"Itisastonishing，"musedtheChristian，"howviolentandhowgeneralarereligiousanimosities。Everywhereintheworldthedevoteesofeachlocalfaithabhorthedevoteesofeveryother，andabstainfrommurderonlysolongastheydarenotcommitit。Andthestrangestthingaboutitisthatallreligionsareerroneousandmischievousexceptingmine。Mine，thankGod，istrueandbenign。"
　　SosayinghevisiblysmuggedandwentofftotelegraphforabrigadeofcutthroatstoprotectChristianinterests。
　　ThePenitentElectorAPERSONbelongingtotheSocietyforPassingResolutionsofRespectfortheMemoryofDeceasedMembershavingdiedreceivedthecustomaryattention。
　　"GoodHeavens!"exclaimedaSovereignElector，onhearingtheresolutionsread，"whatalosstothenation!AndtothinkthatI
　　oncevotedagainstthatangelforInspectorofGate—latchesinPublicSquares!"
　　InremorsetheSovereignElectordeprivedhimselfofpoliticalinfluencebylearningtoread。
　　TheTailoftheSphinxADOGofataciturndispositionsaidtohisTail：
　　"WheneverIamangry，youriseandbristle；whenIampleased，youwag；whenIamalarmed，youtuckyourselfinoutofdanger。Youaretoomercurial—youdiscloseallmyemotions。Mynotionisthattailsaregiventoconcealthought。ItismydearestambitiontobeasimpassiveastheSphinx。"
　　"Myfriend，youmustrecognisethelawsandlimitationsofyourbeing，"repliedtheTail，withflexionsappropriatetothesentimentsuttered，"andtrytobegreatsomeotherway。TheSphinxhasonehundredandfiftyqualificationsforimpassivenesswhichyoulack。"
　　"Whatarethey？"theDogasked。
　　"Onehundredandforty—ninetonsofsandonhertail。"
　　"And—？"
　　"Astonetail。"
　　AProphetofEvilANUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrustsawaManLeaningonaSpade，andaskedhimwhyhewasnotatwork。
　　"Because，"saidtheManLeaningonaSpade，"IbelongtotheGravediggers’NationalExtortionSociety，andwehavedecidedtolimittheproductionofgravesandgetmoremoneyforthereducedoutput。Wehaveacorneringravesandproposetoworkittothebestadvantage。"
　　"Myfriend，"saidtheUndertakerWhoWasaMemberofaTrust，"thisisamosthatefulandinjuriousscheme。Ifpeoplecannotbeassuredofgraves，Ifeartheywillnolongerdie，andthebestinterestsofcivilisationwillwitherlikeafrostedleaf。"
　　Andblowinghiseyesuponhishandkerchief，hewalkedawaylamenting。
　　TheCrewoftheLife—boatTHEGallantCrewatalife—savingstationwereabouttolaunchtheirlife—boatforaspinalongthecoastwhentheydiscovered，butalittledistanceaway，acapsizedvesselwithadozenmenclingingtoherkeel。
　　"Wearefortunate，"saidtheGallantCrew，"tohaveseenthatintime。Ourfatemighthavebeenthesameastheirs。"
　　Sotheyhauledthelife—boatbackintoitshouse，andweresparedtotheserviceoftheircountry。
　　ATreatyofPeaceTHROUGHmassacresofeachother’scitizensChinaandtheUnitedStateshadbeenfourtimesplungedintodevastatingwars，when，intheyear1994，aroseaPhilosopherinMadagascar，wholaidbeforetheGovernmentsofthetwodistractedcountriesthefollowingMODUS
　　VIVENDI：
　　"Massacresaretobesternlyforbiddenasheretofore；butanycitizenorsubjectofeithercountrydisobeyingtheinjunctionistodetachthescalpsofallpersonsmassacredanddepositthemwithalocalofficerdesignatedtoreceiveandpreservethemandsworntokeepandrenderatrueaccountthereof。Attheconclusionofeachmassacreineithercountry，orassoonthereafteraspracticable，oratstatedregularperiods，asmaybeprovidedbytreaty，thereshallbeanexchangeofscalpsbetweenthetwoGovernments，scalpforscalp，withoutregardtosexorage；theGovernmenthavingthegreatestnumberistobetaxedontheexcessattherateof$1000ascalp，andtheotherGovernmentcreditedwiththeamount。Onceineverydecadethereshallbeageneralsettlement，whenthebalancedueshallbepaidtothecreditornationinMexicandollars。"
　　Theplanwasadopted，thenecessarytreatymade，withlegislationtocarryoutitsprovisions；theMadagascarenePhilosophertookhisseatintheTempleofImmortality，andPeacespreadherwhitewingsoverthetwonations，totheunspeakabledefilingofherplumage。
　　TheNightsideofCharacterAGIFTEDandHonourableEditor，whobypracticeofhisprofessionhadacquiredwealthanddistinction，appliedtoanOldFriendforthehandofhisdaughterinmarriage。
　　"Withallmyheart，andGodblessyou!"saidtheOldFriend，graspinghimbybothhands。"ItisagreaterhonourthanIhaddaredtohopefor。"
　　"Iknewwhatyouranswerwouldbe，"repliedtheGiftedandHonourableEditor。"Andyet，"headded，withaslysmile，"IfeelthatIoughttogiveyouasmuchknowledgeofmycharacterasI
　　possess。Inthisscrap—bookissuchtestimonyrelatingtomyshadyside，asIhavewithinthepasttenyearsbeenabletocutfromthecolumnsofmycompetitorsinthebusinessofelevatinghumanitytoahigherplaneofmindandmorals—my’loathsomecontemporaries。’"
　　Layingthebookonatable，hewithdrewinhighspiritstomakearrangementsforthewedding。Threedayslaterhereceivedthescrap—bookfromamessenger，withanotewarninghimneveragaintodarkenhisOldFriend’sdoor。
　　"See!"theGiftedandHonourableEditorexclaimed，pointingtothatinjunction—"Iamapainterandgrainer!"
　　AndhewasledawaytotheAsylumfortheIndiscreet。
　　TheFaithfulCashierTHECashierofabankhavingdefaultedwasaskedbytheDirectorswhathehaddonewiththemoneytaken。
　　"Iamgreatlysurprisedbysuchaquestion，"saidtheCashier；"itsoundsasifyoususpectedmeofselfishness。Gentlemen，IappliedthatmoneytothepurposeforwhichItookit；Ipaiditasaninitiationfeeandoneyear’sduesinadvancetotheTreasureroftheCashiers’MutualDefenceAssociation。"
　　"Whatistheobjectofthatorganisation？"theDirectorsinquired。
　　"Whenanyoneofitsmembersisundersuspicion，"repliedtheCashier，"theAssociationundertakestoclearhischaracterbysubmittingevidencethathewasneveraprominentmemberofanychurch，norforemostinSunday—schoolwork。"
　　Recognisingthevaluetothebankofaspotlessreputationforitsofficers，thePresidentdrewhischeckfortheamountoftheshortageandtheCashierwasrestoredtofavour。
　　TheCircularClewADETECTIVEsearchingforthemurdererofadeadmanwasaccostedbyaClew。
　　"Followme，"saidtheClew，"andthere’snoknowingwhatyoumaydiscover。"
　　SotheDetectivefollowedtheClewawholeyearthroughathousandsinuosities，andatlastfoundhimselfintheofficeoftheMorgue。
　　"There!"saidtheClew，pointingtotheopenregister。
　　TheDetectiveeagerlyscannedthepage，andfoundanofficialstatementthatthedeceasedwasdead。ThereuponhehastenedtoPoliceHeadquarterstoreportprogress。TheClew，meanwhile，saunteredamongthebusyhauntsofmen，arminarmwithanIngeniousTheory。"
　　TheDevotedWidowAWIDOWweepingonherhusband’sgravewasapproachedbyanEngagingGentlemanwho，inarespectfulmanner，assuredherthathehadlongentertainedforherthemosttenderfeelings。
　　"Wretch!"criedtheWidow。"Leavemethisinstant!Isthisatimetotalktomeoflove？"
　　"Iassureyou，madam，thatIhadnotintendedtodisclosemyaffection，"theEngagingGentlemanhumblyexplained，"butthepowerofyourbeautyhasovercomemydiscretion。"
　　"YoushouldseemewhenIhavenotbeencrying，"saidtheWidow。
　　TheHardyPatriotsADISPENSER—ELECTofPatronagegavenoticethroughthenewspapersthatapplicantsforplaceswouldbegivennoneuntilheshouldassumethedutiesofhisoffice。
　　"Youareexposingyourselftoagravedanger，"saidaLawyer。
　　"Howso？"theDispenser—Electinquired。
　　"Itwillbenearlytwomonths，"theLawyeranswered，"beforethedaythatyoumention。Fewpatriotscanlivesolongwithouteating，andsomeoftheapplicantswillbecompelledtogotoworkinthemeantime。Ifthatkillsthem，youwillbeliabletoprosecutionformurder。"
　　"Youunderratetheirpowersofendurance，"theofficialreplied。
　　"What!"saidtheLawyer，"youthinktheycanstandwork？"
　　"No，"saidtheother—"hunger。"
　　TheHumblePeasantANOfficeSeekerwhomthePresidenthadorderedoutofWashingtonwaswateringthehomewardhighwaywithhistears。
　　"Ah，"hesaid，"howdisastrousisambition!howunsatisfyingitsrewards!howterribleitsdisappointments!Beholdyonderpeasanttillinghisfieldinpeaceandcontentment!Heriseswiththelark，passesthedayinwholesometoil，andliesdownatnighttopleasantdreams。Inthemadstruggleforplaceandpowerhehasnopart；theroarofthestrifereacheshisearlikethedistantmurmuroftheocean。Happy，thricehappyman!Iwillapproachhimandbaskinthesunshineofhishumblefelicity。Peasant，allhail!"
　　Leaninguponhisrake，thePeasantreturnedthesalutationwithanod，butsaidnothing。
　　"Myfriend，"saidtheOfficeSeeker，"youseebeforeyouthewreckofanambitiousman—ruinedbythepursuitofplaceandpower。
　　ThismorningwhenIsetoutfromthenationalcapital—"
　　"Stranger，"thePeasantinterrupted，"ifyou’regoingbacktheresoonmaybeyouwouldn’tmindusingyourinfluencetomakemePostmasteratSmith’sCorners。"
　　Thetravellerpassedon。
　　TheVariousDelegationTHEKingofWideouthavingbeenofferedthesovereigntyofWayoff，sentfortheThreePersonswhohadmadetheoffer，andsaidtothem：
　　"Iamextremelyobligedtoyou，butbeforeacceptingsogreataresponsibilityImustascertainthesentimentsofthepeopleofWayoff。"
　　"Sire，"saidtheSpokesmanoftheThreePersons，"theystandbeforeyou。"
　　"Indeed!"saidtheKing；"areyou，then，thepeopleofWayoff？"
　　"Yes，yourMajesty。"
　　"Therearenotmanyofyou，"theKingsaid，attentivelyregardingthemwiththeroyaleye，"andyouarenotsoverylarge；Ihardlythinkyouareaquorum。Moreover，Ineverheardofyouuntilyoucamehere；whereasWayoffisnotedforthequalityofitsporkandcontainshogsofdistinction。IshallsendaCommissionertoascertainthesentimentsofthehogs。"
　　TheThreePersons，bowingprofoundly，backedoutofthepresence；
　　butsoonafterwardtheydesiredanotheraudience，and，onbeingreadmitted，said，throughtheirSpokesman：
　　"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，wearethehogs。"
　　TheNoCaseASTATESMANwhohadbeenindictedbyanunfeelingGrandJurywasarrestedbyaSheriffandthrownintojail。Asthiswasabhorrenttohisfinespiritualnature，hesentfortheDistrictAttorneyandaskedthatthecaseagainsthimbedismissed。
　　"Uponwhatgrounds？"askedtheDistrictAttorney。
　　"Lackofevidencetoconvict，"repliedtheaccused。
　　"Doyouhappentohavethelackwithyou？"theofficialasked。"I
　　shouldliketoseeit。"
　　"Withpleasure，"saidtheother；"hereitis。"
　　Sosayinghehandedtheotheracheck，whichtheDistrictAttorneycarefullyexamined，andthenpronounceditthemostcompleteabsenceofbothproofandpresumptionthathehadeverseen。Hesaiditwouldacquittheoldestmanintheworld。
　　AHarmlessVisitorATameetingoftheGoldenLeagueofMysteryaWomanwasdiscovered，writinginanote—book。AmemberdirectedtheattentionoftheSuperbHighChairmantoher，andshewasaskedtoexplainherpresencethere，andwhatshewasdoing。
　　"Icameinformyownpleasureandinstruction，"shesaid，"andwassostruckbythewisdomofthespeakersthatIcouldnothelpmakingafewnotes。"
　　"Madam，"saidtheSuperbHighChairman，"wehavenoobjectiontovisitorsiftheywillpledgethemselvesnottopublishanythingtheyhear。Areyou—onyourhonourasalady，now，madam—areyounotconnectedwithsomenewspaper？"
　　"Goodgracious，no!"criedtheWoman，earnestly。"Why，sir，IamanofficeroftheWomen’sPressAssociation!"
　　Shewaspermittedtoremain，andpresentedwithresolutionsofapology。
　　TheJudgeandtheRashActAJUDGEwhohadforyearslookedinvainforanopportunityforinfamousdistinction，butwhomnolitigantthoughtworthbribing，satonedayupontheBench，lamentinghishardlot，andthreateningtoputanendtohislifeifbusinessdidnotimprove。Suddenlyhefoundhimselfconfrontedbyadreadfulfigurecladinashroud，whosepallorandstonyeyessmotehimwithahorribleapprehension。
　　"Whoareyou，"hefaltered，"andwhydoyoucomehere？"
　　"IamtheRashAct，"wasthesepulchralreply；"youmaycommitme。"
　　"No，"thejudgesaid，thoughtfully，"no，thatwouldbequiteirregular。Idonotsitto—dayasacommittingmagistrate。"
　　ThePrerogativeofMightASLANDERtravellingrapidlythroughthelanduponitsjoyousmissionwasaccostedbyaRetractionandcommandedtohaltandbekilled。
　　"Yourcareerofmischiefisatanend，"saidtheRetraction，drawinghisclub，rollinguphissleeves，andspittingonhishands。
　　"Whyshouldyouslayme？"protestedtheSlander。"Whatevermyintentionswere，Ihavebeeninnocuous，foryouhavedoggedmystridesandcounteractedmyinfluence。"
　　"Doggedyourgrandmother!"saidtheRetraction，withcontemptuousvulgarityofspeech。"Intheorderofnatureitisappointedthatwetwoshallnevertravelthesameroad。"
　　"Howthen，"theSlanderasked，triumphantly，"haveyouovertakenme？"
　　"Ihavenot，"repliedtheRetraction；"wehaveaccidentallymet。I
　　cameroundtheworldtheotherway。"
　　Butwhenhetriedtoexecutehisfellpurposehefoundthatintheorderofnatureitwasappointedthathehimselfperishmiserablyintheencounter。
　　AnInflatedAmbitionTHEPresidentofagreatCorporationwentintoadry—goodsshopandsawaplacardwhichread：
　　"IfYouDon’tSeeWhatYouWant，AskForIt。"
　　Approachingtheshopkeeper，whohadbeennarrowlyobservinghimashereadtheplacard，hewasabouttospeak，whentheshopkeepercalledtoasalesman：
　　"John，showthisgentlemantheworld。"
　　RejectedServicesAHEAVYOperatorovertakenbyaReverseofFortunewasbewailinghissuddenfallfromaffluencetoindigence。
　　"Donotweep，"saidtheReverseofFortune。"Youneednotsufferalone。Nameanyoneofthemenwhohaveopposedyourschemes，andIwillovertakeHIM。"
　　"Itishardlyworthwhile，"saidthevictim，earnestly。"Notasoulofthemhasacent!"
　　ThePoweroftheScalawagAFORESTRYCommissionerhadjustfelledagianttreewhen，seeinganhonestmanapproaching，hedroppedhisaxeandfled。Thenextdaywhenhecautiouslyreturnedtogethisaxe，hefoundthefollowinglinespencilledonthestump：
　　"Whatnaturerearedbycenturiesoftoil，Ascalawaginhalfadaycanspoil；
　　AnequalfateforhimmayHeavenprovide—
　　Damnedinthemomentofhistallestpride。"
　　AtLarge—OneTemperATURBULENTPersonwasbroughtbeforeaJudgetobetriedforanassaultwithintenttocommitmurder，anditwasprovedthathehadbeenvariouslyobstreperouswithoutapparentprovocation，hadaffectedtheperipheriesofseverallucklessfellow—citizenswiththetrunkofasmalltree，andsubsequentlycleanedoutthetown。
　　Whiletryingtopalliatethesemisdeeds，thedefendant’sAttorneyturnedsuddenlytotheJudge，saying：
　　"DidyourHonoureverloseyourtemper？"
　　"Ifineyoutwenty—fivedollarsforcontemptofcourt!"roaredtheJudge，inwrath。"Howdareyoumentionthelossofmytemperinconnectionwiththiscase？"
　　Afteramoment’ssilencetheAttorneysaid，meekly：
　　"Ithoughtmyclientmightperhapshavefoundit。"
　　TheSeekerandtheSoughtAPOLITICIANseeingafatTurkeywhichhewantedfordinner，baitedahookwithagrainofcornanddraggeditbeforethefowlattheendofalongandalmostinvisibleline。WhentheTurkeyhadswallowedthehook，thePoliticianran，drawingthecreatureafterhim。
　　"Fellow—citizens，"hecried，addressingsometurkey—breederswhomhemet，"youobservethatthemandoesnotseekthebird，butthebirdseekstheman。ForthisunsolicitedandunexpecteddinnerI
　　thankyouwithallmyheart。"
　　HisFly—SpeckMajestyADISTINGUISHEDAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutionswasseenpicklinghisshinsintheocean。
　　"Whydon’tyoucomeoutondryland？"saidtheSpectator。"Whatareyouintherefor？"
　　"Sir，"repliedtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，"ashipisexpected，bearingHisMajestytheKingoftheFly—SpeckIslands，andIwishtobethefirsttograspthecrownedhand。"
　　"But，"saidtheSpectator，"yousaidinyourfamousspeechbeforetheSocietyforthePreventionoftheProtrusionofNailHeadsfromPlankSidewalksthatKingswereblood—smearedoppressorsandhell—
　　boundloafers。"
　　"Mydearsir，"saidtheDistinguishedAdvocateofRepublicanInstitutions，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthehorizon，"youwanderawayintothestrangestirrelevancies!IspokeofKingsintheabstract。"
　　ThePugilist’sDietTHETrainerofaPugilistconsultedaPhysicianregardingthechampion’sdiet。
　　"Beef—steaksaretootender，"saidthePhysician；"havehismeatcutfromtheneckofabull。"
　　"Ithoughtthesteaksmoredigestible，"theTrainerexplained。
　　"Thatisverytrue，"saidthePhysician；"buttheydonotsufficientlyexercisethechin。"
　　TheOldManandthePupilABEAUTIFULOldMan，meetingaSunday—schoolPupil，laidhishandtenderlyuponthelad’shead，saying："Listen，myson，tothewordsofthewiseandheedtheadviceoftherighteous。"
　　"Allright，"saidtheSunday—schoolPupil；"goahead。"
　　"Oh，Ihaven’tanythingtodowithitmyself，"saidtheBeautifulOldMan。"Iamonlyobservingoneofthecustomsoftheage。Iamapirate。"
　　Andwhenhehadtakenhishandfromthelad’shead，thelatterobservedthathishairwasfullofclottedblood。ThentheBeautifulOldManwenthisway，instructingotheryouth。
　　TheDeceasedandhisHeirsAMANdiedleavingalargeestateandmanysorrowfulrelationswhoclaimedit。Aftersomeyears，whenallbutonehadhadjudgmentgivenagainstthem，thatonewasawardedtheestate，whichheaskedhisAttorneytohaveappraised。
　　"Thereisnothingtoappraise，"saidtheAttorney，pocketinghislastfee。
　　"Then，"saidtheSuccessfulClaimant，"whatgoodhasallthislitigationdoneme？"
　　"Youhavebeenagoodclienttome，"theAttorneyreplied，gatheringuphisbooksandpapers，"butImustsayyoubetrayasurprisingignoranceofthepurposeoflitigation。"
　　ThePoliticiansandthePlunderSEVERALPoliticalEntitiesweredividingthespoils。
　　"Iwilltakethemanagementoftheprisons，"saidaDecentRespectforPublicOpinion，"andmakearadicalchange。"
　　"AndI，"saidtheBlottedEscutcheon，"willretainmypresentgeneralconnectionwithaffairs，whilemyfriendhere，theSoiledErmine，willremainintheJudiciary。"
　　ThePoliticalPotsaiditwouldnotboilanymoreunlessreplenishedfromtheFilthyPool。
　　TheCohesivePowerofPublicPlunderquietlyremarkedthatthetwobosseswould，hesupposed，naturallybehisshare。
　　"No，"saidtheDepthofDegradation，"theyhavealreadyfallentome。"
　　TheManandtheWartAPERSONwithaWartonHisNosemetaPersonSimilarlyAfflicted，andsaid：
　　"LetmeproposeyournameformembershipintheImperialOrderofAbnormalProboscidians，ofwhichIamtheHighNobleTobyandSurreptitiousTreasurer。TwomonthsagoIwastheonlymember。
　　Onemonthagothereweretwo。To—daywenumberfourEmperorsoftheAbnormalProboscisingoodstanding—doubleseveryfourweeks，see？That’sgeometricalprogression—youknowhowthatpilesup。
　　InayearandahalfeverymaninCaliforniawillhaveawartonhisNose。PowerfulOrder!Initiation，fivedollars。"
　　"Myfriend，"saidthePersonSimilarlyAfflicted，"herearefivedollars。Keepmynameoffyourbooks。"
　　"Thankyoukindly，"theManwithaWartonHisNosereplied，pocketingthemoney；"itisjustthesametousasifyoujoined。
　　Good—by。"
　　Hewentaway，butinalittlewhilehewasback。
　　"Iquiteforgottomentionthemonthlydues，"hesaid。
　　TheDividedDelegationADELEGATIONatWashingtonwenttoaNewPresident，andsaid：
　　"YourExcellency，weareunabletoagreeuponaFavouriteSontorepresentusinyourCabinet。"
　　"Then，"saidtheNewPresident，"Ishallhavetolockyouupuntilyoudoagree。"
　　SotheDelegationwascastintothedeepestdungeonbeneaththemoat，whereitmaintainedadividedmindformanyweeks，butfinallyreconcileditsdifferencesandaskedtobetakenbeforetheNewPresident。
　　"Mychild，"saidhe，"nothingissobeautifulasharmony。MyCabinetSelectionswereallmadebeforeourformerinterview，butyouhavesuppliedanobleinstanceofpatriotisminsubordinatingyourpersonalpreferencestothegeneralgood。Gonowtoyourbeautifulhomesandbehappy。"
　　ItisnotrecordedthattheDelegationwashappy。
　　AForfeitedRightTHEChiefoftheWeatherBureauhavingpredictedafineday，aThriftyPersonhastenedtolayinalargestockofumbrellas，whichheexposedforsaleonthesidewalk；buttheweatherremainedclear，andnobodywouldbuy。ThereupontheThriftyPersonbroughtanactionagainsttheChiefoftheWeatherBureauforthecostoftheumbrellas。
　　"YourHonour，"saidthedefendant’sattorney，whenthecasewascalled，"Imovethatthisastonishingactionbedismissed。Notonlyismyclientinnowayresponsiblefortheloss，buthedistinctlyforeshadowedtheverythingthatcausedit。"
　　"Thatisjustit，yourHonour，"repliedthecounselfortheplaintiff；"thedefendantbymakingacorrectforecastfooledmyclientintheonlywaythathecoulddoso。Hehasliedsomuchandsonotoriouslythathehasneitherthelegalnormoralrighttotellthetruth。"
　　Judgmentfortheplaintiff。
　　RevengeANInsuranceAgentwastryingtoinduceaHardMantoDealWithtotakeoutapolicyonhishouse。Afterlisteningtohimforanhour，whilehepaintedinvividcolourstheextremedangeroffireconsumingthehouse，theHardMantoDealWithsaid：
　　"Doyoureallythinkitlikelythatmyhousewillburndowninsidethetimethatpolicywillrun？"
　　"Certainly，"repliedtheInsuranceAgent；"haveInotbeentryingallthistimetoconvinceyouthatIdo？"
　　"Then，"saidtheHardMantoDealWith，"whyareyousoanxioustohaveyourCompanybetmemoneythatitwillnot？"
　　TheAgentwassilentandthoughtfulforamoment；thenhedrewtheotherapartintoanunfrequentedplaceandwhisperedinhisear：
　　"Myfriend，Iwillimparttoyouadarksecret。YearsagotheCompanybetrayedmysweetheartbypromiseofmarriage。UnderanassumednameIhavewormedmyselfintoitsserviceforrevenge；andasthereisaheavenaboveus，Iwillhaveitsheart’sblood!"
　　AnOptimistTwoFrogsinthebellyofasnakewereconsideringtheiralteredcircumstances。
　　"Thisisprettyhardluck，"saidone。
　　"Don’tjumptoconclusions，"theothersaid；"weareoutofthewetandprovidedwithboardandlodging。"
　　"Withlodging，certainly，"saidtheFirstFrog；"butIdon’tseetheboard。"
　　"Youareacroaker，"theotherexplained。"Weareourselvestheboard。"
　　AValuableSuggestionABIGNationhavingaquarrelwithaLittleNation，resolvedtoterrifyitsantagonistbyagrandnavaldemonstrationinthelatter’sprincipalport。SotheBigNationassembledallitsshipsofwarfromallovertheworld，andwasabouttosendthemthreehundredandfiftythousandmilestotheplaceofrendezvous，whenthePresidentoftheBigNationreceivedthefollowingnotefromthePresidentoftheLittleNation：
　　"Mygreatandgoodfriend，Ihearthatyouaregoingtoshowusyournavy，inordertoimpressuswithasenseofyourpower。Howneedlesstheexpense!Toprovetoyouthatwealreadyknowallaboutit，Iincloseherewithalistanddescriptionofalltheshipsyouhave。"
　　Thegreatandgoodfriendwassostruckbythehardsenseoftheletterthathekepthisnavyathome，andsavedonethousandmilliondollars。Thiseconomyenabledhimtobuyasatisfactorydecisionwhenthecauseofthequarrelwassubmittedtoarbitration。
　　TwoFootpadsTwoFootpadssatattheirgroginaroadsideresort，comparingtheevening’sadventures。
　　"IstooduptheChiefofPolice，"saidtheFirstFootpad，"andI
　　gotawaywithwhathehad。"
　　"AndI，"saidtheSecondFootpad，"stooduptheUnitedStatesDistrictAttorney，andgotawaywith—"
　　"GoodLord!"interruptedtheotherinastonishmentandadmiration—
　　"yougotawaywithwhatthatfellowhad？"
　　"No，"theunfortunatenarratorexplained—"withasmallpartofwhatIhad。"
　　EquippedforServiceDURINGtheCivilWaraPatriotwaspassingthroughtheStateofMarylandwithapassfromthePresidenttojoinGrant’sarmyandseethefighting。StoppingadayatAnnapolis，hevisitedtheshopofawell—knownopticianandorderedsevenpowerfultelescopes，oneforeverydayintheweek。InrecognitionofthismunificentpatronageoftheState’slanguishingindustries，theGovernorcommissionedhimacolonel。
　　TheBaskingCycloneANEGROinaboat，gatheringdriftwood，sawasleepingAlligator，and，thinkingitwasalog，felltoestimatingthenumberofshinglesitwouldmakeforhisnewcabin。Havingsatisfiedhismindonthatpoint，hestuckhisboat—hookintothebeast’sbacktoharvesthisgoodfortune。Thereuponthesaurianemergedfromhisdreamandtooktothewater，greatlytothesurpriseoftheman—
　　and—brother。
　　"Ineverbefo’seensuchacycloneasdat，"heexclaimedassoonashehadrecoveredhisbreath。"Itdonecarryawayderufofmyhouse!"
　　AtthePoleAFTERagreatexpenditureoflifeandtreasureaDaringExplorerhadsucceededinreachingtheNorthPole，whenhewasapproachedbyaNativeGaleutwholivedthere。
　　"Goodmorning，"saidtheNativeGaleut。"I’mverygladtoseeyou，butwhydidyoucomehere？"
　　"Glory，"saidtheDaringExplorer，curtly。
　　"Yes，yes，Iknow，"theotherpersisted；"butofwhatbenefittomanisyourdiscovery？Towhattruthsdoesitgiveaccesswhichwereinaccessiblebefore？—facts，Imean，havingascientificvalue？"
　　"I’llbeTomscattedifIknow，"thegreatmanreplied，frankly；
　　"youwillhavetoasktheScientistoftheExpedition。"
　　ButtheScientistoftheExpeditionexplainedthathehadbeensoengrossedwiththecareofhisinstrumentsandthestudyofhistablesthathehadfoundnotimetothinkofit。
　　TheOptimistandtheCynicAMANwhohadexperiencedthefavoursoffortuneandwasanOptimist，metamanwhohadexperiencedanoptimistandwasaCynic。SotheCynicturnedoutoftheroadtolettheOptimistrollbyinhisgoldcarriage。
　　"Myson，"saidtheOptimist，stoppingthegoldcarriage，"youlookasifyouhadnotafriendintheworld。"
　　"Idon’tknowifIhaveornot，"repliedtheCynic，"foryouhavetheworld。"
　　ThePoetandtheEditor"MYdearsir，"saidtheeditortotheman，whohadcalledtoseeabouthispoem，"Iregrettosaythatowingtoanunfortunatealtercationinthisofficethegreaterpartofyourmanuscriptisillegible；abottleofinkwasupsetuponit，blottingoutallbutthefirstline—thatistosay—"
　　"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling。’
　　"Unluckily，nothavingreadthepoem，Iwasunabletosupplytheincidentsthatfollowed；otherwisewecouldhavegiventheminourownwords。Ifthenewsisnotstale，andhasnotalreadyappearedintheotherpapers，perhapsyouwillkindlyrelatewhatoccurred，whileImakenotesofit。
　　"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling，’
　　"Goon。"
　　"What!"saidthepoet，"doyouexpectmetoreproducetheentirepoemfrommemory？"
　　"Onlythesubstanceofit—justtheleadingfacts。Wewilladdwhateverisnecessaryinthewayofamplificationandembellishment。Itwilldetainyoubutamoment。
　　"’Theautumnleaveswerefalling，falling—’
　　"Now，then。"
　　Therewasasoundofaslowgettingupandgoingaway。Thechroniclerofpassingeventssatthroughit，motionless，withsuspendedpen；andwhenthemovementwascompletePoesywasrepresentedinthatplacebynothingbutawarmspotonthewoodenchair。
　　TheTakenHandASUCCESSFULManofBusiness，havingoccasiontowritetoaThief，expressedawishtoseehimandshakehands。
　　"No，"repliedtheThief，"therearesomethingswhichIwillnottake—amongthemyourhand。"
　　"Youmustusealittlestrategy，"saidaPhilosophertowhomtheSuccessfulManofBusinesshadreportedtheThief’shaughtyreply。
　　"Leaveyourhandoutsomenight，andhewilltakeit。"
　　SoonenighttheSuccessfulManofBusinesslefthishandoutofhisneighbour’spocket，andtheThieftookitwithavidity。
　　AnUnspeakableImbecileAJUDGEsaidtoaConvictedAssassin：
　　"Prisoneratthebar，haveyouanythingtosaywhythedeath—
　　sentenceshouldnotbepasseduponyou？"
　　"WillwhatIsaymakeanydifference？"askedtheConvictedAssassin。
　　"Idonotseehowitcan，"theJudgeanswered，reflectively。"No，itwillnot。"
　　"Then，"saidthedoomedone，"IshouldjustliketoremarkthatyouarethemostunspeakableoldimbecileinsevenStatesandtheDistrictofColumbia。"
　　ANeedfulWarTHEpeopleofMadagoniahadanantipathytothepeopleofNovakatkaandsetuponsomesailorsofaNovakatkanvessel，killingtwoandwoundingtwelve。TheKingofMadagoniahavingrefusedeithertoapologiseorpay，theKingofNovakatkamadewaruponhim，sayingthatitwasnecessarytoshowthatNovakatkansmustnotbeslaughtered。InthebattleswhichensuedthepeopleofMadagoniaslaughteredtwothousandNovakatkansandwoundedtwelvethousand。
　　ButtheMadagonianswereunsuccessful，whichsochagrinedthemthatneverthereafterinalltheirlandwasaNovakatkansecureinpropertyorlife。
　　TheMineOwnerandtheJackassWHILEtheOwnerofaSilverMinewasonhiswaytoattendaconventionofhisspecieshewasaccostedbyaJackass，whosaid：
　　"ByanunjustdiscriminationagainstquadrupedsIammadeineligibletoaseatinyourconvention；soIamcompelledtoseekrepresentationthroughyou。"
　　"Itwillgivemegreatpleasure，sir，"saidtheOwnerofaSilverMine，"toserveonesocloselyalliedtomein—in—well，youknow，"headded，withasignificantgestureofhistwohandsupwardfromthesidesofhishead。"Whatdoyouwant？"
　　"Oh，nothing—nothingatallformyselfindividually，"repliedtheDonkey；"buthiscountry’swelfareshouldbeapatriot’ssupremecare。IfAmericansaretoretainthesacredlibertiesforwhichtheirfathersstrove，CongressmustdeclareourindependenceofEuropeandictationbymaintainingthepriceofmules。"
　　TheDogandthePhysicianADOGthathadseenaPhysicianattendingtheburialofawealthypatient，said："Whendoyouexpecttodigitup？"
　　"WhyshouldIdigitup？"thePhysicianasked。
　　"WhenIburyabone，"saidtheDog，"itiswithanintentiontouncoveritlaterandpickit。"
　　"ThebonesthatIbury，"saidthePhysician，"arethosethatIcannolongerpick。"
　　ThePartyManagerandtheGentlemanAPARTYManagersaidtoaGentlemanwhomhesawmindinghisownbusiness：
　　"Howmuchwillyoupayforanominationtooffice？"
　　"Nothing，"theGentlemanreplied。
　　"Butyouwillcontributesomethingtothecampaignfundtoassistinyourelection，willyounot？"askedthePartyManager，winking。
　　"Oh，no，"saidtheGentleman，gravely。"Ifthepeoplewishmetoworkforthem，theymusthiremewithoutsolicitation。Iamverycomfortablewithoutoffice。"
　　"But，"urgedthePartyManager，"anelectionisathingtobedesired。Itisahighhonourtobeaservantofthepeople。"
　　"Ifservitudeisahighhonour，"theGentlemansaid，"itwouldbeindecentformetoseekit；andifobtainedbymyownexertionitwouldbenohonour。"
　　"Well，"persistedthePartyManager，"youwillatleast，Ihope，indorsethepartyplatform。"
　　TheGentlemanreplied："Itisimprobablethatitsauthorshaveaccuratelyexpressedmyviewswithoutconsultingme；andifI
　　indorsedtheirworkwithoutapprovingitIshouldbealiar。"
　　"Youareadetestablehypocriteandanidiot!"shoutedthePartyManager。
　　"Evenyourgoodopinionofmyfitness，"repliedtheGentleman，"shallnotpersuademe。"
　　TheLegislatorandtheCitizenANex—LegislatoraskedaMostRespectableCitizenforalettertotheGovernorrecommendinghimforappointmentasCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs。
　　"Sir，"saidtheMostRespectableCitizen，austerely，"wereyounotonceintheStateSenate？"
　　"Notsobadasthat，sir，Iassureyou，"wasthereply。"IwasamemberoftheSlowerHouse。Iwasexpelledforsellingmyinfluenceformoney。"
　　"Andyoudaretoaskformine!"shoutedtheMostRespectableCitizen。"Youhavetheimpudence？Amanwhowillacceptbribeswillprobablyofferthem。Doyoumeanto—"
　　"Ishouldnotthinkofmakingacorruptproposaltoyou，sir；butifIwereCommissionerofShrimpsandCrabs，Imighthavesomeinfluencewiththewater—frontpopulation，andbeabletohelpyoumakeyourfightforCoroner。"
　　"InthatcaseIdonotfeeljustifiedindenyingyoutheletter。"
　　Sohetookhispen，and，somedemonguidinghishand，hewrote，greatlytohisastonishment：
　　"Whosellshisinfluenceshouldstopit，Anhonestmanwillonlyswapit。"
　　TheRainmakerANOfficeroftheGovernment，withagreatoutfitofmule—waggonsloadedwithballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus，haltedinthemidstofadesert，wheretherehadbeennorainfortenyears，andsetupacamp。Afterseveralmonthsofpreparationandanexpenditureofamilliondollarsallwasinreadiness，andaseriesoftremendousexplosionsoccurredontheearthandinthesky。Thiswasfollowedbyagreatdown—pourofrain，whichwashedtheunfortunateOfficeroftheGovernmentandtheoutfitoffthefaceofcreationandaffectedtheagriculturalheartwithjoytoodeepforutterance。ANewspaperReporterwhohadjustarrivedescapedbyclimbingahillnearby，andtherehefoundtheSoleSurvivoroftheexpedition—amule—driver—downonhiskneesbehindamesquitebush，prayingwithextremefervour。
　　"Oh，youcan’tstopitthatway，"saidtheReporter。
　　"Myfellow—travellertothebarofGod，"repliedtheSoleSurvivor，lookingupoverhisshoulder，"yourunderstandingisindarkness。
　　Iamnotstoppingthisgreatblessing；underProvidence，Iambringingit。"
　　"Thatisaprettygoodjoke，"saidtheReporter，laughingaswellashecouldinthestranglingrain—"amuledriver’sprayeranswered!"
　　"Childoflevityandscoffing，"repliedtheother；"youerragain，misledbythesehumblehabiliments。IamtheRev。EzekielThrifft，aministerofthegospel，nowintheserviceofthegreatmanufacturingfirmofSkinn&Sheer。Theymakeballoons，kites，dynamitebombs，andelectricalapparatus。"
　　TheCitizenandtheSnakesAPUBLIC—SPIRITEDCitizenwhohadfailedmiserablyintryingtosecureaNationalpoliticalconventionforhiscitysufferedacutelyfromdejection。Whileinthatframeofmindheleanedthoughtlesslyagainstadruggist’sshow—window，whereinwereonehundredandfiftykindsofassortedsnakes。Theglassbreaking，thereptilesallescapedintothestreet。
　　"Whenyoucan’tdowhatyouwish，"saidthePublic—spiritedCitizen，"itisworthwhiletodowhatyoucan。"
　　FortuneandtheFabulistAWRITERofFableswaspassingthroughalonelyforestwhenhemetaFortune。Greatlyalarmed，hetriedtoclimbatree，buttheFortunepulledhimdownandbestoweditselfuponhimwithcruelpersistence。
　　"Whydidyoutrytorunaway？"saidtheFortune，whenhisstruggleshadceasedandhisscreamswerestilled。"Whydoyouglareatmesoinhospitably？"
　　"Idon’tknowwhatyouare，"repliedtheWriterofFables，deeplydisturbed。
　　"Iamwealth；Iamrespectability，"theFortuneexplained；"Iameleganthouses，ayacht，andacleanshirteveryday。Iamleisure，Iamtravel，wine，ashinyhat，andanunshinycoat。Iamenoughtoeat。"
　　"Allright，"saidtheWriterofFables，inawhisper；"butforgoodness’sakespeaklower。"
　　"Whyso？"theFortuneasked，insurprise。
　　"Soasnottowakeme，"repliedtheWriterofFables，aholycalmbroodinguponhisbeautifulface。
　　ASmilingIdolANIdolsaidtoaMissionary，"Myfriend，whydoyouseektobringmeintocontempt？Ifithadnotbeenforme，whatwouldyouhavebeen？Rememberthycreatorthatthydaysbelongintheland。"
　　"Iconfess，"repliedtheMissionary，fingeringanumberoften—centpieceswhichaSunday—schoolinhisowncountryhadforwardedtohim，"thatIamaproductofyou，butIprotestthatyoucannotquoteScripturewithaccuracyandpoint。ThereforewillIcontinuetogoupagainstyouwiththeSwordoftheSpirit。"
　　ShortlyafterwardstheIdol’sworshippersheldagreatreligiousceremonyatthebaseofhispedestal，andasapartoftheritestheMissionarywasroastedwhole。Asthetonguewasremovedforthehighpriest’stable，"Ah，"saidtheIdoltohimself，"thatistheSwordoftheSpirit—theonlySwordthatislessdangerouswhenunsheathed。"
　　AndhesmiledsopleasantlyathisownwitthattheprovincesofGhargaroo，M’gwana，andScowowwereaffectedwithablight。
　　PhilosophersThreeABEAR，aFox，andanOpossumwereattackedbyaninundation。
　　"Deathlovesacoward，"saidtheBear，andwentforwardtofighttheflood。
　　"Whatafool!"saidtheFox。"Iknowatrickworthtwoofthat。"
　　Andheslippedintoahollowstump。
　　"Therearemalevolentforces，"saidtheOpossum，"whichthewisewillneitherconfrontnoravoid。Thethingistoknowthenatureofyourantagonist。"
　　SosayingtheOpossumlaydownandpretendedtobedead。
　　TheBonelessKingSOMEApeswhohaddeposedtheirkingfellatonceintodissensionandanarchy。InthisstraittheysentaDeputationtoaneighbouringtribetoconsulttheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld。
　　"Mychildren，"saidtheOldestandWisestApeinAlltheWorld，whenhehadheardtheDeputation，"youdidrightinriddingyourselvesoftyranny，butyourtribeisnotsufficientlyadvancedtodispensewiththeformsofmonarchy。Enticethetyrantbackwithfairpromises，killhimandenthrone。Theskeletonofeventhemostlawlessdespotmakesagoodconstitutionalsovereign。"
　　AtthistheDeputationwasgreatlyabashed。"Itisimpossible，"
　　theysaid，movingaway；"ourkinghasnoskeleton；hewasstuffed。"
　　UncalculatingZealAMAN—EATINGtigerwasravagingtheKingdomofDamnasia，andtheKing，greatlyconcernedforthelivesandlimbsofhisRoyalsubjects，promisedhisdaughterZodroulratoanymanwhowouldkilltheanimal。AftersomedaysCamaraladdinappearedbeforetheKingandclaimedthereward。
　　"Butwhereisthetiger？"theKingasked。
　　"Mayjackassessingabovemyuncle’sgrave，"repliedCamaraladdin，"ifIdaredgowithinaleagueofhim!"
　　"Wretch!"criedtheKing，unsheathinghisconsoler—under—
　　disappointment；"howdareyouclaimmydaughterwhenyouhavedonenothingtoearnher？"
　　"Thouartwiser，OKing，thanSolymantheGreat，andthyservantisasdustinthetombofthydog，yetthouerrest。Ididnot，itistrue，killthetiger，butbehold!Ihavebroughttheethescalpofthemanwhohadaccumulatedfivemillionpiecesofgoldandwasaftermore。"
　　TheKingdrewhisconsoler—under—disappointment，and，flickingoffCamaraladdin’shead，said：
　　"Learn，caitiff，theexpediencyofuncalculatingzeal。Ifthemillionairehadbeenletalonehewouldhavedevouredthetiger。"
　　ATranspositionTRAVELLINGthroughthesage—brushcountryaJackassmetarabbit，whoexclaimedingreatastonishment：
　　"Goodheavens!howdidyougrowsobig？Youaredoubtlessthelargestrabbitliving。"
　　"No，"saidtheJackass，"youarethesmallestdonkey。"
　　AfteragooddealoffruitlessargumentthequestionwasreferredfordecisiontoapassingCoyote，whowasabitofademagogueanddesiroustostandwellwithboth。
　　"Gentlemen，"saidhe，"youarebothright，aswastohavebeenexpectedbypersonssogiftedwithappliancesforreceivinginstructionfromthewise。You，sir，"—turningtothesuperioranimal—"are，ashehasaccuratelyobserved，arabbit。Andyou"—
　　totheother—"arecorrectlydescribedasajackass。Intransposingyournamesmanhasactedwithincrediblefolly。"
　　TheyweresopleasedwiththedecisionthattheydeclaredtheCoyotetheircandidatefortheGrizzlyBearship；butwhetherheeverobtainedtheofficehistorydoesnotrelate。
　　TheHonestCitizenAPOLITICALPreferment，labelledwithitsprice，wascanvassingtheStatetofindapurchaser。OnedayitoffereditselftoaTrulyGoodMan，who，afterexaminingthelabelandfindingthepricewasexactlytwiceasgreatashewaswillingtopay，spurnedthePoliticalPrefermentfromhisdoor。ThenthePeoplesaid："Behold，thisisanhonestcitizen!"AndtheTrulyGoodManhumblyconfessedthatitwasso。
　　ACreakingTailANAmericanStatesmanwhohadtwistedthetailoftheBritishLionuntilhisarmsachedwasatlastrewardedbyasharp，raspingsound。
　　"Iknewyourfortitudewouldgiveoutafterawhile，"saidtheAmericanStatesman，delighted；"youragonyattestsmypoliticalpower。"
　　"AgonyIknownot!"saidtheBritishLion，yawning；"theswivelinmytailneedsafewdropsofoil，thatisall。"
　　WastedSweetsACANDIDATEcanvassinghisdistrictmetaNursewheelingaBabyinacarriage，and，stooping，imprintedakissupontheBaby’sclammymuzzle。Rising，hesawaMan，wholaughed。
　　"Whydoyoulaugh？"askedtheCandidate。
　　"Because，"repliedtheMan，"theBabybelongstotheOrphanAsylum。"
　　"ButtheNurse，"saidtheCandidate—"theNursewillsurelyrelatethetouchingincidentwherevershegoes，andperhapswritetoherformermaster。"
　　"TheNurse，"saidtheManwhohadlaughed，"isaninmateoftheInstitutionfortheIlliterate—Deaf—and—Dumb。"
　　SixandOneTHECommitteeonGerrymanderworkedlate，drawingintricatelinesonamapoftheState，andbeingwearysoughtreposeinagameofpoker。AtthecloseofthegamethesixRepublicanmemberswerebankruptandthesingleDemocrathadallthemoney。Onthenextday，whentheCommitteewascalledtoorderforbusiness，oneofthelucklesssixmountedhislegs，andsaid：
　　"Mr。Chairman，beforewebendtoournobletaskofpurifyingpolitics，intheinterestofgoodgovernmentIwishtosayawordoftheuntowardeventsoflastevening。IfmymemoryservesmethedisasterswhichovertooktheMajorityofthishonourablebodyalwaysbefellwhenitwastheMinority’sdeal。Itismysolemnconviction，Mr。Chairman，andtoitsaffirmationIpledgemylife，myfortune，andmysacredhonour，thatthatwickedandunscrupulousMinorityredistrictedthecards!"
　　TheSportsmanandtheSquirrelASPORTSMANwhohadwoundedaSquirrel，whichwasmakingdesperateeffortstodragitselfaway，ranafteritwithastick，exclaiming：
　　"Poorthing!Iwillputitoutofitsmisery。"
　　AtthatmomenttheSquirrelsstoppedfromexhaustion，andlookingupatitsenemy，said：
　　"Idon’tventuretodoubtthesincerityofyourcompassion，thoughitcomesratherlate，butyouseemtolackthefacultyofobservation。Doyounotperceivebymyactionsthatthedearestwishofmyheartistocontinueinmymisery？"
　　Atthisexposureofhishypocrisy，theSportsmanwassoovercomewithshameandremorsethathewouldnotstriketheSquirrel，butpointingitouttohisdog，walkedthoughtfullyaway。
　　TheFogyandtheSheikAFOGYwholivedinacavenearagreatcaravanroutereturnedtohishomeonedayandsaw，nearby，agreatconcourseofmenandanimals，andintheirmidstatower，atthefootofwhichsomethingwithwheelssmokedandpantedlikeanexhaustedhorse。HesoughttheSheikoftheOutfit。
　　"Whatsinartthoucommittingnow，OsonofaChristiandog？"saidtheFogy，withatrulyOrientalpoliteness。
　　"Boringforwater，youblack—and—tangaloot!"repliedtheSheikoftheOutfit，withthatreadyreparteewhichdistinguishestheUnbeliever。
　　"Knowestthounot，thouwhelpofdarknessandfatherofdisorderedlivers，"criedtheFogy，"thatwaterwillcausegrasstospringuphere，andtrees，andpossiblyevenflowers？Knowestthounot，thatthouart，intruth，producinganoasis？"
　　"Anddon’tyouknow，"saidtheSheikoftheOutfit，"thatcaravanswillthenstophereforrestandrefreshments，givingyouachancetostealthecamels，thehorses，andthegoods？"
　　"Maythewildhogdefilemygrave，butthouspeakestwisdom!"theFogyreplied，withthedignityofhisrace，extendinghishand。
　　"Sheik。"
　　Theyshook。
　　AtHeaven’sGateHAVINGarisenfromthetomb，aWomanpresentedherselfatthegateofHeaven，andknockedwithatremblinghand。
　　"Madam，"saidSaintPeter，risingandapproachingthewicket，"whencedoyoucome？"
　　"FromSanFrancisco，"repliedtheWoman，withembarrassment，asgreatbeadsofperspirationspangledherspiritualbrow。
　　"Nevermind，mygoodgirl，"theSaintsaid，compassionately。
　　"Eternityisalongtime；youcanlivethatdown。"
　　"Butthat，ifyouplease，isnotall。"TheWomanwasgrowingmoreandmoreconfused。"Ipoisonedmyhusband。Ichoppedupmybabies。I—"
　　"Ah，"saidtheSaint，withsuddenausterity，"yourconfessionsuggestsaverygravepossibility。WereyouamemberoftheWomen’sPressAssociation？"
　　Theladydrewherselfupandrepliedwithwarmth：
　　"Iwasnot。"
　　Thegatesofpearlandjasperswungbackupontheirgoldenhinges，makingthemostravishingmusic，andtheSaint，steppingaside，bowedlow，saying：
　　"Enter，then，intothineeternalrest。"
　　ButtheWomanhesitated。
　　"Thepoisoning—thechopping—the—the—"shestammered。
　　"Ofnoconsequence，Iassureyou。WearenotgoingtobehardonaladywhodidnotbelongtotheWomen’sPressAssociation。Takeaharp。"
　　"ButIappliedformembership—Iwasblackballed。"
　　"Taketwoharps。"
　　TheCattedAnarchistANAnarchistOratorwhohadbeenstruckinthefacewithaDeadCatbysomeRespectorofLawtohimunknown，hadtheDeadCatarrestedandtakenbeforeaMagistrate。
　　"Whydoyouappealtothelaw？"saidtheMagistrate—"Youwhogoinfortheabolitionoflaw。"
　　"That，"repliedtheAnarchist，whowasnotwithoutacertainhardnessofhead，"thatisnoneofyourbusiness；Iamnotboundtobeconsistent。YousitheretodojusticebetweenmeandthisDeadCat。"
　　"Verywell，"saidtheMagistrate，puttingontheblackcapandasolemnlook；"astheaccusedmakesnodefence，andisundoubtedlyguilty，Isentencehertobeeatenbythepublicexecutioner；andasthatpositionhappenstobevacant，Iappointyoutoit，withoutbonds。"
　　OneofthemostdelightedspectatorsattheexecutionwastheanonymousRespectorofLawwhohadflungthecondemned。
　　TheHonourableMemberAMEMBERofaLegislature，whohadpledgedhimselftohisConstituentsnottosteal，broughthomeattheendofthesessionalargepartofthedomeoftheCapitol。ThereupontheConstituentsheldanindignationmeetingandpassedaresolutionoftarandfeathers。
　　"Youaremostunjust，"saidtheMemberoftheLegislature。"ItistrueIpromisedyouIwouldnotsteal；buthadIeverpromisedyouthatIwouldnotlie？"
　　TheConstituentssaidhewasanhonourablemanandelectedhimtotheUnitedStatesCongress，unpledgedandunfledged。
　　TheExpatriatedBossABOSSwhohadgonetoCanadawastauntedbyaCitizenofMontrealwithhavingfledtoavoidprosecution。
　　"Youdomeagraveinjustice，"saidtheBoss，partingwithapairoftears。"IcametoCanadasolelybecauseofitspoliticalattractions；itsGovernmentisthemostcorruptintheworld。"
　　"Prayforgiveme，"saidtheCitizenofMontreal。
　　Theyfelluponeachother’sneck，andattheconclusionofthattouchingritetheBosshadtwowatches。
　　AnInadequateFeeANOx，unabletoextricatehimselffromthemireintowhichhesank，wasadvisedtomakeuseofaPoliticalPull。WhenthePoliticalPullhadarrived，theOxsaid："Mygoodfriend，pleasemakefasttome，andletnaturetakehercourse。"
　　SothePoliticalPullmadefasttotheOx’sheadandnaturetookhercourse。TheOxwasdrawn，first，fromthemire，and，next，fromhisskin。ThenthePoliticalPulllookedbackuponthegoodfatcarcaseofbeefthathewasdraggingtohislairandsaid，withadiscontentedspirit：
　　"Thatishardlymycustomaryfee；I’lltakehomethisfirstinstalment，thenreturnandbringanactionforsalvageagainsttheskin。"
　　TheJudgeandthePlaintiffAMANofExperienceinBusinesswasawaitingthejudgmentoftheCourtinanactionfordamageswhichhehadbroughtagainstarailwaycompany。ThedooropenedandtheJudgeoftheCourtentered。
　　"Well，"saidhe，"Iamgoingtodecideyourcaseto—day。IfI
　　shoulddecideinyourfavour，Iwonderhowyouwouldexpressyoursatisfaction？"
　　"Sir，"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，"Ishouldriskyourangerbyofferingyouonehalfthesumawarded。"
　　"DidIsayIwasgoingtodecidethatcase？"saidtheJudge，abruptly，asifawakeningfromadream。"Dearme，howabsent—
　　mindedIam。ImeanIhavealreadydecidedit，andjudgmenthasbeenenteredforthefullamountthatyousuedfor。"
　　"DidIsayIwouldgiveyouonehalf？"saidtheManofExperienceinBusiness，coldly。"Dearme，hownearIcametobeingarascal。
　　Imean，thatIamgreatlyobligedtoyou。"
　　TheReturnoftheRepresentativeHEARINGthattheLegislaturehadadjourned，thepeopleofanAssemblyDistrictheldamass—meetingtodeviseasuitablepunishmentfortheirrepresentative。Byonespeakeritwasproposedthathebedisembowelled，byanotherthathebemadetorunthegauntlet。Somefavouredhanging，somethoughtthatitwoulddohimgoodtoappearinasuitoftarandfeathers。Anoldman，famousforhiswisdomandhishabitofdroolingonhisshirt—
　　front，suggestedthattheyfirstcatchtheirhare。SotheChairmanappointedacommitteetowatchforthevictimatmidnight，andtakehimasheshouldattempttosneakintotownacross—lotsfromthetamarackswamp。Atthispointintheproceedingstheywereinterruptedbythesoundofabrassband。Theirdishonouredrepresentativewasdrivingupfromtherailwaystationinacoach—
　　and—four，withmusicandabanner。Afewmomentslaterheenteredthehall，wentupontheplatform，andsaiditwastheproudestmomentofhislife。（Cheers。）
　　AStatesmanASTATESMANwhoattendedameetingofaChamberofCommercerosetospeak，butwasobjectedtoonthegroundthathehadnothingtodowithcommerce。
　　"Mr。Chairman，"saidanAgedMember，rising，"Iconceivethattheobjectionisnotwelltaken；thegentleman’sconnectionwithcommerceiscloseandintimate。HeisaCommodity。"
　　TwoDogsTHEDog，ascreated，hadarigidtail，butaftersomecenturiesofacheerlessexistence，unappreciatedbyMan，whomadehimworkforhisliving，heimploredtheCreatortoendowhimwithawag。Thisbeingdonehewasabletodissemblehisresentmentwithasignofaffection，andtheearthwashisandthefulnessthereof。
　　Observingthis，thePolitician（ananimalcreatedlater）petitionedthatawagmightbegivenhimtoo。Ashewasincaudateitwasconferreduponhischin，whichhenowwagswithgreatprofitandgratificationexceptwhenheisathismeals。
　　ThreeRecruitsAFARMER，anArtisan，andaLabourerwenttotheKingoftheircountryandcomplainedthattheywerecompelledtosupportalargestandingarmyofmereconsumers，whodidnothingfortheirkeep。
　　"Verywell，"saidtheKing，"mysubjects’wishesarethehighestlaw。"
　　Sohedisbandedhisarmyandtheconsumersbecameproducersalso。
　　Thesaleoftheirproductssobroughtdownpricesthatfarmingwasruined，andtheirskilledandunskilledlabourdrovetheartisansandlabourersintothealmshousesandhighways。InafewyearsthenationaldistresswassogreatthattheFarmer，theArtisan，andtheLabourerpetitionedtheKingtoreorganizethestandingarmy。
　　"What!"saidtheKing；"youwishtosupportthoseidleconsumersagain？"
　　"No，yourMajesty，"theyreplied—"wewishtoenlist。"
　　TheMirrorASILKEN—EAREDSpaniel，whotracedhisdescentfromKingCharlestheSecondofEngland，chancedtolookintoamirrorwhichwasleaningagainstthewainscotingofaroomonthegroundfloorofhismistress’shouse。Seeinghisreflection，hesupposedittobeanotherdog，outside，andsaid：
　　"Icanchewupanysuchmilksoppypupasthat，andIwill。"
　　Soheranout—of—doorsandaroundtothesideofthehousewherehefanciedtheenemywas。ItsohappenedthatatthatmomentaBulldogsattheresunninghisteeth。TheSpanielstoppedshortindireconsternation，and，afterregardingtheBulldogamomentfromasafedistance，said：
　　"Idon’tknowwhetheryoucultivatetheartsofpeaceoryourflagisflungtothebattleandthebreezeandyourvoiceisforwar。
　　Ifyouareacivilian，thewindowsofthishouseflatteryouworsethananewspaper，butifyou’reasoldier，theydoyouagraveinjustice。"
　　ThisspeechbeingunintelligibletotheBulldogheonlycivillysmiled，whichsoterrifiedtheSpanielthathedroppeddeadinhistracks。
　　SaintandSinner"MYfriend，"saidadistinguishedofficeroftheSalvationArmy，toaMostWickedSinner，"Iwasonceadrunkard，athief，anassassin。
　　TheDivineGracehasmademewhatIam。"
　　TheMostWickedSinnerlookedathimfromheadtofoot。
　　"Henceforth，"hesaid，"theDivineGrace，Ifancy，willletwellenoughalone。"
　　AnAntidoteAYOUNGOstrichcametoitsMother，groaningwithpainandwithitswingstightlycrosseduponitsstomach。
　　"Whathaveyoubeeneating？"theMotherasked，withsolicitude。
　　"NothingbutakegofNails，"wasthereply。
　　"What!"exclaimedtheMother；"awholekegofNails，atyourage!
　　Why，youwillkillyourselfthatway。Goquickly，mychild，andswallowaclaw—hammer。"
　　AWearyEchoACONVENTIONoffemalewriters，whichfortwodayshadbeenstuffingWoman’scouchwithgoose—quillsandhailingthedownofanewera，adjournedwithunabatedenthusiasm，shouting，"Placeauxdames!"AndEchowearilyreplied，"Oh，damn。"
　　TheIngeniousBlackmailerANInventorwenttoaKingandwasgrantedanaudience，whenthefollowingconversationensued：
　　INVENTOR。—"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihaveinventedariflethatdischargeslightning。"
　　KING。—"Ah，youwishtosellmethesecret。"
　　INVENTOR。—"Yes；itwillenableyourarmytooverrunanynationthatisaccessible。"
　　KING。—"Inordertogetanygoodofmyoutlayforyourinvention，Imustmakeawar，anddosoassoonasIcanarmmytroops—
　　beforeyoursecretisdiscoveredbyforeignnations。Howmuchdoyouwant？"
　　INVENTOR。—"Onemilliondollars。"
　　KING。—"Andhowmuchwillitcosttomakethechangeofarms？"
　　INVENTOR。—"Fiftymillions。"
　　KING。—"AndthewarwillCost—？"
　　INVENTOR。—"Butconsiderthegloryandthespoils!"
　　KING。—"Exactly。ButifIamnotseekingtheseadvantages？WhatifIdeclinetopurchase？"
　　INVENTOR。—"Thereisnoeconomyinthat。Thoughapatriot，Iampoor；ifmyowncountrywillnotpatroniseme，Imustseekamarketelsewhere。"
　　KING（toPrimeMinister）。—"Takethisblackmailerandcutoffhishead。"
　　ATalismanHAVINGbeensummonedtoserveasajuror，aProminentCitizensentaphysician’scertificatestatingthathewasafflictedwithsofteningofthebrain。
　　"Thegentlemanisexcused，"saidtheJudge，handingbackthecertificatetothepersonwhohadbroughtit，"hehasabrain。"
　　TheAncientOrderHARDLYhadthatancientorder，theSultansofExceedingSplendour，beencompletelyfoundedbytheGrandFlashingInaccessible，whenaquestionaroseastowhatshouldbethetitleofaddressamongthemembers。Somewantedittobesimply"myLord，"othersheldoutfor"yourDukeness，"andstillotherspreferred"mySovereignLiege。"Finallythegorgeousjeweloftheorder，gleaminguponthebreastofeverymember，suggested"yourBadgesty，"whichwasadopted，andtheorderbecamepopularlyknownastheKingsofCatarrh。
　　AFatalDisorderADYINGManwhohadbeenshotwasrequestedbyofficersofthelawtomakeastatement，andbequickaboutit。
　　"Youwereassaultedwithoutprovocation，ofcourse，"saidtheDistrictAttorney，preparingtosetdowntheanswer。
　　"No，"repliedtheDyingMan，"Iwastheaggressor。"
　　"Yes，Iunderstand，"saidtheDistrictAttorney；"youcommittedtheaggression—youwerecompelledto，asitwere。Youdiditinself—defence。"
　　"Idon’tthinkhewouldhavehurtmeifIhadlethimalone，"saidtheother。"No，Ifancyhewasamanofpeace，andwouldnothavehurtafly。Ibroughtsuchapressuretobearonhimthathenaturallyhadtoyield—hecouldn’tholdout。IfhehadrefusedtoshootmeIdon’tseehowIcoulddecentlyhavecontinuedhisacquaintance。"
　　"GoodHeavens!"exclaimedtheDistrictAttorney，throwingdownhisnote—bookandpencil；"thisisallquiteirregular。Ican’tmakeuseofsuchanante—mortemstatementasthat。"
　　"Ineverbeforeknewamantotellthetruth，"saidtheChiefofPolice，"whendyingofviolence。"
　　"Violencenothing!"thePoliceSurgeonsaid，pullingoutandinspectingtheman’stongue—"itisthetruththatiskillinghim。"
　　TheMassacreSOMEHolyMissionariesinChinahavingbeendeprivedoflifebytheBigotedHeathens，theChristianPressmadeanoteofit，andwasgreatlypainedtopointoutthecontrastbetweentheBigotedHeathensandthelaw—abidingcountrymenoftheHolyMissionarieswhohadwickedlybeensenttoeternalbliss。
　　"Yes，"assentedaMiserableSinner，ashefinishedreadingthearticles，"theHeathensofYingShingaredeceitfulaboveallthingsanddesperatelywicked。Bytheway，"headded，turningoverthepapertoreadtheentertainingandinstructiveFables，"IknowtheHeatheneselingo。YingShingmeansRockCreek；itisintheProvinceofWyoMing。"
　　AShipandaManSEEINGashipsailingbyupontheseaofpolitics，anAmbitiousPersonstartedinhotpursuitalongthestrand；butthepeople’seyesbeingfixeduponthePresidencynooneobservedthepursuer。