Helaughedatheragain,withmockinghumour。
`Butwhyareyouinabadtemper?’sheasked。`Doyoumeanyouarealwaysinabadtemper?’
`Prettywell,’hesaid,laughing。`Idon’tquitedigestmybile。’
`Butwhatbile?’shesaid。
`Bile!’hesaid。`Don’tyouknowwhatthatis?’Shewassilent,anddisappointed。Hewastakingnonoticeofher。
`I’mgoingawayforawhilenextmonth,’shesaid。
`Youare!Whereto?’
`Venice!WithSirClifford?Forhowlong?’
`Foramonthorso,’shereplied。`Cliffordwon’tgo。’
`He’llstayhere?’heasked。
`Yes!Hehatestotravelasheis。’
`Ay,poordevil!’hesaid,withsympathy。Therewasapause。
`Youwon’tforgetmewhenI’mgone,willyou?’sheasked。Againheliftedhiseyesandlookedfullather。
`Forget?’hesaid。`Youknownobodyforgets。It’snotaquestionofmemory;’
Shewantedtosay:`Whenthen?’butshedidn’t。Instead,shesaidinamutekindofvoice:`ItoldCliffordImighthaveachild。’
Nowhereallylookedather,intenseandsearching。
`Youdid?’hesaidatlast。`Andwhatdidhesay?’
`Oh,hewouldn’tmind。He’dbeglad,really,solongasitseemedtobehis。’Shedarednotlookupathim。
Hewassilentalongtime,thenhegazedagainonherface。
`Nomentionofme,ofcourse?’hesaid。
`No。Nomentionofyou,’shesaid。
`No,he’dhardlyswallowmeasasubstitutebreeder。Thenwhereareyousupposedtobegettingthechild?’
`Imighthavealove-affairinVenice,’shesaid。
`Youmight,’herepliedslowly。`Sothat’swhyyou’regoing?’
`Nottohavethelove-affair,’shesaid,lookingupathim,pleading。
`Justtheappearanceofone,’hesaid。
Therewassilence。Hesatstaringoutthewindow,withafaintgrin,halfmockery,halfbitterness,onhisface。Shehatedhisgrin。
`You’venottakenanyprecautionsagainsthavingachildthen?’heaskedhersuddenly。`BecauseIhaven’t。’
`No,’shesaidfaintly。`Ishouldhatethat。’
Helookedather,thenagainwiththepeculiarsubtlegrinoutofthewindow。Therewasatensesilence。
Atlastheturnedhisheadandsaidsatirically:
`Thatwaswhyyouwantedme,then,togetachild?’
Shehungherhead。
`No。Notreally,’shesaid。`Whatthen,really?’heaskedratherbitingly。
Shelookedupathimreproachfully,saying:`Idon’tknow。’
Hebrokeintoalaugh。
`ThenI’mdamnedifIdo,’hesaid。
Therewasalongpauseofsilence,acoldsilence。
`Well,’hesaidatlast。`It’sasyourLadyshiplikes。Ifyougetthebaby,SirClifford’swelcometoit。Ishan’thavelostanything。Onthecontrary,I’vehadaveryniceexperience,veryniceindeed!’——andhestretchedinahalf-suppressedsortofyawn。`Ifyou’vemadeuseofme,’
hesaid,`it’snotthefirsttimeI’vebeenmadeuseof;andIdon’tsupposeit’severbeenaspleasantasthistime;thoughofcourseonecan’tfeeltremendouslydignifiedaboutit。’——Hestretchedagain,curiously,hismusclesquivering,andhisjawoddlyset。
`ButIdidn’tmakeuseofyou,’shesaid,pleading。
`AtyourLadyship’sservice,’hereplied。
`No,’shesaid。`Ilikedyourbody。’
`Didyou?’hereplied,andhelaughed。`Well,then,we’requits,becauseIlikedyours。’
Helookedatherwithqueerdarkenedeyes。
`Wouldyouliketogoupstairsnow?’heaskedher,inastrangledsortofvoice。
`No,nothere。Notnow!’shesaidheavily,thoughifhehadusedanypoweroverher,shewouldhavegone,forshehadnostrengthagainsthim。
Heturnedhisfaceawayagain,andseemedtoforgether。`Iwanttotouchyoulikeyoutouchme,’shesaid。`I’veneverreallytouchedyourbody。’
Helookedather,andsmiledagain。`Now?’hesaid。`No!No!Nothere!
Atthehut。Wouldyoumind?’
`HowdoItouchyou?’heasked。
`Whenyoufeelme。’
Helookedather,andmetherheavy,anxiouseyes。
`AnddoyoulikeitwhenIfeelyou?’heasked,laughingatherstill。
`Yes,doyou?’shesaid。
`Oh,me!’Thenhechangedhistone。`Yes,’hesaid。`Youknowwithoutasking。’Whichwastrue。
Sheroseandpickedupherhat。`Imustgo,’shesaid。
`Willyougo?’herepliedpolitely。
Shewantedhimtotouchher,tosaysomethingtoher,buthesaidnothing,onlywaitedpolitely。
`Thankyouforthetea,’shesaid。
`Ihaven’tthankedyourLadyshipfordoingmethehonoursofmytea-pot,’
hesaid。
Shewentdownthepath,andhestoodinthedoorway,faintlygrinning。
Flossiecamerunningwithhertaillifted。AndConniehadtoploddumblyacrossintothewood,knowinghewasstandingtherewatchingher,withthatincomprehensiblegrinonhisface。
Shewalkedhomeverymuchdowncastandannoyed。Shedidn’tatalllikehissayinghehadbeenmadeuseofbecause,inasense,itwastrue。Butheoughtn’ttohavesaidit。Therefore,again,shewasdividedbetweentwofeelings:resentmentagainsthim,andadesiretomakeitupwithhim。
Shepassedaveryuneasyandirritatedtea-time,andatoncewentuptoherroom。Butwhenshewasthereitwasnogood;shecouldneithersitnorstand。Shewouldhavetodosomethingaboutit。Shewouldhavetogobacktothehut;ifhewasnotthere,wellandgood。
Sheslippedoutofthesidedoor,andtookherwaydirectandalittlesullen。Whenshecametotheclearingshewasterriblyuneasy。Buttherehewasagain,inhisshirt-sleeves,stooping,lettingthehensoutofthecoops,amongthechicksthatwerenowgrowingalittlegawky,butweremuchmoretrimthanhen-chickens。
Shewentstraightacrosstohim。`YouseeI’vecome!’shesaid。
`Ay,Iseeit!’hesaid,straighteninghisback,andlookingatherwithafaintamusement。
`Doyouletthehensoutnow?’sheasked。
`Yes,they’vesatthemselvestoskinandbone,’hesaid。`An’nowthey’renotallthatanxioustocomeoutan’feed。There’snoselfinasittinghen;she’sallintheeggsorthechicks。’
Thepoormother-hens;suchblinddevotion!eventoeggsnottheirown!
Connielookedatthemincompassion。Ahelplesssilencefellbetweenthemanandthewoman。
`Shallusgoi’th’’ut?’heasked。
`Doyouwantme?’sheasked,inasortofmistrust。
`Ay,ifyouwanttocome。’
Shewassilent。
`Comethen!’hesaid。
Andshewentwithhimtothehut。Itwasquitedarkwhenhehadshutthedoor,sohemadeasmalllightinthelantern,asbefore。
`Haveyouleftyourunderthingsoff?’heaskedher。
`Yes!’
`Ay,well,thenI’lltakemythingsofftoo。’
Hespreadtheblankets,puttingoneatthesideforacoverlet。Shetookoffherhat,andshookherhair。Hesatdown,takingoffhisshoesandgaiters,andundoinghiscordbreeches。
`Liedownthen!’hesaid,whenhestoodinhisshirt。Sheobeyedinsilence,andhelaybesideher,andpulledtheblanketoverthemboth。
`There!’hesaid。
Andheliftedherdressrightback,tillhecameeventoherbreasts。
Hekissedthemsoftly,takingthenipplesinhislipsintinycaresses。
`Eh,buttha’rtnice,tha’rtnice!’hesaid,suddenlyrubbinghisfacewithasnugglingmovementagainstherwarmbelly。
Andsheputherarmsroundhimunderhisshirt,butshewasafraid,afraidofhisthin,smooth,nakedbody,thatseemedsopowerful,afraidoftheviolentmuscles。Sheshrank,afraid。
Andwhenhesaid,withasortoflittlesigh:`Eh,tha’rtnice!’somethinginherquivered,andsomethinginherspiritstiffenedinresistance:stiffenedfromtheterriblyphysicalintimacy,andfromthepeculiarhasteofhispossession。Andthistimethesharpecstasyofherownpassiondidnotovercomeher;shelaywithherendsinertonhisstrivingbody,anddowhatshemight,herspiritseemedtolookonfromthetopofherhead,andthebuttingofhishaunchesseemedridiculoustoher,andthesortofanxietyofhispenistocometoitslittleevacuatingcrisisseemedfarcical。Yes,thiswaslove,thisridiculousbouncingofthebuttocks,andthewiltingofthepoor,insignificant,moistlittlepenis。Thiswasthedivinelove!Afterall,themodernswererightwhentheyfeltcontemptfortheperformance;foritwasaperformance。Itwasquitetrue,assomepoetssaid,thattheGodwhocreatedmanmusthavehadasinistersenseofhumour,creatinghimareasonablebeing,yetforcinghimtotakethisridiculousposture,anddrivinghimwithblindcravingforthisridiculousperformance。EvenaMaupassantfounditahumiliatinganti-climax。Mendespisedtheintercourseact,andyetdidit。
Coldandderisiveherqueerfemalemindstoodapart,andthoughshelayperfectlystill,herimpulsewastoheaveherloins,andthrowthemanout,escapehisuglygrip,andthebuttingover-ridingofhisabsurdhaunches。Hisbodywasafoolish,impudent,imperfectthing,alittledisgustinginitsunfinishedclumsiness。Forsurelyacompleteevolutionwouldeliminatethisperformance,this`function’。
Andyetwhenhehadfinished,soonover,andlayveryverystill,recedingintosilence,andastrangemotionlessdistance,far,fartherthanthehorizonofherawareness,herheartbegantoweep。Shecouldfeelhimebbingaway,ebbingaway,leavinghertherelikeastoneonashore。Hewaswithdrawing,hisspiritwasleavingher。Heknew。
Andinrealgrief,tormentedbyherowndoubleconsciousnessandreaction,shebegantoweep。Hetooknonotice,ordidnotevenknow。Thestormofweepingswelledandshookher,andshookhim。
`Ay!’hesaid。`Itwasnogoodthattime。Youwasn’tthere。’——Soheknew!Hersobsbecameviolent。
`Butwhat’samiss?’hesaid。`It’sonceinawhilethatway。’
`I……Ican’tloveyou,’shesobbed,suddenlyfeelingherheartbreaking。
`Cannater?Well,dunnafret!There’snolawsaysastha’sgotto。Ta’eitforwhatitis。’
Hestilllaywithhishandonherbreast。Butshehaddrawnbothherhandsfromhim。
Hiswordsweresmallcomfort。Shesobbedaloud。
`Nay,nay!’hesaid。`Ta’ethethickwi’th’thin。Thisworabito’
thinforonce。’
Sheweptbitterly,sobbing。`ButIwanttoloveyou,andIcan’t。Itonlyseemshorrid。’
Helaughedalittle,halfbitter,halfamused。
`Itisnahorrid,’hesaid,`evenifthathinksitis。An’thacannama’eithorrid。Dunnafretthysenaboutlovin’me。Tha’ltniverforcethysento`t。There’ssuretobeabadnutinabasketful。Thamunta’eth’roughwi’th’smooth。’
Hetookhishandawayfromherbreast,nottouchingher。Andnowshewasuntouchedshetookanalmostperversesatisfactioninit。Shehatedthedialect:thetheeandthethaandthethysen。
Hecouldgetupifheliked,andstandthere,aboveher,buttoningdownthoseabsurdcorduroybreeches,straightinfrontofher。Afterall,Michaelishadhadthedecencytoturnaway。Thismanwassoassuredinhimselfhedidn’tknowwhataclownotherpeoplefoundhim,ahalf-bredfellow。
Yet,ashewasdrawingaway,torisesilentlyandleaveher,sheclungtohiminterror。
`Don’t!Don’tgo!Don’tleaveme!Don’tbecrosswithme!Holdme!Holdmefast!’shewhisperedinblindfrenzy,notevenknowingwhatshesaid,andclingingtohimwithuncannyforce。Itwasfromherselfshewantedtobesaved,fromherowninwardangerandresistance。Yethowpowerfulwasthatinwardresistancethatpossessedher!
Hetookherinhisarmsagainanddrewhertohim,andsuddenlyshebecamesmallinhisarms,smallandnestling。Itwasgone,theresistancewasgone,andshebegantomeltinamarvellouspeace。Andasshemeltedsmallandwonderfulinhisarms,shebecameinfinitelydesirabletohim,allhisblood-vesselsseemedtoscaldwithintenseyettenderdesire,forher,forhersoftness,forthepenetratingbeautyofherinhisarms,passingintohisblood。Andsoftly,withthatmarvellousswoon-likecaressofhishandinpuresoftdesire,softlyhestrokedthesilkyslopeofherloins,down,downbetweenhersoftwarmbuttocks,comingnearerandnearertotheveryquickofher。Andshefelthimlikeaflameofdesire,yettender,andshefeltherselfmeltingintheflame。Sheletherselfgo。ShefelthispenisrisenagainstherwithsilentamazingforceandassertionandsheletherselfgotohimSheyieldedwithaquiverthatwaslikedeath,shewentallopentohim。Andoh,ifhewerenottendertohernow,howcruel,forshewasallopentohimandhelpless!
Shequiveredagainatthepotentinexorableentryinsideher,sostrangeandterrible。Itmightcomewiththethrustofaswordinhersoftly-openedbody,andthatwouldbedeath。Sheclunginasuddenanguishofterror。
Butitcamewithastrangeslowthrustofpeace,thedarkthrustofpeaceandaponderous,primordialtenderness,suchasmadetheworldinthebeginning。
Andherterrorsubsidedinherbreast,herbreastdaredtobegoneinpeace,sheheldnothing。Shedaredtoletgoeverything,allherselfandbegoneintheflood。