The"baby"waselevenweeksold，andthencamethetwins，whoweregettingonforfifteenmonthsandwerecuttingtheirdoubleteethnicely。Theyoungestgirlwasthree;therewerefiveboysagedseven，eight，nine，ten，andtwelverespectively——goodenoughlads，but——well，there，boyswillbeboys，youknow;wewerejustthesameourselveswhenwewereyoung。Thetwoeldestwerebothverypleasantgirls，astheirmothersaid;theonlypitywasthattheywouldquarrelsowitheachother。
　　Weneverknewahealthiersetofboysandgirls。Theyweresofullofenergyanddash。
　　Ourfriendwasverymuchoutofsortsoneeveningwhenwecalledonhim。Itwasholiday—timeandwetweather。Hehadbeenathomeallday，andsohadallthechildren。Hewastellinghiswifewhenweenteredtheroomthatiftheholidaysweretolastmuchlongerandthosetwinsdidnothurryupandgettheirteethquickly，heshouldhavetogoawayandjointheCountyCouncil。Hecouldnotstandtheracket。
　　Hiswifesaidshecouldnotseewhathehadtocomplainof。Shewassurebetter—heartedchildrennomancouldhave。
　　Ourfriendsaidhedidn’tcareastrawabouttheirhearts。Itwastheirlegsandarmsandlungsthatweredrivinghimcrazy。
　　Healsosaidthathewouldgooutwithusandgetawayfromitforabit，orheshouldgomad。
　　Heproposedatheater，andweaccordinglymadeourwaytowardtheStrand。Ourfriend，inclosingthedoorbehindhim，saidhecouldnottelluswhatareliefitwastogetawayfromthosechildren。Hesaidhelovedchildrenverymuchindeed，butthatitwasamistaketohavetoomuchofanything，howevermuchyoulikedit，andthathehadcometotheconclusionthattwenty—twohoursadayofthemwasenoughforanyone。
　　Hesaidhedidnotwanttoseeanotherchildorhearanotherchilduntilhegothome。Hewantedtoforgetthatthereweresuchthingsaschildrenintheworld。
　　WegotuptotheStrandanddroppedintothefirsttheaterwecameto。
　　Thecurtainwentup，andonthestagewasasmallchildstandinginitsnightshirtandscreamingforitsmother。
　　Ourfriendlooked，saidonewordandbolted，andwefollowed。
　　Wewentalittlefurtheranddroppedintoanothertheater。
　　Herethereweretwochildrenonthestage。Somegrown—uppeoplewerestandingroundthemlistening，inrespectfulattitudes，whilethechildrentalked。Theyappearedtobelecturingaboutsomething。
　　Againwefled，swearing，andmadeourwaytoathirdtheater。Theywereallchildrenthere。Itwassomebodyorother’sChildren’sCompanyperforminganopera，orpantomime，orsomethingofthatsort。
　　Ourfriendsaidhewouldnotventureintoanothertheater。Hesaidhehadheardtherewereplacescalledmusic—halls，andhebeggedustotakehimtooneoftheseandnottotellhiswife。
　　Weinquiredofapolicemanandfoundthattherereallyweresuchplaces，andwetookhimintoone。
　　Thefirstthingwesawweretwolittleboysdoingtricksonahorizontalbar。
　　Ourfriendwasabouttorepeathiscustomaryprogrammeofflyingandcursing，butwerestrainedhim。Weassuredhimthathewouldreallyseeagrown—uppersonifhewaitedabit，sohesatouttheboysandalsotheirlittlesisteronabicycleandwaitedforthenextitem。
　　Itturnedouttobeaninfantphenomenonwhosanganddancedinfourteendifferentcostumes，andweoncemorefled。
　　Ourfriendsaidhecouldnotgohomeinthestatehewasthen;hefeltsureheshouldkillthetwinsifhedid。Heponderedforawhile，andthenhethoughthewouldgoandhearsomemusic。Hesaidhethoughtalittlemusicwouldsootheandennoblehim——makehimfeelmorelikeaChristianthanhedidatthatprecisemoment。
　　WewerenearSt。James’Hall，sowewentinthere。
　　Thehallwasdenselycrowded，andwehadgreatdifficultyinforcingourwaytoourseats。Wereachedthematlength，andthenturnedoureyestowardtheorchestra。
　　"Themarvelousboypianist——onlytenyearsold！"wasgivingarecital。
　　Thenourfriendroseandsaidhethoughtbewouldgiveitupandgohome。
　　Weaskedhimifhewouldliketotryanyotherplaceofamusement，buthesaid"No。"Hesaidthatwhenyoucametothinkofit，itseemedawasteofmoneyforamanwithelevenchildrenofhisowntogoabouttoplacesofentertainmentnowadays。
　　THECOMICLOVERS。
　　Oh，theyarefunny！Thecomiclovers’missioninlifeistoserveasasortof"relief"tothemiserycausedtheaudiencebytheothercharactersintheplay;andallthatiswantednowissomethingthatwillbearelieftothecomiclovers。
　　Theyhavenothingtodowiththeplay，buttheycomeonimmediatelyafteranythingverysadhashappenedandmakelove。Thisiswhywewatchsadscenesonthestagewithsuchpatience。Wearenoteagerforthemtobegotover。Maybetheyareveryuninterestingscenes，aswellassadones，andtheymakeusyawn;butwehavenodesiretoseethemhurriedthrough。Thelongertheytakethebetterpleasedweare:
　　weknowthatwhentheyarefinishedthecomicloverswillcomeon。
　　Theyarealwaysveryrudetoeachother，thecomiclovers。Everybodyismoreorlessrudeandinsultingtoeverybodyelseonthestage;
　　theycallitreparteethere！Wetriedtheeffectofalittlestage"repartee"onceuponsomepeopleinreallife，andwewishedwehadn’tafterward。Itwastoosubtleforthem。Theysummonedusbeforeamagistratefor"usinglanguagecalculatedtocauseabreachofthepeace。"Wewerefined2poundsandcosts！
　　Theyaremorelenientto"witandhumor"onthestage，andknowhowtoencouragetheartofvituperation。Butthecomicloverscarrythepracticealmosttoexcess。Theyaremorethanrude——theyareabusive。
　　Theyinsulteachotherfrommorningtonight。Whattheirmarriedlifewillbelikeweshuddertothink！
　　Inthevariousslangingmatchesandbullyraggingcompetitionswhichformtheircourtshipitisalwaysthemaidenthatismostsuccessful。
　　Againsthermerryflowofinvectiveandhergirlishwealthofoffensivepersonalitiestheinsolenceandabuseofherboyishadorercannotstandforonemoment。
　　Togiveanideaofhowthecomicloverswoo，weperhapscannotdobetterthansubjointhefollowingbriefexample:
　　_SCENE:MainthoroughfareinpopulousdistrictofLondon。Time:
　　Noon。Notasoultobeseenanywhere。_
　　_EntercomicloveressR。，walkinginthemiddleoftheroad。_
　　_EntercomicloverL。，alsowalkinginthemiddleoftheroad。_
　　_Theyneitherseetheotheruntiltheybumpagainsteachotherinthecenter。_
　　HE。Why，Jane！Who’da’thoughto’meetingyouhere！
　　SHE。Youevidentlydidn’t——stoopid！
　　HE。Halloo！gotouto’bedthewrongsideagain？Isay，Jane，ifyougoonlikethatyou’llnevergetamantomarryyou。
　　SHE。SoIthoughtwhenIengagedmyselftoyou。
　　HE。Oh！come，Jane，don’tbehard。
　　SHE。Well，oneofusmustbehard。You’resoftenough。
　　HE。Yes，Ishouldn’twanttomarryyouifIweren’t。Ha！ha！ha！
　　SHE。Oh，yougibberingidiot！（_Saidarchly。_）
　　HE。SogladIam。Weshallmakeacapitalmatch（_attemptstokissher_）。
　　SHE（_slippingaway_）。Yes，andyou’llfindI’mamatchthatcanstrike（_fetcheshimaviolentblowoverthesideifthehead_）。
　　HE（_holdinghisjaw——inaliteralsense，wemean_）。Ican’thelpfeelingsmittenbyher。
　　SHE。Yes，I’mabitofaspanker，ain’tI？
　　HE。Spanker。Icallyouaregularstunner。You’venearlymademesilly。
　　SHE（_laughingplayfully_）。No，naturedidthatforyou，Joe，longago。
　　HE。Ah，well，you’vemademesmartenoughnow，youboss—eyedoldcow，you！
　　SHE。Cow！amI？Ah，Isupposethat’swhatmakesmesofondofacalf，youGermansausageonlegs！You——
　　HE。Goalong。Yourmotherbroughtyouuponsourmilk。
　　SHE。Yah！Theyweanedyouonthistles，didn’tthey？
　　Andsoon，withsuchlikebadinagedotheyhangaboutinthemiddleofthatroad，showeringderisionandcontumelyuponeachotherforfulltenminutes，when，withoneculminatingburstofmutualabuse，theygoofftogetherfightingandthestreetisleftoncemoredeserted。
　　Itisverycurious，bythebye，howdesertedallpublicplacesbecomewheneverastagecharacterisabout。Itwouldseemasthoughordinarycitizenssoughttoavoidthem。WehaveknownacoupleofstagevillainstohaveWaterlooBridge，LancasterPlace，andabitoftheStrandentirelytothemselvesfornearlyaquarterofanhouronasummer’safternoonwhiletheyplottedamostdiabolicaloutrage。
　　AsforTrafalgarSquare，theheroalwayschoosesthatspotwhenhewantstogetawayfromthebusycrowdandcommuneinsolitudewithhisownbitterthoughts;andthegoodoldlawyerleaveshisofficeandgoestheretodiscussanyverydelicatebusinessoverwhichheparticularlydoesnotwishtobedisturbed。
　　AndtheyallmakespeechestheretoanextentsufficienttohaveturnedthehairofthelatelamentedSirCharlesWarrenWhitewithhorror。Butitisallright，becausethereisnobodyneartohearthem。Asfarastheeyecanreach，notalivingthingistobeseen。
　　NorthumberlandAvenue，theStrand，andSt。Martin’sLanearesimplyawilderness。Theonlysignoflifeaboutisa’busatthetopofWhitehall，anditappearstobeblocked。
　　Howithasmanagedtogetblockedwecannotsay。Ithasthewholeroadtoitself，andis，infact，itselftheonlytrafficformilesround。Yetthereitsticksforhours。Thepolicemakenoattempttomoveitonandthepassengersseemquitecontented。
　　TheThamesEmbankmentisanevenstillmorelonesomeanddesolatepart。Wounded（stage）spiritsflyfromthehauntsofmenand，leavingthehard，coldworldfar，farbehindthem，goanddieinpeaceontheThamesEmbankment。Andotherwanderers，findingtheirskeletonsafterward，burythemthereandputuprudecrossesoverthegravestomarkthespot。
　　Thecomicloversareoftenveryyoung，andwhenpeopleonthestageareyoungthey_are_young。Heissupposedtobeaboutsixteenandsheisfifteen。Buttheybothtalkasiftheywerenotmorethanseven。
　　Inreallife"boys"ofsixteenknowathingortwo，wehavegenerallyfound。Theaverage"boy"ofsixteennowadaysusuallysmokescavendishanddoesalittleontheStockExchangeormakesabook;andasforlove！hehasquitegotoveritbythatage。Onthestage，however，thenew—bornbabeisnotinitforinnocencewiththeboyloverofsixteen。
　　So，too，withthemaiden。Mostgirlsoffifteenoffthestage，soourexperiencegoes，knowasmuchasthereisanyactualnecessityforthemtoknow，Mr。Gilbertnotwithstanding;butwhenweseeayoungladyoffifteenonthestagewewonderwherehercradleis。
　　Thecomicloversdonothavethefacilitiesforlove—makingthattheheroandheroinedo。Theheroandheroinehavebigroomstomakelovein，withafireandplentyofeasy—chairs，sothattheycansitaboutinpicturesqueattitudesanddoitcomfortably。Oriftheywanttodoitoutofdoorstheyhavearuinedabbey，withabigstoneseatinthecenter，andmoonlight。
　　Thecomiclovers，ontheotherhand，havetodoitstandingupallthetime，inbusystreets，orincheerless—lookingandcuriouslynarrowroomsinwhichthereisnofurniturewhateverandnofire。
　　Andthereisalwaysatremendousrowgoingoninthehousewhenthecomicloversaremakinglove。Somebodyalwaysseemstobeputtinguppicturesinthenextroom，andputtingthemupboisterously，too，sothatthecomiclovershavetoshoutateachother。
　　THEPEASANTS。
　　Theyaresoclean。Wehaveseenpeasantryoffthestage，andithaspresentedanuntidy——occasionallyadisreputableandunwashed——appearance;butthestagepeasantseemstospendallhiswagesonsoapandhair—oil。
　　Theyarealwaysroundthecorner——orratherroundthetwocorners——andtheycomeoninacoupleofstreamsandmeetinthecenter;andwhentheyareintheirproperpositiontheysmile。
　　Thereisnothinglikethestagepeasants’smileinthisworld——nothingsoperfectlyinane，socalmlyimbecile。
　　Theyaresohappy。Theydon’tlookit，butweknowtheyarebecausetheysayso。Ifyoudon’tbelievethem，theydancethreestepstotherightandthreestepstotheleftbackagain。Theycan’thelpit。Itisbecausetheyaresohappy。
　　Whentheyaremorethanusuallyrollickingtheystandinasemicircle，withtheirhandsoneachother’sshoulders，andswayfromsidetoside，tryingtomakethemselvessick。Butthisisonlywhentheyaresimplyburstingwithjoy。
　　Stagepeasantsneverhaveanyworktodo。
　　Sometimesweseethemgoingtowork，sometimescominghomefromwork，butnobodyhaseverseenthemactuallyatwork。Theycouldnotaffordtowork——itwouldspoiltheirclothes。
　　Theyareverysympathetic，arestagepeasants。Theyneverseemtohaveanyaffairsoftheirowntothinkabout，buttheymakeupforthisbytakingathree—hundred—horse—powerinterestinthingsinwhichtheyhavenoearthlyconcern。
　　Whatparticularlyrousesthemistheheroine’sloveaffairs。Theycouldlistentothemallday。
　　Theyyearntohearwhatshesaidtohimandtobetoldwhatherepliedtoher，andtheyrepeatittoeachother。
　　Inourownlove—sickdaysweoftenusedtogoandrelatetovariouspeopleallthetouchingconversationsthattookplacebetweenourlady—loveandourselves;butourfriendsneverseemedtogetexcitedoverit。Onthecontrary，acasualobservermightevenhavebeenledtotheideathattheywereboredbyourrecital。Andtheyhadtrainstocatchandmentomeetbeforewehadgotaquarterthroughthejob。
　　Ah，howofteninthosedayshaveweyearnedforthesympathyofastagepeasantry，whowouldhavecrowdedroundus，eagernottomissonewordofthethrillingnarrative，whowouldhaverejoicedwithuswithanencouraginglaugh，andhavecondoledwithuswithagrieved"Oh，"andwhowouldhavegoneoff，whenwehadhadenoughofthem，singingaboutit。
　　Bytheway，thisisaverybeautifultraitinthecharacterofthestagepeasantry，theirpromptandunquestioningcompliancewiththeslightestwishofanyoftheprincipals。
　　"Leaveme，friends，"saystheheroine，beginningtomakepreparationsforweeping，andbeforeshecanturnroundtheyarecleangone——onelottotheright，evidentlymakingforthebackentranceofthepublic—house，andtheotherhalftotheleft，wheretheyvisiblyhidethemselvesbehindthepumpandwaittillsomebodyelsewantsthem。
　　Thestagepeasantrydonottalkmuch，theirstrongpointbeingtolisten。Whentheycannotgetanymoreinformationaboutthestateoftheheroine’sheart，theyliketobetoldlongandcomplicatedstoriesaboutwrongsdoneyearsagotopeoplethattheyneverheardof。Theyseemtobeabletograspandunderstandthesestorieswithease。Thismakestheaudienceenviousofthem。
　　Whenthestagepeasantrydotalk，however，theysoonmakeupforlosttime。Theystartoffalltogetherwithasuddennessthatnearlyknocksyouover。
　　Theyalltalk。Nobodylistens。Watchanytwoofthem。Theyarebothtalkingashardastheycango。Theyhavebeenlisteningquiteenoughtootherpeople:youcan’texpectthemtolistentoeachother。Buttheconversationundersuchconditionsmustbeverytrying。
　　Andthentheyflirtsosweetly！soidyllicly！
　　Ithasbeenourprivilegetoseerealpeasantryflirt，andithasalwaysstruckusasasingularlysolidandsubstantialaffair——makesonethink，somehow，ofasteam—rollerflirtingwithacow——butonthestageitissosylph—like。Shehasshortskirts，andherstockingsaresomuchtidierandbetterfittingthanthesethingsareinrealpeasantlife，andsheisarchandcoy。Sheturnsawayfromhimandlaughs——suchasilverylaugh。Andheisruddyandcurlyhairedandhasonsuchabeautifulwaistcoat！howcanshehelpbutlovehim？Andheissotenderanddevotedandholdsherbythewaist;andsheslipsroundandcomesuptheotherside。Oh，itissobewitching！
　　Thestagepeasantryliketodotheirlove—makingasmuchinpublicaspossible。Somepeoplefancyaplacealltothemselvesforthissortofthing——wherenobodyelseisabout。Weourselvesdo。Butthestagepeasantismoresociablyinclined。Givehimthevillagegreen，justoutsidethepublic—house，orthesquareonmarket—daytodohisspooningin。