TheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestTheCrimsonCandleTheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineTheIngeniousPatriotTwoKingsAnOfficerandaThugTheConscientiousOfficialHowLeisureCameTheMoralSentimentThePoliticiansTheThoughtfulWardenTheTreasuryandtheArmsTheChristianSerpentTheBroomoftheTempleTheCriticsTheFoolishWomanFatherandSonTheDiscontentedMalefactorACalltoQuitTheManandtheLightningTheLassoedBearTheIneffectiveRooterAProtagonistofSilverTheHolyDeaconAHastySettlementTheWoodenGunsTheReformSchoolBoardThePoet’sDoomTheNoserandtheNoteTheCatandtheKingTheLiteraryAstronomerTheLionandtheRattlesnakeTheManwithNoEnemiesTheAldermanandtheRaccoonTheFlying—MachineTheAngel’sTearTheCityofPoliticalDistinctionThePartyOverThereThePoetessofReformTheUnchangedDiplomatistAnInvitationTheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTheOpossumoftheFutureTheLife—SaversTheAustralianGrasshopperThePaviorTheTriedAssassinTheBumboofJiamTheTwoPoetsTheThistlesupontheGraveTheShadowoftheLeaderTheSagaciousRatTheMemberandtheSoapAlarmandPrideACausewayTwoinTroubleTheWitch’sSteedTheAllDogTheFarmer’sFriendPhysiciansTwoTheOverlookedFactorARacialParallelTheHonestCadiTheKangarooandtheZebraAMatterofMethodTheManofPrincipleTheReturnedCalifornianTheCompassionatePhysicianTwooftheDamnedTheAustereGovernorReligionsofErrorThePenitentElectorTheTailoftheSphinxAProphetofEvilTheCrewoftheLife—boatATreatyofPeaceTheNightsideofCharacterTheFaithfulCashierTheCircularClewTheDevotedWidowTheHardyPatriotsTheHumblePeasantTheVariousDelegationTheNoCaseAHarmlessVisitorTheJudgeandtheRashActThePrerogativeofMightAnInflatedAmbitionRejectedServicesThePoweroftheScalawagAtLarge—OneTemperTheSeekerandtheSoughtHisFly—SpeckMajestyThePugilist’sDietTheOldManandthePupilTheDeceasedandhisHeirsThePoliticiansandthePlunderTheManandtheWartTheDividedDelegationAForfeitedRightRevengeAnOptimistAValuableSuggestionTwoFootpadsEquippedforServiceTheBaskingCycloneAtthePoleTheOptimistandtheCynicThePoetandtheEditorTheTakenHandAnUnspeakableImbecileANeedfulWarTheMineOwnerandtheJackassTheDogandthePhysicianThePartyManagerandtheGentleman。
　　TheLegislatorandtheCitizenTheRainmakerTheCitizenandtheSnakesFortuneandtheFabulistASmilingIdolPhilosophersThreeTheBonelessKingUncalculatingZealATranspositionTheHonestCitizenACreakingTailWastedSweetsSixandOneTheSportsmanandtheSquirrelTheFogyandtheSheikAtHeaven’sGateTheCattedAnarchistTheHonourableMemberTheExpatriatedBossAnInadequateFeeTheJudgeandthePlaintiffTheReturnoftheRepresentativeAStatesmanTwoDogsThreeRecruitsTheMirrorSaintandSinnerAnAntidoteAWearyEchoTheIngeniousBlackmailerATalismanTheAncientOrderAFatalDisorderTheMassacreAShipandaManCongressandthePeopleTheJusticeandHisAccuserTheHighwaymanandtheTravellerThePolicemanandtheCitizenTheWriterandtheTrampsTwoPoliticiansTheFugitiveOfficeTheTyrantFrogTheEligibleSon—in—LawTheStatesmanandtheHorseAnAErophobeTheThriftofStrengthTheGoodGovernmentTheLife—SaverTheManandtheBirdFromtheMinutesThreeofaKindTheFabulistandtheAnimalsARevivalistRevivedTheDebatersTwoofthePiousTheDesperateObjectTheAppropriateMemorialANeedlessLabourAFlourishingIndustryTheSelf—MadeMonkeyThePatriotandtheBankerTheMourningBrothersTheDisinterestedArbiterTheThiefandtheHonestManTheDutifulSonAesopusEmendatusTheCatandtheYouthTheFarmerandHisSonsJupiterandtheBabyShowTheManandtheDogTheCatandtheBirdsMercuryandtheWoodchopperTheFoxandtheGrapesThePenitentThiefTheArcherandtheEagleTruthandtheTravellerTheWolfandtheLambTheLionandtheBoarTheGrasshopperandtheAntTheFisherandtheFishedTheFarmerandtheFoxDameFortuneandtheTravellerTheVictorandtheVictimTheWolfandtheShepherdsTheGooseandtheSwanTheLion，theCock，andtheAssTheSnakeandtheSwallowTheWolvesandtheDogsTheHenandtheVipersASeasonableJokeTheLionandtheThornTheFawnandtheBuckTheKite，thePigeons，andtheHawkTheWolfandtheBabeTheWolfandtheOstrichTheHerdsmanandtheLionTheManandtheViperTheManandtheEagleTheWar—horseandtheMillerTheDogandtheReflectionTheManandtheFish—hornTheHareandtheTortoiseHerculesandtheCarterTheLionandtheBullTheManandhisGooseTheWolfandtheFeedingGoatJupiterandtheBirdsTheLionandtheMouseTheOldManandhisSonsTheCrabandhisSonTheNorthWindandtheSunTheMountainandtheMouseTheBellamyandtheMembersOldSawswithNewTeethTheWolfandtheCraneTheLionandtheMouseTheHaresandtheFrogsTheBellyandtheMembersThePipingFishermanTheAntsandtheGrasshopperTheDogandHisReflectionTheLion，theBear，andtheFoxTheAssandtheLion’sSkinTheAssandtheGrasshoppersTheWolfandtheLionTheHareandtheTortoiseTheMilkmaidandHerBucketKingLogandKingStorkTheWolfWhoWouldBeaLionTheMonkeyandtheNutsTheBoysandtheFrogsTheMoralPrincipleandtheMaterialInterestAMORALPrinciplemetaMaterialInterestonabridgewideenoughforbutone。
　　"Down，youbasething!"thunderedtheMoralPrinciple，"andletmepassoveryou!"
　　TheMaterialInterestmerelylookedintheother’seyeswithoutsayinganything。
　　"Ah，"saidtheMoralPrinciple，hesitatingly，"letusdrawlotstoseewhichshallretiretilltheotherhascrossed。"
　　TheMaterialInterestmaintainedanunbrokensilenceandanunwaveringstare。
　　"Inordertoavoidaconflict，"theMoralPrincipleresumed，somewhatuneasily，"Ishallmyselfliedownandletyouwalkoverme。"
　　ThentheMaterialInterestfoundatongue，andbyastrangecoincidenceitwasitsowntongue。"Idon’tthinkyouareverygoodwalking，"itsaid。"IamalittleparticularaboutwhatI
　　haveunderfoot。Supposeyougetoffintothewater。"
　　Itoccurredthatway。
　　TheCrimsonCandleAMANlyingatthepointofdeathcalledhiswifetohisbedsideandsaid：
　　"Iamabouttoleaveyouforever；giveme，therefore，onelastproofofyouraffectionandfidelity，for，accordingtoourholyreligion，amarriedmanseekingadmittanceatthegateofHeavenisrequiredtoswearthathehasneverdefiledhimselfwithanunworthywoman。Inmydeskyouwillfindacrimsoncandle，whichhasbeenblessedbytheHighPriestandhasapeculiarmysticalsignificance。Sweartomethatwhileitisinexistenceyouwillnotremarry。"
　　TheWomansworeandtheMandied。AtthefuneraltheWomanstoodattheheadofthebier，holdingalightedcrimsoncandletillitwaswastedentirelyaway。
　　TheBlottedEscutcheonandtheSoiledErmineABLOTTEDEscutcheon，risingtoaquestionofprivilege，said：
　　"Mr。Speaker，Iwishtohurlbackanallegationandexplainthatthespotsuponmearethenaturalmarkingsofonewhoisadirectdescendantofthesunandaspottedfawn。Theycomeofnoaccidentofcharacter，butinhereinthedivineorderandconstitutionofthings。"
　　WhentheBlottedEscutcheonhadresumedhisseataSoiledErmineroseandsaid：
　　"Mr。Speaker，Ihaveheardwithprofoundattentionandentireapprovaltheexplanationofthehonourablemember，andwishtoofferafewremarksonmyownbehalf。I，too，havebeenfoullycalumniatedbyourancientenemy，theInfamousFalsehood，andI
　　wishtopointoutthatIammadeofthefuroftheMUSTELA
　　MACULATA，whichisdirtyfrombirth。"
　　TheIngeniousPatriotHAVINGobtainedanaudienceoftheKinganIngeniousPatriotpulledapaperfromhispocket，saying：
　　"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，Ihavehereaformulaforconstructingarmour—platingwhichnoguncanpierce。IftheseplatesareadoptedintheRoyalNavyourwarshipswillbeinvulnerable，andthereforeinvincible。Here，also，arereportsofyourMajesty’sMinisters，attestingthevalueoftheinvention。Iwillpartwithmyrightinitforamilliontumtums。"
　　Afterexaminingthepapers，theKingputthemawayandpromisedhimanorderontheLordHighTreasureroftheExtortionDepartmentforamilliontumtums。
　　"Andhere，"saidtheIngeniousPatriot，pullinganotherpaperfromanotherpocket，"aretheworkingplansofagunthatIhaveinvented，whichwillpiercethatarmour。YourMajesty’sRoyalBrother，theEmperorofBang，isanxioustopurchaseit，butloyaltytoyourMajesty’sthroneandpersonconstrainsmetoofferitfirsttoyourMajesty。Thepriceisonemilliontumtums。"
　　Havingreceivedthepromiseofanothercheck，hethrusthishandintostillanotherpocket，remarking：
　　"Thepriceoftheirresistiblegunwouldhavebeenmuchgreater，yourMajesty，butforthefactthatitsmissilescanbesoeffectivelyavertedbymypeculiarmethodoftreatingthearmourplateswithanew—"
　　TheKingsignedtotheGreatHeadFactotumtoapproach。
　　"Searchthisman，"hesaid，"andreporthowmanypocketshehas。"
　　"Forty—three，Sire，"saidtheGreatHeadFactotum，completingthescrutiny。
　　"MayitpleaseyourMajesty，"criedtheIngeniousPatriot，interror，"oneofthemcontainstobacco。"
　　"Holdhimupbytheanklesandshakehim，"saidtheKing；"thengivehimacheckforforty—twomilliontumtumsandputhimtodeath。Letadecreeissuedeclaringingenuityacapitaloffence。"
　　TwoKingsTHEKingofMadagao，beingengagedinadisputewiththeKingofBornegascar，wrotehimasfollows：
　　"BeforeproceedingfurtherinthismatterIdemandtherecallofyourMinisterfrommycapital。"
　　Greatlyenragedbythisimpossibledemand，theKingofBornegascarreplied：
　　"IshallnotrecallmyMinister。Moreover，ifyoudonotimmediatelyretractyourdemandIshallwithdrawhim!"
　　ThisthreatsoterrifiedtheKingofMadagaothatinhasteningtocomplyhefelloverhisownfeet，breakingtheThirdCommandment。
　　AnOfficerandaThugACHIEFofPolicewhohadseenanOfficerbeatingaThugwasveryindignant，andsaidhemustnotdosoanymoreonpainofdismissal。
　　"Don’tbetoohardonme，"saidtheOfficer，smiling；"Iwasbeatinghimwithastuffedclub。"
　　"Nevertheless，"persistedtheChiefofPolice，"itwasalibertythatmusthavebeenverydisagreeable，thoughitmaynothavehurt。
　　Pleasedonotrepeatit。"
　　"But，"saidtheOfficer，stillsmiling，"itwasastuffedThug。"
　　Inattemptingtoexpresshisgratification，theChiefofPolicethrustouthisrighthandwithsuchviolencethathisskinwasrupturedatthearm—pitandastreamofsawdustpouredfromthewound。HewasastuffedChiefofPolice。
　　TheConscientiousOfficialWHILEaDivisionSuperintendentofarailwaywasattendingcloselytohisbusinessofplacingobstructionsonthetrackandtamperingwiththeswitcheshereceivedwordthatthePresidentoftheroadwasabouttodischargehimforincompetency。
　　"GoodHeavens!"hecried；"therearemoreaccidentsonmydivisionthanonalltherestoftheline。"
　　"ThePresidentisveryparticular，"saidtheManwhobroughthimthenews；"hethinksthesamelossoflifemightbeeffectedwithlessdamagetothecompany’sproperty。"
　　"Doesheexpectmetoshootpassengersthroughthecarwindows？"
　　exclaimedtheindignantofficial，spikingaloosetieacrosstherails。"Doeshetakemeforanassassin？"
　　HowLeisureCameAMANtoWhomTimeWasMoney，andwhowasboltinghisbreakfastinordertocatchatrain，hadleanedhisnewspaperagainstthesugar—
　　bowlandwasreadingasheate。Inhishasteandabstractionhestuckapickle—forkintohisrighteye，andonremovingtheforktheeyecamewithit。Inbuyingspectaclestheneedlessoutlayfortherightlenssoonreducedhimtopoverty，andtheMantoWhomTimeWasMoneyhadtosustainlifebyfishingfromtheendofawharf。
　　TheMoralSentimentAPUGILISTmettheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，whowascarryingahat—box。"Whathaveyouinthehat—box，myfriend？"
　　inquiredthePugilist。
　　"Anewfrown，"wastheanswer。"Iambringingitfromthefrownery—theoneovertherewiththegildedsteeple。"
　　"Andwhatareyougoingtodowiththenicenewfrown？"thePugilistasked。
　　"Putdownpugilism—ifIhavetowearitnightandday，"saidtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，sternly。
　　"That’sright，"saidthePugilist，"thatisright，mygoodfriend；
　　ifpugilismhadbeenputdownyesterday，Iwouldn’thavethiskindofNoseto—day。Ihadarattlinghotfightlasteveningwith—"
　　"Isthatso？"criedtheMoralSentimentoftheCommunity，withsuddenanimation。"Whichlicked？Sitdownhereonthehat—boxandtellmeallaboutit!"
　　ThePoliticiansANOldPoliticianandaYoungPoliticianweretravellingthroughabeautifulcountry，bythedustyhighwaywhichleadstotheCityofProsperousObscurity。Luredbytheflowersandtheshadeandcharmedbythesongsofbirdswhichinvitedtowoodlandpathsandgreenfields，hisimaginationfiredbyglimpsesofgoldendomesandglitteringpalacesinthedistanceoneitherhand，theYoungPoliticiansaid：
　　"Letus，Ibeseechthee，turnasidefromthiscomfortlessroadleading，thouknowestwhither，butnotI。Letusturnourbacksupondutyandabandonourselvestothedelightsandadvantageswhichbeckonfromeverygroveandcalltousfromeveryshininghill。Letus，ifsothouwilt，followthisbeautifulpath，which，asthouseest，hathaguide—boardsaying，’TurninhereallyewhoseekthePalaceofPoliticalDistinction。’"
　　"Itisabeautifulpath，myson，"saidtheOldPolitician，withouteitherslackeninghispaceorturninghishead，"anditleadethamongpleasantscenes。ButthesearchforthePalaceofPoliticalDistinctionisbesetwithonemightyperil。"
　　"Whatisthat？"saidtheYoungPolitician。
　　"Theperiloffindingit，"theOldPoliticianreplied，pushingon。
　　TheThoughtfulWardenTHEWardenofaPenitentiarywasonedayputtinglocksonthedoorsofallthecellswhenamechanicsaidtohim：
　　"Thoselockscanallbeopenedfromtheinside—youareveryimprudent。"
　　TheWardendidnotlookupfromhiswork，butsaid：
　　"Ifthatiscalledimprudence，Iwonderwhatwouldbecalledathoughtfulprovisionagainstthevicissitudesoffortune。"
　　TheTreasuryandtheArmsAPUBLICTreasury，feelingTwoArmsliftingoutitscontents，exclaimed：
　　"Mr。Shareman，Imoveforadivision。"
　　"Youseemtoknowsomethingaboutparliamentaryformsofspeech，"
　　saidtheTwoArms。
　　"Yes，"repliedthePublicTreasury，"Iamfamiliarwiththehaulsoflegislation。"
　　TheChristianSerpentARATTLESNAKEcamehometohisbroodandsaid："Mychildren，gatheraboutandreceiveyourfather’slastblessing，andseehowaChristiandies。"
　　"Whatailsyou，Father？"askedtheSmallSnakes。
　　"Ihavebeenbittenbytheeditorofapartisanjournal，"wasthereply，accompaniedbytheominousdeath—rattle。
　　TheBroomoftheTempleTHEcityofGakwakbeingabouttoloseitscharacterofcapitaloftheprovinceofUkwuk，theWampogissuedaproclamationconveningallthemaleresidentsincouncilintheTempleofUltodevisemeansofdefence。Thefirstspeakerthoughtthebestpolicywouldbetoofferafriedjackasstothegods。Thesecondsuggestedapublicprocession，headedbytheWampoghimself，bearingtheHolyPokeronacushionofcloth—of—brass。Anotherthoughtthatascarletmoleshouldbeburiedaliveinthepublicparkandasuitableincantationchantedovertheremains。Theadviceofthefourthwasthatthecolumnsofthecapitolberubbedwithoilofdogbyapersonhavingamoustacheonthecalfofhisleg。WhenalltheothershadspokenanAgedManroseandsaid：
　　"HighandmightyWampogandfellow—citizens，Ihavelistenedattentivelytoalltheplansproposed。Allseemwise，andIdonotsuffermyselftodoubtthatanyoneofthemwouldbeefficacious。
　　Nevertheless，Icannothelpthinkingthatifwewouldputanimprovedbreedofpolliwogsinourdrinkingwater，constructshallowerroadways，groomthestreetcows，offerthestrangerwithinourgatesafreechoicebetweentheponiardandthepotion，andrelinquishourprivatesystemofmorals，theothermeasuresofpublicsafetywouldbeneedless。"
　　TheAgedManwasabouttospeakfurther，butthemeetinginformallyadjournedinordertosweepthefloorofthetemple—forthemenofGakwakarethetidiesthousewivesinallthatprovince。Thelastspeakerwasthebroom。
　　TheCriticsWHILEbathing，AntinouswasseenbyMinerva，whowassoenamouredofhisbeautythat，allarmedasshehappenedtobe，shedescendedfromOlympustowoohim；but，unluckilydisplayinghershield，withtheheadofMedusaonit，shehadtheunhappinesstoseethebeautifulmortalturntostonefromcatchingaglimpseofit。ShestraightwayascendedtoaskJovetorestorehim；butbeforethiscouldbedoneaSculptorandaCriticpassedthatwayandespiedhim。
　　"ThisisaverybadApollo，"saidtheSculptor："thechestistoonarrow，andonearmisatleastahalf—inchshorterthantheother。
　　Theattitudeisunnatural，andImaysayimpossible。Ah!myfriend，youshouldseemystatueofAntinous。"
　　"Inmyjudgment，thefigure，"saidtheCritic，"istolerablygood，thoughratherEtrurian，buttheexpressionofthefaceisdecidedlyTuscan，andthereforefalsetonature。Bytheway，haveyoureadmyworkon’TheFallaciousnessoftheAspectualinArt’？"
　　TheFoolishWomanAMARRIEDWoman，whoseloverwasabouttoreformbyrunningaway，procuredapistolandshothimdead。
　　"Whydidyoudothat，Madam？"inquiredaPoliceman，saunteringby。
　　"Because，"repliedtheMarriedWoman，"hewasawickedman，andhadpurchasedatickettoChicago。"
　　"Mysister，"saidanadjacentManofGod，solemnly，"youcannotstopthewickedfromgoingtoChicagobykillingthem。"
　　FatherandSon"MYboy，"saidanagedFathertohisfieryanddisobedientSon，"ahottemperisthesoilofremorse。Promisemethatwhennextyouareangryyouwillcountonehundredbeforeyoumoveorspeak。"
　　NosoonerhadtheSonpromisedthanhereceivedastingingblowfromthepaternalwalking—stick，andbythetimehehadcountedtoseventy—fivehadtheunhappinesstoseetheoldmanjumpintoawaitingcabandwhirlaway。
　　TheDiscontentedMalefactorAJUDGEhavingsentencedaMalefactortothepenitentiarywasproceedingtopointouttohimthedisadvantagesofcrimeandtheprofitofreformation。
　　"YourHonour，"saidtheMalefactor，interrupting，"wouldyoubekindenoughtoaltermypunishmenttotenyearsinthepenitentiaryandnothingelse？"
　　"Why，"saidtheJudge，surprised，"Ihavegivenyouonlythreeyears!"
　　"Yes，Iknow，"assentedtheMalefactor—"threeyears’imprisonmentandthepreaching。Ifyouplease，Ishouldliketocommutethepreaching。"
　　ACalltoQuitSEEINGthathisaudienceswerebecomingsmallereverySunday，aMinisteroftheGospelbrokeoffinthemidstofasermon，descendedthepulpitstairs，andwalkedonhishandsdownthecentralaisleofthechurch。Hethenremountedhisfeet，ascendedtothepulpit，andresumedhisdiscourse，makingnoallusiontotheincident。
　　"Now，"saidhetohimself，ashewenthome，"Ishallhave，henceforth，alargeattendanceandnosnoring。"
　　ButonthefollowingFridayhewaswaiteduponbythePillarsoftheChurch，whoinformedhimthatinordertobeinharmonywiththeNewTheologyandgetfulladvantageofmodernmethodsofGospelinterpretationtheyhaddeemeditadvisabletomakeachange。TheyhadthereforesentacalltoBrotherJowjeetum—Fallal，theWorld—
　　RenownedHindooHumanPin—Wheel，thenholdingforthinHoopitup’scircus。TheywerehappytosaythatthereverendgentlemanhadbeenmovedbytheSpirittoacceptthecall，andontheensuingSabbathwouldbreakthebreadoflifeforthebrethrenorbreakhisneckintheattempt。
　　TheManandtheLightningAMANRunningforOfficewasovertakenbyLightning。
　　"Yousee，"saidtheLightning，asitcreptpasthiminchbyinch，"Icantravelconsiderablyfasterthanyou。"
　　"Yes，"theManRunningforOfficereplied，"butthinkhowmuchlongerIkeepgoing!"
　　TheLassoedBearAHUNTERwhohadlassoedaBearwastryingtodisengagehimselffromtherope，buttheslip—knotabouthiswristwouldnotyield，fortheBearwasallthetimepullingintheslackwithhispaws。
　　InthemidstofhistroubletheHuntersawaShowmanpassingby，andmanagedtoattracthisattention。
　　"Whatwillyougiveme，"hesaid，"formyBear？"
　　"Itwillbesomefiveortenminutes，"saidtheShowman，"beforeI
　　shallwantafreshBear，anditlookstomeasifpriceswouldfallduringthattime。IthinkI’llwaitandwatchthemarket。"
　　"Thepriceofthisanimal，"theHunterreplied，"isdowntobed—
　　rock；youcanhavehimfornothingapound，spotcash，andI’llthrowinthenextonethatIlasso。Butthepurchasermustremovethegoodsfromthepremisesforthwith，tomakeroomforthreeman—
　　eatingtigers，acat—headedgorilla，andanarmfulofrattlesnakes。"
　　ButtheShowmanpassedon，inmaidenmeditation，fancyfree，andbeingjoinedsoonafterwardbytheBear，whowasabsentlypickinghisteeth，itwasinferredthattheywerenotunacquainted。
　　TheIneffectiveRooterADRUNKENManwaslyingintheroadwithableedingnose，uponwhichhehadfallen，whenaPigpassedthatway。
　　"Youwallowfairlywell，"saidthePig，"but，myfinefellow，youhavemuchtolearnaboutrooting。"
　　AProtagonistofSilverSOMEFinancierswhowerewhettingtheirtonguesontheirteethbecausetheGovernmenthad"struckdown"silver，andwereaboutto"inaugurate"aseasonofsweatshed，wereaddressedasfollowsbyaMemberoftheirhonourableandwarlikebody：
　　"Comradesofthethunderandcompanionsofdeath，Icannotbutregarditassingularlyfortunatethatwewhobyconvictionandsympathyaredesignatedbynatureasthechampionsofthatfairestofherproducts，thewhitemetal，shouldalso，byahappychance，beengagedmostlyinthebusinessofminingit。Nothingcouldbemoreappropriatethanthatthosewhofromunselfishmotivesandelevatedsentimentsaredoingbattleforthepeople’srightsandinterests，shouldthemselvesbethechiefbeneficiariesofsuccess。
　　Therefore，Ochildrenoftheearthquakeandthestorm，letusstandshouldertoshoulder，hearttoheart，andpockettopocket!"
　　ThisspeechsopleasedtheotherMembersoftheconventionthat，actuatedbyamagnanimousimpulse，theysprangtotheirfeetandleftthehall。Itwasthefirsttimetheyhadeverbeenknowntoleaveanythinghavingvalue。
　　TheHolyDeaconANItinerantPreacherwhohadwroughthardinthemoralvineyardforseveralhourswhisperedtoaHolyDeaconofthelocalchurch：
　　"Brother，thesepeopleknowyou，andyouractivesupportwillbearfruitabundantly。Pleasepasstheplateforme，andyoushallhaveonefourth。"
　　TheHolyDeacondidso，andputtingthemoneyintohispocketwaitedtillthecongregationwasdismissedandsaidgoodnight。
　　"Butthemoney，brother，themoneythatyoucollected!"saidtheItinerantPreacher。
　　"Nothingiscomingtoyou，"wasthereply；"theAdversaryhashardenedtheirhearts，andonefourthisalltheygave。"
　　AHastySettlement"YOURHonour，"saidanAttorney，rising，"whatisthepresentstatusofthiscase—asfarasithasgone？"
　　"Ihavegivenajudgmentfortheresiduarylegateeunderthewill，"
　　saidtheCourt，"putthecostsuponthecontestants，decidedallquestionsrelatingtofeesandothercharges；and，inshort，theestateinlitigationhasbeensettled，withallcontroversies，disputes，misunderstandings，anddifferencesofopinionthereuntoappertaining。"
　　"Ah，yes，Isee，"saidtheAttorney，thoughtfully，"wearemakingprogress—wearegettingonfamously。"
　　"Progress？"echoedtheJudge—"progress？Why，sir，thematterisconcluded!"
　　"Exactly，exactly；ithadtobeconcludedinordertogiverelevancytothemotionthatIamabouttomake。YourHonour，I
　　movethatthejudgmentoftheCourtbesetasideandthecasereopened。"
　　"Uponwhatground，sir？"theJudgeaskedinsurprise。
　　"Upontheground，"saidtheAttorney，"thatafterpayingallfeesandexpensesoflitigationandallchargesagainsttheestatetherewillstillbesomethingleft。"
　　"Theremayhavebeenanerror，"saidHisHonour，thoughtfully—
　　"theCourtmayhaveunderestimatedthevalueoftheestate。Themotionistakenunderadvisement。"
　　TheWoodenGunsANArtilleryRegimentofaStateMilitiaappliedtotheGovernorforwoodengunstopractisewith。
　　"Those，"theyexplained，"willbecheaperthanrealones。"
　　"ItshallnotbesaidthatIsacrificedefficiencytoeconomy，"
　　saidtheGovernor。"Youshallhaverealguns。"
　　"Thankyou，thankyou，"criedthewarriors，effusively。"Wewilltakegoodcareofthem，andintheeventofwarreturnthemtothearsenal。"
　　TheReformSchoolBoardTHEmembersoftheSchoolBoardinDoosnoswairbeingsuspectedofappointingfemaleteachersforanimproperconsideration，thepeopleelectedaBoardcomposedwhollyofwomen。Inafewyearsthescandalwasatanend；therewerenofemaleteachersintheDepartment。
　　ThePoet’sDoomANObjectwaswalkingalongtheKing’shighwaywrappedinmeditationandwithlittleelseon，whenhesuddenlyfoundhimselfatthegatesofastrangecity。Onapplyingforadmittance，hewasarrestedasanecessitatorofordinances，andtakenbeforetheKing。
　　"Whoareyou，"saidtheKing，"andwhatisyourbusinessinlife？"
　　"SnoutertheSneak，"repliedtheObject，withreadyinvention；
　　"pick—pocket。"
　　TheKingwasabouttocommandhimtobereleasedwhenthePrimeMinistersuggestedthattheprisoner’sfingersbeexamined。Theywerefoundgreatlyflattenedandcallousedattheends。
　　"Ha!"criedtheKing；"Itoldyouso!—heisaddictedtocountingsyllables。Thisisapoet。TurnhimovertotheLordHighDissuaderfromtheHeadHabit。"
　　"Myliege，"saidtheInventor—in—OrdinaryofIngeniousPenalties，"Iventuretosuggestakeeneraffliction。
　　"Nameit，"theKingsaid。
　　"Lethimretainthathead!"
　　Itwassoordered。
　　TheNoserandtheNoteTHEHeadRiflerofaninsolventbank，learningthatitwasabouttobevisitedbytheofficialNoserintoThings，placedhisownpersonalnoteforalargeamountamongitsresources，and，gailytouchinghisguitar，awaitedtheinspection。WhentheNosercametothenoteheasked，"What’sthis？"
　　"That，"saidtheAssistantPocketerofDeposits，"isoneofourliabilities。"
　　"Aliability？"exclaimedtheNoser。"Nay，nay，anasset。Thatiswhatyoumean，doubtless。"
　　"Thereinyouerr，"thePocketerexplained；"thatnotewaswritteninthebankwithourownpen，ink，andpaper，andwehavenotpaidastationerybillforsixmonths。"
　　"Ah，Isee，"theNosersaid，thoughtfully；"itisaliability。MayIaskhowyouexpecttomeetit？"
　　"Withfortitude，pleaseGod，"answeredtheAssistantPocketer，hiseyestoHeavenraising—"withfortitudeandafirmrelianceonthelaxityofthelaw。"
　　"Enough，enough，"exclaimedthefaithfulservantoftheState，chokingwithemotion；"hereisacertificateofsolvency。"
　　"Andhereisabottleofink，"thegratefulfinanciersaid，slippingitintotheother’spocket；"itisallthatwehave。"
　　TheCatandtheKingACATwaslookingataKing，aspermittedbytheproverb。
　　"Well，"saidthemonarch，observingherinspectionoftheroyalperson，"howdoyoulikeme？"
　　"IcanimagineaKing，"saidtheCat，"whomIshouldlikebetter。"
　　"Forexample？"
　　"TheKingoftheMice。"
　　ThesovereignwassopleasedwiththewitofthereplythathegaveherpermissiontoscratchhisPrimeMinister’seyesout。
　　TheLiteraryAstronomerTHEDirectorofanObservatory，who，withathirty—six—inchrefractor，haddiscoveredthemoon，hastenedtoanEditor，withafour—columnaccountoftheevent。
　　"Howmuch？"saidtheEditor，sententiously，withoutlookingupfromhisessayonthecircularityofthepoliticalhorizon。
　　"Onehundredandsixtydollars，"repliedthemanwhohaddiscoveredthemoon。
　　"Nothalfenough，"wastheEditor’scomment。
　　"Generousman!"criedtheAstronomer，glowingwithwarmandelevatedsentiments，"payme，then，whatyouwill。"
　　"Greatandgoodfriend，"saidtheEditor，blandly，lookingupfromhiswork，"wearefarasunder，itseems。Thepayingistobedonebyyou。"
　　TheDirectoroftheObservatorygatheredupthemanuscriptandwentaway，explainingthatitneededcorrection；hehadneglectedtodotanm。
　　TheLionandtheRattlesnakeAMANhavingfoundaLioninhispathundertooktosubduehimbythepowerofthehumaneye；andnearbywasaRattlesnakeengagedinfascinatingasmallbird。
　　"Howareyougettingon，brother？"theMancalledouttotheotherreptile，withoutremovinghiseyesfromthoseoftheLion。
　　"Admirably，"repliedtheserpent。"Mysuccessisassured；myvictimdrawsnearerandnearerinspiteofherefforts。"
　　"Andmine，"saidtheMan，"drawsnearerandnearerinspiteofmine。Areyousureitisallright？"
　　"Ifyoudon’tthinkso，"thereptilerepliedaswellashethencould，withhismouthfullofbird，"youbettergiveitup。"
　　Ahalf—hourlater，theLion，thoughtfullypickinghisteethwithhisclaws，toldtheRattlesnakethathehadneverinallhisvariedexperienceinbeingsubdued，seenasubduertrysoearnestlytogiveitup。"But，"headded，withawide，significantsmile，"I
　　lookedhimintocountenance。"
　　TheManwithNoEnemiesANInoffensivePersonwalkinginapublicplacewasassaultedbyaStrangerwithaClub，andseverelybeaten。
　　WhentheStrangerwithaClubwasbroughttotrial，thecomplainantsaidtotheJudge：
　　"IdonotknowwhyIwasassaulted；Ihavenotanenemyintheworld。"
　　"That，"saidthedefendant，"iswhyIstruckhim。"
　　"Lettheprisonerbedischarged，"saidtheJudge；"amanwhohasnoenemieshasnofriends。Thecourtsarenotforsuch。"
　　TheAldermanandtheRaccoon"ISEEquiteanumberofringsonyourtail，"saidanAldermantoaRaccoonthathemetinazoologicalgarden。
　　"Yes，"repliedtheRaccoon，"andIhearquiteanumberoftalesonyourring。"
　　TheAlderman，beingofasensitive，retiringdisposition，shrankfromfurthercomparison，and，strollingtoanotherpartofthegarden，stolethecamel。
　　TheFlying—MachineANIngeniousManwhohadbuiltaflying—machineinvitedagreatconcourseofpeopletoseeitgoup。Attheappointedmoment，everythingbeingready，heboardedthecarandturnedonthepower。
　　Themachineimmediatelybrokethroughthemassivesubstructureuponwhichitwasbuilded，andsankoutofsightintotheearth，theaeronautspringingoutbarelyintimetosavehimself。
　　"Well，"saidhe，"Ihavedoneenoughtodemonstratethecorrectnessofmydetails。Thedefects，"headded，withalookattheruinedbrick—work，"aremerelybasicandfundamental。"
　　Uponthisassurancethepeoplecameforwardwithsubscriptionstobuildasecondmachine。
　　TheAngel’sTearANUnworthyManwhohadlaughedatthewoesofaWomanwhomheloved，wasbewailinghisindiscretioninsack—cloth—of—goldandashes—of—roses，whentheAngelofCompassionlookeddownuponhim，saying：
　　"Poormortal!—howunblestnottoknowthewickednessoflaughingatanother’smisfortune!"
　　Sosaying，heletfallagreattear，which，encounteringinitsdescentacurrentofcoldair，wascongealedintoahail—stone。
　　ThisstrucktheUnworthyManontheheadandsethimrubbingthatbruisedorganvigorouslywithonehandwhilevainlyattemptingtoexpandanumbrellawiththeother。
　　ThereattheAngelofCompassiondidmostshamelesslyandwickedlylaugh。
　　TheCityofPoliticalDistinctionJAMRACHtheRich，beinganxioustoreachtheCityofPoliticalDistinctionbeforenightfall，arrivedataforkoftheroadandwasundecidedwhichbranchtofollow；soheconsultedaWise—LookingPersonwhosatbythewayside。
　　"TakeTHATroad，"saidtheWise—LookingPerson，pointingitout；
　　"itisknownasthePoliticalHighway。"
　　"Thankyou，"saidJamrach，andwasabouttoproceed。
　　"Abouthowmuchdoyouthankme？"wasthereply。"DoyousupposeI
　　amhereformyhealth？"
　　AsJamrachhadnotbecomerichbystupidity，hehandedsomethingtohisguideandhastenedon，andsooncametoatoll—gatekeptbyaBenevolentGentleman，towhomhegavesomething，andwassufferedtopass。Alittlefartheralonghecametoabridgeacrossanimaginarystream，whereaCivilEngineer（whohadbuiltthebridge）
　　demandedsomethingforinterestonhisinvestment，anditwasforthcoming。ItwasgrowinglatewhenJamrachcametothemarginofwhatappearedtobealakeofblackink，andtheretheroadterminated。SeeingaFerrymaninhisboathepaidsomethingforhispassageandwasabouttoembark。
　　"No，"saidtheFerryman。"Putyourneckinthisnoose，andIwilltowyouover。Itistheonlyway，"headded，seeingthatthepassengerwasabouttocomplainoftheaccommodations。
　　Induetimehewasdraggedacross，halfstrangled，anddreadfullybeslubberedbythefeculentwaters。"There，"saidtheFerryman，haulinghimashoreanddisengaginghim，"youarenowintheCityofPoliticalDistinction。Ithasfiftymillionsofinhabitants，andasthecolouroftheFilthyPooldoesnotwashoff，theyalllookexactlyalike。"
　　"Alas!"exclaimedJamrach，weepingandbewailingthelossofallhispossessions，paidoutintipsandtolls；"Iwillgobackwithyou。"
　　"Idon’tthinkyouwill，"，saidtheFerryman，pushingoff；"thiscityissituatedontheIslandoftheUnreturning。"
　　ThePartyOverThereAMANinaHurry，whosewatchwasathislawyer’s，askedaGravePersonthetimeofday。
　　"IheardyouaskthatPartyOverTherethesamequestion，"saidtheGravePerson。"Whatanswerdidhegiveyou？"
　　"Hesaiditwasaboutthreeo’clock，"repliedtheManinaHurry；
　　"buthedidnotlookathiswatch，andasthesunisnearlydown，I
　　thinkitislater。"
　　"Thefactthatthesunisnearlydown，"theGravePersonsaid，"isimmaterial，butthefactthathedidnotconsulthistimepieceandmakeanswerafterduedeliberationandconsiderationisfatal。Theanswergiven，"continuedtheGravePerson，consultinghisowntimepiece，"isofnoeffect，invalid，andabsurd。"
　　"What，then，"saidtheManinaHurry，eagerly，"isthetimeofday？"
　　"ThequestionisremandedtothePartyOverThereforanewanswer，"repliedtheGravePerson，returninghiswatchtohispocketandmovingawaywithgreatdignity。
　　HewasaJudgeofanAppellateCourt。
　　ThePoetessofReformONEpleasantdayinthelatterpartofeternity，astheShadesofallthegreatwriterswerereposinguponbedsofasphodelandmolyintheElysianfields，eachhappyinhearingfromthelipsoftheothersnothingbutcopiousquotationfromhisownworks（forsoJovehadkindlybedeviledtheirears），therecameinamongthemwithtriumphantmienaShadewhomnoneknew。She（forthenewcomershowedsuchevidencesofsexascroppedhairandamanlystride）
　　tookaseatintheirmidst，andsmilingasuperiorsmileexplained：
　　"AftercenturiesofoppressionIhavewrestedmyrightsfromthegraspofthejealousgods。OnearthIwasthePoetessofReform，andsangtoinattentiveears。Nowforaneternityofhonourandglory。"
　　Butitwasnottobeso，andsoonshewastheunhappiestofmortals，vainlydesiroustowanderagainingloombytheinfernallakes。ForJovehadnotbedeviledherears，andsheheardfromthelipsofeachblessedShadeanincessantflowofquotationfromhisownworks。Moreover，shewasdeniedthehappinessofrepeatingherpoems。Shecouldnotrecallalineofthem，forJovehaddecreedthatthememoryofthemabideinPluto’spainfuldomain，asapartoftheapparatus。
　　TheUnchangedDiplomatistTHErepublicofMadagoniahadbeenlongandwellrepresentedatthecourtoftheKingofPatagascarbyanofficercalledaDazie，butonedaytheMadagonianParliamentconferreduponhimthesuperiorrankofDandee。ThenextdayafterbeingapprisedofhisnewdignityhehastenedtoinformtheKingofPatagascar。
　　"Ah，yes，Iunderstand，"saidtheKing；"youhavebeenpromotedandgivenincreasedpayandallowances。Therewasanappropriation？"
　　"Yes，yourMajesty。"
　　"Andyouhavenowtwoheads，haveyounot？"
　　"Oh，no，yourMajesty—onlyone，Iassureyou。"
　　"Indeed？Andhowmanylegsandarms？"
　　"Twoofeach，Sire—onlytwoofeach。"
　　"Andonlyonebody？"
　　"Justasinglebody，asyouperceive。"
　　Thoughtfullyremovinghiscrownandscratchingtheroyalhead，themonarchwassilentamoment，andthenhesaid：
　　"Ifancythatappropriationhasbeenmisapplied。Youseemtobeaboutthesamekindofidiotthatyouwerebefore。"
　　AnInvitationAPIOUSPersonwhohadoverchargedhispaunchwithdeadbirdbywayofattestinghisgratitudeforescapingthemanycalamitieswhichHeavenhadsentuponothers，fellasleepattableanddreamed。Hethoughthelivedinacountrywhereturkeysweretherulingclass，andeveryyeartheyheldafeasttomanifesttheirsenseofHeaven’sgoodnessinsparingtheirlivestokillthemlater。Oneday，aboutaweekbeforeoneofthesefeasts，hemettheSupremeGobbler，whosaid：
　　"YouwillpleasegetyourselfintogoodconditionfortheThanksgivingdinner。"
　　"Yes，yourExcellency，"repliedthePiousPerson，delighted，"I
　　shallcomehungry，Iassureyou。ItisnosmallprivilegetodinewithyourExcellency。"
　　TheSupremeGobblereyedhimforamomentinsilence；thenhesaid：
　　"Asoneofthelowerdomesticanimals，youcannotbeexpectedtoknowmuch，butyoumightknowsomething。Sinceyoudonot，youwillpermitmetopointoutthatbeingaskedtodinnerisonething；beingaskedtodineisanotherandadifferentthing。"
　　WiththissignificantremarktheSupremeGobblerlefthim，andthenceforwardthePiousPersondreamedofhimselfaswhitemeatanddarkuntilrudelyawakenedbydecapitation。
　　TheAshesofMadameBlavatskyTHEtwobrightestlightsofTheosophybeinginthesameplaceatonceincompanywiththeAshesofMadameBlavatsky，anInquiringSoulthoughtthetimepropitioustolearnsomethingworthwhile。
　　Sohesatatthefeetofoneawhile，andthenhesatawhileatthefeetoftheother，andatlastheappliedhiseartothekeyholeofthecasketcontainingtheAshesofMadameBlavatsky。WhentheInquiringSoulhadcompletedhiscourseofinstructionhedeclaredhimselftheAhkoondofSwat，fellintothebalefulhabitofstandingonhishead，andsworethatthemotherwhoborehimwasapragmaticparalogism。Whereforehewasheldinhighreverence，andwhenthetwoothergentlemenwerehangedforlyingtheTheosophistselectedhimtotheleadershipoftheirDisastralBody，andafteraquietlifeandanhonourabledeathbythekickofajackasshewasreincarnatedasaYellowDog。AssuchheatetheAshesofMadameBlavatsky，andTheosophywasnomore。
　　TheOpossumoftheFutureONEdayanOpossumwhohadgonetosleephangingfromthehighestbranchofatreebythetail，awokeandsawalargeSnakewoundaboutthelimb，betweenhimandthetrunkofthetree。
　　"IfIholdon，"hesaidtohimself，"Ishallbeswallowed；ifIletgoIshallbreakmyneck。"
　　Butsuddenlyhebethoughthimselftodissemble。
　　"Myperfectedfriend，"hesaid，"myparentalinstinctrecognisesinyouanobleevidenceandillustrationofthetheoryofdevelopment。
　　YouaretheOpossumoftheFuture，theultimateFittestSurvivorofourspecies，theriperesultofprogressiveprehensility—alltail!"
　　ButtheSnake，proudofhisancienteminenceinScripturalhistory，wasstrictlyorthodox，anddidnotacceptthescientificview。
　　TheLife—SaversSEVENTY—FIVEMenpresentedthemselvesbeforethePresidentoftheHumaneSocietyanddemandedthegreatgoldmedalforlife—saving。
　　"Why，yes，"saidthePresident；"bydiligenteffortsomanymenmusthavesavedaconsiderablenumberoflives。Howmanydidyousave？"
　　"Seventy—five，sir，"repliedtheirSpokesman。
　　"Ah，yes，thatisoneeach—verygoodwork—verygoodwork，indeed，"thePresidentsaid。"YoushallnotonlyhavetheSociety’sgreatgoldmedal，butitsrecommendationforemploymentatthevariouslife—boatstationsalongthecoast。Buthowdidyousavesomanylives？"
　　TheSpokesmanoftheMenreplied：
　　"Weareofficersofthelaw，andhavejustreturnedfromthepursuitoftwomurderousoutlaws。"
　　TheAustralianGrasshopperADISTINGUISHEDNaturalistwastravellinginAustralia，whenhesawaKangarooinsessionandflungastoneatit。TheKangarooimmediatelyadjourned，tracingagainstthesunsetskyaparaboliccurvespanningsevenprovinces，andevanishedbelowthehorizon。
　　TheDistinguishedNaturalistlookedinterested，butsaidnothingforanhour；thenhesaidtohisnativeGuide：
　　"Youhaveprettywidemeadowshere，Isuppose？"
　　"No，notverywide，"theGuideanswered；"aboutthesameasinEnglandandAmerica。"
　　AfteranotherlongsilencetheDistinguishedNaturalistsaid：
　　"Thehaywhichweshallpurchaseforourhorsesthisevening—I
　　shallexpecttofindthestalksaboutfiftyfeetlong。AmI
　　right？"
　　"Why，no，"saidtheGuide；"afootortwoisabouttheusuallengthofourhay。Whatcanyoubethinkingof？"
　　TheDistinguishedNaturalistmadenoimmediatereply，butlater，asintheshadesofnighttheyjourneyedthroughthedesolatevastnessoftheGreatLoneLand，hebrokethesilence：
　　"Iwasthinking，"hesaid，"oftheuncommonmagnitudeofthatgrass—hopper。"
　　ThePaviorANAuthorsawaLabourerhammeringstonesintothepavementofastreet，andapproachinghimsaid：
　　"Myfriend，youseemweary。Ambitionisahardtaskmaster。"
　　"I’mworkingforMr。Jones，sir，"theLabourerreplied。
　　"Well，cheerup，"theAuthorresumed；"famecomesatthemostunexpectedtimes。To—dayyouarepoor，obscure，anddisheartened，andto—morrowtheworldmayberingingwithyourname。"
　　"Whatareyougivingme？"theLabourersaid。"Cannotanhonestpaviorperformhisworkinpeace，andgethismoneyforit，andhislivingbyit，withoutotherstalkingrotaboutambitionandhopesoffame？"
　　"Cannotanhonestwriter？"saidtheAuthor。
　　TheTriedAssassinANAssassinbeingputupontrialinaNewEnglandcourt，hisCounselroseandsaid："YourHonour，Imoveforadischargeonthegroundof’onceinjeopardy’：myclienthasbeenalreadytriedforthatmurderandacquitted。"
　　"Inwhatcourt？"askedtheJudge。
　　"IntheSuperiorCourtofSanFrancisco，"theCounselreplied。
　　"Letthetrialproceed—yourmotionisdenied，"saidtheJudge。
　　"AnAssassinisnotinjeopardywhentriedinCalifornia。"
　　TheBumboofJiamTHEPahdourofPatagascarandtheGookulofMadagoniaweredisputingaboutanislandwhichbothclaimed。Finally，atthesuggestionoftheInternationalLeagueofCannonFounders，whichhadimportantbranchesinbothcountries，theydecidedtorefertheirclaimstotheBumboofJiam，andabidebyhisjudgment。Insettlingthepreliminariesofthearbitrationtheyhad，however，themisfortunetodisagree，andappealedtoarms。Attheendofalonganddisastrouswar，whenbothsideswereexhaustedandbankrupt，theBumboofJiamintervenedintheinterestofpeace。
　　"Mygreatandgoodfriends，"hesaidtohisbrothersovereigns，"itwillbeadvantageoustoyoutolearnthatsomequestionsaremorecomplexandperilousthanothers，presentingagreaternumberofpointsuponwhichitispossibletodiffer。Forfourgenerationsyourroyalpredecessorsdisputedaboutpossessionofthatisland，withoutfallingout。Beware，oh，bewaretheperilsofinternationalarbitration!—againstwhichIfeelitmydutytoprotectyouhenceforth。"
　　Sosaying，heannexedbothcountries，andafteralong，peaceful，andhappyreignwaspoisonedbyhisPrimeMinister。
　　TheTwoPoetsTwoPoetswerequarrellingfortheAppleofDiscordandtheBoneofContention，fortheywereveryhungry。
　　"Mysons，"saidApollo，"Iwillparttheprizesbetweenyou。You，"
　　hesaidtotheFirstPoet，"excelinArt—taketheApple。Andyou，"hesaidtotheSecondPoet，"inImagination—taketheBone。"
　　"ToArtthebestprize!"saidtheFirstPoet，triumphantly，andendeavouringtodevourhisawardbrokeallhisteeth。TheApplewasaworkofArt。
　　"ThatshowsourMaster’scontemptformereArt，"saidtheSecondPoet，grinning。
　　ThereuponheattemptedtognawhisBone，buthisteethpassedthroughitwithoutresistance。ItwasanimaginaryBone。
　　TheThistlesupontheGraveAMINDReadermadeawagerthathewouldbeburiedaliveandremainsoforsixmonths，thenbedugupalive。Inordertosecurethegraveagainstsecretdisturbance，itwassownwiththistles。Attheendofthreemonths，theMindReaderlosthismoney。Hehadcomeuptoeatthethistles。
　　TheShadowoftheLeaderAPOLITICALLeaderwaswalkingoutonesunnyday，whenheobservedhisShadowleavinghimandwalkingrapidlyaway。
　　"Comebackhere，youscoundrel，"hecried。
　　"IfIhadbeenascoundrel，"answeredtheShadow，increasingitsspeed，"Ishouldnothaveleftyou。"
　　TheSagaciousRatARATthatwasabouttoemergefromhisholecaughtaglimpseofaCatwaitingforhim，anddescendingtothecolonyatthebottomoftheholeinvitedaFriendtojoinhiminavisittoaneighbouringcorn—bin。"Iwouldhavegonealone，"hesaid，"butcouldnotdenymyselfthepleasureofsuchdistinguishedcompany。"
　　"Verywell，"saidtheFriend，"Iwillgowithyou。Leadon。"
　　"Lead？"exclaimedtheother。"What!Iprecedesogreatandillustriousaratasyou？No，indeed—afteryou，sir，afteryou。"
　　Pleasedwiththisgreatshowofdeference，theFriendwentahead，and，leavingtheholefirst，wascaughtbytheCat，whoimmediatelytrottedawaywithhim。Theotherthenwentoutunmolested。
　　TheMemberandtheSoapAMEMBERoftheKansasLegislaturemeetingaCakeofSoapwaspassingitbywithoutrecognition，buttheCakeofSoapinsistedonstoppingandshakinghands。Thinkingitmightpossiblybeintheenjoymentoftheelectivefranchise，hegaveitacordialandearnestgrasp。Onlettingitgoheobservedthataportionofitadheredtohisfingers，andrunningtoabrookingreatalarmheproceededtowashitoff。Indoingsohenecessarilygotsomeontheotherhand，andwhenhehadfinishedwashing，bothweresowhitethathewenttobedandsentforaphysician。
　　AlarmandPride"GOOD—MORNING，myfriend，"saidAlarmtoPride；"howareyouthismorning？"
　　"Verytired，"repliedPride，seatinghimselfonastonebythewaysideandmoppinghissteamingbrow。"ThepoliticiansarewearingmeoutbypointingtotheirdirtyrecordswithME，whentheycouldaswelluseastick。"
　　Alarmsighedsympathetically，andsaid：
　　"Itisprettymuchthesamewayhere。Insteadofusinganopera—
　　glasstheyviewtheactsoftheiropponentswithME!"
　　Asthesepatientdrudgeswereminglingtheirtears，theywerenotifiedthattheymustgoondutyagain，foroneofthepoliticalpartieshadnominatedathiefandwasabouttoholdagratificationmeeting。
　　ACausewayARICHWomanhavingreturnedfromabroaddisembarkedatthefootofKnee—deepStreet，andwasabouttowalktoherhotelthroughthemud。
　　"Madam，"saidaPoliceman，"Icannotpermityoutodothat；youwouldsoilyourshoesandstockings。"
　　"Oh，thatisofnoimportance，really，"repliedtheRichWoman，withacheerfulsmile。
　　"But，madam，itisneedless；fromthewharftothehotel，asyouobserve，extendsanunbrokenlineofprostratenewspapermenwhocravethehonourofhavingyouwalkuponthem。"
　　"Inthatcase，"shesaid，seatingherselfinadoorwayandunlockinghersatchel，"Ishallhavetoputonmyrubberboots。"
　　TwoinTroubleMEETINGafatandpatrioticStatesmanonhiswaytoWashingtontobeseechthePresidentforanoffice，anidleTrampaccostedhimandbeggedtwenty—fivecentswithwhichtobuyasuitofclothes。
　　"Melancholywreck，"saidtheStatesman，"whatbroughtyoutothisstateofdegradation？Liquor，Isuppose。"
　　"Iamtemperatetothevergeofabsurdity，"repliedtheTramp。"Myfoiblewaspatriotism；Iwasruinedbythebanefulhabitoftryingtoservemycountry。Whatruinedyou？"
　　"Indolence。"
　　TheWitch’sSteedABROOMSTICKwhichhadlongservedawitchasasteedcomplainedofthenatureofitsemployment，whichitthoughtdegrading。
　　"Verywell，"saidtheWitch，"Iwillgiveyouworkinwhichyouwillbeassociatedwithintellect—youwillcomeincontactwithbrains。Ishallpresentyoutoahousewife。"
　　"What!"saidtheBroomstick，"doyouconsiderthehandsofahousewifeintellectual？"
　　"Ireferred，"saidtheWitch，"totheheadofhergoodman。"
　　TheAllDogALIONseeingaPoodlefellintolaughterattheridiculousspectacle。
　　"Whoeversawsosmallabeast？"hesaid。
　　"Itisverytrue，"saidthePoodle，withausteredignity，"thatI
　　amsmall；but，sir，IbegtoobservethatIamalldog。"
　　TheFarmer’sFriendAGREATPhilanthropistwhohadthoughtofhimselfinconnectionwiththePresidencyandhadintroducedabillintoCongressrequiringtheGovernmenttoloaneveryvoterallthemoneythatheneeded，onhispersonalsecurity，wasexplainingtoaSunday—schoolatarailwaystationhowmuchhehaddoneforthecountry，whenanangellookeddownfromHeavenandwept。
　　"Forexample，"saidtheGreatPhilanthropist，watchingtheteardropspatteringinthedust，"theseearlyrainsareofincalculableadvantagetothefarmer。"
　　PhysiciansTwoAWICKEDOldManfindinghimselfillsentforaPhysician，whoprescribedforhimandwentaway。ThentheWickedOldMansentforanotherPhysician，sayingnothingofthefirst，andanentirelydifferenttreatmentwasordered。Thiscontinuedforsomeweeks，thephysiciansvisitinghimonalternatedaysandtreatinghimfortwodifferentdisorders，withconstantlyenlargingdosesofmedicineandmoreandmorerigorousnursing。Butonedaytheyaccidentlymetathisbedsidewhileheslept，andthetruthcomingoutaviolentquarrelensued。
　　"Mygoodfriends，"saidthepatient，awakenedbythenoiseofthedispute，andapprehendingthecauseofit，"praybemorereasonable。IfIcouldforweeksendureyouboth，canyounotforalittlewhileendureeachother？Ihavebeenwellfortendays，buthaveremainedinbedinthehopeofgainingbyreposethestrengththatwouldjustifymeintakingyourmedicines。SofarI
　　havetouchednoneofit。"
　　TheOverlookedFactorAMANthatownedafineDog，andbyacarefulselectionofitsmatehadbredanumberofanimalsbutalittlelowerthantheangels，fellinlovewithhiswasherwoman，marriedher，andrearedafamilyofdolts。
　　"Alas!"heexclaimed，contemplatingthemelancholyresult，"hadI
　　butchosenamateformyselfwithhalfthecarethatIdidformyDogIshouldnowbeaproudandhappyfather。"
　　"I’mnotsosureofthat，"saidtheDog，overhearingthelament。
　　"There’sadifference，certainly，betweenyourwhelpsandmine，butIventuretoflattermyselfthatitisnotduealtogethertothemothers。YouandIarenotentirelyalikeourselves。"
　　ARacialParallelSOMEWhiteChristiansengagedindrivingChineseHeathensoutofanAmericantownfoundanewspaperpublishedinPekingintheChinesetongue，andcompelledoneoftheirvictimstotranslateaneditorial。ItturnedouttobeanappealtothepeopleoftheProvinceofPangKitodrivetheforeigndevilsoutofthecountryandburntheirdwellingsandchurches。AtthisevidenceofMongolianbarbaritytheWhiteChristiansweresogreatlyincensedthattheycarriedouttheiroriginaldesign。
　　TheHonestCadiAROBBERwhohadplunderedaMerchantofonethousandpiecesofgoldwastakenbeforetheCadi，whoaskedhimifhehadanythingtosaywhyheshouldnotbedecapitated。
　　"YourHonour，"saidtheRobber，"Icoulddonootherwisethantakethemoney，forAllahmademethatway。"
　　"Yourdefenceisingeniousandsound，"saidtheCadi，"andImustacquityouofcriminality。Unfortunately，AllahhasmademesothatImustalsotakeoffyourhead—unless，"headded，thoughtfully，"youoffermehalfofthegold；forHemademeweakundertemptation。"
　　ThereupontheRobberputfivehundredpiecesofgoldintotheCadi’shand。
　　"Good，"saidtheCadi。"Ishallnowremovebutonehalfyourhead。
　　ToshowmytrustinyourdiscretionIshallleaveintactthehalfyoutalkwith。"
　　TheKangarooandtheZebraAKANGAROOhoppingawkwardlyalongwithsomebulkyobjectconcealedinherpouchmetaZebra，anddesirousofkeepinghisattentionuponhimself，said：
　　"Yourcostumelooksasifyoumighthavecomeoutofthepenitentiary。"
　　"Appearancesaredeceitful，"repliedtheZebra，smilingintheconsciousnessofamoreinsupportablewit，"orIshouldhavetothinkthatyouhadcomeoutoftheLegislature。"
　　AMatterofMethodAPHILOSOPHERseeingaFoolbeatinghisDonkey，said：
　　"Abstain，myson，abstain，Iimplore。Thosewhoresorttoviolenceshallsufferfromviolence。"
　　"That，"saidtheFool，diligentlybelabouringtheanimal，"iswhatI’mtryingtoteachthisbeast—whichhaskickedme。"
　　"Doubtless，"saidthePhilosophertohimself，ashewalkedaway，"thewisdomoffoolsisnodeepernortruerthanours，buttheyreallydoseemtohaveamoreimpressivewayofimpartingit。"
　　TheManofPrincipleDURINGashowerofraintheKeeperofaZoologicalgardenobservedaManofPrinciplecrouchingbeneaththebellyoftheostrich，whichhaddrawnitselfuptoitsfullheighttosleep。
　　"Why，mydearsir，"saidtheKeeper，"ifyoufeartogetwet，you’dbettercreepintothepouchofyonderfemalekangaroo—theSALTARIXMACKINTOSHA—forifthatostrichwakeshewillkickyoutodeathinaminute。"
　　"Ican’thelpthat，"theManofPrinciplereplied，withthatloftyscornofpracticalconsiderationsdistinguishinghisspecies。"Hemaykickmetodeathifhewish，butuntilhedoesheshallgivemeshelterfromthestorm。Hehasswallowedmyumbrella。"
　　TheReturnedCalifornianAMANwashangedbytheneckuntilhewasdead。
　　"Whencedoyoucome？"SaintPeteraskedwhentheManpresentedhimselfatthegateofHeaven。
　　"FromCalifornia，"repliedtheapplicant。
　　"Enter，myson，enter；youbringjoyoustidings。"
　　WhentheManhadvanishedinside，SaintPetertookhismemorandum—
　　tabletandmadethefollowingentry：
　　"February16，1893。CaliforniaoccupiedbytheChristians。"
　　TheCompassionatePhysicianAKIND—HEARTEDPhysiciansittingatthebedsideofapatientafflictedwithanincurableandpainfuldisease，heardanoisebehindhim，andturningsawacatlaughingatthefeebleeffortsofawoundedmousetodragitselfoutoftheroom。
　　"Youcruelbeast!"criedhe。"Whydon’tyoukillitatonce，likealady？"
　　Rising，hekickedthecatoutofthedoor，andpickingupthemousecompassionatelyputitoutofitsmiserybypullingoffitshead。
　　Recalledtothebedsidebythemoansofhispatient，theKind—
　　heartedPhysicianadministeredastimulant，atonic，andanutrient，andwentaway。
　　TwooftheDamnedTWOBlightedBeings，haggard，lachrymose，anddetested，metonablastedheathinthelightofastrugglingmoon。
　　"IwishyouamerryChristmas，"saidtheFirstBlightedBeing，inavoicelikethatofasingingtomb。
　　"AndIyouahappyNewYear，"respondedtheSecondBlightedBeing，withtheaccentofapenitentaccordeon。
　　Theythenfelluponeachother’sneckandweptscaldingrillsdowneachother’sspineintokenoftheirbanishmenttotheRealmofIneffableBosh。ForoneoftheseaccursedcreatureswastheFirstofJanuary，andtheothertheTwenty—fifthofDecember。
　　TheAustereGovernorAGOVERNORvisitingaStateprisonwasimploredbyaConvicttopardonhim。
　　"Whatareyouinfor？"askedtheGovernor。
　　"Iheldahighoffice，"theConvicthumblyreplied，"andsoldsubordinateappointments。"
　　"ThenIdeclinetointerfere，"saidtheGovernor，withasperity；"amanwhoabuseshisofficebymakingitserveaprivateendandpurveyapersonaladvantageisunfittobefree。Bytheway，Mr。
　　Warden，"headdedtothatofficial，astheConvictslunkaway，"inappointingyoutothisposition，IwasgiventounderstandthatyourfriendscouldmaketheShikanecountydelegationtothenextStateconventionsolidfor—forthepresentAdministration。WasI
　　rightlyinformed？"
　　"Youwere，sir。"
　　"Verywell，then，Iwillbidyougood—day。PleasebesogoodastoappointmynephewNightChaplainandReminderofMothersandSisters。"
　　ReligionsofErrorHEARINGasoundofstrife，aChristianintheOrientaskedhisDragomanthecauseofit。
　　"TheBuddhistsarecuttingMohammedanthroats，"theDragomanreplied，withorientalcomposure。
　　"Ididnotknow，"remarkedtheChristian，withscientificinterest，"thatthatwouldmakesomuchnoise。"
　　"TheMohammedansarecuttingBuddhistthroats，too，"addedtheDragoman。