Theyareveryfaithful，arestagepeasants。Nojilting，nofickleness，nobreachofpromise。Ifthegentlemaninpinkwalksoutwiththeladyinblueinthefirstact，pinkandbluewillbemarriedintheend。Hestickstoherallthroughandshestickstohim。
　　Girlsinyellowmaycomeandgo，girlsingreenmaylaughanddance——thegentlemaninpinkheedsthemnot。Blueishiscolor，andheneverleavesit。Hestandsbesideit，hesitsbesideit。Hedrinkswithher，hesmileswithher，helaughswithher，hedanceswithher，hecomesonwithher，hegoesoffwithher。
　　Whenthetimecomesfortalkinghetalkstoherandonlyher，andshetalkstohimandonlyhim。Thusthereisnojealousy，noquarreling。
　　Butweshouldpreferanoccasionalchangeourselves。
　　Therearenomarriedpeopleinstagevillagesandnochildren（consequently，ofcourse—happyvillage！oh，todiscoveritandspendamonththere！）。Therearejustthesamenumberofmenastherearewomeninallstagevillages，andtheyareallaboutthesameageandeachyoungmanlovessomeyoungwoman。Buttheynevermarry。
　　Theytalkalotaboutit，buttheyneverdoit。Theartfulbeggars！
　　Theyseetoomuchwhatit’slikeamongtheprincipals。
　　Thestagepeasantisfondofdrinking，andwhenhedrinkshelikestoletyouknowheisdrinking。Noneofyourquiethalf—pintinsidethebarforhim。Helikestocomeoutinthestreetandsingaboutitanddotrickswithit，suchasturningittopsy—turvyoverhishead。
　　Notwithstandingallthisheismoderate，mindyou。Youcan’tsayhetakestoomuch。Onesmalljugofaleamongfortyishisusualallowance。
　　Hehasakeensenseofhumorandiseasilyamused。Thereissomethingalmostpatheticaboutthewayhegoesintoconvulsionsoflaughteroversuchverysmalljokes。Howamanlikethatwouldenjoyarealjoke！Onedayhewillperhapsheararealjoke。Whoknows？Itwill，however，probablykillhim。Onegrowstolovethestagepeasantafterawhile。Heissogood，sochild—like，sounworldly。Herealizesone’sidealofChristianity。
　　THEGOODOLDMAN。
　　Hehaslosthiswife。Butheknowswheresheis——amongtheangels！
　　Sheisn’tallgone，becausetheheroinehasherhair。"Ah，you’vegotyourmother’shair，"saysthegoodoldman，feelingthegirl’sheadalloverasshekneelsbesidehim。Thentheyallwipeawayatear。
　　Thepeopleonthestagethinkveryhighlyofthegoodoldman，buttheydon’tencouragehimmuchafterthefirstact。Hegenerallydiesinthefirstact。
　　Ifhedoesnotseemlikelytodietheymurderhim。
　　Heisamostunfortunateoldgentleman。Anythingheismixedupinseemsboundtogowrong。Ifheismanagerordirectorofabank，smashitgoesbeforeevenoneactisover。Hisparticularfirmisalwaysonthevergeofbankruptcy。Wehaveonlytobetoldthathehasputallhissavingsintoacompany——nomatterhowsoundandpromisinganaffairitmayalwayshavebeenandmaystillseem——toknowthatthatcompanyisa"goner。"
　　Nopoweronearthcansaveitafteroncethegoodoldmanhasbecomeashareholder。
　　Ifwelivedinstage—landandwereaskedtojoinanyfinancialscheme，ourfirstquestionwouldbe:
　　"Isthegoodoldmaninit？"Ifso，thatwoulddecideus。
　　Whenthegoodoldmanisatrusteeforanyonehecanbattleagainstadversitymuchlonger。Heisapluckyoldfellow，andwhilethattrustmoneylastshekeepsabraveheartandfightsonboldly。Itisnotuntilhehasspentthelastpennyofitthathegivesway。
　　Itthenflashesacrosstheoldman’smindthathismotivesforhavinglivedinluxuryuponthattrustmoneyforyearsmaypossiblybemisunderstood。Theworld——thehollow，heartlessworld——willcallitaswindleandregardhimgenerallyasapreciousoldfraud。
　　Thisideaquitetroublesthegoodoldman。
　　Buttheworldreallyoughtnottoblamehim。Noone，wearesure，couldbemorereadyandwillingtomakeamends（whenfoundout）;andtoputmattersrighthewillcheerfullysacrificehisdaughter’shappinessandmarryhertothevillain。
　　Thevillain，bytheway，hasneverapennytoblesshimselfwith，andcannotevenpayhisowndebts，letalonehelpinganybodyelseoutofascrape。Butthegoodoldmandoesnotthinkofthis。
　　Ourownpersonaltheory，baseduponacarefulcomparisonofsimilarities，isthatthegoodoldmanisinrealitythestageherogrownold。Thereissomethingaboutthegoodoldman’schuckle—headedsimplicity，abouthishelplessimbecility，andhisirritatingdamtomfoolishnessthatisstrangelysuggestiveofthehero。
　　Heisjustthesortofoldmanthatweshouldimaginetheherowoulddevelopinto。
　　Wemay，ofcourse，bewrong;butthatisouridea。
　　THEIRISHMAN。
　　Hesays"Shure"and"Bedad"andinmomentsofexultation"Beghorra。"
　　ThatisalltheIrishheknows。
　　Heisverypoor，butscrupulouslyhonest。Hisgreatambitionistopayhisrent，andheisdevotedtohislandlord。
　　Heisalwayscheerfulandalwaysgood。WeneverknewabadIrishmanonthestage。SometimesastageIrishmanseemstobeabadman——suchasthe"agent"orthe"informer"——butinthesecasesitinvariablyturnsoutintheendthatthismanwasallalongaScotchman，andthuswhathadbeenamysterybecomesclearandexplicable。
　　ThestageIrishmanisalwaysdoingthemostwonderfulthingsimaginable。Wedonotseehimdothosewonderfulthings。Hedoesthemwhennobodyisbyandtellsusallaboutthemafterward:thatishowweknowofthem。
　　Werememberononeoccasion，whenwewereyoungandsomewhatinexperienced，plankingourmoneydownandgoingintoatheatersolelyandpurposelytoseethestageIrishmandothethingshewasdepictedasdoingonthepostersoutside。
　　Theywerereallymarvelous，thethingshedidonthatposter。
　　Intheright—handuppercornerheappearedrunningacrosscountryonallfours，witharedherringstickingoutfromhiscoat—tails，whilefarbehindcamehoundsandhorsemenhuntinghim。Buttheirchanceofevercatchinghimupwasclearlyhopeless。
　　Tothelefthewasrepresentedasrunningawayoveroneofthewildestandmostruggedbitsoflandscapewehaveeverseenwithaverybigmanonhisback。Sixpolicemenstoodscatteredaboutamilebehindhim。Theyhadevidentlybeenrunningafterhim，buthadatlastgivenupthepursuitasuseless。
　　Inthecenteroftheposterhewashavingafriendlyfightwithseventeenladiesandgentlemen。Judgingfromthecostumes，theaffairappearedtobeawedding。Afewoftheguestshadalreadybeenkilledandlaydeadaboutthefloor。Thesurvivors，however，wereenjoyingthemselvesimmensely，andofallthatgaygrouphewasthegayest。
　　Atthemomentchosenbytheartist，hehadjustsucceededincrackingthebridegroom’sskull。
　　"Wemustseethis，"saidwetoourselves。"Thisisgood。"Andwehadabob’sworth。
　　Buthedidnotdoanyofthethingsthatwehavementioned，afterall——atleast，wemeanwedidnotseehimdoanyofthem。Itseemshedidthem"off，"andthencameonandtoldhismotherallaboutitafterward。
　　Hetolditverywell，butsomehoworotherweweredisappointed。Wehadsoreckonedonthatfight。
　　Bythebye，wehavenoticed，evenamongthecharactersofreallife，atendencytoperformmostoftheirwonderfulfeats"off。"
　　Ithasbeenourprivilegesincethentogazeuponmanypostersonwhichhavebeendelineatedstrangeandmovingstageevents。
　　Wehaveseentheheroholdingthevillainuphighabovehishead，andthrowinghimaboutthatcarelesslythatwehavefeltafraidhewouldbreaksomethingwithhim。
　　Wehaveseenaheroineleapingfromtheroofofahouseononesideofthestreetandbeingcaughtbythecomicmanstandingontheroofofahouseontheothersideofthestreetandthinkingnothingofit。
　　Wehaveseenrailwaytrainsrushingintoeachotherattherateofsixtymilesanhour。Wehaveseenhousesblownupbydynamitetwohundredfeetintotheair。WehaveseenthedefeatoftheSpanishArmada，thedestructionofPompeii，andthereturnoftheBritisharmyfromEgyptinone"set"each。
　　Suchincidentsasearthquakes，wrecksinmid—ocean，revolutionsandbattleswetakenonoteof，theybeingcommonplaceandordinary。
　　Butwedonotgoinsidetoseethesethingsnow。Wehavetwolooksattheposterinstead;itismoresatisfying。
　　TheIrishman，toreturntoourfriend，isveryfondofwhisky——thestageIrishman，wemean。Whiskyisforeverinhisthoughts——andofteninotherplacesbelongingtohim，besides。
　　ThefashionindressamongstageIrishmenisratherpicturesquethanneat。TailorsmusthaveahardtimeofitinstageIreland。
　　ThestageIrishmanhasalsoanoriginaltasteinhats。Healwayswearsahatwithoutacrown;whethertokeephisheadcoolorwithanypoliticalsignificancewecannotsay。
　　THEDETECTIVE。
　　Ah！heisacuteone，heis。Possiblyinreallifehewouldnotbedeemedanythingextraordinary，butbycontrastwiththeaverageofstagemenandwomen，anyonewhoisnotabornfoolnaturallyappearssomewhatMachiavellian。
　　Heistheonlymanintheplaywhodoesnotswallowallthevillaintellshimandbelieveit，andcomeupwithhismouthopenformore。
　　Heistheonlymanwhocanseethroughthedisguiseofanovercoatandanewhat。
　　Thereissomethingverywonderfulaboutthedisguisingpowerofcloaksandhatsuponthestage。Thiscomesfromthehabitpeopleonthestagehaveofrecognizingtheirfriends，notbytheirfacesandvoices，butbytheircloaksandhats。
　　Amarriedmanonthestageknowshiswife，becauseheknowsshewearsablueulsterandaredbonnet。Themomentsheleavesoffthatblueulsterandredbonnetheislostanddoesnotknowwheresheis。
　　Sheputsonayellowcloakandagreenhat，andcominginatanotherdoorsayssheisaladyfromthecountry，anddoeshewantahousekeeper？
　　Havinglosthisbelovedwife，andfeelingthatthereisnoonenowtokeepthechildrenquiet，heengagesher。Shepuzzleshimagooddeal，thisnewhousekeeper。ThereissomethingaboutherthatstrangelyremindshimofhisdarlingNell——maybeherbootsanddress，whichshehasnothadtimetochange。
　　Sadlytheslowactspassawayuntiloneday，asitisgettingnearclosing—time，sheputsontheblueulsterandtheredbonnetagainandcomesinattheoldoriginaldoor。
　　Thenherecognizesherandasksherwhereshehasbeenallthesecruelyears。
　　Eventhebadpeople，whoasaruledopossessalittlesense——indeed，theyaretheonlypersonsintheplaywhoeverpretendtoany——aredeceivedbysingularlythindisguises。
　　Thedetectivecomesintotheirsecretcouncils，withhishatdrawndownoverhiseyes，andfollowedbytheherospeakinginasqueakyvoice;andthevillainsmistakethemformembersofthebandandtellthemalltheirplans。
　　Ifthevillainscan’tgetthemselvesfoundoutthatway，thentheygointoapublictea—gardenandrecounttheircrimestooneanotherinaloudtoneofvoice。
　　Theyevidentlythinkthatitisonlyfairtogivethedetectiveachance。
　　Thedetectivemustnotbeconfoundedwiththepoliceman。Thestagepolicemanisalwaysonthesideofthevillain;thedetectivebacksvirtue。
　　Thestagedetectiveis，infact，theearthlyagentofadiscerningandbenevolentProvidence。Hestandsbyandallowsvicetobetriumphantandthegoodpeopletobepersecutedforawhilewithoutinterference。
　　Thenwhenheconsidersthatwehaveallhadaboutenoughofit（towhichconclusion，bythebye，hearrivessomewhatlate）hecomesforward，handcuffsthebadpeople，sortsoutandgivesbacktothegoodpeoplealltheirvariousestatesandwives，promisesthechiefvillaintwentyyears’penalservitude，andallisjoy。
　　THESAILOR。
　　Hedoessuffersowithhistrousers。Hehastostopandpullthemupabouttwiceeveryminute。
　　Oneofthesedays，ifheisnotcareful，therewillbeanaccidenthappentothosetrousers。
　　Ifthestagesailorwillfollowouradvice，hewillbewarnedintimeandwillgetapairofbraces。
　　Sailorsinreallifedonothavenearlysomuchtroublewiththeirtrousersassailorsonthestagedo。Whyisthis？Wehaveseenagooddealofsailorsinreallife，butononlyoneoccasion，thatwecanremember，didweeverseearealsailorpullhistrousersup。
　　Andthenhedidnotdoitabitliketheydoitonthestage。
　　Thestagesailorplaceshisrighthandbehindhimandhisleftinfront，leapsupintotheair，kicksouthislegbehindinagayandbird—likeway，andthethingisdone。
　　Therealsailorthatwesawbeganbysayingabadword。Thenheleanedupagainstabrickwallandundidhisbelt，pulleduphis"bags"ashestoodthere（heneverattemptedtoleapupintotheair），tuckedinhisjersey，shookhislegs，andwalkedon。
　　Itwasamostunpicturesqueperformancetowatch。
　　Thethingthatthestagesailormostcravesinthislifeisthatsomebodyshouldshiverhistimbers。
　　"Shivermytimbers！"istherequesthemakestoeveryonehemeets。
　　Butnobodyeverdoesit。
　　Hischiefdesirewithregardtotheotherpeopleintheplayisthattheyshould"belaythere，avast！"Wedonotknowhowthisisdone;
　　butthestagesailorisagoodandkindlyman，andwefeelconvincedhewouldnotrecommendtheexerciseifitwerenotconducivetopietyandhealth。
　　Thestagesailorisgoodtohismotheranddancesthehornpipebeautifully。Wehaveneverfoundarealsailorwhocoulddanceahornpipe，thoughwehavemadeextensiveinquiriesthroughouttheprofession。Wewereintroducedtoaship’sstewardwhoofferedtodousacellar—flapforapotoffour—half，butthatwasnotwhatwewanted。
　　Thestagesailorisgayandrollicking:therealsailorswehavemethavebeen，someofthem，themostworthyandsingle—mindedofmen，buttheyhaveappearedsedateratherthangay，andtheyhaven’trollickedmuch。
　　Thestagesailorseemstohaveaneasytimeofitwhenatsea。Thehardestworkwehaveeverseenhimdothenhasbeenfoldinguparopeordustingthesidesoftheship。
　　Butitisonlyinhisverybusymomentsthathehastoworktothisextent;mostofhistimeisoccupiedinchattingwiththecaptain。
　　Bytheway，speakingofthesea，fewthingsaremoreremarkableintheirbehaviorthanastagesea。Itmustbedifficulttonavigateinastagesea，thecurrentsaresoconfusing。
　　Asforthewaves，thereisnoknowinghowtosteerforthem;theyaresotricky。Atonemomenttheyareallonthelarboard，theseaontheothersideofthevesselbeingperfectlycalm，andthenextinstanttheyhavecrossedoverandareallonthestarboard，andbeforethecaptaincanthinkhowtomeetthisnewdodge，thewholeoceanhasslidroundandgotitselfintoaheapatthebackofhim。
　　Seamanshipisuselessagainstsuchveryunprofessionalconductasthis，andthevesseliswrecked。
　　Awreckat（stage）seaisatrulyawfulsight。Thethunderandlightningneverleaveoffforaninstant;thecrewrunroundandroundthemastandscream;theheroine，carryingthestagechildinherarmsandwithherbackhairdown，rushesaboutandgetsineverybody’sway。
　　Thecomicmanaloneiscalm！
　　Thenextinstantthebulwarksfalldownflatonthedeckandthemastgoesstraightupintotheskyanddisappears，thenthewaterreachesthepowdermagazineandthereisaterrificexplosion。
　　Thisisfollowedbyasoundasoflinensheetsbeingrippedup，andthepassengersandcrewhurrydownstairsintothecabin，evidentlywiththeideaofgettingoutofthewayofthesea，whichhasclimbedupandisnowlevelwiththedeck。
　　ThenextmomentthevesselseparatesinthemiddleandgoesoffR。
　　andL。，soastomakeroomforasmallboatcontainingtheheroine，thechild，thecomicman，andonesailor。
　　Thewaysmallboatsaremanagedat（stage）seaisevenmorewonderfulthanthewayinwhichshipsaresailed。
　　Tobeginwith，everybodysitssidewaysalongthemiddleoftheboat，allfacingthestarboard。Theydonotattempttorow。Onemandoesalltheworkwithonescull。Thisscullheputsdownthroughthewatertillittouchesthebedoftheocean，andthenheshoves。
　　"Deep—seapunting"wouldbethetechnicaltermforthemethod，wepresume。
　　Inthiswaydotheytoil——orrather，tospeakcorrect{y，doestheonemantoil——throughtheawfulnight，untilwithjoytheyseebeforethemthelight—houserocks。
　　Thelight—housekeepercomesoutwithalantern。Theboatisruninamongthebreakersandallaresaved。
　　Andthenthebandplays。