I’llsayhediedinParisofapoplexy。Lotsofpeopledieofapoplexy，quitesuddenly，don’tthey？
　　ALGERNON。Yes，butit’shereditary，mydearfellow。It’sasortofthingthatrunsinfamilies。Youhadmuchbettersayaseverechill。
　　JACK。Youaresureaseverechillisn’thereditary，oranythingofthatkind？
　　ALGERNON。Ofcourseitisn’t！
　　JACK。Verywell，then。MypoorbrotherErnesttocarriedoffsuddenly，inParis，byaseverechill。Thatgetsridofhim。
　　ALGERNON。ButIthoughtyousaidthat……MissCardewwasalittletoomuchinterestedinyourpoorbrotherErnest？Won’tshefeelhislossagooddeal？
　　JACK。Oh，thatisallright。Cecilyisnotasillyromanticgirl，Iamgladtosay。Shehasgotacapitalappetite，goeslongwalks，andpaysnoattentionatalltoherlessons。
　　ALGERNON。IwouldratherliketoseeCecily。
　　JACK。Iwilltakeverygoodcareyouneverdo。Sheisexcessivelypretty，andsheisonlyjusteighteen。
　　ALGERNON。HaveyoutoldGwendolenyetthatyouhaveanexcessivelyprettywardwhoisonlyjusteighteen？
　　JACK。Oh！onedoesn’tblurtthesethingsouttopeople。CecilyandGwendolenareperfectlycertaintobeextremelygreatfriends。
　　I’llbetyouanythingyoulikethathalfanhouraftertheyhavemet，theywillbecallingeachothersister。
　　ALGERNON。Womenonlydothatwhentheyhavecalledeachotheralotofotherthingsfirst。Now，mydearboy，ifwewanttogetagoodtableatWillis’s，wereallymustgoanddress。Doyouknowitisnearlyseven？
　　JACK。[Irritably。]Oh！Italwaysisnearlyseven。
　　ALGERNON。Well，I’mhungry。
　　JACK。Ineverknewyouwhenyouweren’t……
　　ALGERNON。Whatshallwedoafterdinner？Gotoatheatre？
　　JACK。Ohno！Iloathelistening。
　　ALGERNON。Well，letusgototheClub？
　　JACK。Oh，no！Ihatetalking。
　　ALGERNON。Well，wemighttrotroundtotheEmpireatten？
　　JACK。Oh，no！Ican’tbearlookingatthings。Itissosilly。
　　ALGERNON。Well，whatshallwedo？
　　JACK。Nothing！
　　ALGERNON。Itisawfullyhardworkdoingnothing。However，Idon’tmindhardworkwherethereisnodefiniteobjectofanykind。
　　[EnterLANE。]
　　LANE。MissFairfax。
　　[EnterGWENDOLEN。LANEgoesout。]
　　ALGERNON。Gwendolen，uponmyword！
　　GWENDOLEN。Algy，kindlyturnyourback。IhavesomethingveryparticulartosaytoMr。Worthing。
　　ALGERNON。Really，Gwendolen，Idon’tthinkIcanallowthisatall。
　　GWENDOLEN。Algy，youalwaysadoptastrictlyimmoralattitudetowardslife。Youarenotquiteoldenoughtodothat。[ALGERNON
　　retirestothefireplace。]
　　JACK。Myowndarling！
　　GWENDOLEN。Ernest，wemayneverbemarried。Fromtheexpressiononmamma’sfaceIfearwenevershall。Fewparentsnowadayspayanyregardtowhattheirchildrensaytothem。Theold-fashionedrespectfortheyoungisfastdyingout。WhateverinfluenceIeverhadovermamma，Ilostattheageofthree。Butalthoughshemaypreventusfrombecomingmanandwife，andImaymarrysomeoneelse，andmarryoften，nothingthatshecanpossiblydocanaltermyeternaldevotiontoyou。
　　JACK。DearGwendolen！
　　GWENDOLEN。Thestoryofyourromanticorigin，asrelatedtomebymamma，withunpleasingcomments，hasnaturallystirredthedeeperfibresofmynature。YourChristiannamehasanirresistiblefascination。Thesimplicityofyourcharactermakesyouexquisitelyincomprehensibletome。YourtownaddressattheAlbanyIhave。Whatisyouraddressinthecountry？
　　JACK。TheManorHouse，Woolton，Hertfordshire。
　　[ALGERNON，whohasbeencarefullylistening，smilestohimself，andwritestheaddressonhisshirt-cuff。ThenpicksuptheRailwayGuide。]
　　GWENDOLEN。Thereisagoodpostalservice，Isuppose？Itmaybenecessarytodosomethingdesperate。Thatofcoursewillrequireseriousconsideration。Iwillcommunicatewithyoudaily。
　　JACK。Myownone！
　　GWENDOLEN。Howlongdoyouremainintown？
　　JACK。TillMonday。
　　GWENDOLEN。Good！Algy，youmayturnroundnow。
　　ALGERNON。Thanks，I’veturnedroundalready。
　　GWENDOLEN。Youmayalsoringthebell。
　　JACK。Youwillletmeseeyoutoyourcarriage，myowndarling？
　　GWENDOLEN。Certainly。
　　JACK。[ToLANE，whonowenters。]IwillseeMissFairfaxout。
　　LANE。Yes，sir。[JACKandGWENDOLENgooff。]
　　[LANEpresentsseverallettersonasalvertoALGERNON。Itistobesurmisedthattheyarebills，asALGERNON，afterlookingattheenvelopes，tearsthemup。]
　　ALGERNON。Aglassofsherry，Lane。
　　LANE。Yes，sir。
　　ALGERNON。To-morrow，Lane，I’mgoingBunburying。
　　LANE。Yes，sir。
　　ALGERNON。IshallprobablynotbebacktillMonday。Youcanputupmydressclothes，mysmokingjacket，andalltheBunburysuits……
　　LANE。Yes，sir。[Handingsherry。]
　　ALGERNON。Ihopeto-morrowwillbeafineday，Lane。
　　LANE。Itneveris，sir。
　　ALGERNON。Lane，you’reaperfectpessimist。
　　LANE。Idomybesttogivesatisfaction，sir。
　　[EnterJACK。LANEgoesoff。]
　　JACK。There’sasensible，intellectualgirl！theonlygirlIevercaredforinmylife。[ALGERNONislaughingimmoderately。]Whatonearthareyousoamusedat？
　　ALGERNON。Oh，I’malittleanxiousaboutpoorBunbury，thatinall。
　　JACK。Ifyoudon’ttakecare，yourfriendBunburywillgetyouintoaseriousscrapesomeday。
　　ALGERNON。Ilovescrapes。Theyaretheonlythingsthatareneverserious。
　　JACK。Oh，that’snonsense，Algy。Younevertalkanythingbutnonsense。
　　ALGERNON。Nobodyeverdoes。
　　[JACKlooksindignantlyathim，andleavestheroom。ALGERNON
　　lightsacigarette，readshisshirt-cuff，andsmiles。]
　　ACTDROP
　　SECONDACT
　　SCENE
　　GardenattheManorHouse。Aflightofgreystonestepsleadsuptothehouse。Thegarden，anold-fashionedone，fullofroses。
　　Timeofyear，July。Basketchairs，andatablecoveredwithbooks，aresetunderalargeyew-tree。
　　[MISSPRISMdiscoveredseatedatthetable。CECILYisatthebackwateringflowers。]
　　MISSPRISM。[Calling。]Cecily，Cecily！SurelysuchautilitarianoccupationasthewateringofflowersisratherMoulton’sdutythanyours？Especiallyatamomentwhenintellectualpleasuresawaityou。YourGermangrammarisonthetable。Prayopenitatpagefifteen。Wewillrepeatyesterday’slesson。
　　CECILY。[Comingoververyslowly。]ButIdon’tlikeGerman。Itisn’tatallabecominglanguage。IknowperfectlywellthatI
　　lookquiteplainaftermyGermanlesson。
　　MISSPRISM。Child，youknowhowanxiousyourguardianisthatyoushouldimproveyourselfineveryway。HelaidparticularstressonyourGerman，ashewasleavingfortownyesterday。Indeed，healwayslaysstressonyourGermanwhenheisleavingfortown。
　　CECILY。DearUncleJackissoveryserious！SometimesheissoseriousthatIthinkhecannotbequitewellMISSPRISM。[Drawingherselfup。]Yourguardianenjoysthebestofhealth，andhisgravityofdemeanourisespeciallytobecommandedinonesocomparativelyyoungasheis。Iknownoonewhohasahighersenseofdutyandresponsibility。
　　CECILY。Isupposethatiswhyheoftenlooksalittleboredwhenwethreearetogether。
　　MISSPRISM。Cecily！Iamsurprisedatyou。Mr。Worthinghasmanytroublesinhislife。Idlemerrimentandtrivialitywouldbeoutofplaceinhisconversation。Youmustrememberhisconstantanxietyaboutthatunfortunateyoungmanhisbrother。
　　CECILY。IwishUncleJackwouldallowthatunfortunateyoungman，hisbrother，tocomedownheresometimes。Wemighthaveagoodinfluenceoverhim，MissPrism。Iamsureyoucertainlywould。
　　YouknowGerman，andgeology，andthingsofthatkindinfluenceamanverymuch。[CECILYbeginstowriteinherdiary。]
　　MISSPRISM。[Shakingherhead。]IdonotthinkthatevenIcouldproduceanyeffectonacharacterthataccordingtohisownbrother’sadmissionisirretrievablyweakandvacillating。IndeedIamnotsurethatIwoulddesiretoreclaimhim。Iamnotinfavourofthismodernmaniaforturningbadpeopleintogoodpeopleatamoment’snotice。Asamansowssolethimreap。Youmustputawayyourdiary，Cecily。Ireallydon’tseewhyyoushouldkeepadiaryatall。
　　CECILY。Ikeepadiaryinordertoenterthewonderfulsecretsofmylife。IfIdidn’twritethemdown，Ishouldprobablyforgetallaboutthem。
　　MISSPRISM。Memory，mydearCecily，isthediarythatweallcarryaboutwithus。
　　CECILY。Yes，butitusuallychroniclesthethingsthathaveneverhappened，andcouldn’tpossiblyhavehappened。IbelievethatMemoryisresponsiblefornearlyallthethree-volumenovelsthatMudiesendsus。
　　MISSPRISM。Donotspeakslightinglyofthethree-volumenovel，Cecily。Iwroteonemyselfinearlierdays。
　　CECILY。Didyoureally，MissPrism？Howwonderfullycleveryouare！Ihopeitdidnotendhappily？Idon’tlikenovelsthatendhappily。Theydepressmesomuch。
　　MISSPRISM。Thegoodendedhappily，andthebadunhappily。ThatiswhatFictionmeans。
　　CECILY。Isupposeso。Butitseemsveryunfair。Andwasyournoveleverpublished？
　　MISSPRISM。Alas！no。Themanuscriptunfortunatelywasabandoned。
　　[CECILYstarts。]Iusethewordinthesenseoflostormislaid。
　　Toyourwork，child，thesespeculationsareprofitless。
　　CECILY。[Smiling。]ButIseedearDr。Chasublecomingupthroughthegarden。
　　MISSPRISM。[Risingandadvancing。]Dr。Chasuble！Thisisindeedapleasure。
　　[EnterCANONCHASUBLE。]
　　CHASUBLE。Andhowarewethismorning？MissPrism，youare，I
　　trust，well？
　　CECILY。MissPrismhasjustbeencomplainingofaslightheadache。
　　IthinkitwoulddohersomuchgoodtohaveashortstrollwithyouinthePark，Dr。Chasuble。
　　MISSPRISM。Cecily，Ihavenotmentionedanythingaboutaheadache。
　　CECILY。No，dearMissPrism，Iknowthat，butIfeltinstinctivelythatyouhadaheadache。IndeedIwasthinkingaboutthat，andnotaboutmyGermanlesson，whentheRectorcamein。
　　CHASUBLE。Ihope，Cecily，youarenotinattentive。
　　CECILY。Oh，IamafraidIam。
　　CHASUBLE。Thatisstrange。WereIfortunateenoughtobeMissPrism’spupil，Iwouldhanguponherlips。[MISSPRISMglares。]I
　　spokemetaphorically-Mymetaphorwasdrawnfrombees。Ahem！
　　Mr。Worthing，Isuppose，hasnotreturnedfromtownyet？
　　MISSPRISM。WedonotexpecthimtillMondayafternoon。
　　CHASUBLE。Ahyes，heusuallylikestospendhisSundayinLondon。
　　Heisnotoneofthosewhosesoleaimisenjoyment，as，byallaccounts，thatunfortunateyoungmanhisbrotherseemstobe。ButImustnotdisturbEgeriaandherpupilanylonger。
　　MISSPRISM。Egeria？MynameisLaetitia，Doctor。
　　CHASUBLE。[Bowing。]Aclassicalallusionmerely，drawnfromthePaganauthors。IshallseeyoubothnodoubtatEvensong？
　　MISSPRISM。Ithink，dearDoctor，Iwillhaveastrollwithyou。
　　IfindIhaveaheadacheafterall，andawalkmightdoitgood。
　　CHASUBLE。Withpleasure，MissPrism，withpleasure。Wemightgoasfarastheschoolsandback。
　　MISSPRISM。Thatwouldbedelightful。Cecily，youwillreadyourPoliticalEconomyinmyabsence。ThechapterontheFalloftheRupeeyoumayomit。Itissomewhattoosensational。Eventhesemetallicproblemshavetheirmelodramaticside。
　　[GoesdownthegardenwithDR。CHASUBLE。]
　　CECILY。[Picksupbooksandthrowsthembackontable。]HorridPoliticalEconomy！HorridGeography！Horrid，horridGerman！
　　[EnterMERRIMANwithacardonasalver。]
　　MERRIMAN。Mr。ErnestWorthinghasjustdrivenoverfromthestation。Hehasbroughthisluggagewithhim。
　　CECILY。[Takesthecardandreadsit。]’Mr。ErnestWorthing，B。
　　4，TheAlbany，W。’UncleJack’sbrother！DidyoutellhimMr。
　　Worthingwasintown？
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。Heseemedverymuchdisappointed。I
　　mentionedthatyouandMissPrismwereinthegarden。Hesaidhewasanxioustospeaktoyouprivatelyforamoment。
　　CECILY。AskMr。ErnestWorthingtocomehere。Isupposeyouhadbettertalktothehousekeeperaboutaroomforhim。
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。
　　[MERRIMANgoesoff。]
　　CECILY。Ihavenevermetanyreallywickedpersonbefore。Ifeelratherfrightened。Iamsoafraidhewilllookjustlikeeveryoneelse。
　　[EnterALGERNON，verygayanddebonnair。]Hedoes！
　　ALGERNON。[Raisinghishat。]YouaremylittlecousinCecily，I’msure。
　　CECILY。Youareundersomestrangemistake。Iamnotlittle。Infact，IbelieveIammorethanusuallytallformyage。[ALGERNON
　　israthertakenaback。]ButIamyourcousinCecily。You，Iseefromyourcard，areUncleJack’sbrother，mycousinErnest，mywickedcousinErnest。
　　ALGERNON。Oh！Iamnotreallywickedatall，cousinCecily。Youmustn’tthinkthatIamwicked。
　　CECILY。Ifyouarenot，thenyouhavecertainlybeendeceivingusallinaveryinexcusablemanner。Ihopeyouhavenotbeenleadingadoublelife，pretendingtobewickedandbeingreallygoodallthetime。Thatwouldbehypocrisy。
　　ALGERNON。[Looksatherinamazement。]Oh！OfcourseIhavebeenratherreckless。
　　CECILY。Iamgladtohearit。
　　ALGERNON。Infact，nowyoumentionthesubject，Ihavebeenverybadinmyownsmallway。
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkyoushouldbesoproudofthat，thoughIamsureitmusthavebeenverypleasant。
　　ALGERNON。Itismuchpleasanterbeingherewithyou。
　　CECILY。Ican’tunderstandhowyouarehereatall。UncleJackwon’tbebacktillMondayafternoon。
　　ALGERNON。Thatisagreatdisappointment。IamobligedtogoupbythefirsttrainonMondaymorning。IhaveabusinessappointmentthatIamanxious……tomiss？
　　CECILY。Couldn’tyoumissitanywherebutinLondon？
　　ALGERNON。No：theappointmentisinLondon。
　　CECILY。Well，Iknow，ofcourse，howimportantitisnottokeepabusinessengagement，ifonewantstoretainanysenseofthebeautyoflife，butstillIthinkyouhadbetterwaittillUncleJackarrives。Iknowhewantstospeaktoyouaboutyouremigrating。
　　ALGERNON。Aboutmywhat？
　　CECILY。Youremigrating。Hehasgoneuptobuyyouroutfit。
　　ALGERNON。Icertainlywouldn’tletJackbuymyoutfit。Hehasnotasteinnecktiesatall。
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkyouwillrequireneckties。UncleJackissendingyoutoAustralia。
　　ALGERNON。Australia！I’dsoonerdie。
　　CECILY。Well，hesaidatdinneronWednesdaynight，thatyouwouldhavetochoosebetweenthisworld，thenextworld，andAustralia。
　　ALGERNON。Oh，well！TheaccountsIhavereceivedofAustraliaandthenextworld，arenotparticularlyencouraging。Thisworldisgoodenoughforme，cousinCecily。
　　CECILY。Yes，butareyougoodenoughforit？
　　ALGERNON。I’mafraidI’mnotthat。ThatiswhyIwantyoutoreformme。Youmightmakethatyourmission，ifyoudon’tmind，cousinCecily。
　　CECILY。I’mafraidI’venotime，thisafternoon。
　　ALGERNON。Well，wouldyoumindmyreformingmyselfthisafternoon？
　　CECILY。ItisratherQuixoticofyou。ButIthinkyoushouldtry。
　　ALGERNON。Iwill。Ifeelbetteralready。
　　CECILY。Youarelookingalittleworse。
　　ALGERNON。ThatisbecauseIamhungry。
　　CECILY。Howthoughtlessofme。Ishouldhaverememberedthatwhenoneisgoingtoleadanentirelynewlife，onerequiresregularandwholesomemeals。Won’tyoucomein？
　　ALGERNON。Thankyou。MightIhaveabuttonholefirst？IneverhaveanyappetiteunlessIhaveabuttonholefirst。
　　CECILY。AMarechalNiel？[Picksupscissors。]
　　ALGERNON。No，I’dsoonerhaveapinkrose。
　　CECILY。Why？[Cutsaflower。]
　　ALGERNON。Becauseyouarelikeapinkrose，CousinCecily。
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkitcanberightforyoutotalktomelikethat。MissPrismneversayssuchthingstome。
　　ALGERNON。ThenMissPrismisashort-sightedoldlady。[CECILY
　　putstheroseinhisbuttonhole。]YouaretheprettiestgirlI
　　eversaw。
　　CECILY。MissPrismsaysthatallgoodlooksareasnare。
　　ALGERNON。Theyareasnarethateverysensiblemanwouldliketobecaughtin。
　　CECILY。Oh，Idon’tthinkIwouldcaretocatchasensibleman。I
　　shouldn’tknowwhattotalktohimabout。
　　[Theypassintothehouse。MISSPRISMandDR。CHASUBLEreturn。]
　　MISSPRISM。Youaretoomuchalone，dearDr。Chasuble。Youshouldgetmarried。AmisanthropeIcanunderstand-awomanthrope，never！
　　CHASUBLE。[Withascholar’sshudder。]Believeme，Idonotdeservesoneologisticaphrase。ThepreceptaswellasthepracticeofthePrimitiveChurchwasdistinctlyagainstmatrimony。
　　MISSPRISM。[Sententiously。]ThatisobviouslythereasonwhythePrimitiveChurchhasnotlasteduptothepresentday。Andyoudonotseemtorealise，dearDoctor，thatbypersistentlyremainingsingle，amanconvertshimselfintoapermanentpublictemptation。
　　Menshouldbemorecareful；thisverycelibacyleadsweakervesselsastray。
　　CHASUBLE。Butisamannotequallyattractivewhenmarried？
　　MISSPRISM。Nomarriedmaniseverattractiveexcepttohiswife。
　　CHASUBLE。Andoften，I’vebeentold，noteventoher。
　　MISSPRISM。Thatdependsontheintellectualsympathiesofthewoman。Maturitycanalwaysbedependedon。Ripenesscanbetrusted。Youngwomenaregreen。[DR。CHASUBLEstarts。]Ispokehorticulturally。Mymetaphorwasdrawnfromfruits。ButwhereisCecily？
　　CHASUBLE。Perhapsshefollowedustotheschools。
　　[EnterJACKslowlyfromthebackofthegarden。Heisdressedinthedeepestmourning，withcrapehatbandandblackgloves。]
　　MISSPRISM。Mr。Worthing！
　　CHASUBLE。Mr。Worthing？
　　MISSPRISM。Thisisindeedasurprise。WedidnotlookforyoutillMondayafternoon。
　　JACK。[ShakesMISSPRISM’Shandinatragicmanner。]IhavereturnedsoonerthanIexpected。Dr。Chasuble，Ihopeyouarewell？
　　CHASUBLE。DearMr。Worthing，Itrustthisgarbofwoedoesnotbetokensometerriblecalamity？
　　JACK。Mybrother。
　　MISSPRISM。Moreshamefuldebtsandextravagance？
　　CHASUBLE。Stillleadinghislifeofpleasure？
　　JACK。[Shakinghishead。]Dead！
　　CHASUBLE。YourbrotherErnestdead？
　　JACK。Quitedead。
　　MISSPRISM。Whatalessonforhim！Itrusthewillprofitbyit。
　　CHASUBLE。Mr。Worthing，Iofferyoumysincerecondolence。Youhaveatleasttheconsolationofknowingthatyouwerealwaysthemostgenerousandforgivingofbrothers。
　　JACK。PoorErnest！Hehadmanyfaults，butitisasad，sadblow。
　　CHASUBLE。Verysadindeed。Wereyouwithhimattheend？
　　JACK。No。Hediedabroad；inParis，infact。IhadatelegramlastnightfromthemanageroftheGrandHotel。
　　CHASUBLE。Wasthecauseofdeathmentioned？
　　JACK。Aseverechill，itseems。
　　MISSPRISM。Asamansows，soshallhereap。
　　CHASUBLE。[Raisinghishand。]Charity，dearMissPrism，charity！
　　Noneofusareperfect。Imyselfampeculiarlysusceptibletodraughts。Willtheintermenttakeplacehere？
　　JACK。No。HeseemstohaveexpressedadesiretobeburiedinParis。
　　CHASUBLE。InParis！[Shakeshishead。]Ifearthathardlypointstoanyveryseriousstateofmindatthelast。YouwouldnodoubtwishmetomakesomeslightallusiontothistragicdomesticafflictionnextSunday。[JACKpresseshishandconvulsively。]Mysermononthemeaningofthemannainthewildernesscanbeadaptedtoalmostanyoccasion，joyful，or，asinthepresentcase，distressing。[Allsigh。]Ihavepreacheditatharvestcelebrations，christenings，confirmations，ondaysofhumiliationandfestaldays。ThelasttimeIdelivereditwasintheCathedral，asacharitysermononbehalfoftheSocietyforthePreventionofDiscontentamongtheUpperOrders。TheBishop，whowaspresent，wasmuchstruckbysomeoftheanalogiesIdrew。
　　JACK。Ah！thatremindsme，youmentionedchristeningsIthink，Dr。
　　Chasuble？Isupposeyouknowhowtochristenallright？[DR。
　　CHASUBLElooksastounded。]Imean，ofcourse，youarecontinuallychristening，aren’tyou？
　　MISSPRISM。Itis，Iregrettosay，oneoftheRector’smostconstantdutiesinthisparish。Ihaveoftenspokentothepoorerclassesonthesubject。Buttheydon’tseemtoknowwhatthriftis。
　　CHASUBLE。Butisthereanyparticularinfantinwhomyouareinterested，Mr。Worthing？Yourbrotherwas，Ibelieve，unmarried，washenot？
　　JACK。Ohyes。
　　MISSPRISM。[Bitterly。]Peoplewholiveentirelyforpleasureusuallyare。
　　JACK。Butitisnotforanychild，dearDoctor。Iamveryfondofchildren。No！thefactis，Iwouldliketobechristenedmyself，thisafternoon，ifyouhavenothingbettertodo。
　　CHASUBLE。Butsurely，Mr。Worthing，youhavebeenchristenedalready？
　　JACK。Idon’trememberanythingaboutit。
　　CHASUBLE。Buthaveyouanygravedoubtsonthesubject？
　　JACK。Icertainlyintendtohave。OfcourseIdon’tknowifthethingwouldbotheryouinanyway，orifyouthinkIamalittletoooldnow。
　　CHASUBLE。Notatall。Thesprinkling，and，indeed，theimmersionofadultsisaperfectlycanonicalpractice。
　　JACK。Immersion！
　　CHASUBLE。Youneedhavenoapprehensions。Sprinklingisallthatisnecessary，orindeedIthinkadvisable。Ourweatherissochangeable。Atwhathourwouldyouwishtheceremonyperformed？
　　JACK。Oh，Imighttrotroundaboutfiveifthatwouldsuityou。
　　CHASUBLE。Perfectly，perfectly！InfactIhavetwosimilarceremoniestoperformatthattime。Acaseoftwinsthatoccurredrecentlyinoneoftheoutlyingcottagesonyourownestate。PoorJenkinsthecarter，amosthard-workingman。
　　JACK。Oh！Idon’tseemuchfuninbeingchristenedalongwithotherbabies。Itwouldbechildish。Wouldhalf-pastfivedo？
　　CHASUBLE。Admirably！Admirably！[Takesoutwatch。]Andnow，dearMr。Worthing，Iwillnotintrudeanylongerintoahouseofsorrow。Iwouldmerelybegyounottobetoomuchboweddownbygrief。Whatseemtousbittertrialsareoftenblessingsindisguise。
　　MISSPRISM。Thisseemstomeablessingofanextremelyobviouskind。
　　[EnterCECILYfromthehouse。]
　　CECILY。UncleJack！Oh，Iampleasedtoseeyouback。Butwhathorridclothesyouhavegoton！Dogoandchangethem。
　　MISSPRISM。Cecily！
　　CHASUBLE。Mychild！mychild！[CECILYgoestowardsJACK；hekissesherbrowinamelancholymanner。]
　　CECILY。Whatisthematter，UncleJack？Dolookhappy！Youlookasifyouhadtoothache，andIhavegotsuchasurpriseforyou。
　　Whodoyouthinkisinthedining-room？Yourbrother！
　　JACK。Who？
　　CECILY。YourbrotherErnest。Hearrivedabouthalfanhourago。
　　JACK。Whatnonsense！Ihaven’tgotabrother。
　　CECILY。Oh，don’tsaythat。Howeverbadlyhemayhavebehavedtoyouinthepastheisstillyourbrother。Youcouldn’tbesoheartlessastodisownhim。I’lltellhimtocomeout。Andyouwillshakehandswithhim，won’tyou，UncleJack？[Runsbackintothehouse。]
　　CHASUBLE。Theseareveryjoyfultidings。
　　MISSPRISM。Afterwehadallbeenresignedtohisloss，hissuddenreturnseemstomepeculiarlydistressing。
　　JACK。Mybrotherisinthedining-room？Idon’tknowwhatitallmeans。Ithinkitisperfectlyabsurd。
　　[EnterALGERNONandCECILYhandinhand。TheycomeslowlyuptoJACK。]
　　JACK。Goodheavens！[MotionsALGERNONaway。]
　　ALGERNON。BrotherJohn，IhavecomedownfromtowntotellyouthatIamverysorryforallthetroubleIhavegivenyou，andthatIintendtoleadabetterlifeinthefuture。[JACKglaresathimanddoesnottakehishand。]
　　CECILY。UncleJack，youarenotgoingtorefuseyourownbrother’shand？
　　JACK。Nothingwillinducemetotakehishand。Ithinkhiscomingdownheredisgraceful。Heknowsperfectlywellwhy。
　　CECILY。UncleJack，dobenice。Thereissomegoodineveryone。
　　ErnesthasjustbeentellingmeabouthispoorinvalidfriendMr。
　　Bunburywhomhegoestovisitsooften。Andsurelytheremustbemuchgoodinonewhoiskindtoaninvalid，andleavesthepleasuresofLondontositbyabedofpain。
　　JACK。Oh！hehasbeentalkingaboutBunbury，hashe？
　　CECILY。Yes，hehastoldmeallaboutpoorMr。Bunbury，andhisterriblestateofhealth。
　　JACK。Bunbury！Well，Iwon’thavehimtalktoyouaboutBunburyoraboutanythingelse。Itisenoughtodriveoneperfectlyfrantic。
　　ALGERNON。OfcourseIadmitthatthefaultswereallonmyside。
　　ButImustsaythatIthinkthatBrotherJohn’scoldnesstomeispeculiarlypainful。Iexpectedamoreenthusiasticwelcome，especiallyconsideringitisthefirsttimeIhavecomehere。
　　CECILY。UncleJack，ifyoudon’tshakehandswithErnestIwillneverforgiveyou。
　　JACK。Neverforgiveme？
　　CECILY。Never，never，never！
　　JACK。Well，thisisthelasttimeIshalleverdoit。[ShakeswithALGERNONandglares。]
　　CHASUBLE。It’spleasant，isitnot，toseesoperfectareconciliation？Ithinkwemightleavethetwobrotherstogether。
　　MISSPRISM。Cecily，youwillcomewithus。
　　CECILY。Certainly，MissPrism。Mylittletaskofreconciliationisover。
　　CHASUBLE。Youhavedoneabeautifulactionto-day，dearchild。
　　MISSPRISM。Wemustnotbeprematureinourjudgments。
　　CECILY。Ifeelveryhappy。[TheyallgooffexceptJACKandALGERNON。]
　　JACK。Youyoungscoundrel，Algy，youmustgetoutofthisplaceassoonaspossible。Idon’tallowanyBunburyinghere。
　　[EnterMERRIMAN。]
　　MERRIMAN。IhaveputMr。Ernest’sthingsintheroomnexttoyours，sir。Isupposethatisallright？
　　JACK。What？
　　MERRIMAN。Mr。Ernest’sluggage，sir。Ihaveunpackeditandputitintheroomnexttoyourown。
　　JACK。Hisluggage？
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，sir。Threeportmanteaus，adressing-case，twohat-
　　boxes，andalargeluncheon-basket。
　　ALGERNON。IamafraidIcan’tstaymorethanaweekthistime。
　　JACK。Merriman，orderthedog-cartatonce。Mr。Ernesthasbeensuddenlycalledbacktotown。
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，sir。[Goesbackintothehouse。]
　　ALGERNON。Whatafearfulliaryouare，Jack。Ihavenotbeencalledbacktotownatall。
　　JACK。Yes，youhave。
　　ALGERNON。Ihaven’theardanyonecallme。
　　JACK。Yourdutyasagentlemancallsyouback。
　　ALGERNON。Mydutyasagentlemanhasneverinterferedwithmypleasuresinthesmallestdegree。
　　JACK。Icanquiteunderstandthat。
　　ALGERNON。Well，Cecilyisadarling。
　　JACK。YouarenottotalkofMissCardewlikethat。Idon’tlikeit。
　　ALGERNON。Well，Idon’tlikeyourclothes。Youlookperfectlyridiculousinthem。Whyonearthdon’tyougoupandchange？Itisperfectlychildishtobeindeepmourningforamanwhoisactuallystayingforawholeweekwithyouinyourhouseasaguest。Icallitgrotesque。
　　JACK。Youarecertainlynotstayingwithmeforawholeweekasaguestoranythingelse。Youhavegottoleave……bythefour-
　　fivetrain。
　　ALGERNON。Icertainlywon’tleaveyousolongasyouareinmourning。Itwouldbemostunfriendly。IfIwereinmourningyouwouldstaywithme，Isuppose。Ishouldthinkitveryunkindifyoudidn’t。
　　JACK。Well，willyougoifIchangemyclothes？
　　ALGERNON。Yes，ifyouarenottoolong。Ineversawanybodytakesolongtodress，andwithsuchlittleresult。
　　JACK。Well，atanyrate，thatisbetterthanbeingalwaysover-
　　dressedasyouare。
　　ALGERNON。IfIamoccasionallyalittleover-dressed，Imakeupforitbybeingalwaysimmenselyover-educated。
　　JACK。Yourvanityisridiculous，yourconductanoutrage，andyourpresenceinmygardenutterlyabsurd。However，youhavegottocatchthefour-five，andIhopeyouwillhaveapleasantjourneybacktotown。ThisBunburying，asyoucallit，hasnotbeenagreatsuccessforyou。
　　[Goesintothehouse。]
　　ALGERNON。Ithinkithasbeenagreatsuccess。I’minlovewithCecily，andthatiseverything。
　　[EnterCECILYatthebackofthegarden。Shepicksupthecanandbeginstowatertheflowers。]ButImustseeherbeforeIgo，andmakearrangementsforanotherBunbury。Ah，theresheis。
　　CECILY。Oh，Imerelycamebacktowatertheroses。IthoughtyouwerewithUncleJack。
　　ALGERNON。He’sgonetoorderthedog-cartforme。
　　CECILY。Oh，ishegoingtotakeyouforanicedrive？
　　ALGERNON。He’sgoingtosendmeaway。
　　CECILY。Thenhavewegottopart？
　　ALGERNON。Iamafraidso。It’saverypainfulparting。
　　CECILY。Itisalwayspainfultopartfrompeoplewhomonehasknownforaverybriefspaceoftime。Theabsenceofoldfriendsonecanendurewithequanimity。Butevenamomentaryseparationfromanyonetowhomonehasjustbeenintroducedisalmostunbearable。
　　ALGERNON。Thankyou。
　　[EnterMERRIMAN。]
　　MERRIMAN。Thedog-cartisatthedoor，sir。[ALGERNONlooksappealinglyatCECILY。]
　　CECILY。Itcanwait，Merrimanfor……fiveminutes。
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。[ExitMERRIMAN。]
　　ALGERNON。Ihope，Cecily，IshallnotoffendyouifIstatequitefranklyandopenlythatyouseemtometobeineverywaythevisiblepersonificationofabsoluteperfection。
　　CECILY。Ithinkyourfranknessdoesyougreatcredit，Ernest。Ifyouwillallowme，Iwillcopyyourremarksintomydiary。[Goesovertotableandbeginswritingindiary。]
　　ALGERNON。Doyoureallykeepadiary？I’dgiveanythingtolookatit。MayI？
　　CECILY。Ohno。[Putsherhandoverit。]Yousee，itissimplyaveryyounggirl’srecordofherownthoughtsandimpressions，andconsequentlymeantforpublication。WhenitappearsinvolumeformIhopeyouwillorderacopy。Butpray，Ernest，don’tstop。I
　　delightintakingdownfromdictation。Ihavereached’absoluteperfection’。Youcangoon。Iamquitereadyformore。
　　ALGERNON。[Somewhattakenaback。]Ahem！Ahem！
　　CECILY。Oh，don’tcough，Ernest。Whenoneisdictatingoneshouldspeakfluentlyandnotcough。Besides，Idon’tknowhowtospellacough。[WritesasALGERNONspeaks。]
　　ALGERNON。[Speakingveryrapidly。]Cecily，eversinceIfirstlookeduponyourwonderfulandincomparablebeauty，Ihavedaredtoloveyouwildly，passionately，devotedly，hopelessly。
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkthatyoushouldtellmethatyoulovemewildly，passionately，devotedly，hopelessly。Hopelesslydoesn’tseemtomakemuchsense，doesit？
　　ALGERNON。Cecily！
　　[EnterMERRIMAN。]
　　MERRIMAN。Thedog-cartiswaiting，sir。
　　ALGERNON。Tellittocomeroundnextweek，atthesamehour。
　　MERRIMAN。[LooksatCECILY，whomakesnosign。]Yes，sir。
　　[MERRIMANretires。]
　　CECILY。UncleJackwouldbeverymuchannoyedifheknewyouwerestayingontillnextweek，atthesamehour。
　　ALGERNON。Oh，Idon’tcareaboutJack。Idon’tcareforanybodyinthewholeworldbutyou。Iloveyou，Cecily。Youwillmarryme，won’tyou？
　　CECILY。Yousillyboy！Ofcourse。Why，wehavebeenengagedforthelastthreemonths。
　　ALGERNON。Forthelastthreemonths？
　　CECILY。Yes，itwillbeexactlythreemonthsonThursday。
　　ALGERNON。Buthowdidwebecomeengaged？
　　CECILY。Well，eversincedearUncleJackfirstconfessedtousthathehadayoungerbrotherwhowasverywickedandbad，youofcoursehaveformedthechieftopicofconversationbetweenmyselfandMissPrism。Andofcourseamanwhoismuchtalkedaboutisalwaysveryattractive。Onefeelstheremustbesomethinginhim，afterall。Idaresayitwasfoolishofme，butIfellinlovewithyou，Ernest。
　　ALGERNON。Darling！Andwhenwastheengagementactuallysettled？
　　CECILY。Onthe14thofFebruarylast。Wornoutbyyourentireignoranceofmyexistence，Ideterminedtoendthematteronewayortheother，andafteralongstrugglewithmyselfIacceptedyouunderthisdearoldtreehere。ThenextdayIboughtthislittleringinyourname，andthisisthelittlebanglewiththetruelover’sknotIpromisedyoualwaystowear。
　　ALGERNON。DidIgiveyouthis？It’sverypretty，isn’tit？
　　CECILY。Yes，you’vewonderfullygoodtaste，Ernest。It’stheexcuseI’vealwaysgivenforyourleadingsuchabadlife。AndthisistheboxinwhichIkeepallyourdearletters。[Kneelsattable，opensbox，andproducesletterstiedupwithblueribbon。]
　　ALGERNON。Myletters！But，myownsweetCecily，Ihaveneverwrittenyouanyletters。
　　CECILY。Youneedhardlyremindmeofthat，Ernest。IrememberonlytoowellthatIwasforcedtowriteyourlettersforyou。I
　　wrotealwaysthreetimesaweek，andsometimesoftener。
　　ALGERNON。Oh，doletmereadthem，Cecily？
　　CECILY。Oh，Icouldn’tpossibly。Theywouldmakeyoufartooconceited。[Replacesbox。]ThethreeyouwrotemeafterIhadbrokenoftheengagementaresobeautiful，andsobadlyspelled，thatevennowIcanhardlyreadthemwithoutcryingalittle。
　　ALGERNON。Butwasourengagementeverbrokenoff？
　　CECILY。Ofcourseitwas。Onthe22ndoflastMarch。Youcanseetheentryifyoulike。[Showsdiary。]’To-dayIbrokeoffmyengagementwithErnest。Ifeelitisbettertodoso。Theweatherstillcontinuescharming。’
　　ALGERNON。Butwhyonearthdidyoubreakitof？WhathadIdone？
　　Ihaddonenothingatall。Cecily，Iamverymuchhurtindeedtohearyoubrokeitoff。Particularlywhentheweatherwassocharming。
　　CECILY。Itwouldhardlyhavebeenareallyseriousengagementifithadn’tbeenbrokenoffatleastonce。ButIforgaveyoubeforetheweekwasout。
　　ALGERNON。[Crossingtoher，andkneeling。]Whataperfectangelyouare，Cecily。
　　CECILY。Youdearromanticboy。[Hekissesher，sheputsherfingersthroughhishair。]Ihopeyourhaircurlsnaturally，doesit？
　　ALGERNON。Yes，darling，withalittlehelpfromothers。
　　CECILY。Iamsoglad。
　　ALGERNON。You’llneverbreakofourengagementagain，Cecily？
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkIcouldbreakitoffnowthatIhaveactuallymetyou。Besides，ofcourse，thereisthequestionofyourname。
　　ALGERNON。Yes，ofcourse。[Nervously。]
　　CECILY。Youmustnotlaughatme，darling，butithadalwaysbeenagirlishdreamofminetolovesomeonewhosenamewasErnest。
　　[ALGERNONrises，CECILYalso。]Thereissomethinginthatnamethatseemstoinspireabsoluteconfidence。IpityanypoormarriedwomanwhosehusbandisnotcalledErnest。
　　ALGERNON。But，mydearchild，doyoumeantosayyoucouldnotlovemeifIhadsomeothername？
　　CECILY。Butwhatname？
　　ALGERNON。Oh，anynameyoulike-Algernon-forinstance……
　　CECILY。ButIdon’tlikethenameofAlgernon。
　　ALGERNON。Well，myowndear，sweet，lovinglittledarling，I
　　reallycan’tseewhyyoushouldobjecttothenameofAlgernon。Itisnotatallabadname。Infact，itisratheranaristocraticname。HalfofthechapswhogetintotheBankruptcyCourtarecalledAlgernon。Butseriously，Cecily……[Movingtoher]……
　　ifmynamewasAlgy，couldn’tyouloveme？
　　CECILY。[Rising。]Imightrespectyou，Ernest，Imightadmireyourcharacter，butIfearthatIshouldnotbeabletogiveyoumyundividedattention。
　　ALGERNON。Ahem！Cecily！[Pickinguphat。]YourRectorhereis，Isuppose，thoroughlyexperiencedinthepracticeofalltheritesandceremonialsoftheChurch？
　　CECILY。Oh，yes。Dr。Chasubleisamostlearnedman。Hehasneverwrittenasinglebook，soyoucanimaginehowmuchheknows。
　　ALGERNON。Imustseehimatonceonamostimportantchristening-
　　Imeanonmostimportantbusiness。
　　CECILY。Oh！
　　ALGERNON。Ishan’tbeawaymorethanhalfanhour。
　　CECILY。ConsideringthatwehavebeenengagedsinceFebruarythe14th，andthatIonlymetyouto-dayforthefirsttime，Ithinkitisratherhardthatyoushouldleavemeforsolongaperiodashalfanhour。Couldn’tyoumakeittwentyminutes？
　　ALGERNON。I’llbebackinnotime。
　　[Kissesherandrushesdownthegarden。]
　　CECILY。Whatanimpetuousboyheis！Ilikehishairsomuch。I
　　mustenterhisproposalinmydiary。
　　[EnterMERRIMAN。]
　　MERRIMAN。AMissFairfaxhasjustcalledtoseeMr。Worthing。Onveryimportantbusiness，MissFairfaxstates。
　　CECILY。Isn’tMr。Worthinginhislibrary？
　　MERRIMAN。Mr。WorthingwentoverinthedirectionoftheRectorysometimeago。
　　CECILY。Prayasktheladytocomeouthere；Mr。Worthingissuretobebacksoon。Andyoucanbringtea。
　　MERRIMAN。Yes，Miss。[Goesout。]
　　CECILY。MissFairfax！IsupposeoneofthemanygoodelderlywomenwhoareassociatedwithUncleJackinsomeofhisphilanthropicworkinLondon。Idon’tquitelikewomenwhoareinterestedinphilanthropicwork。Ithinkitissoforwardofthem。
　　[EnterMERRIMAN。]
　　MERRIMAN。MissFairfax。
　　[EnterGWENDOLEN。]
　　[ExitMERRIMAN。]
　　CECILY。[Advancingtomeether。]Prayletmeintroducemyselftoyou。MynameisCecilyCardew。
　　GWENDOLEN。CecilyCardew？[Movingtoherandshakinghands。]
　　Whataverysweetname！Somethingtellsmethatwearegoingtobegreatfriends。IlikeyoualreadymorethanIcansay。Myfirstimpressionsofpeopleareneverwrong。
　　CECILY。Howniceofyoutolikemesomuchafterwehaveknowneachothersuchacomparativelyshorttime。Praysitdown。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Stillstandingup。]ImaycallyouCecily，mayInot？
　　CECILY。Withpleasure！
　　GWENDOLEN。AndyouwillalwayscallmeGwendolen，won’tyou？
　　CECILY。Ifyouwish。
　　GWENDOLEN。Thenthatisallquitesettled，isitnot？
　　CECILY。Ihopeso。[Apause。Theybothsitdowntogether。]
　　GWENDOLEN。PerhapsthismightbeafavourableopportunityformymentioningwhoIam。MyfatherisLordBracknell。Youhaveneverheardofpapa，Isuppose？
　　CECILY。Idon’tthinkso。
　　GWENDOLEN。Outsidethefamilycircle，papa，Iamgladtosay，isentirelyunknown。Ithinkthatisquiteasitshouldbe。Thehomeseemstometobetheproperspherefortheman。Andcertainlyonceamanbeginstoneglecthisdomesticdutieshebecomespainfullyeffeminate，doeshenot？AndIdon’tlikethat。Itmakesmensoveryattractive。Cecily，mamma，whoseviewsoneducationareremarkablystrict，hasbroughtmeuptobeextremelyshort-sighted；itispartofhersystem；sodoyoumindmylookingatyouthroughmyglasses？
　　CECILY。Oh！notatall，Gwendolen。Iamveryfondofbeinglookedat。
　　GWENDOLEN。[AfterexaminingCECILYcarefullythroughalorgnette。]
　　Youarehereonashortvisit，Isuppose。
　　CECILY。Ohno！Ilivehere。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Severely。]Really？Yourmother，nodoubt，orsomefemalerelativeofadvancedyears，residesherealso？
　　CECILY。Ohno！Ihavenomother，nor，infact，anyrelations。
　　GWENDOLEN。Indeed？
　　CECILY。Mydearguardian，withtheassistanceofMissPrism，hasthearduoustaskoflookingafterme。
　　GWENDOLEN。Yourguardian？
　　CECILY。Yes，IamMr。Worthing’sward。
　　GWENDOLEN。Oh！Itisstrangehenevermentionedtomethathehadaward。Howsecretiveofhim！Hegrowsmoreinterestinghourly。
　　Iamnotsure，however，thatthenewsinspiresmewithfeelingsofunmixeddelight。[Risingandgoingtoher。]Iamveryfondofyou，Cecily；IhavelikedyoueversinceImetyou！ButIamboundtostatethatnowthatIknowthatyouareMr。Worthing’sward，I
　　cannothelpexpressingawishyouwere-well，justalittleolderthanyouseemtobe-andnotquitesoveryalluringinappearance。
　　Infact，ifImayspeakcandidly-
　　CECILY。Praydo！Ithinkthatwheneveronehasanythingunpleasanttosay，oneshouldalwaysbequitecandid。
　　GWENDOLEN。Well，tospeakwithperfectcandour，Cecily，Iwishthatyouwerefullyforty-two，andmorethanusuallyplainforyourage。Ernesthasastronguprightnature。Heistheverysouloftruthandhonour。Disloyaltywouldbeasimpossibletohimasdeception。Butevenmenofthenoblestpossiblemoralcharacterareextremelysusceptibletotheinfluenceofthephysicalcharmsofothers。Modern，nolessthanAncientHistory，suppliesuswithmanymostpainfulexamplesofwhatIreferto。Ifitwerenotso，indeed，Historywouldbequiteunreadable。
　　CECILY。Ibegyourpardon，Gwendolen，didyousayErnest？
　　GWENDOLEN。Yes。
　　CECILY。Oh，butitisnotMr。ErnestWorthingwhoismyguardian。
　　Itishisbrother-hiselderbrother。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Sittingdownagain。]Ernestnevermentionedtomethathehadabrother。
　　CECILY。Iamsorrytosaytheyhavenotbeenongoodtermsforalongtime。
　　GWENDOLEN。Ah！thataccountsforit。AndnowthatIthinkofitI
　　haveneverheardanymanmentionhisbrother。Thesubjectseemsdistastefultomostmen。Cecily，youhaveliftedaloadfrommymind。Iwasgrowingalmostanxious。Itwouldhavebeenterribleifanycloudhadcomeacrossafriendshiplikeours，woulditnot？
　　Ofcourseyouarequite，quitesurethatitisnotMr。ErnestWorthingwhoisyourguardian？
　　CECILY。Quitesure。[Apause。]Infact，Iamgoingtobehis。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Inquiringly。]Ibegyourpardon？
　　CECILY。[Rathershyandconfidingly。]DearestGwendolen，thereisnoreasonwhyIshouldmakeasecretofittoyou。Ourlittlecountynewspaperissuretochroniclethefactnextweek。Mr。
　　ErnestWorthingandIareengagedtobemarried。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Quitepolitely，rising。]MydarlingCecily，Ithinktheremustbesomeslighterror。Mr。ErnestWorthingisengagedtome。TheannouncementwillappearintheMORNINGPOSTonSaturdayatthelatest。
　　CECILY。[Verypolitely，rising。]Iamafraidyoumustbeundersomemisconception。Ernestproposedtomeexactlytenminutesago。
　　[Showsdiary。]
　　GWENDOLEN。[Examinesdiarythroughherlorgnetttecarefully。]Itiscertainlyverycurious，forheaskedmetobehiswifeyesterdayafternoonat5。30。Ifyouwouldcaretoverifytheincident，praydoso。[Producesdiaryofherown。]Inevertravelwithoutmydiary。Oneshouldalwayshavesomethingsensationaltoreadinthetrain。Iamsosorry，dearCecily，ifitisanydisappointmenttoyou，butIamafraidIhavethepriorclaim。
　　CECILY。ItwoulddistressmemorethanIcantellyou，dearGwendolen，ifitcausedyouanymentalorphysicalanguish，butI
　　feelboundtopointoutthatsinceErnestproposedtoyouheclearlyhaschangedhismind。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Meditatively。]IfthepoorfellowhasbeenentrappedintoanyfoolishpromiseIshallconsideritmydutytorescuehimatonce，andwithafirmhand。
　　CECILY。[Thoughtfullyandsadly。]Whateverunfortunateentanglementmydearboymayhavegotinto，Iwillneverreproachhimwithitafterwearemarried。
　　GWENDOLEN。Doyoualludetome，MissCardew，asanentanglement？
　　Youarepresumptuous。Onanoccasionofthiskinditbecomesmorethanamoraldutytospeakone’smind。Itbecomesapleasure。
　　CECILY。Doyousuggest，MissFairfax，thatIentrappedErnestintoanengagement？Howdareyou？Thisisnotimeforwearingtheshallowmaskofmanners。WhenIseeaspadeIcallitaspade。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Satirically。]IamgladtosaythatIhaveneverseenaspade。Itisobviousthatoursocialsphereshavebeenwidelydifferent。
　　[EnterMERRIMAN，followedbythefootman。Hecarriesasalver，tablecloth，andplatestand。CECILYisabouttoretort。Thepresenceoftheservantsexercisesarestraininginfluence，underwhichbothgirlschafe。]
　　MERRIMAN。ShallIlayteahereasusual，Miss？
　　CECILY。[Sternly，inacalmvoice。]Yes，asusual。[MERRIMAN
　　beginstocleartableandlaycloth。Alongpause。CECILYandGWENDOLENglareateachother。]
　　GWENDOLEN。Aretheremanyinterestingwalksinthevicinity，MissCardew？
　　CECILY。Oh！yes！agreatmany。Fromthetopofoneofthehillsquitecloseonecanseefivecounties。
　　GWENDOLEN。Fivecounties！Idon’tthinkIshouldlikethat；I
　　hatecrowds。
　　CECILY。[Sweetly。]Isupposethatiswhyyouliveintown？
　　[GWENDOLENbitesherlip，andbeatsherfootnervouslywithherparasol。]
　　GWENDOLEN。[Lookinground。]Quiteawell-keptgardenthisis，MissCardew。
　　CECILY。Sogladyoulikeit，MissFairfax。
　　GWENDOLEN。Ihadnoideatherewereanyflowersinthecountry。
　　CECILY。Oh，flowersareascommonhere，MissFairfax，aspeopleareinLondon。
　　GWENDOLEN。PersonallyIcannotunderstandhowanybodymanagestoexistinthecountry，ifanybodywhoisanybodydoes。Thecountryalwaysboresmetodeath。
　　CECILY。Ah！Thisiswhatthenewspaperscallagriculturaldepression，isitnot？Ibelievethearistocracyaresufferingverymuchfromitjustatpresent。Itisalmostanepidemicamongstthem，Ihavebeentold。MayIofferyousometea，MissFairfax？
　　GWENDOLEN。[Withelaboratepoliteness。]Thankyou。[Aside。]
　　Detestablegirl！ButIrequiretea！
　　CECILY。[Sweetly。]Sugar？
　　GWENDOLEN。[Superciliously。]No，thankyou。Sugarisnotfashionableanymore。[CECILYlooksangrilyather，takesupthetongsandputsfourlumpsofsugarintothecup。]
　　CECILY。[Severely。]Cakeorbreadandbutter？
　　GWENDOLEN。[Inaboredmanner。]Breadandbutter，please。Cakeisrarelyseenatthebesthousesnowadays。
　　CECILY。[Cutsaverylargesliceofcake，andputsitonthetray。]HandthattoMissFairfax。
　　[MERRIMANdoesso，andgoesoutwithfootman。GWENDOLENdrinkstheteaandmakesagrimace。Putsdowncupatonce，reachesoutherhandtothebreadandbutter，looksatit，andfindsitiscake。
　　Risesinindignation。]
　　GWENDOLEN。Youhavefilledmyteawithlumpsofsugar，andthoughIaskedmostdistinctlyforbreadandbutter，youhavegivenmecake。Iamknownforthegentlenessofmydisposition，andtheextraordinarysweetnessofmynature，butIwarnyou，MissCardew，youmaygotoofar。
　　CECILY。[Rising。]Tosavemypoor，innocent，trustingboyfromthemachinationsofanyothergirltherearenolengthstowhichI
　　wouldnotgo。
　　GWENDOLEN。FromthemomentIsawyouIdistrustedyou。Ifeltthatyouwerefalseanddeceitful。Iamneverdeceivedinsuchmatters。Myfirstimpressionsofpeopleareinvariablyright。
　　CECILY。Itseemstome，MissFairfax，thatIamtrespassingonyourvaluabletime。Nodoubtyouhavemanyothercallsofasimilarcharactertomakeintheneighbourhood。
　　[EnterJACK。]
　　GWENDOLEN。[Catchingsightofhim。]Ernest！MyownErnest！
　　JACK。Gwendolen！Darling！[Offerstokissher。]
　　GWENDOLEN。[Drawsback。]Amoment！MayIaskifyouareengagedtobemarriedtothisyounglady？[PointstoCECILY。]
　　JACK。[Laughing。]TodearlittleCecily！Ofcoursenot！Whatcouldhaveputsuchanideaintoyourprettylittlehead？
　　GWENDOLEN。Thankyou。Youmay！[Offershercheek。]
　　CECILY。[Verysweetly。]Iknewtheremustbesomemisunderstanding，MissFairfax。Thegentlemanwhosearmisatpresentroundyourwaistismyguardian，Mr。JohnWorthing。
　　GWENDOLEN。Ibegyourpardon？
　　CECILY。ThisisUncleJack。
　　GWENDOLEN。[Receding。]Jack！Oh！
　　[EnterALGERNON。]
　　CECILY。HereisErnest。
　　ALGERNON。[GoesstraightovertoCECILYwithoutnoticinganyoneelse。]Myownlove！[Offerstokissher。]
　　CECILY。[Drawingback。]Amoment，Ernest！MayIaskyou-areyouengagedtobemarriedtothisyounglady？
　　ALGERNON。[Lookinground。]Towhatyounglady？Goodheavens！
　　Gwendolen！
　　CECILY。Yes！togoodheavens，Gwendolen，ImeantoGwendolen。
　　ALGERNON。[Laughing。]Ofcoursenot！Whatcouldhaveputsuchanideaintoyourprettylittlehead？
　　CECILY。Thankyou。[Presentinghercheektobekissed。]Youmay。
　　[ALGERNONkissesher。]
　　GWENDOLEN。Ifelttherewassomeslighterror，MissCardew。Thegentlemanwhoisnowembracingyouismycousin，Mr。AlgernonMoncrieff。
　　CECILY。[BreakingawayfromALGERNON。]AlgernonMoncrieff！Oh！
　　[Thetwogirlsmovetowardseachotherandputtheirarmsroundeachother’swaistsprotection。]
　　CECILY。AreyoucalledAlgernon？
　　ALGERNON。Icannotdenyit。
　　CECILY。Oh！
　　GWENDOLEN。IsyournamereallyJohn？
　　JACK。[Standingratherproudly。]IcoulddenyitifIliked。I
　　coulddenyanythingifIliked。ButmynamecertainlyisJohn。IthasbeenJohnforyears。
　　CECILY。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Agrossdeceptionhasbeenpractisedonbothofus。
　　GWENDOLEN。MypoorwoundedCecily！
　　CECILY。MysweetwrongedGwendolen！
　　GWENDOLEN。[Slowlyandseriously。]Youwillcallmesister，willyounot？[Theyembrace。JACKandALGERNONgroanandwalkupanddown。]
　　CECILY。[Ratherbrightly。]ThereisjustonequestionIwouldliketobeallowedtoaskmyguardian。
　　GWENDOLEN。Anadmirableidea！Mr。Worthing，thereisjustonequestionIwouldliketobepermittedtoputtoyou。WhereisyourbrotherErnest？WearebothengagedtobemarriedtoyourbrotherErnest，soitisamatterofsomeimportancetoustoknowwhereyourbrotherErnestisatpresent。
　　JACK。[Slowlyandhesitatingly。]Gwendolen-Cecily-itisverypainfulformetobeforcedtospeakthetruth。ItisthefirsttimeinmylifethatIhaveeverbeenreducedtosuchapainfulposition，andIamreallyquiteinexperiencedindoinganythingofthekind。However，IwilltellyouquitefranklythatIhavenobrotherErnest。Ihavenobrotheratall。Ineverhadabrotherinmylife，andIcertainlyhavenotthesmallestintentionofeverhavingoneinthefuture。