首页 >出版文学> The Queen of Hearts>第28章
  Iwastruetohim——IcanhonestlysayIwastruetomybeliefinmygenerousfriend——whenthatfearfulnewsreachedme。Myfellow—merchantshadgotalltheparticularsofthearrest。TheytoldmethattwoofMr。Fauntleroy’sfellow—trusteeshadcomeuptoLondontomakearrangementsaboutsellingoutsomestock。OninquiringforMr。Fauntleroyatthebanking—house,theyhadbeeninformedthathewasnotthere;and,afterleavingamessageforhim,theyhadgoneintotheCitytomakeanappointmentwiththeirstockbrokerforafutureday,whentheirfellow—trusteemightbeabletoattend。Thestock—brokervolunteeredtomakecertainbusinessinquiriesonthespot,withaviewtosavingasmuchtimeaspossible,andleftthemathisofficetoawaithisreturn。Hecameback,lookingverymuchamazed,withtheinformationthatthestockhadbeensoldoutdowntothelastfivehundredpounds。Theaffairwasinstantlyinvestigated;thedocumentauthorizingthesellingoutwasproduced;andthetwotrusteessawonit,sidebysidewithMr。Fauntleroy’ssignature,theforgedsignaturesoftheirownnames。ThishappenedontheFriday,andthetrustees,withoutlosingamoment,senttheofficersofjusticeinpursuitofMr。Fauntleroy。Hewasarrested,broughtupbeforethemagistrate,andremandedontheSaturday。OntheMondayIheardfrommyfriendstheparticularswhichIhavejustnarrated。
  Buttheeventsofthatonemorningwerenotdestinedtoendevenyet。IhaddiscoveredthefailureofthebankandthearrestofMr。Fauntleroy。Iwasnexttobeenlightened,inthestrangestandthesaddestmanner,onthedifficultquestionofhisinnocenceorhisguilt。
  Beforemyfriendshadleftmyoffice——beforeIhadexhaustedtheargumentswhichmygratituderatherthanmyreasonsuggestedtomeinfavoroftheunhappyprisoner——anote,markedimmediate,wasplacedinmyhands,whichsilencedmetheinstantIlookedatit。ItwaswrittenfromtheprisonbyMr。Fauntleroy,anditcontainedtwolinesonly,entreatingmetoapplyforthenecessaryorder,andtogoandseehimimmediately。
  Ishallnotattempttodescribetheflutterofexpectation,thestrangemixtureofdreadandhopethatagitatedmewhenI
  recognizedhishandwriting,anddiscoveredwhatitwasthathedesiredmetodo。Iobtainedtheorderandwenttotheprison。
  Theauthorities,knowingthedreadfulsituationinwhichhestood,wereafraidofhisattemptingtodestroyhimself,andhadsettwomentowatchhim。Onecameoutastheyopenedhiscelldoor。Theother,whowasboundnottoleavehim,verydelicatelyandconsideratelyaffectedtobelookingoutofwindowthemomentIwasshownin。
  Hewassittingonthesideofhisbed,withhisheaddroopingandhishandshanginglistlesslyoverhiskneeswhenIfirstcaughtsightofhim。Atthesoundofmyapproachhestartedtohisfeet,and,withoutspeakingaword,flungbothhisarmsroundmyneckMyheartswelledup。
  "Tellmeit’snottrue,sir!ForGod’ssake,tellmeit’snottrue!"wasallIcouldsaytohim。
  Heneveranswered——ohme!heneveranswered,andheturnedawayhisface。
  Therewasonedreadfulmomentofsilence。Hestillheldhisarmsroundmyneck,andonasuddenheputhislipsclosetomyear。
  "Didyougetyourmoneyout?"hewhispered。"WereyouintimeonSaturdayafternoon?"
  Ibrokefreefromhimintheastonishmentofhearingthosewords。
  "What!"Icriedoutloud,forgettingthethirdpersonatthewindow。"Thatmanwhobroughtthemessage——"
  "Hush!"hesaid,puttinghishandonmylips。"Therewasnobettermantobefound,aftertheofficershadtakenme——Iknownomoreabouthimthanyoudo——Ipaidhimwellasachancemessenger,andriskedhischeatingmeofhiserrand。"
  "_You_senthim,then!"
  "Isenthim。"
  Mystoryisover,gentlemen。ThereisnoneedformetotellyouthatMr。Fauntleroywasfoundguilty,andthathediedbythehangman’shand。Itwasinmypowertosoothehislastmomentsinthisworldbytakingonmyselfthearrangementofsomeofhisprivateaffairs,which,whiletheyremainedunsettled,weighedheavilyonhismind。Theyhadnoconnectionwiththecrimeshehadcommitted,soIcoulddohimthelastlittleservicehewasevertoacceptatmyhandswithaclearconscience。
  Isaynothingindefenseofhischaracter——nothinginpalliationoftheoffenseforwhichhesuffered。ButIcannotforgetthatinthetimeofhismostfearfulextremity,whenthestrongarmofthelawhadalreadyseizedhim,hethoughtoftheyoungmanwhosehumblefortuneshehadhelpedtobuild;whoseheartfeltgratitudehehadfairlywon;whosesimplefaithhewasresolvednevertobetray。Ileaveittogreaterintellectsthanminetoreconciletheanomalyofhisrecklessfalsehoodtowardothersandhissteadfasttruthtowardme。ItisascertainasthatwesitherethatoneofFauntleroy’slasteffortsinthisworldwastheefforthemadetopreservemefrombeingaloserbythetrustthatIhadplacedinhim。Thereisthesecretofmystrangetendernessforthememoryofafelon;thatiswhythewordvillaindoessomehowstillgrateonmyheartwhenIhearitassociatedwiththename——thedisgracedname,Igrantyou——oftheforgerFauntleroy。Passthebottles,younggentlemen,andpardonamanoftheoldschoolforhavingsolonginterruptedyourconversationwithastoryoftheoldtime。
  THETENTHDAY。
  THEstormhasburstonusinitsfullfury。Lastnightthestoutoldtowerrockedonitsfoundations。
  Ihardlyventuredtohopethatthemessengerwhobringsusourlettersfromthevillage——thepostman,aswecallhim——wouldmakehisappearancethismorning;buthecamebravelythroughrain,hailandwind。Theoldponywhichheusuallyrideshadrefusedtofacethestorm,and,soonerthandisappointus,ourfaithfulpostmanhadboldlystartedforTheGlenToweronfoot。Allhisearlylifehadbeenpassedonboardship,and,atsixtyyearsofage,hehadbattledhiswaythatmorningthroughthestormonshoreassteadilyandasresolutelyaseverhehadbattleditinhisyouththroughthestormatsea。
  Iopenedthepost—bageagerly。ThereweretwolettersforJessiefromyoungladyfriends;aletterforOwenfromacharitablesociety;alettertomeuponbusiness;and——onthislastday,ofallothers——nonewspaper!
  Isentdirectlytothekitchen(wherethedrenchedandwearypostmanwasreceivingthehospitableattentionsoftheservants)
  tomakeinquiries。Thedishearteninganswerreturnedwasthatthenewspapercouldnothavearrivedasusualbythemorning’spost,oritmusthavebeenputintothebagalongwiththeletters。Nosuchaccidentasthishadoccurred,exceptononeformeroccasion,sincethebeginningoftheyear。Andnow,ontheverydaywhenImighthavelookedconfidentlyfornewsofGeorge’sship,whenthestateoftheweathermadethefindingofthatnewsofthelastimportancetomypeaceofmind,thepaper,bysomeinconceivablefatality,hadfailedtoreachme!Iftherehadbeentheslightestchanceofborrowingacopyinthevillage,Ishouldhavegonetheremyselfthroughthetempesttogetit。Iftherehadbeenthefaintestpossibilityofcommunicating,inthatfrightfulweather,withthedistantcountytown,Ishouldhavesentthereorgonetheremyself。Ievenwentthelengthofspeakingtothegroom,anoldservantwhomIknewIcouldtrust。
  Themanstaredatmeinastonishment,andthenpointedthroughthewindowtotheblindinghailandthewrithingtrees。
  "Nohorsethateverwasfoaled,sir,"hesaid,"wouldface_that_
  forlong。It’sa’mostamiraclethatthepostmangotherealive。
  Hesayshimselfthathedursn’tgobackagain。I’lltryit,sir,ifyouorderme;butifanaccidenthappens,pleasetoremember,whateverbecomesof_me,_thatIwarnedyoubeforehand。"
  Itwasonlytooplainthattheservantwasright,andIdismissedhim。WhatIsufferedfromthatoneaccidentofthemissingnewspaperIamashamedtotell。Noeducatedmancanconceivehowlittlehisacquiredmentaladvantageswillavailhimagainsthisnaturalhumaninheritanceofsuperstition,undercertaincircumstancesoffearandsuspense,untilhehaspassedtheordealinhisownproperperson。Wemostofussoonarriveataknowledgeoftheextentofourstrength,butwemaypassalifetimeandbestillignorantoftheextentofourweakness。
  UptothistimeIhadpreservedself—controlenoughtohidetherealstateofmyfeelingsfromourguest;butthearrivalofthetenthday,andtheunexpectedtrialithadbroughtwithit,foundmeattheendofmyresources。Jessie’sacuteobservationsoonshowedherthatsomethinghadgonewrong,andshequestionedmeonthesubjectdirectly。Mymindwasinsuchastateofconfusionthatnoexcuseoccurredtome。Ileftherprecipitately,andentreatedOwenandMorgantokeepherintheircompany,andoutofmine,fortherestoftheday。Mystrengthtopreservemyson’ssecrethadfailedme,andmyonlychanceofresistingthebetrayalofitlayinthechildishresourceofkeepingoutoftheway。IshutmyselfintomyroomtillIcouldbearitnolonger。I
  watchedmyopportunity,andpaidstolenvisitsoverandoveragaintothebarometerinthehall。ImountedtoMorgan’sroomsatthetopofthetower,andlookedouthopelesslythroughrain—mistandscudforsignsofacarriageonthefloodedvalley—roadbelowus。Istoledownagaintotheservants’hall,andquestionedtheoldpostman(half—tipsybythistimewithrestorativemulledale)abouthispastexperienceofstormsatsea;drewhimintotellinglong,rambling,wearisomestories,notone—tenthpartofwhichIheard;andlefthimwithmynervousirritabilityincreasedtenfoldbyhisuselessattemptstointerestandinformme。Hourbyhour,allthroughthatmiserableday,Iopeneddoorsandwindowstofeelformyselfthecapriciouschangesofthestormfromworsetobetter,andfrombettertoworseagain。NowIsentoncemoreforthegroom,whenitlookedlighter;andnowIfollowedhimhurriedlytothestables,tocountermandmyownrashorders。Mythoughtsseemedtodriveovermymindastheraindroveovertheearth;theconfusionwithinmewastheimageinlittleofthemightierturmoilthatragedoutside。
  Beforeweassembledatthedinner—table,Owenwhisperedtomethathehadmademyexcusestoourguest,andthatIneeddreadnothingmorethanafewfriendlyinquiriesaboutmyhealthwhenI
  sawheragain。Themealwasdispatchedhastilyandquietly。
  Towardduskthestormbegantolessen,andforamomenttheideaofsendingtothetownoccurredtomeoncemore。But,nowthattheobstacleofweatherhadbeenremoved,theobstacleofdarknesswassetupinitsplace。Ifeltthis;IfeltthatafewmorehourswoulddecidethedoubtaboutGeorge,sofarasthislastdaywasconcerned,andIdeterminedtowaitalittlelonger,havingalreadywaitedsolong。Myresolutionwasthemorespeedilytakeninthismatter,asIhadnowmadeupmymind,insheerdespair,totellmyson’ssecrettoJessieifhefailedtoreturnbeforesheleftus。MyreasonwarnedmethatIshouldputmyselfandmyguestinafalsepositionbytakingthisstep,butsomethingstrongerthanmyreasonforbademetolethergobacktothegayworldanditstemptationswithoutfirstspeakingtoherofGeorgeinthelamentableeventofGeorgenotbeingpresenttospeakforhimself。
  Wewereasadandsilentlittlecompanywhentheclockstruckeightthatnight,andwhenwemetforthelasttimetohearthelaststory。Theshadowoftheapproachingfarewell——itselftheshadeofthelongfarewell——restedheavilyonourguest’sspirits。Thegaydresseswhichshehadhithertoputontohonorourlittleceremonywereallpackedup,andtheplaingownsheworekeptthejourneyofthemorrowcruellybeforehereyesandours。Aquietmelancholysheditstendernessoverherbrightyoungfaceasshedrewthelastnumber,forform’ssake,outofthebowl,andhandedittoOwenwithafaintsmile。Evenourpositionsatthetablewerealterednow。Underthepretensethatthelighthurtmyeyes,Imovedbackintoadimcorner,tokeepmyanxiousfaceoutofview。Morgan,lookingatmehard,andmutteringunderhisbreath,"ThankHeaven,Inevermarried!"
  stolehischairbydegrees,withrough,silentkindness,nearerandnearertomine。Jessie,afteramoment’shesitation,vacatedherplacenext,and,sayingthatshewantedtositclosetooneofusonthefarewellnight,tookachairatOwen’sside。Sad!
  sad!wehadinstinctivelybrokenupalready,sofarasourplacesatthetablewereconcerned,beforethereadingofthelaststoryhadsomuchasbegun。
  ItwasareliefwhenOwen’squietvoicestoleoverthewearysilence,andpleadedforourattentiontotheoccupationofthenight。
  "NumberSix,"hesaid,"isthenumberthatchancehaslefttoremaintillthelast。Themanuscripttowhichitrefersisnot,asyoumaysee,inmyhandwriting。ItconsistsentirelyofpassagesfromtheDiaryofapoorhard—workinggirl——passageswhichtellanartlessstoryofloveandfriendshipinhumblelife。Whenthatstoryhascometoanend,ImayinformyouhowI
  becamepossessedofit。IfIdidsonow,Ishouldonlyforestalloneimportantpartoftheinterestofthenarrative。Ihavemadenoattempttofindastrikingtitleforit。Itiscalled,simplyandplainly,afterthenameofthewriteroftheDiary——theStoryofAnneRodway。"
  IntheshortpausethatOwenmadebeforehebegantoread,I
  listenedanxiouslyforthesoundofatraveler’sapproachoutside。Atshortintervals,allthroughthestory,Ilistenedandlistenedagain。Still,nothingcaughtmyearbutthetrickleoftherainandtherushofthesweepingwindthroughthevalley,sinkinggraduallylowerandlowerasthenightadvanced。
  BROTHEROWEN’SSTORY
  ofANNERODWAY。
  [TAKENFROMHERDIARY。]
  ***MARCH3d,1840。AlonglettertodayfromRobert,whichsurprisedandvexedmesothatIhavebeensadlybehindhandwithmyworkeversince。Hewritesinworsespiritsthanlasttime,andabsolutelydeclaresthatheispoorereventhanwhenhewenttoAmerica,andthathehasmadeuphismindtocomehometoLondon。
  HowhappyIshouldbeatthisnews,ifheonlyreturnedtomeaprosperousman!Asitis,thoughIlovehimdearly,Icannotlookforwardtothemeetinghimagain,disappointedandbrokendown,andpoorerthanever,withoutafeelingalmostofdreadforbothofus。Iwastwenty—sixlastbirthdayandhewasthirty—three,andthereseemslesschancenowthaneverofourbeingmarried。
  ItisallIcandotokeepmyselfbymyneedle;andhisprospects,sincehefailedinthesmallstationerybusinessthreeyearsago,areworse,ifpossible,thanmine。
  NotthatImindsomuchformyself;women,inallwaysoflife,andespeciallyinmydressmakingway,learn,Ithink,tobemorepatientthanmen。WhatIdreadisRobert’sdespondency,andthehardstrugglehewillhaveinthiscruelcitytogethisbread,letalonemakingmoneyenoughtomarryme。Solittleaspoorpeoplewanttosetupinhousekeepingandbehappytogether,itseemshardthattheycan’tgetitwhentheyarehonestandhearty,andwillingtowork。TheclergymansaidinhissermonlastSundayeveningthatallthingswereorderedforthebest,andweareallputintothestationsinlifethatareproperestforus。Isupposehewasright,beingaveryclevergentlemanwhofillsthechurchtocrowding;butIthinkIshouldhaveunderstoodhimbetterifIhadnotbeenveryhungryatthetime,inconsequenceofmyownstationinlifebeingnothingbutplainneedlewoman。
  March4th。MaryMallinsoncamedowntomyroomtotakeacupofteawithme。IreadherbitsofRobert’sletter,toshowherthat,ifshehashertroubles,Ihaveminetoo;butIcouldnotsucceedincheeringher。Shesayssheisborntomisfortune,andthat,aslongbackasshecanremember,shehasneverhadtheleastmorseloflucktobethankfulfor。Itoldhertogoandlookinmyglass,andtosayifshehadnothingtobethankfulforthen;forMaryisaveryprettygirl,andwouldlookstillprettierifshecouldbemorecheerfulanddressneater。However,mycomplimentdidnogood。Sherattledherspoonimpatientlyinhertea—cup,andsaid,"IfIwasonlyasgoodahandatneedle—workasyouare,Anne,IwouldchangefaceswiththeugliestgirlinLondon。""Notyou!"saysI,laughing。Shelookedatmeforamoment,andshookherhead,andwasoutoftheroombeforeIcouldgetupandstopher。Shealwaysrunsoffinthatwaywhensheisgoingtocry,havingakindofprideaboutlettingotherpeopleseeherintears。
  March5th。AfrightaboutMary。Ihadnotseenherallday,asshedoesnotworkatthesameplacewhereIdo;andintheeveningshenevercamedowntohaveteawithme,orsentmewordtogotoher;so,justbeforeIwenttobed,Iranupstairstosaygood—night。
  ShedidnotanswerwhenIknocked;andwhenIsteppedsoftlyintheroomIsawherinbed,asleep,withherworknothalfdone,lyingabouttheroomintheuntidiestway。Therewasnothingremarkableinthat,andIwasjustgoingawayontiptoe,whenatinybottleandwine—glassonthechairbyherbedsidecaughtmyeye。Ithoughtshewasillandhadbeentakingphysic,andlookedatthebottle。Itwasmarkedinlargeletters,"Laudanum——Poison。"
  Myheartgaveajumpasifitwasgoingtoflyoutofme。Ilaidholdofherwithbothhands,andshookherwithallmymight。Shewassleepingheavily,andwokeslowly,asitseemedtome——butstillshedidwake。Itriedtopullheroutofbed,havingheardthatpeopleoughttobealwayswalkedupanddownwhentheyhavetakenlaudanumbutsheresisted,andpushedmeawayviolently。
  "Anne!"saysshe,inafright。"Forgracioussake,what’scometoyou!Areyououtofyoursenses?"
  "Oh,Mary!Mary!"saysI,holdingupthebottlebeforeher,"ifI
  hadn’tcomeinwhenIdid——"AndIlaidholdofhertoshakeheragain。
  Shelookedpuzzledatmeforamoment——thensmiled(thefirsttimeIhadseenherdosoformanyalongday)——thenputherarmsroundmyneck。
  "Don’tbefrightenedaboutme,Anne,"shesays;"Iamnotworthit,andthereisnoneed。"
  "Noneed!"saysI,outofbreath——"noneed,whenthebottlehasgotPoisonmarkedonit!"
  "Poison,dear,ifyoutakeitall,"saysMary,lookingatmeverytenderly,"andanight’srestifyouonlytakealittle。"
  Iwatchedherforamoment,doubtfulwhetherIoughttobelievewhatshesaidortoalarmthehouse。Buttherewasnosleepinessnowinhereyes,andnothingdrowsyinhervoice;andshesatupinbedquiteeasily,withoutanythingtosupporther。
  "Youhavegivenmeadreadfulfright,Mary,"saysI,sittingdownbyherinthechair,andbeginningbythistimetofeelratherfaintafterbeingstartledso。
  Shejumpedoutofbedtogetmeadropofwater,andkissedme,andsaidhowsorryshewas,andhowundeservingofsomuchinterestbeingtakeninher。Atthesametime,shetriedtopossessherselfofthelaudanumbottlewhichIstillkeptcuddleduptightinmyownhands。
  "No,"saysI。"Youhavegotintoalow—spirited,despairingway。
  Iwon’ttrustyouwithit。"
  "IamafraidIcan’tdowithoutit,"saysMary,inherusualquiet,hopelessvoice。"WhatwithworkthatIcan’tgetthroughasIought,andtroublesthatIcan’thelpthinkingof,sleepwon’tcometomeunlessItakeafewdropsoutofthatbottle。
  Don’tkeepitawayfromme,Anne;it’stheonlythingintheworldthatmakesmeforgetmyself。"
  "Forgetyourself!"saysI。"Youhavenorighttotalkinthatway,atyourage。There’ssomethinghorribleinthenotionofagirlofeighteensleepingwithabottleoflaudanumbyherbedsideeverynight。Weallofushaveourtroubles。Haven’tI
  gotmine?"
  "YoucandotwicetheworkIcan,twiceaswellasme,"saysMary。"Youareneverscoldedandratedatforawkwardnesswithyourneedle,andIalwaysam。Youcanpayforyourroomeveryweek,andIamthreeweeksindebtformine。"
  "Alittlemorepractice,"saysI,"andalittlemorecourage,andyouwillsoondobetter。Youhavegotallyourlifebeforeyou——"
  "IwishIwasattheendofit,"saysshe,breakingin。"Iamaloneintheworld,andmylife’snogoodtome。"
  "Yououghttobeashamedofyourselfforsayingso,"saysI。
  "Haven’tyougotmeforafriend?Didn’tItakeafancytoyouwhenfirstyouleftyourstep—motherandcametolodgeinthishouse?Andhaven’tIbeensisterswithyoueversince?Supposeyouarealoneintheworld,amImuchbetteroff?I’manorphanlikeyou。I’vealmostasmanythingsinpawnasyou;and,ifyourpocketsareempty,minehaveonlygotninepenceinthem,tolastmeforalltherestoftheweek。"
  "Yourfatherandmotherwerehonestpeople,"saysMary,obstinately。"Mymotherranawayfromhome,anddiedinahospital。Myfatherwasalwaysdrunk,andalwaysbeatingme。Mystep—motherisasgoodasdead,forallshecaresaboutme。Myonlybrotheristhousandsofmilesawayinforeignparts,andneverwritestome,andneverhelpsmewithafarthing。Mysweetheart——"
  Shestopped,andtheredflewintoherface。Iknew,ifshewentonthatway,shewouldonlygettothesaddestpartofhersadstory,andgivebothherselfandmeunnecessarypain。
  "_My_sweetheartistoopoortomarryme,Mary,"Isaid,"soI’mnotsomuchtobeenviedeventhere。Butlet’sgiveoverdisputingwhichisworstoff。Liedowninbed,andletmetuckyouup。I’llputastitchortwointothatworkofyourswhileyougotosleep。"
  InsteadofdoingwhatItoldher,sheburstoutcrying(beingverylikeachildinsomeofherways),andhuggedmesotightroundtheneckthatshequitehurtme。Ilethergoontillshehadwornherselfout,andwasobligedtoliedown。Eventhen,herlastfewwordsbeforeshedroppedofftosleepweresuchasIwashalfsorry,halffrightenedtohear。
  "Iwon’tplagueyoulong,Anne,"shesaid。"Ihaven’tcouragetogooutoftheworldasyouseemtofearIshall;butIbeganmylifewretchedly,andwretchedlyIamsentencedtoendit。"
  Itwasofnouselecturingheragain,forsheclosedhereyes。
  ItuckedherupasneatlyasIcould,andputherpetticoatoverher,forthebedclotheswerescanty,andherhandsfeltcold。Shelookedsoprettyanddelicateasshefellasleepthatitquitemademyheartachetoseeher,aftersuchtalkaswehadheldtogether。Ijustwaitedlongenoughtobequitesurethatshewasinthelandofdreams,thenemptiedthehorriblelaudanumbottleintothegrate,tookupherhalf—donework,and,goingoutsoftly,leftherforthatnight。
  March6th。SentoffalonglettertoRobert,beggingandentreatinghimnottobesodown—hearted,andnottoleaveAmericawithoutmakinganothereffort。ItoldhimIcouldbearanytrialexceptthewretchednessofseeinghimcomebackahelpless,broken—downman,tryinguselesslytobeginlifeagainwhentoooldforachange。
  ItwasnottillafterIhadpostedmyownletter,andreadoverpartofRobert’sagain,thatthesuspicionsuddenlyfloatedacrossme,forthefirsttime,thathemighthavesailedforEnglandimmediatelyafterwritingtome。Therewereexpressionsintheletterwhichseemedtoindicatethathehadsomesuchheadlongprojectinhismind。Andyet,surely,ifitwereso,I
  oughttohavenoticedthematthefirstreading。IcanonlyhopeIamwronginmypresentinterpretationofmuchofwhathehaswrittentome——hopeitearnestlyforbothoursakes。
  Thishasbeenadolefuldayforme。IhavebeenuneasyaboutRobertanduneasyaboutMary。Mymindishauntedbythoselastwordsofhers:"Ibeganmylifewretchedly,andwretchedlyIamsentencedtoendit。"HerusualmelancholywayoftalkingneverproducedthesameimpressiononmethatIfeelnow。Perhapsthediscoveryofthelaudanum—bottleisthecauseofthis。Iwouldgivemanyahardday’sworktoknowwhattodoforMary’sgood。
  Myheartwarmedtoherwhenwefirstmetinthesamelodging—housetwoyearsago,and,althoughIamnotoneoftheover—affectionatesortmyself,IfeelasifIcouldgototheworld’sendtoservethatgirl。Yet,strangetosay,ifIwasaskedwhyIwassofondofher,Idon’tthinkIshouldknowhowtoanswerthequestion。
  March7th。Iamalmostashamedtowriteitdown,eveninthisjournal,whichnoeyesbutmineeverlookon;yetImusthonestlyconfesstomyselfthathereIam,atnearlyoneinthemorning,sittingupinastateofseriousuneasinessbecauseMaryhasnotyetcomehome。
  Iwalkedwithherthismorningtotheplacewheresheworks,andtriedtoleadherintotalkingoftherelationsshehasgotwhoarestillalive。Mymotiveindoingthiswastoseeifshedroppedanythinginthecourseofconversationwhichmightsuggestawayofhelpingherinterestswiththosewhoareboundtogiveherallreasonableassistance。ButthelittleIcouldgethertosaytomeledtonothing。Insteadofansweringmyquestionsaboutherstep—motherandherbrother,shepersistedatfirst,inthestrangestway,intalkingofherfather,whowasdeadandgone,andofoneNoahTruscott,whohadbeentheworstofallthebadfriendshehad,andhadtaughthimtodrinkandgame。WhenIdidgethertospeakofherbrother,sheonlyknewthathehadgoneouttoaplacecalledAssam,wheretheygrewtea。Howhewasdoing,orwhetherhewastherestill,shedidnotseemtoknow,neverhavingheardawordfromhimforyearsandyearspast。