TheBishop’sgiftspreadsquicklyround;
InPETER’Sleft—offclothestheybound(Histhree—and—twentysuitstheyfoundInfairconditionstill)。
TheBishop’seyeswithwaterfill,QuiteoverjoyedtofindthemstillObedienttohissovereignwill,Andsaid,"GoodRum—ti—Foo!
Half—wayI’llmeetyou,Ideclare:
I’lldressmyselfincowriesrare,Andfastenfeathersinmyhair,Anddancethe’Cutch—chi—boo!’"(13)
AndtoconciliatehisSeeHemarriedPICCADILLILLEE,Theyoungestofhistwenty—three,Tall—neitherfatnorthin。
(AndthoughthedresshemadeherdonLooksawkwardlyagirlupon,ItwasagreatimprovementonTheonehefoundherin。)
TheBishopinhisgaycanoe(Hiswife,ofcourse,wentwithhimtoo)
Tosomeadjacentislandflew,Tospendhishoneymoon。
SomedayinsunnyRum—ti—FooAlittlePETER’llbeonview;
Andthat(ifpeopletellmetrue)
Isliketohappensoon。
Ballad:THEHAUGHTYACTOR。
ANactor—GIBBS,ofDruryLane—
Ofverydecentstation,OncehappenedinaparttogainExcessiveapprobation:
Itsometimesturnsafellow’sbrainAndmakeshimsingularlyvainWhenhebelievesthathereceivesTremendousapprobation。
Hisgreatsuccesshalfdrovehimmad,Butnooneseemedtomindhim;
Well,inanotherpiecehehadAnotherpartassignedhim。
Thispartwassmaller,byabit,Thanthatinwhichhemadeahit。
So,muchill—used,hestraightrefusedToplaythepartassignedhim。
********
THATNIGHTTHATACTORSLEPT,ANDI’LLATTEMPT
TOTELLYOUOFTHEVIVIDDREAMHEDREAMT。
THEDREAM。
Infightingwitharobberband(Athinghelovedsincerely)
AswordstruckGIBBSuponthehand,Andwoundeditseverely。
Atfirsthedidn’theeditmuch,Hethoughtitwasasimpletouch,Butsoonhefoundtheweapon’sboundHadwoundedhimseverely。
ToSurgeonCOBBhemadeatrip,Who’djusteffectedfeatlyAnamputationatthehipParticularlyneatly。
ArisingmanwasSurgeonCOBB
ButthisextremelyticklishjobHehadachieved(ashebelieved)
Particularlyneatly。
Theactorrangthesurgeon’sbell。
"Observemywoundedfinger,Begoodenoughtostrapitwell,Andpritheedonotlinger。
ThatI,dearsir,mayfillagainTheTheatreRoyalDruryLane:
ThisverynightIhavetofight—
Sopritheedonotlinger。"
"Idon’tstrapfingersupfordoles,"
Repliedthehaughtysurgeon;
"Touseyourcant,Idon’tplayROLES
Utilitythatvergeon。
Firstamputation—nothingless—
Thatismylineofbusiness:
WesurgeonnobsdespisealljobsUtilitythatvergeon"Wheninyourhiptherelurksdisease"
(Sodreamtthislivelydreamer),"OrdevastatingCARIES
InHUMERUSorFEMUR,Ifyoucanpayahandsomefee,Oh,thenyoumayrememberme—
WithjoyelateI’llamputateYourHUMERUSorFEMUR。"
ThedisconcertedactorceasedThehaughtyleechtopester,Butwhenthewoundinsizeincreased,Andthenbegantofester,HesoughtalearnedCounsel’slair,AndtoldthatCounsel,thenandthere,HowCOBB’SneglectofhisdefectHadmadehisfingerfester。
"Oh,bringmyaction,ifyouplease,ThecaseIprayyouurgeon,AndwinmethumpingdamagesFromCOBB,thathaughtysurgeon。
HeculpablyneglectedmeAlthoughIprofferedhimhisfee,Sopraycomedown,inwigandgown,OnCOBB,thathaughtysurgeon!"
ThatCounsellearnedinthelaws,Withpassionalmosttrembled。
HejusthadgainedamightycauseBeforethePeersassembled!
Saidhe,"HowdareyouhavethefaceTocomewithCommonJurycaseToonewhowingsrhetoricflingsBeforethePeersassembled?"
Dispiritedbecameourfriend—
Depressedhismoralpecker—
"Butstay!athought!—I’llgainmyend,Andsavemypoorexchequer。
Iwon’tbeplacedupontheshelf,I’lltakeitintoCourtmyself,AndlegalloredisplaybeforeTheCourtoftheExchequer。"
HefoundaBaron—oneofthoseWhowithourlawssupplyus—
Inwigandsilkengownandhose,AsifatNISIPRIUS。
Buthe’djustgiven,offthereel,AfamousjudgmentonAppeal:
ItscarcebecamehisheightenedfameTositatNISIPRIUS。
Ourfriendbegan,witheasywit,Thathalfconcealedhisterror:
"Pooh!"saidtheJudge,"IonlysitInBANCOorinError。
Canyousuppose,myman,thatI’dO’erNISIPRIUSCourtspreside,OrcondescendmytimetospendOnanythingbutError?"
"Toobad,"saidGIBBS,"mycasetoshirk!
Youmustbebadinnately,TosaveyourskillformightyworkBecauseit’svaluedgreatly!"
Butherehewoke,withsuddenstart。
********
Hewrotetosayhe’dplaythepart。
I’vebuttotellheplayeditwell—
Theauthor’swords—hisnativewitCombined,achievedaperfect"hit"—
Thepaperspraisedhimgreatly。
Ballad:THETWOMAJORS。
ANexcellentsoldierwho’sworthythenameLovesofficersdashingandstrict:
Whengood,he’scontentwithescapingallblame,Whennaughty,helikestobelicked。
Helikesforafaulttobebulliedandstormed,Orimprisonedforseveraldays,Andhates,foradutycorrectlyperformed,Tobeslaveredwithsickeningpraise。
NoofficersickenedwithpraiseshisCORPS
SolittleasMAJORLAGUERRE—
NoofficersworeathiswarriorsmoreThanMAJORMAKREDIPREPERE。
Theirsoldiersadoredthem,andeverygradeDelightedtoheartheirabuse;
ThoughwhenevertheseofficerscameonparadeTheyshiveredandshookintheirshoes。
For,oh!ifLAGUERREcouldallpraiseswithhold,Why,socouldMAKREDIPREPERE,And,oh!ifMAKREDIcouldblusterandscold,Why,socouldthemightyLAGUERRE。
"Nodoubtwedeserveit—nomercywecrave—
Goon—you’reconferringaboon;
Wewouldratherbeslangedbyawarriorbrave,Thanpraisedbyawretchedpoltroon!"
MAKREDIwouldsaythatinbattle’sfiercerageTruehappinessonlywasmet:
PoorMAJORMAKREDI,thoughfiftyhisage,Hadneverknownhappinessyet!
LAGUERREwoulddeclare,"WiththebloodofafoeNotippleisworthytoclink。"
Poorfellow!hehadn’t,thoughsixtyorso,Yettastedhisfavouritedrink!
Theyagreedattheirmess—theyagreedintheglass—
Theyagreedinthechoiceoftheir"set,"
Andtheyalsoagreedinadoring,alas!
TheVivandiere,prettyFILLETTE。
Agreement,yousee,maybecarriedtoofar,AndafteragreeingallroundForyears—inthissoldierly"maidofthebar,"
Aboneofcontentiontheyfound!
Itmayseemimpropertocallsuchapet—
Byametaphor,even—abone;
Butthoughtheyagreedinadoringher,yetEachwantedtomakeherhisown。
"Onthedaythatyoumarryher,"mutteredPREPERE
(Withapistolhequietlyplayed),"I’llscatterthebrainsinyournoddle,Iswear,Alloverthestonyparade!"
"IcannotdoTHATtoyou,"answeredLAGUERRE,"Whatevereventsmaybefall;
ButthisICANdo—IFYOUwedher,MONCHER!
I’lleatyou,moustachiosandall!"
Therivals,althoughtheywouldneverengage,Yetquarrelledwhenevertheymet;
Theymetinafuryandleftinarage,ButneithertookprettyFILLETTE。
"Iamnotafraid,"thoughtMAKREDIPREPERE:
"ForcountryI’mreadytofall;
Butnobodywants,foramereVivandiere,Tobeeaten,moustachiosandall!
"Besides,thoughLAGUERREhashisfaults,I’llallowHe’soneofthebravestofmen:
Mygoodness!ifIdisagreewithhimnow,Imightdisagreewithhimthen。"
"NocowardamI,"saidLAGUERRE,"asyouguess—
Isneeratanenemy’sblade;
ButIdon’twantPREPEREtogetintoamessForsplashingthestonyparade!"
OnedayonparadetoPREPEREandLAGUERRE
CameCORPORALJACOTDEBETTE,Andtremblingallover,heprayedofthemthereTogivehimtheprettyFILLETTE。
"Yousee,IamwillingtomarrymybrideUntilyou’vearrangedthisaffair;
IwillblowoutmybrainswhenyourhonoursdecideWhichmarriesthesweetVivandiere!"
"Well,takeher,’saidbothoftheminaduet(Afavouriteformofreply),"ButwhenIamreadytomarryFILLETTE。
Rememberyou’vepromisedtodie!"
Hemarriedherthen:fromthefloweryplainsOfexistencetherosestheycull:
Helivedandhediedwithhiswife;andhisbrainsArereposinginpeaceinhisskull。
Ballad:EMILY,JOHN,JAMES,ANDI。ADERBYLEGEND。
EMILYJANEwasanurserymaid,JAMESwasaboldLifeGuard,JOHNwasaconstable,poorlypaid(AndIamadoggerelbard)。
AverygoodgirlwasEMILYJANE,JIMMYwasgoodandtrue,JOHNwasaverygoodmaninthemain(AndIamagoodmantoo)。
RivalsforEMMIEwereJOHNNYandJAMES,ThoughEMILYlikedthemboth;
Shecouldn’ttellwhichhadthestrongestclaims(AndIcouldn’ttakemyoath)。
Butsoonerorlateryou’recertaintofindYoursentimentscan’tliehid—
JANEthoughtitwastimethatshemadeuphermind(AndIthinkitwastimeshedid)。
SaidJANE,withasmirk,andablushonherface,"I’llpromisetowedtheboyWhotakesmeto—morrowtoEpsomRace!"
(WhichIwouldhavedone,withjoy)。
FromJOHNNYescapedanexpressionofpain,ButJimmysaid,"Donewithyou!
I’lltakeyouwithpleasure,myEMILYJANE!"
(AndIwouldhavesaidsotoo)。
JOHNlayontheground,andheroaredlikemad(ForJOHNNYwassoreperplexed),Andhekickedveryhardataverysmalllad(WhichIoftendo,whenvexed)。
ForJOHNwasondutynextdaywiththeForce,TopunishallEpsomcrimes;
YoungpeopleWILLcrosswhenthey’reclearingthecourse(Idoitmyself,sometimes)。
********
TheDerbyDaysunglitteredgailyoncads,Onmaidenswithgambogehair,Onsharpersandpickpockets,swindlersandpads,(ForI,withmyharp,wasthere)。
AndJIMMYwentdownwithhisJANEthatday,AndJOHNbythecollarornapeSeizedeverybodywhocameinhisway(AndIhadanarrowescape)。
HenoticedhisEMILYJANEwithJIM,Andenviedthewell—madeelf;
Andpeopleremarkedthathemuttered"Oh,dim!"
(Ioftensay"dim!"myself)。
JOHNdoggedthemallday,withoutaskingtheirleaves;
Forhissergeanthetold,aside,ThatJIMMYandJANEwerenotoriousthieves(AndIthinkhewasjustified)。
ButJAMESwouldn’tdreamofabstractingafork,AndJENNYwouldblushwithshameAtstealingsomuchasabottleorcork(AbottleIthinkfairgame)。
But,ah!there’sanothermoreseriouscrime!
TheywickedlystrayeduponThecourse,atacriticalmomentoftime(IpointedthemouttoJOHN)。
Theconstablefellonthepairinacrack—
Andthen,withademonsmile,LetJENNYcrossover,butsentJIMMYback(Iplayedonmyharpthewhile)。
SternJOHNNYtheiragonyloudderidesWithaverytriumphantsneer—
Theyweepandtheywailfromtheoppositesides(AndIshedasilenttear)。
AndJENNYiscryingawaylikemad,AndJIMMYisswearinghard;
AndJOHNNYislookinguncommonlyglad(AndIamadoggerelbard)。
ButJIMMYheventuredoncrossingagainThescenesofourIsthmianGames—
JOHNcaughthim,andcollaredhim,givinghimpain(IfeltverymuchforJAMES)。
JOHNledhimawaywithavictor’shand,AndJIMMYwasshortlyseenInthestation—houseunderthegrandGrandStand(AsmanyatimeI’VEbeen)。
AndJIMMY,badboy,wasimprisonedforlife,ThoughEMILYpleadedhard;
AndJOHNNYhadEMILYJANEtowife(AndIamadoggerelbard)。
Ballad:THEPERILSOFINVISIBILITY。
OLDPETERledawretchedlife—
OldPETERhadafuriouswife;
OldPETERtoowastrulystout,Hemeasuredseveralyardsabout。
ThelittlefairyPICKLEKIN
Onesummerafternoonlookedin,Andsaid,"OldPETER,howdedo?
CanIdoanythingforyou?
"Ihavethreegifts—thefirstwillgiveUnboundedricheswhileyoulive;
Thesecondhealthwhere’eryoube;
Thethird,invisibility。"
"OlittlefairyPICKLEKIN,"
OldPETERansweredwithagrin,"Tohesitatewouldbeabsurd,—
UndoubtedlyIchoosethethird。"
"’Tisyours,"thefairysaid;"bequiteInvisibletomortalsightWhene’eryouplease。RemembermeMostkindly,pray,toMRS。P。"
OldMRS。PETERoverheardWeePICKLEKIN’Sconcludingword,And,jealousofhergirlhood’schoice,Said,"Thatwassomeyoungwoman’svoice:
OldPETERletherscoldandswear—
OldPETER,blesshim,didn’tcare。
"Mydear,yourrageiswastedquite—
Observe,Idisappearfromsight!"
Awell—bredfairy(soI’veheard)
Isalwaysfaithfultoherword:
OldPETERvanishedlikeashot,Putthen—HISSUITOFCLOTHESDIDNOT!
ForwhenconferredthefairyslimInvisibilityonHIM,Shepoppedawayonfairywings,Withoutreferringtohis"things。"
Sothereremainedacoatofblue,Avestanddoubleeyeglasstoo,Histail,hisshoes,hissocksaswell,Hispairof—no,Imustnottell。
OldMRS。PETERsoonbeganToseethefailureofhisplan,Andthenresolved(IquotetheBard)
To"hoisthimwithhisownpetard。"
OldPETERwokenextdayanddressed,Putonhiscoat,andshoes,andvest,Hisshirtandstock;BUTCOULDNOTFIND
HISONLYPAIROF—nevermind!
OldPETERwasadecentman,Andthoughhetwiggedhislady’splan,Yet,hearingherapproaching,heResumedinvisibility。
"DearMRS。P。,myonlyjoy,"
Exclaimedthehorrifiedoldboy,"Now,givethemup,Ibegofyou—
YouknowwhatI’mreferringto!"
Butno;thecrossoldladysworeShe’dkeephis—whatIsaidbefore—
Tomakehimpubliclyabsurd;
AndMRS。PETERkeptherword。
Thepooroldfellowhadnorest;
Hiscoat,hisstick,hisshoes,hisvest,Wereallthatnowmetmortaleye—
Therest,invisibility!
"Now,madam,givethemup,Ibeg—
I’vehadrheumaticsinmyleg;
Besides,untilyoudo,it’splainIcannotcometosightagain!
"ForthoughsomemirthitmightaffordToseemyclotheswithouttheirlord,YettherewouldriseindignantoathsIfhewereseenwithouthisclothes!"
Butno;resolvedtohaveherquiz,Theladyheldherown—andhis—
AndPETERlefthishumblecotTofindapairof—youknowwhat。
But—here’stheworstoftheaffair—
Whene’erhecameacrossapairAlreadyplacedforhimtodon,Hewastoostouttogetthemon!
Soheresolvedatoncetotrain,Andwalkedandwalkedwithallhismain;
Foryearshepacedthismortalearth,Tobringhimselftodecentgirth。
Atnight,whenallaroundisstill,You’llfindhimpoundingupahill;
Andshriekingpeasantswhomhemeets,Falldowninterroronthepeats!
OldPETERwalksthroughwindandrain,Resolvedtotrain,andtrain,andtrain,Untilheweighstwelvestone’orso—
Andwhenhedoes,I’llletyouknow。
Ballad:THEMYSTICSELVAGEE。
PERHAPSalreadyyoumayknowSIRBLENNERHASSETPORTICO?
ACaptainintheNavy,he—
ABaronetandK。C。B。
Youdo?Ithoughtso!
ItwasthatCaptain’sfavouritewhim(Anotionnotconfinedtohim)
ThatRODNEYwasthegreatesttarWhoeverwieldedcapstan—bar。
Hehadbeentaughtso。
"BENBOW!CORNWALLIS!HOOD!—Belay!
ComparedwithRODNEY"—hewouldsay—
"Noothertariswortharap!
ThegreatLORDRODNEYwasthechapTheFrenchtopolish!
"Though,mindyou,IrespectLORDHOOD;
CORNWALLIS,too,wasrathergood;
BENBOWcouldenemiesrepel,LORDNELSON,too,wasprettywell—
Thatis,tol—lol—ish!"
SIRBLENNERHASSETspenthisdaysInlearningRODNEY’Slittleways,Andcloselyimitated,too,Hismodeoftalkingtohiscrew—
Hisportandpaces。
AnancienttarhetriedtocatchWho’dservedinRODNEY’Sfamousbatch;
Butsincehistimelongyearshavefled,AndRODNEY’Starsaremostlydead:
EHEUFUGACES!
Butaftersearchingnearandfar,AtlasthefoundanancienttarWhoservedwithRODNEYandhiscrewAgainsttheFrenchin’Eighty—two,(Thatgainedthepeerage)。
Hegavehimfiftypoundsayear,Hisrum,hisbaccy,andhisbeer;
AndhadacomfortabledenRiggedupinwhat,bymerchantmen,Iscalledthesteerage。
"Now,JASPER"—’twasthatsailor’sname—
"Don’tfearthatyou’llincurmyblameBysaying,whenitseemstoyou,ThatthereisanythingIdoThatRODNEYwouldn’t。"
Theancientsailorturnedhisquid,Preparedtodoashewasbid:
"Ay,ay,yerhonour;tobegin,You’vedoneawaywith’swiftingin’—
Well,sir,youshouldn’t!
"UponyoursparsIseeyou’veclappedPeakhalliardblocks,alliron—capped。
Iwouldnotchristenthatacrime,But’twasnotdoneinRODNEY’Stime。
Itlookshalf—witted!
Uponyourmaintop—stay,Isee,Youalwaysclapaselvagee!
Yourstays,Isee,areequalized—
Novessel,suchasRODNEYprized,Wouldthusbefitted!
"AndRODNEY,honouredsir,wouldgrinToseeyouturningdeadeyesin,NotUP,asintheancientway,Butdownwards,likeacutter’sstay—
Youdidn’toughter;
Besides,inseizingshroudsonboard,Breastbackstaysyouhavequiteignored;
GreatRODNEYkeptuntothelastBreastbackstaysontopgallantmast—
Theymakeittauter。"
SIRBLENNERHASSET"swiftedin,"
Turneddeadeyesup,andlentafinTostrip(astoldbyJASPERKNOX)
Theironcappingfromhisblocks,Wheretherewasany。
SIRBLENNERHASSETdoesaway,Withselvageesfrommaintop—stay;
Andthoughitmakeshissailorsstare,Herigsbreastbackstayseverywhere—
Infact,toomany。
Onemorning,whenthesaucycraftLaycalmed,oldJASPERtoddledaft。
"Mymindmisgivesme,sir,thatweWerewrongaboutthatselvagee—
Ishouldrestoreit。"
"Good,"saidtheCaptain,andthatdayRestoredittothemaintop—stay。
Well—practisedsailorsoftenmakeAmuchmoreseriousmistake,Andthenignoreit。
NextdayoldJASPERcameoncemore:
"Ithink,sir,Iwasrightbefore。"
Well,upthemastthesailorsskipped,Theselvageewassoonunshipped,Andallweremerry。
Againaday,andJASPERcame:
"Ip’r’apsdeserveyourhonour’sblame,Ican’tmakeupmymind,"saidhe,"Aboutthatcursedselvagee—
It’sfoolish—very。
"OnMondaynightIcouldhaveswornThatmaintop—stayitshouldadorn,OnTuesdaymorningIcouldswearThatselvageeshouldnotbethere。
Theknot’sarasper!"
"Oh,youbehanged,"saidCAPTAINP。,"Here,goashoreatCaribbee。
Getout—goodbye—shoveoff—allright!"
OldJASPERsoonwasoutofsight—
Farewell,oldJASPER!
Ballad:PHRENOLOGY。
"COME,collarthisbadman—
AroundthethroatheknottedmeTillItochokebegan—
Inpointoffact,garottedme!"
SospakeSIRHERBERTWRITE
ToJAMES,PolicemanThirty—two—
AllruffledwithhisfightSIRHERBERTwas,anddirtytoo。
Policemannothingsaid(Thoughhehadmuchtosayonit),Butfromthebadman’sheadHetookthecapthatlayonit。
"No,greatSIRHERBERTWHITE—
Impossibletotakehimup。
Thismanishonestquite—
Whereverdidyourakehimup?
"ForBurglars,Thieves,andCo。,Indeed,I’mnoapologist,ButI,someyearsago,AssistedaPhrenologist。
"Observehisvariousbumps,HisheadasIuncoverit:
HismoralslieinlumpsAllroundaboutandoverit。"
"Nowtakehim,"saidSIRWHITE,"Oryouwillsoonberueingit;
Blessme!Imustberight,—
Icaughtthefellowdoingit!"
Policemancalmlysmiled,"Indeedyouaremistaken,sir,You’reagitated—riled—
Andverybadlyshaken,sir。
"Sitdown,andI’llexplainMysystemofPhrenology,Asecond,please,remain"—
(Asecondishorology)。
Policemanlefthisbeat—
(TheBart。,nolongerfurious,Satdownuponaseat,Observing,"Thisiscurious!")
"Oh,surely,herearesignsShouldsoftenyourrigidity:
ThisgentlemancombinesPolitenesswithtimidity。
"OfShynesshere’salump—
AholeforAnimosity—
AndlikemyfisthisbumpOfImpecuniosity。
"JustherethebumpappearsOfInnocentHilarity,AndjustbehindhisearsAreFaith,andHope,andCharity。
HeoftrueChristianwaysAsbrightexamplesentusis—
Thismaximheobeys,’SORTETUACONTENTUSSIS。’
"There,lethimgohisways,Heneedsnosternadmonishing。"
TheBart。,inblankamaze,Exclaimed,"Thisisastonishing!
"IMUSThavemadeamull,ThismatterI’vebeenblindinit:
Examine,please,MYskull,Andtellmewhatyoufindinit。"
ThatCrusherlooked,andsaid,Withunimpairedurbanity,"SIRHERBERT,you’veaheadThatteemswithinhumanity。
"Here’sMurder,Envy,Strife(Propensitytokillany),AndLiesaslargeaslife,AndheapsofSocialVillany。
"Here’sLoveofBran—NewClothes,Embezzling—Arson—Deism—
AtasteforSlangandOaths,AndFraudulentTrusteeism。
"Here’sLoveofGroundlessCharge—
Here’sMalice,too,andTrickery,UnusuallylargeYourbumpofPocket—Pickery—"
"Stop!"saidtheBart。,"mycupIsfull—I’mworsethanhiminall;
Policeman,takemeup—
NodoubtIamsomecriminal!"
ThatPleeceman’sscorngrewlarge(Phrenologyhadnettledit),HetookthatBart。incharge—
Idon’tknowhowtheysettledit。
Ballad:THEFAIRYCURATE。
ONCEafairyLightandairyMarriedwithamortal;
Men,however,Never,neverPassthefairyportal。
Slylystealing,ShetoEalingMadeadailyjourney;
Thereshefoundhim,Clientsroundhim(Hewasanattorney)。
Longtheytarried,Thentheymarried。
WhentheceremonyOncewasended,OfftheywendedOntheirmoonofhoney。
Twelvemonth,maybe,Sawababy(Friendsperformedanorgie)。
Muchtheyprizedhim,AndbaptizedhimBythenameofGEORGIE,GEORGIEgrewup;
ThenheflewupTohisfairymother。
Happymeeting—
Pleasantgreeting—
Kissingoneanother。
"ChooseacallingMostenthralling,Isincerelyurgeye。"
"Mother,"saidhe(Rev’rencemadehe),"Iwouldjointheclergy。
"GivepermissionInaddition—
Pawillletmedoit:
There’salivingInhisgiving—
He’llappointmetoit。
Dreamsofcoff’ring,Easteroff’ring,Titheandrentandpew—rate,Soinflameme(Donotblameme),ThatI’llbeacurate。"
She,withpleasure,Said,"Mytreasure,’Tismywishprecisely。
Doyourduty,There’sabeauty;
Youhavechosenwisely。
TellyourfatherIwouldratherAsachurchmanrankyou。
You,inclover,I’llwatchover。"
GEORGIEsaid,"Oh,thankyou!"
GEORGIEscudded,Wentandstudied,Madeallpreparations,Andwithcredit(Thoughhesaidit)
Passedexaminations。
(DonotquarrelWithhim,moral,Scrupulousdigestions—
’Twashismother,Andnoother,Answeredallthequestions。)
Timeproceeded;
LittleneededGEORGIEadmonition:
He,elated,VindicatedClergyman’sposition。
PeopleroundhimAlwaysfoundhimPlainandunpretending;
Kindlyteaching,Plainlypreaching,Allhismoneylending。
Sothefairy,Wiseandwary,Feltnosorrowrising—
NooccasionForpersuasion,Warning,oradvising。
He,resumingFairypluming(That’snotEnglish,isit?)
Oftwouldflyup,Totheskyup,Paymammaavisit。
********
Timeprogressing,GEORGIE’SblessingGrewmoreRitualistic—
Popishscandals,Tonsures—sandals—
Genuflectionsmystic;
Gushingmeetings—
Bosom—beatings—
Heavenlyecstatics—
Broideredspencers—
Copesandcensers—
Rochetsanddalmatics。
ThisquandaryVexedthefairy—
FlewshedowntoEaling。
"GEORGIE,stopit!
Prayyou,dropit;
Harktomyappealing:
TothisfoolishPapalrule—ishTwaddleputanending;
ThisaswerveisFromourServicePlainandunpretending。"
He,replying,Answered,sighing,Hawing,hemming,humming,"It’sapity—
They’resopritty;
Yetinmodebecoming,Mothertender,I’llsurrender—
I’llbeunaffected—"
ButhisBishopIntoHISshopEnteredunexpected!
"Whoisthis,sir,—
Balletmiss,sir?"
SaidtheBishopcoldly。
"’Tismymother,Andnoother,"
GEORGIEansweredboldly。
"Goalong,sir!
Youarewrong,sir;
Youhaveyearsinplenty,Whilethishussy(Graciousmussy!)
Isn’ttwoandtwenty!"
(FairiescleverNever,neverGrowinvisageolder;
Andthefairy,Allunwary,Leantuponhisshoulder!)
Bishopgrievedhim,Disbelievedhim;
GEORGEthepointgrewwarmon;
Changedreligion,Likeapigeon,(14)
AndbecameaMormon!
Ballad:THEWAYOFWOOING。
AMAIDENsatatherwindowwide,PrettyenoughforaPrince’sbride,Yetnobodycametoclaimher。
Shesatlikeabeautifulpicturethere,Withprettybluebellsandrosesfair,Andjasmine—leavestoframeher。
Andwhyshesattherenobodyknows;
Butthisshesangasshepluckedarose,Theleavesaroundherstrewing:
"I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose;
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos,Butthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Alovercameridingbyawhile,Awealthyloverwashe,whosesmileSomemaidswouldvaluegreatly—
Aformallover,whobowedandbent,Withmanyahigh—flowncompliment,Andcolddemeanourstately,"You’vestill,"saidshetohersuitorstern,"The’prentice—workofyourcrafttolearn,Ifthusyoucomea—cooing。
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose;
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos,Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Asecondlovercameamblingby—
AtimidladwithafrightenedeyeAndacolourmantlinghighly。
Hemutteredtheerrandonwhichhe’dcome,Thenonlychuckledandbithisthumb,Andsimpered,simperedshyly。
"No,"saidthemaiden,"goyourway;
Youdarebutthinkwhatamanwouldsay,Yetdaretocomea—suing!
I’vetimetoloseandpowertochoose;
’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos,Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Athirdrodeupatastartlingpace—
Asuitorpoor,withahomelyface—
Nodoubtsappearedtobindhim。
Hekissedherlipsandhepressedherwaist,Andoffherodewiththemaiden,placedOnapillionsafebehindhim。
AndsheheardthesuitorboldconfideThisgoldenhinttothepriestwhotiedTheknotthere’snoundoing;
Withprettyyoungmaidenswhocanchoose,’Tisnotsomuchthegallantwhowoos,Asthegallant’sWAYofwooing!"
Ballad:HONGREEANDMAHRY。ARECOLLECTIONOFASURREYMELODRAMA。
THEsunwassettinginitswontedwest,WhenHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,MetMAHRYDAUBIGNY,theVillageRose,UndertheWizard’sOak—oldtrysting—placeOfthosewholovedinrosyAquitaine。
Theythoughtthemselvesunwatched,buttheywerenot;
ForHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,FoundinLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
Arival,enviousandunscrupulous,Whothoughtitnotfoulscorntododgehissteps,Andlisten,unperceived,toallthatpassedBetweenthesimplelittleVillageRoseAndHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Aclumsybarrack—bullywasDUBOSC,Quiteunfamiliarwiththewell—bredtactThatanimatesapropergentlemanIndealingwithagirlofhumblerank。
You’llunderstandhiscoarsenesswhenIsayHewouldhavemarriedMAHRYDAUBIGNY,AnddraggedtheunsophisticatedgirlIntothewhirloffashionablelife,Forwhichhersingularlyrusticways,Herbreeding(moral,butextremelyrude),Herlanguage(chaste,butungrammatical),Wouldabsolutelyhaveunfittedher。
HowdifferenttothisunreflectingboorWasHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
ContemporarywiththeincidentRelatedinouropeningparagraph,Wasthatsadwar’twixtGalliaandourselvesThatfollowedonthetreatysignedatTroyes;
AndsoLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC
(Bravesoldier,he,withallhisfaultsofstyle)
AndHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,WeresentbyCHARLESofFranceagainstthelinesOfourSixthHENRY(Fourteentwenty—nine),TodrivehislegionsoutofAquitaine。
WhenHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,Returned,suspectingnothing,tohiscamp,AfterhismeetingwiththeVillageRose,Hefoundinsidehisbarrackletter—boxAnotefromthecommandingofficer,Requiringhisattendanceathead—quarters。
Hewent,andfoundLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLES。
"YoungHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,ThisnightweshallattacktheEnglishcamp:
Bethe’forlornhope’yours—you’llleadit,sir,Andleadittoowithcredit,I’venodoubt。
Aseverymanmustcertainlybekilled(Foryouaretwenty’gainsttwothousandmen),Itisnotlikelythatyouwillreturn。
Butwhatofthat?you’llhavethebenefitOfknowingthatyoudieasoldier’sdeath。"
ObediencewasyoungHONGREE’Sstrongestpoint,ButheimaginedthatheonlyowedAllegiancetohisMAHRYandhisKing。
"IfMAHRYbademeleadthesefatedmen,I’dleadthem—butIdonotthinkshewould。
IfCHARLES,myKing,said,’Go,myson,anddie,’
I’dgo,ofcourse—mydutywouldbeclear。
ButMAHRYisinbedasleep,Ihope,AndCHARLES,myKing,ahundredleaguesfromthis。
AsforLIEUTENANT—COLONELJOOLESDUBOSC,HowknowIthatourmonarchwouldapproveTheorderhehasgivenmeto—night?
MyKingI’vesworninallthingstoobey—
I’llonlytakemyordersfrommyKing!"
ThusHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,Interpretedthetermsofhiscommission。
AndHONGREE,whowaswiseashewasgood,Disguisedhimselfthatnightinamplecloak,Roundflappinghat,andvizormaskofblack,Andmade,unnoticed,fortheEnglishcamp。
Hepassedtheunsuspectingsentinels(WholittlethoughtamaninthisdisguiseCouldbeaproperobjectofsuspicion),Anderethecurfewbellhadboomed"lightsout,"
HefoundinaudienceBedford’shaughtyDuke。
"YourGrace,"hesaid,"startnot—benotalarmed,AlthoughaFrenchmanstandsbeforeyoureyes。
I’mHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
MyColonelwillattackyourcampto—night,Andordersmetoleadthehopeforlorn。
NowIamsureourexcellentKINGCHARLES
Wouldnotapproveofthis;buthe’sawayAhundredleagues,andrathermorethanthat。
So,utterlydevotedtomyKing,Blindedbymyattachmenttothethrone,Andhavingbutitsinterestatheart,IfeelitismydutytodiscloseAllschemesthatemanatefromCOLONELJOOLES,IfIbelievethattheyarenotthekindOfschemesthatourgoodmonarchwouldapprove。"
"Buthow,"saidBedford’sDuke,"doyouproposeThatweshouldoverthrowyourColonel’sscheme?"
AndHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores,Repliedatoncewithnever—failingtact:
"Oh,sir,Iknowthiscursedcountrywell。
Entrustyourselfandallyourhosttome;
I’llleadyousafelybyasecretpathIntotheheartofCOLONELJOOLES’array,Andyoucanthenattackthemunprepared,Andslaymyfellow—countrymenunarmed。"
Thethingwasdone。TheDUKEofBEDFORDgaveTheorder,andtwothousandfightingmenCreptsilentlyintotheGalliccamp,AndslewtheFrenchmenastheylayasleep;
AndBedford’shaughtyDukeslewCOLONELJOOLES,AndgavefairMAHRY,prideofAquitaine,ToHONGREE,Sub—LieutenantofChassoores。
Ballad:ETIQUETTE。(15)
THEBALLYSHANNONfounderedoffthecoastofCariboo,Anddowninfathomsmanywentthecaptainandthecrew;
Downwenttheowners—greedymenwhomhopeofgainallured:
Oh,drythestartingtear,fortheywereheavilyinsured。
Besidesthecaptainandthemate,theownersandthecrew,Thepassengerswerealsodrownedexceptingonlytwo:
YoungPETERGRAY,whotastedteasforBAKER,CROOP,ANDCO。,AndSOMERS,whofromEasternshoresimportedindigo。
Thesepassengers,byreasonoftheirclingingtoamast,Uponadesertislandwereeventuallycast。
Theyhuntedfortheirmeals,asALEXANDERSELKIRKused,Buttheycouldn’tchattogether—theyhadnotbeenintroduced。
ForPETERGRAY,andSOMERStoo,thoughcertainlyintrade,Wereproperlyparticularaboutthefriendstheymade;
Andsomehowthustheysettleditwithoutawordofmouth—
ThatGRAYshouldtakethenorthernhalf,whileSOMERStookthesouth。
OnPETER’Sportionoystersgrew—adelicacyrare,ButoysterswereadelicacyPETERcouldn’tbear。
OnSOMERS’sidewasturtle,ontheshinglelyingthick,WhichSOMERScouldn’teat,becauseitalwaysmadehimsick。
GRAYgnashedhisteethwithenvyashesawamightystoreOfturtleunmolestedonhisfellow—creature’sshore。
Theoystersathisfeetasideimpatientlyheshoved,Forturtleandhismotherweretheonlythingsheloved。
AndSOMERSsighedinsorrowashesettledinthesouth,ForthethoughtofPETER’Soystersbroughtthewatertohismouth。
Helongedtolayhimdownupontheshellybed,andstuff:
Hehadofteneatenoysters,buthadneverhadenough。
HowtheywishedanintroductiontoeachothertheyhadhadWhenonboardtheBALLYSHANNON!AnditdrovethemnearlymadTothinkhowveryfriendlywitheachothertheymightget,Ifitwasn’tforthearbitraryruleofetiquette!
Oneday,whenouta—huntingfortheMUSRIDICULUS,GRAYoverheardhisfellow—mansoliloquizingthus:
"Iwonderhowtheplaymatesofmyyoutharegettingon,M’CONNELL,S。B。WALTERS,PADDYBYLES,andROBINSON?"
ThesesimplewordsmadePETERasdelightedascouldbe,OldchummiesattheCharterhousewereROBINSONandhe!
HewalkedstraightuptoSOMERS,thenheturnedextremelyred,Hesitated,hummedandhawedabit,thenclearedhisthroat,andsaid:
Ibegyourpardon—prayforgivemeifIseemtoobold,ButyouhavebreathedanameIknewfamiliarlyofold。
YouspokealoudofROBINSON—Ihappenedtobeby。
Youknowhim?""Yes,extremelywell。""Allowme,sodoI。"
Itwasenough:theyfelttheycouldmorepleasantlygeton,For(ah,themagicofthefact!)theyeachknewROBINSON!
AndMr。SOMERS’turtlewasatPETER’Sservicequite,AndMr。SOMERSpunishedPETER’Soyster—bedsallnight。
Theysoonbecamelikebrothersfromcommunityofwrongs:
Theywroteeachotherlittleodesandsangeachothersongs;
Theytoldeachotheranecdotesdisparagingtheirwives;
Onseveraloccasions,too,theysavedeachother’slives。
Theyfeltquitemelancholywhentheypartedforthenight,Andgotupinthemorningsoonaseveritwaslight;
Eachother’spleasantcompanytheyreckonedsoupon,AndallbecauseithappenedthattheybothknewROBINSON!
Theylivedformanyyearsonthatinhospitableshore,Anddaybydaytheylearnedtoloveeachothermoreandmore。
Atlast,totheirastonishment,ongettinguponeday,Theysawafrigateanchoredintheoffingofthebay。
ToPETERanideaoccurred。"Supposewecrossthemain?
Sogoodanopportunitymaynotbefoundagain。"
AndSOMERSthoughtaminute,thenejaculated,"Done!
IwonderhowmybusinessintheCity’sgettingon?"
"Butstay,"saidMr。PETER:"wheninEngland,asyouknow,IearnedalivingtastingteasforBAKER,CROOP,ANDCO。,Imaybesuperseded—myemployersthinkmedead!"
"Thencomewithme,"saidSOMERS,"andtasteindigoinstead。"
ButalltheirplanswerescatteredinamomentwhentheyfoundThevesselwasaconvictshipfromPortland,outwardbound;
Whenaboatcameofftofetchthem,thoughtheyfeltitverykind,Togoonboardtheyfirmlybutrespectfullydeclined。
Asboththehappysettlersroaredwithlaughteratthejoke,Theyrecognizedagentlemanlyfellowpullingstroke:
’TwasROBINSON—aconvict,inanunbecomingfrock!
Condemnedtosevenyearsformisappropriatingstock!!!
Theylaughednomore,forSOMERSthoughthehadbeenratherrashInknowingonewhosefriendhadmisappropriatedcash;
AndPETERthoughtafoolishtackhemusthavegoneuponInmakingtheacquaintanceofafriendofROBINSON。
Atfirsttheydidn’tquarrelveryopenly,I’veheard;
Theynoddedwhentheymet,andnowandthenexchangedaword:
Thewordgrewrare,andrarerstillthenoddingofthehead,Andwhentheymeeteachothernow,theycuteachotherdead。
Toallocatetheislandtheyagreedbywordofmouth,AndPETERtakesthenorthagain,andSOMERStakesthesouth;
AndPETERhastheoysters,whichhehates,inlayersthick,AndSOMERShastheturtle—turtlealwaysmakeshimsick。
Ballad:ATAPANTOMIME。BYABILIOUSONE。
ANActorsitsindoubtfulgloom,Hisstock—in—tradeunfurled,Inadampfunerealdressing—roomIntheTheatreRoyal,World。
HecomestotownatChristmas—time,Andbravesitsicybreath,Toplayinthatfavouritepantomime,HARLEQUINLIFEANDDEATH。
AhoaryflowingwighisweirdUnearthlycraniumcaps,HehangsalongbenevolentbeardOnapairofemptychaps。
TosmoothhisghastlyfeaturesdownTheactor’sarthecribs,—
Alongandaflowingpaddedgown。
Bedeckshisrattlingribs。
Hecries,"Goon—begin,begin!
Turnonthelightoflime—
I’mdressedforjollyOldChristmas,inAfavouritepantomime!"
Thecurtain’sup—thestageallblack—
Timeandtheyearnighsped—
Timeasanadvertisingquack—
TheOldYearnearlydead。
ThewandofTimeiswaved,andlo!
RevealedOldChristmasstands,Andlittlechildrenchuckleandcrow,Andlaughandclaptheirhands。
ThecrueloldscoundrelbrightensupAtthedeathoftheOldenYear,Andhewavesagorgeousgoldencup,Andbidstheworldgoodcheer。
ThelittleoneshailthefestiveKing,—
Nothoughtcanmakethemsad。
Theirlaughtercomeswithasoundingring,Theyclapandcrowlikemad!
TheyonlyseeinthehumbugoldAholidayeveryyear,Andhandsomegifts,andjoysuntold,Andunaccustomedcheer。
Theoldones,palsied,blear,andhoar,Theirbreastsinanguishbeat—
They’veseenhimseventytimesbefore,Howwelltheyknowthecheat!
They’veseenthatghastlypantomime,They’vefeltitsblightingbreath,TheyknowthatrollickingChristmas—timeMeantColdandWantandDeath,—
Starvation—PoorLawUnionfare—
Anddeadlycrampsandchills,Andillness—illnesseverywhere,Andcrime,andChristmasbills。
TheyknowOldChristmaswell,Iween,Thosemenofripenedage;
They’veoften,often,oftenseenThatActoroffthestage!
TheyseeinhisgayrotundityAclumsystuffed—outdress—
TheyseeinthecuphewavesonhighAtinselledemptiness。
Thoseagedmensoleanandwan,They’veseenitallbefore,Theyknowthey’llseethecharlatanButtwiceorthreetimesmore。
Andsotheybearwithdanceandsong,Andcrimsonfoilandgreen,Theywearilysit,andgrimlylongFortheTransformationScene。
Ballad:HAUNTED。
HAUNTED?Ay,inasocialwayByabodyofghostsindreadarray;
Butnoconventionalspectresthey—
Appalling,grim,andtricky:
IquailatmineasI’dneverquailAtafinetraditionalspectrepale,Withaturnipheadandaghostlywail,Andasplashofbloodonthedickey!
Minearehorrible,socialghosts,—
Speechesandwomenandguestsandhosts,Weddingsandmorningcallsandtoasts,Ineverybadvariety:
GhostswhohoveraboutthegraveOfallthat’smanly,free,andbrave:
You’llfindtheirnamesonthearchitraveOfthatcharnel—house,Society。
BlackMonday—blackasitsschool—roomink—
WithitsdismalboysthatsnivelandthinkOfitsnauseousmessestoeatanddrink,Anditsfrozentanktowashin。
Thatwasthefirstthatbroughtmegrief,Andmademeweep,tillIsoughtreliefInanemblematicalhandkerchief,Tochokesuchbabyboshin。
Firstandworstinthegrimarray—
Ghostsofghoststhathavegonetheirway,WhichIwouldn’treviveforasingledayForallthewealthofPLUTUS—
Arethehorribleghoststhatschool—daysscared:
IftheclassicalghostthatBRUTUSdaredWastheghostofhis"Caesar"unprepared,I’msureIpityBRUTUS。
Ipasstocriticalseventeen;
Theghostofthatterribleweddingscene,WhenanelderlyColonelstolemyQueen,Andwokemydreamofheaven。
Noschoolgirldeckedinhernurse—roomcurlsWasmygushinginnocentQueenofPearls;
Ifshewasn’tagirlofathousandgirls,Shewasoneofforty—seven!
Iseetheghostofmyfirstcigar,Ofthethence—arisingfamilyjar—
Ofmymaidenbrief(IwasattheBar,AndIcalledtheJudge"Yourwushup!")
Ofrecklessdaysandrecklessnights,Withwrenched—offknockers,extinguishedlights,Unholysongsandtipsyfights,WhichIstroveinvaintohushup。
Ghostsoffraudulentjoint—stockbanks,Ghostsof"copy,declinedwiththanks,"
Ofnovelsreturnedinendlessranks,Andthousandsmore,Isuffer。
TheonlylinetofitlygraceMyhumbletomb,whenI’verunmyrace,Is,"Reader,thisistheresting—placeOfanunsuccessfulduffer。"
I’vefoughtthemall,theseghostsofmine,ButtheweaponsI’veusedaresighsandbrine,AndnowthatI’mnearlyforty—nine,Oldageismychiefestbogy;
Formyhairisthinningawayatthecrown,Andthesilverfightswiththeworn—outbrown;
AndageneralverdictsetsmedownAsanirreclaimablefogy。
Footnotes:
(1)AversionofthisballadispublishedasaSong,byMr。
Jeffreys,SohoSquare。
(2)ThisballadispublishedasaSong,underthetitle"If,"byMessrs。CramerandCo。
(3)"GowithmetoaNotary—sealmethereYoursinglebond。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE,ActI。,sc。3。
(4)"Andthereshallshe,atFriarLawrence’cell,Beshrivedandmarried。"—ROMEOANDJULIET,ActII。,sc。4。
(5)"Andgivethefastinghorsesprovender。"—HENRYTHEFIFTH,ActIV。,sc。2。
(6)"Letus,likemerchants,showourfoulestwares。"—TROILUSAND
CRESSIDA,ActI。,sc。3。
(7)"ThenmusttheJewbemerciful。"—MERCHANTOFVENICE,ActIV。,sc。1。
(8)"Thespring,thesummer,Thechillingautumn,angrywinter,changeTheirwontedliveries。"—MIDSUMMERNIGHTDREAM,ActIV。,sc。1。
(9)"InthecountyofGlo’ster,justiceofthepeaceandCORAM。"
MERRYWIVESOFWINDSOR,ActI。,sc。1。
(10)"Whatlustytrumpetthusdothsummonus?"—KINGJOHN,ActV。,sc。2。
(11)"AndI’llprovidehisexecutioner。"—HENRYTHESIXTH(SecondPart),ActIII。,sc。1。
(12)"Thelionesshadtornsomefleshaway,Whichallthiswhilehadbled。"—ASYOULIKEIT,ActIV。,sc。3。
(13)DescribedbyMUNGOPARK。
(14)"Likeabird。"—SLANGEXPRESSION。
(15)Reprintedfromthe"TheGraphic,"bypermissionoftheproprietors。
第3章