Sheglancedathimangrily。`Nowonderthechildcried,’shesaid,`ifyoushotitwhenshewasthere。Nowondershecried!’
HelookedintoConnie’seyes,laconic,contemptuous,nothidinghisfeelings。AndagainConnieflushed;shefeltshehadbeenmakingascene,themandidnotrespecther。
`Whatisyourname?’shesaidplayfullytothechild。`Won’tyoutellmeyourname?’
Sniffs;thenveryaffectedlyinapipingvoice:`ConnieMellors!’
`ConnieMellors!Well,that’sanicename!AnddidyoucomeoutwithyourDaddy,andheshotapussy?Butitwasabadpussy!’
Thechildlookedather,withbold,darkeyesofscrutiny,sizingherup,andhercondolence。
`IwantedtostopwithmyGran,’saidthelittlegirl。
`Didyou?ButwhereisyourGran?’
Thechildliftedanarm,pointingdownthedrive。`Atth’cottidge。’
`Atthecottage!Andwouldyouliketogobacktoher?’
Sudden,shudderingquiversofreminiscentsobs。`Yes!’
`Comethen,shallItakeyou?ShallItakeyoutoyourGran?ThenyourDaddycandowhathehastodo。’Sheturnedtotheman。`Itisyourlittlegirl,isn’tit?’
Hesaluted,andmadeaslightmovementoftheheadinaffirmation。
`IsupposeIcantakehertothecottage?’askedConnie。
`IfyourLadyshipwishes。’
Againhelookedintohereyes,withthatcalm,searchingdetachedglance。
Amanverymuchalone,andonhisown。
`Wouldyouliketocomewithmetothecottage,toyourGran,dear?’
Thechildpeepedupagain。`Yes!’shesimpered。
Conniedislikedher;thespoilt,falselittlefemale。Neverthelessshewipedherfaceandtookherhand。Thekeepersalutedinsilence。
`Goodmorning!’saidConnie。
Itwasnearlyamiletothecottage,andConnieseniorwaswellredbyConniejuniorbythetimethegame-keeper’spicturesquelittlehomewasinsight。Thechildwasalreadyasfulltothebrimwithtricksasalittlemonkey,andsoself-assured。
Atthecottagethedoorstoodopen,andtherewasarattlingheardinside。
Connielingered,thechildslippedherhand,andranindoors。
`Gran!Gran!’
`Why,areyerbacka’ready!’
Thegrandmotherhadbeenblackleadingthestove,itwasSaturdaymorning。
Shecametothedoorinhersackingapron,ablacklead-brushinherhand,andablacksmudgeonhernose。Shewasalittle,ratherdrywoman。
`Why,whatever?’shesaid,hastilywipingherarmacrossherfaceasshesawConniestandingoutside。
`Goodmorning!’saidConnie。`Shewascrying,soIjustbroughtherhome。’
Thegrandmotherlookedaroundswiftlyatthechild:
`Why,wheerwasyerDad?’
Thelittlegirlclungtohergrandmother’sskirtsandsimpered。
`Hewasthere,’saidConnie,`buthe’dshotapoachingcat,andthechildwasupset。’
`Oh,you’dnorightt’avebothered,LadyChatterley,I’msure!I’msureitwasverygoodofyou,butyoushouldn’t’avebothered。Why,dideveryousee!’——andtheoldwomanturnedtothechild:`FancyLadyChatterleytakin’allthattroubleoveryer!Why,sheshouldn’t’avebothered!’
`Itwasnobother,justawalk,’saidConniesmiling。
`Why,I’msure’twasverykindofyou,Imustsay!Soshewascrying!
Iknewthere’dbesomethingaforetheygotfar。She’sfrightenedof’im,that’swheeritis。Seems’e’salmostastrangerto’er,fairastranger,andIdon’tthinkthey’retwoas’dhititoffveryeasy。He’sgotfunnyways。’
Conniedidn’tknowwhattosay。
`Look,Gran!’simperedthechild。
Theoldwomanlookeddownatthesixpenceinthelittlegirl’shand。
`An’sixpencean’all!Oh,yourLadyship,youshouldn’t,youshouldn’t。
Why,isn’tLadyChatterleygoodtoyer!Myword,you’realuckygirlthismorning!’
Shepronouncedthename,asallthepeopledid:Chat’ley——Isn’tLadyChat’leygoodtoyou!’——Conniecouldn’thelplookingattheoldwoman’snose,andthelatteragainvaguelywipedherfacewiththebackofherwrist,butmissedthesmudge。
Conniewasmovingaway`Well,thankyoueversomuch,LadyChat’ley,I’msure。SaythankyoutoLadyChat’ley!’——thislasttothechild。
`Thankyou,’pipedthechild。
`There’sadear!’laughedConnie,andshemovedaway,saying`Goodmorning’,heartilyrelievedtogetawayfromthecontact。
Curious,shethought,thatthatthin,proudmanshouldhavethatlittle,sharpwomanforamother!
Andtheoldwoman,assoonasConniehadgone,rushedtothebitofmirrorinthescullery,andlookedatherface。Seeingit,shestampedherfootwithimpatience。`Ofcourseshehadtocatchmeinmycoarseapron,andadirtyface!Niceideashe’dgetofme!’
ConniewentslowlyhometoWragby。`Home!’……itwasawarmwordtouseforthatgreat,wearywarren。Butthenitwasawordthathadhaditsday。
Itwassomehowcancelled。Allthegreatwords,itseemedtoConnie,werecancelledforhergeneration:love,joy,happiness,home,mother,father,husband,allthesegreat,dynamicwordswerehalfdeadnow,anddyingfromdaytoday。Homewasaplaceyoulivedin,lovewasathingyoudidn’tfoolyourselfabout,joywasawordyouappliedtoagoodCharleston,happinesswasatermofhypocrisyusedtobluffotherpeople,afatherwasanindividualwhoenjoyedhisownexistence,ahusbandwasamanyoulivedwithandkeptgoinginspirits。Asforsex,thelastofthegreatwords,itwasjustacocktailtermforanexcitementthatbuckedyouupforawhile,thenleftyoumoreraggythanever。Frayed!Itwasasiftheverymaterialyouweremadeofwascheapstuff,andwasfrayingouttonothing。
Allthatreallyremainedwasastubbornstoicism:andinthattherewasacertainpleasure。Intheveryexperienceofthenothingnessoflife,phaseafterphase,é;tapeafteré;tape,therewasacertaingrislysatisfaction。Sothat’sthat!Alwaysthiswasthelastutterance:home,love,marriage,Michaelis:Sothat’sthat!
Andwhenonedied,thelastwordstolifewouldbe:Sothat’sthat!
Money?Perhapsonecouldn’tsaythesamethere。Moneyonealwayswanted。
Money,Success,thebitch-goddess,asTommyDukespersistedincallingit,afterHenryJames,thatwasapermanentnecessity。Youcouldn’tspendyourlastsou,andsayfinally:Sothat’sthat!No,ifyoulivedevenanothertenminutes,youwantedafewmoresousforsomethingorother。
Justtokeepthebusinessmechanicallygoing,youneededmoney。Youhadtohaveit。Moneyyouhavetohave。Youneedn’treallyhaveanythingelse。Sothat’sthat!
Since,ofcourse,it’snotyourownfaultyouarealive。Onceyouarealive,moneyisanecessity,andtheonlyabsolutenecessity。Alltherestyoucangetalongwithout,atapinch。Butnotmoney。Emphatically,that’sthat!
ShethoughtofMichaelis,andthemoneyshemighthavehadwithhim;
andeventhatshedidn’twant。ShepreferredthelesseramountwhichshehelpedCliffordtomakebyhiswriting。Thatsheactuallyhelpedtomake——`CliffordandItogether,wemaketwelvehundredayearoutofwriting’;sosheputittoherself。Makemoney!Makeit!Outofnowhere。Wringitoutofthethinair!Thelastfeattobehumanlyproudof!Therestall-my-eye-Betty-Martin。
SosheploddedhometoClifford,tojoinforceswithhimagain,tomakeanotherstoryoutofnothingness:andastorymeantmoney。Cliffordseemedtocareverymuchwhetherhisstorieswereconsideredfirst-classliteratureornot。Strictly,shedidn’tcare。Nothinginit!saidherfather。Twelvehundredpoundslastyear!wastheretortsimpleandfinal。
Ifyouwereyoung,youjustsetyourteeth,andbitonandheldon,tillthemoneybegantoflowfromtheinvisible;itwasaquestionofpower。
Itwasaquestionofwill;asubtle,subtle,powerfulemanationofwilloutofyourselfbroughtbacktoyouthemysteriousnothingnessofmoneyawordonabitofpaper。Itwasasortofmagic,certainlyitwastriumph。
Thebitch-goddess!Well,ifonehadtoprostituteoneself,letitbetoabitch-goddess!Onecouldalwaysdespiseherevenwhileoneprostitutedoneselftoher,whichwasgood。
Clifford,ofcourse,hadstillmanychildishtaboosandfetishes。Hewantedtobethought`reallygood’,whichwasallcock-a-hoopynonsense。
Whatwasreallygoodwaswhatactuallycaughton。Itwasnogoodbeingreallygoodandgettingleftwithit。Itseemedasifmostofthe`reallygood’menjustmissedthebus。Afterallyouonlylivedonelife,andifyoumissedthebus,youwerejustleftonthepavement,alongwiththerestofthefailures。
ConniewascontemplatingawinterinLondonwithClifford,nextwinter。
Heandshehadcaughtthebusallright,sotheymightaswellrideontopforabit,andshowit。
Theworstofitwas,Cliffordtendedtobecomevague,absent,andtofallintofitsofvacantdepression。Itwasthewoundtohispsychecomingout。ButitmadeConniewanttoscream。OhGod,ifthemechanismoftheconsciousnessitselfwasgoingtogowrong,thenwhatwasonetodo?Hangitall,onedidone’sbit!Wasonetobeletdownabsolutely?
Sometimessheweptbitterly,butevenassheweptshewassayingtoherself:Sillyfool,wettinghankies!Asifthatwouldgetyouanywhere!
SinceMichaelis,shehadmadeuphermindshewantednothing。Thatseemedthesimplestsolutionoftheotherwiseinsoluble。Shewantednothingmorethanwhatshe’dgot;onlyshewantedtogetaheadwithwhatshe’dgot:
Clifford,thestories,Wragby,theLady-Chatterleybusiness,moneyandfame,suchasitwas……shewantedtogoaheadwithitall。Love,sex,allthatsortofstuff,justwater-ices!Lickitupandforgetit。Ifyoudon’thangontoitinyourmind,it’snothing。Sexespecially……nothing!Makeupyourmindtoit,andyou’vesolvedtheproblem。Sexandacocktail:
theybothlastedaboutaslong,hadthesameeffect,andamountedtoaboutthesamething。
Butachild,ababy!Thatwasstilloneofthesensations。Shewouldventureverygingerlyonthatexperiment。Therewasthemantoconsider,anditwascurious,therewasn’tamanintheworldwhosechildrenyouwanted。Mick’schildren!Repulsivethought!Asliefhaveachildtoarabbit!
TommyDukes?hewasverynice,butsomehowyoucouldn’tassociatehimwithababy,anothergeneration。Heendedinhimself。AndoutofalltherestofClifford’sprettywideacquaintance,therewasnotamanwhodidnotrousehercontempt,whenshethoughtofhavingachildbyhim。Therewereseveralwhowouldhavebeenquitepossibleaslover,evenMick。Buttoletthembreedachildonyou!Ugh!Humiliationandabomination。
Sothatwasthat!
Nevertheless,Conniehadthechildatthebackofhermind。Wait!wait!
Shewouldsiftthegenerationsofmenthroughhersieve,andseeifshecouldn’tfindonewhowoulddo——`GoyeintothestreetsandbywaysofJerusalem,andseeifyoucanfindaman。’IthadbeenimpossibletofindamanintheJerusalemoftheprophet,thoughtherewerethousandsofmalehumans。Butaman!C’estuneautrechose!
Shehadanideathathewouldhavetobeaforeigner:notanEnglishman,stilllessanIrishman。Arealforeigner。
Butwait!wait!NextwintershewouldgetCliffordtoLondon;thefollowingwintershewouldgethimabroadtotheSouthofFrance,Italy。Wait!Shewasinnohurryaboutthechild。Thatwasherownprivateaffair,andtheonepointonwhich,inherownqueer,femaleway,shewasserioustothebottomofhersoul。Shewasnotgoingtoriskanychancecomer,notshe!
Onemighttakealoveralmostatanymoment,butamanwhoshouldbegetachildonone……wait!wait!it’saverydifferentmatter——`GoyeintothestreetsandbywaysofJerusalem……’Itwasnotaquestionoflove;
itwasaquestionofaman。Why,onemightevenratherhatehim,personally。Yetifhewastheman,whatwouldone’spersonalhatematter?
Thisbusinessconcernedanotherpartofoneself。
Ithadrainedasusual,andthepathsweretoosoddenforClifford’schair,butConniewouldgoout。Shewentoutaloneeverydaynow,mostlyinthewood,whereshewasreallyalone。Shesawnobodythere。
Thisday,however,Cliffordwantedtosendamessagetothekeeper,andastheboywaslaidupwithinfluenza,somebodyalwaysseemedtohaveinfluenzaatWragby,Conniesaidshewouldcallatthecottage。
Theairwassoftanddead,asifalltheworldwereslowlydying。Greyandclammyandsilent,evenfromtheshufflingofthecollieries,forthepitswereworkingshorttime,andtodaytheywerestoppedaltogether。Theendofallthings!
Inthewoodallwasutterlyinertandmotionless,onlygreatdropsfellfromthebareboughs,withahollowlittlecrash。Fortherest,amongtheoldtreeswasdepthwithindepthofgrey,hopelessinertia,silence,nothingness。
Conniewalkeddimlyon。Fromtheoldwoodcameanancientmelancholy,somehowsoothingtoher,betterthantheharshinsentienceoftheouterworld。Shelikedtheinwardnessoftheremnantofforest,theunspeakingreticenceoftheoldtrees。Theyseemedaverypowerofsilence,andyetavitalpresence。They,too,werewaiting:obstinately,stoicallywaiting,andgivingoffapotencyofsilence。Perhapstheywereonlywaitingfortheend;tobecutdown,clearedaway,theendoftheforest,forthemtheendofallthings。Butperhapstheirstrongandaristocraticsilence,thesilenceofstrongtrees,meantsomethingelse。
Asshecameoutofthewoodonthenorthside,thekeeper’scottage,aratherdark,brownstonecottage,withgablesandahandsomechimney,lookeduninhabited,itwassosilentandalone。Butathreadofsmokerosefromthechimney,andthelittlerailed-ingardeninthefrontofthehousewasdugandkeptverytidy。Thedoorwasshut。
Nowshewashereshefeltalittleshyoftheman,withhiscuriousfar-seeingeyes。Shedidnotlikebringinghimorders,andfeltlikegoingawayagain。Sheknockedsoftly,noonecame。Sheknockedagain,butstillnotloudly。Therewasnoanswer。Shepeepedthroughthewindow,andsawthedarklittleroom,withitsalmostsinisterprivacy,notwantingtobeinvaded。
Shestoodandlistened,anditseemedtohersheheardsoundsfromthebackofthecottage。Havingfailedtomakeherselfheard,hermettlewasroused,shewouldnotbedefeated。
Soshewentroundthesideofthehouse。Atthebackofthecottagethelandrosesteeply,sothebackyardwassunken,andenclosedbyalowstonewall。Sheturnedthecornerofthehouseandstopped。Inthelittleyardtwopacesbeyondher,themanwaswashinghimself,utterlyunaware。