……Yes；Ihadaglimpseofhimthen……anditwasnotthelastofthatkind……“Youdon’tknowwhatitisforafellowinmypositiontobebelieved——makeacleanbreastofittoanelderman。Itissodifficult——soawfullyunfair——sohardtounderstand。“`Themistswereclosingagain。Idon’tknowhowoldIappearedtohim——andhowmuchwise。NothalfasoldasIfeltjustthen；nothalfasuselesslywiseasIknewmyselftobe。Surelyinnoothercraftasinthatoftheseadotheheartsofthosealreadylaunchedtosinkorswimgooutsomuchtotheyouthonthebrink，lookingwithshiningeyesuponthatglitterofthevastsurfacewhichisonlyareflectionofhisownglancesfulloffire。Thereissuchmagnificentvaguenessintheexpectationsthathaddriveneachofustosea，suchagloriousindefiniteness，suchabeautifulgreedofadventuresthataretheirownandonlyreward!Whatweget——well，wewon’ttalkofthat；butcanoneofusrestrainasmile？Innootherkindoflifeistheillusionmorewideofreality——innootheristhebeginningallillusion——thedisenchantmentmoreswift——thesubjugationmorecomplete。Hadn’tweallcommencedwiththesamedesire，endedwiththesameknowledge，carriedthememoryofthesamecherishedglamourthroughthesordiddaysofimprecation？Whatwonderthatwhensomeheavyprodgetshomethebondisfoundtobeclose；thatbesidesthefellowshipofthecraftthereisfeltthestrengthofawiderfeeling——thefeelingthatbindsamantoachild？Hewastherebeforeme，believingthatageandwisdomcanfindaremedyagainstthepainoftruth，givingmeaglimpseofhimselfasayoungfellowinascrapethatistheverydevilofascrape，thesortofscrapegreybeardswagatsolemnlywhiletheyhideasmile。Andhehadbeendeliberatingupondeath——confoundhim!Hehadfoundthattomeditateaboutbecausehethoughthehadsavedhislife，whileallitsglamourhadgonewiththeshipinthenight。Whatmorenatural!Itwastragicenoughandfunnyenoughinallconsciencetocallaloudforcompassion，andinwhatwasIbetterthantherestofustorefusehimmypity？AndevenasIlookedathimthemistsrolledintotherent，andhisvoicespoke：
　　“`Iwassolost，youknow。Itwasthesortofthingonedoesnotexpecttohappentoone。Itwasnotlikeafight，forinstance。“
　　“`Itwasnot，“Iadmitted。Heappearedchanged，asifhehadsuddenlymatured。
　　“`Onecouldn’tbesure，“hemuttered。
　　“`Ah!Youwerenotsure，“Isaid，andwasplacatedbythesoundofafaintsighthatpassedbetweenusliketheflightofabirdinthenight。
　　“`Well，Iwasn’t，“hesaidcourageously。“Itwassomethinglikethatwretchedstorytheymadeup。Itwasnotalie——butitwasn’ttruthallthesame。Itwassomething……Oneknowsadownrightlie。Therewasnotthethicknessofasheetofpaperbetweentherightandwrongofthisaffair。“
　　“`Howmuchmoredidyouwant？“Iasked；butIthinkIspokesolowthathedidnotcatchwhatIsaid。Hehadadvancedhisargumentasthoughlifehadbeenanetworkofpathsseparatedbychasms。Hisvoicesoundedreasonable。
　　“`SupposeIhadnot——Imeantosay，supposeIhadstucktotheship？
　　Well。Howmuchlonger？Sayaminute——halfaminute。Come。Inthirtyseconds，asitseemedcertainthen，Iwouldhavebeenoverboard；anddoyouthinkIwouldnothavelaidholdofthefirstthingthatcameinmyway——oar，life-buoy，grating——anything？Wouldn’tyou？“
　　“`Andbesaved，“Iinterjected。
　　“`Iwouldhavemeanttobe，“heretorted。“Andthat’smorethanImeantwhenI“……heshiveredasifabouttoswallowsomenauseousdrug……“jumped，“hepronouncedwithaconvulsiveeffort，whosestress，asifpropagatedbythewavesoftheair，mademybodystiralittleinthechair。
　　Hefixedmewithloweringeyes。“Don’tyoubelieveme？“hecried。“Iswear!……Confoundit!Yougotmeheretotalk，and……Youmust!……Yousaidyouwouldbelieve。““OfcourseIdo，“Iprotestedinamatter-of-facttonewhichproducedacalmingeffect。“Forgiveme，“hesaid。“OfcourseIwouldn’thavetalkedtoyouaboutallthisifyouhadnotbeenagentleman。
　　Ioughttohaveknown……Iam——Iam——agentleman，too……““Yes，yes，“
　　Isaid，hastily。Hewaslookingmesquarelyinthefaceandwithdrewhisgazeslowly。“NowyouunderstandwhyIdidn’tafterall……didn’tgooutinthatway。Iwasn’tgoingtobefrightenedatwhatIhaddone。And，anyhow，ifIhadstucktotheshipIwouldhavedonemybesttobesaved。
　　Menhavebeenknowntofloatforhours——intheopensea——andbepickedupnotmuchtheworseforit。Imighthavelasteditoutbetterthanmanyothers。There’snothingthematterwithmyheart。“Hewithdrewhisrightfirstfromhispocket，andtheblowhestuckonhischestresoundedlikeamuffleddetonationinthemight。
　　“`No，“Isaid。Hemeditated，withhislegsslightlyapartandhischinsunk。“Ahair’sbreadth，“hemuttered。“Notthebreadthofahairbetweenthisandthat。Andatthetime……“
　　“`Itisdifficulttoseeahairatmidnight，“Iputin，alittleviciouslyIfear。Don’tyouseewhatImeanbythesolidarityofthecraft？Iwasaggrievedagainsthim，asthoughhehadcheatedme——me!——ofasplendidopportunitytokeepuptheillusionofmybeginnings，asthoughhehadrobbedourcommonlifeofthelastsparkofitsglamour。“Andsoyouclearedout——atonce。“
　　“`Jumped，“hecorrectedmeincisively。“Jumped——mind!“herepeated，andIwonderedattheevidentbutobscureintention。“Well，yes!PerhapsIcouldnotseethen。ButIhadplentyoftimeandanyamountoflightinthatboat。AndIcouldthink，too。Nobodywouldknow，ofcourse，butthisdidnotmakeitanyeasierforme。You’vegottobelievethat，too。
　　Ididnotwantallthistalk……No……Yes……Iwon’tlie……Iwantedit：itistheverythingIwanted——there。DoyouthinkyouoranybodycouldhavemademeifI……Iam——Iamnotafraidtotell。AndIwasn’tafraidtothinkeither。Ilookeditintheface。Iwasn’tgoingtorunaway。Atfirst——atnight，ifithadn’tbeenforthesefellowsI
　　mighthave……No!byheavens!Iwasnotgoingtogivethemthatsatisfaction。
　　Theyhaddoneenough。Theymadeupastory，andbelieveditforallIknow。
　　ButIknewthetruth，andIwouldliveitdown——alone，withmyself。Iwasn’tgoingtogiveintosuchabeastlyunfairthing。Whatdiditproveafterall？Iwasconfoundedlycutup。Sickoflife——totellyouthetruth；butwhatwouldhavebeenthegoodtoshirkit——in——in——thatway？Thatwasnottheway。Ibelieve——Ibelieveitwouldhave——itwouldhaveended——nothing。“
　　`Hehadbeenwalkingupanddown，butwiththelastwordheturnedshortatme。
　　“`Whatdoyoubelieve？“heaskedwithviolence。Apauseensued，andsuddenlyIfeltmyselfovercomebyaprofoundandhopelessfatigue，asthoughhisvoicehadstartledmeoutofadreamofwanderingthroughemptyspaceswhoseimmensityhadharassedmysoulandexhaustedmybody。
　　“`……Wouldhaveendednothing，“hemutteredovermeobstinately，afteralittlewhile。“No!theproperthingwastofaceitout——aloneformyself——waitforanotherchance——findout……“’
　　LordJim：Chapter12CHAPTERXII`ALLaroundeverythingwasstillasfarastheearcouldreach。Themistofhisfeelingsshiftedbetweenus，asifdisturbedbyhisstruggles，andintheriftsoftheimmaterialveilhewouldappeartomystaringeyesdistinctofformandpregnantwithappeallikeasymbolicfigureinapicture。Thechillairofthenightseemedtolieonmylimbsasheavyasaslabofmarble。
　　“`Isee，“Imurmured，moretoprovetomyselfthatIcouldbreakmystateofnumbnessthanforanyotherreason。
　　“`TheAvondalepickedusupjustbeforesunset，“heremarked，moodily。“Steamedrightstraightforus。Wehadonlytositandwait。“
　　`Afteralonginterval，hesaid，“Theytoldtheirstory。“Andagaintherewasthatoppressivesilence。“ThenonlyIknewwhatitwasImadeupmymindto，“headded。
　　“`Yousaidnothing，“Iwhispered。
　　“`WhatcouldIsay？“heasked，inthesamelowtone……“Shockslight。
　　Stoppedtheship。Ascertainedthedamage。Tookmeasurestogettheboatsoutwithoutcreatingapanic。Asthefirstboatwasloweredshipwentdowninasquall。Sanklikelead……Whatcouldbemoreclear“……hehunghishead……“andmoreawful？“Hislipsquiveredwhilehelookedstraightintomyeyes。“Ihadjumped——hadn’tI？“heaskeddismayed。“That’swhatIhadtolivedown。Thestorydidn’tmatter。“……Heclaspedhishandsforaninstant，glancedrightandleftintothegloom：“Itwaslikecheatingthedead，“hestammered。
　　“`Andtherewerenodead，“Isaid。
　　`Hewentawayfrommeatthis。ThatistheonlywayIcandescribeit。
　　InamomentIsawhisbackclosetothebalustrade。Hestoodthereforsometime，asifadmiringthepurityandthepeaceofthenight。Somefloweringshrubinthegardenbelowspreaditspowerfulscentthroughthedampair。
　　Hereturnedtomewithhastysteps。
　　“`Andthatdidnotmatter，“hesaid，asstubbornlyasyouplease。
　　“`Perhapsnot，“Iadmitted。Ibegantohaveanotionhewastoomuchforme。Afterall，whatdidIknow？
　　“`Deadornotdead，Icouldnotgetclear，“hesaid。“Ihadtolive；
　　hadn’tI？“
　　“`Well，yes——ifyoutakeitinthatway，“Imumbled。
　　“`Iwasglad，ofcourse，“hethrewoutcarelesslywithhismindfixedonsomethingelse。“Theexposure，“hepronounced，slowly，andliftedhishead。“DoyouknowwhatwasmyfirstthoughtwhenIheard？Iwasrelieved。
　　Iwasrelievedtolearnthatthoseshouts——didItellyouIheardshouts？
　　No？Well，Idid。Shoutsforhelp……blownalongwiththedrizzle。ImaginationIsuppose。AndyetIcanhardly……Howstupid……Theothersdidnot。Iaskedthemafterwards。TheyallsaidNo。No？AndIwashearingthemeventhen!Imighthaveknown——butIdidn’tthink——Ionlylistened。Veryfaintscreams——dayafterday。Thenthatlittlehalf-castechapherecameupandspoketome。`ThePatna……Frenchgunboat……towedsuccessfullytoAden……Investigation……MarineOffice……Sailors’
　　Home……arrangementsmadeforyourboardandlodging。’Iwalkedalongwithhim，andIenjoyedthesilence。Sotherehadbeennoshouting。Imagination。
　　Ihadtobelievehim。Icouldhearnothinganymore。IwonderhowlongIcouldhavestoodit。Itwasgettingworse，too……Imean——louder。“
　　`Hefellintothought。
　　“`AndIhadheardnothing!Well——sobeit。Butthelights!Thelightsdidgo!Wedidnotseethem。Theywerenotthere。Iftheyhadbeen，Iwouldhaveswamback——Iwouldhavegonebackandshoutedalongside——Iwouldhavebeggedthemtotakemeonboard……Iwouldhavehadmychance……Youdoubtme？……HowdoyouknowhowIfelt？……Whatrighthaveyoutodoubt？……Iverynearlydiditasitwas——doyouunderstand？“
　　Hisvoicefell。“Therewasnotaglimmer——notaglimmer，“heprotested，mournfully。“Don’tyouunderstandthatiftherehadbeen，youwouldnothaveseenmehere？Youseeme——andyoudoubt。“
　　`Ishookmyheadnegatively。Thisquestionofthelightsbeinglostsightofwhentheboatcouldnothavebeenmorethanaquarterofamilefromtheshipwasamatterformuchdiscussion。Jimstucktoitthattherewasnothingtobeseenafterthefirstshowerhadclearedaway；andtheothershadaffirmedthesamethingtotheofficersoftheAvondale。
　　Ofcoursepeopleshooktheirheadsandsmiled。Oneoldskipperwhosatnearmeincourttickledmyearwithhiswhitebeardtomurmur，“Ofcoursetheywouldlie。“Asamatteroffactnobodylied；noteventhechiefengineerwithhisstoryofthemastheadlightdroppinglikeamatchyouthrowdown。
　　Notconsciously，atleast。Amanwithhisliverinsuchastatemightverywellhaveseenafloatingsparkinthecornerofhiseyewhenstealingahurriedglanceoverhisshoulder。Theyhadseennolightofanysortthoughtheywerewellwithinrange，andtheycouldonlyexplainthisinoneway：theshiphadgonedown。Itwasobviousandcomforting。Theforeseenfactcomingsoswiftlyhadjustifiedtheirhaste。Nowondertheydidnotcastaboutforanyotherexplanation。Yetthetrueonewasverysimple，andassoonasBrierlysuggesteditthecourtceasedtobotheraboutthequestion。Ifyouremember，theshiphadbeenstoppedandwaslyingwithherheadonthecoursesteeredthroughthenight，withhersterncantedhighandherbowsbroughtlowdowninthewaterthroughthefillingofthefore-compartment。Beingthusoutoftrim，whenthesquallstruckheralittleonthequarter，sheswungheadtowindassharplyasthoughshehadbeenatanchor。Bythischangeinherpositionallherlightswereinaveryfewmomentsshutofffromtheboattoleeward。Itmayverywellbethat，hadtheybeenseen，theywouldhavehadtheeffectofamuteappeal——thattheirglimmerlostinthedarknessofthecloudwouldhavehadthemysteriouspowerofthehumanglancethatcanawakenthefeelingsofremorseandpity。