Butwhenthelieutenant——suchabig，brave，gentlegiant——rosetohisfeet，hedeliveredwhatseemedtomeasthespeechoftheevening。Iremembernearlythewholeofit，anditransome—thinginthisway：——"Gentlemen——It’sverygoodofyoutogivemethisdinnerandtotellmealltheseprettythings，butwhatIwantyoutounderstand——thefactis，whatwewantandwhatweoughttogetatonce，isanavy——moreships——lotsof’em——"
　　Thenwehowledthetopoftheroofoff，andIforonefellinlovewithCarlinonthespot。Wallah!Hewasaman。
　　Theprinceamongmerchantsbidmetakenoheedtothewarlikesentimentsofsomeoftheoldgenerals。
　　"Thesky—rocketsarethrowninforeffect，"quothhe，"andwheneverwegetonourhindlegswealwaysexpressadesiretochawupEngland。It’sasortoffamilyaffair。"
　　And，indeed，whenyoucometothinkofit，thereisnoothercountryfortheAmericanpublicspeakertotrampleupon。
　　FrancehasGermany；wehaveRussia；forItalyAustriaisprovided；andthehumblestPathanpossessesanancestralenemy。
　　OnlyAmericastandsoutoftheracket，andthere—foretobeinfashionmakesasand—bagofthemothercountry，andhangsherwhenoccasionrequires。
　　"Thechainoffortresses"man，afascinatingtalker，explainedtomeaftertheaffairthathewascompelledtoblowoffsteam。
　　Everybodyexpectedit。
　　Whenwehadchanted"TheStarSpangledBanner"notmorethaneighttimes，weadjourned。Americaisaverygreatcountry，butitisnotyetheaven，withelectriclightsandplushfittings，asthespeakersprofessedtobelieve。Mylisteningmindwentbacktothepoliticiansinthesaloon，whowastednotimeintalkingaboutfreedom，butquietlymadearrangementstoimposetheirwillonthecitizens。
　　"Thejudgeisagreatman，butgivethypresentstotheclerk，"
　　astheproverbsaith。
　　Andwhatmoreremainstotell？Icannotwriteconnectedly，becauseIaminlovewithallthosegirlsaforesaid，andsomeotherswhodonotappearintheinvoice。Thetypewriterisanin—stitutionofwhichthecomicpapersmakemuchcapital，butsheisvastlyconvenient。Sheandacompanionrentaroominabusinessquarter，and，aidedbyatypewritingmachine，copyMSS。
　　attherateofsixannasapage。Onlyawomancanoperateatypewritingmachine，becauseshehasservedapprenticeshiptothesewingmachine。Shecanearnasmuchasonehundreddollarsamonth，andprofessestoregardthisformofbread—winningashernaturaldestiny。But，oh!howshehatesitinherheartofhearts!WhenIhadgotoverthesurpriseofdoingbusinesswithandtryingtogiveorderstoayoungwomanofcoldly，clerklyaspectintrenchedbehindgold—rimmedspectacles，Imadeinquiriesconcerningthepleasuresofthisindependence。Theylikedit——indeedtheydid。’Twasthenaturalfateofalmostallgirls——therecognizedcustominAmerica——andIwasabarbariannottoseeitinthatlight。
　　"Well，andafter？"saidI。"Whathappens？"
　　"Weworkforourbread。"
　　"Andthenwhatdoyouexpect？"
　　"Thenweshallworkforourbread。"
　　"Tillyoudie？"
　　"Ye—es——unless——"
　　"Unlesswhat？Thisisyourbusiness，youknow。Amanworksuntilhedies。"
　　"Soshallwe"——thiswithoutenthusiasm——"Isuppose。"
　　Saidthepartnerinthefirm，audaciously：——"Sometimeswemarryouremployees——atleast，that’swhatthenewspaperssay。"
　　Thehandbangedonhalfadozenofthekeysofthemachineatonce。"YetIdon’tcare。Ihateit——Ihateit——Ihateit——andyouneedn’tlookso!"
　　Theseniorpartnerwasregardingtherebelwithgrave—eyedreproach。
　　"Ithoughtyoudid，"saidI。"Idon’tsupposeAmericangirlsaremuchdifferentfromEnglishonesininstinct。"
　　"Isn’titTheophileGautierwhosaysthattheonlydifferencebetweencountryandcountrylieintheslangandtheuniformofthepolice？"
　　Now，inthenameofallthegodsatonce，whatisonetosaytoayounglady（whoinEnglandwouldbeaperson）whoearnsherownbread，andverynaturallyhatestheemploy，andslingsout—of—the—wayquotationsatyourhead？Thatonefallsinlovewithhergoeswithoutsaying，butthatisnotenough。
　　Amissionshouldbeestablished。
　　III
　　AmericanSalmonTheraceisneithertotheswiftnorthebattletothestrong；
　　buttimeandchancecomethtoall。
　　IHAVElived!
　　TheAmericanContinentmaynowsinkunderthesea，forIhavetakenthebestthatityields，andthebestwasneitherdollars，love，norrealestate。
　　Hearnow，gentlemenofthePunjabFishingClub，whowhipthereachesoftheTavi，andyouwhopainfullyimporttroutovertoOctamund，andIwilltellyouhowoldmanCaliforniaandIwentfishing，andyoushallenvy。
　　WereturnedfromTheDallestoPortlandbythewaywehadcome，thesteamerstoppingenroutetopickupanight’scatchofoneofthesalmonwheelsontheriver，andtodeliveritatacannerydown—stream。
　　Whentheproprietorofthewheelannouncedthathistakewastwothousandtwohundredandthirtypoundsweightoffish，"andnotaheavycatchneither，"Ithoughthelied。Buthesenttheboxesaboard，andIcountedthesalmonbythehundred——hugefifty—poundershardlydead，scoresoftwentyandthirtypounders，andahostofsmallerfish。TheywereallChenooksalmon，asdistinguishedfromthe"steelhead"andthe"silverside。"Thatistosay，theywereroyalsalmon，andCaliforniaandIdroppedatearoverthem，asmonarchswhodeservedabetterfate；butthelustofslaughterenteredintooursouls，andwetalkedfishandforgotthemountainscenerythathadsomovedusadaybefore。
　　Thesteamerhaltedatarudewoodenwarehousebuiltonpilesinalonelyreachoftheriver，andsentinthefish。Ifollowedthemupascale—strewn，fishyinclinethatledtothecannery。Thecrazybuildingwasquiveringwiththemachineryonitsfloors，andaglitteringbankoftinscrapstwentyfeethighshowedwherethewastewasthrownafterthecanshadbeenpunched。
　　OnlyChinamenwereemployedonthework，andtheylookedlikeblood—besmearedyellowdevilsastheycrossedtheriftsofsunlightthatlayuponthefloor。Whenourconsignmentarrived，theroughwoodenboxesbrokeofthemselvesastheyweredumpeddownunderajetofwater，andthesalmonburstoutinastreamofquicksilver。AChinamanjerkedupatwenty—pounder，beheadedanddetaileditwithtwoswiftstrokesofaknife，flickedoutitsinternalarrangementswithathird，andcaseitintoablood—dyedtank。Theheadlessfishleapedfromunderhishandsasthoughtheywerefacingarapid。OtherChinamenpulledthemfromthevatandthrustthemunderathinglikeachaff—cutter，which，descending，hewedthemintounseemlyredgobbetsfitforthecan。
　　MoreChinamen，withyellow，crookedfingers，jammedthestuffintothecans，whichsliddownsomemarvellousmachineforthwith，solderingtheirowntopsastheypassed。Eachcanwashastilytestedforflaws，andthensunkwithahundredcompanionsintoavatofboilingwater，theretobehalfcookedforafewminutes。
　　Thecansbulgedslightlyaftertheoperation，andwerethereforesliddenalongbythetrolleyfultomenwithneedlesandsoldering—ironswhoventedthemandsolderedtheaperture。
　　Exceptforthelabel，the"FinestColumbiaSalmon"wasreadyforthemarket。Iwasimpressednotsomuchwiththespeedofthemanufactureasthecharacterofthefactory。Inside，onafloorninetybyforty，themostcivilizedandmurderousofmachinery。
　　Outside，threefootsteps，thethick—growingpinesandtheimmensesolitudeofthehills。Oursteameronlystayedtwentyminutesatthatplace，butIcountedtwohundredandfortyfinishedcansmadefromthecatchofthepreviousnightereIlefttheslippery，blood—stained，scale—spangled，oilyfloorsandtheoffal—smearedChinamen。
　　WereachedPortland，CaliforniaandIcryingforsalmon，andareal—estateman，towhomwehadbeenintrustedbyaninsuranceman，metusinthestreet，sayingthatfifteenmilesaway，acrosscountry，weshouldcomeuponaplacecalledClackamas，wherewemightper—chancefindwhatwedesired。AndCalifornia，hiscoat—tailsflyinginthewind，rantoalivery—stableandcharteredawagonandteamforthwith。Icouldpushthewagonaboutwithonehand，solightwasitsstructure。TheteamwaspurelyAmerican——thatistosay，almosthumaninitsintelligenceanddocility。SomeonesaidthattheroadswerenotgoodonthewaytoClackamas，andwarnedusagainstsmashingthesprings。
　　"Portland，"whohadwatchedthepreparations，finallyreckoned"He’dcomealong，too；"andunderheavenlyskieswethreecompanionsofadaysetforth，Californiacarefullylashingourrodsintothecarriage，andtheby—standersoverwhelminguswithdirectionsastothesaw—millsweweretopass，theferriesweweretocross，andthesign—postsweweretoseeksignsfrom。
　　Halfamilefromthiscityoffiftythousandsoulswestruck（andthismustbetakenliterally）aplankroadthatwouldhavebeenadisgracetoanIrishvillage。
　　Thensixmilesofmacadamizedroadshowedusthattheteamcouldmove。ArailwayranbetweenusandthebanksoftheWillamette，andanotheraboveusthroughthemountains。Allthelandwasdottedwithsmalltownships，andtheroadswerefulloffarmersintheirtownwagons，bunchesoftow—haired，boggle—eyedurchinssittinginthehaybehind。Themengenerallylookedlikeloafers，buttheirwomenwereallwelldressed。
　　Brownbraidingonatailor—madejacketdoesnot，however，consortwithhay—wagons。ThenwestruckintothewoodsalongwhatCaliforniacalledacaminareale——agoodroad——andPortlanda"fairtrack。"Itwoundinandoutamongfire—blackenedstumpsunderpine—trees，alongthecornersoflogfences，throughhollows，whichmustbehopelessmarshinthewinter，andupabsurdgradients。ButnowherethroughoutitslengthdidIseeanyevidenceofroad—making。Therewasatrack——youcouldn’twellgetoffit，anditwasallyoucoulddotostayonit。Thedustlayafootthickintheblindruts，andunderthedustwefoundbitsofplankingandbundlesofbrushwoodthatsentthewagonboundingintotheair。Thejourneyinitselfwasadelight。
　　Sometimeswecrashedthroughbracken；anon，wheretheblackberriesgrewrankest，wefoundalonelylittlecemetery，thewoodenrailsallawryandthepitiful，stumpyhead—stonesnoddingdrunkenlyatthesoftgreenmullions。Then，withoathsandthesoundofrentunderwood，ayokeofmightybullswouldswingdowna"skid"road，haulingaforty—footlogalongarudelymadeslide。
　　Avalleyfullofwheatandcherry—treessucceeded，andhaltingatahouse，weboughtten—poundweightoflusciousblackcherriesforsomethinglessthanarupee，andgotadrinkoficy—coldwaterfornothing，whiletheuntendedteambrowsedsagaciouslybytheroad—side。Oncewefoundaway—sidecampofhorse—dealersloungingbyapool，readyforasaleoraswap，andoncetwosun—tannedyoungstersshotdownahillonIndianponies，theirfullcreelsbangingfromthehigh—pommelledsaddle。Theyhadbeenfishing，andwereourbrethren，therefore。Weshoutedaloudinchorustoscareawildcat；wesquabbledoverthereasonsthathadledasnaketocrossaroad；weheavedbitsofbarkataventuresomechipmunk，whowasreallythelittlegraysquirrelofIndia，andhadcometocallonme；welostourway，andgotthewagonsobeautifullyfixedonakhud—boundroadthatwehadtotiethetwohindwheelstogetitdown。
　　Aboveall，CaliforniatoldtalesofNevadaandArizona，oflonelynightsspentoutprospecting，theslaughterofdeerandthechaseofmen，ofwoman——lovelywoman——whoisafirebrandinaWesterncityandleadstothepoppingofpistols，andofthesuddenchangesandchancesofFortune，whodelightsinmakingtheminerorthelumber—manaquadruplicatemillionaireandin"busting"
　　therailroadking。
　　Thatwasadaytoberemembered，andithadonlybegunwhenwedrewreinatatinyfarm—houseonthebanksoftheClackamasandsoughthorsefeedandlodging，erewehastenedtotheriverthatbrokeoveraweirnotaquarterofamileaway。Imagineastreamseventyyardsbroaddividedbyapebblyisland，runningoverseductive"riffles"andswirlingintodeep，quietpools，wherethegoodsalmongoestosmokehispipeaftermeals。Getsuchastreamamidfieldsofbreast—highcropssurroundedbyhillsofpines，throwinwhereyoupleasequietwater，long—fencedmeadows，andahundred—footbluffjusttokeepthesceneryfromgrowingtoomonotonous，andyouwillgetsomefaintnotionoftheClackamas。TheweirhadbeenerectedtopentheChenooksalmonfromgoingfurtherup—stream。Wecouldseethem，twentyorthirtypounds，bythescoreinthedeeppools，orflyingmadlyagainsttheweirandfoolishlyskinningtheirnoses。Theywerenotourprey，fortheywouldnotriseatafly，andweknewit。Allthesame，whenonemadehisleapagainsttheweir，andlandedonthefoot—plankwithajarthatshooktheboardIwasstandingon，I
　　wouldfainhaveclaimedhimformyowncapture。
　　Portlandhadnorod。Heheldthegaffandthewhiskey。
　　Californiasniffedup—streamanddown—stream，acrosstheracingwater，chosehisground，andletthegaudyflydropinthetailofariffle。Iwasgettingmyrodtogether，whenIheardthejoyousshriekofthereelandtheyellsofCalifornia，andthreefeetoflivingsilverleapedintotheairfaracrossthewater。
　　Theforceswereengaged。
　　Thesalmontoreup—stream，thetenselinecuttingthewaterlikeatide—ripbehindhim，andthelightbamboobowedtobreaking。
　　WhathappenedthereafterIcannottell。Californiasworeandprayed，andPortlandshoutedadvice，andIdidallthreeforwhatappearedtobehalfaday，butwasinrealityalittleoveraquarterofanhour，andsullenlyourfishcamehomewithspurtsoftemper，dashesheadonandsarabandsintheair，buthometothebankcamehe，andtheremorselessreelgatheredupthethreadofhislifeinchbyinch。Welandedhiminalittlebay，andthespringweightinhisgorgeousgillscheckedatelevenandonehalfpounds。Elevenandonehalfpoundsoffightingsalmon!Wedancedawar—danceonthepebbles，andCaliforniacaughtmeroundthewaistinahugthatwentneartobreakingmyribs，whileheshouted：——"Partner!Partner!Thisisglory!Nowyoucatchyourfish!Twenty—fouryearsI’vewaitedforthis!"
　　Iwentintothaticy—coldriverandmademycastjustabovetheweir，andallbutfoul—hookedablue—and—blackwater—snakewithacoralmouthwhocoiledherselfonastoneandhissedmale—dictions。
　　Thenextcast——ah，theprideofit，theregalsplendorofit!thethrillthatrandownfromfinger—tiptotoe!Thenthewaterboiled。Hebrokefortheflyandgotit。Thereremainedenoughsenseinmetogivehimallhewantedwhenhejumpednotonce，buttwentytimes，beforetheup—streamflightthatranmylineouttothelasthalf—dozenturns，andIsawthenickelledreel—barglitterunderthethinninggreencoils。MythumbwasburneddeepwhenIstrovetostoppertheline。
　　Ididnotfeelittilllater，formysoulwasoutinthedancingweir，prayingforhimtoturnerehetookmytackleaway。Andtheprayerwasheard。AsIbowedback，thebuttoftherodonmylefthip—boneandthetopjointdippinglikeuntoaweepingwillow，heturnedandacceptedeachinchofslackthatIcouldbyanymeansgetinasafavorfromonhigh。Therelieseveralsortsofsuccessinthisworldthattastewellinthemomentofenjoyment，butIquestionwhetherthestealthytheftoflinefromanable—bodiedsalmonwhoknowsexactlywhatyouaredoingandwhyyouaredoingitisnotsweeterthananyothervictorywithinhumanscope。LikeCalifornia’sfish，heranatmeheadon，andleapedagainsttheline，buttheLordgavemetwohundredandfiftypairsoffingersinthathour。Thebanksandthepine—treesdanceddizzilyroundme，butIonlyreeled——reeledasforlife——reeledforhours，andattheendofthereelingcontinuedtogivehimthebuttwhilehesulkedinapool。
　　Californiawasfurtherupthereach，andwiththecornerofmyeyeIcouldseehimcastingwithlongcastsandmuchskill。Thenhestruck，andmyfishbrokefortheweirinthesameinstant，anddownthereachwecame，CaliforniaandI，reelansweringreelevenasthemorningstarssingtogether。
　　Thefirstwildenthusiasmofcapturehaddiedaway。Wewerebothatworknowindeadlyearnesttopreventthelinesfouling，tostalloffadown—streamrushforshaggywaterjustabovetheweir，andatthesametimetogetthefishintotheshallowbaydown—streamthatgavethebestpracticablelanding。Portlandbidusbothbeofgoodheart，andvolunteeredtotaketherodfrommyhands。
　　Iwouldratherhavediedamongthepebblesthansurrendermyrighttoplayandlandasalmon，weightunknown，withaneight—ouncerod。IheardCalifornia，atmyear，itseemed，gasping："He’safighterfromFightersville，sure!"ashisfishmadeafreshbreakacrossthestream。IsawPortlandfalloffalogfence，breaktheoverhangingbank，andclatterdowntothepebbles，allsandandlanding—net，andIdroppedonalogtorestforamoment。AsIdrewbreaththewearyhandsslackenedtheirhold，andIforgottogivehimthebutt。
　　Awildscutterinthewater，aplunge，andabreakforthehead—watersoftheClackamaswasmyreward，andthewearytoilofreelinginwithoneeyeunderthewaterandtheotheronthetopjointoftherodwasrenewed。Worstofall，IwasblockingCalifornia’spathtothelittlelandingbayaforesaid，andhehadtohaltandtirehisprizewherehewas。
　　"Thefatherofallthesalmon!"heshouted。"FortheloveofHeaven，getyourtrouttobank，JohnnyBull!"
　　ButIcoulddonomore。Eventheinsultfailedtomoveme。Therestofthegamewaswiththesalmon。Hesufferedhimselftobedrawn，skip—pingwithpretendeddelightatgettingtothehavenwhereIwouldfainbringhim。Yetnosoonerdidhefeelshoalwaterunderhisponderousbellythanhebackedlikeatorpedo—boat，andthesnarlofthereeltoldmethatmylaborwasinvain。Adozentimes，atleast，thishappenederethelinehintedhehadgivenupthebattleandwouldbetowedin。Hewastowed。Thelanding—netwasuselessforoneofhissize，andI
　　wouldnothavehimgaffed。Isteppedintotheshallowsandheavedhimoutwitharespectfulhandunderthegill，forwhichkindnesshebatteredmeaboutthelegswithhistail，andIfeltthestrengthofhimandwasproud。Californiahadtakenmyplaceintheshallows，hisfishhardheld。Iwasupthebanklyingfulllengthonthesweet—scentedgrassandgaspingincompanywithmyfirstsalmoncaught，playedandlandedonaneight—ouncerod。Myhandswerecutandbleeding，Iwasdrippingwithsweat，spangledlikeaharlequinwithscales，waterfrommywaistdown，nosepeeledbythesun，bututterly，supremely，andconsummatelyhappy。
　　Thebeauty，thedarling，thedaisy，mySalmonBahadur，weighedtwelvepounds，andIhadbeenseven—and—thirtyminutesbringinghimtobank!Hehadbeenlightlyhookedontheangleoftherightjaw，andthehookhadnotweariedhim。ThathourIsatamongprincesandcrownedheadsgreaterthanthemall。BelowthebankweheardCaliforniascufflingwithhissalmonandswearingSpanishoaths。PortlandandIassistedatthecapture，andthefishdraggedthespringbalanceoutbytheroots。Itwasonlyconstructedtoweighuptofifteenpounds。Westretchedthethreefishonthegrass——theelevenandahalf，thetwelveandfifteenpounder——andwegaveanoaththatallwhocameaftershouldmerelybeweighedandputbackagain。
　　HowshallItellthegloriesofthatdaysothatyoumaybeinterested？AgainandagaindidCaliforniaandIprancedownthatreachtothelittlebay，eachwithasalmonintow，andlandhimintheshallows。ThenPortlandtookmyrodandcaughtsometen—pounders，andmyspoonwascarriedawaybyanunknownleviathan。Eachfish，forthemeritsofthethreethathaddiedsogamely，washastilyhookedonthebalanceandflungback。
　　Portlandrecordedtheweightinapocket—book，forhewasareal—estateman。Eachfishfoughtforallhewasworth，andnonemoresavagelythanthesmallest，agamelittlesix—pounder。Attheendofsixhoursweaddedupthelist。Readit。Total：
　　Sixteenfish；aggregateweight，onehundredandfortypounds。
　　Thescoreindetailrunssomethinglikethis——itisonlyinterestingtothoseconcerned：fifteen，elevenandahalf，twelve，ten，nineandthreequarters，eight，andsoforth；asI
　　havesaid，nothingundersixpounds，andthreeten—pounders。
　　Verysolemnlyandthankfullyweputupourrods——itwasgloryenoughforalltime——andreturnedweepingineachother’sarms，weepingtearsofpurejoy，tothatsimple，bare—leggedfamilyinthepacking—casehousebythewater—side。
　　TheoldfarmerrecollecteddaysandnightsoffiercewarfarewiththeIndians"waybackinthefifties，"wheneveryrippleoftheColumbiaRiverandhertributarieshidcovertdanger。Godhaddoweredhimwithaqueer，crookedgiftofexpressionandafierceanxietyforthewelfareofhistwolittlesons——tannedandreservedchildren，whoattendedschooldailyandspokegoodEnglishinastrangetongue。
　　Hiswifewasanausterewoman，whohadoncebeenkindly，andperhapshandsome。
　　Verymanyyearsoftoilhadtakentheelasticityoutofstepandvoice。Shelookedfornothingbetterthaneverlastingwork——thechafingdetailofhousework——andthenagravesomewhereupthehillamongtheblackberriesandthepines。
　　Butinhergrimwayshesympathizedwithhereldestdaughter，asmallandsilentmaidenofeighteen，whohadthoughtsveryfarfromthemealsshetendedandthepansshescoured。
　　Westumbledintothehouseholdatacrisis，andtherewasadealofdownrighthumanityinthatsame。Abad，wickeddress—makerhadpromisedthemaidenadressintimeforato—morrow’srail—wayjourney，andthoughthebarefootedGeorgy，whostoodinverywholesomeaweofhissister，hadscouredthewoodsonaponyinsearch，thatdressneverarrived。So，withsorrowinherheartandahundredSister—Anneglancesuptheroad，shewaiteduponthestrangersand，Idoubtnot，cursedthemforthewantsthatstoodbetweenherandherneedfortears。Itwasagenuinelittletragedy。Themother，inaheavy，passionlessvoice，rebukedherimpatience，yetsatupfarintothenight，bowedoveraheapofsewingforthedaughter’sbenefit。
　　ThesethingsIbeheldinthelongmarigold—scentedtwilightandwhisperingnight，loafingroundthelittlehousewithCalifornia，whoun—foldedhimselflikealotustothemoon，orinthelittleboardedbunkthatwasourbedroom，swap—pingtaleswithPortlandandtheoldman。
　　Mostoftheyarnsbeganinthisway：——"RedLarrywasabull—puncherbackofLoneCounty，Montana，"or"Therewasamanridingthetrailmetajack—rabbitsittinginacactus，"or"’BoutthetimeoftheSanDiegolandboom，awomanfromMonterey，"etc。
　　Youcantrytopieceoutforyourselveswhatsortofstoriestheywere。
　　IV
　　TheYellowstoneONCEuponatimetherewasacarterwhobroughthisteamandafriendintotheYellowstoneParkwithoutduethought。Presentlytheycameuponafewofthenaturalbeautiesoftheplace，andthatcarterturnedhisteamintohisfriend’steam，howling：——"Getouto’this，Jim。Allhell’salightunderournoses!"
　　AndtheycalledtheplaceHell’sHalf—Acretothisdaytowitnessifthecarterlied。
　　We，too，theoldladyfromChicago，herhusband，Tom，andthegoodlittlemares，cametoHell’sHalf—Acre，whichisaboutsixtyacresinextent，andwhenTomsaid：——"Wouldyouliketodriveoverit？"
　　Wesaid：——"Certainlynot，andifyoudoweshallreportyoutotheparkauthorities。"
　　Therewasaplain，blistered，peeled，andabominable，anditwasgivenovertothesportingsandspoutingsofdevilswhothrewmud，andsteam，anddirtateachotherwithwhoops，andhalloos，andbellowingcurses。
　　Theplacessmelledoftherefuseofthepit，andthatodormixedwiththeclean，wholesomearomaofthepinesinournostrilsthroughouttheday。
　　ThisYellowstoneParkislaidoutlikeOllendorf，inexercisesofprogressivedifficulty。Hell’sHalf—Acrewasapreludetotenortwelvemilesofgeyserformation。
　　Wepassedhotstreamsboilingintheforest；sawwhiffsofsteambeyondthese，andyetotherwhiffsbreakingthroughthemistygreenhillsinthefardistance；wetrampledonsulphurincrystals，andsniffedthingsmuchworsethananysulphurwhichisknowntotheupperworld；andsojourneying，bewilderedwiththenovelty，cameuponareallypark—likeplacewhereTomsuggestedweshouldgetoutandplaywiththegeysersonfoot。
　　Imaginemightygreenfieldssplatteredwithlime—beds，alltheflowersofthesummergrowinguptotheveryedgeofthelime。
　　Thatwasourfirstglimpseofthegeyserbasins。
　　Thebuggyhadpulledupclosetoarough，broken，blisteredconeofspelterstuffbetweentenandtwentyfeethigh。Therewastroubleinthatplace——moaning，splashing，gurgling，andtheclankofmachinery。Aspurtofboilingwaterjumpedintotheair，andawashofwaterfollowed。
　　Iremovedswiftly。TheoldladyfromChicagoshrieked。"Whatawickedwaste!"saidherhusband。
　　IthinktheycallittheRiversideGeyser。Itsspoutwastornandraggedlikethemouthofagunwhenashellhasburstthere。
　　Itgrumbledmadlyforamomentortwo，andthenwasstill。I
　　creptoverthesteaminglime——itwastheburningmarlonwhichSatanlay——andlookedfearfullydownitsmouth。Youshouldneverlookagiftgeyserinthemouth。
　　Ibeheldahorrible，slippery，slimyfunnelwithwaterrisingandfallingtenfeetatatime。Thenthewaterrosetoliplevelwitharush，andaninfernalbubblingtroubledthisDevil’sBethesdabeforethesullenheaveofthecrestofawavelappedovertheedgeandmademerun。
　　Markthenatureofthehumansoul!Ihadbegunwithawe，nottosayterror，forthiswasmyfirstexperienceofsuchthings。I
　　steppedbackfromthebanksoftheRiversideGeyser，saying：——"Pooh!Isthatallitcando？"
　　YetforaughtIknew，thewholethingmighthaveblownupataminute’snotice，she，he，oritbeinganarrangementofuncertaintemper。
　　Wedriftedon，upthatmiraculousvalley。Oneithersideofuswerehillsfromathousandorfifteenhundredfeethigh，woodedfromcresttoheel。Asfarastheeyecouldrangeforwardwerecolumnsofsteamintheair，misshapenlumpsoflime，mist—likepreadamitemonsters，stillpoolsofturquoise—bluestretchesofbluecorn—flowers，ariverthatcoiledonitselftwentytimes，pointedbowldersofstrangecolors，andridgesofglaring，staringwhite。
　　Amoon—facedtrooperofGermanextraction——neverwasparksocarefullypatrolled——cameuptoinformusthatasyetwehadnotseenanyoftherealgeysers；thattheywereallamileorsoupthevalley，andtastefullyscatteredroundthehotelinwhichwewouldrestforthenight。
　　Americaisafreecountry，butthecitizenslookdownonthesoldier。Ihadtoentertainthattrooper。TheoldladyfromChicagowouldhavenoneofhim；soweloafedalonetogether，nowacrosshalf—rottenpinelogssunkinswampyground，anonovertheringinggeyserformation，thenpoundingthroughriver—sandorbrushingknee—deepthroughlonggrass。
　　"Andwhydidyouenlist？"saidI。
　　Themoon—facedone’sfacebegantowork。Ithoughthewouldhaveafit，buthetoldmeastoryinstead——suchanicetaleofanaughtylittlegirlwhowroteprettyloveletterstotwomenatonce。Shewasasimplevillagewife，butawicked"familynovelette"countesscouldn’thaveaccomplishedherendsbetter。
　　Shedroveonemannearlywildwiththeprettylittletreachery，andtheothermanabandonedherandcameWesttoforgetthetrickery。
　　Moon—facewasthatman。
　　Weroundedandlimpedoveralowspurofhill，andcameoutuponafieldofaching，snowylimerolledinsheets，twistedintoknots，rivenwithrents，anddiamonds，andstars，stretchingformorethanhalfamileineverydirection。
　　Onthisplaceofdespairlaymostofthebig，badgeyserswhoknowwhenthereistroubleinKrakatoa，whotellthepineswhenthereisacycloneontheAtlanticseaboard，andwhoareexhibitedtovisitorsunderprettyandfancifulnames。
　　ThefirstmoundthatIencounteredbelongedtoagoblinwhowassplashinginhistub。
　　Iheardhimkick，pullashower—bathonhisshoulders，gasp，crackhisjoints，andrubhimselfdownwithatowel；thenheletthewateroutofthebath，asathoughtfulmanshould，anditallsunkdownoutofsighttillanothergoblinarrived。
　　SowelookedandwewonderedattheBeehive，whosemouthisbuiltupexactlylikeahive，attheTurban（whichisnotintheleastlikeaturban），andatmany，manyothergeysers，hotholes，andsprings。Someofthemrumbled，somehissed，somewentoffspasmodically，andotherslaydeadstillinsheetsofsapphireandberyl。
　　WouldyoubelievethateventheseterriblecreatureshavetobeguardedbythetrooperstopreventtheirreverentAmericansfromchippingtheconestopieces，or，worsestill，makingthegeysersick？Ifyoutakeasmallbarrelfullofsoft—soapanddropitdownageyser’smouth，thatgeyserwillpresentlybeforcedtolayallbeforeyou，andfordaysafterwardwillbeofanirritatedandinconstantstomach。
　　WhentheytoldmethetaleIwasfilledwithsympathy。NowI
　　wishthatIhadsoft—soapandtriedtheexperimentonsomelonelylittlebeastfarawayinthewoods。Itsoundssoprobableandsohuman。
　　YethewouldbeaboldmanwhowouldadministeremeticstotheGiantess。Sheisflat—lipped，havingnomouth；shelookslikeapool，fiftyfeetlongandthirtywide，andthereisnoornamentationabouther。Atirregularintervalsshespeaksandsendsupavolumeofwaterovertwohundredfeethightobeginwith，thensheisangryforadayandahalf——sometimesfortwodays。
　　Owingtoherpeculiarityofgoingmadinthenight，notmanypeoplehaveseentheGiantessatherfinest；buttheclamorofherunrest，mensay，shakesthewoodenhotel，andechoeslikethunderamongthehills。
　　Thecongregationreturnedtothehoteltoputdowntheirimpressionsindiariesandnote—books，whichtheywroteupostentatiouslyintheverandas。Itwasaswelteringhotday，albeitwestoodsome—whathigherthanthelevelofSimla，andI
　　leftthatrawpinecreakingcaravansaryforthecoolshadeofaclumpofpinesbetweenwhosetrunksglimmeredtents。
　　AbatchofUnitedStatestrooperscamedowntheroadandflungthemselvesacrossthecountryintotheirroughlines。TheMelicancavalrymancanride，thoughhekeepshisaccoutrementspig—fashionandhishorsecow—fashion。
　　Iwasfreeofthatcampinfiveminutes——freetoplaywiththeheavy，lumpycarbines，havethesaddlesstripped，andpunchthehorsesknowinglyintheribs。Oneofthemenhadbeeninthefightwith"Wrap—up—his—Tail，"andhetoldmehowthatgreatchief，hishorse’stailtiedupinredcalico，swaggeredinfrontoftheUnitedStatescavalry，challengingalltosinglecombat。
　　Buthewasslain，andafewofhistribewithhim。
　　"There’snouseinanIndian，anyway，"concludedmyfriend。
　　Acoupleofcow—boys——realcow—boys——jingledthroughthecampamidashowerofmildchaff。TheywereontheirwaytoCookCity，Ifancy，andIknowthattheyneverwashed。Buttheywerepicturesqueruffiansexceedingly，withlongspurs，hoodedstirrups，slouchhats，furweather—clothovertheirknees，andpistol—buttsjusteasytohand。
　　"Thecow—boy’sgoin’underbeforelong，"saidmyfriend。"Soonasthecountry’ssettleduphe’llhavetogo。Buthe’smightyusefulnow。Whatwouldwedowithoutthecow—boy？"
　　"Ashow？"saidI，andthecamplaughed。
　　"Hehasthemoney。Wehavetheskill。Hecomesinwintertoplaypokeratthemilitaryposts。Weplaypoker——afew。Whenhe’slosthismoneywemakehimdrunkandlethimgo。Sometimeswegetthewrongman。"
　　Andhetoldmeataleofaninnocentcow—boywhoturnedup，cleanedout，atanarmypost，andplayedpokerforthirty—sixhours。Butitwasthepostthatwascleanedoutwhenthatlong—hairedCaucasianremovedhimself，heavywitheverybody’spayanddecliningtheprofferedliquor。
　　"Noaw，"saidthehistorian，"Idon’tplaywithnocow—boyunlesshe’salittlebitdrunkfirst。"
　　EreIdepartedIgatheredfrommorethanonemanthesignificantfactthatuptoonehundredyardshefeltabsolutelysecurebehindhisrevolver。
　　"InEngland，Iunderstand，"quoththelimberyouthfromtheSouth，——"inEnglandamanisn’tallowedtoplaywithnofire—arms。He’sgottobetaughtallthatwhenheenlists。I
　　didn’twantmuchteachinghowtoshootstraight’foreIservedUncleSam。Andthat’sjustwhereitis。ButyouwastalkingaboutyourHorseGuardsnow？"
　　Iexplainedbrieflysomepeculiaritiesofequipmentconnectedwithourcrackestcrackcavalry。Igrievetosaythecamproared。
　　"Take’emoverswampyground。Let’emrunaroundabitan’workthestarchoutof’em，an’then，Almighty，ifwewouldn’tplug’emateaseI’deattheirhorses。"
　　Therewasamaiden——averylittlemaiden——whohadjuststeppedoutofoneofJames’snovels。Sheownedadelightfulmotherandanequallydelightfulfather——aheavy—eyed，slow—voicedmanoffinance。Theparentsthoughtthattheirdaughterwantedchange。
　　ShelivedinNewHampshire。Accordingly，shehaddraggedthemuptoAlaskaandtotheYosemiteValley，andwasnowreturningleisurely，viatheYellowstone，justintimeforthetail—endofthesummerseasonatSaratoga。
　　Wehadmetonceortwicebeforeinthepark，andIhadbeenamazedandamusedathercriticalcommendationofthewondersthatshesaw。FromthatveryresolutelittlemouthIreceivedalectureonAmericanliterature，thenatureandinwardnessofWashingtonsociety，theprecisevalueofCable’sworksascomparedwithUncleRemusHarris，andafewotherthingsthathadnothingwhatevertodowithgeysers，butwerealtogetherpleasant。
　　Now，anEnglishmaidenwhohadstumbledonadust—grimed，lime—washed，sun—peeled，collarlesswanderercomefromandgoingtogoodnessknowswhere，would，hermotherincitingherandherfatherbrandishinganumbrella，haveregardedhimasadissoluteadventurer——apersontobedisregarded。
　　NotsothosedelightfulpeoplefromNewHampshire。Theyweregoodenoughtotreathim——itsoundsalmostincredible——asahumanbeing，possiblyrespectable，probablynotinimmediateneedoffinancialassistance。
　　Papatalkedpleasantlyandtothepoint。
　　Thelittlemaidenstrovevaliantlywiththeaccentofherbirthandthatofherrearing，andmammasmiledbenignlyinthebackground。
　　BalancethiswithastoryofayoungEnglishidiotImetmooningaboutinsidehishighcollar，attendedbyavalet。Hecondescendedtotellmethat"youcan’tbetoocarefulwhoyoutalktointheseparts。"Andstalkedon，fearing，Isuppose，everyminuteforhissocialchastity。
　　Thatmanwasabarbarian（Itookoccasiontotellhimso），forhecomportedhimselfafterthemannerofthehead—huntersandhuntedofAssamwhoareatperpetualfeudonewithanother。
　　YouwillunderstandthatthesefoolishstoriesareintroducedinordertocoverthefactthatthispencannotdescribethegloriesoftheUpperGeyserBasin。TheeveningIspentundertheleeoftheCastleGeyser，sittingonalogwithsometroopersandwatchingabaronialkeepfortyfeethighspoutinghotwater。IftheCastlewentofffirst，theysaidtheGiantesswouldbequiet，andviceversa，andthentheytoldtalestillthemoongotupandapartyofcampersinthewoodsgaveusallsomethingtoeat。
　　Thencamesoft，turfyforestthatdeadenedthewheels，andtwotroopersondetachmentdutystolenoiselesslybehindus。OnewastheWrap—up—his—Tailman，andtheytalkedmerrilywhilethehalf—brokenhorsesbuckedaboutamongthetrees。Andsoacavalryescortwaswithusforamile，tillwegottoamightyhillstrewnwithmossagates，andeverybodyhadtojumpoutandpantinthatthinair。Buthowintoxicatingitwas!TheoldladyfromChicagoduckedlikeanemancipatedhenasshescuttledabouttheroad，crammingpiecesofrockintoherreticule。Shesentmefiftyyardsdowntothehill—sidetopickupapieceofbrokenbottlewhichsheinsistedwasmossagate。
　　"I’vesomeo’thatathome，an’theyshine。Yes，yougogetit，youngman。"
　　Asweclimbedthelongpaththeroadgrewvilerandvilertillitbecame，withoutdisguise，thebedofatorrent；andjustwhenthingswereattheirrockiestwenearlyfellintoalittlesapphirelake——butneversapphirewassoblue——calledMary’sLake；andthatbetweeneightandninethousandfeetabovethesea。
　　Afterward，grassdowns，allonavehementslope，sothatthebuggy，followingthenew—maderoad，ranonthetwooff—wheelsmostlytillwedippedhead—firstintoaford，climbedupacliff，racedalongdown，dippedagain，andpulledupdishevelledat"Larry’s"forlunchandanhour’srest。
　　Thenwelayonthegrassandlaughedwithsheerblissofbeingalive。ThishaveIknownonceinJapan，onceonthebanksoftheColumbia，whattimethesalmoncameinandCaliforniahowled，andonceagainintheYellowstonebythelightoftheeyesofthemaidenfromNewHampshire。Fourlittlepoolslayatmyelbow，onewasofblackwater（tepid），oneclearwater（cold），oneclearwater（hot），oneredwater（boiling）。Mynewlywashedhandkerchiefcoveredthemall，andwetwomarvelledaschildrenmarvel。
　　"ThiseveningweshalldotheGrandCanyonoftheYellowstone，"
　　saidthemaiden。
　　"Together？"saidI；andshesaid，"Yes。"
　　Thesunwasbeginningtosinkwhenweheardtheroaroffallingwatersandcametoabroadriveralongwhosebanksweran。Andthen——Imightatapinchdescribetheinfernalregions，butnottheotherplace。TheYellowstoneRiverhasoccasiontorunthroughagorgeabouteightmileslong。Togettothebottomofthegorgeitmakestwoleaps，oneofaboutonehundredandtwentyandtheotherofthreehundredfeet。Iinvestigatedtheupperorlesserfall，whichisclosetothehotel。
　　UptothattimenothingparticularhappenstotheYellowstone——itsbanksbeingonlyrocky，rathersteep，andplentifullyadornedwithpines。
　　Atthefallsitcomesroundacorner，green，solid，ribbedwithalittlefoam，andnotmorethanthirtyyardswide。Thenitgoesover，stillgreen，andrathermoresolidthanbefore。Afteraminuteortwo，you，sittinguponarockdirectlyabovethedrop，begintounderstandthatsomethinghasoccurred；thattheriverhasjumpedbetweensolidcliffwalls，andthatthegentlefrothofwaterlappingthesidesofthegorgebelowisreallytheoutcomeofgreatwaves。
　　Andtheriveryellsaloud；butthecliffsdonotallowtheyellstoescape。
　　Thatinspectionbeganwithcuriosityandfinishedinterror，foritseemedthatthewholeworldwasslidinginchrysolitefromundermyfeet。Ifollowedwiththeothersroundthecornertoarriveatthebrinkofthecanyon。Wehadtoclimbupanearlyperpendicularascenttobeginwith，forthegroundrisesmorethantheriverdrops。Statelypinewoodsfringeeitherlipofthegorge，whichisthegorgeoftheYellowstone。You’llfindallaboutitintheguidebooks。
　　AllthatIcansayisthatwithoutwarningorpreparationI
　　lookedintoagulfseventeenhundredfeetdeep，witheaglesandfish—hawkscirclingfarbelow。Andthesidesofthatgulfwereonewildwelterofcolor——crimson，emerald，cobalt，ochre，amber，honeysplashedwithportwine，snowwhite，vermilion，lemon，andsilvergrayinwidewashes。Thesidesdidnotfallsheer，butweregravenbytime，andwater，andairintomonstrousheadsofkings，deadchiefs——menandwomenoftheoldtime。Sofarbelowthatnosoundofitsstrifecouldreachus，theYellowstoneRiverranafinger—widestripofjadegreen。
　　Thesunlighttookthosewondrouswallsandgavefreshhuestothosethatnaturehadalreadylaidthere。
　　Eveningcreptthroughthepinesthatshadowedus，butthefullgloryofthedayflamedinthatcanyonaswewentoutverycautiouslytoajuttingpieceofrock——blood—redorpinkitwas——thatoverhungthedeepestdeepsofall。
　　NowIknowwhatitistositenthronedamidthecloudsofsunsetasthespiritssitinBlake’spictures。Giddinesstookawayallsensationoftouchorform，butthesenseofblindingcolorremained。
　　WhenIreachedthemainlandagainIhadswornthatIhadbeenfloating。
　　ThemaidfromNewHampshiresaidnowordforaverylongtime。
　　Thenshequotedpoetry，whichwasperhapsthebestthingshecouldhavedone。
　　"Andtothinkthatthisshow—placehasbeengoingonallthesedaysan’noneofweeversawit，"saidtheoldladyfromChicago，withanacidglanceatherhusband。
　　"No，onlytheInjians，"saidhe，unmoved；andthemaidenandI
　　laughed。
　　Inspirationisfleeting，beautyisvain，andthepowerofthemindforwonderlimited。Thoughtheshininghoststhemselveshadrisenchoiringfromthebottomofthegorge，theywouldnothavepreventedherpapaandonebaserthanhefromrollingstonesdownthosestupendousrainbow—washedslides。Seventeenhundredfeetofsteep—estpitchandrathermorethanseventeenhundredcolorsforlogorbowldertowhirlthrough!
　　Soweheavedthingsandsawthemgatherwayandboundfromwhiterocktoredoryellow，draggingbehindthemtorrentsofcolor，tillthenoiseoftheirdescentceasedandtheyboundedahundredyardsclearatthelastintotheYellowstone。
　　"I’vebeendownthere，"saidTom，thatevening。"It’seasytogetdownifyou’recareful——justsitan’slide；butgettingupisworse。An’Ifounddownbelowtheretwostonesjustmarkedwithapictureofthecanyon。Iwouldn’tselltheserocksnotforfifteendollars。"
　　AndpapaandIcrawleddowntotheYellowstone——justabovethefirstlittlefall——towetalineforgoodluck。Theroundmooncameupandturnedthecliffsandpinesintosilver；andatwo—poundtroutcameupalso，andweslewhimamongtherocks，nearlytumblingintothatwildriver……
　　ThenoutandawaytoLivingstoneoncemore。ThemaidenfromNewHampshiredisappeared，papaandmammawithher。Disappeared，too，theoldladyfromChicago，andtheothers。
　　V
　　Chicago"Iknowthycunningandthygreed，Thyhardhighlustandwilfuldeed，AndallthyglorylovestotellOfspeciousgiftsmaterial。"
　　IHAVEstruckacity——arealcity——andtheycallitChicago。
　　Theotherplacesdonotcount。SanFranciscowasapleasure—resortaswellasacity，andSaltLakewasaphenomenon。
　　ThisplaceisthefirstAmericancityIhaveencountered。Itholdsrathermorethanamillionofpeoplewithbodies，andstandsonthesamesortofsoilasCalcutta。Havingseenit，I
　　urgentlydesirenevertoseeitagain。Itisinhabitedbysavages。ItswateristhewateroftheHooghly，anditsairisdirt。Alsoitsaysthatitisthe"boss"townofAmerica。
　　Idonotbelievethatithasanythingtodowiththiscountry。
　　TheytoldmetogotothePalmerHouse，whichisovermuchgildedandmirrored，andthereIfoundahugehalloftessellatedmarblecrammedwithpeopletalkingaboutmoney，andspittingabouteverywhere。Otherbarbarianschargedinandoutofthisinfernowithlettersandtelegramsintheirhands，andyetothersshoutedateachother。Amanwhohaddrunkquiteasmuchaswasgoodforhimtoldmethatthiswas"thefinesthotelinthefinestcityonGodAlmighty’searth。"Bytheway，whenanAmericanwishestoindicatethenextcountryorstate，hesays，"GodA’mighty’searth。"Thispreventsdiscussionandflattershisvanity。
　　ThenIwentoutintothestreets，whicharelongandflatandwithoutend。AndverilyitisnotagoodthingtoliveintheEastforanylengthoftime。Yourideasgrowtoclashwiththoseheldbyeveryright—thinkingman。Ilookeddowninterminablevistasflankedwithnine，ten，andfifteen—storiedhouses，andcrowdedwithmenandwomen，andtheshowimpressedmewithagreathorror。
　　ExceptinLondon——andIhaveforgottenwhatLondonwaslike——I
　　hadneverseensomanywhitepeopletogether，andneversuchacollectionofmiserables。Therewasnocolorinthestreetandnobeauty——onlyamazeofwireropesoverheadanddirtystoneflaggingunderfoot。
　　Acab—drivervolunteeredtoshowmethegloryofthetownforsomuchanhour，andwithhimIwanderedfar。Heconceivedthatallthisturmoilandsquashwasathingtobereverentlyadmired，thatitwasgoodtohuddlementogetherinfifteenlayers，oneatopoftheother，andtodigholesinthegroundforoffices。
　　HesaidthatChicagowasalivetown，andthatallthecreatureshurryingbymewereengagedinbusiness。Thatistosaytheyweretryingtomakesomemoneythattheymightnotdiethroughlackoffoodtoputintotheirbellies。Hetookmetocanalsasblackasink，andfilledwithun—toldabominations，andbidmewatchthestreamoftrafficacrossthebridges。
　　Hethentookmeintoasaloon，andwhileIdrankmademenotethatthefloorwascoveredwithcoinssunkincement。A
　　Hottentotwouldnothavebeenguiltyofthissortofbarbarism。
　　Thecoinsmadeaneffectprettyenough，butthemanwhoputthemtherehadnothoughtofbeauty，and，therefore，hewasasavage。
　　"Thenmycab—drivershowedmebusinessblocksgaywithsignsandstuddedwithfantasticandabsurdadvertisementsofgoods，andlookingdownthelongstreetsoadorned，itwasasthougheachvenderstoodathisdoorhowling：——"Forthesakeofmymoney，employorbuyofme，andmeonly!"
　　Haveyoueverseenacrowdatafamine—reliefdistribution？Youknowthenhowthemenleapintotheair，stretchingouttheirarmsabovethecrowdinthehopeofbeingseen，whilethewomendolorouslyslapthestomachsoftheirchildrenandwhimper。I
　　hadsoonerwatchfaminereliefthanthewhitemanengagedinwhathecallslegitimatecompetition。TheoneIunderstand。Theothermakesmeill。
　　Andthecabmansaidthatthesethingsweretheproofofprogress，andbythatIknewhehadbeenreadinghisnewspaper，aseveryintelligentAmericanshould。Thepaperstelltheirclienteleinlanguagefittedtotheircomprehensionthatthesnarlingtogetheroftelegraph—wires，theheavingupofhouses，andthemakingofmoneyisprogress。
　　Ispenttenhoursinthathugewilderness，wanderingthroughscoresofmilesoftheseterriblestreetsandjostlingsomefewhundredthousandoftheseterriblepeoplewhotalkedpaisabatthroughtheirnoses。
　　Thecabmanleftme；butafterawhileIpickedupanotherman，whowasfulloffigures，andintomyearshepouredthemasoccasionrequiredorthebigblankfactoriessuggested。Heretheyturnedoutsomanyhundredthousanddollars’worthofsuchandsuchanarticle；theresomanymillionotherthings；thishousewasworthsomanymilliondollars；thatonesomanymillion，moreorless。
　　Itwaslikelisteningtoachildbabblingofitshoardofshells。
　　Itwaslikewatchingafoolplayingwithbuttons。ButIwasexpectedtodomorethanlistenorwatch。HedemandedthatI
　　shouldadmire；andtheutmostthatIcouldsaywas：——"Arethesethingsso？ThenIamverysorryforyou。"
　　Thatmadehimangry，andhesaidthatinsularenvymademeunresponsive。So，yousee，Icouldnotmakehimunderstand。
　　AboutfourandahalfhoursafterAdamwasturnedoutoftheGardenofEdenhefelthungry，andso，biddingEvetakecarethatherheadwasnotbrokenbythedescendingfruit，shinnedupacocoanut—palm。Thathurthislegs，cuthisbreast，andmadehimbreatheheavily，andEvewastormentedwithfearlestherlordshouldmisshisfooting，andsobringthetragedyofthisworldtoanenderethecurtainhadfairlyrisen。HadImetAdamthen，Ishouldhavebeensorryforhim。To—dayIfindelevenhundredthousandofhissonsjustasfaradvancedastheirfatherintheartofgettingfood，andimmeasurablyinferiortohiminthattheythinkthattheirpalm—treesleadstraighttotheskies。
　　Consequently，Iamsorryinrathermorethanamilliondifferentways。
　　IntheEastbreadcomesnaturally，eventothepoorest，byalittlescratchingorthegiftofafriendnotquitesopoor。Inlessfavoredcountriesoneisapttoforget。ThenIwenttobed。
　　AndthatwasonaSaturdaynight。
　　Sundaybroughtmethequeerestexperiencesofall——arevelationofbarbarismcomplete。Ifoundaplacethatwasofficiallydescribedasachurch。Itwasacircusreally，butthattheworshippersdidnotknow。Therewereflowersallaboutthebuilding，whichwasfittedupwithplushandstainedoakandmuchluxury，includingtwistedbrasscandlesticksofseverestGothicdesign。
　　Tothesethingsandacongregationofsavagesenteredsuddenlyawonderfulman，completelyintheconfidenceoftheirGod，whomhetreatedcolloquiallyandexploitedverymuchasanewspaperreporterwouldexploitaforeignpotentate。But，unlikethenewspaperreporter，heneverallowedhislistenerstoforgetthathe，andnotHe，wasthecentreofattraction。Withavoiceofsilverandwithimageryborrowedfromtheauction—room，hebuiltupforhishearersaheavenonthelinesofthePalmerHouse（butwithallthegildingrealgold，andalltheplate—glassdiamond），andsetinthecentreofitaloud—voiced，argumentative，veryshrewdcreationthathecalledGod。Onesentenceatthispointcaughtmydelightedear。ItwasaproposofsomequestionoftheJudgment，andran：——"No!ItellyouGoddoesn’tdobusinessthatway。"
　　Hewasgivingthemadeitywhomtheycouldcomprehend，andagoldandjewelledheaveninwhichtheycouldtakeanaturalinterest。
　　Heinterlardedhisperformancewiththeslangofthestreets，thecounter，andtheexchange，andhesaidthatreligionoughttoenterintodailylife。Consequently，Ipresumeheintroduceditasdailylife——hisownandthelifeofhisfriends。
　　ThenIescapedbeforetheblessing，desiringnobenedictionatsuchhands。Butthepersonswholistenedseemedtoenjoythemselves，andIunderstoodthatIhadmetwithapopularpreacher。
　　Lateron，whenIhadperusedthesermonsofagentlemancalledTalmageandsomeothers，IperceivedthatIhadbeenlisteningtoaverymildspecimen。Yetthatman，withhisbrutalgoldandsilveridols，hishands—in—pocket，cigar—in—mouth，andhat—on—the—back—of—the—headstyleofdealingwiththesacredvessels，wouldcounthimself，spiritually，quitecompetenttosendamissiontoconverttheIndians。
　　AllthatSundayIlistenedtopeoplewhosaidthatthemerefactofspikingdownstripsofirontowood，andgettingasteamandironthingtorunalongthemwasprogress，thatthetelephonewasprogress，andthenet—workofwiresoverheadwasprogress。Theyrepeatedtheirstatementsagainandagain。
　　OneofthemtookmetotheirCityHallandBoardofTradeworks，andpointeditoutwithpride。Itwasveryugly，butverybig，andthestreetsinfrontofitwerenarrowandunclean。WhenI
　　sawthefacesofthemenwhodidbusinessinthatbuilding，I
　　feltthattherehadbeenamistakeintheirbilleting。
　　Bytheway，’tisaconsolationtofeelthatIamnotwritingtoanEnglishaudience。ThenIshouldhavetofallintofeignedecstasiesoverthemarvellousprogressofChicagosincethedaysofthegreatfire，toalludecasuallytotheraisingoftheentirecitysomanyfeetabovethelevelofthelakewhichitfaces，andgenerallytogrovelbeforethegoldencalf。Butyou，whoaredesperatelypoor，andthereforebythesestandardsofnoac—count，knowthings，willunderstandwhenIwritethattheyhavemanagedtogetamillionofmentogetheronflatland，andthatthebulkofthesementogetherappeartobelowerthanMahajansandnotsocompanionableasaPunjabiJatafterharvest。
　　ButIdon’tthinkitwastheblindhurryofthepeople，theirargot，andtheirgrandignoranceofthingsbeyondtheirimmediateintereststhatdispleasedmesomuchasastudyofthedailypapersofChicago。