Herecomesthethriftyhousewifeofthepoor，towhomthedifferenceofatenthofapennyinthepriceofacabbageisall—important，andthemuchharassedkeeperofthepettypension。TherearehousesinBrusselswheretheywillfeedyou，lightyou，sleepyou，waitonyou，fortwofrancsaday。Witheredoldladies，ancientgovernesses，whowillteachyouforfortycentimesanhour，gatherroundtheserickettytables，wolfupthethinsoup，grumbleatthewaterycoffee，helpthemselveswithunladylikegreedinesstothepotatopie。Itmustneedcarefulhousewiferytokeepthesepoorcreaturesontwofrancsadayandmakeaprofitforyourself。So"Madame，"themuch—
　　grumbled—at，whohasgonetobedabouttwelve，risesalittlebeforefive，makesherwaydownwithherbasket。Thusafewsousmaybesavedupontheday’seconomies。
　　Sometimesitisamerechildwhoisthelittlehousekeeper。Onethinksthatperhapsthisearlytrainingintheartofhagglingmaynotbegoodforher。Alreadythereisahardexpressioninthechildisheyes，meanlinesaboutthelittlemouth。Thefinerqualitiesofhumanityareexpensiveluxuries，nottobeaffordedbythepoor。
　　Theyoverworktheirpatientdogs，andunderfeedthem。Duringthetwohours’marketthepoorbeasts，stillfastenedtotheirlittle"chariots，"restintheopenspaceabouttheneighbouringBourse。
　　Theysnatchatwhatyouthrowthem;theydonoteventhankyouwithawagofthetail。Gratitude！Politeness！Whatmeanyou？Wehavenotheardofsuch。Weonlywork。Someofthemamidallthedinliesleepingbetweentheirshafts。Somearelickingoneanother’ssores。
　　Onewouldtheywerebettertreated;alas！theirowners，likewise，areoverworkedandunderfed，housedinkennelsnobetter。Butifthemajorityineverysocietywerenotoverworkedandunderfedandmeanlyhoused，why，thentheminoritycouldnotbeunderworkedandoverfedandhousedluxuriously。Butthisistalktowhichnorespectablereadercanbeexpectedtolisten。
　　Theyareonebabelofbargaining，thesemarkets。Thepurchaserselectsacauliflower。Fortunately，cauliflowershavenofeelings，orprobablyitwouldburstintotearsattheexpressionwithwhichitisregarded。Itisimpossiblethatanyladyshoulddesiresuchacauliflower。Still，outofmerecuriosity，shewouldknowtheprice—
　　—thatis，iftheownerofthecauliflowerisnottoomuchashamedofittonameaprice。
　　Theownerofthecauliflowersuggestssixsous。Thethingistooridiculousforargument。Thepurchaserbreaksintoalaugh。
　　Theownerofthecauliflowerisstung。Shepointsoutthebeautiesofthatcauliflower。Apparentlyitisthecaulifloweroutofallherstockshelovesthebest;abettercauliflowerneverlived;ifthereweremorecauliflowersintheworldlikethisparticularcauliflowerthingsmightbedifferent。Shegivesasketchofthecauliflower’scareer，fromitsyouthupwards。Hardenoughitwillbeforherwhenthehourforpartingfromitcomes。Iftheotherladyhasnotsufficientknowledgeofcauliflowerstoappreciateit，willshekindlynotpawitabout，butputitdownandgoaway，andneverlettheownerofthecauliflowerseeheragain。
　　Theotherlady，moreasafriendthanasapurchaser，pointsoutthecauliflower’sdefects。Shewisheswelltotheownerofthecauliflower，andwouldliketoteachhersomethingaboutherbusiness。Aladywhothinkssuchacauliflowerworthsixsouscanneverhopetosucceedasacauliflowervendor。Hasshereallytakenthetroubletoexaminethecauliflowerforherself，orhaslovemadeherblindtoitsshortcomings？
　　Theownerofthecaulifloweristooindignanttoreply。Shesnatchesitaway，appearstobecomfortingit，replacesitinthebasket。Theotherladyisgrievedathumanobstinacyandstupidityingeneral。
　　Iftheownerofthecauliflowerhadhadanysenseshewouldhaveaskedfoursous。Eventuallybusinessisdoneatfive。
　　Itisthecustomeverywhereabroad——askingthepriceofathingissimplyopeningconversation。Aladytoldmethat，thefirstdayshebeganhousekeepinginFlorence，shehandedovertoapoultererforachickenthepricehehaddemanded——withprotestationsthathewaslosingonthetransaction，butwanted，forfamilyreasons，apparently，togetridofthechicken。Hestoodforhalfaminutestaringather，andthen，beinganhonestsortofman，threwinapigeon。
　　ForeignhousekeepersstartingbusinessinLondonappearhurtwhenourtradesmendeclinetoaccepthalf—a—crownforarticlesmarkedthree—
　　and—six。
　　"Thenwhymarkitonlythree—and—sixpence？"istheforeignhousekeeper’sargument。
　　SHOULDMARRIEDMENPLAYGOLF？
　　ThatweEnglishmenattachtoomuchimportancetosportgoeswithoutsaying——or，rather，ithasbeensaidsooftenastohavebecomeacommonplace。OneofthesedayssomereformingEnglishnovelistwillwriteabook，showingtheevileffectsofover—indulgenceinsport：
　　theneglectedbusiness，theruinedhome，theslowbutsuresappingofthebrain——whattheremayhavebeenofitinthebeginning——leadingtosemi—imbecilityandyearlyincreasingobesity。
　　Ayoungcouple，Ionceheardof，wentfortheirhoneymoontoScotland。Thepoorgirldidnotknowhewasagolfer（hehadwooedandwonherduringaperiodofidlenessenforcedbyasprainedshoulder），ormaybeshewouldhaveavoidedScotland。Theideatheystartedwithwasthatofatour。Theseconddaythemanwentoutforastrollbyhimself。Atdinner—timeheobserved，withafar—awaylookinhiseyes，thatitseemedaprettyspottheyhadstruck，andsuggestedtheirstayingthereanotherday。Thenextmorningafterbreakfastheborrowedaclubfromthehotelporter，andremarkedthathewouldtakeawalkwhileshefinisheddoingherhair。Hesaiditamusedhim，swingingaclubwhilehewalked。Hereturnedintimeforlunchandseemedmoodyalltheafternoon。Hesaidtheairsuitedhim，andurgedthattheyshouldlingeryetanotherday。
　　Shewasyoungandinexperienced，andthought，maybe，itwasliver。
　　Shehadheardmuchaboutliverfromherfather。Thenextmorningheborrowedmoreclubs，andwentout，thistimebeforebreakfast，returningtoalateandnotoversociabledinner。Thatwastheendoftheirhoneymoonsofarasshewasconcerned。Hemeantwell，butthethinghadgonetoofar。Thevicehadenteredintohisblood，andthesmellofthelinksdroveoutallotherconsiderations。
　　Wearemostofusfamiliar，Itakeit，withthestoryofthegolfingparson，whocouldnotkeepfromswearingwhentheballswentwrong。
　　"Golfandtheministrydon’tseemtogotogether，"hisfriendtoldhim。"Takemyadvicebeforeit’stoolate，andgiveitup，Tammas。"
　　AfewmonthslaterTammasmethisfriendagain。
　　"Youwereright，Jamie，"criedtheparsoncheerily，"theydidnarunwellinharness;golfandthemeenistry，Ihaefollowedyouradvice：
　　Ihaegi’enitoop。"
　　"Thenwhatareyedoingwiththatsackofclubs？"inquiredJamie。
　　"WhatamIdoingwiththem？"repeatedthepuzzledTammas。"WhyIamgoingtoplaygolfwiththem。"Alightbrokeuponhim。"GreatHeavens，man！"hecontinued，"yedidna’think’twasthegolfI’dgi’enoop？"
　　TheEnglishmandoesnotunderstandplay。Hemakesalife—longlabourofhissport，andtoitsacrificesmindandbody。ThehealthresortsofEurope——toparaphraseafamoussayingthatnobodyappearstohavesaid——drawhalftheirprofitsfromtheplayingfieldsofEtonandelsewhere。InSwissandGermankurhausenenormouslyfatmenbeardownuponyouandexplaintoyouthatoncetheywerethechampionsprintersorthehigh—jumprepresentativesoftheiruniversity——menwhonowholdontothebannistersandgroanastheyhaulthemselvesupstairs。Consumptivemen，betweenparoxysmsofcoughing，tellyouofthegoalstheyscoredwhentheywerehalf—backsorforwardsofextraordinaryability。Ex—light—weightamateurpugilists，withthefigurenowofanAmericanroll—topdesk，buttyouintoacornerofthebilliard—room，and，surprisedtheycannotgetasnearyouastheywoulddesire，whispertoyouthesecretofavoidingtheundercutbytheswiftnessofthebackwardleap。Broken—downtennisplayers，one—
　　leggedskaters，dropsicalgentlemen—riders，aretobemetwithhobblingoncrutchesalongeveryhighwayoftheEngadine。
　　Theyarepitiableobjects。Neverhavinglearnttoreadanythingbutthesportingpapers，booksareofnousetothem。Theyneverwastedmuchoftheiryouthonthought，and，apparently，havelosttheknackofit。Theydon’tcareforart，andNatureonlysuggeststothemthethingstheycannolongerdo。Thesnow—cladmountainremindsthemthatoncetheyweredaringtobogannists;theundulatingcommonmakesthemsadbecausetheycannolongerhandleagolf—club;bytheriversidetheysitdownandtellyouofthesalmontheycaughtbeforetheycaughtrheumaticfever;birdsonlymakethemlongforguns;
　　musicraisesvisionsofthelocalcricket—matchoflongago，enlivenedbythelocalband;apicturesqueestaminet，withlittletablesspreadoutunderthevines，recallsbittermemoriesofping—
　　pong。Oneissorryforthem，buttheirconversationisnotexhilarating。Themanwhohasotherinterestsinlifebeyondsportisapttofindtheirreminiscencesmonotonous;whiletooneanothertheydonotcaretotalk。Onegathersthattheydonotaltogetherbelieveoneanother。
　　Theforeigneristakingkindlytooursports;onehopeshewillbeforewarnedbyourexampleandnotoverdothething。Atpresent，oneisboundtoadmit，heshowsnosignoftakingsporttooseriously。
　　FootballisgainingfavourmoreandmorethroughoutEurope。ButyettheFrenchmanhasnotgotitoutofhisheadthatthecouptopractiseiskickingtheballhighintotheairandcatchingituponhishead。Hewouldrathercatchtheballuponhisheadthanscoreagoal。Ifhecanmanoeuvretheballawayintoacorner，kickitupintotheairtwicerunning，andeachtimecatchitonhishead，hedoesnotseemtocarewhathappensafterthat。Anybodycanhavetheball;hehashadhisgameandishappy。
　　TheytalkofintroducingcricketintoBelgium;Ishallcertainlytrytobepresentattheopeninggame。Iamafraidthat，untilhelearnsfromexperience，theBelgianfielderwillstopcricketballswithhishead。Thattheheadistheproperthingwithwhichtoplayballappearstobeinhisblood。Myheadisround，heargues，andhard，justliketheballitself;whatpartofthehumanframemorefitandproperwithwhichtomeetandstopaball。
　　Golfhasnotyetcaughton，buttennisisfirmlyestablishedfromSt。
　　PetersburgtoBordeaux。TheGerman，withthethoroughnesscharacteristicofhim，isworkinghard。Universityprofessors，stoutmajors，risingearlyinthemorning，hireboysandpractiseback—
　　handersandhalf—volleys。ButtotheFrenchman，asyet，itisagame。Heplaysitinahappy，merryfashion，thatisshockingtoEnglisheyes。
　　Yourpartner’sserviceratherastonishesyou。Anoccasionalyardorsobeyondthelinehappenstoanyone，butthisman’sobjectappearstobetobreakwindows。Youfeelyoureallymustremonstrate，whenthejoyouslaughterandtumultuousapplauseofthespectatorsexplainthepuzzletoyou。Hehasnotbeentryingtoserve;hehasbeentryingtohitamaninthenextcourtwhoisstoopingdowntotieuphisshoe—lace。Withhislastballhehassucceeded。Hehashitthemaninthesmalloftheback，andhasbowledhimover。Theunanimousopinionofthesurroundingcriticsisthattheballcouldnotpossiblyhavebeenbetterplaced。ADohertyhasneverwongreaterapplausefromthecrowd。Eventhemanwhohasbeenhitappearspleased;itshowswhataFrenchmancandowhenhedoestakeupagame。
　　ButFrenchhonourdemandsrevenge。Heforgetshisshoe，heforgetshisgame。Hegatherstogetheralltheballsthathecanfind;hisballs，yourballs，anybody’sballsthathappentobehandy。Andthencommencesthereturnmatch。Atthispointitisbesttocrouchdownundershelterofthenet。Mostoftheplayersroundaboutadoptthisplan;themoretimidmakefortheclub—house，and，findingthemselvesthere，ordercoffeeandlightupcigarettes。Afterawhilebothplayersappeartobesatisfied。Theotherplayersthengatherroundtoclaimtheirballs。Thismakesagoodgamebyitself。Theobjectistogetasmanyballsasyoucan，yourownandotherpeople’s——forpreferenceotherpeople’s——andrunoffwiththemroundthecourts，followedbywhoopingclaimants。
　　Inthecourseofhalf—an—hourorso，wheneverybodyisdeadbeat，thegame——theoriginalgame——isresumed。Youdemandthescore;yourpartnerpromptlysaysitis"forty—fifteen。"Bothyouropponentsrushuptothenet，andapparentlythereisgoingtobeaduel。Itisonlyafriendlyaltercation;theyverymuchdoubtitsbeing"forty—fifteen。""Fifteen—forty"theycouldbelieve;theysuggestitasacompromise。Thediscussionisconcludedbycallingitdeuce。
　　Asitisrareforagametoproceedwithoutsomesuchincidentoccurringinthemiddleofit，thescoregenerallyisdeuce。Thisavoidsheart—burning;nobodywinsasetandnobodyloses。Theonegamegenerallysufficesfortheafternoon。
　　Totheearnestplayer，itisalsoconfusingtomissyourpartneroccasionally——toturnroundandfindthatheistalkingtoaman。
　　Nobodybutyourselftakestheslightestobjectiontohisabsence。
　　Theothersideappeartoregarditasagoodopportunitytoscore。
　　Fiveminuteslaterheresumesthegame。Hisfriendcomeswithhim，alsothedogofhisfriend。Thedogiswelcomedwithenthusiasm;allballsarereturnedtothedog。Untilthedogistiredyoudonotgetalookin。Butallthiswillnodoubtsoonbechanged。TherearesomeexcellentFrenchandBelgianplayers;fromthemtheircompatriotswillgraduallylearnhigherideals。TheFrenchmanisyounginthegame。Astherightconceptionofthegamegrowsuponhim，hewillalsolearntokeeptheballslower。
　　Isupposeitisthecontinentalsky。Itissoblue，sobeautiful;itnaturallyattractsone。Anyhow，thefactremainsthatmosttennisplayersontheContinent，whetherEnglishorforeign，haveatendencytoaimtheballdirectatHeaven。AtanEnglishclubinSwitzerlandthereexistedinmydaysayoungEnglishmanwhowasreallyawonderfulplayer。Togettheballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Itwashisreturnthatwasweak。Heonlyhadonestroke;theballwentahundredfeetorsointotheairanddescendedinhisopponent’scourt。Theothermanwouldstandwatchingit，alittlespeckintheHeavens，growinggraduallybiggerandbiggerasitnearedtheearth。Newcomerswouldchattertohim，thinkinghehaddetectedaballoonoraneagle。Hewouldwavethemaside，explaintothemthathewouldtalktothemlater，afterthearrivaloftheball。
　　Itwouldfallwithathudathisfeet，riseanothertwentyyardsorsoandagaindescend。Whenitwasattheproperheighthewouldhititbackoverthenet，andthenextmomentitwouldbemountingtheskyagain。AttournamentsIhaveseenthatyoungman，withtearsinhiseyes，pleadingtobegivenanumpire。Everyumpirehadfled。
　　Theyhidbehindtrees，borrowedsilkhatsandumbrellasandpretendedtheywerevisitors——anydevice，howevermean，toavoidthetaskofumpiringforthatyoungman。Providedhisopponentdidnotgotosleeporgetcramp，onegamemightlastallday。Anyonecouldreturnhisballs;but，asIhavesaid，togetaballpasthimwasalmostanimpossibility。Heinvariablywon;theotherman，afteranhourorso，wouldgetmadandtrytolose。Itwashisonlychanceofdinner。
　　Itisaprettysight，generallyspeaking，atennisgroundabroad。
　　Thewomenpaymoreattentiontotheircostumesthandoourladyplayers。Themenareusuallyinspotlesswhite。Thegroundisoftencharminglysituated，theclub—housepicturesque;thereisalwayslaughterandmerriment。Theplaymaynotbesogoodtowatch，butthepictureisdelightful。IaccompaniedamanalittlewhileagotohisclubontheoutskirtsofBrussels。Thegroundwasborderedbyawoodononeside，andsurroundedontheotherthreebypetitesfermes——allotments，asweshouldcalltheminEngland，workedbythepeasantsthemselves。
　　Itwasagloriousspringafternoon。Thecourtswerecrowded。Theredearthandthegreengrassformedabackgroundagainstwhichthewomen，intheirnewParisiantoilets，undertheirbrightparasols，stoodoutlikewondrousbouquetsofmovingflowers。Thewholeatmospherewasadelightfulminglingofidlegaiety，flirtation，andgracefulsensuousness。AmodernWatteauwouldhaveseizeduponthescenewithavidity。
　　Justbeyond——separatedbythealmostinvisiblewirefencing——agroupofpeasantswereworkinginthefield。Anoldwomanandayounggirl，withropesabouttheirshoulders，weredrawingaharrow，guidedbyawitheredoldscarecrowofaman。Theypausedforamomentatthewirefencing，andlookedthrough。Itwasanoddcontrast;thetwoworldsdividedbythatwirefencing——soslight，almostinvisible。
　　Thegirlsweptthesweatfromherfacewithherhand;thewomanpushedbackhergreylocksunderneaththehandkerchiefknottedaboutherhead;theoldmanstraightenedhimselfwithsomedifficulty。Sotheystood，forperhapsaminute，gazingwithquiet，passionlessfacesthroughthatslightfencing，thatapushfromtheirwork—
　　hardenedhandsmighthavelevelled。
　　Wasthereanythought，Iwonder，passingthroughtheirbrains？Theyounggirl——shewasahandsomecreatureinspiteofherdisfiguringgarments。Thewoman——itwasawonderfullyfineface：clear，calmeyes，deep—setunderasquarebroadbrow。Thewitheredoldscarecrow——eversowingtheseedinthespringofthefruitthatothersshalleat。
　　Theoldmanbentagainovertheguidingropes：gavetheword。Theteammovedforwardupthehill。ItisAnatoleFrance，Ithink，whosays：Societyisbaseduponthepatienceofthepoor。
　　AREEARLYMARRIAGESAMISTAKE？
　　IamcharynowadaysofofferingcounselinconnectionwithsubjectsconcerningwhichIamnotandcannotbeanauthority。LongagoI
　　oncetookuponmyselftowriteapaperaboutbabies。Itdidnotaimtobeatextbookonthesubject。Itdidnotevenclaimtoexhaustthetopic。Iwaswillingthatothers，comingafterme，shouldcontinuetheargument——thatisif，uponreflection，theywerestillofopiniontherewasanythingmoretobesaid。Iwaspleasedwiththearticle。Iwentoutofmywaytoobtainanearlycopyofthemagazineinwhichitappeared，onpurposetoshowittoaladyfriendofmine。Shewasthepossessorofoneortwobabiesofherown，specimensinnowayremarkable，thoughsheherself，aswasnaturalenough，didherbesttoboomthem。Ithoughtitmightbehelpfultoher：theviewsandobservations，notofarivalfancier，whowouldbeprejudiced，butofanintelligentamateur。Iputthemagazineintoherhands，openedattheproperplace。
　　"Readitthroughcarefullyandquietly，"Isaid;"don’tletanythingdistractyou。Haveapencilandabitofpaperreadyatyourside，andnotedownanypointsuponwhichyouwouldlikefurtherinformation。IfthereisanythingyouthinkIhavemissedoutletmeknow。Itmaybethathereandthereyouwillbedisagreeingwithme。
　　Ifso，donothesitatetomentionit，Ishallnotbeangry。IfademandarisesIshallverylikelyissueanenlargedandimprovededitionofthispaperintheformofapamphlet，inwhichcasehintsandsuggestionsthattoyoumayappearalmostimpertinentwillbeofdistincthelptome。"
　　"Ihaven’tgotapencil，"shesaid;"what’sitallabout？"
　　"It’saboutbabies，"Iexplained，andIlentherapencil。
　　ThatisanotherthingIhavelearnt。Neverlendapenciltoawomanifyoueverwanttoseeitagain。Shehasthreeanswerstoyourrequestforitsreturn。Thefirst，thatshegaveitbacktoyouandthatyouputitinyourpocket，andthatit’stherenow，andthatifitisn’titoughttobe。Thesecond，thatyouneverlentittoher。
　　Thethird，thatshewishespeoplewouldnotlendherpencilsandthenclamourforthemback，justwhenshehassomethingelsefarmoreimportanttothinkabout。
　　"Whatdoyouknowaboutbabies？"shedemanded。
　　"Ifyouwillreadthepaper，"Ireplied，"youwillseeforyourself。
　　It’sallthere。"
　　Sheflickedoverthepagescontemptuously。
　　"Theredoesn’tseemmuchofit？"sheretorted。
　　"Itiscondensed，"Ipointedouttoher。
　　"Iamgladitisshort。Allright，I’llreadit，"sheagreed。
　　Ithoughtmypresencemightdisturbher，sowentoutintothegarden。
　　Iwantedhertogetthefullbenefitofit。Icreptbacknowandagaintopeepthroughtheopenwindow。Shedidnotseemtobemakingmanynotes。ButIheardhermakinglittlenoisestoherself。WhenI
　　sawshehadreachedthelastpage，Ire—enteredtheroom。
　　"Well？"Isaid。
　　"Isitmeanttobefunny，"shedemanded，"orisitintendedtobetakenseriously？"
　　"Theremaybeflashesofhumourhereandthere——"
　　Shedidnotwaitformetofinish。
　　"Becauseifit’smeanttobefunny，"shesaid，"Idon’tthinkitisatallfunny。Andifitisintendedtobeserious，there’sonethingveryclear，andthatisthatyouarenotamother。"
　　Withtheunerringinstinctoftheborncriticshehaddivinedmyoneweakpoint。OtherobjectionsraisedagainstmeIcouldhavemet。
　　Butthatonestingingreproachwasunanswerable。Ithasmademe，asIhaveexplained，charyoftenderingadviceonmattersoutsidemyowndepartmentoflife。Otherwise，everyyear，aboutValentine’sday，thereismuchthatIshouldliketosaytomygoodfriendsthebirds。
　　Iwanttoputittothemseriously。IsnotthemonthofFebruaryjustalittletooearly？Ofcourse，theiranswerwouldbethesameasinthecaseofmymotherlyfriend。
　　"Oh，whatdoyouknowaboutit？youarenotabird。"
　　IknowIamnotabird，butthatistheveryreasonwhytheyshouldlistentome。Ibringafreshmindtobearuponthesubject。Iamnottieddownbybirdconvention。February，mydearfriends——inthesenorthernclimesofoursatallevents——ismuchtooearly。Youhavetobuildinahighwind，andnothing，believeme，triesalady’stempermorethanbeingblownabout。Natureisnature，andwomenfolk，mydearsirs，arethesamealltheworldover，whethertheybebirdsorwhethertheybehuman。Iamanolderpersonthanmostofyou，andIspeakwiththeweightofexperience。
　　IfIweregoingtobuildahousewithmywife，Ishouldnotchooseaseasonoftheyearwhenthebricksandplanksandthingswereliabletobetornoutofherhand，herskirtsblownoverherhead，andsheleftclingingfordearlifetoascaffoldingpole。Iknowthefemininebipedand，youtakeitfromme，thatisnothernotionofahoneymoon。InAprilorMay，thesunshining，theairbalmy——when，aftercarryinguptoheraloadortwoofbricks，andahodortwoofmortar，wecouldknockoffworkforafewminuteswithoutfearofthewholehousebeingsweptawayintothenextstreet——couldsitsidebysideonthetopofawall，ourlegsdanglingdown，andpeckandmorseltogether;afterwhichIcouldwhistleabittoher——thenhousebuildingmightbeapleasure。
　　Theswallowsarewisest;Juneistheiridea，andaverygoodidea，too。InamountainvillageintheTyrol，earlyonesummer，Ihadtheopportunityofwatchingverycloselythebuildingofaswallow’snest。Aftercoffee，thefirstmorning，Isteppedoutfromthegreat，cool，darkpassageofthewirtschaftintotheblazingsunlight，and，fornoparticularreason，pulled—tothemassivedoorbehindme。
　　Whilefillingmypipe，aswallowalmostbrushedbyme，thenwheeledroundagain，andtookupapositiononthefenceonlyafewyardsfromme。Hewascarryingwhattohimwasanexceptionallylargeandheavybrick。Heputitdownbesidehimonthefence，andcalledoutsomethingwhichIcouldnotunderstand。Ididnotmove。Hegotquiteexcitedandsaidsomemore。Itwasundoubtablehewasaddressingme——nobodyelsewasby。Ijudgedfromhistonethathewasgettingcrosswithme。Atthispointmytravellingcompanion，histoiletunfinished，puthisheadoutofthewindowjustaboveme。
　　"Suchanoddthing，"hecalleddowntome。"Inevernoticeditlastnight。Apairofswallowsarebuildinganesthereinthehall。
　　You’vegottobecarefulyoudon’tmistakeitforahat—peg。Theoldladysaystheyhavebuiltthereregularlyforthelastthreeyears。"
　　Thenitcametomewhatitwasthegentlemanhadbeensayingtome：
　　"Isay，sir，youwiththebitofwoodinyourmouth，youhavebeenandshutthedoorandIcan’tgetin。"
　　Now，withthekeyinmypossession，itwassoclearandunderstandable，Ireallyforgotforthemomenthewasonlyabird。
　　"Ibegyourpardon，"Ireplied，"Ihadnoidea。Suchanextraordinaryplacetobuildanest。"
　　Iopenedthedoorforhim，and，takinguphisbrickagain，heentered，andIfollowedhimin。Therewasadealoftalk。
　　"Heshutthedoor，"Iheardhimsay，"Chapthere，suckingthebitofwood。ThoughtIwasnevergoingtogetin。"
　　"Iknow，"wastheanswer;"ithasbeensodarkinhere，ifyou’llbelieveme，I’vehardlybeenabletoseewhatI’vebeendoing。"
　　"Finebrick，isn’tit？Wherewillyouhaveit？"
　　Observingmesittingthere，theyloweredtheirvoices。Evidentlyshewantedhimtoputthebrickdownandleavehertothink。Shewasnotquitesurewhereshewouldhaveit。He，ontheotherhand，wassurehehadfoundtherightplaceforit。Hepointeditouttoherandexplainedhisviews。Otherbirdsquarrelagooddealduringnestbuilding，butswallowsarethegentlestoflittlepeople。Shelethimputitwherehewantedto，andhekissedherandranout。Shecockedhereyeafterhim，watchedtillhewasoutofsight，thendeftlyandquicklyslippeditoutandfixedittheothersideofthedoor。
　　"Poordears"（Icouldseeitinthetossofherhead）;"theywillthinktheyknowbest;itisjustaswellnottoarguewiththem。"
　　EverysummerIsuffermuchfromindignation。Ilovetowatchtheswallowsbuilding。Theybuildbeneaththeeavesoutsidemystudywindow。Suchcheerfullittlechatter—boxestheyare。Longaftersunset，whenalltheotherbirdsaresleeping，theswallowsstillarechatteringsoftly。Itsoundsasiftheyweretellingoneanothersomeprettystory，andoftenIamsuretheremustbehumourinit，foreverynowandthenonehearsalittletwitteringlaugh。I
　　delightinhavingthemthere，soclosetome。Thefancycomestomethatoneday，whenmybrainhasgrownmorecunning，I，too，listeninginthetwilight，shallhearthestoriesthattheytell。
　　OneortwophrasesalreadyIhavecometounderstand："Onceuponatime"——"Long，longago"——"Inastrange，far—offland。"Ihearthesewordssoconstantly，IamsureIhavethemright。Icallit"SwallowStreet，"thisrowofsixorsevennests。Twoorthree，likevillasintheirowngrounds，standalone，andothersaresemi—detached。Itmakesmeangrythatthesparrowswillcomeandstealthem。Thesparrowswillhangaboutdeliberatelywaitingforapairofswallowstofinishtheirnest，andthen，withabrutallaughthatmakesmybloodboil，drivetheswallowsawayandtakepossessionofit。Andtheswallowsaresowonderfullypatient。
　　"Nevermind，oldgirl，"saysTommySwallow，afterthefirstbigcryisover，toJennySwallow，"let’stryagain。"
　　Andhalfanhourlater，fulloffreshplans，theyarechoosinganotherlikelysite，chatteringcheerfullyoncemore。Iwatchedthebuildingofaparticularnestfornearlyafortnightoneyear;andwhen，aftertwoorthreedays’absence，Ireturnedandfoundapairofsparrowscomfortablyencsoncedtherein，Ijustfeltmad。IsawMrs。Sparrowlookingout。Maybemyangerwasworkinguponmyimagination，butitseemedtomethatshenoddedtome：
　　"Nicelittlehouse，ain’tit？WhatIcallwellbuilt。"
　　Mr。Sparrowthenflewupwithagaudyfeather，dyedblue，whichbelongedtome。Irecognisedit。Ithadcomeoutofthebrushwithwhichthegirlbreaksthechinaornamentsinourdrawing—room。AtanyothertimeIshouldhavebeengladtoseehimflyingoffwiththewholething，handleincluded。ButnowIfeltthetheftofthatonefeatherasanaddedinjury。Mrs。Sparrowchirpedwithdelightatsightofthegaudymonstrosity。Havinggotthehousecheap，theyweregoingtospendtheirsmallamountofenergyuponinternaldecoration。Thatwastheirideaclearly，a"Libertyinterior。"ShelookedmorelikeaCockneysparrowthanacountryone——hadbeenbornandbredinRegentStreet，nodoubt。
　　"Thereisnotmuchjusticeinthisworld，"saidItomyself;"butthere’sgoingtobesomeintroducedintothisbusiness——thatis，ifI
　　canfindaladder。"
　　Ididfindaladder，andfortunatelyitwaslongenough。Mr。andMrs。SparrowwereoutwhenIarrived，possiblyonthehuntforcheapphotoframesandJapanesefans。Ididnotwanttomakeamess。I
　　removedthehouseneatlyintoadust—pan，andwipedthestreetclearofeverytraceofit。IhadjustputbacktheladderwhenMrs。
　　Sparrowreturnedwithapieceofpinkcotton—woolinhermouth。Thatwasherideaofacolourscheme：apple—blossompinkandReckitt’sbluesidebyside。Shedroppedherwoolandsatonthewaterspout，andtriedtounderstandthings。
　　"Numberone，numbertwo，numberfour;wheretheblazes"——sparrowsareessentiallycommon，andthewomenareasbadasthemen——"isnumberthree？"
　　Mr。Sparrowcameupfrombehind，overtheroof。Hewascarryingapieceofyellow—fluff，partofalamp—shade，asfarasIcouldjudge。
　　"Moveyourself，"hesaid，"what’sthesenseofsittingthereintherain？"
　　"Iwentoutjustforamoment，"repliedMrs。Sparrow;"Icouldnothavebeengone，no，notacoupleofminutes。WhenIcameback——"
　　"Oh，getindoors，"saidMr。Sparrow，"talkaboutitthere。"
　　"It’swhatI’mtellingyou，"continuedMrs。Sparrow，"ifyouwouldonlylisten。Thereisn’tanydoor，thereisn’tanyhouse——"
　　"Isn’tany——"Mr。Sparrow，holdingontotherimofthespout，turnedhimselftopsy—turvyandsurveyedthestreet。FromwhereIwasstandingbehindthelaurelbushesIcouldseenothingbuthisback。
　　Hestoodupagain，lookingangryandflushed。
　　"Whathaveyoudonewiththehouse？Can’tIturnmybackaminute——"
　　"Iain’tdonenothingwithit。AsIkeepontellingyou，Ihadonlyjustgone——"
　　"Oh，botherwhereyouhadgone。Where’sthedarnedhousegone？
　　that’swhatIwanttoknow。"
　　Theylookedatoneanother。Ifeverastonishmentwasexpressedintheattitudeofabirditwastoldbythetailsofthosetwosparrows。Theywhisperedwickedlytogether。Theideaoccurredtothemthatbyforceorcunningtheymightperhapsobtainpossessionofoneoftheothernests。Butalltheothernestswereoccupied，andevengentleJennySwallow，onceinherownhomewiththechildrenroundabouther，isnottobetrifledwith。Mr。Sparrowcalledatnumbertwo，puthisheadinatthedoor，andthenreturnedtothewaterspout。
　　"Ladysayswedon’tlivethere，"heexplainedtoMrs。Sparrow。Therewassilenceforawhile。
　　"NotwhatIcallaclassystreet，"commentedMrs。Sparrow。
　　"Ifitwerenotforthatterribletiredfeelingofmine，"saidMr。
　　Sparrow，"blameifIwouldn’tbuildahouseofmyown。"
　　"Perhaps，"saidMrs。Sparrow，"——Ihavehearditsaidthatalittlebitofwork，nowandthen，doesyougood。"
　　"Allsortsofwildideasaboutintheairnowadays，"saidMr。
　　Sparrow，"itdon’tdotolistentoeverybody。"
　　"Anditdon’tdotositstillanddonothingneither，"snappedMrs。
　　Sparrow。"Idon’twanttohavetoforgetI’malady，but——well，anymanwhowasamanwouldseethingsforhimself。"
　　"WhydidIeverymarry？"retortedMr。Sparrow。
　　Theyflewawaytogether，quarrelling。
　　DOWRITERSWRITETOOMUCH？
　　Onanewspaperplacard，theotherday，Isawannouncedanewnovelbyacelebratedauthor。Iboughtacopyofthepaper，andturnedeagerlytothelastpage。IwasdisappointedtofindthatIhadmissedthefirstsixchapters。ThestoryhadcommencedthepreviousSaturday;thiswasFriday。IsayIwasdisappointedandsoIwas，atfirst。Butmydisappointmentdidnotlastlong。Thebrightandintelligentsub—editor，accordingtothecustomnowinvogue，hadprovidedmewithashortsynopsisofthosefirstsixchapters，sothatwithoutthetroubleofreadingthemIknewwhattheywereallabout。
　　"Thefirstinstalment，"Ilearned，"introducesthereadertoabrilliantanddistinguishedcompany，assembledinthedrawing—roomofLadyMary’smaisonetteinParkStreet。Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin。"
　　Iknowthat"smarttalk"sowell。HadInotbeenluckyenoughtomissthatfirstchapterIshouldhavehadtolistentoitonceagain。
　　Possibly，hereandthere，itmighthavebeennewtome，butitwouldhaveread，Iknow，soveryliketheold。Adear，sweetwhite—hairedladyofmyacquaintanceisneversurprisedatanythingthathappens。
　　"Somethingverymuchofthesamekindoccurred，"shewillremember，"onewinterwhenwewerestayinginBrighton。Onlyonthatoccasiontheman’sname，Ithink，wasRobinson。"
　　Wedonotlivenewstories——norwritethemeither。Theman’snameintheoldstorywasRobinson，wealterittoJones。Ithappened，intheoldforgottentale，atBrighton，inthewintertime;wechangeittoEastbourne，inthespring。Itisnewandoriginal——tothosewhohavenotheard"somethingverylikeit"oncebefore。
　　"Muchsmarttalkisindulgedin，"sothesub—editorhasexplained。
　　Thereisabsolutelynoneedtoaskformorethanthat。ThereisaDuchesswhosaysimproperthings。Oncesheusedtoshockme。ButI
　　knowhernow。Sheisreallyanicewoman;shedoesn’tmeanthem。
　　Andwhentheheroineisintrouble，towardsthemiddleofthebook，sheisjustasamusingonthesideofvirtue。Thenthereisayoungerladywhosespecialityisproverbs。Apparentlywhenevershehearsaproverbshewritesitdownandstudiesitwiththeideaofseeingintohowmanydifferentformsitcanbetwisted。Itlooksclever;asamatteroffact，itisextremelyeasy。
　　Bevirtuousandyouwillbehappy。
　　Shejotsdownallthepossiblevariations：Bevirtuousandyouwillbeunhappy。
　　"Toosimplethatone，"shetellsherself。Bevirtuousandyourfriendswillbehappyifyouarenot。
　　"Better，butnotwickedenough。Letusthinkagain。Behappyandpeoplewilljumptotheconclusionthatyouarevirtuous。
　　"That’sgood，I’lltrythatoneatto—morrow’sparty。"
　　Sheisapainstakinglady。Onefeelsthat，betteradvised，shemighthavebeenofuseintheworld。
　　ThereislikewiseadisgracefuloldPeerwhotellsnaughtystories，butwhoisgoodatheart;andonepersonsoveryrudethatthewonderiswhoinvitedhim。
　　Occasionallyaslangygirlisincluded，andaclergyman，whotakestheheroineasideandtalkssensetoher，flavouredwithepigram。
　　AllthesepeoplechatteramixtureofLordChesterfieldandOliverWendellHolmes，ofHeine，Voltaire，MadamedeStael，andthelatelamentedH。J。Byron。"Howtheydoitbeatsme，"asIonceoverheardatamusichallastoutladyconfesstoherfriendwhilewitnessingtheperformanceofaclevertroup，stylingthemselves"TheBonelessWondersoftheUniverse。"
　　Thesynopsisaddedthat："UrsulaBart，acharmingandunsophisticatedyoungAmericangirlpossessedofanelusiveexpressionmakesherfirstacquaintancewithLondonsociety。"
　　Hereyouhaveaweek’sunnecessaryworkonthepartoftheauthorboileddowntoitsessentials。Shewasyoung。Onehardlyexpectsanelderlyheroine。The"young"mighthavebeendispensedwith，especiallyseeingitistoldusthatshewasagirl。Butmaybethisiscarping。Thereareyounggirlsandoldgirls。Perhapsitisaswelltohaveitinblackandwhite;shewasyoung。ShewasanAmericanyounggirl。ThereisbutoneAmericanyounggirlinEnglishfiction。Weknowbyhearttheunconventionalthingsthatshewilldo，thestartlinglyoriginalthingsthatshewillsay，thefreshilluminatingthoughtsthatwillcometoheras，cladinalooserobeofsomesoftclingingstuff，shesitsbeforethefire，inthesolitudeofherownroom。
　　Tocompletehershehadan"elusiveexpression。"Thedayswhenweusedtocataloguetheheroine’s"points"arepast。Formerlyitwaspossible。Amanwroteperhapssomehalf—a—dozennovelsduringthewholecourseofhiscareer。Hecouldhaveadarkgirlforthefirst，alightgirlforthesecond，sketchamerrylittlewenchforthethird，anddrawyousomethingstatelyforthefourth。Fortheremainingtwohecouldgoabroad。Nowadays，whenamanturnsoutanovelandsixshortstoriesonceayear，descriptionhastobedispensedwith。Itisnotthewriter’sfault。Thereisnotsufficientvarietyinthesex。Weusedtointroduceherthus：
　　"Imaginetoyourself，dearreader，anexquisiteandgraciouscreatureoffivefeetthree。Hergoldenhairofthatpeculiarshade"——herewouldfollowdirectionsenablingthereadertoworkitoutforhimself。Hewastopoursomeparticularwineintosomeparticularsortofglass，andwaveitaboutbeforesomeparticularsortofalight。Orhewastogetupatfiveo’clockonaMarchmorningandgointoawood。Inthiswayhecouldsatisfyhimselfastotheparticularshadeofgoldtheheroine’shairmighthappentobe。Ifhewereacarelessorlazyreaderhecouldsavehimselftimeandtroublebytakingtheauthor’swordforit。Manyofthemdid。
　　"Hereyes！"Theywereinvariablydeepandliquid。Theyhadtobeprettydeeptoholdalltheoddsandendsthatwerehiddeninthem;
　　sunlightandshadow，mischief，unsuspectedpossibilities，assortedemotions，strangewildyearnings。Anythingwedidn’tknowwhereelsetoputwesaidwashiddeninhereyes。
　　"Hernose！"Youcouldhavemadeitforyourselfoutofapen’orthofputtyafterreadingourdescriptionofit。
　　"Herforehead！"Itwasalways"lowandbroad。"Idon’tknowwhyitwasalwayslow。Maybebecausetheintellectualheroinewasnotthenpopular。ForthematterofthatIdoubtifshebereallypopularnow。Thebrainlessdoll，onefears，willcontinueformanyyearstocometobeman’sidealwoman——andwoman’sidealofherselfforpreciselythesameperiod，onemaybesure。
　　"Herchin！"Alessdegreeofvarietywaspermissibleinherchin。
　　Ithadtobeatananglesuggestiveofpiquancy，andithadtocontainatleastthesuspicionofadimple。
　　Toproperlyunderstandhercomplexionyouwereexpectedtoprovideyourselfwithacollectionofassortedfruitsandflowers。Thereareseasonsintheyearwhenitmusthavebeendifficultfortheconscientiousreadertohavemadesureofhercomplexion。Possiblyitwasforthispurposethatwaxflowersandfruit，carefullykeptfromthedustunderglasscases，werecommonobjectsinformertimesuponthetablesofthecultured。
　　Nowadayswecontentourselves——andourreadersalso，Iaminclinedtothink——withdashingheroffinafewboldstrokes。Wesaythatwheneversheenteredaroomtherecametoonedreamsofanoldworldgarden，thesoundoffar—offbells。Orthatherpresencebroughtwithitthescentofhollyhocksandthyme。AsamatteroffactI
　　don’tthinkhollyhocksdosmell。Itisasmallpoint;aboutsuchwedonottroubleourselves。InthecaseofthehomelytypeofgirlI
　　don’tseewhyweshouldnotborrowMr。Pickwick’sexpression，anddefineherbysayingthatinsomesubtlewayshealwayscontrivedtosuggestanodourofchopsandtomatosauce。
　　Ifwedesiretobeexactwemention，asthisparticularauthorseemstohavedone，thatshehadan"elusiveexpression，"orapenetratingfragrance。Orwesaythatshemoved，thecentreofanindefinablenuance。
　　Butitisnotpolicytobindoneselftoocloselytodetail。Awisefriendofmine，whoknowshisbusiness，describeshisheroinvariablyinthevaguestterms。Hewillnoteventellyouwhetherthemanistallorshort，cleanshavenorbearded。
　　"Makethefellownice，"ishisadvice。"Leteverywomanreaderpicturehimtoherselfasherparticularman。Theneverythinghesaysanddoesbecomesofimportancetoher。Sheiscarefulnottomissaword。"
　　Forthesamereasonheseestoitthathisheroinehasabitofeverygirlinher。Generallyspeaking，sheisacrossbetweenRomolaandDoraCopperfield。Hisnovelscommandenormoussales。Thewomensayhedrawsamantothelife，butdoesnotseemtoknowmuchaboutwomen。Themenlikehiswomen，butthinkhismenstupid。
　　Ofanotherfamousauthornowomanofmyacquaintanceisabletospeaktoohighly。Theytellmehisknowledgeoftheirsexissimplymarvellous，hisinsight，hisunderstandingofthemalmostuncanny。
　　Thinkingitmightproveuseful，Imadeanexhaustivestudyofhisbooks。InoticedthathiswomenwerewithoutexceptionbrilliantcharmingcreaturespossessedofthewitofaLadyWortlayMontagu，combinedwiththewisdomofaGeorgeEliot。Theywerenotallofthemgoodwomen，butallofthemwerecleverandallofthemwerefascinating。Icametotheconclusionthathisladycriticswerecorrect：hedidunderstandwomen。Buttoreturntooursynopsis。
　　Thesecondchapter，itappeared，transportedustoYorkshirewhere：
　　"BasilLongleat，atypicalyoungEnglishman，latelyhomefromcollege，resideswithhiswidowedmotherandtwosisters。Theyareadelightfulfamily。"
　　Whataworldoftroubletobothwriterandtoreaderisheresaved。
　　"AtypicalyoungEnglishman！"Theauthorprobablywrotefivepages，elaborating。Thefivewordsofthesub—editorpresenthimtomemorevividly。Iseehimpositivelyglisteningfromtheeffectsofsoapandwater。Iseehisclearblueeye;hisfaircrisplocks，thenaturalcurlinessofwhichannoyshimpersonally，thoughalluringtoeverybodyelse;hisfrankwinningsmile。Heis"latelyhomefromcollege。"Thattellsmethatheisafirst—classcricketer;afirst—
　　classoar;thatasahalf—backheisincomparable;thatheswimslikeCaptainWebb;isinthefirstrankoftennisplayers;thathishalf—
　　volleyatping—ponghasneverbeenstopped。Itdoesn’ttellmemuchabouthisbrainpower。Thedescriptionofhimasa"typicalyoungEnglishman"suggestsmoreinformationonthisparticularpoint。OneassumesthattheAmericangirlwiththeelusiveexpressionisgoingtohavesufficientforboth。
　　"Theyareadelightfulfamily。"Thesub—editordoesnotsayso，butIimaginethetwosistersarelikewisetypicalyoungEnglishwomen。
　　Theyrideandshootandcookandmaketheirowndresses，havecommonsenseandloveajoke。
　　Thethirdchapteris"takenupwiththehumoursofalocalcricketmatch。"
　　Thankyou，Mr。Sub—editor。IfeelIoweyougratitude。
　　Inthefourth，UrsulaBart（Iwasbeginningtogetanxiousabouther）
　　turnsupagain。SheisstayingattheusefulLadyMary’splaceinYorkshire。ShemeetsBasilbyaccidentonemorningwhileridingalone。ThatistheadvantageofhavinganAmericangirlforyourheroine。LiketheBritisharmy：itgoesanywhereanddoesanything。
　　InchapterfiveBasilandUrsulameetagain;thistimeatapicnic。
　　Thesub—editordoesnotwishtorepeathimself，otherwisehepossiblywouldhavesummedupchapterfivebysayingitwas"takenupwiththehumoursoftheusualpicnic。"
　　Inchaptersixsomethinghappens：
　　"Basil，returninghomeinthetwilight，comesacrossUrsulaBart，inalonelypointofthemoor，talkingearnestlytoarough—lookingstranger。Hisapproachoverthesoftturfbeingunnoticed，hecannothelpoverhearingUrsula’spartingwordstotheforbidding—lookingstranger：’Imustseeyouagain！To—morrownightathalf—pastnine！
　　Inthegatewayoftheruinedabbey！’Whoishe？AndwhymustUrsulaseehimagainatsuchanhour，insuchaspot？"
　　Sohere，atcostofreadingtwentylines，Iamlanded，sotospeak，atthebeginningoftheseventhchapter。Whydon’tIsettoworktoreadit？Thesub—editorhasspoiledme。
　　"Youreadit，"Iwanttosaytohim。"Tellmeto—morrowmorningwhatitisallabout。Whowasthisbounder？WhyshouldUrsulawanttoseehimagain？Whychooseadraughtyplace？Whyhalf—pastnineo’clockatnight，whichmusthavebeenanawkwardtimeforbothofthem——likelytoleadtotalk？WhyshouldIwadethoughthisseventhchapterofthreecolumnsandahalf？It’syourwork。Whatareyoupaidfor？"
　　Myfearislestthissortofthingshallleadtoademandonthepartofthepublicforcondensednovels。Whatbusymanisgoingtospendaweekofeveningsreadingabookwhenanicekindsub—editorispreparedinfiveminutestotellhimwhatitisallabout！
　　Thentherewillcomeaday——Ifeelit——whenthebusiness—likeEditorwillsaytohimself："Whatinthunderisthesenseofmypayingonemantowriteastoryofsixtythousandwordsandanothermantoreaditandtellitagaininsixteenhundred！"
　　Weshallbeexpectedtowriteournovelsinchaptersnotexceedingtwentywords。Ourshortstorieswillbereducedtotheformula：
　　"Littleboy。Pairofskates。Brokenice，Heaven’sgates。"Formerlyanauthor，commissionedtosupplyachild’stragedyofthisgenreforaChristmasnumber，wouldhavespunitoutintofivethousandwords。
　　Personally，Ishouldhavecommencedthepreviousspring——giventhereaderthesummerandautumntogetaccustomedtotheboy。Hewouldhavebeenagoodboy;thesortofboythatmakesabee—lineforthethinnestice。Hewouldhavelivedinacottage。Icouldhavespreadthatcottageovertwopages;thethingsthatgrewinthegarden，theviewfromthefrontdoor。YouwouldhaveknownthatboybeforeIhaddonewithhim——feltyouhadknownhimallyourlife。Hisquaintsayings，hischildishthoughts，hisgreatlongingswouldhavebeenimpresseduponyou。Thefathermighthavehadadashofhumourinhim，themother’searlygirlhoodwouldhavelentitselftoprettywriting。Fortheicewewouldhavehadamysteriouslakeinthewood，saidtobehaunted。Theboywouldhavelovedo’twilightstostanduponitsmargin。Hewouldhaveheardstrangevoicescallingtohim。Youwouldhavefeltthethingwascoming。
　　Somuchmighthavebeendone。WhenIthinkofthatplotwastedinninewordsitmakesmepositivelyangry。
　　Andwhatistobecomeofuswritersifthisistobethenewfashioninliterature？Wearepaidbythelengthofourmanuscriptatratesfromhalf—a—crownathousandwords，andupwards。InthecaseoffellowslikeDoyleandKiplingIamtolditrunsintopounds。Howarewetoliveonnovelstheserialrightsofwhichtomostofuswillworkoutatfourandnine—pence。
　　Itcan’tbedone。Itisnogoodtellingmeyoucanseenoreasonwhyweshouldlive。Thatisnoanswer。I’mtalkingplainbusiness。
　　Andwhataboutbook—rights？Whoisgoingtobuynovelsofthreepages？Theywillhavetobeprintedasleafletsandsoldatapennyadozen。MarieCorelliandHallCaine——ifallIhearaboutthemistrue——willpossiblymaketheirtenortwelveshillingsaweek。Butwhatabouttherestofus？Thisthingisworryingme。
　　SHOULDSOLDIERSBEPOLITE？
　　MydesirewasoncetopassapeacefulandpleasantwinterinBrussels，attendingtomywork，improvingmymind。Brusselsisabrightandcheerfultown，andIthinkIcouldhavesucceededhaditnotbeenfortheBelgianArmy。TheBelgianArmywouldfollowmeaboutandworryme。Judgingofitfrommyownexperience，Ishouldsayitwasagoodarmy。Napoleonlaiditdownasanaxiomthatyourenemyneveroughttobepermittedtogetawayfromyou——neveroughttobeallowedtofeel，evenforamoment，thathehadshakenyouoff。
　　WhattacticstheBelgianArmymightadoptunderotherconditionsIamunabletosay，butagainstmepersonallythatwastheplanofcampaignitdetermineduponandcarriedoutwithasuccessthatwasastonishing，eventomyself。
　　IfounditutterlyimpossibletoescapefromtheBelgianArmy。I
　　madeapointofchoosingthequietestandmostunlikelystreets，I
　　choseallhours——earlyinthemorning，intheafternoon，lateintheevening。ThereweremomentsofwildexaltationwhenIimaginedIhadgivenittheslip。Icouldnotseeitanywhere，Icouldnothearit。
　　"Now，"saidItomyself，"nowforfiveminutes’peaceandquiet。"
　　Ihadbeendoingitinjustice：ithadbeenworkingroundme。
　　Approachingthenextcorner，Iwouldhearthetattooofitsdrum。
　　BeforeIhadgoneanotherquarterofamileitwouldbeinfullpursuitofme。Iwouldjumpuponatram，andtravelformiles。
　　Then，thinkingIhadshakenitoff，Iwouldalightandproceeduponmywalk。Fiveminuteslateranotherdetachmentwouldbeuponmyheels。Iwouldslinkhome，theBelgianArmypursuingmewithitsexultanttattoo。Vanquished，shamed，myinsularprideforevervanished，Iwouldcreepupintomyroomandclosethedoor。ThevictoriousBelgianArmywouldthenmarchbacktobarracks。
　　Ifonlyithadfollowedmewithaband：Ilikeaband。Icanloafagainstapost，listeningtoabandwithanyone。Ishouldnothavemindedsomuchhaditcomeaftermewithaband。ButtheBelgianArmy，apparently，doesn’truntoaband。Ithasnothingbutthisdrum。Ithasnotevenarealdrum——notwhatIcalladrum。Itisalittleboy’sdrum，thesortofthingIusedtoplaymyselfatonetime，untilpeopletookitawayfromme，andthreatenedthatiftheyhearditonceagainthatdaytheywouldbreakitovermyownhead。
　　Itiscowardlygoingupanddown，playingadrumofthissort，whenthereisnobodytostopyou。Themanwouldnotdaretodoitifhismotherwasabout。Hedoesnotevenplayit。Hewalksalongtappingitwithalittlestick。There’snotune，there’snosenseinit。Hedoesnotevenkeeptime。Iusedtothinkatfirst，hearingitinthedistance，thatitwastheworkofsomeyounggaminwhooughttobeatschool，ormakinghimselfusefultakingthebabyoutintheperambulator：andIwoulddrawbackintodarkdoorways，determined，ashecameby，todartoutandpullhisearforhim。Tomyastonishment——forthefirstweek——IlearntitwastheBelgianArmy，gettingitselfaccustomed，onesupposes，tothehorrorsofwar。Ithadtheeffectofmakingmeapeace—at—any—priceman。
　　TheytellmethesearmiesarenecessarytopreservethetranquilityofEurope。Formyself，Ishouldbewillingtoruntheriskofanoccasionalrow。Cannotsomeonetellthemtheyareoutofdate，withtheirbitsoffeathersandtheiroddsandendsofironmongery——grownmenthatcannotbesentoutforawalkunlessaccompaniedbyacoupleofnursemen，blowingatinwhistleandtappingadrumoutofatoyshoptokeeptheminorderandpreventtheirrunningabout：onemightthinktheywerechickens。Aherdofsoldierswiththeirpotsandpansandparcels，andalltheirdeadlythingstiedontothem，prancingaboutintimetoatune，makesmethinkalwaysoftheWhiteKnightthatAlicemetinWonderland。Itakeitthatforpracticalpurposes——tofightforyourcountry，ortofightforsomebodyelse’scountry，whichis，generallyspeaking，morepopular——thethingessentialisthatacertainproportionofthepopulaceshouldbeabletoshootstraightwithagun。Howstandinginalineandturningoutyourtoesisgoingtoassistyou，undermodernconditionsofwarfare，isoneofthemanythingsmyintellectisincapableofgrasping。
　　Inmediaevaldays，whenmenfoughthandtohand，theremusthavebeenadvantageincombinedandprecisemovement。Whenarmiesweremereironmachines，thesimpleendeavourofeachbeingtopushtheotherofftheearth，thenthestrikingsimultaneouslywithathousandarmswaspartofthegame。Now，whenweshootfrombehindcoverwithsmokelesspowder，brainnotbruteforce——individualsensenotcombinedsolidityissurelytheresulttobeaimedat。Cannotsomebody，asIhavesuggested，explaintothemilitarymanthattheproperplaceforthedrillsergeantnowadaysisunderaglasscaseinsomemuseumofantiquities？
　　IlivedonceneartheHydeParkbarracks，andsawmuchofthedrillsergeant’smethod。Generallyspeaking，heisastoutmanwiththewalkofanegotisticalpigeon。Hisvoiceisoneofthemostextraordinarythingsinnature：ifyoucandistinguishitfromthebarkofadog，youareclever。Theytellmethattheprivates，afteralittlepractice，can——whichgivesoneahigheropinionoftheirintelligencethanotherwiseonemightform。ButmyselfIdoubteventhisstatement。IwastheownerofafineretrieverdogaboutthetimeofwhichIamspeaking，andsometimesheandIwouldamuseourselvesbywatchingMr。Sergeantexercisinghissquad。Onemorninghehadbeenshoutingouttheusual"Whough，whough，whough！"forabouttenminutes，andallhadhithertogonewell。Suddenly，andevidentlytohisintenseastonishment，thesquadturnedtheirbacksuponhimandcommencedtowalktowardstheSerpentine。
　　"Halt！"yelledthesergeant，theinstanthisamazedindignationpermittedhimtospeak，whichfortunatelyhappenedintimetosavethedetachmentfromawaterygrave。
　　Thesquadhalted。
　　"Whothethunder，andtheblazes，andotherthingstoldyoutodothat？"
　　Thesquadlookedbewildered，butsaidnothing，andwerebroughtbacktotheplacewheretheywerebefore。Aminutelaterpreciselythesamethingoccurredagain。Ireallythoughtthesergeantwouldburst。Iwaspreparingtohastentothebarracksformedicalaid。