"Come，POLTER，"saidthefiend，"begin，Andkeepthebowla—flowingon—
　　AworkingmanneedspintsofginTokeephisclockworkgoingon。"
　　BOBshuddered："Ah，you’vemadeamissIfyoutakemeforoneofyou：
　　Youfilthybeast，getoutofthis—
　　BOBPOLTERdon’twan’tnoneofyou。"
　　Thedemongaveadrunkenshriek，Andcreptawayinstealthiness，Andlo!instead，apersonsleek，Whoseemedtoburstwithhealthiness。
　　"Inme，asyouradviserhints，OfAbstinenceyou’vegotatype—
　　OfMR。TWEEDIE’SprettyprintsIamthehappyprototype。
　　"Ifyouabjurethesocialtoast，Andpipes，andsuchfrivolities，YoupossiblysomedaymayboastMyprepossessingqualities!"
　　BOBrubbedhiseyes，andmade’emblink：
　　"Youalmostmakemetremble，you!
　　IfIabjurefermenteddrink，ShallI，indeed，resembleyou？
　　"Andwillmywhiskerscurlsotight？
　　Mycheeksgrowsmugandmuttony？
　　Myfacebecomesoredandwhite？
　　Mycoatsoblueandbuttony？
　　"Willtrousers，suchasyours，arrayExtremitiesinferior？
　　WillchubbinessassertitsswayAllovermyexterior？
　　"Inthis，myunenlightenedstate，ToworkinheavybootsIcomes；
　　WillpumpshenceforwarddecorateMytiddletoddletootsicums？
　　"AndshallIgetsoplumpandfresh，Andlooknolongerseedily？
　　MyskinwillhenceforthfitmyfleshSotightlyandsoTWEEDIE—ly？"
　　Thephantomsaid，"You’llhaveallthis，You’llknownokindofhuffiness，Yourlifewillbeonechubbybliss，Onelongunruffledpuffiness!"
　　"Beoff!"saidirritatedBOB。
　　"Whycomeyouheretobotherone？
　　Youpharisaicaloldsnob，You’rewussalmostthant’otherone!
　　"Itakesmypipe—Itakesmypot，AnddrunkI’mneverseentobe：
　　I’mnoteetotallerorsot，AndasIamImeantobe!"
　　Ballad：THESTORYOFPRINCEAGIB。
　　STRIKEtheconcertina’smelancholystring!
　　Blowthespirit—stirringharplikeanything!
　　Letthepiano’smartialblastRousetheEchoesofthePast，ForofAGIB，PRINCEOFTARTARY，Ising!
　　OfAGIB，who，amidTartaricscenes，Wrotealotofballetmusicinhisteens：
　　HisgentlespiritrollsInthemelodyofsouls—
　　Whichispretty，butIdon’tknowwhatitmeans。
　　OfAGIB，whocouldreadily，atsight，StrumamarchupontheloudTheodolite。
　　HewoulddiligentlyplayOntheZoetropeallday，AndblowthegayPantechniconallnight。
　　Onewinter—Iamshakyinmydates—
　　CametwostarvingTartarminstrelstohisgates；
　　Oh，ALLAHbeobeyed，Howinfernallytheyplayed!
　　Irememberthattheycalledthemselvesthe"O乤its。"
　　Oh!thatdayofsorrow，misery，andrage，IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge，PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind，Whenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspage!
　　Alas!PRINCEAGIBwentandaskedthemin；
　　Gavethembeer，andeggs，andsweets，andscent，andtin。
　　Andwhen（assnobswouldsay）
　　Theyhad"putitallaway，"
　　Herequestedthemtotuneupandbegin。
　　Thoughitsicyhorrorchillyoutothecore，IwilltellyouwhatInevertoldbefore，—
　　TheconsequencestrueOfthatawfulinterview，FORILISTENEDATTHEKEYHOLEINTHEDOOR!
　　Theyplayedhimasonata—letmesee!
　　"MEDULLAOBLONGATA"—keyofG。
　　ThentheybegantosingThatextremelylovelything，SCHERZANDO!MANONTROPPO，PPP。"
　　Hegavethemmoney，morethantheycouldcount，Scentfromamostingeniouslittlefount，Morebeer，inlittlekegs，Manydozenhard—boiledeggs，Andgoodiestoafabulousamount。
　　Nowfollowsthedimhorrorofmytale，AndIfeelI’mgrowinggraduallypale，For，evenatthisday，Thoughitsstinghaspassedaway，WhenIventuretorememberit，Iquail!
　　Theelderofthebrothersgaveasqueal，All—overishitmademefortofeel；
　　"Oh，PRINCE，"hesays，sayshe，"IFAPRINCEINDEEDYOUBE，I’veamysteryI’mgoingtoreveal!
　　"Oh，listen，ifyou’dshunahorriddeath，Towhatthegentwho’sspeakingtoyousaith：
　　No’O乤its’intrutharewe，Asyoufancythatwebe，For（ter—remble!）IamALECK—thisisBETH!"
　　SaidAGIB，"Oh!accursedofyourkind，Ihaveheardthatyearemenofevilmind!"
　　BETHgaveadreadfulshriek—
　　Butbeforehe’dtimetospeakIwasmercilesslycollaredfrombehind。
　　Innumbertenortwelve，orevenmore，Theyfastenedmefulllengthuponthefloor。
　　Onmyfaceextendedflat，IwaswallopedwithacatForlisteningatthekeyholeofadoor。
　　Oh!thehorrorofthatagonizingthrill!
　　（Icanfeeltheplaceinfrostyweatherstill）。
　　ForaweekfromtentofourIwasfastenedtothefloor，WhileamercenarywoppedmewithawillTheybrandedmeandbrokemeonawheel，Andtheyleftmeinanhospitaltoheal；
　　And，uponmysolemnword，IhaveneverneverheardWhatthoseTartarshaddeterminedtoreveal。
　　Butthatdayofsorrow，misery，andrage，IshallcarrytotheCatacombsofAge，PhotographicallylinedOnthetabletofmymind，WhenayesterdayhasfadedfromitspageBallad：ELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN
　　Wasthesonofanelderlylabouringman；
　　You’veguessedhimaScotchman，shrewdreader，atsight，Andp’r’apsaltogether，shrewdreader，you’reright。
　　FromthebonnieblueForthtothelovelyDeeside，RoundbyDingwallandWrathtothemouthoftheClyde，Therewasn’tachildorawomanormanWhocouldpipewithCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN。
　　Noothercouldwakesuchdetestablegroans，Withreedandwithchaunter—withbagandwithdrones：
　　AlldayandillnighthedelightedthechielsWithsniggeringpibrochsandjiggetyreels。
　　He’dclamberamountainandsquatontheground，AndtheneighbouringmaidenswouldgatheraroundTolisttothepipesandtogazeinhiseen，EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　AlllovedtheirMcCLAN，saveaSassenachbrute，WhocametotheHighlandstofishandtoshoot；
　　HedressedhimselfupinaHighlanderway，Tho’hisnameitwasPATTISONCORBYTORBAY。
　　TORBAYhadincurredagooddealofexpenseTomakehimaScotchmanineverysense；
　　Butthisisamatter，you’llreadilyown，Thatisn’taquestionoftailorsalone。
　　ASassenachchiefmaybebonilybuilt，Hemaypurchaseasporran，abonnet，andkilt；
　　Stickaske刵inhishose—wearanacreofstripes—
　　Buthecannotassumeanaffectionforpipes。
　　CLONGLOCKETY’SpipingsallnightandalldayQuitefrenziedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY；
　　Thegirlswereamusedathissingularspleen，EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN，"MACPHAIRSONCLONGLOCKETTYANGUS，mylad，Withpibrochsandreelsyouaredrivingmemad。
　　Ifyoureallymustplayonthatcursedaffair，Mygoodness!playsomethingresemblinganair。"
　　BoiledoverthebloodofMACPHAIRSONMcCLAN—
　　TheClanofClonglockettyroseasoneman；
　　Forallwereenragedattheinsult，Iween—
　　EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　"Let’sshow，"saidMcCLAN，"tothisSassenachloonThatthebagpipesCANplayhimaregulartune。
　　Let’ssee，"saidMcCLAN，ashethoughtfullysat，"’INMYCOTTAGE’iseasy—I’llpractiseatthat。"
　　Heblewathis"Cottage，"andblewwithawill，Forayear，sevenmonths，andafortnight，until（You’llhardlybelieveit）McCLAN，Ideclare，Elicitedsomethingresemblinganair。
　　Itwaswild—itwasfitful—aswildasthebreeze—
　　Itwanderedaboutintoseveralkeys；
　　Itwasjerky，spasmodic，andharsh，I’maware；
　　Butstillitdistinctlysuggestedanair。
　　TheSassenachscreamed，andtheSassenachdanced；
　　Heshriekedinhisagony—bellowedandpranced；
　　Andthemaidenswhogatheredrejoicedatthescene—
　　EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　"Hechgather，hechgather，hechgatheraround；
　　Andfilla’yelugswi’theexquisitesound。
　　Anairfra’thebagpipes—beatthatifyecan!
　　HurrahforCLONGLOCKETTYANGUSMcCLAN!"
　　Thefameofhispipingspreadovertheland：
　　Respectablewidowsproposedforhishand，Andmaidenscameflockingtositonthegreen—
　　EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　OnemorningthefidgetySassenachsworeHe’dstanditnolonger—hedrewhisclaymore，And（thiswas，Ithink，inextremelybadtaste）
　　DividedCLONGLOCKETTYclosetothewaist。
　　Oh!loudwerethewailingsforANGUSMcCLAN，Oh!deepwasthegriefforthatexcellentman；
　　Themaidsstoodaghastatthehorriblescene—
　　EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　ItsorrowedpoorPATTISONCORBYTORBAY
　　Tofindthem"takeon"inthisseriousway；
　　Hepitiedthepoorlittleflutteringbirds，Andsolacedtheirsoulswiththefollowingwords：
　　"Oh，maidens，"saidPATTISON，touchinghishat，"Don’tblubber，mydears，forafellowlikethat；
　　Observe，I’maverysuperiorman，AmuchbetterfellowthanANGUSMcCLAN。"
　　Theysmiledwhenhewinkedandaddressedthemas"dears，"
　　Andtheyallofthemvowed，astheydrieduptheirtears，Apleasantergentlemanneverwasseen—
　　EspeciallyELLENMcJONESABERDEEN。
　　Ballad：PETERTHEWAG。
　　POLICEMANPETERFORTHIdragFromhisobscureretreat：
　　Hewasamerrygenialwag，Wholovedamadconceit。
　　Ifhewereaskedthetimeofday，Bycountrybumpkinsgreen，Henotunfrequentlywouldsay，"Aquarterpastthirteen。"
　　IfeveryoubywordofmouthInquiredofMISTERFORTH
　　ThewaytosomewhereintheSouth，HealwayssentyouNorth。
　　WithlittleboyshisbeatalongHelovedtostopandplay；
　　Helovedtosendoldladieswrong，Andteachtheirfeettostray。
　　Hewouldinfrolicmoments，whenSuchmischiefbentupon，TakeBishopsupasbettingmen—
　　BidMinistersmoveon。
　　ThenalltheworthyboysheknewHeregularlylicked，AndalwayscollaredpeoplewhoHadhadtheirpocketspicked。
　　Hewasnotnaturallybad，Orviciouslyinclined，ButfromhisearlyyouthhehadAwaggishturnofmind。
　　TheMenofLondongrimlyscowledWithindignationwild；
　　TheMenofLondongrufflygrowled，ButPETERcalmlysmiled。
　　AgainstthisminionoftheCrownTheswellingmurmursgrew—
　　FromCamberwelltoKentishTown—
　　FromRotherhithetoKew。
　　Stillhumouredhehiswagsometurn，AndfedinvariouswaysThecowardragethatdaredtoburn，Butdidnotdaretoblaze。
　　Still，Retributionhasherday，Althoughherflightisslow：
　　ONEDAYTHATCRUSHERLOSTHISWAY
　　NEARPOLANDSTREET，SOHO。
　　Thehaughtyboy，tooproudtoask，Tofindhiswayresolved，AndinthetangleofhistaskGotmoreandmoreinvolved。
　　TheMenofLondon，overjoyed，Cametheretojeertheirfoe，AndflockingcrowdscompletelycloyedThemazesofSoho。
　　ThenewsontelegraphicwiresSpedswiftlyo’erthelea，ExcursiontrainsfromdistantshiresBroughtmyriadstosee。
　　Forweekshetrodhisself—madebeatsThroughNewport—Gerrard—Bear—
　　Greek—Rupert—Frith—Dean—Poland—Streets，AndintoGoldenSquare。
　　Butall，alas!invain，forwhenHetriedtolearnthewayOflittleboysorgrown—upmen，Theynoneofthemwouldsay。
　　Theireyeswouldflash—theirteethwouldgrind—
　　Theirlipswouldtightlycurl—
　　They’dsay，"Thywaythyselfmustfind，Thoumisdirectingchurl!"
　　And，similarly，also，whenHetriedaforeignfriend；
　　Italiansanswered，"ILBALEN"—
　　TheFrench，"Nocomprehend。"
　　TheRusswouldsaywithgleamingeye"Sevastopol!"andgroan。
　　TheGreeksaid，[GREEKTEXTWHICHCANNOT
　　BEREPRODUCED]。"
　　TowanderthusformanyayearThatCrusherneverceased—
　　TheMenofLondondroppedatear，TheirangerwasappeasedAtlengthexploringgangsweresentTofindpoorFORTH’Sremains—
　　AhandsomegrantbyParliamentWasvotedfortheirpains。
　　ToseekthepoorpolicemanoutBoldspiritsvolunteered，Andwhentheysworethey’dsolvethedoubt，TheMenofLondoncheered。
　　Andinayard，dark，dank，anddrear，Theyfoundhim，onthefloor—
　　ItleadsfromRichmondBuildings—nearTheRoyaltystage—door。
　　WithbrandycoldandbrandyhotTheypliedhim，starvedandwet，Andmadehimsergeantonthespot—
　　TheMenofLondon’spet!
　　Ballad：TOTHETERRESTRIALGLOBE。BYAMISERABLEWRETCH。
　　ROLLon，thouball，rollon!
　　ThroughpathlessrealmsofSpaceRollon!
　　WhatthoughI’minasorrycase？
　　WhatthoughIcannotmeetmybills？
　　WhatthoughIsuffertoothache’sills？
　　WhatthoughIswallowcountlesspills？
　　NeverYOUmind!
　　Rollon!
　　Rollon，thouball，rollon!
　　ThroughseasofinkyairRollon!
　　It’strueI’vegotnoshirtstowear；
　　It’struemybutcher’sbillisdue；
　　It’struemyprospectsalllookblue—
　　Butdon’tletthatunsettleyou!
　　NeverYOUmind!
　　Rollon!
　　[ITROLLSON。
　　Ballad：GENTLEALICEBROWN。
　　ITwasarobber’sdaughter，andhernamewasALICEBROWN，HerfatherwastheterrorofasmallItaliantown；
　　Hermotherwasafoolish，weak，butamiableoldthing；
　　Butitisn’tofherparentsthatI’mgoingfortosing。
　　AsALICEwasa—sittingatherwindow—silloneday，Abeautifulyounggentlemanhechancedtopassthatway；
　　Shecasthereyesuponhim，andhelookedsogoodandtrue，Thatshethought，"Icouldbehappywithagentlemanlikeyou!"
　　Andeverymorningpassedherhousethatcreamofgentlemen，Sheknewshemightexpecthimataquarteruntoten；
　　AsorterintheCustom—house，itwashisdailyroad（TheCustom—housewasfifteenminutes’walkfromherabode）。
　　ButALICEwasapiousgirl，whoknewitwasn’twiseTolookatstrangeyoungsorterswithexpressivepurpleeyes；
　　Soshesoughtthevillagepriesttowhomherfamilyconfessed，Thepriestbywhomtheirlittlesinswerecarefullyassessed。
　　"Oh，holyfather，"ALICEsaid，"’twouldgrieveyou，woulditnot，TodiscoverthatIwasamostdisreputablelot？
　　OfallunhappysinnersI’mthemostunhappyone!"
　　Thepadresaid，"Whateverhaveyoubeenandgoneanddone？"
　　"Ihavehelpedmammatostealalittlekiddyfromitsdad，I’veassisteddearpapaincuttingupalittlelad，I’veplannedalittleburglaryandforgedalittlecheque，Andslainalittlebabyforthecoralonitsneck!"
　　Theworthypastorheavedasigh，anddroppedasilenttear，Andsaid，"Youmustn’tjudgeyourselftooheavily，mydear：
　　It’swrongtomurderbabies，littlecoralsfortofleece；
　　Butsinsliketheseoneexpiatesathalf—a—crownapiece。
　　"Girlswillbegirls—you’reveryyoung，andflightyinyourmind；
　　Oldheadsuponyoungshoulderswemustnotexpecttofind：
　　Wemustn’tbetoohardupontheselittlegirlishtricks—
　　Let’ssee—fivecrimesathalf—a—crown—exactlytwelve—and—six。"
　　"Oh，father，"littleAlicecried，"yourkindnessmakesmeweep，Youdotheselittlethingsformesosingularlycheap—
　　YourthoughtfulliberalityInevercanforget；
　　But，oh!thereisanothercrimeIhaven’tmentionedyet!
　　"Apleasant—lookinggentleman，withprettypurpleeyes，I’venoticedatmywindow，asI’vesata—catchingflies；
　　Hepassesbyiteverydayascertainascanbe—
　　IblushtosayI’vewinkedathim，andhehaswinkedatme!"
　　"Forshame!"saidFATHERPAUL，"myerringdaughter!OnmywordThisisthemostdistressingnewsthatIhaveeverheard。
　　Why，naughtygirl，yourexcellentpapahaspledgedyourhandToapromisingyoungrobber，thelieutenantofhisband!
　　"Thisdreadfulpieceofnewswillpainyourworthyparentsso!
　　TheyarethemostremunerativecustomersIknow；
　　Formanymanyyearsthey’vekeptstarvationfrommydoors：
　　Ineverknewsocriminalafamilyasyours!
　　"ThecommoncountryfolkinthisinsipidneighbourhoodHavenothingtoconfess，they’resoridiculouslygood；
　　Andifyoumarryanyonerespectableatall，Why，you’llreform，andwhatwillthenbecomeofFATHERPAUL？"
　　Theworthypriest，heupanddrewhiscowluponhiscrown，AndstartedoffinhastetotellthenewstoROBBERBROWN—
　　Totellhimhowhisdaughter，whowasnowformarriagefit，Hadwinkeduponasorter，whoreciprocatedit。
　　GoodROBBERBROWNhemuffleduphisangerprettywell：
　　Hesaid，"Ihaveanotion，andthatnotionIwilltell；
　　Iwillnabthisgayyoungsorter，terrifyhimintofits，Andgetmygentlewifetochophimintolittlebits。
　　"I’vestudiedhumannature，andIknowathingortwo：
　　Thoughagirlmayfondlylovealivinggent，asmanydo—
　　AfeelingofdisgustuponhersensestherewillfallWhenshelooksuponhisbodychoppedparticularlysmall。"
　　Hetracedthatgallantsortertoastillsuburbansquare；
　　Hewatchedhisopportunity，andseizedhimunaware；
　　Hetookalife—preserverandhehithimonthehead，AndMRS。BROWNdissectedhimbeforeshewenttobed。
　　AndprettylittleALICEgrewmoresettledinhermind，Shenevermorewasguiltyofaweaknessofthekind，UntilatlengthgoodROBBERBROWNbestowedherprettyhandOnthepromisingyoungrobber，thelieutenantofhisband。
　　Ballad：MISTERWILLIAM。
　　OH，listentothetaleofMISTERWILLIAM，ifyouplease，Whomnaughty，naughtyjudgessentawaybeyondtheseas。
　　Heforgedaparty’swill，whichcausedanxietyandstrife，Resultinginhisgettingpenalservitudeforlife。
　　Hewasakindlygoodlyman，andnaturallyprone，Insteadoftakingothers’gold，togiveawayhisown。
　　ButhehadheardofVice，andlongedforonlyoncetostrike—
　　ToplanONElittlewickedness—toseewhatitwaslike。
　　Hearguedwithhimself，andsaid，"AspotlessmanamI；
　　Ican’tbemorerespectable，howeverhardItry!
　　ForsixandthirtyyearsI’vealwaysbeenasgoodasgold，AndnowforhalfanhourI’llplaninfamyuntold!
　　"Ababywhoiswickedattheearlyageofone，Andthenreforms—anddiesatthirty—sixaspotlessson，Isnever，neversaddledwithhisbabyhood’sdefect，Butearnsfromworthymenconsiderationandrespect。
　　"SoonewhoneverrevelledindiscreditabletricksUntilhereachedthecomfortableageofthirty—six，Maythenforhalfanhourperpetrateadeedofshame，Withoutincurringpermanentdisgrace，orevenblame。
　　"Thatbabiesdon’tcommitsuchcrimesasforgeryistrue，Butlittlesinsdevelop，ifyouleave’emtoaccrue；
　　Andhewhoshunsallvicesassuccessiveseasonsroll，Shouldreapatlengththebenefitofsomuchself—control。
　　"Thecommonsinofbabyhood—objectingtobedrest—
　　Ifyouleaveittoaccumulateatcompoundinterest，Foranythingyouknow，mayrepresent，ifyou’realive，Aburglaryormurderattheageofthirty—five。
　　"Still，Iwouldn’ttakeadvantageofthisfact，butbecontentWithsomepardonablefolly—it’samereexperiment。
　　Thegreaterthetemptationtogowrong，thelessthesin；
　　Sowithsomethingthat’sparticularlytemptingI’llbegin。
　　"Iwouldnotstealapenny，formyincome’sveryfair—
　　Idonotwantapenny—Ihavepenniesandtospare—
　　AndifIstoleapennyfromamoney—bagortill，Thesinwouldbeenormous—thetemptationbeingNIL。
　　"ButifIbrokeasunderallsuchpettifoggingbounds，Andforgedaparty’sWillfor（say）FiveHundredThousandPounds，Withsuchanirresistibletemptationtoahaul，Ofcoursethesinmustbeinfinitesimallysmall。
　　"There’sWILSONwhoisdying—hehaswealthfromStockandrent—
　　IfIdiverthisrichesfromtheirnaturaldescent，I’mplacedinapositiontoindulgeeachlittlewhim。"
　　Sohedivertedthem—andthey，inturn，divertedhim。
　　Unfortunately，though，bysomeunpardonableflaw，Temptationisn’trecognizedbyBritain’sCommonLaw；
　　Menfoundhimoutbysomepeculiarityoftouch，AndWILLIAMgota"lifer，"whichannoyedhimverymuch。
　　For，ah!heneverreconciledhimselftolifeingaol，Hefrettedandhepined，andgrewdispiritedandpale；
　　Hewasnumberedlikeacabman，too，whichtolduponhimsoThathisspirits，oncesobuoyant，grewuncomfortablylow。
　　Andsympatheticgaolerswouldremark，"It’sverytrue，Heain’tbeenbroughtupcommon，likethelikesofmeandyou。"
　　Sotheytookhimintohospital，andgavehimmuttonchops，Andchocolate，andarrowroot，andbuns，andmaltandhops。
　　KindClergymen，besides，grewinterestedinhisfate，Affectedbythedetailsofhispitiablestate。
　　TheywaitedontheSecretary，somewhereinWhitehall，Whosaidhewouldreceivethemanydaytheylikedtocall。
　　"Consider，sir，thehardshipofthisinterestingcase：
　　Aprisonlifebringswithitsomethingverylikedisgrace；
　　It’stellingonyoungWILLIAM，who’sreducedtoskinandbone—
　　Rememberhe’sagentleman，withmoneyofhisown。
　　"Hehadanampleincome，andofcoursehestandsinneedOfsherrywithhisdinner，andhiscustomaryweed；
　　Nodelicaciesnowcanpasshisgentlemanlylips—
　　Hemisseshissea—bathingandhiscontinentaltrips。
　　"Hesaystheotherprisonersarecommonplaceandrude；
　　Hesayshecannotrelishuncongenialprisonfood。
　　WhenquiteaboytheytaughthimtodistinguishGoodfromBad，Andothereducationaladvantageshe’shad。
　　"Aburglarorgarotter，or，indeed，acommonthiefIsverygladtobattenonpotatoesandonbeef，Oranything，inshort，thatprisonkitchenscanafford，—
　　Acutabovethedietinacommonworkhouseward。
　　"Butbeefandmutton—brothdon’tseemtosuitourWILLIAM’Swhim，Aboontootherprisoners—apunishmenttohim。
　　ItneverwasintendedthatthedisciplineofgaolShoulddashaconvict’sspirits，sir，ormakehimthinorpale。"
　　"GoodGraciousMe!"thatsympatheticSecretarycried，"SupposeinprisonfettersMISTERWILLIAMshouldhavedied!
　　Dearme，ofcourse!ImprisonmentforLIFEhissentencesaith：
　　I’mverygladyoumentionedit—itmighthavebeenForDeath!
　　"Releasehimwithaticket—he’llbebetterthen，nodoubt，AndtellhimIapologize。"SoMISTERWILLIAM’Sout。
　　Ihopehewillbecarefulinhismanuscripts，I’msure，Andnotbeginexperimentalizinganymore。
　　Ballad：THEBUMBOATWOMAN’SSTORY。
　　I’Mold，mydears，andshrivelledwithage，andwork，andgrief，Myeyesaregone，andmyteethhavebeendrawnbyTime，theThief!
　　ForterriblesightsI’veseen，anddangersgreatI’verun—
　　I’mnearlyseventynow，andmyworkisalmostdone!
　　Ah!I’vebeenyounginmytime，andI’veplayedthedeucewithmen!
　　I’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen：
　　Mycheeksweremellowandsoft，andmyeyeswerelargeandsweet，POLLPINEAPPLE’SeyeswerethestandingtoastoftheRoyalFleet!
　　AbumboatwomanwasI，andIfaithfullyservedtheshipsWithapplesandcakes，andfowls，andbeer，andhalfpennydips，Andbeefforthegenerousmess，wheretheofficersdineatnights，Andfinefreshpeppermintdropsfortherollickingmidshipmites。
　　OfallthekindcommanderswhoanchoredinPortsmouthBay，ByfarthesweetestofallwaskindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。’
　　LIEUTENANTBELAYEcommandedthegunboatHOTCROSSBUN，Shewassevenandthirtyfeetinlength，andshecarriedagun。
　　Withalaudableviewofenhancinghiscountry’snavalpride，Whenpeopleinquiredhersize，LIEUTENANTBELAYEreplied，"Oh，myship，myshipisthefirstoftheHundredandSeventy—
　　ones!"
　　Whichmeanthertonnage，butpeopleimagineditmeantherguns。
　　WheneverIwentonboardhewouldbeckonmedownbelow，"Comedown，LittleButtercup，come"（forhelovedtocallmeso），Andhe’dtellofthefightsatseainwhichhe’dtakenapart，AndsoLIEUTENANTBELAYEwonpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Sheart!
　　Butatlengthhisorderscame，andhesaidoneday，saidhe，"I’morderedtosailwiththeHOTCROSSBUNtotheGermanSea。"
　　AndthePortsmouthmaidensweptwhentheylearnttheevilday，ForeveryPortsmouthmaidlovedgoodLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
　　AndIwenttoabackbackstreet，withplentyofcheapcheapshops，AndIboughtanoilskinhatandasecond—handsuitofslops，AndIwenttoLIEUTENANTBELAYE（andheneversuspectedME!）
　　AndIenteredmyselfasachapaswantedtogotosea。
　　Wesailedthatafternoonatthemystichourofone，—
　　RemarkablyniceyoungmenwerethecrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，I’msorrytosaythatI’veheardthatsailorssometimesswear，ButIneveryetheardaBUNsayanythingwrong，Ideclare。
　　WhenJackTarsmeet，theymeetwitha"Messmate，ho!Whatcheer？"
　　Buthere，ontheHOTCROSSBUN，itwas"Howdoyoudo，mydear？"
　　WhenJackTarsgrowl，IbelievetheygrowlwithabigbigD—
　　ButthestrongestoathoftheHOTCROSSBUNSwasamild"Dearme!"
　　Yet，thoughtheywereallwell—bred，youcouldscarcelycallthemslick：
　　Wheneveraseawason，theywereallextremelysick；
　　Andwhenevertheweatherwascalm，andthewindwaslightandfair，Theyspentmoretimethanasailorshouldonhisbackbackhair。
　　Theycertainlyshiveredandshookwhenorderedalofttorun，AndtheyscreamedwhenLIEUTENANTBELAYEdischargedhisonlygun。
　　Andashewasproudofhisgun—suchprideishardlywrong—
　　TheLieutenantwasblazingawayatintervalsalldaylong。
　　Theyallagreedverywell，thoughattimesyouhearditsaidThatBILLhadawayofhisownofmakinghislipslookred—
　　ThatJOElookedquitehisage—orsomebodymightdeclareThatBARNACLE’Slongpig—tailwasneverhisownownhair。
　　BELAYEwouldadmitthathismenwereofnogreatusetohim，"But，then，"hewouldsay，"thereislittletodoonagunboattrimIcanhand，andreef，andsteer，andfiremybigguntoo—
　　AnditISsuchatreattosailwithagentlewell—bredcrew。"
　　Isawhimeveryday。Howthehappymomentssped!
　　Reeftopsails!Makealltaut!There’sdirtyweatherahead!
　　（IdonotmeanthattempeststhreatenedtheHOTCROSSBUN：
　　InTHATcase，Idon’tknowwhateverweSHOULDhavedone!）
　　Afterafortnight’scruise，weputintoportoneday，AndoffonleaveforaweekwentkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE，Andafteralonglongweekhadpassed（anditseemedlikealife），LIEUTENANTBELAYEreturnedtohisshipwithafairyoungwife!
　　Heup，andhesays，sayshe，"OcrewoftheHOTCROSSBUN，Hereisthewifeofmyheart，fortheChurchhasmadeusone!"
　　Andasheutteredtheword，thecrewwentoutoftheirwits，Andallfelldowninsomanyseparatefainting—fits。
　　Andthentheirhaircamedown，oroff，asthecasemightbe，Andlo!therestofthecrewweresimplegirls，likeme，Whoallhadfledfromtheirhomesinasailor’sbluearray，TofollowtheshiftingfateofkindLIEUTENANTBELAYE。
　　********
　　It’sstrangetothinkthatIshouldeverhavelovedyoungmen，ButI’mspeakingoftenyearspast—Iwasbarelysixtythen，Andnowmycheeksarefurrowedwithgriefandage，Itrow!
　　AndpoorPOLLPINEAPPLE’Seyeshavelosttheirlustrenow!
　　Ballad：LOSTMR。BLAKE。
　　MR。BLAKEwasaregularout—and—outhardenedsinner，WhowasquiteoutofthepaleofChristianity，sotospeak，HewasinthehabitofsmokingalongpipeanddrinkingaglassofgrogonaSundayafterdinner，Andseldomthoughtofgoingtochurchmorethantwiceor—ifGoodFridayorChristmasDayhappenedtocomeinit—threetimesaweek。
　　HewasquiteindifferentastotheparticularkindsofdressesThattheclergymanworeatchurchwhereheusedtogotopray，Andwhateverhedidinthewayofrelievingachap’sdistresses，Healwaysdidinanasty，sneaking，underhanded，hole—and—cornersortofway。
　　Ihaveknownhimindulgeinprofane，ungentlemanlyemphatics，WhentheProtestantChurchhasbeendividedonthesubjectoftheproperwidthofachasuble’shem；
　　Ihaveevenknownhimtosneeratalbs—andasfordalmatics，Wordscan’tconveyanideaofthecontemptheexpressedforTHEM。
　　Hedidn’tbelieveinpersonswho，notbeingwelloffthemselves，areobligedtoconfinetheircharitableexertionstocollectingmoneyfromwealthierpeople，Andlookeduponindividualsoftheformerclassasecclesiasticalhawks；
　　Heusedtosaythathewouldnomorethinkofinterferingwithhispriest’srobesthanwithhischurchorhissteeple，Andthathedidnotconsiderhissoulimperilledbecausesomebodyoverwhomhehadnoinfluencewhatever，chosetodresshimselfuplikeanexaggeratedGUYFAWKES。
　　ThisshockingoldvagabondwassounutterablyshamelessThatheactuallywenta—courtingaveryrespectableandpiousmiddle—agedsister，bythenameofBIGGS。
　　Shewasaratherattractivewidow，whoselifeassuchhadalwaysbeenparticularlyblameless；
　　Herfirsthusbandhadleftherasecurebutmoderatecompetence，owingtosomefortunatespeculationsinthematteroffigs。
　　Shewasanexcellentpersonineveryway—andwontherespectevenofMRS。GRUNDY，Shewasagoodhousewife，too，andwouldn’thavewastedapennyifshehadownedtheKoh—i—noor。
　　ShewasjustasstrictashewaslaxinherobservanceofSunday，Andbeingagoodeconomist，andcharitablebesides，shetookallthebonesandcoldpotatoesandbrokenpie—crustsandcandle—ends（whenshehadquitedonewiththem），andmadethemintoanexcellentsoupforthedeservingpoor。
　　IamsorrytosaythatsherathertooktoBLAKE—thatoutcastofsociety，Andwhenrespectablebrotherswhowerefondofherbegantolookdubiousandtocough，Shewouldsay，"Oh，myfriends，it’sbecauseIhopetobringthispoorbenightedsoulbacktovirtueandpropriety，Andbesides，thepoorbenightedsoul，withallhisfaults，wasuncommonlywelloff。
　　AndwhenMR。BLAKE’Sdissipatedfriendscalledhisattentiontothefrownorthepoutofher，Wheneverhedidanythingwhichappearedtohertosavourofanunmentionableplace，Hewouldsaythat"shewouldbeaverydecentoldgirlwhenallthatnonsensewasknockedoutofher，"
　　Andhismethodofknockingitoutofherisonethatcoveredhimwithdisgrace。
　　ShewasfondofgoingtochurchservicesfourtimeseverySunday，and，fourorfivetimesintheweek，andneverseemedtopallofthem，Sohehuntedoutallthechurcheswithinaconvenientdistancethathadservicesatdifferenthours，sotospeak；
　　Andwhenhehadmarriedherhepositivelyinsistedupontheirgoingtoallofthem，SotheycontrivedtodoabouttwelvechurcheseverySunday，and，iftheyhadluck，fromtwenty—twototwenty—threeinthecourseoftheweek。
　　Shewasfondofdroppinghissovereignsostentatiouslyintotheplate，andshelikedtoseethemstandoutratherconspicuouslyagainstthecommonplacehalf—crownsandshillings，Sohetookhertoallthecharitysermons，andifbyanyextraordinarychancetherewasn’tacharitysermonanywhere，hewoulddropacoupleofsovereigns（oneforhimandoneforher）
　　intothepoor—boxatthedoor；
　　Andashealwaysdeductedthesumsthusgivenincharityfromthehousekeepingmoney，andthemoneyheallowedherforherbonnetsandfrillings，Shesoonbegantofindthatevencharity，ifyouallowittointerferewithyourpersonalluxuries，becomesanintolerablebore。
　　OnSundaysshewasalwaysmelancholyandanythingbutgoodsociety，Forthatdayinherhouseholdwasadayofsighingsandsobbingsandwringingofhandsandshakingofheads：
　　Shewouldn’thearofabuttonbeingsewnonaglove，becauseitwasaworkneitherofnecessitynorofpiety，Andstrictlyprohibitedherservantsfromamusingthemselves，orindeeddoinganythingatallexceptdustingthedrawing—rooms，cleaningthebootsandshoes，cookingtheparlourdinner，waitinggenerallyonthefamily，andmakingthebeds。
　　ButBLAKEevenwentfurtherthanthat，andsaidthatpeopleshoulddotheirownworksofnecessity，andnotdelegatethemtopersonsinamenialsituation，Sohewouldn’tallowhisservantstodosomuchasevenanswerabell。
　　Hereheismakinghiswifecarryupthewaterforherbathtothesecondfloor，muchagainstherinclination，—
　　AndwhyintheworldthegentlemanwhoillustratestheseballadshasputhiminacockedhatismorethanIcantell。
　　Afteraboutthreemonthsofthissortofthing，takingthesmoothwiththeroughofit，（Blackingherownbootsandpeelingherownpotatoeswasnothernotionofconnubialbliss），MRS。BLAKEbegantofindthatshehadprettynearlyhadenoughofit，Andcame，incourseoftime，tothinkthatBLAKE’Sownoriginallineofconductwasn’tsomuchamiss。
　　Andnowthatwickedperson—thatdetestablesinner（"BELIALBLAKE"
　　hisfriendsandwell—wisherscallhimforhisatrocities），Andhispoordeludedvictim，whomallherChristianbrothersdislikeandpityso，GototheparishchurchonlyonSundaymorningandafternoonandoccasionallyonaweek—day，andspendtheireveningsinconnubialfondlingsandaffectionatereciprocities，AndIshouldliketoknowwhereintheworld（orrather，outofit）
　　theyexpecttogo!
　　Ballad：THEBABY’SVENGEANCE。
　　WEARYatheartandextremelyillWasPALEYVOLLAIREofBromptonville，Inadirtylodging，withfeverdown，ClosetothePolygon，SomersTown。
　　PALEYVOLLAIREwasanonlyson（Forwhy？Hismotherhadhadbutone），AndPALEYinheritedgoldandgroundsWorthseveralhundredthousandpounds。
　　Buthe，likemanyarichyoungman，Throughthismagnificentfortuneran，AndnothingwasleftforhisdailyneedsButduplicatecopiesofmortgage—deeds。
　　Shabbyandsorryandsorelysick，Heslept，anddreamtthattheclock’s"tick，tick，"
　　WasoneoftheFates，withalongsharpknife，Snickingoffbitsofhisshortenedlife。
　　Hewokeandcountedthepipsonthewalls，Theoutdoorpassengers’loudfootfalls，Andreckonedallover，andreckonedagain，Thelittlewhitetuftsonhiscounterpane。
　　Amedicalmantohisbedsidecame。
　　（Ican’trememberthatdoctor’sname），Andsaid，"You’lldieinaveryshortwhileIfyoudon’tsetsailforMadeira’sisle。"
　　"GotoMadeira？goodnessme!
　　Ihaven’tthemoneytopayyourfee!"
　　"Then，PALEYVOLLAIRE，"saidtheleech，"goodbye；
　　I’llcomenomore，foryour’resuretodie。"
　　Hesighedandhegroanedandsmotehisbreast；
　　"Oh，send，"saidhe，"forFREDERICKWEST，Eresensesfadeormyeyesgrowdim：
　　I’veaterribletaletowhisperhim!"
　　PoorwasFREDERICK’Slotinlife，—
　　Adustmanhewithafairyoungwife，Aworthymanwithahard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypounds—ormore。
　　FREDERICKcame，andhesaid，"MaybeYou’llsaywhatyouhappenedtowantwithme？"
　　"Wrongedboy，"saidPALEYVOLLAIRE，"Iwill，Butdon’tyoufidgetyourself—sitstill。"
　　THETERRIBLETALE。
　　"’Tisnowsomethirty—sevenyearsagoSincefirstbegantheplotthatI’mrevealing，Afineyoungwoman，whomyououghttoknow，LivedwithherhusbanddowninDrumLane，Ealing。
　　Herselfbymeansofmanglingreimbursing，Andnowandthen（atintervals）wet—nursing。
　　"Twolittlebabesdweltintheirhumblecot：
　　Onewasherown—theotheronlylenttoher：
　　HEROWNSHESLIGHTED。TemptedbyalotOfgoldandsilverregularlysenttoher，SheministereduntothelittleotherInthecapacityoffoster—mother。
　　"IWASHEROWN。Oh!howIlayandsobbedInmypoorcradle—deeply，deeplycursingTherichman’spamperedbantling，whohadrobbedMyonlybirthright—anattentivenursing!
　　Sometimesinhatredofmyfoster—brother，Ignashedmygums—whichterrifiedmymother。
　　"Oneday—itwasquiteearlyintheweek—
　　IINMYCRADLEHAVINGPLACEDTHEBANTLING—
　　Creptintohis!Hehadnotlearnttospeak，ButIcouldseehisfacewithangermantling。
　　Itwasimprudent—well，disgracefulmaybe，For，oh!Iwasabad，blackheartedbaby!
　　"Sogreataluxurywasfood，IthinkNowickednessbutIwasgametotryforit。
　　NOWifIwantedanythingtodrinkAtanytime，Ionlyhadtocryforit!
　　ONCE，ifIdaredtoweep，thebottlelacking，Myblubberinginvolvedaserioussmacking!
　　"Wegrewupintheusualway—myfriend，Myfoster—brother，dailygrowingthinner，WhilegraduallyIbegantomend，Andthrivedamazinglyondoubledinner。
　　Andeveryone，besidesmyfoster—mother，Believedthateitherofuswastheother。
　　"IcameintoHISwealth—IboreHISname，Ibearitstill—HISpropertyIsquandered—
　　Imortgagedeverything—andnow（oh，shame!）
　　IntoaSomersTownshake—downI’vewandered!
　　IamnoPALEY—no，VOLLAIRE—it’strue，myboy!
　　TheonlyrightfulPALEYV。isYOU，myboy!
　　"AndallIhaveisyours—andyoursismine。
　　Istillmayplaceyouinyourtrueposition：
　　Givemethepoundsyou’vesaved，andI’llresignMynoblename，myrank，andmycondition。
　　SofarmywickednessinfalselyowningYourvastywealth，Iamatlastatoning!"
　　*******
　　FREDERICKhewasasimplesoul，Hepulledfromhispocketabulkyroll，AndgavetoPALEYhishard—earnedstore，Ahundredandseventypoundsormore。
　　PALEYVOLLAIRE，withmanyagroan，GaveFREDERICKallthathecalledhisown，—
　　Twoshirtsandasock，andavestofjean，AWellingtonbootandabamboocane。
　　AndFRED（entitledtoallthingsthere）
　　HetookthefeverfromMR。VOLLAIRE，WhichkilledpoorFREDERICKWEST。MeanwhileVOLLAIREsailedofftoMadeira’sisle。
　　Ballad：THECAPTAINANDTHEMERMAIDS。
　　ISINGalegendofthesea，Sohard—a—portuponyourlee!
　　Ashiponstarboardtack!
　　She’sbounduponaprivatecruise—
　　（ThisisthekindofspiceIuseTogiveasalt—seasmack）。
　　Behold，oneveryafternoon（SaveinagaleorstrongMonsoon）
　　GreatCAPTAINCAPELCLEGGS
　　（Greatmorally，thoughrathershort）
　　Satatanopenweather—portAndairedhisshapelylegs。
　　AndMermaidshungaroundinflocks，Oncablechainsanddistantrocks，Togazeuponthoselimbs；
　　Forlegslikethose，offleshandbone，Arethings"notgenerallyknown"
　　ToanyMermanTIMBS。
　　ButMermendidn’tseemtocareMuchtime（asfarasI’maware）
　　WithCLEGGS’Slegstospend；
　　ThoughMermaidsswamaroundalldayAndgazed，exclaiming，"THAT’SthewayAgentlemanshouldend!
　　"Apairoflegswithwell—cutknees，AndcalvesandanklessuchastheseWhichweinrapturehail，Arefarmoreeloquent，it’sclear（Whenclothedinsilkandkerseymere），Thananynastytail。"
　　AndCLEGGS—aworthykindoldboy—
　　Rejoicedtoaddtoothers’joy，And，whenthedaywasdry，Becauseitpleasedthelookers—on，Hesatfrommorntillnight—thoughcon—
　　Stitutionallyshy。
　　AtfirsttheMermenlaughed，"Pooh!pooh!"
　　Butfinallytheyjealousgrew，Andsoundedloudrecalls；
　　Butvainly。SothesefishymalesDeclaredtheytoowouldclothetheirtailsInsilkenhoseandsmalls。
　　Theysettowork，thesewater—men，Andmadetheirnetherrobes—butwhenTheydrewwithdaintytouchThekerseymereupontheirtails，Theyfounditscrapedagainsttheirscales，Andhurtthemverymuch。
　　Thesilk，besides，withwhichtheychoseTodecktheirtailsbywayofhose（Theyneverthoughtofshoon），Forsuchausewasmuchtoothin，—
　　Ittoreagainstthecaudalfin，And"wentinladders"soon。
　　Sotheydesignedanotherplan：
　　TheysenttheirmostseductivemanThisnotetohimtoshow—
　　"OurMonarchsendstoCAPTAINCLEGGS
　　Hishumblecompliments，andbegsHe’lljoinhimdownbelow；
　　"We’vepleasanthomesbelowthesea—
　　Besides，ifCAPTAINCLEGGSshouldbe（Asouradvicessay）
　　AjudgeofMermaids，hewillfindOurlady—fishofeverykindInspectionwillrepay。"
　　GoodCAPELsentakindreply，ForCAPELthoughthecoulddescryAnadmirableplanTostudyalltheirwaysandlaws—
　　（Butnottheirlady—fish，becauseHewasamarriedman）。
　　TheMermansank—theCaptaintooJumpedoverboard，anddroppedfromviewLikestonefromcatapult；
　　AndwhenhereachedtheMerman’slair，Hecertainlywaswelcomedthere，But，ah!withwhatresult？
　　Theydidn’tlethimlearntheirlaw，Ormakeanoteofwhathesaw，Orinterestingmem。：
　　Thelady—fishhecouldn’tfind，Butthat，ofcourse，hedidn’tmind—
　　Hedidn’tcomeforthem。
　　Forthough，whenCAPTAINCAPELsank，TheMermendrawnindoublerankGavehimaheartyhail，YetwhensecureofCAPTAINCLEGGS，Theycutoffbothhislovelylegs，AndgavehimSUCHatail!
　　WhenCAPTAINCLEGGSreturnedaboard，Hisblithesomecrewconvulsiveroar’d，Toseehimalteredso。
　　TheAdmiraltydidinsistThatheupontheHalf—payListImmediatelyshouldgo。
　　Invaindeclaredthepooroldsalt，"It’smymisfortune—notmyfault，"
　　Withtearandtremblinglip—
　　InvainpoorCAPELbeggedandbegged。
　　"AmanmustbecompletelyleggedWhorulesaBritishship。"
　　SospakethesternFirstLordaloud—
　　Hewasawag，thoughveryproud，Andmuchrejoicedtosay，"You’reonlyhalfacaptainnow—
　　Andso，myworthyfriend，IvowYou’llonlygethalf—pay!"
　　Ballad：ANNIEPROTHEROE。ALEGENDOFSTRATFORD—LE—BOW。
　　OH!listentothetaleoflittleANNIEPROTHEROE。
　　Shekeptasmallpost—officeintheneighbourhoodofBOW；
　　Shelovedaskilledmechanic，whowasfamousinhisday—
　　AgentleexecutionerwhosenamewasGILBERTCLAY。
　　IthinkIhearyousay，"Adreadfulsubjectforyourrhymes!"
　　Oreader，donotshrink—hedidn’tliveinmoderntimes!
　　Helivedsolongago（thesketchwillshowitataglance）
　　Thatallhisactionsglitterwiththelime—lightofRomance。
　　Inbusytimeshelabouredathisgentlecraftallday—
　　"NodoubtyoumeanhisCal—craft，"youamusinglywillsay—
　　But，no—hedidn’toperatewithcommonbitsofstring，HewasaPublicHeadsman，whichisquiteanotherthing。
　　Andwhenhisworkwasover，theywouldrambleo’erthelea，Andsitbeneaththefrondageofanelderberrytree，AndANNIE’Ssimpleprattleentertainedhimonhiswalk，Forpublicexecutionsformedthesubjectofhertalk。
　　Andsometimeshe’dexplaintoher，whichcharmedherverymuch，Howfamousoperatorsvaryverymuchintouch，Andthen，perhaps，he’dshowhowhehimselfperformedthetrick，Andillustratehismeaningwithapoppyandastick。
　　Or，ifitrained，thelittlemaidwouldstopathome，andlookAthisfavourablenotices，allpastedinabook，Andthenhercheekwouldflush—herswimmingeyeswoulddancewithjoyInaglowofadmirationattheprowessofherboy。
　　Onesummereve，atsupper—time，thegentleGILBERTsaid（AshehelpedhisprettyANNIEtoasliceofcollaredhead），"ThisremindsmeImustsettleonthenextensuingdayThehashofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY。"
　　HesawhisANNIEtrembleandhesawhisANNIEstart，Herchangingcolourtrumpetedtheflutteratherheart；
　　YoungGILBERT’Smanlybosomroseandsankwithjealousfear，Andhesaid，"OgentleANNIE，what’sthemeaningofthishere？"
　　AndANNIEanswered，blushinginaninterestingway，"Youthink，nodoubt，I’msighingforthatfelonPETERGRAY：
　　ThatIwashisyoungwomanisunquestionablytrue，ButnotsinceIbegana—keepingcompanywithyou。"
　　ThenGILBERT，whowasirritable，roseandloudlysworeHe’dknowthereasonwhyifsherefusedtotellhimmore；
　　Andsheanswered（allthewomaninherflashingfromhereyes）
　　"Youmustn’tasknoquestions，andyouwon’tbetoldnolies!
　　"Fewlovershavetheprivilegeenjoyed，mydear，byyou，Ofchoppingoffarival’sheadandquarteringhimtoo!
　　Ofvengeance，dear，to—morrowyouwillsurelytakeyourfill!"
　　AndGILBERTgroundhismolarsasheansweredher，"Iwill!"
　　YoungGILBERTrosefromtablewithasterndeterminedlook，And，frowning，tookaninexpensivehatchetfromitshook；
　　AndANNIEwatchedhismovementswithaninterestedair—
　　Forthemorrow—forthemorrowhewasgoingtoprepare!
　　Hechippeditwithahammerandhechoppeditwithabill，Hepouredsulphuricacidontheedgeofit，untilThisterribleAvengeroftheMajestyofLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
　　AndANNIEsaid，"OGILBERT，dear，IdonotunderstandWhyeveryouareinjuringthathatchetinyourhand？’
　　Hesaid，"ItisintendedfortolacerateandflayTheneckofthatunmitigatedvillainPETERGRAY!"
　　"Now，GILBERT，"ANNIEanswered，"wickedheadsman，justbeware—
　　Iwon’thavePETERtorturedwiththathorribleaffair；
　　Ifyouappearwiththat，youmaydependyou’llruetheday。"
　　ButGILBERTsaid，"Oh，shallI？"whichwasjusthisnastyway。
　　Hesawalookofangerfromhereyesdistinctlydart，ForANNIEwasawoman，andhadpityinherheart!
　　Shewishedhimagoodevening—heansweredwithaglare；
　　Sheonlysaid，"Remember，foryourANNIEwillbethere!"
　　********
　　ThemorrowGILBERTboldlyonthescaffoldtookhisstand，Withavizoronhisfaceandwithahatchetinhishand，AndallthepeoplenoticedthattheEngineoftheLawWasfarlesslikeahatchetthanadissipatedsaw。
　　Thefelonverycoollyloosedhiscollarandhisstock，Andplacedhiswickedheaduponthehandylittleblock。
　　ThehatchetwasupliftedfortosettlePETERGRAY，WhenGILBERTplainlyheardawoman’svoiceexclaiming，"Stay!"
　　’TwasANNIE，gentleANNIE，asyou’lleasilybelieve。
　　"OGILBERT，youmustsparehim，forIbringhimareprieve，ItcamefromourHomeSecretarymanyweeksago，Andpassedthroughthatpost—officewhichIusedtokeepatBow。
　　"Ilovedyou，lovedyoumadly，andyouknowit，GILBERTCLAY，AndasI’dquitesurrenderedallideaofPETERGRAY，Iquietlysuppressedit，asyou’llclearlyunderstand，ForIthoughtitmightbeawkwardifhecameandclaimedmyhand。
　　"Inangeratmysecret（whichIcouldnottellbefore），TolaceratepoorPETERGRAYvindictivelyyouswore；
　　Itoldyouifyouusedthatbluntedaxeyou’druetheday，Andsoyouwill，youngGILBERT，forI’llmarryPETERGRAY!"
　　[ANDSOSHEDID。
　　Ballad：ANUNFORTUNATELIKENESS。
　　I’VEpaintedSHAKESPEAREallmylife—
　　"Aninfant"（eventhenat"play"!）
　　"Aboy，"withstage—ambitionrife，Then"MarriedtoANNHATHAWAY。"
　　"Thebard’sfirstticketnight"（or"ben。"），His"Firstappearanceonthestage，"
　　His"Callbeforethecurtain"—then"Rejoicingswhenhecameofage。"
　　Thebardplay—writinginhisroom，Thebardahumblelawyer’sclerk。
　　Thebardalawyer（3）—parson（4）—groom（5）—
　　Thebarddeer—stealing，afterdark。
　　Thebardatradesman（6）—andaJew（7）—
　　Thebardabotanist（8）—abeak（9）—
　　Thebardaskilledmusician（10）too—
　　Asheriff（11）andasurgeon（12）eke!
　　Yetcriticssay（afriendlystock）
　　That，thoughit’sevidentItry，YetevenIcanbarelymockTheglimmerofhiswondrouseye!
　　OnemorningasaworkIframed，Therepassedaperson，walkinghard：
　　"Mygraciousgoodness，"Iexclaimed，"Howverylikemydearoldbard!
　　"Oh，whatamodelhewouldmake!"
　　Irushedoutside—impulsiveme!—
　　"ForgivethelibertyItake，Butyou’resovery"—"Stop!"saidhe。
　　"Youneedn’twasteyourbreathortime，—
　　Iknowwhatyouaregoingtosay，—
　　Thatyou’reanartist，andthatI’mRemarkablylikeSHAKESPEARE。Eh？
　　"YouwishthatIwouldsittoyou？"
　　Iclaspedhimmadlyroundthewaist，Andbreathlesslyreplied，"Ido!"
　　"Allright，"saidhe，"butpleasemakehaste。"
　　Iledhimbyhishallowedsleeve，Andworkedawayathimapace，Ipaintedhimtilldewyeve，—
　　Thereneverwasanoblerface!
　　"Oh，sir，"Isaid，"afortunegrandIsyours，bydintofmerestchance，—
　　TosportHISbrowatsecond—hand，TowearHIScast—offcountenance!
　　"TorubHISeyeswhene’ertheyache—
　　TowearHISbaldnessereyou’reold—
　　TocleanHISteethwhenyouawake—
　　ToblowHISnosewhenyou’veacold!"
　　Hiseyeballsglistenedinhiseyes—
　　Isatandwatchedandsmokedmypipe；
　　"Bravo!"Isaid，"IrecognizeThephrensyofyourprototype!"
　　Hisscantyhairhewildlytore：
　　"That’sright，"saidI，"itshowsyourbreed。"
　　Hedanced—hestamped—hewildlyswore—
　　"Blessme，that’sveryfineindeed!"
　　"Sir，"saidthegrandShakesperianboy（Continuingtoblazeaway），"Youthinkmyfaceasourceofjoy；
　　Thatshowsyouknownotwhatyousay。
　　"Forgivetheseyellsandcellar—flaps：
　　I’malwaysthrowninsomesuchstateWhenonhisfacewell—meaningchapsThiswretchedmancongratulate。
　　"For，oh!thisface—thispointedchin—
　　Thisnose—thisbrow—theseeyeballstoo，HavealwaysbeentheoriginOfallthewoesIeverknew!
　　"IftotheplaymywayIfind，ToseeagrandShakesperianpiece，Ihavenorest，noeaseofmindUntiltheauthor’spuppetscease。
　　"Mennudgeeachother—thus—andsay，’ThiscertainlyisSHAKESPEARE’Sson，’
　　Andmerrywags（ofcourseinplay）
　　Cry’Author!’whenthepieceisdone。
　　"Inchurchthepeoplestareatme，Theirsoulthesermonneverbinds；
　　Icatchthemlookingroundtosee，AndthoughtsofSHAKESPEAREfilltheirminds。
　　"Andsculptors，fraughtwithcunningwile，WhofinditdifficulttocrownAbustwithBROWN’Sinsipidsmile，OrTOMKINS’Sunmanneredfrown，"Yetboldlymakemyfacetheirown，When（oh，presumption!）theyrequireToanimateapaving—stoneWithSHAKESPEARE’Sintellectualfire。
　　"Atpartieswhereyoungladiesgaze，AndIattempttospeakmyjoy，’Hush，pray，’somelovelycreaturesays，’Thefondillusiondon’tdestroy!’
　　"Whene’erIspeak，mysouliswrungWiththeseorsomesuchwhisperings：
　　’’TispitythataSHAKESPEARE’StongueShouldsaysuchun—Shakesperianthings!’
　　"IshouldnotthusbecriticisedHadIafaceofcommonwont：
　　Don’tenvyme—now，beadvised!"
　　And，nowIthinkofit，Idon’t!
　　Ballad：THEKINGOFCANOODLE—DUM。
　　THEstoryofFREDERICKGOWLER，Amarinerofthesea，Whoquittedhisship，theHOWLER，A—sailinginCaribbee。
　　Formanyadayhewandered，TillhemetinastateofrumCALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，TheKingofCanoodle—Dum。
　　Thatmonarchaddressedhimgaily，"Hum!Gollydedoto—day？
　　Hum!Lily—whiteBuckraSailee"—
　　（Younoticehisplayfulway？）—
　　"Whatdickensyoudoin’here，sar？
　　Whydebbilyouwanttocome？
　　Hum!Picaninnee，dereisn’tnoseaInCityCanoodle—Dum!"
　　AndGOWLERheansweredsadly，"Oh，mineisadolefultale!
　　They’vetreatedmewerrybadlyInLunnon，fromwhereIhail。
　　I’moneoftheFamilyRoyal—
　　NocommonJackTaryousee；
　　I’mWILLIAMTHEFOURTH，farupintheNorth，AKinginmyowncountree!"
　　Bang—bang!Howthetom—tomsthundered!
　　Bang—bang!Howtheythumpedthisgongs!
　　Bang—bang!Howthepeoplewondered!
　　Bang—bang!Atithammerandtongs!
　　AlliancewithKingsofEuropeIsanhonourCanoodlersseek，Hermonarchsdon’tstopwithPEPPERMINTDROP
　　Everydayintheweek!
　　FREDtoldthemthathewasundone，Forhispeopleallwentinsane，AndfiredtheTowerofLondon，AndGrinnidge’sNavalFane。
　　AndsomeofthemrackedSt。James’s，AndventedtheirrageuponTheChurchofSt。Paul，theFishmongers’Hall，AndtheAngelatIslington。
　　CALAMITYPOPimploredhimInhiscapitaltoremainTillthosepeopleofhisrestoredhimTopowerandrankagain。
　　CALAMITYPOPhemadehimAPrinceofCanoodle—Dum，Withacoupleofcaves，somebeautifulslaves，Andtherunoftheroyalrum。
　　Popgavehimhisonlydaughter，HUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP：
　　FREDvowedthatifoverthewaterHewent，inanEnglishship，He’dmakeherhisQueen，—thoughtrulyItisanunusualthingForaCaribbeebratwho’sasblackasyourhatTobewifeofanEnglishKing。
　　AndalltheCanoodle—DummersTheycopiedhisrollingwalk，Hismethodofdrainingrummers，Hisemblematicaltalk。
　　Forhisdressandhisgracefulbreeding，Hisdelicatetasteinrum，Andhisnauticalway，werethetalkofthedayIntheCourtofCanoodle—Dum。
　　CALAMITYPOPmostwiselyDeterminedineverythingTomodelhisCourtpreciselyOnthatoftheEnglishKing；
　　AndorderedthateveryladyAndeverylady’slordShouldmasticatejacky（akindoftobaccy），Andscatteritsjuiceabroad。
　　TheysignifiedwonderroundlyAtanyastoundingyarn，Bydarningtheirdeareyesroundly（’Twasalltheyhadtodarn）。
　　They"hoistedtheirslacks，"adjustingGarmentsofplantain—leavesWithnauticaltwitches（asiftheyworebreeches，InsteadofadresslikeEVE’S!）
　　Theyshiveredtheirtimbersproudly，Ataphantomforelockdragged，AndcalledforahornpipeloudlyWheneveramusementflagged。
　　"Hum!Golly!himPOPresemble，HimBritishersov’reign，hum!
　　CALAMITYPOPVONPEPPERMINTDROP，DeKingofCanoodle—Dum!"
　　Themariner’slively"Hollo!"
　　EnlivenedCanoodle’splain（ForblessingsunnumberedfollowInCivilization’strain）。
　　ButFortune，wholovesabathos，Aterribleendingplanned，ForADMIRALD。CHICKABIDDY，C。B。，PlacedfootonCanoodleland!
　　Thatrebel，heseizedKINGGOWLER，Hethreatenedhisroyalbrains，AndputhimaboardtheHOWLER，Andfastenedhimdownwithchains。
　　TheHOWLERsheweighedheranchor，WithFREDERICKnicelynailed，AndofftotheNorthwithWILLIAMTHEFOURTH
　　Thesehorriblepiratessailed。
　　CALAMITYsaid（withfolly），"Hum!nebberwanthimagain—
　　Himcivilizeallofus，golly!
　　CALAMITYsuckhimbrain!"
　　Thepeople，however，werepainedwhenTheysawhimaboardhisship，ButnoneofthemweptfortheirFREDDY，exceptHUMPICKETYWIMPLETIP。
　　Ballad：THEMARTINET。
　　SOMEtimeago，insimpleverseIsangthestorytrueOfCAPTAINREECE，theMANTELPIECE，Andallherhappycrew。
　　IshowedhowanycaptainmayAttachhismentohim，Ifhebutheedstheirsmallestneeds，Andstudieseverywhim。
　　Nowmarkhow，byDraconicruleAndHAUTEURill—advised，ThenoblestcrewupontheBlueMaybedemoralized。
　　WhenhisungratefulcountryplacedKindREECEuponhalf—pay，WithoutmuchclaimSIRBERKELYcame，Andtookcommandoneday。
　　SIRBERKELYwasamartinet—
　　Asternunyieldingsoul—
　　WhoruledhisshipbydintofwhipAndhorribleblack—hole。
　　AsailorwhowasovercomeFromhavingfreelydined，Andchancedtoreelwhenatthewheel，Heinstantlyconfined!
　　Andtarswho，whenanactionraged，Appearedalarmedorscared，Andthosebelowwhowishedtogo，Heveryseldomspared。
　　E’enhewhosmotehisofficerForpunishmentwasbooked，AndmutiniesupontheseasHerarelyoverlooked。
　　Inshort，thehappyMANTELPIECE，Whereallhadgonesowell，BeneaththatfoolSIRBERKELY’SruleBecameafloatinghell。
　　WhenfirstSIRBERKELYcameaboardHereadaspeechtoall，Andtoldthemhowhe’dmadeavowToactonduty’scall。
　　ThenWILLIAMLEE，heupandsaid（TheCaptain’scoxswainhe），"We’veheardthespeechyourhonour’smade，Andwerrypleasedwebe。
　　"Wewon’tpretend，mylad，ashowWe’regladtoloseourREECE；
　　Urbane，polite，hesuitedquiteThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
　　"ButifyourhonourgivesyourmindTostudyallourways，Withdanceandsongwe’lljogalongAsinthosehappydays。
　　"Ilikeyourhonour’slooks，andfeelYou’reworthyofyoursword。
　　Yourhand，mylad—I’mdoosidgladTowelcomeyouaboard!"
　　SIRBERKELYlookedamazed，asthoughHedidn’tunderstand。
　　"Don’tshakeyourhead，"goodWILLIAMsaid，"Itisanhonesthand。
　　"It’sgraspedabetterhandthanyourn—
　　Come，gov’nor，Iinsist!"
　　TheCaptainstared—thecoxswainglared—
　　Thehandbecameafist!
　　"Down，upstart!"saidthehardysalt；
　　ButBERKELYdodgedhisaim，Andmadehimgoinchainsbelow：
　　Theseamenmurmured"Shame!"
　　Hestoppedallsongsat12p。m。，Stoppedhornpipeswhenatsea，Andsworehiscot（orbunk）shouldnotBeusedbyaughtthanhe。
　　Heneverjoinedtheirdailymess，Noraskedthemtohisown，ButchaffedingayandsocialwayTheofficersalone。
　　HisFirstLieutenant，PETER，wasAsuselessascouldbe，Ahelplessstick，andalwayssickWhentherewasanysea。
　　ThisFirstLieutenantprovedtobeHisfoster—sisterMAY，WhowenttoseaforloveofheInmasculinearray。
　　Andwhenhelearntthecuriousfact，Didheemotionshow，OrdryhertearsorendherfearsBymarryingher？No!
　　OrdidheeventrytosootheThismaideninherteens？
　　Oh，no!—insteadhemadeherwedTheSergeantofMarines!
　　OfcoursesuchSpartandisciplineWouldmakeanangelfret；
　　Theydrewalot，andWILLIAMshotThisfearfulmartinet。
　　TheAdmiraltysawhowillThey’dtreatedCAPTAINREECE；
　　HewasrestoredoncemoreaboardThesaucyMANTELPIECE。
　　Ballad：THESAILORBOYTOHISLASS。
　　IGOawaythisblessedday，Tosailacrossthesea，MATILDA!
　　MyvesselstartsforvariouspartsAttwentyafterthree，MATILDA。
　　Ihardlyknowwherewemaygo，Orifit’snearorfar，MATILDA，ForCAPTAINHYDEdoesnotconfideInany’fore—masttar，MATILDA!
　　BeneathmybanthatmysticmanShallsuffer，COUTEQUICOUTE，MATILDA!
　　WhatrighthashetokeepfrommeTheAdmiraltyroute，MATILDA？
　　Because，forsooth!IamayouthOfcommonsailors’lot，MATILDA!
　　AmIamanonhumanplanDesigned，oramInot，MATILDA？
　　Butthere，mylass，we’llletthatpass!
　　WithanxiousloveIburn，MATILDA。
　　IwanttoknowifweshallgoTochurchwhenIreturn，MATILDA？
　　Youreyesarered，youbowyourhead；
　　It’sprettyclearyouthirst，MATILDA，Tonametheday—What’sthatyousay？
　　—"You’llseemefurtherfirst，"MATILDA？
　　Ican’tmistakethesignsyoumake，Althoughyoubarelyspeak，MATILDA；
　　Thoughpureandyoung，youthrustyourtongueRightinyourprettycheek，MATILDA!
　　Mydear，IfearIhearyousneer—
　　Ido—I’msureIdo，MATILDA!
　　Withsimplegraceyoumakeaface，Ejaculating，"Ugh!"MATILDA。
　　Oh，pausetothinkbeforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA!
　　Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA!
　　RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA!
　　AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
　　Doyouforget，myblithesomepet，Howoncewithjealousrage，MATILDA，IwatchedyouwalkandgailytalkWithsomeonethriceyourage，MATILDA？
　　Yousquattedfreeuponhisknee，Asightthatmademesad，MATILDA!
　　Youpinchedhischeekwithfriendlytweak，Whichalmostdrovememad，MATILDA!
　　Iknewhimnot，buthopedtospotSomemanyouthoughttowed，MATILDA!
　　Itookagun，mydarlingone，Andshothimthroughthehead，MATILDA!
　　I’mmadeofstuffthat’sroughandgruffEnough，Iown；but，ah，MATILDA!
　　ItDIDannoyyoursailorboyTofinditwasyourpa，MATILDA!
　　I’vepassedalifeoftoilandstrife，Anddisappointmentsdeep，MATILDA；
　　I’velainawakewithdentalacheUntilIfellasleep，MATILDA!
　　AttimesagainI’vemissedatrain，Orp’rhapsrunshortoftin，MATILDA，Andwornabootoncornsthatshoot，Or，shaving，cutmychin，MATILDA。
　　But，oh!notrains—nodentalpains—
　　BelievemewhenIsay，MATILDA，Nocornsthatshoot—nopinchingbootUponasummerday，MATILDA—
　　It’smybelief，couldcausesuchgriefAsthatI’vesufferedfor，MATILDA，MyhavingshotinvitalspotYouroldprogenitor，MATILDA。
　　BethinkyouhowI’vekeptthevowImadeonewinterday，MATILDA—
　　That，comewhatcould，IneverwouldRemaintoolongaway，MATILDA。
　　And，oh!thecrimeswithwhich，attimes，I’vechargedmygentlemind，MATILDA，TokeepthevowImade—andnowYoutreatmesounkind，MATILDA!
　　Forwhenatsea，offCaribbee，Ifeltmypassionburn，MATILDA，Bypassionegged，IwentandbeggedThecaptaintoreturn，MATILDA。
　　Andwhen，mypet，Icouldn’tgetThatcaptaintoagree，MATILDA，RightthroughasortofopenportIpitchedhiminthesea，MATILDA!
　　Remember，too，howallthecrewWithindignationblind，MATILDA，Distinctlysworetheyne’erbeforeHadthoughtmesounkind，MATILDA。
　　Andhowthey’dshunmeonebyone—
　　Anunforgivinggroup，MATILDA—
　　IstoppedtheirhowlsandsulkyscowlsBypizeningtheirsoup，MATILDA!
　　Sopausetothink，beforeyoudrinkThedregsofLethe’scup，MATILDA；
　　Remember，do，whatI’vegonethrough，Beforeyougivemeup，MATILDA。
　　RecallagainthementalpainOfwhatI’vehadtodo，MATILDA，AndbeassuredthatI’veenduredIt，allalongofyou，MATILDA!
　　Ballad：THEREVERENDSIMONMAGUS。
　　ARICHadvowson，highlyprized，Forprivatesalewasadvertised；
　　Andmanyaparsonmadeabid；
　　TheREVERENDSIMONMAGUSdid。
　　Hesoughttheagent’s："Agent，I
　　Havecomepreparedatoncetobuy（Ifyourdemandisnottoobig）
　　TheCureofOtium—cum—Digge。"
　　"Ah!"saidtheagent，"THERE’Saberth—
　　Thesnuggestvicarageonearth；
　　Nosortofduty（soIhear），Andfifteenhundredpoundsayear!
　　"Ifonthepriceweshouldagree，Thelivingsoonwillvacantbe；
　　Thegoodincumbent’sninetyfive，Andcannotverylongsurvive。
　　See—here’shisphotograph—yousee，He’sinhisdotage。""Ah，dearme!
　　Poorsoul!"saidSIMON。"HisdeceaseWouldbeamercifulrelease!"
　　Theagentlaughed—theagentblinked—
　　Theagentblewhisnoseandwinked—
　　Andpokedtheparson’sribsinplay—
　　Itwasthatagent’svulgarway。
　　TheREVERENDSIMONfrowned："IgrieveThislightdemeanourtoperceive；
　　It’sscarcelyCOMMEILFAUT，Ithink：
　　Now—prayobligeme—donotwink。
　　"Don’tdigmywaistcoatintoholes—
　　YourmissionistosellthesoulsOfhumansheepandhumankidsTothatdivinewhohighestbids。
　　"Dowellinthis，andonyourheadUnnumberedhonourswillbeshed。"
　　Theagentsaid，"Well，truthtotell，IHAVEbeendoingverywell。"
　　"Youshould，"saidSIMON，"atyourage；
　　Butnowabouttheparsonage。
　　Howmanyroomsdoesitcontain？
　　Showmethephotographagain。
　　"Apoorapostle’shumblehouseMustnotbetooluxurious；
　　Nostatelyhallswithoakenfloor—
　　Itshouldbedecentandnomore。
　　"Nobilliard—rooms—nostatelytrees—
　　Nocroquet—groundsorpineries。"
　　"Ah!"sighedtheagent，"verytrue：
　　Thispropertywon’tdoforyou。"
　　"Alltheseaboutthehouseyou’llfind。"—
　　"Well，"saidtheparson，"nevermind；
　　I’llmanagetosubmittotheseLuxurioussuperfluities。
　　"AclergymanwhodoesnotshirkThevariouscallsofChristianwork，WillhavenoleisuretoemployThese’commonforms’ofworldlyjoy。
　　"TopreachthreetimesonSabbathdays—
　　Toweanthelostfromwickedways—
　　Thesicktosoothe—thesanetowed—
　　Thepoortofeedwithmeatandbread；
　　"ThesearethevariouswholesomewaysInwhichI’llspendmynightsanddays：
　　MyzealwillhavenotimetocoolAtcroquet，archery，orpool。"
　　Theagentsaid，"FromwhatIhear，Thislivingwillnotsuit，Ifear—
　　Therearenopoor，nosickatall；
　　Forservicesthereisnocall。"
　　Thereverendgentlookedgrave，"Dearme!
　　ThenthereisNO’society’？—
　　Imean，ofcourse，nosinnersthereWhosesoulswillbemyspecialcare？"
　　Thecunningagentshookhishead，"No，none—except"—（theagentsaid）—
　　"TheDUKEOFA。，theEARLOFB。，TheMARQUISC。，andVISCOUNTD。
　　"Butyouwillnotbequitealone，Forthoughthey’vechaplainsoftheirown，Ofcoursethisnoblewell—bredclanReceivetheparishclergyman。"
　　"Oh，silence，sir!"saidSIMONM。，"Dukes—Earls!WhatshouldIcareforthem？
　　TheseworldlyranksIscornandflout!"
　　"Ofcourse，"theagentsaid，"nodoubt!"
　　"YetImightshowthesemenofbirthThehollownessofrankonearth。"
　　Theagentanswered，"Verytrue—
　　ButIshouldnot，ifIwereyou。"
　　"Whosellsthisrichadvowson，pray？"
　　Theagentwinked—itwashisway—
　　"HisnameisHART；’twixtmeandyou，Heis，I’mgrievedtosay，aJew!"
　　"AJew？"saidSIMON，"happyfind!
　　Ipurchasethisadvowson，mind。
　　MylifeshallbedevotedtoConvertingthatunhappyJew!"
　　Ballad：MYDREAM。
　　THEothernight，fromcaresexempt，Islept—andwhatd’youthinkIdreamt？
　　IdreamtthatsomehowIhadcomeTodwellinTopsy—Turveydom—
　　Whereviceisvirtue—virtue，vice：
　　Whereniceisnasty—nasty，nice：
　　Whererightiswrongandwrongisright—
　　Wherewhiteisblackandblackiswhite。
　　Wherebabies，muchtotheirsurprise，Arebornastonishinglywise；
　　WitheveryScienceontheirlips，AndArtatalltheirfinger—tips。
　　For，astheirnursesdandlethemTheycrowbinomialtheorem，Withviews（itseemsabsurdtous）
　　Ondifferentialcalculus。
　　Butthoughababe，asIhavesaid，Isbornwithlearninginhishead，Hemustforgetit，ifhecan，Beforehecallshimselfaman。
　　Forthatwhichwecallfollyhere，Iswisdominthatfavouredsphere；
　　ThewisdomwesohighlyprizeIsblatantfollyintheireyes。
　　Aboy，ifhewouldpushhisway，Mustlearnsomenonsenseeveryday；
　　Andcut，tocarryoutthisview，Hiswisdomteethandwisdomtoo。
　　Historiansburntheirmidnightoils，Intentongiant—killers’toils；
　　AndsagesclosetheiragedeyesToothersages’lullabies。
　　Ourmagistrates，indutybound，Commitallrobberswhoarefound；
　　ButtheretheBeaks（sopeoplesaid）
　　Commitallrobberiesinstead。
　　OurJudges，pureandwiseintone，Knowcrimefromtheoryalone，AndgleanthemotivesofathiefFrombooksandpopularbelief。
　　Butthere，aJudgewhowantstoprimeHismindwithtrueideasofcrime，DerivesthemfromthecommonsenseOfpracticalexperience。
　　PolicemenmarchallfolksawayWhopractisevirtueeveryday—
　　Ofcourse，Imeantosay，youknow，Whatwecallvirtueherebelow。
　　ForonlyscoundrelsdaretodoWhatweconsiderjustandtrue，Andonlygoodmendo，infact，Whatweshouldthinkadirtyact。
　　Butstrangestofthesesocialtwirls，Thegirlsareboys—theboysaregirls!
　　Themenarewomen，too—butthen，PERCONTRA，womenallaremen。
　　ToonewhototraditionclingsThisseemsanawkwardstateofthings，Butiftothinkitoutyoutry，Itdoesn’treallysignify。
　　Withthem，assurelyascanbe，Asailorshouldbesickatsea，AndnotapassengermaysailWhocannotsmokerightthroughagale。
　　Asoldier（savebyrarestluck）
　　Isalwaysshotforshowingpluck（Thatis，ifotherscanbefoundWithpluckenoughtofirearound）。
　　"Howstrange!"IsaidtooneIsaw；
　　"Youquiteupsetoureverylaw。
　　HowevercanyougetalongSosystematicallywrong？"
　　"Dearme!"mymadinformantsaid，"Haveyounoeyeswithinyourhead？
　　Yousneerwhenyouyourhatshoulddoff：
　　Why，webeginwhereyouleaveoff!
　　"YourwisestmenareveryfarLesslearnedthanourbabiesare!"
　　Imusedawhile—andthen，ohme!
　　Iframedthisbrilliantrepartee：
　　"AlthoughyourbabesarewiserfarThanourmostvaluedsagesare，Yoursages，withtheirtoysandcots，Aredullerthanouridiots!"
　　Butthisremark，Igrievetostate，CamejustalittlebittoolateForasIframeditinmyhead，Iwokeandfoundmyselfinbed。
　　StillIcouldwishthat，’steadofhere，Mylotwereinthatfavouredsphere!—
　　WheregreatestfoolsbearoffthebellIoughttodoextremelywell。
　　Ballad：THEBISHOPOFRUM—TI—FOOAGAIN。
　　IOFTENwonderwhetheryouThinksometimesofthatBishop，whoFromblackbutbalmyRum—ti—FooLastsummertwelvemonthcame。
　　UntoyourmindIp’r’apsmaybringRemembranceofthemanIsingTo—day，bysimplymentioningThatPETERwashisname。
　　RememberhowthatholymanCamewiththegreatColonialclanToSynod，calledPan—Anglican；
　　AndkindlyrecollectHow，havingcrossedtheoceanwide，TopleasehisflockallmeanshetriedConsistentwithaproperprideAndmanlyself—respect。
　　Heonly，ofthereverendpackWhoministertoChristiansblack，BroughtanyusefulknowledgebackTohisColonialfold。
　　InconsequenceaplaceIclaimFor"PETER"onthescrollofFame（ForPETERwasthatBishop’sname，AsI’vealreadytold）。
　　HecarriedArt，heoftensaid，Toplaceswherethattimidmaid（SavebyColonialBishops’aid）
　　Couldneverhopetoroam。
　　ThePayne—cum—LaurifeathetaughtAshehadlearntit；forhethoughtThechoicestfruitsofProgressoughtToblesstheNegro’shome。
　　Andhehadotherworktodo，For，whilehetossedupontheBlue，TheislandersofRum—ti—FooForgottheirkindlyfriend。
　　Theirdecentclothestheylearnttotear—
　　Theylearnttosay，"Idonotcare，"
　　Thoughthey，ofcourse，werewellawareHowfolks，whosayso，end。
　　Somesailors，whomhedidnotknow，Hadlandedtherenotlongago，Andtaughtthem"Bother!"also，"Blow!"
　　（Ofwickednessthegerms）。
　　Noneedtouseacasuist’spenToprovethattheyweremerchantmen；
　　NosailoroftheRoyalN。
　　Wouldusesuchawfulterms。
　　Andso，whenBISHOPPETERcame（ThatwasthekindlyBishop’sname），Heheardthesedreadfuloathswithshame，Andchidtheirwantofdress。
　　（Exceptashell—abanglerare—
　　Afeatherhere—afeatherthereTheSouthPacificNegroeswearTheirnativenothingness。）
　　HetaughtthemthataBishoploathesTolistentodisgracefuloaths，Hegavethemallhisleft—offclothes—
　　Theybentthemtohiswill。