首页 >出版文学> Little Women>第55章

第55章

  Mr。Bhaerspokewarmly,andwalkedtothefire,crumplingthepaperinhishands。Josatstill,lookingasifthefirehadcometoher,forhercheeksburnedlongafterthecockedhathadturnedtosmokeandgoneharmlesslyupthechimney。
  “Ishouldlikemuchtosendalltherestafterhim,“mutteredtheProfessor,comingbackwitharelievedair。
  Jothoughtwhatablazeherpileofpapersupstairswouldmake,andherhard-earnedmoneylayratherheavilyonherconscienceatthatminute。Thenshethoughtconsolinglytoherself,“Minearenotlikethat,theyareonlysilly,neverbad,soIwon’tbeworried,“andtakingupherbook,shesaid,withastudiousface,“Shallwegoon,Sir?I’llbeverygoodandpropernow。“
  “Ishallhopeso,“wasallhesaid,buthemeantmorethansheimagined,andthegrave,kindlookhegavehermadeherfeelasifthewordsWeeklyVolcanowereprintedinlargetypeonherforehead。
  Assoonasshewenttoherroom,shegotoutherpapers,andcarefullyrereadeveryoneofherstories。Beingalittleshortsighted,Mr。Bhaersometimesusedeyeglasses,andJohadtriedthemonce,smilingtoseehowtheymagnifiedthefineprintofherbook。NowsheseemedtohaveontheProfessor’smentalormoralspectaclesalso,forthefaultsofthesepoorstoriesglaredatherdreadfullyandfilledherwithdismay。
  “Theyaretrash,andwillsoonbeworsetrashifIgoon,foreachismoresensationalthanthelast。I’vegoneblindlyon,hurtingmyselfandotherpeople,forthesakeofmoney。Iknowit’sso,forIcan’treadthisstuffinsoberearnestwithoutbeinghorriblyashamedofit,andwhatshouldIdoiftheywereseenathomeorMr。Bhaergotholdofthem?“
  Joturnedhotatthebareidea,andstuffedthewholebundleintoherstove,nearlysettingthechimneyafirewiththeblaze。
  “Yes,that’sthebestplaceforsuchinflammablenonsense。
  I’dbetterburnthehousedown,Isuppose,thanletotherpeopleblowthemselvesupwithmygunpowder,“shethoughtasshewatchedtheDemonoftheJurawhiskaway,alittleblackcinderwithfieryeyes。
  Butwhennothingremainedofallherthreemonth’sworkexceptaheapofashesandthemoneyinherlap,Jolookedsober,asshesatonthefloor,wonderingwhatsheoughttodoaboutherwages。
  “IthinkIhaven’tdonemuchharmyet,andmaykeepthistopayformytime,“shesaid,afteralongmeditation,addingimpatiently,“IalmostwishIhadn’tanyconscience,it’ssoinconvenient。IfIdidn’tcareaboutdoingright,anddidn’tfeeluncomfortablewhendoingwrong,Ishouldgetoncapitally。
  Ican’thelpwishingsometimes,thatMotherandFatherhadn’tbeensoparticularaboutsuchthings。“
  Ah,Jo,insteadofwishingthat,thankGodthat`FatherandMotherwereparticular’。andpityfromyourheartthosewhohavenosuchguardianstohedgethemroundwithprincipleswhichmayseemlikeprisonwallstoimpatientyouth,butwhichwillprovesurefoundationstobuildcharacteruponinwomanhood。
  Jowrotenomoresensationalstories,decidingthatthemoneydidnotpayforhershareofthesensation,butgoingtotheotherextreme,asisthewaywithpeopleofherstamp,shetookacourseofMrs。Sherwood,MissEdgeworth,andHannahMore,andthenproducedatalewhichmighthavebeenmoreproperlycalledanessayorasermon,sointenselymoralwasit。Shehadherdoubtsaboutitfromthebeginning,forherlivelyfancyandgirlishromancefeltasillateaseinthenewstyleasshewouldhavedonemasqueradinginthestiffandcumbrouscostumeofthelastcentury。Shesentthisdidacticgemtoseveralmarkets,butitfoundnopurchaser,andshewasinclinedtoagreewithMr。Dashwoodthatmoralsdidn’tsell。
  Thenshetriedachild’sstory,whichshecouldeasilyhavedisposedofifshehadnotbeenmercenaryenoughtodemandfilthylucreforit。Theonlypersonwhoofferedenoughtomakeitworthherwhiletotryjuvenileliteraturewasaworthygentlemanwhofeltithismissiontoconvertalltheworldtohisparticularbelief。Butmuchasshelikedtowriteforchildren,JocouldnotconsenttodepictallhernaughtyboysasbeingeatenbybearsortossedbymadbullsbecausetheydidnotgotoaparticularSabbathschool,norallthegoodinfantswhodidgoasrewardedbyeverykindofbliss,fromgildedgingerbreadtoescortsofangelswhentheydepartedthislifewithpsalmsorsermonsontheirlispingtongues。Sonothingcameofthesetrials,landJocorkedupherinkstand,andsaidinafitofverywholesomehumility……
  “Idon’tknowanything。I’llwaituntilIdobeforeItryagain,andmeantime,`sweepmudinthestreet’ifIcan’tdobetter,that’shonest,atleast。“Whichdecisionprovedthathersecondtumbledownthebeanstalkhaddonehersomegood。
  Whiletheseinternalrevolutionsweregoingon,herexternallifehadbeenasbusyanduneventfulasusual,andifshesometimeslookedseriousoralittlesadnooneobserveditbutProfessorBhaer。HediditsoquietlythatJoneverknewhewaswatchingtoseeifshewouldacceptandprofitbyhisreproof,butshestoodthetest,andhewassatisfied,forthoughnowordspassedbetweenthem,heknewthatshehadgivenupwriting。Notonlydidheguessitbythefactthatthesecondfingerofherrighthandwasnolongerinky,butshespenthereveningsdownstairsnow,wasmetnomoreamongnewspaperoffices,andstudiedwithadoggedpatience,whichassuredhimthatshewasbentonoccupyinghermindwithsomethinguseful,ifnotpleasant。
  Hehelpedherinmanyways,provinghimselfatruefriend,andJowashappy,forwhileherpenlayidle,shewaslearningotherlessonsbesidesGerman,andlayingafoundationforthesensationstoryofherownlife。
  Itwasapleasantwinterandalongone,forshedidnotleaveMrs。KirketillJune。Everyoneseemedsorrywhenthetimecame。Thechildrenwereinconsolable,andMr。Bhaer’shairstuckstraightupalloverhishead,forhealwaysrumpleditwildlywhendisturbedinmind。
  “Goinghome?Ah,youarehappythatyouhafahometogoin,“hesaid,whenshetoldhim,andsatsilentlypullinghisbeardinthecorner,whilesheheldalittleleveeonthatlastevening。
  Shewasgoingearly,soshebadethemallgoodbyeovernight,andwhenhisturncame,shesaidwarmly,“Now,Sir,youwon’tforgettocomeandseeus,ifyouevertravelourway,willyou?
  I’llneverforgiveyouifyoudo,forIwantthemalltoknowmyfriend。“
  “Doyou?ShallIcome?“heasked,lookingdownatherwithaneagerexpressionwhichshedidnotsee。
  “Yes,comenextmonth。Lauriegraduatesthen,andyou’denjoycommencementassomethingnew。“
  “Thatisyourbestfriend,ofwhomyouspeak?“hesaidinanalteredtone。
  “Yes,myboyTeddy。I’mveryproudofhimandshouldlikeyoutoseehim。“
  Jolookedupthen,quiteunconsciousofanythingbutherownpleasureintheprospectofshowingthemtooneanother。
  SomethinginMr。Bhaer’sfacesuddenlyrecalledthefactthatshemightfindLauriemorethana`bestfriend’,andsimplybecausesheparticularlywishednottolookasifanythingwasthematter,sheinvoluntarilybegantoblush,andthemoreshetriednotto,thereddershegrew。IfithadnotbeenforTinaonherknee。Shedidn’tknowwhatwouldhavebecomeofher。
  Fortunatelythechildwasmovedtohugher,soshemanagedtohideherfaceaninstant,hopingtheProfessordidnotseeit。
  Buthedid,andhisownchangedagainfromthatmomentaryanxietytoitsusualexpression,ashesaidcordially……
  “IfearIshallnotmakethetimeforthat,butIwishthefriendmuchsuccess,andyouallhappiness。Gottblessyou!“Andwiththat,heshookhandswarmly,shoulderedTina,andwentaway。
  Butaftertheboyswereabed,hesatlongbeforehisfirewiththetiredlookonhisfaceandthe`heimweh’,orhomesickness,lyingheavyathisheart。Once,whenherememberedJoasshesatwiththelittlechildinherlapandthatnewsoftnessinherface,heleanedhisheadonhishandsaminute,andthenroamedabouttheroom,asifinsearchofsomethingthathecouldnotfind。
  “Itisnotforme,Imustnothopeitnow,“hesaidtohimself,withasighthatwasalmostagroan。Then,asifreproach-
  inghimselfforthelongingthathecouldnotrepress,hewentandkissedthetwotousledheadsuponthepillow,tookdownhisseldom-usedmeerschaum,andopenedhisPlato。
  Hedidhisbestanddiditmanfully,butIdon’tthinkhefoundthatapairoframpantboys,apipe,oreventhedivinePlato,wereverysatisfactorysubstitutesforwifeandchildathome。
  Earlyasitwas,hewasatthestationnextmorningtoseeJooff,andthankstohim,shebeganhersolitaryjourneywiththepleasantmemoryofafamiliarfacesmilingitsfarewell,abunchofvioletstokeephercompany,andbestofall,thehappythought,“Well,thewinter’sgone,andI’vewrittennobooks,earnednofortune,butI’vemadeafriendworthhavingandI’lltrytokeephimallmylife。“
  Whateverhismotivemighthavebeen,Lauriestudiedtosomepurposethatyear,forhegraduatedwithhonor,andgavetheLatinorationwiththegraceofaPhillipsandtheeloquenceofaDemosthenes,sohisfriendssaid。Theywereallthere,hisgrandfather——oh,soproud——Mr。andMrs。March,JohnandMeg,JoandBeth,andallexultedoverhimwiththesincereadmirationwhichboysmakelightofatthetime,butfailtowinfromtheworldbyanyafter-triumphs。
  “I’vegottostayforthisconfoundedsupper,butIshallbehomeearlytomorrow。You’llcomeandmeetmeasusual,girls?“Lauriesaid,asheputthesistersintothecarriageafterthejoysofthedaywereover。Hesaid`girls’,buthemeantJo,forshewastheonlyonewhokeptuptheoldcustom。
  Shehadnotthehearttorefusehersplendid,successfulboyanything,andansweredwarmly……
  “I’llcome,Teddy,rainorshine,andmarchbeforeyou,playing`Hailtheconqueringherocomes’onajew’s-harp。“
  Lauriethankedherwithalookthatmadeherthinkinasuddenpanic,“Oh,dearyme!Iknowhe’llsaysomething,andthenwhatshallIdo?“
  Eveningmeditationandmorningworksomewhatallayedherfears,andhavingdecidedthatshewouldn’tbevainenoughtothinkpeopleweregoingtoproposewhenshehadgiventhemeveryreasontoknowwhatheranswerwouldbe,shesetforthattheappointedtime,hopingTeddywouldn’tdoanythingtomakeherhurthispoorfeelings。AcallatMeg’s,andarefreshingsniffandsipattheDaisyandDemijohn,stillfurtherfortifiedherforthetete-a-tete,butwhenshesawastalwartfigureloominginthedistance,shehadastrongdesiretoturnaboutandrunaway。
  “Where’sthejew’s-harp,Jo?“criedLaurie,assoonashewaswithinspeakingdistance。
  “Iforgotit。“AndJotookheartagain,forthatsalutationcouldnotbecalledloverlike。
  Shealwaysusedtotakehisarmontheseoccasions,nowshedidnot,andhemadenocomplaint,whichwasabadsign,buttalkedonrapidlyaboutallsortsoffarawaysubjects,tilltheyturnedfromtheroadintothelittlepaththatledhomewardthroughthegrove。Thenhewalkedmoreslowly,suddenlylosthisfineflowoflanguage,andnowandthenadreadfulpauseoccurred。Torescuetheconversationfromoneofthewellsofsilenceintowhichitkeptfalling,Josaidhastily,“Nowyoumusthaveagoodlongholiday!“
  “Iintendto。“
  SomethinginhisresolutetonemadeJolookupquicklytofindhimlookingdownatherwithanexpressionthatassuredherthedreadedmomenthadcome,andmadeherputoutherhandwithanimploring,“No,Teddy。Pleasedon’t!“
  “Iwill,andyoumusthearme。It’snouse,Jo,we’vegottohaveitout,andthesoonerthebetterforbothofus,“heanswered,gettingflushedandexcitedallatonce。
  “Saywhatyoulikethen。I’lllisten,“saidJo,withadesperatesortofpatience。
  Lauriewasayounglover,buthewasinearnest,andmeantto`haveitout’,ifhediedintheattempt,soheplungedintothesubjectwithcharacteristicimpetuousity,sayinginavoicethatwouldgetchokynowandthen,inspiteofmanfuleffortstokeepitsteady……
  “I’velovedyoueversinceI’veknownyou,Jo,couldn’thelpit,you’vebeensogoodtome。I’vetriedtoshowit,butyouwouldn’tletme。NowI’mgoingtomakeyouhear,andgivemeananswer,forIcan’tgoonsoanylonger。“
  “Iwantedtosaveyouthis。Ithoughtyou’dunderstand……
  beganJo,findingitagreatdealharderthansheexpected。
  “Iknowyoudid,butthegirlsaresoqueeryouneverknowwhattheymean。Theysaynowhentheymeanyes,anddriveamanoutofhiswitsjustforthefunofit,“returnedLaurie,entrenchinghimselfbehindanundeniablefact。
  “Idon’t。Ineverwantedtomakeyoucareformeso,andIwentawaytokeepyoufromitifIcould。“
  “Ithoughtso。Itwaslikeyou,butitwasnouse。I
  onlylovedyouallthemore,andIworkedhardtopleaseyou,andIgaveupbilliardsandeverythingyoudidn’tlike,andwaitedandnevercomplained,forIhopedyou’dloveme,thoughI’mnothalfgoodenough……“Heretherewasachokethatcouldn’tbecontrolled,sohedecapitatedbuttercupswhileheclearedhis`confoundedthroat’。
  “You,youare,you’reagreatdealtoogoodforme,andI’msogratefultoyou,andsoproudandfondofyou,Idon’tknowwhyIcan’tloveyouasyouwantmeto。I’vetried,butIcan’tchangethefeeling,anditwouldbealietosayIdowhenIdon’t。“
  “Really,truly,Jo?“
  Hestoppedshort,andcaughtbothherhandsasheputhisquestionwithalookthatshedidnotsoonforget。
  “Really,truly,dear。“
  Theywereinthegrovenow,closebythestile,andwhenthelastwordsfellreluctantlyfromJo’slips,Lauriedroppedherhandsandturnedasiftogoon,butforonceinhislifethefencewastoomuchforhim。Sohejustlaidhisheaddownonthemossypost,andstoodsostillthatJowasfrightened。
  “Oh,Teddy,I’msorry,sodesperatelysorry,Icouldkillmyselfifitwoulddoanygood!Iwishyouwouldn’ttakeitsohard,Ican’thelpit。Youknowit’simpossibleforpeopletomakethemselvesloveotherpeopleiftheydon’t,“criedJoinelegantlybutremorsefully,asshesoftlypattedhisshoulder,rememberingthetimewhenhehadcomfortedhersolongago。
  “Theydosometimes,“saidamuffledvoicefromthepost。
  “Idon’tbelieveit’stherightsortoflove,andI’drathernottryit,“wasthedecidedanswer。
  Therewasalongpause,whileablackbirdsungblithelyonthewillowbytheriver,andthetallgrassrustledinthewind。
  PresentlyJosaidverysoberly,asshesatdownonthestepofthestile,“Laurie,Iwanttotellyousomething。“
  Hestartedasifhehadbeenshot,threwuphishead,andcriedoutinafiercetone,“Don’ttellmethat,Jo,Ican’tbearitnow!“
  “Tellwhat?“sheasked,wonderingathisviolence。
  “Thatyoulovethatoldman。“