TheProphetlowedhishead,andmetaphorically,threwupthesponge。
"LadyJulia,"saidMrs。Merillia,inasoftvoicethatslightlytrembled,"letusgoupstairs。"
Thetwooldladiesbowedwithtearfuldignity,andretiredwithasortofgentlemajestythatcuttheProphettotheheart。
"Onemoment,ifyouplease!"hesaidtohisguests。
Andhedartedoutoftheroomandleapedupthestairs。HefoundMrs。
MerilliaandLadyJuliajustabouttodisposethemselvessidebysideuponasofanearthefire。Theyturnedandlookedathimwithreproachfuldoves’eyes。
"Grannie——LadyJulia!"heexclaimed,"Iimploreyourforgiveness。
Pardonme!Appearancesareagainstme,Iknow。ButsomedayyoumayunderstandhowIamplaced。Mypositionis——my——mysituation——I——you——
donotwhollycondemnme!Wait——waitafewdays,Iimploreyou!"
Herushedoutoftheroom。
Thetwooldladiesseatedthemselvesuponthesofa,andtremblinglyspreadabroadtheirdamaskskirts。Theylookedateachotherinsilence,shakingtheirelegantheads。ThenMrs。Merilliasaid,inaflutteringvoice,——
"Oh,Julia,youwerealadyinwaitingtoHerMajesty,youwerekissedbythegreatDuke——tellme——tellmewhatitallmeans!"
"Victoria,"repliedLadyJulia,"itmeansthatyourgrandsonhasfallenintotheclutchesofadangerousanddeterminedratcatcher。"
Andthenthetwooldladiesmingledtheirdamaskskirtsandtheirlacecapsandwept。
CHAPTERXVIII
THESILLYLIFE
"CallacabforSirTiglath,Mr。Ferdinand,"whisperedtheProphet——"afour—wheelerwithalamehorse。I’lltakebothMr。andMadameSagittariusinthebrougham。"
"Mustthehorsebelame,sir?"
"Yes。Iabsolutelydeclinetoencouragethepracticeofusinggoodhorsesinfour—wheeledcabs。It’sadisgracetothepooranimals。Itmustbeaverylamehorse。"
"Yes,sir。"
AndMr。Ferdinand,standinguponthedoorstep,whistledtothenight。
Strangetosay,inabouttwominutesthereappearedroundthecornertheverysamecabmanwhohadconveyedtheProphetandLadyEnidtotheastronomer’sonthepreviousday,drivingtheverysamehorse。
"Thishorsewilldoadmirably,"saidtheProphettoMr。Ferdinand。
"Heisn’tlame,sir。"
"P’r’apsnot;butheknowshowtotumbledown。SirTiglath,hereisacabforyou。Weshallgointhebrougham。ZoologicalHouse,Regent’sPark,isthedirection。Letmehelpyouin,Madame。"
AstheProphetgotintositbodkinbetweenhisoldandvaluedfriends,hewhisperedtothefootman,——
"TellSimkinstodriveasfastaspossible。Weareverylate。"
Thefootmantouchedhishat。Justasthecarriagemovedoff,theProphetprotrudedhisheadfromthewindow,andsawtheastronomerrollingintothefour—wheeler,thehorseofwhichimmediatelyfelldowninamostsatisfactorymanner。
Therewasnogeneralconversationinthebrougham,buttheProphet,whowasobligedtositpartlyonMadame,andpartlyonMr。Sagittariusandpartlyonair,occasionallyheardinthedarknessathisbackterriblematrimonialwhisperings,whoseexacttenorhewasunabletocatch。OnceonlyheheardMadamesaysibilantlyandwithaviciousclick,——
"ImighthaveknownwhattoexpectwhenImarriedaProphet——whenI
passedoverthe/ponsasinoribus/togivemyselftoa/monstramhorrendo/。"
Tothispatheticheart—cryMr。Sagittariusmadeaveryprolongedanswer。TheProphetknewitwasprolongedbecauseMr。Sagittariusalwayswhisperedinsuchamannerastoticklethenapeofhisneck。
Buthecouldnothearanythingexceptasoundlikesteamescapingfromasmallpipe。Thesteamwentonescapinguntilthebroughampassedthroughagate,rolleddownadeclivity,anddrewupbeforeanenormousmansionwhosewindowsblazedwithlight。
"IsthistheZoologicalGardens?"inquiredMadameinasternvoice。"IsthisthehabitationofthewomanBridgeman?"
"IsupposethisisZoologicalHouse,"repliedtheProphet,slidingdecorouslyoffMadame’sleftkneeinpreparationfordescent。
"Mydarling!mylove!"saidMr。Sagittarius。"IswearupontheinfantheadofourCapricornusthatMrs。BridgemanandIare——"
"Enough!"criedMadame。"/Jamsatus/!BesurethatIwillinquireintothismatter。"
Thecarriagedoorwasopenedand,withsomestruggling,theProphetandhistwovaluedfriendsemergedandspeedilyfoundthemselvesinaverylargehall,whichwasnearlyfullofverylargepowderedfootmen。Inthedistancetherewasthesoundofunitedfrivolities,abandoftwentyguitarsthrummingawilful/seguidilla/。Rosesbloomedoneveryside,andbeyondthehalltheybeheldavisionofilluminatedvistas,downwhichvaguefigurescameandwent。
EvidentlywhenMrs。Bridgemanletherselfgosheletherselfgothoroughly。
Mr。Sagittariusgazedabouthimwithawe—struckamazement,butMadamewasequaltotheoccasion。Shecasttherabbit—skinsimperiallytoaneighbouringflunkey,arrangedherhairandfichubeforeaglass,kickedoutherskirtwiththeheelofoneofthekidboots,nippedthegreenchiffonintoprominencewithdecisivefingers,andthen,turningtotheProphetwithallthemajestyofasuburbanempress,saidinapowerfulvoice,——
"Stepforward,Ibeg。/J’aipret/。"
TheProphet,thusencouraged,steppedforwardtowardsanaperturethatonordinarydayscontainedadoor,butthatnowcontainedastoutelderlylady,withhenna—dyedhair,apowderedface,blackeyebrowsandayellowgown,onwhichrestedalargenumberofjewelledornamentsthatlookedlikesmallbombs。Atthislady’selbowstoodafootmanwithanexceedinglypowerfulbassvoice,whoshoutedthenamesofapproachingguestsinamannersouncompromisingastobeterrific。
Eachtimehesoshoutedthestoutladyfirststartedandthensmiled,thetwooperationssucceedingoneanotherwithalmostinconceivablerapidityandviolence。
"Whatname,sir?"askedthefootmanoftheProphet,bendinghispowderedheadtillitwasonlyaboutsixfeettwoinchesfromthefloor。
"Mr。HennesseyVivian,"repliedtheProphet,hesitatingastowhatheshouldadd。
"Mr。HemmerspeedVivian!"roaredthefootman。"Whatname,Madame?"(toMadameSagittarius)。
"Mr。andMadameSagittariusofSagittariusLodge,theMouse!"repliedtheladymajestically。
"Mr。——andMadame——Segerteribus——of——Segerteribus——Lodge,theMouse!"
bawledthefootman。
Thestoutlady,whowasMrs。VaneBridgeman,startedandsmiled。
"Delightedtoseeyou,Mr。Segerteribus!"shesaidtotheProphet。
TheProphethastenedtoexplainthroughtheuproaroftwentyguitars。
"Mr。Vivianismyname。IthinkMissMinervaPartridge——"
Mrs。Bridgemanstartedandsmiled。
"Ofcourse,"sheexclaimed。"Ofcourse。YouaretobekindenoughtointroducemesomedaytoMr。Sagi——Sagi——somethingorother,andIamtointroducehimtoSirTiglathButt,whenSirTiglathButthasbeenintroducedtomebydearMissPartridge。Itisalltoworkoutbeautifully。Yes,yes!Charming!charming!"
"IhaveventuredtobringMr。andMadameSagittariuswithmeto—night,"
saidtheProphet。
Mrs。Bridgemanstartedandsmiled。
"Theyaremyoldandvaluedfriends,and——andheretheyare。"
"Delighted!delighted!"saidMrs。Bridgeman,speakinginaconfusedmannerthroughtheguitars。"Howd’youdo,Mr。Sagittarius?"
Andsheshookhandswarmlywithaverysmallandsaturnineclergymandecoratedwithashockofebonhair,whowaspassingatthemoment。
"Biggle!"saidthelittleclergyman。
Mrs。Bridgemanstartedandsmiled。
"Biggle!"repeatedthelittleclergyman。"Biggle!"
Theguitarsroseupwithviolence,andallthehot,drubbingpassionofBayswaterbeingSpanish。
"Yes,indeed,Isoagreewithyou,dearMr。Sagittarius,"saidMrs。
Bridgemantothelittleclergyman。
"Biggle!"thelittleclergymancriedinaportentousvoice。"Biggle!
Biggle!"
"Whatdoeshemean?"whisperedMrs。BridgemantotheProphet。"Howdoesone?"
"Ithinkthatishisname。TheseareMr。andMadameSagittarius。"
Mrs。Bridgemanstartedandsmiled。
"Biggle——ofcourse,"shesaidtothelittleclergyman,whopassedonwithanairofreliantself—satisfaction。"Delightedtoseeyou,"sheadded,thistimeaddressingtheProphet’soldandvaluedfriends。"Ah!
Mr。Sagi——Sagi——um——IhaveheardsomuchofyoufromdearMissMinerva。"
Thewild,highnotesofaflute,playedbyasillygentlemanfromTooting,shrilledthroughthetuppingoftheguitars,andMr。
Sagittarius,tremblingineverylimb,hissedinMrs。Bridgeman’sear,——
"Hush,ma’am,formercy’ssake!"
Mrs。Bridgemanstartedandforgottosmile。
"Mylovedandhonouredwife,"continuedMr。Sagittarius,inaloudandanxiousvoice,"moretomethananylunarguideorstarrymonitor!
MadameSagittarius,aladyofdeepeducation,ma’am。"
"Delighted!"saidMrs。Bridgeman,makingagraciousgrimaceatMadame,whoinclinedherselfstonilyandrepliedinasinistervoice,——
"Itisindeedtimethatthisrencontertookplace。Henceforth,ma’am,I
shallbeeveratmyhusband’sside,/perfusetnefus/——/etnefus/,ma’am。"
"Soglad,"saidMrs。Bridgeman。"Ihavebeenlongingforthis——"
"Mr。BernardWilkins!"roaredthetallfootman。
Mr。SagittariusstartedandMrs。Bridgemandidthesameandsmiled。
"BernardWilkinstheProphet!"Mr。Sagittariusexclaimed。"FromtheRise!"
"Mrs。ElizaDoubleway!"shoutedthefootman。
"Mrs。Eliza!"criedMr。Sagittarius,ingreatexcitement。"That’sthesoothsayerfromtheBeck!"
"MadameCharlotteHumm!"yelledthefootman。
"MadameHumm!"vociferatedMr。Sagittarius,"thecrystal—gazerfromtheHill!"
"ProfessorElijahChapman!"bawledthefootman。
"Thenose—reader!"pipedMr。Sagittarius。"Thenose—readerfromtheButts!"
"Verano!"screamedthefootman,triumphantlysubmergingthefluteandthetwentyguitars。"Verano!"
"TheSouthAmericanIrishpalmistfromtheDowns!Mylove,"saidMr。
Sagittarius,inacrackingvoice,"weareinitto—night,weareindeed;wearefairlyandsquarelyinit。"
Madamebegantobridleandtolookasostentatiousasaleviathan。
"Andifweare,Jupiter!"shesaidinavoicethatrivalledthefootman’s——"ifweare,wearemerelyinourelement。Theyneedn’tthinktocomeoverme!"
"Hush,mylove!Rememberthat——"
"Dr。BirdieSoames!"interposedthevibrantbassofthefootman。
"ThephysiognomyladyfromtheCommon!"saidMr。Sagittarius,onthepointofbreakingdownundertheemotionofthemoment。"Scot!Scot!
GreatScot!"
Mrs。Bridgemanwasnowcompletelysurroundedbyaheterogeneousmassofveryremarkable—lookingpeople,amongwhomwerepeculiarlyprominentanenormouslybroad—shoulderedman,withRomanfeaturesandhishaircutoverhisbrowinaroyalfringe,asmallwomanwithapointedrednoseinbeadbraceletsandprune—colouredmuslin,andanelderlyfemalewithshortgrizzledhair,whoworeacollegegownandamortar—boardwithascarlettassel,andwhocarriedinonehandalargeskullmarkedoutinsquareswithredink。ThesewereVerano,theIrishpalmistfromtheDowns;Mrs。ElizaDoubleway,thesoothsayerfromBeck;andDr。BirdieSoames,thephysiognomyladyfromtheCommon。Immediatelyaroundthesecelebritiesweregroupedaverypalegentlemaninashortjacket,wholookedasifhemadehismoneybyeatingnothinganddrinkingagreatdeal,aplethoricfemalewithamundaneface,inwhichwassetalargeanddelicatelydistractedgreyeye;andagentlemanwithajowl,apugnose,andalargequantityofbrass—colouredhairaboutascurlyashay,whichfelldownoveralowcollar,roundwhichwasnegligentlyknottedahugeblacktie。ThistriocomprisedMr。BernardWilkins,theProphetfromtheRise;MadameCharlotteHumm,thecrystal—gazerfromtheHill;andProfessorElijahChapman,thenose—readerfromtheButts。
NosoonerwasthenewsofthearrivalofthesegreatandnotoriouspeoplebruitedabroadthroughthemagnificentsaloonsofZoologicalHousethanMrs。Bridgeman’sguestsbegantoflockaroundthemfromallthefourquartersofthemansion,desertingeventheneighbourhoodoftheguitarsandtheinvitingseclusionofthevariousrefreshment—
rooms。Fromallsidesrosethehumofcommentandthemurmurofspeculation。Pince—nezwereadjusted,eyeglassesscrewedintoeyes,fingerspointed,feetelevateduponuneasytoes。PrettygirlsboldlytroduponthegownsofelderlymatronsintheendeavourtodrawneartoMrs。Bridgemanandhergroupofcelebrities;youthspushedandshoved;
chaperonselbowed,andoldgentlemendartedfromoneplacetoanotherinwildendeavourstofindaninletthroughthepress。Andamidthisfranticscrambleofthecurious,thefamousmembersoftheoccultworldstood,calmlyconsciousoftheirvalueandinnowiseupsetordiscomposed。VeranostrokedhisRomanfeatures,andranhislargewhitehandthroughhiscurlyfringe;Dr。BirdieSoamestappedherskull;Mrs。
ElizaDoublewayplayedwithherbeadbracelets;Mr。BernardWilkinsandMadameCharlotteHummconversedtogetherindreamymurmurs;whileProfessorElijahChapmanshookhisbrass—colouredhairtillitfellforwardoverhisvariegatedshirt—front,andglancedinquiringlyatthemultitudesofanxiousnoseswhichofferedthemselvestohisinspectionbeneaththeglareoftheelectriclights。
Mr。andMadameSagittarius,completelyoverlookedinthethrong,elbowed,trampledupon,joggedfrombehindandproddedfrombefore,gazedwithapassionofbitterenvyattheirworshippedrivals,whoweresetinthefullblazeofsuccess,whiletheylanguishedintheouterdarknessofanonymousobscurity。
"/Omiserishominummen/——don’tsetyourfeetonme,sir,ifyouplease!"criedMadame。"/Opectoraecaec/——ma’am,Ibegyoutotakeyourelbowfrommythroatthisminute!"
Butevenherpowerfulandindignantorganwaslostinthehubbubthatmingledwiththewildmusicoftheguitars,towhichwasnowaddedthetinkleofbellsandthevehementclickofarounddozenofcastanets,markingthebull—fightingrhythmofanewaircalled"TheEspada’sReturntoMadrid。"
"Jupiter!"shegurgled。"Ishallbesuff——"
"Mr。AmosTowle!"roaredthefootmansavagely。
"ThegreatmediumfromtheWick!"
"Towletheseer!"
"AmosTowle,thefamousspiritualist!"
"Mr。Towlewhomaterialises!"
"ThecelebratedTowle!"
"ThegreatandonlyTowle!"
"Oh,isit/the/Towle?"
"ImustseeTowle!"
"Whereishe?Oh,whereisTowle?"
"Towlewhocommunicateswiththeotherworld!"
"Towlethemagician!"
"Towlethehypnotist!"
"Towlethesoothsayer!"
"ThemagneticTowle!"
"TheelectricTowle!"
"Wemust——wemustseeTowle!"
Suchwereaveryfewoftheexclamationsthatinstantlyburstforthupontheconclusionofthefootman’sannouncement。Theelbowingandtramplingbecamemoreviolentthanever,andMrs。Bridgemanwasforced——fromlackofroom——toforegohersocietystart,thoughshewasstillabletoindulgeinhersocietysmile,asshebowed,withalmostswooninggraciousness,toashort,perspiring,baldandside—whiskeredmaningreasybroadcloth,wholookedasifhewouldhavebeenquiteathomeupontheboxofafour—wheeledcab,asindeedhewould,seeingthathehaddrivenagrowlerforfive—and—twentyyearsbeforediscoveringthathewasthegreatandonlyTowle,medium,seer,andworker—of—miracles—in—chieftothelargeandincreasingcrowdthatlivesthesillylife。
"Oh,Mr。Towle——charmed,delighted!"criedMrs。Bridgeman。"Iwassoafraid——HowsweetofyoutocomeoutallthiswayfromyoureyrieattheWick!You’llfindmanyfriends——dearMadameCharlotte——theProfessor——Mrs。Eliza——they’reallhere。AndMissMinerva,too!Yourgreatestadmireranddisciple!"
Atthismomentthecrowd,wildinitsendeavourtotouchtheinspiredbroadclothofthegreatTowle,surgedforward,andtheProphetwasdrivenlikearamagainsttheleftsideofhishostess。
"Ibeg——your——pard——"hegasped;"butcouldyoutell——me——whereMissMinerv——erva——is?Ispecial——lywantto——to——"
"Ithinkshe’swithEurekaintea—roomnumber1,"repliedMrs。
Bridgeman。"Oh,dear!Neartheband。Oh,dear!Oh,mygown!Oh!Sosweetofyoutocome,Mrs。Lorrimer!Justafewinterestingpeople!Oh,graciousmercy!Oh,forgoodness’sake!"
Shewasthrustagainstanewarrival,andtheProphet,bringinghisshouldersvigorouslyintoplay,accordingtotherulesofRugbyfootball,presentlyfoundhimselfoutintheopenandfreetowanderinsearchofMissMinerva,whomhewasmostanxioustoencounterbeforethearrivalofSirTiglathButt,whichmustnowbeimminent,despitethemarkeddisinclinationofhishorsetoproceedattherateofmorethanhalfamileanhour。
TheProphetabandonedMr。andMadameSagittariustotheirfate,thankful,indeed,toberidforamomentoftheirpropheticimportunity。
FollowingthegaspeddirectionsofMrs。Bridgeman,hemadetowardstheguitars,threadinganumberofdrawing—rooms,andpassingbythedoorsofvariousmysteriouschamberswhichwerecarefullycurtainedoffinamostsecretmanner。Hereandtherehesawgroupsofpeople——meninextraordinarycoatsandwithtouzledmassesofhair,womeningownsmadeofthecheapestmaterialsandcutinthemostimpossiblefashions。
Someworeconvolvulusontheirheads,ivy—leaves,trailingfuchsia,orsprigsofplantsknownonlytosuburbanhaberdashers;othersappearedboldlyincapsofthepork—pieorder,adornedwithcherry—colouredstreamers,clumpsoffeathersthathadneverseenabird,bunchesofshiningfruits,orcoinsthatlookedasiftheyhadjustemergedfromtheseclusionofthepoor—box。Threadglovesabounded,andweremostlyinwhatsaleswomencall"theloudshades"——brightscarlet,marigoldyellow,grassgreenoracutemagenta。Mittens,too,werevisiblecoveredwithcabalisticinscriptionsinglitteringbeadwork。Notafewgentlewomen,likeMadame,trodinelastic—sidedboots,andonesmallbutintrepidladycarriedherselfboldlyinacottonskirttoppedwithatartanblouse"carriedout"invermilionandsulphurcolour,overwhichwascarelesslyadjustedamacintoshcapepartiallytrimmedwithdistressed—lookingswansdown。HereandtheremightbeseensomesmartLondonwoman,perfectlydressedandglancingwithamusedamazementatthenewfashionsabouther;hereandthereawellset—upman,withnormalhairandatiethatwouldnothaveterrifiedPiccadilly。ButforthemostpartMrs。Bridgeman’sguestswerenotquiteusualinappearance,and,indeed,weresuchastheProphethadnevergazeduponbefore。
Presentlytheuproaroftheguitarsgrewmorestentorianuponhisear,and,leavingonhisleftanastonishingchamberthatcontainedfromadozentofifteensmallroundtables,withnothingwhateveruponthem,theProphetemergedintoaninnerhallwhere,inquiteagroveofshrubshungwithfairylights,twentyyoungladies,dressedfromtoptotoeinscarlet,andeachwearingalargegoldenmedal,werebeingasSpanishasiftheyhadnotbeenpaidforit,whiletwelvemorewhackedcastanetsandshookbellswithafrenzythatwasworthanexcellentsalary,thesillygentlemanfromTootingthewhileblowingfuriouslyuponhisflute,andcombiningthisintemperateindulgencewithanoccasionalassaultuponacottagepianothatstoodimmediatelybeforehim,orawaveofthebatonthatassertedhisrighttothepositionof/chefd’orchestre/。ImmediatelybeyondthisshrineofmusictheProphetperceivedaMoorishnookcontainingaBritishbuffet,and,inquitethemostMoorishcornerofthisnook,seateduponadivanthatwouldhavebeenathomeinMarakesh,hecaughtsightofMissMinervaincompanywithathin,fatiguedandwispyladyinaverylongvermiliongown,andanextremelysmallgentleman——apparentlyoftheHebrewpersuasion——whowassmartlydressed,worewhiteglovesandabuttonhole,andindulgedinagreatdealoffloridgesticulationwhiletalkingwithabnormalvivacity。MissMinerva,whowasplayingquietlywithalemonice,lookedevenmoresensiblethanusual,theProphetthought,inhersimplewhitefrock。Sheseemedtobequiteathomeandperfectlyhappywithhersillyfriends,but,assoonasshesawhimhoveringanxiouslytotheleftoftheguitars,shebeckonedtohimeagerly,andhehurriedforward。
"Oh,Mr。Vivian,I’msogladyou’vecome!LetmeintroduceyoutomygreatfriendEureka"——theladyinvermilionbowedabsent—mindedly,androlledherhugebrowneyeswearilyattheProphet——"andtoMr。BriskinMoses。"
Thelittlegentlemanmadeastagereverenceandflutteredhissmallhandsairily。
"Prettysight,prettysight!"hesaidinaquickandimpudentvoice。
"Alltheselittledearsenjoyingthemselvessoinnocently。MotherBridgeman’schickens,Icallthem。Butit’simpossibletocountthem,evenafterthey’rehatched。Cheeseit!"
Thefinalimperativewasflungdemurelyatamightyfootman,whojustthentriedtoimpoundMr。Moses’snotquitefinishedbrandy—and—soda。
"Sir?"saidthemightyfootman。
"Cheeseit!"criedMr。Moses,makingagestureoftragicrepugnanceinthedirectionofthefootman。
Themightyfootmancheeseditwithdignity,andafterwards,intheservants’hall,spokeverybitterlyofIsrael。
TheProphetwasextremelyanxioustogetawordalonewithMissMinerva。Indeed,itwasreallyimportantthatheshouldwarnherofSirTiglath’sapproach,buthecouldfindnoopportunityofdoingso,forMr。Moses,whowasnotafflictedwithdiffidence,rapidlycontinued,inaslightlyaffectedandtrippingcockneyvoice,——
"MotherBridgeman’sadearone!Godblessherforaprettysoul!She’dbesublimeinmusicalcomedy——theblacksatinsocietylady,youknow,whomakesthearistocraticrelief,——
"’I’maDowagerDuchess,andeveryoneknowsI’maladyrightdowntothetipofmytoes。’
"Veryvaluableamongtheminxes;worthherweightinhalf—crowns!I’dgiveheranengagementanyday,prettybird!Everseenherdrivinginacab?Shetakesoffherglovesandspreadsherhandsovertheaprontogettheair。Acanary!Anythingformeto—night,Eureka?Adove,amongoose——anythinglucky?Giveusachance,mother!"