XII
WhenNoelfled,Forthadstartedforwardtostopher;then,realisingthatwithhislamenesshecouldnevercatchher,hewentbackandenteredLeila’sbedroom。
Shehadtakenoffherdress,andwasstandinginfrontofherglass,withthecigarettestillinhermouth;andtheonlymovementwasthecurlingofitsbluesmoke。Hecouldseeherfacereflected,pale,withalittlespotofredineachcheek,andburningredears。Shehadnotseemedtohearhimcomingin,buthesawhereyeschangewhentheycaughthisreflectioninthemirror。Fromlostandblank,theybecamealiveandsmouldering。
"Noel’sgone!"hesaid。
Sheanswered,asiftohisreflectionintheglass"Andyouhaven’tgonetoo?Ah,no!Ofcourse——yourleg!Shefled,Isuppose?Itwasratherajar,mycomingin,I’mafraid。"
"No;itwasmycominginthatwasthejar。"
Leilaturnedround。"Jimmy!Iwonderyoucoulddiscussme。Therest——"Sheshruggedhershoulders——"Butthat!"
"Iwasnotdiscussingyou。Imerelysaidyouwerenottobeenviedforhavingme。Areyou?"
Themomenthehadspoken,hewassorry。Theangerinhereyeschangedinstantly,firsttosearching,thentomisery。Shecriedout:
"Iwastobeenvied。Oh!Jimmy;Iwas!"andflungherselffacedownonthebed。
ThroughFort’smindwentthethought:’Atrocious!’Howcouldhesoothe——makeherfeelthathelovedher,whenhedidn’t——thathewantedher,whenhewantedNoel。Hewentuptothebedsideandtouchedhertimidly:
"Leila,whatisit?You’reovertired。What’sthematter?I
couldn’thelpthechild’sbeinghere。Whydoyouletitupsetyou?
She’sgone。It’sallright。Thingsarejustastheywere。"
"Yes!"camethestrangledecho;"just!"
Hekneltdownandstrokedherarm。Itshiveredunderthetouch,seemedtostopshiveringandwaitforthenexttouch,asifhopingitmightbewarmer;shiveredagain。
"Lookatme!"hesaid。"Whatisityouwant?I’mreadytodoanything。"
Sheturnedanddrewherselfuponthebed,screwingherselfbackagainstthepillowasifforsupport,withherkneesdrawnunderher。
Hewasastonishedatthestrengthofherfaceandfigure,thusentrenched。
"MydearJimmy!"shesaid,"Iwantyoutodonothingbutgetmeanothercigarette。Atmyageoneexpectsnomorethanonegets!Sheheldoutherthumbandfinger:"Doyoumind?"
Fortturnedawaytogetthecigarette。Withwhatbitterrestraintandcuriouslittlesmileshehadsaidthat!Butnosoonerwasheoutoftheroomandhuntingblindlyforthecigarettes,thanhismindwasfilledwithanachingconcernforNoel,fleeinglikethat,recklessandhurt,withnowheretogo。Hefoundthepolishedbirch—woodboxwhichheldthecigarettes,andmadeadesperateefforttodismisstheimageofthegirlbeforeheagainreachedLeila。Shewasstillsittingthere,withherarmscrossed,inthestillnessofonewhoseeverynerveandfibrewasstretchedtaut。
"Haveoneyourself,"shesaid。"Thepipeofpeace。"
Fortlitthecigarettes,andsatdownontheedgeofthebed;andhismindatoncewentbacktoNoel。
"Yes,"shesaidsuddenly;"Iwonderwhereshe’sgone。Canyouseeher?Shemightdosomethingrecklessasecondtime。PoorJimmy!Itwouldbeapity。Andsothatmonk’sbeenhere,anddrunkchampagne。
Goodidea!Getmesome,Jimmy!"
AgainFortwent,andwithhimtheimageofthegirl。Whenhecamebackthesecondtime;shehadputonthatdarksilkgarmentinwhichshehadappearedsuddenlyradiantthefatalnightaftertheQueen’sHallconcert。Shetookthewineglass,andpassedhim,goingintothesitting—room。
"Comeandsitdown,"shesaid。"Isyourleghurtingyou?"
"Notmorethanusual,"andhesatdownbesideher。
"Won’tyouhavesome?’Invinoveritas;’myfriend。"
Heshookhishead,andsaidhumbly:"Iadmireyou,Leila。"
"That’slucky。Idon’tknowanyoneelsewho,would。"Andshedrankherchampagneatadraught。
"Don’tyouwish,"shesaidsuddenly,"thatIhadbeenoneofthosewonderfulNewWomen,allbrainandgoodworks。HowIshouldhavetalkedtheUniverseupanddown,andthewar,andCauses,drinkingtea,andneverboringyoutotryandloveme。Whatapity!"
ButtoForttherehadcomeNoel’swords:"It’sawfullyfunny,isn’tit?"
"Leila,"hesaidsuddenly,"something’sgottobedone。Solongasyoudon’twishmeto,I’llpromisenevertoseethatchildagain。"
"Mydearboy,she’snotachild。She’sripeforlove;and——I’mtooripeforlove。That’swhat’sthematter,andI’vegottolumpit。"
Shewrenchedherhandoutofhisand,droppingtheemptyglass,coveredherface。TheawfulsensationwhichvisitsthetrueEnglishmanwhenascenestareshiminthefacespuninFort’sbrain。
Shouldheseizeherhands,dragthemdown,andkissher?Shouldhegetupandleaveheralone?Speak,orkeepsilent;trytoconsole;
trytopretend?Andhedidabsolutelynothing。Sofarasamancanunderstandthatmomentinawoman’slifewhensheacceptsthedefeatofYouthandBeauty,heunderstoodperhaps;butitwasonlyaglimmering。Heunderstoodmuchbetterhowshewasrecognisingonceforallthatshelovedwhereshewasnotloved。
’AndIcan’thelpthat,’hethoughtdumbly;’simplycan’thelpthat!’
Nothinghecouldsayordowouldalterit。Nowordscanconvinceawomanwhenkisseshavelostreality。Then,tohisinfiniterelief,shetookherhandsfromherface,andsaid:
"Thisisverydull。Ithinkyou’dbettergo,Jimmy。"
Hemadeanefforttospeak,butwastooafraidoffalsityinhisvoice。
"Verynearlyascene!"saidLeila。"MyGod!
Howmenhatethem!SodoI。I’vehadtoomanyinmytime;nothingcomesofthembutaheadachenextmorning。I’vesparedyouthat,Jimmy。Givemeakissforit。"
Hebentdownandputhislipstohers。Withallhishearthetriedtoanswerthepassioninherkiss。Shepushedhimawaysuddenly,andsaidfaintly:
"Thankyou;youdidtry!"
Fortdashedhishandacrosshiseyes。Thesightofherfacejustthenmovedhimhorribly。Whatabrutehefelt!Hetookherlimphand,putittohislips,andmurmured:
"Ishallcomeinto—morrow。We’llgotothetheatre,shallwe?Goodnight,Leila!"
But,inopeningthedoor,hecaughtsightofherface,staringathim,evidentlywaitingforhimtoturn;theeyeshadafrightenedlook。Theywentsuddenlysoft,sosoftastogivehisheartasqueeze。
Sheliftedherhand,blewhimakiss,andhesawhersmiling。
Withoutknowingwhathisownlipsanswered,hewentout。Hecouldnotmakeuphismindtogoaway,but,crossingtotherailings,stoodleaningagainstthem,lookingupatherwindows。Shehadbeenverygoodtohim。Hefeltlikeamanwhohaswonatcards,andsneakedawaywithoutgivingtheloserhisrevenge。Ifonlyshehadn’tlovedhim;andithadbeenasoullesscompanionship,aquitesordidbusiness。Anythingratherthanthis!Englishtothebackbone,hecouldnotdivesthimselfofasenseofguilt。Toseenowayofmakinguptoher,ofstraighteningitout,madehimfeelintenselymean。’ShallIgoupagain?’hethought。Thewindow—curtainmoved。
Thentheshredsoflightuptherevanished。’She’sgonetobed,’hethought。’Ishouldonlyupsetherworse。WhereisNoel,now,I
wonder?Ishallneverseeheragain,Isuppose。Altogetherabadbusiness。MyGod,yes!Abad—badbusiness!’
And,painfully,forhislegwashurtinghim,hewalkedaway。
Leilawasonlytoowellawareofatruththatfeelingsarenolessreal,poignant,andimportanttothoseoutsidemorality’sringfencethantothosewithin。Herfeelingswere,indeed,probablyevenmorerealandpoignant,justasawildfruit’sflavourissharperthanthatofthetameproduct。Opinion——sheknew——wouldsay,thathavingwilfullychosenapositionoutsidemoralityshehadnothalfthecaseforbrokenheartednessshewouldhavehadifForthadbeenherhusband:Opinion——sheknew——wouldsayshehadnoclaimonhim,andthesooneranillegaltiewasbroken,thebetter!Butshefeltfullyaswretchedasifshehadbeenmarried。Shehadnotwantedtobeoutsidemorality;neverinherlifewantedtobethat。Shewaslikethosewhobyconfessionshedtheirsinsandstartagainwithaclearconscience。Shenevermeanttosin,onlytolove,andwhenshewasinlove,nothingelsematteredforthemoment。But,thoughagambler,shehadalwayssofarpaidup。Only,thistimethestakesweretheheaviestawomancanputdown。Itwasherlastthrow;andsheknewit。Solongasawomanbelievedinherattraction,therewashope,evenwhenthecurtainfellonalove—affair!ButforLeilathelampofbeliefhadsuddenlygoneout,andwhenthisnextcurtaindroppedshefeltthatshemustsitinthedarkuntiloldagemadeherindifferent。Andbetweenforty—fourandrealoldageagulfisfixed。Thiswasthefirsttimeamanhadtiredofher。Why!hehadbeentiredbeforehebegan,orsoshefelt。Inoneswiftmomentasofadrowningperson,shesawagainallthepassagesoftheircompanionship,knewwithcertaintythatithadneverbeenagenuineflame。Shameran,consuming,inherveins。Sheburiedherfaceinthecushions。Thisgirlhadpossessedhisrealheartallthetime。
Withalaughshethought:’Iputmymoneyonthewronghorse;IoughttohavebackedEdward。Icouldhaveturnedthatpoormonk’shead。
IfonlyIhadneverseenJimmyagain;ifIhadtornhisletterup,I
couldhavemadepoorEdwardloveme!’Ifs!Whatfolly!Thingshappenedastheymust!
And,startingup,shebegantoroamthelittleroom。WithoutJimmyshewouldbewretched,withhimshewouldbewretchedtoo!’Ican’tbeartoseehisface,’shethought;’andIcan’tliveherewithouthim!It’sreallyfunny!’Thethoughtofherhospitalfilledherwithloathing。Togotheredayafterdaywiththisdespaireatingatherheart——shesimplycouldnot。Shewentoverherresources。Shehadmoremoneythanshethought;JimmyhadgivenheraChristmaspresentoffivehundredpounds。Shehadwantedtotearupthecheque,orforcehimtotakeitback;buttherealitiesofthepreviousfiveyearshadprevailedwithher,andshehadbankedit。
Shewasgladnow。Shehadnottoconsidermoney。Hermindsoughttoescapeinthepast。Shethoughtofherfirsthusband,RonnyFane;oftheirmosquito—curtainedroomsinthatghastlyMadrasheat。PoorRonny!Whatapale,cynicalyoungghoststartedupunderthatname。
ShethoughtofLynch,hishorsey,matter—of—factsolidity。Shehadlovedthemboth——foratime。Shethoughtoftheveldt,ofConstantia,andtheloomofTableMountainunderthestars;andthefirstsightofJimmy,hisstraightlook,thecurveofhiscrisphead,thekind,fighting—schoolboyfranknessofhisface。Evennow,afterallthosemonthsoftheircompanionship,thatlong—agoeveningatgrapeharvest,whenshesangtohimunderthescentedcreepers,wasthememoryofhimmostchargedwithrealfeeling。Thatoneeveningatanyratehehadlongedforher,eleven:yearsago,whenshewasinherprime。Shecouldhaveheldherownthen;Noelwouldhavecomeinvain。Tothinkthatthisgirlhadstillfifteenyearsbeforeshewouldbeeveninherprime。Fifteenyearsofwitchery;andthenanothertenbeforeshewasontheshelf。Why!ifNoelmarriedJimmy,hewouldbeanoldmandotingonherstill,bythetimeshehadreachedthisfatalageofforty—four:Shefeltasifshemustscream,and;stuffingherhandkerchiefintohermouth,turnedoutthelight。
Darknesscooledher,alittle。Shepulledasidethecurtains,andletinthemoonlight。Jimmyandthatgirlwereoutinitsomewhere,seekingeachother,ifnotinbody,theninthought。Andsoon,somehow,somewhere,theywouldcometogether——cometogetherbecauseFatemeantthemto!Fatewhichhadgivenheryoungcousinalikenesstoherself;placedher,too,injustsuchahopelesspositionasappealedtoJimmy,andgavehimachanceagainstyoungermen。Shesawitwithbittersurety。Goodgamblerscuttheirlosses!
Yes,andproudwomendidnotkeepunwillinglovers!Ifshehadevenanoutsidechance,shewouldtrailherpride,dragitthroughthemud,throughthorns!Butshehadnot。Andsheclenchedherfist,andstruckoutatthenight,asthoughatthefaceofthatFatewhichonecouldneverreach——impalpable,remorseless,surroundingFatewithitsfaintmockingsmile,devoidofallhumanwarmth。Nothingcouldsetbacktheclock,andgiveherwhatthisgirlhad。Timehad"doneherin,"asit"didin"everywoman,onebyone。Andshesawherselfgoingdowntheyears,powderingalittlemore,paintingalittlemore,touchingupherhair,tillitwasallartifice,holdingonbyeverylittledevice——andall,towhatend?Toseehisfacegetcolderandcolder,hearhisvoicemoreandmoreconstrainedtogentleness;andknowthatunderneath,aversionwasgrowingwiththethought’Youarekeepingmefromlife,andlove!’tilloneevening,insheernerve—break,shewouldsayordosomefearfulthing,andhewouldcomenomore。’No,Jimmy!’shethought;’findher,andstaywithher。You’renotworthallthat!’Andpuffingtothecurtains,asthoughwiththatgestureshecouldshutouthercreepingfate,sheturnedupthelightandsatdownatherwritingtable。Shestayedsomeminutesmotionless,herchinrestingonherhands,thedarksilkfallendownfromherarms。Alittlemirror,framedincuriouslycarvedivory,pickedupbyherinanIndianbazaartwenty—fiveyearsago,hungonalevelwithherfaceandgavethatfacebacktoher。
’I’mnotugly,’shethoughtpassionately,’I’mnot。Istillhavesomelooksleft。Ifonlythatgirlhadn’tcome。Anditwasallmydoing。Oh,whatmademewritetobothofthem,EdwardandJimmy?’
Sheturnedthemirroraside,andtookupapen。
"MYDEARJIMMY,"shewrote:"Itwillbebetterforusbothifyoutakeaholidayfromhere。Don’tcomeagaintillIwriteforyou。
I’msorryImadeyousomuchdisturbanceto—night。Haveagoodtime,andagoodrest;anddon’tworry。
"Your——"
Sofarshehadwrittenwhenateardroppedonthepage,andshehadtotearitupandbeginagain。Thistimeshewrotetotheend—"YourLeila。"’Imustpostitnow,’shethought,’orhemaynotgetitbeforeto—morrowevening。Icouldn’tgothroughwiththisagain。’
Shehurriedoutwithitandslippeditinapillarbox。Thenightsmelledofflowers;and,hasteningback,shelaydown,andstayedawakeforhours,tossing,andstaringatthedark。
XIII
1
Leilahadpluck,butlittlepatience。HeronethoughtwastogetawayandsheatoncebegansettlingupheraffairsandgettingapermittoreturntoSouthAfrica。Theexcitementsofpurchaseandpreparationwereasgoodananodyneasshecouldhavetaken。Theperilsoftheseawereatfulljustthen,andtheprospectofdangergaveherasortofpleasure。’IfIgodown,’shethought,’allthebetter;brisk,insteadoflonganddreary。’Butwhenshehadthepermitandhercabinwasbooked,theirrevocabilityofherstepcametoherwithfullforce。Shouldsheseehimagainorno?Herboatstartedinthreedays,andshemustdecide。Ifincompunctionheweretobeaffectionate,sheknewshewouldneverkeeptoherdecision,andthenthehorrorwouldbeginagain,tillagainshewasforcedtothissameaction。Sheletthehoursgoandgotilltheverydaybefore,whentheachetoseehimandthedreadofithadbecomesounbearablethatshecouldnotkeepquiet。Latethatafternoon——everything,tothelastlabel,ready——shewentout,stillundecided。Anitchtoturnthedaggerinherwound,toknowwhathadbecomeofNoel,tookhertoEdward’shouse。Almostunconsciouslyshehadputonherprettiestfrock,andspentanhourbeforetheglass。
Afeverishnessofsoul,morethanofbody,whichhadhungabouthereversincethatnight,gavehercolour。Shelookedherprettiest;
andsheboughtagardeniaatashopinBakerStreetandfasteneditinherdress。ReachingtheoldSquare,shewasastonishedtoseeaboardupwiththewords:"Tolet,"thoughthehousestilllookedinhabited。Sherang,andwasshownintothedrawing—room。Shehadonlytwicebeeninthishousebefore;andforsomereason,perhapsbecauseofherownunhappiness,theold,rathershabbyroomstruckheraspathetic,asifinhabitedbythepast。’Iwonderwhathiswifewaslike,’shethought:Andthenshesaw,hangingagainstastripofblackvelvetonthewall,thatfadedcoloursketchoftheslenderyoungwomanleaningforward,withherhandscrossedinherlap。Thecolouringwaslavenderandoldivory,withfainttouchesofrose。Theeyes,soliving,werealittlelikeGratian’s;thewholefacedelicate,eager,good。’Yes,’shethought,’hemusthavelovedyouverymuch。Tosaygood—byemusthavebeenhard。’ShewasstillstandingbeforeitwhenPiersoncamein。
"That’sadearface,Edward。I’vecometosaygood—bye。I’mleavingforSouthAfricato—morrow。"And,asherhandtouchedhis,shethought:’ImusthavebeenmadtothinkIcouldeverhavemadehimloveme。’
"Areyou——areyouleavinghim?"
Leilanodded:
"That’sverybrave,andwonderful。"
"Oh!no。Needsmustwhenthedevildrives——that’sall。Idon’tgiveuphappinessofmyownaccord。That’snotwithinahundredmilesofthetruth。WhatIshallbecome,Idon’tknow,butnothingbetter,youmaybesure。IgiveupbecauseIcan’tkeep,andyouknowwhy。
WhereisNoel?"
"Downatthesea,withGeorgeandGratian。"
Hewaslookingatherinwonder;andthepained,puzzledexpressiononhisfaceangeredher。
"Iseethehouseistolet。Who’dhavethoughtachildlikethatcouldrootuptwofossilslikeus?Nevermind,Edward,there’sthesamebloodinus。We’llkeepourendsupinourownways。Whereareyougoing?"
"They’llgivemeachaplaincyintheEast,Ithink。"
ForawildmomentLeilathought:’ShallIoffertogowithhim——thetwolostdogstogether?’
"Whatwouldhavehappened,Edward,ifyouhadproposedtomethatMayweek,whenwewere——alittlebitinlove?Whichwouldithavebeen,worstfor,youorme?"
"Youwouldn’thavetakenme,Leila。"
"Oh,oneneverknows。Butyou’dneverhavebeenapriestthen,andyou’dneverhavebecomeasaint。"
"Don’tusethatsillyword。Ifyouknew——"
"Ido;Icanseethatyou’vebeenhalfburnedalive;halfburnedandhalfburied!Well,youhaveyourreward,whateveritis,andImine。
Good—bye,Edward!"Shetookhishand。"Youmightgivemeyourblessing;Iwantit。"
Piersonputhisotherhandonhershoulderand,bendingforward,kissedherforehead。
ThetearsrushedupinLeila’seyes。"Ahme!"shesaid,"it’sasadworld!"Andwipingthequiveringoffherlipswiththebackofherglovedhand,shewentquicklypasthimtothedoor。Shelookedbackfromthere。Hehadnotstirred,buthislipsweremoving。’He’sprayingforme!’shethought。’Howfunny!’
2
Themomentshewasoutside,sheforgothim;thedreadfulacheforFortseemedtohavebeenwhippedupwithinher,asifthatfigureoflifelongrepressionhadinfuriatedtheloveoflifeandpleasureinher。ShemustandwouldseeJimmyagain,ifshehadtowaitandseekforhimallnight!Itwasnearlyseven,hewouldsurelyhavefinishedattheWarOffice;hemightbeathisCluborathisrooms。
Shemadeforthelatter。
ThelittlestreetnearBuckinghamGate,wherenowaghadchalked"Peace"onthedoorsfornearlyayearnow,hadanaridlookafterahotday’ssun。Thehair—dresser’sshopbelowhisroomswasstillopen,andtheprivatedoorajar:’Iwon’tring,’shethought;’I’llgostraightup。’Whileshewasmountingthetwoflightsofstairs,shestoppedtwice,breathless,fromapaininherside。Sheoftenhadthatpainnow,asifthelonginginherheartstraineditphysically。Onthemodestlandingatthetop,outsidehisrooms,shewaited,leaningagainstthewall,whichwascoveredwitharedpaper。
Awindowatthebackwasopenandtheconfusedsoundofsingingcamein——achorus"Vive—la,vive—la,vive—lave。Vivelacompagnie。"Soitcametoher。’OGod!’shethought:’Lethimbein,lethimbenicetome。It’sthelasttime。’And,sickfromanxiety,sheopenedthedoor。Hewasin——lyingonawicker—couchagainstthewallinthefarcorner,withhisarmscrossedbehindhishead,andapipeinhismouth;hiseyeswereclosed,andheneithermoved,noropenedthem,perhapssupposinghertobetheservant。Noiselessasacat,Leilacrossedtheroomtillshestoodabovehim。Andwaitingforhimtocomeoutofthatdefiantlethargy,shetookherfillofhisthin,bonyface,healthyandhollowatthesametime。Withteethclenchedonthepipeithadalookofhardresistance,asofamanwithhisheadback,hisarmspinionedtohissides,stiffenedagainstsomecreature,clingingandclimbingandtryingtodraghimdown。Thepipewasalive,anddribbledsmoke;andhisleg,theinjuredone,wriggledrestlessly,asifworryinghim;buttherestofhimwasasutterlyandobstinatelystillasthoughhewereasleep。Hishairgrewthickandcrisp,notathreadofgreyinit,theteethwhichheldthepipeglintedwhiteandstrong。Hisfacewasyoung;somuchyoungerthanhers。Whydidsheloveit——thefaceofamanwhocouldn’tloveher?Forasecondshefeltasifshecouldseizethecushionwhichhadslippeddownoffthecouch,andsmotherhimashelaythere,refusing,soitseemedtoher,tocometoconsciousness。
Lovedespised!Humiliation!Shenearlyturnedandstoleaway。Thenthroughthedoor,leftopen,behindher,thesoundofthatchorus:
"Vive—la,vive—la,vive—lave!"cameinandjoltedhernervesunbearably。Tearingthegardeniafromherbreast,sheflungitontohisupturnedface。
"Jimmy!"
Fortstruggledup,andstaredather。Hisfacewascomicfrombewilderment,andshebrokeintoalittlenervouslaugh。
"Youweren’tdreamingofme,dearJimmy,that’scertain。Inwhatgardenwereyouwandering?"
"Leila!You!How——howjolly!"
"How——howjolly!Iwantedtoseeyou,soIcame。AndIhaveseenyou,asyouare,whenyouaren’twithme。Ishallrememberit;itwasgoodforme——awfullygoodforme。"
"Ididn’thearyou。"
"Far,faraway,mydear。Putmygardeniain,yourbuttonhole。Stop,I’llpinitin。Haveyouhadagoodrestallthisweek?Doyoulikemydress?It’snew。Youwouldn’thavenoticedit,wouldyou?"
"Ishouldhavenoticed。Ithinkit’scharming。
"Jimmy,Ibelievethatnothing——nothingwillevershakeyourchivalry。"
"Chivalry?Ihavenone。"
"Iamgoingtoshutthedoor,doyoumind?"Buthewenttothedoorhimself,shutit,andcamebacktoher。Leilalookedupathim。
"Jimmy,ifeveryoulovedmealittlebit,benicetometoday。AndifIsaythings——ifI’mbitter——don’tmind;don’tnoticeit。
Promise!"
"Ipromise。"
Shetookoffherhatandsatleaningagainsthimonthecouch,sothatshecouldnotseehisface。Andwithhisarmroundher,sheletherselfgo,deepintothewatersofillusion;down—down,tryingtoforgettherewasasurfacetowhichshemustreturn;likealittlegirlsheplayedthatgameofmake—believe。’Helovesme—helovesme—
helovesme!’Toloseherselflikethatfor,justanhour,onlyanhour;shefeltthatshewouldgivetherestofthetimevouchsafedtoher;giveitallandwillingly。Herhandclaspedhisagainstherheart,sheturnedherfacebackward,uptohis,closinghereyessoasstillnottoseehisface;thescentofthegardeniainhiscoathurther,sosweetandstrongitwas。
3
Whenwithherhatonshestoodreadytogo,itwasgettingdark。Shehadcomeoutofherdreamnow,wasplayingatmake—believenomore。
Andshestoodwithastonysmile,inthehalf—dark,lookingbetweenherlashesatthemortifiedexpressiononhisunconsciousface。
"PoorJimmy!"shesaid;"I’mnotgoingtokeepyoufromdinneranylonger。No,don’tcomewithme。I’mgoingalone;anddon’tlightup,forheaven’ssake。"
Sheputherhandonthelapelofhiscoat。"Thatflower’sgonebrownattheedges。Throwitaway;Ican’tbearfadedflowers。Norcanyou。Getyourselfafreshonetomorrow。"
Shepulledtheflowerfromhisbuttonholeand,crushingitinherhand,heldherfaceup。
"Well,kissmeoncemore;itwon’thurtyou。"
Foronemomentherlipsclungtohiswithalltheirmight。Shewrenchedthemaway,feltforthehandleblindly,openedthedoor,and,shuttingitinhisface,wentslowly,swayingalittle,downthestairs。Shetrailedaglovedhandalongthewall,asifitssoliditycouldhelpher。Atthelasthalf—landing,whereacurtainhung,dividingoffbackpremises,shestoppedandlistened。Therewasn’tasound。’IfIstandherebehindthiscurtain,’shethought,’Ishallseehimagain。’Sheslippedbehindthecurtain,closedrawnbutforalittlechink。Itwassodarktherethatshecouldnotseeherownhand。Sheheardthedooropen,andhisslowfootstepscomingdownthestairs。Hisfeet,knees,wholefigurecameintosight,hisfacejustadimblur。Hepassed,smokingacigarette。Shecrammedherhandagainsthermouthtostopherselffromspeakingandthecrushedgardeniafilledhernostrilswithitscold,fragrantvelvet。Hewasgone,thedoorbelowwasshut。Awild,half—stupidlongingcameonhertogoupagain,waittillhecamein,throwherselfuponhim,tellhimshewasgoing,beghimtokeepherwithhim。Ah!andhewould!Hewouldlookatherwiththathaggardpityshecouldnotbear,andsay,"Ofcourse,Leila,ofcourse。"No!ByGod,no!"Iamgoingquietlyhome,"shemuttered;"justquietlyhome!Comealong,bebrave;don’tbeafool!Comealong!"Andshewentdownintothestreet:AttheentrancetotheParkshesawhim,fiftyyardsinfront,dawdlingalong。And,asifshehadbeenhisshadowlengthenedouttothatfardistance,shemovedbehindhim。Slowly,alwaysatthatdistance,shefollowedhimundertheplane—trees,alongtheParkrailings,pastSt。James’sPalace,intoPallMall。Hewentupsomesteps,andvanishedintohisClub。Itwastheend。Shelookedupatthebuilding;amonstrousgranitetomb,alldark。Anemptiedcabwasjustmovingfromthedoor。Shegotin。"CamelotMansions,St。
John’sWood。"Andbracedagainstthecushions,panting,andclenchingherhands,shethought:’Well,I’veseenhimagain。Hardcrust’sbetterthannobread。Oh,God!Allfinished——notacrumb,notacrumb!Vive—la,vive—la,vive—lave。Vive—lacompagnie!’
XIV
Forthadbeenlyingthereaboutanhour,sleepingandawake,beforethatvisit:Hehaddreamedacuriousandwonderfullyemotionalisingdream。Alonggreyline,inadimlight,neitherofnightnormorning,thewholelengthofthebattle—frontinFrance,charginginshortdrives,whichcarriedthelinealittleforward,withjustatinypauseandsuck—back;thenonagainirresistibly,onandon;andateachrush,everyvoice,hisownamongthem,shouted"Hooray!theEnglish!Hooray!theEnglish!"Thesensationofthatadvancingtideofdimfiguresingreylight,thethrobandroar,thewonderful,rhythmicsteadydriveofit,nomoretobestoppedthanthewavesofanincomingtide,wasgloriouslyfascinating;lifewasnothing,deathnothing。"Hooray,theEnglish!"Inthatdream,hewashiscountry,hewaseveryoneofthatlongchargingline,drivingforwardin。
thosegreatheavingpulsations,irresistible,onandon。Outoftheverycentreofthisintoxicatingdreamhehadbeendraggedbysomestreetnoise,andhadclosedhiseyesagain,inthevainhopethathemightdreamitontoitsend。Butitcamenomore;andlightinghispipe,helaytherewonderingatitsfervid,fantasticrealism。Deathwasnothing,ifhiscountrylivedandwon。Inwakinghoursheneverhadquitethatsingle—heartedknowledgeofhimself。Andwhatmarvellouslyrealtouchesgotmixedintothefantasticstuffofdreams,asifsomethingwereatworktoconvincethedreamerinspiteofhimself——"Hooray!"not"Hurrah!"Justcommon"Hooray!"And"theEnglish,"nottheliterary"British。"Andthenthesoftflowerhadstruckhisforehead,andLeila’svoicecried:"Jimmy!"
第17章