CHAPTERII
　　Ican’thonestlysaythatwemademuchprogressatourfirstmeeting。ItwasBrown’sfault。Hewouldbeginbytellingusastoryaboutadog。Itwastheold，oldstoryofthedogwhohadbeeninthehabitofgoingeverymorningtoacertainbaker’sshopwithapennyinhismouth，inexchangeforwhichhealwaysreceivedapennybun。Oneday，thebaker，thinkinghewouldnotknowthedifference，triedtopalmoffuponthepooranimalaha’pennybun，whereuponthedogwalkedstraightoutsideandfetchedinapoliceman。Brownhadheardthischestnutforthefirsttimethatafternoon，andwasfullofit。ItisalwaysamysterytomewhereBrownhasbeenforthelasthundredyears。Hestopsyouinthestreetwith，"Oh，Imusttellyou！——suchacapitalstory！"Andhethereuponproceedstorelatetoyou，withmuchspiritandgusto，oneofNoah’sbestknownjokes，orsomestorythatRomulusmusthaveoriginallytoldtoRemus。OneofthesedayssomebodywilltellhimthehistoryofAdamandEve，andhewillthinkhehasgotholdofanewplot，andwillworkitupintoanovel。
　　Hegivesforththesehoaryantiquitiesaspersonalreminiscencesofhisown，or，atfurthest，asepisodesinthelifeofhissecondcousin。Therearecertainstrangeandmovingcatastrophesthatwouldseemeithertohaveoccurredto，ortohavebeenwitnessedby，nearlyeveryoneyoumeet。Inevercameacrossamanyetwhohadnotseensomeothermanjerkedoffthetopofanomnibusintoamud—
　　cart。HalfLondonmust，atonetimeoranother，havebeenjerkedoffomnibusesintomud—carts，andhavebeenfishedoutattheendofashovel。
　　Thenthereisthetaleoftheladywhosehusbandistakensuddenlyillonenightatanhotel。Sherushesdownstairs，andpreparesastiffmustardplastertoputonhim，andrunsupwithitagain。Inherexcitement，however，shechargesintothewrongroom，and，rollingdownthebedclothes，pressesitlovinglyuponthewrongman。
　　IhaveheardthatstorysooftenthatIamquitenervousaboutgoingtobedinanhotelnow。Eachmanwhohastolditmehasinvariablysleptintheroomnextdoortothatofthevictim，andhasbeenawakenedbytheman’syellastheplastercamedownuponhim。Thatishowhe（thestory—teller）cametoknowallaboutit。
　　Brownwantedustobelievethatthisprehistoricanimalhehadbeentellingusabouthadbelongedtohisbrother—in—law，andwashurtwhenJephsonmurmured，sottovoce，thatthatmadethetwenty—eighthmanhehadmetwhosebrother—in—lawhadownedthatdog——tosaynothingofthehundredandseventeenwhohadowneditthemselves。
　　Wetriedtogettoworkafterwards，butBrownhadunsettledusfortheevening。Itisawickedthingtostartdogstoriesamongapartyofaveragesinfulmen。Letonemantelladogstory，andeveryothermanintheroomfeelshewantstotellabiggerone。
　　Thereisastorygoing——Icannotvouchforitstruth，itwastoldmebyajudge——ofamanwholaydying。Thepastoroftheparish，agoodandpiousman，cametositwithhim，and，thinkingtocheerhimup，toldhimananecdoteaboutadog。Whenthepastorhadfinished，thesickmansatup，andsaid，"Iknowabetterstorythanthat。I
　　hadadogonce，abig，brown，lop—sided——"
　　Theefforthadprovedtoomuchforhisstrength。Hefellbackuponthepillows，andthedoctor，steppingforward，sawthatitwasaquestiononlyofminutes。
　　Thegoodoldpastorrose，andtookthepoorfellow’shandinhis，andpressedit。"Weshallmeetagain，"hegentlysaid。
　　Thesickmanturnedtowardshimwithaconsoledandgratefullook。
　　"I’mgladtohearyousaythat，"hefeeblymurmured。"Remindmeaboutthatdog。"
　　Thenhepassedpeacefullyaway，withasweetsmileuponhispalelips。
　　Brown，whohadhadhisdogstoryandwassatisfied，wantedustosettleourheroine；buttherestofusdidnotfeelequaltosettlinganybodyjustthen。Wewerethinkingofallthetruedogstorieswehadeverheard，andwonderingwhichwastheoneleastlikelytobegenerallydisbelieved。
　　MacShaughnassy，inparticular，wasgrowingeverymomentmorerestlessandmoody。Brownconcludedalongdiscourse——towhichnobodyhadlistened——byremarkingwithsomepride，"Whatmorecanyouwant？Theplothasneverbeenusedbefore，andthecharactersareentirelyoriginal！"
　　ThenMacShaughnassygaveway。"Talkingofplots，"hesaid，hitchinghischairalittlenearerthetable，"thatputsmeinmind。DidI
　　evertellyouaboutthatdogwehadwhenwelivedinNorwood？"
　　"It’snotthatoneaboutthebull—dog，isit？"queriedJephsonanxiously。
　　"Well，itwasabull—dog，"admittedMacShaughnassy，"butIdon’tthinkI’veevertoldityoubefore。"
　　Weknew，byexperience，thattoarguethematterwouldonlyprolongthetorture，sowelethimgoon。
　　"Agreatmanyburglarieshadlatelytakenplaceinourneighbourhood，"hebegan，"andthepatercametotheconclusionthatitwastimehelaiddownadog。Hethoughtabull—dogwouldbethebestforhispurpose，andhepurchasedthemostsavageandmurderous—lookingspecimenthathecouldfind。
　　"Mymotherwasalarmedwhenshesawthedog。’Surelyyou’renotgoingtoletthatbrutelooseaboutthehouse！’sheexclaimed。
　　’He’llkillsomebody。Icanseeitinhisface。’
　　"’Iwanthimtokillsomebody，’repliedmyfather；’Iwanthimtokillburglars。’
　　"’Idon’tliketohearyoutalklikethat，Thomas，’answeredthemater；’it’snotlikeyou。We’vearighttoprotectourproperty，butwe’venorighttotakeafellowhumancreature’slife。’
　　"’Ourfellowhumancreatureswillbeallright——solongastheydon’tcomeintoourkitchenwhenthey’venobusinessthere，’
　　retortedmyfather，somewhattestily。’I’mgoingtofixupthisdoginthescullery，andifaburglarcomesfoolingaround——well，that’sHISaffair。’
　　"Theoldfolksquarrelledonandoffforaboutamonthoverthisdog。Thedadthoughtthematerabsurdlysentimental，andthematerthoughtthedadunnecessarilyvindictive。Meanwhilethedoggrewmoreferocious—lookingeveryday。
　　"Onenightmymotherwokemyfatherupwith：’Thomas，there’saburglardownstairs，I’mpositive。Idistinctlyheardthekitchendooropen。’
　　"’Oh，well，thedog’sgothimbynow，then，’murmuredmyfather，whohadheardnothing，andwassleepy。
　　"’Thomas，’repliedmymotherseverely，’I’mnotgoingtolieherewhileafellow—creatureisbeingmurderedbyasavagebeast。Ifyouwon’tgodownandsavethatman’slife，Iwill。’
　　"’Oh，bother，’saidmyfather，preparingtogetup。’You’realwaysfancyingyouhearnoises。Ibelievethat’sallyouwomencometobedfor——tositupandlistenforburglars。’Justtosatisfyher，however，hepulledonhistrousersandsocks，andwentdown。
　　"Well，sureenough，mymotherwasright，thistime。ThereWASaburglarinthehouse。Thepantrywindowstoodopen，andalightwasshininginthekitchen。Myfathercreptsoftlyforward，andpeepedthroughthepartlyopendoor。Theresattheburglar，eatingcoldbeefandpickles，andthere，besidehim，onthefloor，gazingupintohisfacewithablood—curdlingsmileofaffection，satthatidiotofadog，wagginghistail。
　　"Myfatherwassotakenabackthatheforgottokeepsilent。
　　"’Well，I’m——，’andheusedawordthatIshouldnotcaretorepeattoyoufellows。
　　"Theburglar，hearinghim，madeadash，andgotclearoffbythewindow；andthedogseemedvexedwithmyfatherforhavingdrivenhimaway。
　　"Nextmorningwetookthedogbacktothetrainerfromwhomwehadboughtit。
　　"’WhatdoyouthinkIwantedthisdogfor？’askedmyfather，tryingtospeakcalmly。
　　"’Well，’repliedthetrainer，’yousaidyouwantedagoodhousedog。’
　　"’Exactlyso，’answeredthedad。’Ididn’taskforaburglar’scompanion，didI？Ididn’tsayIwantedadogwho’dchumonwithaburglarthefirsttimeheevercametothehouse，andsitwithhimwhilehehadsupper，incasehemightfeellonesome，didI？’Andmyfatherrecountedtheincidentsofthepreviousnight。
　　"Themanagreedthattherewascauseforcomplaint。’I’lltellyouwhatitis，sir，’hesaid。’ItwasmyboyJimastrainedthis’eredawg，andIguesstheyoungbeggar’staught’immoreabouttacklingratsthanburglars。Youleave’imwithmeforaweek，sir；I’llputthatallright。’
　　"Wedidso，andattheendofthetimethetrainerbroughthimbackagain。
　　"’You’llfind’imgameenoughnow，sir，’saidtheman。’’Eain’twhatIcallanintellectualdawg，butIthinkI’veknockedtherightideainto’im。’
　　"Myfatherthoughthe’dliketotestthematter，sowehiredamanforashillingtobreakinthroughthekitchenwindowwhilethetrainerheldthedogbyachain。Thedogremainedperfectlyquietuntilthemanwasfairlyinside。Thenhemadeonesavagespringathim，andifthechainhadnotbeenstoutthefellowwouldhaveearnedhisshillingdearly。
　　"Thedadwassatisfiednowthathecouldgotobedinpeace；andthemater’salarmforthesafetyofthelocalburglarswasproportionatelyincreased。
　　"Monthspasseduneventfullyby，andthenanotherburglarsampledourhouse。Thistimetherecouldbenodoubtthatthedogwasdoingsomethingforhisliving。Thedininthebasementwasterrific。
　　Thehouseshookwiththeconcussionoffallingbodies。
　　"Myfathersnatcheduphisrevolverandrusheddownstairs，andI
　　followedhim。Thekitchenwasinconfusion。Tablesandchairswereoverturned，andonthefloorlayamangurglingforhelp。Thedogwasstandingoverhim，chokinghim。
　　"Thepaterheldhisrevolvertotheman’sear，whileI，bysuperhumaneffort，draggedourpreserveraway，andchainedhimuptothesink，afterwhichIlitthegas。
　　"Thenweperceivedthatthegentlemanonthefloorwasapoliceconstable。
　　"’Goodheavens！’exclaimedmyfather，droppingtherevolver，’howeverdidyoucomehere？’
　　"’’OwdidIcome’ere？’retortedtheman，sittingupandspeakinginatoneofbitter，butnotunnatural，indignation。’Why，inthecourseofmydooty，that’s’owIcome’ere。Iseeaburglargettinginthroughthewindow，soIjustfollowsandslipsinafter’im。’
　　"’Didyoucatchhim？’askedmyfather。
　　"’DidIcatch’im！’almostshriekedtheman。"OwcouldIcatch’imwiththatblasteddogofyours’oldingmedownbythethroat，while’elights’ispipeandwalksoutbythebackdoor？’
　　"Thedogwasforsalethenextday。Themater，whohadgrowntolikehim，becauseheletthebabypullhistail，wantedustokeephim。Themistake，shesaid，wasnottheanimal’sfault。Twomenbrokeintothehousealmostatthesametime。Thedogcouldnotgoforbothofthem。Hedidhisbest，andwentforone。Thathisselectionshouldhavefallenuponthepolicemaninsteadofupontheburglarwasunfortunate。Butstillitwasathingthatmighthavehappenedtoanydog。
　　"Myfather，however，hadbecomeprejudicedagainstthepoorcreature，andthatsameweekheinsertedanadvertisementinTheField，inwhichtheanimalwasrecommendedasaninvestmentlikelytoproveusefultoanyenterprisingmemberofthecriminalclasses。"
　　MacShaughnassyhavinghadhisinnings，Jephsontookaturn，andtoldusapatheticstoryaboutanunfortunatemongrelthatwasrunoverintheStrandonedayanditslegbroken。Amedicalstudent，whowaspassingatthetime，pickeditupandcarriedittotheCharingCrossHospital，whereitslegwasset，andwhereitwaskeptandtendeduntilitwasquiteitselfagain，whenitwassenthome。
　　Thepoorthinghadquiteunderstoodwhatwasbeingdoneforit，andhadbeenthemostgratefulpatienttheyhadeverhadinthehospital。Thewholestaffwerequitesorrywhenitleft。
　　Onemorning，aweekortwolater，thehouse—surgeon，lookingoutofthewindow，sawthedogcomingdownthestreet。Whenitcamenearhenoticedthatithadapennyinitsmouth。Acat’s—meatbarrowwasstandingbythekerb，andforamoment，ashepassedit，thedoghesitated。
　　Buthisnoblernatureasserteditself，and，walkingstraightuptothehospitalrailings，andraisinghimselfuponhishindlegs，hedroppedhispennyintothecontributionbox。
　　MacShaughnassywasmuchaffectedbythisstory。Hesaiditshowedsuchabeautifultraitinthedog’scharacter。Theanimalwasapooroutcast，vagrantthing，thathadperhapsneverpossessedapennybeforeinallitslife，andmightneverhaveanother。Hesaidthatdog’spennyseemedtohimtobeagreatergiftthanthebiggestchequethatthewealthiestpatroneversigned。
　　Theotherthreewereveryeagernowtogettoworkonthenovel，butIdidnotquiteseethefairnessofthis。Ihadoneortwodogstoriesofmyown。
　　Iknewablack—and—tanterrieryearsago。Helodgedinthesamehousewithme。Hedidnotbelongtoanyone。Hehaddischargedhisowner（if，indeed，hehadeverpermittedhimselftopossessone，whichisdoubtful，havingregardtohisaggressivelyindependentcharacter），andwasnowrunninghimselfentirelyonhisownaccount。
　　Heappropriatedthefronthallforhissleeping—apartment，andtookhismealswiththeotherlodgers——whenevertheyhappenedtobehavingmeals。
　　Atfiveo’clockhewouldtakeanearlymorningsnackwithyoungHollis，anengineer’spupil，whohadtogetupathalf—pastfourandmakehisowncoffee，soastobedownattheworksbysix。Ateight—thirtyhewouldbreakfastinamoresensiblefashionwithMr。
　　Blair，onthefirstfloor，andonoccasionswouldjoinJackGadbut，whowasalateriser，inadevilledkidneyateleven。
　　Fromthentillaboutfive，whenIgenerallyhadacupofteaandachop，heregularlydisappeared。Wherehewentandwhathedidbetweenthosehoursnobodyeverknew。Gadbutsworethattwicehehadmethimcomingoutofastockbroker’sofficeinThreadneedleStreet，and，improbablethoughthestatementatfirstappeared，somecolourofcredibilitybegantoattachtoitwhenwereflecteduponthedog’sinordinatepassionforacquiringandhoardingcoppers。
　　Thiscravingofhisforwealthwasreallyquiteremarkable。Hewasanelderlydog，withagreatsenseofhisowndignity；yet，onthepromiseofapenny，Ihaveseenhimrunroundafterhisowntailuntilhedidn’tknowoneendofhimselffromtheother。
　　Heusedtoteachhimselftricks，andgofromroomtoroomintheevening，performingthem，andwhenhehadcompletedhisprogrammehewouldsitupandbeg。Allthefellowsusedtohumourhim。Hemusthavemadepoundsinthecourseoftheyear。
　　Once，justoutsideourdoor，Isawhimstandinginacrowd，watchingaperformingpoodleattachedtoahurdy—gurdy。Thepoodlestoodonhishead，andthen，withhishindlegsintheair，walkedroundonhisfrontpaws。Thepeoplelaughedverymuch，and，whenafterwardshecameamongstthemwithhiswoodensaucerinhismouth，theygavefreely。
　　Ourdogcameinandimmediatelycommencedtostudy。InthreedaysHEcouldstandonhisheadandwalkroundonhisfrontlegs，andthefirsteveninghedidsohemadesixpence。Itmusthavebeenterriblyhardworkforhimathisage，andsubjecttorheumatismashewas；buthewoulddoanythingformoney。Ibelievehewouldhavesoldhimselftothedevilforeightpencedown。
　　Heknewthevalueofmoney。Ifyouheldouttohimapennyinonehandandathreepenny—bitintheother，hewouldsnatchatthethreepence，andthenbreakhisheartbecausehecouldnotgetthepennyinaswell。Youmightsafelyhavelefthimintheroomwithalegofmutton，butitwouldnothavebeenwisetoleaveyourpurseabout。
　　Nowandthenhespentalittle，butnotoften。Hewasdesperatelyfondofsponge—cakes，andoccasionally，whenhehadhadagoodweek，hewouldindulgehimselftotheextentofoneortwo。Buthehatedpayingforthem，andalwaysmadeafranticandfrequentlysuccessfulefforttogetoffwiththecakeandthepennyalso。Hisplanofoperationswassimple。Hewouldwalkintotheshopwithhispennyinhismouth，welldisplayed，andasweetandlamblikeexpressioninhiseyes。Takinghisstandasneartothecakesashecouldget，andfixinghiseyesaffectionatelyuponthem，hewouldbegintowhine，andtheshopkeeper，thinkinghewasdealingwithanhonestdog，wouldthrowhimone。
　　Togetthecakehewasobliged，ofcourse，todropthepenny，andthenbeganastrugglebetweenhimandtheshopkeeperforthepossessionofthecoin。Themanwouldtrytopickitup。Thedogwouldputhisfootuponit，andgrowlsavagely。Ifhecouldfinishthecakebeforethecontestwasover，hewouldsnapupthepennyandbolt。Ihaveknownhimtocomehomegorgedwithsponge—cakes，theoriginalpennystillinhismouth。
　　Sonotoriousthroughouttheneighbourhooddidthisdishonestpracticeofhisbecome，that，afteratime，themajorityofthelocaltradespeoplerefusedtoservehimatall。Onlytheexceptionallyquickandable—bodiedwouldattempttodobusinesswithhim。
　　Thenhetookhiscustomfurtherafield，intodistrictswherehisreputationhadnotyetpenetrated。Andhewouldpickoutshopskeptbynervousfemalesorrheumaticoldmen。
　　Theysaythattheloveofmoneyistherootofallevil。Itseemedtohaverobbedhimofeveryshredofprinciple。
　　Itrobbedhimofhislifeintheend，andthatcameaboutinthisway。HehadbeenperformingoneeveninginGadbut’sroom，whereafewofusweresittingsmokingandtalking；andyoungHollis，beinginagenerousmood，hadthrownhim，ashethought，asixpence。Thedoggrabbedit，andretiredunderthesofa。Thiswasanoddthingforhimtodo，andwecommenteduponit。SuddenlyathoughtoccurredtoHollis，andhetookouthismoneyandbegancountingit。
　　"ByJove，"heexclaimed，"I’vegiventhatlittlebeasthalf—a—
　　sovereign——here，Tiny！"
　　ButTinyonlybackedfurtherunderneaththesofa，andnomereverbalinvitationwouldinducehimtostir。Soweadoptedamorepressingplan，andcoaxedhimoutbythescruffofhisneck。
　　Hecame，aninchatatime，growlingviciously，andholdingHollis’shalf—sovereigntightbetweenhisteeth。Wetriedsweetreasonablenessatfirst。Weofferedhimasixpenceinexchange；helookedinsulted，andevidentlyconsideredtheproposalastantamounttoourcallinghimafool。Wemadeitashilling，thenhalf—a—
　　crown——heseemedonlyboredbyourpersistence。
　　"Idon’tthinkyou’lleverseethishalf—sovereignagain，Hollis，"
　　saidGadbut，laughing。Weall，withtheexceptionofyoungHollis，thoughttheaffairaverygoodjoke。He，onthecontrary，seemedannoyed，and，takingthedogfromGadbut，madeanattempttopullthecoinoutofitsmouth。
　　Tiny，truetohislife—longprincipleofneverpartingifhecouldpossiblyhelpit，heldonlikegrimdeath，until，feelingthathislittleearningswereslowlybutsurelygoingfromhim，hemadeonefinaldesperatesnatch，andswallowedthemoney。Itstuckinhisthroat，andhebegantochoke。
　　Thenwebecameseriouslyalarmedforthedog。Hewasanamusingchap，andwedidnotwantanyaccidenttohappentohim。Hollisrushedintohisroomandprocuredalongpairofpincers，andtherestofusheldthelittlemiserwhileHollistriedtorelievehimofthecauseofhissuffering。
　　ButpoorTinydidnotunderstandourintentions。Hestillthoughtwewereseekingtorobhimofhisnight’stakings，andresistedvehemently。Hisstrugglesfixedthecoinfirmer，and，inspiteofourefforts，hedied——onemorevictim，amongmany，tothefiercefeverforgold。
　　Idreamtaverycuriousdreamaboutrichesonce，thatmadeagreatimpressionuponme。IthoughtthatIandafriend——averydearfriend——werelivingtogetherinastrangeoldhouse。Idon’tthinkanybodyelsedweltinthehousebutjustwetwo。Oneday，wanderingaboutthisstrangeoldramblingplace，Idiscoveredthehiddendoorofasecretroom，andinthisroomweremanyiron—boundchests，andwhenIraisedtheheavylidsIsawthateachchestwasfullofgold。
　　And，whenIsawthis，Istoleoutsoftlyandclosedthehiddendoor，anddrewtheworntapestriesinfrontofitagain，andcreptbackalongthedimcorridor，lookingbehindme，fearfully。
　　AndthefriendthatIhadlovedcametowardsme，andwewalkedtogetherwithourhandsclasped。ButIhatedhim。
　　AndalldaylongIkeptbesidehim，orfollowedhimunseen，lestbychanceheshouldlearnthesecretofthathiddendoor；andatnightIlayawakewatchinghim。
　　ButonenightIsleep，and，whenIopenmyeyes，heisnolongernearme。Irunswiftlyupthenarrowstairsandalongthesilentcorridor。Thetapestryisdrawnaside，andthehiddendoorstandsopen，andintheroombeyondthefriendthatIlovediskneelingbeforeanopenchest，andtheglintofthegoldisinmyeyes。
　　Hisbackistowardsme，andIcrawlforwardinchbyinch。Ihaveaknifeinmyhand，withastrong，curvedblade；andwhenIamnearenoughIkillhimashekneelsthere。
　　Hisbodyfallsagainstthedoor，anditshutstowithaclang，andI
　　trytoopenit，andcannot。Ibeatmyhandsagainstitsironnails，andscream，andthedeadmangrinsatme。Thelightstreamsinthroughthechinkbeneaththemassivedoor，andfades，andcomesagain，andfadesagain，andIgnawattheoakenlidsoftheiron—
　　boundchests，forthemadnessofhungerisclimbingintomybrain。
　　ThenIawake，andfindthatIreallyamhungry，andrememberthatinconsequenceofaheadacheIdidnoteatanydinner。SoIsliponafewclothes，andgodowntothekitchenonaforagingexpedition。
　　Itissaidthatdreamsaremomentaryconglomerationsofthought，centringroundtheincidentthatawakensus，and，aswithmostscientificfacts，thisisoccasionallytrue。Thereisonedreamthat，withslightvariations，iscontinuallyrecurringtome。OverandoveragainIdreamthatIamsuddenlycalledupontoactanimportantpartinsomepieceattheLyceum。ThatpoorMr。Irvingshouldinvariablybethevictimseemsunfair，butreallyitisentirelyhisownfault。Itishewhopersuadesandurgesme。I
　　myselfwouldmuchprefertoremainquietlyinbed，andItellhimso。Butheinsistsonmygettingupatonceandcomingdowntothetheatre。IexplaintohimthatIcan’tactabit。Heseemstoconsiderthisunimportant，andsays，"Oh，thatwillbeallright。"
　　Weargueforawhile，buthemakesthematterquiteapersonalone，andtoobligehimandgethimoutofthebedroomIconsent，thoughmuchagainstmyownjudgment。Igenerallydressthecharacterinmynightshirt，thoughononeoccasion，forBanquo，Iworepyjamas，andIneverrememberasinglewordofwhatIoughttosay。HowIgetthroughIdonotknow。Irvingcomesupafterwardsandcongratulatesme，butwhetheruponthebrilliancyofmyperformance，oruponmyluckingettingoffthestagebeforeabrickbatisthrownatme，I
　　cannotsay。
　　WheneverIdreamthisincidentIinvariablywakeuptofindthatthebedclothesareonthefloor，andthatIamshiveringwithcold；anditisthisshivering，Isuppose，thatcausesmetodreamIamwanderingabouttheLyceumstageinnothingbutmynightshirt。ButstillIdonotunderstandwhyitshouldalwaysbetheLyceum。
　　AnotherdreamwhichIfancyIhavedreamtmorethanonce——or，ifnot，IhavedreamtthatIdreamtitbefore，athingonesometimesdoes——isoneinwhichIamwalkingdownaverywideandverylongroadintheEastEndofLondon。Itisacuriousroadtofindthere。
　　Omnibusesandtramspassupanddown，anditiscrowdedwithstallsandbarrows，besidewhichmeningreasycapsstandshouting；yetoneachsideitisborderedbyastripoftropicalforest。Theroad，infact，combinestheadvantagesofKewandWhitechapel。
　　Someoneiswithme，butIcannotseehim，andwewalkthroughtheforest，pushingourwayamongthetangledvinesthatclingaboutourfeet，andeverynowandthen，betweenthegianttree—trunks，wecatchglimpsesofthenoisystreet。
　　Attheendofthisroadthereisanarrowturning，andwhenIcometoitIamafraid，thoughIdonotknowwhyIamafraid。ItleadstoahousethatIoncelivedinwhenachild，andnowthereissomeonewaitingtherewhohassomethingtotellme。
　　Iturntorunaway。ABlackwall’busispassing，andItrytoovertakeit。Butthehorsesturnintoskeletonsandgallopawayfromme，andmyfeetarelikelead，andthethingthatiswithme，andthatIcannotsee，seizesmebythearmanddragsmeback。
　　Itforcesmealong，andintothehouse，andthedoorslamstobehindus，andthesoundechoesthroughthelifelessrooms。Irecognisetherooms；Ilaughedandcriedinthemlongago。Nothingischanged。Thechairsstandintheirplaces，empty。Mymother’sknittingliesuponthehearthrug，wherethekitten，Iremember，draggedit，somewherebackinthesixties。
　　Igoupintomyownlittleattic。Mycotstandsinthecorner，andmybrickslietumbledoutuponthefloor（Iwasalwaysanuntidychild）。Anoldmanenters——anold，bent，witheredman——holdingalampabovehishead，andIlookathisface，anditismyownface。
　　Andanotherenters，andhealsoismyself。Thenmoreandmore，tilltheroomisthrongedwithfaces，andthestair—waybeyond，andallthesilenthouse。Someofthefacesareoldandothersyoung，andsomearefairandsmileatme，andmanyarefoulandleeratme。
　　Andeveryfaceismyownface，butnotwoofthemarealike。
　　Idonotknowwhythesightofmyselfshouldalarmmeso，butIrushfromthehouseinterror，andthefacesfollowme；andIrunfasterandfaster，butIknowthatIshallneverleavethembehindme。
　　Asaruleoneistheheroofone’sowndreams，butattimesIhavedreamtadreamentirelyinthethirdperson——adreamwiththeincidentsofwhichIhavehadnoconnectionwhatever，exceptasanunseenandimpotentspectator。OneoftheseIhaveoftenthoughtaboutsince，wonderingifitcouldnotbeworkedupintoastory。
　　But，perhaps，itwouldbetoopainfulatheme。
　　IdreamtIsawawoman’sfaceamongathrong。Itisanevilface，butthereisastrangebeautyinit。Theflickeringgleamsthrownbystreetlampsflashdownuponit，showingthewonderofitsevilfairness。Thenthelightsgoout。
　　Iseeitnextinaplacethatisveryfaraway，anditisevenmorebeautifulthanbefore，fortheevilhasgoneoutofit。Anotherfaceislookingdownintoit，abright，pureface。Thefacesmeetandkiss，and，ashislipstouchhers，thebloodmountstohercheeksandbrow。Iseethetwofacesagain。ButIcannottellwheretheyareorhowlongatimehaspassed。Theman’sfacehasgrownalittleolder，butitisstillyoungandfair，andwhenthewoman’seyesrestuponittherecomesagloryintoherfacesothatitislikethefaceofanangel。Butattimesthewomanisalone，andthenIseetheoldevillookstrugglingback。
　　ThenIseeclearer。Iseetheroominwhichtheylive。Itisverypoor。Anold—fashionedpianostandsinonecorner，andbesideitisatableonwhichliescatteredatumbledmassofpapersroundanink—stand。Anemptychairwaitsbeforethetable。Thewomansitsbytheopenwindow。
　　Fromfarbelowthererisesthesoundofagreatcity。Itslightsthrowupfaintbeamsintothedarkroom。Thesmellofitsstreetsisinthewoman’snostrils。
　　Everynowandagainshelookstowardsthedoorandlistens：thenturnstotheopenwindow。AndInoticethateachtimeshelookstowardsthedoortheevilinherfaceshrinksback；buteachtimesheturnstothewindowitgrowsmorefierceandsullen。
　　Suddenlyshestartsup，andthereisaterrorinhereyesthatfrightensmeasIdream，andIseegreatbeadsofsweatuponherbrow。Then，veryslowly，herfacechanges，andIseeagaintheevilcreatureofthenight。Shewrapsaroundheranoldcloak，andcreepsout。Ihearherfootstepsgoingdownthestairs。Theygrowfainterandfainter。Ihearadooropen。Theroarofthestreetsrushesupintothehouse，andthewoman’sfootstepsareswallowedup。
　　Timedriftsonwardthroughmydream。Sceneschange，takeshape，andfade；butallisvagueandundefined，until，outofthedimness，therefashionsitselfalong，desertedstreet。Thelightsmakeglisteningcirclesonthewetpavement。Afigure，dressedingaudyrags，slinksby，keepingcloseagainstthewall。Itsbackistowardsme，andIdonotseeitsface。Anotherfigureglidesfromouttheshadows。Ilookuponitsface，andIseeitisthefacethatthewoman’seyesgazedupintoandworshippedlongago，whenmydreamwasjustbegun。Butthefairnessandthepurityaregonefromit，anditisoldandevil，asthewoman’swhenIlookeduponherlast。Thefigureinthegaudyragsmovesslowlyon。Thesecondfigurefollowsit，andovertakesit。Thetwopause，andspeaktooneanotherastheydrawnear。Thestreetisverydarkwheretheyhavemet，andthefigureinthegaudyragskeepsitsfacestillturnedaside。Theywalktogetherinsilence，tilltheycometowhereaflaringgas—lamphangsbeforeatavern；andtherethewomanturns，andIseethatitisthewomanofmydream。Andsheandthemanlookintoeachother’seyesoncemore。
　　InanotherdreamthatIremember，anangel（oradevil，Iamnotquitesurewhich）hascometoamanandtoldhimthatsolongashelovesnolivinghumanthing——solongasheneversuffershimselftofeelonetouchoftendernesstowardswifeorchild，towardskithorkin，towardsstrangerortowardsfriend，solongwillhesucceedandprosperinhisdealings——solongwillallthisworld’saffairsgowellwithhim；andhewillgroweachdayricherandgreaterandmorepowerful。Butifeverheletonekindlythoughtforlivingthingcomeintohisheart，inthatmomentallhisplansandschemeswilltoppledownabouthisears；andfromthathourhisnamewillbedespisedbymen，andthenforgotten。
　　Andthemantreasuresupthesewords，forheisanambitiousman，andwealthandfameandpowerarethesweetestthingsinalltheworldtohim。Awomanloveshimanddies，thirstingforalovinglookfromhim；children’sfootstepscreepintohislifeandstealawayagain，oldfacesfadeandnewonescomeandgo。
　　Butneverakindlytouchofhishandrestsonanylivingthing；
　　neverakindlywordcomesfromhislips；neverakindlythoughtspringsfromhisheart。Andinallhisdoingsfortunefavourshim。
　　Theyearspassby，andatlastthereislefttohimonlyonethingthatheneedfear——achild’ssmall，wistfulface。Thechildloveshim，asthewoman，longago，hadlovedhim，andhereyesfollowhimwithahungry，beseechinglook。Buthesetshisteeth，andturnsawayfromher。
　　Thelittlefacegrowsthin，andonedaytheycometohimwherehesitsbeforethekeyboardofhismanyenterprises，andtellhimsheisdying。Hecomesandstandsbesidethebed，andthechild’seyesopenandturntowardshim；and，ashedrawsnearer，herlittlearmsstretchouttowardshim，pleadingdumbly。Buttheman’sfaceneverchanges，andthelittlearmsfallfeeblybackuponthetumbledcoverlet，andthewistfuleyesgrowstill，andawomanstepssoftlyforward，anddrawsthelidsdownoverthem；thenthemangoesbacktohisplansandschemes。
　　Butinthenight，whenthegreathouseissilent，hestealsuptotheroomwherethechildstilllies，andpushesbackthewhite，unevensheet。
　　"Dead——dead，"hemutters。Thenhetakesthetinycorpseupinhisarms，andholdsittightagainsthisbreast，andkissesthecoldlips，andthecoldcheeks，andthelittle，cold，stiffhands。
　　Andatthatpointmystorybecomesimpossible，forIdreamthatthedeadchildliesalwaysbeneaththesheetinthatquietroom，andthatthelittlefaceneverchanges，northelimbsdecay。
　　Ipuzzleaboutthisforaninstant，butsoonforgettowonder；forwhentheDreamFairytellsustalesweareonlyaslittlechildren，sittingroundwithopeneyes，believingall，thoughmarvellingthatsuchthingsshouldbe。
　　Eachnight，whenallelseinthehousesleeps，thedoorofthatroomopensnoiselessly，andthemanentersandclosesitbehindhim。
　　Eachnighthedrawsawaythewhitesheet，andtakesthesmalldeadbodyinhisarms；andthroughthedarkhourshepacessoftlytoandfro，holdingitcloseagainsthisbreast，kissingitandcrooningtoit，likeamothertohersleepingbaby。
　　Whenthefirstrayofdawnpeepsintotheroom，helaysthedeadchildbackagain，andsmoothsthesheetaboveher，andstealsaway。
　　Andhesucceedsandprospersinallthings，andeachdayhegrowsricherandgreaterandmorepowerful。
　　CHAPTERIII
　　Wehadmuchtroublewithourheroine。Brownwantedherugly。
　　Brown’schiefambitioninlifeistobeoriginal，andhismethodofobtainingtheoriginalistotaketheunoriginalandturnitupsidedown。
　　IfBrownweregivenalittleplanetofhisowntodoashelikedwith，hewouldcallday，night，andsummer，winter。Hewouldmakeallhismenandwomenwalkontheirheadsandshakehandswiththeirfeet，histreeswouldgrowwiththeirrootsintheair，andtheoldcockwouldlayalltheeggswhilethehenssatonthefenceandcrowed。Thenhewouldstepbackandsay，"SeewhatanoriginalworldIhavecreated，entirelymyownidea！"
　　TherearemanyotherpeoplebesidesBrownwhosenotionoforiginalitywouldseemtobepreciselysimilar。
　　Iknowalittlegirl，thedescendantofalonglineofpoliticians。
　　Thehereditaryinstinctissostronglydevelopedinherthatsheisalmostincapableofthinkingforherself。Instead，shecopiesineverythinghereldersister，whotakesmoreafterthemother。Ifhersisterhastwohelpingsofricepuddingforsupper，thenshehastwohelpingsofricepudding。Ifhersisterisn’thungryanddoesn’twantanysupperatall，thenshegoestobedwithoutanysupper。
　　Thislackofcharacterinthechildtroubleshermother，whoisnotanadmirerofthepoliticalvirtues，andoneevening，takingthelittleoneonherlap，shetalkedseriouslytoher。
　　"Dotrytothinkforyourself，"saidshe。"Don’talwaysdojustwhatJessiedoes，that’ssilly。Haveanideaofyourownnowandthen。Bealittleoriginal。"
　　Thechildpromisedshe’dtry，andwenttobedthoughtful。
　　Nextmorning，forbreakfast，adishofkippersandadishofkidneyswereplacedonthetable，sidebyside。Nowthechildlovedkipperswithanaffectionthatamountedalmosttopassion，whilesheloathedkidneysworsethanpowders。Itwastheonesubjectonwhichshedidknowherownmind。
　　"Akidneyorakipperforyou，Jessie？"askedthemother，addressingtheelderchildfirst。
　　Jessiehesitatedforamoment，whilehersistersatregardingherinanagonyofsuspense。
　　"Kipper，please，ma，"Jessieansweredatlast，andtheyoungerchildturnedherheadawaytohidethetears。
　　"You’llhaveakipper，ofcourse，Trixy？"saidthemother，whohadnoticednothing。
　　"No，thankyou，ma，"saidthesmallheroine，stiflingasob，andspeakinginadry，tremulousvoice，"I’llhaveakidney。"
　　"ButIthoughtyoucouldn’tbearkidneys，"exclaimedhermother，surprised。
　　"No，ma，Idon’tlike’emmuch。"
　　"Andyou’resofondofkippers！"
　　"Yes，ma。"
　　"Well，then，whyonearthdon’tyouhaveone？"
　　"’CosJessie’sgoingtohaveone，andyoutoldmetobeoriginal，"
　　andherethepoormite，reflectinguponthepriceheroriginalitywasgoingtocosther，burstintotears。
　　TheotherthreeofusrefusedtosacrificeourselvesuponthealtarofBrown’soriginality。Wedecidedtobecontentwiththecustomarybeautifulgirl。
　　"Goodorbad？"queriedBrown。
　　"Bad，"respondedMacShaughnassyemphatically。"Whatdoyousay，Jephson？"
　　"Well，"repliedJephson，takingthepipefrombetweenhislips，andspeakinginthatsoothinglymelancholytoneofvoicethathenevervaries，whethertellingajokeaboutaweddingorananecdoterelatingtoafuneral，"notaltogetherbad。Bad，withgoodinstincts，thegoodinstinctswellundercontrol。"
　　"Iwonderwhyitis，"murmuredMacShaughnassyreflectively，"thatbadpeoplearesomuchmoreinterestingthangood。"
　　"Idon’tthinkthereasonisverydifficulttofind，"answeredJephson。"There’smoreuncertaintyaboutthem。Theykeepyoumoreonthealert。It’slikethedifferencebetweenridingawell—
　　broken，steady—goinghackandalivelyyoungcoltwithideasofhisown。Theoneiscomfortabletotravelon，buttheotherprovidesyouwithmoreexercise。Ifyoustartoffwithathoroughlygoodwomanforyourheroineyougiveyourstoryawayinthefirstchapter。Everybodyknowspreciselyhowshewillbehaveundereveryconceivablecombinationofcircumstancesinwhichyoucanplaceher。
　　Oneveryoccasionshewilldothesamething——thatistherightthing。
　　"Withabadheroine，ontheotherhand，youcanneverbequitesurewhatisgoingtohappen。Outofthefiftyorsocoursesopentoher，shemaytaketherightone，orshemaytakeoneoftheforty—
　　ninewrongones，andyouwatchherwithcuriositytoseewhichitwillbe。"
　　"Butsurelythereareplentyofgoodheroineswhoareinteresting，"
　　Isaid。
　　"Atintervals——whentheydosomethingwrong，"answeredJephson。"A
　　consistentlyirreproachableheroineisasirritatingasSocratesmusthavebeentoXantippe，orasthemodelboyatschoolistoalltheotherlads。Takethestockheroineoftheeighteenth—centuryromance。Shenevermetherloverexceptforthepurposeoftellinghimthatshecouldnotbehis，andshegenerallyweptsteadilythroughouttheinterview。Sheneverforgottoturnpaleatthesightofblood，nortofaintinhisarmsatthemostinconvenientmomentpossible。Shewasdeterminednevertomarrywithoutherfather’sconsent，andwasequallyresolvednevertomarryanybodybuttheoneparticularpersonshewasconvincedhewouldneveragreetohermarrying。Shewasanexcellentyoungwoman，andnearlyasuninterestingasacelebrityathome。"
　　"Ah，butyou’renottalkingaboutgoodwomennow，"Iobserved。
　　"You’retalkingaboutsomesillyperson’sideaofagoodwoman。"
　　"Iquiteadmitit，"repliedJephson。"Nor，indeed，amIpreparedtosaywhatisagoodwoman。Iconsiderthesubjecttoodeepandtoocomplicatedforanymerehumanbeingtogivejudgmentupon。ButI
　　AMtalkingofthewomenwhoconformedtothepopularideaofmaidenlygoodnessintheagewhenthesebookswerewritten。Youmustremembergoodnessisnotaknownquantity。Itvarieswitheveryageandeverylocality，anditis，generallyspeaking，your’sillypersons’whoareresponsibleforitsvaryingstandards。InJapan，a’good’girlwouldbeagirlwhowouldsellherhonourinordertoaffordlittleluxuriestoheragedparents。Incertainhospitableislandsofthetorridzonethe’good’wifegoestolengthsthatweshoulddeemaltogetherunnecessaryinmakingherhusband’sguestfeelhimselfathome。InancientHebraicdays，Jaelwasaccountedagoodwomanformurderingasleepingman，andSaraistoodinnodangeroflosingtherespectofherlittleworldwhensheledHagaruntoAbraham。Ineighteenth—centuryEngland，supernaturalstupidityanddulnessofadegreethatmusthavebeendifficulttoattain，wereheldtobefemininevirtues——indeed，theyaresostill——andauthors，whoarealwaysamongthemostservilefollowersofpublicopinion，fashionedtheirpuppetsaccordingly。
　　Nowadays’slumming’isthemostapplaudedvirtue，andsoallourbestheroinesgoslumming，andare’goodtothepoor。’"
　　"Howuseful’thepoor’are，"remarkedMacShaughnassy，somewhatabruptly，placinghisfeetonthemantelpiece，andtiltinghischairbacktillitstoodatananglethatcausedustorivetourattentionuponitwithhopefulinterest。"Idon’tthinkwescribblingfellowseverfullygrasphowmuchweoweto’thepoor。’Wherewouldourangelicheroinesandournoble—heartedheroesbeifitwerenotfor’thepoor’？Wewanttoshowthatthedeargirlisasgoodassheisbeautiful。Whatdowedo？Weputabasketfullofchickensandbottlesofwineonherarm，afetchinglittlesun—bonnetonherhead，andsendherroundamongthepoor。Howdoweprovethatourapparentscampofaheroisreallyanobleyoungmanatheart？Why，byexplainingthatheisgoodtothepoor。
　　"TheyareasusefulinreallifeastheyareinBookland。Whatisitconsolesthetradesmanwhentheactor，earningeightypoundsaweek，cannotpayhisdebts？Why，readinginthetheatricalnewspapersgushingaccountsofthedearfellow’sinvariablegenerositytothepoor。Whatisitstillsthesmallbutirritatingvoiceofconsciencewhenwehavesuccessfullyaccomplishedsomeextrabigfeatofswindling？Why，thenobleresolvetogivetenpercentofthenetprofitstothepoor。
　　"Whatdoesamandowhenhefindshimselfgrowingold，andfeelsthatitistimeforhimtothinkseriouslyaboutsecuringhispositioninthenextworld？Why，hebecomessuddenlygoodtothepoor。Ifthepoorwerenotthereforhimtobegoodto，whatcouldhedo？Hewouldbeunabletoreformatall。It’sagreatcomforttothinkthatthepoorwillalwaysbewithus。Theyaretheladderbywhichweclimbintoheaven。"
　　Therewassilenceforafewmoments，whileMacShaughnassypuffedawayvigorously，andalmostsavagely，athispipe，andthenBrownsaid："Icantellyouratheraquaintincident，bearingveryaptlyonthesubject。Acousinofminewasaland—agentinasmallcountrytown，andamongthehousesonhislistwasafineoldmansionthathadremainedvacantformanyyears。Hehaddespairedofeversellingit，whenonedayanelderlylady，veryrichlydressed，droveuptotheofficeandmadeinquiriesaboutit。Shesaidshehadcomeacrossitaccidentallywhiletravellingthroughthatpartofthecountrythepreviousautumn，andhadbeenmuchstruckbyitsbeautyandpicturesqueness。Sheaddedshewaslookingoutforsomequietspotwhereshecouldsettledownandpeacefullypasstheremainderofherdays，andthoughtthisplacemightpossiblyprovetobetheverythingforher。
　　"Mycousin，delightedwiththechanceofapurchaser，atoncedroveheracrosstotheestate，whichwasabouteightmilesdistantfromthetown，andtheywentoverittogether。Mycousinwaxedeloquentuponthesubjectofitsadvantages。Hedweltuponitsquietandseclusion，itsproximity——butnottoocloseproximity——tothechurch，itsconvenientdistancefromthevillage。
　　"Everythingpointedtoasatisfactoryconclusionofthebusiness。
　　Theladywascharmedwiththesituationandthesurroundings，anddelightedwiththehouseandgrounds。Sheconsideredthepricemoderate。
　　"’Andnow，Mr。Brown，’saidshe，astheystoodbythelodgegate，’tellme，whatclassofpoorhaveyougotroundabout？’
　　"’Poor？’answeredmycousin；’therearenopoor。’
　　"’Nopoor！’exclaimedthelady。’Nopoorpeopleinthevillage，oranywherenear？’
　　"’Youwon’tfindapoorpersonwithinfivemilesoftheestate，’herepliedproudly。’Yousee，mydearmadam，thisisathinlypopulatedandexceedinglyprosperouscounty：thisparticulardistrictespeciallyso。Thereisnotafamilyinitthatisnot，comparativelyspeaking，well—to—do。’
　　"’I’msorrytohearthat，’saidthelady，inatoneofdisappointment。’Theplacewouldhavesuitedmesoadmirablybutforthat。’
　　"’Butsurely，madam，’criedmycousin，towhomademandforpoorpersonswasanentirelynewidea，’youdon’tmeantosaythatyouWANTpoorpeople！Why，we’vealwaysconsidereditoneofthechiefattractionsoftheproperty——nothingtoshocktheeyeorwoundthesusceptibilitiesofthemosttender—heartedoccupant。’
　　"’MydearMr。Brown，’repliedthelady，’Iwillbeperfectlyfrankwithyou。Iambecominganoldwoman，andmypastlifehasnot，perhaps，beenaltogethertoowellspent。Itismydesiretoatoneforthe——er——folliesofmyyouthbyanoldageofwell—doing，andtothatenditisessentialthatIshouldbesurroundedbyacertainnumberofdeservingpoor。Ihadhopedtofindinthischarmingneighbourhoodofyoursthecustomaryproportionofpovertyandmisery，inwhichcaseIshouldhavetakenthehousewithouthesitation。Asitis，Imustseekelsewhere。’
　　"Mycousinwasperplexed，andsad。’Thereareplentyofpoorpeopleinthetown，’hesaid，’manyofthemmostinterestingcases，andyoucouldhavetheentirecareofthemall。There’dbenooppositionwhatever，I’mpositive。’
　　"’Thankyou，’repliedthelady，’butIreallycouldn’tgoasfarasthetown。Theymustbewithineasydrivingdistanceortheyarenogood。’
　　"Mycousincudgelledhisbrainsagain。Hedidnotintendtoletapurchaserslipthroughhisfingersifhecouldhelpit。Atlastabrightthoughtflashedintohismind。’I’lltellyouwhatwecoulddo，’hesaid。’There’sapieceofwastelandtheotherendofthevillagethatwe’veneverbeenabletodomuchwith，inconsequenceofitsbeingsoswampy。Ifyouliked，wecouldrunyouupadozencottagesonthat，cheap——itwouldbeallthebettertheirbeingabitramshackleandunhealthy——andgetsomepoorpeopleforyou，andputintothem。’
　　"Theladyreflectedupontheidea，anditstruckherasagoodone。
　　"’Yousee，’continuedmycousin，pushinghisadvantage，’byadoptingthismethodyouwouldbeabletoselectyourownpoor。Wewouldgetyousomenice，clean，gratefulpoor，andmakethethingpleasantforyou。’
　　"Itendedinthelady’sacceptingmycousin’soffer，andgivinghimalistofthepoorpeopleshewouldliketohave。Sheselectedonebedriddenoldwoman（ChurchofEnglandpreferred）；oneparalyticoldman；oneblindgirlwhowouldwanttobereadaloudto；onepooratheist，willingtobeconverted；twocripples；onedrunkenfatherwhowouldconsenttobetalkedtoseriously；onedisagreeableoldfellow，needingmuchpatience；twolargefamilies，andfourordinaryassortedcouples。
　　"Mycousinexperiencedsomedifficultyinsecuringthedrunkenfather。Mostofthedrunkenfathersheintervieweduponthesubjecthadarootedobjectiontobeingtalkedtoatall。Afteralongsearch，however，hediscoveredamildlittleman，who，uponthelady’srequirementsandcharitableintentionsbeingexplainedtohim，undertooktoqualifyhimselfforthevacancybygettingintoxicatedatleastonceaweek。Hesaidhecouldnotpromisemorethanonceaweekatfirst，heunfortunatelypossessingastrongnaturaldistasteforallalcoholicliquors，whichitwouldbenecessaryforhimtoovercome。Ashegotmoreusedtothem，hewoulddobetter。
　　"Overthedisagreeableoldman，mycousinalsohadtrouble。Itwashardtohittherightdegreeofdisagreeableness。Someofthemweresoveryunpleasant。Heeventuallymadechoiceofadecayedcab—
　　driverwithadvancedRadicalopinions，whoinsistedonathreeyears’contract。
　　"Theplanworkedexceedinglywell，anddoesso，mycousintellsme，tothisday。Thedrunkenfatherhascompletelyconqueredhisdisliketostrongdrink。Hehasnotbeensobernowforoverthreeweeks，andhaslatelytakentoknockinghiswifeabout。Thedisagreeablefellowismostconscientiousinfulfillinghispartofthebargain，andmakeshimselfaperfectcursetothewholevillage。
　　Theothershavedroppedintotheirrespectivepositionsandareworkingwell。Theladyvisitsthemalleveryafternoon，andismostcharitable。TheycallherLadyBountiful，andeverybodyblessesher。"
　　Brownroseashefinishedspeaking，andmixedhimselfaglassofwhiskyandwaterwiththeself—satisfiedairofabenevolentmanabouttorewardsomebodyforhavingdoneagooddeed；andMacShaughnassylifteduphisvoiceandtalked。
　　"Iknowastorybearingonthesubject，too，"hesaid。"IthappenedinatinyYorkshirevillage——apeaceful，respectablespot，wherefolksfoundlifeabitslow。Oneday，however，anewcuratearrived，andthatwokethingsupconsiderably。Hewasaniceyoungman，and，havingalargeprivateincomeofhisown，wasaltogetheramostdesirablecatch。Everyunmarriedfemaleintheplacewentforhimwithoneaccord。
　　"Butordinaryfeminineblandishmentsappearedtohavenoeffectuponhim。Hewasaseriouslyinclinedyoungman，andonce，inthecourseofacasualconversationuponthesubjectoflove，hewasheardtosaythathehimselfshouldneverbeattractedbymerebeautyandcharm。Whatwouldappealtohim，hesaid，wouldbeawoman’sgoodness——hercharityandkindlinesstothepoor。
　　"Well，thatsetthepetticoatsallthinking。Theysawthatinstudyingfashionplatesandpractisingexpressionstheyhadbeengoinguponthewrongtack。Thecardforthemtoplaywas’thepoor。’Buthereaseriousdifficultyarose。Therewasonlyonepoorpersoninthewholeparish，acantankerousoldfellowwholivedinatumble—downcottageatthebackofthechurch，andfifteenable—bodiedwomen（elevengirls，threeoldmaids，andawidow）
　　wantedtobe’good’tohim。
　　"MissSimmonds，oneoftheoldmaids，gotholdofhimfirst，andcommencedfeedinghimtwiceadaywithbeef—tea；andthenthewidowboardedhimwithportwineandoysters。Laterintheweekothersofthepartydriftedinuponhim，andwantedtocramhimwithjellyandchickens。
　　Theoldmancouldn’tunderstandit。Hewasaccustomedtoasmallsackofcoalsnowandthen，accompaniedbyalonglectureonhissins，andanoccasionalbottleofdandeliontea。ThissuddenspurtonthepartofProvidencepuzzledhim。Hesaidnothing，however，butcontinuedtotakeinasmuchofeverythingashecouldhold。Attheendofamonthhewastoofattogetthroughhisownbackdoor。
　　"Thecompetitionamongthewomen—folkgrewkeenereveryday，andatlasttheoldmanbegantogivehimselfairs，andtomaketheplacehardforthem。Hemadethemcleanhiscottageout，andcookhismeals，andwhenhewastiredofhavingthemaboutthehouse，hesetthemtoworkinthegarden。
　　"Theygrumbledagooddeal，andtherewasatalkatonetimeofasortofastrike，butwhatcouldtheydo？Hewastheonlypauperformilesround，andknewit。Hehadthemonopoly，and，likeallmonopolises，heabusedhisposition。
　　"Hemadethemrunerrands。Hesentthemouttobuyhis’baccy，’attheirownexpense。OnoneoccasionhesentMissSimmondsoutwithajugtogethissupperbeer。Sheindignantlyrefusedatfirst，buthetoldherthatifshegavehimanyofherstuck—upairsoutshewouldgo，andnevercomeintohishouseagain。Ifshewouldn’tdoittherewereplentyofotherswhowould。Sheknewitandwent。
　　"Theyhadbeeninthehabitofreadingtohim——goodbookswithanelevatingtendency。Butnowheputhisfootdownuponthatsortofthing。Hesaidhedidn’twantSunday—schoolrubbishathistimeoflife。Whathelikedwassomethingspicy。AndhemadethemreadhimFrenchnovelsandsea—faringtales，containingrealisticlanguage。
　　Andtheydidn’thavetoskipanythingeither，orhe’dknowthereasonwhy。
　　"Hesaidhelikedmusic，soafewofthemclubbedtogetherandboughthimaharmonium。Theirideawasthattheywouldsinghymnsandplayhigh—classmelodies，butitwasn’this。Hisideawas——
　　’Keepinguptheoldgirl’sbirthday’and’Shewinkedtheothereye，’
　　withchorusandskirtdance，andthat’swhattheysang。
　　"Towhatlengthshistyrannywouldhavegoneitisdifficulttosay，hadnotaneventhappenedthatbroughthispowertoaprematurecollapse。Thiswasthecurate’ssuddenandsomewhatunexpectedmarriagewithaverybeautifulburlesqueactresswhohadlatelybeenperforminginaneighbouringtown。HegaveuptheChurchonhisengagement，inconsequenceofhisfiancee’sobjectiontobecomingaminister’swife。Shesaidshecouldnever’tumbleto’thedistrictvisiting。
　　"Withthecurate’sweddingtheoldpauper’sbriefcareerofprosperityended。Theypackedhimofftotheworkhouseafterthat，andmadehimbreakstones。"
　　Attheendofthetellingofhistale，MacShaughnassyliftedhisfeetoffthemantelpiece，andsettoworktowakeuphislegs；andJephsontookahand，andbegantospinusstories。
　　ButnoneofusfeltinclinedtolaughatJephson’sstories，fortheydealtnotwiththegoodnessoftherichtothepoor，whichisavirtueyieldingquickandhighlysatisfactoryreturns，butwiththegoodnessofthepoortothepoor，asomewhatlessremunerativeinvestmentandadifferentmatteraltogether。
　　Forthepoorthemselves——Idonotmeanthenoisyprofessionalpoor，butthesilent，fightingpoor——oneisboundtofeelagenuinerespect。Onehonoursthem，asonehonoursawoundedsoldier。
　　IntheperpetualwarfarebetweenHumanityandNature，thepoorstandalwaysinthevan。Theydieintheditches，andwemarchovertheirbodieswiththeflagsflyingandthedrumsplaying。
　　Onecannotthinkofthemwithoutanuncomfortablefeelingthatoneoughttobealittlebitashamedoflivinginsecurityandease，leavingthemtotakeallthehardblows。Itisasifonewerealwaysskulkinginthetents，whileone’scomradeswerefightinganddyinginthefront。
　　Theybleedandfallinsilencethere。Naturewithherterribleclub，"SurvivaloftheFittest"；andCivilisationwithhercruelsword，"SupplyandDemand，"beatthemback，andtheygivewayinchbyinch，fightingtotheend。Butitisinadumb，sullenway，thatisnotsufficientlypicturesquetobeheroic。
　　Irememberseeinganoldbull—dog，oneSaturdaynight，lyingonthedoorstepofasmallshopintheNewCut。Helaythereveryquiet，andseemedabitsleepy；and，ashelookedsavage，nobodydisturbedhim。Peoplesteppedinandoutoverhim，andoccasionallyindoingso，onewouldaccidentallykickhim，andthenhewouldbreathealittleharderandquicker。
　　Atlastapasser—by，feelingsomethingwetbeneathhisfeet，lookeddown，andfoundthathewasstandinginapoolofblood，and，lookingtoseewhereitcamefrom，foundthatitflowedinathick，darkstreamfromthesteponwhichthedogwaslying。
　　Thenhestoopeddownandexaminedthedog，andthedogopeneditseyessleepilyandlookedathim，gaveagrinwhichmayhaveimpliedpleasure，ormayhaveimpliedirritationatbeingdisturbed，anddied。
　　Acrowdcollected，andtheyturnedthedeadbodyofthedogoveronitsside，andsawafearfulgashinthegroin，outofwhichoozedblood，andotherthings。Theproprietoroftheshopsaidtheanimalhadbeenthereforoveranhour。
　　Ihaveknownthepoortodieinthatsamegrim，silentway——notthepoorthatyou，mydelicately—glovedLadyBountifulandmyveryexcellentSirSimonDoGood，know，orthatyouwouldcaretoknow；
　　notthepoorwhomarchinprocessionswithbannersandcollection—
　　boxes；notthepoorthatclamourroundyoursoupkitchensandsinghymnsatyourteameetings；butthepoorthatyoudon’tknowarepooruntilthetaleistoldatthecoroner’sinquest——thesilent，proudpoorwhowakeeachmorningtowrestlewithDeathtillnight—
　　time，andwho，whenatlastheovercomesthem，and，forcingthemdownontherottingfloorofthedimattic，stranglesthem，stilldiewiththeirteethtightshut。
　　TherewasaboyIcametoknowwhenIwaslivingintheEastEndofLondon。Hewasnotaniceboybyanymeans。Hewasnotquitesocleanasarethegoodboysinthereligiousmagazines，andIhaveknownasailortostophiminthestreetandreprovehimforusingindelicatelanguage。