首页 >出版文学> LITTLE DORRIT>第132章

第132章

  ’Ihavespokenofhimasstillliving,’sheadded,’buthemayhavebeenputoutofthewayforanythingIknow。ForanythingIcare,also。Ihavenofurtheroccasionforhim。’
  Withaheavysighandadespondentair,ArthurClennamslowlyrose。
  Shedidnotrisealso,butsaid,havinglookedathiminthemeanwhilewithafixedlookofsuspicion,andlipsangrilycompressed:
  ’Hewasthechosenassociateofyourdearfriend,MrGowan,washenot?Whydon’tyouaskyourdearfriendtohelpyou?’
  ThedenialthathewasadearfriendrosetoArthur’slips;butherepressedit,rememberinghisoldstrugglesandresolutions,andsaid:
  ’FurtherthanthathehasneverseenBlandoissinceBlandoissetoutforEngland,MrGowanknowsnothingadditionalabouthim。Hewasachanceacquaintance,madeabroad。’
  ’Achanceacquaintancemadeabroad!’sherepeated。’Yes。Yourdearfriendhasneedtodiverthimselfwithalltheacquaintanceshecanmake,seeingwhatawifehehas。Ihatehiswife,sir。’
  Theangerwithwhichshesaidit,themoreremarkableforbeingsomuchunderherrestraint,fixedClennam’sattention,andkepthimonthespot。Itflashedoutofherdarkeyesastheyregardedhim,quiveredinhernostrils,andfiredtheverybreathsheexhaled;
  butherfacewasotherwisecomposedintoadisdainfulserenity;andherattitudewasascalmlyandhaughtilygracefulasifshehadbeeninamoodofcompleteindifference。
  ’AllIwillsayis,MissWade,’heremarked,’thatyoucanhavereceivednoprovocationtoafeelinginwhichIbelieveyouhavenosharer。’
  ’Youmayaskyourdearfriend,ifyouchoose,’shereturned,’forhisopinionuponthatsubject。’
  ’Iamscarcelyonthoseintimatetermswithmydearfriend,’saidArthur,inspiteofhisresolutions,’thatwouldrendermyapproachingthesubjectveryprobable,MissWade。’
  ’Ihatehim,’shereturned。’Worsethanhiswife,becauseIwasoncedupeenough,andfalseenoughtomyself,almosttolovehim。
  Youhaveseenme,sir,onlyoncommon-placeoccasions,whenIdaresayyouhavethoughtmeacommon-placewoman,alittlemoreself-
  willedthanthegenerality。Youdon’tknowwhatImeanbyhating,ifyouknowmenobetterthanthat;youcan’tknow,withoutknowingwithwhatcareIhavestudiedmyselfandpeopleaboutme。ForthisreasonIhaveforsometimeinclinedtotellyouwhatmylifehasbeen——nottopropitiateyouropinion,forIsetnovalueonit;butthatyoumaycomprehend,whenyouthinkofyourdearfriendandhisdearwife,whatImeanbyhating。ShallIgiveyousomethingI
  havewrittenandputbyforyourperusal,orshallIholdmyhand?’
  Arthurbeggedhertogiveittohim。Shewenttothebureau,unlockedit,andtookfromaninnerdrawerafewfoldedsheetsofpaper。Withoutanyconciliationofhim,scarcelyaddressinghim,ratherspeakingasifshewerespeakingtoherownlooking-glassforthejustificationofherownstubbornness,shesaid,asshegavethemtohim:
  ’NowyoumayknowwhatImeanbyhating!Nomoreofthat。Sir,whetheryoufindmetemporarilyandcheaplylodginginanemptyLondonhouse,orinaCalaisapartment,youfindHarrietwithme。
  Youmayliketoseeherbeforeyouleave。Harriet,comein!’ShecalledHarrietagain。ThesecondcallproducedHarriet,onceTattycoram。
  ’HereisMrClennam,’saidMissWade;’notcomeforyou;hehasgivenyouup,——Isupposeyouhave,bythistime?’
  ’Havingnoauthority,orinfluence——yes,’assentedClennam。
  ’Notcomeinsearchofyou,yousee;butstillseekingsomeone。
  HewantsthatBlandoisman。’
  ’WithwhomIsawyouintheStrandinLondon,’hintedArthur。
  ’Ifyouknowanythingofhim,Harriet,exceptthathecamefromVenice——whichweallknow——tellittoMrClennamfreely。’
  ’Iknownothingmoreabouthim,’saidthegirl。
  ’Areyousatisfied?’MissWadeinquiredofArthur。
  Hehadnoreasontodisbelievethem;thegirl’smannerbeingsonaturalastobealmostconvincing,ifhehadhadanypreviousdoubts。Hereplied,’Imustseekforintelligenceelsewhere。’
  Hewasnotgoinginthesamebreath;buthehadrisenbeforethegirlentered,andsheevidentlythoughthewas。Shelookedquicklyathim,andsaid:
  ’Aretheywell,sir?’
  ’Who?’
  Shestoppedherselfinsayingwhatwouldhavebeen’allofthem;’
  glancedatMissWade;andsaid’MrandMrsMeagles。’
  ’Theywere,whenIlastheardofthem。Theyarenotathome。Bytheway,letmeaskyou。Isittruethatyouwereseenthere?’
  ’Where?WheredoesanyonesayIwasseen?’returnedthegirl,sullenlycastingdownhereyes。
  ’Lookinginatthegardengateofthecottage。’
  ’No,’saidMissWade。’Shehasneverbeennearit。’
  ’Youarewrong,then,’saidthegirl。’IwentdowntherethelasttimewewereinLondon。Iwentoneafternoonwhenyouleftmealone。AndIdidlookin。’
  ’Youpoor-spiritedgirl,’returnedMissWadewithinfinitecontempt;’doesallourcompanionship,doallourconversations,doallyouroldcomplainings,tellforsolittleasthat?’
  ’Therewasnoharminlookinginatthegateforaninstant,’saidthegirl。’Isawbythewindowsthatthefamilywerenotthere。’
  ’Whyshouldyougoneartheplace?’
  ’BecauseIwantedtoseeit。BecauseIfeltthatIshouldliketolookatitagain。’
  Aseachofthetwohandsomefaceslookedattheother,Clennamfelthoweachofthetwonaturesmustbeconstantlytearingtheothertopieces。
  ’Oh!’saidMissWade,coldlysubduingandremovingherglance;’ifyouhadanydesiretoseetheplacewhereyouledthelifefromwhichIrescuedyoubecauseyouhadfoundoutwhatitwas,thatisanotherthing。Butisthatyourtruthtome?Isthatyourfidelitytome?IsthatthecommoncauseImakewithyou?YouarenotworththeconfidenceIhaveplacedinyou。YouarenotworththefavourIhaveshownyou。Youarenohigherthanaspaniel,andhadbettergobacktothepeoplewhodidworsethanwhipyou。’
  ’Ifyouspeaksoofthemwithanyoneelsebytohear,you’llprovokemetotaketheirpart,’saidthegirl。
  ’Gobacktothem,’MissWaderetorted。’Gobacktothem。’
  ’Youknowverywell,’retortedHarrietinherturn,’thatIwon’tgobacktothem。YouknowverywellthatIhavethrownthemoff,andnevercan,nevershall,neverwill,gobacktothem。Letthemalone,then,MissWade。’
  ’Youprefertheirplentytoyourlessfatlivinghere,’sherejoined。’Youexaltthem,andslightme。WhatelseshouldIhaveexpected?Ioughttohaveknownit。’
  ’It’snotso,’saidthegirl,flushinghigh,’andyoudon’tsaywhatyoumean。Iknowwhatyoumean。Youarereproachingme,underhanded,withhavingnobodybutyoutolookto。AndbecauseI
  havenobodybutyoutolookto,youthinkyouaretomakemedo,ornotdo,everythingyouplease,andaretoputanyaffrontuponme。
  Youareasbadastheywere,everybit。ButIwillnotbequitetamed,andmadesubmissive。IwillsayagainthatIwenttolookatthehouse,becauseIhadoftenthoughtthatIshouldliketoseeitoncemore。Iwillaskagainhowtheyare,becauseIoncelikedthemandattimesthoughttheywerekindtome。’
  HereuponClennamsaidthathewassuretheywouldstillreceiveherkindly,ifsheshouldeverdesiretoreturn。
  ’Never!’saidthegirlpassionately。’Ishallneverdothat。
  NobodyknowsthatbetterthanMissWade,thoughshetauntsmebecauseshehasmademeherdependent。AndIknowIamso;andI
  knowsheisoverjoyedwhenshecanbringittomymind。’
  ’Agoodpretence!’saidMissWade,withnolessanger,haughtiness,andbitterness;’buttoothreadbaretocoverwhatIplainlyseeinthis。Mypovertywillnotbearcompetitionwiththeirmoney。
  Bettergobackatonce,bettergobackatonce,andhavedonewithit!’
  ArthurClennamlookedatthem,standingalittledistanceasunderinthedullconfinedroom,eachproudlycherishingherownanger;
  each,withafixeddetermination,torturingherownbreast,andtorturingtheother’s。Hesaidawordortwoofleave-taking;butMissWadebarelyinclinedherhead,andHarriet,withtheassumedhumiliationofanabjectdependentandserfbutnotwithoutdefianceforallthat,madeasifsheweretoolowtonoticeortobenoticed。
  Hecamedownthedarkwindingstairsintotheyardwithanincreasedsenseuponhimofthegloomofthewallthatwasdead,andoftheshrubsthatweredead,andofthefountainthatwasdry,andofthestatuethatwasgone。Ponderingmuchonwhathehadseenandheardinthathouse,aswellasonthefailureofallhiseffortstotracethesuspiciouscharacterwhowaslost,hereturnedtoLondonandtoEnglandbythepacketthathadtakenhimover。Onthewayheunfoldedthesheetsofpaper,andreadinthemwhatisreproducedinthenextchapter。
  CHAPTER21
  TheHistoryofaSelf-TormentorIhavethemisfortuneofnotbeingafool。FromaveryearlyageIhavedetectedwhatthoseaboutmethoughttheyhidfromme。IfIcouldhavebeenhabituallyimposedupon,insteadofhabituallydiscerningthetruth,Imighthavelivedassmoothlyasmostfoolsdo。
  Mychildhoodwaspassedwithagrandmother;thatistosay,withaladywhorepresentedthatrelativetome,andwhotookthattitleonherself。Shehadnoclaimtoit,butI——beingtothatextentalittlefool——hadnosuspicionofher。Shehadsomechildrenofherownfamilyinherhouse,andsomechildrenofotherpeople。Allgirls;teninnumber,includingme。Wealllivedtogetherandwereeducatedtogether。
  ImusthavebeenabouttwelveyearsoldwhenIbegantoseehowdeterminedlythosegirlspatronisedme。IwastoldIwasanorphan。Therewasnootherorphanamongus;andIperceivedherewasthefirstdisadvantageofnotbeingafoolthattheyconciliatedmeinaninsolentpity,andinasenseofsuperiority。
  Ididnotsetthisdownasadiscovery,rashly。Itriedthemoften。Icouldhardlymakethemquarrelwithme。WhenIsucceededwithanyofthem,theyweresuretocomeafteranhourortwo,andbeginareconciliation。Itriedthemoverandoveragain,andI