TO
　　THATHIGHLYRESPECTABLEBUTUNNECESSARILY
　　RETIRINGINDIVIDUAL，OFWHOM
　　WEHEARSOMUCH
　　BUT
　　SEESOLITTLE，"THEEARNESTSTUDENTOFTHEDRAMA，"
　　THIS
　　（COMPARATIVELY）TRUTHFULLITTLEBOOK
　　ISLOVINGLYDEDICATED。
　　CONTENTS。
　　THEHERO
　　THEVILLAIN
　　THEHEROINE
　　THECOMICMAN
　　THELAWYER
　　THEADVENTURESS
　　THESERVANTGIRL
　　THECHILD
　　THECOMICLOVERS
　　THEPEASANTS
　　THEGOODOLDMAN
　　THEIRISHMAN
　　THEDETECTIVE
　　THESAILOR
　　STAGE—LAND。
　　THEHERO。
　　HisnameisGeorge，generallyspeaking。"CallmeGeorge！"hesaystotheheroine。ShecallshimGeorge（inaverylowvoice，becausesheissoyoungandtimid）。Thenheishappy。
　　Thestageheroneverhasanyworktodo。Heisalwayshangingaboutandgettingintotrouble。Hischiefaiminlifeistobeaccusedofcrimeshehasnevercommitted，andifhecanmuddlethingsupwithacorpseinsomecomplicatedwaysoastogethimselfreasonablymistakenforthemurderer，hefeelshisdayhasnotbeenwasted。
　　Hehasawonderfulgiftofspeechandaflowoflanguagecalculatedtostriketerrortothebravestheart。Itisagrandthingtohearhimbullyraggingthevillain。
　　Thestageheroisalwaysentitledto"estates，"chieflyremarkablefortheirhighstateofcultivationandfortheeccentricgroundplanofthe"manorhouse"uponthem。Thehouseisnevermorethanonestoryhigh，butitmakesupingreenstuffovertheporchwhatitlacksinsizeandconvenience。
　　Thechiefdrawbackinconnectionwithit，tooureyes，isthatalltheinhabitantsoftheneighboringvillageappeartoliveinthefrontgarden，buttheheroevidentlythinksitratherniceofthem，asitenableshimtomakespeechestothemfromthefrontdoorstep——hisfavoriterecreation。
　　Thereisgenerallyapublic—houseimmediatelyopposite。Thisishandy。
　　These"estates"areagreatanxietytothestagehero。Heisnotwhatyouwouldcallabusinessman，asfaraswecanjudge，andhisattemptstomanagehisownpropertyinvariablylandhiminruinanddistraction。His"estates，"however，alwaysgettakenawayfromhimbythevillainbeforethefirstactisover，andthissaveshimallfurthertroublewithregardtothemuntiltheendoftheplay，whenhegetssaddledwiththemoncemore。
　　Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatthereismuchexcuseforthepoorfellow’sgeneralbewildermentconcerninghisaffairsandforhislegalerrorsandconfusionsgenerally。Stage"law"maynotbequitethemostfearfulandwonderfulmysteryinthewholeuniverse，butit’snearit——verynearit。Wewereundertheimpressionatonetimethatweourselvesknewsomething——justalittle——aboutstatutoryandcommonlaw，butafterpayingattentiontothelegalpointsofoneortwoplayswefoundthatweweremerechildrenatit。
　　Wethoughtwewouldnotbebeaten，andwedeterminedtogettothebottomofstagelawandtounderstandit;butaftersomesixmonths’
　　effortourbrain（asingularlyfineone）begantosoften，andweabandonedthestudy，believingitwouldcomecheaperintheendtoofferasuitablereward，ofabout50，000poundsor60，000pounds，say，toanyonewhowouldexplainittous。
　　Therewardhasremainedunclaimedtothepresentdayandisstillopen。
　　Onegentlemandidcometoourassistancealittlewhileago，buthisexplanationsonlymadethemattermoreconfusingtoourmindsthanitwasbefore。Hewassurprisedatwhathecalledourdensity，andsaidthethingwasallclearandsimpletohim。Butwediscoveredafterwardthathewasanescapedlunatic。
　　Theonlypointsofstage"law"onwhichweareatallclearareasfollows:
　　Thatifamandieswithoutleavingawill，thenallhispropertygoestothenearestvillain。
　　Butifamandiesandleavesawill，thenallhispropertygoestowhoevercangetpossessionofthatwill。
　　Thattheaccidentallossofthethree—and—sixpennycopyofamarriagecertificateannulsthemarriage。
　　Thattheevidenceofoneprejudicedwitnessofshadyantecedentsisquitesufficienttoconvictthemoststainlessandirreproachablegentlemanofcrimesforthecommittalofwhichhecouldhavehadnopossiblemotive。
　　Butthatthisevidencemayberebuttedyearsafterward，andtheconvictionquashedwithoutfurthertrialbytheunsupportedstatementofthecomicman。
　　ThatifAforgesB’snametoacheck，thenthelawofthelandisthatBshallbesentencedtotenyears’penalservitude。
　　Thattenminutes’noticeisallthatisrequiredtoforecloseamortgage。
　　Thatalltrialsofcriminalcasestakeplaceinthefrontparlorofthevictim’shouse，thevillainactingascounsel，judge，andjuryrolledintoone，andacoupleofpolicemenbeingtoldofftofollowhisinstructions。
　　Theseareafewofthemoresalientfeaturesofstage"law"sofaraswehavebeenabletograspituptothepresent;butasfreshactsandclausesandmodificationsappeartobeintroducedforeachnewplay，wehaveabandonedallhopeofeverbeingabletoreallycomprehendthesubject。
　　Toreturntoourhero，thestateofthelaw，asabovesketched，naturallyconfuseshim，andthevillain，whoistheonlyhumanbeingwhodoesseemtounderstandstagelegalquestions，iseasilyabletofleeceandruinhim。Thesimple—mindedherosignsmortgages，billsofsale，deedsofgift，andsuchlikethings，undertheimpressionthatheisplayingsomesortofaroundgame;andthenwhenhecannotpaytheinteresttheytakehiswifeandchildrenawayfromhimandturnhimadriftintotheworld。
　　Beingthrownuponhisownresources，henaturallystarves。
　　Hecanmakelongspeeches，hecantellyouallhistroubles，hecanstandinthelime—lightandstrikeattitudes，hecanknockthevillaindown，andhecandefythepolice，buttheserequirementsarenotmuchindemandinthelabormarket，andastheyareallhecandoorcarestodo，hefindsearninghislivingamuchmoredifficultaffairthanhefancied。
　　Thereisadealtoomuchhardworkaboutitforhim。Hesoongivesuptryingitatall，andpreferstoekeoutanuncertainexistencebyspongingupongood—naturedoldIrishwomenandgenerousbutweak—mindedyoungartisanswhohavelefttheirnativevillagetofollowhimandenjoytheadvantageofhiscompanyandconversation。
　　Andsohedragsouthislifeduringthemiddleofthepiece，ravingatfortune，ragingathumanity，andwhiningabouthismiseriesuntilthelastact。
　　Thenhegetsbackthose"estates"ofhisintohispossessiononceagain，andcangobacktothevillageandmakemoremoralspeechesandbehappy。
　　Moralspeechesareundoubtedlyhisleadingarticle，andofthese，itmustbeowned，hehasaninexhaustiblestock。Heisaschock—fullofnoblesentimentsasabladderisofwind。Theyareweakandwaterysentimentsofthesixpennytea—meetingorder。Wehaveadimnotionthatwehaveheardthembefore。Thesoundofthemalwaysconjuresuptoourmindthevisionofadulllongroom，fullofoppressivesilence，brokenonlybythescratchingofsteelpensandanoccasionalwhispered"Giveusasuck，Bill。YouknowIalwayslikedyou;"oralouder"Please，sir，speaktoJimmyBoggles。He’sa—joggingmyelbow。"
　　Thestagehero，however，evidentlyregardsthesemeanderingsasgemsofbrilliantthought，freshfromthephilosophicmine。
　　Thegallerygreetsthemwithenthusiasticapproval。Theyareawarm—heartedpeople，galleryites，andtheyliketogiveaheartywelcometooldfriends。
　　Andthen，too，thesentimentsaresogoodandaBritishgalleryissomoral。Wedoubtiftherecouldbediscoveredonthisearthanybodyofhumanbeingshalfsomoral——sofondofgoodness，evenwhenitisslowandstupid——sohatefulofmeannessinwordordeed——asamoderntheatricalgallery。
　　TheearlyChristianmartyrsweresinfulandworldlycomparedwithanAdelphigallery。
　　Thestageheroisaverypowerfulman。Youwouldn’tthinkittolookathim，butyouwaittilltheheroinecries"Help！Oh，George，saveme！"orthepoliceattempttorunhimin。Thentwovillains，threeextrahiredruffiansandfourdetectivesareabouthisfighting—weight。
　　Ifheknocksdownlessthanthreemenwithoneblow，hefearsthathemustbeill，andwonders"Whythisstrangeweakness？"
　　Theherohashisownwayofmakinglove。Healwaysdoesitfrombehind。Thegirlturnsawayfromhimwhenhebegins（shebeing，aswehavesaid，shyandtimid），andhetakesholdofherhandsandbreatheshisattachmentdownherback。
　　Thestageheroalwayswearspatent—leatherboots，andtheyarealwaysspotlesslyclean。Sometimesheisrichandlivesinaroomwithsevendoorstoit，andatothertimesheisstarvinginagarret;butineithereventhestillwearsbrand—newpatent—leatherboots。
　　Hemightraiseatleastthree—and—sixpenceonthoseboots，andwhenthebabyiscryingforfood，itoccurstousthatitwouldbebetterif，insteadofprayingtoHeaven，hetookoffthosebootsandpawnedthem;butthisdoesnotseemtooccurtohim。
　　HecrossestheAfricandesertinpatent—leatherboots，doesthestagehero。Hetakesasupplywithhimwhenheiswreckedonanuninhabitedisland。Hearrivesfromlongandtryingjourneys;hisclothesareraggedandtorn，buthisbootsarenewandshiny。Heputsonpatent—leatherbootstotrampthroughtheAustralianbush，tofightinEgypt，todiscoverthenorthpole。
　　Sometimesheisagold—digger，sometimesadocklaborer，sometimesasoldier，sometimesasailor，butwhateverheishewearspatent—leatherboots。
　　Hegoesboatinginpatentleatherboots，heplayscricketinthem;hegoesfishingandshootinginthem。Hewillgotoheaveninpatent—leatherbootsorhewilldeclinetheinvitation。
　　Thestageheronevertalksinasimple，straightforwardway，likeamereordinarymortal。
　　"Youwillwritetomewhenyouareaway，dear，won’tyou？"saystheheroine。
　　Amerehumanbeingwouldreply:
　　"Why，ofcourseIshall，ducky，everyday。"
　　Butthestageheroisasuperiorcreature。Hesays:
　　"Dostseeyonderstar，sweet？"
　　Shelooksupandownsthatshedoesseeyonderstar;andthenoffhestartsanddrivelsonaboutthatstarforfullfiveminutes，andsayshewillceasetowritetoherwhenthatpalestarhasfallenfromitsplaceamidthefirmamentofheaven。
　　Theresultofalongcourseofacquaintanceshipwithstageheroeshasbeen，sofarasweareconcerned，tocreateayearningforanewkindofstagehero。Whatwewouldlikeforachangewouldbeamanwhowouldn’tcackleandbragquitesomuch，butwhowascapableoftakingcareofhimselfforadaywithoutgettingintotrouble。
　　THEVILLAIN。
　　Hewearsacleancollarandsmokesacigarette;thatishowweknowheisavillain。Inreallifeitisoftendifficulttotellavillainfromanhonestman，andthisgivesrisetomistakes;butonthestage，aswehavesaidvillainswearcleancollarsandsmokecigarettes，andthusallfearofblunderisavoided。
　　Itiswellthattheruledoesnotholdoffthestage，orgoodmenmightbemisjudged。Weourselves，forinstance，wearacleancollar——sometimes。
　　Itmightbeveryawkwardforourfamily，especiallyonSundays。
　　Hehasnopowerofrepartee，hasthestagevillain。Allthegoodpeopleintheplaysayrudeandinsultingthingstohim，andsmackathim，andscoreoffhimallthroughtheact，buthecanneveranswerthemback——canneverthinkofanythingclevertosayinreturn。
　　"Ha！ha！waittillMondayweek，"isthemostbrilliantretortthathecanmake，andhehastogetintoacornerbyhimselftothinkofeventhat。
　　Thestagevillain’scareerisalwaysveryeasyandprosperousuptowithinaminuteoftheendofeachact。Thenhegetssuddenlyletin，generallybythecomicman。Italwayshappensso。Yetthevillainisalwaysintenselysurprisedeachtime。Heneverseemstolearnanythingfromexperience。
　　Afewyearsagothevillainusedtobeblessedwithahopefulandphilosophicaltemperament，whichenabledhimtobearupundertheseconstantlyrecurringdisappointmentsandreverses。Itwas"nomatter，"hewouldsay。Crushedforthemomentthoughhemightbe，hisbuoyantheartneverlostcourage。Hehadasimple，child—likefaithinProvidence。"Atimewillcome，"hewouldremark，andthisideaconsoledhim。
　　Oflate，however，thistrustinghopefulnessofhis，asexpressedinthebeautifullineswehavequoted，appearstohaveforsakenhim。Wearesorryforthis。Wealwaysregardeditasoneofthefinesttraitsinhischaracter。
　　Thestagevillain’slovefortheheroineissublimeinitssteadfastness。Sheisawomanoflugubriousandtearfuldisposition，addedtowhichsheisusuallyincumberedwithacoupleofpriggishandhighlyobjectionablechildren，andwhatpossibleattractionthereisaboutherweourselvescanneverunderstand;butthestagevillain——well，there，heisfairlymashedonher。
　　Nothingcanalterhisaffection。Shehateshimandinsultshimtoanextentthatisreallyunladylike。Everytimehetriestoexplainhisdevotiontoher，theherocomesinandknockshimdowninthemiddleofit，orthecomicmancatcheshimduringoneortheotherofhisharassinglove—sceneswithher，andgoesoffandtellsthe"villagers"
　　orthe"guests，"andtheycomeroundandnaghim（weshouldthinkthatthevillainmustgrowtopositivelydislikethecomicmanbeforethepieceisover）。
　　Notwithstandingallthishestillhankersafterherandswearssheshallbehis。Heisnotabad—lookingfellow，andfromwhatweknowofthemarket，weshouldsaythereareplentyofothergirlswhowouldjumpathim;yetforthesakeofsettlingdownwiththisdismalyoungfemaleashiswife，heispreparedtogothroughalaboriousandexhaustivecourseofcrimeandtobebulliedandinsultedbyeveryonehemeets。Hislovesustainshimunderitall。Herobsandforges，andcheats，andlies，andmurders，andarsons。Iftherewereanyothercrimeshecouldcommittowinheraffection，hewould，forhersweetsake，committhemcheerfully。Buthedoesn’tknowanyothers——atallevents，heisnotwellupinanyothers——andshestilldoesnotcareforhim，andwhatishetodo？
　　Itisveryunfortunateforbothofthem。Itisevidenttothemerestspectatorthatthelady’slifewouldbemuchhappierifthevillaindidnotloveherquitesomuch;andasforhim，hiscareermightbecalmerandlesscriminalbutforhisdeepdevotiontoher。
　　Yousee，itishavingmetherinearlylifethatisthecauseofallthetrouble。Hefirstsawherwhenshewasachild，andhelovedher，"ay，eventhen。"Ah，andhewouldhaveworked——slavedforher，andhavemadeherrichandhappy。Hemightperhapsevenhavebeenagoodman。
　　Shetriestosoothehim。Shesayssheloathedhimwithanunspeakablehorrorfromthefirstmomentthathereyesmethisrevoltingform。
　　Shesaysshesawahideoustoadonceinanastypond，andshesaysthatratherwouldshetakethatnoisomereptileandclaspitsslimybosomtoherownthantolerateoneinstant’stouchfromhis（thevillain’s）arms。
　　Thissweetprattleofhers，however，onlycharmshimallthemore。Hesayshewillwinheryet。
　　Nordoesthevillainseemmuchhappierinhislessseriousloveepisodes。Afterhehasindulgedinalittlebadinageoftheabovecharacterwithhisreallady—love，theheroine，hewilloccasionallytryalittlelightflirtationpassagewithhermaidorladyfriend。
　　Themaidorfrienddoesnotwastetimeinsimileorinmetaphor。Shecallshimablack—heartedscoundrelandclumpshimoverthehead。
　　Ofrecentyearsithasbeenattemptedtocheerthestagevillain’slovelesslifebymakingthevillageclergyman’sdaughtergoneonhim。
　　Butitisgenerallyabouttenyearsagowhenevenshelovedhim，andherlovehasturnedtohatebythetimetheplayopens;sothatonthewholehislotcanhardlybesaidtohavebeenmuchimprovedinthisdirection。
　　Notbutwhatitmustbeconfessedthatherchangeoffeelingis，underthecircumstances，onlynatural。Hetookherawayfromherhappy，peacefulhomewhenshewasveryyoungandbroughtheruptothiswickedovergrownLondon。Hedidnotmarryher。Thereisnoearthlyreasonwhyheshouldnothavemarriedher。Shemusthavebeenafinegirlatthattime（andsheisagood—lookingwomanasitis，withdashandgoabouther），andanyothermanwouldhavesettleddowncozilywithherandhaveledasimple，blamelesslife。
　　Butthestagevillainisbuiltcussed。
　　Heill—usesthisfemalemostshockingly——notforanycauseormotivewhatever;indeed，hisownpracticalinterestsshouldprompthimtotreatherwellandkeepfriendswithher——butfromthenaturalcussednesstowhichwehavejustalluded。Whenhespeakstoherheseizesherbythewristandbreatheswhathe’sgottosayintoherear，anditticklesandrevoltsher。
　　Theonlythinginwhichheisgoodtoherisinthematterofdress。