THEPERSONSINTHEPLAY
JohnWorthing，J。P。
AlgernonMoncrieffRev。CanonChasuble，D。D。
Merriman，ButlerLane，ManservantLadyBracknellHon。GwendolenFairfaxCecilyCardewMissPrism，GovernessTHESCENESOFTHEPLAY
ACTI。AlgernonMoncrieff’sFlatinHalf-MoonStreet，W。
ACTII。TheGardenattheManorHouse，Woolton。
ACTIII。Drawing-RoomattheManorHouse，Woolton。
TIME：ThePresent。
LONDON：ST。JAMES’STHEATRE
LesseeandManager：Mr。GeorgeAlexanderFebruary14th，1895
JohnWorthing，J。P。：Mr。GeorgeAlexanderAlgernonMoncrieff：Mr。AllenAynesworth。
Rev。CanonChasuble，D。D。：Mr。H。H。Vincent。
Merriman：Mr。FrankDyallLane：Mr。F。KinseyPeile。
LadyBracknell：MissRoseLeclercq。
Hon。GwendolenFairfax：MissIreneVanbrugh。
CecilyCardew：MissEvelynMillard。
MissPrism：Mrs。GeorgeCanninge。
FIRSTACT
SCENE
Morning-roominAlgernon’sflatinHalf-MoonStreet。Theroomisluxuriouslyandartisticallyfurnished。Thesoundofapianoisheardintheadjoiningroom。
[LANEisarrangingafternoonteaonthetable，andafterthemusichasceased，ALGERNONenters。]
ALGERNON。DidyouhearwhatIwasplaying，Lane？
LANE。Ididn’tthinkitpolitetolisten，sir。
ALGERNON。I’msorryforthat，foryoursake。Idon’tplayaccurately-anyonecanplayaccurately-butIplaywithwonderfulexpression。Asfarasthepianoisconcerned，sentimentismyforte。IkeepscienceforLife。
LANE。Yes，sir。
ALGERNON。And，speakingofthescienceofLife，haveyougotthecucumbersandwichescutforLadyBracknell？
LANE。Yes，sir。[Handsthemonasalver。]
ALGERNON。[Inspectsthem，takestwo，andsitsdownonthesofa。]
Oh！……bytheway，Lane，IseefromyourbookthatonThursdaynight，whenLordShoremanandMr。Worthingwerediningwithme，eightbottlesofchampagneareenteredashavingbeenconsumed。
LANE。Yes，sir；eightbottlesandapint。
ALGERNON。Whyisitthatatabachelor’sestablishmenttheservantsinvariablydrinkthechampagne？Iaskmerelyforinformation。
LANE。Iattributeittothesuperiorqualityofthewine，sir。I
haveoftenobservedthatinmarriedhouseholdsthechampagneisrarelyofafirst-ratebrand。
ALGERNON。Goodheavens！Ismarriagesodemoralisingasthat？
LANE。IbelieveitISaverypleasantstate，sir。Ihavehadverylittleexperienceofitmyselfuptothepresent。Ihaveonlybeenmarriedonce。Thatwasinconsequenceofamisunderstandingbetweenmyselfandayoungperson。
ALGERNON。[Languidly。]Idon’tknowthatIammuchinterestedinyourfamilylife，Lane。
LANE。No，sir；itisnotaveryinterestingsubject。Ineverthinkofitmyself。
ALGERNON。Verynatural，Iamsure。Thatwilldo，Lane，thankyou。
LANE。Thankyou，sir。[LANEgoesout。]
ALGERNON。Lanesviewsonmarriageseemsomewhatlax。Really，ifthelowerordersdon’tsetusagoodexample，whatonearthistheuseofthem？Theyseem，asaclass，tohaveabsolutelynosenseofmoralresponsibility。
[EnterLANE。]
LANE。Mr。ErnestWorthing。
[EnterJACK。]
[LANEgoesout。]
ALGERNON。Howareyou，mydearErnest？Whatbringsyouuptotown？
JACK。Oh，pleasure，pleasure！Whatelseshouldbringoneanywhere？Eatingasusual，Isee，Algy！
ALGERNON。[Stiffly。]Ibelieveitiscustomaryingoodsocietytotakesomeslightrefreshmentatfiveo’clock。WherehaveyoubeensincelastThursday？
JACK。[Sittingdownonthesofa。]Inthecountry。
ALGERNON。Whatonearthdoyoudothere？
JACK。[Pullingoffhisgloves。]Whenoneisintownoneamusesoneself。Whenoneisinthecountryoneamusesotherpeople。Itisexcessivelyboring。
ALGERNON。Andwhoarethepeopleyouamuse？
JACK。[Airily。]Oh，neighbours，neighbours。
ALGERNON。GotniceneighboursinyourpartofShropshire？
JACK。Perfectlyhorrid！Neverspeaktooneofthem。
ALGERNON。Howimmenselyyoumustamusethem！[Goesoverandtakessandwich。]Bytheway，Shropshireisyourcounty，isitnot？
JACK。Eh？Shropshire？Yes，ofcourse。Hallo！Whyallthesecups？Whycucumbersandwiches？Whysuchrecklessextravaganceinonesoyoung？Whoiscomingtotea？
ALGERNON。Oh！merelyAuntAugustaandGwendolen。
JACK。Howperfectlydelightful！
ALGERNON。Yes，thatisallverywell；butIamafraidAuntAugustawon’tquiteapproveofyourbeinghere。
JACK。MayIaskwhy？
ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，thewayyouflirtwithGwendolenisperfectlydisgraceful。ItisalmostasbadasthewayGwendolenflirtswithyou。
JACK。IaminlovewithGwendolen。Ihavecomeuptotownexpresslytoproposetoher。
ALGERNON。Ithoughtyouhadcomeupforpleasure？……Icallthatbusiness。
JACK。Howutterlyunromanticyouare！
ALGERNON。Ireallydon’tseeanythingromanticinproposing。Itisveryromantictobeinlove。Butthereisnothingromanticaboutadefiniteproposal。Why，onemaybeaccepted。Oneusuallyis，Ibelieve。Thentheexcitementisallover。Theveryessenceofromanceisuncertainty。IfeverIgetmarried，I’llcertainlytrytoforgetthefact。
JACK。Ihavenodoubtaboutthat，dearAlgy。TheDivorceCourtwasspeciallyinventedforpeoplewhosememoriesaresocuriouslyconstituted。
ALGERNON。Oh！thereisnousespeculatingonthatsubject。
DivorcesaremadeinHeaven-[JACKputsouthishandtotakeasandwich。ALGERNONatonceinterferes。]Pleasedon’ttouchthecucumbersandwiches。TheyareorderedspeciallyforAuntAugusta。
[Takesoneandeatsit。]
JACK。Well，youhavebeeneatingthemallthetime。
ALGERNON。Thatisquiteadifferentmatter。Sheismyaunt。
[Takesplatefrombelow。]Havesomebreadandbutter。ThebreadandbutterisforGwendolen。Gwendolenisdevotedtobreadandbutter。
JACK。[Advancingtotableandhelpinghimself。]Andverygoodbreadandbutteritistoo。
ALGERNON。Well，mydearfellow，youneednoteatasifyouweregoingtoeatitall。Youbehaveasifyouweremarriedtoheralready。Youarenotmarriedtoheralready，andIdon’tthinkyoueverwillbe。
JACK。Whyonearthdoyousaythat？
ALGERNON。Well，inthefirstplacegirlsnevermarrythementheyflirtwith。Girlsdon’tthinkitright。
JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense！
ALGERNON。Itisn’t。Itisagreattruth。Itaccountsfortheextraordinarynumberofbachelorsthatoneseesallovertheplace。
Inthesecondplace，Idon’tgivemyconsent。
JACK。Yourconsent！
ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，Gwendolenismyfirstcousin。AndbeforeIallowyoutomarryher，youwillhavetoclearupthewholequestionofCecily。[Ringsbell。]
JACK。Cecily！Whatonearthdoyoumean？Whatdoyoumean，Algy，byCecily！Idon’tknowanyoneofthenameofCecily。
[EnterLANE。]
ALGERNON。BringmethatcigarettecaseMr。Worthingleftinthesmoking-roomthelasttimehedinedhere。
LANE。Yes，sir。[LANEgoesout。]
JACK。Doyoumeantosayyouhavehadmycigarettecaseallthistime？Iwishtogoodnessyouhadletmeknow。IhavebeenwritingfranticletterstoScotlandYardaboutit。Iwasverynearlyofferingalargereward。
ALGERNON。Well，Iwishyouwouldofferone。Ihappentobemorethanusuallyhardup。
JACK。Thereisnogoodofferingalargerewardnowthatthethingisfound。
[EnterLANEwiththecigarettecaseonasalver。ALGERNONtakesitatonce。LANEgoesout。]
ALGERNON。Ithinkthatisrathermeanofyou，Ernest，Imustsay。
[Openscaseandexaminesit。]However，itmakesnomatter，for，nowthatIlookattheinscriptioninside，Ifindthatthethingisn’tyoursafterall。
JACK。Ofcourseit’smine。[Movingtohim。]Youhaveseenmewithitahundredtimes，andyouhavenorightwhatsoevertoreadwhatiswritteninside。Itisaveryungentlemanlythingtoreadaprivatecigarettecase。
ALGERNON。Oh！itisabsurdtohaveahardandfastruleaboutwhatoneshouldreadandwhatoneshouldn’t。Morethanhalfofmodernculturedependsonwhatoneshouldn’tread。
JACK。Iamquiteawareofthefact，andIdon’tproposetodiscussmodernculture。Itisn’tthesortofthingoneshouldtalkofinprivate。Isimplywantmycigarettecaseback。
ALGERNON。Yes；butthisisn’tyourcigarettecase。ThiscigarettecaseisapresentfromsomeoneofthenameofCecily，andyousaidyoudidn’tknowanyoneofthatname。
JACK。Well，ifyouwanttoknow，Cecilyhappenstobemyaunt。
ALGERNON。Youraunt！
JACK。Yes。Charmingoldladysheis，too。LivesatTunbridgeWells。Justgiveitbacktome，Algy。
ALGERNON。[Retreatingtobackofsofa。]ButwhydoesshecallherselflittleCecilyifsheisyourauntandlivesatTunbridgeWells？[Reading。]’FromlittleCecilywithherfondestlove。’
JACK。[Movingtosofaandkneelinguponit。]Mydearfellow，whatonearthisthereinthat？Someauntsaretall，someauntsarenottall。Thatisamatterthatsurelyanauntmaybeallowedtodecideforherself。Youseemtothinkthateveryauntshouldbeexactlylikeyouraunt！Thatisabsurd！ForHeaven’ssakegivemebackmycigarettecase。[FollowsALGERNONroundtheroom。]
ALGERNON。Yes。Butwhydoesyourauntcallyouheruncle？’FromlittleCecily，withherfondestlovetoherdearUncleJack。’
Thereisnoobjection，Iadmit，toanauntbeingasmallaunt，butwhyanaunt，nomatterwhathersizemaybe，shouldcallherownnephewheruncle，Ican’tquitemakeout。Besides，yournameisn’tJackatall；itisErnest。
JACK。Itisn’tErnest；it’sJack。
ALGERNON。YouhavealwaystoldmeitwasErnest。IhaveintroducedyoutoeveryoneasErnest。YouanswertothenameofErnest。YoulookasifyournamewasErnest。Youarethemostearnest-lookingpersonIeversawinmylife。Itisperfectlyabsurdyoursayingthatyournameisn’tErnest。It’sonyourcards。Hereisoneofthem。[Takingitfromcase。]’Mr。ErnestWorthing，B。4，TheAlbany。’I’llkeepthisasaproofthatyournameisErnestifeveryouattempttodenyittome，ortoGwendolen，ortoanyoneelse。[Putsthecardinhispocket。]
JACK。Well，mynameisErnestintownandJackinthecountry，andthecigarettecasewasgiventomeinthecountry。
ALGERNON。Yes，butthatdoesnotaccountforthefactthatyoursmallAuntCecily，wholivesatTunbridgeWells，callsyouherdearuncle。Come，oldboy，youhadmuchbetterhavethethingoutatonce。
JACK。MydearAlgy，youtalkexactlyasifyouwereadentist。Itisveryvulgartotalklikeadentistwhenoneisn’tadentist。Itproducesafalseimpression，ALGERNON。Well，thatisexactlywhatdentistsalwaysdo。Now，goon！Tellmethewholething。ImaymentionthatIhavealwayssuspectedyouofbeingaconfirmedandsecretBunburyist；andIamquitesureofitnow。
JACK。Bunburyist？WhatonearthdoyoumeanbyaBunburyist？
ALGERNON。I’llrevealtoyouthemeaningofthatincomparableexpressionassoonasyouarekindenoughtoinformmewhyyouareErnestintownandJackinthecountry。
JACK。Well，producemycigarettecasefirst。
ALGERNON。Hereitis。[Handscigarettecase。]Nowproduceyourexplanation，andpraymakeitimprobable。[Sitsonsofa。]
JACK。Mydearfellow，thereisnothingimprobableaboutmyexplanationatall。Infactit’sperfectlyordinary。OldMr。
ThomasCardew，whoadoptedmewhenIwasalittleboy，mademeinhiswillguardiantohisgrand-daughter，MissCecilyCardew。
Cecily，whoaddressesmeasherunclefrommotivesofrespectthatyoucouldnotpossiblyappreciate，livesatmyplaceinthecountryunderthechargeofheradmirablegoverness，MissPrism。
ALGERNON。Whereinthatplaceinthecountry，bytheway？
JACK。Thatisnothingtoyou，dearboy。Youarenotgoingtobeinvited……ImaytellyoucandidlythattheplaceisnotinShropshire。
ALGERNON。Isuspectedthat，mydearfellow！IhaveBunburyedalloverShropshireontwoseparateoccasions。Now，goon。WhyareyouErnestintownandJackinthecountry？
JACK。MydearAlgy，Idon’tknowwhetheryouwillbeabletounderstandmyrealmotives。Youarehardlyseriousenough。Whenoneisplacedinthepositionofguardian，onehastoadoptaveryhighmoraltoneonallsubjects。It’sone’sdutytodoso。Andasahighmoraltonecanhardlybesaidtoconduceverymuchtoeitherone’shealthorone’shappiness，inordertogetuptotownIhavealwayspretendedtohaveayoungerbrotherofthenameofErnest，wholivesintheAlbany，andgetsintothemostdreadfulscrapes。
That，mydearAlgy，isthewholetruthpureandsimple。
ALGERNON。Thetruthisrarelypureandneversimple。Modernlifewouldbeverytediousifitwereeither，andmodernliteratureacompleteimpossibility！
JACK。Thatwouldn’tbeatallabadthing。
ALGERNON。Literarycriticismisnotyourforte，mydearfellow。
Don’ttryit。Youshouldleavethattopeoplewhohaven’tbeenataUniversity。Theydoitsowellinthedailypapers。WhatyoureallyareisaBunburyist。IwasquiterightinsayingyouwereaBunburyist。YouareoneofthemostadvancedBunburyistsIknow。
JACK。Whatonearthdoyoumean？
ALGERNON。YouhaveinventedaveryusefulyoungerbrothercalledErnest，inorderthatyoumaybeabletocomeuptotownasoftenasyoulike。IhaveinventedaninvaluablepermanentinvalidcalledBunbury，inorderthatImaybeabletogodownintothecountrywheneverIchoose。Bunburyisperfectlyinvaluable。Ifitwasn’tforBunbury’sextraordinarybadhealth，forinstance，I
wouldn’tbeabletodinewithyouatWillis’sto-night，forIhavebeenreallyengagedtoAuntAugustaformorethanaweek。
JACK。Ihaven’taskedyoutodinewithmeanywhereto-night。
ALGERNON。Iknow。Youareabsurdlycarelessaboutsendingoutinvitations。Itisveryfoolishofyou。Nothingannoyspeoplesomuchasnotreceivinginvitations。
JACK。YouhadmuchbetterdinewithyourAuntAugusta。
ALGERNON。Ihaven’tthesmallestintentionofdoinganythingofthekind。Tobeginwith，IdinedthereonMonday，andonceaweekisquiteenoughtodinewithone’sownrelations。Inthesecondplace，wheneverIdodinethereIamalwaystreatedasamemberofthefamily，andsentdownwitheithernowomanatall，ortwo。Inthethirdplace，Iknowperfectlywellwhomshewillplacemenextto，to-night。ShewillplacemenextMaryFarquhar，whoalwaysflirtswithherownhusbandacrossthedinner-table。Thatisnotverypleasant。Indeed，itisnotevendecent……andthatsortofthingisenormouslyontheincrease。TheamountofwomeninLondonwhoflirtwiththeirownhusbandsisperfectlyscandalous。
Itlookssobad。Itinsimplywashingone’scleanlineninpublic。
Besides，nowthatIknowyoutobeaconfirmedBunburyistI
naturallywanttotalktoyouaboutBunburying。Iwanttotellyoutherules。
JACK。I’mnotaBunburyistatall。IfGwendolenacceptsme，Iamgoingtokillmybrother，indeedIthinkI’llkillhiminanycase。
Cecilyisalittletoomuchinterestedinhim。Itisratherabore。SoIamgoingtogetridofErnest。AndIstronglyadviseyoutodothesamewithMr……withyourinvalidfriendwhohastheabsurdname。
ALGERNON。NothingwillinducemetopartwithBunbury，andifyouevergetmarried，whichseemstomeextremelyproblematic，youwillbeverygladtoknowBunbury。AmanwhomarrieswithoutknowingBunburyhasaverytedioustimeofit。
JACK。Thatisnonsense。IfImarryacharminggirllikeGwendolen，andsheistheonlygirlIeversawinmylifethatI
wouldmarry，Icertainlywon’twanttoknowBunbury。
ALGERNON。Thenyourwifewill。Youdon’tseemtorealise，thatinmarriedlifethreeiscompanyandtwoisnone。
JACK。[Sententiously。]That，mydearyoungfriend，isthetheorythatthecorruptFrenchDramahasbeenpropoundingforthelastfiftyyears。
ALGERNON。Yes；andthatthehappyEnglishhomehasprovedinhalfthetime。
JACK。Forheaven’ssake，don’ttrytobecynical。It’sperfectlyeasytobecynical。
ALGERNON。Mydearfellow，itisn’teasytobeanythingnowadays。
There’ssuchalotofbeastlycompetitionabout。[Thesoundofanelectricbellisheard。]Ah！thatmustbeAuntAugusta。Onlyrelatives，orcreditors，everringinthatWagnerianmanner。Now，ifIgetheroutofthewayfortenminutes，sothatyoucanhaveanopportunityforproposingtoGwendolen，mayIdinewithyouto-
nightatWillis’s？
JACK。Isupposeso，ifyouwantto。
ALGERNON。Yes，butyoumustbeseriousaboutit。Ihatepeoplewhoarenotseriousaboutmeals。Itissoshallowofthem。
[EnterLANE。]
LadyBracknellandMissFairfax。
[ALGERNONgoesforwardtomeetthem。EnterLADYBRACKNELLandGWENDOLEN。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Goodafternoon，dearAlgernon，Ihopeyouarebehavingverywell。
ALGERNON。I’mfeelingverywell，AuntAugusta。
LADYBRACKNELL。That’snotquitethesamething。Infactthetwothingsrarelygotogether。[SeesJACKandbowstohimwithicycoldness。]
ALGERNON。[ToGWENDOLEN。]Dearme，youaresmart！
GWENDOLEN。Iamalwayssmart！AmInot，Mr。Worthing？
JACK。You’requiteperfect，MissFairfax。
GWENDOLEN。Oh！IhopeIamnotthat。Itwouldleavenoroomfordevelopments，andIintendtodevelopinmanydirections。
[GWENDOLENandJACKsitdowntogetherinthecorner。]
LADYBRACKNELL。I’msorryifwearealittlelate，Algernon，butI
wasobligedtocallondearLadyHarbury。Ihadn’tbeentheresinceherpoorhusband’sdeath。Ineversawawomansoaltered；
shelooksquitetwentyyearsyounger。AndnowI’llhaveacupoftea，andoneofthosenicecucumbersandwichesyoupromisedme。
ALGERNON。Certainly，AuntAugusta。[Goesovertotea-table。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Won’tyoucomeandsithere，Gwendolen？
GWENDOLEN。Thanks，mamma，I’mquitecomfortablewhereIam。
ALGERNON。[Pickingupemptyplateinhorror。]Goodheavens！
Lane！Whyaretherenocucumbersandwiches？Iorderedthemspecially。
LANE。[Gravely。]Therewerenocucumbersinthemarketthismorning，sir。Iwentdowntwice。
ALGERNON。Nocucumbers！
LANE。No，sir。Notevenforreadymoney。
ALGERNON。Thatwilldo，Lane，thankyou。
LANE。Thankyou，sir。[Goesout。]
ALGERNON。Iamgreatlydistressed，AuntAugusta，abouttherebeingnocucumbers，notevenforreadymoney。
LADYBRACKNELL。Itreallymakesnomatter，Algernon。IhadsomecrumpetswithLadyHarbury，whoseemstometobelivingentirelyforpleasurenow。
ALGERNON。Ihearherhairhasturnedquitegoldfromgrief。
LADYBRACKNELL。Itcertainlyhaschangeditscolour。FromwhatcauseI，ofcourse，cannotsay。[ALGERNONcrossesandhandstea。]
Thankyou。I’vequiteatreatforyouto-night，Algernon。IamgoingtosendyoudownwithMaryFarquhar。Sheissuchanicewoman，andsoattentivetoherhusband。It’sdelightfultowatchthem。
ALGERNON。Iamafraid，AuntAugusta，Ishallhavetogiveupthepleasureofdiningwithyouto-nightafterall。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Frowning。]Ihopenot，Algernon。Itwouldputmytablecompletelyout。Yourunclewouldhavetodineupstairs。
Fortunatelyheisaccustomedtothat。
ALGERNON。Itisagreatbore，and，Ineedhardlysay，aterribledisappointmenttome，butthefactisIhavejusthadatelegramtosaythatmypoorfriendBunburyisveryillagain。[ExchangesglanceswithJACK。]TheyseemtothinkIshouldbewithhim。
LADYBRACKNELL。Itisverystrange。ThisMr。Bunburyseemstosufferfromcuriouslybadhealth。
ALGERNON。Yes；poorBunburyisadreadfulinvalid。
LADYBRACKNELL。Well，Imustsay，Algernon，thatIthinkitishightimethatMr。Bunburymadeuphismindwhetherhewasgoingtoliveortodie。Thisshilly-shallyingwiththequestionisabsurd。
NordoIinanywayapproveofthemodernsympathywithinvalids。
Iconsideritmorbid。Illnessofanykindishardlyathingtobeencouragedinothers。Healthistheprimarydutyoflife。Iamalwaystellingthattoyourpooruncle，butheneverseemstotakemuchnotice……asfarasanyimprovementinhisailmentgoes。I
shouldbemuchobligedifyouwouldaskMr。Bunbury，fromme，tobekindenoughnottohavearelapseonSaturday，forIrelyonyoutoarrangemymusicforme。Itismylastreception，andonewantssomethingthatwillencourageconversation，particularlyattheendoftheseasonwheneveryonehaspracticallysaidwhatevertheyhadtosay，which，inmostcases，wasprobablynotmuch。
ALGERNON。I’llspeaktoBunbury，AuntAugusta，ifheisstillconscious，andIthinkIcanpromiseyouhe’llbeallrightbySaturday。Ofcoursethemusicisagreatdifficulty。Yousee，ifoneplaysgoodmusic，peopledon’tlisten，andifoneplaysbadmusicpeopledon’ttalk。ButI’llranovertheprogrammeI’vedrawnout，ifyouwillkindlycomeintothenextroomforamoment。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thankyou，Algernon。Itisverythoughtfulofyou。[Rising，andfollowingALGERNON。]I’msuretheprogrammewillbedelightful，afterafewexpurgations。FrenchsongsI
cannotpossiblyallow。Peoplealwaysseemtothinkthattheyareimproper，andeitherlookshocked，whichisvulgar，orlaugh，whichisworse。ButGermansoundsathoroughlyrespectablelanguage，andindeed，Ibelieveisso。Gwendolen，youwillaccompanyme。
GWENDOLEN。Certainly，mamma。
[LADYBRACKNELLandALGERNONgointothemusic-room，GWENDOLEN
remainsbehind。]
JACK。Charmingdayithasbeen，MissFairfax。
GWENDOLEN。Praydon’ttalktomeabouttheweather，Mr。Worthing。
Wheneverpeopletalktomeabouttheweather，Ialwaysfeelquitecertainthattheymeansomethingelse。Andthatmakesmesonervous。
JACK。Idomeansomethingelse。
GWENDOLEN。Ithoughtso。Infact，Iamneverwrong。
JACK。AndIwouldliketobeallowedtotakeadvantageofLadyBracknell’stemporaryabsence……
GWENDOLEN。Iwouldcertainlyadviseyoutodoso。MammahasawayofcomingbacksuddenlyintoaroomthatIhaveoftenhadtospeaktoherabout。
JACK。[Nervously。]MissFairfax，eversinceImetyouIhaveadmiredyoumorethananygirl……Ihaveevermetsince……I
metyou。
GWENDOLEN。Yes，Iamquitewellawareofthefact。AndIoftenwishthatinpublic，atanyrate，youhadbeenmoredemonstrative。
Formeyouhavealwayshadanirresistiblefascination。EvenbeforeImetyouIwasfarfromindifferenttoyou。[JACKlooksatherinamazement。]Welive，asIhopeyouknow，MrWorthing，inanageofideals。Thefactisconstantlymentionedinthemoreexpensivemonthlymagazines，andhasreachedtheprovincialpulpits，Iamtold；andmyidealhasalwaysbeentolovesomeoneofthenameofErnest。Thereissomethinginthatnamethatinspiresabsoluteconfidence。ThemomentAlgernonfirstmentionedtomethathehadafriendcalledErnest，IknewIwasdestinedtoloveyou。
JACK。Youreallyloveme，Gwendolen？
GWENDOLEN。Passionately！
JACK。Darling！Youdon’tknowhowhappyyou’vemademe。
GWENDOLEN。MyownErnest！
JACK。Butyoudon’treallymeantosaythatyoucouldn’tlovemeifmynamewasn’tErnest？
GWENDOLEN。ButyournameisErnest。
JACK。Yes，Iknowitis。Butsupposingitwassomethingelse？Doyoumeantosayyoucouldn’tlovemethen？
GWENDOLEN。[Glibly。]Ah！thatisclearlyametaphysicalspeculation，andlikemostmetaphysicalspeculationshasverylittlereferenceatalltotheactualfactsofreallife，asweknowthem。
JACK。Personally，darling，tospeakquitecandidly，Idon’tmuchcareaboutthenameofErnest……Idon’tthinkthenamesuitsmeatall。
GWENDOLEN。Itsuitsyouperfectly。Itisadivinename。Ithasamusicofitsown。Itproducesvibrations。
JACK。Well，really，Gwendolen，ImustsaythatIthinktherearelotsofothermuchnicernames。IthinkJack，forinstance，acharmingname。
GWENDOLEN。Jack？……No，thereisverylittlemusicinthenameJack，ifanyatall，indeed。Itdoesnotthrill。Itproducesabsolutelynovibrations……IhaveknownseveralJacks，andtheyall，withoutexception，weremorethanusuallyplain。Besides，JackisanotoriousdomesticityforJohn！AndIpityanywomanwhoismarriedtoamancalledJohn。Shewouldprobablyneverbeallowedtoknowtheentrancingpleasureofasinglemoment’ssolitude。TheonlyreallysafenameisErnestJACK。Gwendolen，Imustgetchristenedatonce-Imeanwemustgetmarriedatonce。Thereisnotimetobelost。
GWENDOLEN。Married，Mr。Worthing？
JACK。[Astounded。]Well……surely。YouknowthatIloveyou，andyouledmetobelieve，MissFairfax，thatyouwerenotabsolutelyindifferenttome。
GWENDOLEN。Iadoreyou。Butyouhaven’tproposedtomeyet。
Nothinghasbeensaidatallaboutmarriage。Thesubjecthasnotevenbeentouchedon。
JACK。Well……mayIproposetoyounow？
GWENDOLEN。Ithinkitwouldbeanadmirableopportunity。Andtospareyouanypossibledisappointment，Mr。Worthing，Ithinkitonlyfairtotellyouquitefranklybefore-handthatIamfullydeterminedtoacceptyou。
JACK。Gwendolen！
GWENDOLEN。Yes，Mr。Worthing，whathaveyougottosaytome？
JACK。YouknowwhatIhavegottosaytoyou。
GWENDOLEN。Yes，butyoudon’tsayit。
JACK。Gwendolen，willyoumarryme？[Goesonhisknees。]
GWENDOLEN。OfcourseIwill，darling。Howlongyouhavebeenaboutit！Iamafraidyouhavehadverylittleexperienceinhowtopropose。
JACK。Myownone，Ihaveneverlovedanyoneintheworldbutyou。
GWENDOLEN。Yes，butmenoftenproposeforpractice。IknowmybrotherGeralddoes。Allmygirl-friendstellmeso。Whatwonderfullyblueeyesyouhave，Ernest！Theyarequite，quite，blue。Ihopeyouwillalwayslookatmejustlikethat，especiallywhenthereareotherpeoplepresent。[EnterLADYBRACKNELL。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Mr。Worthing！Rise，sir，fromthissemi-recumbentposture。Itismostindecorous。
GWENDOLEN。Mamma！[Hetriestorise；sherestrainshim。]Imustbegyoutoretire。Thisisnoplaceforyou。Besides，Mr。
Worthinghasnotquitefinishedyet。
LADYBRACKNELL。Finishedwhat，mayIask？
GWENDOLEN。IamengagedtoMr。Worthing，mamma。[Theyrisetogether。]
LADYBRACKNELL。Pardonme，youarenotengagedtoanyone。Whenyoudobecomeengagedtosomeone，I，oryourfather，shouldhishealthpermithim，willinformyouofthefact。Anengagementshouldcomeonayounggirlasasurprise，pleasantorunpleasant，asthecasemaybe。Itishardlyamatterthatshecouldbeallowedtoarrangeforherself……AndnowIhaveafewquestionstoputtoyou，Mr。Worthing。WhileIammakingtheseinquiries，you，Gwendolen，willwaitformebelowinthecarriage。
GWENDOLEN。[Reproachfully。]Mamma！
LADYBRACKNELL。Inthecarriage，Gwendolen！[GWENDOLENgoestothedoor。SheandJACKblowkissestoeachotherbehindLADY
BRACKNELL’Sback。LADYBRACKNELLlooksvaguelyaboutasifshecouldnotunderstandwhatthenoisewas。Finallyturnsround。]
Gwendolen，thecarriage！
GWENDOLEN。Yes，mamma。[Goesout，lookingbackatJACK。]
LADYBRACKNELL。[Sittingdown。]Youcantakeaseat，Mr。
Worthing。
[Looksinherpocketfornote-bookandpencil。]
JACK。Thankyou，LadyBracknell，Ipreferstanding。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Pencilandnote-bookinhand。]Ifeelboundtotellyouthatyouarenotdownonmylistofeligibleyoungmen，althoughIhavethesamelistasthedearDuchessofBoltonhas。
Weworktogether，infact。However，Iamquitereadytoenteryourname，shouldyouranswersbewhatareallyaffectionatemotherrequires。Doyousmoke？
JACK。Well，yes，ImustadmitIsmoke。
LADYBRACKNELL。Iamgladtohearit。Amanshouldalwayshaveanoccupationofsomekind。TherearefartoomanyidlemeninLondonasitis。Howoldareyou？
JACK。Twenty-nine。
LADYBRACKNELL。Averygoodagetobemarriedat。Ihavealwaysbeenofopinionthatamanwhodesirestogetmarriedshouldknoweithereverythingornothing。Whichdoyouknow？
JACK。[Aftersomehesitation。]Iknownothing，LadyBracknell。
LADYBRACKNELL。Iampleasedtohearit。Idonotapproveofanythingthattamperswithnaturalignorance。Ignoranceislikeadelicateexoticfruit；touchitandthebloomisgone。Thewholetheoryofmoderneducationisradicallyunsound。FortunatelyinEngland，atanyrate，educationproducesnoeffectwhatsoever。Ifitdid，itwouldproveaseriousdangertotheupperclasses，andprobablyleadtoactsofviolenceinGrosvenorSquare。Whatisyourincome？
JACK。Betweensevenandeightthousandayear。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Makesanoteinherbook。]Inland，orininvestments？
JACK。Ininvestments，chiefly。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thatissatisfactory。Whatbetweenthedutiesexpectedofoneduringone’slifetime，andthedutiesexactedfromoneafterone’sdeath，landhasceasedtobeeitheraprofitorapleasure。Itgivesoneposition，andpreventsonefromkeepingitup。That’sallthatcanbesaidaboutland。
JACK。Ihaveacountryhousewithsomeland，ofcourse，attachedtoit，aboutfifteenhundredacres，Ibelieve；butIdon’tdependonthatformyrealincome。Infact，asfarasIcanmakeout，thepoachersaretheonlypeoplewhomakeanythingoutofit。
LADYBRACKNELL。Acountryhouse！Howmanybedrooms？Well，thatpointcanbeclearedupafterwards。Youhaveatownhouse，Ihope？
Agirlwithasimple，unspoilednature，likeGwendolen，couldhardlybeexpectedtoresideinthecountry。
JACK。Well，IownahouseinBelgraveSquare，butitisletbytheyeartoLadyBloxham。Ofcourse，IcangetitbackwheneverI
like，atsixmonths’notice。
LADYBRACKNELL。LadyBloxham？Idon’tknowher。
JACK。Oh，shegoesaboutverylittle。Sheisaladyconsiderablyadvancedinyears。
LADYBRACKNELL。Ah，nowadaysthatisnoguaranteeofrespectabilityofcharacter。WhatnumberinBelgraveSquare？
JACK。149。
LADYBRACKNELL。[Shakingherhead。]Theunfashionableside。I
thoughttherewassomething。However，thatcouldeasilybealtered。
JACK。Doyoumeanthefashion，ortheside？
LADYBRACKNELL。[Sternly。]Both，ifnecessary，Ipresume。Whatareyourpolities？
JACK。Well，IamafraidIreallyhavenone。IamaLiberalUnionist。
LADYBRACKNELL。Oh，theycountasTories。Theydinewithus。Orcomeintheevening，atanyrate。Nowtominormatters。Areyourparentsliving？
JACK。Ihavelostbothmyparents。
LADYBRACKNELL。Toloseoneparent，Mr。Worthing，mayberegardedasamisfortune；tolosebothlookslikecarelessness。Whowasyourfather？Hewasevidentlyamanofsomewealth。WasheborninwhattheRadicalpaperscallthepurpleofcommerce，ordidherisefromtheranksofthearistocracy？
JACK。IamafraidIreallydon’tknow。Thefactis，LadyBracknell，IsaidIhadlostmyparents。Itwouldbenearerthetruthtosaythatmyparentsseemtohavelostme……Idon’tactuallyknowwhoIambybirth。Iwas……well，Iwasfound。
LADYBRACKNELL。Found！
JACK。ThelateMr。ThomasCardew，anoldgentlemanofaverycharitableandkindlydisposition，foundme，andgavemethenameofWorthing，becausehehappenedtohaveafirst-classticketforWorthinginhispocketatthetime。WorthingisaplaceinSussex。
Itisaseasideresort。
LADYBRACKNELL。Wheredidthecharitablegentlemanwhohadafirst-classticketforthisseasideresortfindyou？
JACK。[Gravely。]Inahand-bag。
LADYBRACKNELL。Ahand-bag？
JACK。[Veryseriously。]Yes，LadyBracknell。Iwasinahand-bag-asomewhatlarge，blackleatherhand-bag，withhandlestoit-anordinaryhand-baginfact。
LADYBRACKNELL。InwhatlocalitydidthisMr。James，orThomas，Cardewcomeacrossthisordinaryhand-bag？
JACK。Inthecloak-roomatVictoriaStation。Itwasgiventohiminmistakeforhisown。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thecloak-roomatVictoriaStation？
JACK。Yes。TheBrightonline。
LADYBRACKNELL。Thelineisimmaterial。Mr。Worthing，IconfessI
feelsomewhatbewilderedbywhatyouhavejusttoldme。Tobeborn，oratanyratebred，inahand-bag，whetherithadhandlesornot，seemstometodisplayacontemptfortheordinarydecenciesoffamilylifethatremindsoneoftheworstexcessesoftheFrenchRevolution。AndIpresumeyouknowwhatthatunfortunatemovementledto？Asfortheparticularlocalityinwhichthehand-bagwasfound，acloak-roomatarailwaystationmightservetoconcealasocialindiscretion-hasprobably，indeed，beenusedforthatpurposebeforenow-butitcouldhardlyberegardedasanassuredbasisforarecognisedpositioningoodsociety。
JACK。MayIaskyouthenwhatyouwouldadvisemetodo？IneedhardlysayIwoulddoanythingintheworldtoensureGwendolen’shappiness。
LADYBRACKNELL。Iwouldstronglyadviseyou，Mr。Worthing，totryandacquiresomerelationsassoonaspossible，andtomakeadefiniteefforttoproduceatanyrateoneparent，ofeithersex，beforetheseasonisquiteover。
JACK。Well，Idon’tseehowIcouldpossiblymanagetodothat。I
canproducethehand-bagatanymoment。Itisinmydressing-roomathome。Ireallythinkthatshouldsatisfyyou，LadyBracknell。
LADYBRACKNELL。Me，sir！Whathasittodowithme？YoucanhardlyimaginethatIandLordBracknellwoulddreamofallowingouronlydaughter-agirlbroughtupwiththeutmostcare-tomarryintoacloak-room，andformanalliancewithaparcel？Goodmorning，Mr。Worthing！
[LADYBRACKNELLsweepsoutinmajesticindignation。]
JACK。Goodmorning！[ALGERNON，fromtheotherroom，strikesuptheWeddingMarch。Jacklooksperfectlyfurious，andgoestothedoor。]Forgoodness’sakedon’tplaythatghastlytune，Algy。Howidioticyouare！
[ThemusicstopsandALGERNONenterscheerily。]
ALGERNON。Didn’titgooffallright，oldboy？Youdon’tmeantosayGwendolenrefusedyou？Iknowitisawayshehas。Sheisalwaysrefusingpeople。Ithinkitismostill-naturedofher。
JACK。Oh，Gwendolenisasrightasatrivet。Asfarassheisconcerned，weareengaged。Hermotherisperfectlyunbearable。
NevermetsuchaGorgon……Idon’treallyknowwhataGorgonislike，butIamquitesurethatLadyBracknellisone。Inanycase，sheisamonster，withoutbeingamyth，whichisratherunfair……Ibegyourpardon，Algy，IsupposeIshouldn’ttalkaboutyourownauntinthatwaybeforeyou。
ALGERNON。Mydearboy，Ilovehearingmyrelationsabused。Itistheonlythingthatmakesmeputupwiththematall。Relationsaresimplyatediouspackofpeople，whohaven’tgottheremotestknowledgeofhowtolive，northesmallestinstinctaboutwhentodie。
JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense！
ALGERNON。Itisn’t！
JACK。Well，Iwon’targueaboutthematter。Youalwayswanttoargueaboutthings。
ALGERNON。Thatisexactlywhatthingswereoriginallymadefor。
JACK。Uponmyword，ifIthoughtthat，I’dshootmyself……[A
pause。]Youdon’tthinkthereisanychanceofGwendolenbecominglikehermotherinaboutahundredandfiftyyears，doyou，Algy？
ALGERNON。Allwomenbecomeliketheirmothers。Thatistheirtragedy。Nomandoes。That’shis。
JACK。Isthatclever？
ALGERNON。Itisperfectlyphrased！andquiteastrueasanyobservationincivilisedlifeshouldbe。
JACK。Iamsicktodeathofcleverness。Everybodyisclevernowadays。Youcan’tgoanywherewithoutmeetingcleverpeople。
Thethinghasbecomeanabsolutepublicnuisance。Iwishtogoodnesswehadafewfoolsleft。
ALGERNON。Wehave。
JACK。Ishouldextremelyliketomeetthem。Whatdotheytalkabout？
ALGERNON。Thefools？Oh！aboutthecleverpeople，ofcourse。
JACK。Whatfools！
ALGERNON。Bytheway，didyoutellGwendolenthetruthaboutyourbeingErnestintown，andJackinthecountry？
JACK。[Inaverypatronisingmanner。]Mydearfellow，thetruthisn’tquitethesortofthingonetellstoanice，sweet，refinedgirl。Whatextraordinaryideasyouhaveaboutthewaytobehavetoawoman！
ALGERNON。Theonlywaytobehavetoawomanistomakelovetoher，ifsheispretty，andtosomeoneelse，ifsheisplain。
JACK。Oh，thatisnonsense。
ALGERNON。Whataboutyourbrother？WhatabouttheprofligateErnest？
JACK。Oh，beforetheendoftheweekIshallhavegotridofhim。