Imprimis，therewassomesortofadisputebetweenNewYorkandChicagoastowhichtownshouldgiveanexhibitionofproductstobehereafterholden，andthroughthemediumoftheirmoredignifiedjournalsthetwocitieswereyahooingandhi—yi—ingateachotherlikeoppositionnewsboys。Theycalledithumor，butitsoundedlikesomethingquitedifferent。
　　Thatwasonlythefirsttrouble。Thesecondlayinthetoneoftheproductions。Leadingarticleswhichincludegemssuchas"Backofsuchandsuchaplace，"or，"Wenoticed，Tuesday，suchanevent，"or，"don’t"for"doesnot，"arethingstobeacceptedwiththankfulness。Allthatmademewanttocrywasthatinthesepaperswerefaithfullyreproducedallthewar—criesand"back—talk"ofthePalmerHousebar，theslangofthebarber—shops，thementalelevationandintegrityofthePullmancarporter，thedignityofthedimemuseum，andtheaccuracyoftheexcitedfish—wife。Iamsternlyforbiddentobelievethatthepapereducatesthepublic。ThenIamcompelledtobelievethatthepubliceducatethepaper；yetsuicidesonthepressarerare。
　　Justwhenthesenseofunrealityandoppressionwasstrongestuponme，andwhenImostwantedhelp，amansatatmysideandbegantotalkwhathecalledpolitics。
　　Ihadchancedtopayaboutsixshillingsforatravelling—capwortheighteen—pence，andhemadeofthefactatextforasermon。Hesaidthatthiswasarichcountry，andthatthepeoplelikedtopaytwohundredpercent，onthevalueofathing。Theycouldaffordit。Hesaidthatthegovernmentimposedaprotectivedutyoffromtentoseventypercentonforeign—madearticles，andthattheAmericanmanufacturerconsequentlycouldsellhisgoodsforahealthysum。Thusanimportedhatwould，withduty，costtwoguineas。TheAmericanmanufacturerwouldmakeahatforseventeenshillings，andsellitforonepoundfifteen。
　　Inthesethings，hesaid，laythegreatnessofAmericaandtheeffetenessofEngland。Competitionbetweenfactoryandfactorykeptthepricesdowntodecentlimits，butIwasnevertoforgetthatthispeoplewerearichpeople，notlikethepauperContinentals，andthattheyenjoyedpayingduties。
　　Tomyweakintellectthisseemedratherlikejugglingwithcounters。EverythingthatIhaveyetpurchasedcostsabouttwiceasmuchasitwouldinEngland，andwhennativemadeisofinferiorquality。
　　Moreover，sincetheselineswerefirstthoughtof，Ihavevisitedagentlemanwhoownedafactorywhichusedtoproducethings。Heownedthefactorystill。Notamanwasinit，buthewasdrawingahandsomeincomefromasyndicateoffirmsforkeepingitclosed，inorderthatitmightnotproducethings。Thismansaidthatifprotectionwereabandoned，atideofpauperlaborwouldfloodthecountry，andasIlookedathisfactoryIthoughthowentirelybetteritwastohavenolaborofanykindwhateverratherthanfacesohorribleafuture。
　　Meantime，doyourememberthatthispeculiarcountryenjoyspayingmoneyforvaluenotreceived？Iamanalien，andforthelifeofmeIcannotseewhysixshillingsshouldbepaidforeighteen—pennycaps，oreightshillingsforhalf—crowncigar—cases。Whenthecountryfillsuptoadecentlypopulatedlevelafewmillionpeoplewhoarenotalienswillbesmittenwiththesamesortofblindness。
　　Butmyfriend’sassertionsomehowthoroughlysuitedthegrotesqueferocityofChicago。
　　Seenowandjudge!InthevillageofIsserJang，ontheroadtoMontgomery，therebefourChangarwomenwhowinnowcorn——someseventybushelsayear。BeyondtheirhutlivesPurunDass，themoney—lender，whoongoodsecuritylendsasmuchasfivethousandrupeesinayear。JowalaSingh，thesmith，mendsthevillageplows——somethirty，brokenattheshare，inthreehundredandsixty—fivedays；andHukmChund，whoisletter—writerandheadofthelittleclubunderthetravellers’tree，generallykeepsthevillagepostedinsuchgossipasthebarberandthemid—wifehavenotyetmadepublicproperty。
　　Chicagohusksandwinnowsherwheatbythemillionbushels，ahundredbankslendhundredsofmillionsofdollarsintheyear，andscoresoffactoriesturnoutplow—gearandmachinerybysteam。ScoresofdailypapersdoworkwhichHukmChundandthebarberandthemidwifeperform，withdueregardforpublicopinion，inthevillageofIsserJang。Sofarasmanufactoriesgo，thedifferencebetweenChicagoonthelake，andIsserJangontheMontgomeryroad，isoneofdegreeonly，andnotofkind。Asfarastheunderstandingoftheusesoflifegoes，IsserJang，forallitsseasonalcholers，hastheadvantageoverChicago。
　　JowalaSinghknowsandtakescaretoavoidthethreeorfourghoul—hauntedfieldsontheoutskirtsofthevillage；butheisnoturgedbymillionsofdevilstorunaboutalldayinthesunandswearthathisplowsharesarethebestinthePunjab；nordoesPurunDassflyforthinanekkamorethanonceortwiceayear，andheknows，onapinch，howtousetherailwayandthetelegraphaswellasanysonofIsraelinChicago。Butthisisabsurd。
　　TheEastisnottheWest，andthesemenmustcontinuetodealwiththemachineryoflife，andtocallitprogress。Theirverypreachersdarenotrebukethem。Theyglossoverthehuntingformoneyandthethrice—sharpenedbitternessofAdam’scurse，bysayingthatsuchthingsdoweramanwithalargerrangeofthoughtsandhigheraspirations。Theydonotsay，"Freeyourselvesfromyourownslavery，"butrather，"Ifyoucanpossiblymanageit，donotsetquitesomuchstoreonthethingsofthisworld。"
　　Andtheydonotknowwhatthethingsofthisworldare!
　　Iwentofftoseecattlekilled，bywayofclearingmyhead，which，asyouwillperceive，wasgettingmuddled。TheysayeveryEnglishmangoestotheChicagostock—yards。Youshallfindthemaboutsixmilesfromthecity；andoncehavingseenthem，youwillneverforgetthesight。
　　Asfarastheeyecanreachstretchesatown—shipofcattle—pens，cunninglydividedintoblocks，sothattheanimalsofanypencanbespeedilydrivenoutclosetoaninclinedtimberpathwhichleadstoanelevatedcoveredwaystraddlinghighabovethepens。
　　Theseviaductsaretwo—storied。Ontheupperstorytrampthedoomedcattle，stolidlyforthemostpart。Onthelower，withascufflingofsharphoofsandmultitudinousyells，runthepigs，thesameendbeingappointedforeach。Thusyouwillseethegangsofcattlewaitingtheirturn——astheywaitsometimesfordays；andtheyneednotbedistressedbythesightoftheirfellowsrunningaboutinthefearofdeath。Alltheyknowisthatamanonhorsebackcausestheirnext—doorneighborstomovebymeansofawhip。Certainbarsandfencesareunshipped，andbehold!thatcrowdhavegoneupthemouthofaslopingtunnelandreturnnomore。
　　Itisdifferentwiththepigs。Theyshriekbackthenewsoftheexodustotheirfriends，andahundredpensskirlresponsive。
　　ItwastothepigsIfirstaddressedmyself。Selectingaviaductwhichwasfullofthem，asIcouldhear，thoughIcouldnotsee，Imarkedasombrebuildingwheretoitran，andwentthere，notunalarmedbystraycattlewhohadmanagedtoescapefromtheirproperquarters。Apleasantsmellofbrinewarnedmeofwhatwascoming。Ienteredthefactoryandfounditfullofporkinbarrels，andonanotherstorymoreporkun—barrelled，andinahugeroomthehalvesofswine，forwhosebehoofgreatlumpsoficewerebeingpitchedinatthewindow。Thatroomwasthemortuarychamberwherethepigslayforalittlewhileinstateeretheybegantheirprogressthroughsuchpassagesaskingsmaysometimestravel。
　　Turningacorner，andnotnotinganoverheadarrangementofgreasedrail，wheel，andpulley，Iranintothearmsoffourevisceratedcarcasses，allpurewhiteandofahumanaspect，pushedbyamancladinvehementred。WhenIleapedaside，thefloorwasslipperyunderme。Alsotherewasaflavoroffarm—yardinmynostrilsandtheshoutingofamultitudeinmyears。Buttherewasnojoyinthatshouting。Twelvemenstoodintwolinessixaside。Betweenthemandoverheadrantherailwayofdeaththathadnearlyshuntedmethroughthewindow。
　　Eachmancarriedaknife，thesleevesofhisshirtwerecutoffattheelbows，andfrombosomtoheelhewasblood—red。
　　Beyondthisperspectivewasacolumnofsteam，andbeyondthatwaswhereIworkedmyawe—struckway，unwillingtotouchbeamorwall。Theatmospherewasstiflingasanightintherainsbyreasonofthesteamandthecrowd。Iclimbedtothebeginningofthingsand，percheduponanarrowbeam，overlookedverynearlyallthepigseverbredinWisconsin。Theyhadjustbeenshotoutofthemouthoftheviaductandhuddledtogetherinalargepen。
　　Thencetheywereflickedpersuasively，afewatatime，intoasmallerchamber，andthereamanfixedtackleontheirhinderlegs，sothattheyroseintheair，suspendedfromtherailwayofdeath。
　　Oh!itwasthentheyshriekedandcalledontheirmothers，andmadepromisesofamendment，tillthetackle—manpuntedthemintheirbacksandtheyslidheaddownintoabrick—flooredpassage，verylikeabigkitchensink，thatwasblood—red。Thereawaitedthemaredmanwithaknife，whichhepassedjauntilythroughtheirthroats，andthefull—voicedshriekbecameasplutter，andthenafallasofheavytropicalrain，andtheredman，whowasbackedagainstthepassage—wall，youwillunderstand，stoodclearofthewildlykickinghoofsandpassedhishandoverhiseyes，notfromanyfeelingofcompassion，butbecausethespurtedbloodwasinhiseyes，andhehadbarelytimetostickthenextarrival。Thenthatfirststuckswinedropped，stillkicking，intoagreatvatofboilingwater，andspokenomorewords，butwallowedinobediencetosomeunseenmachinery，andpresentlycameforthatthelowerendofthevat，andwasheavedonthebladesofabluntpaddle—wheel，thingswhichsaid"Hough，hough，hough!"andskelpedallthehairoffhim，exceptwhatlittleacoupleofmenwithknivescouldremove。
　　Thenhewasagainhitchedbytheheelstothatsaidrailway，andpasseddownthelineofthetwelvemen，eachmanwithaknife——losingwitheachmanacertainamountofhisindividuality，whichwastakenawayinawheel—barrow，andwhenhereachedthelastmanhewasverybeautifultobehold，butexcessivelyunstuffedandlimp。Preponderanceofindividualitywaseverabartoforeigntravel。ThatpigcouldhavebeenincasetovisityouinIndiahadhenotpartedwithsomeofhismostcherishednotions。
　　Thedissectingpartimpressedmenotsomuchastheslaying。
　　Theyweresoexcessivelyalive，thesepigs。Andthen，theyweresoexcessivelydead，andthemaninthedripping，clammy，notpassagedidnotseemtocare，anderethebloodofsuchaonehadceasedtofoamonthefloor，suchanotherandfourfriendswithhimhadshriekedanddied。Butapigisonlytheuncleananimal——theforbiddenoftheprophet。
　　VI
　　TheAmericanArmyISHOULDverymuchliketodeliveradissertationontheAmericanarmyandthepossibilitiesofitsextension。Yousee，itissuchabeautifullittlearmy，andthedearpeopledon’tquiteunderstandwhattodowithit。Thetheoryisthatitisaninstructionalnucleusroundwhichthemilitiaofthecountrywillrally，andfromwhichtheywillgetastiffeningintimeofdanger。Yetotherpeopleconsiderthatthearmyshouldbebuilt，likeapairoflazytongs——ontheprincipleofelasticityandextension——sothatintimeofneeditmayfillupitsskeletonbattalionsandemptysaddletroops。Thisisrealwisdom，be—causetheAmericanarmy，asatpresentconstituted，ismadeupof：——Twenty—fiveregimentsinfantry，tencompanieseach。
　　Tenregimentscavalry，twelvecompanieseach。
　　Fiveregimentsartillery，twelvecompanieseach。
　　Nowthereisanotionintheairtoreorganizetheserviceontheselines：——Eighteenregimentsinfantryatfourbattalions，fourcompanieseach；thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
　　Eightregimentscavalryatfourbattalions，fourtroopseach；
　　thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
　　Fiveregimentsartilleryatfourbattalions，fourcompanieseach；
　　thirdbattalion，skeleton；fourthonpaper。
　　Observethebeautyofthisbusiness。Thethirdbattalionwillhaveitsofficers，butnomen；thefourthwillprobablyhavearendezvousandsomeequipment。
　　Itisnotcontemplatedtogiveitanythingmoredefiniteatpresent。Assumingtheregimentstobemadeuptofullcomplement，wegetanarmyoffiftythousandmen，whichaftertheneedpassesawaymustbecutdownfiftypercent，tothehugedelightoftheofficers。
　　ThemilitaryneedsoftheStatesbethree：（a）Frontierwarfare，anemploymentwellwithinthegripofthepresentarmyoftwenty—fivethousand，andinthenatureofthingsgrowinglessarduousyearbyyear；（b）internalriotsandcommotionswhichriseuplikeadustdevil，whirlfuriously，anddieoutlongbeforetheauthoritiesatWashingtoncouldbegintofillupeventhethirdskeletonbattalions，muchlesshuntaboutformaterialforthefourth；（c）civilwar，inwhich，asthecaseintheaffairoftheNorthandSouth，theregulararmywouldbeswampedinthemassofmilitiaandarmedvolunteerswouldturnthelandintoahell。
　　Yettheauthoritiespersistinregardinganexternalwarasathingtobeseriouslyconsidered。
　　ThePowerthatwoulddisembarktroopsonAmericansoilwouldbecapableofheavingashovelfulofmudintotheAtlanticinthehopeoffillingitup。Consequently，theauthoritiesarefascinatedwiththeideaoftheslidingscaleorconcertinaarmy。
　　Thisisanhereditaryinstinct，foryouknowthatwhenweEnglishhavegottogethertwocompanies，onemachinegun，asickbullock，fortygenerals，andamassofW。O。forms，wesaywepossess"anarmycorpscapableofindefiniteextension。"
　　TheAmericanarmyisabeautifullittlearmy。Someday，whenalltheIndiansarehappilydeadordrunk，itoughttomakethefinestscientificandsurveycorpsthattheworldhaseverseen；
　　itdoesexcellentworknow，butthereisthisdefectinitsnature：Itisofficered，asyouknow，fromWestPoint。
　　ThemischiefofitisthatWestPointseemstobecreatedforthepurposeofspreadingageneralknowledgeofmilitarymattersamongthepeople。Aboygoesuptothatinstitution，getshispass，andreturnstocivillife，sotheytellme，withadangerousknowledgethatheisasucklingVonMoltke，andmayapplyhislearningwhenoccasionoffers。Giventrouble，thatmanwillbeanuisance，becauseheisahideouslyversatileAmerican，tobeginwith，ascock—sureofhimselfasamancanbe，andwithalltheracialdisregardforhumanlifetobackhim，throughanydemi—semi—professionalgeneralship。
　　Inacountrywhere，astherecordsofthedailypapersshow，menengagedinaconflictwithpoliceorjailsarealltooreadytoadoptamilitaryformationandgetheavilyshotinasortofcheap，half—constructedwarfare，insteadofbeingdecentlyscaredbytheappearanceofthemilitary，thissortofarrangementdoesnotseemwise。
　　ThebondbetweentheStatesisofanamazingtenuity。SolongastheydonotabsolutelymarchintotheDistrictofColumbia，sitontheWashingtonstatues，andinventaflagoftheirown，theycanlegislate，lynch，huntnegroesthroughswamps，divorce，railroad，andrampageasmuchasevertheychoose。Theydonotneedknowledgeoftheirownmilitarystrengthtobacktheirgeniallawlessness。
　　Thatregulararmy，whichisadearlittlearmy，shouldbekepttoitself，bloodedondetachmentduty，turnedintothepathsofscience，andnowandagainassembledatfeastsofFreeMasons，andsoforth。
　　Itistootinytobeapoliticalpower。TheimmortalwreckoftheGrandArmyoftheRepublicisapoliticalpowerofthelargestandmostunblushingdescription。Itoughtnottohelptolaythefoundationsofanamateurmilitarypowerthatisblindandirresponsible。
　　Bygreatgoodlucktheevil—mindedtrain，alreadydelayedtwelvehoursbyaburnedbridge，broughtmetothecityonaSaturdaybywayofthatvalleywhichtheMormons，overtheirefforts，hadcausedtoblossomliketherose。TwelvehourspreviouslyIhadenteredintoanewworldwhere，inconversation，everyonewaseitheraMormonoraGentile。ItisnotseemlyforafreeandindependentcitizentodubhimselfaGentile，buttheMayorofOgden——whichistheGentilecityofthevalley——toldmethattheremustbesomedistinctionbetweenthetwoflocks。
　　LongbeforethefruitorchardsofLoganortheshininglevelsoftheSaltLakehadbeenreached，thatmayor——himselfaGentile，andonerenownedforhisdealingswiththeMormons——toldmethatthegreatquestionoftheexistenceofthepowerwithinthepowerwasbeinggraduallysolvedbytheballotandbyeducation。
　　Allthebeautyofthevalleycouldnotmakemeforgetit。Andthevalleyisveryfair。Benchafterbenchofland，flatasatableagainsttheflanksoftheringinghills，markswheretheSaltLakerestedforawhileinitscollapsefromaninlandseatoalakefiftymileslongandthirtybroad。
　　TherearethemakingsofaveryfinecreedaboutMormonism。Tobeginwith，theChurchisrathermoreabsolutethanthatofRome。
　　Dropthepolygamyplankintheplatform，butontheotherhanddeallightlywithcertainformsofexcess；keepthequalityoftherecruitdowntothelowmentallevel，andseethatthebestofalltheagriculturalscienceavailableisinthehandsoftheelders，andthereyouhaveafirst—classengineforpioneerwork。
　　ThetawdrymysticismandtheborrowingfromFreemasonryservethelowcasteSwedeandDane，theWelshmanandtheCornishcotter，justaswellasahighlyorganizedheaven。
　　ThenIwentaboutthestreetsandpeepedintopeople’sfrontwindows，andthedecorationsuponthetableswereafterthemanneroftheyear1850。MainStreetwasfullofcountryfolkfromthedesert，comeintotradewiththeZionMercantileCo—operativeInstitute。TheChurch，Ifancy，looksafterthefinancesofthisthing，anditconsequentlypaysgooddividends。
　　Thefacesofthewomenwerenotlovely。In—deed，butforthecertaintythatuglypersonsarejustasirrationalinthematterofundividedloveasthebeautiful，itseemsthatpolygamywasablessedinstitutionforthewomen，andthatonlythedreadthreatsofthespiritualpowercoulddrivethehulking，board—facedmenintoit。Thewomenworehideousgarments，andthemenappearedtobetiedupwithstrings。
　　Theywouldmarketallthatafternoon，andonSundaygotothepraying—place。Itriedtotalktoafewofthem，buttheyspokestrangetongues，andstaredandbehavedlikecows。Yetonewoman，andnotanaltogetheruglyone，confidedtomethatshehatedtheideaofSaltLakeCitybeingturnedintoashow—placefortheamusementoftheGentiles。
　　"Ifwe’haveourowninstitutions，thatain’tnoreasonwhypeopleshouldcome’ereandstareatus，hisit？"
　　Thedropped"h"betrayedher。
　　"AndwhendidyouleaveEngland？"Isaid。
　　"Summerof’84。IamDorset，"shesaid。"TheMormonagentwasverygoodtous，andwewasverypoor。Nowwe’rebetteroff——myfather，an’mother，an’me。"
　　"ThenyouliketheState？"
　　Shemisunderstoodatfirst。
　　"Oh，Iain’tlivin’inthestateofpolygamy。Notme，yet。I
　　ain’tmarried。IlikewhereIam。I’vegotthingso’myown——andsomeland。"
　　"ButIsupposeyouwill——"
　　"Notme。Iain’tlikethemSwedesan’Danes。Iain’tgotnothin’tosayfororagainstpolygamy。It’stheelders’
　　business，an’betweenyouan’me，Idon’tthinkit’sgoingonmuchlonger。You’ll’eartheminthe’ouseto—morrertalkin’asifitwasspreadin’alloverAmerica。TheSwedes，theythinkithis。Iknowithisn’t。"
　　"Butyou’vegotyourlandallright？"
　　"Oh，yes；we’vegotourland，an’weneversayaughtagainstpolygamy，o’course——father，an’mother，an’me。"
　　Onatable—landoverlookingallthecitystandstheUnitedStatesgarrisonofinfantryandartillery。TheStateofUtahcandonearlyanythingitpleasesuntilthatmuch—to—be—desiredhourwhentheGentilevoteshallquietlyswampoutMormonism；butthegarrisoniskeptthereincaseofaccidents。Thebig，shark—mouthed，pig—eared，heavy—bonedfarmerssometimestaketotheircreedwithwildestfanaticism，andinpastyearshavemadelifeexcessivelyunpleasantfortheGentilewhenhewasfewintheland。Butto—day，sofarfromkillingopenlyorsecretly，orburningGentilefarms，itisalltheMormondaredotofeeblytrytoboycotttheinterloper。HisjournalspreachdefiancetotheUnitedStatesGovernment，andintheTabernacleonaSundaythepreachersfollowsuit。
　　WhenIwentthere，theplacewasfullofpeoplewhowouldhavebeenmuchbetterforawashing。
　　AmanroseupandtoldthemthattheywerethechosenofGod，theelectofIsrael；thattheyweretoobeytheirpriests，andthattherewasagoodtimecoming。Ifancythattheyhadheardallthisbeforesomanytimesitproducednoimpressionwhatever，evenasthesublimestmysteriesofanotherfaithlosesaltthroughconstantiteration。Theybreathedheavilythroughtheirnoses，andstaredstraightinfrontofthem——impassiveasflatfish。
　　VII
　　America’sDefencelessCoastsJUSTsupposethatAmericaweretwentydaysdistantfromEngland。
　　Thenamancouldstudyitscustomswithundividedsoul；butbeingsoverynearnextdoor，hegoesaboutthelandwithoneeyeonthesmokeoftheflesh—potsoftheoldcountryacrosstheseas，whilewiththeotherhesquintsbiliouslyandprejudiciallyatthealien。
　　Icanlaymyhanduponmysacredheartandaffirmthatuptoto—dayIhavenevertakenthreeconsecutivetripsbyrailwithoutbeingdelayedbyanaccident。Thatitwasanaccidenttoanothertrainmakesnodifference。Myownturnmaycomenext。
　　Afewmilesfrompeaceful，pleasure—lovingLakewoodtheyhadmanagedtoupsetanexpressgoodstraintothedetrimentoftheflimsypermanentway；andthusthetrainwhichshouldhaveleftatthreedepartedatsevenintheevening。Iwasnotangry。I
　　wasscarcelyeveninterested。WhenanAmericantrainstartsontimeIbegintoanticipatedisaster——avisitationforsuchgoodluck，youunderstand。
　　Buffaloisalargevillageofaquarterofamillioninhabitants，situatedontheseashore，whichisfalselycalledLakeErie。Itisapeacefulplace，andmorelikeanEnglishcountytownthanmostofitsfriends。
　　Onceclearofthemainbusinessstreets，youlaunchuponmilesandmilesofasphaltedroadsrunningbetweencottagesandcut—stoneresidencesofthosewhohavemoneyandpeace。AlltheEasterncitiesownthisfringeofelegance，butexceptinChicagonowhereisthefringedeeperormoreheavilywidenedthaninBuffalo。
　　TheAmericanwillgotoabadplacebecausehecannotspeakEnglish，andisproudofit；butheknowshowtomakeahomeforhimselfandhismate，knowshowtokeepthegrassgreeninfrontofhisveranda，andhowtofullestusethemechanismoflife——hotwater，gas，goodbell—ropes，telephones，etc。Hisshopssellhimdelightfulhouseholdfitmentsatverymoderaterates，andheisencompassedwithallmanneroflabor—savingappliances。Thisdoesnotpreventhiswifeandhisdaughterworkingthemselvestodeathoverhouseholddrudgery；buttheintentionisgood。
　　Whenyouhaveseentheoutsideofafewhundredthousandofthesehomesandtheinsidesofafewscore，youbegintounderstandwhytheAmerican（therespectableone）doesnottakeadeepinterestinwhattheycall"politics，"andwhyheissovaguelyandgenerallyproudofthecountrythatenableshimtobesocomfortable。Howcantheownerofadaintychalet，withsmoked—oakfurniture，imitationVenetiantapestrycurtains，hotandcoldwaterlaidon，abedofgeraniumsandhollyhocks，ababycrawlingdowntheveranda，andaself—actingtwirly—whirlyhosegentlyhissingoverthegrassinthebalmyduskofanAugustevening——howcansuchamandespairoftheRepublic，ordescendintothestreetsonvotingdaysandmixcheerfullywith"theboys"？
　　No，itisthestranger——thehomelessjackalofastranger——whoseinterestinthecountryislimitedtohishotel—billandarailway—ticket，thatcanrunfromDantoBeersheba，crying：——"Allisbarren!"
　　EverygoodAmericanwantsahome——aprettyhouseandalittlepieceoflandofhisveryown；andeveryothergoodAmericanseemstogetit。
　　ItwaswhenmygiganticintellectwasgrapplingwiththisquestionthatIconfirmedadiscoveryhalfmadeintheWest。Thenativesofmostclassesmarryyoung——absurdlyyoung。Oneofmyinformants——notthetwenty—two—year—oldhusbandImetonLakeChautauqua——saidthatfromtwentytotwenty—fourwasabouttheusualtimeforthisfolly。AndwhenIaskedwhetherthepracticewasconfinedtotheconstitutionallyimprovidentclasses，hesaid"No"veryquickly。Hesaiditwasageneralcustom，andnobodysawanythingwrongwithit。
　　"Iguess，perhaps，veryearlymarriagemayaccountforagooddealofthedivorce，"saidhe，reflectively。
　　WhereatIwassilent。Theirmarriagesandtheirdivorcesonlyconcernthesepeople；andneitherItravelling，noryou，whomaycomeafter，haveanyrighttomakeruderemarksaboutthem。
　　Only——onlycomingfromalandwhereamanbeginstolightlyturntothoughtsoflovenotbeforeheisthirty，Iownthatplayingathouse—keepingbeforethatagerathersurprisedme。OutintheWest，though，theymarry，boysandgirls，fromsixteenupward，andIhavemetmorethanonebrideoffifteen——husbandagedtwenty。
　　"Whenmanandwomanareagreed，whatcantheKazido？"
　　Fromthosepeacefulhomes，andtheenvytheyinspire（twotrunksandawalking—stickandabitofpineforestinBritishColumbiaarenotsatisfactory，anywayyoulookatthem），IturnedmetothelakefrontofBuffalo，wherethesteamersbellowtothegrainelevators，andthelocomotivesyelltothecoal—shutes，andthecanalbargesjostlethelumber—rafthalfamilelongasitsnakesacrossthewaterintowofalaunch，andearth，andsky，andseaalikearethickwithsmoke。
　　Intheolddays，beforetherailwayranintothecity，allthebusinessquartersfringedthelake—shorewherethetrafficwaslargest。To—daythebusinessquartershavegoneup—towntomeettherailroad；thelaketrafficstillexists，butyoushallfindanarrowbeltofred—brickdesolation，brokenwindows，gap—tootheddoors，andstreetswherethegrassgrowsbetweenthecrowdedwharvesandthebustlingcity。TothelakefrontcomeswheatfromChicago，lumber，coal，andore，andalargetradeincheapexcursionists。
　　Itwasmyfelicitytocatchagrainsteamerandanelevatoremptyingthatsamesteamer。Thesteamermighthavebeentwothousandtonsburden。Shewasladenwithwheatinbulk；fromstemtostern，thirteenfeetdeep，laytheclean，redwheat。
　　Therewasnotwenty—fivepercentdirtadmixtureaboutitatall。
　　Itwaswheat，fitforthegrindstonesasitlay。Theymanoeuvredthefore—hatchofthatsteamerdirectlyunderanelevator——ahouseofredtinahundredandfiftyfeethigh。Thentheyletdownintothatfore—hatchatrunkasifithadbeenthetrunkofanelephant，butstiff，becauseitwasapipeofiron—champedwood。Andthetrunkhadasteel—shodnosetoit，andcontainedanendlesschainofsteelbuckets。
　　Thenthecaptainswore，raisinghiseyestoheaven，andagruffvoiceansweredhimfromtheplacehesworeat，andcertainmachinery，alsointhefirmament，begantoclack，andtheglittering，steel—shodnoseofthattrunkburrowedintothewheat，andthewheatquiveredandsunkupontheinstantaswatersinkswhenthesiphonsucks，becausethesteelbucketswithinthetrunkwereflyingupontheirendlessround，carryingawayeachitsappointedmorselofwheat。
　　TheelevatorwasaPersianwellwheel——awheelsquashedoutthinandcasedinapipe，awheeldrivennotbybullocks，butbymuchhorse—power，lickingupthegrainattherateofthou—sandsofbushelsthehour。Andthewheatsunkintothefore—hatchwhileamanlooked——sunktillthebrowntimbersofthebulkheadsshowedbare，andmenleapeddownthroughcloudsofgoldendustandshovelledthewheatfuriouslyroundthenoseofthetrunk，andgotasteam—shovelofglitteringsteelandmadethatshovelalso，tillthereremainedofthegrainnotmorethanahorseleavesinthefoldofhisnose—bag。
　　InthismannerdotheyhandlewheatatBuffalo。Ononesideoftheelevatoristhesteamer，ontheothertherailwaytrack；andthewheatisloadedintothecarsinbulk。Wah!wah!Godisgreat，andIdonotthinkHeeverintendedGarSahaiorLuckmanNaraintosupplyEnglandwithherwheat。IndiacancutinnotwithoutprofittoherselfwhenherharvestisgoodandtheAmeri—canyieldpoor；butthisverybigcountrycan，upontheaverage，supplytheearthwithallthebeefandbreadthatisrequired。
　　Amaninthetrainsaidtome：——"Wekinfeedalltheearth，jestaseasilyaswekinwhipalltheearth。"
　　Nowthesecondstatementisasfalseasthefirstistrue。OneofthesedaystherespectableRepublicwillfindthisout。
　　Unfortunatelywe，theEnglish，willneverbethepeopletoteachher；becausesheisacharteredlibertineallowedtosayanddoanythingshelikes，fromdemandingtheheadoftheempressinaneditorialwaste—basket，tochevyingCanadianschoonersupanddowntheAlaskaSeas。Itisperfectlyimpossibletogotowarwiththesepeople，whatevertheymaydo。
　　Theyaremuchtoonice，inthefirstplace，andinthesecond，itwouldthrowoutallthepassengertrafficoftheAtlantic，andupsetthefinancialarrangementsoftheEnglishsyndicateswhohaveinvestedtheirmoneyinbreweries，railways，andthelike，andinthethird，it’snottobedone。Everybodyknowsthat，andnoonebetterthantheAmerican。
　　Yetthereareotherpowerswhoarenot"ohaiband"（ofthebrotherhood）——China，forinstance。TrytobelieveanirresponsiblewriterwhenheassuresyouthatChina’sfleetto—day，ifproperlymanned，couldwafttheentireAmericannavyoutofthewaterandintotheblue。Thebig，fatRepublicthatisafraidofnothing，becausenothinguptothepresentdatehashappenedtomakeherafraid，isasunprotectedasajelly—fish。
　　Notinternally，ofcourse——itwouldbemadnessforanyPowertothrowmenintoAmerica；theywoulddie——butasfarasregardscoastdefence。
　　Fromfivemilesoutatsea（Ihaveseenatestofher"fortified"
　　ports）ashipofthepowerofH。M。S。"Collingwood"（theyhaven’trunheronarockyet）wouldwipeoutanyoreverytownfromSanFranciscotoLongBranch；andthreefirst—classironcladswouldaccountforNewYork，Bartholdi’sStatueandall。
　　Reflectonthis。’Twouldbe"Payuporgoup"roundtheentirecoastoftheUnitedStates。TothisfuriouslyanswersthepatrioticAmerican：——"Weshouldnotpay。WeshouldinventaColumbiadinPittsburgor——oranywhereelse，andblowanyoutsiderintoh——l。"
　　Theymightinvent。Theymightlaywastetheircitiesandretireinland，fortheycansubsistentirelyontheirownproduce。
　　Meantime，inawarwagedtheonlywayitcouldbewagedbyanunscrupulousPower，theircoastcitiesandtheirdock—yardswouldbeashes。Theycouldconstructtheirnavyinlandiftheyliked，butyoucouldneverbringashipdowntothewater—ways，astheystandnow。
　　Theycouldnot，withanordinarywaterpatrol，despatchoneregimentofmensixmilesacrosstheseas。Therewouldbeaboutfivemillionexcessivelyangry，armedmenpentupwithinAmericanlimits。Thesemenwouldrequireshipstogetthemselvesafloat。
　　Thecountryhasnosuchships，anduntiltheshipswerebuiltNewYorkneednotbeallowedasingle—wheeledcarriagewithinherlimits。
　　BeholdnowthegloriousconditionofthisRepublicwhichhasnofear。Thereisransomandlootpastthecountingofmanonherseaboardalone——plunderthatwouldenrichanation——andshehasneitheranavynorhalfadozenfirst—classportstoguardthewhole。Nomancatchesasnakebythetail，becausethecreaturewillsting；butyoucanbuildafirearoundasnakethatwillmakeitsquirm。
　　Thecountryissupposedtobebuildinganavynow。Whentheshipsarecompletedheralliancewillbeworthhaving——iftheallianceofanyrepubliccanbereliedupon。Forthenextthreeyearsshecanbehurt，andbadlyhurt。Pityitisthatsheisofourownblood，lookingatthematterfromaPindarrispointofview。Dogcannoteatdog。
　　ThesesinfulreflectionswerepromptedbythesightofthebeautifullyunprotectedconditionofBuffalo——acitythatcouldbemadetopayupfivemilliondollarswithoutfeelingit。Therearehercompaniesofinfantryinasortofportthere。Agun—boatbroughtoverinpiecesfromNiagaracouldgetthemoneyandgetawaybeforeshecouldbecaught，whileanunarmoredgun—boatguardingTorontocouldravagethetownsonthelakes。Whenonehearssomuchofthenationthatcanwhiptheearth，itis，tosaytheleastofit，surprisingtofindhersotemptinglyspankable。
　　TheaverageAmericancitizenseemstohaveanotionthatanyPowerengagedinstrifewiththeStarSpangledBannerwilldisembarkmenfromflat—bottomedboatsonaconvenientbeachforthepurposeofbeingshotdownbylocalmilitia。Inhisownsimplephraseology：——"Notbyadarnedsight。No，sir。"
　　Ransomatlongrangewillbeaboutthesizeofit——cashorcrash。
　　Letusrevisitcalmerscenes。
　　IntheheartofBuffalotherestandsamagnificentbuildingwhichthepopulationdoinnocentlystyleamusic—hall。Everybodycomeshereofeveningstositaroundlittletablesandlistentoafirst—classorchestra。TheplaceissomethingliketheGaietyTheatreatSimla，enlargedtwentytimes。The"LightBrigade"ofBuffalooccupytheboxesandthestage，"asitwasatSimlainthedaysofold，"andtheotherssitintheparquet。HereIwentwithafriend——poororbooristhemanwhocannotpickupafriendforaseasoninAmerica——andherewasshownthereallysmartfolkofthecity。IgrievetosayIlaughed，becausewhenanAmericanwishestobecorrecthesetshimselftoimitatetheEnglishman。Thishedoesvilely，andearnsnotonlythecontemptofhisbrethren，buttheamusedscornoftheBriton。
　　Isawonemanwhowaspointedouttomeasbeingtheglassoffashionhereabouts。HewasaggressivelyEnglishinhisget—up。
　　Fromeye—glasstotrouser—hemtheillusionwasperfect，but——heworewithevening—dressbuttonedbootswithbrownclothtops!
　　NottillIwanderedaboutthislanddidIunderstandwhythecomicpapersbelabortheAnglomaniac。
　　Certainyoungmenofthemoreidioticsortlaunchintodog—cartsandraimentofEnglishcut，andhereinBuffalotheyplaypoloatfourintheafternoon。Isawthreeyouthscomedowntothepolo—groundfaultlesslyattiredforthegameandmountedontheirbestponies。Expectingagame，Ilingered；butIwasmistaken。
　　Thesethreeshiningoneswiththeverynewyellowhidebootsandtheredsilksasheshadassembledthemselvesforthepurposeofknockingtheballabout。Theysmotewithgreatsolemnityupanddownthegrounds，whilethelittleboyslookedon。Whentheytrotted，whichwasnotseldom，theyroseandsunkintheirstirrupswithaconscientiousnessthatcriedout"Riding—school!"
　　fromafar。
　　OtheryoungmenintheparkwereridingaftertheEnglishmanner，inneatlycutriding—trousersandlightsaddles。Fateinderisionhadmadeeachyouthbedizenhisanimalwithacheckeredenam—elledleatherbrow—bandvisiblehalfamileaway——ablack—and—whitecheckeredbrow—band!Theycan’tdoit，anymorethananEnglishman，bytakingcold，canaddthatindescribablenasaltwangtohisorchestra。
　　Theothersightoftheeveningwasahorror。Thelittletragedyplayeditselfoutataneighboringtablewheretwoveryyoungmenandtwoveryyoungwomenweresitting。Itdidnotstrikemetillfarintotheeveningthatthepimplyyoungreprobatesweremakingthegirlsdrunk。Theygavethemredwineandthenwhite，andthevoicesroseslightlywiththemaidens’cheekflushes。Iwatched，wishingtostay，andtheyouthsdranktilltheirspeechthickenedandtheireye—ballsgrewwatery。Itwassickeningtosee，becauseIknewwhatwasgoingtohappen。Myfriendeyedthegroup，andsaid：——"Maybethey’rechildrenofrespectablepeople。
　　Ihardlythink，though，they’dbeallowedoutwithoutanybetterescortthantheseboys。Andyettheplaceisaplacewhereeveryonecomes，asyousee。TheymaybeLittleImmoralities——inwhichcasetheywouldn’tbesohopelesslyovercomewithtwoglassesofwine。Theymaybe——"
　　Whatevertheyweretheygotindubitablydrunk——thereinthatlovelyhall，surroundedbythebestofBuffalosociety。OnecoulddonothingexceptinvokethejudgmentofHeavenonthetwoboys，themselveshalfsickwithliquor。Atthecloseoftheperformancethequietermaidenlaughedvacantlyandprotestedshecouldn’tkeepherfeet。Thefourlinkedarms，andstaggering，flickeredoutintothestreet——drunk，gentlemenandladies，asDavy’sswine，drunkaslords!Theydisappeareddownasideavenue，butIcouldheartheirlaughterlongaftertheywereoutofsight。
　　Andtheywereallfourchildrenofsixteenandseventeen。Then，recantingpreviousopinions，Ibecameaprohibitionist。Betteritisthatamanshouldgowithouthisbeerinpublicplaces，andcontenthimselfwithswearingatthenarrow—mindednessofthemajority；betteritistopoisontheinsidewithveryviletemperancedrinks，andtobuylagerfurtivelyatback—doors，thantobringtemptationtothelipsofyoungfoolssuchasthefourI
　　hadseen。Iunderstandnowwhythepreachersrageagainstdrink。
　　Ihavesaid："Thereisnoharminit，takenmoderately；"andyetmyowndemandforbeerhelpeddirectlytosendthosetwogirlsreelingdownthedarkstreetto——Godaloneknowswhatend。
　　Ifliquorisworthdrinking，itisworthtakingalittletroubletocomeat——suchtroubleasamanwillundergotocompasshisowndesires。Itisnotgoodthatweshouldletitliebeforetheeyesofchildren，andIhavebeenafoolinwritingtothecontrary。Verysorryformyself，Isoughtahotel，andfoundinthehallareporterwhowishedtoknowwhatIthoughtofthecountry。HimIluredintoconversationabouthisownprofession，andfromhimgainedmuchthatconfirmedmeinmyviewsofthegrindingtyrannyofthatthingwhichtheycallthePresshere。
　　Thus：——I——Butyoutalkaboutinterviewingpeoplewhethertheylikeitornot。Haveyounoboundsbeyondwhichevenyourindecentcuriositymustnotgo？
　　HE——Ihaven’tstruck’emyet。Whatdoyouthinkofinterviewingawidowtwohoursafterherhusband’sdeath，togetherversionofhislife？
　　I——Ithinkthatistheworkofaghoul。Mustthepeoplehavenoprivacy？
　　HE——ThereisnodomesticprivacyinAmerica。Iftherewas，whatthedeucewouldthepapersdo？Seehere。SometimeagoIhadanassignmenttowriteupthefloraltributeswhenaprominentcitizenhaddied。
　　I——Translate，please；Idonotunderstandyourpaganritesandceremonies。
　　HE——Iwasorderedbytheofficetodescribetheflowers，andwreaths，andsoon，thathadbeensenttoadeadman’sfuneral。
　　Well，Iwenttothehouse。Therewasnoonetheretostopme，soIyankedthetinkler——pulledthebell——anddriftedintotheroomwherethecorpselayallamongtherosesandsmilax。Iwhippedoutmynote—bookandpawedaroundamongthefloraltributes，turn—inguptheticketsonthewreathsandseeingwhohadsentthem。InthemiddleofthisIheardsomeonesaying："Please，oh，please!"behindme，andtherestoodthedaughterofthehouse，justbathedintears——I——Youunmitigatedbrute!
　　HE——PrettymuchwhatIfeltmyself。"I’mverysorry，miss，"I
　　said，"tointrudeontheprivacyofyourgrief。Trustme，I
　　shallmakeitaslittlepainfulaspossible。"
　　I——Butbywhatconceivablerightdidyououtrage——HE——Holdyourhorses。I’mtellingyou。Well，shedidn’twantmeinthehouseatall，andbetweenhersobsfairlywavedmeaway。Ihadhalfthetributesdescribed，though，andthebalanceIdidpartlyonthestepswhenthestiff’uncameout，andpartlyinthechurch。
　　Thepreachergavethesermon。Thatwasn’tmyassignment。I
　　skippedaboutamongthefloraltributeswhilehewastalking。I
　　couldhavemadenoexcuseifIhadgonebacktotheofficeandsaidthataprettygirl’ssobshadstoppedmeobeyingorders。I
　　hadtodoit。Whatdoyouthinkofitall？
　　I（slowly）——Doyouwanttoknow？
　　HE（withhisnote—bookready）——Ofcourse。Howdoyouregardit？
　　I——ItmakesmeregardyourinterestingnationwiththesameshudderingcuriositythatIshouldbestowonaPappancannibalchewingthescalpoffhismother’sskull。Doesthatconveyanyideatoyourmind？Itmakesmeregardthewholepackofyouasheathens——realheathens——notthesortyousendmissionsto——creaturesofanotherfleshandblood。Yououghttohavebeenshot，notdead，butthroughthestomach，foryourshareinthescandalousbusiness，andthethingyoucallyournewspaperoughttohavebeensackedbythemob，andthemanagingproprietorhanged。
　　HE——Fromwhich，Isupposeyouhavenothingofthatkindinyourcountry？
　　Oh!"Pioneer，"venerable"Pioneer，"andyounotlesshonestpressofIndia，whoareoccasionallydullbutneverblackguardly，whatcouldIsay？Amere"No，"shoutedneversoloudly，wouldnothavemettheneedsofthecase。Isaidnoword。
　　Thereporterwentaway，andItookatrainforNiagaraFalls，whicharetwenty—twomilesdistantfromthisbadtown，wheregirlsgetdrunkofnightsandreporterstrampleoncorpsesinthedrawing—roomsofthebraveandthefree!