Yes;mydeargirl，theseprudentyoungmenwantallthefirenecessarytofermenttheirfaculties，andarecharacterizedaswise，onlybecausetheyarenotfoolish。Itistrue，thatGeorgewasbynomeanssogreatafavouriteofmineasduringthefirstyearofouracquaintance;still，asheoftencoincidedinopinionwithme，andechoedmysentiments;andhavingmyselfnootherattachment，Iheardwithpleasuremyuncle’sproposal;butthoughtmoreofobtainingmyfreedom，thanofmylover。But，whenGeorge，seeminglyanxiousformyhappiness，pressedmetoquitmypresentpainfulsituation，myheartswelledwithgratitude——Iknewnotthatmyunclehadpromisedhimfivethousandpounds。
　　Hadthistrulygenerousmanmentionedhisintentiontome，Ishouldhaveinsistedonathousandpoundsbeingsettledoneachofmysisters;Georgewouldhavecontested;Ishouldhaveseenhisselfishsoul;and——graciousGod！havebeensparedthemiseryofdiscovering，whentoolate，thatIwasunitedtoaheartless，unprincipledwretch。Allmyschemesofusefulnesswouldnotthenhavebeenblasted。Thetendernessofmyheartwouldnothaveheatedmyimaginationwithvisionsoftheineffabledelightofhappylove;
　　norwouldthesweetdutyofamotherhavebeensocruellyinterrupted。
　　ButImustnotsufferthefortitudeIhavesohardlyacquired，tobeunderminedbyunavailingregret。LetmehastenforwardtodescribetheturbidstreaminwhichIhadtowade——butletmeexultinglydeclarethatitispassed——mysoulholdsfellowshipwithhimnomore。HecuttheGordianknot，whichmyprinciples，mistakenones，respected;hedissolvedthetie，thefettersrather，thatateintomyveryvitals——andIshouldrejoice，consciousthatmymindisfreed，thoughconfinedinhellitself，theonlyplacethatevenfancycanimaginemoredreadfulthanmypresentabode。
　　Thesevaryingemotionswillnotallowmetoproceed。Iheavesighaftersigh;yetmyheartisstilloppressed。ForwhatamI
　　reserved？WhywasInotbornaman，orwhywasIbornatall？
　　CHAPTER9
　　"IRESUMEmypentoflyfromthought。Iwasmarried;andwehastenedtoLondon。Ihadpurposedtakingoneofmysisterswithme;forastrongmotiveformarrying，wasthedesireofhavingahomeatwhichIcouldreceivethem，nowtheirowngrewsouncomfortable，asnottodeservethecheeringappellation。Anobjectionwasmadetoheraccompanyingme，thatappearedplausible;andIreluctantlyacquiesced。IwashoweverwillinglyallowedtotakewithmeMolly，poorPeggy’sdaughter。Londonandpreferment，areideascommonlyassociatedinthecountry;and，asbloomingasMay，shebadeadieutoPeggywithweepingeyes。Ididnotevenfeelhurtattherefusalinrelationtomysister，tillhearingwhatmyunclehaddoneforme，Ihadthesimplicitytorequest，speakingwithwarmthoftheirsituation，thathewouldgivethemathousandpoundsa—piece，whichseemedtomebutjustice。Heaskedme，givingmeakiss，’IfI
　　hadlostmysenses？’Istartedback，asifIhadfoundawaspinarose—bush。Iexpostulated。Hesneered：andthedemonofdiscordenteredourparadise，topoisonwithhispestiferousbreatheveryopeningjoy。
　　"Ihadsometimesobserveddefectsinmyhusband’sunderstanding;
　　but，ledastraybyaprevailingopinion，thatgoodnessofdispositionisofthefirstimportanceintherelativesituationsoflife，inproportionasIperceivedthenarrownessofhisunderstanding，fancyenlargedtheboundaryofhisheart。Fatalerror！Howquicklyisthesomuchvauntedmilkinessofnatureturnedintogall，byanintercoursewiththeworld，ifmoregenerousjuicesdonotsustainthevitalsourceofvirtue！
　　"Onetraitinmycharacterwasextremecredulity;but，whenmyeyeswereonceopened，IsawbuttooclearlyallIhadbeforeoverlooked。Myhusbandwassunkinmyesteem;stillthereareyouthfulemotions，which，forawhile，fillupthechasmofloveandfriendship。Besides，itrequiredsometimetoenablemetoseehiswholecharacterinajustlight，orrathertoallowittobecomefixed。Whilecircumstanceswereripeningmyfaculties，andcultivatingmytaste，commerceandgrossrelaxationswereshuttinghisagainstanypossibilityofimprovement，till，bystiflingeverysparkofvirtueinhimself，hebegantoimaginethatitnowhereexisted。
　　"Donotletmeleadyouastray，mychild，Idonotmeantoassert，thatanyhumanbeingisentirelyincapableoffeelingthegenerousemotions，whicharethefoundationofeverytrueprincipleofvirtue;buttheyarefrequently，Ifear，sofeeble，that，liketheinflammablequalitywhichmoreorlesslurksinallbodies，theyoftenlieforeverdormant;thecircumstancesneveroccurring，necessarytocallthemintoaction。
　　"Idiscoveredhoweverbychance，that，inconsequenceofsomelossesintrade，thenaturaleffectofhisgamblingdesiretostartsuddenlyintoriches，thefivethousandpoundsgivenmebymyuncle，hadbeenpaidveryopportunely。Thisdiscovery，strangeasyoumaythinktheassertion，gavemepleasure;myhusband’sembarrassmentsendearedhimtome。Iwasgladtofindanexcuseforhisconducttomysisters，andmymindbecamecalmer。
　　"Myuncleintroducedmetosomeliterarysociety;andthetheatreswereanever—failingsourceofamusementtome。MydelightedeyefollowedMrs。Siddons，when，withdignifieddelicacy，sheplayedCalifta;andIinvoluntarilyrepeatedafterher，inthesametone，andwithalong—drawnsigh，’Heartslikeour’swerepair’d——notmatch’d。’
　　"Thesewere，atfirst，spontaneousemotions，though，becomingacquaintedwithmenofwitandpolishedmanners，Icouldnotsometimeshelpregrettingmyearlymarriage;andthat，inmyhastetoescapefromatemporarydependence，andexpandmynewlyfledgedwings，inanunknownsky，Ihadbeencaughtinatrap，andcagedforlife。StillthenoveltyofLondon，andtheattentivefondnessofmyhusband，forhehadsomepersonalregardforme，madeseveralmonthsglideaway。Yet，notforgettingthesituationofmysisters，whowerestillveryyoung，Iprevailedonmyuncletosettleathousandpoundsoneach;andtoplacetheminaschoolneartown，whereIcouldfrequentlyvisit，aswellashavethemathomewithme。
　　"Inowtriedtoimprovemyhusband’staste，butwehadfewsubjectsincommon;indeedhesoonappearedtohavelittlerelishformysociety，unlesshewashintingtometheusehecouldmakeofmyuncle’swealth。Whenwehadcompany，Iwasdisgustedbyanostentatiousdisplayofriches，andIhaveoftenquittedtheroom，toavoidlisteningtoexaggeratedtalesofmoneyobtainedbyluckyhits。
　　"Withallmyattentionandaffectionateinterest，IperceivedthatIcouldnotbecomethefriendorconfidentofmyhusband。
　　EverythingIlearnedrelativetohisaffairsIgatheredupbyaccident;andIvainlyendeavouredtoestablish，atourfire—side，thatsocialconverse，whichoftenrenderspeopleofdifferentcharactersdeartoeachother。Returningfromthetheatre，oranyamusingparty，IfrequentlybegantorelatewhatIhadseenandhighlyrelished;butwithsullentaciturnityhesoonsilencedme。
　　Iseemedthereforegraduallytolose，inhissociety，thesoul，theenergiesofwhichhadjustbeeninaction。Tosuchadegree，infact，didhiscold，reservedmanneraffectme，that，afterspendingsomedayswithhimalone，Ihaveimaginedmyselfthemoststupidcreatureintheworld，tilltheabilitiesofsomecasualvisitorconvincedmethatIhadsomedormantanimation，andsentimentsabovethedustinwhichIhadbeengroveling。Theverycountenanceofmyhusbandchanged;hiscomplexionbecamesallow，andallthecharmsofyouthwerevanishingwithitsvivacity。
　　"Igiveyouoneviewofthesubject;buttheseexperimentsandalterationstookupthespaceoffiveyears;duringwhichperiod，Ihadmostreluctantlyextortedseveralsumsfrommyuncle，tosavemyhusband，tousehisownwords，fromdestruction。
　　Atfirstitwastopreventbillsbeingnoted，totheinjuryofhiscredit;thentobailhim;andafterwardstopreventanexecutionfromenteringthehouse。Ibeganatlasttoconclude，thathewouldhavemademoreexertionsofhisowntoextricatehimself，hadhenotreliedonmine，cruelaswasthetaskheimposedonme;
　　andIfirmlydeterminedthatIwouldmakeuseofnomorepretexts。
　　"FromthemomentIpronouncedthisdetermination，indifferenceonhispartwaschangedintorudeness，orsomethingworse。
　　"Henowseldomdinedathome，andcontinuallyreturnedatalatehour，drunk，tobed。Iretiredtoanotherapartment;Iwasglad，Iown，toescapefromhis;forpersonalintimacywithoutaffection，seemed，tomethemostdegrading，aswellasthemostpainfulstateinwhichawomanofanytaste，nottospeakofthepeculiardelicacyoffosteredsensibility，couldbeplaced。Butmyhusband’sfondnessforwomenwasofthegrossestkind，andimaginationwassowhollyoutofthequestion，astorenderhisindulgencesofthissortentirelypromiscuous，andofthemostbrutalnature。Myhealthsuffered，beforemyheartwasentirelyestrangedbytheloathsomeinformation;couldIthenhavereturnedtohissulliedarms，butasavictimtotheprejudicesofmankind，whohavemadewomenthepropertyoftheirhusbands？Idiscoveredeven，byhisconversation，whenintoxicatedthathisfavouriteswerewantonsofthelowestclass，whocouldbytheirvulgar，indecentmirth，whichhecallednature，rousehissluggishspirits。
　　Meretriciousornamentsandmannerswerenecessarytoattracthisattention。Heseldomlookedtwiceatamodestwoman，andsatsilentintheircompany;andthecharmsofyouthandbeautyhadnottheslightesteffectonhissenses，unlessthepossessorswereinitiatedinvice。Hisintimacywithprofligatewomen，andhishabitsofthinking，gavehimacontemptforfemaleendowments;andhewouldrepeat，whenwinehadloosedhistongue，mostofthecommon—placesarcasmslevelledatthem，bymenwhodonotallowthemtohaveminds，becausemindwouldbeanimpedimenttogrossenjoyment。
　　Menwhoareinferiortotheirfellowmen，arealwaysmostanxioustoestablishtheirsuperiorityoverwomen。Butwherearethesereflectionsleadingme？
　　"Womenwhohavelosttheirhusband’saffection，arejustlyreprovedforneglectingtheirpersons，andnottakingthesamepainstokeep，astogainaheart;butwhothinksofgivingthesameadvicetomen，thoughwomenarecontinuallystigmatizedforbeingattachedtofops;andfromthenatureoftheireducation，aremoresusceptibleofdisgust？Yetwhyawomanshouldbeexpectedtoendureasloven，withmorepatiencethanaman，andmagnanimouslytogovernherself，Icannotconceive;unlessitbesupposedarrogantinhertolookforrespectaswellasamaintenance。Itisnoteasytobepleased，because，afterpromisingtolove，indifferentcircumstances，wearetoldthatitisourduty。Icannot，Iamsure（though，whenattendingthesick，Ineverfeltdisgust）forgetmyownsensations，whenrisingwithhealthandspirit，andafterscentingthesweetmorning，Ihavemetmyhusbandatthebreakfasttable。TheactiveattentionIhadbeengivingtodomesticregulations，whichweregenerallysettledbeforeherose，orawalk，gaveaglowtomycountenance，thatcontrastedwithhissquallidappearance。Thesqueamishnessofstomachalone，producedbythelastnight’sintemperance，whichhetooknopainstoconceal，destroyedmyappetite。IthinkInowseehimlollinginanarm—chair，inadirtypowderinggown，soiledlinen，ungarteredstockings，andtangledhair，yawningandstretchinghimself。Thenewspaperwasimmediatelycalledfor，ifnotbroughtinonthetea—board，fromwhichhewouldscarcelylifthiseyeswhileIpouredoutthetea，exceptingtoaskforsomebrandytoputintoit，ortodeclarethathecouldnoteat。Inanswertoanyquestion，inhisbesthumour，itwasadrawling’Whatdoyousay，child？’ButifIdemandedmoneyforthehouseexpences，whichIputofftillthelastmoment，hiscustomaryreply，oftenprefacedwithanoath，was，’Doyouthinkme，madam，madeofmoney？’——Thebutcher，thebaker，mustwait;and，whatwasworse，Iwasoftenobligedtowitnesshissurlydismissionoftradesmen，whowereinwantoftheirmoney，andwhomIsometimespaidwiththepresentsmyunclegavemeformyownuse。
　　Atthisjuncturemyfather’smistress，byterrifyinghisconscience，prevailedonhimtomarryher;hewasalreadybecomeamethodist;andmybrother，whonowpractisedforhimself，haddiscoveredaflawinthesettlementmadeonmymother’schildren，whichsetitaside，andheallowedmyfather，whosedistressmadehimsubmittoanything，atitheofhisown，orratherourfortune。
　　Mysistershadleftschool，butwereunabletoendurehome，whichmyfather’swiferenderedasdisagreeableaspossible，togetridofgirlswhomsheregardedasspiesonherconduct。Theywereaccomplished，yetyoucan（mayyouneverbereducedtothesamedestitutestate！）scarcelyconceivethetroubleIhadtoplacetheminthesituationofgovernesses，theonlyoneinwhichevenawell—educatedwoman，withmorethanordinarytalents，canstruggleforasubsistence;andeventhisisadependencenexttomenial。
　　Isitthensurprising，thatsomanyforlornwomen，withhumanpassionsandfeelings，takerefugeininfamy？Aloneinlargemansions，Isayalone，becausetheyhadnocompanionswithwhomtheycouldconverseonequalterms，orfromwhomtheycouldexpecttheendearmentsofaffection，theygrewmelancholy，andthesoundofjoymadethemsad;andtheyoungest，havingamoredelicateframe，fellintoadecline。ItwaswithgreatdifficultythatI，whonowalmostsupportedthehousebyloansfrommyuncle，couldprevailonthe_master_ofit，toallowheraroomtodiein。
　　Iwatchedhersickbedforsomemonths，andthenclosedhereyes，gentlespirit！forever。Shewaspretty，withveryengagingmanners;
　　yethadneveranopportunitytomarry，exceptingtoaveryoldman。
　　Shehadabilitiessufficienttohaveshoneinanyprofession，hadtherebeenanyprofessionsforwomen，thoughsheshrunkatthenameofmillinerormantua—makerasdegradingtoagentlewoman。Iwouldnottermthisfeelingfalsepridetoanyonebutyou，mychild，whomIfondlyhopetosee（yes;Iwillindulgethehopeforamoment！）possessedofthatenergyofcharacterwhichgivesdignitytoanystation;andwiththatclear，firmspiritthatwillenableyoutochooseasituationforyourself，orsubmittobeclassedinthelowest，ifitbetheonlyoneinwhichyoucanbethemistressofyourownactions。
　　"Soonafterthedeathofmysister，anincidentoccurred，toprovetomethattheheartofalibertineisdeadtonaturalaffection;andtoconvinceme，thatthebeingwhohasappearedalltenderness，togratifyaselfishpassion，isasregardlessoftheinnocentfruitofit，asoftheobject，whenthefitisover。
　　Ihadcasuallyobservedanold，meanlookingwoman，whocalledonmyhusbandeverytwoorthreemonthstoreceivesomemoney。Onedayenteringthepassageofhislittlecounting—house，asshewasgoingout，Iheardhersay，’Thechildisveryweak;shecannotlivelong，shewillsoondieoutofyourway，soyouneednotgrudgeheralittlephysic。’
　　"’Somuchthebetter，’hereplied，’andpraymindyourownbusiness，goodwoman。’
　　"Iwasstruckbyhisunfeeling，inhumantoneofvoice，anddrewback，determinedwhenthewomancameagain，totrytospeaktoher，notoutofcuriosity，Ihadheardenough，butwiththehopeofbeingusefultoapoor，outcastgirl。
　　"AmonthortwoelapsedbeforeIsawthiswomanagain;andthenshehadachildinherhandthattotteredalong，scarcelyabletosustainherownweight。Theyweregoingaway，toreturnatthehourMr。Venableswasexpected;hewasnowfromhome。Idesiredthewomantowalkintotheparlour。Shehesitated，yetobeyed。
　　IassuredherthatIshouldnotmentiontomyhusband（thewordseemedtoweighonmyrespiration），thatIhadseenher，orhischild。Thewomanstaredatmewithastonishment;andIturnedmyeyesonthesqualidobject[thataccompaniedher。]Shecouldhardlysupportherself，hercomplexionwassallow，andhereyesinflamed，withanindescribablelookofcunning，mixedwiththewrinklesproducedbythepeevishnessofpain。
　　"Poorchild！’Iexclaimed。’Ah！youmaywellsaypoorchild，’
　　repliedthewoman。’Ibroughtherheretoseewhetherhewouldhavethehearttolookather，andnotgetsomeadvice。Idonotknowwhattheydeservewhonursedher。Why，herlegsbentunderherlikeabowwhenshecametome，andshehasneverbeenwellsince;but，iftheywerenobetterpaidthanIam，itisnottobewonderedat，sureenough。’
　　"OnfurtherenquiryIwasinformed，thatthismiserablespectaclewasthedaughterofaservant，acountrygirl，whocaughtMr。Venables’eye，andwhomheseduced。Onhismarriagehesentheraway，hersituationbeingtoovisible。Afterherdelivery，shewasthrownonthetown;anddiedinanhospitalwithintheyear。
　　Thebabewassenttoaparish—nurse，andafterwardstothiswoman，whodidnotseemmuchbetter;butwhatwastobeexpectedfromsuchaclosebargain？Shewasonlypaidthreeshillingsaweekforboardandwashing。
　　"Thewomanbeggedmetogivehersomeoldclothesforthechild，assuringme，thatshewasalmostafraidtoaskmasterformoneytobuyevenapairofshoes。
　　"Igrewsickatheart。And，fearingMr。Venablesmightenter，andobligemetoexpressmyabhorrence，Ihastilyenquiredwhereshelived，promisedtopayhertwoshillingsaweekmore，andtocallonherinadayortwo;puttingatrifleintoherhandasaproofofmygoodintention。
　　"Ifthestateofthischildaffectedme，whatweremyfeelingsatadiscoveryImaderespectingPeggy——？*
　　*Themanuscriptisimperfecthere。Anepisodeseemstohavebeenintended，whichwasnevercommittedtopaper。
　　EDITOR。[Godwin’snote]
　　CHAPTER1O
　　"MYFATHER’Ssituationwasnowsodistressing，thatIprevailedonmyuncletoaccompanymetovisithim;andtolendmehisassistance，topreventthewholepropertyofthefamilyfrombecomingthepreyofmybrother’srapacity;for，toextricatehimselfoutofpresentdifficulties，myfatherwastotallyregardlessoffuturity。Itookdownwithmesomepresentsformystep—mother;itdidnotrequireaneffortformetotreatherwithcivility，ortoforgetthepast。
　　"ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadvisitedmynativevillage，sincemymarriage。ButwithwhatdifferentemotionsdidIreturnfromthebusyworld，withaheavyweightofexperiencebenumbingmyimagination，toscenes，thatwhisperedrecollectionsofjoyandhopemosteloquentlytomyheart！Thefirstscentofthewildflowersfromtheheath，thrilledthroughmyveins，awakeningeverysensetopleasure。Theicyhandofdespairseemedtoberemovedfrommybosom;and——forgettingmyhusband——thenurturedvisionsofaromanticmind，burstingonmewithalltheiroriginalwildnessandgayexuberance，wereagainhailedassweetrealities。Iforgot，withequalfacility，thatIeverfeltsorrow，orknewcareinthecountry;whileatransientrainbowstoleathwartthecloudyskyofdespondency。Thepicturesqueformofseveralfavouritetrees，andtheporchesofrudecottages，withtheirsmilinghedges，wererecognizedwiththegladsomeplayfulnessofchildishvivacity。
　　Icouldhavekissedthechickensthatpeckedonthecommon;
　　andlongedtopatthecows，andfrolicwiththedogsthatsportedonit。Igazedwithdelightonthewindmill，andthoughtitluckythatitshouldbeinmotion，atthemomentIpassedby;andenteringthedeargreenlane，whichleddirectlytothevillage，thesoundofthewell—knownrookerygavethatsentimentaltingetothevaryingsensationsofmyactivesoul，whichonlyservedtoheightenthelustreoftheluxuriantscenery。But，spying，asIadvanced，thespire，peepingoverthewitheredtopsoftheagedelmsthatcomposedtherookery，mythoughtsflewimmediatelytothechurchyard，andtearsofaffection，suchwastheeffectofmyimagination，bedewedmymother’sgrave！Sorrowgaveplacetodevotionalfeelings。
　　Iwanderedthroughthechurchinfancy，asIusedsometimestodoonaSaturdayevening。IrecollectedwithwhatfervourIaddressedtheGodofmyyouth：andoncemorewithrapturouslovelookedabovemysorrowstotheFatherofnature。Ipause——feelingforciblyalltheemotionsIamdescribing;and（reminded，asIregistermysorrows，ofthesublimecalmIhavefelt，wheninsometremendoussolitude，mysoulrestedonitself，andseemedtofilltheuniverse）
　　Iinsensiblybreathesoft，hushingeverywaywardemotion，asiffearingtosullywithasigh，acontentmentsoextatic。
　　"Havingsettledmyfather’saffairs，and，bymyexertionsinhisfavour，mademybrothermyswornfoe，IreturnedtoLondon。
　　Myhusband’sconductwasnowchanged;Ihadduringmyabsence，receivedseveralaffectionate，penitentiallettersfromhim;andheseemedonmyarrival，towishbyhisbehaviourtoprovehissincerity。Icouldnotthenconceivewhyheactedthus;and，whenthesuspiciondartedintomyhead，thatitmightarisefromobservingmyincreasinginfluencewithmyuncle，Ialmostdespisedmyselfforimaginingthatsuchadegreeofdebasingselfishnesscouldexist。
　　"Hebecame，unaccountableaswasthechange，tenderandattentive;and，attackingmyweakside，madeaconfessionofhisfollies，andlamentedtheembarrassmentsinwhichI，whomeritedafardifferentfate，mightbeinvolved。Hebesoughtmetoaidhimwithmycounsel，praisedmyunderstanding，andappealedtothetendernessofmyheart。
　　"Thisconductonlyinspiredmewithcompassion。Iwishedtobehisfriend;butlovehadspreadhisrosypinionsandfledfar，faraway;andhadnot（likesomeexquisiteperfumes，thefinespiritofwhichiscontinuallyminglingwiththeair）leftafragrancebehind，tomarkwherehehadshookhiswings。Myhusband’srenewedcaressesthenbecamehatefultome;hisbrutalitywastolerable，comparedtohisdistastefulfondness。Still，compassion，andthefearofinsultinghissupposedfeelings，byawantofsympathy，mademedissemble，anddoviolencetomydelicacy。Whatatask！
　　"ThosewhosupportasystemofwhatItermfalserefinement，andwillnotallowgreatpartofloveinthefemale，aswellasmalebreast，tospringinsomerespectsinvoluntarily，maynotadmitthatcharmsareasnecessarytofeedthepassion，asvirtuestoconvertthemellowingspiritintofriendship。TosuchobserversIhavenothingtosay，anymorethantothemoralists，whoinsistthatwomenoughtto，andcanlovetheirhusbands，becauseitistheirduty。Toyou，mychild，Imayadd，withahearttremblinglyalivetoyourfutureconduct，someobservations，dictatedbymypresentfeelings，oncalmlyreviewingthisperiodofmylife。Whennovelistsormoralistspraiseasavirtue，awoman’scoldnessofconstitution，andwantofpassion;andmakeheryieldtotheardourofherloveroutofsheercompassion，ortopromoteafrigidplanoffuturecomfort，Iamdisgusted。Theymaybegoodwomen，intheordinaryacceptationofthephrase，anddonoharm;buttheyappeartomenottohavethose’finelyfashionednerves，’whichrenderthesensesexquisite。Theymaypossesstenderness;buttheywantthatfireoftheimagination，whichproduces_active_sensibility，and_positive__virtue_。Howdoesthewomandeservetobecharacterized，whomarriesoneman，withaheartandimaginationdevotedtoanother？Isshenotanobjectofpityorcontempt，whenthussacrilegiouslyviolatingthepurityofherownfeelings？Nay，itisasindelicate，whensheisindifferent，unlessshebeconstitutionallyinsensible;thenindeeditisamereaffairofbarter;andIhavenothingtodowiththesecretsoftrade。Yes;
　　eagerlyasIwishyoutopossesstruerectitudeofmind，andpurityofaffection，Imustinsistthataheartlessconductisthecontraryofvirtuous。Truthistheonlybasisofvirtue;andwecannot，withoutdepravingourminds，endeavourtopleasealoverorhusband，butinproportionashepleasesus。Men，moreeffectuallytoenslaveus，mayinculcatethispartialmorality，andlosesightofvirtueinsubdividingitintothedutiesofparticularstations;
　　butletusnotblushfornaturewithoutacause！
　　"Aftertheseremarks，Iamashamedtoown，thatIwaspregnant。
　　Thegreatestsacrificeofmyprinciplesinmywholelife，wastheallowingmyhusbandagaintobefamiliarwithmyperson，thoughtothiscruelactofself—denial，whenIwishedtheearthtoopenandswallowme，youoweyourbirth;andItheunutterablepleasureofbeingamother。Therewassomethingofdelicacyinmyhusband’sbridalattentions;butnowhistaintedbreath，pimpledface，andblood—shoteyes，werenotmorerepugnanttomysenses，thanhisgrossmanners，andlovelessfamiliaritytomytaste。
　　"Amanwouldonlybeexpectedtomaintain;yes，barelygrantasubsistence，toawomanrenderedodiousbyhabitualintoxication;
　　butwhowouldexpecthim，orthinkitpossibletoloveher？Andunless’youth，andgenialyearswereflown，’itwouldbethoughtequallyunreasonabletoinsist，[underpenaltyof]forfeitingalmosteverythingreckonedvaluableinlife，thatheshouldnotloveanother：whilstwoman，weakinreason，impotentinwill，isrequiredtomoralize，sentimentalizeherselftostone，andpineherlifeaway，labouringtoreformherembrutedmate。Hemayevenspendindissipation，andintemperance，theveryintemperancewhichrendershimsohateful，herproperty，andbystintingherexpences，notpermithertobeguileinsociety，awearisome，joylesslife;forovertheirmutualfortuneshehasnopower，itmustallpassthroughhishand。Andifshebeamother，andinthepresentstateofwomen，itisagreatmisfortunetobepreventedfromdischargingtheduties，andcultivatingtheaffectionsofone，whathasshenottoendure？——ButIhavesufferedthetendernessofonetoleadmeintoreflectionsthatIdidnotthinkofmaking，tointerruptmynarrative——yetthefullheartwilloverflow。
　　"Mr。Venables’embarrassmentsdidnotnowendearhimtome;
　　still，anxioustobefriendhim，Iendeavouredtoprevailonhimtoretrenchhisexpences;buthehadalwayssomeplausibleexcusetogive，tojustifyhisnotfollowingmyadvice。Humanity，compassion，andtheinterestproducedbyahabitoflivingtogether，mademetrytorelieve，andsympathizewithhim;but，whenIrecollectedthatIwasboundtolivewithsuchabeingforever——myheartdiedwithinme;mydesireofimprovementbecamelanguid，andbaleful，corrodingmelancholytookpossessionofmysoul。Marriagehadbastilledmeforlife。Idiscoveredinmyselfacapacityfortheenjoymentofthevariouspleasuresexistenceaffords;yet，fetteredbythepartiallawsofsociety，thisfairglobewastomeanuniversalblank。
　　"WhenIexhortedmyhusbandtoeconomy，Ireferredtohimself。
　　Iwasobligedtopractisethemostrigid，orcontractdebts，whichIhadtoomuchreasontofearwouldneverbepaid。Idespisedthispaltryprivilegeofawife，whichcanonlybeofusetotheviciousorinconsiderate，anddeterminednottoincreasethetorrentthatwasbearinghimdown。Iwasthenignorantoftheextentofhisfraudulentspeculations，whomIwasboundtohonourandobey。
　　"Awomanneglectedbyherhusband，orwhosemannersformastrikingcontrastwithhis，willalwayshavemenonthewatchtosootheandflatterher。Besides，theforlornstateofaneglectedwoman，notdestituteofpersonalcharms，isparticularlyinteresting，androusesthatspeciesofpity，whichissonearakin，iteasilyslidesintolove。Amanoffeelingthinksnotofseducing，heishimselfseducedbyallthenoblestemotionsofhissoul。Hefigurestohimselfallthesacrificesawomanofsensibilitymustmake，andeverysituationinwhichhisimaginationplacesher，toucheshisheart，andfireshispassions。Longingtotaketohisbosomtheshornlamb，andbidthedroopingbudsofhoperevive，benevolencechangesintopassion：andshouldhethendiscoverthatheisbeloved，honourbindshimfast，thoughforeseeingthathemayafterwardsbeobligedtopayseveredamagestotheman，whoneverappearedtovaluehiswife’ssociety，tillhefoundthattherewasachanceofhisbeingindemnifiedforthelossofit。
　　"Sucharethepartiallawsenactedbymen;for，onlytolayastressonthedependentstateofawomaninthegrandquestionofthecomfortsarisingfromthepossessionofproperty，sheis[eveninthisarticle]muchmoreinjuredbythelossofthehusband’saffection，thanhebythatofhiswife;yetwhereisshe，condemnedtothesolitudeofadesertedhome，tolookforacompensationfromthewoman，whoseduceshimfromher？Shecannotdriveanunfaithfulhusbandfromhishouse，norseparate，ortear，hischildrenfromhim，howeverculpablehemaybe;andhe，stillthemasterofhisownfate，enjoysthesmilesofaworld，thatwouldbrandherwithinfamy，didshe，seekingconsolation，venturetoretaliate。
　　"Theseremarksarenotdictatedbyexperience;butmerelybythecompassionIfeelformanyamiablewomen，the_outlaws_oftheworld。Formyself，neverencouraginganyoftheadvancesthatweremadetome，myloversdroppedoffliketheuntimelyshootsofspring。Ididnotevencoquetwiththem;becauseIfound，onexaminingmyself，Icouldnotcoquetwithamanwithoutlovinghimalittle;andIperceivedthatIshouldnotbeabletostopatthelineofwhataretermed_innocent__freedoms_，didIsufferany。
　　Myreservewasthentheconsequenceofdelicacy。Freedomofconducthasemancipatedmanywomen’sminds;butmyconducthasmostrigidlybeengovernedbymyprinciples，tilltheimprovementofmyunderstandinghasenabledmetodiscernthefallacyofprejudicesatwarwithnatureandreason。
　　"ShortlyafterthechangeIhavementionedinmyhusband’sconduct，myunclewascompelledbyhisdeclininghealth，toseekthesuccourofamilderclimate，andembarkforLisbon。Helefthiswillinthehandsofafriend，aneminentsolicitor;hehadpreviouslyquestionedmerelativetomysituationandstateofmind，anddeclaredveryfreely，thathecouldplacenorelianceonthestabilityofmyhusband’sprofessions。Hehadbeendeceivedintheunfoldingofhischaracter;henowthoughtitfixedinatrainofactionsthatwouldinevitablyleadtoruinanddisgrace。
　　"Theeveningbeforehisdeparture，whichwespentalonetogether，hefoldedmetohisheart，utteringtheendearingappellationof’child。’——Mymorethanfather！whywasInotpermittedtoperformthelastdutiesofone，andsmooththepillowofdeath？
　　Heseemedbyhismannertobeconvincedthatheshouldneverseememore;yetrequestedme，mostearnestly，tocometohim，shouldIbeobligedtoleavemyhusband。Hehadbeforeexpressedhissorrowathearingofmypregnancy，havingdeterminedtoprevailonmetoaccompanyhim，tillIinformedhimofthatcircumstance。Heexpressedhimselfunfeignedlysorrythatanynewtieshouldbindmetoamanwhomhethoughtsoincapableofestimatingmyvalue;
　　suchwasthekindlanguageofaffection。
　　"Imustrepeathisownwords;theymadeanindelibleimpressiononmymind：
　　"’Themarriagestateiscertainlythatinwhichwomen，generallyspeaking，canbemostuseful;butIamfarfromthinkingthatawoman，oncemarried，oughttoconsidertheengagementasindissoluble（especiallyiftherebenochildrentorewardherforsacrificingherfeelings）incaseherhusbandmeritsneitherherlove，noresteem。Esteemwilloftensupplytheplaceoflove;andpreventawomanfrombeingwretched，thoughitmaynotmakeherhappy。
　　Themagnitudeofasacrificeoughtalwaystobearsomeproportiontotheutilityinview;andforawomantolivewithaman，forwhomshecancherishneitheraffectionnoresteem，orevenbeofanyusetohim，exceptinginthelightofahouse—keeper，isanabjectnessofcondition，theenduringofwhichnoconcurrenceofcircumstancescanevermakeadutyinthesightofGodorjustmen。
　　Ifindeedshesubmitstoitmerelytobemaintainedinidleness，shehasnorighttocomplainbitterlyofherfate;ortoact，asapersonofindependentcharactermight，asifshehadatitletodisregardgeneralrules。
　　"Butthemisfortuneis，thatmanywomenonlysubmitinappearance，andforfeittheirownrespecttosecuretheirreputationintheworld。Thesituationofawomanseparatedfromherhusband，isundoubtedlyverydifferentfromthatofamanwhohaslefthiswife。He，withlordlydignity，hasshakenofaclog;andtheallowingherfoodandraiment，isthoughtsufficienttosecurehisreputationfromtaint。And，shouldshehavebeeninconsiderate，hewillbecelebratedforhisgenerosityandforbearance。Suchistherespectpaidtothemaster—keyofproperty！Awoman，onthecontrary，resigningwhatistermedhernaturalprotector（thoughheneverwasso，butinname）isdespisedandshunned，forassertingtheindependenceofminddistinctiveofarationalbeing，andspurningatslavery。’
　　"Duringtheremainderoftheevening，myuncle’stendernessledhimfrequentlytoreverttothesubject，andutter，withincreasingwarmth，sentimentstothesamepurport。Atlengthitwasnecessarytosay’Farewell！’——andweparted——graciousGod！tomeetnomore。
　　CHAPTER11
　　"AGENTLEMANoflargefortuneandofpolishedmanners，hadlatelyvisitedveryfrequentlyatourhouse，andtreatedme，ifpossible，withmorerespectthanMr。Venablespaidhim;mypregnancywasnotyetvisible，hissocietywasagreatrelieftome，asIhadforsometimepast，toavoidexpence，confinedmyselfverymuchathome。Ieverdisdainedunnecessary，perhapsevenprudentconcealments;andmyhusband，withgreatease，discoveredtheamountofmyuncle’spartingpresent。Acopyofawritwasthestalepretexttoextortitfromme;andIhadsoonreasontobelievethatitwasfabricatedforthepurpose。Iacknowledgemyfollyinthussufferingmyselftobecontinuallyimposedon。Ihadadheredtomyresolutionnottoapplytomyuncle，onthepartofmyhusband，anymore;yet，whenIhadreceivedasumsufficienttosupplymyownwants，andtoenablemetopursueaplanIhadinview，tosettlemyyoungerbrotherinarespectableemployment，IallowedmyselftobedupedbyMr。Venables’shallowpretences，andhypocriticalprofessions。
　　"Thusdidhepillagemeandmyfamily，thusfrustrateallmyplansofusefulness。YetthiswasthemanIwasboundtorespectandesteem：asifrespectandesteemdependedonanarbitrarywillofourown！Butawifebeingasmuchaman’spropertyashishorse，orhisass，shehasnothingshecancallherown。Hemayuseanymeanstogetatwhatthelawconsidersashis，themomenthiswifeisinpossessionofit，eventotheforcingofalock，asMr。
　　Venablesdid，tosearchfornotesinmywriting—desk——andallthisisdonewithashowofequity，because，forsooth，heisresponsibleforhermaintenance。
　　"Thetendermothercannot_lawfully_snatchfromthegripeofthegamblingspendthrift，orbeastlydrunkard，unmindfulofhisoffspring，thefortunewhichfallstoherbychance;or（soflagrantistheinjustice）whatsheearnsbyherownexertions。No;hecanrobherwithimpunity，eventowastepubliclyonacourtezan;andthelawsofhercountry——ifwomenhaveacountry——affordhernoprotectionorredressfromtheoppressor，unlessshehavethepleaofbodilyfear;yethowmanywaysarethereofgoadingthesoulalmosttomadness，equallyunmanly，thoughnotsomean？Whensuchlawswereframed，shouldnotimpartiallawgivershavefirstdecreed，inthestyleofagreatassembly，whorecognizedtheexistenceofan_etre__supreme_，tofixthenationalbelief，thatthehusbandshouldalwaysbewiserandmorevirtuousthanhiswife，inordertoentitlehim，withashowofjustice，tokeepthisidiot，orperpetualminor，foreverinbondage。ButImusthavedone——
　　onthissubject，myindignationcontinuallyrunsawaywithme。
　　"ThecompanyofthegentlemanIhavealreadymentioned，whohadageneralacquaintancewithliteratureandsubjectsoftaste，wasgratefultome;mycountenancebrightenedupasheapproached，andIunaffectedlyexpressedthepleasureIfelt。Theamusementhisconversationaffordedme，madeiteasytocomplywithmyhusband’srequest，toendeavourtorenderourhouseagreeabletohim。
　　"Hisattentionsbecamemorepointed;but，asIwasnotofthenumberofwomen，whosevirtue，asitistermed，immediatelytakesalarm，Iendeavoured，ratherbyraillerythanseriousexpostulation，togiveadifferentturntohisconversation。Heassumedanewmodeofattack，andIwas，forawhile，thedupeofhispretendedfriendship。
　　"Ihad，merelyinthestyleof_badinage_，boastedofmyconquest，andrepeatedhislover—likecomplimentstomyhusband。
　　Buthebeggedme，forGod’ssake，nottoaffronthisfriend，orI
　　shoulddestroyallhisprojects，andbehisruin。HadIhadmoreaffectionformyhusband，Ishouldhaveexpressedmycontemptofthistime—servingpoliteness：nowIimaginedthatIonlyfeltpity;
　　yetitwouldhavepuzzledacasuisttopointoutinwhattheexactdifferenceconsisted。
　　"Thisfriendbegannow，inconfidence，todiscovertometherealstateofmyhusband’saffairs。’Necessity，’saidMr。S————;
　　whyshouldIrevealhisname？forheaffectedtopalliatetheconducthecouldnotexcuse，’hadledhimtotakesuchsteps，byaccommodationbills，buyinggoodsoncredit，tosellthemforreadymoney，andsimilartransactions，thathischaracterinthecommercialworldwasgone。Hewasconsidered，’headded，loweringhisvoice，’on’Changeasaswindler。’
　　"Ifeltatthatmomentthefirstmaternalpang。Awareoftheevilsmysexhavetostrugglewith，Istillwished，formyownconsolation，tobethemotherofadaughter;andIcouldnotbeartothink，thatthe_sins_ofherfather’sentaileddisgrace，shouldbeaddedtotheillstowhichwomanisheir。
　　"SocompletelywasIdeceivedbytheseshowsoffriendship（nay，Ibelieve，accordingtohisinterpretation，Mr。S————reallywasmyfriend）thatIbegantoconsulthimrespectingthebestmodeofretrievingmyhusband’scharacter：itisthegoodnameofawomanonlythatsetstorisenomore。Iknewnotthathehadbeendrawnintoawhirlpool，outofwhichhehadnottheenergytoattempttoescape。Heseemedindeeddestituteofthepowerofemployinghisfacultiesinanyregularpursuit。Hisprinciplesofactionweresoloose，andhismindsouncultivated，thateverythinglikeorderappearedtohimintheshapeofrestraint;and，likemeninthesavagestate，herequiredthestrongstimulusofhopeorfear，producedbywildspeculations，inwhichtheinterestsofotherswentfornothing，tokeephisspiritsawake。Heonetimeprofessedpatriotism，butheknewnotwhatitwastofeelhonestindignation;andpretendedtobeanadvocateforliberty，when，withaslittleaffectionforthehumanraceasforindividuals，hethoughtofnothingbuthisowngratification。Hewasjustsuchacitizen，asafather。Thesumsheadroitlyobtainedbyaviolationofthelawsofhiscountry，aswellasthoseofhumanity，hewouldallowamistresstosquander;thoughshewas，withthesame_sang_
　　_froid_，consigned，aswerehischildren，topoverty，whenanotherprovedmoreattractive。
　　"Onvariouspretences，hisfriendcontinuedtovisitme;and，observingmywantofmoney，hetriedtoinducemetoacceptofpecuniaryaid;butthisofferIabsolutelyrejected，thoughitwasmadewithsuchdelicacy，Icouldnotbedispleased。
　　"Onedayhecame，asIthoughtaccidentally，todinner。Myhusbandwasverymuchengagedinbusiness，andquittedtheroomsoonaftertheclothwasremoved。Weconversedasusual，tillconfidentialadviceledagaintolove。Iwasextremelymortified。
　　Ihadasincereregardforhim，andhopedthathehadanequalfriendshipforme。Ithereforebeganmildlytoexpostulatewithhim。Thisgentlenesshemistookforcoyencouragement;andhewouldnotbedivertedfromthesubject。Perceivinghismistake，I
　　seriouslyaskedhimhow，usingsuchlanguagetome，hecouldprofesstobemyhusband’sfriend？Asignificantsneerexcitedmycuriosity，andhe，supposingthistobemyonlyscruple，tookaletterdeliberatelyoutofhispocket，saying，’Yourhusband’shonourisnotinflexible。Howcouldyou，withyourdiscernment，thinkitso？
　　Why，helefttheroomthisverydayonpurposetogivemeanopportunitytoexplainmyself;_he_thoughtmetootimid——tootardy。
　　"Isnatchedtheletterwithindescribableemotion。Thepurportofitwastoinvitehimtodinner，andtoridiculehischivalrousrespectforme。Heassuredhim，’thateverywomanhadherprice，and，withgrossindecency，hinted，thatheshouldbegladtohavethedutyofahusbandtakenoffhishands。Thesehetermed_liberal_
　　_sentiments_。Headvisedhimnottoshockmyromanticnotions，buttoattackmycredulousgenerosity，andweakpity;andconcludedwithrequestinghimtolendhimfivehundredpoundsforamonthorsixweeks。’Ireadthislettertwiceover;andthefirmpurposeitinspired，calmedtherisingtumultofmysoul。Irosedeliberately，requestedMr。S————towaitamoment，andinstantlygoingintothecounting—house，desiredMr。Venablestoreturnwithmetothedining—parlour。
　　"Helaiddownhispen，andenteredwithme，withoutobservinganychangeinmycountenance。Ishutthedoor，and，givinghimtheletter，simplyasked，’whetherhewroteit，orwasitaforgery？’
　　"Nothingcouldequalhisconfusion。Hisfriend’seyemethis，andhemutteredsomethingaboutajoke——ButIinterruptedhim——
　　’Itissufficient——Wepartforever。’
　　"Icontinued，withsolemnity，’Ihavebornewithyourtyrannyandinfidelities。IdisdaintoutterwhatIhavebornewith。
　　Ithoughtyouunprincipled，butnotsodecidedlyvicious。Iformedatie，inthesightofheaven——Ihavehelditsacred;evenwhenmen，moreconformabletomytaste，havemademefeel——Idespiseallsubterfuge！——thatIwasnotdeadtolove。Neglectedbyyou，Ihaveresolutelystifledtheenticingemotions，andrespectedtheplightedfaithyououtraged。Andyoudarenowtoinsultme，bysellingmetoprostitution！——Yes——equallylosttodelicacyandprinciple——youdaredsacrilegiouslytobarterthehonourofthemotherofyourchild。’
　　"Then，turningtoMr。S————，Iadded，’Icallonyou，Sir，towitness，’andIliftedmyhandsandeyestoheaven，’that，assolemnlyasItookhisname，Inowabjureit，’Ipulledoffmyring，andputitonthetable;’andthatImeanimmediatelytoquithishouse，nevertoenteritmore。Iwillprovideformyselfandchild。IleavehimasfreeasIamdeterminedtobemyself——
　　heshallbeanswerablefornodebtsofmine。’
　　"Astonishmentclosedtheirlips，tillMr。Venables，gentlypushinghisfriend，withaforcedsmile，outoftheroom，natureforamomentprevailed，and，appearinglikehimself，heturnedround，burningwithrage，tome：buttherewasnoterrorinthefrown，exceptingwhencontrastedwiththemalignantsmilewhichprecededit。Hebademe’leavethehouseatmyperil;
　　toldmehedespisedmythreats;Ihadnoresource;Icouldnotswearthepeaceagainsthim！——Iwasnotafraidofmylife！——
　　hehadneverstruckme！’
　　"Hethrewtheletterinthefire，whichIhadincautiouslyleftinhishands;and，quittingtheroom，lockedthedooronme。
　　"Whenleftalone，IwasamomentortwobeforeIcouldrecollectmyself——Onescenehadsucceededanotherwithsuchrapidity，IalmostdoubtedwhetherIwasreflectingonarealevent。’Wasitpossible？
　　WasI，indeed，free？’——Yes;freeItermedmyself，whenIdecidedlyperceivedtheconductIoughttoadopt。HowhadIpantedforliberty——liberty，thatIwouldhavepurchasedatanyprice，butthatofmyownesteem！Irose，andshookmyself;openedthewindow，andmethoughttheairneversmelledsosweet。ThefaceofheavengrewfairerasIviewedit，andthecloudsseemedtoflitawayobedienttomywishes，togivemysoulroomtoexpand。Iwasallsoul，and（wildasitmayappear）feltasifIcouldhavedissolvedinthesoftbalmygalethatkissedmycheek，orhaveglidedbelowthehorizonontheglowing，descendingbeams。Aseraphicsatisfactionanimated，withoutagitatingmyspirits;andmyimaginationcollected，invisionssublimelyterrible，orsoothinglybeautiful，animmensevarietyoftheendlessimages，whichnatureaffords，andfancycombines，ofthegrandandfair。Thelustreofthesebrightpicturesquesketchesfadedwiththesettingsun;butIwasstillalivetothecalmdelighttheyhaddiffusedthroughmyheart。
　　"Theremaybeadvocatesformatrimonialobedience，who，makingadistinctionbetweenthedutyofawifeandofahumanbeing，mayblamemyconduct。——TothemIwritenot——myfeelingsarenotforthemtoanalyze;andmayyou，mychild，neverbeabletoascertain，byheart—rendingexperience，whatyourmotherfeltbeforethepresentemancipationofhermind！
　　"Ibegantowritealettertomyfather，afterclosingonetomyuncle;nottoaskadvice，buttosignifymydetermination;whenIwasinterruptedbytheentranceofMr。Venables。Hismannerwaschanged。Hisviewsonmyuncle’sfortunemadehimaversetomyquittinghishouse，orhewould，Iamconvinced，havebeengladtohaveshakenoffeventheslightrestraintmypresenceimposedonhim;therestraintofshowingmesomerespect。Sofarfromhavinganaffectionforme，hereallyhatedme，becausehewasconvincedthatImustdespisehim。
　　"Hetoldme，that’AsInowhadhadtimetocoolandreflect，hedidnotdoubtbutthatmyprudence，andnicesenseofpropriety，wouldleadmetooverlookwhatwaspassed。’
　　"’Reflection，’Ireplied，’hadonlyconfirmedmypurpose，andnopoweronearthcoulddivertmefromit。’
　　"Endeavouringtoassumeasoothingvoiceandlook，whenhewouldwillinglyhavetorturedme，toforcemetofeelhispower，hiscountenancehadaninfernalexpression，whenhedesiredme，’Nottoexposemyselftotheservants，byobliginghimtoconfinemeinmyapartment;ifthenIwouldgivemypromisenottoquitthehouseprecipitately，Ishouldbefree——and——。’Ideclared，interruptinghim，’thatIwouldpromisenothing。Ihadnomeasurestokeepwithhim——Iwasresolved，andwouldnotcondescendtosubterfuge。’
　　"Hemuttered，’thatIshouldsoonrepentofthesepreposterousairs;’and，orderingteatobecarriedintomylittlestudy，whichhadacommunicationwithmybed—chamber，heoncemorelockedthedooruponme，andleftmetomyownmeditations。Ihadpassivelyfollowedhimupstairs，notwishingtofatiguemyselfwithunavailingexertion。
　　"Nothingcalmsthemindlikeafixedpurpose。IfeltasifIhadheavedathousandweightfrommyheart;theatmosphereseemedlightened;and，ifIexecratedtheinstitutionsofsociety，whichthusenablementotyrannizeoverwomen，itwasalmostadisinterestedsentiment。Idisregardedpresentinconveniences，whenmymindhaddonestrugglingwithitself，——whenreasonandinclinationhadshakenhandsandwereatpeace。Ihadnolongerthecrueltaskbeforeme，inendlessperspective，aye，duringthetediousforeveroflife，oflabouringtoovercomemyrepugnance——oflabouringtoextinguishthehopes，themaybesofalivelyimagination。DeathIhadhailedasmyonlychancefordeliverance;but，whileexistencehadstillsomanycharms，andlifepromisedhappiness，Ishrunkfromtheicyarmsofanunknowntyrant，thoughfarmoreinvitingthanthoseoftheman，towhomIsupposedmyselfboundwithoutanyotheralternative;andwascontenttolingeralittlelonger，waitingforIknewnotwhat，ratherthanleave’thewarmprecinctsofthecheerfulday，’andalltheunenjoyedaffectionofmynature。
　　"Mypresentsituationgaveanewturntomyreflection;andIwondered（nowthefilmseemedtobewithdrawn，thatobscuredthepiercingsightofreason）howIcould，previouslytothedecidingoutrage，haveconsideredmyselfaseverlastinglyunitedtoviceandfolly！’Hadanevilgeniuscastaspellatmybirth;orademonstalkedoutofchaos，toperplexmyunderstanding，andenchainmywill，withdelusiveprejudices？’
　　"Ipursuedthistrainofthinking;itledmeoutofmyself，toexpatiateonthemiserypeculiartomysex。’Arenot，’Ithought，’thedespotsforeverstigmatized，who，inthewantonnessofpower，commandedeventhemostatrociouscriminalstobechainedtodeadbodies？thoughsurelythoselawsaremuchmoreinhuman，whichforgeadamantinefetterstobindmindstogether，thatnevercanmingleinsocialcommunion！Whatindeedcanequalthewretchednessofthatstate，inwhichthereisnoalternative，buttoextinguishtheaffections，orencounterinfamy？’
　　CHAPTER12
　　"TOWARDSmidnightMr。Venablesenteredmychamber;and，withcalmaudacitypreparingtogotobed，hebadememakehaste，’forthatwasthebestplaceforhusbandsandwivestoendtheirdifferences。
　　Hehadbeendrinkingplentifullytoaidhiscourage。
　　"Ididnotatfirstdeigntoreply。Butperceivingthatheaffectedtotakemysilenceforconsent，Itoldhimthat，’Ifhewouldnotgotoanotherbed，orallowme，Ishouldsitupinmystudyallnight。’Heattemptedtopullmeintothechamber，halfjoking。ButIresisted;and，ashehaddeterminednottogivemeanyreasonforsayingthatheusedviolence，afterafewmoreefforts，heretired，cursingmyobstinacy，tobed。
　　"Isatmusingsometimelonger;then，throwingmycloakaroundme，preparedforsleeponasopha。And，sofortunateseemedmydeliverance，sosacredthepleasureofbeingthuswrappedupinmyself，thatIsleptprofoundly，andwokewithamindcomposedtoencounterthestrugglesoftheday。Mr。Venablesdidnotwaketillsomehoursafter;andthenhecametomehalf—dressed，yawningandstretching，withhaggardeyes，asifhescarcelyrecollectedwhathadpassedtheprecedingevening。Hefixedhiseyesonmeforamoment，then，callingmeafool，asked’HowlongIintendedtocontinuethisprettyfarce？Forhispart，hewasdevilishsickofit;butthiswastheplagueofmarryingwomenwhopretendedtoknowsomething。’
　　"Imadenootherreplytothisharangue，thantosay，’Thatheoughttobegladtogetridofawomansounfittobehiscompanion——andthatanychangeinmyconductwouldbemeandissimulation;formaturerreflectiononlygavethesacredsealofreasontomyfirstresolution。’
　　"Helookedasifhecouldhavestampedwithimpatience，atbeingobligedtostiflehisrage;but，conqueringhisanger（forweakpeople，whosepassionsseemthemostungovernable，restrainthemwiththegreatestease，whentheyhaveasufficientmotive），heexclaimed，’Verypretty，uponmysoul！verypretty，theatricalflourishes！Pray，fairRoxana，stoopfromyouraltitudes，andrememberthatyouareactingapartinreallife。’
　　"Heutteredthisspeechwithaself—satisfiedair，andwentdownstairstodress。
　　"Inaboutanhourhecametomeagain;andinthesametonesaid，’Thathecameasmygentleman—ushertohandmedowntobreakfast。
　　"’Oftheblackrod？’askedI。
　　"Thisquestion，andthetoneinwhichIaskedit，alittledisconcertedhim。Tosaythetruth，Inowfeltnoresentment;myfirmresolutiontofreemyselffrommyignoblethraldom，hadabsorbedthevariousemotionswhich，duringsixyears，hadrackedmysoul。
　　Thedutypointedoutbymyprinciplesseemedclear;andnotonetenderfeelingintrudedtomakemeswerve：Thedislikewhichmyhusbandhadinspiredwasstrong;butitonlyledmetowishtoavoid，towishtolethimdropoutofmymemory;therewasnomisery，notorturethatIwouldnotdeliberatelyhavechosen，ratherthanrenewmyleaseofservitude。
　　"Duringthebreakfast，heattemptedtoreasonwithmeonthefollyofromanticsentiments;forthiswastheindiscriminateepithethegavetoeverymodeofconductorthinkingsuperiortohisown。Heasserted，’thatalltheworldweregovernedbytheirowninterest;thosewhopretendedtobeactuatedbydifferentmotives，wereonlydeeperknaves，orfoolscrazedbybooks，whotookforgospelalltherodomantadenonsensewrittenbymenwhoknewnothingoftheworld。Forhispart，hethankedGod，hewasnohypocrite;and，ifhestretchedapointsometimes，itwasalwayswithanintentionofpayingeverymanhisown。’
　　"Hethenartfullyinsinuated，’thathedailyexpectedavesseltoarrive，asuccessfulspeculation，thatwouldmakehimeasyforthepresent，andthathehadseveralotherschemesactuallydepending，thatcouldnotfail。Hehadnodoubtofbecomingrichinafewyears，thoughhehadbeenthrownbackbysomeunluckyadventuresatthesettingout。’
　　"Imildlyreplied，’ThatIwishedhemightnotinvolvehimselfstilldeeper。’
　　"HehadnonotionthatIwasgovernedbyadecisionofjudgment，nottobecomparedwithamerespurtofresentment。Heknewnotwhatitwastofeelindignationagainstvice，andoftenboastedofhisplacabletemper，andreadinesstoforgiveinjuries。True;forheonlyconsideredthebeingdeceived，asaneffortofskillhehadnotguardedagainst;andthen，withacantofcandour，wouldobserve，’thathedidnotknowhowhemighthimselfhavebeentemptedtoactinthesamecircumstances。’And，ashisheartneveropenedtofriendship，itneverwaswoundedbydisappointment。
　　Everynewacquaintanceheprotested，itistrue，was’thecleverestfellowintheworld;andhereallythoughtso;tillthenoveltyofhisconversationormannersceasedtohaveanyeffectonhissluggishspirits。Hisrespectforrankorfortunewasmorepermanent，thoughhechancedtohavenodesignofavailinghimselfoftheinfluenceofeithertopromotehisownviews。
　　"Afteraprefatoryconversation，——myblood（Ithoughtithadbeencooler）flushedovermywholecountenanceashespoke——healludedtomysituation。Hedesiredmetoreflect——’andactlikeaprudentwoman，asthebestproofofmysuperiorunderstanding;
　　forhemustownIhadsense，didIknowhowtouseit。Iwasnot，’
　　helaidastressonhiswords，’withoutmypassions;andahusbandwasaconvenientcloke。——Hewasliberalinhiswayofthinking;
　　andwhymightnotwe，likemanyothermarriedpeople，whowereabovevulgarprejudices，tacitlyconsenttoleteachotherfollowtheirowninclination？——Hemeantnothingmore，intheletterImadethegroundofcomplaint;andthepleasurewhichIseemedtotakeinMr。S。’scompany，ledhimtoconclude，thathewasnotdisagreeabletome。’
　　"Aclerkbroughtinthelettersoftheday，andI，asIoftendid，whilehewasdiscussingsubjectsofbusiness，wenttothe_piano__forte_，andbegantoplayafavouriteairtorestoremyself，asitwere，tonature，anddrivethesophisticatedsentimentsIhadjustbeenobligedtolistento，outofmysoul。
　　"TheyhadexcitedsensationssimilartothoseIhavefelt，inviewingthesqualidinhabitantsofsomeofthelanesandbackstreetsofthemetropolis，mortifiedatbeingcompelledtoconsiderthemasmyfellow—creatures，asifanapehadclaimedkindredwithme。Or，aswhensurroundedbyamephiticalfog，Ihavewishedtohaveavolleyofcannonfired，tocleartheincumberedatmosphere，andgivemeroomtobreatheandmove。
　　"Myspiritswereallinarms，andIplayedakindofextemporaryprelude。Thecadencewasprobablywildandimpassioned，while，lostinthought，Imadethesoundsakindofechotomytrainofthinking。
　　"Pausingforamoment，ImetMr。Venables’eyes。Hewasobservingmewithanairofconceitedsatisfaction，asmuchastosay——’Mylastinsinuationhasdonethebusiness——shebeginstoknowherowninterest。’Thengatheringuphisletters，hesaid，’Thathehopedheshouldhearnomoreromanticstuff，wellenoughinamissjustcomefromboardingschool;’andwent，aswashiscustom，tothecounting—house。Istillcontinuedplaying;and，turningtoasprightlylesson，Iexecuteditwithuncommonvivacity。Iheardfootstepsapproachthedoor，andwassoonconvincedthatMr。Venableswaslistening;theconsciousnessonlygavemoreanimationtomyfingers。Hewentdownintothekitchen，andthecook，probablybyhisdesire，cametome，toknowwhatIwouldpleasetoorderfordinner。Mr。Venablescameintotheparlouragain，withapparentcarelessness。Iperceivedthatthecunningmanwasoverreachinghimself;andIgavemydirectionsasusual，andlefttheroom。
　　"WhileIwasmakingsomealterationinmydress，Mr。Venablespeepedin，and，beggingmypardonforinterruptingme，disappeared。
　　Itookupsomework（Icouldnotread），andtwoorthreemessagesweresenttome，probablyfornootherpurpose，buttoenableMr。
　　VenablestoascertainwhatIwasabout。
　　"IlistenedwheneverIheardthestreet—dooropen;atlastI
　　imaginedIcoulddistinguishMr。Venables’step，goingout。Ilaidasidemywork;myheartpalpitated;stillIwasafraidhastilytoenquire;andIwaitedalonghalfhour，beforeIventuredtoasktheboywhetherhismasterwasinthecounting—house？
　　"Beingansweredinthenegative，Ibadehimcallmeacoach，andcollectingafewnecessarieshastilytogether，withalittleparceloflettersandpaperswhichIhadcollectedtheprecedingevening，Ihurriedintoit，desiringthecoachmantodrivetoadistantpartofthetown。
　　"IalmostfearedthatthecoachwouldbreakdownbeforeIgotoutofthestreet;and，whenIturnedthecorner，Iseemedtobreatheafreerair。IwasreadytoimaginethatIwasrisingabovethethickatmosphereofearth;orIfelt，asweariedsoulsmightbesupposedtofeelonenteringanotherstateofexistence。
　　"Istoppedatoneortwostandsofcoachestoeludepursuit，andthendroveroundtheskirtsofthetowntoseekforanobscurelodging，whereIwishedtoremainconcealed，tillIcouldavailmyselfofmyuncle’sprotection。Ihadresolvedtoassumemyownnameimmediately，andopenlytoavowmydetermination，withoutanyformalvindication，themomentIhadfoundahome，inwhichIcouldrestfreefromthedailyalarmofexpectingtoseeMr。Venablesenter。
　　"Ilookedatseverallodgings;butfindingthatIcouldnot，withoutareferencetosomeacquaintance，whomightinformmytyrant，getadmittanceintoadecentapartment——menhavenotallthistrouble——IthoughtofawomanwhomIhadassistedtofurnishalittlehaberdasher’sshop，andwhoIknewhadafirstfloortolet。
　　"Iwenttoher，andthoughIcouldnotpersuadeher，thatthequarrelbetweenmeandMr。Venableswouldneverbemadeup，stillsheagreedtoconcealmeforthepresent;yetassuringmeatthesametime，shakingherhead，that，whenawomanwasoncemarried，shemustbeareverything。Herpaleface，onwhichappearedathousandhaggardlinesanddelvingwrinkles，producedbywhatisemphaticallytermedfretting，inforcedherremark;andIhadafterwardsanopportunityofobservingthetreatmentshehadtoendure，whichgrizzledherintopatience。Shetoiledfrommorningtillnight;yetherhusbandwouldrobthetill，andtakeawaythemoneyreservedforpayingbills;and，returninghomedrunk，hewouldbeatherifshechancedtooffendhim，thoughshehadachildatthebreast。
　　"Thesescenesawokemeatnight;and，inthemorning，Iheardher，asusual，talktoherdearJohnny——he，forsooth，washermaster;noslaveintheWestIndieshadonemoredespotic;
　　butfortunatelyshewasofthetrueRussianbreedofwives。
　　"Mymind，duringthefewpastdays，seemed，asitwere，disengagedfrommybody;but，nowthestrugglewasover，Ifeltveryforciblytheeffectwhichperturbationofspiritsproducesonawomaninmysituation。
　　"Theapprehensionofamiscarriage，obligedmetoconfinemyselftomyapartmentnearafortnight;butIwrotetomyuncle’sfriendformoney，promising’tocallonhim，andexplainmysituation，whenIwaswellenoughtogoout;meantimeIearnestlyintreatedhim，nottomentionmyplaceofabodetoanyone，lestmyhusband——suchthelawconsideredhim——shoulddisturbthemindhecouldnotconquer。ImentionedmyintentionofsettingoutforLisbon，toclaimmyuncle’sprotection，themomentmyhealthwouldpermit。’
　　"Thetranquillityhowever，whichIwasrecovering，wassooninterrupted。Mylandladycameuptomeoneday，witheyesswollenwithweeping，unabletoutterwhatshewascommandedtosay。Shedeclared，’Thatshewasneversomiserableinherlife;thatshemustappearanungratefulmonster;andthatshewouldreadilygodownonherkneestome，tointreatmetoforgiveher，asshehaddonetoherhusbandtospareherthecrueltask。’Sobspreventedherfromproceeding，oransweringmyimpatientenquiries，toknowwhatshemeant。
　　"Whenshebecamealittlemorecomposed，shetookanewspaperoutofherpocket，declaring，’thatherheartsmoteher，butwhatcouldshedo？——shemustobeyherhusband。’Isnatchedthepaperfromher。Anadvertisementquicklymetmyeye，purporting，that’MariaVenableshad，withoutanyassignablecause，abscondedfromherhusband;andanypersonharbouringher，wasmenacedwiththeutmostseverityofthelaw。’
　　"PerfectlyacquaintedwithMr。Venables’meannessofsoul，thisstepdidnotexcitemysurprise，andscarcelymycontempt。