BOOKIII
　　Shewentfirstintoatobacconist’s——andsoldcigarettes。
　　Sometimesshesufferedfromactualwant，andatefriedfish。"DoyouknowhownicefriedfishtastesinLondon，——youon’theOilan’？"shewrotegayly。"I’mgettingonsplendidly；so’sJohnGale，Isuppose，thoughhe’slookingcadaverousfromstarvinghimselfallround。TellauntyIhaven’tseentheQueenyet，thoughafterallIreallybelieveshehasnotseenme。"
　　Then，afteraseverestruggle，shesucceededingettingonthestageasasonganddancegirl。Shesangmelodiouslyanddanceddivinely，soremarkablythattheignorantpublic，knowinghertobeaManxgirl，andvaguelyassociatingherwiththesymboloftheIsleofMan，supposedshehadthreelegs。Shewasthesuccessoftheseason；hercupofambitionwasfilled。ItwasslightlyembitteredbythenewsthatherfriendJinnyJoneshadkilledherselfinthechurchattheweddingofherrecreantloverandtheAmericanheiress。ButtheaffairwasscarcelyalludedtobytheSocietypapers——whowerenaturallyshockedatthebadtasteofthedeceased。AndevenGollyforgotitall——onthestage。
　　BOOKIV
　　MeanwhileJohnGale，orBrotherBoreas，ashewasknowninthemonastery，wassubmitting——amongotherrigors——toanexceptionallyseverewinterinBishopsgateStreet，whichseemedtohaveanArcticclimateofitsown，——possiblyinducedbythe"freezing—out"processofcertainstockcompaniesinitsvicinity。
　　"Youaremiserable，andeagertogetoutinthewickedworldagain，myson，saidthedelightfuloldSuperior，ashesatbytheonlyfire，sippingaglassofmulledport，whenJohncameinfromshovelingsnowoutside。"I，therefore，merelytotryyou，shallmakeyougatekeeper。Thekeysofthemonasteryfrontdoorareunderthedoor—matinmycell，butIamasoundsleeper。"Hesmiledseraphically，andwinkedcasuallyashesippedhisport。
　　"Wewillcallit，ifyouplease——apenance。"
　　JohnthrewhimselfinanagonyofremorseandshameatthefeetoftheSuperior。"Itisn’tofmyselfI’mthinking，"heconfessedwildly，"butofthatpooryoungman，BrotherBones，inthenextcelltomine。Heisalivingskeleton，hasgotonlyonelungandanatrophiedbrain。Anightoutmightdohimgood。"
　　TheFatherSuperiorfrowned。"Doyouknowwhoheis？"
　　"No。"
　　"HisrealnameisJones。Whydoyoustart？Youhavehearditbefore？"
　　Johnhadstarted，thinkingofJinnyJones，Golly’sdesertedandself—immolatedfriend。
　　"Itisanuncommonname，"hestammered——"foramonastery，Imean。"
　　"Heisorwasanuncommonman!"saidtheSuperiorgravely。"But，"
　　headdedresignedly，"wecannotpickandchooseourcompanyhere。
　　Mostofushavedonesomethingandhaveourownreasonsforthisretreat。BrotherPolygamusescapedherefromthepersecutionsofhissixthwife。EvenI，"continuedtheSuperiorwithagentlesmile，puttinghisfeetcomfortablyonthemantelpiece，"havehadmylittlefling，andthedearboysusedtosay——ahem!——butthisismereworldlyvanity。Youalone，mydearson，hewentonwithslightseverity，"seemtobewantinginsomecriminality，or——shallIsay？——someappropriatebesettingsintoqualifyyouforthisholyretreat。Anabsolutelygratuitousandblamelessidiocyappearstobeyouronlypeculiarity，andforthisyoumustdopenance。Fromthisdayhenceforth，Imakeyoudoorkeeper!Goonwithyourshovelingatpresent，andshutthedoorbehindyou；there’saterribledraughtinthesecorridors。"
　　ForthreedaysJohnGaleunderwentanagonyofdoubtanddetermination，anditstillsnowedinBishopsgateStreet。
　　OnthefourtheveninghewenttoBrotherBones。
　　"Wouldyouliketohaveaneveningout？"
　　"Iwould，"saidBrotherBones。
　　"Whatwouldyoudo？"
　　"Iwouldgotoseemyremainingsister。"Hislefteyelidtrembledslowlyinhiscadaverousface。
　　"Butifyoushouldhearshewasruinedliketheother？Whatwouldyoudo？"
　　Ashudderpassedovertheman。"Ihavenotgotmylittleknife，"
　　hesaidvacantly。
　　True，hehadnot!TheBrotherhoodhadnopockets，——orratheronlyacorporateone，whichbelongedtotheSuperior。JohnGaleliftedhiseyesinsublimeexaltation。"Youshallgoout，"hesaidwithdecision。"MuffleupuntilyouarewelloutofBishopsgateStreet，whereitstillsnows。"
　　"Buthowdidyougetthekeys？"saidBrotherBones。
　　"FromundertheFatherSuperior’sdoor—mat。"
　　"Butthatwaswrong，Brother。"
　　"Thematboretheinscription，’Salve，’whichyouknowinLatinmeans’Welcome，’"returnedJohnGale。"Itwaslogicallyapermission。"
　　Thetwomengazedateachothersilently。Ashudderpassedoverthetwolefteyelidsoftheirwanspiritualfaces。
　　"ButIhavenomoney，"saidBrotherBones。
　　"NorhaveI。Buthereisa’busticketandafreepasstotheGaiety。YouwillprobablyfindGollysomewhereabout。Tellher，"
　　hesaidinahollowvoice，"thatI’mgettingon。"
　　"Iwill，"saidBrotherBones，withadeepcough。
　　Thegateopenedandhedisappearedinthefallingsnow。Thebloodhoundkeptbythemonastery——oneoftherealBishopsgatebreed——bayedtwice，andlickeditshugejawsinghastlyanticipation。"Iwonder，"saidJohnGaleasheresumedhisshoveling，"ifIhavedoneexactlyright。Candorcompelsmetoadmitthatitisanopenquestion。"
　　BOOKV
　　Earlythenextmorning，BrotherBoneswasbroughthomebyPolicemanX，hishatcrushed，hisfacehaggard，hisvoicehuskyandunintelligible。Heonlysaidvaguely，"Washertime？"
　　"Itis，"saidJohnGaletimidly，inexplanationtoPolicemanX，"acaseofspiritualexhaustionfollowingavigil。"
　　"Thatwarn’thername，"saidPolicemanXsternly。"Butdon’tletthis’ereappenagain。"
　　JohnGaleturnedtoBrotherBones。"Thenyousawher——Golly？"
　　"No，"saidBrotherBones。
　　"Why？Whatonearthhaveyoubeendoing？"
　　"Dunno!Foundmyselfinstashun——zismorning!Thashall!"
　　ThenJohnGalesoughttheSuperiorinanagonyofremorse，andconfessedall。"Iamunfittoremaindoorkeeper。Removeme，"hegroanedbitterly。
　　Theoldmansmiledgently。"Onthecontrary，Ishouldhavegivenyouthekeysmyself。Hereafteryoucankeepthem。ThewaysofourBrotherhoodaremysterious，——indeed，youmaythinkidiotic，——butwearenotresponsibleforthem。It’sallBrotherCaine’sdoing——it’s’AllCaine!"
　　BOOKVI
　　Nevertheless，JohnGaleleftthemonastery。"TheBishopsgateStreetwinterdoesnotsuitme，"hebrieflyexplainedtotheSuperior。"Imustgosouthorsouthwest。"
　　Buthedidneither。HesawGolly，whowaslivingwest。Heupbraidedherforgoingonthestage。Sheretorted："Whoselifeisthemoreartificial，yoursormine？Itistruethatwearebothimperfectlyclothed，"sheadded，glancingataphotographofherselfinashortskirt，"andnotalwaysinourrightmind——butyou’vecaughtnothingbutacold!Nevertheless，Iloveyouandyouloveme。"
　　ThenhebeggedhertogowithhimtotheSouthSeasandtaketheplaceofFatherDamienamongthecolonyoflepers。"Itisabeautifulplace，andinexpensive，forweshallliveonlyafewweeks。Whatdoyousay，dearest？Youknow，"headded，withafaint，sadsmile，glancingatanotherphotographofher，——executingthehighkick，——"you’requitealeaperyourself。"
　　Butthatnightshereceivedanofferofanewengagement。ShewrotetoJohnGale："TheSouthSeasisratheranexpensivetriptotakesimplytodie。Couldn’twedoitascheaplyathome？Orcouldn’tyouprevailonyourFatherSuperiortosetuphismonasterythere？I’mafraidI’mnotuptoit。Whydon’tyoutrytheold’Oilan，’nearerhome？There’slotsofmeaslesanddiphtheriaabouttherelately。"
　　WhentheheartbrokenJohnGalereceivedthisepistle，healsoreceivedaletterfromhisuncle，theFirstLordoftheAdmiralty。
　　"Idon’tfancythisDamienwhimofyours。Ifyou’rereallyinearnestaboutkillingyourself，whynottakeabrieftrialtripinoneofourlatestironclads？It’sjustasrisky，although——asweareobligedtokeepthesethingsquietintheOffice——youwillnotofcoursegetthatpublicityyournoblesoulcraves。"
　　Abandonedbyallinhisnoblepurposes，JohnGaletookthefirststeamertotheIsleofMan。
　　BOOKVII
　　Buthedidnotremaintherelong。Oncebackinthatepistolaryisland，hewroteinterminableletterstoGolly。Whentheybegantoboreeachother，hereturnedtoLondonandenteredtheSalvationArmy。Crowdsflockedtohearhimpreach。HeinveighedagainstSocietyandWickednessasrepresentedinhismindbyGollyandherfriends，andpraisedaperfectChristianityrepresentedbyhimselfandHISfriends。ApanicofthesameremarkablecharacterastheBishopsgateStreetwintertookpossessionofLondon。OldMoore’s，Zadkiel’s，andMotherShipton’spropheciesweretobefulfilledatanearlyandfixeddate，withnopostponementonaccountofweather。SuddenlySociety，JohnDrake，andAntichristgenerallycombinedbyoustinghimfromhischurch，andturningitintoamusic—hallforGolly!ThenJohnGaletookhislastandsublimeresolve。HisdutyasaperfectChristianwastokillGolly!Hislogicwasatonceinscrutable，perfect，and——JohnGalish!
　　Withthissublimeandloftypurpose，hecalleduponGolly。Theheroicgirlsawhispurposeinhiseye——aneyeatonceblack，murderous，andChristian—like。Foraninstantshethoughtitwasbettertosuccumbatonceandthusendthisremarkableattachment。
　　SuddenlythroughthischaosofSpiritual，Religious，Ecstatic，Super—Egotisticwhirlofconfusedthought，dartedagleamofCommon，OrdinaryHorseSense!JohnGalesawitillumineherblueeyes，andtrembled。GodinMercy!IfitcametoTHAT!
　　"Sitdown，John，"shesaidcalmly。Then，inhersweet，clearvoice，shesaid："Diditeveroccurtoyou，dearest，thatamoreridiculous，unconvincing，purposeless，insane，God—forsakenidiotthanyouneverexisted？Thatyoueclipsethewildestdreamsofinsanity？Thatyouareamentalandmoral’What—is—it？’"
　　"Ithasoccurredtome，"herepliedsimply。"Ibeganlifewithvastasininepossibilitieswhichfalltothelotoffewmen；yetI
　　cannotsaythatIhavecarriedevenTHEMtoalogicalconclusion!
　　ButYOU，love!YOU，darling!conceivedinextravagance，borntoimpossibility，achallengetocredulity，aproblemtotheintellect，a’missingword’forallages，——areyouawareofanyoneasutterlyunsympathetic，unreal，anduntruetonatureasyouare，existingonthefaceoftheearth，orinthewatersundertheearth？"
　　"Youareright，dearest；therearenone，"shereturnedwiththesamecalm，levelvoice。"ItistruethatIhaveattimestriedtodosomethingrealandwomanly，andnot，youknow，merelytocomplicatea——a"——hervoicefaltered——"theatricalsituation——butI
　　couldn’t!Somethingimpelledmeotherwise。NowyouknowwhyI
　　becameanactress!ButeventhereIfail!THEYareallowedreasoningpoweroffthestage——Ihavenoneatanytime!Ilaughinthewrongplace——Idotheunnecessary，extravagantthing。Endowedbysomestrangepowerwithextraordinaryattributes，Iamsupposedtomakeeverybodyloveme，butIdon’t——Isatisfynobody；I
　　convincenone!Ihavenoideawhatwillhappentomenext。Iamdoomedto——Iknownotwhat。"
　　"AndI，"hegroanedbitterly，"I，insomerareandlucidmoments，havehadaglimpseofthistoo。Weareinthehandsofsomeinscrutablebutawfulpower。Tellme，Golly，tellme，darling，whoisit？"
　　AgainthatgleamofCommonorOrdinaryHorseSensecameinhereye。
　　"Ihavefoundoutwho，"shewhispered。"Ihavefoundoutwhohascreatedus，andmadeusaspuppetsinhishands。"
　　"IsittheAlmighty？"heasked。
　　"No；itis"——shesaid，withaburstofreallaughter——"itis——The’AllCaine!"
　　"What!ourcountrymantheManxman？TheonlygreatNovelist？ThebelovedofGladstone？"hegasped。
　　"Yes——andheintendstokillYOU——andwe’reonlytobemarriedatyourdeathbed!"
　　JohnGalearosewithalookofsterndetermination。"Ihavesufferedmuchandidiotically——butIdrawalineatthis。Ishallkick!"
　　Gollyclappedherhandsjoyfully。"Wewill!"
　　"Andwe’llchuckhim。"
　　"Wewill。"
　　Theywerechokingwithlaughter。
　　"Andgoandgetmarriedinanatural，simplewaylikeanybodyelse——
　　andtry——todoourduty——toGod——toeachother——andtoourfellow—
　　beings——andquitthis——damned——nonsense——andin—fer—nalidiocyforever!"
　　"Amen!"
　　PUBLISHER’SNOTE。——"Inthatsupremeworkofmylife，’TheChristian，’"saidthegiftednovelisttoareporterinspeakingofhismethods，"IhadendowedthecharactersofGollyandJohnGalewithsuchsuperhumanvitalityandabsoluterealitythat——asiswellknownintheexperienceofgreatwriters——theybecamethinkingbeings，andactuallycriticisedmywork，andevenINTERFEREDandREBELLEDtothepointofalteringmyclimaxandtheend!"Thepresenteditiongivesthatending，whichofcourseistheonlyrealone。
　　THEADVENTURESOFJOHNLONGBOWE，YEOMAN
　　BEINGAMODERN—ANTIQUEREALISTICROMANCE
　　（COMPILEDFROMSEVERALEMINENTSOURCES）
　　ItseemethbutfairthatI，JohnLongbowe，shouldsetdownthisaccountofsuchhapandadventureashathbefallenme，withoutflourish，vaporing，orcozeningofspeech，butasbecomethonewho，notbeingareadywriter，goethstraighttothematterinhandinfewwords。So，thoughIoffendsome，Ishallyetconvinceall，thewhichliethclosertomypurpose。Thus，itwasintheyear1560，or1650，ormayhap1710——formymemoryisnotwhatithathbeenandIevercaredlittleformonkishcalendarsorsuchdry—as—dustmatter，beingactiveasbecomethonewhohathtomakehiswayintheworld——yetIwotwellitwasaftertheGreatPlague，whichI
　　havegreatcausetoremember，lyingatmycozen’sinWardourStreet，London，inthatlamentableyear，eatingofgillyflowers，sulphur，hartestongueandmanystynkingherbes；touchingneithermannormayd，savewithagreattongssteeptinpitch；wearingafinemaskeofsilkwithamouthpieceofaromaticstuff——byreasonofwhichactsofhardihoodandcourageIwasmiraculouslypreserved。ThismuchIshallsayastothetimeofthesehappenings，andnomore。Iamaplain，bluntman——mayhaprudeofspeechshouldoccasionwarrant———soletthemwhorequiretheexactnessofascrivenerorapedagoguegoelsewherefortheirentertainmentandbehangedtothem!
　　Howbeit，thoughnoscholar，IamnotoneofthosewhomisusetheEnglishspeech，and，beingfoolishlyledbythehastycustomofscrivenersandprinterstowritetheletters"T"and"H"joinedtogether，whichresembletha"Y，"doincontinentlyjumptotheconclusiontheTHEispronounced"Ye，"——thelikeofwhichIneverheardinallEngland。AndthoughthisbelittletowardthosegreatenterprisesandhappeningsIshallpresentlyshew，Isetitdownforthebehoofofsuchmalapertwightsasmustneedsgirdatamanofspiritandaction——andyet，insooth，knownottheirownletters。
　　Sotomytale。TherewasagreatfrostwhenmyLordbademefollowhimtothewatergatenearourlodgingsintheStrand。WhenwereacheditwewereamazedtoseethattheThameswasfrozenoverandmanycitizensdisportingthemselvesontheice——thelikeofwhichnomanhadseenbefore。Therewerefiresbuiltthereon，andmanyshipsandbargeswerestuckhardandfast，andmyLordthoughtitvastlyprettythatthepeoplewerewalkingundertheirbowsandcabbinwindowsandclimbingoftheirsideslikemermen，butI，beingaplain，bluntman，hadnojoyinsuchidlenesse，deemingitbetterthatinthesetimesofpithandenterprisetheyshouldbemoreseemlyemployed。MyLord，becauseofoneortwomisadventuresbyreasonoftheslipperinessoftheice，wasfaintogobyLondonBridge，whichwedid；myLordassuitedhishumorrufflingthestaidcitizensashepassedorpeeringunderthehoodsoftheirwivesanddaughters——asbecameayounggallantofthetime。I，beingaplain，bluntman，assistedinnosuchfolly，butcontentedmyself，whentheycomplaynedtome，withdamningtheirsoulsforgreasyinterferingvarlets。ForIshallnowmakenoscrupleindeclaringthatmyLordwasthemostnobleEarlofSouthampton，beingwithheldfromsosayingbeforethroughveryplainnessandbluntness，desiringasasimpleyeomantomakenoboastofservingamanofsohighquality。
　　WefaredonoverBanksidetotheGlobeplayhouse，wheremyLordbademedismountanddeliverasecretmessagetothechiefplayer——
　　whichmessagewas，"hadhediligentlyperusedandexaminedthathewotof，andwhatsaidhethereof？"WhichIdid。ThereuponhethatwascalledthechiefplayerdidincontinentlyproceedtoloadminearmsandwalletwithmanyanddiversrollsofmanuscriptsinmyLord’sownhand，andbademesayuntohimthattherewasagreatfrostoverLondon，butthatifheweretoperformthoseplaysandmasquespublickly，therewouldbeagreaterfrostthere——towit，intheGlobeplayhouse。ThisIdiddeliverwiththeManuscriptstomyLord，whochangedcountenancemightilyatthesightofthem，butcouldmakenoughtofthemessage。Atwhichtheladwhoheldthehorsesbeforetheplayhouse——oneWillShakespeare——splitwithlaughter。WhereatmyLordcursedhimforadeer—stealing，coney—
　　catchingWarwickshirelout，andcuffedhimsoundly。IwottherewillbethosewhorememberthatthisWillShakespeareafterwardsbecameaplayeranddidwriteplays——whichwereacceptableeventotheQueen’sMajesty’sself——andIsetthisdownnotfromvanitytoshewIhaveheldconversewithsuch，nortogiveaseemingnessandcolourtomystory，buttoshewwhatill—judged，misinformedknavesweretheywhodidafterwardsattributefriendshipbetweenmyLordandthisWillShakespeare，eventothesayingthathemadesonnetstomyLord。Howbeit，myLordwasexceedingwroth，andI，tobeguilehim，didproposethatweshouldleaveourhorsesandcargoesofmanuscriptbehindandcrossontheiceafoot，whichconceitpleasedhimmightily。Insoothitchancedwellwithwhatfollowed，forhardlywereweontheriverwhenwesawagreatcrowdcomingfromWestminster，beforeacaravanofstrangeanimalsandsavagesinmasks，caperingandcapricolling，draggingafterthemdiverssledgesquaintlyfashionedlikeswannes，inwhichwereladiesattiredasfairiesandgoddessesandsuchlikeheathenandwantontrumpery，whichI，asaplain，bluntman，wouldhavefallentocursing，hadnotmyLordhimselfdamnedmeunderhisbreathtoholdmypeace，forthathehadrecognizedmyLordofLeicester’scoloursandthathemadenodoubttheywereoftheCourt。Asforsooththisdidpresentlyappear；alsothatoneoftheladieswasherGraciousMajesty’sself——maskedtothegeneraleye，thebettertoenjoythesemiscalledfestivities。Isaymiscalled，for，thoughaloyalsubjectofherMajesty，andonewhohathbornearmsatTilburyFortindefenceofherMajesty，itinflamedmycholer，asaplainandbluntman，thatherMightinessshouldsodegradeherdignity。Howbeit，asamanwhohathhiswaytomakeintheworld，IkeptmineeyeswellupontheanticksoftheGreat，whilemyLordjoinedthegroupofmaskersandtheirfollies。IrecognizedherMajesty’spresencebyherdiscourseinthreelanguagestoasmanyAmbassadorsthatwerepresent——thoughImarkedwellthatshehadnotforgottenherowntongue，callingoneofherladies"asluttishwench，"norherEnglishspiritincuffingmyLordofEssex’searsforsomeindecorum——which，asaplainmanmyself，curtinspeechandaction，didrejoicemegreatly。ButImustrelateonefeat，thelikeofwhichIneversawinEnglandbeforeorsince。Therewasadanceofthemaskers，andinthemidstofitherMajestyaskedtheAmbassadorfromSpayneifhehadseenthelatestFrenchdance。Herepliedthathehadnot。WhereuponHerMostExcellentMajestyskiptbackapaceandforwardapace，andliftingherhoop，deliveredakickathisExcellency’shatwhichsentitflyingthespaceofagoodEnglishellabovehishead!HowbeitsogreatwastheacclamationthatherMajestywasgraciouslymovedtorepeatittomyLordofLeicester，but，trippingback，herhighheelscaughtinherfarthingale，andshewouldhavefallenontheice，butforthatmyLord，withexceedingswiftnessanddexterity，whiskedhiscloakfromhisshoulder，spreadingitunderher，andsoreceivedherbodyinitsfoldsontheice，withouthimselftouchingherMajesty’sperson。HerMajestywasgreatlypleasedatthis，andbademyLordbuyanothercloakathercost，thoughitswallowedanestate；butmyLordreplyed，afterthelyingfashionofthetime，thatitwashonourenoughforhimtobepermittedtokeepitafter"ithadreceivedherRoyalperson。"Iknowthatthishaphathbeenpartlyrelatedofanotherperson——theshipmanRaleigh——butItellsuchasdenymethattheylieintheirteeth，forI，JohnLongbowe，havecause——miserablecauseenough，Iwarrant——torememberit，andmyLordcanbearmeout!For，spiteofhisfairspeeches，whenhewasquitoftheRoyalpresence，hethrewmehiswetandbedraggledcloakandbademechangeitwithhimformineown，whichwasdryandwarm。AnditwasthissimpleactwhichwroughtthelamentableandcrueldeedofwhichIwasthevictim，for，asIfollowedmyLord，thusapparelled，acrosstheice，Iwassuddenlysetuponandseized，achoke—pearclaptintomymouthsothatIcouldnotcryaloud，mineeyesbandaged，mineelbowspinionedatmysideinthatfatallcloakliketoatrussedfowl，andsoIwascarriedtowheretheicewasbroken，andthrustintoaboat。ThenceIwasconveyedinthesamerudesorttoaship，draggeduphersmooth，wetside，andclaptunderhatches。HereIlayhelplessasinaswoon。WhenIcameto，itwaswithagreattramplingonthedecksaboveandthewashingofwavesbelow，andImadethattheshipwasmoving——butwhereIknewnot。AfteralittlespacethehatchwasliftedfromwhereIlay，thechoke—peartakenfrommymouth；butnotthebandagefrommineeyes，soIcouldseenoughtaroundme。ButI
　　heardastrangevoicesay："Whatcoilisthis？ThisismyLord’scloakinsooth，butnotmyLordthatliethinit!Whoisthisfellow？"AtwhichIdidnaturallydiscoverthegreatmispriseofthosevarletswhohadtakenmeformydearLord，whomInowdamnedinmyheartforchangingofthecloaks!Howbeit，whenIhadfetchedmybreathwithdifficulty，beingwellnighspentbyreasonofthegag，IreplyedthatIwasJohnLongbowe，myLord’strueyeoman，asgoodamanasany，astheyshouldpresentlydiscoverwhentheysetmeashore。ThatIknew——"Softly，friend，"saidtheVoice，"thouknowesttoomuchforthegoodofEnglandandtoolittleforthineownneeds。Thoushaltbesentwherethoumayestforgettheoneandimprovethyknowledgeoftheother。"Thenasifturningtothoseabouthim，forIcouldnotseebyreasonoftheblindfold，henextsaid："Takehimonyourvoyage，andseethatheescapenottillyearequitofEngland。"Andwiththattheyclapttothehatchagain，andIheardhimcastofffromtheship’sside。
　　TherewasI，JohnLongbowe，anEnglishyeoman，——I，whobutthatdayhadheldconversewithWillShakespeareandbeencognizantoftherevelsofHerMostChristianMajestyeventothespyingofhergarter!——Iwaskidnappedattheageofforty—fiveorthereabout——
　　forIwillnotbecertainoftheyear——andforcedtoseaforthatmyLordofSouthamptonhadprovokedthejealousieandenvyofdiversothergreatnobles。
　　CHAPTERSITOXX
　　IAMFORCEDTOSEAANDTOBECOMEAPIRATE!ISUFFERLAMENTABLY
　　FROMSICKNESSBYREASONOFTHEBIGNESSEOFTHEWAVES。ICOMMIT
　　MANYCRUELTIESANDBLOODSHED。BUTBYTHEDIVINEINTERCESSIONI
　　EVENTUALLYTHROWTHEWICKEDCAPTAINOVERBOARDANDAMELECTEDINHIS
　　STEAD。IDISCOVERANISLANDOFTREASURE，OBTAINPOSSESSIONTHEREOF
　　BYATRICKE，ANDPUTTHENATIVESTOTHESWORD。
　　Imarvelmuchatthosewhodeemitnecessaryinthesettingdownoftheiradventurestoglozeoverthewhilesbetweenwithmuchmatterofthecountry，thepeoples，andeventheirownfoolishreflectionsthereon，hopinginthiswaytocozenthereaderwithabeliefintheirowntruthfulness，andencreasetheextravaganceoftheirdeeds。I，beingaplain，bluntman，shallsimplysayformyselfthatformanydaysafterbeingtakenfromthebilboesandmadefreeofthedeck，Iwasgrievouslydistemperedbyreasonofthewaves，andsocollapsedinthebowelsthatIcouldneithereat，stand，norlie。Beingthusingreatfearofdeath，fromwhichIwasmiraculouslypreserved，I，outofsheergratitudetomyMaker，didincontinentlymakeoathandsignarticlestobeoneofthecrew——
　　whichwerebuccaneers。IdidthisthemorereadilyasweweretoattacktheshipsofSpayneonly，andthroughtherebeingnostateofWarreatthattimebetweenEnglandandthatcountry，itwaswiselyconceivedthatthisconductwouldprovokeit，andweshouldthusbeforearmed，asbecameajustemaninhisquarrel。ForthiswehadthepreciousexampleofmanygreatCaptains。Wedidthereforeheavetoandburnmanyships——thequalityofthoseengagementsIdonotsetforth，nothavingaseaman’suseofshipspeech，anddespising，asaplain，bluntman，thosewhomisuseit，havingitnot。
　　ButthisIdoknow，that，havingsomeconceitofashipman’swaysandofpirates，Ididconceiveatthistimeaprettysongformycomradoes，whereofthewordsranthus：——
　　Yoho!whentheDogWatchbayethloudInthelightofamid—seamoon!
　　AndtheDeadEyesglareinthestiffeningShroud，ForthatisthePirate’snoon!
　　WhentheNightMayressitontheDeadMan’sChestWherenomanne’sbreathmaycome——
　　ThenheyforabottleofRum!Rum!Rum!
　　AndapassagetoKingdomcome!
　　Itakenocredittomyselfforthesame，exceptsofarasitmayshewatouchofmyLordofSouthampton’smanner——webeingintimate——
　　butthisIknow，thatitwasmuchacclaimedbythecrew。Indeedthey，observingthattheCaptainwasofacruelnature，wouldfainkillhimandputmeinhisstead，butI，objectingtothesheddingofpreciousbloodinsuchbehoof，didpreventsuchalamentableandinhumanactionbystealthilythrowinghimbynightfromhiscabbinwindowintothesea——where，owingtotheinconceivabledistanceoftheshipfromshore，hewaspresentlydrowned。Whichuntowardfatehadagreateffectuponmyfortunes，since，burtheningmyselfwithhisgoodsandeffects，IfoundinhischestaprintedproclamationfromanagedandinfirmclergymanintheWestofEnglandcovenantingthat，forthesumoftwocrowns，hewouldsendtowhosooffered，thechartofanislandofgreattreasureintheSpanishMain，whereofhehadhadconfessionfromthelipsofadyingparishioner，andtheamountgainedtherebyhewouldusefortherestorationofhisparishchurch。NowI，readingthis，wasstruckbyagreatremorseandadmirationforourlateCaptain，forthatitwouldseemthathewas，likemyself，astaunchupholderoftheProtestantFaithandtheChurchthereof，asdidappearbyhispossessionofthechart，forwhichhehadnodoubtpaidthetwogoodcrowns。AsanactofpenanceIresolveduponfindingthesameislandbytheaidofthechart，andtothatpurposesailedEastmanydays，andSouth，andNorth，andWestasmanyotherdays——themannerwhereofandthelatitudeandlongitudeofwhichIshallnotburdenthereaderwith，holdingit，asaplain，bluntman，merepaddingandimpertinencetofilloutmynarrative，whichhelpethnotthegeneralreader。So，Isay，whenwesightedtheIsland，whichseemedtobeswarmingwithsavages，Iorderedthemaststobestripped，savebutforasinglesailwhichhungsadlyanddistractedly，andotherwiseputtheshipintothelikenessofaforlornwreck，clappingthemen，saveoneortwo，underhatches。
　　ThisIdidtopreventthesheddingofpreciousblood，knowingfullwellthattheignorantsavages，believingtheshipinsoredistress，wouldswimofftoherwithprovisionsandfruit，bearingnoarms。Whichtheydid，whilewe，asfastastheyclombthesides，despatchedthematleisure，withoutunseemlyoutcryoralarms。Havingthusdisposedofthemostadventurous，welandedandtookpossessionoftheisland，findingthereonmanykegsofcarbunclesandrubiesandpiecesofeight——thetreasurestoreofthoselawlesspirateswhoinfesttheseas，havingnocolourofwarorteachingofcivilisationtoatonefortheirhorriddeeds。
　　Idiscoveredalso，byanomissioninthechart，thatthiswasnottheIslandwotofbythegoodandagedDevonshiredivine——andsoweeasedourconsciencesofaccountingforthetreasuretohim。Wethensailedaway，arrivingaftermanyyears’absenceatthePortofBristolinMerrieEngland，whereItookleaveofthe"JollyRoger，"
　　thatbeingthenameofmyship；itwasastrangeconceitofseameninafteryearsevertocallthedeviceofmyFLAG——towit，askullandbonesmadeinthesignofaCross——bytheNAMEmyshipbore，andifIhaveonlycorrectedthemisuseofhistorybylyingknaves，Ishallbecontentwiththiswriting。Butalas!sucharetheuncertaintiesoftime；IfoundmygoodLordofSouthamptondeadandmostofhisfriendsbeheaded，andtheblessedKingJamesofScotland——ifImistakenot，forthesealsobetheuncertaintiesoftime——onthethrone。InduetimeImarriedMistressMarianStraitways。Imighthavetoldmoreoftrifling，andhowshefared，poorwench!inmineabsence，eventothefollowingofmeinanothership，inashipboy’sdisguise，andhowIrescuedherfromaschemingPaganvillain；but，asaplain，bluntman，Iamnohandattheweavingofpulinglovetalesandsuchtriflingdiversionsforlovesickmaydsandtheirpunygallants——havingonlyconsiderationformenandtheirdeeds，whichIhaveheresetdownbluntlyandevenatmineadvancedyearsamreadytomaintainwiththehandthatsetitdown。
　　DAN’LBOREM
　　BYE。N——SW——T——T
　　I
　　Dan’lBorempouredhalfofhissecondcupofteaabstractedlyintohislap。
　　"Guessyou’vegotsuthin’onyermind，Dan’l，"saidhissister。
　　"Mor’nlikelyI’vegotsuthin’onmypants，"returnedDan’lwiththatexquisitelydry，thoughsomewhatprotractedhumorwhichatoncethrilledandboredhisacquaintances。"But——speakin’o’thathosstrade"——
　　"Forgoodness’sake，don’t!"interruptedhissisterwearily；"yerallusdoin’it。Jesttellmeaboutthatyoungman——thenewclerkyethinko’gettin’。"
　　"Well，Itelegraphedhimtocomeover，arterIgotthisletterfromhim，"hereturned，handingheraletter。"Readitoutloud。"
　　Buthissister，havinganexperiencedhorrorofprolixity，glancedoverit。"FarasIkinseehetakesmor’ntwohundredwordstosayyou’vegottotakehimontrust，andsezitsuthin’inastylebetwixtabusinesscircularandthemPoliteLetterWriters。I
　　thoughtyouallowedhewasatonyfeller。"
　　"Efhedoesnotbragmuch，yesee，Ikinofferhimsmallwages，"
　　saidDan’l，withawink。"It’skindertakin’himathisownfigger。"
　　"AndTHATmightn’tpay!Butyedon’tthinko’bringin’himHEREinthishouse？’Ceptyou’rethinkin’o’tellin’himthatyarno’
　　yoursaboutthehosstradetobeguilethewinterevenings。Itoldyeye’dhevtopayyettogetfolkstolistentoit。"
　　"Wrongagin——ezyou’llsee!WotefIgetahundredthousandfolkstopaymefortellin’it？But，speakin’o’thisyoungfeller，I
　　calkilatedtosendhimtotheTurkeyBuzzardHotel；"andhelookedathissisterwithashrewdyethumoroussmile。
　　"What!"saidhissisterinalarm。"TheTurkeyBuzzard!Why，he’llbestarvedorpizoned!Hewon’tstaythereaweek。"
　　"Efhe’spizonedtodeathhewon’tbeabletodemandanywages；efheleavesbecausehecan’tstandit——it’sproofpositivehecouldn’tstandme。Efhe’sonlystarvedandmadeweakandmiserablehe’llbeeasytomaketermswith。ItmayseemhardwhatI’msayin’，butwhatseemshardontheotherfelleralwayscomesmightyeasytoyou。ThethingisNOTtobethe’otherfeller。’Yeain’tlistenin’。Yettheseremarksisshrewdandhumorous，andhezbinthoughtsobyliteraryfellers。"
　　"H’m!"saidhissister。"What’sthatyewasjestsayin’aboutfolksbein’willin’topayyefortellin’thathosstradeyarno’yours？"
　　"Thet’sonlywhatoneo’themsmartNewYorkpublishersalloweditwaswortharterhearin’metellit，"saidDan’ldryly。
　　"Goway!Youorhimmustbecrazy。Why，itain’tezgoodasthatstory’boutamanwhohadabalkyhossthatcouldbemadetogoonlybybuildin’afireunderhim，andarterthemansellsthathossandthesecret，andthemanwotboughthimtriesiton，theblamedhossliesdownoverthefire，andputsitout。"
　　"I’veallusallowedthatthestoryyehevtotellyourselfisablamedsightfunnierthantheoneye’relistenin’to，"saidDan’l。
　　"Putthatdownamongmysayin’s，willye？"
　　"Butyourstorywasneveranythin’morethanoneo’themsnippythingsyeseeinthepapers，droredouttonoendbyyou。It’sonlyoneo’themfunnyparagraphsyekinreadinaminitinthepapersthattakesYOUanhourtotell。"
　　TohersurpriseDan’lonlylookedathissisterwithcomplacency。
　　"That，"hesaid，"isjestwhattheNewYorkpublishersez。’The’Merrikanpeople，’sezhe，’isashamedo’bein’shortandpeartandfunny；itlacksdignity，’sezhe；’itlooksfunny，’sezhe，’butitain’tdeep—seatednash’nulliterature，’sezhe。’Themsnipso’
　　funnystoriesandshortdialoguesinthecomicpapers——theymakeyelaff，’sezhe，’butlaffin’isn’tnosigno’deepmorrilpurpose，’
　　sezhe，’anditain’tgenteelandrefined。AbrahamLinkinwithhispatanecdotesruinedourstandin’withdignifiednashuns，’sezhe。
　　’Wecultivatedpublishersissicko’hearin’furrin’nashunsroarin’overfunny’Merrikanstories；we’regoin’toshow’emthat，evenefwehaven’tclassesandtitlesandsich，wekinbedull。
　　We’reworkin’thehistoricalracketforallthatit’sworth，——efwecan’tgobackmor’nahundredyearsorso，wekinrakeinaLordandaLadywhenwedo，andwe’regettin’insomeole—fashionedspellin’and"methinkses"and"peradventures。"We’redoin’thereligiousbiznessezslickezRobertElsmere，andwefindlotso’
　　soulinfolks——andheapsoquaintmorrilcharacters，’sezhe。"
　　"Sakesalive，Dan’l!"brokeinhissister；"what’sallthatgottodowithyouryarn’boutthehosstrade？"
　　"Everythin’，"returnedDan’l。"’For，’sezhe，’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’you’reaquaintmorrilcharacter。You’vegotprotractedhumor，’
　　sezhe。’You’vebinanhourtellin’thatyarno’yours!Efyecouldspinitouttofilltwochaptersofabook——yerfortune’smade!Foryou’llshowthatasuccessfulhosstradeinvolvesthehighestnash’nulcharacteristics。Thatwhatcommonfolkcalls"selfishness，""revenge，""meanlyin’，"and"low—downmoney—
　　grubbin’ambishun"isreally"quaintness，"andwillgoindoubleharnesswiththebiznessofaChristianbanker，’sezhe。"
　　"Createdgoodness，Dan’l!You’redesignin’ter"——
　　Dan’lBoremrose，coughed，expectoratedcarefullyattheusualspotinthefender，hisgeneralcustomofindicatingtheconclusionofasubjectoraninterview，andsaiddryly："I’mthar!"
　　II
　　Toreturntothewriteroftheletter，whosecareerwasmomentarilycutoffbytheepisodeofthehorsetrade（who，ifhehadpreviouslyreceivedaletterwrittenbysomebodyelsewouldhavebeenanentirelydifferentpersonandnotinthisnovelatall）：
　　JohnLummox——knowntohisfamilyas"theperfectLummox"——hadbeentwoyearsincollege，butthoughtitratherfineofhimself——ahabitofthoughtinwhichhefrequentlyindulged——tobecomeaclerk，butfinallygottiredofit，andtohisfather’sreliefwenttoEuropeforacoupleofyears，returningwithsomeknowledgeofFrenchandGerman，andthecuttingendofaGermanstudent’sbluntedduelingsword。Having，ashefelt，thusequippedhimselffortheheroofanAmerican"GoodSociety"novel，hewentonboarda"liner，"wheretherewouldnaturallybesusceptibleyoungladies。
　　Onehethoughtherecognizedasagirlwithwhomheusedtoplay"forfeits"inthevulgarpastofhisboyhood。Shesatathistable，accompaniedbyanotherladywhosehusbandseemedtobeaconfirmeddyspeptic。HisremarksstruckLummoxaspeculiar。
　　"ShallIbegindinnerwithpuddingandcheeseortaketheordinarysoupfirst？IquiteforgetwhichIdidlastnight，"hesaidanxiouslytohiswife。
　　ButMrs。Starlinghesitated。
　　"Tellme，Mary，"hesaid，appealingtoMissBike，theyounglady。
　　"Ishouldbeginwiththepudding，"saidMissBikedecisively，"andbetweenthatandthearrivalofthecheeseyoucanmakeupyourmind，andthen，ifyouthinkbetter，gobacktothesoup。"
　　"Thankyousomuch。Now，astodrink？ShallItaketheFriedrichshallefirstortheBenedictine？YouknowthedoctorinsistsupontheFriedrichshalle，butIdon’tthinkIdidwelltomixthemasIdidyesterday。OrshallItakesimplymilkandbeer？"
　　"Ishouldsaysimplicitywasbest。Besides，youcanalwaysfillupwithchampagnelater。"
　　Howsplendidlythisclear—headed，clear—eyedgirldominatedtheman!LummoxfeltthatREALLYhemightrenewheracquaintance!Hedidso。
　　"Irememberedyou，"shesaid。"You’venotchangedabitsinceyouwereeightyearsold。"
　　John，wishingtochangethesubject，saidthathethoughtMr。
　　Starlingseemedanuncertainman。
　　"Very!He’sevennowinhisstateroomsittinginhispyjamaswitharubbershoeononefootandapumpontheother，wonderingwhetherheoughttoputongolfknickerbockerswithadressing—gownandstrawhatbeforehecomesondeck。Hehasalreadyputonandtakenoffabouttwentysuits。"
　　"Hecertainlyisverytrying，"returnedLummox。Hepausedandcoloreddeeply。"Ibeg，"hestammered，"Ihope——youdon’tthinkmeguiltyofapun!WhenIsaid’trying’Ireferredentirelytotheeffectonyoursensitivenessofthesetentativeattemptstowardclothinghimself。"
　　"IshouldneveraccuseYOUoflevity，Mr。Lummox，"saidtheyounglady，gazingthoughtfullyuponhiscalmbutsomewhatheavyfeatures，——"never。"
　　Yethewouldhavelikedtoreclaimhimselfbyashowoflightness。
　　Hewasleaningontheraillookingatthesea。Thescenewasbeautiful。
　　"Isuppose，"hesaid，rollingwiththeseaandhisearlystudiesofDoctorJohnson，"thatonewouldinthemoresuperiormannershowhisappreciationofallthisbyrefrainingfromtheobviouscommentwhichmustneedsberecognizedascomparativelycommonplaceandvulgar；butreallythisissosuperbthatImustexpresssomeofmyemotion，evenattheriskofloweringyouropinionofmygoodtaste，provided，ofcourse，thatyouhaveanyopinionontheonehandoranygoodtasteontheother。"
　　"Withoutthatunduedepreciationofone’sselfwhichmusteverbeasignofself—consciousdemerit，"saidtheyounggirllightly，"I
　　maysaythatIamnotgenerallygoodatJohnsonese；butitmayrelieveyourmindtoknowthathadyoukeptsilenceoneinstantlonger，Ishouldhavetakentheriskofloweringyouropinionofmytaste，provided，ofcourse，thatyouhaveonetolowerandarecapableofthatexertion——ifsuchindeeditmaybetermed——byremarkingthatthisisperfectlymagnificent。"
　　"Doyouthink，"hesaidgloomily，stillleaningontherail，"thatwecankeepthiskindofthingup——perhapsIshouldsaydown——muchlonger？Formyself，Iamfeelingfarfromwell；itmayhavebeenthelobster——orthatlastsentence——but"——
　　Theywerebothsilent。"Yet，"shesaid，afterapause，"youcanatleasttakeMr。Starlingandhisdyspepsiaoffmyhands。Youmightbeequaltothatexertion。"
　　"IsupposethatbythistimeIoughttobedoingsomethingforsomebody，"hesaidthoughtfully。"Yes，Iwill。"
　　ThateveningafterdinnerhetookMr。Starlingintothesmoking—
　　roomandcard—room。Theyhadsomethinghot。At4A。M。，withtheassistanceofthesteward，heprojectedMr。StarlingintoMrs。
　　Starling’sstateroom，delicatelywithdrawingtoevadethelady’sthanks。AtbreakfasthesawMissBike。"Thankyousomuch，"shesaid；"Mrs。StarlingfoundStarlinggreatlyimproved。Hehimselfadmittedhewas’neverberrer’and，farfromworryingaboutwhatnight—clothesheshouldwear，wenttobedASHEWAS——eventohishat。Mrs。Starlingcallsyou’herpreserver，’andMr。Starlingdistinctlystatedthatyouwerea’jolly—good—fler。’"
　　"Andyou？"askedJohnLummox。
　　"Inyourpresentconditionofabnormalself—consciousnessandapperceptiveegotism，Ireallyshouldn’tliketosay。"
　　WhenthevoyagewasendedMr。LummoxwenttoseeMaryBikeatherhouse，andhisfather——whomhehadnotseenfortenyears——atHIS
　　house。Witharefinedabsenceofnaturalaffectionhecontentedhimselfwithinquiringoftheservantsastohisfather’shabits，andifhestillworedressclothesatdinner。Theinformationthuselicitedforcedhimtotheconclusionthattheoldgentleman’scircumstanceswerereduced，andthatitwaspossiblethathe，JohnLummox，mightbeactuallycompelledtoearnhisownliving。Hecommunicatedthatsuspiciontohisfatheratdinner，andoverthelastbottleof"Mouton，"acircumstancewhichalsohaddeterminedhiminhisresolution。"Youmight，"saidhisfatherthoughtfully，"offeryourselftosomerisingAmericannovelistasastudyforthenewhero，——oneabsolutelywithoutambition，capacity，orenergy；
　　willing，however，tobewhateverthenovelistchoosestomakehim，solongashehasn’ttochooseforhimself。Ifyourinordinateself—consciousnessisstillinyourway，Icouldgivehimafewpointsaboutyou，myself。"
　　"Ihadthought，"saidJohn，hesitatingly，"ofgoingintoyourofficeandbecomingyourpartnerinthebusiness。Youcouldalwayslookafterme，youknow。"
　　Ashudderpassedovertheoldman。Thenhetremblinglymutteredtohimself：
　　"Thankheaven!Thereisonewayitmaystillbeaverted!"
　　Retiringtohisroomhecalmlycommittedsuicide，thoughtfullyleavingtheemptypoisonbottleinthefender。
　　AndthisishowJohnLummoxcametoofferhimselfasaclerktoDan’lBorem。ThewaysofProvidenceareindeedstrange，yetthoseofthenovelistareonlyoccasionallynovel。
　　III
　　JohnK。LummoxlivedforaweekattheTurkeyBuzzardHotelexclusivelyondoughnutsandinnuendoes。HewasinformedbyMr。
　　Borem’sclerk——whoseplacehewastofill——thathewouldn’tbeabletostandit，andthusreceivedthecharacterofhisemployerfromhislastemployee。
　　"Isuppose，"saidDan’lBorem，chuckling，"thathesaidIwasaoldskinflint，goodonlyatahosstrade，uneddicated，ignorant，andunabletokeepaccounts，andanoppressoro’thewidderandorphan。
　　Allowedthatmycutesayin’swasakindo’ten—centparodyo’themproverbsinPoorRichard’sAlmanack!"
　　"Omittingafewexpletives，hecertainlydid，"returnedLummoxwithgreatdelicacy。
　　"Heallowedtome，"saidDan’lthoughtfully，"thatYOUwasapoorcritterthathadn’tasinglereasontoshowforlivin’：thatthefool—killerhadbinshadderin’youfromyourbirth，andthatyouhadn’tpaidacentprofitonyourfather’soriginalinvestmentinye，norontheassessmentshe’dpaidonyeeversince。Heseemstobeacutefellerarterall，andI’mrathersorryhe’sleavin’。"
　　"Iamquitewillingtoabandonmypositioninhisfavor，now，"saidLummoxwithalacrity。
　　"No，"saidDan’l，rubbinghischinargumentatively；"theonlywayforustodoistocircumventhimlikeinahosstrade——withsuthin’unexpected。Whenhethinksyou’regoin’tosleepintheshaftsyou’llrunaway；andwhenhethink’sI’mviciousI’llletawomanorachilddriveme。"
　　IV
　　"Well，Dan’l，how’sthatnewclerko’yoursgettin’on？"saidMrs。
　　Bigbyaweeklater。
　　"Purtyfine!He’sgoodataccountsandhezgottoknowtheBank’scustomersbythistime。ButIallusreckonedhe’dgetstuckwithsomeo’themcounterfeitnotes——andhehez!Yeseeheain’taccustomedtolookatafiveoratendollarnoteassharpassomemen，andhe’salreadytakenintwotensandafivecounterfeits。"
　　"Gracious!"saidMrs。Bigsby。"Whatdidthepoorfellerdo？"
　　"Oh，heupsandtellsme，allright，afterhediscoveredit。Andsezhe：’I’vechargedmyaccountwith’em，’sezhe，’sotheBankwon’tloseit。’"
　　"Why，Dan’l，"saidMrs。Bigsby，"yedidn’tletthatpoorfeller"——
　　"Youhol’on!"saidherbrother；"businessisbusiness；butIseztohim：’YeoughterputitdowntoProfitandLossaccount。Orperhapswe’llhaveachanceo’gettin’rido’them，——notinNooYork，wherefolksissharp，buthereinthecountry，andthenyekincredityourselfwiththeamountarteryou’vegotrido’them。’"
　　"Laws!I’msorryyedidthat，Dan’l，"saidMrs。Bigsby。
　　"Withthatherizup，"continuedDan’l，ignoringhissister，"and，takin’themcounterfeitnotesfrommyhand，sezhe：’ThemnotesbelongtoMEnow，’sezhe，’andI’mgoin’todestroy’em。’Andwiththathewalksovertothefireasstiffasapoker，andheldthemnotesinituntiltheywereburntcleanup。"
　　"Well，butthatwashonestandstraightforwardinhim!"saidMrs。
　　Bigsby。
　　"Um!butitwasn’tbusiness——andyesee"——Dan’lpausedandrubbedhischin。
　　"Well，goon!"saidMrs。Bigsbyimpatiently。
　　"Well，yesee，neitherhimnormewasverysmartindetectin’
　　counterfeits，orevenknowin’’em，and"——
　　"Well!Forgoodness’sake，Dan’l，speakout!"
　　"Well——THEDUMFOOLBURNTUPTHREEGOODBILLS，andweneitherofusknewit!"
　　V
　　The"unexpected"whichDan’lBoremhadhintedmightcharacterizehisfutureconductwasfirstintimatedbyhistreatmentofthe"WidowCully，"anagedandimpoverishedwomanwhosepropertywasheavilymortagedtohim。HehadcurtlysummonedhertocometohisofficeonChristmasDayandsettleup。Frightened，hopeless，andinthefaceofasnowstorm，theoldwomanattended，butwassurprisedbyreceivinga"satisfactionpiece"infullfromthebanker，andagorgeousChristmasdinner。"Allthesame，"saidMrs。
　　BigsbytoLummox，"Dan’lmighthevdoneallthiswithoutfrightenin’thepooroldcritterintoanervousfever，chillin’herthroughbymakin’herwalktwomilesthroughthesnow，andkeepin’
　　herontheraggededgeo’despairfortwomortalhours!Butit’shishumorousway。"
　　"Didhegiveanyreasonforbeingsolenienttothewidow？"askedLummox。
　　"Hesaidthathersonhadgivenhimacoreofhisapplewhentheywereboystogether。Dan’lezmightythoughtfulo’folksthatwaskindtohiminthemdays。"
　　"Isthatall？"saidLummox，astonished。
　　"Well——I’vekinderthoughtsuthin’else，"saidMrs。Bigsbyhesitatingly。
　　"What？"
　　"Thatitsbein’ChristmasDay——andasI’veheardtellthat’sNODAY
　　INLAW，butjustlikeSunday——Dan’lmebbethoughtthathemightcrawlouterthatsatisfactionpiece，efheeverwantedter!Dan’lismightycute。"
　　VI
　　Mr。JohnLummoxwasnotbehindhisemployerindevelopingunexpectedtraitsofcharacter。HithertoholdingalooffromhisneighborsinOldFolksville，hesuddenlywenttoasocialgathering，anddistinguishedhimselfastheprincipalandpopularguestoftheevening。AsDan’lBoremafterwardtoldhissister：
　　"Hewasoneo’themCombinationMinstrelsandVarietyShowsinone。
　　Hesangthroughawholeopery，madethepiannerjesthowl，gavesomerecitations，CasabiankerandBetsyandIareOut；imitatedallthemtragedians；didtrickswithcardsandfetchedrabbitsouterhats，besidesliftin’thepiannerwithtwomensittin’onit，jestbyhisteeth。Createdsnakes!"saidBorem，concludinghisaccount，whichhereisnecessarilyabbreviated，"efhelearntallthatinhistwoyearsinEuropeIain’tsayin’anythin’moreagin’
　　eddicationandfurrin’travelafterthis!Why，thenextdaytherewasquitearunontheBankjesttoseeHIM。Heismakin’thebiznesspop’lar。"
　　"Thenyethinkye’llgetalongtogether？"
　　"Ireckonwe’llhitchhosses，"saidDan’l，withasmile。
　　Afewweekslater，oneevening，Dan’lBoremsatwithhissisteralone。JohnLummox，whowasnowresidingwiththem，wasattendingasocialengagement。Mrs。BigsbyknewthatDan’lhadsomethingtocommunicate，butknewthathewoulddosoinhisownway。
　　"Speakin’o’hosstrades，"hebegan。
　　"WeWASN’Tandweain’tgoin’to，"saidMrs。Bigsbywithgreatpromptness。"I’veheardenoughof’em。"
　　"Butthishereonehezsuthin’todowithyourfr’en’，JohnLummox，"saidDan’l，withachuckle。
　　Mrs。Bigsbystared。"Goon，then，"shesaid，but，forgoodness’
　　sake，cutitshort。"
　　Dan’lthrewawayhisquidandreplenisheditfromhissilvertobaccobox。Mrs。Bigsbyshudderedslightlyassherecognizedtheusualpreliminarytoprolixity，butdetermined，asfaraspossible，tomakeherbrotherbrief。
　　"Itmoutbetwoweeksago，"beganDan’l，"thatIseeJohnLummoxoveratPalmyra，wherehe’dbinvisitin’。Hewasdrivin’ahoss，thebeautifulestcritter——forcolor——Ieversaw。Itwasyaller，withmaneandtailakindergolden，likethehairo’themBritishBlondesthatwashereintheVarietyShow。"
　　"Dan’l!"exclaimedMrs。Bigsby，horrified。"Andyouallowedyouneverwentthar!"
　　"Saw’emontheposters——andmebbethecolorwasalittlebrighterthar，"saidDan’lcarelessly——"butwho’sinterruptin’now？"
　　"Goon，"saidMrs。Bigsby。
　　"’Gotafinehossthar，’sezI；’reckonIneverseesuchapurtycolor，’sezI。’Heispurty，’sezhe，’per’apstoopurtyforMEtobea—drivin’，butheisn’tfast。’’Iain’tspeakin’o’that，’sezI；’it’shislooksthatI’mtalkin’of；wharmightyehevgothim？’
　　’Hewasofferedtomebyafr’en’o’meboyhood，’sezhe；’he’sapintomustang，’sezhe，’fromCaliforny，whartheybreed’em。’
　　’What’sapintohoss？’sezI。’Thesameezacalicohoss，’sezhe；
　　’whattheyhaveincirkises，butyeneversee’emthatcolor。’Enhewasright，forwhenIlookedhimoverIneverDIDseesuchasoftandsilkycoat，andhismaneandtailjestglistened。’ItIS
　　alittletooshowyforye，’sezI，’butImighttakehimatafairprice。What’syourfr’en’askin’？’’Hewon’tsellhimtoanybodybutme，’sezLummox；’he’sahorroro’hosstraders，anyway，andhispriceismorelikeagifttoafr’en’。’’Whatmightthatpricebe，efit’safairquestion？’sezI，forthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIlikedhim。’Ahundredandfiftydollars，’sezhe；
　　’butmyfr’en’wouldaskYOUdoublethat。’’Couldn’tYOUandME
　　makeatrade？’sezI；’I’llexchangeyethatroanmare，that’sworthtwohundred，forthishossandfiftydollars。’Withthathedrewhimselfup，andsezhe：’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’Isharemyfr’en’sopinionabouthosstradin’，andIpromisedmymotherI’dneverswaphosses。Yououghttoknowmebythistime。’"
　　"That’sso!"saidMrs。Bigsby；"I’mwonderin’yedaredtoaxhim。"
　　Dan’lpassedhishandoverhismouth，andcontinued："’Idunnobutyou’reright，Lummox，’sezI；’per’apsit’sjestaswellastharwasn’tTWOintheBankinthatbizness。’ButthemoreIlookedatthehossthemoreIhankeredarterhim。’Lookhere，’sezI，’I
　　tellyewhatI’lldo!I’llLENDyoumyhossandyou’llLENDmeyourn。I’lldrawupapapertothateffect，andprovidethatincaseo’accidents，efIdon’treturnyouyourhoss，I’llagreetopayyouahundredandfiftydollars。You’llgivemethesamekindo’paperaboutmyhoss——withtheprovisothatyoupaymetwohundredforhim!’’Excuseme，Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’butthatdifferenceoffiftymakesahosstradeaccordin’tomymind。It’sagin’myprinciplestomakesuchanagreement。’"
　　"An’hewasright，Dan’l，"saidMrs。Bigsbyapprovingly。
　　ButDan’lwipedhismouthagain，leaving，however，asingularsmileonit。"Well，ezIwantedthathoss，Ijestthoughtandthought!
　　IknewIcouldgettwohundredandfiftyforhimeasy，andthatLummoxdidn’tknowanythin’ofhisvaloo，andIfinallyagreedtomaketheswapeven。’Whatdoyoucallhim？’sezI。’Pegasus，’sezhe，——’thepoet’shoss，onaccounto’hisgoldenmane，’sezhe。
　　Thatmademelaff，forIneverknewapoetezcouldaffordtohevahoss，——muchlessonelikethat!ButIsaid：’I’llborryPegasuso’
　　youonthoseterms。’ThenextdayItookthehosstoJonesville；
　　Lummoxwasright：hewasn’tFAST，but，jestasIexpected，hemadeasensation!FolkscrowdedroundhimwheneverIstopped；wimminfollowedhimandchildrencriedforhim。Icouldhevsoldhimforthreehundredwithoutleavin’town!’SoyecallhimPegasus，’sezDocSmith，grinnin’；’Ididn’tknownyewassubjecttothedivineafflatus，Dan’l。’’Idon’offenhevit，’sezI，’butwhenIdoI
　　findalittlestraightgindoesmegood。’’SodidByron，’sezhe，chucklin’。ButevenifIhadcalledhim’Beelzebub’thehulltownwouldhevbinjestascrazyoverhim。Well，asitwascomin’ontorainIstartedjestaftersundownforhome。Butitcameterblow，an’terpourcatsanddogs，an’Iwasnighwashedouto’thebuggy，besideslosin’mywayandgettin’interditchesandpuddles，andI
　　hedtostopatStaples’Half—WayHouseandputupforthenight。
　　Inthemornin’Irizupearlyandgoesintothestableyard，andthefirstthingIseeswasthe’ostler。’Ihopeyegiv’myhossagoodscrubdown，’Isez，’asItoldye，forhiscoloristhatdelicatethesmallestspotshows。It’saveryrarecolorforahoss。’’Iwashopin’itmightbe，’sezhe。Iwasalittlehuffedatthat，andIsez：’It’sconsideredaverybeautifulcolor。’
　　’Mebbeitis，’sezhe，’butInevercaredmuchforfireworks。’
　　’Whatyermean？’sezI。’Lookhere，Squire!’sezhe；’Idon’tmindscourin’andrubbin’downahossthatwillstaythesamecolorTWICE，butwhenhegetstoplayin’akaladeoskopeonme，Ikick!’
　　’Trothimout，’sezI，beginnin’tofeelqueer。Withthathefetchedoutthehoss!ForaminitIhedtoketchontothefencetokeepmyselffromfallin’。Iswonny!efhedidn’tlooklikeacaseofmeaslesontopo’yallerfever——’ceptwheretheharnesshadtouchedhim，andthatwaskinderstenciledoutalloverhim。Tharwasplaceswharthe’ostlerhadwasheddowntothefoundationcolor，akindo’chewedlicorice!ThenIknewthatsomebodyhadbinsoldterrible，andIreckoneditmightbeme!ButIsaidnothin’tothe’ostler，andwaiteduntildark，whenIdrovehimoverhere，andputhiminthestables，lettin’nooneseehim。Inthemornin’Lummoxcomestome，andsezhe：’I’mgladtoseeyouback，’sezhe，’formyconscienceistroublin’meaboutthathossagreement；itlookstoomuchlikeahosstrade，’sezhe，’andI’mgoin’tosendthehossback。’’Mebbeyourconscience，’sezI，’maytroubleyoualittlemoreefyou’llstepthisway；’andwiththatI
　　takeshisarmandleadshimroundtothestableandbringsoutthehoss。
　　"Well，Lummoxneverchangesezmuchasahair，ezheputsuphiseyeglasses。’I’mnotgoodatwhat’scalled"Pop’larArt，"’sezhe。
　　’Isitachromo，oryourownwork？’sezhe，criticallike。
　　"’It’sYOURHOSS，’sezI。
　　"Helooksatmeaminitandthendrorsapaperfromhispocket。
　　’Thispaper，’sezheinhisquietway，’wasdroredupbyyouandisacovenanttoreturntomeayallerhosswithgoldenmaneandtail——
　　orahundredandfiftydollars。EzIdon’tseethehossanywhere——
　　mebbeyou’vegotthehundredandfiftydollarshandy？’sezhe。
　　’SupposeIhadn’tthemoney？’sezI。’Ishouldbeobliged，’sezheinakindo’painedChristian—martyrway，’tersellYOURhossfortwohundred，andsendthemoneytomyfr’en’。’WelookedateachothersteddyforaminitandthenIcountshimoutahundredandfifty。Hetookthemoneysad—likeandthensez：’Mr。Borem，’sezhe，’thisisagreatmorrillessontous，’andwentbacktotheoffice。InthearternoonIcalledinanoldhossdealerthatI
　　knewandshowshimPegasus。
　　"’Hewantsrenewin’，’sezhe。
　　"’Wot’sthat？’sezI。
　　"’Afewmorebottleso’thatBritishBlondeHairDyetosethimupag’in。That’swottheyallusdointhecirkis，wharhekemfrom。’
　　"ThenIwentbacktotheofficeandItookdownmysign。’What’sthatyouredoin’？’sezLummox，withasicklykindo’smile。’Areyougoin’outo’thebizness？’
　　"’No，I’monlygoin’tochangethatsignfrom"Dan’lBorem"to"BoremandLummox，"’sezI。’I’veconcludedit’scheaperformetotakeyouinterpartnershipnowthantocontinueinthisway，whichwouldonlyendinyourhevin’totakemeinlater。IpreferredtoDOITFUST。’"
　　VII
　　Arichman，andsettledinbusiness，JohnLummoxconcludedthathewouldmarryMaryBike。Withthatfar—sightedlogicwhichhadalwayscharacterizedhimhereasonedthat，havingfirstmetheronaliner，hewouldfindheragainononeifhetookpassagetoEurope。Hedid——butshewasdownonthepassengerlistasMrs。
　　EdwinWraggles。TheresultoftheirinterviewwasgiventoMrs。
　　BigsbybyDan’lBoreminhisowndialect。
　　"EzfarasIkinsee，itwasliketheDeacon’sSundayhosstrade，bein’all’Efitwassent。’’Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，’sezLummox，sezhe，’I’dbetellin’yehowI’velovedyeeversenceI
　　firstseedye。Efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，I’dbesqueezin’yerhand，’sezhe；’efyewasn’tMrs。Wraggles，I’dbeaskin’yetomarryme。’Thenthegalupsandsez，sezshe：’ButIAIN’TMrs。
　　Wraggles，’sezshe；’Mrs。Wragglesismysister，andcouldn’tcome，soI’mtravelin’onherticket，andthat’showmynameisWragglesonthepassengerlist。’’Butwhydidn’tyetellmesoatonce？’
　　sezLummox。’Thisisanepisoodeo’protractedhumor，’sezshe，’andI’Mboundtohaveashowinitsomehow!’"
　　"Well!"saidMrs。Bigsbybreathlessly；"thenheDIDmarryher？"
　　"DarnedefIknow。Heneversaidsostraightout——butthat’slikeLummox。"
　　STORIESTHREE
　　BYR——DY——DK——PL——G
　　I
　　FORSIMLAREASONS
　　Somepeoplesaythatimprobablethingsdon’tnecessarilyhappeninIndia——butthesepeopleneverfindimprobabilitiesanywhere。Thissoundsclever，butyouwillatonceperceivethatitreallymeanstheoppositeofwhatIintendedtosay。Sowe’lldropit。WhatI
　　amtryingtotellyouisthatafterSparkleyhadthataffairwithMissMillikensasingularchangecameoverhim。Hegrewabstractedandsolitary，——holdingdarkseanceswithhimself，——whichwasodd，aseverybodyknewhenevercaredarapfortheMillikensgirl。Itwasevensaidthathewasoffhishead——whichisrhyme。Buthisreasonwasundoubtedlyaffected，forhehadbeenheardtomutterincoherentlyattheClub，and，strangestofall，toanswerquestionsTHATWERENEVERASKED!ThiswassoawkwardinthatBranchoftheCivilDepartmentofwhichhewasahighofficial——
　　wheretherulewasexactlythereverse——thathewaspresentlyinvalidedonfullpay!Thenhedisappeared。CleverpeoplesaiditwasbecausetheDepartmentwasafraidhehadstillmuchtoanswerfor；stupidpeoplesimplyenviedhim。
　　Mrs。Awksby，whomeverybodyknewhadbeenthecauseofbreakingoffthematch，wasnowwildtoknowthereasonofSparkley’sretirement。Sheattackedheavenandearth，andevenwentastephigher——totheViceroy。Atthevice—regalballIsaw，behindthecurtainsofawindow，herrollingviolet—blueeyeswithasingularglitterinthem。ItwasthereflectionoftheViceroy’sstar，althoughtherestofhisExcellencywashiddeninthecurtain。I
　　heardhimsaying，"Comenow!really，now，youare——youknowyouare!"inreplytohercooingquestioning。Thenshemadeadashatmeandcapturedme。
　　"Whatdidyouhear？"
　　"NothingIshouldnothaveheard。"
　　"Don’tbelikealltheothermen——yousillyboy!"sheanswered。"I
　　wasonlytryingtofindoutsomethingaboutSparkley。AndIwillfinditouttoo，"shesaid，clinchingherthinlittlehand。"Andwhat’smore，"sheadded，turningonmesuddenly，"YOUshallhelpme!"
　　"I？"Isaidinsurprise。
　　"Don’tpretend!"shesaidpoutingly。"You’retooclevertobelievehe’scutupovertheMillikens。No——it’ssomethingawfulor——
　　anotherwoman!Now，ifIknewasmuchofIndiaasyoudo——andwasn’tawoman，andcouldgowhereIliked——I’dgotoBunglooreandfindhim。"
　　"Oh!Youhavehisaddress？"Isaid。
　　"Certainly!WhatdidyouexpectIwasbehindthecurtainwiththeViceroyfor？"shesaid，openinghervioleteyesinnocently。"It’sBungloore——FirstTurningtotheRight——AttheEndofthepassage。"
　　Bungloore——nearGhouliPass——intheJungle!Iknewtheplace，aspotofdankpestilenceandmystery。"Younevercouldhavegonethere，"Isaid。
　　"YoudonotknowWHATIcoulddoforaFRIEND，"shesaidsweetly，veilinghereyesindemuresignificance。
　　"Oh，comeofftheroof!"Isaidbluntly。
　　Shecouldbeobedientwhenitwasnecessary。Shecameoff。Notwithoutherrevenge。"TrytorememberyouarenotatschoolwiththeStalkies，"shesaid，andturnedaway。
　　IwenttoBungloore，——notonheraccount，butmyown。Ifyoudon’tknowIndia，youwon’tknowBungloore。It’sallthatandmore。Aneggdroppedbyavulture，satuponandaddledbytheDepartment。
　　ButIknewthehouseandwalkedboldlyin。AlionwalkedoutofonedoorasIcameinatanother。Wedidthistwoorthreetimes——
　　andfounditamusing。Alargecobrainthehallroseup，bowedasIpassed，andrespectfullyremovedhishood。
　　Ifoundthepooroldboyattheendofthepassage。ItmighthavebeenthepassagebetweenCalaisandDover，——helookedsogreen，solimpanddejected。Iaffectednottonoticeit，andthrewmyselfinachair。
　　Hegazedatmeforamomentandthensaid，"Didyouhearwhatthechairwassaying？"
　　Itwasanordinarybambooarmchair，andhadcreakedaftertheusualfashionofbamboochairs。Isaidso。
　　Hecasthiseyestotheceiling。"Hecallsit’creaking，’"hemurmured。"Nomatter，"hecontinuedaloud，"itsremarkwasnotofacomplimentarynature。It’sverydifficulttogetreallypolitefurniture。"
　　Themanwasevidentlystark，staringmad。Istillaffectednottoobserveit，andaskedhimifthatwaswhyheleftSimla。