INTRODUCTION
　　ThomasLovePeacockwasbornatWeymouthin1785。Hisfirstpoem，"TheGeniusoftheThames，"wasinitssecondeditionwhenhebecameoneofthefriendsofShelley。Thatwasin1812，whenShelley’sagewastwenty，Peacock’stwenty-seven。Theacquaintancestrengthened，untilPeacockbecamethefriendinwhosejudgmentShelleyputespecialtrust。Thereweremanypointsofagreement。
　　Peacock，atthattime，shared，inamorepracticalway，Shelley’sdesireforrootandbranchreform;bothworepoets，althoughnotequallygifted，andbothlovedPlatoandtheGreektragedians。In"CrotchetCastle"PeacockhasexpressedhisowndelightinGreekliteraturethroughthetalkoftheReverendDr。Folliott。
　　ButShelley’sfriendshipforPeacockincludedatrustinhimthatwasmaintainedbypointsofunlikeness。Peacockwasshrewdandwitty。Hedelightedinextravaganceofasatirewhichusuallysaidmorethanitmeant，butalwaysresteduponafoundationofgoodsense。Thenalsotherewasatouchofthepoettogivegracetotheutterancesofaclear-headedmanoftheworld。ItwasPeacockwhogaveitsnametoShelley’spoemof"Alastor，ortheSpiritofSolitude，"publishedin1816。The"SpiritofSolitude"beingtreatedasaspiritofevil，Peacocksuggestedcallingit"Alastor，"sincetheGreek[Greektext]meansanevilgenius。
　　Peacock’snovelsareunlikethoseofothermen：theyarethegenuineexpressionsofanoriginalandindependentmind。Hisreadingandhisthinkingrantogether;thereisfreequotation，freeplayofwitandsatire，graceofinventiontoo，butalwaysunconventional。Thestoryisalwayspleasant，althoughalwayssecondarytotheplayofthoughtforwhichitgivesoccasion。Hequarrelledwithverse，whimsicallybutinallseriousness，inanarticleon"TheFourAgesofPoetry，"contributedin1820toashort-livedjournal，"Ollier’sLiteraryMiscellany。"Thefourageswere，hesaid，theironage，theBardic;thegolden，theHomeric;
　　thesilver，theVirgilian;andthebrass，inwhichhehimselflived。"Apoetinourtime，"hesaid，"isasemi-barbarianinacivilisedcommunity……Thehighestinspirationsofpoetryareresolvableintothreeingredients：therantofunregulatedpassion，thewhiningofexaggeratedfeeling，andthecantoffactitioussentiment;andcan，therefore，serveonlytoripenasplendidlunaticlikeAlexander，apulingdrivellerlikeWerter，oramorbiddreamerlikeWordsworth。"Inanotherpartofthisessayhesays："Whilethehistorianandthephilosopherareadvancinginandacceleratingtheprogressofknowledge，thepoetiswallowingintherubbishofdepartedignorance，andrakinguptheashesofdeadsavagestofindgewgawsandrattlesforthegrownbabiesoftheage。Mr。Scottdigsupthepoacherandcattle-stealersoftheancientBorder。LordByroncruisesforthievesandpiratesontheshoresoftheMoreaandamongtheGreekislands。Mr。Southeywadesthroughponderousvolumesoftravelsandoldchronicles，fromwhichhecarefullyselectsallthatisfalse，useless，andabsurd，asbeingessentiallypoetical;andwhenhehasacommonplacebookfullofmonstrosities，stringsthemintoanepic。"Andsoforth;
　　Peacockgoingontocharacterise，infurtherillustrationofhisargument，Wordsworth，Coleridge，Moore，andCampbell。HedidnotrefertoShelley;andShelleyreadhisfriend’swhimsicalattackonpoetrywithallgoodhumour，proceedingtoreplytoitwitha"DefenceofPoetry，"whichwouldhaveappearedinthesamejournal，ifthejournalhadsurvived。Inthisnovelof"CrotchetCastle"
　　thereisthesamegood-humouredexaggerationinthetreatmentof"ourlearnedfriend"——LordBrougham——towhomandtowhoselaboursfortheDiffusionofUsefulKnowledgetherearerepeatedallusions。
　　InonecasePeacockassociatesthelaboursof"ourlearnedfriend"
　　forthegeneralinstructionofthemasseswithencouragementofrobbery（page172），andinanotherwithbody-snatching，or，worse，——
　　murderfordissection（page99）。"TheLorddelivermefromthelearnedfriend！"saysDr。Folliott。Brougham’selevationtoapeerageinNovember，1830，asLordBroughamandVaux，isreferredtoonpage177，whereheiscalledSirGuydoVaux。Itisnottobeforgotten，inthereading，thatthisstorywaswrittenin1831，theyearbeforethepassingoftheReformBill。Itendswithascenesuggestedbytheagriculturalriotsofthattime。Intheninthchapter，again，thereisapassagedealingwithSirWalterScottafterthefashionofthecriticismsinthe"FourAgesofPoetry。"Butthiscriticalsatiregavenobodypain。Alwaystherewasaground-workofgoodsense，andthebroadsweepofthesatirewasutterlyunlikethenibblingcensureofthemenwhosewitistaintedwithill-humour。Wemayseealsothatthepoet’snaturecannotbeexpelled。Inthisvolumeweshouldfindthetouchofapoet’shandinthetaleitselfwhendealingwiththeadventuresofMr。Chainmail，whilehestaysattheWelshmountaininn，ifthestorydidnotagainandagainbreakoutintoactualsong，foritincludeshalf-a-dozenlittlepoems。
　　WhenPeacockwrotehisattackonPoetry，hehad，onlytwoyearsbefore，producedapoemofhisown——"Rhododaphne"——withaGreekfancyofthetrueandthefalselovedaintilyworkedout。Itwashischiefworkinverse，andgavemuchpleasuretoafew，amongthemhisfriendShelley。Buthefeltthat，astheworldwent，hewasnotstrongenoughtohelpitbyhissinging，soheconfinedhiswritingtothenovels，inwhichhecouldspeakhismindinhisownway，whiledoinghisdutybyhiscountryintheEastIndiaHouse，whereheobtainedapostin1818。From1836to1856，whenheretiredonapension，hewasExaminerofIndiaCorrespondence。
　　Peacockdiedin1866，agedeighty-one。
　　H。M。
　　NOTEthatinthistaleMacQuedyisMacQ。E。D。，sonofademonstration;Mr。Skionar，thetranscendentalist，isnamedfromSki（as）onar，thedreamofashadow;andMr。Philpot，——wholovesrivers，isPhil（o）pot（amos）。
　　CROTCHETCASTLE
　　byThomasLovePeacockCHAPTERI：THEVILLA
　　CaptainJamy。Iwadfullfainhearsomequestion’tweenyoutway。
　　HENRYV。
　　Inoneofthosebeautifulvalleys，throughwhichtheThames（notyetpollutedbythetide，thescouringofcities，oreventheminordefilementofthesandystreamsofSurrey）rollsaclearfloodthroughflowerymeadows，undertheshadeofoldbeechwoods，andthesmoothmossygreenswardofthechalkhills（whichpourintoittheirtributaryrivulets，aspureandpellucidasthefountainofBandusium，orthewellsofScamander，bywhichthewivesanddaughtersoftheTrojanswashedtheirsplendidgarmentsinthedaysofpeace，beforethecomingoftheGreeks）;inoneofthosebeautifulvalleys，onaboldround-surfacedlawn，spottedwithjuniper，thatopeneditselfinthebosomofanoldwood，whichrosewithasteep，butnotprecipitousascent，fromtherivertothesummitofthehill，stoodthecastellatedvillaofaretiredcitizen。EbenezerMacCrotchet，Esquire，wastheLondon-bornoffspringofaworthynativeofthe"northcountrie，"whohadwalkeduptoLondononacommercialadventure，withallhissurpluscapital，notveryneatlytiedupinanotverycleanhandkerchief，suspendedoverhisshoulderfromtheendofahookedstick，extractedfromthefirsthedgeonhispilgrimage;andwho，afterhavingworkedhimselfasteportwouptheladderoflife，hadwonthevirginheartoftheonlydaughterofahighlyrespectablemerchantofDuke’sPlace，withwhomheinheritedthehonestfruitsofalongseriesofingenuousdealings。
　　Mr。MacCrotchethadderivedfromhismothertheinstinct，andfromhisfathertherationalprinciple，ofenrichinghimselfattheexpenseoftherestofmankind，byalltherecognisedmodesofaccumulationonthewindysideofthelaw。AfterpassingmanyyearsintheAlley，watchingtheturnofthemarket，andplayingmanygamesalmostasdesperateasthatofthesoldierofLucullus，thefearoflosingwhathehadsorighteouslygainedpredominatedoverthesacredthirstofpaper-money;hiscautiongotthebetterofhisinstinct，orrathertransferreditfromthedepartmentofacquisitiontothatofconservation。Hisfriend，Mr。Ramsbottom，thezodiacalmythologist，toldhimthathehaddonewelltowithdrawfromtheregionofUranusorBrahma，theMaker，tothatofSaturnorVeeshnu，thePreserver，beforehefellundertheeyeofJupiterorSeva，theDestroyer，whomighthavestruckhimdownatablow。
　　ItissaidthataScotchman，returninghomeaftersomeyears’
　　residenceinEngland，beingaskedwhathethoughtoftheEnglish，answered："Theyhannaowermucklesense，buttheyareanuncobrawpeopletoliveamang;"whichwouldbeaverygoodstory，ifitwerenotrenderedapocryphalbytheincrediblecircumstanceoftheScotchmangoingback。
　　Mr。MacCrotchet’sexperiencehadgivenhimajusttitletomake，inhisownperson，thelast-quotedobservation，buthewouldhaveknownbetterthantogoback，evenifhimself，andnothisfather，hadbeenthefirstcomerofhislinefromthenorth。HehadmarriedanEnglishChristian，and，havingnoneoftheScotchaccent，wasungraciousenoughtobeashamedofhisblood。HewasdesiroustoobliteratealiketheHebrewandCaledonianvestigesinhisname，andsignedhimselfE。M。Crotchet，whichbydegreesinducedthemajorityofhisneighbourstothinkthathisnamewasEdwardMatthew。ThemoreeffectuallytosinktheMac，hechristenedhisvilla"CrotchetCastle，"anddeterminedtohanddowntoposteritythehonoursofCrotchetofCrotchet。Hefounditessentialtohisdignitytofurnishhimselfwithacoatofarms，which，aftertheproperceremonies（paymentbeingtheprincipal），heobtained，videlicet：Crest，acrotchetrampant，inAsharp;
　　Arms，threeemptybladders，turgescent，toshowhowopinionsareformed;threebagsofgold，pendent，toshowwhytheyaremaintained;threenakedswords，tranchant，toshowhowtheyareadministered;andthreebarbers’blocks，gaspant，toshowhowtheyareswallowed。
　　Mr。Crotchetwasleftawidower，withtwochildren;and，afterthedeathofhiswife，sostrongwashissenseoftheblessedcomfortshehadbeentohim，thathedeterminednevertogiveanyotherwomananopportunityofobliteratingthehappyrecollection。
　　Hewasnotwithoutaplausiblepretenceforstylinghisvillaacastle，for，initsimmediatevicinity，andwithinhisownencloseddomain，werethemanifesttraces，onthebrowofthehill，ofaRomanstation，orcastellum，whichwasstillcalledthe"Castle"bythecountrypeople。Theprimitivemoundsandtrenches，merelyovergrownwithgreensward，withafewpatchesofjuniperandboxonthevallum，andasolitaryancientbeechsurmountingtheplaceofthepraetorium，presentednearlythesamedepths，heights，slopes，andforms，whichtheRomansoldiershadoriginallygiventhem。
　　FromthiscartelMr。Crotchetchristenedhisvilla。Withhisrusticneighbourshewas，ofcourse，immediatelyandnecessarilyasquire：SquireCrotchetoftheCastle;andheseemedtohimselftosettledownasnaturallyintoanEnglishcountrygentleman，asifhisparentagehadbeenasinnocentofbothScotlandandJerusalem，ashiseducationwasofRomeandAthens。
　　Butas，thoughyouexpelnaturewithapitch-fork，shewillyetalwayscomeback;hecouldnotbecome，likeatrue-bornEnglishsquire，partandparcelofthebarley-givingearth;hecouldnotfindingame-bagging，poacher-shooting，trespasser-pounding，footpath-stopping，common-enclosing，rack-renting，andalltheotherliberalpursuitsandpastimeswhichmakeacountrygentlemananornamenttotheworldandablessingtothepoor：hecouldnotfindinthesevaluableandamiableoccupations，andinacorrespondingrangeofideas，nearlycommensuratewiththatofthegreatKingNebuchadnezzarwhenhewasturnedouttograss;hecouldnotfindinthisgreatvarietyofusefulaction，andvastfieldofcomprehensivethought，modesoffillinguphistimethataccordedwithhisCaledonianinstinct。Theinbornloveofdisputation，whichtheexcitementsandengagementsofalifeofbusinesshadsmothered，burstforththroughthecalmersurfaceofarurallife。
　　HegrewasfainasCaptainJamy，"tohearsomeargumentbetwixtonytway，"andbeingveryhospitableinhisestablishment，andliberalinhisinvitations，anumerousdetachmentfromtheadvancedguardofthe"marchofintellect，"oftenmarcheddowntoCrotchetCastle。
　　WhenthefashionableseasonfilledLondonwithexhibitorsofalldescriptions，lecturersandelse，Mr。Crotchetwasinhisglory;
　　for，inadditiontotheperennialliteratiofthemetropolis，hehadtheadvantageofthevisitsofanumberofhardyannuals，chieflyfromthenorth，who，astheintervaloftheirmetropolitanfloweringallowed，occasionallyaccompaniedtheirLondonbrethreninexcursionstoCrotchetCastle。
　　Amongstotherthings，hetookverynaturallytopoliticaleconomy，readallthebooksonthesubjectwhichwereputforthbyhisowncountrymen，attendedalllecturesthereon，andboxedthetechnologyofthesublimescienceasexpertlyasanableseamanboxesthecompass。
　　Withthisagreeablemaniahehadthesatisfactionofbitinghisson，thehopeofhisnameandrace，whohadborneofffromOxfordthehighestacademicalhonours;andwho，treadinginhisfather’sfootstepstohonourandfortune，had，bymeansofaportionoftheoldgentleman’ssurpluscapital，madehimselfajuniorpartnerintheeminentloan-jobbingfirmofCatchflatandCompany。Here，inthedaysofpaperprosperity，heappliedhisscience-illuminedgeniustotheblowingofbubbles，theburstingofwhichsentmanyapoordeviltothegaol，theworkhouse，orthebottomoftheriver，butleftyoungCrotchetrollinginriches。
　　Thesericheshehadbeenonthepointofdoubling，byamarriagewiththedaughterofMr。Touchandgo，thegreatbanker，when，onefoggymorning，Mr。Touchandgoandthecontentsofhistillweresuddenlyreportedabsent;andasthefortunewhichtheyounggentlemanhadintendedtomarrywasnotforthcoming，thistenderaffairoftheheartwasnippedinthebud。
　　MissTouchandgodidnotmeettheshockofseparationquitesocomplacentlyastheyounggentleman：forhelostonlythelady，whereasshelostafortuneaswellasalover。Somejewels，whichhadglitteredonherbeautifulpersonasbrilliantlyasthebubbleofherfather’swealthhaddoneintheeyesofhisgudgeons，furnishedherwithasmallportionofpaper-currency;andthis，addedtothecontentsofafairypurseofgold，whichshefoundinhershoeontheeventfulmorningwhenMr。Touchandgomeltedintothinair，enabledhertoretreatintoNorthWales，whereshetookupherlodginginafarm-houseinMerionethshire，andboardedverycomfortablyforatriflingpayment，andtheadditionalconsiderationofteachingEnglish，French，andmusic，tothelittleAp-Llymrys。InthecourseofthisoccupationsheacquiredsufficientknowledgeofWelshtoconversewiththecountrypeople。
　　Sheclimbedthemountains，anddescendedthedingles，withafootwhichdailyhabitmadebydegreesalmostassteadyasanative’s。
　　Shebecamethenymphofthescene;andifshesometimespinedinthoughtforherfaithlessStrephon，hermelancholywasanythingbutgreenandyellow：itwasasgenuinewhiteandredasoccupation，mountainair，thyme-fedmutton，thickcream，andfatbaconcouldmakeit：tosaynothingofanoccasionalglassofdoubleX，whichAp-Llymry，whoyieldedtonomanwestoftheWrekininbrewage，neverfailedtopressuponheratdinnerandsupper。Hewasalsoearnest，andsometimessuccessful，intherecommendationofhismead，andmostpertinaciousonwinternightsinenforcingatrialofthevirtuesofhiselderwine。Theyounglady’spersonalappearance，consequently，formedaveryadvantageouscontrasttothatofherquondamlover，whosephysiognomytheintenseanxietiesofhisbubble-blowingdays，notwithstandingtheirtriumphantresult，hadleftblighted，sallowed，andcrow’s-footed，toadegreenotfarbelowthatofthefallenspiritwho，intheexpressivelanguageofGermanromance，isdescribedas"scathedbytheineradicabletracesofthethunderboltsofHeaven;"sothat，contemplatingtheirrelativegeologicalpositions，thepoordeserteddamselwasflourishingonslate，whileherrichandfalseyoungknightwaspiningonchalk。
　　SquireCrotchethadalsoonedaughter，whomhehadchristenedLemma，andwho，aslikelytobeendowedwithaveryamplefortunewas，ofcourse，anobjectverytemptingtomanyyoungsoldiersoffortune，whoweremarchingwiththemarchofmind，inagoodconditionfortakingcastles，asfarasnothavingagroatisaqualificationforsuchexploits。Shewasalsoaglitteringbaittodiversyoungsquiresexpectant（whosefathersweretoowellacquaintedwiththeoccultsignificationofmortgage），andeventooneortwosprigsofnobility，whothoughtthattheliningofacivicpursewouldsuperinduceaverypassablefactitiousnapuponathread-baretitle。Theyoungladyhadreceivedanexpensiveandcomplicatededucation，completeinalltheelementsofsuperficialdisplay。Shewasthuseminentlyqualifiedtobethecompanionofanymasculineluminarywhohadkeptduepacewiththe"astoundingprogress"ofintelligence。Itmustbeconfessed，thatamanwhohasnotkeptduepacewithit，isnotveryeasilyfound：thismarchbeingoneofthat"astounding"characterinwhichitseemsimpossiblethattherearcanbebehindthevan。Theyoungladywasalsotolerablygoodlooking：northofTweed，orinPalestine，shewouldprobablehavebeenabeauty;butforthevalleysoftheThamesshewasperhapsalittletoomuchtothetasteofSolomon，andhadanosewhichrathertooprominentlysuggestedtheideaofthetowerofLebanon，whichlookedtowardsDamascus。
　　InavillageinthevicinityoftheCastlewasthevicarageoftheReverendDoctorFolliott，agentlemanendowedwithatolerablestockoflearning，aninterminableswallow，andanindefatigablepairoflungs。Hispre-eminenceinthelatterfacultygaveoccasiontosomeetymologiststoringchangesonhisname，andtodecidethatitwasderivedfromFollisOptimus，softenedthroughanItalianmediumintoFolleOttimo，contractedpoeticallyintoFolleotto，andelidedAngliceintoFolliott，signifyingafirst-
　　ratepairofbellows。HeclaimedtobedescendedlineallyfromtheillustriousGilbertFolliott，theeminenttheologian，whowasaBishopofLondoninthetwelfthcentury，whosestudieswereinterruptedinthedeadofnightbytheDevil，whenacoupleofepigramspassedbetweenthem，andtheDevil，ofcourse，provedthesmallerwitofthetwo。
　　Thisreverendgentleman，beingbothlearnedandjolly，becamebydegreesanindispensableornamenttothenewsquire’stable。Mr。
　　Crotchethimselfwaseminentlyjolly，thoughbynomeanseminentlylearned。Inthelatterrespecthetookafterthegreatmajorityofthesonsofhisfather’sland;hadasmatteringofmanythings，andaknowledgeofnone;butpossessedthetruenorthernartofmakingthemostofhisintellectualharlequin’sjacket，bykeepingthebestpatchesalwaysbrightandprominent。
　　CHAPTERII：THEMARCHOFMIND
　　QuothRalpho：nothingbuttheabuseOfhumanlearningyouproduce。——BUTLER
　　"Godblessmysoul，sir！"exclaimedtheReverendDoctorFolliott，bursting，onefineMaymorning，intothebreakfast-roomatCrotchetCastle，"Iamoutofallpatiencewiththismarchofmind。Herehasmyhousebeennearlyburneddownbymycooktakingitintoherheadtostudyhydrostaticsinasixpennytract，publishedbytheSteamIntellectSociety，andwrittenbyalearnedfriendwhoisfordoingalltheworld’sbusinessaswellashisown，andisequallywellqualifiedtohandleeverybranchofhumanknowledge。Ihaveagreatabominationofthislearnedfriend;asauthor，lawyer，andpolitician，heistriformis，likeHecate;andineveryoneofhisthreeformsheisbifrons，likeJanus;thetrueMr。Facing-both-
　　waysofVanityFair。Mycookmustreadhisrubbishinbed;and，asmightnaturallybeexpected，shedroppedsuddenlyfastasleep，overturnedthecandle，andsetthecurtainsinablaze。Luckily，thefootmanwentintotheroomatthemoment，intimetoteardownthecurtainsandthrowthemintothechimney，andapitcherofwateronhernightcapextinguishedherwick;sheisagreasysubject，andwouldhaveburnedlikeashortmould。"
　　Thereverendgentlemanexhaledhisgrievancewithoutlookingtotherightortotheleft;atlength，turningonhispivot，heperceivedthattheroomwasfullofcompany，consistingofyoungCrotchet，andsomevisitorswhomhehadbroughtfromLondon。TheReverendDoctorFolliottwasintroducedtoMr。MacQuedy，theeconomist;Mr。
　　Skionar，thetranscendentalpoet;Mr。Firedamp，themeteorologist;
　　andLordBossnowl，sonoftheEarlofFoolincourt，andmemberfortheboroughofRogueingrain。
　　Thedivinetookhisseatatthebreakfast-table，andbegantocomposehisspiritsbythegentlesedativeofalargecupoftea，thedemulcentofawell-butteredmuffin，andthetonicofasmalllobster。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Youareamanoftaste，Mr。Crotchet。Amanoftasteisseenatonceinthearrayofhisbreakfast-table。ItisthefootofHercules，thefar-shiningfaceofthegreatwork，accordingtoPindar’sdoctrine：[Greektext]。Thebreakfastisthe[Greektext]ofthegreatworkoftheday。Chocolate，coffee，tea，cream，eggs，ham，tongue，coldfowl，allthesearegood，andbespeakgoodknowledgeinhimwhosetsthemforth：butthetouchstoneisfish：anchovyisthefirststep，prawnsandshrimpsthesecond;andIlaudhimwhoreacheseventothese：pottedcharandlampreysarethethird，andafinestretchofprogression;butlobsteris，indeed，matterforaMaymorning，anddemandsararecombinationofknowledgeandvirtueinhimwhosetsitforth。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，andwhatsayyoutoafinefreshtrout，hotanddry，inanapkin？oraherringoutofthewaterintothefrying-pan，ontheshoreofLochFyne？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，Isayeverynationhassomeeximiousvirtue;andyourcountryispre-eminentinthegloryoffishforbreakfast。Wehavemuchtolearnfromyouinthatlineatanyrate。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Andinmanyothers，sir，Ibelieve。Moralsandmetaphysics，politicsandpoliticaleconomy，thewaytomakethemostofallthemodificationsofsmoke;steam，gas，andpapercurrency;youhaveallthesetolearnfromus;inshort，alltheartsandsciences。WearethemodernAthenians。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。I，forone，sir，amcontenttolearnnothingfromyoubuttheartandscienceoffishforbreakfast。Becontent，sir，torivaltheBoeotians，whoseredeemingvirtuewasinfish，touchingwhichpointyoumayconsultAristophanesandhisscholiastinthepassageofLysistrata，[Greektext]，andleavethenameofAthenianstothosewhohaveasenseofthebeautiful，andaperceptionofmetricalquantity。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Then，sir，Ipresumeyousetnovalueontherightprinciplesofrent，profit，wages，andcurrency？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Myprinciples，sir，inthesethingsare，totakeasmuchasIcanget，andpaynomorethanIcanhelp。Theseareeveryman’sprinciples，whethertheybetherightprinciplesorno。There，sir，ispoliticaleconomyinanutshell。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Theprinciples，sir，whichregulateproductionandconsumptionareindependentofthewillofanyindividualastogivingortaking，anddonotlieinanutshellbyanymeans。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，Iwillthankyouforalegofthatcapon。
　　LORDBOSSNOWL。But，sir，by-the-bye，howcameyourfootmantobegoingintoyourcook’sroom？Itwasveryprovidentialtobesure，but-
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sir，asgoodcameofit，Ishutmyeyes，andasknoquestions。Isupposehewasgoingtostudyhydrostatics，andhefoundhimselfunderthenecessityofpractisinghydraulics。
　　MR。FIREDAMP。Sir，youseemtomakeverylightofscience。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Yes，sir，suchscienceasthelearnedfrienddealsin：everythingforeverybody，scienceforall，schoolsforall，rhetoricforall，lawforall，physicforall，wordsforall，andsensefornone。Isay，sir，lawforlawyers，andcookeryforcooks：andIwishthelearnedfriend，forallhislife，acookthatwillpasshertimeinstudyinghisworks;theneverydinnerhesitsdowntoathome，hewillsitonthestoolofrepentance。
　　LORDBOSSNOWL。Nowreallythatwouldbetoosevere：mycookshouldreadnothingbutUde。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir！letUdeandthelearnedfriendsingefowlstogether;letbothavauntfrommykitchen。[Greektext]。
　　Udesaysanelegantsuppermaybegivenwithsandwiches。Horrescoreferens。Anelegantsupper。Dimeliorapiis。NoUdeforme。
　　Convivialitywentoutwithpunchandsuppers。Icherishtheirmemory。IsupwhenIcan，butnotuponsandwiches。Tooffermeasandwich，whenIamlookingforasupper，istoaddinsulttoinjury。Letthelearnedfriend，andthemodernAthenians，supuponsandwiches。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Nay，sir;themodernAtheniansknowbetterthanthat。AliterarysupperinsweetEdinbro’wouldcureyouoftheprejudiceyouseemtocherishagainstus。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，well;thereiscogencyinagoodsupper;agoodsupperinthesedegeneratedaysbespeaksagoodman;
　　butmuchmoreiswantedtomakeupanAthenian。Athenians，indeed！
　　whereisyourtheatre？whoamongyouhaswrittenacomedy？whereisyourAtticsalt？whichofyoucantellwhowasJupiter’sgreat-
　　grandfather？orwhatmetreswillsuccessivelyremain，ifyoutakeoffthethreefirstsyllables，onebyone，fromapureantispasticacatalectictetrameter？Now，sir，therearethreequestionsforyou：theatrical，mythological，andmetrical;toeveryoneofwhichanAthenianwouldgiveananswerthatwouldlaymeprostrateinmyownnothingness。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，astoyourmetreandyourmythology，theymaye’enwaitawee。Foryourcomedythereisthe"GentleShepherd"ofthedivineAllanRamsay。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。The"GentleShepherd"！ItisjustasmuchacomedyastheBookofJob。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，ifnoneofushavewrittenacomedy，I
　　cannotseethatitisanysuchgreatmatter，anymorethanIcanconjecturewhatbusinessamancanhaveatthistimeofdaywithJupiter’sgreat-grandfather。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thegreatbusinessis，sir，thatyoucallyourselvesAthenians，whileyouknownothingthattheAtheniansthoughtworthknowing，anddarenotshowyournosesbeforethecivilisedworldinthepracticeofanyoneartinwhichtheywereexcellent。ModernAthens，sir！theassumptionisapersonalaffronttoeverymanwhohasaSophoclesinhislibrary。Iwillthankyouforananchovy。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Metaphysics，sir;metaphysics。Logicandmoralphilosophy。Thereweareathome。TheAtheniansonlysoughttheway，andwehavefoundit;andtoallthiswehaveaddedpoliticaleconomy，thescienceofsciences。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ahyperbarbaroustechnology，thatnoAthenianearcouldhaveborne。Premisesassumedwithoutevidence，orinspiteofit;andconclusionsdrawnfromthemsologically，thattheymustnecessarilybeerroneous。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Icannotagreewithyou，Mr。MacQuedy，thatyouhavefoundthetrueroadofmetaphysics，whichtheAtheniansonlysought。TheGermanshavefoundit，sir：thesublimeKantandhisdisciples。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。IhavereadthesublimeKant，sir，withananxiousdesiretounderstandhim，andIconfessIhavenotsucceeded。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hewantsthetwogreatrequisitesofheadandtail。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Transcendentalismisthephilosophyofintuition，thedevelopmentofuniversalconvictions;truthswhichareinherentintheorganisationofmind，whichcannotbeobliterated，thoughtheymaybeobscured，bysuperstitiousprejudiceontheonehand，andbytheAristotelianlogicontheother。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，Ihavenonotionoflogicobscuringaquestion。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Thereisonlyonetruelogic，whichisthetranscendental;andthiscanproveonlytheonetruephilosophy，whichisalsothetranscendental。ThelogicofyourModernAthenscanproveeverythingequally;andthatis，inmyopinion，tantamounttoprovingnothingatall。
　　MR。CROTCHET。Thesentimentalagainsttherational，theintuitiveagainsttheinductive，theornamentalagainsttheuseful，theintenseagainstthetranquil，theromanticagainsttheclassical;
　　thesearegreatandinterestingcontroversies，whichIshouldlike，beforeIdie，toseesatisfactorilysettled。
　　MR。FIREDAMP。Thereisanothergreatquestion，greaterthanallthese，seeingthatitisnecessarytobealiveinordertosettleanyquestion;andthisisthequestionofwateragainsthumanlife。
　　Whereverthereiswater，thereismalaria，andwhereverthereismalaria，therearetheelementsofdeath。Thegreatobjectofawisemanshouldbetoliveonagravellyhill，withoutsomuchasaduck-pondwithintenmilesofhim，eschewingcisternsandwaterbutts，andtakingcarethattherebenogravel-pitsforlodgingtherain。Thesunsucksupinfectionfromwater，whereveritexistsonthefaceoftheearth。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，youhaveforyoutheauthorityoftheancientmystagogue，whosaid：[Greektext]。FormypartI
　　carenotarush（oranyotheraquaticandinesculentvegetable）whoorwhatsucksupeitherthewaterortheinfection。Ithinktheproximityofwineamatterofmuchmoreimportancethanthelonginquityofwater。YouareherewithinaquarterofamileoftheThames，butinthecellarofmyfriend，Mr。Crotchet，thereisthetalismanicantidoteofathousanddozenofoldwine;abeautifulspectacle，Iassureyou，andamodelofarrangement。
　　MR。FIREDAMP。Sir，Ifeelthemalignantinfluenceoftheriverineverypartofmysystem。NothingbutmygreatfriendshipforMr。
　　Crotchetwouldhavebroughtmesonearlywithinthejawsofthelion。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Afterdinner，sir，afterdinner，Iwillmeetyouonthisquestion。Ishallthenbearmedforthestrife。YoumayfightlikeHerculesagainstAchelous，butIshallflourishtheBacchicthyrsus，whichchangedriversintowine：asNonnussweetlysings，[Greektext]。
　　MR。CROTCHET，JUN。Ihope，Mr。Firedamp，youwillletyourfriendshipcarryyoualittlecloserintothejawsofthelion。I
　　amfittingupaflotillaofpleasure-boats，withspaciouscabins，andagoodcellar，tocarryachoicephilosophicalpartyuptheThamesandSevern，intotheEllesmerecanal，whereweshallbeamongthemountainsofNorthWales;whichwemayclimbornot，aswethinkproper;butwewill，atanyrate，keepourfloatinghotelwellprovisioned，andwewilltrytosettleallthequestionsoverwhichashadowofdoubtyethangsintheworldofphilosophy。
　　MR。FIREDAMP。Outofmygreatfriendshipforyou，Iwillcertainlygo;butIdonotexpecttosurvivetheexperiment。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。AltererittumTiphys，etalteraquaevehatArgoDelectosHeroas。Iwillbeoftheparty，thoughImusthireanofficiatingcurate，anddeprivepoordearMrs。Folliott，forseveralweeks，ofthepleasureofcombingmywig。
　　LORDBOSSNOWL。Ihope，ifIamtobeoftheparty，ourshipisnottobetheshipoffools：He！he！
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ifyouareoneoftheparty，sir，itmostassuredlywillnot：Ha！ha！
　　LORDBOSSNOWL。Praysir，whatdoyoumeanbyHa！ha！？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Precisely，sir，whatyoumeanbyHe！he！
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Youneednotdisputeaboutterms;theyaretwomodesofexpressingmerriment，withorwithoutreason;reasonbeinginnowayessentialtomirth。Nomanshouldaskanotherwhyhelaughs，oratwhat，seeingthathedoesnotalwaysknow，andthat，ifhedoes，heisnotaresponsibleagent。Laughterisaninvoluntaryactionofcertainmuscles，developedinthehumanspeciesbytheprogressofcivilisation。Thesavageneverlaughs。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。No，sir，hehasnothingtolaughat。GivehimModernAthens，the"learnedfriend，"andtheSteamIntellectSociety。Theywilldevelophismuscles。
　　CHAPTERIII：THEROMANCAMP
　　Helovedhermorethensevenyere，Yetwasheofherloveneverthenere;
　　Hewasnotrycheofgoldeandfe，Agentyllmanforsothwashe。
　　TheSquyrofLoweDegre。
　　TheReverendDoctorFolliotthavingpromisedtoreturntodinner，walkedbacktohisvicarage，meditatingwhetherheshouldpassthemorninginwritinghisnextsermon，orinanglingfortrout，andhadnearlydecidedinfavourofthelatterproposition，repeatingtohimself，withgreatunction，thelinesofChaucer：
　　Andasforme，thoughthatIcanbutlite，OnbokisfortoreadImedelite，Andto’hemyeveIfaitheandfullcredence，Andinminehertehave’heminreverence，Sohertily，thatthereisgamenone，Thatfromybokismakithmetogone，Butitbeseldome，ontheholiedaie;
　　SavecertainlywhanthatthemonthofMaieIscousin，andIherethefoulissing，Andthattheflourisginninfortospring，Farwellmybokeandmydevocion：
　　whenhisattentionwasattractedbyayounggentlemanwhowassittingonacampstoolwithaportfolioonhisknee，takingasketchoftheRomanCamp，which，ashasbeenalreadysaid，waswithintheencloseddomainofMr。Crotchet。Theyoungstranger，whohadclimbedoverthefence，espyingtheportlydivine，roseup，andhopedthathewasnottrespassing。"Bynomeans，sir，"saidthedivine，"alltheartsandsciencesarewelcomehere;music，painting，andpoetry;hydrostaticsandpoliticaleconomy;
　　meteorology，transcendentalism，andfishforbreakfast。"
　　THESTRANGER。Apleasantassociation，sir，andaliberalanddiscriminatinghospitality。ThisisanoldBritishcamp，I
　　believe，sir？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Roman，sir;Roman;undeniablyRoman。Thevallumispastcontroversy。Itwasnotacamp，sir，acastrum，butacastellum，alittlecamp，orwatch-station，towhichwasattached，onthepeakoftheadjacenthill，abeaconfortransmittingalarms。Youwillfindsuchhereandthere，allalongtherangeofchalkhills，whichtraversesthecountryfromnorth-
　　easttosouth-west，andalongthebaseofwhichrunstheancientIknieldroad，whereofyoumaydescryaportioninthatlongstraightwhiteline。
　　THESTRANGER。Ibegyourpardon，sir;doIunderstandthisplacetobeyourproperty？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Itisnotmine，sir：themoreisthepity;yetisitsofarwell，thattheownerismygoodfriend，andahighlyrespectablegentleman。
　　THESTRANGER。Goodandrespectable，sir，Itakeit，meansrich？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Thatistheirmeaning，sir。
　　THESTRANGER。IunderstandtheownertobeaMr。Crotchet。Hehasahandsomedaughter，Iamtold。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hehas，sir。Hereyesarelikethefish-poolsofHeshbon，bythegateofBethrabbim;andsheistohaveahandsomefortune，towhichdiversdisinterestedgentlemenarepayingtheiraddresses。Perhapsyoudesigntobeoneofthem？
　　THESTRANGER。No，sir;Ibegpardonifmyquestionsseemimpertinent;Ihavenosuchdesign。Thereisasontoo，Ibelieve，sir，agreatandsuccessfulblowerofbubbles？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Ahero，sir，inhisline。NeverdidanglerinSeptemberhookmoregudgeons。
　　THESTRANGER。Tosaythetruth，twoveryamiableyoungpeople，withwhomIhavesomelittleacquaintance，LordBossnowl，andhissister，LadyClarinda，arereportedtobeonthepointofconcludingadoublemarriagewithMissCrotchetandherbrother;bywayofputtinganewvarnishonoldnobility。LordFoolincourt，theirfather，isterriblypoorforalordwhoownsaborough。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Well，sir，theCrotchetshaveplentyofmoney，andtheoldgentleman’sweakpointisahankeringafterhighblood。
　　Isawyouracquaintance，LordBossnowl，thismorning，butIdidnotseehissister。Shemaybethere，nevertheless，anddoingfashionablejusticetothisfineMaymorning，bylyinginbedtillnoon。
　　THESTRANGER。YoungMr。Crotchet，sir，hasbeen，likehisfather，thearchitectofhisownfortune，hashenot？Anillustriousexampleoftherewardofhonestyandindustry？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Astohonesty，sir，hemadehisfortuneinthecityofLondon，andifthatcommoditybeofanyvaluethere，youwillfinditinthepricecurrent。Ibelieveitisbelowpar，likethesharesofyoungCrotchet’sfiftycompanies。Buthisprogresshasnotbeenexactlylikehisfather’s。Ithasbeenmorerapid，andhestartedwithmoreadvantages。Hebeganwithafinecapitalfromhisfather。Theoldgentlemandividedhisfortuneintothreenotexactlyequalportions;oneforhimself，oneforhisdaughter，andoneforhisson，whichhehandedovertohim，saying，"Takeitonceforall，andmakethemostofit;ifyouloseitwhereIwonit，notanotherstiverdoyougetfrommeduringmylife。"But，sir，youngCrotchetdoubled，andtrebled，andquadrupledit，andis，asyousay，astrikingexampleoftherewardofindustry;notthatIthinkhislabourhasbeensogreatashisluck。
　　THESTRANGER。But，sir，isallthissolid？istherenodangerofreaction？nodayofreckoningtocutdowninanhourprosperitythathasgrownuplikeamushroom？
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Nay，sir，Iknownot。Idonotpryintothesematters。Iam，formyownpart，verywellsatisfiedwiththeyounggentleman。Letthosewhoarenotsolooktothemselves。ItisquiteenoughformethathecamedownlastnightfromLondon，andthathehadthegoodsensetobringwithhimabasketoflobsters。
　　Sir，Iwishyouagoodmorning。
　　Thestrangerhavingreturnedthereverendgentleman’sgoodmorning，resumedhissketch，andwasintentlyemployedonitwhenMr。
　　CrotchetmadehisappearancewithMr。MacQuedyandMr。Skionar，whomhewasescortingroundhisgrounds，accordingtohiscustomwithnewvisitors;theprincipalpleasureofpossessinganextensivedomainbeingthatofshowingittootherpeople。Mr。MacQuedy，accordingalsotothelaudablecustomofhiscountrymen，hadbeenappraisingeverythingthatfellunderhisobservation;but，onarrivingattheRomancamp，ofwhichthevaluewaspurelyimaginary，hecontentedhimselfwithexclaiming："Eh！thisisjustacuriosity，andverypleasanttositinonasummerday。"
　　MR。SKIONAR。Andcallupthedaysofold，whentheRomaneaglespreaditswingsintheplaceofthatbeechenfoliage。Itgivesafineideaofduration，tothinkthatthatfineoldtreemusthavesprungfromtheearthagesafterthiscampwasformed。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Howold，thinkyou，maythetreebe？
　　MR。CROTCHET。Ihaverecordswhichshowittobethreehundredyearsold。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Thatisagreatageforabeechingoodcondition。
　　Butyouseethecampissomefifteenhundredyears，orso，older;
　　andthreetimessixbeingeighteen，Ithinkyougetaclearerideaofdurationoutofthesimplearithmetic，thanoutofyoureagleandfoliage。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Thatisaveryunpoetical，ifnotunphilosophical，modeofviewingantiquities。Yourphilosophyistooliteralforourimperfectvision。Wecannotlookdirectlyintothenatureofthings;wecanonlycatchglimpsesofthemightyshadowinthecameraobscuraoftranscendentalintelligence。Thesesixandeighteenareonlywordstowhichwegiveconventionalmeanings。Wecanreason，butwecannotfeel，byhelpofthem。Thetreeandtheeagle，contemplatedintheidealityofspaceandtime，becomesubjectiverealities，thatriseupaslandmarksinthemysteryofthepast。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Well，sir，ifyouunderstandthat，Iwishyoujoy。
　　ButImustbeexcusedforholdingthatmyproposition，threetimessixareeighteen，ismoreintelligiblethanyours。Aworthyfriendofmine，whoisasortofamateurinphilosophy，criticism，politics，andaweebitofmanythingsmore，says："Menneverbegintostudyantiquitiestilltheyaresaturatedwithcivilisation。"
　　MR。SKIONAR。Whatiscivilisation？
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Itisjustrespectforproperty。Astateinwhichnomantakeswrongfullywhatbelongstoanother，isaperfectlycivilisedstate。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Yourfriend’santiquariesmusthavelivedinElDorado，tohavehadanopportunityofbeingsaturatedwithsuchastate。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Itisaquestionofdegree。ThereismorerespectforpropertyherethaninAngola。
　　MR。SKIONAR。Thatdependsonthelightinwhichthingsareviewed。
　　Mr。Crotchetwasrubbinghishands，inhopesofafinediscussion，whentheycameroundtothesideofthecampwherethepicturesquegentlemanwassketching。Thestrangerwasrisingup，whenMr。
　　Crotchetbeggedhimnottodisturbhimself，andpresentlywalkedawaywithhistwoguests。
　　Shortlyafter，MissCrotchetandLadyClarinda，whohadbreakfastedbythemselves，madetheirappearanceatthesamespot，hangingeachonanarmofLordBossnowl，whoverymuchpreferredtheircompanytothatofthephilosophers，thoughhewouldhavepreferredthecompanyofthelatter，oranycompanytohisown。Hethoughtitverysingularthatsoagreeableapersonasheheldhimselftobetoothers，shouldbesoexceedinglytiresometohimself：hedidnotattempttoinvestigatethecauseofthisphenomenon，butwascontentedwithactingonhisknowledgeofthefact，andgivinghimselfaslittleofhisownprivatesocietyaspossible。
　　Thestrangerroseastheyapproached，andwasimmediatelyrecognisedbytheBossnowlsasanoldacquaintance，andsalutedwiththeexclamationof"CaptainFitzchrome！"TheinterchangeofsalutationsbetweenLadyClarindaandtheCaptainwasaccompaniedwithanamiableconfusiononbothsides，inwhichtheobservanteyesofMissCrotchetseemedtoreadtherecollectionofanaffairoftheheart。
　　LordBossnowlwaseitherunconsciousofanysuchaffair，orindifferenttoitsexistence。HeintroducedtheCaptainverycordiallytoMissCrotchet;andtheyoungladyinvitedhim，asthefriendoftheirguests，topartakeofherfather’shospitality，anofferwhichwasreadilyaccepted。
　　TheCaptaintookhisportfoliounderhisrightarm，hiscampstoolinhisrighthand，offeredhisleftarmtoLadyClarinda，andfollowedatareasonabledistancebehindMissCrotchetandLordBossnowl，contriving，inthemostnaturalmannerpossible，todropmoreandmoreintotherear。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Iamgladtoseeyoucanmakeyourselfsohappywithdrawingoldtreesandmoundsofgrass。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Happy，LadyClarinda！oh，no！HowcanIbehappywhenIseetheidolofmyheartabouttobesacrificedontheshrineofMammon？
　　LADYCLARINDA。Doyouknow，thoughMammonhasasortofillname，Ireallythinkheisaverypopularcharacter;theremustbeatthebottomsomethingamiableabouthim。Heiscertainlyoneofthosepleasantcreatureswhomeverybodyabuses，butwithoutwhomnoeveningpartyisendurable。Idaresay，loveinacottageisverypleasant;butthenitpositivelymustbeacottageornee：butwouldnotthesamelovebeagreatdealsaferinacastle，evenifMammonfurnishedthefortification？
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Oh，LadyClarinda！thereisaheartlessnessinthatlanguagethatchillsmetothesoul。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Heartlessness！No：myheartisonmylips。I
　　speakjustwhatIthink。Youusedtolikeit，andsayitwasasdelightfulasitwasrare。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。True，butyoudidnotthentalkasyoudonow，ofloveinacastle。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Well，butonlyconsider：adunisahorridlyvulgarcreature;itisacreatureIcannotendurethethoughtof：
　　andacottageletshiminsoeasily。Nowacastlekeepshimatbay。Youareahalf-payofficer，andareatleisuretocommandthegarrison：butwhereisthecastle？andwhoistofurnishthecommissariat？
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Isitcometothis，thatyoumakeajestofmypoverty？Yetismypovertyonlycomparative。Manydecentfamiliesaremaintainedonsmallermeans。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Decentfamilies：ay，decentisthedistinctionfromrespectable。Respectablemeansrich，anddecentmeanspoor。
　　IshoulddieifIheardmyfamilycalleddecent。Andthenyourdecentfamilyalwayslivesinasnuglittleplace：Ihatealittleplace;Ilikelargeroomsandlargelooking-glasses，andlargeparties，andafinelargebutler，withatingeofsmoothredinhisface;anoutwardandvisiblesignthatthefamilyheservesisrespectable;ifnotnoble，highlyrespectable。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Icannotbelievethatyousayallthisinearnest。NomanislessdisposedthanIamtodenytheimportanceofthesubstantialcomfortsoflife。Ionceflatteredmyselfthatinourestimateofthesethingswewerenearlyofamind。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Doyouknow，Ithinkanopera-boxaverysubstantialcomfort，andacarriage。Youwilltellmethatmanydecentpeoplewalkarm-in-armthroughthesnow，andsitinclogsandbonnetsinthepitattheEnglishtheatre。Nodoubtitisverypleasanttothosewhoareusedtoit;butitisnottomytaste。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Youalwaysdelightedintryingtoprovokeme;
　　butIcannotbelievethatyouhavenotaheart。
　　LADYCLARINDA。YoudonotliketobelievethatIhaveaheart，youmean。YouwishtothinkIhavelostit，andyouknowtowhom;andwhenItellyouthatitisstillsafeinmyownkeeping，andthatI
　　donotmeantogiveitaway，theunreasonablecreaturegrowsangry。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Angry！farfromit;Iamperfectlycool。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Why，youarepursingyourbrows，bitingyourlips，andliftingupyourfootasifyouwouldstampitintotheearth。
　　Imustsayangerbecomesyou;youwouldmakeacharmingHotspur。
　　Yourevery-day-dining-outfaceisratherinsipid：butIassureyoumyheartisindangerwhenyouareintheheroics。Itissorare，too，inthesedaysofsmoothmanners，toseeanythinglikenaturalexpressioninaman’sface。Thereisonesetformforeveryman’sfaceinfemalesociety：asortofseriouscomedywalkinggentleman’sface：butthemomentthecreaturefallsinlovehebeginstogivehimselfairs，andplaysoffallthevarietiesofhisphysiognomyfromtheMasterSlendertothePetruchio;andthenheisactuallyveryamusing。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Well，LadyClarinda，Iwillnotbeangry，amusingasitmaybetoyou：Ilistenmoreinsorrowthaninanger。Ihalfbelieveyouinearnest：andmournasoverafallenangel。
　　LADYCLARINDA。What，becauseIhavemadeupmymindnottogiveawaymyheartwhenIcansellit？Iwillintroduceyoutomynewacquaintance，Mr。MacQuedy：hewilltalktoyoubythehouraboutexchangeablevalue，andshowyouthatnorationalbeingwillpartwithanything，excepttothehighestbidder。
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Now，Iamsureyouarenotinearnest。Youcannotadoptsuchsentimentsintheirnakeddeformity。
　　LADYCLARINDA。Nakeddeformity！Why，Mr。MacQuedywillprovetoyouthattheyarethecreamofthemostrefinedphilosophy。Youliveaverypleasantlifeasabachelor，rovingaboutthecountrywithyourportfoliounderyourarm。Iamnotfittobeapoorman’swife。Icannottakeanykindoftrouble，ordoanyonethingthatisofanyuse。Manydecentfamiliesroastabitofmuttononastring;butifIdispleasemyfatherIshallnothaveasmuchaswillbuythestring，tosaynothingofthemeat;andthebareideaofsuchcookerygivesmethehorrors。
　　BythistimetheywereneartheCastle，andmetMissCrotchetandhercompanion，whohadturnedbacktomeetthem。CaptainFitzchromewasshortlyafterheartilywelcomedbyMr。Crotchet，andthepartyseparatedtodressfordinner，theCaptainbeingbynomeansinanenviablestateofmind，andfullofmisgivingsastotheextentofbeliefthathewasboundtoaccordtothewordsoftheladyofhisheart。
　　CHAPTERIV：THEPARTY
　　Enquoicognoissez-vouslafolieanticque？Enquoicognoissez-vouslasagessepresente？——RABELAIS。
　　"IfIweresketchingabanditwhohadjustshothislastpursuer，havingoutrunalltherest，thatistheveryfaceIwouldgivehim，"soliloquisedtheCaptain，ashestudiedthefeaturesofhisrivalinthedrawing-room，duringthemiserablehalf-hourbeforedinner，whendulnessreignspredominantoverexpectantcompany，especiallywhentheyarewaitingforsomeonelastcomer，whomtheyallheartilycurseintheirhearts，andwhom，nevertheless，orindeedtherefore-the-more，theywelcomeasasinner，moreheartilythanallthejustpersonswhohadbeenpunctualtotheirengagement。Somenewvisitorshadarrivedinthemorning，and，asthecompanydroppedinonebyone，theCaptainanxiouslywatchedtheunclosingdoorfortheformofhisbeloved：butshewasthelasttomakeherappearance，andonherentrygavehimamaliciousglance，whichheconstruedintoatelegraphiccommunicationthatshehadstayedawaytotormenthim。YoungCrotchetescortedherwithmarkedattentiontotheupperendofthedrawing-room，whereagreatportionofthecompanywascongregatedaroundMissCrotchet。
　　Thesebeingtheonlyladiesinthecompany，itwasevidentthatoldMr。CrotchetwouldgivehisarmtoLadyClarinda，anarrangementwithwhichtheCaptaincouldnotinterfere。Hethereforetookhisstationnearthedoor，studyinghisrivalfromadistance，anddeterminedtotakeadvantageofhispresentposition，tosecuretheseatnexttohischarmer。Hewasmeditatingonthebestmodeofoperationforsecuringthisimportantpostwithdueregardtobien-
　　seance，whenhewastwitchedbythebuttonbyMr。MacQuedy，whosaidtohim："LadyClarindatellsme，sir，thatyouareanxioustotalkwithmeonthesubjectofexchangeablevalue，fromwhichI
　　inferthatyouhavestudiedpoliticaleconomy，andasagreatdealdependsonthedefinitionofvalue，Ishallbegladtosetyourightonthatpoint。""Iammuchobligedtoyou，sir，"saidtheCaptain，andwasabouttoexpresshisutterdisqualificationfortheproposedinstruction，whenMr。Skionarwalkedupandsaid：
　　"LadyClarindainformsmethatyouwishtotalkoverwithmethequestionofsubjectivereality。Iamdelightedtofallinwithagentlemanwhodailyappreciatesthetranscendentalphilosophy。"
　　"LadyClarindaistoogood，"saidtheCaptain;andwasabouttoprotestthathehadneverheardtheword"transcendental"before，whenthebutlerannounceddinner。Mr。CrotchetledthewaywithLadyClarinda：LordBossnowlfollowedwithMissCrotchet：theeconomistandtranscendentalistpinnedintheCaptain，andheldhim，onebyeacharm，asheimpatientlydescendedthestairsintherearofseveralothersofthecompany，whomtheyhadforcedhimtoletpass;butthemomentheenteredthedining-roomhebrokeloosefromthem，andattheexpenseofalittlebrusquerie，securedhisposition。
　　"Well，Captain，"saidLadyClarinda，"Iperceiveyoucanstillmanoeuvre。"
　　"Whatcouldpossessyou，"saidtheCaptain，"tosendtwounendurableandinconceivableborestointerceptmewithrubbishaboutwhichIneitherknownorcareanymorethanthemaninthemoon？"
　　"Perhaps，"saidLadyClarinda，"Isawyourdesign，andwishedtoputyourgeneralshiptothetest。ButdonotcontradictanythingI
　　havesaidaboutyou，andseeifthelearnedwillfindyouout。"
　　"Thereisfinemusic，asRabelaisobserves，inthecliquetisd’asssiettes，arefreshingshadeintheombredesalleamanger，andanelegantfragranceinthefumeederoti，"saidavoiceattheCaptain’selbow。TheCaptainturninground，recognisedhisclericalfriendofthemorning，whoknewhimagainimmediately，andsaidhewasextremelygladtomeethimthere;moreespeciallyasLadyClarindahadassuredhimthathewasanenthusiasticloverofGreekpoetry。
　　"LadyClarinda，"saidtheCaptain，"isaverypleasantyounglady。"
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Sosheis，sir：andIunderstandshehasallthewitofthefamilytoherself，whateverthattotummaybe。Butaglassofwineaftersoupis，astheFrenchsay，theverredesante。ThecurrentofopinionsetsinfavourofHock：butIamforMadeira;IdonotfancyHocktillIhavelaidasubstratumofMadeira。Willyoujoinme？
　　CAPTAINFITZCHROME。Withpleasure。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。Hereisaveryfinesalmonbeforeme：andMayistheverypointnommetohavesalmoninperfection。Thereisafineturbotcloseby，andthereismuchtobesaidinhisbehalf：
　　butsalmoninMayisthekingoffish。
　　MR。CROTCHET。Thatsalmonbeforeyou，doctor，wascaughtintheThames，thismorning。
　　REV。DR。FOLLIOTT。[Greektext]。Rarityofrarities！AThamessalmoncaughtthismorning。Now，Mr。MacQuedy，eveninfishyourModernAthensmustyield。CediteGraii。
　　MR。MACQUEDY。Eh！sir，onitsownaround，yourThamessalmonhastwovirtuesoverallothers;first，thatitisfresh;and，second，thatitisrare;forIunderstandyoudonottakehalfadozeninayear。