ButwhileIamaliveandhavedesiresIwouldrathermyhandwerewitheredoffthanbringonebricktosuchabuilding！Don’tremindmethatIhavejustrejectedthepalaceofcrystalforthesolereasonthatonecannotputoutone’stongueatit。IdidnotsaybecauseIamsofondofputtingmytongueout。PerhapsthethingIresentedwas，thatofallyouredificestherehasnotbeenoneatwhichonecouldnotputoutone’stongue。Onthecontrary，IwouldletmytonguebecutoffoutofgratitudeifthingscouldbesoarrangedthatIshouldlosealldesiretoputitout。Itisnotmyfaultthatthingscannotbesoarranged，andthatonemustbesatisfiedwithmodelflats。ThenwhyamI
madewithsuchdesires？CanIhavebeenconstructedsimplyinordertocometotheconclusionthatallmyconstructionisacheat？Canthisbemywholepurpose？Idonotbelieveit。
Butdoyouknowwhat：Iamconvincedthatweundergroundfolkoughttobekeptonacurb。Thoughwemaysitfortyyearsundergroundwithoutspeaking，whenwedocomeoutintothelightofdayandbreakoutwetalkandtalkandtalk……
XI
Thelongandtheshortofitis，gentlemen，thatitisbettertodonothing！Betterconsciousinertia！Andsohurrahforunderground！ThoughIhavesaidthatIenvythenormalmantothelastdropofmybile，yetIshouldnotcaretobeinhisplacesuchasheisnow（thoughIshallnotceaseenvyinghim）。
No，no;anywaytheundergroundlifeismoreadvantageous。There，atanyrate，onecan……Oh，butevennowIamlying！IamlyingbecauseIknowmyselfthatitisnotundergroundthatisbetter，butsomethingdifferent，quitedifferent，forwhichIamthirsting，butwhichIcannotfind！Damnunderground！
Iwilltellyouanotherthingthatwouldbebetter，andthatis，ifImyselfbelievedinanythingofwhatIhavejustwritten。I
sweartoyou，gentle-men，thereisnotonething，notonewordofwhatIhavewrittenthatIreallybelieve。Thatis，Ibelieveit，perhaps，butatthesametimeIfeelandsuspectthatIamlyinglikeacobbler。
"Thenwhyhaveyouwrittenallthis？"youwillsaytome。"I
oughttoputyouundergroundforfortyyearswithoutanythingtodoandthencometoyouinyourcellar，tofindoutwhatstageyouhavereached！Howcanamanbeleftwithnothingtodoforfortyyears？"
"Isn’tthatshameful，isn’tthathumiliating？"youwillsay，perhaps，waggingyourheadscontemptuously。"Youthirstforlifeandtrytosettletheproblemsoflifebyalogicaltangle。Andhowpersistent，howinsolentareyoursallies，andatthesametimewhatascareyouarein！Youtalknonsenseandarepleasedwithit;yousayimpudentthingsandareincontinualalarmandapologisingforthem。Youdeclarethatyouareafraidofnothingandatthesametimetrytoingratiateyourselfinourgoodopinion。Youdeclarethatyouaregnashingyourteethandatthesametimeyoutrytobewittysoastoamuseus。Youknowthatyourwitticismsarenotwitty，butyouareevidentlywellsatisfiedwiththeirliteraryvalue。Youmay，perhaps，havereallysuffered，butyouhavenorespectforyourownsuffering。
Youmayhavesincerity，butyouhavenomodesty;outofthepettiestvanityyouexposeyoursinceritytopublicityandignominy。Youdoubtlesslymeantosaysomething，buthideyourlastwordthroughfear，becauseyouhavenottheresolutiontoutterit，andonlyhaveacowardlyimpudence。Youboastofconsciousness，butyouarenotsureofyourground，forthoughyourmindworks，yetyourheartisdarkenedandcorrupt，andyoucannothaveafull，genuineconsciousnesswithoutapureheart。
Andhowintrusiveyouare，howyouinsistandgrimace！Lies，lies，lies！"
OfcourseIhavemyselfmadeupallthethingsyousay。That，too，isfromunderground。Ihavebeenforfortyyearslisteningtoyouthroughacrackunderthefloor。Ihaveinventedthemmyself，therewasnothingelseIcouldinvent。ItisnowonderthatIhavelearneditbyheartandithastakenaliteraryform……
ButcanyoureallybesocredulousastothinkthatIwillprintallthisandgiveittoyoutoreadtoo？Andanotherproblem：
whydoIcallyou"gentlemen，"whydoIaddressyouasthoughyoureallyweremyreaders？SuchconfessionsasIintendtomakeareneverprintednorgiventootherpeopletoread。Anyway，Iamnotstrong-mindedenoughforthat，andIdon’tseewhyIshouldbe。ButyouseeafancyhasoccurredtomeandIwanttorealiseitatallcosts。Letmeexplain。
Everymanhasreminiscenceswhichhewouldnottelltoeveryone，butonlytohisfriends。Hehasothermattersinhismindwhichhewouldnotrevealeventohisfriends，butonlytohimself，andthatinsecret。Butthereareotherthingswhichamanisafraidtotelleventohimself，andeverydecentmanhasanumberofsuchthingsstoredawayinhismind。Themoredecentheis，thegreaterthenumberofsuchthingsinhismind。Anyway，Ihaveonlylatelydeterminedtoremembersomeofmyearlyadventures。
TillnowIhavealwaysavoidedthem，evenwithacertainuneasiness。Now，whenIamnotonlyrecallingthem，buthaveactuallydecidedtowriteanaccountofthem，Iwanttotrytheexperimentwhetheronecan，evenwithoneself，beperfectlyopenandnottakefrightatthewholetruth。Iwillobserve，inparenthesis，thatHeinesaysthatatrueautobiographyisalmostanimpossibility，andthatmanisboundtolieabouthimself。HeconsidersthatRousseaucertainlytoldliesabouthimselfinhisconfessions，andevenintentionallylied，outofvanity。IamconvincedthatHeineisright;Iquiteunderstandhowsometimesonemay，outofsheervanity，attributeregularcrimestooneself，andindeedIcanverywellconceivethatkindofvanity。
ButHeinejudgedofpeoplewhomadetheirconfessionstothepublic。Iwriteonlyformyself，andIwishtodeclareonceandforallthatifIwriteasthoughIwereaddressingreaders，thatissimplybecauseitiseasierformetowriteinthatform。Itisaform，anemptyform——Ishallneverhavereaders。Ihavemadethisplainalready……
Idon’twishtobehamperedbyanyrestrictionsinthecompilationofmynotes。Ishallnotattemptanysystemormethod。IwilljotthingsdownasIrememberthem。
Buthere，perhaps，someonewillcatchatthewordandaskme：ifyoureallydon’treckononreaders，whydoyoumakesuchcompactswithyourself——andonpapertoo——thatis，thatyouwon’tattemptanysystemormethod，thatyoujotthingsdownasyourememberthem，andsoon，andsoon？Whyareyouexplaining？Whydoyouapologise？
"Well，thereitis，"Ianswer。
Thereisawholepsychologyinallthis，though。PerhapsitissimplythatIamacoward。AndperhapsthatIpurposelyimagineanaudiencebeforemeinorderthatImaybemoredignifiedwhileIwrite。Thereareperhapsthousandsofreasons。Again，whatismyobjectpreciselyinwriting？IfitisnotforthebenefitofthepublicwhyshouldInotsimplyrecalltheseincidentsinmyownmindwithoutputtingthemonpaper？
Quiteso;butyetitismoreimposingonpaper。Thereissomethingmoreimpressiveinit;Ishallbebetterabletocriticisemyselfandimprovemystyle。Besides，Ishallperhapsobtainactualrelieffromwriting。Today，forinstance，Iamparticularlyoppressedbyonememoryofadistantpast。Itcamebackvividlytomymindafewdaysago，andhasremainedhauntingmelikeanannoyingtunethatonecannotgetridof。AndyetI
mustgetridofitsomehow。Ihavehundredsofsuchreminiscences;butattimessomeonestandsoutfromthehundredandoppressesme。ForsomereasonIbelievethatifIwriteitdownIshouldgetridofit。Whynottry？
Besides，Iambored，andIneverhaveanythingtodo。Writingwillbeasortofwork。Theysayworkmakesmankind-heartedandhonest。Well，hereisachanceforme，anyway。
Snowisfallingtoday，yellowanddingy。Itfellyesterday，too，andafewdaysago。IfancyitisthewetsnowthathasremindedmeofthatincidentwhichIcannotshakeoffnow。Andsoletitbeastoryaproposofthefallingsnow。
PARTII
APROPOSOFTHEWETSNOW
Whenfromdarkerror’ssubjugationMywordsofpassionateexhortationHadwrenchedthyfaintingspiritfree;
AndwrithingproneinthineafflictionThoudidstrecallwithmaledictionThevicethathadencompassedthee：
Andwhenthyslumberingconscience，frettingByrecollection’storturingflame，ThoudidstrevealthehideoussettingOfthylife’scurrentereIcame：
WhensuddenlyIsawtheesicken，Andweeping，hidethineanguishedface，Revolted，maddened，horror-stricken，Atmemoriesoffouldisgrace。
N。A。NEKRASSOV（translatedbyJulietSoskice）。
I
AtthattimeIwasonlytwenty-four。Mylifewaseventhengloomy，ill-regulated，andassolitaryasthatofasavage。I
madefriendswithnooneandpositivelyavoidedtalking，andburiedmyselfmoreandmoreinmyhole。AtworkintheofficeI
neverlookedatanyone，andwasperfectlywellawarethatmycompanionslookeduponme，notonlyasaqueerfellow，butevenlookeduponme——Ialwaysfanciedthis——withasortofloathing。
Isometimeswonderedwhyitwasthatnobodyexceptmefanciedthathewaslookeduponwithaversion？Oneoftheclerkshadamostrepulsive，pock-markedface，whichlookedpositivelyvillainous。IbelieveIshouldnothavedaredtolookatanyonewithsuchanunsightlycountenance。Anotherhadsuchaverydirtyolduniformthattherewasanunpleasantodourinhisproximity。Yetnotoneofthesegentlemenshowedtheslightestself-consciousness——eitherabouttheirclothesortheircountenanceortheircharacterinanyway。Neitherofthemeverimaginedthattheywerelookedatwithrepulsion;iftheyhadimaginedittheywouldnothaveminded——solongastheirsuperiorsdidnotlookattheminthatway。Itiscleartomenowthat，owingtomyunboundedvanityandtothehighstandardI
setformyself，Ioftenlookedatmyselfwithfuriousdiscontent，whichvergedonloathing，andsoIinwardlyattributedthesamefeelingtoeveryone。Ihatedmyface，forinstance：Ithoughtitdisgusting，andevensuspectedthattherewassomethingbaseinmyexpression，andsoeverydaywhenIturnedupattheofficeI
triedtobehaveasindependentlyaspossible，andtoassumealoftyexpression，sothatImightnotbesuspectedofbeingabject。"Myfacemaybeugly，"Ithought，"butletitbelofty，expressive，and，aboveall，_extremely_intelligent。"ButIwaspositivelyandpainfullycertainthatitwasimpossibleformycountenanceevertoexpressthosequalities。Andwhatwasworstofall，Ithoughtitactuallystupidlooking，andIwouldhavebeenquitesatisfiedifIcouldhavelookedintelligent。Infact，Iwouldevenhaveputupwithlookingbaseif，atthesametime，myfacecouldhavebeenthoughtstrikinglyintelligent。
Ofcourse，Ihatedmyfellowclerksoneandall，andIdespisedthemall，yetatthesametimeIwas，asitwere，afraidofthem。
Infact，ithappenedattimesthatIthoughtmorehighlyofthemthanofmyself。ItsomehowhappenedquitesuddenlythatI
alternatedbetweendespisingthemandthinkingthemsuperiortomyself。Acultivatedanddecentmancannotbevainwithoutsettingafearfullyhighstandardforhimself，andwithoutdespisingandalmosthatinghimselfatcertainmoments。ButwhetherIdespisedthemorthoughtthemsuperiorIdroppedmyeyesalmosteverytimeImetanyone。IevenmadeexperimentswhetherIcouldfacesoandso’slookingatme，andIwasalwaysthefirsttodropmyeyes。Thisworriedmetodistraction。I
hadasicklydread，too，ofbeingridiculous，andsohadaslavishpassionfortheconventionalineverythingexternal。I
lovedtofallintothecommonrut，andhadawhole-heartedterrorofanykindofeccentricityinmyself。ButhowcouldIliveuptoit？Iwasmorbidlysensitiveasamanofourageshouldbe。
Theywereallstupid，andaslikeoneanotherassomanysheep。
PerhapsIwastheonlyoneintheofficewhofanciedthatIwasacowardandaslave，andIfancieditjustbecauseIwasmorehighlydeveloped。ButitwasnotonlythatIfanciedit，itreallywasso。Iwasacowardandaslave。Isaythiswithouttheslightestembarrassment。Everydecentmanofouragemustbeacowardandaslave。Thatishisnormalcondition。OfthatI
amfirmlypersuaded。Heismadeandconstructedtothatveryend。Andnotonlyatthepresenttimeowingtosomecasualcircumstances，butalways，atalltimes，adecentmanisboundtobeacowardandaslave。Itisthelawofnatureforalldecentpeopleallovertheearth。Ifanyoneofthemhappenstobevaliantaboutsomething，heneednotbecomfortednorcarriedawaybythat;hewouldshowthewhitefeatherjustthesamebeforesomethingelse。Thatishowitinvariablyandinevitablyends。Onlydonkeysandmulesarevaliant，andtheyonlytilltheyarepusheduptothewall。Itisnotworthwhiletopayattentiontothemfortheyreallyareofnoconsequence。
Anothercircumstance，too，worriedmeinthosedays：thattherewasnoonelikemeandIwasunlikeanyoneelse。"Iamaloneandtheyare_everyone_，"Ithought——andpondered。
FromthatitisevidentthatIwasstillayoungster。
Theveryoppositesometimeshappened。Itwasloathsomesometimestogototheoffice;thingsreachedsuchapointthatIoftencamehomeill。Butallatonce，aproposofnothing，therewouldcomeaphaseofscepticismandindifference（everythinghappenedinphasestome），andIwouldlaughmyselfatmyintoleranceandfastidiousness，Iwouldreproachmyselfwithbeing_romantic_。
AtonetimeIwasunwillingtospeaktoanyone，whileatothertimesIwouldnotonlytalk，butgotothelengthofcontemplatingmakingfriendswiththem。Allmyfastidiousnesswouldsuddenly，fornorhymeorreason，vanish。Whoknows，perhapsIneverhadreallyhadit，andithadsimplybeenaffected，andgotoutofbooks。Ihavenotdecidedthatquestionevennow。OnceIquitemadefriendswiththem，visitedtheirhomes，playedpreference，drankvodka，talkedofpromotions……
Buthereletmemakeadigression。
WeRussians，speakinggenerally，haveneverhadthosefoolishtranscendental"romantics"——German，andstillmoreFrench——onwhomnothingproducesanyeffect;iftherewereanearthquake，ifallFranceperishedatthebarricades，theywouldstillbethesame，theywouldnotevenhavethedecencytoaffectachange，butwouldstillgoonsingingtheirtranscendentalsongstothehouroftheirdeath，becausetheyarefools。We，inRussia，havenofools;thatiswellknown。Thatiswhatdistinguishesusfromforeignlands。Consequentlythesetranscendentalnaturesarenotfoundamongstusintheirpureform。Theideathattheyareisduetoour"realistic"journalistsandcriticsofthatday，alwaysonthelookoutforKostanzhoglosandUnclePyotrIvanitchsandfoolishlyacceptingthemasourideal;theyhaveslanderedourromantics，takingthemforthesametranscendentalsortasinGermanyorFrance。Onthecontrary，thecharacteristicsofour"romantics"areabsolutelyanddirectlyopposedtothetranscendentalEuropeantype，andnoEuropeanstandardcanbeappliedtothem。（Allowmetomakeuseofthisword"romantic"-anold-fashionedandmuchrespectedwordwhichhasdonegoodserviceandisfamiliartoall。）Thecharacteristicsofourromanticaretounderstandeverything，_toseeeverythingandtoseeitoftenincomparablymoreclearlythanourmostrealisticmindsseeit_;torefusetoacceptanyoneoranything，butatthesametimenottodespiseanything;togiveway，toyield，frompolicy;nevertolosesightofausefulpracticalobject（suchasrent-freequartersatthegovernmentexpense，pensions，decorations），tokeeptheireyeonthatobjectthroughalltheenthusiasmsandvolumesoflyricalpoems，andatthesametimetopreserve"thesublimeandthebeautiful"
inviolatewithinthemtothehouroftheirdeath，andtopreservethemselvesalso，incidentally，likesomepreciousjewelwrappedincottonwoolifonlyforthebenefitof"thesublimeandthebeautiful。"Our"romantic"isamanofgreatbreadthandthegreatestrogueofallourrogues，Iassureyou……Icanassureyoufromexperience，indeed。Ofcourse，thatis，ifheisintelligent。ButwhatamIsaying！Theromanticisalwaysintelligent，andIonlymeanttoobservethatalthoughwehavehadfoolishromanticstheydon’tcount，andtheywereonlysobecauseinthefloweroftheiryouththeydegeneratedintoGermans，andtopreservetheirpreciousjewelmorecomfortably，settledsomewhereoutthere——bypreferenceinWeimarortheBlackForest。I，forinstance，genuinelydespisedmyofficialworkanddidnotopenlyabuseitsimplybecauseIwasinitmyselfandgotasalaryforit。Anyway，takenote，Ididnotopenlyabuseit。
Ourromanticwouldrathergooutofhismind——athing，however，whichveryrarelyhappens——thantaketoopenabuse，unlesshehadsomeothercareerinview;andheisneverkickedout。Atmost，theywouldtakehimtothelunaticasylumas"theKingofSpain"
ifheshouldgoverymad。Butitisonlythethin，fairpeoplewhogooutoftheirmindsinRussia。Innumerable"romantics"
attainlaterinlifetoconsiderablerankintheservice。Theirmany-sidednessisremarkable！Andwhatafacultytheyhaveforthemostcontradictorysensations！Iwascomfortedbythisthoughteveninthosedays，andIamofthesameopinionnow。
Thatiswhytherearesomany"broadnatures"amonguswhoneverlosetheiridealeveninthedepthsofdegradation;andthoughtheyneverstirafingerfortheirideal，thoughtheyarearrantthievesandknaves，yettheytearfullycherishtheirfirstidealandareextraordinarilyhonestatheart。Yes，itisonlyamongusthatthemostincorrigibleroguecanbeabsolutelyandloftilyhonestatheartwithoutintheleastceasingtobearogue。I
repeat，ourromantics，frequently，becomesuchaccomplishedrascals（Iusetheterm"rascals"affectionately），suddenlydisplaysuchasenseofrealityandpracticalknowledgethattheirbewilderedsuperiorsandthepublicgenerallycanonlyejaculateinamazement。
Theirmany-sidednessisreallyamazing，andgoodnessknowswhatitmaydevelopintolateron，andwhatthefuturehasinstoreforus。Itisnotapoormaterial！Idonotsaythisfromanyfoolishorboastfulpatriotism。ButIfeelsurethatyouareagainimaginingthatIamjoking。Orperhapsit’sjustthecontraryandyouareconvincedthatIreallythinkso。Anyway，gentlemen，Ishallwelcomebothviewsasanhonourandaspecialfavour。Anddoforgivemydigression。
Ididnot，ofcourse，maintainfriendlyrelationswithmycomradesandsoonwasatloggerheadswiththem，andinmyyouthandinexperienceIevengaveupbowingtothem，asthoughIhadcutoffallrelations。That，however，onlyhappenedtomeonce。
Asarule，Iwasalwaysalone。
InthefirstplaceIspentmostofmytimeathome，reading。I
triedtostifleallthatwascontinuallyseethingwithinmebymeansofexternalimpressions。AndtheonlyexternalmeansIhadwasreading。Reading，ofcourse，wasagreathelp——excitingme，givingmepleasureandpain。Butattimesitboredmefearfully。
Onelongedformovementinspiteofeverything，andIplungedallatonceintodark，underground，loathsomeviceofthepettiestkind。Mywretchedpassionswereacute，smarting，frommycontinual，sicklyirritabilityIhadhystericalimpulses，withtearsandconvulsions。Ihadnoresourceexceptreading，thatis，therewasnothinginmysurroundingswhichIcouldrespectandwhichattractedme。Iwasoverwhelmedwithdepression，too;I
hadanhystericalcravingforincongruityandforcontrast，andsoItooktovice。Ihavenotsaidallthistojustifymyself……But，no！Iamlying。Ididwanttojustifymyself。
Imakethatlittleobservationformyownbenefit，gentlemen。I
don’twanttolie。IvowedtomyselfIwouldnot。
Andso，furtively，timidly，insolitude，atnight，Iindulgedinfilthyvice，withafeelingofshamewhichneverdesertedme，evenatthemostloathsomemoments，andwhichatsuchmomentsnearlymademecurse。AlreadyeventhenIhadmyundergroundworldinmysoul。Iwasfearfullyafraidofbeingseen，ofbeingmet，ofbeingrecognised。Ivisitedvariousobscurehaunts。
OnenightasIwaspassingatavernIsawthroughalightedwindowsomegentlemenfightingwithbilliardcues，andsawoneofthemthrownoutofthewindow。AtothertimesIshouldhavefeltverymuchdisgusted，butIwasinsuchamoodatthetime，thatI
actuallyenviedthegentlemanthrownoutofthewindow——andI
enviedhimsomuchthatIevenwentintothetavernandintothebilliard-room。"Perhaps，"Ithought，"I’llhaveafight，too，andthey’llthrowmeoutofthewindow。"
Iwasnotdrunk——butwhatisonetodo——depressionwilldriveamantosuchapitchofhysteria！Butnothinghappened。ItseemedthatIwasnotevenequaltobeingthrownoutofthewindowandIwentawaywithouthavingmyfight。
Anofficerputmeinmyplacefromthefirstmoment。
Iwasstandingbythebilliard-tableandinmyignoranceblockinguptheway，andhewantedtopass;hetookmebytheshouldersandwithoutaword——withoutawarningorexplanation——movedmefromwhereIwasstandingtoanotherspotandpassedbyasthoughhehadnotnoticedme。Icouldhaveforgivenblows，butIcouldnotforgivehishavingmovedmewithoutnoticingme。
DevilknowswhatIwouldhavegivenforarealregularquarrel——amoredecent，amore_literary_one，sotospeak。Ihadbeentreatedlikeafly。Thisofficerwasoversixfoot，whileIwasaspindlylittlefellow。Butthequarrelwasinmyhands。IhadonlytoprotestandIcertainlywouldhavebeenthrownoutofthewindow。ButIchangedmymindandpreferredtobeataresentfulretreat。
Iwentoutofthetavernstraighthome，confusedandtroubled，andthenextnightIwentoutagainwiththesamelewdintentions，stillmorefurtively，abjectlyandmiserablythanbefore，asitwere，withtearsinmyeyes——butstillIdidgooutagain。Don’timagine，though，itwascowardicemademeslinkawayfromtheofficer;Ineverhavebeenacowardatheart，thoughIhavealwaysbeenacowardinaction。Don’tbeinahurrytolaugh——IassureyouIcanexplainitall。
Oh，ifonlythatofficerhadbeenoneofthesortwhowouldconsenttofightaduel！Butno，hewasoneofthosegentlemen（alas，longextinct！）whopreferredfightingwithcuesor，likeGogol’sLieutenantPirogov，appealingtothepolice。Theydidnotfightduelsandwouldhavethoughtaduelwithacivilianlikemeanutterlyunseemlyprocedureinanycase——andtheylookedupontheduelaltogetherassomethingimpossible，somethingfree-thinkingandFrench。Buttheywerequitereadytobully，especiallywhentheywereoversixfoot。
Ididnotslinkawaythroughcowardice，butthroughanunboundedvanity。Iwasafraidnotofhissixfoot，notofgettingasoundthrashingandbeingthrownoutofthewindow;Ishouldhavehadphysicalcourageenough，Iassureyou;butIhadnotthemoralcourage。WhatIwasafraidofwasthateveryonepresent，fromtheinsolentmarkerdowntothelowestlittlestinking，pimplyclerkinagreasycollar，wouldjeeratmeandfailtounderstandwhenIbegantoprotestandtoaddresstheminliterarylanguage。
Forofthepointofhonour——notofhonour，butofthepointofhonour（pointd’honneur）——onecannotspeakamongusexceptinliterarylanguage。Youcan’talludetothe"pointofhonour"inordinarylanguage。Iwasfullyconvinced（thesenseofreality，inspiteofallmyromanticism！）thattheywouldallsimplysplittheirsideswithlaughter，andthattheofficerwouldnotsimplybeatme，thatis，withoutinsultingme，butwouldcertainlyprodmeinthebackwithhisknee，kickmeroundthebilliard-table，andonlythenperhapshavepityanddropmeoutofthewindow。
Ofcourse，thistrivialincidentcouldnotwithmeendinthat。
Ioftenmetthatofficerafterwardsinthestreetandnoticedhimverycarefully。Iamnotquitesurewhetherherecognisedme，I
imaginenot;Ijudgefromcertainsigns。ButI——Istaredathimwithspiteandhatredandsoitwenton……forseveralyears！
Myresentmentgrewevendeeperwithyears。AtfirstIbeganmakingstealthyinquiriesaboutthisofficer。Itwasdifficultformetodoso，forIknewnoone。ButonedayIheardsomeoneshouthissurnameinthestreetasIwasfollowinghimatadistance，asthoughIweretiedtohim——andsoIlearnthissurname。AnothertimeIfollowedhimtohisflat，andfortenkopeckslearnedfromtheporterwherehelived，onwhichstorey，whetherhelivedaloneorwithothers，andsoon——infact，everythingonecouldlearnfromaporter。Onemorning，thoughI
hadnevertriedmyhandwiththepen，itsuddenlyoccurredtometowriteasatireonthisofficerintheformofanovelwhichwouldunmaskhisvillainy。Iwrotethenovelwithrelish。Ididunmaskhisvillainy，Ievenexaggeratedit;atfirstIsoalteredhissurnamethatitcouldeasilyberecognised，butonsecondthoughtsIchangedit，andsentthestorytotheOtetchestvenniyaZapiski。Butatthattimesuchattackswerenotthefashionandmystorywasnotprinted。Thatwasagreatvexationtome。
SometimesIwaspositivelychokedwithresentment。AtlastI
determinedtochallengemyenemytoaduel。Icomposedasplendid，charminglettertohim，imploringhimtoapologisetome，andhintingratherplainlyataduelincaseofrefusal。Theletterwassocomposedthatiftheofficerhadhadtheleastunderstandingofthesublimeandthebeautifulhewouldcertainlyhaveflunghimselfonmyneckandhaveofferedmehisfriendship。
Andhowfinethatwouldhavebeen！Howweshouldhavegotontogether！Hecouldhaveshieldedmewithhishigherrank，whileIcouldhaveimprovedhismindwithmyculture，and，well……myideas，andallsortsofthingsmighthavehappened。Onlyfancy，thiswastwoyearsafterhisinsulttome，andmychallengewouldhavebeenaridiculousanachronism，inspiteofalltheingenuityofmyletterindisguisingandexplainingawaytheanachronism。
But，thankGod（tothisdayIthanktheAlmightywithtearsinmyeyes）Ididnotsendthelettertohim。ColdshiversrundownmybackwhenIthinkofwhatmighthavehappenedifIhadsentit。
AndallatonceIrevengedmyselfinthesimplestway，byastrokeofgenius！Abrilliantthoughtsuddenlydawneduponme。
SometimesonholidaysIusedtostrollalongthesunnysideoftheNevskyaboutfouro’clockintheafternoon。Thoughitwashardlyastrollsomuchasaseriesofinnumerablemiseries，humiliationsandresentments;butnodoubtthatwasjustwhatI
wanted。Iusedtowrigglealonginamostunseemlyfashion，likeaneel，continuallymovingasidetomakewayforgenerals，forofficersoftheguardsandthehussars，orforladies。Atsuchminutesthereusedtobeaconvulsivetwingeatmyheart，andI
usedtofeelhotalldownmybackatthemerethoughtofthewretchednessofmyattire，ofthewretchednessandabjectnessofmylittlescurryingfigure。Thiswasaregularmartyrdom，acontinual，intolerablehumiliationatthethought，whichpassedintoanincessantanddirectsensation，thatIwasamereflyintheeyesofallthisworld，anasty，disgustingfly——moreintelligent，morehighlydeveloped，morerefinedinfeelingthananyofthem，ofcourse——butaflythatwascontinuallymakingwayforeveryone，insultedandinjuredbyeveryone。WhyIinflictedthistortureuponmyself，whyIwenttotheNevsky，Idon’tknow。
Ifeltsimplydrawnthereateverypossibleopportunity。
AlreadythenIbegantoexperiencearushoftheenjoymentofwhichIspokeinthefirstchapter。AftermyaffairwiththeofficerIfeltevenmoredrawntherethanbefore：itwasontheNevskythatImethimmostfrequently，thereIcouldadmirehim。
He，too，wenttherechieflyonholidays，He，too，turnedoutofhispathforgeneralsandpersonsofhighrank，andhetoo，wriggledbetweenthemlikeaneel;butpeople，likeme，orevenbetterdressedthanme，hesimplywalkedover;hemadestraightforthemasthoughtherewasnothingbutemptyspacebeforehim，andnever，underanycircumstances，turnedaside。Igloatedovermyresentmentwatchinghimand……alwaysresentfullymadewayforhim。ItexasperatedmethateveninthestreetIcouldnotbeonanevenfootingwithhim。
"Whymustyouinvariablybethefirsttomoveaside？"Ikeptaskingmyselfinhystericalrage，wakingupsometimesatthreeo’clockinthemorning。"Whyisityouandnothe？There’snoregulationaboutit;there’snowrittenlaw。Letthemakingwaybeequalasitusuallyiswhenrefinedpeoplemeet;hemoveshalf-wayandyoumovehalf-way;youpasswithmutualrespect。"
Butthatneverhappened，andIalwaysmovedaside，whilehedidnotevennoticemymakingwayforhim。Andloandbeholdabrightideadawneduponme！"What，"Ithought，"ifImeethimanddon’tmoveononeside？WhatifIdon’tmoveasideonpurpose，evenifIknockupagainsthim？Howwouldthatbe？"
Thisaudaciousideatooksuchaholdonmethatitgavemenopeace。Iwasdreamingofitcontinually，horribly，andI
purposelywentmorefrequentlytotheNevskyinordertopicturemorevividlyhowIshoulddoitwhenIdiddoit。Iwasdelighted。Thisintentionseemedtomemoreandmorepracticalandpossible。
"OfcourseIshallnotreallypushhim，"Ithought，alreadymoregood-naturedinmyjoy。"Iwillsimplynotturnaside，willrunupagainsthim，notveryviolently，butjustshoulderingeachother——justasmuchasdecencypermits。Iwillpushagainsthimjustasmuchashepushesagainstme。"AtlastImadeupmymindcompletely。Butmypreparationstookagreatdealoftime。Tobeginwith，whenIcarriedoutmyplanIshouldneedtobelookingrathermoredecent，andsoIhadtothinkofmyget-up。
"Incaseofemergency，if，forinstance，therewereanysortofpublicscandal（andthepublicthereisofthemostrecherche：
theCountesswalksthere;PrinceD。walksthere;alltheliteraryworldisthere），Imustbewelldressed;thatinspiresrespectandofitselfputsusonanequalfootingintheeyesofthesociety。"
WiththisobjectIaskedforsomeofmysalaryinadvance，andboughtatTchurkin’sapairofblackglovesandadecenthat。
Blackglovesseemedtomebothmoredignifiedandbontonthanthelemon-colouredoneswhichIhadcontemplatedatfirst。"Thecolouristoogaudy，itlooksasthoughoneweretryingtobeconspicuous，"andIdidnottakethelemon-colouredones。Ihadgotreadylongbeforehandagoodshirt，withwhitebonestuds;myovercoatwastheonlythingthatheldmeback。Thecoatinitselfwasaverygoodone，itkeptmewarm;butitwaswaddedandithadaraccooncollarwhichwastheheightofvulgarity。I
hadtochangethecollaratanysacrifice，andtohaveabeaveronelikeanofficer’s。ForthispurposeIbeganvisitingtheGostinyDvorandafterseveralattemptsIpitcheduponapieceofcheapGermanbeaver。ThoughtheseGermanbeaverssoongrowshabbyandlookwretched，yetatfirsttheylookexceedinglywell，andIonlyneededitfortheoccasion。Iaskedtheprice;
evenso，itwastooexpensive。AfterthinkingitoverthoroughlyIdecidedtosellmyraccooncollar。Therestofthemoney——aconsiderablesumforme，IdecidedtoborrowfromAntonAntonitchSyetotchkin，myimmediatesuperior，anunassumingperson，thoughgraveandjudicious。Heneverlentmoneytoanyone，butIhad，onenteringtheservice，beenspeciallyrecommendedtohimbyanimportantpersonagewhohadgotmemyberth。Iwashorriblyworried。ToborrowfromAntonAntonitchseemedtomemonstrousandshameful。Ididnotsleepfortwoorthreenights。Indeed，Ididnotsleepwellatthattime，Iwasinafever;Ihadavaguesinkingatmyheartorelseasuddenthrobbing，throbbing，throbbing！AntonAntonitchwassurprisedatfirst，thenhefrowned，thenhereflected，anddidafteralllendmethemoney，receivingfrommeawrittenauthorisationtotakefrommysalaryafortnightlaterthesumthathehadlentme。Inthiswayeverythingwasatlastready。Thehandsomebeaverreplacedthemean-lookingraccoon，andIbeganbydegreestogettowork。Itwouldneverhavedonetoactoffhand，atrandom;theplanhadtobecarriedoutskilfully，bydegrees。ButImustconfessthataftermanyeffortsIbegantodespair：wesimplycouldnotrunintoeachother。Imadeeverypreparation，Iwasquitedetermined——itseemedasthoughweshouldrunintooneanotherdirectly——andbeforeIknewwhatIwasdoingIhadsteppedasideforhimagainandhehadpassedwithoutnoticingme。IevenprayedasIapproachedhimthatGodwouldgrantmedetermination。
OnetimeIhadmadeupmymindthoroughly，butitendedinmystumblingandfallingathisfeetbecauseattheverylastinstantwhenIwassixinchesfromhimmycouragefailedme。Heverycalmlysteppedoverme，whileIflewononesidelikeaball。ThatnightIwasillagain，feverishanddelirious。Andsuddenlyitendedmosthappily。ThenightbeforeIhadmadeupmymindnottocarryoutmyfatalplanandtoabandonitall，andwiththatobjectIwenttotheNevskyforthelasttime，justtoseehowIwouldabandonitall。Suddenly，threepacesfrommyenemy，Iunexpectedlymadeupmymind——Iclosedmyeyes，andweranfulltilt，shouldertoshoulder，againstoneanother！Ididnotbudgeaninchandpassedhimonaperfectlyequalfooting！
Hedidnotevenlookroundandpretendednottonoticeit;buthewasonlypretending，Iamconvincedofthat。Iamconvincedofthattothisday！Ofcourse，Igottheworstofit——hewasstronger，butthatwasnotthepoint。ThepointwasthatIhadattainedmyobject，Ihadkeptupmydignity，Ihadnotyieldedastep，andhadputmyselfpubliclyonanequalsocialfootingwithhim。IreturnedhomefeelingthatIwasfullyavengedforeverything。Iwasdelighted。IwastriumphantandsangItalianarias。Ofcourse，Iwillnotdescribetoyouwhathappenedtomethreedayslater;ifyouhavereadmyfirstchapteryoucanguessforyourself。Theofficerwasafterwardstransferred;Ihavenotseenhimnowforfourteenyears。Whatisthedearfellowdoingnow？Whomishewalkingover？
II
ButtheperiodofmydissipationwouldendandIalwaysfeltverysickafterwards。Itwasfollowedbyremorse——Itriedtodriveitaway;Ifelttoosick。Bydegrees，however，Igrewusedtothattoo。Igrewusedtoeverything，orratherIvoluntarilyresignedmyselftoenduringit。ButIhadameansofescapethatreconciledeverything——thatwastofindrefugein"thesublimeandthebeautiful，"indreams，ofcourse。Iwasaterribledreamer，Iwoulddreamforthreemonthsonend，tuckedawayinmycorner，andyoumaybelievemethatatthosemomentsIhadnoresemblancetothegentlemanwho，intheperturbationofhischickenheart，putacollarofGermanbeaveronhisgreat-coat。
Isuddenlybecameahero。Iwouldnothaveadmittedmysix-footlieutenantevenifhehadcalledonme。Icouldnotevenpicturehimbeforemethen。WhatweremydreamsandhowIcouldsatisfymyselfwiththem——itishardtosaynow，butatthetimeIwassatisfiedwiththem。Though，indeed，evennow，Iamtosomeextentsatisfiedwiththem。Dreamswereparticularlysweetandvividafteraspellofdissipation;theycamewithremorseandwithtears，withcursesandtransports。Thereweremomentsofsuchpositiveintoxication，ofsuchhappiness，thattherewasnotthefaintesttraceofironywithinme，onmyhonour。Ihadfaith，hope，love。Ibelievedblindlyatsuchtimesthatbysomemiracle，bysomeexternalcircumstance，allthiswouldsuddenlyopenout，expand;thatsuddenlyavistaofsuitableactivity——beneficent，good，and，aboveall，_readymade_（whatsortofactivityIhadnoidea，butthegreatthingwasthatitshouldbeallreadyforme）——wouldriseupbeforeme——andI
shouldcomeoutintothelightofday，almostridingawhitehorseandcrownedwithlaurel。AnythingbuttheforemostplaceI
couldnotconceiveformyself，andforthatveryreasonIquitecontentedlyoccupiedthelowestinreality。Eithertobeaheroortogrovelinthemud——therewasnothingbetween。Thatwasmyruin，forwhenIwasinthemudIcomfortedmyselfwiththethoughtthatatothertimesIwasahero，andtheherowasacloakforthemud：foranordinarymanitwasshamefultodefilehimself，butaherowastooloftytobeutterlydefiled，andsohemightdefilehimself。Itisworthnotingthattheseattacksofthe"sublimeandthebeautiful"visitedmeevenduringtheperiodofdissipationandjustatthetimeswhenIwastouchingthebottom。Theycameinseparatespurts，asthoughremindingmeofthemselves，butdidnotbanishthedissipationbytheirappearance。Onthecontrary，theyseemedtoaddazesttoitbycontrast，andwereonlysufficientlypresenttoserveasanappetisingsauce。Thatsaucewasmadeupofcontradictionsandsufferings，ofagonisinginwardanalysis，andallthesepangsandpin-pricksgaveacertainpiquancy，evenasignificancetomydissipation——infact，completelyansweredthepurposeofanappetisingsauce。Therewasacertaindepthofmeaninginit。
AndIcouldhardlyhaveresignedmyselftothesimple，vulgar，directdebaucheryofaclerkandhaveenduredallthefilthinessofit。Whatcouldhavealluredmeaboutitthenandhavedrawnmeatnightintothestreet？No，Ihadaloftywayofgettingoutofitall。
Andwhatloving-kindness，ohLord，whatloving-kindnessIfeltattimesinthosedreamsofmine！inthose"flightsintothesublimeandthebeautiful";thoughitwasfantasticlove，thoughitwasneverappliedtoanythinghumaninreality，yettherewassomuchofthislovethatonedidnotfeelafterwardseventheimpulsetoapplyitinreality;thatwouldhavebeensuperfluous。
Everything，however，passedsatisfactorilybyalazyandfascinatingtransitionintothesphereofart，thatis，intothebeautifulformsoflife，lyingready，largelystolenfromthepoetsandnovelistsandadaptedtoallsortsofneedsanduses。
I，forinstance，wastriumphantovereveryone;everyone，ofcourse，wasindustandashes，andwasforcedspontaneouslytorecognisemysuperiority，andIforgavethemall。Iwasapoetandagrandgentleman，Ifellinlove;Icameinforcountlessmillionsandimmediatelydevotedthemtohumanity，andatthesametimeIconfessedbeforeallthepeoplemyshamefuldeeds，which，ofcourse，werenotmerelyshameful，buthadinthemmuchthatwas"sublimeandbeautiful"somethingintheManfredstyle。
Everyonewouldkissmeandweep（whatidiotstheywouldbeiftheydidnot），whileIshouldgobarefootandhungrypreachingnewideasandfightingavictoriousAusterlitzagainsttheobscurantists。Thenthebandwouldplayamarch，anamnestywouldbedeclared，thePopewouldagreetoretirefromRometoBrazil;thentherewouldbeaballforthewholeofItalyattheVillaBorgheseontheshoresofLakeComo，LakeComobeingforthatpurposetransferredtotheneighbourhoodofRome;thenwouldcomeasceneinthebushes，andsoon，andsoon——asthoughyoudidnotknowallaboutit？YouwillsaythatitisvulgarandcontemptibletodragallthisintopublicafterallthetearsandtransportswhichIhavemyselfconfessed。Butwhyisitcontemptible？CanyouimaginethatIamashamedofitall，andthatitwasstupiderthananythinginyourlife，gentlemen？AndIcanassureyouthatsomeofthesefancieswerebynomeansbadlycomposed……ItdidnotallhappenontheshoresofLakeComo。Andyetyouareright——itreallyisvulgarandcontemptible。AndmostcontemptibleofallitisthatnowIamattemptingtojustifymyselftoyou。Andevenmorecontemptiblethanthatismymakingthisremarknow。Butthat’senough，ortherewillbenoendtoit;eachstepwillbemorecontemptiblethanthelast……
Icouldneverstandmorethanthreemonthsofdreamingatatimewithoutfeelinganirresistibledesiretoplungeintosociety。
Toplungeintosocietymeanttovisitmysuperiorattheoffice，AntonAntonitchSyetotchkin。HewastheonlypermanentacquaintanceIhavehadinmylife，andIwonderatthefactmyselfnow。ButIonlywenttoseehimwhenthatphasecameoverme，andwhenmydreamshadreachedsuchapointofblissthatitbecameessentialatoncetoembracemyfellowsandallmankind;
andforthatpurposeIneeded，atleast，onehumanbeing，actuallyexisting。IhadtocallonAntonAntonitch，however，onTuesday——hisat-homeday;soIhadalwaystotimemypassionatedesiretoembracehumanitysothatitmightfallonaTuesday。
ThisAntonAntonitchlivedonthefourthstoreyinahouseinFiveCorners，infourlow-pitchedrooms，onesmallerthantheother，ofaparticularlyfrugalandsallowappearance。Hehadtwodaughtersandtheiraunt，whousedtopouroutthetea。Ofthedaughtersonewasthirteenandanotherfourteen，theybothhadsnubnoses，andIwasawfullyshyofthembecausetheywerealwayswhisperingandgigglingtogether。Themasterofthehouseusuallysatinhisstudyonaleathercouchinfrontofthetablewithsomegrey-headedgentleman，usuallyacolleaguefromourofficeorsomeotherdepartment。Ineversawmorethantwoorthreevisitorsthere，alwaysthesame。Theytalkedabouttheexciseduty;aboutbusinessinthesenate，aboutsalaries，aboutpromotions，aboutHisExcellency，andthebestmeansofpleasinghim，andsoon。Ihadthepatiencetositlikeafoolbesidethesepeopleforfourhoursatastretch，listeningtothemwithoutknowingwhattosaytothemorventuringtosayaword。
Ibecamestupefied，severaltimesIfeltmyselfperspiring，Iwasovercomebyasortofparalysis;butthiswaspleasantandgoodforme。OnreturninghomeIdeferredforatimemydesiretoembraceallmankind。
Ihadhoweveroneotheracquaintanceofasort，Simonov，whowasanoldschoolfellow。Ihadanumberofschoolfellows，indeed，inPetersburg，butIdidnotassociatewiththemandhadevengivenupnoddingtotheminthestreet。IbelieveIhadtransferredintothedepartmentIwasinsimplytoavoidtheircompanyandtocutoffallconnectionwithmyhatefulchildhood。Cursesonthatschoolandallthoseterribleyearsofpenalservitude！Inshort，IpartedfrommyschoolfellowsassoonasIgotoutintotheworld。ThereweretwoorthreelefttowhomInoddedinthestreet。OneofthemwasSimonov，whohadinnowaybeendistinguishedatschool，wasofaquietandequabledisposition;
butIdiscoveredinhimacertainindependenceofcharacterandevenhonesty。Idon’tevensupposethathewasparticularlystupid。Ihadatonetimespentsomerathersoulfulmomentswithhim，butthesehadnotlastedlongandhadsomehowbeensuddenlycloudedover。Hewasevidentlyuncomfortableatthesereminiscences，andwas，Ifancy，alwaysafraidthatImighttakeupthesametoneagain。Isuspectedthathehadanaversionforme，butstillIwentongoingtoseehim，notbeingquitecertainofit。
Andsoononeoccasion，unabletoenduremysolitudeandknowingthatasitwasThursdayAntonAntonitch’sdoorwouldbeclosed，I
thoughtofSimonov。ClimbinguptohisfourthstoreyIwasthinkingthatthemandislikedmeandthatitwasamistaketogoandseehim。Butasitalwayshappenedthatsuchreflectionsimpelledme，asthoughpurposely，toputmyselfintoafalseposition，Iwentin。ItwasalmostayearsinceIhadlastseenSimonov。
III
Ifoundtwoofmyoldschoolfellowswithhim。Theyseemedtobediscussinganimportantmatter。Allofthemtookscarcelyanynoticeofmyentrance，whichwasstrange，forIhadnotmetthemforyears。Evidentlytheylookeduponmeassomethingonthelevelofacommonfly。Ihadnotbeentreatedlikethatevenatschool，thoughtheyallhatedme。Iknew，ofcourse，thattheymustdespisemenowformylackofsuccessintheservice，andformyhavingletmyselfsinksolow，goingaboutbadlydressedandsoon——whichseemedtothemasignofmyincapacityandinsignificance。ButIhadnotexpectedsuchcontempt。Simonovwaspositivelysurprisedatmyturningup。Eveninolddayshehadalwaysseemedsurprisedatmycoming。Allthisdisconcertedme：Isatdown，feelingrathermiserable，andbeganlisteningtowhattheyweresaying。
TheywereengagedinwarmandearnestconversationaboutafarewelldinnerwhichtheywantedtoarrangeforthenextdaytoacomradeoftheirscalledZverkov，anofficerinthearmy，whowasgoingawaytoadistantprovince。ThisZverkovhadbeenallthetimeatschoolwithmetoo。Ihadbeguntohatehimparticularlyintheupperforms。Inthelowerformshehadsimplybeenapretty，playfulboywhomeverybodyliked。Ihadhatedhim，however，eveninthelowerforms，justbecausehewasaprettyandplayfulboy。Hewasalwaysbadathislessonsandgotworseandworseashewenton;however，heleftwithagoodcertificate，ashehadpowerfulinterests。Duringhislastyearatschoolhecameinforanestateoftwohundredserfs，andasalmostallofuswerepoorhetookupaswaggeringtoneamongus。
Hewasvulgarintheextreme，butatthesametimehewasagood-naturedfellow，eveninhisswaggering。Inspiteofsuperficial，fantasticandshamnotionsofhonouranddignity，allbutveryfewofuspositivelygrovelledbeforeZverkov，andthemoresothemoreheswaggered。Anditwasnotfromanyinterestedmotivethattheygrovelled，butsimplybecausehehadbeenfavouredbythegiftsofnature。Moreover，itwas，asitwere，anacceptedideaamongusthatZverkovwasaspecialistinregardtotactandthesocialgraces。Thislastfactparticularlyinfuriatedme。Ihatedtheabruptself-confidenttoneofhisvoice，hisadmirationofhisownwitticisms，whichwereoftenfrightfullystupid，thoughhewasboldinhislanguage;Ihatedhishandsome，butstupidface（forwhichI
would，however，havegladlyexchangedmyintelligentone），andthefree-and-easymilitarymannersinfashioninthe"’forties。"
Ihatedthewayinwhichheusedtotalkofhisfutureconquestsofwomen（hedidnotventuretobeginhisattackuponwomenuntilhehadtheepaulettesofanofficer，andwaslookingforwardtothemwithimpatience），andboastedoftheduelshewouldconstantlybefighting。IrememberhowI，invariablysotaciturn，suddenlyfasteneduponZverkov，whenonedaytalkingataleisuremomentwithhisschoolfellowsofhisfuturerelationswiththefairsex，andgrowingassportiveasapuppyinthesun，heallatoncedeclaredthathewouldnotleaveasinglevillagegirlonhisestateunnoticed，thatthatwashisdroitdeseigneur，andthatifthepeasantsdaredtoprotesthewouldhavethemallfloggedanddoublethetaxonthem，thebeardedrascals。
Ourservilerabbleapplauded，butIattackedhim，notfromcompassionforthegirlsandtheirfathers，butsimplybecausetheywereapplaudingsuchaninsect。Igotthebetterofhimonthatoccasion，butthoughZverkovwasstupidhewaslivelyandimpudent，andsolaugheditoff，andinsuchawaythatmyvictorywasnotreallycomplete;thelaughwasonhisside。Hegotthebetterofmeonseveraloccasionsafterwards，butwithoutmalice，jestingly，casually。Iremainedangrilyandcontemptuouslysilentandwouldnotanswerhim。Whenweleftschoolhemadeadvancestome;Ididnotrebuffthem，forIwasflattered，butwesoonpartedandquitenaturally。AfterwardsI
heardofhisbarrack-roomsuccessasalieutenant，andofthefastlifehewasleading。Thentherecameotherrumours——ofhissuccessesintheservice。Bythenhehadtakentocuttingmeinthestreet，andIsuspectedthathewasafraidofcompromisinghimselfbygreetingapersonageasinsignificantasme。Isawhimonceinthetheatre，inthethirdtierofboxes。Bythenhewaswearingshoulder-straps。Hewastwistingandtwirlingabout，ingratiatinghimselfwiththedaughtersofanancientGeneral。
Inthreeyearshehadgoneoffconsiderably，thoughhewasstillratherhandsomeandadroit。Onecouldseethatbythetimehewasthirtyhewouldbecorpulent。SoitwastothisZverkovthatmyschoolfellowsweregoingtogiveadinneronhisdeparture。
Theyhadkeptupwithhimforthosethreeyears，thoughprivatelytheydidnotconsiderthemselvesonanequalfootingwithhim，I
amconvincedofthat。
OfSimonov’stwovisitors，onewasFerfitchkin，aRussianisedGerman——alittlefellowwiththefaceofamonkey，ablockheadwhowasalwaysderidingeveryone，averybitterenemyofminefromourdaysinthelowerforms——avulgar，impudent，swaggeringfellow，whoaffectedamostsensitivefeelingofpersonalhonour，though，ofcourse，hewasawretchedlittlecowardatheart。HewasoneofthoseworshippersofZverkovwhomadeuptothelatterfrominterestedmotives，andoftenborrowedmoneyfromhim。
Simonov’sothervisitor，Trudolyubov，wasapersoninnowayremarkable——atallyoungfellow，inthearmy，withacoldface，fairlyhonest，thoughheworshippedsuccessofeverysort，andwasonlycapableofthinkingofpromotion。HewassomesortofdistantrelationofZverkov’s，andthis，foolishasitseems，gavehimacertainimportanceamongus。Healwaysthoughtmeofnoconsequencewhatever;hisbehaviourtome，thoughnotquitecourteous，wastolerable。
"Well，withsevenroubleseach，"saidTrudolyubov，"twenty-oneroublesbetweenthethreeofus，weoughttobeabletogetagooddinner。Zverkov，ofcourse，won’tpay。"
"Ofcoursenot，sinceweareinvitinghim，"Simonovdecided。
"Canyouimagine，"Ferfitchkininterruptedhotlyandconceitedly，likesomeinsolentflunkeyboastingofhismastertheGeneral’sdecorations，"canyouimaginethatZverkovwillletuspayalone？
Hewillacceptfromdelicacy，buthewillorderhalfadozenbottlesofchampagne。"
"Dowewanthalfadozenforthefourofus？"observedTrudolyubov，takingnoticeonlyofthehalfdozen。
"Sothethreeofus，withZverkovforthefourth，twenty-oneroubles，attheHoteldeParisatfiveo’clocktomorrow，"
Simonov，whohadbeenaskedtomakethearrangements，concludedfinally。
"Howtwenty-oneroubles？"Iaskedinsomeagitation，withashowofbeingoffended;"ifyoucountmeitwillnotbetwenty-one，buttwenty-eightroubles。"
Itseemedtomethattoinvitemyselfsosuddenlyandunexpectedlywouldbepositivelygraceful，andthattheywouldallbeconqueredatonceandwouldlookatmewithrespect。
"Doyouwanttojoin，too？"Simonovobserved，withnoappearanceofpleasure，seemingtoavoidlookingatme。Heknewmethroughandthrough。
Itinfuriatedmethatheknewmesothoroughly。
"Whynot？Iamanoldschoolfellowofhis，too，Ibelieve，andI
mustownIfeelhurtthatyouhaveleftmeout，"Isaid，boilingoveragain。
"Andwherewerewetofindyou？"Ferfitchkinputinroughly。
"YouneverwereongoodtermswithZverkov，"Trudolyubovadded，frowning。
ButIhadalreadyclutchedattheideaandwouldnotgiveitup。
"Itseemstomethatnoonehasarighttoformanopinionuponthat，"Iretortedinashakingvoice，asthoughsomethingtremendoushadhappened。"Perhapsthatisjustmyreasonforwishingitnow，thatIhavenotalwaysbeenongoodtermswithhim。"
"Oh，there’snomakingyouout……withtheserefinements，"
Trudolyubovjeered。
"We’llputyournamedown，"Simonovdecided，addressingme。
"Tomorrowatfive-o’clockattheHoteldeParis。"
"Whataboutthemoney？"Ferfitchkinbeganinanundertone，indicatingmetoSimonov，buthebrokeoff，forevenSimonovwasembarrassed。
"Thatwilldo，"saidTrudolyubov，gettingup。"Ifhewantstocomesomuch，lethim。"
"Butit’saprivatething，betweenusfriends，"Ferfitchkinsaidcrossly，ashe，too，pickeduphishat。"It’snotanofficialgathering。"
"Wedonotwantatall，perhaps……"
Theywentaway。Ferfitchkindidnotgreetmeinanywayashewentout，Trudolyubovbarelynodded。Simonov，withwhomIwaslefttete-a-tete，wasinastateofvexationandperplexity，andlookedatmequeerly。Hedidnotsitdownanddidnotaskmeto。
"H’m……yes……tomorrow，then。Willyoupayyoursubscriptionnow？Ijustasksoastoknow，"hemutteredinembarrassment。
Iflushedcrimson，asIdidsoIrememberedthatIhadowedSimonovfifteenroublesforages——whichIhad，indeed，neverforgotten，thoughIhadnotpaidit。
"Youwillunderstand，Simonov，thatIcouldhavenoideawhenI
camehere……IamverymuchvexedthatIhaveforgotten……"
"Allright，allright，thatdoesn’tmatter。Youcanpaytomorrowafterthedinner。Isimplywantedtoknow……Pleasedon’t……"
Hebrokeoffandbeganpacingtheroomstillmorevexed。Ashewalkedhebegantostampwithhisheels。
"AmIkeepingyou？"Iasked，aftertwominutesofsilence。
"Oh！"hesaid，starting，"thatis——tobetruthful——yes。Ihavetogoandseesomeone……notfarfromhere，"headdedinanapologeticvoice，somewhatabashed。
"Mygoodness，whydidn’tyousayso？"Icried，seizingmycap，withanastonishinglyfree-and-easyair，whichwasthelastthingIshouldhaveexpectedofmyself"It’scloseby……nottwopacesaway，"Simonovrepeated，accompanyingmetothefrontdoorwithafussyairwhichdidnotsuithimatall。"Sofiveo’clock，punctually，tomorrow，"hecalleddownthestairsafterme。Hewasverygladtogetridofme。Iwasinafury。
"Whatpossessedme，whatpossessedmetoforcemyselfuponthem？"
Iwondered，grindingmyteethasIstrodealongthestreet，"forascoundrel，apiglikethatZverkov！OfcourseIhadbetternotgo;ofcourse，Imustjustsnapmyfingersatthem。Iamnotboundinanyway。I’llsendSimonovanotebytomorrow’spost……"
ButwhatmademefuriouswasthatIknewforcertainthatI
shouldgo，thatIshouldmakeapointofgoing;andthemoretactless，themoreunseemlymygoingwouldbe，themorecertainlyIwouldgo。
Andtherewasapositiveobstacletomygoing：Ihadnomoney。
AllIhadwasnineroubles，Ihadtogivesevenofthattomyservant，Apollon，forhismonthlywages。ThatwasallIpaidhim——hehadtokeephimself。
Nottopayhimwasimpossible，consideringhischaracter。ButI
willtalkaboutthatfellow，aboutthatplagueofmine，anothertime。
However，IknewIshouldgoandshouldnotpayhimhiswages。
ThatnightIhadthemosthideousdreams。Nowonder;alltheeveningIhadbeenoppressedbymemoriesofmymiserabledaysatschool，andIcouldnotshakethemoff。Iwassenttotheschoolbydistantrelations，uponwhomIwasdependentandofwhomI
haveheardnothingsince——theysentmethereaforlorn，silentboy，alreadycrushedbytheirreproaches，alreadytroubledbydoubt，andlookingwithsavagedistrustateveryone。MyschoolfellowsmetmewithspitefulandmercilessjibesbecauseI
wasnotlikeanyofthem。ButIcouldnotenduretheirtaunts;I
couldnotgiveintothemwiththeignoblereadinesswithwhichtheygaveintooneanother。Ihatedthemfromthefirst，andshutmyselfawayfromeveryoneintimid，woundedanddisproportionatepride。Theircoarsenessrevoltedme。Theylaughedcynicallyatmyface，atmyclumsyfigure;andyetwhatstupidfacestheyhadthemselves。Inourschooltheboys’facesseemedinaspecialwaytodegenerateandgrowstupider。Howmanyfine-lookingboyscametous！Inafewyearstheybecamerepulsive。EvenatsixteenIwonderedatthemmorosely;eventhenIwasstruckbythepettinessoftheirthoughts，thestupidityoftheirpursuits，theirgames，theirconversations。
Theyhadnounderstandingofsuchessentialthings，theytooknointerestinsuchstriking，impressivesubjects，thatIcouldnothelpconsideringtheminferiortomyself。Itwasnotwoundedvanitythatdrovemetoit，andforGod’ssakedonotthrustuponmeyourhackneyedremarks，repeatedtonausea，that"Iwasonlyadreamer，"whiletheyeventhenhadanunderstandingoflife。
Theyunderstoodnothing，theyhadnoideaofreallife，andI
swearthatthatwaswhatmadememostindignantwiththem。Onthecontrary，themostobvious，strikingrealitytheyacceptedwithfantasticstupidityandevenatthattimewereaccustomedtorespectsuccess。Everythingthatwasjust，butoppressedandlookeddownupon，theylaughedatheartlesslyandshamefully。
Theytookrankforintelligence;evenatsixteentheywerealreadytalkingaboutasnugberth。Ofcourse，agreatdealofitwasduetotheirstupidity，tothebadexampleswithwhichtheyhadalwaysbeensurroundedintheirchildhoodandboyhood。
Theyweremonstrouslydepraved。Ofcourseagreatdealofthat，too，wassuperficialandanassumptionofcynicism;ofcoursetherewereglimpsesofyouthandfreshnessevenintheirdepravity;buteventhatfreshnesswasnotattractive，andshoweditselfinacertainrakishness。Ihatedthemhorribly，thoughperhapsIwasworsethananyofthem。Theyrepaidmeinthesameway，anddidnotconcealtheiraversionforme。ButbythenI
didnotdesiretheiraffection：onthecontrary，Icontinuallylongedfortheirhumiliation。ToescapefromtheirderisionI
purposelybegantomakealltheprogressIcouldwithmystudiesandforcedmywaytotheverytop。Thisimpressedthem。
Moreover，theyallbeganbydegreestograspthatIhadalreadyreadbooksnoneofthemcouldread，andunderstoodthings（notformingpartofourschoolcurriculum）ofwhichtheyhadnotevenheard。Theytookasavageandsarcasticviewofit，butweremorallyimpressed，especiallyastheteachersbegantonoticemeonthosegrounds。Themockeryceased，butthehostilityremained，andcoldandstrainedrelationsbecamepermanentbetweenus。IntheendIcouldnotputupwithit：withyearsacravingforsociety，forfriends，developedinme。Iattemptedtogetonfriendlytermswithsomeofmyschoolfellows;butsomehoworothermyintimacywiththemwasalwaysstrainedandsoonendedofitself。Once，indeed，Ididhaveafriend。ButIwasalreadyatyrantatheart;Iwantedtoexerciseunboundedswayoverhim;
Itriedtoinstilintohimacontemptforhissurroundings;I
requiredofhimadisdainfulandcompletebreakwiththosesurroundings。Ifrightenedhimwithmypassionateaffection;I
reducedhimtotears，tohysterics。Hewasasimpleanddevotedsoul;butwhenhedevotedhimselftomeentirelyIbegantohatehimimmediatelyandrepulsedhim——asthoughallIneededhimforwastowinavictoryoverhim，tosubjugatehimandnothingelse。
ButIcouldnotsubjugateallofthem;myfriendwasnotatalllikethemeither，hewas，infact，arareexception。ThefirstthingIdidonleavingschoolwastogiveupthespecialjobforwhichIhadbeendestinedsoastobreakallties，tocursemypastandshakethedustfromoffmyfeet……Andgoodnessknowswhy，afterallthat，IshouldgotrudgingofftoSimonov’s！
EarlynextmorningIrousedmyselfandjumpedoutofbedwithexcitement，asthoughitwereallabouttohappenatonce。ButI
believedthatsomeradicalchangeinmylifewascoming，andwouldinevitablycomethatday。Owingtoitsrarity，perhaps，anyexternalevent，howevertrivial，alwaysmademefeelasthoughsomeradicalchangeinmylifewereathand。Iwenttotheoffice，however，asusual，butsneakedawayhometwohoursearliertogetready。Thegreatthing，Ithought，isnottobethefirsttoarrive，ortheywillthinkIamoverjoyedatcoming。