WELLWYN。Indeed！
　　TIMSON。Well，seethatgirlnow！[Heshakeshishead。]Ineverdidbelieveingoin’behindaperson’sback——I’manEnglishman——but[loweringhisvoice]she’sabadhat，sir。Why，lookatthestreetshecomesfrom！
　　WELLWYN。Oh！youknowit。
　　TIMSON。Livedtheremeselflarstthreeyears。Seethedifferenceafewdays’corn’smadeinher。She’sthatsaucyyoucan’ttouch’erhead。
　　WELLWYN。Isthereanynecessity，Timson？
　　TIMSON。Artfultoo。Fullo’vice，Icall’er。Where’s’er’usband？
　　WELLWYN。[Gravely。]Come，Timson！Youwouldn’tlikeherto
　　TIMSON。[Withdignity，sothatthebottleinhispocketisplainlyvisible。]I’mamanasalwaysbearedinspection。
　　WELLWYN。[Withawell—directedsmile。]SoIsee。
　　TIMSON。[Curvinghimselfroundthebottle。]It’snotformetosaynothing——butIcantellagen’lemanasquickaseverIcantellan’orse。
　　WELLWYN。[Painting。]Ifinditsafesttoassumethateverymanisagentleman，andeverywomanalady。Savesnoendofself—contempt。
　　Givemethelittlebrush。
　　TIMSON。[Handinghimthebrush——afteraconsiderableintrospectivepause。]Wouldyerlikemetostayandwashitforyeragain？[Withgreatresolution。]Iwill——I’lldoitforyou——nevergrudgedworkin’
　　foragen’leman。
　　WELLWYN。[Withsincerity。]Thankyou，Timson——verygoodofyou，I’msure。[Hehandshimbackthebrush。]Justlendusahandwiththis。
　　[AssistedbyTIMSONhepushesbackthedais。]Let’ssee！WhatdoI
　　oweyou？
　　TIMSON。[Reluctantly。]Itso’appens，youadvancedmeto—day’syesterday。
　　WELLWYN。ThenIsupposeyouwantto—morrow’s？
　　TIMSON。Well，I’adtospendit，lookin’forapermanentjob。Whenyou’vegottodowith’orses，youcan’tneglectthepublics，oryoumightaswellbedead。
　　WELLWYN。Quiteso！
　　TIMSON。Itmountsupinthecourseo’theyear。
　　WELLWYN。Itwould。[Passinghimacoin。]Thisisforanexceptionalpurpose——Timson——see。Not
　　TIMSON。[Touchinghisforehead。]Certainly，sir。Iquiteunderstand。I’mnotthatsort，asIthinkI’veprovedtoyer，comin’
　　hereregulardayafterday，alltheweek。There’sonething，Ioughttowarnyouperhaps——Imight’avetogivethisjobupanyday。
　　[Hemakesafaintdemonstrationwiththelittlebrush，thenputsit，absent—mindedly，intohispocket。]
　　WELLWYN。[Gravely。]I’dneverstandinthewayofyourbetteringyourself，Timson。And，bytheway，mydaughterspoketoafriendaboutyouto—day。Ithinksomethingmaycomeofit。
　　TIMSON。Oh！Oh！Shedid！Well，itmightdomeabito’good。[Hemakesfortheouterdoor，butstops。]Thatforeigner！’Esticksinmygizzard。It’snotasiftherewasn’tplentyo’pigeonsfor’imtopluckin’isownGawd—forsakencountry。Reg—larjay，that’swhatI
　　calls’im。Icouldtellyersomething
　　[Hehasopenedthedoor，andsuddenlyseesthatFERRANDhimselfisstandingthere。Stickingouthislowerlip，TIMSONgivesarollofhisjawandlurchesforthintothestreet。Owingtoaslightmiscalculation，hisfaceandraisedarmsareplainlyvisiblethroughthewindow，ashefortifieshimselffromhisbattleagainstthecold。FERRAND，havingclosedthedoor，standswithhisthumbactingaspointertowardsthisspectacle。
　　Heisnowremarkablydressedinanartist’ssquashygreenhat，afrockcoattoosmallforhim，abrightbluetieofknittedsilk，thegreytrousersthatweretorn，well—wornbrownboots，andatanwaistcoat。
　　WELLWYN。Whatluckto—day？
　　FERRAND。[Withashrug。]AgainIhavebeatenallLondon，Monsieur—
　　—notonebite。[Contemplatinghimself。]Ithinkperhaps，that，forthebourgeoisie，thereisalittletoomuchcolourinmycostume。
　　WELLWYN。[Contemplatinghim。]Let’ssee——IbelieveI’veanoldtophatsomewhere。
　　FERRAND。Ah！Monsieur，’merci’，butthatIcouldnot。Itisscarcelyinmycharacter。
　　WELLWYN。True！
　　FERRAND。Ihavebeentomerchantsofwine，oftabac，tohotels，toLeicesterSquare。IhavebeentoaSocietyforspreadingChristianknowledge——IthoughtthereIwouldhaveachanceperhapsasinterpreter。’Toujoursmemechose’，weregret，wehavenosituationforyou——samethingeverywhere。Itseemsthereisnothingdoinginthistown。
　　WELLWYN。I’venoticed，thereneveris。
　　FERRAND。Iwasthinking，Monsieur，thatinaviationtheremightbeacareerforme——butitseemsonemustbetrained。
　　WELLWYN。Afraidso，Ferrand。
　　FERRAND。[Approachingthepicture。]Ah！Youarealwaysworkingatthis。Youwillhavesomethingofverygoodthere，Monsieur。Youwishtofixthetypeofwildsavageexistingeveramongstourhighcivilisation。’C’esttreschicca’！[WELLWYNmanifeststhequietdelightofanEnglishartistactuallyunderstood。]Inthefiguresofthesegoodcitizens，towhomsheoffersherflower，youwouldgivetheideaofallthecagedoorsopentocatchandmaketamethewildbird，thatwillsurelydiewithin。’Tresgentil’！Believeme，Monsieur，youhavetherethegreatestcomedyoflife！Howanxiousarethetamebirdstodothewildbirdsgood。[Hisvoicechanges。]
　　Forthewildbirdsitisnotfunny。Thereisinsomehumansouls，Monsieur，whatcannotbemadetame。
　　WELLWYN。Ibelieveyou，Ferrand。
　　[Thefaceofayoungmanappearsatthewindow，unseen。
　　SuddenlyANNopensthedoorleadingtothehouse。
　　ANN。Daddy——Iwantyou。
　　WELLWYN。[ToFERRAND。]Excusemeaminute！
　　[Hegoestohisdaughter，andtheypassout。FERRANDremainsatthepicture。MRS。MEGANdressedinsomeofANN’sdiscardedgarments，hascomeoutofthemodel’sroom。ShestealsupbehindFERRANDlikeacat，reachesanarmup，andcurlsitroundhismouth。Heturns，andtriestoseizeher;shedisingenuouslyslipsaway。Hefollows。Thechasecirclestheteatable。Hecatchesher，liftsherup，swingsroundwithher，sothatherfeetflyout;kissesherbent—backface，andsetsherdown。Shestandstheresmiling。Thefaceatthewindowdarkens。
　　FERRAND。LaValse！
　　[Hetakesherwithbothhandsbythewaist，sheputsherhandsagainsthisshoulderstopushhimof——andsuddenlytheyarewhirling。Astheywhirl，theybobtogetheronceortwice，andkiss。Then，withawarningmotiontowardsthedoor，shewrenchesherselffree，andstopsbesidethepicture，tryingdesperatelytoappeardemure。WELLWYNandANNhaveentered。
　　Thefacehasvanished。
　　FERRAND。[Pointingtothepicture。]Onedoesnotcomprehendallthis，Monsieur，withoutwellstudying。IwasintraintointerpretforMa’moisellethechiaroscuro。
　　WELLWYN。[Withaqueerlook。]Don’ttakeittooseriously，Ferrand。
　　FERRAND。Itisamasterpiece。
　　WELLWYN。Mydaughter’sjustspokentoafriend，ProfessorCalway。
　　He’dliketomeetyou。Couldyoucomebackalittlelater？
　　FERRAND。Certainly，Ma’moiselle。Thatwillbeanopeningforme，I
　　trust。[Hegoestothestreetdoor。]
　　ANN。[Payingnoattentiontohim。]Mrs。Megan，willyoutoocomebackinhalfanhour？
　　FERRAND。’Tresbien，Ma’moiselle’！Iwillseethatshedoes。Wewilltakealittlepromenadetogether。Thatwilldousgood。
　　[Hemotionstowardsthedoor;MRS。MEGAN，alleyes，followshimout。
　　ANN。Oh！Daddy，theyarerotters。Couldn’tyouseetheywerehavingthemosthighjinks？
　　WELLWYN。[Athispicture。]Iseemedtohavenoticedsomething。
　　ANN。[Preparingfortea。]Theywerekissing。
　　WELLWYN。Tt！Tt！
　　ANN。They’rehopeless，allthree——especiallyher。WishIhadn’tgivenhermyclothesnow。
　　WELLWYN。[Absorbed。]Somethingofwild—savage。
　　ANN。Thankgoodnessit’stheVicar’sbusinesstoseethatmarriedpeoplelivetogetherinhisparish。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！[Dubiously。]TheMegansareRomanCatholic—Atheists，Ann。
　　ANN。[Withheat。]Thenthey’reallthemorebound。[WELLWYNgivesasuddenandalarmedwhistle。]
　　ANN。What’sthematter？
　　WELLWYN。Didn’tyousayyouspoketoSirThomas，too。SupposehecomesinwhiletheProfessor’shere。They’recatanddog。
　　ANN。[Blankly。]Oh！[AsWELLWYNstrikesamatch。]Thesamovarislighted。[Takingupthenearlyemptydecanterofrumandgoingtothecupboard。]It’sallright。Hewon’t。
　　WELLWYN。We’llhopenot。
　　[Heturnsbacktohispicture。]
　　ANN。[Atthecupboard。]Daddy！
　　WELLWYN。Hi！
　　ANN。Therewerethreebottles。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！
　　ANN。Well！Nowtherearen’tany。
　　WELLWYN。[Abstracted。]That’llbeTimson。
　　ANN。[Withrealhorror。]Butit’sawful！
　　WELLWYN。Itis，mydear。
　　ANN。Insevendays。Tosaynothingofthestealing。
　　WELLWYN。[Vexed。]Iblamemyself—verymuch。Oughttohavekeptitlockedup。
　　ANN。Yououghttokeephimlockedup！
　　[Thereisheardamildbutauthoritativeknock。]
　　WELLWYN。Here’stheVicar！
　　ANN。Whatareyougoingtodoabouttherum？
　　WELLWYN。[OpeningthedoortoCANONBERTLEY。]Comein，Vicar！
　　HappyNewYear！
　　BERTLEY。Sametoyou！Ah！Ann！I’vegotintotouchwithheryounghusband——he’scominground。
　　ANN。[Stillalittleoutofherplate。]ThankGo———Moses！
　　BERTLEY。[Faintlysurprised。]FromwhatIhearhe’snotreallyabadyouth。Afraidhebetsonhorses。Thegreatthing，WELLWYN，withthosepoorfellowsistoputyourfingerontheweakspot。
　　ANN。[Toherself—gloomily。]That’snotdifficult。Whatwouldyoudo，CanonBertley，withamanwho’sbeendrinkingfather’srum？
　　BERTLEY。Removethetemptation，ofcourse。
　　WELLWYN。He’sdonethat。
　　BERTLEY。Ah！Then——[WELLWYNandANNhangonhiswords]thenI
　　should——erANN。[Abruptly。]Removehim。
　　BERTLEY。BeforeIsaythat，Ann，Imustcertainlyseetheindividual。
　　WELLWYN。[Pointingtothewindow。]Thereheis！
　　[InthefailinglightTIMSON’Sfaceisindeedtobeseenpressedagainstthewindowpane。]
　　ANN。Daddy，Idowishyou’dhavethickglassputin。It’ssodisgustingtobespiedat！[WELLWYNgoingquicklytothedoor，hasopenedit。]Whatdoyouwant？[TIMSONenterswithdignity。Heisfuddled。
　　TIMSON。[Slowly。]Arskin’yerpardon—thoughtitmedutytocomeback—foundthishyerlittlebrishelonme。[Heproducesthelittlepaintbrush。]
　　ANN。[Inadeadlyvoice。]Nothingelse？
　　[TIMSONaccordsheraglassystare。]
　　WELLWYN。[Takingthebrushhastily。]That’lldo，Timson，thanks！
　　TIMSON。AsIam’ere，canIdoanythingforyer？
　　ANN。Yes，youcansweepoutthatlittleroom。[Shepointstothemodel’sroom。]There’sabroominthere。
　　TIMSON。[Disagreeablysurprised。]Certainly;nevermakebonesaboutalittleextra——never’aveinallmelife。Doitatonsh，I
　　will。[Hemovesacrosstothemodel’sroomatthatpeculiarbroadgaitsoperfectlyadjustedtohishabits。]Youquiteunderstandme——couldn’tbearto’aveanythingonmethatwasn’tmine。
　　[Hepassesout。
　　ANN。Oldfraud！
　　WELLWYN。"In"and"on。"Markmywords，he’llrestorethe——bottles。
　　BERTLEY。But，mydearWELLWYN，thatisstealing。
　　WELLWYN。Weallhaveourdiscrepancies，Vicar。
　　ANN。Daddy！Discrepancies！
　　WELLWYN。Well，Ann，mytheoryisthatasregardssolidsTimson’sanIndividualist，butasregardsliquidshe’saSocialist……or’viceversa’，accordingtotaste。
　　BERTLEY。No，no，wemustn’tjokeaboutit。[Gravely。]Idothinkheshouldbespokento。
　　WELLWYN。Yes，butnotbyme。
　　BERTLEY。Surelyyou’retheproperperson。
　　WELLWYN。[Shakinghishead。]Itwasmyrum，Vicar。Looksopersonal。
　　[Theresoundanumberoflittletat—tatknocks。]
　　WELLWYN。Isn’tthattheProfessor’sknock？
　　[WhileAnnsitsdowntomaketea，hegoestothedoorandopensit。There，dressedinanulster，standsathin，clean—shavedman，withalittlehollowsuckedintoeithercheek，who，takingoffagreysquashhat，disclosesamajesticallybaldforehead，whichcompletelydominatesallthatcomesbelowit。]
　　WELLWYN。Comein，Professor！Soawfullygoodofyou！YouknowCanonBentley，Ithink？
　　CALWAY。Ah！Howd’youdo？
　　WELLWYN。Youropinionwillbeinvaluable，Professor。
　　ANN。Tea，ProfessorCalway？
　　[Theyhaveassembledroundtheteatable。]
　　CALWAY。Thankyou;notea;milk。
　　WELLWYN。Rum？
　　[HepoursrumintoCALWAY’smilk。]
　　CALWAY。Alittle—thanks！[TurningtoANN。]Youweregoingtoshowmesomeoneyou’retryingtorescue，orsomething，Ithink。
　　ANN。Oh！Yes。He’llbeheredirectly——simplyperfectrotter。
　　CALWAY。[Smiling。]Really！Ah！Ithinkyousaidhewasacongenital？
　　WELLWYN。[Withgreatinterest。]What！
　　ANN。[Low。]Daddy！[ToCALWAY。]Yes;I——Ithinkthat’swhatyoucallhim。
　　CALWAY。Notold？
　　ANN。No;andquitehealthy——avagabond。
　　CALWAY。[Sipping。]Isee！Yes。Isit，doyouthinkchronicunemploymentwithavagranttendency？Orwoulditbenearerthemarktosay:Vagrancy
　　WELLWYN。Pure！Oh！pure！Professor。Awfullyhuman。
　　CALWAY。[Withasmileofknowledge。]Quite！And——er
　　ANN。[Breakingin。]Beforehecomes，there’sanother
　　BERTLEY。[Blandly。]Yes，whenyoucamein，wewerediscussingwhatshouldbedonewithamanwhodrinksrum——[CALWAYpausesintheactofdrinking]——thatdoesn’tbelongtohim。
　　CALWAY。Really！Dipsomaniac？
　　BERTLEY。Well——perhapsyoucouldtellus——drinkcertainlychangingthinetomine。TheProfessorcouldseehim，WELLWYN？
　　ANN。[Rising。]Yes，docomeandlookathim，ProfessorCALWAY。
　　He’sinthere。
　　[Shepointstowardsthemodel’sroom。CALWAYsmilesdeprecatingly。]
　　ANN。No，really;weneedn’topenthedoor。Youcanseehimthroughtheglass。He’smorethanhalf
　　CALWAY。Well，Ihardly
　　ANN。Oh！Do！Comeon，ProfessorCALWAY！Wemustknowwhattodowithhim。[CALWAYrises。]Youcanstandonachair。It’sallscience。
　　[ShedrawsCALWAYtothemodel’sroom，whichislightedbyaglasspanelinthetopofthehighdoor。CANONBERTLEYalsorisesandstandswatching。WELLWYNhovers，tornbetweenrespectforscienceanddislikeofespionage。]
　　ANN。[Drawingupachair。]Comeon！
　　CALWAY。Doyouseriouslywishmeto？
　　ANN。Rather！It’squitesafe;hecan’tseeyou。
　　CALWAY。Buthemightcomeout。
　　[ANNputsherbackagainstthedoor。CALWAYmountsthechairdubiously，andraiseshisheadcautiously，bendingitmoreandmoredownwards。]
　　ANN。Well？
　　CALWAY。Heappearstobe———sittingonthefloor。
　　WELLWYN。Yes，that’sallright！
　　[BERTLEYcovershislips。]
　　CALWAY。[ToANN——descending。]Bythelookofhisface，asfarasonecanseeit，Ishouldsaytherewasaleaningtowardsmania。I
　　knowthetreatment。
　　[Therecomethreeloudknocksonthedoor。WELLWYNandANN
　　exchangeaglanceofconsternation。
　　ANN。Who’sthat？
　　WELLWYN。ItsoundslikeSirThomas。
　　CALWAY。SirThomasHoxton？
　　WELLWYN。[Nodding。]Awfullysorry，Professor。Yousee，we
　　CALWAY。Notatall。Only，Imustdeclinetobeinvolvedinargumentwithhim，please。
　　BERTLEY。Hehasexperience。Wemightgethisopinion，don’tyouthink？
　　CALWAY。Onapointofreform？AJ。P。！
　　BERTLEY。[Deprecating。]MydearSir——weneedn’ttakeit。
　　[Thethreeknocksresoundwithextraordinaryfury。]
　　ANN。You’dbetteropenthedoor，Daddy。
　　[WELLWYNopensthedoor。SIR，THOMASHOXTONisdisclosedinafurovercoatandtophat。Hissquare，well—colouredfaceisremarkableforamassivejaw，dominatingallthatcomesaboveit。HisVoiceisresolute。]
　　HOXTON。AfraidIdidn’tmakemyselfheard。
　　WELLWYN。Sogoodofyoutocome，SirThomas。CanonBertley！[Theygreet。]ProfessorCALWAYyouknow，Ithink。
　　HOXTON。[Ominously。]Ido。
　　[Theyalmostgreet。Anawkwardpause。]
　　ANN。[Blurtingitout。]ThatoldcabmanItoldyouof’sbeendrinkingfather’srum。
　　BERTLEY。Wewerejustdiscussingwhat’stobedonewithhim，SirThomas。Onewantstodotheverybest，ofcourse。Thequestionofreformisalwaysdelicate。
　　CALWAY。Ibegyourpardon。Thereisnoquestionhere。
　　HOXTON。[Abruptly。]Oh！Isheinthehouse？
　　ANN。Inthere。
　　HOXTON。Worksforyou，eh？
　　WELLWYN。Er——yes。
　　HOXTON。Let’shavealookathim！
　　[Anembarrassedpause。]
　　BERTLEY。Well——thefactis，SirThomas
　　CALWAY。Whenlastunderobservation
　　ANN。Hewassittingonthefloor。
　　WELLWYN。Idon’twanttheoldfellowtofeelhe’sbeingmadeashowof。Disgustingtobespiedat，Ann。
　　ANN。Youcan’t，Daddy！He’sdrunk。
　　HOXTON。Nevermind，MissWELLWYN。Hundredsofthesefellowsbeforemeinmytime。[AtCALWAY。]Theonlythingisasharplesson！
　　CALWAY。Idisagree。I’veseentheman;whatherequiresissteadycontrol，andthebobbinstreatment。
　　[WELLWYNapproachesthemwithfearfulinterest。]
　　HOXTON。Notabitofit！Hewantsoneforhisknob！Brace’emup！
　　It’stheonlything。
　　BERTLEY。Personally，IthinkthatifhewerespokentoseriouslyCALWAY。Icannotwalkarminarmwithacrab！
　　HOXTON。[ApproachingCALWAY。]Ibegyourpardon？
　　CALWAY。[Movingbackalittle。]You’removingbackwards，SirThomas。I’vetoldyoubefore，convincedreactionaryism，inthesedays
　　[Therecomesasingleknockonthestreetdoor。]
　　BERTLEY。[Lookingathiswatch。]D’youknow，I’mratherafraidthismaybeouryounghusband，WELLWYN。Itoldhimhalf—pastfour。
　　WELLWYN。Oh！Ah！Yes。[Goingtowardsthetworeformers。]Shallwegointothehouse，Professor，andsettlethequestionquietlywhiletheVicarseesayoungman？
　　CALWAY。[Palewithuncompletedstatement，andgravitatinginsensiblyinthedirectionindicated。]Themerestsenseofcontinuity——asimpleinstinctfororder
　　HOXTON。[Following。]Theonlywaytogetorder，sir，istobringthedisorderlyupwitharoundturn。[CALWAYturnstohiminthedoorway。]Youpeoplewithoutpracticalexperience
　　CALWAY。Ifyou’lllistentomeaminute。
　　HOXTON。Icanshowyouinamo
　　[Theyvanishthroughthedoor。]
　　WELLWYN。Iwasafraidofit。
　　BERTLEY。Thetwopointsofview。Pleasanttoseesuchkeenness。
　　Imaywantyou，WELLWYN。AndAnnperhapshadbetternotbepresent。
　　WELLWYN。[Relieved。]Quiteso！Mydear！
　　[ANNgoesreluctantly。WELLWYNopensthestreetdoor。Thelampoutsidehasjustbeenlighted，and，byitsgleam，isseenthefigureofRORYMEGAN，thin，pale，youthful。ANNturningatthedoorintothehousegiveshimalong，inquisitivelook，thengoes。]