Judewaited,knowingthatshecouldentereasilyenough,thefrontdoorbeingopenedmerelybyaknobwhichanybodycouldturn,asinmostoldcountrytowns。Hepalpitatedatthethoughtthatshehadfledtohiminhertroubleashehadfledtoherinhis。Whatcounterpartstheywere!
Heunlatchedthedoorofhisroom,heardastealthyrustleonthedarkstairs,andinamomentsheappearedinthelightofhislamp。Hewentuptoseizeherhand,andfoundshewasclammyasamarinedeity,andthatherclothesclungtoherliketherobesuponthefiguresintheParthenonfrieze。
`I’msocold!’shesaidthroughherchatteringteeth。`CanIcomebyyourfire,Jude?’
Shecrossedtohislittlegrateandverylittlefire,butasthewaterdrippedfromherasshemoved,theideaofdryingherselfwasabsurd。
`Whateverhaveyoudone,darling?’heasked,withalarm,thetenderepithetslippingoutunawares。
`Walkedthroughthelargestriverinthecounty-that’swhatI’vedone!Theylockedmeupforbeingoutwithyou;anditseemedsounjustthatIcouldn’tbearit,soIgotoutofthewindowandescapedacrossthestream!’Shehadbeguntheexplanationinherusualslightlyindependenttones,butbeforeshehadfinishedthethinpinklipstrembled,andshecouldhardlyrefrainfromcrying。
`DearSue!’hesaid。`Youmusttakeoffallyourthings!Andletmesee-youmustborrowsomefromthelandlady。I’llaskher。’
`No,no!Don’tletherknow,forGod’ssake!Wearesoneartheschoolthatthey’llcomeafterme!’
`Thenyoumustputonmine。Youdon’tmind?’
`Ohno。’
`MySundaysuit,youknow。Itisclosehere。’Infact,everythingwascloseandhandyinJude’ssinglechamber,becausetherewasnotroomforittobeotherwise。Heopenedadrawer,tookouthisbestdarksuit,andgivingthegarmentsashake,said,`Now,howlongshallIgiveyou?’
`Tenminutes。’
Judelefttheroomandwentintothestreet,wherehewalkedupanddown。Aclockstruckhalf-pastseven,andhereturned。Sittinginhisonlyarm-chairhesawaslimandfragilebeingmasqueradingashimselfonaSunday,sopatheticinherdefencelessnessthathisheartfeltbigwiththesenseofit。Ontwootherchairsbeforethefirewereherwetgarments。Sheblushedashesatdownbesideher,butonlyforamoment。
`Isuppose,Jude,itisoddthatyoushouldseemelikethisandallmythingshangingthere?Yetwhatnonsense!Theyareonlyawoman’sclothes-sexlessclothandlinen……IwishIdidn’tfeelsoillandsick!
Willyoudrymyclothesnow?Pleasedo,Jude,andI’llgetalodgingbyandby。Itisnotlateyet。’
`No,youshan’t,ifyouareill。Youmuststayhere。Dear,dearSue,whatcanIgetforyou?’
`Idon’tknow!Ican’thelpshivering。IwishIcouldgetwarm。’
Judeputonherhisgreat-coatinaddition,andthenranouttothenearestpublic-house,whencehereturnedwithalittlebottleinhishand。`Here’ssixofbestbrandy,’hesaid。`Nowyoudrinkit,dear;allofit。’
`Ican’toutofthebottle,canI?’Judefetchedtheglassfromthedressing-table,andadministeredthespiritinsomewater。Shegaspedalittle,butgulpeditdown,andlaybackinthearmchair。
Shethenbegantorelatecircumstantiallyherexperiencessincetheyhadparted;butinthemiddleofherstoryhervoicefaltered,herheadnodded,andsheceased。Shewasinasoundsleep。Jude,dyingofanxietylestsheshouldhavecaughtachillwhichmightpermanentlyinjureher,wasgladtoheartheregularbreathing。Hesoftlywentnearertoher,andobservedthatawarmflushnowrosedherhithertobluecheeks,andfeltthatherhanginghandwasnolongercold。Thenhestoodwithhisbacktothefireregardingher,andsawinheralmostadivinity。
JudetheObscureChapter22III-ivJude’sreveriewasinterruptedbythecreakoffootstepsascendingthestairs。
HewhiskedSue’sclothingfromthechairwhereitwasdrying,thrustitunderthebed,andsatdowntohisbook。Somebodyknockedandopenedthedoorimmediately。Itwasthelandlady。
`Oh,Ididn’tknowwhetheryouwasinornot,Mr。Fawley。Iwantedtoknowifyouwouldrequiresupper。Iseeyou’veayounggentleman——
’
`Yes,ma’am。ButIthinkIwon’tcomedownto-night。Willyoubringsupperuponatray,andI’llhaveacupofteaaswell。’
ItwasJude’scustomtogodownstairstothekitchen,andeathismealswiththefamily,tosavetrouble。Hislandladybroughtupthesupper,however,onthisoccasion,andhetookitfromheratthedoor。
Whenshehaddescendedhesettheteapotonthehob,anddrewoutSue’sclothesanew;buttheywerefarfromdry。Athickwoollengown,hefound,heldadealofwater。Sohehungthemupagain,andenlargedhisfireandmusedasthesteamfromthegarmentswentupthechimney。
Suddenlyshesaid,`Jude!’
`Yes。Allright。Howdoyoufeelnow?’
`Better。Quitewell。Why,Ifellasleep,didn’tI?Whattimeisit?Notlatesurely?’
`Itispastten。’
`Isitreally?WhatshallIdo!’shesaid,startingup。
`Staywhereyouare。’
`Yes;that’swhatIwanttodo。ButIdon’tknowwhattheywouldsay!Andwhatwillyoudo?’
`Iamgoingtositherebythefireallnight,andread。To-morrowisSunday,andIhaven’ttogooutanywhere。Perhapsyouwillbesavedasevereillnessbyrestingthere。Don’tbefrightened。I’mallright。
Lookhere,whatIhavegotforyou。Somesupper。’
Whenshehadsatuprightshebreathedplaintivelyandsaid,`I
dofeelratherweakstill。lthoughtIwaswell;andIoughtnottobehere,oughtI?’Butthesupperfortifiedhersomewhat,andwhenshehadhadsometeaandhadlainbackagainshewasbrightandcheerful。
Theteamusthavebeengreen,ortoolongdrawn,forsheseemedpreternaturallywakefulafterwards,thoughJude,whohadnottakenany,begantofeelheavy;tillherconversationfixedhisattention。
`Youcalledmeacreatureofcivilization,orsomething,didn’tyou?’shesaid,breakingasilence。`Itwasveryoddyoushouldhavedonethat。’
`Why?’
`Well,becauseitisprovokinglywrong。Iamasortofnegationofit。’
`Youareveryphilosophical。`Anegation’isprofoundtalking。’
`Isit?DoIstrikeyouasbeinglearned?’sheasked,withatouchofraillery。
`No-notlearned。Onlyyoudon’ttalkquitelikeagirl-well,agirlwhohashadnoadvantages。’
`Ihavehadadvantages。Idon’tknowLatinandGreek,thoughI
knowthegrammarsofthosetongues。ButIknowmostoftheGreekandLatinclassicsthroughtranslations,andotherbookstoo。IreadLempriere,Catullus,Martial,Juvenal,Lucian,BeaumontandFletcher,Boccaccio,Scarron,DeBrantame,Sterne,DeFoe,Smollett,Fielding,Shakespeare,theBible,andothersuch;andfoundthatallinterestintheunwholesomepartofthosebooksendedwithitsmystery。’
`YouhavereadmorethanI,’hesaidwithasigh。`Howcameyoutoreadsomeofthosequeererones?’
`Well,’shesaidthoughtfully,`itwasbyaccident。Mylifehasbeenentirelyshapedbywhatpeoplecallapeculiarityinme。Ihavenofearofmen,assuch,noroftheirbooks。Ihavemixedwiththem-oneortwoofthemparticularly-almostasoneoftheirownsex。ImeanI
havenotfeltaboutthemasmostwomenaretaughttofeel-tobeontheirguardagainstattacksontheirvirtue;fornoaverageman-nomanshortofasensualsavage-willmolestawomanbydayornight,athomeorabroad,unlesssheinviteshim。Untilshesaysbyalook`Comeon’heisalwaysafraidto,andifyouneversayit,orlookit,henevercomes。However,whatIwasgoingtosayisthatwhenIwaseighteenIformedafriendlyintimacywithanundergraduateatChristminster,andhetaughtmeagreatdeal,andlentmebookswhichIshouldneverhavegotholdofotherwise。’
`Isyourfriendshipbrokenoff?’
`Ohyes。Hedied,poorfellow,twoorthreeyearsafterhehadtakenhisdegreeandleftChristminster。’
`Yousawagooddealofhim,Isuppose?’
`Yes。Weusedtogoabouttogether-onwalkingtours,readingtours,andthingsofthatsort-liketwomenalmost。Heaskedmetolivewithhim,andIagreedtobyletter。ButwhenIjoinedhiminLondonI
foundhemeantadifferentthingfromwhatImeant。Hewantedmetobehismistress,infact,butIwasn’tinlovewithhim-andonmysayingIshouldgoawayifhedidn’tagreetomyplan,hedidso。Wesharedasitting-roomforfifteenmonths;andhebecamealeader-writerforoneofthegreatLondondailies;tillhewastakenill,andhadtogoabroad。
HesaidIwasbreakinghisheartbyholdingoutagainsthimsolongatsuchclosequarters;hecouldneverhavebelieveditofwoman。Imightplaythatgameoncetoooften,hesaid。Hecamehomemerelytodie。Hisdeathcausedaterribleremorseinmeformycruelty-thoughIhopehediedofconsumptionandnotofmeentirely。lwentdowntoSandbournetohisfuneral,andwashisonlymourner。Heleftmealittlemoney-becauseIbrokehisheart,Isuppose。That’showmenare-somuchbetterthanwomen!’
`Goodheavens!-whatdidyoudothen?’
`Ah-nowyouareangrywithme!’shesaid,acontraltonoteoftragedycomingsuddenlyintohersilveryvoice。`Iwouldn’thavetoldyouifIhadknown!’
`No,Iamnot。Tellmeall。’
`Well,Iinvestedhismoney,poorfellow,inabubblescheme,andlostit。IlivedaboutLondonbymyselfforsometime,andthenIreturnedtoChristminster,asmyfather-whowasalsoinLondon,andhadstartedasanartmetal-workernearLong-Acre-wouldn’thavemeback;andIgotthatoccupationintheartist-shopwhereyoufoundme……Isaidyoudidn’tknowhowbadIwas!’
Judelookedrounduponthearm-chairanditsoccupant,asiftoreadmorecarefullythecreaturehehadgivenshelterto。Hisvoicetrembledashesaid:`Howeveryouhavelived,Sue,Ibelieveyouareasinnocentasyouareunconventional!’
`Iamnotparticularlyinnocent,asyousee,nowthatIhave`twitchedtherobeFromthatblanklay-figureyourfancydraped,’’saidshe,withanostensiblesneer,thoughhecouldhearthatshewasbrimmingwithtears。`ButIhaveneveryieldedmyselftoanylover,ifthat’swhatyoumean!IhaveremainedasIbegan。’
`Iquitebelieveyou。Butsomewomenwouldnothaveremainedastheybegan。’
`Pehapsnot。Betterwomenwouldnot。PeoplesayImustbecold-natured-sexless-onaccountofit。ButIwon’thaveit!Someofthemostpassionatelyeroticpoetshavebeenthemostself-containedintheirdailylives。’
`HaveyoutoldMr。Phillotsonaboutthisuniversityscholarfriend?’
`Yes-longago。Ihavenevermadeanysecretofittoanybody。’
`Whatdidhesay?’
`Hedidnotpassanycriticism-onlysaidIwaseverythingtohim,whateverIdid;andthingslikethat。’
Judefeltmuchdepressed;sheseemedtogetfurtherandfurtherawayfromhimwithherstrangewaysandcuriousunconsciousnessofgender。
`Aren’tyoureallyvexedwithme,dearJude?’shesuddenlyasked,inavoiceofsuchextraordinarytendernessthatithardlyseemedtocomefromthesamewomanwhohadjusttoldherstorysolightly。`I
wouldratheroffendanybodyintheworldthanyou,Ithink!’
`Idon’tknowwhetherIamvexedornot。IknowIcareverymuchaboutyou!’
`IcareasmuchforyouasforanybodyIevermet。’
`Youdon’tcaremore!There,Ioughtnottosaythat。Don’tanswerit!’
Therewasanotherlongsilence。Hefeltthatshewastreatinghimcruelly,thoughhecouldnotquitesayinwhatway。Herveryhelplessnessseemedtomakehersomuchstrongerthanhe。
`Iamawfullyignorantongeneralmatters,althoughIhaveworkedsohard,’hesaid,toturnthesubject。`Iamabsorbedintheology,youknow。AndwhatdoyouthinkIshouldbedoingjustaboutnow,ifyouweren’there?Ishouldbesayingmyeveningprayers。Isupposeyouwouldn’tlike——’
`Ohno,no,’sheanswered,`Iwouldrathernot,ifyoudon’tmind。
Ishouldseemso-suchahypocrite。’
`Ithoughtyouwouldn’tjoin,soIdidn’tproposeit。YoumustrememberthatIhopetobeausefulministersomeday。’
`Tobeordained,Ithinkyousaid?’
`Yes。’
第21章