"Good-bye,Norah,"saidshe。
IsawNorahturnandrunupamongthetrees,almostasswiftlyandsilentlyasahare。Once,sheturnedtolookback。Iwaswatching,andcaughtthechancetowavemyhandtoher。
"Come!"commandedmother,andwewentbacktowherefatherwassit-
ting。
"Whatdoyouthink!"saidmother。
"IfoundthechildplayingwithoneoftheBadMadigans。Isn’tsheasight!"
Thelumpinmythroatswelledtoaterriblesize;somethingbuzzedinmyears,andIheardsomeoneweeping。
ForasecondortwoIdidn’trealisethatitwasmyself。
"Well,nevermind,dear,"saidmother’svoicesoothingly。"Thefrockwillwash,andthetearwillmend,andtheshoeswillblack。Yes,andthescratcheswillheal。"
"Itisn’tthat,"Isobbed。"Oh,oh,itisn’tthat!"
"Whatisit,then,forgoodnesssake?"askedmother。
ButIwouldnottell。Icouldnottell。HowcouldIsaythatthedaughteroftheBadMadiganswasthefirstrealandsatisfyingplaymateIhadeverhad?
IV
FAME
ASIremembertheboysandgirlswhogrewupwithme,Ithinkofthemasartists,oractors,ortravellers,orrichmerchants。Eachofus,bythetimewewerehalfthroughgrammarschool,hadselectedacareer。SofarasIrecollect,thiscareerhadverylit-
tletodowithourabilities。Wemerelychosesomethingthatsuitedus。Ourenergyandourvanitycrystallisedintoparticularshapes。TherewasasortofreligionabroadintheWestatthattimethatapersoncoulddoalmostanythinghesetouttodo。Theolderpeople,aswellasthechildren,hadanideathattheworldwastheirs——theyallwereMonteCristosinthatrespect。
Asforme,Ihaddecidedtobeanorator。
Atthetimeofmakingthisdecision,Iwasnineyearsofage,decidedlythinandlongdrawnout,withtwobrownbraidsdownmyback,andaterrificshynesswhichIoccasionallyovercamewithsuchamagnificentsplurgethatthosewhowerenotacquaintedwithmypeculiaritiesprobablythoughtmeashamefullyassertivechild。
Ibasedmyoratoricalaspirationsuponmyhavingtakentheprizeanum-
beroftimesinSunday-schoolforlearn-
ingthemostNewTestamentverses,anduponthefactthatIalwayscouldmakemyselfheardtothefarthestcor-
neroftheroom。IalsofeltthatIhadagreatmessagetodelivertotheworldwhenIgotaroundit,thoughinthis,I
wasinnowaydifferentfromseveralofmyfriends。Ihadnoticedanumberofthingsintheworldthatwerenotquiteright,andwhichIthoughtneededattention,andIbelievedthatifIwerequitegoodandstudiedelocution,inalittlewhileIshouldbeabletosetmypartoftheworldright,andperhapsevenextendmyinfluencetoadjoiningdistricts。
MeantimeIpractisedterriblevocalexercises,chieflyconsistingofarau-
cous"caw"somethinglikeacrow’sfavouriteremark,andadvocatedbymyteacherinelocutionfornoreasonthatIcannowremember;andIstoodbe-
foretheglassforhoursatatimemak-
inggrimacessoastoacquirethe"ac-
tor’sface,"tillmyfrightenedlittlesis-
tersimploredmetoturnbackintomy-
selfagain。
ItwasagreatdayformewhenI
wasaskedtoparticipateintheHarvestHomeFestivalatourchurchonThanksgivingDay。Ilookeduponitasthebeginningofmycareer,andboughtcrimpingpaperssothatmyhaircouldbeproperlyfluted。Ofcourse,Iwantedanewdressfortheoccasion,andI
spentseveraldaysinplanningthekindofaoneIthoughtbestsuitedtosuchamemorableevent。IevenpickedouttheparticularlacepatternIwantedfortheruffles。ThiswasbeforeIsubmittedthepropositiontoMother,however。WhenItoldheraboutitshesaidshecouldseenouseingettinganewdressandgoingtoallthetroubleofmakingitwhenmywhiteonewiththegreenharpswasperfectlygood。
Thiswassuchanunusualdressandhadgonethroughsomanyvicissitudes,thatIreallywasdevotedlyattachedtoit。Ithad,inthebeginning,belongedtomyAuntBess,andinthedaysofitsfirstgloryhadbeenasheerIrishlinenlawn,withtinygreenharpsonitatagreeableintervals。Butinthecourseoftime,ithadtobesenttothewash-tub,andthen,behold,allthelit-
tlelovelyharpsfollowedtheexampleoftheharpthat"oncethroughTara’shallthesoulofmusicshed,"anddis-
appeared!Onlyvague,dirty,yellowremindersoftheirbeautyremained,nottodecorate,buttodisfigurethefinefabric。
AuntBess,naturallyenough,feltir-
ritated,andshegavethegoodstomother,sayingthatshemightbeabletoboiltheyellowstainsoutofitandmakemeadress。Ihadgoneaboutmanyatime,likeloveamidtheruins,inthefragmentsofAuntBess’ssplen-
dour,andIwasnothappyinthethoughtofdanglingthesedimmedre-
mindersofIreland’spastaroundwithme。ButmothersaidshethoughtI’dhaveareallytrulywhiteSundaybestdressoutofitbythetimeshewasthroughwithit。Soshepreparedastrongsolutionofsodiumandthings,andboiledthebreadths,andeverylittlegreenharpcamedancingbackasifawaitingthehandofanewDublinpoet。
Thegreenofthemwasevenmorecharmingthanithadbeenatfirst,andI,ashappyasifIhadacquiredthegoldenharpforwhichIthenvaguelylonged,wenttoSunday-schoolallthatsummerinthismiraculousdressofnow-you-see-them-and-now-you-don’t,andbecamesousedtobeingaskedifI
wereIrishthatmyheartexultedwhenIfoundthatImight——fractionally——
claimtobe,andthatoneoftheFenianmartyrshadbeenanancestor。Forayear,even,afterthatdiscoveryoftheFenianmartyr,ancestorswereafa-
voritestudyofmine。
Well,thoughthedressbecamesome-
thingmorethanfamiliartotheeyesofmyassociates,IwassoattachedtoitthatIfeltnoobjectiontowearingitonthegreatoccasion;and,thatbe-
ingsettled,allthatremainedwastoselectthepiecewhichwastorevealmytalentstoahithertounappreciative——
or,perhapsIshouldsay,unsuspecting——groupoffriendsandrelatives。ItseemedtomethatIknewbetterthanmyteacher(whohadagreedtoselectthepiecesforherpupils)possiblycouldwhatsortofathingbestrepre-
sentedmytalents,andso,aftersomethought,Iselected"AntonyandCleo-
patra,"andasIlaggedalongthetoo-
familiarroadtoschool,avoidingthecompanionshipofmyacquaintances,I
repeated:
Iamdying,Egypt,dying!
Ebbsthecrimsonlife-tidefast,AndthedarkPlutonianshadowsGatherontheeveningblast。
SometimesIgrewsoimpassioned,soheedlessofallsavemymimicsorrowandtheswingofthepurplelines,thatIcouldnotbringmyselftomodifymyvoice,andthepassers-byheardmyshrilltonesvibratingwith:
Asforthee,star-eyedEgyptian!
GlorioussorceressoftheNile!
LightthepathtoStygianhorrorsWiththesplendourofthysmile。
Iwipeddishestotherhythmofsuchphrasesas"scarredandveteranle-
gions,"andlacedmyshoestothemusicof"Thoughnoglitteringguardssur-
roundme。"
Confidentthatnoonecouldfailtoseethebeautyoftheselines,orthepro-
prietyoftheidentificationofmyselfwithAntony,IcalleduponmySunday-
schoolteacher,MissGoss,toreport。I
neverhadthoughtofMissGossasablithespirit。Shewasassociatedinmymindwithnumeroussolemnoccasions,andIwassurprisedtofindthatonthisdaysheunexpectedlydevelopedatraitofbreakingintonervouslaughter。I
hadgotasfaras"Shouldthebaseple-
beianrabble——"whenMissGossbrokedowninwhatIcouldnotbutregardasafitofgiggles,andIceasedabruptly。
Shepulledherselftogetherafteramomentortwo,andsaidifIwouldfol-
lowhertothelibraryshethoughtshecouldfindsomething——hereshehesi-
tated,toconcludewith,"morewithintheunderstandingoftheotherchil-
dren。"Isawthatshethoughtmyfeel-
ingswerehurt,andasIpassedamir-
rorIfearedshehadsomereasontothinkso。Myfacewasuncommonlyflushed,andalookofindignationhadcrept,somehow,evenintomybraids,which,havingbeenplaitedtootightly,stuckoutincrooksandkinksfromthesideofmyhead。Incidentally,IwashorrifiedtonoticehowthinIwas——
thin,evenforadyingAntony——andmyfrockwassooutgrownthatithardlycoveredmyknees。"Ridiculous!"I
saidundermybreath,asIconfrontedthismiserablefigure——soshamefullyin-
significantforthevicariousemotionswhichithadbeenhousing。"Ridicu-
lous!"
IhatedMissGoss,andmusthaveshownitinmystonystare,forsheputherarmaroundmeandsaiditwasapityIhadbeentoallthetroubletolearnapoemwhichwas——well,atrifletoo——tooold——butthatshehopedtofindsomethingequally"pretty"formetospeak。AttheuseofthatadjectiveinconnectionwithWilliamLytle’slines,I
wrenchedawayfromhergraspandstoodinwhatIwaspleasedtothinkahaughtycalm,awaitingherdirections。
Shetookfromtheshelvesalittlevol-
umeofWhittier,boundincalf,hand-
lingitastenderlyasifitwereaprice-
lesspossession。Somepressedvioletsdroppedoutassheopenedit,andshereplacedthemwithdevotionalfingers。
Aftersometimeshedecideduponalyriclamententitled"Eva。"Iwasaskedtorunovertheverses,andfoundthemremarkablyeasytolearn;fatallyimpossibletoforget。Ipresentlyaroseandwithanimpishbetrayalofthepov-
ertyofrhymeandtheplethoraofsen-
timent,repeatedthethingrelentlessly。
Oforfaithlikethine,sweetEva,Lightingallthesolemnreevah[river],Andtheblessingsofthepoor,Waftingtotheheavenlyshoor[shore]。
"Idothink,"saidMissGossgently,"thatifyoutried,mychild,youmightmanagetherhymesjustalittlebetter。"
"Butifyou’reborninMichigan,"I
protested,"howcanyoupossiblymake’Eva’rhymewith’never’and’be-
liever’?"
"Perhapsitisalittlehard,"MissGossagreed,andstillclingingtoherWhittier,sheexhumed"ThePump-
kin,"whichshethoughtpreciselyfittedforourHarvestHomefestival。Thiswasquiteanotherthingfrom"Eva,"
andIsawthatonlyhoursofstudywouldfixitinmymind。Iwenttomyhome,therefore,with"ThePumpkin"
delicatelytranscribedinMissGoss’srunninghand,andItriedtogetsomecomfortfromtheforeignallusionsglit-
teringthroughWhittier’skindlyverse。
AsthedayswentbyIcametohaveacertainfondnessforthosehomelylines:
O——fruitlovedofboyhood!——theolddaysre-
calling,Whenwoodgrapeswerepurplingandbrownnutswerefalling!
Whenwild,uglyfaceswecarvedintheskin,Glaringoutthroughthedarkwithacandlewithin!
Whenwelaughedroundthecorn-heap,withheartsallintune,Ourchairabroadpumpkin——ourlanternthemoon,TellingtalesofthefairywhotravelledlikesteamInapumpkin-shellcoach,withtworatsforherteam!
Onallsidesthispoemwasconsideredveryfitting,andIwenttothefestivalwiththatcomfortablefeelingonehaswhenoneismovingwiththemajorityandiswearingone’sbestclothes。
Isatrigidwithexpectancywhilemyschoolmatesspoketheir"pieces"andsangtheirsongs。Withfrozenfacestheyfacedeachotherindialogues,losttheirquaveringvoices,andstumbleddownthestairsintheiranguishofspirit。Ipitiedthem,andthoughthowluckyitwasthatmymemoryneverfailedme,andthatmyvoicecarriedsowellthatIcouldarouseevenoldElderWaitefromhisslumbers。
Thenmyturncame。Mycrimpswerebeautiful;thegreenharpsdancedonmyfreshly-ironedfrock,andIhadonmynewchainandlocket。Irelieduponasortofmechanisminmetosay:
Ogreenlyandfairinthelandsofthesun,Thevinesofthegourdandtherichmelonrun。
InthisseemlymannerWhittier’sodetothepumpkinbegan。ImeanttogoontoverseswhichIknewwouldde-
lightmyaudience——toreferencestothe"crook-necks"ripeningundertheSep-
tembersun;andtoThanksgivinggath-
eringsatwhichallsmiledatthereun-
ionoffriendsandthebountyoftheboard。
Whatmoistensthelipandbrightenstheeye!
Whatcallsbackthepastliketherichpumpkinpie!
Iwassuretheselineswouldmeetwithapproval,andhaving"comedowntothepopulartaste,"Iwaspreparedtodomybesttoplease。
Afterafewseconds,whenthegoldenpumpkinsthatlinedthestagehadceasedtodancebeforemyeyes,I
thoughtIoughttobeginto"getholdofmyaudience。"Ofcourse,mymem-
orywouldbegivingmetherightwords,andmyfaciletonguerunningalongre-
liably,butIwishedtodemonstratethat"ability"whichwastobringmefa-
vourandfame。Ilistenedtomyownwordsandwasshiveredintosilence。I
wastalkingabout"darkPlutonianshadows";Iwasbegging"Egypt"toletherarmsenfoldme——Iwas,indeed,intheverythickoftheforbiddenpoem。
Icouldhearmythin,aspiringvoicereachingoutoverthatparalysedaudi-
encewith:
ThoughmyscarredandveteranlegionsBeartheireagleshighnomore;
AndmywreckedandscatteredgalleysStrewdarkActium’sfatalshore。
Mytongueseemedfrozen,orsomekindofaratchetatthebaseofithadgotoutoforder。Foramoment——amomentcanbethelittlesisterofeter-
nity——Icouldsaynothing。ThenI
foundmyselfintheclutchesofthein-
stinctforself-preservation。Ifeltitinmetostopthegigglesofthegirlsonthefrontseat;totakethepatronisingsmilesoutofthetoleranteyesofthegrownpeople。Maybemyvoicelostsomethingofitspipinginsistenceandwastouchedwithgenuinefeeling;per-
hapssomefaint,faintsparkofthedi-
vinefirewhichIlongedtofanintoaflamedidflickerinmeforthatonetime。
Ihadtheindescribablehappinessofseeingthesmilesdieonthefacesofmyelders,andofhearingthegigglesofmyfriendscease。
IwenttomyseatamidwhatIwaspleasedtoconsider"thundersofap-
plause,"andbywayofacknowledg-
ment,Ispoke,withchastenedpropri-
ety,Whittier’sodetothepumpkin。
IcannotrememberwhetherornotI
wasscolded。I’mafraid,afterward,somepeoplestilllaughed。Asforme,oddlyenough,myoratoricalaspira-
tionsdied。Idecidedtherewereothercareersbetterfittedtooneofmyphysique。SoIhadtogotothetroubleoffindinganothercareer;butjustwhatitwasIhaveforgotten。
V
REMORSE
ITisextraordinary,whenyoucometothinkofit,howveryfewdays,outofallthethousandsthathavepassed,lifttheirheadsfromthegreyplainoftheforgotten——likebowldersinalevelstretchofcountry。Itisnotalonetheunimportantonesthatarefor-
gotten;but,accordingtoone’selders,manyimportantoneshaveleftnomarkinthememory。Itseemstome,asI
thinkitover,thatitwasthedaysthataffectedtheemotionsthatdwellwithme,andIsupposeallofusmustbethesameinthisrespect。
AmongthosewhichIamnevertoforgetisthedaywhenAuntCordeliacametovisitus——mymother’saunt,shewas——andwhenIdiscoveredevil,andtriedtounderstandwhattheuseofitwas。
Great-auntCordeliawas,asIoftenandoftenhadbeentold,notonlymuchtravelled,richandhandsome,butgoodalso。Shewas,indeed,animportantpersonageinherowncity,anditseemedtoberegardedasanevidenceofunusualfamilyfealtythatsheshouldgoabout,nowandthen,brieflyvisitingallofherkinfolktoseehowtheyfaredintheworld。Ioughttohavelookedforwardtomeetingher,butthis,forsomeperversereason,Ididnotdo。IwishedImightrunawayandhidesomewheretillhervisitwasover。Itannoyedmetohavetocleanuptheplay-roomonheraccount,andtohelppolishthesilver,andtocomboutthefringeoftheteanapkins。I
likedtohelpinthesetasksordinarily,buttodoitforthepurposeofcominguptoavisiting——andprobably,acon-
descending——goddess,somehowmademecross。
Amongotherhardships,IhadtotakecareofmylittlesisterJulieallday。I
lovedJulie。Shehadsoftgolden-
browncurlsfuzzingaroundonherhead,andmischievousbrowneyes——
warm,extra-humaneyes。Therewasaplaceinthebackofherneck,justbelowthepointofhercurls,whichitwasaprivilegetokiss;andthoughshecouldnotyettalk,shehadathroaty,beauti-
fullittleexclamation,whichcannotbespelledanymorethanabirdnote,withwhichshegreetedallthethingssheliked——aflower,oratoy,ormother。
ButlovingJulieasshesatinmother’slap,andhavingtocareforherallofashiningSaturday,weretwoquitedif-
ferentthings。AsthehoursworealongIbecameboredwithlookingatthegoldencurlsofmybabysister;Ihadnoinclinationtokissthe"honey-spot"
inthebackofherneck;andwhenshefrettedfromheatandteethingandmyperfunctorycare,Igrewangry。
Iknewmotherwasbusymakingcus-
tardsandcakesforAuntCordelia,andIlongedtobeinwatchingthesepleas-
ingoperations。Ithought——butwhatdoesitmatterwhatIthought?Iwasbad!IwassobadthatIwasgladI
wasbad。Perhapsitwasnerves。May-
beIreallyhadtakencareofthebabytoolong。Buthoweverthatmaybe,forthefirsttimeinmylifeIenjoyedtheconsciousnessofhavingabaddisposi-
tion——orperhapsIoughttosaythatI
feltafiendishsatisfactioninthediscov-
erythatIhadone。
Alonginthemiddleoftheafternoonthreeofthegirlsintheneighbourhoodcameovertoplay。Theyhadtheirdolls,andtheywantedto"keephouse"
inthe"newpart"ofourhome。Wewerelivinginaroomyandcomfortable"addition,"whichhad,oddlyenough,beenbuiltbeforethebuildingtowhichitwasfinallytoserveasanannex。Thatistosay,ithadbeentheadditionbe-
foretherewasanythingtoadditto。
Bythistime,however,thenewhousewasgettingatrifleold,asitwaitedforthecompletionofitsratherdispropor-
tionatesplendours;splendourswhichrepresentedtheambitionsratherthantheachievementsofthefamily。Ittow-
ered,large,square,imposing,withhintsofM。Mansard’sgrandiosearchitectu-
ralideasinitsstyle,intheverycentreofavillageblockofland。Fromthefirst,itexercisedasortof"IdreamtI
dweltinmarblehalls"effectuponme,andinavagueway,atthebackofmymind,floatedtheideathatwhenwepassedfromourmodesthomeintothiscommandingedifice,well-trainedservantsmysteriouslywouldappear,beautifulgownswouldbefoundawait-
ingmyuseintheclosets,andfatherandmotherwouldbeabletotaketheirease,somethingafterthefashionofthe"landedgentry"ofwhomIhadreadinScotchandEnglishbooks。Theceil-
ingsofthenewhouseweresohigh,thesweepofthestairssodramatic,thesizeofthedrawing-roomssocopious,thatperhapsIhardlywastobeblamedforexpectingatransformationscene。
Butuntilthisnewlifewasrealised,theclean,bareroomsmadethebestofallpossibleplay-rooms,andwiththelightstreaminginthroughthetrees,andfalling,delicatelytingedwithgreen,uponthenewfloors,andwiththescentofthenewwoodallabout,itwasaplaceofindefinableenchantment。
IwasallowedtoplaythereallIpleased——exceptwhenIhadJulie。Therewereunguardedwindowsandyawningstair-
holes,andnostepsasyetleadingfromthegroundtothegreatopeningwherethecarvedfrontdoorwassometimetobe。Instead,therewereplanks,in-
clinedatasteepangle,beneathwhichlaythestonesofwhichthefoundationtotheporchweretobemade。Jaggedpiecesofyetunhewnsandstonetheywere,withcrueledges。
Butto-daywhenthegirlssaid,"Oh,come!"mynewlydiscoveredbadnessechoedtheirwords。Iwantedtogowiththem。SoIwent。
OutofthecornerofmyeyeIcouldseefatherinthedistance,butI
wouldn’tlookathimforfearhewouldbemagnetisedintoturningmyway。
Thegirlshadgoneup,andIfollowed,withJulieinmyarms。DidIhearfathercalltometostop?HealwayssaidIdid,butIthinkhewasmistaken。
PerhapsImerelydidn’twishtohearhim。Anyway,Iwenton,balancingmyselfasbestIcould。Theothergirlshadreachedthetop,andturnedtolookatus,andIknewtheywereafraid。I
thinktheywouldhaveheldouttheirhandstohelpme,butIhadbotharmsclaspedaboutJulie。SoIstaggeredon,gotalmosttothetop,thenseemedsub-
mergedbeneathawaveoffears——mineandthoseofthegirls——andfell!AsIwent,IcurledlikeasquirrelaroundJulie,andwhenIstruck,shewasstillinmygraspandontopofme。Butsherolledoutofmyrelaxingclutchafterthat,andwhenfatherandmothercamerunning,shewaslyingonthestones。
Theythoughtshehadfallenthatway,andasthebreathhadbeenfairlyknockedoutofherlittlebody,sothatshewasnotcrying,theyweremorefrightenedthanever,andranwithhertothehouse,wildwithapprehension。
Asforme,Igotupsomehowandfol-
owed。Idecidednoboneswerebroken,butIwasdizzyandfaint,andachingfrombruises。Isawmylittlefriendsrunningdowntheplankandmakingoffalongthepoplardrive,white-facedandpanting。IknewtheythoughtJuliewasdeadandthatI’dbehung。Ihadthesameidea。
Whenwegottothesitting-roomI
hadastrangefeelingofneverhavingseenitbefore。Thetallstove,thegreenandoakingraincarpet,thegreenrepchairs,thewhat-notwithitsshells,thesteelengravingsonthewalls,seemedabsolutelystrange。Isatdownandcountedthediamond-shapedfiguresontheoilclothinfrontofthestove;
andafteralongtimeIheardJuliecry,andmothersaywithimmeasurablere-
lief:
"Asidefromashakingup,Idon’tbelieveshe’sabittheworse。"
ThensomeonebroughtmeacupfulofcoldwaterandaskedmeifIwashurt。Ishookmyheadandwouldnotspeak。Ithenheard,insimpleandem-
phaticAnglo-Saxontheopinionsofmyfatherandmotheraboutagirlwhowouldputherlittlesister’slifeindan-
ger,andwoulddisobeyherparents。
AndafterthatIwasputinmymoth-
er’sbedroomtopasstherestoftheday,andwastoldIneedn’texpecttocometothetablewiththeothers。
Iacceptedmyfatestoically,andbe-
ingpermittedtocarrymyownchairintotheroom,Iputitbythewesternwindow,whichlookedacrosstwomilesofmeadowswavinginbuckwheat,incloverandgrass,andsatthereinacu-
rioustorporofspirit。Iwasgladtobealone,forIhaddiscoveredanewidea——theideaofsin。IwishedtobelefttomyselftillIcouldthinkoutwhatitmeant。IbelievedIcoulddothatbynight,and,afterIhadgottotherootofthematter,Icouldcastthewholeuglythingoutofmysoulandbegoodalltherestofmylife。
Therewasalargeupholsteredchairstandinginfrontofme,andIputmyheaddownontheseatofthatandthoughtandthought。MythoughtsreachedsofarthatIgrewfrightened,andIwasrelievedwhenIfeltthelittlesoftgreyveilsdrawingaboutmewhichIknewmeantsleep。ItseemedtomethatIreallyoughttoweep——thatthecircumstancesweresuchthatIshouldweep。Butsleepwassweeterthantears,andnotonlythepaininmymindbutthejarandbruiseofmybodyseemedtodemandthatoblivion。SoI
gavewaytotheimpulse,andthegreyveilswrappedaroundandaroundmeasaspider’swebenwrapsafly。AndforhoursIknewnothing。
WhenIawokeitwasthecloseofday。
Longtendershadowslayacrossthefields,theskyhadthatwonderfulclear-
nessandkindnesswhichislikeahu-
maneye,andthesoftwindpuffinginatthewindowwassweetwithfieldfragrance。Aglassofmilkandaplatewithtwoslicesofbreadlayonthewin-
dowsillbyme,asifsomeonehadplacedthemtherefromtheoutside。I
couldhearbirdssettlingdownforthenight,andcheepingdrowsilytoeachother。Mycatcameonthesceneand,seeingme,lookedatmewithserious,expandingeyes,twitchedherwhiskerscynically,andpassedon。PresentlyI
heardthevoicesofmyfamily。Theywerere-enteringthesitting-room。Sup-
perwasover——supper,withitscoldmeatsandshiningjellies,its"floatingisland"anditsfigcake。Icouldhearavoicethatwasnewtome。Itwasdeeperthanmymother’s,anditsac-
centwasdifferent。Itwasthesortofavoicethatmadeyoufeelthatitsownerhadtalkedwithmanydifferentkindsofpeople,andhadcontrivedtoholdherownwithallofthem。IknewitbelongedtoAuntCordelia。AndnowthatIwasnottoseeher,Ifeltmycuri-
osityarisinginme。Iwantedtolookather,andstillmoreIwishedtoaskheraboutgoodness。Shewasrichandgood!Wasonetheresultoftheother?
Andwhichcamefirst?Idimlyper-
ceivedthatiftherehadbeenmoremoneyinourhousetherewouldhavebeenmorehelp,andIwouldnothavebeenledintotemptation——babywouldnothavebeenlefttoolonguponmyhands。However,afterafewmomentsofself-pity,Irejectedthisthought。I
knewIreallywastoblame,anditoc-
curredtomethatIwouldaddtomyfaultsifItriedtoputtheblameonany-
bodyelse。
Nowthatthefirstshockwasoverandthatmysleephadrefreshedme,Ibe-
gantoseewhatterriblesorrowhadbeenmineifthefallhadreallyinjuredJulie;andasuddenthoughtshookme。
Shemight,afterall,havebeenhurtinsomewaythatwouldshowitselflateron。Iyearnedtolookuponher,toseeifallhersweetnessandsoftnesswasin-
tact。ItseemedtomethatifIcouldnotseehertherisinggriefinmewouldbreak,andIwouldsobaloud。Ididn’twanttodothat。Ihadnonotiontocallanyattentiontomyselfwhatever,butseethebabyImust。So,softly,andlikeathief,Iopenedthedoorcom-
municatingwiththelittledressing-
roominwhichJulie’scradlestood。Thecurtainhadbeendrawnanditwasal-
mostdark,butIfoundmywaytoJulie’sbassinet。Icouldnotquiteseeher,butthedelicateodourofherbreathcameuptome,andIfoundherlittlehandandslippedmyfingerinit。
Itwasgrippedinababypressure,andIstoodthereenraptured,feelingasifaflowerhadcaressedme。Iwasthrilledthroughandthroughwithhap-
piness,andwithloveforthislittlecrea-
ture,whommyselfishnessmighthavedestroyed。TherewasnothinginwhathadhappenedduringthismomentortwowhenIstoodbyhersidetoassuremethatallwaswellwithher;butIdidsobelieve,andIsaidoverandover:
"Thankyou,God!Thankyou,God!"
Andnowmytearsbegantoflow。
Theycameinastorm——astormIcouldnotcontrol,andIfledbacktomother’sroom,andstoodtherebeforethewestwindowweepingasIneverhadweptbefore。
Thequietlovelinessoftheclosingdayhadpassedintothesplendouroftheafterglow。Mightywingsasofbrightangels,pinkandshiningwhite,reachedupoverthesky。Thevaultwaspurpleaboveme,andpaledtolilac,thentogreenofunimaginabletenderness。
NowIquenchedmytearstolook,andthenIweptagain,weepingnomoreforsorrowandlonelinessandshamethanforgratitudeanddelightinbeauty。Sofairaworld!Whathadsintodowithit?Icouldnotmakeitout。
Theshiningwingsgrewpaler,faded,thendarkened;themelancholysoundofcow-bellsstoleupfromthecommon。
Thebirdswerestill;alowwindrustledthetrees。Isatthinkingmyyoung"nightthoughts"ofhowmarvellousitwasforthesuntoset,torise,tokeepitsplaceinheaven——ofhowwrappedaboutwithmysterieswewere。Whatiftheworldshouldstarttofallingthroughspace?Wherewoulditland?
Wasthereevenabottomtotheuni-
verse?"Worldwithoutend"mightmeanthattherewasneitheranendtospacenoryettotime。Ishiveredatthoughtofsuchvastness。
Suddenlylightstreamedaboutme,warmarmsenfoldedme。
"Mother!"Imurmured,andslippedfromtheunknowntothedearfamiliar-
ityofhershoulder。
Itwas,Isoonperceived,asilk-cladshoulder。Motherhadonherbestdress;nay,sheworehercoralpinandear-rings。HerlacecollarwasscentedwithJockeyClub,andherneck,intowhichIwasburrowing,hadtheinde-
scribablesomethingthatwasnotquiteodour,notallsoftness,butwascom-
poundedoftheseandmeantmother。
Shesaidlittletomeasshedrewmeawayandbathedmyface,brushedandplaitedmyhair,andputonmycleanfrock。Butwefelthappytogether。I
knewshewasasgladtoforgiveasI
wastobeforgiven。
Inalittlewhilesheledme,blinking,intothelight。Atallstranger,aladyinprune-colouredsilk,satinthehigh-
backedchair。
"Thisismyeldestgirl,AuntCor-
delia,"saidmymother。Iwentfor-
wardtimidly,wonderingifIwerereallygoingtobegreetedbythisper-
sonwhomusthaveheardsuchterriblereportsofme。Ifoundmyselfcaughtbythehandsanddrawnintotheem-
braceofthisnew,grandacquaintance。
"Well,I’vebeenwantingtoseeyou,"saidtherich,kindvoice。"TheysayyoulookasIdidatyourage。Theysayyouarelikeme!"
Likeher——whowasgood!Butnoonereferredtothisdifferenceorsaidanythingaboutmysins。Whenweweresorry,wasevil,then,forgottenandsinforgiven?Aweightasofirondroppedfrommyspirit。Isankwithasighonthehassockatmyaunt’sfeet。Iwasoncemoreamemberofsociety。
VI
TRAVEL
ITwastimetosaygood-bye。
Ihadbeendowntomylittlebrother’sgraveandwateredthesorrelthatgrewonit——Ithoughtitwassor-
row,andsotendedit;andIhadwalkedaroundthehouseandsaidgood-byetoeverywindow,andtotherobin’snest,andtomyplayhouseintheshed。I
hadputacleanribbononthecat’sneck,andkissedmydoll,andgivenpresentstomylittlesisters。Now,shiveringbe-
neathmynewgreyjacketinthechilloftheMaymorningair,Istoodreadytopartwithmymother。Shewasalittleflurriedwithhavingjustironedmypinaforesandcollars,andwithhav-
ingputthelasthookonmynewStuartplaidfrock,andshelookedmeoverwithratherananxiouseye。Asforme,Ithoughtmyclothescharming,andI
lovedthescarletquillinmygreyhat,andthesetofmynewshoes。Ihoped,aboveall,thatnoonewouldnoticethatIwastremblingandlayitdowntofear。
Ofcourse,Ihadbeenawaybefore。
ItwasnotthefirsttimeIhadlefteverythingtotakecareofitself。ButthistimeIwasgoingalone,andthatgaveratheradifferentaspecttothings。
Togointothecountryforafewdays,oreventoDetroit,inthecompanyofawatchfulparent,mightbecalleda"visit";buttogoalone,partlybytrainandpartlybystage,andtoarrivebyone’sself,amountedto"travel。"I
hadanauntwhohadtravelled,andI
feltthismorningthatloveoftravelraninthefamily。ProbablyevenAuntCordeliahadbeenatriflenervous,atfirst,whenshestartedoutforHa-
waii,say,orforEgypt。
MotherandIwerebothfearfulthatthedriverofthestation’bushadn’treallyunderstoodthathewastocall。
Firstshewouldaskfather,andthenI
wouldaskhim,ifhewasquitesurethemanunderstood,andfathersaidthatifthemancouldunderstandEnglishatall——andhesupposedhecould——hehadunderstoodthat。Fatherwasrightaboutit,too,forjustwhenwe——thatis,motherandI——werealmostgivingup,the’bushorsesswunginthebiggateandcamepoundingupthedrivebe-
tweentheLombardypoplars,whichwereoutintheiryellow-greenspringdress。Theywereabayteamwithayellowharnesswhichclinkedsplendidlywithbonerings,andthe’buswasasyellowasapumpkin,andshapednotunlikeone,sothatIgaveitmyinstantapproval。ItwaspreciselythesortofvehicleinwhichIwouldhavechosentogoaway。SoabsorbedwasIinitthat,thoughImusthavekissedmother,Ihavereallynorecollectionofit;anditwasonlywhenwewereswingingoutofthegate,andIlookedbackandsawherstandinginthedoorwatchingus,thataterriblepangcameoverme,sothatforonecrazymomentIthoughtIwasgoingtojumpoutandrunbacktoher。
ButIheldontofather’shandandturnedmyfaceawayfromhomewithallthecourageIcouldsummon,andwewentonthroughthetownandoutacrossalonelystretchofcountrytotherailroad。Forwewereanobstinatelit-
tletown,andwouldnotbuilduptotherailroadbecausetherailroadhadre-
fusedtorunuptous。Itwasanewstationwithafineechoinit,andthemanwhocalledoutthetrainshadabeautifulvoiceforechoes。Itwascre-
atedtoinspirethemandtoencouragethem,andIstoodfascinatedbythethunderousnoiseshewasmakingtillfatherseizedmebythehandandthrustmeintothecareofthetrainconductor。
Theysaidsomethingtoeachotherinthesharp,explosivewaymenhave,andtheconductortookmetoaseatandtoldmeIwashisgirlforthetimebe-
ing,andtostayrighttheretillhecameformeatmystation。
Whatamazedmewasthatthecarshouldbefullofpeople。Icouldnotimaginewheretheyallcouldbegoing。
Itwasallverywellforme,whobe-
longedtoafamilyoftravellers——aswit-
nessAuntCordelia——tobegoingonajourney,butfortheseothers,thesemany,manyothers,tobewanderingaround,heavenknowswhere,struckmeasbeingnotright。Itseemedtotakesomewhatfromthegloryofmyadven-
ture。
However,Inoticedthatmostofthemlookedpoor。Theirclotheswereoldandugly;theirfacesnotthoseofpleas-
ure-seekers。Itwasverydifficulttoimaginethattheycouldaffordajour-
ney,whichwas,asIbelieved,agreatluxury。Atfirst,thepeoplelookedtobeallofasort,butafteralittleIbe-
gantoseethedifferences,andtono-
ticethatthisonelookedhappy,andthatonesad,andanotherasifhehadmuchtodoandlikedit,andseveralothersasiftheyhadverylittleideawheretheyweregoingorwhy。
ButIlikedbettertolookfromthewindowsandtoseetheworld。ThehousesseemedquitefamiliarandasifIhadseenthemoftenbefore。IhardlycouldbelievethatIhadn’twalkedupthosepaths,openedthosedoorsandseatedmyselfatthetables。IfeltthatifIwentinthosehousesIwouldknowwhereeverythingwas——justwherethedisheswerekept,andtheBible,andthejam。Itstruckmethathouseswereverymuchalikeintheworld,andthatledtothethoughtthatpeople,too,wereprobablyalike。SoIforgotwhattheconductorhadsaidtomeaboutkeepingstill,andIcrossedovertheaisleandsatdownbesidealittlegirlwhowasregrettablyyoung,butwholookedpleasant。Hermotherandgrand-
motherweresittingopposite,andtheysmiledatmeinawaterysortofwayasiftheythoughtasmilewasexpectedofthem。Imeanttotalktothelittlegirl,butIsawshewasalmostonthevergeoftears,anditdidn’ttakemelongtodiscoverwhatwasthematter。
Herlittlepinkhatwasheldonbyanelasticband,which,beingputbehindherearsandunderherchin,wascut-
tinghercruelly。Iknewbyexperiencethatifthebandwereplacedinfrontofherearsthetensionwouldbelessened;
so,withthemostbenevolentintentionsintheworld,Iinsertedmyfingersbe-
tweentherubberandherchubbycheeks,drewitoutwithnervousbutfriendlyfingers,somehowletgoofit,andsnapacrosshertworedcheeksandherprettypugnosewentthelacerat-
ingelastic,leavingaweltbehindit!
"Whatdoyoumean,youbadgirl?"
criedthemother,takingmebytheshoulderswithasortofgripIhadneverfeltbefore。"Ineversawsuchachild——never!"
Anoldwomanwithafacelikeahenleanedoverthebackoftheseat。
"What’sshedone?What’sshedone?"shedemanded。Themothertoldher,asthegrandmothercomfortedthehurtbaby。
"Gobacktoyourseatandstaythere!"commandedthemother。"Seeyoudon’tcomenearhereagain!"
MylipstrembledwiththeanguishI
couldhardlyrestrain。Neverhadanoblesoulbeenmoremisunderstood。
Stupidbeings!Howdarethey!Yet,nottobelikedbythem——nottobeun-
derstood!Thatwasunendurable。
Wouldtheylistentothegentlewordthatturnethawaywrath?Iwasin-
clinedtothinknot。Iwasfairlypant-
ingundermyloadofdismayandde-
spondency,whenalargemanwithanextraordinarilycleanappearancesatdownoppositeme。Hewasastudyingrey——greysuit,tie,socks,gloves,hat,top-coat——yes,andeyes!Heleanedforwardingratiatingly。
"WhatdoyouthinkAuntEllensentmelastweek?"heinquired。
Weseemedtobeoldacquaintances,andinmysecondofperplexityIde-
cidedthatitwasmereforgetfulnessthatmademeunabletorecalljustwhomhewastalkingabout。SoIonlysaidpolitely:"Idon’tknow,I’msure,sir。"
"Why,yes,youdo!"helaughed。
"Couldn’tyouguess?WhatshouldAuntEllensendbutsomeofthatwhitemaplesugarofhers;betterthanever,too。I’veapoundofitalongwithme,andI’dbegladtopryoffafewpiecesifyou’dliketoeatit。YoualwaysweresofondofAuntEllen’smaplesugar,youknow。"
Thetonecarriedconviction。OfcourseImusthavebeenfondofit;
indeed,uponreflection,IfeltthatIhadbeen。Bythetimethemanwasbackwithaparallelogramofthemaplesugarinhishand,Iwasconvincedthathehadspokenthetruth。
"AuntEllencertainlyisadear,"hewenton。"IrundowntoseehereverytimeIgetachance。Sameoldrain-
barrel!Sameoldbeehives!Sameoldwell-sweep!Wouldn’ttradethemforanyothersintheworld。Ilikeevery-
thingabouttheplace——likethe’OldMan’thatgrowsbythegate;andthetomatotrellis——nobodyelsetreatsto-
matoeslikeflowers;andtheherbgar-
den,andthecupboardwiththelittlewood-carvingsinitthatUncleBenmade。YourememberUncleBen?
Beenasailor——brokebothlegs——had’emcutoff——andsataroundandcarvedwhileAuntEllentaughtschool。Happytheywere——noonehappier。Broughtmeup,youknow。Didn’thaveafatherormother——justgatheredmein。Goodsort,those。UncleBen’sgone,butAuntEllen’samothertomeyet。
Thinksofme,travelling,travelling,neverputtingmyheaddowninthesamebedtwonightsrunning;andhereandthereandeverywheresheovertakesmewithlittlescrapsoutofhome。That’sAuntEllenforyou!"
Asthedelicioussugarmeltedonmytongue,thesorrowsmeltedinmysoul,andIwasjustabouttomakesomein-
quiriesaboutAuntEllen,whoseper-
sonalqualitiesseemedtobegrowingclearerandclearerinmymind,whenmyconductorcamestridingdowntheaisle。
"Where’smylittlegirl?"hede-
mandedheartily。"Ah,theresheis,justwhereIlefther,ingoodcompanyandeatingmaplesugar,asIlive。"
"Well,shehain’tbinthereallthetimenow,Ikentellyethat!"criedtheoldwomanwithafacelikeahen。
"Indeed,sheain’t!"theotherwomenjoinedin。"She’samischief-
makin’child,that’swhatsheis!"saidthemother。Thelittlegirlwaslook-
ingoverhergrandmother’sshoulder,andsheranoutaveryred,serpent-
liketongueatme。
"She’sagoodgirl,andalmostasfondofAuntEllenasIam,"saidthelargeman,findingmypocket,andput-
tingahugepieceofmaplesugarinit。
Theconductor,meantime,wasgath-
eringmythings,andwitha"Comealong,now!Thisiswhereyouchange,"heledmefromthecar。I
glancedbackonce,andthehen-facedwomanshookherwitheredbrownfistatme,andthelargemanwavedandsmiled。TheconductorandIranashardaswecould,hecarryingmylightluggage,toastagethatseemedtobewaitingforus。Heshoutedsomedi-
rectionstothedriver,depositedmewithin,andranbacktohistrain。AndI,aloneagain,lookedaboutme。
Wewereintheheartofalittletown,andanumberofmenwerestandingaroundwhilethehorsestooktheirfillatthewatering-trough。Thisaccom-
plished,thedrivercheckedupthehorses,mountedtohishighseat,wasjoinedbyaheavyyoungman;twogen-
tlemenenteredtheinsideofthecoach,andwewereoff。
Oneofthesegentlemenwasveryold。
Hissilverhairhungonhisshoulders;
hehadabeautifulflowingheardwhichgleamedinthelight,thekindestoffaces,litwithlaughingblueeyes,andheleanedforwardonhisheavystickandseemedtomindtheplungingofourvehicle。Theothermanwasmid-
dle-aged,dark,silent-looking,and,I
decided,ratherlikeaking。Weallrodeinsilenceforawhile,butbyandbytheoldmansaidkindly:
"Whereareyougoing,mychild?"
Itoldhim。
"Andwhosedaughterareyou?"heinquired。Itoldhimthatwithpride。
"Iknowpeopleallthroughthestate,"
hesaid,"butIdon’tseemtorememberthatname。"
"Don’tyouremembermyfather,sir?"Icried,anxiously,edgingupclosertohim。"Notthatgreatandgoodman!Why,AbrahamLincolnandmyfatherarethegreatestmenthateverlived!"
Hisheadnoddedstrangely,ashelifteditandlookedatmewithhislaughingeye。
"It’sapityIdon’tknowhim,thatbeingthecase,"hesaidgently。"But,anyway,you’realuckylittlegirl。"
"Yes,"Isighed,"Iam,indeed。"
ButmyattentionwastakenbyourapproachtowhatIrecognisedasan"estate。"Agreatgatewithhighposts,flatontop,metmygaze,andthroughthisgatewayIcouldseeadriveandmanybeautifultrees。Alittleboywassittingontopofoneoftheposts,watchingus,andIthoughtIneverhadseenaplacebetteradaptedtoviewingthepassingprocession。Ilongedtobeontheothergatepost,exchangingconfi-
dencesacrosstheharmlessgulfwiththisnice-lookingboy,when,mostunex-
pectedly,thehorsesbegantoplunge。
Thenextsecondtheairwasfilledwithbuzzingblackobjects。
"Bees!"saidtheking。Itwasthefirstwordhehadspoken,andatrueworditwas。Swarmingbeeshadset-
tledintheroad,andwehaddrivenun-
awareintothemidstofthem。Thehorsesweredistracted,andmadeblind-
lyforthegate,thoughtheyseemedmuchmorelikelytorunintothepoststhantogetthroughthegate,Ithought。
Theboyseemedtothinkthis,too,forheshotbackward,turnedasomersaultin。theair,anddisappearedfromview。
"Godblessme!"saidtheking。
Theheavyyoungmanonthefrontseatjumpedfromhisplaceandbeganbeatingawaythebeesandholdingthehorsesbythebridles,andinafewmin-
uteswewereonourway。Thehorseshadbeenbadlystung,andtheheavyyoungmanlookedratherbumpy。Asforus,thekinghadshutthestagedooratthefirstapproachoftrouble,andwewereunharmed。
Afterthis,weallfeltquitewellac-
quainted,andtheoldgentlemantoldmesomewonderfulstoriesaboutgoingaboutamongtheIndiansandaboutthemeninthelumbercampsandtheset-
tlersonthelakeislands。AfterwardI
learnedthathewasabishop,andabraveandholymanwhomitwasagreathonourtomeet,but,atthetime,Ionlythoughtofhowkindhewastopareapplesformeandtotellmetales。
Thekingseldomspokemorethanonewordatatime,buthewaskind,too,inhisway。Oncehesaid,"Sleepy?"tome。And,again,"Hungry?"Hedidn’tlookoutatthelandscapeatall,andneitherdidthebishop。ButIranfromonesidetotheother,andthelastofthejourneyIwastakenupbetweenthedriverandtheheavymanonthehighseat。
Presentlywewereinalittletownwithcottagesalmosthiddenamongthetrees。Abluestreamranthroughgreenfields,andthewaterdashedoveradam。Icouldhearthesongofthemillandtherippingoftheboards。
"We’rehere!"saidthedriver。
Theheavymanliftedmedown,andmyyoungunclecamerunningoutwithhisarmsopentoreceiveme。"Whatatraveller!"hesaid,kissingme。
"It’sbeenatremendouslylongandinterestingjourney,"Isaid。
"Yes,"heanswered。"Tenmilesbyrailandtenbystage。Isupposeyou’vehadagreatmanyadventures!"
"Oh,yes!"Icried,andachedtotellthem,butfearedthiswasnottheplace。
Isawmyunclerespectfullyhelpingthebishoptoalight,andheardhiminquir-
ingforhishealth,andthebishopan-
sweringinhiskind,deepvoice,andsayingIwasindeedagoodtravellerandsawalltherewastosee——andalit-
tlemore。Thekingshookhandswithme,andthistimesaidtwowords:
"Goodluck。"Unclehadnoideawhohewas——noonehadseenhimbefore。
Uncledidn’tquitelikehislooks。ButIdid。Hewasuncommon;hewasdif-
ferent。Ithoughtofallthosepeopleinthetrainwhohadbeensoalike。AndthenIrememberedwhatunexpecteddifferencestheyhadshown,andturnedtosmileatmyuncle。
"IshouldsayIhavehadadven-
tures!"Icried。
"We’llgethometoyouraunt,"hesaid,"andthenwe’llhearallaboutthem。"
Wecrossedabridgeabovetheroar-
ingmill-race,wentupalane,anden-
teredArcadia。Thatwasthewayitseemedtome。Itwasreallyacottageaboveastream,whereyouthandlovedwelt,andhonourandhospitality,andthelittlehousewastobeexchangedforagreateronewhere——thoughyouthde-
parted——loveandhonourandhospital-
itywerestilltodwell。
"Travel’sagreatthing,"saidmyuncle,ashehelpedmeoffwithmyjacket。
"Yes,"Ianswered,solemnly,"itisagreatprivilegetoseetheworld。"
Istillamofthatopinion。Ihaveseensomeoddbitsofit,andIcannotunderstandwhyitisthatotherjour-
neyshavenotquitecomeuptothatfirstone,whenIheardofAuntEllen,andsawtheboyturnthesurprisedsomersault,andwaswelcomedbytwoloversinalittleArcadia。
第2章