Hedoesnotstintherindress。
　　Thestagevillainissuperiortothevillainofreallife。Thevillainofreallifeisactuatedbymeresordidandselfishmotives。
　　Thestagevillaindoesvillainy，notforanypersonaladvantagetohimself，butmerelyfromtheloveofthethingasanart。Villainyistohimitsownreward;herevelsinit。
　　"Betterfarbepoorandvillainous，"hesaystohimself，"thanpossessallthewealthoftheIndieswithaclearconscience。Iwillbeavillain，"hecries。"Iwill，atgreatexpenseandinconveniencetomyself，murderthegoodoldman，gettheheroaccusedofthecrime，andmakelovetohiswifewhileheisinprison。Itwillbeariskyandlaboriousbusinessformefrombeginningtoend，andcanbringmenopracticaladvantagewhatever。ThegirlwillcallmeinsultingnameswhenIpayheravisit，andwillpushmeviolentlyinthechestwhenIgetnearher;hergolden—hairedinfantwillsayIamabadmanandmayevenrefusetokissme。Thecomicmanwillcovermewithhumorousopprobrium，andthevillagerswillgetadayoffandhangaboutthevillagepubandhootme。Everybodywillseethroughmyvillainy，andIshallbenabbedintheend。Ialwaysam。Butitisnomatter，Iwillbeavillain——ha！ha！"
　　Onthewhole，thestagevillainappearstoustobearatherbadlyusedindividual。Heneverhasany"estates"orpropertyhimself，andhisonlychanceofgettingonintheworldistosneakthehero’s。Hehasanaffectionatedisposition，andneverhavinganywifeofhisownheiscompelledtoloveotherpeople’s;buthisaffectioniseverunrequited，andeverythingcomeswrongforhimintheend。
　　Ouradvicetostagevillainsgenerally，aftercarefulobservationof（stage）lifeand（stage）humannature，isasfollows:
　　Neverbeastagevillainatallifyoucanhelpit。Thelifeistooharassingandtheremunerationaltogetherdisproportionatetotherisksandlabor。
　　Ifyouhaverunawaywiththeclergyman’sdaughterandshestillclingstoyou，donotthrowherdowninthecenterofthestageandcallhernames。Itonlyirritatesher，andshetakesadisliketoyouandgoesandwarnstheothergirl。
　　Don’thavetoomanyaccomplices;andifyouhavegotthem，don’tkeepsneeringatthemandbullyingthem。Awordfromthemcanhangyou，andyetyoudoallyoucantorilethem。Treatthemcivillyandletthemhavetheirfairshareoftheswag。
　　Bewareofthecomicman。Whenyouarecommittingamurderorrobbingasafeyouneverlooktoseewherethecomicmanis。Youaresocarelessinthatway。Onthewhole，itmightbeaswellifyoumurderedthecomicmanearlyintheplay。
　　Don’tmakelovetothehero’swife。Shedoesn’tlikeyou;howcanyouexpectherto？Besides，itisn’tproper。Whydon’tyougetagirlofyourown？
　　Lastly，don’tgodowntothescenesofyourcrimesinthelastact。
　　Youalwayswilldothis。Wesupposeitissomeextracheapexcursiondowntherethatattractsyou。Buttakeouradviceanddon’tgo。Thatisalwayswhereyougetnabbed。Thepoliceknowyourhabitsfromexperience。Theydonottroubletolookforyou。Theygodowninthelastacttotheoldhallortheruinedmillwhereyoudidthedeedandwaitforyou。
　　Inninecasesoutoftenyouwouldgetoffscot—freebutforthisidioticcustomofyours。Dokeepawayfromtheplace。Goabroadortothesea—sidewhenthelastactbeginsandstoptheretillitisover。Youwillbesafethen。
　　THEHEROINE。
　　Sheisalwaysintrouble——anddon’tsheletyouknowit，too！Herlifeisundeniablyahardone。Nothinggoesrightwithher。Weallhaveourtroubles，butthestageheroineneverhasanythingelse。IfsheonlygotoneafternoonaweekofffromtroubleorhadherSundaysfreeitwouldbesomething。
　　Butno;misfortunestalksbesideherfromweek’sbeginningtoweek’send。
　　Afterherhusbandhasbeenfoundguiltyofmurder，whichisabouttheleastthingthatcaneverhappentohim，andherwhite—hairedfatherhasbecomeabankruptandhasdiedofabrokenheart，andthehomeofherchildhoodhasbeensoldup，thenherinfantgoesandcontractsalingeringfever。
　　Sheweepsagooddealduringthecourseofhertroubles，whichwesupposeisonlynaturalenough，poorwoman。Butitisdepressingfromthepointofviewoftheaudience，andwealmostwishbeforetheeveningisoutthatshehadnotgotquitesomuchtrouble。
　　Itisoverthechildthatshedoesmostofherweeping。Thechildhasadamptimeofitaltogether。Wesometimeswonderthatitnevercatchesrheumatism。
　　Sheisverygood，isthestageheroine。Thecomicmanexpressesabeliefthatsheisabornangel。Shereproveshimforthiswithatearfulsmile（itwouldn’tbehersmileifitwasn’ttearful）。
　　"Oh，no，"shesays（sadlyofcourse）;"Ihavemany，manyfaults。"
　　Weratherwishthatshewouldshowthemalittlemore。Herexcessivegoodnessseemssomehowtopalluponus。Ouronlyconsolationwhilewatchingheristhattherearenotmanygoodwomenoffthestage。
　　Lifeisbadenoughasitis;ifthereweremanywomeninreallifeasgoodasthestageheroine，itwouldbeunbearable。
　　Thestageheroine’sonlypleasureinlifeistogooutinasnow—stormwithoutanumbrellaandwithnobonneton。Shehasabonnet，weknow（ratheratastefullittlething）;wehaveseenithangingupbehindthedoorofherroom;butwhenshecomesoutforanightstrollduringaheavysnow—storm（accompaniedbythunder），sheismostcarefultoleaveitathome。Maybeshefearsthesnowwillspoilit，andsheisacarefulgirl。
　　Shealwaysbringsherchildoutwithherontheseoccasions。Sheseemstothinkthatitwillfreshenitup。Thechilddoesnotappreciatethesnowasmuchasshedoes。Hesaysit’scold。
　　Onethingthatmustirritatethestageheroineverymuchontheseoccasionsisthewayinwhichthesnowseemstolieinwaitforherandfollowherabout。Itisquiteafinenightbeforeshecomesonthescene:themomentsheappearsitbeginstosnow。Itsnowsheavilyallthewhilesheremainsabout，andtheinstantshegoesitclearsupagainandkeepsdryfortherestoftheevening。
　　Thewaythesnow"goes"forthatpoorwomanismostunfair。Italwayssnowsmuchheavierintheparticularspotwheresheissittingthanitdoesanywhereelseinthewholestreet。Why，wehavesometimesseenaheroinesittinginthemidstofablindingsnow—stormwhiletheothersideoftheroadwasasdryasabone。Anditneverseemedtooccurtohertocrossover。
　　Wehaveevenknownamorethanunusuallymalignantsnow—stormtofollowaheroinethreetimesroundthestageandthengooff（R。）withher。
　　Ofcourseyoucan’tgetawayfromasnow—stormlikethat！Astagesnow—stormisthekindofsnow—stormthatwouldfollowyouupstairsandwanttocomeintobedwithyou。
　　Anothercuriousthingaboutthesestagesnow—stormsisthatthemoonisalwaysshiningbrightlythroughthewholeofthem。Anditshinesonlyontheheroine，anditfollowsheraboutjustlikethesnowdoes。
　　Nobodyfullyunderstandswhatawonderfulworkofnaturethemoonisexceptpeopleacquaintedwiththestage。Astronomyteachesyousomethingaboutthemoon，butyoulearnagooddealmorefromafewvisitstoatheater。Youwillfindfromthelatterthatthemoononlyshinesonheroesandheroines，withperhapsanoccasionalbeamonthecomicman:italwaysgoesoutwhenitseesthevillaincoming。
　　Itissurprising，too，howquicklythemooncangooutonthestage。
　　Atonemomentitisridinginfullradianceinthemidstofacloudlesssky，andthenextinstantitisgone！Justasthoughithadbeenturnedoffatameter。Itmakesyouquitegiddyatfirstuntilyougetusedtoit。
　　Thestageheroineisinclinedtothoughtfulnessratherthangayety。
　　Inhercheerfulmomentsthestageheroinethinkssheseesthespiritofhermother，ortheghostofherfather，orshedreamsofherdeadbaby。
　　Butthisisonlyinherverymerrymoods。Asarule，sheistoomuchoccupiedwithweepingtohavetimeforfrivolousreflections。
　　Shehasagreatflowoflanguageandawonderfulgiftofmetaphorandsimile——moreforciblethanelegant——andthismightberathertryinginawifeunderordinarycircumstances。Butastheheroisgenerallysentencedtotenyears’penalservitudeonhiswedding—morn，heescapesforaperiodfromadangerthatmightwellappallalessfortunatebridegroom。
　　Sometimesthestageheroinehasabrother，andifsoheissuretobemistakenforherlover。Wenevercameacrossabrotherandsisterinreallifewhoevergavethemostsuspiciouspersonanygroundsformistakingthemforlovers;butthestagebrotherandsisteraresoaffectionatethattheerrorisexcusable。
　　Andwhenthemistakedoesoccurandthehusbandcomesinsuddenlyandfindsthemkissingandravesshedoesn’tturnroundandsay:
　　"Why，yousillycuckoo，it’sonlymybrother。"
　　Thatwouldbesimpleandsensible，andwouldnotsuitthestageheroineatall。No;shedoesallinherpowertomakeeverybodybelieveitistrue，sothatshecansufferinsilence。
　　Shedoessolovetosuffer。
　　Marriageisundoubtedlyafailureinthecaseofthestageheroine。
　　Ifthestageheroinewerewelladvisedshewouldremainsingle。Herhusbandmeanswell。Heisdecidedlyaffectionate。Butheisunfortunateandinexperiencedinworldlyaffairs。Thingscomerightforhimattheendoftheplay，itistrue;butwewouldnotrecommendtheheroinetoplacetoomuchrelianceuponthecontinuanceofthishappystateofaffairs。Fromwhatwehaveseenofherhusbandandhisbusinesscapabilitiesduringthefiveactspreceding，weareinclinedtodoubtthepossibilityofhisbeinganythingbutunfortunatetotheendofhiscareer。
　　True，hehasatlastgothis"rights"（whichhewouldneverhavelosthadhehadaheadinsteadofasentimentalbladderonhisshoulders），theVillainishandcuffed，andheandtheheroinehavesettleddowncomfortablynextdoortothecomicman。
　　Butthisheavenlyexistencewillneverlast。Thestageherowasbuiltfortrouble，andhewillbeinitagaininanothermonth，youbet。
　　They’llgetupanothermortgageforhimonthe"estates;"andhewon’tknow，blessyou，whetherhereallydidsignitorwhetherhedidn’t，andouthewillgo。
　　Andhe’llslophisnameabouttodocumentswithouteverlookingtoseewhathe’sdoing，andbeletinforLordknowswhat;andanotherwifewillturnupforhimthathehadmarriedwhenaboyandforgottenallabout。
　　Andthenextcorpsethatcomestothevillagehe’llgetmixedupwith——sureto——andhaveitlaidtohisdoor，andthere’llbealltheoldbusinessoveragain。
　　No，ouradvicetothestageheroineistogetridoftheheroassoonaspossible，marrythevillain，andgoandliveabroadsomewherewherethecomicmanwon’tcomefoolingaround。
　　Shewillbemuchhappier。
　　THECOMICMAN。
　　Hefollowstheheroallovertheworld。Thisisroughonthehero。
　　Whatmakeshimsogoneontheheroisthatwhentheywereboystogethertheherousedtoknockhimdownandkickhim。Thecomicmanremembersthiswithaglowofpridewhenheisgrownup，anditmakeshimlovetheheroanddeterminetodevotehislifetohim。
　　Heisamanofhumblestation——thecomicman。Thevillageblacksmithorapeddler。Youneverseearichoraristocraticcomicmanonthestage。Youcanhaveyourchoiceonthestage;youcanbefunnyandoflowlyorigin，oryoucanbewell—to—doandwithoutanysenseofhumor。
　　Peersandpolicemenarethepeoplemostutterlydevoidofhumoronthestage。
　　Thechiefdutyofthecomicman’slifeistomakelovetoservant—girls，andtheyslaphisface;butitdoesnotdiscouragehim;
　　heseemstobemoresmittenbythemthanever。
　　Thecomicmanishappyunderanyfate，andhesaysfunnythingsatfuneralsandwhenthebailiffsareinthehouseortheheroiswaitingtobehanged。
　　Thissortofmanisrathertryinginreallife。Inreallifesuchamanwouldprobablybeslaughteredtodeathandburiedatanearlyperiodofhiscareer，butonthestagetheyputupwithhim。
　　Heisverygood，isthecomicman。Hecan’tbearvillainy。Tothwartvillainyishislife’sambition，andinthisnobleobjectfortunebackshimupgrandly。Badpeoplecomeandcommittheirmurdersandtheftsrightunderhisnose，sothathecandenouncetheminthelastact。
　　Theyneverseehimthere，standingclosebesidethem，whiletheyareperformingthesefearfulcrimes。
　　Itismarveloushowshort—sightedpeopleonthestageare。Wealwaysthoughtthattheyoungladyinreallifewasmoderatelygoodatnotseeingfolksshedidnotwanttowhentheywerestandingstraightinfrontofher，butherafflictioninthisdirectionisasnothingcomparedwiththatofherbrothersandsistersonthestage。
　　Theseunfortunatepeoplecomeintoroomswheretherearecrowdsofpeopleabout——peoplethatitismostimportantthattheyshouldsee，andowingtonotseeingwhomtheygetthemselvesintofearfultrouble，andtheynevernoticeanyofthem。Theytalktosomebodyopposite，andtheycan’tseeathirdpersonthatisstandingbangbetweenthetwoofthem。
　　Youmightfancytheyworeblinkers。
　　Then，again，theirhearingissoterriblyweak。Itreallyoughttobeseento。Peopletalkandchatterattheverytopoftheirvoicesclosebehindthem，andtheyneverhearaword——don’tknowanybody’sthere，even。Afterithasbeengoingonforhalfanhour，andthepeople"upstage"havemadethemselveshoarsewithshouting，andsomebodyhasbeenboisterouslymurderedandallthefurnitureupset，thenthepeople"downstage""thinktheyhearanoise。"
　　Thecomicmanalwaysrowswithhiswifeifheismarriedorwithhissweetheartifheisnotmarried。Theyquarrelalldaylong。Itmustbeatryinglife，youwouldthink，buttheyappeartolikeit。
　　Howthecomicmanlivesandsupportshiswife（shelooksasifitwantedsomethingtosupporther，too）andfamilyisalwaysamysterytous。Aswehavesaid，heisnotarichmanandheneverseemstoearnanymoney。Sometimeshekeepsashop，andinthewayhemanagesbusinessitmustbeanexpensivethingtokeep，forheneverchargesanybodyforanything，heissogenerous。Allhiscustomersseemtobepeoplemoreorlessintrouble，andhecan’tfinditinhishearttoaskthemtopayfortheirgoodsundersuchdistressingcircumstances。
　　Hestuffstheirbasketfullwithtwiceasmuchastheycametobuy，pushestheirmoneybackintotheirhands，andwipesawayatear。
　　Whydoesn’tacomicmancomeandsetupagrocerystoreinourneighborhood？
　　Whentheshopdoesnotprovesufficientlyprofitable（asundertheabove—explainedmethodsometimeshappenstobethecase）thecomicman’swifeseekstoaddtotheincomebytakinginlodgers。Thisisabadmoveonherpart，foritalwaysendsinthelodgerstakingherin。
　　Theheroandheroine，whoseemtohavebeenwaitingforsomethingofthesort，immediatelycomeandtakepossessionofthewholehouse。
　　Ofcoursethecomicmancouldnotthinkofchargingformereboardandlodgingthemanwhoknockedhimdownwhentheywereboystogether！
　　Besides，wasnottheheroine（nowthehero’swife）thesweetestandtheblithestgirlinallthevillageofDeepdale？（Theymusthavebeenagloomyband，theothers！）Howcananyonewithahumanheartbeneathhisbosomsuggestthatpeoplelikethatshouldpayfortheirrestandwashing？Thecomicmanisshockedathiswifeforeventhinkingofsuchathing，andtheendofitisthatMr。andMrs。Herolivetherefortherestoftheplayrentfree;coals，soap，candles，andhair—oilforthechildbeingprovidedforthemonthesameterms。
　　Theheroraisesvagueandfeebleobjectionstothisarrangementnowandagain。Hesayshewillnothearofsuchathing，thathewillstaynolongertobeaburdenuponthesehonestfolk，butwillgoforthuntotheroadsideandtherestarve。Thecomicmanhasawfulworkwithhim，butwinsatlastandpersuadesthenoblefellowtostoponandgivetheplaceanothertrial。
　　When，amorningorsoafterwitnessingoneofthesebeautifulscenes，ourownlandladyknocksatourdoorandcreatesadisturbanceoverapaltrymatterofthreeorfourweeks’rent，andsaysshe’llhavehermoneyoroutwegothatveryday，anddriftsslowlyawaydowntowardthekitchen，abusingusinarisingvoiceasshedescends，thenwethinkofthesethingsandgrowsad。
　　Itistheexampleofthepeopleroundhimthatmakesthecomicmansogenerous。Everybodyisgenerousonthestage。Theyaregivingawaytheirpursesalldaylong;thatistheregulation"tip"onthestage——one’spurse。Themomentyouhearataleofwoe，yougrabitoutofyourpocket，slapitintothewoe—er’spalm，griphishand，dashawayatear，andexit;youdon’tevenleaveyourselfa’busfarehome。Youwalkbackquicklyandgetanotherpurse。
　　Middle—classpeopleandothersonthestagewhoareshortofpurseshavetocontentthemselveswiththrowingaboutrollsofbank—notesandtippingservantswithfive—poundchecks。Verystingypeopleonthestagehavebeenknowntobesocussedmeanastogiveawaymeresovereigns。