Thisoneisterse。Itranslate:
　　"FourweeksforMISINTERPRETEDGALLANTRY。"Iwishthesuffererhadexplainedalittlemorefully。
　　Afour-weektermisaratherseriousmatter。
　　Thereweremanyuncomplimentaryreferences，onthewalls，toacertainunpopulardignitary。Onesuffererhadgotthreedaysfornotsalutinghim。Anotherhad"heretwodayssleptandthreenightslainawake，"onaccountofthissame"Dr。K。"InoneplacewasapictureofDr。K。hangingonagallows。
　　Hereandthere，lonesomeprisonershadeasedtheheavytimebyalteringtherecordsleftbypredecessors。Leavingthenamestanding，andthedateandlengthofthecaptivity，theyhaderasedthedescriptionofthemisdemeanor，andwritteninitsplace，instaringcapitals，"FORTHEFT!"
　　or"FORMURDER!"orsomeothergaudycrime。Inoneplace，allbyitself，stoodthisblood-curdlingword:
　　"Rache!"[1]
　　1。"Revenge!"
　　Therewasnonamesigned，andnodate。Itwasaninscriptionwellcalculatedtopiquecuriosity。
　　Onewouldgreatlyliketoknowthenatureofthewrongthathadbeendone，andwhatsortofvengeancewaswanted，andwhethertheprisonereverachieveditornot。
　　Buttherewasnowayoffindingoutthesethings。
　　Occasionally，anamewasfollowedsimplybytheremark，"IIdays，fordisturbingthepeace，"andwithoutcommentuponthejusticeorinjusticeofthesentence。
　　Inoneplacewasahilariouspictureofastudentofthegreencapcorpswithabottleofchampagneineachhand；
　　andbelowwasthelegend:"Thesemakeanevilfateendurable。"
　　Thereweretwoprisoncells，andneitherhadspaceleftonwallsorceilingforanothernameorportraitorpicture。
　　TheinsidesurfacesofthetwodoorswerecompletelycoveredwithCARTESDEVISITEofformerprisoners，ingeniouslyletintothewoodandprotectedfromdirtandinjurybyglass。
　　Iverymuchwantedoneofthesorryoldtableswhichtheprisonershadspentsomanyyearsinornamentingwiththeirpocket-knives，butredtapewasintheway。
　　Thecustodiancouldnotsellonewithoutanorderfromasuperior；andthatsuperiorwouldhavetogetitfromHISsuperior；andthisonewouldhavetogetitfromahigherone——andsoonupandupuntilthefacultyshouldsitonthematteranddeliverfinaljudgment。
　　Thesystemwasright，andnobodycouldfindfaultwithit；
　　butitdidnotseemjustifiabletobothersomanypeople，soIproceedednofurther。ItmighthavecostmemorethanIcouldafford，anyway；foroneofthoseprisontables，whichwasatthetimeinaprivatemuseuminHeidelberg，wasafterwardsoldatauctionfortwohundredandfiftydollars。
　　Itwasnotworthmorethanadollar，orpossiblyadollarandhalf，beforethecaptivestudentsbegantheirworkonit。Personswhosawitattheauctionsaiditwassocuriouslyandwonderfullycarvedthatitwasworththemoneythatwaspaidforit。
　　Amongthemmanywhohavetastedthecollegeprison'sdrearyhospitalitywasalivelyyoungfellowfromoneoftheSouthernstatesofAmerica，whosefirstyear'sexperienceofGermanuniversitylifewasratherpeculiar。
　　ThedayhearrivedinHeidelbergheenrolledhisnameonthecollegebooks，andwassoelatedwiththefactthathisdearesthopehadfoundfruitionandhewasactuallyastudentoftheoldandrenowneduniversity，thathesettoworkthatverynighttocelebratetheeventbyagrandlarkincompanywithsomeotherstudents。
　　Inthecourseofhislarkhemanagedtomakeawidebreachinoneoftheuniversity'smoststringentlaws。
　　Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewasinthecollegeprison——bookedforthreemonths。Thetwelvelongweeksdraggedslowlyby，andthedayofdeliverancecameatlast。
　　Agreatcrowdofsympathizingfellow-studentsreceivedhimwitharousingdemonstrationashecameforth，andofcoursetherewasanothergrandlark——inthecourseofwhichhemanagedtomakeawidebreachoftheCITY'S
　　moststringentlaws。Sequel:beforenoon，nextday，hewassafeinthecitylockup——bookedforthreemonths。
　　Thissecondtediouscaptivitydrewtoanendinthecourseoftime，andagainagreatcrowdofsympathizingfellowstudentsgavehimarousingreceptionashecameforth；
　　buthisdelightinhisfreedomwassoboundlessthathecouldnotproceedsoberlyandcalmly，butmustgohoppingandskippingandjumpingdownthesleetystreetfromsheerexcessofjoy。Sequel:heslippedandbrokehisleg，andactuallylayinthehospitalduringthenextthreemonths!
　　Whenheatlastbecameafreemanagain，hesaidhebelievedhewouldhuntupabriskerseatoflearning；theHeidelberglecturesmightbegood，buttheopportunitiesofattendingthemweretoorare，theeducationalprocesstooslow；
　　hesaidhehadcometoEuropewiththeideathattheacquirementofaneducationwasonlyamatteroftime，butifhehadaveragedtheHeidelbergsystemcorrectly，itwasratheramatterofeternity。
　　APPENDIXD
　　TheAwfulGermanLanguageAlittlelearningmakesthewholeworldkin——
　　Proverbsxxxii，7。
　　IwentoftentolookatthecollectionofcuriositiesinHeidelbergCastle，andonedayIsurprisedthekeeperofitwithmyGerman。Ispokeentirelyinthatlanguage。
　　Hewasgreatlyinterested；andafterIhadtalkedawhilehesaidmyGermanwasveryrare，possiblya"unique"；
　　andwantedtoaddittohismuseum。
　　Ifhehadknownwhatithadcostmetoacquiremyart，hewouldalsohaveknownthatitwouldbreakanycollectortobuyit。HarrisandIhadbeenhardatworkonourGermanduringseveralweeksatthattime，andalthoughwehadmadegoodprogress，ithadbeenaccomplishedundergreatdifficultyandannoyance，forthreeofourteachershaddiedinthemeantime。
　　ApersonwhohasnotstudiedGermancanformnoideaofwhataperplexinglanguageitis。
　　Surelythereisnotanotherlanguagethatissoslipshodandsystemless，andsoslipperyandelusivetothegrasp。
　　Oneiswashedaboutinit，hitherandthither，inthemosthelplessway；andwhenatlasthethinkshehascapturedarulewhichoffersfirmgroundtotakearestonamidthegeneralrageandturmoilofthetenpartsofspeech，heturnsoverthepageandreads，"LetthepupilmakecarefulnoteofthefollowingEXCEPTIONS。"Herunshiseyedownandfindsthattherearemoreexceptionstotherulethaninstancesofit。Sooverboardhegoesagain，tohuntforanotherAraratandfindanotherquicksand。
　　Suchhasbeen，andcontinuestobe，myexperience。
　　EverytimeIthinkIhavegotoneofthesefourconfusing"cases"whereIammasterofit，aseeminglyinsignificantprepositionintrudesitselfintomysentence，clothedwithanawfulandunsuspectedpower，andcrumblesthegroundfromunderme。Forinstance，mybookinquiresafteracertainbird——itisalwaysinquiringafterthingswhichareofnosortofnoconsequencetoanybody:"Whereisthebird?"Nowtheanswertothisquestion——accordingtothebook——isthatthebirdiswaitingintheblacksmithshoponaccountoftherain。Ofcoursenobirdwoulddothat，butthenyoumuststicktothebook。Verywell，IbegintocipherouttheGermanforthatanswer。Ibeginatthewrongend，necessarily，forthatistheGermanidea。
　　Isaytomyself，"REGENrainismasculine——ormaybeitisfeminine——orpossiblyneuter——itistoomuchtroubletolooknow。Therefore，itiseitherDERtheRegen，orDIEtheRegen，orDAStheRegen，accordingtowhichgenderitmayturnouttobewhenIlook。Intheinterestofscience，Iwillcipheritoutonthehypothesisthatitismasculine。Verywell——thenTHErainisDERRegen，ifitissimplyinthequiescentstateofbeingMENTIONED，withoutenlargementordiscussion——Nominativecase；
　　butifthisrainislyingaround，inakindofageneralwayontheground，itisthendefinitelylocated，itisDOINGSOMETHING——thatis，RESTINGwhichisoneoftheGermangrammar'sideasofdoingsomething，andthisthrowstherainintotheDativecase，andmakesitDEMRegen。However，thisrainisnotresting，butisdoingsomethingACTIVELY，——itisfalling——tointerferewiththebird，likely——andthisindicatesMOVEMENT，whichhastheeffectofslidingitintotheAccusativecaseandchangingDEMRegenintoDENRegen。"Havingcompletedthegrammaticalhoroscopeofthismatter，IanswerupconfidentlyandstateinGermanthatthebirdisstayingintheblacksmithshop"wegenonaccountofDENRegen。"
　　Thentheteacherletsmesoftlydownwiththeremarkthatwhenevertheword"wegen"dropsintoasentence，itALWAYSthrowsthatsubjectintotheGENITIVEcase，regardlessofconsequences——andthereforethisbirdstayedintheblacksmithshop"wegenDESRegens。"
　　N。B——Iwasinformed，later，byahigherauthority，thattherewasan"exception"whichpermitsonetosay"wegenDENRegen"incertainpeculiarandcomplexcircumstances，butthatthisexceptionisnotextendedtoanythingBUTrain。
　　Therearetenpartsofspeech，andtheyarealltroublesome。
　　Anaveragesentence，inaGermannewspaper，isasublimeandimpressivecuriosity；itoccupiesaquarterofacolumn；
　　itcontainsallthetenpartsofspeech——notinregularorder，butmixed；itisbuiltmainlyofcompoundwordsconstructedbythewriteronthespot，andnottobefoundinanydictionary——sixorsevenwordscompactedintoone，withoutjointorseam——thatis，withouthyphens；
　　ittreatsoffourteenorfifteendifferentsubjects，eachenclosedinaparenthesisofitsown，withhereandthereextraparentheses，makingpenswithpens:finally，alltheparenthesesandreparenthesesaremassedtogetherbetweenacoupleofking-parentheses，oneofwhichisplacedinthefirstlineofthemajesticsentenceandtheotherinthemiddleofthelastlineofit——AFTERWHICHCOMES
　　THEVERB，andyoufindoutforthefirsttimewhatthemanhasbeentalkingabout；andaftertheverb——merelybywayofornament，asfarasIcanmakeout——thewritershovelsin"HABENSINDGEWESENGEHABTHAVENGEWORDENSEIN，"
　　orwordstothateffect，andthemonumentisfinished。
　　Isupposethatthisclosinghurrahisinthenatureoftheflourishtoaman'ssignature——notnecessary，butpretty。
　　Germanbooksareeasyenoughtoreadwhenyouholdthembeforethelooking-glassorstandonyourhead——soastoreversetheconstruction——butIthinkthattolearntoreadandunderstandaGermannewspaperisathingwhichmustalwaysremainanimpossibilitytoaforeigner。
　　YeteventheGermanbooksarenotentirelyfreefromattacksoftheParenthesisdistemper——thoughtheyareusuallysomildastocoveronlyafewlines，andthereforewhenyouatlastgetdowntotheverbitcarriessomemeaningtoyourmindbecauseyouareabletorememberagooddealofwhathasgonebefore。NowhereisasentencefromapopularandexcellentGermannovel——whichaslightparenthesisinit。Iwillmakeaperfectlyliteraltranslation，andthrowintheparenthesis-marksandsomehyphensfortheassistanceofthereader——thoughintheoriginaltherearenoparenthesis-marksorhyphens，andthereaderislefttoflounderthroughtotheremoteverbthebestwayhecan:
　　"Butwhenhe，uponthestreet，thein-satin-and-silk-covered-
　　now-very-unconstrained-after-the-newest-fashioned-dressed
　　governmentcounselor'swifeMET，"etc。，etc。[1]
　　1。WenneraberaufderStrassederinSammtundSeidegehu"lltenjetzsehrungenirtnachderneustenmodegekleidetenRegierungsrathinbegegnet。
　　ThatisfromTHEOLDMAMSELLE'SSECRET，byMrs。Marlitt。
　　AndthatsentenceisconstructeduponthemostapprovedGermanmodel。Youobservehowfarthatverbisfromthereader'sbaseofoperations；well，inaGermannewspapertheyputtheirverbawayoveronthenextpage；
　　andIhaveheardthatsometimesafterstringingalongtheexcitingpreliminariesandparenthesesforacolumnortwo，theygetinahurryandhavetogotopresswithoutgettingtotheverbatall。Ofcourse，then，thereaderisleftinaveryexhaustedandignorantstate。
　　WehavetheParenthesisdiseaseinourliterature，too；andonemayseecasesofiteverydayinourbooksandnewspapers:
　　butwithusitisthemarkandsignofanunpracticedwriteroracloudyintellect，whereaswiththeGermansitisdoubtlessthemarkandsignofapracticedpenandofthepresenceofthatsortofluminousintellectualfogwhichstandsforclearnessamongthesepeople。
　　ForsurelyitisNOTclearness——itnecessarilycan'tbeclearness。Evenajurywouldhavepenetrationenoughtodiscoverthat。Awriter'sideasmustbeagooddealconfused，agooddealoutoflineandsequence，whenhestartsouttosaythatamanmetacounselor'swifeinthestreet，andthenrightinthemidstofthissosimpleundertakinghaltstheseapproachingpeopleandmakesthemstandstilluntilhejotsdownaninventoryofthewoman'sdress。Thatismanifestlyabsurd。
　　Itremindsapersonofthosedentistswhosecureyourinstantandbreathlessinterestinatoothbytakingagriponitwiththeforceps，andthenstandthereanddrawlthroughatediousanecdotebeforetheygivethedreadedjerk。
　　Parenthesesinliteratureanddentistryareinbadtaste。
　　TheGermanshaveanotherkindofparenthesis，whichtheymakebysplittingaverbintwoandputtinghalfofitatthebeginningofanexcitingchapterandtheOTHER
　　HALFattheendofit。Cananyoneconceiveofanythingmoreconfusingthanthat?Thesethingsarecalled"separableverbs。"TheGermangrammarisblisteredalloverwithseparableverbs；andthewiderthetwoportionsofoneofthemarespreadapart，thebettertheauthorofthecrimeispleasedwithhisperformance。
　　AfavoriteoneisREISTEAB——whichmeansdeparted。
　　HereisanexamplewhichIculledfromanovelandreducedtoEnglish:
　　"Thetrunksbeingnowready，heDE-afterkissinghismotherandsisters，andoncemorepressingtohisbosomhisadoredGretchen，who，dressedinsimplewhitemuslin，withasingletuberoseintheamplefoldsofherrichbrownhair，hadtotteredfeeblydownthestairs，stillpalefromtheterrorandexcitementofthepastevening，butlongingtolayherpoorachingheadyetonceagainuponthebreastofhimwhomshelovedmoredearlythanlifeitself，PARTED。"
　　However，itisnotwelltodwelltoomuchontheseparableverbs。Oneissuretolosehistemperearly；
　　andifhestickstothesubject，andwillnotbewarned，itwillatlasteithersoftenhisbrainorpetrifyit。
　　Personalpronounsandadjectivesareafruitfulnuisanceinthislanguage，andshouldhavebeenleftout。
　　Forinstance，thesamesound，SIE，meansYOU，anditmeansSHE，anditmeansHER，anditmeansIT，anditmeansTHEY，anditmeansTHEM。Thinkoftheraggedpovertyofalanguagewhichhastomakeoneworddotheworkofsix——andapoorlittleweakthingofonlythreelettersatthat。
　　Butmainly，thinkoftheexasperationofneverknowingwhichofthesemeaningsthespeakeristryingtoconvey。
　　Thisexplainswhy，wheneverapersonsaysSIEtome，Igenerallytrytokillhim，ifastranger。
　　NowobservetheAdjective。Herewasacasewheresimplicitywouldhavebeenanadvantage；therefore，fornootherreason，theinventorofthislanguagecomplicateditallhecould。
　　Whenwewishtospeakofour"goodfriendorfriends，"
　　inourenlightenedtongue，westicktotheoneformandhavenotroubleorhardfeelingaboutit；butwiththeGermantongueitisdifferent。WhenaGermangetshishandsonanadjective，hedeclinesit，andkeepsondecliningituntilthecommonsenseisalldeclinedoutofit。
　　ItisasbadasLatin。Hesays，forinstance:
　　SINGULAR
　　Nominative——MeingutERFreund，mygoodfriend。
　　Genitives——MeinESGutENFreundES，ofmygoodfriend。
　　Dative——MeinEMgutENFreund，tomygoodfriend。
　　Accusative——MeinENgutENFreund，mygoodfriend。
　　PLURAL
　　N——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。G——MeinERgutEN
　　FreundE，ofmygoodfriends。D——MeinENgutENFreundEN，tomygoodfriends。A——MeinEgutENFreundE，mygoodfriends。
　　Nowletthecandidatefortheasylumtrytomemorizethosevariations，andseehowsoonhewillbeelected。
　　OnemightbettergowithoutfriendsinGermanythantakeallthistroubleaboutthem。Ihaveshownwhatabotheritistodeclineagoodmalefriend；wellthisisonlyathirdofthework，forthereisavarietyofnewdistortionsoftheadjectivetobelearnedwhentheobjectisfeminine，andstillanotherwhentheobjectisneuter。
　　NowtherearemoreadjectivesinthislanguagethanthereareblackcatsinSwitzerland，andtheymustallbeaselaboratelydeclinedastheexamplesabovesuggested。
　　Difficult?——troublesome?——thesewordscannotdescribeit。
　　IheardaCalifornianstudentinHeidelbergsay，inoneofhiscalmestmoods，thathewouldratherdeclinetwodrinksthanoneGermanadjective。
　　Theinventorofthelanguageseemstohavetakenpleasureincomplicatingitineverywayhecouldthinkof。
　　Forinstance，ifoneiscasuallyreferringtoahouse，HAUS，orahorse，PFERD，oradog，HUND，hespellsthesewordsasIhaveindicated；butifheisreferringtothemintheDativecase，hesticksonafoolishandunnecessaryEandspellsthemHAUSE，PFERDE，HUNDE。So，asanaddedEoftensignifiestheplural，astheSdoeswithus，thenewstudentislikelytogoonforamonthmakingtwinsoutofaDativedogbeforehediscovershismistake；
　　andontheotherhand，manyanewstudentwhocouldillaffordloss，hasboughtandpaidfortwodogsandonlygotoneofthem，becauseheignorantlyboughtthatdogintheDativesingularwhenhereallysupposedhewastalkingplural——whichleftthelawontheseller'sside，ofcourse，bythestrictrulesofgrammar，andthereforeasuitforrecoverycouldnotlie。
　　InGerman，alltheNounsbeginwithacapitalletter。
　　Nowthatisagoodidea；andagoodidea，inthislanguage，isnecessarilyconspicuousfromitslonesomeness。Iconsiderthiscapitalizingofnounsagoodidea，becausebyreasonofityouarealmostalwaysabletotellanountheminuteyouseeit。Youfallintoerroroccasionally，becauseyoumistakethenameofapersonforthenameofathing，andwasteagooddealoftimetryingtodigameaningoutofit。Germannamesalmostalwaysdomeansomething，andthishelpstodeceivethestudent。Itranslatedapassageoneday，whichsaidthat"theinfuriatedtigressbrokelooseandutterlyateuptheunfortunatefirforest"
　　Tannenwald。WhenIwasgirdingupmyloinstodoubtthis，IfoundoutthatTannenwaldinthisinstancewasaman'sname。
　　Everynounhasagender，andthereisnosenseorsysteminthedistribution；sothegenderofeachmustbelearnedseparatelyandbyheart。Thereisnootherway。
　　Todothisonehastohaveamemorylikeamemorandum-book。
　　InGerman，ayoungladyhasnosex，whileaturniphas。
　　Thinkwhatoverwroughtreverencethatshowsfortheturnip，andwhatcallousdisrespectforthegirl。Seehowitlooksinprint——ItranslatethisfromaconversationinoneofthebestoftheGermanSunday-schoolbooks:
　　"Gretchen。Wilhelm，whereistheturnip?
　　"Wilhelm。Shehasgonetothekitchen。
　　"Gretchen。WhereistheaccomplishedandbeautifulEnglishmaiden?
　　Wilhelm。Ithasgonetotheopera。"
　　TocontinuewiththeGermangenders:atreeismale，itsbudsarefemale，itsleavesareneuter；horsesaresexless，dogsaremale，catsarefemale——tomcatsincluded，ofcourse；
　　aperson'smouth，neck，bosom，elbows，fingers，nails，feet，andbodyareofthemalesex，andhisheadismaleorneuteraccordingtothewordselectedtosignifyit，andNOTaccordingtothesexoftheindividualwhowearsit——forinGermanyallthewomeneithermaleheadsorsexlessones；aperson'snose，lips，shoulders，breast，hands，andtoesareofthefemalesex；andhishair，ears，eyes，chin，legs，knees，heart，andconsciencehaven'tanysexatall。Theinventorofthelanguageprobablygotwhatheknewaboutaconsciencefromhearsay。
　　Now，bytheabovedissection，thereaderwillseethatinGermanyamanmayTHINKheisaman，butwhenhecomestolookintothematterclosely，heisboundtohavehisdoubts；
　　hefindsthatinsobertruthheisamostridiculousmixture；
　　andifheendsbytryingtocomforthimselfwiththethoughtthathecanatleastdependonathirdofthismessasbeingmanlyandmasculine，thehumiliatingsecondthoughtwillquicklyremindhimthatinthisrespectheisnobetteroffthananywomanorcowintheland。
　　IntheGermanitistruethatbysomeoversightoftheinventorofthelanguage，aWomanisafemale；butaWifeWeib
　　isnot——whichisunfortunate。AWife，here，hasnosex；
　　sheisneuter；so，accordingtothegrammar，afishisHE，hisscalesareSHE，butafishwifeisneither。
　　Todescribeawifeassexlessmaybecalledunder-description；
　　thatisbadenough，butover-descriptionissurelyworse。
　　AGermanspeaksofanEnglishmanastheENGLA"NDER；tochangethesex，headdsINN，andthatstandsforEnglishwoman——
　　ENGLA"NDERINN。Thatseemsdescriptiveenough，butstillitisnotexactenoughforaGerman；soheprecedesthewordwiththatarticlewhichindicatesthatthecreaturetofollowisfeminine，andwritesitdownthus:"dieEngla"nderinn，"——whichmeans"theshe-Englishwoman。"
　　Iconsiderthatthatpersonisover-described。
　　Well，afterthestudenthaslearnedthesexofagreatnumberofnouns，heisstillinadifficulty，becausehefindsitimpossibletopersuadehistonguetorefertothingsas"he"and"she，"and"him"and"her，"whichithasbeenalwaysaccustomedtorefertoitas"it。"
　　WhenheevenframesaGermansentenceinhismind，withthehimsandhersintherightplaces，andthenworksuphiscouragetotheutterance-point，itisnouse——
　　themomenthebeginstospeakhistonguefilesthetrackandallthoselaboredmalesandfemalescomeoutas"its。"
　　AndevenwhenheisreadingGermantohimself，healwayscallsthosethings"it，"whereasheoughttoreadinthisway:
　　TALEOFTHEFISHWIFEANDITSSADFATE[2]
　　2。Icapitalizethenouns，intheGermanandancientEnglishfashion。
　　ItisableakDay。HeartheRain，howhepours，andtheHail，howherattles；andseetheSnow，howhedriftsalong，andoftheMud，howdeepheis!AhthepoorFishwife，itisstuckfastintheMire；ithasdroppeditsBasketofFishes；anditsHandshavebeencutbytheScalesasitseizedsomeofthefallingCreatures；andoneScalehasevengotintoitsEye。anditcannotgetherout。
　　ItopensitsMouthtocryforHelp；butifanySoundcomesoutofhim，alasheisdrownedbytheragingoftheStorm。
　　AndnowaTomcathasgotoneoftheFishesandshewillsurelyescapewithhim。No，shebitesoffaFin，sheholdsherinherMouth——willsheswallowher?No，theFishwife'sbraveMother-dogdesertshisPuppiesandrescuestheFin——whichheeats，himself，ashisReward。
　　O，horror，theLightninghasstrucktheFish-basket；
　　hesetshimonFire；seetheFlame，howshelicksthedoomedUtensilwithherredandangryTongue；nowsheattacksthehelplessFishwife'sFoot——sheburnshimup，allbutthebigToe，andevenSHEispartlyconsumed；
　　andstillshespreads，stillshewavesherfieryTongues；
　　sheattackstheFishwife'sLeganddestroysIT；sheattacksitsHandanddestroysHERalso；sheattackstheFishwife'sLeganddestroysHERalso；sheattacksitsBodyandconsumesHIM；
　　shewreathesherselfaboutitsHeartandITisconsumed；
　　nextaboutitsBreast，andinaMomentSHEisaCinder；
　　nowshereachesitsNeck——Hegoes；nowitsChin——
　　ITgoes；nowitsNose——SHEgoes。InanotherMoment，exceptHelpcome，theFishwifewillbenomore。
　　Timepresses——istherenonetosuccorandsave?Yes!Joy，joy，withflyingFeettheshe-Englishwomancomes!Butalas，thegenerousshe-Femaleistoolate:wherenowisthefatedFishwife?IthasceasedfromitsSufferings，ithasgonetoabetterLand；allthatisleftofitforitslovedOnestolamentover，isthispoorsmolderingAsh-heap。Ah，woeful，woefulAsh-heap!Letustakehimuptenderly，reverently，uponthelowlyShovel，andbearhimtohislongRest，withthePrayerthatwhenherisesagainitwillbeaRealmwherehewillhaveonegoodsquareresponsibleSex，andhaveitalltohimself，insteadofhavingamangylotofassortedSexesscatteredalloverhiminSpots——
　　There，now，thereadercanseeforhimselfthatthispronounbusinessisaveryawkwardthingfortheunaccustomedtongue。
　　Isupposethatinalllanguagesthesimilaritiesoflookandsoundbetweenwordswhichhavenosimilarityinmeaningareafruitfulsourceofperplexitytotheforeigner。
　　Itissoinourtongue，anditisnotablythecaseintheGerman。NowthereisthattroublesomewordVERMA"HLT:
　　tomeithassoclosearesemblance——eitherrealorfancied——tothreeorfourotherwords，thatIneverknowwhetheritmeansdespised，painted，suspected，ormarried；
　　untilIlookinthedictionary，andthenIfinditmeansthelatter。Therearelotsofsuchwordsandtheyareagreattorment。ToincreasethedifficultytherearewordswhichSEEMtoresembleeachother，andyetdonot；
　　buttheymakejustasmuchtroubleasiftheydid。
　　Forinstance，thereisthewordVERMIETHENtolet，tolease，tohire；andthewordVERHEIRATHENanotherwayofsayingtomarry。IheardofanEnglishmanwhoknockedataman'sdoorinHeidelbergandproposed，inthebestGermanhecouldcommand，to"verheirathen"thathouse。
　　Thentherearesomewordswhichmeanonethingwhenyouemphasizethefirstsyllable，butmeansomethingverydifferentifyouthrowtheemphasisonthelastsyllable。
　　Forinstance，thereisawordwhichmeansarunaway，ortheactofglancingthroughabook，accordingtotheplacingoftheemphasis；andanotherwordwhichsignifiestoASSOCIATEwithaman，ortoAVOIDhim，accordingtowhereyouputtheemphasis——andyoucangenerallydependonputtingitinthewrongplaceandgettingintotrouble。
　　Therearesomeexceedinglyusefulwordsinthislanguage。
　　SCHLAG，forexample；andZUG。Therearethree-quartersofacolumnofSCHLAGSinthedictonary，andacolumnandahalfofZUGS。ThewordSCHLAGmeansBlow，Stroke，Dash，Hit，Shock，Clap，Slap，Time，Bar，Coin，Stamp，Kind，Sort，Manner，Way，Apoplexy，Wood-cutting，Enclosure，Field，Forest-clearing。ThisisitssimpleandEXACT
　　meaning——thatistosay，itsrestricted，itsfetteredmeaning；
　　buttherearewaysbywhichyoucansetitfree，sothatitcansoaraway，asonthewingsofthemorning，andneverbeatrest。Youcanhanganywordyoupleasetoitstail，andmakeitmeananythingyouwantto。
　　YoucanbeginwithSCHLAG-ADER，whichmeansartery，andyoucanhangonthewholedictionary，wordbyword，clearthroughthealphabettoSCHLAG-WASSER，whichmeansbilge-water——andincludingSCHLAG-MUTTER，whichmeansmother-in-law。
　　JustthesamewithZUG。Strictlyspeaking，ZUGmeansPull，Tug，Draught，Procession，March，Progress，Flight，Direction，Expedition，Train，Caravan，Passage，Stroke，Touch，Line，Flourish，TraitofCharacter，Feature，Lineament，Chess-move，Organ-stop，Team，Whiff，Bias，Drawer，Propensity，Inhalation，Disposition:butthatthingwhichitdoesNOTmean——whenallitslegitimatepennantshavebeenhungon，hasnotbeendiscoveredyet。
　　OnecannotoverestimatetheusefulnessofSCHLAGandZUG。
　　Armedjustwiththesetwo，andthewordALSO，whatcannottheforeigneronGermansoilaccomplish?TheGermanwordALSOistheequivalentoftheEnglishphrase"Youknow，"
　　anddoesnotmeananythingatall——inTALK，thoughitsometimesdoesinprint。EverytimeaGermanopenshismouthanALSOfallsout；andeverytimeheshutsithebitesoneintwothatwastryingtoGETout。
　　Now，theforeigner，equippedwiththesethreenoblewords，ismasterofthesituation。Lethimtalkrightalong，fearlessly；lethimpourhisindifferentGermanforth，andwhenhelacksforaword，lethimheaveaSCHLAGintothevacuum；allthechancesarethatitfitsitlikeaplug，butifitdoesn'tlethimpromptlyheaveaZUGafterit；
　　thetwotogethercanhardlyfailtobungthehole；butif，byamiracle，theySHOULDfail，lethimsimplysayALSO!
　　andthiswillgivehimamoment'schancetothinkoftheneedfulword。InGermany，whenyouloadyourconversationalgunitisalwaysbesttothrowinaSCHLAGortwoandaZUG
　　ortwo，becauseitdoesn'tmakeanydifferencehowmuchtherestofthechargemayscatter，youareboundtobagsomethingwithTHEM。ThenyoublandlysayALSO，andloadupagain。NothinggivessuchanairofgraceandeleganceandunconstrainttoaGermanoranEnglishconversationastoscatteritfullof"Also's"or"Youknows。"
　　Inmynote-bookIfindthisentry:
　　July1——Inthehospitalyesterday，awordofthirteensyllableswassuccessfullyremovedfromapatient——aNorthGermanfromnearHamburg；butasmostunfortunatelythesurgeonshadopenedhiminthewrongplace，undertheimpressionthathecontainedapanorama，hedied。
　　Thesadeventhascastagloomoverthewholecommunity。
　　Thatparagraphfurnishesatextforafewremarksaboutoneofthemostcuriousandnotablefeaturesofmysubject——thelengthofGermanwords。SomeGermanwordsaresolongthattheyhaveaperspective。Observetheseexamples:
　　Freundschaftsbezeigungen。
　　Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten。
　　Stadtverordnetenversammlungen。
　　Thesethingsarenotwords，theyarealphabeticalprocessions。
　　Andtheyarenotrare；onecanopenaGermannewspaperatanytimeandseethemmarchingmajesticallyacrossthepage——andifhehasanyimaginationhecanseethebannersandhearthemusic，too。Theyimpartamartialthrilltothemeekestsubject。Itakeagreatinterestinthesecuriosities。WheneverIcomeacrossagoodone，Istuffitandputitinmymuseum。
　　InthiswayIhavemadequiteavaluablecollection。
　　WhenIgetduplicates，Iexchangewithothercollectors，andthusincreasethevarietyofmystock。HereraresomespecimenswhichIlatelyboughtatanauctionsaleoftheeffectsofabankruptbric-a-brachunter:
　　Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen。
　　Alterthumswissenschaften。
　　Kinderbewahrungsanstalten。
　　Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen。
　　Wiedererstellungbestrebungen。
　　Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen。
　　Ofcoursewhenoneofthesegrandmountainrangesgoesstretchingacrosstheprintedpage，itadornsandennoblesthatliterarylandscape——butatthesametimeitisagreatdistresstothenewstudent，foritblocksuphisway；
　　hecannotcrawlunderit，orclimboverit，ortunnelthroughit。Soheresortstothedictionaryforhelp，butthereisnohelpthere。Thedictionarymustdrawthelinesomewhere——soitleavesthissortofwordsout。
　　Anditisright，becausetheselongthingsarehardlylegitimatewords，butarerathercombinationsofwords，andtheinventorofthemoughttohavebeenkilled。
　　Theyarecompoundwordswiththehyphensleftout。
　　Thevariouswordsusedinbuildingthemareinthedictionary，butinaveryscatteredcondition；soyoucanhuntthematerialsout，onebyone，andgetatthemeaningatlast，butitisatediousandharassingbusiness。
　　Ihavetriedthisprocessuponsomeoftheaboveexamples。
　　"Freundshaftsbezeigungen"seemstobe"Friendshipdemonstrations，"
　　whichisonlyafoolishandclumsywayofsaying"demonstrationsoffriendship。""Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen"seemstobe"Independencedeclarations，"whichisnoimprovementupon"DeclarationsofIndependence，"sofarasIcansee。
　　"Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen"seemstobe"General-statesrepresentativesmeetings，"asnearlyasI
　　cangetatit——amererhythmical，gushyeuphuismfor"meetingsofthelegislature，"Ijudge。Weusedtohaveagooddealofthissortofcrimeinourliterature，butithasgoneoutnow。Weusedtospeakofathingsasa"never-to-be-forgotten"circumstance，insteadofcrampingitintothesimpleandsufficientword"memorable"andthengoingcalmlyaboutourbusinessasifnothinghadhappened。
　　Inthosedayswewerenotcontenttoembalmthethingandburyitdecently，wewantedtobuildamonumentoverit。
　　Butinournewspapersthecompounding-diseaselingersalittletothepresentday，butwiththehyphensleftout，intheGermanfashion。Thisistheshapeittakes:
　　insteadofsaying"Mr。Simmons，clerkofthecountyanddistrictcourts，wasintownyesterday，"thenewformputitthus:"ClerkoftheCountyandDistrictCourtsSimmonswasintownyesterday。"Thissavesneithertimenorink，andhasanawkwardsoundbesides。Oneoftenseesaremarklikethisinourpapers:"MRS。AssistantDistrictAttorneyJohnsonreturnedtohercityresidenceyesterdayfortheseason。"