首页 >出版文学> Lord Jim>第21章

第21章

  “Andgetotherstoseeit,too,“Iinsinuated,withaglanceatthebowedbackbyhisside。Chestersnortedatme。“Hiseyesarerightenough——don’tyouworry。Heain’tapuppy。““Oh,dear,no!“Isaid。“Comealong,CaptainRobinson,“heshouted,withasortofbullyingdeferenceundertherimoftheoldman’shat;theHolyTerrorgaveasubmissivelittlejump。Theghostofasteamerwaswaitingforthem,Fortuneonthatfairisle!TheymadeacuriouspairofArgonauts。Chesterstrodeonleisurely,wellsetup,portly,andofconqueringmien;theother,long,wasted,drooping,andhookedtohisarm,shuffledhiswitheredshankswithdesperatehaste。’
  notstartinsearchofJimatonce,onlybecauseIhadreallyanappointmentwhichIcouldnotneglect。Then,asill-luckwouldhaveit,inmyagent’sofficeIwasfasteneduponbyafellowfreshfromMadagascarwithalittleschemeforawonderfulpieceofbusiness。
  IthadsomethingtodowithcattleandcartridgesandaPrinceRavonalosomething;butthepivotofthewholeaffairwasthestupidityofsomeadmiral——AdmiralPierre,Ithink。Everythingturnedonthat,andthechapcouldn’tfindwordsstrongenoughtoexpresshisconfidence。Hehadglobulareyesstartingoutofhisheadwithafishyglitter,bumpsonhisforehead,andworehislonghairbrushedbackwithoutaparting。Hehadafavouritephrasewhichhekeptonrepeatingtriumphantly:“Theminimumofriskwiththemaximumofprofitismymotto。What?“Hemademyheadache,spoiledmytiffin,butgothisownoutofmeallright;andassoonasIhadshakenhimoff,Imadestraightforthewaterside。IcaughtsightofJimleaningovertheparapetofthequay。Threenativeboatmenquarrellingoverfiveannasweremakinganawfulrowathiselbow。Hedidn’thearmecomeup,butspunroundasiftheslightcontactofmyfingerhadreleasedacatch。
  “Iwaslooking,“hestammered。Idon’trememberwhatIsaid,notmuchanyhow,buthemadenodifficultyinfollowingmetothehotel。
  `Hefollowedmeasmanageableasalittlechild,withanobedientair,withnosortofmanifestation,ratherasthoughhehadbeenwaitingformetheretocomealongandcarryhimoff。IneednothavebeensosurprisedasIwasathistractability。Onalltheroundearth,whichtosomeseemssobigandthatothersaffecttoconsiderasrathersmallerthanamustard-seed,hehadnoplacewherehecould——whatshallIsay?——wherehecouldwithdraw。
  That’sit!Withdraw——bealonewithhisloneliness。Hewalkedbymysideverycalm,glancinghereandthere,andonceturnedhisheadtolookafteraSidiboyfiremaninacutawaycoatandyellowishtrousers,whoseblackfacehadsilkygleamslikealumpofanthracitecoal。Idoubt,however,whetherhesawanything,orevenremainedallthetimeawareofmycompanionship,becauseifIhadnotedgedhimtothelefthere,orpulledhimtotherightthere,Ibelievehewouldhavegonestraightbeforehiminanydirectiontillstoppedbyawallorsomeotherobstacle。Isteeredhimintomybedroom,andsatdownatoncetowriteletters。Thiswastheonlyplaceintheworldunless,perhaps,theWalpoleReef——butthatwasnotsohandywherehecouldhaveitoutwithhimselfwithoutbeingbotheredbytherestoftheuniverse。Thedamnedthing——ashehadexpressedit——hadnotmadehiminvisible,butIbehavedexactlyasthoughhewere。NosoonerinmychairIbentovermywriting-desklikeamedievalscribe,and,butforthemovementofthehandholdingthepen,remainedanxiouslyquiet。Ican’tsayIwasfrightened;
  butIcertainlykeptasstillasiftherehadbeensomethingdangerousintheroom,thatatthefirsthintofamovementonmypartwouldbeprovokedtopounceuponme。Therewasnotmuchintheroom——youknowhowthesebedroomsare——asortoffour-posterbedsteadunderamosquito-net,twoorthreechairs,thetableIwaswritingat,abarefloor。Aglassdooropenedonanupstairsveranda,andhestoodwithhisfacetoit,havingahardtimewithallpossibleprivacy。Duskfell;Ilitacandlewiththegreatesteconomyofmovementandasmuchprudenceasthoughitwereanillegalproceeding。
  Thereisnodoubtthathehadaveryhardtimeofit,andsohadI,eventothepoint,Imustown,ofwishinghimtothedevil,oronWalpoleReefatleast。Itoccurredtomeonceortwicethat,afterall,Chesterwas,perhaps,themantodealeffectivelywithsuchadisaster。Thatstrangeidealisthadfoundapracticaluseforitatonce——unerringly,asitwere。
  Itwasenoughtomakeonesuspectthat,maybe,hereallycouldseethetrueaspectofthingsthatappearedmysteriousorutterlyhopelesstolessimaginativepersons。Iwroteandwrote;Iliquidatedallthearrearsofmycorrespondence,andthenwentonwritingtopeoplewhohadnoreasonwhatevertoexpectfrommeagossipyletteraboutnothingatall。AttimesIstoleasidelongglance。Hewasrootedtothespot,butconvulsiveshuddersrandownhisback;hisshoulderswouldheavesuddenly。Hewasfighting,hewasfighting——mostlyforhisbreath,asitseemed。Themassiveshadows,castallonewayfromthestraightflameofthecandle,seemedpossessedofgloomyconsciousness;theimmobilityofthefurniturehadtomyfurtiveeyeanairofattention。Iwasbecomingfancifulinthemidstofmyindustriousscribbling;andthough,whenthescratchingofmypenstoppedforamoment,therewascompletesilenceandstillnessintheroom,Isufferedfromthatprofounddisturbanceandconfusionofthoughtwhichiscausedbyaviolentandmenacinguproar——ofaheavygaleatsea,forinstance。SomeofyoumayknowwhatImean——thatmingledanxiety,distress,andirritationwithasortofcravenfeelingcreepingin——notpleasanttoacknowledge,butwhichgivesaquietspecialmerittoone’sendurance。Idon’tclaimanymeritforstandingthestressofJim’semotions;Icouldtakerefugeintheletters;Icouldhavewrittentostrangersifnecessary。Suddenly,asIwastakingupafreshsheetofnotepaper,Iheardalowsound,thefirstsoundthat,sincewehadbeenshutuptogether,hadcometomyearsinthedimstillnessoftheroom。Iremainedwithmyheaddown,withmyhandarrested。Thosewhohavekeptvigilbyasick-bedhaveheardsuchfaintsoundsinthestillnessofthenightwatches,soundswrungfromarackedbody,fromawearysoul。Hepushedtheglassdoorwithsuchforcethatallthepanesrang:hesteppedout,andIheldmybreath,strainingmyearswithoutknowingwhatelseIexpectedtohear。HewasreallytakingtoomuchtoheartanemptyformalitywhichtoChester’srigorouscriticismseemedunworthythenoticeofamanwhocouldseethingsastheywere。
  Anemptyformality;apieceofparchment。Well,well。Astotheinaccessibleguanodeposit,thatwasanotherstoryaltogether。Onecouldintelligiblybreakone’sheartoverthat。Afeebleburstofmanyvoicesmingledwiththetinkleofsilverandglassfloatedupfromthedining-roombelow;throughtheopendoortheouteredgeofthelightfrommycandlefellonhisbackfaintly;beyondallwasblack;hestoodonthebrinkofavastobscurity,likealonelyfigurebytheshoreofasombreandhopelessocean。TherewastheWalpoleReefinit——tobesure——aspeckinthedarkvoid,astrawforthedrowningman。MycompassionforhimtooktheshapeofthethoughtthatIwouldn’thavelikedhispeopletoseehimatthatmoment。Ifoundittryingmyself。Hisbackwasnolongershakenbyhisgasps;hestoodstraightasanarrow,faintlyvisibleandstill;andthemeaningofthisstillnesssanktothebottomofmysoullikeleadintothewater,andmadeitsoheavythatforasecondIwishedheartilythattheonlycourseleftopenformeweretopayforhisfuneral。Eventhelawhaddonewithhim。
  Toburyhimwouldhavebeensuchaneasykindness!Itwouldhavebeensomuchinaccordancewiththewisdomoflife,whichconsistsinputtingoutofsightalltheremindersofourfolly,ofourweakness,ofourmortality;
  allthatmakesagainstourefficiency——thememoryofourfailures,thehintsofourundyingfears,thebodiesofourdeadfriends。Perhapshedidtakeittoomuchtoheart。Andifsothen——Chester’soffer……AtthispointItookupafreshsheetandbegantowriteresolutely。Therewasnothingbutmyselfbetweenhimandthedarkocean。Ihadasenseofresponsibility。IfIspoke,wouldthatmotionlessandsufferingyouthleapintotheobscurity——clutchatthestraw?Ifoundouthowdifficultitmaybesometimestomakeasound。Thereisaweirdpowerinaspokenword。
  Andwhythedevilnot?IwasaskingmyselfpersistentlywhileIdroveonwithmywriting。Allatonce,ontheblankpage,undertheverypointofthepen,thetwofiguresofChesterandhisantiquepartner,verydistinctandcomplete,woulddodgeintoviewwithstrideandgestures,asifreproducedinthefieldofsomeopticaltoy。Iwouldwatchthemforawhile。No!Theyweretoophantasmalandextravaganttoenterintoanyone’sfate。Andawordcarriesfar——veryfar——dealsdestructionthroughtimeasthebulletsgoflyingthroughspace。Isaidnothing;andhe,outtherewithhisbacktothelight,asifboundandgaggedbyalltheinvisiblefoesofman,madenostirandmadenosound。’
  LordJim:Chapter16CHAPTERXVI`THEtimewascomingwhenIshouldseehimloved,trusted,admired,withalegendofstrengthandprowessformingroundhisnameasthoughhehadbeenthestuffofahero。It’strue——Iassureyou;
  astrueasI’msittingheretalkingabouthiminvain。He,onhisside,hadthatfacultyofbeholdingatahintthefaceofhisdesireandtheshapeofhisdream,withoutwhichtheearthwouldknownoloverandnoadventurer。HecapturedmuchhonourandanArcadianhappinessIwon’tsayanythingaboutinnocenceinthebush,anditwasasgoodtohimasthehonourandtheArcadianhappinessofthestreetstoanotherman。Felicity,felicity——howshallIsayit?——isquaffedoutofagoldencupineverylatitude:theflavouriswithyou——withyoualone,andyoucanmakeitasintoxicatingasyouplease。Hewasofthesortthatwoulddrinkdeep,asyoumayguessfromwhatwentbefore。Ifoundhim,ifnotexactlyintoxicated,thenatleastflushedwiththeelixirathislips。Hehadnotobtaineditatonce。Therehadbeen,asyouknow,aperiodofprobationamongstinfernalship-chandlers,duringwhichhehadsufferedandIhadworriedabout——about——mytrust——youmaycallit。Idon’tknowthatIamcompletelyreassurednow,afterbeholdinghiminallhisbrilliance。Thatwasmylastviewofhim——inastronglight,dominating,andyetincompleteaccordwithhissurroundings——withthelifeoftheforestsandwiththelifeofmen。IownthatIwasimpressed,butImustadmittomyselfthatafterallthisisnotthelastingimpression。Hewasprotectedbyhisisolation,aloneofhisownsuperiorkind,inclosetouchwithNature,thatkeepsfaithonsucheasytermswithherlovers。ButIcannotfixbeforemyeyetheimageofhissafety。Ishallalwaysrememberhimasseenthroughtheopendoorofmyroom,taking,perhaps,toomuchtoheartthemereconsequencesofhisfailure。Iampleased,ofcourse,thatsomegood——andevensomesplendour——cameoutofmyendeavours;butattimesitseemstomeitwouldhavebeenbetterformypeaceofmindifIhadnotstoodbetweenhimandChester’sconfoundedlygenerousoffer。IwonderwhathisexuberantimaginationwouldhavemadeofWalpoleislet——thatmosthopelesslyforsakencrumbofdrylandonthefaceofthewaters。ItisnotlikelyIwouldeverhaveheard,forImusttellyouthatChester,aftercallingatsomeAustralianporttopatchuphisbrig-riggedsea-anachronism,steamedoutintothePacificwithacrewoftwenty-twohandsalltold,andtheonlynewshavingapossiblebearinguponthemysteryofhisfatewasthenewsofahurricanewhichissupposedtohavesweptinitscourseovertheWalpoleshoals,amonthorsoafterwards。NotavestigeoftheArgonautseverturnedup;
  notasoundcameoutofthewaste。Finis!ThePacificisthemostdiscreetoflive,hot-temperedoceans:thechillyAntarcticcankeepasecret,too,butmoreinthemannerofagrave。
  `Andthereisasenseofblessedfinalityinsuchdiscretion,whichiswhatweallmoreorlesssincerelyarereadytoadmit——forwhatelseisitthatmakestheideaofdeathsupportable?End!Finis!thepotentwordthatexorcisesfromthehouseoflifethehauntingshadowoffate。
  Thisiswhat——notwithstandingthetestimonyofmyeyesandhisownearnestassurances——ImisswhenIlookbackuponJim’ssuccess。Whilethere’slifethereishope,truly;butthereisfear,too。Idon’tmeantosaythatIregretmyaction,norwillIpretendthatIcan’tsleepo’nightsinconsequence;stilltheideaobtrudesitselfthathemadesomuchofhisdisgracewhileitistheguiltalonethatmatters。Hewasnot——ifImaysayso——cleartome。Hewasnotclear。Andthereisasuspicionhewasnotcleartohimselfeither。Therewerehisfinesensibilities,hisfinefeelings,hisfinelongings——asortofsublimated,idealizedselfishness。
  Hewas——ifyouallowmetosayso——veryfine;veryfine——andveryunfortunate。
  Alittlecoarsernaturewouldnothavebornethestrain;itwouldhavehadtocometotermswithitself——withasigh,withagrunt,orevenwithaguffaw;astillcoarseronewouldhaveremainedinvulnerablyignorantandcompletelyuninteresting。
  `Buthewastoointerestingortoounfortunatetobethrowntothedogs,oreventoChester。IfeltthiswhileIsatwithmyfaceoverthepaperandhefoughtandgasped,strugglingforhisbreathinthatterriblystealthyway,inmyroom;Ifeltitwhenherushedoutontheverandaasiftoflinghimselfover——anddidn’t;Ifeltitmoreandmoreallthetimeheremainedoutside,faintlylightedonthebackgroundofnight,asifstandingontheshoreofasombreandhopelesssea。