neverknewthemwaitformetobegin。Theywerealwaysforgivingme，intheirvanityandcondescension。Littleimagesofgrownpeople!
　　Oneofthemwasmychosenfriend。IlovedthatstupidmiteinapassionatewaythatshecouldnomoredeservethanIcanrememberwithoutfeelingashamedof，thoughIwasbutachild。Shehadwhattheycalledanamiabletemper，anaffectionatetemper。Shecoulddistribute，anddiddistributeprettylooksandsmilestoeveryoneamongthem。Ibelievetherewasnotasoulintheplace，exceptmyself，whoknewthatshediditpurposelytowoundandgallme!
　　Nevertheless，Isolovedthatunworthygirlthatmylifewasmadestormybymyfondnessforher。Iwasconstantlylecturedanddisgracedforwhatwascalled’tryingher；’inotherwordschargingherwithherlittleperfidyandthrowingherintotearsbyshowingherthatIreadherheart。However，Ilovedherfaithfully；andonetimeIwenthomewithherfortheholidays。
　　Shewasworseathomethanshehadbeenatschool。Shehadacrowdofcousinsandacquaintances，andwehaddancesatherhouse，andwentouttodancesatotherhouses，and，bothathomeandout，shetormentedmylovebeyondendurance。Herplanwas，tomakethemallfondofher——andsodrivemewildwithjealousy。Tobefamiliarandendearingwiththemall——andsomakememadwithenvyingthem。
　　Whenwewereleftaloneinourbedroomatnight，Iwouldreproachherwithmyperfectknowledgeofherbaseness；andthenshewouldcryandcryandsayIwascruel，andthenIwouldholdherinmyarmstillmorning：lovingherasmuchasever，andoftenfeelingasif，ratherthansufferso，Icouldsoholdherinmyarmsandplungetothebottomofariver——whereIwouldstillholdherafterwewerebothdead。
　　Itcametoanend，andIwasrelieved。Inthefamilytherewasanauntwhowasnotfondofme。Idoubtifanyofthefamilylikedmemuch；butIneverwantedthemtolikeme，beingaltogetherboundupintheonegirl。Theauntwasayoungwoman，andshehadaseriouswaywithhereyesofwatchingme。Shewasanaudaciouswoman，andopenlylookedcompassionatelyatme。AfteroneofthenightsthatIhavespokenof，Icamedownintoagreenhousebeforebreakfast。
　　Charlottethenameofmyfalseyoungfriendhadgonedownbeforeme，andIheardthisauntspeakingtoheraboutmeasIentered。
　　IstoppedwhereIwas，amongtheleaves，andlistened。
　　Theauntsaid，’Charlotte，MissWadeiswearingyoutodeath，andthismustnotcontinue。’IrepeattheverywordsIheard。
　　Now，whatdidsheanswer？Didshesay，’ItisIwhoamwearinghertodeath，Iwhoamkeepingheronarackandamtheexecutioner，yetshetellsmeeverynightthatshelovesmedevotedly，thoughsheknowswhatImakeherundergo？’No；myfirstmemorableexperiencewastruetowhatIknewhertobe，andtoallmyexperience。Shebegansobbingandweepingtosecuretheaunt’ssympathytoherself，andsaid，’Dearaunt，shehasanunhappytemper；othergirlsatschool，besidesI，tryhardtomakeitbetter；wealltryhard。’
　　Uponthattheauntfondledher，asifshehadsaidsomethingnobleinsteadofdespicableandfalse，andkeptuptheinfamouspretencebyreplying，’Buttherearereasonablelimits，mydearlove，toeverything，andIseethatthispoormiserablegirlcausesyoumoreconstantanduselessdistressthanevensogoodaneffortjustifies。’
　　Thepoormiserablegirlcameoutofherconcealment，asyoumaybepreparedtohear，andsaid，’Sendmehome。’Ineversaidanotherwordtoeitherofthem，ortoanyofthem，but’Sendmehome，orI
　　willwalkhomealone，nightandday!’WhenIgothome，Itoldmysupposedgrandmotherthat，unlessIwassentawaytofinishmyeducationsomewhereelsebeforethatgirlcameback，orbeforeanyoneofthemcameback，Iwouldburnmysightawaybythrowingmyselfintothefire，ratherthanIwouldenduretolookattheirplottingfaces。
　　Iwentamongyoungwomennext，andIfoundthemnobetter。Fairwordsandfairpretences；butIpenetratedbelowthoseassertionsofthemselvesanddepreciationsofme，andtheywerenobetter。
　　BeforeIleftthem，IlearnedthatIhadnograndmotherandnorecognisedrelation。Icarriedthelightofthatinformationbothintomypastandintomyfuture。Itshowedmemanynewoccasionsonwhichpeopletriumphedoverme，whentheymadeapretenceoftreatingmewithconsideration，ordoingmeaservice。
　　Amanofbusinesshadasmallpropertyintrustforme。Iwastobeagoverness；Ibecameagoverness；andwentintothefamilyofapoornobleman，wherethereweretwodaughters——littlechildren，buttheparentswishedthemtogrowup，ifpossible，underoneinstructress。Themotherwasyoungandpretty。Fromthefirst，shemadeashowofbehavingtomewithgreatdelicacy。Ikeptmyresentmenttomyself；butIknewverywellthatitwasherwayofpettingtheknowledgethatshewasmyMistress，andmighthavebehaveddifferentlytoherservantifithadbeenherfancy。
　　IsayIdidnotresentit，nordidI；butIshowedher，bynotgratifyingher，thatIunderstoodher。Whenshepressedmetotakewine，Itookwater。Iftherehappenedtobeanythingchoiceattable，shealwayssentittome：butIalwaysdeclinedit，andateoftherejecteddishes。Thesedisappointmentsofherpatronagewereasharpretort，andmademefeelindependent。
　　Ilikedthechildren。Theyweretimid，butonthewholedisposedtoattachthemselvestome。Therewasanurse，however，inthehouse，arosy-facedwomanalwaysmakinganobtrusivepretenceofbeinggayandgood-humoured，whohadnursedthemboth，andwhohadsecuredtheiraffectionsbeforeIsawthem。Icouldalmosthavesettleddowntomyfatebutforthiswoman。Herartfuldevicesforkeepingherselfbeforethechildreninconstantcompetitionwithme，mighthaveblindedmanyinmyplace；butIsawthroughthemfromthefirst。Onthepretextofarrangingmyroomsandwaitingonmeandtakingcareofmywardrobeallofwhichshedidbusily，shewasneverabsent。Themostcraftyofhermanysubtletieswasherfeintofseekingtomakethechildrenfonderofme。Shewouldleadthemtomeandcoaxthemtome。’CometogoodMissWade，cometodearMissWade，cometoprettyMissWade。Shelovesyouverymuch。MissWadeisacleverlady，whohasreadheapsofbooks，andcantellyoufarbetterandmoreinterestingstoriesthanIknow。
　　ComeandhearMissWade!’HowcouldIengagetheirattentions，whenmyheartwasburningagainsttheseignorantdesigns？HowcouldIwonder，whenIsawtheirinnocentfacesshrinkingaway，andtheirarmstwiningroundherneck，insteadofmine？Thenshewouldlookupatme，shakingtheircurlsfromherface，andsay，’They’llcomeroundsoon，MissWade；they’reverysimpleandloving，ma’am；
　　don’tbeatallcastdownaboutit，ma’am’——exultingoverme!
　　Therewasanotherthingthewomandid。Attimes，whenshesawthatshehadsafelyplungedmeintoablackdespondentbroodingbythesemeans，shewouldcalltheattentionofthechildrentoit，andwouldshowthemthedifferencebetweenherselfandme。’Hush!
　　PoorMissWadeisnotwell。Don’tmakeanoise，mydears，herheadaches。Comeandcomforther。Comeandaskherifsheisbetter；
　　comeandaskhertoliedown。Ihopeyouhavenothingonyourmind，ma’am。Don’ttakeon，ma’am，andbesorry!’
　　Itbecameintolerable。Herladyship，myMistress，cominginonedaywhenIwasalone，andattheheightoffeelingthatIcouldsupportitnolonger，ItoldherImustgo。IcouldnotbearthepresenceofthatwomanDawes。
　　’MissWade!PoorDawesisdevotedtoyou；woulddoanythingforyou!’
　　Iknewbeforehandshewouldsayso；Iwasquitepreparedforit；I
　　onlyanswered，itwasnotformetocontradictmyMistress；Imustgo。
　　’Ihope，MissWade，’shereturned，instantlyassumingthetoneofsuperiorityshehadalwayssothinlyconcealed，’thatnothingI
　　haveeversaidordonesincewehavebeentogether，hasjustifiedyouruseofthatdisagreeableword，“Mistress。“Itmusthavebeenwhollyinadvertentonmypart。Praytellmewhatitis。’
　　IrepliedthatIhadnocomplainttomake，eitherofmyMistressortomyMistress；butImustgo。
　　Shehesitatedamoment，andthensatdownbesideme，andlaidherhandonmine。Asifthathonourwouldobliterateanyremembrance!
　　’MissWade，Ifearyouareunhappy，throughcausesoverwhichI
　　havenoinfluence。’
　　Ismiled，thinkingoftheexperiencethewordawakened，andsaid，’Ihaveanunhappytemper，Isuppose。’
　　’Ididnotsaythat。’
　　’Itisaneasywayofaccountingforanything，’saidI。
　　’Itmaybe；butIdidnotsayso。WhatIwishtoapproachissomethingverydifferent。MyhusbandandIhaveexchangedsomeremarksuponthesubject，whenwehaveobservedwithpainthatyouhavenotbeeneasywithus。’
　　’Easy？Oh!Youaresuchgreatpeople，mylady，’saidI。
　　’Iamunfortunateinusingawordwhichmayconveyameaning——andevidentlydoes——quiteoppositetomyintention。’Shehadnotexpectedmyreply，anditshamedher。’Ionlymean，nothappywithus。Itisadifficulttopictoenteron；but，fromoneyoungwomantoanother，perhaps——inshort，wehavebeenapprehensivethatyoumayallowsomefamilycircumstancesofwhichnoonecanbemoreinnocentthanyourself，topreyuponyourspirits。Ifso，letusentreatyounottomakethemacauseofgrief。Myhusbandhimself，asiswellknown，formerlyhadaverydearsisterwhowasnotinlawhissister，butwhowasuniversallybelovedandrespected。
　　Isawdirectlythattheyhadtakenmeinforthesakeofthedeadwoman，whoevershewas，andtohavethatboastofmeandadvantageofme；Isaw，inthenurse’sknowledgeofit，anencouragementtogoadmeasshehaddone；andIsaw，inthechildren’sshrinkingaway，avagueimpression，thatIwasnotlikeotherpeople。Ileftthathousethatnight。
　　Afteroneortwoshortandverysimilarexperiences，whicharenottothepresentpurpose，IenteredanotherfamilywhereIhadbutonepupil：agirloffifteen，whowastheonlydaughter。Theparentsherewereelderlypeople：peopleofstation，andrich。A
　　nephewwhomtheyhadbroughtupwasafrequentvisitoratthehouse，amongmanyothervisitors；andhebegantopaymeattention。
　　Iwasresoluteinrepulsinghim；forIhaddeterminedwhenIwentthere，thatnooneshouldpitymeorcondescendtome。Buthewrotemealetter。Itledtoourbeingengagedtobemarried。
　　HewasayearyoungerthanI，andyoung-lookingevenwhenthatallowancewasmade。HewasonabsencefromIndia，wherehehadapostthatwassoontogrowintoaverygoodone。Insixmonthsweweretobemarried，andweretogotoIndia。Iwastostayinthehouse，andwastobemarriedfromthehouse。Nobodyobjectedtoanypartoftheplan。
　　Icannotavoidsayingheadmiredme；but，ifIcould，Iwould。
　　Vanityhasnothingtodowiththedeclaration，forhisadmirationworriedme。Hetooknopainstohideit；andcausedmetofeelamongtherichpeopleasifhehadboughtmeformylooks，andmadeashowofhispurchasetojustifyhimself。Theyappraisedmeintheirownminds，Isaw，andwerecurioustoascertainwhatmyfullvaluewas。Iresolvedthattheyshouldnotknow。Iwasimmovableandsilentbeforethem；andwouldhavesufferedanyoneofthemtokillmesoonerthanIwouldhavelaidmyselfouttobespeaktheirapproval。
　　HetoldmeIdidnotdomyselfjustice。ItoldhimIdid，anditwasbecauseIdidandmeanttodosotothelast，thatIwouldnotstooptopropitiateanyofthem。Hewasconcernedandevenshocked，whenIaddedthatIwishedhewouldnotparadehisattachmentbeforethem；buthesaidhewouldsacrificeeventhehonestimpulsesofhisaffectiontomypeace。
　　Underthatpretencehebegantoretortuponme。Bythehourtogether，hewouldkeepatadistancefromme，talkingtoanyoneratherthantome。Ihavesataloneandunnoticed，halfanevening，whileheconversedwithhisyoungcousin，mypupil。I
　　haveseenallthewhile，inpeople’seyes，thattheythoughtthetwolookedneareronanequalitythanheandI。Ihavesat，diviningtheirthoughts，untilIhavefeltthathisyoungappearancemademeridiculous，andhaveragedagainstmyselfforeverlovinghim。