orwhatdaysthegalleriesareopen，andwhetherapermitisrequired，andwhereyouaretogetit，andwhatyoumustpayforit；orwhenthetheatersopenandclose，whattheplaysaretobe，andthepriceofseats；
　　orwhatisthenewestthinginhats；orhowthebillsofmortalityaverage；or"whostruckBillyPatterson。"
　　Itdoesnotmatterwhatyouaskhim:inninecasesoutoftenheknows，andinthetenthcasehewillfindoutforyoubeforeyoucanturnaroundthreetimes。
　　Thereisnothinghewillnotputhishandto。SupposeyoutellhimyouwishtogofromHamburgtoPekingbythewayofJericho，andareignorantofroutesandprices——
　　thenextmorninghewillhandyouapieceofpaperwiththewholethingworkedoutonittothelastdetail。
　　BeforeyouhavebeenlongonEuropeansoil，youfindyourselfstillSAYINGyouarerelyingonProvidence，butwhenyoucometolookcloseryouwillseethatinrealityyouarerelyingontheportier。Hediscoverswhatispuzzlingyou，orwhatistroublingyou，orwhatyourneedis，beforeyoucangetthehalfofitout，andhepromptlysays，"Leavethattome。"Consequently，youeasilydriftintothehabitofleavingeverythingtohim。ThereisacertainembarrassmentaboutapplyingtotheaverageAmericanhotelclerk，acertainhesitancy，asenseofinsecurityagainstrebuff；butyoufeelnoembarrassmentinyourintercoursewiththeportier；hereceivesyourpropositionswithanenthusiasmwhichcheers，andplungesintotheiraccomplishmentwithanalacritywhichalmostinebriates。
　　Themorerequirementsyoucanpileuponhim，thebetterhelikesit。Ofcoursetheresultisthatyouceasefromdoinganythingforyourself。Hecallsahackwhenyouwantone；
　　putsyouintoit；tellsthedriverwhithertotakeyou；
　　receivesyoulikealong-lostchildwhenyoureturn；
　　sendsyouaboutyourbusiness，doesallthequarrelingwiththehackmanhimself，andpayshimhismoneyoutofhisownpocket。Hesendsforyourtheatertickets，andpaysforthem；hesendsforanypossiblearticleyoucanrequire，beitadoctor，anelephant，orapostagestamp；andwhenyouleave，atlast，youwillfindasubordinateseatedwiththecab-driverwhowillputyouinyourrailwaycompartment，buyyourtickets，haveyourbaggageweighed，bringyoutheprintedtags，andtellyoueverythingisinyourbillandpaidfor。
　　Athomeyougetsuchelaborate，excellent，andwillingserviceasthisonlyinthebesthotelsofourlargecities；
　　butinEuropeyougetitinthemerebackcountry-townsjustaswell。
　　Whatisthesecretoftheportier'sdevotion?Itisverysimple:hegetsFEES，ANDNOSALARY。Hisfeeisprettycloselyregulated，too。Ifyoustayaweek，yougivehimfivemarks——adollarandaquarter，orabouteighteencentsaday。Ifyoustayamonth，youreducethisaveragesomewhat。Ifyoustaytwoorthreemonthsorlonger，youcutitdownhalf，orevenmorethanhalf。
　　Ifyoustayonlyoneday，yougivetheportieramark。
　　Theheadwaiter'sfeeisashadelessthantheportier's；
　　theBoots，whonotonlyblacksyourbootsandbrushesyourclothes，butisusuallytheporterandhandlesyourbaggage，getsasomewhatsmallerfeethantheheadwaiter；
　　thechambermaid'sfeeranksbelowthatoftheBoots。
　　Youfeeonlythesefour，andnooneelse。AGermangentlemantoldmethatwhenheremainedaweekinahotel，hegavetheportierfivemarks，theheadwaiterfour，theBootsthree，andthechambermaidtwo；andifhestayedthreemonthshedividedninetymarksamongthem，inabouttheaboveproportions。Ninetymarksmake$22。50。
　　Noneofthesefeesareeverpaiduntilyouleavethehotel，thoughitbeayear——exceptoneofthesefourservantsshouldgoawayinthemeantime；inthatcasehewillbesuretocomeandbidyougood-byandgiveyoutheopportunitytopayhimwhatisfairlycomingtohim。
　　Itisconsideredverybadpolicytofeeaservantwhileyouarestilltoremainlongerinthehotel，becauseifyougavehimtoolittlehemightneglectyouafterward，andifyougavehimtoomuchhemightneglectsomebodyelsetoattendtoyou。Itisconsideredbesttokeephisexpectations"onastring"untilyourstayinconcluded。
　　IdonotknowwhetherhotelservantsinNewYorkgetanywagesornot，butIdoknowthatinsomeofthehotelstherethefeeingsysteminvogueisaheavyburden。Thewaiterexpectsaquarteratbreakfast——andgetsit。Youhaveadifferentwaiteratluncheon，andsohegetsaquarter。
　　Yourwaiteratdinnerisanotherstranger——consequentlyhegetsaquarter。Theboywhocarriesyoursatcheltoyourroomandlightsyourgasfumblesaroundandhangsaroundsignificantly，andyoufeehimtogetridofhim。
　　Nowyoumayringforice-water；andtenminuteslaterforalemonade；andtenminutesafterward，foracigar；
　　andbyandbyforanewspaper——andwhatistheresult?Why，anewboyhasappearedeverytimeandfooledandfumbledarounduntilyouhavepaidhimsomething。Supposeyouboldlyputyourfootdown，andsayitisthehotel'sbusinesstopayitsservants?Youwillhavetoringyourbelltenorfifteentimesbeforeyougetaservantthere；
　　andwhenhegoesofftofillyourorderyouwillgrowoldandinfirmbeforeyouseehimagain。Youmaystrugglenoblyfortwenty-fourhours，maybe，ifyouareanadamantinesortofperson，butinthemeantimeyouwillhavebeensowretchedlyserved，andsoinsolently，thatyouwillhauldownyourcolors，andgotoimpoverishingyourselfwithfees。
　　ItseemstomethatitwouldbeahappyideatoimporttheEuropeanfeeingsystemintoAmerica。IbelieveitwouldresultingettingeventhebellsofthePhiladelphiahotelsanswered，andcheerfulservicerendered。
　　ThegreatestAmericanhotelskeepanumberofclerksandacashier，andpaythemsalarieswhichmountuptoaconsiderabletotalinthecourseofayear。
　　Thegreatcontinentalhotelskeepacashieronatriflingsalary，andaportierWHOPAYSTHEHOTELASALARY。
　　Bythelattersystemboththehotelandthepublicsavemoneyandarebetterservedthanbyoursystem。
　　OneofourconsulstoldmethataportierofagreatBerlinhotelpaidfivethousanddollarsayearforhisposition，andyetclearedsixthousanddollarsforhimself。
　　ThepositionofportierinthechiefhotelsofSaratoga，LongBranch，NewYork，andsimilarcentersofresort，wouldbeonewhichtheholdercouldaffordtopayevenmorethanfivethousanddollarsfor，perhaps。
　　WhenweborrowedthefeeingfashionfromEuropeadozenyearsago，thesalarysystemoughttohavebeendiscontinued，ofcourse。Wemightmakethiscorrectionnow，Ishouldthink。
　　Andwemightaddtheportier，too。SinceIfirstbegantostudytheportier，IhavehadopportunitiestoobservehiminthechiefcitiesofGermany，Switzerland，andItaly；
　　andthemoreIhaveseenofhimthemoreIhavewishedthathemightbeadoptedinAmerica，andbecomethere，asheisinEurope，thestranger'sguardianangel。
　　Yes，whatwastrueeighthundredyearsago，isjustastruetoday:"Fewtherebethatcankeepahotel。"
　　Perhapsitisbecausethelandlordsandtheirsubordinateshaveintoomanycasestakenuptheirtradewithoutfirstlearningit。InEuropethetradeofhotel-keeperistaught。
　　Theapprenticebeginsatthebottomoftheladderandmasterstheseveralgradesoneaftertheother。
　　Justasinourcountryprinting-officestheapprenticefirstlearnshowtosweepoutandbringwater；
　　thenlearnsto"roll"；thentosort"pi"；thentosettype；
　　andfinallyroundsandcompleteshiseducationwithjob-workandpress-work；sothelandlord-apprenticeservesascall-boy；thenasunder-waiter；thenasaparlorwaiter；
　　thenasheadwaiter，inwhichpositionheoftenhastomakeoutallthebills；thenasclerkorcashier；
　　thenasportier。Histradeislearnednow，andbyandbyhewillassumethestyleanddignityoflandlord，andbefoundconductingahotelofhisown。
　　NowinEurope，thesameasinAmerica，whenamanhaskeptahotelsothoroughlywellduringanumberofyearsastogiveitagreatreputation，hehashisreward。
　　Hecanliveprosperouslyonthatreputation。Hecanlethishotelrundowntothelastdegreeofshabbinessandyethaveitfullofpeopleallthetime。Forinstance，thereistheHo^teldeVille，inMilan。Itswarmswithmiceandfleas，andiftherestoftheworldweredestroyeditcouldfurnishdirtenoughtostartanotheronewith。
　　Thefoodwouldcreateaninsurrectioninapoorhouse；
　　andyetifyougooutsidetogetyourmealsthathotelmakesupitslossbyoverchargingyouonallsortsoftrifles——andwithoutmakinganydenialsorexcusesaboutit，either。ButtheHo^teldeVille'soldexcellentreputationstillkeepsitsdrearyroomscrowdedwithtravelerswhowouldbeelsewhereiftheyhadonlysomewisefriendtowarnthem。
　　APPENDIXB
　　HeidelbergCastleHeidelbergCastlemusthavebeenverybeautifulbeforetheFrenchbatteredandbruisedandscorchedittwohundredyearsago。Thestoneisbrown，withapinkishtint，anddoesnotseemtostaineasily。Thedaintyandelaborateornamentationuponitstwochieffrontsisasdelicatelycarvedasifithadbeenintendedfortheinteriorofadrawing-roomratherthanfortheoutsideofahouse。
　　Manyfruitandflowerclusters，humanheadsandgrimprojectinglions'headsarestillasperfectineverydetailasiftheywerenew。Butthestatueswhicharerankedbetweenthewindowshavesuffered。Thesearelife-sizestatuesofold-timeemperors，electors，andsimilargrandees，cladinmailandbearingponderousswords。
　　Somehavelostanarm，someahead，andonepoorfellowischoppedoffatthemiddle。Thereisasayingthatifastrangerwillpassoverthedrawbridgeandwalkacrossthecourttothecastlefrontwithoutsayinganything，hecanmadeawishanditwillbefulfilled。Buttheysaythatthetruthofthisthinghasneverhadachancetobeproved，forthereasonthatbeforeanystrangercanwalkfromthedrawbridgetotheappointedplace，thebeautyofthepalacefrontwillextortanexclamationofdelightfromhim。
　　Aruinmustberightlysituated，tobeeffective。
　　Thisonecouldnothavebeenbetterplaced。Itstandsuponacommandingelevation，itisburiedingreenwords，thereisnolevelgroundaboutit，but，onthecontrary，therearewoodedterracesuponterraces，andonelooksdownthroughshiningleavesintoprofoundchasmsandabysseswheretwilightreignsandthesuncannotintrude。
　　Natureknowshowtogarnisharuintogetthebesteffect。
　　Oneoftheseoldtowersissplitdownthemiddle，andonehalfhastumbledaside。Ittumbledinsuchawayastoestablishitselfinapicturesqueattitude。Thenallitlackedwasafittingdrapery，andNaturehasfurnishedthat；
　　shehasrobedtheruggedmassinflowersandverdure，andmadeitacharmtotheeye。Thestandinghalfexposesitsarchedandcavernousroomstoyou，likeopen，toothlessmouths；there，too，thevinesandflowershavedonetheirworkofgrace。Therearportionofthetowerhasnotbeenneglected，either，butisclothedwithaclinginggarmentofpolishedivywhichhidesthewoundsandstainsoftime。Eventhetopisnotleftbare，butiscrownedwithaflourishinggroupoftreesandshrubs。
　　Misfortunehasdoneforthisoldtowerwhatithasdoneforthehumancharactersometimes——improvedit。
　　Agentlemanremarked，oneday，thatitmighthavebeenfinetoliveinthecastleinthedayofitsprime，butthatwehadoneadvantagewhichitsvanishedinhabitantslacked——theadvantageofhavingacharmingruintovisitandmuseover。Butthatwasahastyidea。
　　ThosepeoplehadtheadvantageofUS。Theyhadthefinecastletolivein，andtheycouldcrosstheRhinevalleyandmuseoverthestatelyruinofTrifelsbesides。
　　TheTrifelspeople，intheirday，fivehundredyearsago，couldgoandmuseovermajesticruinsthathavevanished，now，tothelaststone。Therehavealwaysbeenruins，nodoubt；andtherehavealwaysbeenpensivepeopletosighoverthem，andassestoscratchuponthemtheirnamesandtheimportantdateoftheirvisit。WithinahundredyearsafterAdamleftEden，theguideprobablygavetheusualgeneralflourishwithhishandandsaid:"Placewheretheanimalswerenamed，ladiesandgentlemen；
　　placewherethetreeoftheforbiddenfruitstood；
　　exactspotwhereAdamandEvefirstmet；andhere，ladiesandgentlemen，adornedandhallowedbythenamesandaddressesofthreegenerationsoftourists，wehavethecrumblingremainsofCain'saltar——fineoldruin!"
　　Then，nodoubt，hetaxedthemashekelapieceandletthemgo。
　　AnilluminationofHeidelbergCastleisoneofthesightsofEurope。TheCastle'spicturesqueshape；
　　itscommandingsituation，midwayupthesteepandwoodedmountainside；itsvastsize——thesefeaturescombinetomakeanilluminationamosteffectivespectacle。
　　Itisnecessarilyanexpensiveshow，andconsequentlyratherinfrequent。Thereforewheneveroneoftheseexhibitionsistotakeplace，thenewsgoesaboutinthepapersandHeidelbergissuretobefullofpeopleonthatnight。
　　Iandmyagenthadoneoftheseopportunities，andimprovedit。
　　Abouthalfpastsevenontheappointedeveningwecrossedthelowerbridge，withsomeAmericanstudents，inapouringrain，andstarteduptheroadwhichborderstheNeunheimsideoftheriver。Thisroadwaywasdenselypackedwithcarriagesandfoot-passengers；theformerofallages，andthelatterofallagesandbothsexes。
　　Thisblackandsolidmasswasstrugglingpainfullyonward，throughtheslop，thedarkness，andthedeluge。
　　Wewadedalongforthree-quartersofamile，andfinallytookupapositioninanunshelteredbeer-gardendirectlyoppositetheCastle。WecouldnotSEEtheCastle——oranythingelse，forthatmatter——butwecoulddimlydiscerntheoutlinesofthemountainovertheway，throughthepervadingblackness，andknewwhereaboutstheCastlewaslocated。Westoodononeofthehundredbenchesinthegarden，underourumbrellas；theotherninety-ninewereoccupiedbystandingmenandwomen，andtheyalsohadumbrellas。Alltheregionroundabout，andupanddowntheriver-road，wasadensewildernessofhumanityhiddenunderanunbrokenpavementofcarriagetopsandumbrellas。Thuswestoodduringtwodrenchinghours。
　　Norainfellonmyhead，buttheconvergingwhalebonepointsofadozenneighboringumbrellaspouredlittlecoolingsteamsofwaterdownmyneck，andsometimesintomyears，andthuskeptmefromgettinghotandimpatient。
　　Ihadtherheumatism，too，andhadheardthatthiswasgoodforit。Afterward，however，IwasledtobelievethatthewatertreatmentisNOTgoodforrheumatism。
　　Therewereevenlittlegirlsinthatdreadfulplace。
　　Amenheldoneinhisarms，justinfrontofme，forasmuchasanhour，withumbrella-drippingssoakingintoherclothingallthetime。
　　Inthecircumstances，twohourswasagoodwhileforustohavetowait，butwhentheilluminationdidatlastcome，wefeltrepaid。Itcameunexpectedly，ofcourse——thingsalwaysdo，thathavebeenlonglookedandlongedfor。
　　Withaperfectlybreath-takingsuddennessseveralmastsheavesofvaricoloredrocketswerevomitedskywardoutoftheblackthroatsoftheCastletowers，accompaniedbyathunderingcrashofsound，andinstantlyeverydetailoftheprodigiousruinstoodrevealedagainstthemountainsideandglowingwithanalmostintolerablesplendoroffireandcolor。Forsomelittletimethewholebuildingwasablindingcrimsonmass，thetowerscontinuedtospoutthickcolumnsofrocketsaloft，andoverheadtheskywasradiantwitharrowyboltswhichclovetheirwaytothezenith，paused，curvedgracefullydownward，thenburstintobrilliantfountain-spraysofrichlycoloredsparks。
　　Theredfiresdiedslowlydown，withintheCastle，andpresentlytheshellgrewnearlyblackoutside；
　　theangryglarethatshoneoutthroughthebrokenarchesandinnumerablesashlesswindows，now，reproducedtheaspectwhichtheCastlemusthaveborneintheoldtimewhentheFrenchspoilerssawthemonsterbonfirewhichtheyhadmadetherefadingandspoilingtowardextinction。
　　Whilewestillgazedandenjoyed，theruinwassuddenlyenvelopedinrollingandrumblingvolumesofvaporousgreenfire；thenindazzlingpurpleones；thenamixtureofmanycolorsfollowed，thendrownedthegreatfabricinitsblendedsplendors。Meantimethenearestbridgehadbeenilluminated，andfromseveralraftsanchoredintheriver，meteorshowersofrockets，Romancandles，bombs，serpents，andCatharinewheelswerebeingdischargedinwastefulprofusionintothesky——amarveloussightindeedtoapersonaslittleusedtosuchspectaclesasIwas。
　　Forawhilethewholeregionaboutusseemedasbrightasday，andyettherainwasfallingintorrentsallthetime。
　　Theevening'sentertainmentpresentlyclosed，andwejoinedtheinnumerablecaravanofhalf-drownedstrangers，andwadedhomeagain。
　　TheCastlegroundsareveryampleandverybeautiful；
　　andastheyjoinedtheHotelgrounds，withnofencestoclimb，butonlysomenoblyshadedstonestairwaystodescend，wespentapartofnearlyeverydayinidlingthroughtheirsmoothwalksandleafygroves。
　　Therewasanattractivespotamongthetreeswherewereagreatmanywoodentablesandbenches；andthereonecouldsitintheshadeandpretendtosipathisfoamybeakerofbeerwhileheinspectedthecrowd。Isaypretend，becauseIonlypretendedtosip，withoutreallysipping。
　　Thatisthepoliteway；butwhenyouarereadytogo，youemptythebeakeratadraught。Therewasabrassband，anditfurnishedexcellentmusiceveryafternoon。
　　Sometimessomanypeoplecamethateveryseatwasoccupied，everytablefilled。Andneveraroughintheassemblace——allnicelydressedfathersandmothers，younggentlemenandladiesandchildren；andplentyofuniversitystudentsandglitteringofficers；withhereandthereagrayprofessor，orapeacefuloldladywithherknitting；
　　andalwaysasprinklingofgawkyforeigners。
　　Everybodyhadhisglassofbeerbeforehim，orhiscupofcoffee，orhisbottleofwine，orhishotcutletandpotatoes；youngladieschatted，orfannedthemselves，orwroughtattheircrochetingorembroidering；
　　thestudentsfedsugartotheirdogs，ordiscussedduels，orillustratednewfencingtrickswiththeirlittlecanes；
　　andeverywherewascomfortandenjoyment，andeverywherepeaceandgood-willtomen。Thetreeswerejubilantwithbirds，andthepathswithrollickingchildren。
　　Onecouldhaveaseatinthatplaceandplentyofmusic，anyafternoon，forabouteightcents，orafamilyticketfortheseasonfortwodollars。
　　Forachange，whenyouwantedone，youcouldstrolltotheCastle，andburrowamongitsdungeons，orclimbaboutitsruinedtowers，orvisititsinteriorshows——thegreatHeidelbergTun，forinstance。EverybodyhasheardofthegreatHeidelbergTun，andmostpeoplehaveseenit，nodoubt。Itisawine-caskasbigasacottage，andsometraditionssayitholdseighteenthousandbottles，andothertraditionssayitholdseighteenhundredmillionbarrels。
　　Ithinkitlikelythatoneofthesestatementsisamistake，andtheotherisalie。However，themerematterofcapacityisathingofnosortofconsequence，sincethecaskisempty，andindeedhasalwaysbeenempty，historysays。Anemptycaskthesizeofacathedralcouldexcitebutlittleemotioninme。Idonotseeanywisdominbuildingamonstercasktohoardupemptinessin，whenyoucangetabetterquality，outside，anyday，freeofexpense。Whatcouldthiscaskhavebeenbuiltfor?Themoreonestudiesoverthat，themoreuncertainandunhappyhebecomes。Somehistorianssaythatthirtycouples，somesaythirtythousandcouples，candanceontheheadofthiscaskatthesametime。
　　Eventhisdoesnotseemtometoaccountforthebuildingofit。Itdoesnoteventhrowlightonit。AprofoundandscholarlyEnglishman——aspecialist——whohadmadethegreatHeidelbergTunhissolestudyforfifteenyears，toldmehehadatlastsatisfiedhimselfthattheancientsbuiltittomakeGermancreamin。HesaidthattheaverageGermancowyieldedfromonetotwoandhalfteaspoonsofmilk，whenshewasnotworkedintheploworthehay-wagonmorethaneighteenornineteenhoursaday。Thismilkwasverysweetandgood，andabeautifultransparentbluishtint；butinordertogetcreamfromitinthemosteconomicalway，apeculiarprocesswasnecessary。
　　Nowhebelievedthatthehabitoftheancientswastocollectseveralmilkingsinateacup，pouritintotheGreatTun，fillupwithwater，andthenskimoffthecreamfromtimetotimeastheneedsoftheGermanEmpiredemanded。
　　Thisbegantolookreasonable。ItcertainlybegantoaccountfortheGermancreamwhichIhadencounteredandmarveledoverinsomanyhotelsandrestaurants。
　　Butathoughtstruckme——
　　"Whydidnoteachancientdairymantakehisownteacupofmilkandhisowncaskofwater，andmixthem，withoutmakingagovernmentmatterofit?'
　　"Wherecouldhegetacasklargeenoughtocontaintherightproportionofwater?"
　　Verytrue。ItwasplainthattheEnglishmanhadstudiedthematterfromallsides。StillIthoughtImightcatchhimononepoint；soIaskedhimwhythemodernempiredidnotmakethenation'screamintheHeidelbergTun，insteadofleavingittorotawayunused。Butheansweredasoneprepared——
　　"ApatientanddiligentexaminationofthemodernGermancreamhadsatisfiedmethattheydonotusetheGreatTunnow，becausetheyhavegotaBIGGERonehidawaysomewhere。
　　EitherthatisthecaseortheyemptythespringmilkingsintothemountaintorrentsandthenskimtheRhineallsummer。"
　　ThereisamuseumofantiquitiesintheCastle，andamongitsmosttreasuredrelicsareancientmanuscriptsconnectedwithGermanhistory。Therearehundredsofthese，andtheirdatesstretchbackthroughmanycenturies。
　　OneofthemisadecreesignedandsealedbythehandofasuccessorofCharlemagne，intheyear896。
　　Asignaturemadebyahandwhichvanishedoutofthislifenearathousandyearsago，isamoreimpressivethingthanevenaruinedcastle。Luther'swedding-ringwasshownme；
　　alsoaforkbelongingtoatimeanteriortoourera，andanearlybookjack。Andtherewasaplastercastoftheheadofamanwhowasassassinatedaboutsixtyyearsago。Thestab-woundsinthefacewereduplicatedwithunpleasantfidelity。Oneortworealhairsstillremainedstickingintheeyebrowsofthecast。
　　Thattrifleseemedtoalmostchangethecounterfeitintoacorpse。
　　Therearemanyagedportraits——somevaluable，someworthless；
　　someofgreatinterest，someofnoneatall。Iboughtacouple——oneagorgeousdukeoftheoldentime，andtheotheracomelyblue-eyeddamsel，aprincess，maybe。Iboughtthemtostartaportrait-galleryofmyancestorswith。
　　Ipaidadollarandahalfforthedukeandahalffortheprincess。Onecanlayinancestorsatevencheaperratesthanthese，inEurope，ifhewillmouseamongoldpictureshopsandlookoutforchances。
　　APPENDIXC
　　TheCollegePrisonItseemsthatthestudentmaybreakagoodmanyofthepubliclawswithouthavingtoanswertothepublicauthorities。
　　HiscasemustcomebeforetheUniversityfortrialandpunishment。Ifapolicemancatcheshiminanunlawfulactandproceedstoarresthim，theoffenderproclaimsthatheisastudent，andperhapsshowshismatriculationcard，whereupontheofficerasksforhisaddress，thengoeshisway，andreportsthematteratheadquarters。Iftheoffenseisoneoverwhichthecityhasnojurisdiction，theauthoritiesreportthecaseofficiallytotheUniversity，andgivethemselvesnofurtherconcernaboutit。
　　TheUniversitycourtsendforthestudent，listentotheevidence，andpronouncejudgment。ThepunishmentusuallyinflictedisimprisonmentintheUniversityprison。
　　AsIunderstandit，astudent'scaseisoftentriedwithouthisbeingpresentatall。Thensomethinglikethishappens:AconstableintheserviceoftheUniversityvisitsthelodgingsofthesaidstudent，knocks，isinvitedtocomein，doesso，andsayspolitely——
　　"Ifyouplease，Iamheretoconductyoutoprison。"
　　"Ah，"saysthestudent，"Iwasnotexpectingit。
　　WhathaveIbeendoing?"
　　"Twoweeksagothepublicpeacehadthehonortobedisturbedbyyou。"
　　"Itistrue；Ihadforgottenit。Verywell:Ihavebeencomplainedof，tried，andfoundguilty——isthatit?"
　　"Exactly。Youaresentencedtotwodays'solitaryconfinementintheCollegeprison，andIamsenttofetchyou。"
　　STUDENT。"O，Ican'tgotoday。"
　　OFFICER。"Ifyouplease——why?"
　　STUDENT。"BecauseI'vegotanengagement。"
　　OFFICER。"Tomorrow，then，perhaps?"
　　STUDENT。"No，Iamgoingtotheopera，tomorrow。"
　　OFFICER。"CouldyoucomeFriday?"
　　STUDENT。Reflectively。"Letmesee——Friday——Friday。
　　Idon'tseemtohaveanythingonhandFriday。"
　　OFFICER。"Then，ifyouplease，IwillexpectyouonFriday。"
　　STUDENT。"Allright，I'llcomearoundFriday。"
　　OFFICER。"Thankyou。Goodday，sir。"
　　STUDENT。"Goodday。"
　　SoonFridaythestudentgoestotheprisonofhisownaccord，andisadmitted。
　　Itisquestionableiftheworld'scriminalhistorycanshowacustommoreoddthanthis。Nobodyknows，now，howitoriginated。Therehavealwaysbeenmanynoblemenamongthestudents，anditispresumedthatallstudentsaregentlemen；intheoldtimesitwasusualtomartheconvenienceofsuchfolkaslittleaspossible；
　　perhapsthisindulgentcustomowesitsorigintothis。
　　OnedayIwaslisteningtosomeconversationuponthissubjectwhenanAmericanstudentsaidthatforsometimehehadbeenundersentenceforaslightbreachofthepeaceandhadpromisedtheconstablethathewouldpresentlyfindanunoccupieddayandbetakehimselftoprison。
　　Iaskedtheyounggentlemantodomethekindnesstogotojailassoonasheconvenientlycould，sothatImighttrytogetinthereandvisithim，andseewhatcollegecaptivitywaslike。Hesaidhewouldappointtheveryfirstdayhecouldspare。
　　Hisconfinementwastoenduretwenty-fourhours。Heshortlychosehisday，andsentmeword。Istartedimmediately。
　　WhenIreachedtheUniversityPlace，Isawtwogentlementalkingtogether，and，astheyhadportfoliosundertheirarms，Ijudgedtheyweretutorsorelderlystudents；
　　soIaskedtheminEnglishtoshowmethecollegejail。
　　IhadlearnedtotakeitforgrantedthatanybodyinGermanywhoknowsanything，knowsEnglish，soIhadstoppedafflictingpeoplewithmyGerman。Thesegentlemenseemedatrifleamused——andatrifleconfused，too——butoneofthemsaidhewouldwalkaroundthecornerwithmeandshowmetheplace。HeaskedmewhyIwantedtogetinthere，andIsaidtoseeafriend——andforcuriosity。
　　HedoubtedifIwouldbeadmitted，butvolunteeredtoputinawordortwoformewiththecustodian。
　　Herangthebell，adooropened，andwesteppedintoapavedwayandthenupintoasmallliving-room，wherewewerereceivedbyaheartyandgood-naturedGermanwomanoffifty。
　　Shethrewupherhandswithasurprised"ACHGOTT，HERRPROFESSOR!"andexhibitedamightydeferenceformynewacquaintance。BythesparkleinhereyeIjudgedshewasagooddealamused，too。The"HerrProfessor"
　　talkedtoherinGerman，andIunderstoodenoughofittoknowthathewasbringingveryplausiblereasonstobearforadmittingme。Theyweresuccessful。SotheHerrProfessorreceivedmyearnestthanksanddeparted。
　　Theolddamegotherkeys，tookmeuptwoorthreeflightsofstairs，unlockedadoor，andwestoodinthepresenceofthecriminal。Thenshewentintoajollyandeagerdescriptionofallthathadoccurreddownstairs，andwhattheHerrProfessorhadsaid，andsoforthandsoon。
　　Plainly，sheregardeditasquiteasuperiorjokethatIhadwaylaidaProfessorandemployedhiminsooddaservice。
　　ButIwouldn'thavedoneitifIhadknownhewasaProfessor；
　　thereforemyconsciencewasnotdisturbed。
　　Nowthedameleftustoourselves。Thecellwasnotaroomyone；
　　stillitwasalittlelargerthananordinaryprisoncell。
　　Ithadawindowofgoodsize，iron-grated；asmallstove；
　　twowoodenchairs；twooakentables，veryoldandmostelaboratelycarvedwithnames，mottoes，faces，armorialbearings，etc——theworkofseveralgenerationsofimprisonedstudents；andanarrowwoodenbedsteadwithavillainousstrawmattress，butnosheets，pillows，blankets，orcoverlets——forthesethestudentmustfurnishathisowncostifhewantsthem。Therewasnocarpet，ofcourse。
　　Theceilingwascompletelycoveredwithnames，dates，andmonograms，donewithcandle-smoke。Thewallswerethicklycoveredwithpicturesandportraitsinprofile，somedonewithink，somewithsoot，somewithapencil，andsomewithred，blue，andgreenchalks；andwheneveraninchortwoofspacehadremainedbetweenthepictures，thecaptiveshadwrittenplaintiveverses，ornamesanddates。IdonotthinkIwaseverinamoreelaboratelyfrescoedapartment。
　　Againstthewallhungaplacardcontainingtheprisonlaws。
　　Imadeanoteofoneortwoofthese。Forinstance:
　　Theprisonermustpay，forthe"privilege"ofentering，asumequivalentto20centsofourmoney；fortheprivilegeofleaving，whenhistermhadexpired，20cents；foreverydayspentintheprison，12cents；forfireandlight，12centsaday。Thejailerfurnishescoffee，mornings，forasmallsum；dinnersandsuppersmaybeorderedfromoutsideiftheprisonerchooses——andheisallowedtopayforthem，too。
　　Hereandthere，onthewalls，appearedthenamesofAmericanstudents，andinoneplacetheAmericanarmsandmottoweredisplayedincoloredchalks。
　　WiththehelpofmyfriendItranslatedmanyoftheinscriptions。
　　Someofthemwerecheerful，othersthereverse。
　　Iwillgivethereaderafewspecimens:
　　"Inmytenthsemestermybestone，Iamcastherethroughthecomplaintsofothers。Letthosewhofollowmetakewarning。"
　　"IIITAGEOHNEGRUNDANGEBLICHAUSNEUGIERDE。"Whichistosay，hehadacuriositytoknowwhatprisonlifewaslike；
　　sohemadeabreachinsomelawandgotthreedaysforit。
　　Itismorethanlikelythatheneverhadthesamecuriosityagain。
　　TRANSLATION。"E。Glinicke，fourdaysforbeingtooeageraspectatorofarow。"
　　"F。GrafBismarck——27-29，II，'74。"WhichmeansthatCountBismarck，sonofthegreatstatesman，wasaprisonertwodaysin1874。
　　TRANSLATION。"R。Diergandt——forLove——4days。"
　　Manypeopleinthisworldhavecaughtitheavierthanforthesameindiscretion。