首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第52章

第52章

  `She’sbeenwantingmetodigoutthegraveagain,andlethergettothecoffins,’saidthemanwiththespade。`Sheoughttobetookhome,bythelooko’her。Sheishardlyresponsible,poorthing,seemingly。
  Can’tdig’emupagainnow,ma’am。Doyegohomewithyourhusband,andtakeitquiet,andthankGodthatthere’llbeanothersoontoswageyergrief。’
  ButSuekeptaskingpiteously:`Can’tIseethemoncemore-justonce!Can’tI?Onlyjustonelittleminute,Jude?Itwouldnottakelong!
  AndIshouldbesoglad,Jude!Iwillbesogood,andnotdisobeyyoueveranymore,Jude,ifyouwillletme?Iwouldgohomequietlyafterwards,andnotwanttoseethemanymore!Can’tI?Whycan’tI?’
  Thusshewenton。Judewasthrownintosuchacutesorrowthathealmostfelthewouldtrytogetthemantoaccede。Butitcoulddonogood,andmightmakeherstillworse;andhesawthatitwasimperativetogetherhomeatonce。Sohecoaxedher,andwhisperedtenderly,andputhisarmroundhertosupporther;tillshehelplesslygavein,andwasinducedtoleavethecemetery。
  Hewishedtoobtainaflytotakeherbackin,buteconomybeingsoimperativeshedeprecatedhisdoingso,andtheywalkedalongslowly,Judeinblackcrape,sheinbrownandredclothing。Theyweretohavegonetoanewlodgingthatafternoon,butJudesawthatitwasnotpracticable,andincourseoftimetheyenteredthenowhatedhouse。Suewasatoncegottobed,andthedoctorsentfor。
  Judewaitedalltheeveningdownstairs。Ataverylatehourtheintelligencewasbroughttohimthatachildhadbeenprematurelyborn,andthatit,liketheothers,wasacorpse。
  JudetheObscureChapter45VI-iiiSuewasconvalescent,thoughshehadhopedfordeath,andJudehadagainobtainedworkathisoldtrade。Theywereinotherlodgingsnow,inthedirectionofBeersheba,andnotfarfromtheChurchofCeremonies-SaintSilas。
  Theywouldsitsilent,morebodefulofthedirectantagonismofthingsthanoftheirinsensateandstolidobstructiveness。VagueandquaintimaginingshadhauntedSueinthedayswhenherintellectscintillatedlikeastar,thattheworldresembledastanzaormelodycomposedinadream;itwaswonderfullyexcellenttothehalf-arousedintelligence,buthopelesslyabsurdatthefullwaking;thatthefirstcauseworkedautomaticallylikeasomnambulist,andnotreflectivelylikeasage;thatattheframingoftheterrestrialconditionsthereseemednevertohavebeencontemplatedsuchadevelopmentofemotionalperceptivenessamongthecreaturessubjecttothoseconditionsasthatreachedbythinkingandeducatedhumanity。
  Butafflictionmakesopposingforcesloomanthropomorphous;andthoseideaswerenowexchangedforasenseofJudeandherselffleeingfromapersecutor。
  `Wemustconform!’shesaidmournfully。`AlltheancientwrathofthePoweraboveushasbeenventeduponus。Hispoorcreatures,andwemustsubmit。Thereisnochoice。Wemust。ItisnousefightingagainstGod!’
  `Itisonlyagainstmanandsenselesscircumstance,’saidJude。
  `True!’shemurmured。`WhathaveIbeenthinkingof!Iamgettingassuperstitiousasasavage!……Butwhoeverorwhateverourfoemaybe,Iamcowedintosubmission。Ihavenomorefightingstrengthleft;nomoreenterprise。Iambeaten,beaten!……`Wearemadeaspectacleuntotheworld,andtoangels,andtomen!’Iamalwayssayingthatnow。’
  `Ifeelthesame!’
  `Whatshallwedo?Youareinworknow;butremember,itmayonlybebecauseourhistoryandrelationsarenotabsolutelyknown……Possibly,iftheyknewourmarriagehadnotbeenformalizedtheywouldturnyououtofyourjobastheydidatAldbrickham!’
  `Ihardlyknow。Perhapstheywouldhardlydothat。However,I
  thinkthatweoughttomakeitlegalnow-assoonasyouareabletogoout。’
  `Youthinkweought?’
  `Certainly。’
  AndJudefellintothought。`Ihaveseemedtomyselflately,’
  hesaid,`tobelongtothatvastbandofmenshunnedbythevirtuous-
  themencalledseducers。ItamazesmewhenIthinkofit!Ihavenotbeenconsciousofit,orofanywrongdoingtowardsyou,whomIlovemorethanmyself。YetIamoneofthosemen!Iwonderifanyotherofthemarethesamepurblind,simplecreaturesasI?……Yes,Sue-that’swhatIam。
  Iseducedyou……Youwereadistincttype-arefinedcreature,intendedbyNaturetobeleftintact。ButIcouldn’tleaveyoualone!’
  `No,no,Jude!’shesaidquickly。`Don’treproachyourselfwithbeingwhatyouarenot。IfanybodyistoblameitisI。’
  `IsupportedyouinyourresolvetoleavePhillotson;andwithoutmeperhapsyouwouldn’thaveurgedhimtoletyougo。’
  `Ishouldhave,justthesame。Astoourselves,thefactofournothavingenteredintoalegalcontractisthesavingfeatureinourunion。
  Wehavetherebyavoidedinsulting,asitwere,thesolemnityofourfirstmarriages。’
  `Solemnity?’Judelookedatherwithsomesurprise,andgrewconsciousthatshewasnottheSueoftheirearliertime。
  `Yes,’shesaid,withalittlequiverinherwords,`Ihavehaddreadfulfears,adreadfulsenseofmyowninsolenceofaction。Ihavethought-thatIamstillhiswife!’
  `Whose?’
  `Richard’s。’
  `GoodGod,dearest!-why?’
  `OhIcan’texplain!Onlythethoughtcomestome。’
  `Itisyourweakness-asickfancy,withoutreasonormeaning!
  Don’tletittroubleyou。’
  Suesigheduneasily。
  Asaset-offagainstsuchdiscussionsasthesetherehadcomeanimprovementintheirpecuniaryposition,whichearlierintheirexperiencewouldhavemadethemcheerful。Judehadquiteunexpectedlyfoundgoodemploymentathisoldtradealmostdirectlyhearrived,thesummerweathersuitinghisfragileconstitution;andoutwardlyhisdayswentonwiththatmonotonousuniformitywhichisinitselfsogratefulaftervicissitude。Peopleseemedtohaveforgottenthathehadevershownanyawkwardaberrancies:andhedailymountedtotheparapetsandcopingsofcollegeshecouldneverenter,andrenewedthecrumblingfreestonesofmullionedwindowshewouldneverlookfrom,asifhehadknownnowishtodootherwise。
  Therewasthischangeinhim;thathedidnotoftengotoanyserviceatthechurchesnow。Onethingtroubledhimmorethananyother;
  thatSueandhimselfhadmentallytravelledinoppositedirectionssincethetragedy:eventswhichhadenlargedhisownviewsoflife,laws,customs,anddogmas,hadnotoperatedinthesamemanneronSue’s。Shewasnolongerthesameasintheindependentdays,whenherintellectplayedlikelambentlightningoverconventionsandformalitieswhichheatthattimerespected,thoughhedidnotnow。
  OnaparticularSundayeveninghecameinratherlate。Shewasnotathome,butshesoonreturned,whenhefoundhersilentandmeditative。
  `Whatareyouthinkingof,littlewoman?’heaskedcuriously。
  `OhIcan’ttellclearly!Ihavethoughtthatwehavebeenselfish,careless,evenimpious,inourcourses,youandI。Ourlifehasbeenavainattemptatself-delight。Butself-abnegationisthehigherroad。Weshouldmortifytheflesh-theterribleflesh-thecurseofAdam!’
  `Sue!’hemurmured。`Whathascomeoveryou?’
  `Weoughttobecontinuallysacrificingourselvesonthealtarofduty!ButIhavealwaysstriventodowhathaspleasedme。IwelldeservedthescourgingIhavegot!Iwishsomethingwouldtaketheevilrightoutofme,andallmymonstrouserrors,andallmysinfulways!’
  `Sue-myowntoosufferingdear!-there’snoevilwomaninyou。
  Yournaturalinstinctsareperfectlyhealthy;notquitesoimpassioned,perhaps,asIcouldwish;butgood,anddear,andpure。AndasIhaveoftensaid,youareabsolutelythemostethereal,leastsensualwomanIeverknewtoexistwithoutinhumansexlessness。Whydoyoutalkinsuchachangedway?Wehavenotbeenselfish,exceptwhennoonecouldprofitbyourbeingotherwise。Youusedtosaythathumannaturewasnobleandlong-suffering,notvileandcorrupt,andatlastIthoughtyouspoketruly。Andnowyouseemtotakesuchamuchlowerview!’
  `Iwantahumbleheart;andachastenedmind;andIhaveneverhadthemyet!’
  `Youhavebeenfearless,bothasathinkerandasafeeler,andyoudeservedmoreadmirationthanIgave。Iwastoofullofnarrowdogmasatthattimetoseeit。’
  `Don’tsaythat,Jude!Iwishmyeveryfearlesswordandthoughtcouldberootedoutofmyhistory。Self-renunciation-that’severything!
  Icannothumiliatemyselftoomuch。Ishouldliketoprickmyselfalloverwithpinsandbleedoutthebadnessthat’sinme!’
  `Hush!’hesaid,pressingherlittlefaceagainsthisbreastasifshewereaninfant。`Itisbereavementthathasbroughtyoutothis!
  Suchremorseisnotforyou,mysensitiveplant,butforthewickedonesoftheearth-whoneverfeelit!’
  `Ioughtnottostaylikethis,’shemurmured,whenshehadremainedinthepositionalongwhile。
  `Whynot?’
  `Itisindulgence。’
  `Stillonthesametack!Butisthereanythingbetteronearththanthatweshouldloveoneanother?’
  `Yes。Itdependsonthesortoflove;andyours-oursisthewrong。’
  `Iwon’thaveit,Sue!Come,whendoyouwishourmarriagetobesignedinavestry?’
  Shepaused,andlookedupuneasily。`Never,’shewhispered。
  Notknowingthewholeofhermeaninghetooktheobjectionserenely,andsaidnothing。Severalminuteselapsed,andhethoughtshehadfallenasleep;buthespokesoftly,andfoundthatshewaswideawakeallthetime。Shesatuprightandsighed。
  `Thereisastrange,indescribableperfumeoratmosphereaboutyouto-night,Sue,’hesaid。`Imeannotonlymentally,butaboutyourclothes,also。Asortofvegetablescent,whichIseemtoknow,yetcannotremember。’
  `Itisincense。’
  `Incense?’
  `IhavebeentotheserviceatSt。Silas’,andIwasinthefumesofit。’
  `Oh-St。Silas’。’
  `Yes。Igotheresometimes。’
  `Indeed。Yougothere!’
  `Yousee,Jude,itislonelyhereintheweekdaymornings,whenyouareatwork,andIthinkandthinkof-ofmy-`Shestoppedtillshecouldcontrolthelumpinessofherthroat。`AndIhavetakentogointhere,asitissonear。’
  `Ohwell-ofcourse,Isaynothingagainstit。Onlyitisodd,foryou。Theylittlethinkwhatsortofchielisamangthem!’
  `Whatdoyoumean,Jude?’
  `Well-asceptic,tobeplain。’
  `Howcanyoupainmeso,dearJude,inmytrouble!YetIknowyoudidn’tmeanit。Butyououghtnottosaythat。’
  `Iwon’t。ButIammuchsurprised!’
  `Well-Iwanttotellyousomethingelse,Jude。Youwon’tbeangry,willyou?Ihavethoughtofitagooddealsincemybabiesdied。
  Idon’tthinkIoughttobeyourwife-orasyourwife-anylonger。’
  `What?……Butyouare!’
  `Fromyourpointofview;but-’
  `Ofcoursewewereafraidoftheceremony,andagoodmanyotherswouldhavebeeninourplaces,withsuchstrongreasonsforfears。Butexperiencehasprovedhowwemisjudgedourselves,andoverratedourinfirmities;
  andifyouarebeginningtorespectritesandceremonies,asyouseemtobe,Iwonderyoudon’tsayitshallbecarriedoutinstantly?Youcertainlyaremywife,Sue,inallbutlaw。Whatdoyoumeanbywhatyousaid?’
  `Idon’tthinkIam!’
  `Not?Butsupposewehadgonethroughtheceremony?Wouldyoufeelthatyouwerethen?’
  `No。IshouldnotfeeleventhenthatIwas。IshouldfeelworsethanIdonow。’
  `Whyso-inthenameofallthat’sperverse,mydear?’
  `BecauseIamRichard’s。’
  `Ah-youhintedthatabsurdfancytomebefore!’
  `Itwasonlyanimpressionwithmethen;Ifeelmoreandmoreconvincedastimegoesonthat-Ibelongtohim,ortonobody。’
  `Mygoodheavens-howwearechangingplaces!’
  `Yes。Perhapsso。’