IX
Shewasawakenedbythescreamofanengine,andlookedaroundheramazed。Herneckhadfallensidewayswhilesheslept,andfelthorridlystiff;herheadached,andshewasshivering。Shesawbytheclockthatitwaspastfive。’IfonlyIcouldgetsometea!’shethought。’AnywayIwon’tstayhereanylonger!’Whenshehadwashed,andrubbedsomeofthestiffnessoutofherneck,thetearenewedhersenseofadventurewonderfully。Hertraindidnotstartforanhour;shehadtimeforawalk,towarmherself,andwentdowntotheriver。Therewasanearlyhaze,andalllookedalittlemysterious;butpeoplewerealreadypassingontheirwaytowork。
Shewalkedalong,lookingatthewaterflowingupunderthebrightmisttowhichthegullsgaveasortofhoveringlife。ShewentasfarasBlackfriarsBridge,andturningback,satdownonabenchunderaplane—tree,justasthesunbrokethrough。Alittlepastywomanwithapinchedyellowishfacewasalreadysittingthere,sostill,andseemingtoseesolittle,thatNoelwonderedofwhatshecouldbethinking。Whileshewatched,thewoman’sfacebeganpuckering,andtearsrolledslowly,down,tricklingfrompuckertopucker,till,summoninguphercourage,Noelsidlednearer,andsaid:
"Oh!What’sthematter?"
Thetearsseemedtostopfromsheersurprise;littlegreyeyesgazedround,patientlittleeyesfromaboveanalmostbridgelessnose。
"I’adababy。It’sdead……itsfather’sdeadinFrance……Iwasgoin’inthewater,butIdidn’tlikethelookofit,andnowIneverwill。"
That"NowIneverwill,"movedNoelterribly。Sheslidherarmalongthebackofthebenchandclaspedtheskinniestofshoulders。
"Don’tcry!"
"Itwasmyfirst。I’mthirty—eight。I’llnever’aveanother。Oh!
Whydidn’tIgointhewater?"
Thefacepuckeredagain,andthesqueezed—outtearsrandown。’Ofcourseshemustcry,’thoughtNoel;’cryandcrytillitfeelsbetter。’Andshestrokedtheshoulderofthelittlewoman,whoseemotionwasdisengagingthescentofoldclothes。
"ThefatherofmybabywaskilledinFrance,too,"shesaidatlast。
Thelittlesadgreyeyeslookedcuriouslyround。
"Was’e?’Aveyougotyourbabystill?"
"Yes,oh,yes!"
"I’mgladofthat。It’urtssobad,itdoes。I’dratherloseme’usbandthanmebaby,anyday。"Thesunwasshiningnowonacheekofthatterriblypatientface;itsbrightnessseemedcruelperchingthere。
"CanIdoanythingtohelpyou?"Noelmurmured。
"No,thankyou,miss。I’mgoin’’omenow。Idon’tlivefar。Thankyoukindly。"Andraisinghereyesforonemoreofthosehalf—
bewilderedlooks,shemovedawayalongtheEmbankmentwall。Whenshewasoutofsight,Noelwalkedbacktothestation。Thetrainwasin,andshetookherseat。Shehadthreefellowpassengers,allinkhaki;verysilentandmoody,asmenarewhentheyhavetogetupearly。Onewastall,dark,andperhapsthirty—five;thesecondsmall,aridaboutfifty,withcropped,scantygreyhair;thethirdwasofmediumheightandquitesixty—five,withalongrowoflittlecolouredpatchesonhistunic,andabald,narrow,well—shapedhead,greyhairbrushedbackatthesides,andthethin,collectedfeaturesanddroopingmoustacheoftheoldschool。ItwasathimthatNoellooked。Whenheglancedoutofthewindow,orotherwiseretiredwithinhimself,shelikedhisface;butwhenheturnedtotheticket—
collectororspoketotheothers,shedidnotlikeithalfsomuch。
Itwasasiftheoldfellowhadtwoselves,oneofwhichheusedwhenalone,theotherinwhichhedressedeverymorningtomeettheworld。
TheyhadbeguntotalkaboutsomeTribunalonwhichtheyhadtosit。
Noeldidnotlisten,butawordortwocarriedtohernowandthen。
"Howmanyto—day?"sheheardtheoldfellowask,andthelittlecroppedmananswering:"Hundredandfourteen。"
Freshfromthesightofthepoorlittleshabbywomanandhergrief,shecouldnothelpasortofshrinkingfromthattrimoldsoldier,withhisthin,regularface,whoheldthefateofa"Hundredandfourteen"inhisfirm,narrowgrasp,perhapseveryday。Wouldheunderstandtheirtroublesorwants?Ofcoursehewouldn’t!Then,shesawhimlookingathercriticallywithhiskeeneyes。Ifhehadknownhersecret,hewouldbethinking:’Aladyandactlikethat!
Oh,no!Quite—quiteoutofthequestion!’Andshefeltasifshecould,sinkundertheseatwithshame。Butnodoubthewasonlythinking:’Veryyoungtobetravellingbyherselfatthishourofthemorning。Prettytoo!’Ifheknewtherealtruthofher——howhewouldstare!Butwhyshouldthisutterstranger,thisolddisciplinarian,byacasualglance,bythemereformofhisface,makeherfeelmoreguiltyandashamedthanshehadyetfelt?Thatpuzzledher。Hewas,mustbe,anarrow,conventionaloldman;buthehadthispowertomakeherfeelashamed,becauseshefeltthathehadfaithinhisgods,andwastruetothem;becausesheknewhewoulddiesoonerthandepartfromhiscreedofconduct。Sheturnedtothewindow,bitingherlips—angryanddespairing。Shewouldnever——nevergetusedtoherposition;itwasnogood!Andagainshehadthelongingofherdream,totuckherfaceawayintothatcoat,smellthescentofthefrieze,snugglein,beprotected,andforget。’IfIhadbeenthatpoorlonelylittlewoman,’shethought,’andhadlosteverything,Ishouldhavegoneintothewater。Ishouldhaverushedandjumped。It’sonlyluckthatI’malive。Iwon’tlookatthatoldmanagain:thenIshan’tfeelsobad。’
Shehadboughtsomechocolateatthestation,andnibbledit,gazingsteadilyatthefieldscoveredwithdaisiesandthefirstofthebuttercupsandcowslips。Thethreesoldiersweretalkingnowincarefullyloweredvoices。Thewords:"women,""undercontrol,"
"perfectplague,"cametoher,makingherearsburn。Inthehypersensitivemoodcausedbythestrainofyesterday,herbrokennight,andtheemotionalmeetingwiththelittlewoman,shefeltasiftheywereincludingheramongthose"women。"’Ifwestop,I’llgetout,’shethought。Butwhenthetraindidstopitwastheywhogotout。ShefelttheoldGeneral’skeenveiledglancesumherupforthelasttime,andlookedfullathimjustforamoment。Hetouchedhiscap,andsaid:"Willyouhavethewindowupordown?"
andlingeredtodrawithalf—wayup。’Hispunctiliousnessmadeherfeelworsethanever。Whenthetrainhadstartedagainsheroamedupanddownheremptycarriage;therewasnomoreawayoutofherpositionthanoutofthisrollingcushionedcarriage!AndthensheseemedtohearFort’svoicesaying:’Sitdown,please!’andtofeelhisfingersclaspherwrist,Oh!hewasniceandcomforting;hewouldneverreproachorremindher!Andnow,probably,shewouldneverseehimagain。
Thetraindrewupatlast。ShedidnotknowwhereGeorgelodged,andwouldhavetogotohishospital。Sheplannedtogetthereathalfpastnine,andhavingeatenasortofbreakfastatthestation,wentforthintothetown。Theseasidewasstillwrappedintheearlyglamourwhichhauntschalkofabrightmorning。Butthestreetswereverymuchalive。Herewasrealbusinessofthewar。Shepassedhouseswhichhadbeenwrecked。Trucksclangedandshunted,greatlorriesrumbledsmoothlyby。Sea——andAir—planesweremovinglikegreatbirdsfarupinthebrighthaze,andkhakiwaseverywhere。ButitwastheseaNoelwanted。Shemadeherwaywestwardtoalittlebeach;and,sittingdownonastone,openedherarmstocatchthesunonherfaceandchest。Thetidewasnearlyup,withthewaveletsofabluebrightsea。Thegreatfact,thegreatestfactintheworld,exceptthesun;vastandfree,makingeverythinghumanseemsmallandtransitory!Itdidhergood,likeatranquillisingfriend。Theseamightbecruelandterrible,awfulthingsitcoulddo,andawfulthingswerebeingdoneonit;butitswidelevelline,itsnever—
endingsong,itssanesavour,werethebestmedicineshecouldpossiblyhavetaken。SherubbedtheShellysandbetweenherfingersinabsurdecstasy;tookoffhershoesandstockings,paddled,andsatdryingherlegsinthesun。
Whensheleftthelittlebeach,shefeltasifsomeonehadsaidtoher:
’Yourtroublesareverylittle。There’sthesun,thesea,theair;
enjoythem。Theycan’ttakethosefromyou。’
AtthehospitalshehadtowaithalfanhourinalittlebareroombeforeGeorgecame。
"Nollie!Splendid。I’vegotanhour。Let’sgetoutofthiscemetery。We’llhavetimeforagoodstretchonthetops。Jollyofyoutohavecometome。Tellusallaboutit。"
Whenshehadfinished,hesqueezedherarm。348
"Iknewitwouldn’tdo。YourDadforgotthathe’sapublicfigure,andmustexpecttobedamnedaccordingly。Butthoughyou’vecutandrun,he’llresignallthesame,Nollie。"
"Oh,no!"criedNoel。
Georgeshookhishead。
"Yes,he’llresign,you’llsee,he’sgotnoworldlysense;notagrain。"
"ThenIshallhavespoiledhislife,justasif——oh,no!"
"Let’ssitdownhere。Imustbebackateleven。"
Theysatdownonabench,wherethegreencliffstretchedoutbeforethem,overaseaquiteclearofhaze,fardownandveryblue。
"Whyshouldheresign,"criedNoelagain,"nowthatI’vegone?He’llbelostwithoutitall。"
Georgesmiled。
"Found,mydear。He’llbewhereheoughttobe,Nollie,wheretheChurchis,andtheChurchmenarenot——intheair!"
"Don’t!"criedNoelpassionately。
"No,no,I’mnotchaffing。There’snoroomonearthforsaintsinauthority。There’suseforasaintlysymbol,evenifonedoesn’tholdwithit,butthere’snomortaluseforthosewhotrytohavethingsbothways——tobesaintsandseersofvisions,andyettocomethepracticalandworldlyandruleordinarymen’slives。Saintlyexampleyes;butnotsaintlygovernance。You’vebeenhisdeliverance,Nollie。"
"ButDaddyloveshisChurch。"
Georgefrowned。"Ofcourse,it’llbeawrench。Aman’sboundtohaveacoseyfeelingaboutaplacewherehe’sbeenbosssolong;andthereissomethingaboutaChurch——thedrone,thescent,thehalfdarkness;there’sbeautyinit,it’sapleasantdrug。Buthe’snotbeingaskedtogiveupthedrughabit;onlytostopadministeringdrugstoothers。Don’tworry,Nollie;Idon’tbelievethat’seversuitedhim,itwantsathickerskinthanhe’sgot。"
"Butallthepeoplehehelps?"
"Noreasonheshouldn’tgoonhelpingpeople,isthere?"
"Buttogoonlivingthere,without——Motherdiedthere,youknow!"
Georgegrunted。"Dreams,Nollie,allroundhim;ofthepastandthefuture,ofwhatpeopleareandwhathecandowiththem。Ineverseehimwithoutaskirmish,asyouknow,andyetI’mfondofhim。ButI
shouldbetwiceasfond,andhalfaslikelytoskirmish,ifhe’ddropthehabitsofauthority。ThenIbelievehe’dhavesomerealinfluenceoverme;there’ssomethingbeautifulabouthim,Iknowthatquitewell。"
"Yes,"murmuredNoelfervently。
"He’ssuchaqueermixture,"musedGeorge。"Cleanoutofhisage;
chalksabovemostoftheparsonsinaspiritualsenseandchalksbelowmostofthemintheworldly。AndyetIbelievehe’sintherightofit。TheChurchoughttobeaforlornhope,Nollie;thenweshouldbelieveinit。Insteadofthat,it’sasortofbusinessthatnoonecantaketooseriously。Yousee,theChurchspiritualcan’tmakegoodinthisage——hasnochanceofmakinggood,andsointhemainit’sgivenitupforvestedinterestsandsocialinfluence。
YourfatherisasymbolofwhattheChurchisnot。Butwhataboutyou,mydear?There’saroomatmyboarding—house,andonlyoneoldladybesidesmyself,whoknitsallthetime。IfGracecangetshiftedwe’llfindahouse,andyoucanhavethebaby。They’llsendyourluggageonfromPaddingtonifyouwrite;andinthemeantimeGracie’sgotsomethingsherethatyoucanhave。"
"I’llhavetosendawiretoDaddy。"
"I’lldothat。Youcometomydiggingsathalfpastone,andI’llsettleyouin。Untilthen,you’dbetterstayuphere。"
Whenhehadgonesheroamedalittlefarther,andlaydownontheshortgrass,wherethechalkbrokethroughinpatches。Shecouldhearadistantrumbling,verylow,travellinginthatgrass,thelongmutteroftheFlandersguns。’Iwonderifit’sasbeautifuladaythere,’shethought。’Howdreadfultoseenogreen,nobutterflies,noflowers—notevensky—forthedustoftheshells。Oh!won’titever,everend?’Andasortofpassionfortheearthwelledupinher,thewarmgrassyearthalongwhichshelay,pressedsoclosethatshecouldfeelitwitheveryinchofherbody,andthesoftspikesofthegrassagainsthernoseandlips。Anachingsweetnesstorturedher,shewantedtheearthtocloseitsarmsabouther,shewantedtheanswertoherembraceofit。Shewasalive,andwantedlove。Notdeath——notloneliness——notdeath!Andoutthere,wherethegunsmuttered,millionsofmenwouldbethinkingthatsamethought!
X
Piersonhadpassednearlythewholenightwiththerelicsofhispast,therecordsofhisstewardship,thetokensofhisshortmarriedlife。Theideawhichhadpossessedhimwalkinghomeinthemoonlightsustainedhiminthatmelancholytaskofdocketinganddestruction。
Therewasnotnearlysomuchtodoasonewouldhavesupposed,for,withallhisdreaminess,hehadbeenoddlyneatandbusinesslikeinallparishmatters。Butahundredtimesthatnighthestopped,overcomebymemories。Everycorner,drawer,photograph,paperwasathreadinthelong—spunwebofhislifeinthishouse。Somephaseofhiswork,somevisionofhiswifeordaughtersstartedforthfromeachbitoffurniture,picture,doorway。Noiseless,inhisslippers,hestoleupanddownbetweenthestudy,diningroom,drawing—room,andanyoneseeinghimathisworkinthedimlightwhichvisitedthestaircasefromabovethefrontdoorandtheupper—passagewindow,wouldhavethought:’Aghost,aghostgoneintomourningfortheconditionoftheworld。’Hehadtomakethisreckoningto—night,whiletheexaltationofhisnewideawasonhim;hadtorummageouttheverydepthsofoldassociation,sothatonceforallhemightknowwhetherhehadstrengthtoclosethedooronthepast。Fiveo’clockstruckbeforehehadfinished,and,almostdroppingfromfatigue,satdownathislittlepianoinbrightdaylight。Thelastmemorytobesethimwasthefirstofall;hishoneymoon,beforetheycamebacktoliveinthishouse,alreadychosen,furnished,andwaitingforthem。TheyhadspentitinGermany——thefirstdaysinBaden—baden,andeachmorninghadbeenawakenedbyaChoraleplayeddowninthegardensoftheKurhaus,agentle,beautifultune,toremindthemthattheywereinheaven。Andsoftly,sosoftlythatthetunesseemedtobebutdreamshebeganplayingthoseoldChorales,oneafteranother,sothatthestillysoundsfloatedout,throughtheopenedwindow,puzzlingtheearlybirdsandcatsandthosefewhumanswhowereabroadasyet……
HereceivedthetelegramfromNoelintheafternoonofthesameday,justashewasabouttosetoutforLeila’stogetnewsofher;andcloseonthetopofitcameLavendie。Hefoundthepainterstandingdisconsolateinfrontofhispicture。
"Mademoisellehasdesertedme?"
"I’mafraidweshallalldesertyousoon,monsieur。"
"Youaregoing?"
"Yes,Iamleavinghere。IhopetogotoFrance。"
"Andmademoiselle?"
"Sheisattheseawithmyson—in—law。"
Thepainterranhishandsthroughhishair,butstoppedthemhalf—
way,asifawarethathewasbeingguiltyofill—breeding。
"Mondieu!"hesaid:"Isthisnotacalamityforyou,monsieurlecure?"ButhissenseofthecalamitywassopatentlylimitedtohisunfinishedpicturethatPiersoncouldnothelpasmile。
"Ah,monsieur!"saidthepainter,onwhomnothingwaslost。"Commejesuisegoiste!Ishowmyfeelings;itisdeplorable。Mydisappointmentmustseemabagatelletoyou,whowillbesodistressedatleavingyouroldhome。Thismustbeatimeofgreattrouble。Believeme;Iunderstand。Buttosympathisewithagriefwhichisnotshownwouldbeanimpertinence,woulditnot?YouEnglishgentlefolkdonotletusshareyourgriefs;youkeepthemtoyourselves。"
Piersonstared。"True,"hesaid。"Quitetrue!"
"IamnojudgeofChristianity,monsieur,butforusartiststhedoorsofthehumanheartstandopen,ourownandothers。Isupposewehavenopride——c’esttres—indelicat。Tellme,monsieur,youwouldnotthinkitworthyofyoutospeaktomeofyourtroubles,wouldyou,asIhavespokenofmine?"
Piersonbowedhishead,abashed。
"Youpreachofuniversalcharityandlove,"wentonLavendie;"buthowcantherebethatwhenyouteachalsosecretlythekeepingofyourtroublestoyourselves?Manrespondstoexample,nottoteaching;yousettheexampleofthestranger,notthebrother。Youexpectfromotherswhatyoudonotgive。Frankly,monsieur,doyounotfeelthatwitheveryrevelationofyoursoulandfeelings,virtuegoesoutofyou?AndIwilltellyouwhy,ifyouwillnotthinkitanoffence。Inopeningyourheartsyoufeelthatyouloseauthority。
Youareofficers,andmustneverforgetthat。Isitnotso?"
Piersongrewred。"Ihopethereisanotherfeelingtoo。Ithinkwefeelthattospeakofoursufferingsor,deeperfeelingsistoobtrudeoneself,tomakeafuss,tobeself—concerned,whenwemightbeconcernedwithothers。"
"Monsieur,aufondweareallconcernedwithself。Toseemselflessisbutyourparticularwayofcultivatingtheperfectionofself。
Youadmitthatnottoobtrudeselfisthewaytoperfectyourself。
Ehbien!Whatisthatbutadeeperconcernwithself?Tobefreeofthis,thereisnowaybuttoforgetallaboutoneselfinwhatoneisdoing,asIforgeteverythingwhenIampainting。But,"headded,withasuddensmile,"youwouldnotwishtoforgettheperfectingofself——itwouldnotberightinyourprofession。SoImusttakeawaythispicture,mustInot?Itisoneofmybestworks:Iregretmuchnottohavefinishedit。"
"Someday,perhaps——"
"Someday!Thepicturewillstandstill,butmademoisellewillnot。
Shewillrushatsomething,andbehold!thisfacewillbegone。No;
Iprefertokeepitasitis。Ithastruthnow。"Andliftingdownthecanvas,hestooditagainstthewallandfoldeduptheeasel。
"Bonsoir,monsieur,youhavebeenverygoodtome。"HewrungPierson’shand;andhisfaceforamomentseemedalleyesandspirit。
"Adieu!"
"Good—bye,"Piersonmurmured。"Godblessyou!"
"Idon’tknowifIhavegreatconfidenceinHim,"repliedLavendie,"butIshalleverrememberthatsogoodamanasyouhaswishedit。
Tomademoisellemydistinguishedsalutations,ifyouplease。Ifyouwillpermitme,Iwillcomebackformyotherthingsto—morrow。"Andcarryingeaselandcanvas,hedeparted。
Piersonstayedintheolddrawing—room,waitingforGratiantocomein,andthinkingoverthepainter’swords。Hadhiseducationandpositionreallymadeitimpossibleforhimtobebrotherly?Wasthisthesecretoftheimpotencewhichhesometimesfelt;thereasonwhycharityandlovewerenotmorealiveintheheartsofhiscongregation?’GodknowsI’venoconsciousnessofhavingfeltmyselfsuperior,’hethought;’andyetIwouldbetrulyashamedtotellpeopleofmytroublesandofmystruggles。CanitbethatChrist,ifhewereonearth,wouldcountusPharisees,believingourselvesnotasothermen?ButsurelyitisnotasChristiansbutratherasgentlementhatwekeepourselvestoourselves。Officers,hecalledus。Ifear——Ifearitistrue。’Ah,well!Therewouldnotbemanymoredaysnow。Hewouldlearnouttherehowtoopentheheartsofothers,andhisown。Sufferinganddeathlevelledallbarriers,madeallmenbrothers。HewasstillsittingtherewhenGratiancamein;
andtakingherhand,hesaid:
"NoelhasgonedowntoGeorge,andIwantyoutogettransferredandgotothem,Gracie。I’mgivinguptheparishandaskingforachaplaincy。"
"Givingup?Afterallthistime?IsitbecauseofNollie?"
"No,Ithinknot;Ithinkthetimehascome。Ifeelmyworkhereisbarren。"
"Oh,no!Andevenifitis,it’sonlybecause——"
Piersonsmiled。"Becauseofwhat,Gracie?"
"Dad,it’swhatI’vefeltinmyself。Wewanttothinkanddecidethingsforourselves,wewanttoownourconsciences,wecan’ttakethingsatsecond—handanylonger。"
Pierson’sfacedarkened。"Ah!"hesaid,"tohavelostfaithisagrievousthing。"
"We’regainingcharity,"criedGratian。
"Thetwothingsarenotopposed,mydear。"
"Notintheory;butinpracticeIthinktheyoftenare。Oh,Dad!
youlooksotired。Haveyoureallymadeupyourmind?Won’tyoufeellost?"
"Foralittle。Ishallfindmyself,outthere。"
ButthelookonhisfacewastoomuchforGratian’scomposure,andsheturnedaway。
Piersonwentdowntohisstudytowritehisletterofresignation。
Sittingbeforethatblanksheetofpaper,herealisedtothefullhowstronglyhehadresentedthepubliccondemnationpassedonhisownfleshandblood,howmuchhisactionwastheexpressionofapurelymundanechampionshipofhisdaughter;ofamundanemortification。
’Pride,’hethought。’OughtItostayandconquerit?’Twicehesethispendown,twicetookitupagain。Hecouldnotconquerit。Tostaywherehewasnotwanted,onasortofsufferance——never!Andwhilehesatbeforethatemptysheetofpaperhetriedtodothehardestthingamancando——toseehimselfasothersseehim;andmetwithsuchsuccessasonemightexpect——harkingatoncetotheverdicts,notofothersatall,butofhisownconscience;andcomingsoontothatperpetualgnawingsensewhichhadpossessedhimeversincethewarbegan,thatitwashisdutytobedead。Thisfeelingthattobealivewasunworthyofhimwhensomanyofhisflockhadmadethelastsacrifice,wasreinforcedbyhisdomestictragedyandthebitterdisillusionmentithadbrought。Asenseofhavinglostcasteweighedonhim,whilehesattherewithhispastrecedingfromhim,dustyandunreal。Hehadthequeerestfeelingofhisoldlifefallingfromhim,droppingroundhisfeetliketheoutwornscalesofaserpent,rungafterrungoftasksanddutiesperformeddayafterday,yearafteryear。Hadtheyeverbeenquitereal?Well,hehadshedthemnow,andwastomoveoutintolifeilluminedbythegreatreality—death!Andtakinguphispen,hewrotehisresignation。
XI
ThelastSunday,sunnyandbright!Thoughhedidnotaskhertogo,GratianwenttoeveryServicethatday。Andthesightofher,afterthislonginterval,intheiroldpew,whereoncehehadbeenwonttoseehiswife’sface,anddrawrefreshmenttherefrom,affectedPiersonmorethananythingelse。Hehadtoldnooneofhiscomingdeparture,shrinkingfromthefalsityandsuppressionwhichmustunderlieeveryallusionandexpressionofregret。Inthelastminuteofhislastsermonhewouldtellthem!Hewentthroughthedayinasortofdream。Trulyproudandsensitive,underthissocialblight,heshrankfromallalike,madenoattempttosingleoutsupportersoradherentsfromthosewhohadfallenaway。Heknewtherewouldbesome,perhapsmany,seriouslygrievedthathewasgoing;buttotryandrealisewhotheywere,toweightheminthescalesagainsttherestandsoforth,wasquiteagainsthisnature。Itwasallornothing。Butwhenforthelasttimeofallthosehundreds,hemountedthestepsofhisdarkpulpit,heshowednotraceoffinality,didnotperhapsevenfeelityet。Forsobeautifulasummereveningthecongregationwaslarge。Inspiteofallreticence,rumourwasbusyandcuriositystillrife。Thewritersoftheletters,anonymousandotherwise,hadspentaweek,notindeedinproclaimingwhattheyhaddone,butinjustifyingtothemselvesthesecretfactthattheyhaddoneit。AndthiswasbestachievedbyspeakingtotheirneighboursoftheseriousandawkwardsituationofthepoorVicar。
Theresultwasvisibleinabetterattendancethanhadbeenseensincesummer—timebegan。
Piersonhadneverbeenagreatpreacher,hisvoicelackedresonanceandpliancy,histhoughtbreadthandbuoyancy,andhewasnotfreefrom,thesing—songwhichmarstheutteranceofmanywhohavetospeakprofessionally。Buthealwaysmadeanimpressionofgoodnessandsincerity。OnthislastSundayeveninghepreachedagainthefirstsermonhehadeverpreachedfromthatpulpit,freshfromthehoneymoonwithhisyoungwife。"Solomoninallhisglorywasnotarrayedlikeoneofthese。"Itlackednowthehappyfervourofthatmosthappyofallhisdays,yetgainedpoignancy,comingfromsowornafaceandvoice。Gratian,whoknewthathewasgoingtoendwithhisfarewell,wasinachokeofemotionlongbeforehecametoit。
Shesatwinkingawayhertears,andnottillhepaused,forsolongthatshethoughthisstrengthhadfailed,didshelookup。Hewasleaningalittleforward,seemingtoseenothing;buthishands,graspingthepulpit’sedge,werequivering。TherewasdeepsilenceintheChurch,forthelookofhisfaceandfigurewasstrange,eventoGratian。Whenhislipspartedagaintospeak,amistcoveredhereyes,andshelostsightofhim。
"Friends,Iamleavingyou;thesearethelastwordsIshalleverspeakinthisplace。Igotootherwork。Youhavebeenverygoodtome。Godhasbeenverygoodtome。IpraywithmywholeheartthatHemayblessyouall。Amen!Amen!"
Themistclearedintotears,andshecouldseehimagaingazingdownather。Wasitather?Hewassurelyseeingsomething——somevisionsweeterthanreality,somethinghelovedmoredearly。Shefellonherknees,andburiedherfaceinherhand。Allthroughthehymnsheknelt,andthroughhisclearslowBenediction:"ThepeaceofGod,whichpassethallunderstanding,keepyourheartsandmindsintheknowledgeandloveofGod,andofhisSonJesusChristourLord;andtheblessingofGodAlmighty,theFather,theSon,andtheHolyGhost,beamongstyouandremainwithyoualways。"Andstillsheknelton;tillshewasaloneintheChurch。Thensheroseandstolehome。Hedidnotcomein;shedidnotexpecthim。’It’sover,’shekeptthinking;’allover。MybelovedDaddy!Nowhehasnohome;
NollieandIhavepulledhimdown。AndyetIcouldn’thelpit,andperhapsshecouldn’t。PoorNollie!……’
2
Piersonhadstayedinthevestry,talkingwithhischoirandwardens;
therewasnohitch,forhisresignationhadbeenaccepted,andhehadarrangedwithafriendtocarryontillthenewVicarwasappointed。
WhentheyweregonehewentbackintotheemptyChurch,andmountedtotheorgan—loft。Alittlewindowuptherewasopen,andhestoodleaningagainstthestone,lookingout,restinghiswholebeing。
Onlynowthatitwasoverdidheknowwhatstresshehadbeenthrough。Sparrowswerechirping,butsoundoftraffichadalmostceased,inthatquietSundayhouroftheeveningmeal。Finished!
Incrediblethathewouldnevercomeuphereagain,neverseethoseroof—lines,thatcornerofSquareGarden,andhearthisfamiliarchirpingofthesparrows。Hesatdownattheorganandbegantoplay。Thelasttimethesoundwouldrolloutandecho’roundtheemptiedHouseofGod。Foralongtimeheplayed,whilethebuildingdarkenedslowlydowntherebelowhim。Ofallthathewouldleave,hewouldmissthismost——therighttocomeandplayhereinthedarkeningChurch,toreleaseemotionalsoundinthisdimemptyspacegrowingevermorebeautiful。Fromchordtochordhelethimselfgodeeperanddeeperintothesurgeandswellofthosesoundwaves,losingallsenseofactuality,tillthemusicandthewholedarkbuildingwerefusedinonerapturoussolemnity。AwaydowntherethedarknesscreptovertheChurch,tillthepews,thealtar—allwasinvisible,savethecolumns;andthewalls。HebeganplayinghisfavouriteslowmovementfromBeethoven’sSeventhSymphony——kepttotheend,forthevisionsiteverbroughthim。Andacat,whichhadbeenstalkingthesparrows,creptinthroughthelittlewindow,andcrouched,startled,staringathimwithhergreeneyes。Heclosedtheorgan,wentquicklydown,andlockeduphisChurchforthelasttime。Itwaswarmeroutsidethanin,andlighter,fordaylightwasnotquitegone。Hemovedawayafewyards,andstoodlookingup。
Walls,buttresses,andspirewereclothedinmilkyshadowygrey。Thetopofthespireseemedtotouchastar。’Goodbye,myChurch!’hethought。’Good—bye,good—bye!’Hefelthisfacequiver;clenchedhisteeth,andturnedaway。
第16章