首页 >出版文学> Painted Windows>第2章

第2章

  "Good-bye,Norah,"saidshe。
  IsawNorahturnandrunupamongthetrees,almostasswiftlyandsilentlyasahare。Once,sheturnedtolookback。Iwaswatching,andcaughtthechancetowavemyhandtoher。
  "Come!"commandedmother,andwewentbacktowherefatherwassit-
  ting。
  "Whatdoyouthink!"saidmother。
  "IfoundthechildplayingwithoneoftheBadMadigans。Isn’tsheasight!"
  Thelumpinmythroatswelledtoaterriblesize;somethingbuzzedinmyears,andIheardsomeoneweeping。
  ForasecondortwoIdidn’trealisethatitwasmyself。
  "Well,nevermind,dear,"saidmother’svoicesoothingly。"Thefrockwillwash,andthetearwillmend,andtheshoeswillblack。Yes,andthescratcheswillheal。"
  "Itisn’tthat,"Isobbed。"Oh,oh,itisn’tthat!"
  "Whatisit,then,forgoodnesssake?"askedmother。
  ButIwouldnottell。Icouldnottell。HowcouldIsaythatthedaughteroftheBadMadiganswasthefirstrealandsatisfyingplaymateIhadeverhad?
  IV
  FAME
  ASIremembertheboysandgirlswhogrewupwithme,Ithinkofthemasartists,oractors,ortravellers,orrichmerchants。Eachofus,bythetimewewerehalfthroughgrammarschool,hadselectedacareer。SofarasIrecollect,thiscareerhadverylit-
  tletodowithourabilities。Wemerelychosesomethingthatsuitedus。Ourenergyandourvanitycrystallisedintoparticularshapes。TherewasasortofreligionabroadintheWestatthattimethatapersoncoulddoalmostanythinghesetouttodo。Theolderpeople,aswellasthechildren,hadanideathattheworldwastheirs——theyallwereMonteCristosinthatrespect。
  Asforme,Ihaddecidedtobeanorator。
  Atthetimeofmakingthisdecision,Iwasnineyearsofage,decidedlythinandlongdrawnout,withtwobrownbraidsdownmyback,andaterrificshynesswhichIoccasionallyovercamewithsuchamagnificentsplurgethatthosewhowerenotacquaintedwithmypeculiaritiesprobablythoughtmeashamefullyassertivechild。
  Ibasedmyoratoricalaspirationsuponmyhavingtakentheprizeanum-
  beroftimesinSunday-schoolforlearn-
  ingthemostNewTestamentverses,anduponthefactthatIalwayscouldmakemyselfheardtothefarthestcor-
  neroftheroom。IalsofeltthatIhadagreatmessagetodelivertotheworldwhenIgotaroundit,thoughinthis,I
  wasinnowaydifferentfromseveralofmyfriends。Ihadnoticedanumberofthingsintheworldthatwerenotquiteright,andwhichIthoughtneededattention,andIbelievedthatifIwerequitegoodandstudiedelocution,inalittlewhileIshouldbeabletosetmypartoftheworldright,andperhapsevenextendmyinfluencetoadjoiningdistricts。
  MeantimeIpractisedterriblevocalexercises,chieflyconsistingofarau-
  cous"caw"somethinglikeacrow’sfavouriteremark,andadvocatedbymyteacherinelocutionfornoreasonthatIcannowremember;andIstoodbe-
  foretheglassforhoursatatimemak-
  inggrimacessoastoacquirethe"ac-
  tor’sface,"tillmyfrightenedlittlesis-
  tersimploredmetoturnbackintomy-
  selfagain。
  ItwasagreatdayformewhenI
  wasaskedtoparticipateintheHarvestHomeFestivalatourchurchonThanksgivingDay。Ilookeduponitasthebeginningofmycareer,andboughtcrimpingpaperssothatmyhaircouldbeproperlyfluted。Ofcourse,Iwantedanewdressfortheoccasion,andI
  spentseveraldaysinplanningthekindofaoneIthoughtbestsuitedtosuchamemorableevent。IevenpickedouttheparticularlacepatternIwantedfortheruffles。ThiswasbeforeIsubmittedthepropositiontoMother,however。WhenItoldheraboutitshesaidshecouldseenouseingettinganewdressandgoingtoallthetroubleofmakingitwhenmywhiteonewiththegreenharpswasperfectlygood。
  Thiswassuchanunusualdressandhadgonethroughsomanyvicissitudes,thatIreallywasdevotedlyattachedtoit。Ithad,inthebeginning,belongedtomyAuntBess,andinthedaysofitsfirstgloryhadbeenasheerIrishlinenlawn,withtinygreenharpsonitatagreeableintervals。Butinthecourseoftime,ithadtobesenttothewash-tub,andthen,behold,allthelit-
  tlelovelyharpsfollowedtheexampleoftheharpthat"oncethroughTara’shallthesoulofmusicshed,"anddis-
  appeared!Onlyvague,dirty,yellowremindersoftheirbeautyremained,nottodecorate,buttodisfigurethefinefabric。
  AuntBess,naturallyenough,feltir-
  ritated,andshegavethegoodstomother,sayingthatshemightbeabletoboiltheyellowstainsoutofitandmakemeadress。Ihadgoneaboutmanyatime,likeloveamidtheruins,inthefragmentsofAuntBess’ssplen-
  dour,andIwasnothappyinthethoughtofdanglingthesedimmedre-
  mindersofIreland’spastaroundwithme。ButmothersaidshethoughtI’dhaveareallytrulywhiteSundaybestdressoutofitbythetimeshewasthroughwithit。Soshepreparedastrongsolutionofsodiumandthings,andboiledthebreadths,andeverylittlegreenharpcamedancingbackasifawaitingthehandofanewDublinpoet。
  Thegreenofthemwasevenmorecharmingthanithadbeenatfirst,andI,ashappyasifIhadacquiredthegoldenharpforwhichIthenvaguelylonged,wenttoSunday-schoolallthatsummerinthismiraculousdressofnow-you-see-them-and-now-you-don’t,andbecamesousedtobeingaskedifI
  wereIrishthatmyheartexultedwhenIfoundthatImight——fractionally——
  claimtobe,andthatoneoftheFenianmartyrshadbeenanancestor。Forayear,even,afterthatdiscoveryoftheFenianmartyr,ancestorswereafa-
  voritestudyofmine。
  Well,thoughthedressbecamesome-
  thingmorethanfamiliartotheeyesofmyassociates,IwassoattachedtoitthatIfeltnoobjectiontowearingitonthegreatoccasion;and,thatbe-
  ingsettled,allthatremainedwastoselectthepiecewhichwastorevealmytalentstoahithertounappreciative——
  or,perhapsIshouldsay,unsuspecting——groupoffriendsandrelatives。ItseemedtomethatIknewbetterthanmyteacher(whohadagreedtoselectthepiecesforherpupils)possiblycouldwhatsortofathingbestrepre-
  sentedmytalents,andso,aftersomethought,Iselected"AntonyandCleo-
  patra,"andasIlaggedalongthetoo-
  familiarroadtoschool,avoidingthecompanionshipofmyacquaintances,I
  repeated:
  Iamdying,Egypt,dying!
  Ebbsthecrimsonlife-tidefast,AndthedarkPlutonianshadowsGatherontheeveningblast。
  SometimesIgrewsoimpassioned,soheedlessofallsavemymimicsorrowandtheswingofthepurplelines,thatIcouldnotbringmyselftomodifymyvoice,andthepassers-byheardmyshrilltonesvibratingwith:
  Asforthee,star-eyedEgyptian!
  GlorioussorceressoftheNile!
  LightthepathtoStygianhorrorsWiththesplendourofthysmile。
  Iwipeddishestotherhythmofsuchphrasesas"scarredandveteranle-
  gions,"andlacedmyshoestothemusicof"Thoughnoglitteringguardssur-
  roundme。"
  Confidentthatnoonecouldfailtoseethebeautyoftheselines,orthepro-
  prietyoftheidentificationofmyselfwithAntony,IcalleduponmySunday-
  schoolteacher,MissGoss,toreport。I
  neverhadthoughtofMissGossasablithespirit。Shewasassociatedinmymindwithnumeroussolemnoccasions,andIwassurprisedtofindthatonthisdaysheunexpectedlydevelopedatraitofbreakingintonervouslaughter。I
  hadgotasfaras"Shouldthebaseple-
  beianrabble——"whenMissGossbrokedowninwhatIcouldnotbutregardasafitofgiggles,andIceasedabruptly。
  Shepulledherselftogetherafteramomentortwo,andsaidifIwouldfol-
  lowhertothelibraryshethoughtshecouldfindsomething——hereshehesi-
  tated,toconcludewith,"morewithintheunderstandingoftheotherchil-
  dren。"Isawthatshethoughtmyfeel-
  ingswerehurt,andasIpassedamir-
  rorIfearedshehadsomereasontothinkso。Myfacewasuncommonlyflushed,andalookofindignationhadcrept,somehow,evenintomybraids,which,havingbeenplaitedtootightly,stuckoutincrooksandkinksfromthesideofmyhead。Incidentally,IwashorrifiedtonoticehowthinIwas——
  thin,evenforadyingAntony——andmyfrockwassooutgrownthatithardlycoveredmyknees。"Ridiculous!"I
  saidundermybreath,asIconfrontedthismiserablefigure——soshamefullyin-
  significantforthevicariousemotionswhichithadbeenhousing。"Ridicu-
  lous!"
  IhatedMissGoss,andmusthaveshownitinmystonystare,forsheputherarmaroundmeandsaiditwasapityIhadbeentoallthetroubletolearnapoemwhichwas——well,atrifletoo——tooold——butthatshehopedtofindsomethingequally"pretty"formetospeak。AttheuseofthatadjectiveinconnectionwithWilliamLytle’slines,I
  wrenchedawayfromhergraspandstoodinwhatIwaspleasedtothinkahaughtycalm,awaitingherdirections。
  Shetookfromtheshelvesalittlevol-
  umeofWhittier,boundincalf,hand-
  lingitastenderlyasifitwereaprice-
  lesspossession。Somepressedvioletsdroppedoutassheopenedit,andshereplacedthemwithdevotionalfingers。
  Aftersometimeshedecideduponalyriclamententitled"Eva。"Iwasaskedtorunovertheverses,andfoundthemremarkablyeasytolearn;fatallyimpossibletoforget。Ipresentlyaroseandwithanimpishbetrayalofthepov-
  ertyofrhymeandtheplethoraofsen-
  timent,repeatedthethingrelentlessly。
  Oforfaithlikethine,sweetEva,Lightingallthesolemnreevah[river],Andtheblessingsofthepoor,Waftingtotheheavenlyshoor[shore]。
  "Idothink,"saidMissGossgently,"thatifyoutried,mychild,youmightmanagetherhymesjustalittlebetter。"
  "Butifyou’reborninMichigan,"I
  protested,"howcanyoupossiblymake’Eva’rhymewith’never’and’be-
  liever’?"
  "Perhapsitisalittlehard,"MissGossagreed,andstillclingingtoherWhittier,sheexhumed"ThePump-
  kin,"whichshethoughtpreciselyfittedforourHarvestHomefestival。Thiswasquiteanotherthingfrom"Eva,"
  andIsawthatonlyhoursofstudywouldfixitinmymind。Iwenttomyhome,therefore,with"ThePumpkin"
  delicatelytranscribedinMissGoss’srunninghand,andItriedtogetsomecomfortfromtheforeignallusionsglit-
  teringthroughWhittier’skindlyverse。
  AsthedayswentbyIcametohaveacertainfondnessforthosehomelylines:
  O——fruitlovedofboyhood!——theolddaysre-
  calling,Whenwoodgrapeswerepurplingandbrownnutswerefalling!
  Whenwild,uglyfaceswecarvedintheskin,Glaringoutthroughthedarkwithacandlewithin!
  Whenwelaughedroundthecorn-heap,withheartsallintune,Ourchairabroadpumpkin——ourlanternthemoon,TellingtalesofthefairywhotravelledlikesteamInapumpkin-shellcoach,withtworatsforherteam!
  Onallsidesthispoemwasconsideredveryfitting,andIwenttothefestivalwiththatcomfortablefeelingonehaswhenoneismovingwiththemajorityandiswearingone’sbestclothes。
  Isatrigidwithexpectancywhilemyschoolmatesspoketheir"pieces"andsangtheirsongs。Withfrozenfacestheyfacedeachotherindialogues,losttheirquaveringvoices,andstumbleddownthestairsintheiranguishofspirit。Ipitiedthem,andthoughthowluckyitwasthatmymemoryneverfailedme,andthatmyvoicecarriedsowellthatIcouldarouseevenoldElderWaitefromhisslumbers。
  Thenmyturncame。Mycrimpswerebeautiful;thegreenharpsdancedonmyfreshly-ironedfrock,andIhadonmynewchainandlocket。Irelieduponasortofmechanisminmetosay:
  Ogreenlyandfairinthelandsofthesun,Thevinesofthegourdandtherichmelonrun。
  InthisseemlymannerWhittier’sodetothepumpkinbegan。ImeanttogoontoverseswhichIknewwouldde-
  lightmyaudience——toreferencestothe"crook-necks"ripeningundertheSep-
  tembersun;andtoThanksgivinggath-
  eringsatwhichallsmiledatthereun-
  ionoffriendsandthebountyoftheboard。
  Whatmoistensthelipandbrightenstheeye!
  Whatcallsbackthepastliketherichpumpkinpie!
  Iwassuretheselineswouldmeetwithapproval,andhaving"comedowntothepopulartaste,"Iwaspreparedtodomybesttoplease。
  Afterafewseconds,whenthegoldenpumpkinsthatlinedthestagehadceasedtodancebeforemyeyes,I
  thoughtIoughttobeginto"getholdofmyaudience。"Ofcourse,mymem-
  orywouldbegivingmetherightwords,andmyfaciletonguerunningalongre-
  liably,butIwishedtodemonstratethat"ability"whichwastobringmefa-
  vourandfame。Ilistenedtomyownwordsandwasshiveredintosilence。I
  wastalkingabout"darkPlutonianshadows";Iwasbegging"Egypt"toletherarmsenfoldme——Iwas,indeed,intheverythickoftheforbiddenpoem。
  Icouldhearmythin,aspiringvoicereachingoutoverthatparalysedaudi-
  encewith:
  ThoughmyscarredandveteranlegionsBeartheireagleshighnomore;
  AndmywreckedandscatteredgalleysStrewdarkActium’sfatalshore。
  Mytongueseemedfrozen,orsomekindofaratchetatthebaseofithadgotoutoforder。Foramoment——amomentcanbethelittlesisterofeter-
  nity——Icouldsaynothing。ThenI
  foundmyselfintheclutchesofthein-
  stinctforself-preservation。Ifeltitinmetostopthegigglesofthegirlsonthefrontseat;totakethepatronisingsmilesoutofthetoleranteyesofthegrownpeople。Maybemyvoicelostsomethingofitspipinginsistenceandwastouchedwithgenuinefeeling;per-
  hapssomefaint,faintsparkofthedi-
  vinefirewhichIlongedtofanintoaflamedidflickerinmeforthatonetime。
  Ihadtheindescribablehappinessofseeingthesmilesdieonthefacesofmyelders,andofhearingthegigglesofmyfriendscease。
  IwenttomyseatamidwhatIwaspleasedtoconsider"thundersofap-
  plause,"andbywayofacknowledg-
  ment,Ispoke,withchastenedpropri-
  ety,Whittier’sodetothepumpkin。
  IcannotrememberwhetherornotI
  wasscolded。I’mafraid,afterward,somepeoplestilllaughed。Asforme,oddlyenough,myoratoricalaspira-
  tionsdied。Idecidedtherewereothercareersbetterfittedtooneofmyphysique。SoIhadtogotothetroubleoffindinganothercareer;butjustwhatitwasIhaveforgotten。
  V
  REMORSE
  ITisextraordinary,whenyoucometothinkofit,howveryfewdays,outofallthethousandsthathavepassed,lifttheirheadsfromthegreyplainoftheforgotten——likebowldersinalevelstretchofcountry。Itisnotalonetheunimportantonesthatarefor-
  gotten;but,accordingtoone’selders,manyimportantoneshaveleftnomarkinthememory。Itseemstome,asI
  thinkitover,thatitwasthedaysthataffectedtheemotionsthatdwellwithme,andIsupposeallofusmustbethesameinthisrespect。
  AmongthosewhichIamnevertoforgetisthedaywhenAuntCordeliacametovisitus——mymother’saunt,shewas——andwhenIdiscoveredevil,andtriedtounderstandwhattheuseofitwas。
  Great-auntCordeliawas,asIoftenandoftenhadbeentold,notonlymuchtravelled,richandhandsome,butgoodalso。Shewas,indeed,animportantpersonageinherowncity,anditseemedtoberegardedasanevidenceofunusualfamilyfealtythatsheshouldgoabout,nowandthen,brieflyvisitingallofherkinfolktoseehowtheyfaredintheworld。Ioughttohavelookedforwardtomeetingher,butthis,forsomeperversereason,Ididnotdo。IwishedImightrunawayandhidesomewheretillhervisitwasover。Itannoyedmetohavetocleanuptheplay-roomonheraccount,andtohelppolishthesilver,andtocomboutthefringeoftheteanapkins。I
  likedtohelpinthesetasksordinarily,buttodoitforthepurposeofcominguptoavisiting——andprobably,acon-
  descending——goddess,somehowmademecross。
  Amongotherhardships,IhadtotakecareofmylittlesisterJulieallday。I
  lovedJulie。Shehadsoftgolden-
  browncurlsfuzzingaroundonherhead,andmischievousbrowneyes——
  warm,extra-humaneyes。Therewasaplaceinthebackofherneck,justbelowthepointofhercurls,whichitwasaprivilegetokiss;andthoughshecouldnotyettalk,shehadathroaty,beauti-
  fullittleexclamation,whichcannotbespelledanymorethanabirdnote,withwhichshegreetedallthethingssheliked——aflower,oratoy,ormother。
  ButlovingJulieasshesatinmother’slap,andhavingtocareforherallofashiningSaturday,weretwoquitedif-
  ferentthings。AsthehoursworealongIbecameboredwithlookingatthegoldencurlsofmybabysister;Ihadnoinclinationtokissthe"honey-spot"
  inthebackofherneck;andwhenshefrettedfromheatandteethingandmyperfunctorycare,Igrewangry。
  Iknewmotherwasbusymakingcus-
  tardsandcakesforAuntCordelia,andIlongedtobeinwatchingthesepleas-
  ingoperations。Ithought——butwhatdoesitmatterwhatIthought?Iwasbad!IwassobadthatIwasgladI
  wasbad。Perhapsitwasnerves。May-
  beIreallyhadtakencareofthebabytoolong。Buthoweverthatmaybe,forthefirsttimeinmylifeIenjoyedtheconsciousnessofhavingabaddisposi-
  tion——orperhapsIoughttosaythatI
  feltafiendishsatisfactioninthediscov-
  erythatIhadone。
  Alonginthemiddleoftheafternoonthreeofthegirlsintheneighbourhoodcameovertoplay。Theyhadtheirdolls,andtheywantedto"keephouse"
  inthe"newpart"ofourhome。Wewerelivinginaroomyandcomfortable"addition,"whichhad,oddlyenough,beenbuiltbeforethebuildingtowhichitwasfinallytoserveasanannex。Thatistosay,ithadbeentheadditionbe-
  foretherewasanythingtoadditto。
  Bythistime,however,thenewhousewasgettingatrifleold,asitwaitedforthecompletionofitsratherdispropor-
  tionatesplendours;splendourswhichrepresentedtheambitionsratherthantheachievementsofthefamily。Ittow-
  ered,large,square,imposing,withhintsofM。Mansard’sgrandiosearchitectu-
  ralideasinitsstyle,intheverycentreofavillageblockofland。Fromthefirst,itexercisedasortof"IdreamtI
  dweltinmarblehalls"effectuponme,andinavagueway,atthebackofmymind,floatedtheideathatwhenwepassedfromourmodesthomeintothiscommandingedifice,well-trainedservantsmysteriouslywouldappear,beautifulgownswouldbefoundawait-
  ingmyuseintheclosets,andfatherandmotherwouldbeabletotaketheirease,somethingafterthefashionofthe"landedgentry"ofwhomIhadreadinScotchandEnglishbooks。Theceil-
  ingsofthenewhouseweresohigh,thesweepofthestairssodramatic,thesizeofthedrawing-roomssocopious,thatperhapsIhardlywastobeblamedforexpectingatransformationscene。
  Butuntilthisnewlifewasrealised,theclean,bareroomsmadethebestofallpossibleplay-rooms,andwiththelightstreaminginthroughthetrees,andfalling,delicatelytingedwithgreen,uponthenewfloors,andwiththescentofthenewwoodallabout,itwasaplaceofindefinableenchantment。
  IwasallowedtoplaythereallIpleased——exceptwhenIhadJulie。Therewereunguardedwindowsandyawningstair-
  holes,andnostepsasyetleadingfromthegroundtothegreatopeningwherethecarvedfrontdoorwassometimetobe。Instead,therewereplanks,in-
  clinedatasteepangle,beneathwhichlaythestonesofwhichthefoundationtotheporchweretobemade。Jaggedpiecesofyetunhewnsandstonetheywere,withcrueledges。
  Butto-daywhenthegirlssaid,"Oh,come!"mynewlydiscoveredbadnessechoedtheirwords。Iwantedtogowiththem。SoIwent。
  OutofthecornerofmyeyeIcouldseefatherinthedistance,butI
  wouldn’tlookathimforfearhewouldbemagnetisedintoturningmyway。
  Thegirlshadgoneup,andIfollowed,withJulieinmyarms。DidIhearfathercalltometostop?HealwayssaidIdid,butIthinkhewasmistaken。
  PerhapsImerelydidn’twishtohearhim。Anyway,Iwenton,balancingmyselfasbestIcould。Theothergirlshadreachedthetop,andturnedtolookatus,andIknewtheywereafraid。I
  thinktheywouldhaveheldouttheirhandstohelpme,butIhadbotharmsclaspedaboutJulie。SoIstaggeredon,gotalmosttothetop,thenseemedsub-
  mergedbeneathawaveoffears——mineandthoseofthegirls——andfell!AsIwent,IcurledlikeasquirrelaroundJulie,andwhenIstruck,shewasstillinmygraspandontopofme。Butsherolledoutofmyrelaxingclutchafterthat,andwhenfatherandmothercamerunning,shewaslyingonthestones。
  Theythoughtshehadfallenthatway,andasthebreathhadbeenfairlyknockedoutofherlittlebody,sothatshewasnotcrying,theyweremorefrightenedthanever,andranwithhertothehouse,wildwithapprehension。
  Asforme,Igotupsomehowandfol-
  owed。Idecidednoboneswerebroken,butIwasdizzyandfaint,andachingfrombruises。Isawmylittlefriendsrunningdowntheplankandmakingoffalongthepoplardrive,white-facedandpanting。IknewtheythoughtJuliewasdeadandthatI’dbehung。Ihadthesameidea。
  Whenwegottothesitting-roomI
  hadastrangefeelingofneverhavingseenitbefore。Thetallstove,thegreenandoakingraincarpet,thegreenrepchairs,thewhat-notwithitsshells,thesteelengravingsonthewalls,seemedabsolutelystrange。Isatdownandcountedthediamond-shapedfiguresontheoilclothinfrontofthestove;
  andafteralongtimeIheardJuliecry,andmothersaywithimmeasurablere-
  lief:
  "Asidefromashakingup,Idon’tbelieveshe’sabittheworse。"
  ThensomeonebroughtmeacupfulofcoldwaterandaskedmeifIwashurt。Ishookmyheadandwouldnotspeak。Ithenheard,insimpleandem-
  phaticAnglo-Saxontheopinionsofmyfatherandmotheraboutagirlwhowouldputherlittlesister’slifeindan-
  ger,andwoulddisobeyherparents。
  AndafterthatIwasputinmymoth-
  er’sbedroomtopasstherestoftheday,andwastoldIneedn’texpecttocometothetablewiththeothers。
  Iacceptedmyfatestoically,andbe-
  ingpermittedtocarrymyownchairintotheroom,Iputitbythewesternwindow,whichlookedacrosstwomilesofmeadowswavinginbuckwheat,incloverandgrass,andsatthereinacu-
  rioustorporofspirit。Iwasgladtobealone,forIhaddiscoveredanewidea——theideaofsin。IwishedtobelefttomyselftillIcouldthinkoutwhatitmeant。IbelievedIcoulddothatbynight,and,afterIhadgottotherootofthematter,Icouldcastthewholeuglythingoutofmysoulandbegoodalltherestofmylife。
  Therewasalargeupholsteredchairstandinginfrontofme,andIputmyheaddownontheseatofthatandthoughtandthought。MythoughtsreachedsofarthatIgrewfrightened,andIwasrelievedwhenIfeltthelittlesoftgreyveilsdrawingaboutmewhichIknewmeantsleep。ItseemedtomethatIreallyoughttoweep——thatthecircumstancesweresuchthatIshouldweep。Butsleepwassweeterthantears,andnotonlythepaininmymindbutthejarandbruiseofmybodyseemedtodemandthatoblivion。SoI
  gavewaytotheimpulse,andthegreyveilswrappedaroundandaroundmeasaspider’swebenwrapsafly。AndforhoursIknewnothing。
  WhenIawokeitwasthecloseofday。
  Longtendershadowslayacrossthefields,theskyhadthatwonderfulclear-
  nessandkindnesswhichislikeahu-
  maneye,andthesoftwindpuffinginatthewindowwassweetwithfieldfragrance。Aglassofmilkandaplatewithtwoslicesofbreadlayonthewin-
  dowsillbyme,asifsomeonehadplacedthemtherefromtheoutside。I
  couldhearbirdssettlingdownforthenight,andcheepingdrowsilytoeachother。Mycatcameonthesceneand,seeingme,lookedatmewithserious,expandingeyes,twitchedherwhiskerscynically,andpassedon。PresentlyI
  heardthevoicesofmyfamily。Theywerere-enteringthesitting-room。Sup-
  perwasover——supper,withitscoldmeatsandshiningjellies,its"floatingisland"anditsfigcake。Icouldhearavoicethatwasnewtome。Itwasdeeperthanmymother’s,anditsac-
  centwasdifferent。Itwasthesortofavoicethatmadeyoufeelthatitsownerhadtalkedwithmanydifferentkindsofpeople,andhadcontrivedtoholdherownwithallofthem。IknewitbelongedtoAuntCordelia。AndnowthatIwasnottoseeher,Ifeltmycuri-
  osityarisinginme。Iwantedtolookather,andstillmoreIwishedtoaskheraboutgoodness。Shewasrichandgood!Wasonetheresultoftheother?
  Andwhichcamefirst?Idimlyper-
  ceivedthatiftherehadbeenmoremoneyinourhousetherewouldhavebeenmorehelp,andIwouldnothavebeenledintotemptation——babywouldnothavebeenlefttoolonguponmyhands。However,afterafewmomentsofself-pity,Irejectedthisthought。I
  knewIreallywastoblame,anditoc-
  curredtomethatIwouldaddtomyfaultsifItriedtoputtheblameonany-
  bodyelse。
  Nowthatthefirstshockwasoverandthatmysleephadrefreshedme,Ibe-
  gantoseewhatterriblesorrowhadbeenmineifthefallhadreallyinjuredJulie;andasuddenthoughtshookme。
  Shemight,afterall,havebeenhurtinsomewaythatwouldshowitselflateron。Iyearnedtolookuponher,toseeifallhersweetnessandsoftnesswasin-
  tact。ItseemedtomethatifIcouldnotseehertherisinggriefinmewouldbreak,andIwouldsobaloud。Ididn’twanttodothat。Ihadnonotiontocallanyattentiontomyselfwhatever,butseethebabyImust。So,softly,andlikeathief,Iopenedthedoorcom-
  municatingwiththelittledressing-
  roominwhichJulie’scradlestood。Thecurtainhadbeendrawnanditwasal-
  mostdark,butIfoundmywaytoJulie’sbassinet。Icouldnotquiteseeher,butthedelicateodourofherbreathcameuptome,andIfoundherlittlehandandslippedmyfingerinit。
  Itwasgrippedinababypressure,andIstoodthereenraptured,feelingasifaflowerhadcaressedme。Iwasthrilledthroughandthroughwithhap-
  piness,andwithloveforthislittlecrea-
  ture,whommyselfishnessmighthavedestroyed。TherewasnothinginwhathadhappenedduringthismomentortwowhenIstoodbyhersidetoassuremethatallwaswellwithher;butIdidsobelieve,andIsaidoverandover:
  "Thankyou,God!Thankyou,God!"
  Andnowmytearsbegantoflow。
  Theycameinastorm——astormIcouldnotcontrol,andIfledbacktomother’sroom,andstoodtherebeforethewestwindowweepingasIneverhadweptbefore。
  Thequietlovelinessoftheclosingdayhadpassedintothesplendouroftheafterglow。Mightywingsasofbrightangels,pinkandshiningwhite,reachedupoverthesky。Thevaultwaspurpleaboveme,andpaledtolilac,thentogreenofunimaginabletenderness。
  NowIquenchedmytearstolook,andthenIweptagain,weepingnomoreforsorrowandlonelinessandshamethanforgratitudeanddelightinbeauty。Sofairaworld!Whathadsintodowithit?Icouldnotmakeitout。
  Theshiningwingsgrewpaler,faded,thendarkened;themelancholysoundofcow-bellsstoleupfromthecommon。
  Thebirdswerestill;alowwindrustledthetrees。Isatthinkingmyyoung"nightthoughts"ofhowmarvellousitwasforthesuntoset,torise,tokeepitsplaceinheaven——ofhowwrappedaboutwithmysterieswewere。Whatiftheworldshouldstarttofallingthroughspace?Wherewoulditland?
  Wasthereevenabottomtotheuni-
  verse?"Worldwithoutend"mightmeanthattherewasneitheranendtospacenoryettotime。Ishiveredatthoughtofsuchvastness。
  Suddenlylightstreamedaboutme,warmarmsenfoldedme。
  "Mother!"Imurmured,andslippedfromtheunknowntothedearfamiliar-
  ityofhershoulder。
  Itwas,Isoonperceived,asilk-cladshoulder。Motherhadonherbestdress;nay,sheworehercoralpinandear-rings。HerlacecollarwasscentedwithJockeyClub,andherneck,intowhichIwasburrowing,hadtheinde-
  scribablesomethingthatwasnotquiteodour,notallsoftness,butwascom-
  poundedoftheseandmeantmother。
  Shesaidlittletomeasshedrewmeawayandbathedmyface,brushedandplaitedmyhair,andputonmycleanfrock。Butwefelthappytogether。I
  knewshewasasgladtoforgiveasI
  wastobeforgiven。
  Inalittlewhilesheledme,blinking,intothelight。Atallstranger,aladyinprune-colouredsilk,satinthehigh-
  backedchair。
  "Thisismyeldestgirl,AuntCor-
  delia,"saidmymother。Iwentfor-
  wardtimidly,wonderingifIwerereallygoingtobegreetedbythisper-
  sonwhomusthaveheardsuchterriblereportsofme。Ifoundmyselfcaughtbythehandsanddrawnintotheem-
  braceofthisnew,grandacquaintance。
  "Well,I’vebeenwantingtoseeyou,"saidtherich,kindvoice。"TheysayyoulookasIdidatyourage。Theysayyouarelikeme!"
  Likeher——whowasgood!Butnoonereferredtothisdifferenceorsaidanythingaboutmysins。Whenweweresorry,wasevil,then,forgottenandsinforgiven?Aweightasofirondroppedfrommyspirit。Isankwithasighonthehassockatmyaunt’sfeet。Iwasoncemoreamemberofsociety。
  VI
  TRAVEL
  ITwastimetosaygood-bye。
  Ihadbeendowntomylittlebrother’sgraveandwateredthesorrelthatgrewonit——Ithoughtitwassor-
  row,andsotendedit;andIhadwalkedaroundthehouseandsaidgood-byetoeverywindow,andtotherobin’snest,andtomyplayhouseintheshed。I
  hadputacleanribbononthecat’sneck,andkissedmydoll,andgivenpresentstomylittlesisters。Now,shiveringbe-
  neathmynewgreyjacketinthechilloftheMaymorningair,Istoodreadytopartwithmymother。Shewasalittleflurriedwithhavingjustironedmypinaforesandcollars,andwithhav-
  ingputthelasthookonmynewStuartplaidfrock,andshelookedmeoverwithratherananxiouseye。Asforme,Ithoughtmyclothescharming,andI
  lovedthescarletquillinmygreyhat,andthesetofmynewshoes。Ihoped,aboveall,thatnoonewouldnoticethatIwastremblingandlayitdowntofear。
  Ofcourse,Ihadbeenawaybefore。
  ItwasnotthefirsttimeIhadlefteverythingtotakecareofitself。ButthistimeIwasgoingalone,andthatgaveratheradifferentaspecttothings。
  Togointothecountryforafewdays,oreventoDetroit,inthecompanyofawatchfulparent,mightbecalleda"visit";buttogoalone,partlybytrainandpartlybystage,andtoarrivebyone’sself,amountedto"travel。"I
  hadanauntwhohadtravelled,andI
  feltthismorningthatloveoftravelraninthefamily。ProbablyevenAuntCordeliahadbeenatriflenervous,atfirst,whenshestartedoutforHa-
  waii,say,orforEgypt。
  MotherandIwerebothfearfulthatthedriverofthestation’bushadn’treallyunderstoodthathewastocall。
  Firstshewouldaskfather,andthenI
  wouldaskhim,ifhewasquitesurethemanunderstood,andfathersaidthatifthemancouldunderstandEnglishatall——andhesupposedhecould——hehadunderstoodthat。Fatherwasrightaboutit,too,forjustwhenwe——thatis,motherandI——werealmostgivingup,the’bushorsesswunginthebiggateandcamepoundingupthedrivebe-
  tweentheLombardypoplars,whichwereoutintheiryellow-greenspringdress。Theywereabayteamwithayellowharnesswhichclinkedsplendidlywithbonerings,andthe’buswasasyellowasapumpkin,andshapednotunlikeone,sothatIgaveitmyinstantapproval。ItwaspreciselythesortofvehicleinwhichIwouldhavechosentogoaway。SoabsorbedwasIinitthat,thoughImusthavekissedmother,Ihavereallynorecollectionofit;anditwasonlywhenwewereswingingoutofthegate,andIlookedbackandsawherstandinginthedoorwatchingus,thataterriblepangcameoverme,sothatforonecrazymomentIthoughtIwasgoingtojumpoutandrunbacktoher。
  ButIheldontofather’shandandturnedmyfaceawayfromhomewithallthecourageIcouldsummon,andwewentonthroughthetownandoutacrossalonelystretchofcountrytotherailroad。Forwewereanobstinatelit-
  tletown,andwouldnotbuilduptotherailroadbecausetherailroadhadre-
  fusedtorunuptous。Itwasanewstationwithafineechoinit,andthemanwhocalledoutthetrainshadabeautifulvoiceforechoes。Itwascre-
  atedtoinspirethemandtoencouragethem,andIstoodfascinatedbythethunderousnoiseshewasmakingtillfatherseizedmebythehandandthrustmeintothecareofthetrainconductor。
  Theysaidsomethingtoeachotherinthesharp,explosivewaymenhave,andtheconductortookmetoaseatandtoldmeIwashisgirlforthetimebe-
  ing,andtostayrighttheretillhecameformeatmystation。
  Whatamazedmewasthatthecarshouldbefullofpeople。Icouldnotimaginewheretheyallcouldbegoing。
  Itwasallverywellforme,whobe-
  longedtoafamilyoftravellers——aswit-
  nessAuntCordelia——tobegoingonajourney,butfortheseothers,thesemany,manyothers,tobewanderingaround,heavenknowswhere,struckmeasbeingnotright。Itseemedtotakesomewhatfromthegloryofmyadven-
  ture。
  However,Inoticedthatmostofthemlookedpoor。Theirclotheswereoldandugly;theirfacesnotthoseofpleas-
  ure-seekers。Itwasverydifficulttoimaginethattheycouldaffordajour-
  ney,whichwas,asIbelieved,agreatluxury。Atfirst,thepeoplelookedtobeallofasort,butafteralittleIbe-
  gantoseethedifferences,andtono-
  ticethatthisonelookedhappy,andthatonesad,andanotherasifhehadmuchtodoandlikedit,andseveralothersasiftheyhadverylittleideawheretheyweregoingorwhy。
  ButIlikedbettertolookfromthewindowsandtoseetheworld。ThehousesseemedquitefamiliarandasifIhadseenthemoftenbefore。IhardlycouldbelievethatIhadn’twalkedupthosepaths,openedthosedoorsandseatedmyselfatthetables。IfeltthatifIwentinthosehousesIwouldknowwhereeverythingwas——justwherethedisheswerekept,andtheBible,andthejam。Itstruckmethathouseswereverymuchalikeintheworld,andthatledtothethoughtthatpeople,too,wereprobablyalike。SoIforgotwhattheconductorhadsaidtomeaboutkeepingstill,andIcrossedovertheaisleandsatdownbesidealittlegirlwhowasregrettablyyoung,butwholookedpleasant。Hermotherandgrand-
  motherweresittingopposite,andtheysmiledatmeinawaterysortofwayasiftheythoughtasmilewasexpectedofthem。Imeanttotalktothelittlegirl,butIsawshewasalmostonthevergeoftears,anditdidn’ttakemelongtodiscoverwhatwasthematter。
  Herlittlepinkhatwasheldonbyanelasticband,which,beingputbehindherearsandunderherchin,wascut-
  tinghercruelly。Iknewbyexperiencethatifthebandwereplacedinfrontofherearsthetensionwouldbelessened;
  so,withthemostbenevolentintentionsintheworld,Iinsertedmyfingersbe-
  tweentherubberandherchubbycheeks,drewitoutwithnervousbutfriendlyfingers,somehowletgoofit,andsnapacrosshertworedcheeksandherprettypugnosewentthelacerat-
  ingelastic,leavingaweltbehindit!
  "Whatdoyoumean,youbadgirl?"
  criedthemother,takingmebytheshoulderswithasortofgripIhadneverfeltbefore。"Ineversawsuchachild——never!"
  Anoldwomanwithafacelikeahenleanedoverthebackoftheseat。
  "What’sshedone?What’sshedone?"shedemanded。Themothertoldher,asthegrandmothercomfortedthehurtbaby。
  "Gobacktoyourseatandstaythere!"commandedthemother。"Seeyoudon’tcomenearhereagain!"
  MylipstrembledwiththeanguishI
  couldhardlyrestrain。Neverhadanoblesoulbeenmoremisunderstood。
  Stupidbeings!Howdarethey!Yet,nottobelikedbythem——nottobeun-
  derstood!Thatwasunendurable。
  Wouldtheylistentothegentlewordthatturnethawaywrath?Iwasin-
  clinedtothinknot。Iwasfairlypant-
  ingundermyloadofdismayandde-
  spondency,whenalargemanwithanextraordinarilycleanappearancesatdownoppositeme。Hewasastudyingrey——greysuit,tie,socks,gloves,hat,top-coat——yes,andeyes!Heleanedforwardingratiatingly。
  "WhatdoyouthinkAuntEllensentmelastweek?"heinquired。
  Weseemedtobeoldacquaintances,andinmysecondofperplexityIde-
  cidedthatitwasmereforgetfulnessthatmademeunabletorecalljustwhomhewastalkingabout。SoIonlysaidpolitely:"Idon’tknow,I’msure,sir。"
  "Why,yes,youdo!"helaughed。
  "Couldn’tyouguess?WhatshouldAuntEllensendbutsomeofthatwhitemaplesugarofhers;betterthanever,too。I’veapoundofitalongwithme,andI’dbegladtopryoffafewpiecesifyou’dliketoeatit。YoualwaysweresofondofAuntEllen’smaplesugar,youknow。"
  Thetonecarriedconviction。OfcourseImusthavebeenfondofit;
  indeed,uponreflection,IfeltthatIhadbeen。Bythetimethemanwasbackwithaparallelogramofthemaplesugarinhishand,Iwasconvincedthathehadspokenthetruth。
  "AuntEllencertainlyisadear,"hewenton。"IrundowntoseehereverytimeIgetachance。Sameoldrain-
  barrel!Sameoldbeehives!Sameoldwell-sweep!Wouldn’ttradethemforanyothersintheworld。Ilikeevery-
  thingabouttheplace——likethe’OldMan’thatgrowsbythegate;andthetomatotrellis——nobodyelsetreatsto-
  matoeslikeflowers;andtheherbgar-
  den,andthecupboardwiththelittlewood-carvingsinitthatUncleBenmade。YourememberUncleBen?
  Beenasailor——brokebothlegs——had’emcutoff——andsataroundandcarvedwhileAuntEllentaughtschool。Happytheywere——noonehappier。Broughtmeup,youknow。Didn’thaveafatherormother——justgatheredmein。Goodsort,those。UncleBen’sgone,butAuntEllen’samothertomeyet。
  Thinksofme,travelling,travelling,neverputtingmyheaddowninthesamebedtwonightsrunning;andhereandthereandeverywheresheovertakesmewithlittlescrapsoutofhome。That’sAuntEllenforyou!"
  Asthedelicioussugarmeltedonmytongue,thesorrowsmeltedinmysoul,andIwasjustabouttomakesomein-
  quiriesaboutAuntEllen,whoseper-
  sonalqualitiesseemedtobegrowingclearerandclearerinmymind,whenmyconductorcamestridingdowntheaisle。
  "Where’smylittlegirl?"hede-
  mandedheartily。"Ah,theresheis,justwhereIlefther,ingoodcompanyandeatingmaplesugar,asIlive。"
  "Well,shehain’tbinthereallthetimenow,Ikentellyethat!"criedtheoldwomanwithafacelikeahen。
  "Indeed,sheain’t!"theotherwomenjoinedin。"She’samischief-
  makin’child,that’swhatsheis!"saidthemother。Thelittlegirlwaslook-
  ingoverhergrandmother’sshoulder,andsheranoutaveryred,serpent-
  liketongueatme。
  "She’sagoodgirl,andalmostasfondofAuntEllenasIam,"saidthelargeman,findingmypocket,andput-
  tingahugepieceofmaplesugarinit。
  Theconductor,meantime,wasgath-
  eringmythings,andwitha"Comealong,now!Thisiswhereyouchange,"heledmefromthecar。I
  glancedbackonce,andthehen-facedwomanshookherwitheredbrownfistatme,andthelargemanwavedandsmiled。TheconductorandIranashardaswecould,hecarryingmylightluggage,toastagethatseemedtobewaitingforus。Heshoutedsomedi-
  rectionstothedriver,depositedmewithin,andranbacktohistrain。AndI,aloneagain,lookedaboutme。
  Wewereintheheartofalittletown,andanumberofmenwerestandingaroundwhilethehorsestooktheirfillatthewatering-trough。Thisaccom-
  plished,thedrivercheckedupthehorses,mountedtohishighseat,wasjoinedbyaheavyyoungman;twogen-
  tlemenenteredtheinsideofthecoach,andwewereoff。
  Oneofthesegentlemenwasveryold。
  Hissilverhairhungonhisshoulders;
  hehadabeautifulflowingheardwhichgleamedinthelight,thekindestoffaces,litwithlaughingblueeyes,andheleanedforwardonhisheavystickandseemedtomindtheplungingofourvehicle。Theothermanwasmid-
  dle-aged,dark,silent-looking,and,I
  decided,ratherlikeaking。Weallrodeinsilenceforawhile,butbyandbytheoldmansaidkindly:
  "Whereareyougoing,mychild?"
  Itoldhim。
  "Andwhosedaughterareyou?"heinquired。Itoldhimthatwithpride。
  "Iknowpeopleallthroughthestate,"
  hesaid,"butIdon’tseemtorememberthatname。"
  "Don’tyouremembermyfather,sir?"Icried,anxiously,edgingupclosertohim。"Notthatgreatandgoodman!Why,AbrahamLincolnandmyfatherarethegreatestmenthateverlived!"
  Hisheadnoddedstrangely,ashelifteditandlookedatmewithhislaughingeye。
  "It’sapityIdon’tknowhim,thatbeingthecase,"hesaidgently。"But,anyway,you’realuckylittlegirl。"
  "Yes,"Isighed,"Iam,indeed。"
  ButmyattentionwastakenbyourapproachtowhatIrecognisedasan"estate。"Agreatgatewithhighposts,flatontop,metmygaze,andthroughthisgatewayIcouldseeadriveandmanybeautifultrees。Alittleboywassittingontopofoneoftheposts,watchingus,andIthoughtIneverhadseenaplacebetteradaptedtoviewingthepassingprocession。Ilongedtobeontheothergatepost,exchangingconfi-
  dencesacrosstheharmlessgulfwiththisnice-lookingboy,when,mostunex-
  pectedly,thehorsesbegantoplunge。
  Thenextsecondtheairwasfilledwithbuzzingblackobjects。
  "Bees!"saidtheking。Itwasthefirstwordhehadspoken,andatrueworditwas。Swarmingbeeshadset-
  tledintheroad,andwehaddrivenun-
  awareintothemidstofthem。Thehorsesweredistracted,andmadeblind-
  lyforthegate,thoughtheyseemedmuchmorelikelytorunintothepoststhantogetthroughthegate,Ithought。
  Theboyseemedtothinkthis,too,forheshotbackward,turnedasomersaultin。theair,anddisappearedfromview。
  "Godblessme!"saidtheking。
  Theheavyyoungmanonthefrontseatjumpedfromhisplaceandbeganbeatingawaythebeesandholdingthehorsesbythebridles,andinafewmin-
  uteswewereonourway。Thehorseshadbeenbadlystung,andtheheavyyoungmanlookedratherbumpy。Asforus,thekinghadshutthestagedooratthefirstapproachoftrouble,andwewereunharmed。
  Afterthis,weallfeltquitewellac-
  quainted,andtheoldgentlemantoldmesomewonderfulstoriesaboutgoingaboutamongtheIndiansandaboutthemeninthelumbercampsandtheset-
  tlersonthelakeislands。AfterwardI
  learnedthathewasabishop,andabraveandholymanwhomitwasagreathonourtomeet,but,atthetime,Ionlythoughtofhowkindhewastopareapplesformeandtotellmetales。
  Thekingseldomspokemorethanonewordatatime,buthewaskind,too,inhisway。Oncehesaid,"Sleepy?"tome。And,again,"Hungry?"Hedidn’tlookoutatthelandscapeatall,andneitherdidthebishop。ButIranfromonesidetotheother,andthelastofthejourneyIwastakenupbetweenthedriverandtheheavymanonthehighseat。
  Presentlywewereinalittletownwithcottagesalmosthiddenamongthetrees。Abluestreamranthroughgreenfields,andthewaterdashedoveradam。Icouldhearthesongofthemillandtherippingoftheboards。
  "We’rehere!"saidthedriver。
  Theheavymanliftedmedown,andmyyoungunclecamerunningoutwithhisarmsopentoreceiveme。"Whatatraveller!"hesaid,kissingme。
  "It’sbeenatremendouslylongandinterestingjourney,"Isaid。
  "Yes,"heanswered。"Tenmilesbyrailandtenbystage。Isupposeyou’vehadagreatmanyadventures!"
  "Oh,yes!"Icried,andachedtotellthem,butfearedthiswasnottheplace。
  Isawmyunclerespectfullyhelpingthebishoptoalight,andheardhiminquir-
  ingforhishealth,andthebishopan-
  sweringinhiskind,deepvoice,andsayingIwasindeedagoodtravellerandsawalltherewastosee——andalit-
  tlemore。Thekingshookhandswithme,andthistimesaidtwowords:
  "Goodluck。"Unclehadnoideawhohewas——noonehadseenhimbefore。
  Uncledidn’tquitelikehislooks。ButIdid。Hewasuncommon;hewasdif-
  ferent。Ithoughtofallthosepeopleinthetrainwhohadbeensoalike。AndthenIrememberedwhatunexpecteddifferencestheyhadshown,andturnedtosmileatmyuncle。
  "IshouldsayIhavehadadven-
  tures!"Icried。
  "We’llgethometoyouraunt,"hesaid,"andthenwe’llhearallaboutthem。"
  Wecrossedabridgeabovetheroar-
  ingmill-race,wentupalane,anden-
  teredArcadia。Thatwasthewayitseemedtome。Itwasreallyacottageaboveastream,whereyouthandlovedwelt,andhonourandhospitality,andthelittlehousewastobeexchangedforagreateronewhere——thoughyouthde-
  parted——loveandhonourandhospital-
  itywerestilltodwell。
  "Travel’sagreatthing,"saidmyuncle,ashehelpedmeoffwithmyjacket。
  "Yes,"Ianswered,solemnly,"itisagreatprivilegetoseetheworld。"
  Istillamofthatopinion。Ihaveseensomeoddbitsofit,andIcannotunderstandwhyitisthatotherjour-
  neyshavenotquitecomeuptothatfirstone,whenIheardofAuntEllen,andsawtheboyturnthesurprisedsomersault,andwaswelcomedbytwoloversinalittleArcadia。