Buttheyaregenerallyonlyvillainsorlordsthatdescendtothissortofthing。Respectablestagefolkneverofferanythinglessthanapurse。
　　Therecipientisverygratefulonreceivingthepurse（heneverlooksinside）andthinksthatHeavenoughttorewardthedonor。TheygetalotofworkoutofHeavenonthestage。Heavendoesalltheoddjobsforthemthattheydon’twanttogotothetroubleandexpenseofdoingforthemselves。Heaven’schiefdutyonthestageistoseetotherepaymentofallthosesumsofmoneythataregivenorlenttothegoodpeople。Itisgenerallyrequestedtodothistothetuneofa"thousand—fold"——anexorbitantratewhenyoucometothinkofit。
　　Heavenisalsoexpectedtotakecarethatthevillaingetsproperlycursed，andtofillupitssparetimebybringingmisfortuneuponthelocallandlord。Ithastoavengeeverybodyandtohelpallthegoodpeoplewhenevertheyareintrouble。Andtheykeepitgoinginthisdirection。
　　AndwhentheheroleavesforprisonHeavenhastotakecareofhiswifeandchildtillhecomesout;andifthisisn’tahandfulforit，wedon’tknowwhatwouldbe！
　　Heavenonthestageisalwaysonthesideoftheheroandheroineandagainstthepolice。
　　Occasionally，oflateyears，thecomicmanhasbeenabadman，butyoucan’thatehimforit。Whatifhedoesruintheheroandrobtheheroineandhelptomurderthegoodoldman？Hedoesitallinsuchagenial，light—heartedspiritthatitisnotinone’shearttofeelangrywithhim。Itisthewayinwhichathingisdonethatmakesallthedifference。
　　Besides，hecanalwaysroundonhispal，theseriousvillain，attheend，andthatmakesitallright。
　　Thecomicmanisnotasportsman。Ifhegoesoutshooting，weknowthatwhenhereturnsweshallhearthathehasshotthedog。Ifhetakeshisgirloutontheriverheupsetsher（literallywemean）。
　　Thecomicmannevergoesoutforaday’spleasurewithoutcominghomeawreck。
　　Ifhemerelygoestoteawithhisgirlathermother’s，heswallowsamuffinandchokeshimself。
　　Thecomicmanisnothappyinhismarriedlife，nordoesitseemtousthathegoestherightwaytobeso。Hecallshiswife"hisoldDutchclock，""theoldgeyser，"andsuchliketermsofendearment，andaddressesherwithsuchremarksas"Ah，youoldcat，""Youuglyoldnutmeggrater，""Youorangamatang，you！"etc。，etc。
　　Well，youknowthatisnotthewaytomakethingspleasantaboutahouse。
　　Still，withallhisfaultswelikethecomicman。Heisnotalwaysintroubleandhedoesnotmakelongspeeches。
　　Letusblesshim。
　　THELAWYER。
　　Heisveryold，andverylong，andverythin。Hehaswhitehair。Hedressesinthecostumeofthelastgenerationbutseven。Hehasbushyeyebrowsandiscleanshaven。Hischinitchesconsiderably，sothathehastobealwaysscratchingit。Hisfavoriteremarkis"Ah！"
　　Inreallifewehaveheardofyoungsolicitors，offoppishsolicitors，ofshortsolicitors;butonthestagetheyarealwaysverythinandveryold。Theyoungeststagesolicitorweeverremembertohaveseenlookedaboutsixty——theoldestaboutahundredandforty—five。
　　Bythebye，itisneververysafetojudgepeople’sagesonthestagebytheirpersonalappearance。Wehaveknownoldladieswholookedseventy，iftheywereaday，turnouttobethemothersofboysoffourteen，whilethemiddle—agedhusbandoftheyoungwifegenerallygivesonetheideaofninety。
　　Again，whatappearsatfirstsighttobeacomfortable—lookingandeminentlyrespectableelderlyladyisoftendiscoveredtobe，inreality，agiddy，girlish，andinexperiencedyoungthing，theprideofthevillageorthedarlingoftheregiment。
　　So，too，anexceptionallystoutandshort—windedoldgentleman，wholooksasifhehadbeenlivingtoowellandtakingtoolittleexerciseforthelastforty—fiveyears，isnottheheavyfather，asyoumightimagineifyoujudgedfrommereexternalevidence，butawild，recklessboy。
　　Youwouldnotthinksotolookathim，buthisonlyfaultsarethatheissoyoungandlight—headed。Thereisgoodinhim，however，andhewillnodoubtbesteadyenoughwhenhegrowsup。Alltheyoungmenoftheneighborhoodworshiphimandthegirlslovehim。
　　"Herehecomes，"theysay;"dear，dearoldJack——Jack，thedarlingboy——theheadstrongyouth——Jack，theleaderofourjuvenilesports——Jack，whosechildishinnocencewinsallhearts。Threecheersfordancing，bright—eyedJack！"
　　Ontheotherhand，ladieswiththecomplexionofeighteenare，youlearnasthestoryprogresses，quiteelderlywomen，themothersofmiddle—agedheroes。
　　Theexperiencedobserverofstage—landneverjumpstoconclusionsfromwhathesees。Hewaitstillheistoldthings。
　　Thestagelawyerneverhasanyofficeofhisown。Hetransactsallhisbusinessathisclients’houses。Hewilltravelhundredsofmilestotellthemthemosttrivialpieceoflegalinformation。
　　Itneveroccurstohimhowmuchsimpleritwouldbetowritealetter。
　　Theitemfor"travelingexpenses"inhisbillofcostsmustbesomethingenormous。
　　Therearetwomomentsinthecourseofhisclient’scareerthatthestagelawyerparticularlyenjoys。Thefirstiswhentheclientcomesunexpectedlyintoafortune;thesecondwhenheunexpectedlylosesit。
　　Intheformercase，uponlearningthegoodnewsthestagelawyeratonceleaveshisbusinessandhurriesofftotheotherendofthekingdomtobearthegladtidings。Hearrivesatthehumbledomicileofthebeneficiaryinquestion，sendsuphiscard，andisusheredintothefrontparlor。Heentersmysteriouslyandsitsleft——clientsitsright。Anordinary，commonlawyerwouldcometothepointatonce，statethematterinaplain，business—likeway，andtrustthathemighthavethepleasureofrepresenting，etc。，etc。;butsuchsimplemethodsarenotthoseofthestagelawyer。Helooksattheclientandsays:
　　"Youhadafather。"
　　Theclientstarts。Howonearthdidthiscalm，thin，keen—eyedoldmaninblackknowthathehadafather？Heshufflesandstammers，butthequiet，impenetrablelawyerfixeshiscold，glassyeyeonhim，andheishelpless。Subterfuge，hefeels，isuseless，andamazed，bewilderedattheknowledgeofhismostprivateaffairspossessedbyhisstrangevisitant，headmitsthefact:hehadafather。
　　Thelawyersmileswithaquietsmileoftriumphandscratcheshischin。
　　"Youhadamother，too，ifIaminformedcorrectly，"hecontinues。
　　Itisidleattemptingtoescapethisman’ssupernaturalacuteness，andtheclientownsuptohavinghadamotheralso。
　　Fromthisthelawyergoesontocommunicatetotheclient，asagreatsecret，thewholeofhis（theclient’s）historyfromhiscradleupward，andalsothehistoryofhisnearerrelatives，andinlessthanhalfanhourfromtheoldman’sentrance，orsayfortyminutesattheoutside，theclientalmostknowswhatthebusinessisabout。
　　Ontheotheroccasion，whentheclienthaslosthisfortune，thestagelawyerisevenstillhappier。Hecomesdownhimselftotellthemisfortune（hewouldnotmissthejobforworlds），andhetakescaretochoosethemostunpropitiousmomentpossibleforbreakingthenews。
　　Ontheeldestdaughter’sbirthday，whenthereisabigpartyon，ishisfavoritetime。Hecomesinaboutmidnightandtellsthemjustastheyaregoingdowntosupper。
　　Hehasnoideaofbusinesshours，hasthestagelawyer——tomakethethingasunpleasantaspossibleseemstobehisonlyanxiety。
　　Ifhecannotworkitforabirthday，thenhewaitstillthere’saweddingon，andgetsupearlyinthemorningonpurposetorundownandspoiltheshow。Toenteramongacrowdofhappy，joyousfellow—creaturesandleavethemutterlycrushedandmiserableisthestagelawyer’shobby。
　　Thestagelawyerisaverytalkativegentleman。Heregardsthetellingofhisclient’smostprivateaffairstoeverystrangerthathemeetsaspartofhisprofessionalduties。Agoodgossipwithafewchanceacquaintancesaboutthefamilysecretsofhisemployersisfoodanddrinkforthestagelawyer。
　　Theyallgoabouttellingtheirownandtheirfriends’secretstoperfectstrangersonthestage。Whenevertwopeoplehavefiveminutestospareonthestagetheytelleachotherthestoryoftheirlives。
　　"SitdownandIwilltellyouthestoryofmylife"isthestageequivalentforthe"Comeandhaveadrink"oftheoutsideworld。
　　Thegoodstagelawyerhasgenerallynursedtheheroineonhiskneewhenababy（whenshewasababy，wemean）——whenshewasonlysohigh。
　　Itseemstohavebeenapartofhisprofessionalduties。Thegoodstagelawyeralsokissesalltheprettygirlsintheplayandisexpectedtochuckthehousemaidunderthechin。Itisgoodtobeagoodstagelawyer。
　　Thegoodstagelawyeralsowipesawayatearwhensadthingshappen;
　　andheturnsawaytodothisandblowshisnose，andsayshethinkshehasaflyinhiseye。Thistouchingtraitinhischaracterisalwaysheldingreatesteembytheaudienceandismuchapplauded。
　　Thegoodstagelawyerisneverbyanychanceamarriedman。（Fewgoodmenare，sowegatherfromourmarriedladyfriends。）Helovedinearlylifetheheroine’smother。That"saintedwoman"（tearandnosebusiness）diedandisnowamongtheangels——thegentlemanwhodidmarryher，bythebye，isnotquitesosureaboutthislatterpoint，butthelawyerisfixedontheidea。
　　Instageliteratureofafrivolousnaturethelawyerisaverydifferentindividual。Incomedyheisyoung，hepossesseschambers，andheismarried（thereisnodoubtaboutthislatterfact）;andhiswifeandhismother—in—lawspendmostofthedayinhisofficeandmakethedulloldplacequitelivelyforhim。
　　Heonlyhasoneclient。Sheisaniceladyandaffable，butherantecedentsaredoubtful，andsheseemstobenobetterthansheoughttobe——possiblyworse。Butanyhowsheisthesolebusinessthatthepoorfellowhas——is，infact，hisonlysourceofincome，andmight，onewouldthink，undersuchcircumstancesbeaccordedawelcomebyhisfamily。Buthiswifeandhismother—in—law，onthecontrary，takeaviolentdisliketoher，andthelawyerhastoputherinthecoal—scuttleorlockherupinthesafewheneverhehearseitherofthesefemalerelativesofhiscomingupthestairs。
　　Weshouldnotcaretobetheclientofafarcicalcomedystagelawyer。
　　Legaltransactionsaretryingtothenervesunderthemostfavorablecircumstances;conductedbyafarcicalstagelawyer，thebusinesswouldbetooexcitingforus。
　　THEADVENTURESS。
　　Shesitsonatableandsmokesacigarette。Acigaretteonthestageisalwaysthebadgeofinfamy。
　　Inreallifethecigaretteisusuallythehall—markoftheparticularlymildandharmlessindividual。ItisthedissipationoftheY。M。C。A。;theinnocentjoyofthepure—heartedboylongerethedemoralizinginfluenceofourvauntedcivilizationhasdraggedhimdownintothedepthsoftheshortclay。
　　Butbehindthecigaretteonthestagelurkseverblack—heartedvillainyandabandonedwomanhood。
　　Theadventuressisgenerallyofforeignextraction。TheydonotmakebadwomeninEngland——thearticleisentirelyofcontinentalmanufactureandhastobeimported。ShespeaksEnglishwithacharminglittleFrenchaccent，andshemakesupforthisbyspeakingFrenchwithagoodsoundEnglishone。
　　Sheseemsasmartbusinesswoman，andshewouldprobablygetonverywellifitwerenotforherfriendsandrelations。Friendsandrelationsareatryingclassofpeopleeveninreallife，asweallknow，butthefriendsandrelationsofthestageadventuressareaparticularlyirritatinglot。Theyneverleaveher;neverdoesshegetadayoranhourofffromthem。Wherevershegoes，therethewholetribegoeswithher。
　　Theyallgowithherinabodywhenshecallsonheryoungman，anditisasmuchasshecandotopersuadethemtogointothenextroomevenforfiveminutes，andgiveherachance。Whensheismarriedtheycomeandlivewithher。
　　Theyknowherdreadfulsecretanditkeepsthemincomfortforyears。
　　Knowingsomebody’ssecretseems，onthestage，tobeoneofthemostprofitableandleastexhaustingprofessionsgoing。
　　Sheisfondofmarriedlife，istheadventuress，andshegoesinforitprettyextensively。Shehashusbandsallovertheglobe，mostoftheminprison，buttheyescapeandturnupinthelastactandspoilallthepoorgirl’splans。Thatissolikehusbands——noconsideration，nothoughtfortheirpoorwives。Theyarenotaprepossessinglot，either，thoseearlyhusbandsofhers。Whatshecouldhaveseeninthemtoinducehertomarrythemisindeedamystery。
　　Theadventuressdressesmagnificently。Whereshegetsthemoneyfromwenevercouldunderstand，forsheandhercompanionsarealwaysmoreorlesscomplainingofbeing"stonebroke。"Dressmakersmustbeatrustingpeoplewhereshecomesfrom。
　　Theadventuressisliketheproverbialcatasregardsthenumberoflivessheispossessedof。Youneverknowwhensheisreallydead。
　　Mostpeopleliketodieonceandhavedonewithit，buttheadventuress，afteronceortwicetryingit，seemstogetquitetolikeit，andgoesongivingwaytoit，andthenitgrowsuponheruntilshecan’thelpherself，anditbecomesasortofcravingwithher。
　　Thishabitofhersis，however，averytryingoneforherfriendsandhusbands——itmakesthingssouncertain。Somethingoughttobedonetobreakherofit。Herhusbands，onhearingthatsheisdead，gointorapturesandrushoffandmarryotherpeople，andthenjustastheyarestartingoffontheirnewhoneymoonupshecropsagain，asfreshaspaint。Itisreallymostannoying。
　　Forourselves，werewethehusbandofastageadventuressweshouldnever，afterwhatwehaveseenofthespecies，feelquitejustifiedinbelievinghertobedeadunlesswehadkilledandburiedherourselves;andeventhenweshouldbemoreeasyinourmindsifwecouldarrangetositonhergraveforaweekorsoafterward。Thesewomenaresoartful！
　　Butitisnotonlytheadventuresswhowillpersistincomingtolifeagaineverytimesheisslaughtered。Theyalldoitonthestage。
　　Theyareallsounreliableinthisrespect。Itmustbemostdishearteningtothemurderers。
　　Andthen，again，itissomethingextraordinary，whenyoucometothinkofit，whatatremendousamountofkillingsomeofthemcanstandandstillcomeupsmilinginthenextact，notapennytheworseforit。
　　Theygetstabbed，andshot，andthrownoverprecipicesthousandsoffeethighand，blessyou，itdoesthemgood——itislikeatonictothem。
　　Asfortheyoungmanthatiscominghometoseehisgirl，yousimplycan’tkillhim。Achilleswasasummerrosecomparedwithhim。Natureandmankindhavenotsufficientmaterialsinhandasyettokillthatman。Sciencehasbutthestrengthofapulingbabeagainsthisinvulnerability。Youcanwasteyourtimeonearthquakesandshipwrecks，volcaniceruptions，floods，explosions，railwayaccidents，andsuchlikesortofthings，ifyouarefoolishenoughtodoso;butitisnogoodyourimaginingthatanythingofthekindcanhurthim，becauseitcan’t。
　　Therewillbethousandsofpeoplekilled，thousandsineachinstance，butonehumanbeingwillalwaysescape，andthatonehumanbeingwillbethestageyoungmanwhoiscominghometoseehisgirl。
　　Heisforeverbeingreportedasdead，butitalwaysturnsouttobeanotherfellowwhowaslikehimorwhohadonhis（theyoungman’s）
　　hat。Heisboundtobeoutofit，whoeverelsemaybein。
　　"IfIhadbeenatmypostthatday，"heexplainstohissobbingmother，"Ishouldhavebeenblownup，buttheProvidencethatwatchesovergoodmenhadordainedthatIshouldbelayingblinddrunkinBlogg’ssaloonatthetimetheexplosiontookplace，andsotheotherengineer，whohadbeendoingmyworkwhenitwashisturntobeoff，waskilledalongwiththewholeofthecrew。"
　　"Ah，thankHeaven，thankHeavenforthat！"ejaculatesthepiousoldlady，andthecomicmanissoovercomewithdevoutjoythathehastorelievehisoverstrainedheartbydrawinghisyoungwomanononesideandgrosslyinsultingher。
　　Allattemptstokillthisyoungmanoughtreallytobegivenupnow。
　　Thejobhasbeentriedoverandoveragainbyvillainsandbadpeopleofallkinds，butnoonehaseversucceeded。Therehasbeenanamountofenergyandingenuityexpendedinseekingtolayupthatonemanwhich，properlyutilized，mighthavefinishedofftenmillionordinarymortals。Itissadtothinkofsomuchwastedeffort。
　　He，theyoungmancominghometoseehisgirl，neednevertakeaninsuranceticketorevenbuya_TitBits_。Itwouldbeneedlessexpenditureinhiscase。
　　Ontheotherhand，andtomakemattersequal，asitwere，therearesomestagepeoplesodelicatethatitisnextdoortoimpossibletokeepthemalive。
　　Theinconvenienthusbandisamostpatheticexampleofthis。Medicalscienceispowerlesstosavethatmanwhenthelastactcomesround;
　　indeed，wedoubtwhethermedicalscience，initspresentstateofdevelopment，couldeventellwhatisthematterwithhimorwhyhediesatall。Helookshealthyandrobustenoughandnobodytoucheshim，yetdownhedrops，withoutawordofwarning，stone—dead，inthemiddleofthefloor——healwaysdiesinthemiddleofthefloor。Somefolksliketodieinbed，butstagepeopledon’t。Theyliketodieonthefloor。Weallhaveourdifferenttastes。
　　Theadventuressherselfisanotherpersonwhodieswithremarkableease。Wesupposeinhercaseitisbeingsousedtoitthatmakeshersoquickandcleveratit。Thereisnolingeringillnessanddoctors’
　　billsandupsettingofthewholehouseholdarrangementsabouthermethod。Onewalkroundthestageandthethingisdone。
　　Allbadcharactersdiequicklyonthestage。Goodcharacterstakealongtimeoverit，andhaveasofadowninthedrawing—roomtodoiton，andhavesobbingrelativesandgoodolddoctorsfoolingaroundthem，andcansmileandforgiveeverybody。Badstagecharactershavetodothewholejob，dyingspeechandall，inabouttenseconds，anddoitwithalltheirclothesonintothebargain，whichmustmakeitmostuncomfortable。
　　Itisrepentancethatkillsoffthebadpeopleinplays。Theyalwaysrepent，andthemomenttheyrepenttheydie。Repentanceonthestageseemstobeoneofthemostdangerousthingsamancanbetakenwith。