Ouradvicetostagewickedpeoplewouldundoubtedlybe，"Neverrepent。
　　Ifyouvalueyourlife，don’trepent。Italwaysmeanssuddendeath！"
　　Toreturntoouradventuress。Sheisbynomeansabadwoman。Thereismuchgoodinher。Thisismorethanprovedbythefactthatshelearnstolovetheherobeforeshedies;fornoonebutareallygoodwomancapableofextraordinarypatienceandgentlenesscouldever，weareconvinced，growtofeelanyothersentimentforthatirritatingass，thanadesiretothrowbricksathim。
　　Thestageadventuresswouldbeamuchbetterwoman，too，ifitwerenotfortheheroine。Theadventuressmakesthemostcompletearrangementsforbeingnobleandself—sacrificing——thatis，forgoingawayandnevercomingback，andisjustabouttocarrythemout，whentheheroine，whohasaperfectgeniusforbeinginthewrongplaceattherighttime，comesinandspoilsitall。Nostageadventuresscanbegoodwhiletheheroineisabout。Thesightoftheheroinerouseseverybadfeelinginherbreast。
　　Wecansympathizewithherinthisrespect。Theheroineoftenaffectsourselvesinpreciselythesameway。
　　Thereisagooddealtobesaidinfavoroftheadventuress。True，shepossessesrathertoomuchsarcasmandreparteetomakethingsquiteagreeableroundthedomestichearth，andwhenshehasgotallherclothesonthereisnotmuchroomleftintheplaceforanybodyelse;buttakenonthewholesheisdecidedlyattractive。Shehasgritandgoinher。Sheisalive。Shecandosomethingtohelpherselfbesidescallingfor"George。"
　　Shehasnotgotastagechild——ifsheeverhadone，shehasleftitonsomebodyelse’sdoorstepwhich，presumingtherewasnowaterhandytodrownitin，seemstobeaboutthemostsensiblethingshecouldhavedonewithit。Sheisnotoppressivelygood。
　　Sheneverwantstobe"unhanded"or"lettopass。"
　　Sheisnotalwaysbeingshockedorinsultedbypeopletellingherthattheyloveher;shedoesnotseemtominditiftheydo。Sheisnotalwaysfainting，andcrying，andsobbing，andwailing，andmoaning，likethegoodpeopleintheplayare。
　　Oh，theydohaveanunhappytimeofit——thegoodpeopleinplays！
　　Thensheistheonlypersoninthepiecewhocansitonthecomicman。
　　Wesometimesthinkitwouldbeafortunatething——forhim——iftheyallowedhertomarryandsettledownquietlywiththehero。Shemightmakeamanofhimintime。
　　THESERVANT—GIRL。
　　Therearetwotypesofservant—girltobemetwithonthestage。Thisisanunusualallowanceforoneprofession。
　　Thereisthelodging—houseslavey。Shehasagoodheartandasmuttyfaceandisalwaysdressedaccordingtothelatestfashioninscarecrows。Herleadingoccupationisthecleaningofboots。Shecleansbootsalloverthehouse，atallhoursoftheday。Shecomesandsitsdownonthehero’sbreakfast—tableandcleansthemoverthepoorfellow’sfood。Shecomesintothedrawing—roomcleaningboots。
　　Shehasherownmethodofcleaningthem，too。Sherubsoffthemud，putsontheblacking，andpolishesupallwiththesamebrush。Theytakeanenormousamountofpolishing。Sheseemstodonothingelsealldaylongbutwalkaboutshiningoneboot，andshebreathesonitandrubsittillyouwonderthereisanyleatherleft，yetitneverseemstogetanybrighter，nor，indeed，canyouexpectitto，forwhenyoulookcloseyouseeitisapatent—leatherbootthatshehasbeenthrowingherselfawayuponallthistime。
　　Somebodyhasbeenhavingalarkwiththepoorgirl。
　　Thelodging—houseslaveybrushesherhairwiththebootbrushandblackstheendofhernosewithit。
　　Wewereacquaintedwithalodging—houseslaveyonce——arealone，wemean。ShewasthehandmaidenatahouseinBloomsburywhereweoncehungout。Shewasuntidyinherdress，itistrue，butshehadnotquitethatcastawayandgone—to—sleep—in—a—dust—binappearancethatwe，anearneststudentofthedrama，feltsheoughttopresent，andwequestionedheronedayonthesubject。
　　"Howisit，Sophronia，"wesaid，"thatyoudistantlyresembleahumanbeinginsteadofgivingonetheideaofananimatedrag—shop？Don’tyoueverpolishyournosewiththeblacking—brush，orrubcoalintoyourhead，orwashyourfaceintreacle，orputskewersintoyourhair，oranythingofthatsort，liketheydoonthestage？"
　　Shesaid:"Lordloveyou，whatshouldIwanttogoandbeaballyidiotlikethatfor？"
　　Andwehavenotlikedtoputthequestionelsewheresincethen。
　　Theothertypeofservant—girlonthestage——thevillaservant—girl——isaverydifferentpersonage。Sheisafetchinglittlething，dressesbewitchingly，andisalwaysclean。Herdutiesaretodustthelegsofthechairsinthedrawing—room。Thatistheonlyworksheeverhastodo，butitmustbeconfessedshedoesthatthoroughly。Shenevercomesintotheroomwithoutdustingthelegsofthesechairs，andsheduststhemagainbeforeshegoesout。
　　Ifanythingoughttobefreefromdustinastagehouse，itshouldbethelegsofthedrawing—roomchairs。
　　Sheisgoingtomarrytheman—servant，isthestageservant—girl，assoonastheyhavesavedupsufficientoutoftheirwagestobuyahotel。Theythinktheywillliketokeepahotel。Theydon’tunderstandabitaboutthebusiness，whichwebelieveisacomplicatedone，butthisdoesnottroublethemintheleast。
　　Theyquarrelagooddealovertheirlove—making，dothestageservant—girlandheryoungman，andtheyalwayscomeintothedrawing—roomtodoit。Theyhavegotthekitchen，andthereisthegarden（withafountainandmountainsinthebackground——youcanseeitthroughthewindow），butno！noplaceinoraboutthehouseisgoodenoughforthemtoquarrelinexceptthedrawing—room。Theyquarreltheresovigorouslythatiteveninterfereswiththedustingofthechair—legs。
　　Sheoughtnottobelonginsavingupsufficienttomarryon，forthegenerosityofpeopleonthestagetotheservantstheremakesoneseriouslyconsidertheadvisabilityofignoringtheunremunerativeprofessionsofordinarylifeandstartinganewandmorepromisingcareerasastageservant。
　　Nooneeverdreamsoftippingthestageservantwithlessthanasovereignwhentheyaskherifhermistressisathomeorgiveheralettertopost，andthereisquitearushattheendofthepiecetostufffive—poundnotesintoherhand。Thegoodoldmangivesherten。
　　Thestageservantisveryimpudenttohermistress，andthemaster——hefallsinlovewithheranditdoesupsetthehouseso。
　　Sometimestheservant—girlisgoodandfaithful，andthensheisIrish。Allgoodservant—girlsonthestageareIrish。
　　Allthemalevisitorsareexpectedtokissthestageservant—girlwhentheycomeintothehouse，andtodigherintheribsandtosay:"Doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl——click。"Theyalwayssaythis，andshelikesit。
　　Manyyearsago，whenwewereyoung，wethoughtwewouldseeifthingswerethesameoffthestage，andthenexttimewecalledatacertainfriend’shousewetriedthisbusinesson。
　　Shewasn’tquitesodazzlinglybeautifulastheyareonthestage，butwepassedthat。Sheshowedusupintothedrawing—room，andthensaidshewouldgoandtellhermistresswewerethere。
　　Wefeltthiswasthetimetobegin。Weskippedbetweenherandthedoor。Weheldourhatinfrontofus，cockedourheadononeside，andsaid:"Don’tgo！don’tgo！"
　　Thegirlseemedalarmed。Webegantogetalittlenervousourselves，butwehadbegunitandwemeanttogothroughwithit。
　　Wesaid，"Doyouknow，Jane"（hernamewasn’tJane，butthatwasn’tourfault），"doyouknow，Jane，Ithinkyou’reanuncommonlynicegirl，"andwesaid"click，"anddugherintheribswithourelbow，andthenchuckedherunderthechin。Thewholethingseemedtofallflat。Therewasnobodytheretolaughorapplaud。Wewishedwehadn’tdoneit。Itseemedstupidwhenyoucametothinkofit。Webegantofeelfrightened。Thebusinesswasn’tgoingasweexpected;
　　butwescrewedupourcourageandwenton。
　　Weputonthecustomaryexpressionofcomicimbecilityandbeckonedthegirltous。Wehaveneverseenthisfailonthestage。
　　Butthisgirlseemedmadewrong。Shegotbehindthesofaandscreamed"Help！"
　　Wehaveneverknownthemtodothisonthestage，anditthrewusoutinourplans。Wedidnotknowexactlywhattodo。Weregrettedthatwehadeverbegunthisjobandheartilywishedourselvesoutofit。
　　Butitappearedfoolishtopausethen，whenweweremorethanhalf—waythrough，andwemadearushtogetitover。
　　Wechivviedthegirlroundthesofaandcaughthernearthedoorandkissedher。Shescratchedourface，yelledpolice，murder，andfire，andfledfromtheroom。
　　Ourfriendcameinalmostimmediately。Hesaid:
　　"Isay，J。，oldman，areyoudrunk？"
　　Wetoldhimno，thatwewereonlyastudentofthedrama。Hiswifethenenteredinatoweringpassion。Shedidn’taskusifweweredrunk。Shesaid:
　　"Howdareyoucomehereinthisstate！"
　　Weendeavoredunsuccessfullytoinducehertobelievethatweweresober，andweexplainedthatourcourseofconductwaswhatwasalwayspursuedonthestage。
　　Shesaidshedidn’tcarewhatwasdoneonthestage，itwasn’tgoingtobepursuedinherhouse;andthatifherhusband’sfriendscouldn’tbehaveasgentlementheyhadbetterstopaway。
　　ThefollowingmorningwereceivedaletterfromafirmofsolicitorsinLincoln’sInnwithreference，sotheyputit，tothebrutalandunprovokedassaultcommittedbyusonthepreviousafternoonuponthepersonoftheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings。TheletterstatedthatwehadpunchedMissHemmingsintheside，struckherunderthechin，andafterward，seizingherasshewasleavingtheroom，proceededtocommitagrossassault，intotheparticularsofwhichitwasneedlessforthemtoenteratgreaterlength。
　　Itaddedthatifwewerepreparedtorenderanamplewrittenapologyandtopay50poundscompensation，theywouldadvisetheirclient，MissMatildaHemmings，toallowthemattertodrop;otherwisecriminalproceedingswouldatoncebecommencedagainstus。
　　Wetookthelettertoourownsolicitorsandexplainedthecircumstancestothem。Theysaiditseemedtobeaverysadcase，butadvisedustopaythe50pounds，andweborrowedthemoneyanddidso。
　　Sincethenwehavelostfaith，somehow，intheBritishdramaasaguidetotheconductoflife。
　　THECHILD。
　　Itisniceandquietandittalksprettily。
　　Wehavecomeacrossrealinfantsnowandtheninthecourseofvisitstomarriedfriends;theyhavebeenbroughttousfromoutlyingpartsofthehouseandintroducedtousforouredification;andwehavefoundthemgrittyandsticky。Theirbootshaveusuallybeenmuddy，andtheyhavewipedthemupagainstournewtrousers。Andtheirhairhassuggestedtheideathattheyhavebeenstandingontheirheadsinthedust—bin。
　　Andtheyhavetalkedtous——butnotprettily，notatall——ratherrudeweshouldcallit。
　　Butthestagechildisverydifferent。Itiscleanandtidy。Youcantouchitanywhereandnothingcomesoff。Itsfaceglowswithsoapandwater。Fromtheappearanceofitshandsitisevidentthatmud—piesandtararejoysunknowntoit。Asforitshair，thereissomethinguncannyaboutitssmoothnessandrespectability。Evenitsboot—lacesaredoneup。
　　Wehaveneverseenanythinglikethestagechildoutsideatheaterexceptingone——thatwasonthepavementinfrontofatailor’sshopinTottenhamCourtRoad。Hestoodonabitofroundwood，anditwasfifteenandnine，hisstyle。
　　Wethoughtinourignorancepriortothisthattherecouldnotbeanythingintheworldlikethestagechild，butyouseeweweremistaken。
　　ThestagechildisaffectionatetoitsparentsanditsnurseandisrespectfulinitsdemeanortowardthosewhomProvidencehasplacedinauthorityoverit;andsofaritiscertainlymuchtobepreferredtotherealarticle。Itspeaksofitsmaleandfemaleprogenitorsas"dear，dearpapa"and"dear，dearmamma，"anditreferstoitsnurseas"darlingnursey。"Weareconnectedwithayouthfulchildourselves——arealone——anephew。Healludestohisfather（whenhisfatherisnotpresent）as"theoldman，"andalwayscallsthenurse"oldnut—crackers。"Whycannottheymakerealchildrenwhosay"dear，dearmamma"and"dear，dearpapa？"
　　Thestagechildismuchsuperiortotheliveinfantineveryway。Thestagechilddoesnotgorampagingaboutahouseandscreechingandyellingtillnobodyknowswhethertheyareontheirheadsortheirheels。
　　Astagechilddoesnotgetupatfiveo’clockinthemorningtopracticeplayingonapennywhistle。Astagechildneverwantsabicycleanddrivesyoumadaboutit。Astagechilddoesnotasktwentycomplicatedquestionsaminuteaboutthingsthatyoudon’tunderstand，andthenwindupbyaskingwhyyoudon’tseemtoknowanything，andwhywouldn’tanybodyteachyouanythingwhenyouwerealittleboy。
　　Thestagechilddoesnotwearaholeintheseatofitsknickerbockersandhavetohaveapatchletin。Thestagechildcomesdownstairsonitsfeet。
　　Thestagechildneverbringshomesixotherchildrentoplayathorsesinthefrontgarden，andthenwantstoknowiftheycanallcomeintotea。Thestagechildneverhasthewooping—cough，andthemeasles，andeveryotherdiseasethatitcanlayitshandson，andbelaidupwiththemoneaftertheotherandturnthehouseupsidedown。
　　Thestagechild’sdepartmentintheschemeoflifeistoharrowupitsmother’sfeelingsbyill—timedanduncalled—forquestionsaboutitsfather。Italwayswantstoknow，beforearoomfulofpeople，where"dearpapa"is，andwhyhehasleftdearmamma;when，asalltheguestsknow，thepoormanisdoinghistwoyears’hardorwaitingtobehanged。Itmakeseverybodysouncomfortable。
　　Itisalwaysharrowingupsomebody——thestagechild;itreallyoughtnottobeleftaboutasitis。Whenithasdoneupsettingitsmotheritfishesoutsomebroken—heartedmaid，whohasjustbeencruellyseveredforeverfromherlover，andasksherinahighfalsettovoicewhyshedoesn’tgetmarried，andprattlestoheraboutlove，anddomesticbliss，andyoungmen，andanyothersubjectitcanthinkofparticularlycalculatedtolaceratethepoorgirl’sheartuntilherbrainnearlygivesway。
　　Afterthatitrunsamuckupanddownthewholeplayandmakeseverybodysitupallround。Itaskseminentlyrespectableoldmaidsiftheywouldn’tliketohaveababy;anditwantstoknowwhybald—headedoldmenhaveleftoffwearinghair，andwhyotheroldgentlemenhaverednosesandiftheywerealwaysthatcolor。
　　Insomeplaysitsohappensthatthelesssaidabouttheoriginandsourceofthestagechildthebetter;andinsuchcasesnothingwillappearsoimportanttothatcontrarybratastoknow，inthemiddleofanevening—party，whoitsfatherwas！
　　Everybodylovesthestagechild。Theycatchitupintheirbosomseveryotherminuteandweepoverit。Theytakeitinturnstodothis。
　　Nobody——onthestage，wemean——everhasenoughofthestagechild。
　　Nobodyevertellsthestagechildto"shutup"orto"getoutofthis。"Nobodyeverclumpsthestagechildoverthehead。
　　Whentherealchildgoestothetheateritmustnoticethesethingsandwishitwereastagechild。
　　Thestagechildismuchadmiredbytheaudience。Itspathosmakesthemweep;itstragedythrillsthem;itsdeclamation——asforinstancewhenittakesthecenterofthestageandsaysitwillkillthewickedman，andthepolice，andeverybodywhohurtsitsmar——stirsthemlikeatrumpetnote;anditslightcomedyisgenerallyheldtobethemosttrulyhumorousthinginthewholerangeofdramaticart。
　　Buttherearesomepeoplesostrangelyconstitutedthattheydonotappreciatethestagechild;theydonotcomprehenditsuses;theydonotunderstanditsbeauties。Weshouldnotbeangrywiththem。Weshouldtheratherpitythem。
　　Weourselveshadafriendoncewhosufferedfromthismisfortune。Hewasamarriedman，andProvidencehadbeenverygracious，verygoodtohim:hehadbeenblessedwithelevenchildren，andtheywereallgrowingupwellandstrong。