Thethoughtofthisgivesthesharpestpangthatthetragicstoryconveys。
　　TheauthoroftheHISTOIREDUMONTBLANCintroducedtheclosingsentencesofMr。Bean'spatheticrecordthus:
　　"Herethecharactersarelargeandunsteady；thehandwhichtracesthemisbecomechilledandtorpid；
　　butthespiritsurvives，andthefaithandresignationofthedyingmanareexpressedwithasublimesimplicity。"
　　Perhapsthisnote-bookwillbefoundandsenttoyou。
　　Wehavenothingtoeat，myfeetarealreadyfrozen，andIamexhausted；Ihavestrengthtowriteonlyafewwordsmore。IhaveleftmeansforC'seducation；Iknowyouwillemploythemwisely。IdiewithfaithinGod，andwithlovingthoughtsofyou。Farewelltoall。
　　Weshallmeetagain，inHeaven……Ithinkofyoualways。
　　ItisthewayoftheAlpstodeliverdeathtotheirvictimswithamercifulswiftness，butheretherulefailed。
　　Thesemensufferedthebitterestdeaththathasbeenrecordedinthehistoryofthosemountains，freightedasthathistoryiswithgrislytragedies。
　　CHAPTERXLVI
　　[MeetingaHogonaPrecipice]
　　Mr。HarrisandItooksomeguidesandportersandascendedtotheHo^teldesPyramides，whichisperchedonthehighmorainewhichborderstheGlacierdesBossons。
　　Theroadledsharplyuphill，alltheway，throughgrassandflowersandwoods，andwasapleasantwalk，barringthefatigueoftheclimb。
　　Fromthehotelwecouldviewthehugeglacieratverycloserange。Afterarestwefolloweddownapathwhichhadbeenmadeinthesteepinnerfrontageofthemoraine，andsteppedupontheglacieritself。
　　Oneoftheshowsoftheplacewasatunnel-likecavern，whichhadbeenhewnintheglacier。Theproprietorofthistunneltookcandlesandconductedusintoit。
　　Itwasthreeorfourfeetwideandaboutsixfeethigh。
　　Itswallsofpureandsolidiceemittedasoftandrichbluelightthatproducedalovelyeffect，andsuggestedenchantedcaves，andthatsortofthing。Whenwehadproceededsomeyardsandwereenteringdarkness，weturnedaboutandhadadaintysunlitpictureofdistantwoodsandheightsframedinthestrongarchofthetunnelandseenthroughthetenderblueradianceofthetunnel'satmosphere。
　　Thecavernwasnearlyahundredyardslong，andwhenwereacheditsinnerlimittheproprietorsteppedintoabranchtunnelwithhiscandlesandleftusburiedinthebowelsoftheglacier，andinpitch-darkness。Wejudgedhispurposewasmurderandrobbery；sowegotoutourmatchesandpreparedtosellourlivesasdearlyaspossiblebysettingtheglacieronfireiftheworstcametotheworst——butwesoonperceivedthatthismanhadchangedhismind；hebegantosing，inadeep，melodiousvoice，andwokesomecuriousandpleasingechoes。Byandbyhecamebackandpretendedthatthatwaswhathehadgonebehindtherefor。Webelievedasmuchofthataswewantedto。
　　Thusourliveshadbeenoncemoreinimminentperil，butbytheexerciseoftheswiftsagacityandcoolcouragewhichhadsavedussooften，wehadaddedanotherescapetothelonglist。Thetouristshouldvisitthatice-cavern，byallmeans，foritiswellworththetrouble；butIwouldadvisehimtogoonlywithastrongandwell-armedforce。
　　Idonotconsiderartillerynecessary，yetitwouldnotbeunadvisabletotakeitalong，ifconvenient。Thejourney，goingandcoming，isaboutthreemilesandahalf，threeofwhichareonlevelground。Wemadeitinlessthanaday，butIwouldcounseltheunpracticed——ifnotpressedfortime——toallowthemselvestwo。NothingisgainedintheAlpsbyover-exertion；nothingisgainedbycrowdingtwodays'workintooneforthepoorsakeofbeingabletoboastoftheexploitafterward。Itwillbefoundmuchbetter，inthelongrun，todothethingintwodays，andthensubtractoneofthemfromthenarrative。
　　Thissavesfatigue，anddoesnotinjurethenarrative。
　　AllthemorethoughtfulamongtheAlpinetouristsdothis。
　　WenowcalledupontheGuide-in-Chief，andaskedforasquadronofguidesandportersfortheascentoftheMontanvert。
　　Thisidiotglaredatus，andsaid:
　　"Youdon'tneedguidesandporterstogototheMontanvert。"
　　"Whatdoweneed，then?"
　　"SuchasYOU?——anambulance!"
　　IwassostungbythisbrutalremarkthatItookmycustomelsewhere。
　　Betimes，nextmorning，wehadreachedanaltitudeoffivethousandfeetabovethelevelofthesea。Herewecampedandbreakfasted。Therewasacabinthere——thespotiscalledtheCaillet——andaspringofice-coldwater。
　　Onthedoorofthecabinwasasign，inFrench，totheeffectthat"Onemayhereseealivingchamoisforfiftycentimes。"
　　Wedidnotinvest；whatwewantedwastoseeadeadone。
　　AlittleafternoonweendedtheascentandarrivedatthenewhotelontheMontanvert，andhadaviewofsixmiles，rightupthegreatglacier，thefamousMerdeGlace。
　　Atthispointitislikeaseawhosedeepswalesandlong，rollingswellshavebeencaughtinmid-movementandfrozensolid；butfurtherupitisbrokenupintowildlytossingbillowsofice。
　　Wedescendedaticklishpathinthesteepsideofthemoraine，andinvadedtheglacier。Thereweretouristsofbothsexesscatteredfarandwideoverit，everywhere，andithadthefestivelookofaskating-rink。
　　TheEmpressJosephinecamethisfar，once。SheascendedtheMontanvertin1810——butnotalone；asmallarmyofmenprecededhertoclearthepath——andcarpetit，perhaps——andshefollowed，undertheprotectionofSIXTY-EIGHTguides。
　　HersuccessorvisitedChamonixlater，butinfardifferentstyle。
　　ItwassevenweeksafterthefirstfalloftheEmpire，andpoorMarieLouise，ex-Empresswasafugitive。
　　Shecameatnight，andinastorm，withonlytwoattendants，andstoodbeforeapeasant'shut，tired，bedraggled，soakedwithrain，"theredprintofherlostcrownstillgirdlingherbrow，"andimploredadmittance——andwasrefused!Afewdaysbefore，theadulationsandapplausesofanationweresoundinginherears，andnowshewascometothis!
　　WecrossedtheMerdeGlaceinsafety，butwehadmisgivings。
　　Thecrevicesintheiceyawneddeepandblueandmysterious，anditmadeonenervoustotraversethem。Thehugeroundwavesoficewereslipperyanddifficulttoclimb，andthechancesoftrippingandslidingdownthemanddartingintoacreviceweretoomanytobecomfortable。
　　Inthebottomofadeepswalebetweentwoofthebiggestoftheice-waves，wefoundafraudwhopretendedtobecuttingstepstoinsurethesafetyoftourists。
　　Hewas"soldiering"whenwecameuponhim，buthehoppedupandchippedoutacoupleofstepsaboutbigenoughforacat，andchargedusafrancortwoforit。
　　Thenhesatdownagain，todozetillthenextpartyshouldcomealong。Hehadcollectedblackmailfromtwoorthreehundredpeoplealready，thatday，buthadnotchippedouticeenoughtoimpairtheglacierperceptibly。
　　Ihaveheardofagoodmanysoftsinecures，butitseemstomethatkeepingtoll-bridgeonaglacieristhesoftestoneIhaveencounteredyet。
　　Thatwasablazinghotday，anditbroughtapersistentandpersecutingthirstwithit。Whatanunspeakableluxuryitwastoslakethatthirstwiththepureandlimpidice-wateroftheglacier!Downthesidesofeverygreatribofpureicepouredlimpidrillsingutterscarvedbytheirownattrition；betterstill，whereverarockhadlain，therewasnowabowl-shapedhole，withsmoothwhitesidesandbottomofice，andthisbowlwasbrimmingwithwaterofsuchabsoluteclearnessthatthecarelessobserverwouldnotseeitatall，butwouldthinkthebowlwasempty。
　　ThesefountainshadsuchanalluringlookthatIoftenstretchedmyselfoutwhenIwasnotthirstyanddippedmyfaceinanddranktillmyteethached。EverywhereamongtheSwissmountainswehadathandtheblessing——nottobefoundinEuropeEXCEPTinthemountains——ofwatercapableofquenchingthirst。EverywhereintheSwisshighlandsbrilliantlittlerillsofexquisitelycoldwaterwentdancingalongbytheroadsides，andmycomradeandI
　　werealwaysdrinkingandalwaysdeliveringourdeepgratitude。
　　ButinEuropeeverywhereexceptinthemountains，thewaterisflatandinsipidbeyondthepowerofwordstodescribe。
　　Itisservedlukewarm；butnomatter，icecouldnothelpit；
　　itisincurablyflat，incurablyinsipid。Itisonlygoodtowashwith；Iwonderitdoesn'toccurtotheaverageinhabitanttotryitforthat。InEuropethepeoplesaycontemptuously，"Nobodydrinkswaterhere。"Indeed，theyhaveasoundandsufficientreason。Inmanyplacestheyevenhavewhatmaybecalledprohibitoryreasons。
　　InParisandMunich，forinstance，theysay，"Don'tdrinkthewater，itissimplypoison。"
　　EitherAmericaishealthierthanEurope，notwithstandingher"deadly"indulgenceinice-water，orshedoesnotkeeptherunofherdeath-rateassharplyasEuropedoes。
　　Ithinkwedokeepupthedeathstatisticsaccurately；
　　andifwedo，ourcitiesarehealthierthanthecitiesofEurope。EverymonththeGermangovernmenttabulatesthedeath-rateoftheworldandpublishesit。Iscrap-bookedthesereportsduringseveralmonths，anditwascurioustoseehowregularandpersistentlyeachcityrepeateditssamedeath-ratemonthaftermonth。Thetablesmightaswellhavebeenstereotyped，theyvariedsolittle。
　　Thesetableswerebaseduponweeklyreportsshowingtheaverageofdeathsineach1，000populationforayear。
　　Munichwasalwayspresentwithher33deathsineach1，000ofherpopulationyearlyaverage，Chicagowasasconstantwithher15or17，Dublinwithher48——andsoon。
　　OnlyafewAmericancitiesappearinthesetables，buttheyarescatteredsowidelyoverthecountrythattheyfurnishagoodgeneralaverageofCITYhealthintheUnitedStates；
　　andIthinkitwillbegrantedthatourtownsandvillagesarehealthierthanourcities。
　　HereistheaverageoftheonlyAmericancitiesreportedintheGermantables:
　　Chicago，deathsin1，000populationannually，16；Philadelphia，18；St。Louis，18；SanFrancisco，19；NewYorktheDublinofAmerica，23。
　　Seehowthefiguresjumpup，assoonasonearrivesatthetransatlanticlist:
　　Paris，27；Glasgow，27；London，28；Vienna，28；
　　Augsburg，28；Braunschweig，28；K:onigsberg，29；
　　Cologne，29；Dresden，29；Hamburg，29；Berlin，30；
　　Bombay，30；Warsaw，31；Breslau，31；Odessa，32；
　　Munich，33；Strasburg，33，Pesth，35；Cassel，35；
　　Lisbon，36；Liverpool，36；Prague，37；Madras，37；
　　Bucharest，39；St。Petersburg，40；Trieste，40；
　　AlexandriaEgypt，43；Dublin，48；Calcutta，55。
　　EdinburghisashealthyasNewYork——23；butthereisnoCITYintheentirelistwhichishealthier，exceptFrankfort-on-the-Main——20。ButFrankfortisnotashealthyasChicago，SanFrancisco，St。Louis，orPhiladelphia。
　　Perhapsastrictaverageoftheworldmightdevelopthefactthatwhereonein1，000ofAmerica'spopulationdies，twoin1，000oftheotherpopulationsoftheearthsuccumb。
　　Idonotliketomakeinsinuations，butIdothinktheabovestatisticsdarklysuggestthatthesepeopleoverheredrinkthisdetestablewater"onthesly。"
　　Weclimbedthemoraineontheoppositesideoftheglacier，andthencreptalongitssharpridgeahundredyardsorso，inprettyconstantdangerofatumbletotheglacierbelow。
　　Thefallwouldhavebeenonlyonehundredfeet，butitwouldhaveclosedmeoutaseffectuallyasonethousand，thereforeIrespectedthedistanceaccordingly，andwasgladwhenthetripwasdone。Amoraineisanuglythingtoassaulthead-first。Atadistanceitlookslikeanendlessgraveoffinesand，accuratelyshapedandnicelysmoothed；
　　butcloseby，itisfoundtobemademainlyofroughbouldersofallsizes，fromthatofaman'sheadtothatofacottage。
　　ByandbywecametotheMauvaisPas，ortheVillainousRoad，totranslateitfeelingly。Itwasabreakneckpatharoundthefaceofaprecipiceforthorfiftyfeethigh，andnothingtohangontobutsomeironrailings。
　　Igotalong，slowly，safely，anduncomfortably，andfinallyreachedthemiddle。Myhopesbegantorisealittle，buttheywerequicklyblighted；forthereImetahog——along-nosed，bristlyfellow，thathelduphissnoutandworkedhisnostrilsatmeinquiringly。AhogonapleasureexcursioninSwitzerland——thinkofit!Itisstrikingandunusual；abodymightwriteapoemaboutit。
　　Hecouldnotretreat，ifhehadbeendisposedtodoit。
　　Itwouldhavebeenfoolishtostanduponourdignityinaplacewheretherewashardlyroomtostanduponourfeet，sowedidnothingofthesort。Thereweretwentyorthirtyladiesandgentlemenbehindus；weallturnedaboutandwentback，andthehogfollowedbehind。
　　Thecreaturedidnotseemsetupbywhathehaddone；
　　hehadprobablydoneitbefore。
　　WereachedtherestaurantontheheightcalledtheChapeauatfourintheafternoon。Itwasamemento-factory，andthestockwaslarge，cheap，andvaried。Iboughttheusualpaper-cuttertoremembertheplaceby，andhadMontBlanc，theMauvaisPas，andtherestoftheregionbrandedonmyalpenstock；thenwedescendedtothevalleyandwalkedhomewithoutbeingtiedtogether。Thiswasnotdangerous，forthevalleywasfivemileswide，andquitelevel。
　　Wereachedthehotelbeforenineo'clock。NextmorningweleftforGenevaontopofthediligence，undershelterofagayawning。IfIrememberrightly，thereweremorethantwentypeopleupthere。
　　Itwassohighthattheascentwasmadebyladder。
　　Thehugevehiclewasfulleverywhere，insideandout。
　　Fiveotherdiligencesleftatthesametime，allfull。
　　Wehadengagedourseatstwodaysbeforehand，tomakesure，andpaidtheregulationprice，fivedollarseach；buttherestofthecompanywerewiser；theyhadtrustedBaedeker，andwaited；consequentlysomeofthemgottheirseatsforoneortwodollars。Baedekerknowsallabouthotels，railwayanddiligencecompanies，andspeakshismindfreely。
　　Heisatrustworthyfriendofthetraveler。
　　WeneversawMontBlancathisbestuntilweweremanymilesaway；thenheliftedhismajesticproportionshighintotheheavens，allwhiteandcoldandsolemn，andmadetherestoftheworldseemlittleandplebeian，andcheapandtrivial。
　　Ashepassedoutofsightatlast，anoldEnglishmansettledhimselfinhisseatandsaid:
　　"Well，Iamsatisfied，IhaveseentheprincipalfeaturesofSwissscenery——MontBlancandthegoiter——nowforhome!"
　　CHAPTERXLVII
　　[QueerEuropeanManners]
　　WespentafewpleasantrestfuldaysatGeneva，thatdelightfulcitywhereaccuratetime-piecesaremadeforalltherestoftheworld，butwhoseownclocksnevergivethecorrecttimeofdaybyanyaccident。
　　Genevaisfilledwithprettyshops，andtheshopsarefilledwiththemostenticinggimacrackery，butifoneentersoneoftheseplacesheisatoncepouncedupon，andfollowedup，andsopersecutedtobuythis，that，andtheotherthing，thatheisverygratefultogetoutagain，andisnotatallapttorepeathisexperiment。
　　Theshopkeepersofthesmallersort，inGeneva，areastroublesomeandpersistentasarethesalesmenofthatmonsterhiveinParis，theGrandsMagasinsduLouvre——anestablishmentwhereill-manneredpestering，pursuing，andinsistencehavebeenreducedtoascience。
　　InGeneva，pricesinthesmallershopsareveryelastic——
　　thatisanotherbadfeature。Iwaslookinginatawindowataveryprettystringofbeads，suitableforachild。
　　Iwasonlyadmiringthem；Ihadnouseforthem；Ihardlyeverwearbeads。Theshopwomancameoutandofferedthemtomeforthirty-fivefrancs。Isaiditwascheap，butIdidnotneedthem。
　　"Ah，butmonsieur，theyaresobeautiful!"
　　Iconfessedit，butsaidtheywerenotsuitableforoneofmyageandsimplicityofcharacter。Shedartedinandbroughtthemoutandtriedtoforcethemintomyhands，saying:
　　"Ah，butonlyseehowlovelytheyare!Surelymonsieurwilltakethem；monsieurshallhavethemforthirtyfrancs。
　　There，Ihavesaidit——itisaloss，butonemustlive。"
　　Idroppedmyhands，andtriedtomovehertorespectmyunprotectedsituation。Butno，shedangledthebeadsinthesunbeforemyface，exclaiming，"Ah，monsieurCANNOTresistthem!"Shehungthemonmycoatbutton，foldedherhandresignedly，andsaid:"Gone，——andforthirtyfrancs，thelovelythings——itisincredible!——butthegoodGodwillsanctifythesacrificetome。"
　　Iremovedthemgently，returnedthem，andwalkedaway，shakingmyheadandsmilingasmileofsillyembarrassmentwhilethepassers-byhaltedtoobserve。Thewomanleanedoutofherdoor，shookthebeads，andscreamedafterme:
　　"Monsieurshallhavethemfortwenty-eight!"
　　Ishookmyhead。
　　"Twenty-seven!Itisacruelloss，itisruin——
　　buttakethem，onlytakethem。"
　　Istillretreated，stillwaggingmyhead。
　　"MONDIEU，theyshallevengofortwenty-six!There，Ihavesaidit。Come!"
　　Iwaggedanothernegative。AnurseandalittleEnglishgirlhadbeennearme，andwerefollowingme，now。Theshopwomanrantothenurse，thrustthebeadsintoherhands，andsaid:
　　"Monsieurshallhavethemfortwenty-five!Takethemtothehotel——heshallsendmethemoneytomorrow——
　　nextday——whenhelikes。"Thentothechild:"Whenthyfathersendsmethemoney，comethoualso，myangel，andthoushallhavesomethingohsopretty!"
　　Iwasthusprovidentiallysaved。Thenurserefusedthebeadssquarelyandfirmly，andthatendedthematter。
　　The"sights"ofGenevaarenotnumerous。Imadeoneattempttohuntupthehousesonceinhabitedbythosetwodisagreeablepeople，RousseauandCalvin，butIhadnosuccess。ThenIconcludedtogohome。Ifounditwaseasiertoproposetodothatthantodoit；forthattownisabewilderingplace。Igotlostinatangleofnarrowandcrookedstreets，andstayedlostforanhourortwo。
　　FinallyIfoundastreetwhichlookedsomewhatfamiliar，andsaidtomyself，"NowIamathome，Ijudge。"ButI
　　waswrong；thiswas"HELLstreet。"PresentlyIfoundanotherplacewhichhadafamiliarlook，andsaidtomyself，"NowIamathome，sure。"Itwasanothererror。Thiswas"PURGATORYstreet。"AfteralittleIsaid，"NOWI'vegottherightplace，anyway……no，thisis'PARADISEstreet'；
　　I'mfurtherfromhomethanIwasinthebeginning。"
　　Thosewerequeernames——Calvinwastheauthorofthem，likely。"Hell"and"Purgatory"fittedthosetwostreetslikeaglove，butthe"Paradise"appearedtobesarcastic。
　　Icameoutonthelake-front，atlast，andthenIknewwhereIwas。IwaswalkingalongbeforetheglitteringjewelryshopswhenIsawacuriousperformance。
　　Aladypassedby，andatrimdandyloungedacrossthewalkinsuchanapparentlycarefullytimedwayastobringhimselfexactlyinfrontofherwhenshegottohim；
　　hemadenooffertostepoutoftheway；hedidnotapologize；
　　hedidnotevennoticeher。Shehadtostopstillandlethimloungeby。Iwonderedifhehaddonethatpieceofbrutalitypurposely。Hestrolledtoachairandseatedhimselfatasmalltable；twoorthreeothermalesweresittingatsimilartablessippingsweetenedwater。
　　Iwaited；presentlyayouthcameby，andthisfellowgotupandservedhimthesametrick。Still，itdidnotseempossiblethatanyonecoulddosuchathingdeliberately。
　　TosatisfymycuriosityIwentaroundtheblock，and，sureenough，asIapproached，atagoodroundspeed，hegotupandloungedlazilyacrossmypath，foulingmycourseexactlyattherightmomenttoreceiveallmyweight。
　　Thisprovedthathispreviousperformanceshadnotbeenaccidental，butintentional。
　　Isawthatdandy'scuriousgameplayedafterward，inParis，butnotforamusement；notwithamotiveofanysort，indeed，butsimplyfromaselfishindifferencetootherpeople'scomfortandrights。OnedoesnotseeitasfrequentlyinParisashemightexpectto，fortherethelawsays，ineffect，"Itisthebusinessoftheweaktogetoutofthewayofthestrong。"Wefineacabmanifherunsoveracitizen；Parisfinesthecitizenforbeingrunover。
　　Atleastsoeverybodysays——butIsawsomethingwhichcausedmetodoubt；Isawahorsemanrunoveranoldwomanoneday——thepolicearrestedhimandtookhimaway。
　　Thatlookedasiftheymeanttopunishhim。
　　ItwillnotdoformetofindmeritinAmericanmanners——
　　foraretheynotthestandingbuttforthejestsofcriticalandpolishedEurope?Still，Imustventuretoclaimonelittlematterofsuperiorityinourmanners；
　　aladymaytraverseourstreetsallday，goingandcomingasshechooses，andshewillneverbemolestedbyanyman；
　　butifalady，unattended，walksabroadinthestreetsofLondon，evenatnoonday，shewillbeprettylikelytobeaccostedandinsulted——andnotbydrunkensailors，butbymenwhocarrythelookandwearthedressofgentlemen。
　　Itismaintainedthatthesepeoplearenotgentlemen，butarealowersort，disguisedasgentlemen。ThecaseofColonelValentineBakerobstructsthatargument，foramancannotbecomeanofficerintheBritisharmyexceptheholdtherankofgentleman。Thisperson，findinghimselfaloneinarailwaycompartmentwithanunprotectedgirl——butitisanatrociousstory，anddoubtlessthereaderremembersitwellenough。
　　LondonmusthavebeenmoreorlessaccustomedtoBakers，andthewaysofBakers，elseLondonwouldhavebeenoffendedandexcited。Bakerwas"imprisoned"——inaparlor；
　　andhecouldnothavebeenmorevisited，ormoreoverwhelmedwithattentions，ifhehadcommittedsixmurdersandthen——
　　whilethegallowswaspreparing——"gotreligion"——afterthemanneroftheholyCharlesPeace，ofsaintlymemory。
　　Arkansaw——itseemsalittleindelicatetobetrumpetingforthourownsuperiorities，andcomparisonsarealwaysodious，butstill——ArkansawwouldcertainlyhavehangedBaker。
　　Idonotsayshewouldhavetriedhimfirst，butshewouldhavehangedhim，anyway。
　　Eventhemostdegradedwomancanwalkourstreetsunmolested，hersexandherweaknessbeinghersufficientprotection。
　　Shewillencounterlesspolishthanshewouldintheoldworld，butshewillrunacrossenoughhumanitytomakeupforit。
　　Themusicofadonkeyawokeusearlyinthemorning，andweroseupandmadereadyforaprettyformidablewalk——toItaly；buttheroadwassolevelthatwetookthetrain……Welostagooddealoftimebythis，butitwasnomatter，wewerenotinahurry。WewerefourhoursgoingtoChamb`ery。TheSwisstrainsgoupwardofthreemilesanhour，inplaces，buttheyarequitesafe。
　　ThatagedFrenchtownofChamb`erywasasquaintandcrookedasHeilbronn。Adrowsyreposefulquietreignedinthebackstreetswhichmadestrollingthroughthemverypleasant，barringthealmostunbearableheatofthesun。
　　Inoneofthesestreets，whichwaseightfeetwide，gracefullycurved，andbuiltupwithsmallantiquatedhouses，Isawthreefathogslyingasleep，andaboyalsoasleep
　　takingcareofthem。Fromqueerold-fashionedwindowsalongthecurveprojectedboxesofbrightflowers，andovertheedgeofoneoftheseboxeshungtheheadandshouldersofacat——asleep。Thefivesleepingcreaturesweretheonlylivingthingsvisibleinthatstreet。Therewasnotasound；absolutestillnessprevailed。ItwasSunday；
　　oneisnotusedtosuchdreamySundaysonthecontinent。
　　Inourpartofthetownitwasdifferentthatnight。
　　AregimentofbrownandbatteredsoldiershadarrivedhomefromAlgiers，andIjudgedtheygotthirstyontheway。
　　Theysanganddranktilldawn，inthepleasantopenair。
　　WeleftforTurinattenthenextmorningbyarailwaywhichwasprofuselydecoratedwithtunnels。Weforgottotakealanternalong，consequentlywemissedallthescenery。
　　Ourcompartmentwasfull。Aponderoustow-headedSwisswoman，whoputonmanyfine-ladyairs，butwasevidentlymoreusedtowashinglinenthanwearingit，satinacornerseatandputherlegsacrossintotheoppositeone，proppingthemintermediatelywithherup-endedvalise。
　　Intheseatthuspirated，sattwoAmericans，greatlyincommodedbythatwoman'smajesticcoffin-cladfeet。Oneofthembegged，politely，toremovethem。Sheopenedherwideeyesandgavehimastare，butanswerednothing。Byandbyhepreferredhisrequestagain，withgreatrespectfulness。
　　Shesaid，ingoodEnglish，andinadeeplyoffendedtone，thatshehadpaidherpassageandwasnotgoingtobebulliedoutofher"rights"byill-bredforeigners，evenifshewasaloneandunprotected。
　　"ButIhaverights，also，madam。Myticketentitlesmetoaseat，butyouareoccupyinghalfofit。"
　　"Iwillnottalkwithyou，sir。Whatrighthaveyoutospeaktome?Idonotknowyou。Onewouldknowyoucamefromalandwheretherearenogentlemen。
　　NoGENTLEMANwouldtreataladyasyouhavetreatedme。"
　　"Icomefromaregionwherealadywouldhardlygivemethesameprovocation。"
　　"Youhaveinsultedme，sir!YouhaveintimatedthatIamnotalady——andIhopeIamNOTone，afterthepatternofyourcountry。"
　　"Ibegthatyouwillgiveyourselfnoalarmonthathead，madam；butatthesametimeImustinsist——alwaysrespectfully——thatyouletmehavemyseat。"
　　Herethefragilelaundressburstintotearsandsobs。
　　"Ineverwassoinsultedbefore!Never，never!Itisshameful，itisbrutal，itisbase，tobullyandabuseanunprotectedladywhohaslosttheuseofherlimbsandcannotputherfeettothefloorwithoutagony!"
　　"Goodheavens，madam，whydidn'tyousaythatatfirst!I
　　offerathousandpardons。AndIofferthemmostsincerely。
　　Ididnotknow——ICOULDnotknow——anythingwasthematter。
　　Youaremostwelcometotheseat，andwouldhavebeenfromthefirstifIhadonlyknown。Iamtrulysorryitallhappened，Idoassureyou。"
　　Buthecouldn'tgetawordofforgivenessoutofher。
　　Shesimplysobbedandsniffedinasubduedbutwhollyunappeasablewayfortwolonghours，meantimecrowdingthemanmorethaneverwithherundertaker-furnitureandpayingnosortofattentiontohisfrequentandhumblelittleeffortstodosomethingforhercomfort。
　　ThenthetrainhaltedattheItalianlineandshehoppedupandmarchedoutofthecarwithasfirmalegasanywasherwomanofallhertribe!AndhowsickIwas，toseehowshehadfooledme。
　　Turinisaveryfinecity。Inthematterofroominessittranscendsanythingthatwaseverdreamedofbefore，Ifancy。Itsitsinthemidstofavastdead-level，andoneisobligedtoimaginethatlandmaybehadfortheasking，andnotaxestopay，solavishlydotheyuseit。
　　Thestreetsareextravagantlywide，thepavedsquaresareprodigious，thehousesarehugeandhandsome，andcompactedintouniformblocksthatstretchawayasstraightasanarrow，intothedistance。ThesidewalksareaboutaswideasordinaryEuropeanSTREETS，andarecoveredoverwithadoublearcadesupportedongreatstonepiersorcolumns。Onewalksfromoneendtotheotherofthesespaciousstreets，undershelterallthetime，andallhiscourseislinedwiththeprettiestofshopsandthemostinvitingdining-houses。
　　Thereisawideandlengthycourt，glitteringwiththemostwickedlyenticingshops，whichisroofedwithglass，highaloftoverhead，andpavedwithsoft-tonedmarbleslaidingracefulfigures；andatnightwhentheplaceisbrilliantwithgasandpopulouswithasaunteringandchattingandlaughingmultitudeofpleasure-seekers，itisaspectacleworthseeing。
　　Everythingisonalargescale；thepublicbuildings，forinstance——andtheyarearchitecturallyimposing，too，aswellaslarge。Thebigsquareshavebigbronzemonumentsinthem。Atthehoteltheygaveusroomsthatwerealarming，forsize，andparlortomatch。
　　Itwaswelltheweatherrequirednofireintheparlor，forIthinkonemightaswellhavetriedtowarmapark。
　　Theplacewouldhaveawarmlook，though，inanyweather，forthewindow-curtainswereofredsilkdamask，andthewallswerecoveredwiththesamefire-huedgoods——so，also，werethefoursofasandthebrigadeofchairs。Thefurniture，theornaments，thechandeliers，thecarpets，wereallnewandbrightandcostly。
　　Wedidnotneedaparloratall，buttheysaiditbelongedtothetwobedroomsandwemightuseitifwechose。
　　Sinceitwastocostnothing，wewerenotaversetousingit，ofcourse。
　　Turinmustsurelyreadagooddeal，forithasmorebook-storestothesquarerodthananyothertownI
　　knowof。Andithasitsownshareofmilitaryfolk。
　　TheItalianofficers'uniformsareverymuchthemostbeautifulIhaveeverseen；and，asageneralthing，themeninthemwereashandsomeastheclothes。Theywerenotlargemen，buttheyhadfineforms，finefeatures，richolivecomplexions，andlustrousblackeyes。
　　ForseveralweeksIhadbeencullingalltheinformationIcouldaboutItaly，fromtourists。Thetouristswereallagreedupononething——onemustexpecttobecheatedateveryturnbytheItalians。ItookaneveningwalkinTurin，andpresentlycameacrossalittlePunchandJudyshowinoneofthegreatsquares。Twelveorfifteenpeopleconstitutedtheaudience。Thisminiaturetheaterwasnotmuchbiggerthanaman'scoffinstoodonend；
　　theupperpartwasopenanddisplayedatinseledparlor——agood-sizedhandkerchiefwouldhaveansweredforadrop-curtain；thefootlightsconsistedofacoupleofcandle-endsaninchlong；variousmanikinsthesizeofdollsappearedonthestageandmadelongspeechesateachother，gesticulatingagooddeal，andtheygenerallyhadafightbeforetheygotthrough。Theywereworkedbystringsfromabove，andtheillusionwasnotperfect，foronesawnotonlythestringsbutthebrawnyhandthatmanipulatedthem——andtheactorsandactressesalltalkedinthesamevoice，too。Theaudiencestoodinfrontofthetheater，andseemedtoenjoytheperformanceheartily。
　　Whentheplaywasdone，ayouthinhisshirt-sleevesstartedaroundwithasmallcoppersaucertomakeacollection。
　　Ididnotknowhowmuchtoputin，butthoughtIwouldbeguidedbymypredecessors。Unluckily，Ionlyhadtwoofthese，andtheydidnothelpmemuchbecausetheydidnotputinanything。IhadnoItalianmoney，soIputinasmallSwisscoinworthabouttencents。
　　Theyouthfinishedhiscollectiontripandemptiedtheresultonthestage；hehadsomeveryanimatedtalkwiththeconcealedmanager，thenhecameworkinghiswaythroughthelittlecrowd——seekingme，Ithought。
　　Ihadamindtoslipaway，butconcludedIwouldn't；
　　Iwouldstandmyground，andconfrontthevillainy，whateveritwas。TheyouthstoodbeforemeandheldupthatSwisscoin，sureenough，andsaidsomething。
　　Ididnotunderstandhim，butIjudgedhewasrequiringItalianmoneyofme。Thecrowdgatheredclose，tolisten。Iwasirritated，andsaid——inEnglish，ofcourse:
　　"Iknowit'sSwiss，butyou'lltakethatornone。
　　Ihaven'tanyother。"
　　Hetriedtoputthecoininmyhand，andspokeagain。
　　Idrewmyhandaway，andsaid:
　　"NO，sir。Iknowallaboutyoupeople。Youcan'tplayanyofyourfraudfultricksonme。Ifthereisadiscountonthatcoin，Iamsorry，butIamnotgoingtomakeitgood。Inoticedthatsomeoftheaudiencedidn'tpayyouanythingatall。Youletthemgo，withoutaword，butyoucomeaftermebecauseyouthinkI'mastrangerandwillputupwithanextortionratherthanhaveascene。
　　Butyouaremistakenthistime——you'lltakethatSwissmoneyornone。"
　　Theyouthstoodtherewiththecoininhisfingers，nonplusedandbewildered；ofcoursehehadnotunderstoodaword。AnEnglish-speakingItalianspokeup，now，andsaid:
　　"Youaremisunderstandingtheboy。Hedoesnotmeananyharm。
　　Hedidnotsupposeyougavehimsomuchmoneypurposely，sohehurriedbacktoreturnyouthecoinlestyoumightgetawaybeforeyoudiscoveredyourmistake。
　　Takeit，andgivehimapenny——thatwillmakeeverythingsmoothagain。"
　　Iprobablyblushed，then，fortherewasoccasion。
　　ThroughtheinterpreterIbeggedtheboy'spardon，butInoblyrefusedtotakebackthetencents。IsaidIwasaccustomedtosquanderinglargesumsinthatway——
　　itwasthekindofpersonIwas。ThenIretiredtomakeanotetotheeffectthatinItalypersonsconnectedwiththedramadonotcheat。
　　Theepisodewiththeshowmanremindsmeofadarkchapterinmyhistory。Ioncerobbedanagedandblindbeggar-womanoffourdollars——inachurch。Ithappenedthisway。
　　WhenIwasoutwiththeInnocentsAbroad，theshipstoppedintheRussianportofOdessaandIwentashore，withothers，toviewthetown。Igotseparatedfromtherest，andwanderedaboutalone，untillateintheafternoon，whenIenteredaGreekchurchtoseewhatitwaslike。
　　WhenIwasreadytoleave，Iobservedtwowrinkledoldwomenstandingstifflyuprightagainsttheinnerwall，nearthedoor，withtheirbrownpalmsopentoreceivealms。
　　Icontributedtothenearerone，andpassedout。
　　Ihadgonefiftyyards，perhaps，whenitoccurredtomethatImustremainashoreallnight，asIhadheardthattheship'sbusinesswouldcarryherawayatfouro'clockandkeepherawayuntilmorning。Itwasalittleafterfournow。Ihadcomeashorewithonlytwopiecesofmoney，bothaboutthesamesize，butdifferinglargelyinvalue——onewasaFrenchgoldpieceworthfourdollars，theotheraTurkishcoinworthtwocentsandahalf。
　　Withasuddenandhorrifiedmisgiving，Iputmyhandinmypocket，now，andsureenough，IfetchedoutthatTurkishpenny!
　　Herewasasituation。Ahotelwouldrequirepayinadvance——Imustwalkthestreetallnight，andperhapsbearrestedasasuspiciouscharacter。Therewasbutonewayoutofthedifficulty——Iflewbacktothechurch，andsoftlyentered。Therestoodtheoldwomanyet，andinthepalmofthenearestonestilllaymygoldpiece。
　　Iwasgrateful。Icreptclose，feelingunspeakablymean；
　　IgotmyTurkishpennyready，andwasextendingatremblinghandtomakethenefariousexchange，whenIheardacoughbehindme。IjumpedbackasifIhadbeenaccused，andstoodquakingwhileaworshiperenteredandpasseduptheaisle。
　　Iwasthereayeartryingtostealthatmoney；thatis，itseemedayear，though，ofcourse，itmusthavebeenmuchless。Theworshiperswentandcame；therewerehardlyeverthreeinthechurchatonce，buttherewasalwaysoneormore。EverytimeItriedtocommitmycrimesomebodycameinorsomebodystartedout，andIwasprevented；
　　butatlastmyopportunitycame；foronemomenttherewasnobodyinthechurchbutthetwobeggar-womenandme。
　　Iwhippedthegoldpieceoutofthepooroldpauper'spalmanddroppedmyTurkishpennyinitsplace。Pooroldthing，shemurmuredherthanks——theysmotemetotheheart。
　　ThenIspedawayinaguiltyhurry，andevenwhenIwasamilefromthechurchIwasstillglancingback，everymoment，toseeifIwasbeingpursued。
　　Thatexperiencehasbeenofpricelessvalueandbenefittome；forIresolvedthen，thataslongasIlivedI
　　wouldneveragainrobablindbeggar-womaninachurch；
　　andIhavealwayskeptmyword。Themostpermanentlessonsinmoralsarethosewhichcome，notofbookyteaching，butofexperience。
　　CHAPTERXLVIII
　　[BeautyofWomen——andofOldMasters]
　　InMilanwespentmostofourtimeinthevastandbeautifulArcadeorGallery，orwhateveritiscalled。
　　Blocksoftallnewbuildingsofthemostsumptuoussort，richwithdecorationandgracedwithstatues，thestreetsbetweentheseblocksroofedoverwithglassatagreatheight，thepavementsallofsmoothandvariegatedmarble，arrangedintastefulpatterns——littletablesalloverthesemarblestreets，peoplesittingatthem，eating，drinking，orsmoking——crowdsofotherpeoplestrollingby——suchistheArcade。Ishouldliketoliveinitallthetime。
　　Thewindowsofthesumptuousrestaurantsstandopen，andonebreakfaststhereandenjoysthepassingshow。
　　Wewanderedalloverthetown，enjoyingwhateverwasgoingoninthestreets。Wetookoneomnibusride，andasI
　　didnotspeakItalianandcouldnotasktheprice，Iheldoutsomecoppercoinstotheconductor，andhetooktwo。
　　Thenhewentandgothistariffcardandshowedmethathehadtakenonlytherightsum。SoImadeanote——Italianomnibusconductorsdonotcheat。
　　NeartheCathedralIsawanotherinstanceofprobity。
　　Anoldmanwaspeddlingdollsandtoyfans。TwosmallAmericanchildrenandonegavetheoldmanafrancandthreecoppercoins，andbothstartedaway；buttheywerecalledback，andthefrancandoneofthecopperswererestoredtothem。HenceitisplainthatinItaly，partiesconnectedwiththedramaandtheomnibusandthetoyinterestsdonotcheat。
　　Thestocksofgoodsintheshopswerenotextensive，generally。
　　Inthevestibuleofwhatseemedtobeaclothingstore，wesaweightortenwoodendummiesgroupedtogether，clothedinwoolenbusinesssuitsandeachmarkedwithitsprice。
　　Onesuitwasmarkedforty-fivefrancs——ninedollars。
　　Harrissteppedinandsaidhewantedasuitlikethat。
　　Nothingeasier:theoldmerchantdraggedinthedummy，brushedhimoffwithabroom，strippedhim，andshippedtheclothestothehotel。Hesaidhedidnotkeeptwosuitsofthesamekindinstock，butmanufacturedasecondwhenitwasneededtoreclothethedummy。
　　InanotherquarterwefoundsixItaliansengagedinaviolentquarrel。Theydancedfiercelyabout，gesticulatingwiththeirheads，theirarms，theirlegs，theirwholebodies；theywouldrushforwardoccasionallywithasuddenaccessofpassionandshaketheirfistsineachother'sveryfaces。Welosthalfanhourthere，waitingtohelpcordupthedead，buttheyfinallyembracedeachotheraffectionately，andthetroublewasover。
　　Theepisodewasinteresting，butwecouldnothaveaffordedallthetimetoitifwehadknownnothingwasgoingtocomeofitbutareconciliation。Notemade——inItaly，peoplewhoquarrelcheatthespectator。
　　Wehadanotherdisappointmentafterward。Weapproachedadeeplyinterestedcrowd，andinthemidstofitfoundafellowwildlychatteringandgesticulatingoveraboxonthegroundwhichwascoveredwithapieceofoldblanket。Everylittlewhilehewouldbenddownandtakeholdoftheedgeoftheblanketwiththeextremetipsofhisfingertips，asiftoshowtherewasnodeception——chatteringawayallthewhile——butalways，justasIwasexpectingtoseeawonderfeatoflegerdemain，hewouldletgotheblanketandrisetoexplainfurther。
　　However，atlastheuncoveredtheboxandgotoutaspoonwithaliquidinit，andhelditfairandfranklyaround，forpeopletoseethatitwasallrightandhewastakingnoadvantage——hischatterbecamemoreexcitedthanever。
　　Isupposedhewasgoingtosetfiretotheliquidandswallowit，soIwasgreatlywroughtupandinterested。
　　Igotacentreadyinonehandandaflorinintheother，intendingtogivehimtheformerifhesurvivedandthelatterifhekilledhimself——forhislosswouldbemygaininaliteraryway，andIwaswillingtopayafairpricefortheitem——butthisimpostorendedhisintenselymovingperformancebysimplyaddingsomepowdertotheliquidandpolishingthespoon!Thenhehelditaloft，andhecouldnothaveshownawilderexultationifhehadachievedanimmortalmiracle。Thecrowdapplaudedinagratifiedway，anditseemedtomethathistoryspeaksthetruthwhenitsaysthesechildrenofthesouthareeasilyentertained。
　　Wespentanimpressivehourinthenoblecathedral，wherelongshaftsoftintedlightwerecleavingthroughthesolemndimnessfromtheloftywindowsandfallingonapillarhere，apicturethere，andakneelingworshiperyonder。
　　Theorganwasmuttering，censerswereswinging，candleswereglintingonthedistantaltarandrobedpriestswerefilingsilentlypastthem；thescenewasonetosweepallfrivolousthoughtsawayandsteepthesoulinaholycalm。
　　AtrimyoungAmericanladypausedayardortwofromme，fixedhereyesonthemellowsparksfleckingthefar-offaltar，bentherheadreverentlyamoment，thenstraightenedup，kickedhertrainintotheairwithherheel，caughtitdeftlyinherhand，andmarchedbrisklyout。
　　Wevisitedthepicture-galleriesandtheotherregulation"sights"
　　ofMilan——notbecauseIwantedtowriteaboutthemagain，buttoseeifIhadlearnedanythingintwelveyears。
　　IafterwardvisitedthegreatgalleriesofRomeandFlorenceforthesamepurpose。IfoundIhadlearnedonething。WhenIwroteabouttheOldMastersbefore，Isaidthecopieswerebetterthantheoriginals。