PARTI
　　UNDERGROUND*
　　*Theauthorofthediaryandthediaryitselfare，ofcourse，imaginary。Neverthelessitisclearthatsuchpersonsasthewriterofthesenotesnotonlymay，butpositivelymust，existinoursociety，whenweconsiderthecircumstancesinthemidstofwhichoursocietyisformed。Ihavetriedtoexposetotheviewofthepublicmoredistinctlythaniscommonlydone，oneofthecharactersoftherecentpast。Heisoneoftherepresentativesofagenerationstillliving。Inthisfragment，entitled"Underground，"thispersonintroduceshimselfandhisviews，and，asitwere，triestoexplainthecausesowingtowhichhehasmadehisappearanceandwasboundtomakehisappearanceinourmidst。Inthesecondfragmentthereareaddedtheactualnotesofthispersonconcerningcertaineventsinhislife。——AUTHOR’S
　　NOTE。
　　I
　　Iamasickman……Iamaspitefulman。Iamanunattractiveman。Ibelievemyliverisdiseased。However，Iknownothingatallaboutmydisease，anddonotknowforcertainwhatailsme。
　　Idon’tconsultadoctorforit，andneverhave，thoughIhavearespectformedicineanddoctors。Besides，Iamextremelysuperstitious，sufficientlysotorespectmedicine，anyway（Iamwell-educatedenoughnottobesuperstitious，butIamsuperstitious）。No，Irefusetoconsultadoctorfromspite。
　　Thatyouprobablywillnotunderstand。Well，Iunderstandit，though。Ofcourse，Ican’texplainwhoitispreciselythatIammortifyinginthiscasebymyspite：IamperfectlywellawarethatIcannot"payout"thedoctorsbynotconsultingthem;I
　　knowbetterthananyonethatbyallthisIamonlyinjuringmyselfandnooneelse。Butstill，ifIdon’tconsultadoctoritisfromspite。Myliverisbad，well——letitgetworse！
　　Ihavebeengoingonlikethatforalongtime——twentyyears。
　　NowIamforty。Iusedtobeinthegovernmentservice，butamnolonger。Iwasaspitefulofficial。Iwasrudeandtookpleasureinbeingso。Ididnottakebribes，yousee，soIwasboundtofindarecompenseinthat，atleast。（Apoorjest，butI
　　willnotscratchitout。Iwroteitthinkingitwouldsoundverywitty;butnowthatIhaveseenmyselfthatIonlywantedtoshowoffinadespicableway——Iwillnotscratchitoutonpurpose！）
　　WhenpetitionersusedtocomeforinformationtothetableatwhichIsat，Iusedtogrindmyteethatthem，andfeltintenseenjoymentwhenIsucceededinmakinganybodyunhappy。Ialmostdidsucceed。Forthemostparttheywerealltimidpeople——ofcourse，theywerepetitioners。ButoftheuppishonestherewasoneofficerinparticularIcouldnotendure。Hesimplywouldnotbehumble，andclankedhisswordinadisgustingway。I
　　carriedonafeudwithhimforeighteenmonthsoverthatsword。
　　AtlastIgotthebetterofhim。Heleftoffclankingit。Thathappenedinmyyouth，though。Butdoyouknow，gentlemen，whatwasthechiefpointaboutmyspite？Why，thewholepoint，therealstingofitlayinthefactthatcontinually，eveninthemomentoftheacutestspleen，IwasinwardlyconsciouswithshamethatIwasnotonlynotaspitefulbutnotevenanembitteredman，thatIwassimplyscaringsparrowsatrandomandamusingmyselfbyit。Imightfoamatthemouth，butbringmeadolltoplaywith，givemeacupofteawithsugarinit，andmaybeI
　　shouldbeappeased。Imightevenbegenuinelytouched，thoughprobablyIshouldgrindmyteethatmyselfafterwardsandlieawakeatnightwithshameformonthsafter。Thatwasmyway。
　　IwaslyingwhenIsaidjustnowthatIwasaspitefulofficial。
　　Iwaslyingfromspite。Iwassimplyamusingmyselfwiththepetitionersandwiththeofficer，andinrealityInevercouldbecomespiteful。Iwasconsciouseverymomentinmyselfofmany，verymanyelementsabsolutelyoppositetothat。Ifeltthempositivelyswarminginme，theseoppositeelements。Iknewthattheyhadbeenswarminginmeallmylifeandcravingsomeoutletfromme，butIwouldnotletthem，wouldnotletthem，purposelywouldnotletthemcomeout。TheytormentedmetillIwasashamed：theydrovemetoconvulsionsand——sickenedme，atlast，howtheysickenedme！Now，arenotyoufancying，gentlemen，thatIamexpressingremorseforsomethingnow，thatIamaskingyourforgivenessforsomething？Iamsureyouarefancyingthat……However，IassureyouIdonotcareifyouare……
　　ItwasnotonlythatIcouldnotbecomespiteful，Ididnotknowhowtobecomeanything;neitherspitefulnorkind，neitherarascalnoranhonestman，neitheraheronoraninsect。Now，I
　　amlivingoutmylifeinmycorner，tauntingmyselfwiththespitefulanduselessconsolationthatanintelligentmancannotbecomeanythingseriously，anditisonlythefoolwhobecomesanything。Yes，amaninthenineteenthcenturymustandmorallyoughttobepre-eminentlyacharacterlesscreature;amanofcharacter，anactivemanispre-eminentlyalimitedcreature。
　　Thatismyconvictionoffortyyears。Iamfortyyearsoldnow，andyouknowfortyyearsisawholelifetime;youknowitisextremeoldage。Tolivelongerthanfortyyearsisbadmanners，isvulgar，immoral。Whodoeslivebeyondforty？Answerthat，sincerelyandhonestlyIwilltellyouwhodo：foolsandworthlessfellows。Itellalloldmenthattotheirface，allthesevenerableoldmen，allthesesilver-hairedandreverendseniors！Itellthewholeworldthattoitsface！Ihavearighttosayso，forIshallgoonlivingtosixtymyself。Toseventy！Toeighty！……Stay，letmetakebreath……
　　Youimaginenodoubt，gentlemen，thatIwanttoamuseyou。Youaremistakeninthat，too。Iambynomeanssuchamirthfulpersonasyouimagine，orasyoumayimagine;however，irritatedbyallthisbabble（andIfeelthatyouareirritated）youthinkfittoaskmewhoIam——thenmyansweris，Iamacollegiateassessor。IwasintheservicethatImighthavesomethingtoeat（andsolelyforthatreason），andwhenlastyearadistantrelationleftmesixthousandroublesinhiswillIimmediatelyretiredfromtheserviceandsettleddowninmycorner。Iusedtoliveinthiscornerbefore，butnowIhavesettleddowninit。
　　Myroomisawretched，horridoneintheoutskirtsofthetown。
　　Myservantisanoldcountry-woman，ill-naturedfromstupidity，and，moreover，thereisalwaysanastysmellabouther。IamtoldthatthePetersburgclimateisbadforme，andthatwithmysmallmeansitisveryexpensivetoliveinPetersburg。Iknowallthatbetterthanallthesesageandexperiencedcounsellorsandmonitors……ButIamremaininginPetersburg;IamnotgoingawayfromPetersburg！Iamnotgoingawaybecause……ech！
　　Why，itisabsolutelynomatterwhetherIamgoingawayornotgoingaway。
　　Butwhatcanadecentmanspeakofwithmostpleasure？
　　Answer：Ofhimself。
　　Well，soIwilltalkaboutmyself。
　　II
　　Iwantnowtotellyou，gentlemen，whetheryoucaretohearitornot，whyIcouldnotevenbecomeaninsect。Itellyousolemnly，thatIhavemanytimestriedtobecomeaninsect。ButIwasnotequaleventothat。Iswear，gentlemen，thattobetooconsciousisanillness——arealthorough-goingillness。Forman’severydayneeds，itwouldhavebeenquiteenoughtohavetheordinaryhumanconsciousness，thatis，halforaquarteroftheamountwhichfallstothelotofacultivatedmanofourunhappynineteenthcentury，especiallyonewhohasthefatalill-lucktoinhabitPetersburg，themosttheoreticalandintentionaltownonthewholeterrestrialglobe。（Thereareintentionalandunintentionaltowns。）Itwouldhavebeenquiteenough，forinstance，tohavetheconsciousnessbywhichallso-calleddirectpersonsandmenofactionlive。IbetyouthinkIamwritingallthisfromaffectation，tobewittyattheexpenseofmenofaction;andwhatismore，thatfromill-bredaffectation，Iamclankingaswordlikemyofficer。But，gentlemen，whoevercanpridehimselfonhisdiseasesandevenswaggeroverthem？
　　Though，afterall，everyonedoesdothat;peopledopridethemselvesontheirdiseases，andIdo，maybe，morethananyone。
　　Wewillnotdisputeit;mycontentionwasabsurd。ButyetIamfirmlypersuadedthatagreatdealofconsciousness，everysortofconsciousness，infact，isadisease。Isticktothat。Letusleavethat，too，foraminute。Tellmethis：whydoesithappenthatatthevery，yes，attheverymomentswhenIammostcapableoffeelingeveryrefinementofallthatis"sublimeandbeautiful，"astheyusedtosayatonetime，itwould，asthoughofdesign，happentomenotonlytofeelbuttodosuchuglythings，suchthat……Well，inshort，actionsthatall，perhaps，commit;butwhich，asthoughpurposely，occurredtomeattheverytimewhenIwasmostconsciousthattheyoughtnottobecommitted。ThemoreconsciousIwasofgoodnessandofallthatwas"sublimeandbeautiful，"themoredeeplyIsankintomymireandthemorereadyIwastosinkinitaltogether。Butthechiefpointwasthatallthiswas，asitwere，notaccidentalinme，butasthoughitwereboundtobeso。Itwasasthoughitweremymostnormalcondition，andnotintheleastdiseaseordepravity，sothatatlastalldesireinmetostruggleagainstthisdepravitypassed。Itendedbymyalmostbelieving（perhapsactuallybelieving）thatthiswasperhapsmynormalcondition。
　　Butatfirst，inthebeginning，whatagoniesIenduredinthatstruggle！Ididnotbelieveitwasthesamewithotherpeople，andallmylifeIhidthisfactaboutmyselfasasecret。Iwasashamed（evennow，perhaps，Iamashamed）：Igottothepointoffeelingasortofsecretabnormal，despicableenjoymentinreturninghometomycorneronsomedisgustingPetersburgnight，acutelyconsciousthatthatdayIhadcommittedaloathsomeactionagain，thatwhatwasdonecouldneverbeundone，andsecretly，inwardlygnawing，gnawingatmyselfforit，tearingandconsumingmyselftillatlastthebitternessturnedintoasortofshamefulaccursedsweetness，andatlast——intopositiverealenjoyment！Yes，intoenjoyment，intoenjoyment！Iinsistuponthat。IhavespokenofthisbecauseIkeepwantingtoknowforafactwhetherotherpeoplefeelsuchenjoyment？Iwillexplain;
　　theenjoymentwasjustfromthetoointenseconsciousnessofone’sowndegradation;itwasfromfeelingoneselfthatonehadreachedthelastbarrier，thatitwashorrible，butthatitcouldnotbeotherwise;thattherewasnoescapeforyou;thatyounevercouldbecomeadifferentman;thateveniftimeandfaithwerestillleftyoutochangeintosomethingdifferentyouwouldmostlikelynotwishtochange;orifyoudidwishto，eventhenyouwoulddonothing;becauseperhapsinrealitytherewasnothingforyoutochangeinto。Andtheworstofitwas，andtherootofitall，thatitwasallinaccordwiththenormalfundamentallawsofover-acuteconsciousness，andwiththeinertiathatwasthedirectresultofthoselaws，andthatconsequentlyonewasnotonlyunabletochangebutcoulddoabsolutelynothing。Thusitwouldfollow，astheresultofacuteconsciousness，thatoneisnottoblameinbeingascoundrel;asthoughthatwereanyconsolationtothescoundreloncehehascometorealisethatheactuallyisascoundrel。Butenough……
　　Ech，Ihavetalkedalotofnonsense，butwhathaveIexplained？
　　Howisenjoymentinthistobeexplained？ButIwillexplainit。
　　Iwillgettothebottomofit！ThatiswhyIhavetakenupmypen……
　　I，forinstance，haveagreatdealofamourpropre。Iamassuspiciousandpronetotakeoffenceasahumpbackoradwarf。
　　ButuponmywordIsometimeshavehadmomentswhenifIhadhappenedtobeslappedinthefaceIshould，perhaps，havebeenpositivelygladofit。Isay，inearnest，thatIshouldprobablyhavebeenabletodiscovereveninthatapeculiarsortofenjoyment——theenjoyment，ofcourse，ofdespair;butindespairtherearethemostintenseenjoyments，especiallywhenoneisveryacutelyconsciousofthehopelessnessofone’sposition。
　　Andwhenoneisslappedintheface——whythentheconsciousnessofbeingrubbedintoapulpwouldpositivelyoverwhelmone。Theworstofitis，lookatitwhichwayonewill，itstillturnsoutthatIwasalwaysthemosttoblameineverything。Andwhatismosthumiliatingofall，toblamefornofaultofmyownbut，sotosay，throughthelawsofnature。Inthefirstplace，toblamebecauseIamclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme。（I
　　havealwaysconsideredmyselfclevererthananyofthepeoplesurroundingme，andsometimes，wouldyoubelieveit，havebeenpositivelyashamedofit。Atanyrate，Ihaveallmylife，asitwere，turnedmyeyesawayandnevercouldlookpeoplestraightintheface。）Toblame，finally，becauseevenifIhadhadmagnanimity，Ishouldonlyhavehadmoresufferingfromthesenseofitsuselessness。Ishouldcertainlyhaveneverbeenabletodoanythingfrombeingmagnanimous——neithertoforgive，formyassailantwouldperhapshaveslappedmefromthelawsofnature，andonecannotforgivethelawsofnature;nortoforget，forevenifitwereowingtothelawsofnature，itisinsultingallthesame。Finally，evenifIhadwantedtobeanythingbutmagnanimous，haddesiredonthecontrarytorevengemyselfonmyassailant，IcouldnothaverevengedmyselfonanyoneforanythingbecauseIshouldcertainlyneverhavemadeupmymindtodoanything，evenifIhadbeenableto。WhyshouldInothavemadeupmymind？AboutthatinparticularIwanttosayafewwords。
　　III
　　Withpeoplewhoknowhowtorevengethemselvesandtostandupforthemselvesingeneral，howisitdone？Why，whentheyarepossessed，letussuppose，bythefeelingofrevenge，thenforthetimethereisnothingelsebutthatfeelingleftintheirwholebeing。Suchagentlemansimplydashesstraightforhisobjectlikeaninfuriatedbullwithitshornsdown，andnothingbutawallwillstophim。（Bytheway：facingthewall，suchgentlemen——thatis，the"direct"personsandmenofaction——aregenuinelynonplussed。Forthemawallisnotanevasion，asforuspeoplewhothinkandconsequentlydonothing;itisnotanexcuseforturningaside，anexcuseforwhichwearealwaysveryglad，thoughwescarcelybelieveinitourselves，asarule。No，theyarenonplussedinallsincerity。Thewallhasforthemsomethingtranquillising，morallysoothing，final，maybeevensomethingmysterious……butofthewalllater。）Well，suchadirectpersonIregardastherealnormalman，ashistendermothernaturewishedtoseehimwhenshegraciouslybroughthimintobeingontheearth。IenvysuchamantillIamgreenintheface。Heisstupid。Iamnotdisputingthat，butperhapsthenormalmanshouldbestupid，howdoyouknow？Perhapsitisverybeautiful，infact。AndIamthemorepersuadedofthatsuspicion，ifonecancallitso，bythefactthatifyoutake，forinstance，theantithesisofthenormalman，thatis，themanofacuteconsciousness，whohascome，ofcourse，notoutofthelapofnaturebutoutofaretort（thisisalmostmysticism，gentlemen，butIsuspectthis，too），thisretort-mademanissometimessononplussedinthepresenceofhisantithesisthatwithallhisexaggeratedconsciousnesshegenuinelythinksofhimselfasamouseandnotaman。Itmaybeanacutelyconsciousmouse，yetitisamouse，whiletheotherisaman，andtherefore，etcaetera，etcaetera。Andtheworstofitis，hehimself，hisveryownself，looksonhimselfasamouse;nooneaskshimtodoso;andthatisanimportantpoint。
　　Nowletuslookatthismouseinaction。Letussuppose，forinstance，thatitfeelsinsulted，too（anditalmostalwaysdoesfeelinsulted），andwantstorevengeitself，too。Theremayevenbeagreateraccumulationofspiteinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelaverite。Thebaseandnastydesiretoventthatspiteonitsassailantranklesperhapsevenmorenastilyinitthaninl’hommedelanatureetdelaverite。Forthroughhisinnatestupiditythelatterlooksuponhisrevengeasjusticepureandsimple;whileinconsequenceofhisacuteconsciousnessthemousedoesnotbelieveinthejusticeofit。Tocomeatlasttothedeeditself，totheveryactofrevenge。Apartfromtheonefundamentalnastinessthelucklessmousesucceedsincreatingarounditsomanyothernastinessesintheformofdoubtsandquestions，addstotheonequestionsomanyunsettledquestionsthatthereinevitablyworksuparounditasortoffatalbrew，astinkingmess，madeupofitsdoubts，emotions，andofthecontemptspatuponitbythedirectmenofactionwhostandsolemnlyaboutitasjudgesandarbitrators，laughingatittilltheirhealthysidesache。Ofcoursetheonlythingleftforitistodismissallthatwithawaveofitspaw，and，withasmileofassumedcontemptinwhichitdoesnotevenitselfbelieve，creepignominiouslyintoitsmouse-hole。Thereinitsnasty，stinking，undergroundhomeourinsulted，crushedandridiculedmousepromptlybecomesabsorbedincold，malignantand，aboveall，everlastingspite。Forfortyyearstogetheritwillrememberitsinjurydowntothesmallest，mostignominiousdetails，andeverytimewilladd，ofitself，detailsstillmoreignominious，spitefullyteasingandtormentingitselfwithitsownimagination。Itwillitselfbeashamedofitsimaginings，butyetitwillrecallitall，itwillgooverandovereverydetail，itwillinventunheardofthingsagainstitself，pretendingthatthosethingsmighthappen，andwillforgivenothing。Maybeitwillbegintorevengeitself，too，but，asitwere，piecemeal，intrivialways，frombehindthestove，incognito，withoutbelievingeitherinitsownrighttovengeance，orinthesuccessofitsrevenge，knowingthatfromallitseffortsatrevengeitwillsufferahundredtimesmorethanheonwhomitrevengesitself，whilehe，Idaresay，willnotevenscratchhimself。Onitsdeathbeditwillrecallitalloveragain，withinterestaccumulatedoveralltheyearsand……Butitisjustinthatcold，abominablehalfdespair，halfbelief，inthatconsciousburyingoneselfaliveforgriefintheunderworldforfortyyears，inthatacutelyrecognisedandyetpartlydoubtfulhopelessnessofone’sposition，inthathellofunsatisfieddesiresturnedinward，inthatfeverofoscillations，ofresolutionsdeterminedforeverandrepentedofagainaminutelater——thatthesavourofthatstrangeenjoymentofwhichIhavespokenlies。Itissosubtle，sodifficultofanalysis，thatpersonswhoarealittlelimited，orevensimplypersonsofstrongnerves，willnotunderstandasingleatomofit。
　　"Possibly，"youwilladdonyourownaccountwithagrin，"peoplewillnotunderstanditeitherwhohaveneverreceivedaslapintheface，"andinthatwayyouwillpolitelyhinttomethatI，too，perhaps，havehadtheexperienceofaslapinthefaceinmylife，andsoIspeakasonewhoknows。Ibetthatyouarethinkingthat。Butsetyourmindsatrest，gentlemen，Ihavenotreceivedaslapintheface，thoughitisabsolutelyamatterofindifferencetomewhatyoumaythinkaboutit。Possibly，Ievenregret，myself，thatIhavegivensofewslapsinthefaceduringmylife。Butenough……notanotherwordonthatsubjectofsuchextremeinteresttoyou。
　　Iwillcontinuecalmlyconcerningpersonswithstrongnerveswhodonotunderstandacertainrefinementofenjoyment。Thoughincertaincircumstancesthesegentlemenbellowtheirloudestlikebulls，thoughthis，letussuppose，doesthemthegreatestcredit，yet，asIhavesaidalready，confrontedwiththeimpossibletheysubsideatonce。Theimpossiblemeansthestonewall！Whatstonewall？Why，ofcourse，thelawsofnature，thedeductionsofnaturalscience，mathematics。Assoonastheyprovetoyou，forinstance，thatyouaredescendedfromamonkey，thenitisnousescowling，acceptitforafact。Whentheyprovetoyouthatinrealityonedropofyourownfatmustbedearertoyouthanahundredthousandofyourfellow-creatures，andthatthisconclusionisthefinalsolutionofallso-calledvirtuesanddutiesandallsuchprejudicesandfancies，thenyouhavejusttoacceptit，thereisnohelpforit，fortwicetwoisalawofmathematics。Justtryrefutingit。
　　"Uponmyword，"theywillshoutatyou，"itisnouseprotesting：
　　itisacaseoftwicetwomakesfour！Naturedoesnotaskyourpermission，shehasnothingtodowithyourwishes，andwhetheryoulikeherlawsordislikethem，youareboundtoacceptherassheis，andconsequentlyallherconclusions。Awall，yousee，isawall……andsoon，andsoon。"MercifulHeavens！butwhatdoIcareforthelawsofnatureandarithmetic，when，forsomereasonIdislikethoselawsandthefactthattwicetwomakesfour？OfcourseIcannotbreakthroughthewallbybatteringmyheadagainstitifIreallyhavenotthestrengthtoknockitdown，butIamnotgoingtobereconciledtoitsimplybecauseitisastonewallandIhavenotthestrength。
　　Asthoughsuchastonewallreallywereaconsolation，andreallydidcontainsomewordofconciliation，simplybecauseitisastrueastwicetwomakesfour。Oh，absurdityofabsurdities！Howmuchbetteritistounderstanditall，torecogniseitall，alltheimpossibilitiesandthestonewall;nottobereconciledtooneofthoseimpossibilitiesandstonewallsifitdisgustsyoutobereconciledtoit;bythewayofthemostinevitable，logicalcombinationstoreachthemostrevoltingconclusionsontheeverlastingtheme，thatevenforthestonewallyouareyourselfsomehowtoblame，thoughagainitisasclearasdayyouarenottoblameintheleast，andthereforegrindingyourteethinsilentimpotencetosinkintoluxuriousinertia，broodingonthefactthatthereisnooneevenforyoutofeelvindictiveagainst，thatyouhavenot，andperhapsneverwillhave，anobjectforyourspite，thatitisasleightofhand，abitofjuggling，acard-sharper’strick，thatitissimplyamess，noknowingwhatandnoknowingwho，butinspiteofalltheseuncertaintiesandjugglings，stillthereisanacheinyou，andthemoreyoudonotknow，theworsetheache。
　　IV
　　"Ha，ha，ha！Youwillbefindingenjoymentintoothachenext，"
　　youcry，withalaugh。
　　"Well，evenintoothachethereisenjoyment，"Ianswer。IhadtoothacheforawholemonthandIknowthereis。Inthatcase，ofcourse，peoplearenotspitefulinsilence，butmoan;buttheyarenotcandidmoans，theyaremalignantmoans，andthemalignancyisthewholepoint。Theenjoymentofthesuffererfindsexpressioninthosemoans;ifhedidnotfeelenjoymentinthemhewouldnotmoan。Itisagoodexample，gentlemen，andI
　　willdevelopit。Thosemoansexpressinthefirstplacealltheaimlessnessofyourpain，whichissohumiliatingtoyourconsciousness;thewholelegalsystemofnatureonwhichyouspitdisdainfully，ofcourse，butfromwhichyousufferallthesamewhileshedoesnot。Theyexpresstheconsciousnessthatyouhavenoenemytopunish，butthatyouhavepain;theconsciousnessthatinspiteofallpossibleWagenheimsyouareincompleteslaverytoyourteeth;thatifsomeonewishesit，yourteethwillleaveoffaching，andifhedoesnot，theywillgoonachinganotherthreemonths;andthatfinallyifyouarestillcontumaciousandstillprotest，allthatisleftyouforyourowngratificationistothrashyourselforbeatyourwallwithyourfistashardasyoucan，andabsolutelynothingmore。Well，thesemortalinsults，thesejeersonthepartofsomeoneunknown，endatlastinanenjoymentwhichsometimesreachesthehighestdegreeofvoluptuousness。Iaskyou，gentlemen，listensometimestothemoansofaneducatedmanofthenineteenthcenturysufferingfromtoothache，onthesecondorthirddayoftheattack，whenheisbeginningtomoan，notashemoanedonthefirstday，thatis，notsimplybecausehehastoothache，notjustasanycoarsepeasant，butasamanaffectedbyprogressandEuropeancivilisation，amanwhois"divorcedfromthesoilandthenationalelements，"astheyexpressitnow-a-days。Hismoansbecomenasty，disgustinglymalignant，andgoonforwholedaysandnights。Andofcourseheknowshimselfthatheisdoinghimselfnosortofgoodwithhismoans;heknowsbetterthananyonethatheisonlylaceratingandharassinghimselfandothersfornothing;heknowsthateventheaudiencebeforewhomheismakinghisefforts，andhiswholefamily，listentohimwithloathing，donotputaha’porthoffaithinhim，andinwardlyunderstandthathemightmoandifferently，moresimply，withouttrillsandflourishes，andthatheisonlyamusinghimselflikethatfromill-humour，frommalignancy。Well，inalltheserecognitionsanddisgracesitisthatthereliesavoluptuouspleasure。Asthoughhewouldsay："Iamworryingyou，Iamlaceratingyourhearts，Iamkeepingeveryoneinthehouseawake。Well，stayawakethen，you，too，feeleveryminutethatI
　　havetoothache。Iamnotaherotoyounow，asItriedtoseembefore，butsimplyanastyperson，animpostor。Well，sobeit，then！Iamverygladthatyouseethroughme。Itisnastyforyoutohearmydespicablemoans：well，letitbenasty;hereI
　　willletyouhaveanastierflourishinaminute……"Youdonotunderstandevennow，gentlemen？No，itseemsourdevelopmentandourconsciousnessmustgofurthertounderstandalltheintricaciesofthispleasure。Youlaugh？Delighted。Myjests，gentlemen，areofcourseinbadtaste，jerky，involved，lackingself-confidence。ButofcoursethatisbecauseIdonotrespectmyself。Canamanofperceptionrespecthimselfatall？
　　V
　　Come，canamanwhoattemptstofindenjoymentintheveryfeelingofhisowndegradationpossiblyhaveasparkofrespectforhimself？Iamnotsayingthisnowfromanymawkishkindofremorse。And，indeed，Icouldneverenduresaying，"Forgiveme，Papa，Iwon’tdoitagain，"notbecauseIamincapableofsayingthat——onthecontrary，perhapsjustbecauseIhavebeentoocapableofit，andinwhataway，too。AsthoughofdesignI
　　usedtogetintotroubleincaseswhenIwasnottoblameinanyway。Thatwasthenastiestpartofit。AtthesametimeIwasgenuinelytouchedandpenitent，Iusedtoshedtearsand，ofcourse，deceivedmyself，thoughIwasnotactingintheleastandtherewasasickfeelinginmyheartatthetime……Forthatonecouldnotblameeventhelawsofnature，thoughthelawsofnaturehavecontinuallyallmylifeoffendedmemorethananything。Itisloathsometorememberitall，butitwasloathsomeeventhen。Ofcourse，aminuteorsolaterIwouldrealisewrathfullythatitwasallalie，arevoltinglie，anaffectedlie，thatis，allthispenitence，thisemotion，thesevowsofreform。YouwillaskwhydidIworrymyselfwithsuchantics：answer，becauseitwasverydulltositwithone’shandsfolded，andsoonebegancuttingcapers。Thatisreallyit。
　　Observeyourselvesmorecarefully，gentlemen，thenyouwillunderstandthatitisso。Iinventedadventuresformyselfandmadeupalife，soasatleasttoliveinsomeway。Howmanytimesithashappenedtome——well，forinstance，totakeoffencesimplyonpurpose，fornothing;andoneknowsoneself，ofcourse，thatoneisoffendedatnothing;thatoneisputtingiton，butyetonebringsoneselfatlasttothepointofbeingreallyoffended。AllmylifeIhavehadanimpulsetoplaysuchpranks，sothatintheendIcouldnotcontrolitinmyself。Anothertime，twice，infact，Itriedhardtobeinlove。Isuffered，too，gentlemen，Iassureyou。Inthedepthofmyhearttherewasnofaithinmysuffering，onlyafaintstirofmockery，butyetI
　　didsuffer，andinthereal，orthodoxway;Iwasjealous，besidemyself……anditwasallfromennui，gentlemen，allfromennui;
　　inertiaovercameme。Youknowthedirect，legitimatefruitofconsciousnessisinertia，thatis，conscioussitting-with-the-hands-folded。Ihavereferredtothisalready。
　　Irepeat，Irepeatwithemphasis：all"direct"personsandmenofactionareactivejustbecausetheyarestupidandlimited。Howexplainthat？Iwilltellyou：inconsequenceoftheirlimitationtheytakeimmediateandsecondarycausesforprimaryones，andinthatwaypersuadethemselvesmorequicklyandeasilythanotherpeopledothattheyhavefoundaninfalliblefoundationfortheiractivity，andtheirmindsareateaseandyouknowthatisthechiefthing。Tobegintoact，youknow，youmustfirsthaveyourmindcompletelyateaseandnotraceofdoubtleftinit。Why，howamI，forexampletosetmymindatrest？WherearetheprimarycausesonwhichIamtobuild？
　　Wherearemyfoundations？WhereamItogetthemfrom？I
　　exercisemyselfinreflection，andconsequentlywithmeeveryprimarycauseatoncedrawsafteritselfanotherstillmoreprimary，andsoontoinfinity。Thatisjusttheessenceofeverysortofconsciousnessandreflection。Itmustbeacaseofthelawsofnatureagain。Whatistheresultofitintheend？
　　Why，justthesame。RememberIspokejustnowofvengeance。（I
　　amsureyoudidnottakeitin。）Isaidthatamanrevengeshimselfbecauseheseesjusticeinit。Thereforehehasfoundaprimarycause，thatis，justice。Andsoheisatrestonallsides，andconsequentlyhecarriesouthisrevengecalmlyandsuccessfully，beingpersuadedthatheisdoingajustandhonestthing。ButIseenojusticeinit，Ifindnosortofvirtueiniteither，andconsequentlyifIattempttorevengemyself，itisonlyoutofspite。Spite，ofcourse，mightovercomeeverything，allmydoubts，andsomightservequitesuccessfullyinplaceofaprimarycause，preciselybecauseitisnotacause。ButwhatistobedoneifIhavenotevenspite（Ibeganwiththatjustnow，youknow）。Inconsequenceagainofthoseaccursedlawsofconsciousness，angerinmeissubjecttochemicaldisintegration。
　　Youlookintoit，theobjectfliesoffintoair，yourreasonsevaporate，thecriminalisnottobefound，thewrongbecomesnotawrongbutaphantom，somethinglikethetoothache，forwhichnooneistoblame，andconsequentlythereisonlythesameoutletleftagain——thatis，tobeatthewallashardasyoucan。Soyougiveitupwithawaveofthehandbecauseyouhavenotfoundafundamentalcause。Andtrylettingyourselfbecarriedawaybyyourfeelings，blindly，withoutreflection，withoutaprimarycause，repellingconsciousnessatleastforatime;hateorlove，ifonlynottositwithyourhandsfolded。Thedayaftertomorrow，atthelatest，youwillbegindespisingyourselfforhavingknowinglydeceivedyourself。Result：asoap-bubbleandinertia。Oh，gentlemen，doyouknow，perhapsIconsidermyselfanintelligentman，onlybecauseallmylifeIhavebeenableneithertobeginnortofinishanything。GrantedIamababbler，aharmlessvexatiousbabbler，likeallofus。Butwhatistobedoneifthedirectandsolevocationofeveryintelligentmanisbabble，thatis，theintentionalpouringofwaterthroughasieve？
　　VI
　　Oh，ifIhaddonenothingsimplyfromlaziness！Heavens，howI
　　shouldhaverespectedmyself，then。IshouldhaverespectedmyselfbecauseIshouldatleasthavebeencapableofbeinglazy;
　　therewouldatleasthavebeenonequality，asitwere，positiveinme，inwhichIcouldhavebelievedmyself。Question：Whatishe？Answer：Asluggard;howverypleasantitwouldhavebeentohearthatofoneself！ItwouldmeanthatIwaspositivelydefined，itwouldmeanthattherewassomethingtosayaboutme。
　　"Sluggard"——why，itisacallingandvocation，itisacareer。
　　Donotjest，itisso。Ishouldthenbeamemberofthebestclubbyright，andshouldfindmyoccupationincontinuallyrespectingmyself。IknewagentlemanwhopridedhimselfallhislifeonbeingaconnoisseurofLafitte。Heconsideredthisashispositivevirtue，andneverdoubtedhimself。Hedied，notsimplywithatranquil，butwithatriumphantconscience，andhewasquiteright，too。ThenIshouldhavechosenacareerformyself，Ishouldhavebeenasluggardandaglutton，notasimpleone，but，forinstance，onewithsympathiesforeverythingsublimeandbeautiful。Howdoyoulikethat？Ihavelonghadvisionsofit。That"sublimeandbeautiful"weighsheavilyonmymindatfortyButthatisatforty;then——oh，thenitwouldhavebeendifferent！Ishouldhavefoundformyselfaformofactivityinkeepingwithit，tobeprecise，drinkingtothehealthofeverything"sublimeandbeautiful。"Ishouldhavesnatchedateveryopportunitytodropatearintomyglassandthentodrainittoallthatis"sublimeandbeautiful。"Ishouldthenhaveturnedeverythingintothesublimeandthebeautiful;
　　inthenastiest，unquestionabletrash，Ishouldhavesoughtoutthesublimeandthebeautiful。Ishouldhaveexudedtearslikeawetsponge。Anartist，forinstance，paintsapictureworthyofGay。AtonceIdrinktothehealthoftheartistwhopaintedthepictureworthyofGay，becauseIloveallthatis"sublimeandbeautiful。"Anauthorhaswritten"Asyouwill";atonceIdrinktothehealthof"anyoneyouwill"becauseIloveallthatis"sublimeandbeautiful。"Ishouldclaimrespectfordoingso。I
　　shouldpersecuteanyonewhowouldnotshowmerespect。Ishouldliveatease，Ishoulddiewithdignity，why，itischarming，perfectlycharming！AndwhatagoodroundbellyIshouldhavegrown，whatatreblechinIshouldhaveestablished，whatarubynoseIshouldhavecolouredformyself，sothateveryonewouldhavesaid，lookingatme："Hereisanasset！Hereissomethingrealandsolid！"And，saywhatyoulike，itisveryagreeabletohearsuchremarksaboutoneselfinthisnegativeage。
　　VII
　　Buttheseareallgoldendreams。Oh，tellme，whowasitfirstannounced，whowasitfirstproclaimed，thatmanonlydoesnastythingsbecausehedoesnotknowhisowninterests;andthatifhewereenlightened，ifhiseyeswereopenedtohisrealnormalinterests，manwouldatonceceasetodonastythings，wouldatoncebecomegoodandnoblebecause，beingenlightenedandunderstandinghisrealadvantage，hewouldseehisownadvantageinthegoodandnothingelse，andweallknowthatnotonemancan，consciously，actagainsthisowninterests，consequently，sotosay，throughnecessity，hewouldbegindoinggood？Oh，thebabe！Oh，thepure，innocentchild！Why，inthefirstplace，wheninallthesethousandsofyearshastherebeenatimewhenmanhasactedonlyfromhisowninterest？Whatistobedonewiththemillionsoffactsthatbearwitnessthatmen，_consciously_，thatisfullyunderstandingtheirrealinterests，havelefttheminthebackgroundandhaverushedheadlongonanotherpath，tomeetperilanddanger，compelledtothiscoursebynobodyandbynothing，but，asitwere，simplydislikingthebeatentrack，andhaveobstinately，wilfully，struckoutanotherdifficult，absurdway，seekingitalmostinthedarkness。So，I
　　suppose，thisobstinacyandperversitywerepleasantertothemthananyadvantage……Advantage！Whatisadvantage？Andwillyoutakeituponyourselftodefinewithperfectaccuracyinwhattheadvantageofmanconsists？Andwhatifitsohappensthataman’sadvantage，_sometimes_，notonlymay，butevenmust，consistinhisdesiringincertaincaseswhatisharmfultohimselfandnotadvantageous。Andifso，iftherecanbesuchacase，thewholeprinciplefallsintodust。Whatdoyouthink——aretheresuchcases？Youlaugh;laughaway，gentlemen，butonlyanswerme：haveman’sadvantagesbeenreckonedupwithperfectcertainty？Aretherenotsomewhichnotonlyhavenotbeenincludedbutcannotpossiblybeincludedunderanyclassification？Yousee，yougentlemenhave，tothebestofmyknowledge，takenyourwholeregisterofhumanadvantagesfromtheaveragesofstatisticalfiguresandpolitico-economicalformulas。
　　Youradvantagesareprosperity，wealth，freedom，peace——andsoon，andsoon。Sothatthemanwhoshould，forinstance，goopenlyandknowinglyinoppositiontoallthatlistwouldtoyourthinking，andindeedmine，too，ofcourse，beanobscurantistoranabsolutemadman：wouldnothe？But，youknow，thisiswhatissurprising：whydoesitsohappenthatallthesestatisticians，sagesandloversofhumanity，whentheyreckonuphumanadvantagesinvariablyleaveoutone？Theydon’teventakeitintotheirreckoningintheforminwhichitshouldbetaken，andthewholereckoningdependsuponthat。Itwouldbenogreatermatter，theywouldsimplyhavetotakeit，thisadvantage，andaddittothelist。Butthetroubleis，thatthisstrangeadvantagedoesnotfallunderanyclassificationandisnotinplaceinanylist。Ihaveafriendforinstance……Ech！
　　gentlemen，butofcourseheisyourfriend，too;andindeedthereisnoone，noonetowhomheisnotafriend！Whenhepreparesforanyundertakingthisgentlemanimmediatelyexplainstoyou，elegantlyandclearly，exactlyhowhemustactinaccordancewiththelawsofreasonandtruth。Whatismore，hewilltalktoyouwithexcitementandpassionofthetruenormalinterestsofman;
　　withironyhewillupbraidtheshort-sightedfoolswhodonotunderstandtheirowninterests，northetruesignificanceofvirtue;and，withinaquarterofanhour，withoutanysuddenoutsideprovocation，butsimplythroughsomethinginsidehimwhichisstrongerthanallhisinterests，hewillgooffonquiteadifferenttack——thatis，actindirectoppositiontowhathehasjustbeensayingabouthimself，inoppositiontothelawsofreason，inoppositiontohisownadvantage，infactinoppositiontoeverything……Iwarnyouthatmyfriendisacompoundpersonalityandthereforeitisdifficulttoblamehimasanindividual。Thefactis，gentlemen，itseemstheremustreallyexistsomethingthatisdearertoalmosteverymanthanhisgreatestadvantages，or（nottobeillogical）thereisamostadvantageousadvantage（theveryoneomittedofwhichwespokejustnow）whichismoreimportantandmoreadvantageousthanallotheradvantages，forthesakeofwhichamanifnecessaryisreadytoactinoppositiontoalllaws;thatis，inoppositiontoreason，honour，peace，prosperity——infact，inoppositiontoallthoseexcellentandusefulthingsifonlyhecanattainthatfundamental，mostadvantageousadvantagewhichisdearertohimthanall。"Yes，butit’sadvantageallthesame，"youwillretort。Butexcuseme，I’llmakethepointclear，anditisnotacaseofplayinguponwords。Whatmattersis，thatthisadvantageisremarkablefromtheveryfactthatitbreaksdownallourclassifications，andcontinuallyshatterseverysystemconstructedbyloversofmankindforthebenefitofmankind。Infact，itupsetseverything。ButbeforeImentionthisadvantagetoyou，Iwanttocompromisemyselfpersonally，andthereforeI
　　boldlydeclarethatallthesefinesystems，allthesetheoriesforexplainingtomankindtheirrealnormalinterests，inorderthatinevitablystrivingtopursuetheseintereststheymayatoncebecomegoodandnoble——are，inmyopinion，sofar，merelogicalexercises！Yes，logicalexercises。Why，tomaintainthistheoryoftheregenerationofmankindbymeansofthepursuitofhisownadvantageistomymindalmostthesamething……astoaffirm，forinstance，followingBuckle，thatthroughcivilisationmankindbecomessofter，andconsequentlylessbloodthirstyandlessfittedforwarfare。Logicallyitdoesseemtofollowfromhisarguments。Butmanhassuchapredilectionforsystemsandabstractdeductionsthatheisreadytodistortthetruthintentionally，heisreadytodenytheevidenceofhissensesonlytojustifyhislogic。Itakethisexamplebecauseitisthemostglaringinstanceofit。Onlylookaboutyou：bloodisbeingspiltinstreams，andinthemerriestway，asthoughitwerechampagne。TakethewholeofthenineteenthcenturyinwhichBucklelived。TakeNapoleon——theGreatandalsothepresentone。TakeNorthAmerica——theeternalunion。TakethefarceofSchleswig-Holstein……Andwhatisitthatcivilisationsoftensinus？Theonlygainofcivilisationformankindisthegreatercapacityforvarietyofsensations——andabsolutelynothingmore。Andthroughthedevelopmentofthismany-
　　sidednessmanmaycometofindingenjoymentinbloodshed。Infact，thishasalreadyhappenedtohim。Haveyounoticedthatitisthemostcivilisedgentlemenwhohavebeenthesubtlestslaughterers，towhomtheAttilasandStenkaRazinscouldnotholdacandle，andiftheyarenotsoconspicuousastheAttilasandStenkaRazinsitissimplybecausetheyaresooftenmetwith，aresoordinaryandhavebecomesofamiliartous。Inanycasecivilisationhasmademankindifnotmoreblood-thirsty，atleastmorevilely，moreloathsomelybloodthirsty。Inolddayshesawjusticeinbloodshedandwithhisconscienceatpeaceexterminatedthosehethoughtproper。Nowwedothinkbloodshedabominableandyetweengageinthisabomination，andwithmoreenergythanever。Whichisworse？Decidethatforyourselves。
　　TheysaythatCleopatra（excuseaninstancefromRomanhistory）
　　wasfondofstickinggoldpinsintoherslave-girls’breastsandderivedgratificationfromtheirscreamsandwrithings。Youwillsaythatthatwasinthecomparativelybarbaroustimes;thatthesearebarbaroustimestoo，becausealso，comparativelyspeaking，pinsarestuckinevennow;thatthoughmanhasnowlearnedtoseemoreclearlythaninbarbarousages，heisstillfarfromhavinglearnttoactasreasonandsciencewoulddictate。Butyetyouarefullyconvincedthathewillbesuretolearnwhenhegetsridofcertainoldbadhabits，andwhencommonsenseandsciencehavecompletelyre-educatedhumannatureandturneditinanormaldirection。Youareconfidentthatthenmanwillceasefrom_intentional_errorandwill，sotosay，becompellednottowanttosethiswillagainsthisnormalinterests。Thatisnotall;then，yousay，scienceitselfwillteachman（thoughtomymindit’sasuperfluousluxury）thatheneverhasreallyhadanycapriceorwillofhisown，andthathehimselfissomethingofthenatureofapiano-keyorthestopofanorgan，andthatthereare，besides，thingscalledthelawsofnature;sothateverythinghedoesisnotdonebyhiswillingit，butisdoneofitself，bythelawsofnature。Consequentlywehaveonlytodiscovertheselawsofnature，andmanwillnolongerhavetoanswerforhisactionsandlifewillbecomeexceedinglyeasyforhim。Allhumanactionswillthen，ofcourse，betabulatedaccordingtotheselaws，mathematically，liketablesoflogarithmsupto108，000，andenteredinanindex;
　　or，betterstill，therewouldbepublishedcertainedifyingworksofthenatureofencyclopaediclexicons，inwhicheverythingwillbesoclearlycalculatedandexplainedthattherewillbenomoreincidentsoradventuresintheworld。
　　Then——thisisallwhatyousay——neweconomicrelationswillbeestablished，allready-madeandworkedoutwithmathematicalexactitude，sothateverypossiblequestionwillvanishinthetwinklingofaneye，simplybecauseeverypossibleanswertoitwillbeprovided。Thenthe"PalaceofCrystal"willbebuilt。
　　Then……Infact，thosewillbehalcyondays。Ofcoursethereisnoguaranteeing（thisismycomment）thatitwillnotbe，forinstance，frightfullydullthen（forwhatwillonehavetodowheneverythingwillbecalculatedandtabulated），butontheotherhandeverythingwillbeextraordinarilyrational。Ofcourseboredommayleadyoutoanything。Itisboredomsetsonestickinggoldenpinsintopeople，butallthatwouldnotmatter。
　　Whatisbad（thisismycommentagain）isthatIdaresaypeoplewillbethankfulforthegoldpinsthen。Manisstupid，youknow，phenomenallystupid;orratherheisnotatallstupid，butheissoungratefulthatyoucouldnotfindanotherlikehiminallcreation。I，forinstance，wouldnotbeintheleastsurprisedifallofasudden，aproposofnothing，inthemidstofgeneralprosperityagentlemanwithanignoble，orratherwithareactionaryandironical，countenanceweretoariseand，puttinghisarmsakimbo，saytousall："Isay，gentleman，hadn’twebetterkickoverthewholeshowandscatterrationalismtothewinds，simplytosendtheselogarithmstothedevil，andtoenableustoliveoncemoreatourownsweetfoolishwill！"Thatagainwouldnotmatter，butwhatisannoyingisthathewouldbesuretofindfollowers——suchisthenatureofman。Andallthatforthemostfoolishreason，which，onewouldthink，washardlyworthmentioning：thatis，thatmaneverywhereandatalltimes，whoeverhemaybe，haspreferredtoactashechoseandnotintheleastashisreasonandadvantagedictated。Andonemaychoosewhatiscontrarytoone’sowninterests，andsometimesone_positivelyought_（thatismyidea）。One’sownfreeunfetteredchoice，one’sowncaprice，howeverwilditmaybe，one’sownfancyworkedupattimestofrenzy——isthatvery"mostadvantageousadvantage"whichwehaveoverlooked，whichcomesundernoclassificationandagainstwhichallsystemsandtheoriesarecontinuallybeingshatteredtoatoms。Andhowdothesewiseacresknowthatmanwantsanormal，avirtuouschoice？
　　Whathasmadethemconceivethatmanmustwantarationallyadvantageouschoice？Whatmanwantsissimply_independent_
　　choice，whateverthatindependencemaycostandwhereveritmaylead。Andchoice，ofcourse，thedevilonlyknowswhatchoice。
　　VIII
　　"Ha！ha！ha！Butyouknowthereisnosuchthingaschoiceinreality，saywhatyoulike，"youwillinterposewithachuckle。
　　"Sciencehassucceededinsofaranalysingmanthatweknowalreadythatchoiceandwhatiscalledfreedomofwillisnothingelsethan——"
　　Stay，gentlemen，ImeanttobeginwiththatmyselfIconfess，I
　　wasratherfrightened。Iwasjustgoingtosaythatthedevilonlyknowswhatchoicedependson，andthatperhapsthatwasaverygoodthing，butIrememberedtheteachingofscience……andpulledmyselfup。Andhereyouhavebegunuponit。Indeed，iftherereallyissomedaydiscoveredaformulaforallourdesiresandcaprices——thatis，anexplanationofwhattheydependupon，bywhatlawstheyarise，howtheydevelop，whattheyareaimingatinonecaseandinanotherandsoon，thatisarealmathematicalformula——then，mostlikely，manwillatonceceasetofeeldesire，indeed，hewillbecertainto。Forwhowouldwanttochoosebyrule？Besides，hewillatoncebetransformedfromahumanbeingintoanorgan-stoporsomethingofthesort;
　　forwhatisamanwithoutdesires，withoutfreewillandwithoutchoice，ifnotastopinanorgan？Whatdoyouthink？Letusreckonthechances——cansuchathinghappenornot？
　　"H’m！"youdecide。"Ourchoiceisusuallymistakenfromafalseviewofouradvantage。Wesometimeschooseabsolutenonsensebecauseinourfoolishnessweseeinthatnonsensetheeasiestmeansforattainingasupposedadvantage。Butwhenallthatisexplainedandworkedoutonpaper（whichisperfectlypossible，foritiscontemptibleandsenselesstosupposethatsomelawsofnaturemanwillneverunderstand），thencertainlyso-calleddesireswillnolongerexist。Forifadesireshouldcomeintoconflictwithreasonweshallthenreasonandnotdesire，becauseitwillbeimpossibleretainingourreasontobe_senseless_inourdesires，andinthatwayknowinglyactagainstreasonanddesiretoinjureourselves。Andasallchoiceandreasoningcanbereallycalculated——becausetherewillsomedaybediscoveredthelawsofourso-calledfreewill——so，jokingapart，theremayonedaybesomethinglikeatableconstructedofthem，sothatwereallyshallchooseinaccordancewithit。If，forinstance，somedaytheycalculateandprovetomethatImadealongnoseatsomeonebecauseIcouldnothelpmakingalongnoseathimandthatIhadtodoitinthatparticularway，what_freedom_isleftme，especiallyifIamalearnedmanandhavetakenmydegreesomewhere？ThenIshouldbeabletocalculatemywholelifeforthirtyyearsbeforehand。Inshort，ifthiscouldbearrangedtherewouldbenothingleftforustodo;anyway，weshouldhavetounderstandthat。And，infact，weoughtunwearyinglytorepeattoourselvesthatatsuchandsuchatimeandinsuchandsuchcircumstancesnaturedoesnotaskourleave;
　　thatwehavegottotakeherassheisandnotfashionhertosuitourfancy，andifwereallyaspiretoformulasandtablesofrules，andwell，even……tothechemicalretort，there’snohelpforit，wemustaccepttheretorttoo，orelseitwillbeacceptedwithoutourconsent……"
　　Yes，buthereIcometoastop！Gentlemen，youmustexcusemeforbeingover-philosophical;it’stheresultoffortyyearsunderground！Allowmetoindulgemyfancy。Yousee，gentlemen，reasonisanexcellentthing，there’snodisputingthat，butreasonisnothingbutreasonandsatisfiesonlytherationalsideofman’snature，whilewillisamanifestationofthewholelife，thatis，ofthewholehumanlifeincludingreasonandalltheimpulses。Andalthoughourlife，inthismanifestationofit，isoftenworthless，yetitislifeandnotsimplyextractingsquareroots。HereI，forinstance，quitenaturallywanttolive，inordertosatisfyallmycapacitiesforlife，andnotsimplymycapacityforreasoning，thatis，notsimplyonetwentiethofmycapacityforlife。Whatdoesreasonknow？Reasononlyknowswhatithassucceededinlearning（somethings，perhaps，itwillneverlearn;thisisapoorcomfort，butwhynotsaysofrankly？）
　　andhumannatureactsasawhole，witheverythingthatisinit，consciouslyorunconsciously，and，evenitifgoeswrong，itlives。Isuspect，gentlemen，thatyouarelookingatmewithcompassion;youtellmeagainthatanenlightenedanddevelopedman，such，inshort，asthefuturemanwillbe，cannotconsciouslydesireanythingdisadvantageoustohimself，thatthatcanbeprovedmathematically。Ithoroughlyagree，itcan——bymathematics。ButIrepeatforthehundredthtime，thereisonecase，oneonly，whenmanmayconsciously，purposely，desirewhatisinjurioustohimself，whatisstupid，verystupid——simplyinordertohavetherighttodesireforhimselfevenwhatisverystupidandnottobeboundbyanobligationtodesireonlywhatissensible。Ofcourse，thisverystupidthing，thiscapriceofours，maybeinreality，gentlemen，moreadvantageousforusthananythingelseonearth，especiallyincertaincases。Andinparticularitmaybemoreadvantageousthananyadvantageevenwhenitdoesusobviousharm，andcontradictsthesoundestconclusionsofourreasonconcerningouradvantage——forinanycircumstancesitpreservesforuswhatismostpreciousandmostimportant——thatis，ourpersonality，ourindividuality。Some，yousee，maintainthatthisreallyisthemostpreciousthingformankind;choicecan，ofcourse，ifitchooses，beinagreementwithreason;andespeciallyifthisbenotabusedbutkeptwithinbounds。Itisprofitableandsome-timesevenpraiseworthy。Butveryoften，andevenmostoften，choiceisutterlyandstubbornlyopposedtoreason……and……and……doyouknowthatthat，too，isprofitable，sometimesevenpraiseworthy？Gentlemen，letussupposethatmanisnotstupid。（Indeedonecannotrefusetosupposethat，ifonlyfromtheoneconsideration，that，ifmanisstupid，thenwhoiswise？）Butifheisnotstupid，heismonstrouslyungrateful！Phenomenallyungrateful。Infact，I
　　believethatthebestdefinitionofmanistheungratefulbiped。
　　Butthatisnotall，thatisnothisworstdefect;hisworstdefectishisperpetualmoralobliquity，perpetual——fromthedaysoftheFloodtotheSchleswig-Holsteinperiod。Moralobliquityandconsequentlylackofgoodsense;forithaslongbeenacceptedthatlackofgoodsenseisduetonoothercausethanmoralobliquity。Putittothetestandcastyoureyesuponthehistoryofmankind。Whatwillyousee？Isitagrandspectacle？
　　Grand，ifyoulike。TaketheColossusofRhodes，forinstance，that’sworthsomething。WithgoodreasonMr。Anaevskytestifiesofitthatsomesaythatitistheworkofman’shands，whileothersmaintainthatithasbeencreatedbynatureherself。Isitmany-coloured？Maybeitismany-coloured，too：ifonetakesthedressuniforms，militaryandcivilian，ofallpeoplesinallages——thataloneisworthsomething，andifyoutaketheundressuniformsyouwillnevergettotheendofit;nohistorianwouldbeequaltothejob。Isitmonotonous？Maybeit’smonotonoustoo：it’sfightingandfighting;theyarefightingnow，theyfoughtfirstandtheyfoughtlast——youwilladmit，thatitisalmosttoomonotonous。Inshort，onemaysayanythingaboutthehistoryoftheworld——anythingthatmightenterthemostdisorderedimagination。Theonlythingonecan’tsayisthatit’srational。Theverywordsticksinone’sthroat。And，indeed，thisistheoddthingthatiscontinuallyhappening：
　　therearecontinuallyturningupinlifemoralandrationalpersons，sagesandloversofhumanitywhomakeittheirobjecttolivealltheirlivesasmorallyandrationallyaspossible，tobe，sotospeak，alighttotheirneighbourssimplyinordertoshowthemthatitispossibletolivemorallyandrationallyinthisworld。Andyetweallknowthatthoseverypeoplesoonerorlaterhavebeenfalsetothemselves，playingsomequeertrick，oftenamostunseemlyone。NowIaskyou：whatcanbeexpectedofmansinceheisabeingendowedwithstrangequalities？
　　Showeruponhimeveryearthlyblessing，drownhiminaseaofhappiness，sothatnothingbutbubblesofblisscanbeseenonthesurface;givehimeconomicprosperity，suchthatheshouldhavenothingelsetodobutsleep，eatcakesandbusyhimselfwiththecontinuationofhisspecies，andeventhenoutofsheeringratitude，sheerspite，manwouldplayyousomenastytrick。
　　Hewouldevenriskhiscakesandwoulddeliberatelydesirethemostfatalrubbish，themostuneconomicalabsurdity，simplytointroduceintoallthispositivegoodsensehisfatalfantasticelement。Itisjusthisfantasticdreams，hisvulgarfollythathewilldesiretoretain，simplyinordertoprovetohimself——asthoughthatweresonecessary——thatmenstillaremenandnotthekeysofapiano，whichthelawsofnaturethreatentocontrolsocompletelythatsoononewillbeabletodesirenothingbutbythecalendar。Andthatisnotall：evenifmanreallywerenothingbutapiano-key，evenifthiswereprovedtohimbynaturalscienceandmathematics，eventhenhewouldnotbecomereasonable，butwouldpurposelydosomethingperverseoutofsimpleingratitude，simplytogainhispoint。Andifhedoesnotfindmeanshewillcontrivedestructionandchaos，willcontrivesufferingsofallsorts，onlytogainhispoint！Hewilllaunchacurseupontheworld，andasonlymancancurse（itishisprivilege，theprimarydistinctionbetweenhimandotheranimals），maybebyhiscursealonehewillattainhisobject——thatis，convincehimselfthatheisamanandnotapiano-key！Ifyousaythatallthis，too，canbecalculatedandtabulated——chaosanddarknessandcurses，sothatthemerepossibilityofcalculatingitallbeforehandwouldstopitall，andreasonwouldreassertitself，thenmanwouldpurposelygomadinordertoberidofreasonandgainhispoint！Ibelieveinit，Ianswerforit，forthewholeworkofmanreallyseemstoconsistinnothingbutprovingtohimselfeveryminutethatheisamanandnotapiano-key！Itmaybeatthecostofhisskin，itmaybebycannibalism！Andthisbeingso，canonehelpbeingtemptedtorejoicethatithasnotyetcomeoff，andthatdesirestilldependsonsomethingwedon’tknow？
　　Youwillscreamatme（thatis，ifyoucondescendtodoso）thatnooneistouchingmyfreewill，thatalltheyareconcernedwithisthatmywillshouldofitself，ofitsownfreewill，coincidewithmyownnormalinterests，withthelawsofnatureandarithmetic。
　　Goodheavens，gentlemen，whatsortoffreewillisleftwhenwecometotabulationandarithmetic，whenitwillallbeacaseoftwicetwomakefour？Twicetwomakesfourwithoutmywill。Asiffreewillmeantthat！
　　IX
　　Gentlemen，Iamjoking，andIknowmyselfthatmyjokesarenotbrilliant，butyouknowonecantakeeverythingasajoke。Iam，perhaps，jestingagainstthegrain。Gentlemen，Iamtormentedbyquestions;answerthemforme。You，forinstance，wanttocuremenoftheiroldhabitsandreformtheirwillinaccordancewithscienceandgoodsense。Buthowdoyouknow，notonlythatitispossible，butalsothatitis_desirable_toreformmaninthatway？Andwhatleadsyoutotheconclusionthatman’sinclinations_need_reforming？Inshort，howdoyouknowthatsuchareformationwillbeabenefittoman？Andtogototherootofthematter，whyareyousopositivelyconvincedthatnottoactagainsthisrealnormalinterestsguaranteedbytheconclusionsofreasonandarithmeticiscertainlyalwaysadvantageousformanandmustalwaysbealawformankind？Sofar，youknow，thisisonlyyoursupposition。Itmaybethelawoflogic，butnotthelawofhumanity。Youthink，gentlemen，perhapsthatIammad？Allowmetodefendmyself。Iagreethatmanispre-eminentlyacreativeanimal，predestinedtostriveconsciouslyforanobjectandtoengageinengineering——thatis，incessantlyandeternallytomakenewroads，_wherevertheymaylead_。Butthereasonwhyhewantssometimestogooffatatangentmayjustbethatheis_predestined_tomaketheroad，andperhaps，too，thathoweverstupidthe"direct"practicalmanmaybe，thethoughtsometimeswilloccurtohimthattheroadalmostalwaysdoeslead_somewhere_，andthatthedestinationitleadstoislessimportantthantheprocessofmakingit，andthatthechiefthingistosavethewell-conductedchildfromdespisingengineering，andsogivingwaytothefatalidleness，which，asweallknow，isthemotherofallthevices。Manlikestomakeroadsandtocreate，thatisafactbeyonddispute。Butwhyhashesuchapassionatelovefordestructionandchaosalso？
　　Tellmethat！ButonthatpointIwanttosayacoupleofwordsmyself。Mayitnotbethatheloveschaosanddestruction（therecanbenodisputingthathedoessometimesloveit）becauseheisinstinctivelyafraidofattaininghisobjectandcompletingtheedificeheisconstructing？Whoknows，perhapsheonlylovesthatedificefromadistance，andisbynomeansinlovewithitatclosequarters;perhapsheonlylovesbuildingitanddoesnotwanttoliveinit，butwillleaveit，whencompleted，fortheuseoflesanimauxdomestiques——suchastheants，thesheep，andsoon。Nowtheantshavequiteadifferenttaste。Theyhaveamarvellousedificeofthatpatternwhichenduresforever——theant-heap。
　　Withtheant-heaptherespectableraceofantsbeganandwiththeant-heaptheywillprobablyend，whichdoesthegreatestcredittotheirperseveranceandgoodsense。Butmanisafrivolousandincongruouscreature，andperhaps，likeachessplayer，lovestheprocessofthegame，nottheendofit。Andwhoknows（thereisnosayingwithcertainty），perhapstheonlygoalonearthtowhichmankindisstrivingliesinthisincessantprocessofattaining，inotherwords，inlifeitself，andnotinthethingtobeattained，whichmustalwaysbeexpressedasaformula，aspositiveastwicetwomakesfour，andsuchpositivenessisnotlife，gentlemen，butisthebeginningofdeath。Anyway，manhasalwaysbeenafraidofthismathematicalcertainty，andIamafraidofitnow。Grantedthatmandoesnothingbutseekthatmathematicalcertainty，hetraversesoceans，sacrificeshislifeinthequest，buttosucceed，reallytofindit，dreads，Iassureyou。Hefeelsthatwhenhehasfoundittherewillbenothingforhimtolookfor。Whenworkmenhavefinishedtheirworktheydoatleastreceivetheirpay，theygotothetavern，thentheyaretakentothepolice-station——andthereisoccupationforaweek。Butwherecanmango？Anyway，onecanobserveacertainawkwardnessabouthimwhenhehasattainedsuchobjects。Helovestheprocessofattaining，butdoesnotquiteliketohaveattained，andthat，ofcourse，isveryabsurd。Infact，manisacomicalcreature;thereseemstobeakindofjestinitall。
　　Butyetmathematicalcertaintyisafterall，somethinginsufferable。Twicetwomakesfourseemstomesimplyapieceofinsolence。Twicetwomakesfourisapertcoxcombwhostandswitharmsakimbobarringyourpathandspitting。Iadmitthattwicetwomakesfourisanexcellentthing，butifwearetogiveeverythingitsdue，twicetwomakesfiveissometimesaverycharmingthingtoo。
　　Andwhyareyousofirmly，sotriumphantly，convincedthatonlythenormalandthepositive——inotherwords，onlywhatisconducivetowelfare——isfortheadvantageofman？Isnotreasoninerrorasregardsadvantage？Doesnotman，perhaps，lovesomethingbesideswell-being？Perhapsheisjustasfondofsuffering？Perhapssufferingisjustasgreatabenefittohimaswell-being？Manissometimesextraordinarily，passionately，inlovewithsuffering，andthatisafact。Thereisnoneedtoappealtouniversalhistorytoprovethat;onlyaskyourself，ifyouareamanandhavelivedatall。Asfarasmypersonalopinionisconcerned，tocareonlyforwell-beingseemstomepositivelyill-bred。Whetherit’sgoodorbad，itissometimesverypleasant，too，tosmashthings。Iholdnobriefforsufferingnorforwell-beingeither。Iamstandingfor……mycaprice，andforitsbeingguaranteedtomewhennecessary。
　　Sufferingwouldbeoutofplaceinvaudevilles，forinstance;I
　　knowthat。Inthe"PalaceofCrystal"itisunthinkable;
　　sufferingmeansdoubt，negation，andwhatwouldbethegoodofa"palaceofcrystal"iftherecouldbeanydoubtaboutit？AndyetIthinkmanwillneverrenouncerealsuffering，thatis，destructionandchaos。Why，sufferingisthesoleoriginofconsciousness。ThoughIdidlayitdownatthebeginningthatconsciousnessisthegreatestmisfortuneforman，yetIknowmanprizesitandwouldnotgiveitupforanysatisfaction。
　　Consciousness，forinstance，isinfinitelysuperiortotwicetwomakesfour。Onceyouhavemathematicalcertaintythereisnothinglefttodoortounderstand。Therewillbenothingleftbuttobottleupyourfivesensesandplungeintocontemplation。
　　Whileifyousticktoconsciousness，eventhoughthesameresultisattained，youcanatleastflogyourselfattimes，andthatwill，atanyrate，livenyouup。Reactionaryasitis，corporalpunishmentisbetterthannothing。
　　X
　　Youbelieveinapalaceofcrystalthatcanneverbedestroyed——apalaceatwhichonewillnotbeabletoputoutone’stongueormakealongnoseonthesly。AndperhapsthatisjustwhyIamafraidofthisedifice，thatitisofcrystalandcanneverbedestroyedandthatonecannotputone’stongueoutatitevenonthesly。
　　Yousee，ifitwerenotapalace，butahen-house，Imightcreepintoittoavoidgettingwet，andyetIwouldnotcallthehen-houseapalaceoutofgratitudetoitforkeepingmedry。
　　Youlaughandsaythatinsuchcircumstancesahen-houseisasgoodasamansion。Yes，Ianswer，ifonehadtolivesimplytokeepoutoftherain。
　　ButwhatistobedoneifIhavetakenitintomyheadthatthatisnottheonlyobjectinlife，andthatifonemustliveonehadbetterliveinamansion？Thatismychoice，mydesire。Youwillonlyeradicateitwhenyouhavechangedmypreference。
　　Well，dochangeit，alluremewithsomethingelse，givemeanotherideal。ButmeanwhileIwillnottakeahen-houseforamansion。Thepalaceofcrystalmaybeanidledream，itmaybethatitisinconsistentwiththelawsofnatureandthatIhaveinventeditonlythroughmyownstupidity，throughtheold-fashionedirrationalhabitsofmygeneration。Butwhatdoesitmattertomethatitisinconsistent？Thatmakesnodifferencesinceitexistsinmydesires，orratherexistsaslongasmydesiresexist。Perhapsyouarelaughingagain？Laughaway;IwillputupwithanymockeryratherthanpretendthatI
　　amsatisfiedwhenIamhungry。Iknow，anyway，thatIwillnotbeputoffwithacompromise，witharecurringzero，simplybecauseitisconsistentwiththelawsofnatureandactuallyexists。Iwillnotacceptasthecrownofmydesiresablockofbuildingswithtenementsforthepooronaleaseofathousandyears，andperhapswithasign-boardofadentisthangingout。
　　Destroymydesires，eradicatemyideals，showmesomethingbetter，andIwillfollowyou。Youwillsay，perhaps，thatitisnotworthyourtrouble;butinthatcaseIcangiveyouthesameanswer。Wearediscussingthingsseriously;butifyouwon’tdeigntogivemeyourattention，Iwilldropyouracquaintance。
　　Icanretreatintomyundergroundhole。