Itwasnogoodthesepeoplepretendingthattheydidnotunderstandtheirownlanguage，andputtingmeoffthatway。Theyhadgottounderstanditthistime。Thiswasnomerequestionofcoffeeandrolls;thiswasaseriousbusiness。IwouldmakethatwaiterunderstandmyScandinavian，ifIhadtohammeritintohisheadwithhisowncoffee-pot！
　　Iseizedhimbythearm，and，inScandinavianthatmusthavebeenquitepatheticinitstragicfervour，Iaskedhimifhehadseenmyfriend——myfriendB。
　　Themanonlystared。
　　Igrewdesperate。Ishookhim。Isaid：
　　"Myfriend——big，great，tall，large——ishewhere？Haveyouhimtoseewhere？Here？"
　　（IhadtoputitthatwaybecauseScandinaviangrammarisnotastrongpointwithme，andmyknowledgeoftheverbsisasyetlimitedtothepresenttenseoftheinfinitivemood。Besides，thiswasnotimetoworryaboutgraceofstyle。）
　　Acrowdgatheredroundus，attractedbytheman’sterrifiedexpression。Iappealedtothemgenerally。Isaid：
　　"MyfriendB。——head，red——boots，yellow，brown，gold——coat，littlesquares——nose，much，large！Ishewhere？Himtosee——anybody——
　　where？"
　　Notasoulmovedahandtohelpme。Theretheystoodandgaped！
　　Irepeateditalloveragainlouder，incaseanybodyontheoutskirtsofthemobhadnotheardit;andIrepeateditinanentirelynewaccent。IgavethemeverychanceIcould。
　　Theychattedexcitedlyamongthemselves，and，thenabrightideaseemedtostrikeoneofthem，alittlemoreintelligent-lookingthantherest，andherushedoutsideandbeganrunningupanddown，callingoutsomethingveryloudly，inwhichtheword"Norwegian"
　　keptonoccurring。
　　Hereturnedinafewseconds，evidentlyexceedinglypleasedwithhimself，accompaniedbyakindly-lookingoldgentlemaninawhitehat。
　　Waywasmadeinthecrowd，andtheoldgentlemanpressedforward。
　　Whenhegotnear，hesmiledatme，andthenproceededtoaddresstomealengthy，butnodoubtkindlymeant，speechinScandinavian。
　　Ofcourse，itwasallutterlyunintelligibletomefrombeginningtoend，andmyfaceclearlyshowedthis。IcangraspawordortwoofScandinavianhereandthere，ifpronouncedslowlyanddistinctly;
　　butthatisall。
　　Theoldgentlemanregardedmewithgreatsurprise。Hesaid（inScandinavian，ofcourse）：
　　"YouspeakNorwegian？"
　　Ireplied，inthesametongue：
　　"Alittle，averylittle——VERY。"
　　Heseemednotonlydisappointed，butindignant。Heexplainedthemattertothecrowd，andtheyallseemedindignant。
　　WHYeverybodyshouldbeindignantwithmeIcouldnotcomprehend。
　　ThereareplentyofpeoplewhodonotunderstandScandinavian。ItwasabsurdtobevexedwithmebecauseIdidnot。Idoknowalittle，andthatismorethansomepeopledo。
　　IinquiredoftheoldgentlemanaboutB。Hedidunderstandme。I
　　mustgivehimcreditforthat。Butbeyondunderstandingme，hewasofnomoreusethantheothers;andwhytheyhadtakensomuchtroubletofetchhim，Icouldnotimagine。
　　Whatwouldhavehappenedifthedifficultyhadcontinuedmuchlonger（forIwasgettingthoroughlywildwiththelotofthem）Icannotsay。Fortunately，atthismomentIcaughtsightofB。himself，whohadjustenteredtheroom。
　　IcouldnothavegreetedhimmoreheartilyifIhadwantedtoborrowmoneyofhim。
　　"Well，IAMgladtoseeyouagain！"Icried。"Well，thisIS
　　pleasant！IthoughtIhadlostyou！"
　　"Why，youareEnglish！"criedouttheoldgentlemaninthewhitehat，inverygoodSaxon，onhearingmespeaktoB。
　　"Well，Iknowthat，"Ireplied，"andI’mproudofit。HaveyouanyobjectiontomybeingEnglish？"
　　"Notintheleast，"heanswered，"ifyou’donlytalkEnglishinsteadofNorwegian。I’mEnglishmyself;"andhewalkedaway，evidentlymuchpuzzled。
　　B。saidtomeaswesatdown：
　　"I’lltellyouwhat’sthematterwithyou，J。——youknowtoomanylanguagesforthiscontinent。Yourlinguisticpowerswillbetheruinofusifyoudon’tholdtheminabit。Youdon’tknowanySanscritorChaldean，doyou？"
　　IrepliedthatIdidnot。
　　"AnyHebreworChinese？"
　　"Notaword。"
　　"Sure？"
　　"Notsomuchasafullstopinanyofthem。"
　　"That’sablessing，"saidB。，muchrelieved。"Youwouldbetryingtopalmoffoneorotherofthemonsomesimple-mindedpeasantforGerman，ifyoudid！"
　　Itisawearisomejourney，throughthelong，hothoursofthemorning，toCologne。Thecarriageisstifling。Railwaytravellers，Ihavealwaysnoticed，regardfreshairaspoison。Theyliketoliveontherefuseofeachother’sbreath，andcloseupeverywindowandventilatortight。Thesunpoursdownthroughglassandblindandscorchesourlimbs。Ourheadsandourbodiesache。Thedustandsootdriftinandsettleonourclothes，andgrimeourhandsandface。Wealldozeandwakeupwithastart，andfalltosleepagainuponeachother。Iwake，andfindmyneighbourwithhisheaduponmyshoulder。Itseemsashametocasthimoff;helookssotrustful。Butheisheavy。Ipushhimontothemantheotherside。Heisjustashappythere。Werollabout;andwhenthetrainjerks，webutteachotherwithourheads。Thingsfallfromtherackuponus。Welookupsurprised，andgotosleepagain。Mybagtumblesdownupontheheadoftheunjustmaninthecorner。（Isitretribution？）Hestartsup，begsmypardon，andsinksbackintooblivion。Iamtoosleepytopickupthebag。Itliesthereonthefloor。Theunjustmanusesitforafootstool。
　　Welookout，throughhalf-closedeyes，upontheparched，level，treelessland;uponthelittlepatchworkfarmsofcornandbeetroot，oatsandfruit，growingundivided，sidebyside，eachlookinglikealittlegardendroppeddownintotheplain;uponthelittledullstonehouses。
　　Asteepleappearsfarawayuponthehorizon。（Thefirstthingthatweaskofmenistheirfaith："Whatdoyoubelieve？"Thefirstthingthattheyshowusistheirchurch："THISwebelieve。"）Thenatallchimneyrangesitselfalongside。（Firstfaith，thenworks。）
　　Thenaconfusedjumbleofroofs，outofwhich，atlast，standforthindividualhouses，factories，streets，andwedrawupinasleepingtown。
　　Peopleopenthecarriagedoor，andlookinuponus。Theydonotappeartothinkmuchofus，andclosethedooragainquickly，withabang，andwesleeponcemore。
　　Aswerumbleon，thecountryslowlywakes。RudeV-shapedcarts，drawnbyyokedoxen，andevensometimesbycows，waitpatientlywhilewecrossthelong，straightroadsstretchingbareformanyamileacrosstheplain。Peasantstrudgealongthefieldstowork。
　　Smokerisesfromthevillagesandfarm-houses。Passengersarewaitingatthewaysidestations。
　　Towardsmid-day，onlookingout，weseetwotinyspiresstandingsidebysideagainstthesky。Theyseemtobetwins，andgrowtallerasweapproach。IdescribethemtoB。，andhesaystheyarethesteeplesofCologneCathedral;andweallbegintoyawnandstretch，andtocollectourbagsandcoatsandumbrellas。
　　HALFOFSATURDAY24TH，ANDSOMEOFSUNDAY，25TH
　　DifficultyofKeepingthisDiary。——ABigWash。——TheGermanBed。——ItsGoingsOn。——MannersandCustomsoftheGermanArmy。——B。’sBesettingSin。——CologneCathedral。——ThoughtsWithoutWords。——ACuriousCustom。
　　Thisdiaryisgettingmixed。Thetruthis，Iamnotlivingasamanwhokeepsadiaryshouldlive。Iought，ofcourse，tositdowninfrontofthisdiaryateleveno’clockatnight，andwritedownallthathasoccurredtomeduringtheday。Butateleveno’clockatnight，Iaminthemiddleofalongrailwayjourney，orhavejustgotup，oramjustgoingtobedforacoupleofhours。Wegotobedatoddmoments，whenwehappentocomeacrossabed，andhaveafewminutestospare。Wehavebeentobedthisafternoon，andarenowhavinganotherbreakfast;andIamnotquitesurewhetheritisyesterdayorto-morrow，orwhatdayitis。
　　Ishallnotattempttowriteupthisdiaryintheorthodoxmanner，therefore;butshallfixinafewlineswheneverIhavehalf-an-hourwithnothingbettertodo。
　　WewashedourselvesintheRhineatCologne（wehadnothadawashsincewehadleftourhappyhomeinEngland）。Westartedwiththeideaofwashingourselvesatthehotel;butonseeingthebasinandwaterandtowelprovided，Idecidednottowastemytimeplayingwiththem。AswellmightHerculeshaveattemptedtotidyuptheAugeanstableswithasquirt。
　　Weappealedtothechambermaid。Weexplainedtoherthatwewantedtowash——tocleanourselves——nottoblowbubbles。Couldwenothavebiggerbasinsandmorewaterandmoreextensivetowels？Thechambermaid（astaidoldladyofaboutfifty）didnotthinkthatanythingbettercouldbedoneforusbythehotelfraternityofCologne，andseemedtothinkthattheriverwasmorewhatwewanted。
　　Ifanciedthattheoldsoulwasspeakingsarcastically，butB。said"No;"shewasthinkingofthebathsalongsidetheriver，andsuggestedthatweshouldgothere。Iagreed。Itseemedtomethattheriver——theRhine——would，ifanythingcould，meetthecase。
　　Thereoughttobeplentyofwaterinitnow，aftertheheavyspringrains。
　　WhenIsawit，Ifeltsatisfied。IsaidtoB。：
　　"That’sallright，oldman;that’sthesortofthingweneed。ThatisjustthesizedriverIfeelIcangetmyselfcleaninthisafternoon。"
　　IhaveheardagooddealinpraiseoftheRhine，andIamgladtobeabletospeakwellofitmyself。Ifounditmostrefreshing。
　　Iwas，however，sorrythatwehadwashedinitafterwards。IhaveheardfromfriendswhohavetravelledsinceinGermanythatwecompletelyspoiledthatriverfortherestoftheseason。Notforbusinesspurposes，Idonotmean。Thebargetraffichasbeen，comparativelyspeaking，uninterferedwith。Butthetouristtradehassufferedterribly。PartieswhousuallygouptheRhinebysteamerhave，afterlookingattheriver，gonebytrainthisyear。
　　TheboatagentshavetriedtopersuadethemthattheRhineisalwaysthatcolour：thatitgetslikethatowingtothedirtandrefusewasheddownintoitduringitscourseamongthemountains。
　　Butthetouristshaverefusedtoacceptthisexplanation。Theyhavesaid：
　　"No。Mountainswillaccountforagooddeal，weadmit，butnotforallTHAT。WeareacquaintedwiththeordinaryconditionoftheRhine，andalthoughmuddy，andattimesunpleasant，itispassable。
　　Asitisthissummer，however，wewouldprefernottotraveluponit。Wewillwaituntilafternextyear’sspring-floods。"
　　Wewenttobedafterourwash。TotheblaseEnglishbed-goer，accustomedallhislifetothesameoldhackneyedstyleofbednightafternight，thereissomethingverypleasantlypiquantabouttheexperienceoftryingtosleepinaGermanbed。Hedoesnotknowitisabedatfirst。Hethinksthatsomeonehasbeengoingroundtheroom，collectingallthesacksandcushionsandantimacassarsandsucharticlesthathehashappenedtofindabout，andhaspiledthemuponawoodentrayreadyformoving。Heringsforthechambermaid，andexplainstoherthatshehasshownhimintothewrongroom。Hewantedabedroom。
　　Shesays："ThisISabedroom。"
　　Hesays："Where’sthebed？"
　　"There！"shesays，pointingtotheboxonwhichthesacksandantimacassarsandcushionsliepiled。
　　"That！"hecries。"HowamIgoingtosleepinthat？"
　　Thechambermaiddoesnotknowhowheisgoingtosleepthere，neverhavingseenagentlemangotosleepanywhere，andnotknowinghowtheysetaboutit;butsuggeststhathemighttrylyingdownflat，andshuttinghiseyes。
　　"Butitisnotlongenough，"hesays。
　　Thechambermaidthinkshewillbeabletomanage，ifhetuckshislegsup。
　　Heseesthathewillnotgetanythingbetter，andthathemustputupwithit。
　　"Oh，verywell！"hesays。"Looksharpandgetitmade，then。"
　　Shesays："Itismade。"
　　Heturnsandregardsthegirlsternly。Isshetakingadvantageofhisbeingalonelystranger，farfromhomeandfriends，tomockhim？
　　Hegoesovertowhatshecallsthebed，andsnatchingoffthetop-
　　mostsackfromthepileandholdingitup，says：
　　"Perhapsyou’lltellmewhatthisis，then？"
　　"That，"saysthegirl，"that’sthebed！"
　　Heissomewhatnonplussedattheunexpectedreply。
　　"Oh！"hesays。"Oh！thebed，isit？Ithoughtitwasapincushion！
　　Well，ifitisthebed，thenwhatisitdoingouthere，onthetopofeverythingelse？YouthinkthatbecauseI’monlyaman，Idon’tunderstandabed！"
　　"That’stheproperplaceforit，"respondsthechambermaid。
　　"What！ontop？"
　　"Yes，sir。"
　　"Well，thenwherearetheclothes？"
　　"Underneath，sir。"
　　"Lookhere，mygoodgirl，"hesays;"youdon’tunderstandme，orI
　　don’tunderstandyou，oneortheother。WhenIgotosleep，Ilieonabedandpulltheclothesoverme。Idon’twanttolieontheclothes，andcovermyselfwiththebed。Thisisn’tacomicballet，youknow！"
　　Thegirlassureshimthatthereisnomistakeaboutthematteratall。Thereisthebed，madeaccordingtoGermannotionsofhowabedshouldbemade。Hecanmakethebestofitandtrytogotosleepuponit，orhecanbesulkyandgotosleeponthefloor。
　　Heisverymuchsurprised。Itlookstohimthesortofbedthatamanwouldmakeforhimselfoncominghomelatefromaparty。Butitisnousearguingthematterwiththegirl。
　　"Allright，"hesays;"bringmeapillow，andI’llriskit！"
　　Thechambermaidexplainsthattherearetwopillowsonthebedalready，indicating，asshedoesso，twoflatcushions，eachoneayardsquare，placedoneontopoftheotheratoneendofthemixture。
　　"These！"exclaimsthewearytraveller，beginningtofeelthathedoesnotwanttogotobedatall。"Thesearenotpillows！Iwantsomethingtoputmyheadon;notathingthatcomesdowntothemiddleofmyback！Don’ttellmethatI’vegottosleeponthesethings！"
　　Butthegirldoestellhimso，andalsoimpliesthatshehassomethingelsetodothantostandtherealldaytalkingbed-gossipwithhim。
　　"Well，justshowmehowtostart，"hesays，"whichwayyougetintoit，andthenIwon’tkeepyouanylonger;I’llpuzzleouttherestformyself。"
　　Sheexplainsthetricktohimandleaves，andheundressesandcrawlsin。
　　Thepillowsgivehimagooddealofworry。Hedoesnotknowwhetherheismeanttositonthemormerelytoleanupagainstthem。Inexperimentinguponthispoint，hebumpshisheadagainstthetopboardofthebedstead。Atthis，hesays，"Oh！"andshootshimselfdowntothebottomofthebed。Hereallhistentoessimultaneouslycomeintosharpcontactwiththeboardatthebottom。
　　Nothingirritatesamanmorethanbeingrappedoverthetoes，especiallyifhefeelsthathehasdonenothingtodeserveit。Hesays，"Oh，damn！"thistime，andspasmodicallydoublesuphislegs，thusgivinghiskneesaviolentblowagainsttheboardatthesideofthebed。（TheGermanbedstead，beitremembered，isbuiltintheformofashallow，openbox，andthevictimisthuscompletelysurroundedbysolidpiecesofwoodwithsharpedges。Idonotknowwhatspeciesofwooditisthatisemployed。Itisextremelyhard，andgivesforthacuriousmusicalsoundwhenstrucksharplywithabone。）
　　Afterthisheliesperfectlystillforawhile，wonderingwhereheisgoingtobehitnext。Findingthatnothinghappens，hebeginstoregainconfidence，andventurestogentlyfeelaroundwithhisleftlegandtakestockofhisposition。
　　Forclothes，hehasonlyaverythinblanketandsheet，andbeneaththesehefeelsdecidedlychilly。Thebediswarmenough，sofarasitgoes，butthereisnotenoughofit。Hedrawsituproundhischin，andthenhisfeetbegintofreeze。Hepushesitdownoverhisfeet，andthenallthetoppartofhimshivers。
　　Hetriestorollupintoaball，soastogetthewholeofhimselfunderneathit，butdoesnotsucceed;thereisalwayssomeofhimleftoutsideinthecold。
　　Hereflectsthata"bonelesswonder"ora"manserpent"wouldbecomfortableenoughinthisbed，andwishesthathehadbeenbroughtupasacontortionist。Ifhecouldonlytiehislegsroundhisneck，andtuckhisheadinunderhisarm，allwouldyetbewell。
　　Neverhavingbeentaughttodoanyreallyusefultrickssuchasthese，however，hehastobecontenttoremainspreadout，warmingabitofhimselfatatime。
　　Itis，perhaps，foolishofhim，amidsomanyrealtroubles，toallowamereaestheticalconsiderationtoworryhim，butasheliesthereonhisback，lookingdownathimself，thesightthathepresentstohimselfconsiderablyannoyshim。Thepuffed-upbed，restingonthemiddleofhim，giveshimtheappearanceofamansufferingfromsomemonstrousswelling，orelseofsomeexceptionallywell-developedfrogthathasbeenturnedupthewrongwayanddoesnotknowhowtogetontoitslegsagain。
　　Anothervexationthathehastocontendwithis，thateverytimehemovesalimborbreathesextrahard，thebed（whichisonlyofdown）
　　tumblesoffontothefloor。
　　YoucannotleanoutofaGermanbedtopickupanythingoffthefloor，owingtoitsbox-likeformation;sohehastoscrambleoutafterit，andofcourseeverytimehedoesthishebarksbothhisshinstwiceagainstthesidesofthebed。
　　Whenhehasperformedthisfeatforaboutthetenthtime，heconcludesthatitwasmadnessforhim，amererawamateuratthebusiness，tothinkthathecouldmanageacomplicated，trickybedofthissort，thatmusttakeevenanexperiencedmanallheknowstosleepinit;andgetsoutandcampsonthefloor。
　　Atleast，thatiswhatIdid。B。isaccustomedtoGermanbeds，anddoubledhimselfupandwentofftosleepwithouttheslightestdifficulty。
　　Wesleptfortwohours，andthengotupandwentbacktotherailway-station，wherewedined。Therailwayrefreshment-roominGermantownsappearstobeasmuchpatronisedbytheinhabitantsofthetownasbythetravellerspassingthrough。Itisregardedasanordinaryrestaurant，andusedassuchbythecitizens。Wefoundthedining-roomatColognestationcrowdedwithCologneists。
　　Allclassesofcitizenswerethere，butespeciallysoldiers。Therewereallsortsofsoldiers——soldiersofrank，andsoldiersofrankandfile;attachedsoldiers（verymuchattached，apparently）andsoldiersunattached;stoutsoldiers，thinsoldiers;oldsoldiers，youngsoldiers。Fourveryyoungsoldierssatoppositeus，drinkingbeer。Ineversawsuchyoungsoldiersoutbythemselvesbefore。
　　Theyeachlookedabouttwelveyearsold，butmayhavebeenthirteen;
　　andtheyeachlooked，also，readyandwillingtostormabattery，iftheorderweregiventothemtodoit。Theretheysat，raisingandloweringtheirhugemugsofbeer，discussingmilitarymatters，andrisingeverynowandagaintogravelysalutesomeofficerashepassed，andtoreceiveasgravelyhisgravesaluteinreturn。
　　Thereseemedtobeadealofsalutingtobegonethrough。Officerskeptenteringandpassingthroughtheroominanalmostcontinualstream，andeverytimeonecameinsightallthemilitarydrinkersandeatersroseandsaluted，andremainedatthesaluteuntiltheofficerhadpassed。
　　Oneyoungsoldier，whowastryingtoeataplateofsoupnearus，I
　　feltquitesorryfor。Everytimehegotthespoonnearhismouthanofficerinvariablyhoveinview，anddownwouldhavetogothespoon，soupandall，anduphewouldhavetorise。Itneverseemedtooccurtothesillyfellowtogetunderthetableandfinishhisdinnerthere。
　　Wehadhalf-an-hourtosparebetweendinnerandthestartingofourtrain，andB。suggestedthatweshouldgointothecathedral。ThatisB。’soneweakness，churches。Ihavethegreatestdifficultyingettinghimpastachurch-door。Wearewalkingalongastreet，arminarm，talkingasrationallyandevenasvirtuouslyasneedbe，whenallatonceIfindthatB。hasbecomesilentandabstracted。
　　Iknowwhatitis;hehascaughtsightofachurch。Ipretendnottonoticeanychangeinhim，andendeavourtohurryhimon。Helagsmoreandmorebehind，however，andatlaststopsaltogether。
　　"Come，come，"Isaytohim，encouragingly，"pullyourselftogether，andbeaman。Don’tthinkaboutit。Putitbehindyou，anddeterminethatyouWON’Tbeconquered。Come，weshallberoundthecornerinanotherminute，whereyouwon’tbeabletoseeit。Takemyhand，andlet’srun！"
　　Hemakesafewfeeblestepsforwardwithme，andthenstopsagain。
　　"It’snogood，oldman，"hesays，withasicklysmile，sofullofpathosthatitisimpossibletofinditinone’shearttofeelanythingbutpityforhim。"Ican’thelpit。Ihavegivenwaytothissortofthingtoolong。Itistoolatetoreformnow。Yougoonandgetadrinksomewhere;I’lljoinyouagaininafewminutes。
　　Don’tworryaboutme;it’snogood。"
　　Andbackhegoeswithtotteringsteps，whileIsadlypassonintothenearestcafe，and，overaglassofabsintheorcognac，thankProvidencethatIlearnttocontrolmycravingforchurchesinearlyyouth，andsoamnotnowlikethispoorB。
　　Inalittlewhilehecomesin，andsitsdownbesideme。Thereisawild，unhealthyexcitementinhiseye，and，underadefiantairofunnaturalgaiety，heattemptstohidehisconsciousnessofguilt。
　　"Itwasalovelyaltar-cloth，"hewhisperstome，withanenthusiasmthatonlymakesonesorrowforhimthemore，soutterlyimpossibledoesitcauseallhopeofcuretoseem。"Andthey’vegotacoffininthenorthcryptthatissimplyapoem。Ineverenjoyedasarcophagusmoreinallmylife。"
　　Idonotsaymuchatthetime;itwouldbeuseless。Butafterthedayisdone，andwearestandingbesideourlittlebeds，andallaroundisassilentasonecanexpectittobeinanhotelwherepeopleseemtobearrivingallnightlongwithheavyluggage，andtobeall，moreorless，introuble，Iarguewithhim，andgentlyreprovehim。Toavoidtheappearanceofsermonisingasmuchaspossible，Iputitonmeregroundsofexpediency。
　　"Howarewetofindtime，"Isay，"togotoalltheplacesthatwereallyoughttogoto——toallthecafesandtheatresandmusic-hallsandbeer-gardensanddancing-saloonsthatwewanttovisit——ifyouwastehalfthepreciousdayloafingaboutchurchesandcathedrals？"
　　Heisdeeplymoved，andpromisestoswearoff。Hevows，withtearsinhisvoice，thathewillneverenterachurch-dooragain。Butnextmorning，whenthetemptationcomes，allhisgoodresolutionsaresweptaway，andagainheyields。Itisnogoodbeingangrywithhim，becauseheevidentlydoesreallytry;butthereissomethingaboutthemereodourofachurchthathesimplycannotwithstand。
　　Notknowing，then，thatthisweaknessofhisforchurcheswassostrong，ImadenoobjectiontotheproposedvisittoCologneCathedral，and，accordingly，towardsitwewendedourway。B。hasseenitbefore，andknowsallaboutit。Hetellsmeitwasbegunaboutthemiddleofthethirteenthcentury，andwasonlycompletedtenyearsago。Itseemstomethattheremusthavebeengrossdelayonthepartofthebuilder。Why，aplumberwouldbeashamedtotakeaslongasthatoverajob！
　　B。alsoassertsthatthetwotowersarethehighestchurchtowersintheworld。Idisputethis，anddeprecatethetowersgenerally。B。
　　warmlydefendsthem。HesaystheyarehigherthananybuildinginEurope，excepttheEiffelTower。
　　"Oh，dearno！"Isay，"therearemanybuildingshigherthantheyinEurope——tosaynothingofAsiaandAmerica。"
　　Ihavenoauthorityformakingthisassertion。Asamatteroffact，Iknownothingwhateveraboutthematter。ImerelysayittoirritateB。Heappearstotakeasortofpersonalinterestinthebuilding，andenlargesuponitsbeautiesandadvantageswithasmuchfervourasifhewereanauctioneertryingtoselltheplace。
　　Heretortsthatthetowersare512feethigh。
　　Isay：
　　"Nonsense！Somebodyhasimposeduponyou，becausetheyseeyouareaforeigner。"
　　Hebecomesquiteangryatthis，andsayshecanshowmethefiguresintheguide-book。
　　"Theguide-book！"Ireply，scornfully。"You’llbelieveanewspapernext！"
　　B。asksme，indignantly，whatheightIshouldsaytheyare，then。I
　　examinethemcriticallyforafewminutes，andthengiveitasmyopinionthattheydonotexceed510feetattheveryoutside。B。
　　seemsannoyedwithme，andweenterthechurchinsilence。
　　Thereislittletobesaidaboutacathedral。Excepttotheprofessionalsightseer，oneisverymuchlikeanother。Theirbeautytomelies，notinthepaintingsandsculpturetheygivehouseroomto，norinthebonesandbric-a-bracpiledupintheircellars，butinthemselves——theirechoingvastness，theirdeepsilence。
　　Abovethelittlehomesofmen，abovethenoisyteemingstreets，theyriselikesomesoftstrainofperfectmusic，cleavingitswayamidthejangleofdiscordantnotes。Here，wherethevoicesoftheworldsoundfaint;here，wherethecity’sglamourcomesnotin，itisgoodtorestforawhile——ifonlythepesteringguideswouldleaveonealone——andthink。
　　ThereismuchhelpinSilence。Fromitstouchwegainrenewedlife。
　　SilenceistotheSoulwhathisMotherEarthwastoBriareus。Fromcontactwithitwerisehealedofourhurtsandstrengthenedforthefight。
　　Amidthebabeloftheschoolswestandbewilderedandaffrighted。
　　Silencegivesuspeaceandhope。Silenceteachesusnocreed，onlythatGod’sarmsarearoundtheuniverse。
　　HowsmallandunimportantseemallourfretfultroublesandambitionswhenwestandwiththeminourhandbeforethegreatcalmfaceofSilence！Wesmileatthemourselves，andareashamed。
　　Silenceteachesushowlittleweare——howgreatweare。Intheworld’smarket-placeswearetinkers，tailors，apothecaries，thieves——respectableorotherwise，asthecasemaybe——mereatomsofamightymachine——mereinsectsinavasthive。
　　ItisonlyinSilencethatitcomeshometousthatwearesomethingmuchgreaterthanthis——thatweareMEN，withalltheuniverseandalleternitybeforeus。
　　ItisinSilencewehearthevoiceofTruth。Thetemplesandthemartsofmenechoallnightanddaytotheclamourofliesandshamsandquackeries。ButinSilencefalsehoodcannotlive。YoucannotfloatalieonSilence。Aliehastobepuffedaloft，andkeptfromfallingbymen’sbreath。LeavealieonthebosomofSilence，anditsinks。Atruthfloatstherefairandstately，likesomestoutshipuponadeepocean。Silencebuoysheruplovinglyforallmentosee。Notuntilshehasgrownworn-outandrotten，andisnolongeratruth，willthewatersofSilencecloseoverher。
　　Silenceistheonlyrealthingwecanlayholdofinthisworldofpassingdreams。Timeisashadowthatwillvanishwiththetwilightofhumanity;butSilenceisapartoftheeternal。Allthingsthataretrueandlastinghavebeentaughttomen’sheartsbySilence。
　　Amongallnations，thereshouldbevasttemplesraisedwherethepeoplemightworshipSilenceandlistentoit，foritisthevoiceofGod。
　　Thesefairchurchesandcathedralsthatmenhaverearedaroundthemthroughouttheworld，havebeenbuiltashomesformerecreeds——thisoneforProtestantism，thatoneforRomanism，anotherforMahomedanism。ButGod’sSilencedwellsinallalike，onlydrivenforthattimesbythetinklingofbellsandthemumblingofprayers;
　　and，inthem，itisgoodtositawhileandhavecommunionwithher。
　　Westrolledround，beforewecameout。Justbytheentrancetothechoiranofficialstoppedme，andaskedmeifIwantedtogoandseealotoffal-lalthingshehadgotonshow——relicsandbones，andoldmasters，andsuch-likeWardour-streetrubbish。
　　Itoldhim，"No";andattemptedtopasson，buthesaid：
　　"No，no！Youdon’tpay，youdon’tgointhere，"andshutthegate。
　　HesaidthissentenceinEnglish;andtheprecisionandfluencywithwhichhedelivereditrathersuggestedtheideathatitwasaphrasemuchinrequest，andonethathehadhadagooddealofpracticein。
　　ItisveryprevalentthroughoutGermany，thiscustomofnotallowingyoutogointoseeathingunlessyoupay。
　　ENDOFSATURDAY，24TH，ANDBEGINNINGOFSUNDAY，25TH——CONTINUED
　　TheRhine！——HowHistoryisWritten。——ComplicatedVillages。——HowaPeacefulCommunityWasVeryMuchUpset。——TheGermanRailwayGuard。——
　　HisPassionforTickets。——WeDiffuseComfortandJoyWhereverWeGo，GladdeningtheWeary，andBringingSmilestoThemthatWeep。——
　　"Tickets，Please。"——HuntingExperiences。——ANaturalMistake。——FreeAcrobaticPerformancebytheGuard。——TheRailwayAuthorities’LittleJoke。——WhyWeShouldThinkoftheSorrowsofOthers。
　　Wereturnedtothestationjustintimetosecurecomfortableseats，andat5。10steamedoutuponourfifteenhours’runtoMunich。FromBonntoMayencethelinekeepsbythesideoftheRhinenearlythewholeoftheway，andwehadasplendidviewoftheriver，withtheold-worldtownsandvillagesthatclusterrounditsbank，themistymountainsthatmakeearlytwilightuponitsswiftlyrollingwaves，thecastledcragsandprecipicesthatriseupsheerandmajesticfromitsmargin，thewoodedrocksthathangwiththreateningfrownaboveitssombredepths，theruinedtowersandturretsthatcapeachpointalongitsshores，thepleasantislesthatstudlikegemsitsbroadexpanseofwaters。
　　Fewthingsinthisworldcomeuptoexpectation，especiallythosethingsofwhichonehasbeenledtoexpectmuch，andaboutwhichonehasheardagooddeal。Withthisphilosophyrunninginmyhead，I
　　waspreparedtofindtheRhineamuchover-ratedriver。
　　Iwaspleasantlydisappointed。Thepanoramawhichunfoldeditselfbeforeoureyes，aswespedalongthroughthequiettwilightthatwasdeepeningintostarrynight，waswonderfullybeautiful，entrancingandexpressive。
　　Idonotintendtodescribeittoyou。Todojusticetothetheme，IshouldhavetobeevenamorebrilliantandpowerfulwriterthanI
　　am。Toattemptthesubject，withoutdoingitjustice，wouldbeawasteofyourtime，sweetreader，andofmine——astillmoreimportantmatter。
　　Iconfessitwasnotmyoriginalintentiontoletyouoffsoeasily。
　　Istartedwiththeideaofgivingyouarapidbutglowingandeloquentword-pictureofthevalleyoftheRhinefromColognetoMayence。Forbackground，IthoughtIwouldsketchinthehistoricalandlegendaryeventsconnectedwiththedistrict，andagainstthis，foraforeground，Iwoulddraw，invividcolours，themodernaspectofthescene，withremarksandobservationsthereon。
　　Herearemyroughnotes，madeforthepurpose：-
　　Mems。forChapteronRhine："ConstantinetheGreatusedtocomehere——sodidAgrippa。（N。B。——TryandfindoutsomethingaboutAgrippa。）CaesarhadagooddealtodowiththeRhine——alsoNero’smother。"
　　（Tothereader。——Thebrevityofthesememorandarenderstheirimport，attimes，confusing。Forinstance，thismeansthatCaesarandNero’smotherbothhadagooddealtodowiththeRhine;notthatCaesarhadagooddealtodowithNero’smother。IexplainthisbecauseIshouldbesorrytoconveyanyfalseimpressionconcerningeithertheladyorCaesar。Scandalisathingabhorrenttomynature。）
　　Notescontinued："TheUbiididsomethingontherightbankoftheRhineatanearlyperiod，andafterwardswerefoundontheotherside。（ExpecttheUbiiwereatribe;butmakesureofthis，astheymightbesomethinginthefossilline。）ColognewasthecradleofGermanart。Talkaboutartandtheoldmasters。Treattheminakindlyandgentlespirit。Theyaredeadnow。SaintUrsulawasmurderedatCologne，witheleventhousandvirginattendants。Theremusthavebeenquiteapartyofthem。Drawpowerfulandpatheticimaginarypictureoftheslaughter。（N。B。——Findoutwhomurderedthemall。）SaysomethingabouttheEmperorMaximilian。Callhim’themightyMaximilian。’MentionCharlemagne（agooddealshouldbemadeoutofCharlemagne）andtheFranks。（FindoutallabouttheFranks，andwheretheylived，andwhathasbecomeofthem。）SketchthevariouscontestsbetweentheRomansandtheGoths。（Readup’Gibbon’forthis，unlessyoucangetenoughoutofMangnall’sQuestions。）Givepicturesqueaccount——withcomments——ofthebattlesbetweenthecitizensofCologneandtheirhaughtyarchbishops。
　　（N。B。——LetthemfightonabridgeovertheRhine，unlessitisdistinctlystatedsomewherethattheydidn’t。）BringintheMinne-
　　singers，especiallyWaltervonVogelweid;makehimsingunderacastle-wallsomewhere，andletthegirldie。TalkaboutAlbertDurer。Criticisehisstyle。Sayit’sflat。（Ifpossible，findoutifitISflat。）"TherattowerontheRhine，"nearBingen。
　　Describetheplaceandtellthewholestory。Don’tspinitouttoolong，becauseeverybodyknowsit。"TheBrothersofBornhofen，"
　　storyconnectedwiththetwincastlesofSterrenbergandLiebenstein，ConradandHeinrich——brothers——bothloveHildegarde。
　　Shewasverybeautiful。HeinrichgenerouslyrefusestomarrythebeautifulHildegarde，andgoesawaytotheCrusades，leavinghertohisbrotherConrad。Conradconsidersoverthematterforayearortwo，andthenHEdecidesthathewon’tmarryhereither，butwillleaveherforhisbrotherHeinrich，andHEgoesofftotheCrusades，fromwhencehereturns，afewyearslateron，withaGrecianbride。
　　ThebeautifulH。，muddledupbetweenthepairofthem，andthevictimoftoomuchgenerosity，getssulky（don’tblameher），andshutsherselfupinalonelypartofthecastle，andwon’tseeanybodyforyears。ChivalrousHeinrichreturns，andiswildthathisbrotherC。hasnotmarriedthebeautifulH。Itdoesnotoccurtohimtomarrythegirleventhen。Thefeverishyearningdisplayedbyeachofthesetwobrothers，thattheotheroneshouldmarrythebelovedHildegarde，isverytouching。Heinrichdrawshissword，andthrowshimselfuponhisbrotherC。tokillhim。ThebeautifulHildegarde，however，throwsherselfbetweenthemandreconciliatesthem，andthen，convincedthatneitherofthemmeansbusiness，andnaturallydisgustedwiththewholeaffair，retiresintoanunnery。
　　Conrad’sGrecianbridesubsequentlythrowsherselfawayonanotherman，uponwhichConradthrowshimselfonhisbrotherH。’sbreast，andtheysweareternalfriendship。（Makeitpathetic。Pretendyouhavesatamidtheruinsinthemoonlight，andgivethescene——withghosts。）"Rolandseck，"nearBonn。TellthestoryofRolandandHildegunde（seeBaedeker，p。66）。Don’tmakeittoolong，becauseitissomuchliketheother。Describethefuneral？The"WatchTowerontheRhine"belowAudernach。Query，isn’tthereasongaboutthis？Ifso，putitin。CoblentzandEhrenbreitstein。Greatfortresses。Callthem"theFrowningSentinelsoftheState。"MakereflectionsontheGermanarmy，alsoonwargenerally。ChataboutFredericktheGreat。（ReadCarlyle’shistoryofhim，andpickouttheinterestingbits。）TheDrachenfels。QuoteByron。Moraliseaboutruinedcastlesgenerally，anddescribethemiddleages，withyourviewsandopinionsonsame。"
　　Thereismuchmoreofit，butthatissufficienttoletyouseetheschemeIhadinmyhead。Ihavenotcarriedoutmyscheme，because，whenIcametoreflectuponthematter，itseemedtomethattheideawoulddevelopintosomethingthatwouldbemoreinthenatureofahistoryofEuropethanachapterinatourist’sdiary，andI
　　determinednottowastemytimeuponit，untiltherearoseagreaterpublicdemandforanewHistoryofEuropethanthereappearstoexistatpresent。
　　"Besides，"Iarguedtomyself，"suchaworkwouldbejusttheverythingwithwhichtobeguilethetediumofalongimprisonment。AtsomefuturetimeImaybegladofalabourofthismagnitudetooccupyaperiodofinvoluntaryinaction。"
　　"Thisisthesortofthing，"Isaidtomyself，"tosaveupforHollowayorPentonville。"
　　Itwouldhavebeenaveryenjoyableridealtogether，thatevening’sspinalongthebanksoftheRhine，ifIhadnotbeenhauntedatthetimebytheideathatIshouldhavetowriteanaccountofitnextdayinmydiary。Asitwas，Ienjoyeditasamanenjoysadinnerwhenhehasgottomakeaspeechafterit，orasacriticenjoysaplay。
　　Wepassedsuchoddlittlevillageseveryhereandthere。Littleplacessocrowdedupbetweentherailwayandtheriverthattherewasnoroominthemforanystreets。Allthehouseswerejumbleduptogetherjustanyhow，andhowanymanwholivedinthemiddlecouldgethomewithoutclimbingoverhalftheotherhousesintheplaceI
　　couldnotmakeout。Theywerethesortofvillageswhereaman’smother-in-law，comingtopayhimavisit，mightwanderaroundallday，hearinghim，andevennowandthenseeinghim，yetneverbeingabletogetathiminconsequenceofnotknowingthewayin。
　　Adrunkenman，livinginoneofthesevillages，couldneverhopetogethome。Hewouldhavetositdownoutside，andwaittillhisheadwasclear。
　　Wewitnessedtheopeningscenesofaveryamusinglittlecomedyatoneofthetownswherethetraindrewup。Thechiefcharacterswereplayedbyanactiveyounggoat，asmallboy，anelderlymanandawoman，parentsofthesmallboyandownersofthegoat，andadog。
　　Firstweheardayell，andthen，fromoutacottageoppositethestation，boundedaninnocentandhappygoat，andgambolledaround。
　　Alongrope，oneendofwhichwasfastenedtohisneck，trailedbehindhim。Afterthegoat（inthedoublesenseofthephrase）cameachild。Thechildtriedtocatchthegoatbymeansoftherope，caughtitselfintheropeinstead，andwentdownwithabumpandascreech。Whereuponastoutwoman，theboy’smotherapparently，ranoutfromthecottage，andalsomadeforthegoat。Thegoatflewdowntheroad，andthewomanflewafterit。Atthefirstcorner，thewomantrodontherope，andthenSHEwentdownwithabumpandascreech。Thenthegoatturnedandranupthestreet，and，asitpassedthecottage，thefatherranoutandtriedtostopit。Hewasanoldman，butstillseemedtohaveplentyofvigourinhim。Heevidentlyguessedhowhiswifeandchildhadgonedown，andheendeavouredtoavoidtheropeandtoskipoveritwhenitcamenearhim。Butthegoat’smovementsweretooerraticforhim。Histurncame，andhetrodontherope，andwentdowninthemiddleoftheroad，oppositehisowndoor，withathudthatshookusallupagainsteachotheraswestoodlookingoutofthecarriage-window，andsatthereandcursedthegoat。Thenoutranadog，barkingfuriously，andhewentforthegoat，andgottheendoftheropeinhisteethandheldontoitlikegrimdeath。Awaywentthegoat，athisendoftherope，and，withhim，thedogattheotherend。
　　Betweenthem，theykepttheropeaboutsixinchesabovetheground，andwithittheyremorselesslymoweddowneverylivingthingtheycameacrossinthatoncepeacefulvillage。Inthecourseoflessthanhalfaminutewecountedfourteenpersonssittingdowninthemiddleoftheroad。Eightofthemwerecursingthegoat，fourwerecursingthedog，andtwoofthemwerecursingtheoldmanforkeepingthegoat，oneofthesetwo，andthemoreviolentone，beingtheman’sownwife。
　　Thetrainleftatthisjuncture。Weentreatedtherailwayofficialstoletusstopandseetheshowout。Theplaywasbecomingquiteinteresting。Itwassofullofmovement。Buttheysaidthatwewerehalf-an-hourlateasitwas，andthattheydarednot。
　　Weleanedoutofthewindow，andwatchedforaslongaswecould;
　　andafterthevillagewaslosttoviewinthedistance，wecouldstill，bylisteningcarefully，hearthethuds，asoneafteranotheroftheinhabitantssatdownandbegantoswear。
　　Atabouteleveno’clockwehadsomebeer——youcangenerallyobtainsuchlightrefreshmentasbottledbeerandcoffeeandrollsfromtheguardonathroughlong-distancetraininGermany——tookoffourboots，andsaying"Good-night"toeachother，madeagreatshowofgoingtosleep。Butweneversucceededingettingthere。Theywantedtoseeone’stickettoooftenforonetogetfairlyoff。
　　Everyfewminutes，soitseemedtome，thoughinrealitytheintervalsmayperhapshavebeenlonger，aghostlyfacewouldappearatthecarriage-window，andasktoseeourtickets。
　　WheneveraGermanrailway-guardfeelslonesome，anddoesnotknowwhatelsetodowithhimself，hetakesawalkroundthetrain，andgetsthepassengerstoshowhimtheirtickets，afterwhichhereturnstohisboxcheeredandrefreshed。Somepeopleraveaboutsunsetsandmountainsandoldmasters;buttotheGermanrailway-
　　guardtheworldcanshownothingmoresatisfying，moreinspiring，thanthesightofarailway-ticket。
　　NearlyalltheGermanrailwayofficialshavethissamecravingfortickets。Ifonlytheygetsomebodytoshowthemarailway-ticket，theyarehappy。Itseemedaharmlessweaknessoftheirs，andB。andIdecidedthatitwouldbeonlykindtohumourtheminitduringourstay。
　　Accordingly，wheneverwesawaGermanrailwayofficialstandingabout，lookingsadandweary，wewentuptohimandshowedhimourtickets。Thesightwaslikearayofsunshinetohim;andallhiscarewasimmediatelyforgotten。Ifwehadnotaticketwithusatthetime，wewentandboughtone。Ameresinglethirdtothenextstationwouldgladdenhimsufficientlyinmostcases;butifthepoorfellowappearedverywoe-begone，andasifhewantedmorethanordinarycheeringup，wegothimasecond-classreturn。
　　ForthepurposeofourjourneytoOber-Ammergauandback，weeachcarriedwithusafoliocontainingsometenortwelvefirst-classticketsbetweendifferenttowns，coveringinalladistanceofsomethousandmiles;andoneafternoon，atMunich，seeingarailwayofficial，acloak-roomkeeper，whotheytoldushadlatelylosthisaunt，andwholookedexceptionallydejected，IproposedtoB。thatweshouldtakethismanintoaquietcorner，andbothofusshowhimallourticketsatonce——thewholetwentyortwenty-fourofthem——
　　andlethimtaketheminhishandandlookatthemforaslongasheliked。Iwantedtocomforthim。
　　B。，however，advisedagainstthesuggestion。Hesaidthatevenifitdidnotturntheman’shead（anditwasmorethanprobablethatitwould），somuchjealousywouldbecreatedagainsthimamongtheotherrailwaypeoplethroughoutGermany，thathislifewouldbemadeamiserytohim。
　　Soweboughtandshowedhimafirst-classreturntothenextstationbutone;anditwasquitepathetictowatchthepoorfellow’sfacebrightenupatthesight，andtoseethefaintsmilecreepbacktothelipsfromwhichithadsolongbeenabsent。
　　Butattimes，onewishesthattheGermanrailwayofficialwouldcontrolhispassionfortickets——or，atleast，keepitwithinduebounds。
　　Eventhemostkindly-heartedmangrowstiredofshowinghisticketalldayandnightlong，andthemiddleofawearisomejourneyisnotthepropertimeforamantocometothecarriage-windowandclamourtoseeyour"billet。"
　　Youarewearyandsleepy。Youdonotknowwhereyourticketis。
　　Youarenotquitesurethatyouhavegotaticket;orifyoueverhadone，somebodyhastakenitawayfromyou。Youhaveputitbyverycarefully，thinkingthatitwouldnotbewantedforhours，andhaveforgottenwhere。
　　Thereareelevenpocketsinthesuityouhaveon，andfivemoreintheovercoatontherack。Maybe，itisinoneofthosepockets。Ifnot，itispossiblyinoneofthebags——somewhere，orinyourpocket-book，ifyouonlyknewwherethatwas，oryourpurse。
　　Youbeginasearch。Youstandupandshakeyourself。Thenyouhaveanotherfeelallover。Youlookroundinthecourseoftheproceedings;andthesightofthecrowdofcuriousfaceswatchingyou，andofthemaninuniformwaitingwithhiseyefixedseverelyuponyou，conveytoyou，inyourthenstateofconfusion，themomentaryideathatthisisapolice-courtscene，andthatiftheticketisfounduponyou，youwillprobablygetfiveyears。
　　Uponthisyouvehementlyprotestyourinnocence。
　　"ItellyouIhaven’tgotit！"youexclaim;——"neverseenthegentleman’sticket。Youletmego！I——"
　　Herethesurpriseofyourfellow-passengersrecallsyoutoyourself，andyouproceedonyourexploration。Youoverhaulthebags，turningeverythingoutontothefloor，mutteringcursesonthewholerailwaysystemofGermanyasyoudoso。Thenyoufeelinyourboots。Youmakeeverybodynearyoustanduptoseeiftheyaresittinguponit，andyougodownonyourkneesandgrovelforitundertheseat。
　　"Youdidn’tthrowitoutofthewindowwithyoursandwiches，didyou？"asksyourfriend。
　　"No！DoyouthinkI’mafool？"youanswer，irritably。"WhatshouldIwanttodothatfor？"
　　Ongoingsystematicallyoveryourselfforaboutthetwentiethtime，youdiscoveritinyourwaistcoatpocket，andforthenexthalf-houryousitandwonderhowyoucametomissitonthepreviousnineteenoccasions。
　　Meanwhile，duringthistryingscene，theconductoftheguardhascertainlynottendedtoallayyouranxietyandnervousness。Allthetimethatyouhavebeenlookingforyourticket，hehasbeendoingsillytricksonthestepoutside，imperillinghislifebyeverymeansthatexperienceandingenuitycansuggest。
　　Thetrainisgoingattherateofthirtymilesanhour，theexpressspeedinGermany，andabridgecomesinsightcrossingovertheline。Onseeingthisbridge，theguard，holdingonbythewindow，leanshisbodyasfarbackaseveritwillgo。Youlookathim，andthenattherapidly-nearingbridge，andcalculatethatthearchwilljusttakehisheadoffwithoutinjuringanyotherpartofhimwhatever，andyouwonderwhethertheheadwillbejerkedintothecarriageorwillfalloutside。
　　Whenheisthreeinchesoffthebridge，hepullshimselfupstraight，andthebrickwork，asthetraindashesthrough，killsaflythatwastrespassingontheupperpartofhisrightear。
　　Then，whenthebridgeispassed，andthetrainisskirtingtheveryedgeofaprecipice，sothatastonedroppedjustoutsidethewindowwouldtumblestraightdown300feet，hesuddenlyletsgo，and，balancinghimselfonthefoot-boardwithoutholdingontoanything，commencestodanceasortofTeutoniccellar-flap，andtowarmhisbodybyflinginghisarmsaboutinthemannerofcabmenonacoldday。
　　ThefirstessentialtocomfortablerailwaytravellinginGermanyistomakeupyourmindnottocarearapwhethertheguardgetskilledinthecourseofthejourneyornot。AnytenderfeelingtowardstheguardmakesrailwaytravellingintheFatherlandasimpletorture。
　　Atfivea。m。（howfairandsweetandfreshtheearthlooksintheearlymorning！Thoselazypeoplewholieinbedtilleightorninemisshalfthebeautyoftheday，iftheybutknewit。ItisonlywewhoriseearlythatreallyenjoyNatureproperly）Igaveuptryingtogettosleep，andmademywaytothedressing-roomattheendofthecar，andhadawash。
　　Itisdifficulttowashintheselittleplaces，becausethecarsshakeso;andwhenyouhavegotbothyourhandsandhalfyourheadinthebasin，andareunabletoprotectyourself，thesidesoftheroom，andthewater-tapandthesoap-dish，andothercowardlythings，takeameanadvantageofyourhelplessnesstopunchyouashardasevertheycan;andwhenyoubackawayfromthese，thedoorswingsopenandslapsyoufrombehind。
　　Isucceeded，however，ingettingmyselffairlywetallover，evenifIdidnothingelse，andthenIlookedaboutforatowel。Ofcourse，therewasnotowel。Thatisthetrick。Theideaoftherailwayauthoritiesistolurethepassenger，byprovidinghimwithsoapandwaterandabasin，intogettinghimselfthoroughlysoaked，andthentoletitdawnuponhimthatthereisnotowel。Thatistheirnotionoffun！
　　Ithoughtofthehandkerchiefsinmybag，buttogettothemI
　　shouldhavetopasscompartmentscontainingladies，andIwasonlyinearlymorningdress。
　　SoIhadtowipemyselfwithanewspaperwhichIhappenedtohaveinmypocket，andamoreunsatisfactorythingtodryoneselfuponI
　　cannotconceive。
　　IwokeupB。whenIgotbacktothecarriage，andpersuadedhimtogoandhaveawash;andinlisteningtothedistantsoundofhisremarkswhenhelikewisediscoveredthattherewasnotowel，therecollectionofmyowndiscomfiturepassedgentlyaway。
　　Ah！howtrueitis，asgoodpeopletellus，thatinthinkingofthesorrowsofothers，welearntoforgetourown！
　　ForfiftymilesbeforeonereachesMunich，thelandisflat，stale，andapparentlyveryunprofitable，andthereislittletointerestthelooker-out。Hesitsstraininghiseyestowardsthehorizon，eagerlylongingforsomesignofthecitytocomeinsight。
　　Itliesverylow，however，anddoesallitcantoescapeobservation;anditisnotuntilheisalmostwithinitsstreetsthathediscoversit。
　　THERESTOFSUNDAY，THE25TH
　　WeSeekBreakfast。——IAirMyGerman。——TheArtofGesture。——TheIntelligenceofthePremiereDanseuse。——PerformanceofEnglishPantomimeinthePyrenees。——SadResultTherefrom。——The"GermanConversation"Book。——ItsNarrow-mindedViewofHumanWantsandAspirations。——SundayinMunich。——HansandGretchen。——HighLifev。
　　LowLife。——"ABeer-Cellar。"
　　AtMunichweleftourluggageatthestation，andwentinsearchofbreakfast。Ofcourse，ateighto’clockinthemorningnoneofthebigcafeswereopen;butatlength，besidesomegardens，wefoundanold-fashionedlookingrestaurant，fromwhichcameapleasantodourofcoffeeandhotonions;andwalkingthroughandseatingourselvesatoneofthelittletables，placedoutunderthetrees，wetookthebilloffareinourhands，andsummonedthewaitertoourside。
　　Iorderedthebreakfast。IthoughtitwouldbeagoodopportunityformetotrymyGerman。Iorderedcoffeeandrollsasagroundwork。Igotoverthatpartofmytaskveryeasily。WiththepracticeIhadhadduringthelasttwodays，Icouldhaveorderedcoffeeandrollsforforty。ThenIforagedroundforluxuries，andorderedagreensalad。IhadsomedifficultyatfirstinconvincingthemanthatitwasnotaboiledcabbagethatIwanted，butsucceededeventuallyingettingthatsillynotionoutofhishead。
　　IstillhadalittleGermanleft，evenafterthat。SoIorderedanomelettealso。
　　"Tellhimasavouryone，"saidB。，"orhewillbebringingussomethingfullofhotjamandchocolate-creams。Youknowtheirstyle。"
　　"Oh，yes，"Ianswered。"Ofcourse。Yes。Letmesee。WhatistheGermanforsavoury？"
　　"Savoury？"musedB。"Oh！ah！hum！BotheredifIknow！Confoundthething——Ican’tthinkofit！"
　　Icouldnotthinkofiteither。Asamatteroffact，Ineverknewit。WetriedthemanwithFrench。Wesaid：
　　"Uneomeletteauxfinesherbes。"
　　Ashedidnotappeartounderstandthat，wegaveithiminbadEnglish。Wetwistedandturnedtheunfortunateword"savoury"intosoundssoquaint，sosad，sounearthly，thatyouwouldhavethoughttheymighthavetouchedtheheartofasavage。ThisstoicalTeuton，however，remainedunmoved。Thenwetriedpantomime。
　　Pantomimeistolanguagewhatmarmalade，accordingtothelabelonthepot，istobutter，"anexcellent（occasional）substitute。"Butitspowersasaninterpreterofthoughtarelimited。Atleast，inreallifetheyareso。Asregardsaballet，itisdifficulttosaywhatisnotexplainablebypantomime。Ihaveseenthebadmaninaballetconveytothepremieredanseusebyasubtlemovementoftheleftleg，togetherwithsomeslightassistancefromthedrum，theheartrendingintelligencethattheladyshehadbeenbroughtuptobelievewashermotherwasinrealityonlyherauntbymarriage。
　　Butthenitmustbeborneinmindthatthepremieredanseuseisaladywhosequicknessofperceptionisaltogetherunique。Thepremieredanseuseknowspreciselywhatagentlemanmeanswhenhetwirlsroundforty-seventimesononeleg，andthenstandsonhishead。Theaverageforeignerwould，inallprobability，completelymisunderstandtheman。
　　Afriendofmineonce，duringatourinthePyrenees，triedtoexpressgratitudebymeansofpantomime。Hearrivedlateoneeveningatalittlemountaininn，wherethepeoplemadehimverywelcome，andsetbeforehimtheirbest;andhe，beinghungry，appreciatedtheirkindness，andateamostexcellentsupper。
　　Indeed，soexcellentamealdidhemake，andsokindandattentivewerehishoststohim，that，aftersupper，hefelthewantedtothankthem，andtoconveytothemsomeideaofhowpleasedandsatisfiedhewas。
　　Hecouldnotexplainhimselfinlanguage。HeonlyknewenoughSpanishtojustaskforwhathewanted——andeventodothathehadtobecarefulnottowantmuch。Hehadnotgotasfarassentimentandemotionatthattime。Accordinglyhestartedtoexpresshimselfinaction。Hestoodupandpointedtotheemptytablewherethesupperhadbeen，thenopenedhismouthandpointeddownhisthroat。
　　Thenhepattedthatregionofhisanatomywhere，soscientificpeopletellus，suppergoesto，andsmiled。
　　Hehasarathercurioussmile，hasmyfriend。Hehimselfisundertheimpressionthatthereissomethingverywinninginit，though，also，asheadmits，atouchofsadness。Theyuseitinhisfamilyforkeepingthechildreninorder。
　　Thepeopleoftheinnseemedratherastonishedathisbehaviour。
　　Theyregardedhim，withtroubledlooks，andthengatheredtogetheramongthemselvesandconsultedinwhispers。
　　"Ievidentlyhavenotmademyselfsufficientlycleartothesesimplepeasants，"saidmyfriendtohimself。"Imustputmorevigourintothisshow。"
　　AccordinglyherubbedandpattedthatpartofhimselftowhichI
　　havepreviouslyalluded——andwhich，beingamodestandproperlybrought-upyoungman，nothingonearthshallinducemetomentionmoreexplicitly——withgreaterenergythanever，andaddedanotherinchortwoofsmile;andhealsomadevariousgracefulmovementsindicative，ashethought，offriendlyfeelingandcontentment。
　　Atlengtharayofintelligenceburstuponthefacesofhishosts，andtheyrushedtoacupboardandbroughtoutasmallblackbottle。
　　"Ah！that’sdoneit，"thoughtmyfriend。"Nowtheyhavegraspedmymeaning。AndtheyarepleasedthatIampleased，andaregoingtoinsistonmydrinkingafinalfriendlybumperofwinewiththem，thegoodoldsouls！"
　　Theybroughtthebottleover，andpouredoutawineglassful，andhandedittohim，makingsignsthatheshoulddrinkitoffquickly。
　　"Ah！"saidmyfriendtohimself，ashetooktheglassandraisedittothelight，andwinkedatitwickedly，"thisissomerareoldspiritpeculiartothedistrict——someoldheirloomkeptspeciallyforthefavouredguest。"
　　Andheheldtheglassaloftandmadeaspeech，inwhichhewishedlonglifeandmanygrand-childrentotheoldcouple，andahandsomehusbandtothedaughter，andprosperitytothewholevillage。Theycouldnotunderstandhim，heknew;buthethoughttheremightbethatinhistonesandgesturesfromwhichtheywouldgatherthesenseofwhathewassaying，andunderstandhowkindlyhefelttowardsthemall。Whenhehadfinished，heputhishanduponhisheartandsmiledsomemore，andthentossedtheliquoroffatagulp。