首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第36章

第36章

  `Andyouhavegivenupyourcathedralworkhere?’
  `Yes。Itwasrathersudden-yourmessagecomingunexpectedly。
  Strictly,Imighthavebeenmadetofinishouttheweek。ButIpleadedurgencyandIwasletoff。Iwouldhavedesertedanydayatyourcommand,dearSue。Ihavedesertedmorethanthatforyou!’
  `IfearIamdoingyoualotofharm。RuiningyourprospectsoftheChurch;ruiningyourprogressinyourtrade;everything!’
  `TheChurchisnomoretome。Letitlie!IamnottobeoneofThesoldier-saintswho,rowonrow,Burnupwardeachtohispointofbliss,ifanysuchtherebe!Mypointofblissisnotupward,buthere。’
  `OhIseemsobad-upsettingmen’scourseslikethis!’saidshe,takingupinhervoicetheemotionthathadbeguninhis。Butsherecoveredherequanimitybythetimetheyhadtravelledadozenmiles。
  `Hehasbeensogoodinlettingmego,’sheresumed。`Andhere’sanoteIfoundonmydressing-table,addressedtoyou。’
  `Yes。He’snotanunworthyfellow,’saidJude,glancingatthenote。`AndIamashamedofmyselfforhatinghimbecausehemarriedyou。’
  `Accordingtotheruleofwomen’swhimsIsupposeIoughttosuddenlylovehim,becausehehasletmegosogenerouslyandunexpectedly,’sheansweredsmiling。`ButIamsocold,ordevoidofgratitude,orsosomething,thateventhisgenerosityhasn’tmademelovehim,orrepent,orwanttostaywithhimashiswife;althoughIdofeelIlikehislarge-mindedness,andrespecthimmorethanever。’
  `Itmaynotworksowellforusasifhehadbeenlesskind,andyouhadrunawayagainsthiswill,’murmuredJude。
  `ThatIneverwouldhavedone。’
  Jude’seyesrestedmusinglyonherface。Thenhesuddenlykissedher;andwasgoingtokissheragain。`No-onlyoncenow-please,Jude!’
  `That’srathercruel,’heanswered;butacquiesced。`Suchastrangethinghashappenedtome,’Judecontinuedafterasilence。`Arabellahasactuallywrittentoaskmetogetadivorcefromher-inkindnesstoher,shesays。Shewantstohonestlyandlegallymarrythatmanshehasalreadymarriedvirtually;andbegsmetoenablehertodoit。’
  `Whathaveyoudone?’
  `Ihaveagreed。IthoughtatfirstIcouldn’tdoitwithoutgettingherintotroubleaboutthatsecondmarriage,andIdon’twanttoinjureherinanyway。Perhapsshe’snoworsethanIam,afterall!Butnobodyknowsaboutitoverhere,andIfinditwillnotbeadifficultproceedingatall。IfshewantstostartafreshIhaveonlytooobviousreasonsfornothinderingher。’
  `Thenyou’llbefree?’
  `Yes,Ishallbefree。’
  `Wherearewebookedfor?’sheasked,withthediscontinuitythatmarkedherto-night。
  `Aldbrickham,asIsaid。’
  `Butitwillbeverylatewhenwegetthere?’
  `Yes。Ithoughtofthat,andIwiredforaroomforusattheTemperanceHotelthere。’
  `One?’
  `Yes-one。’
  Shelookedathim。`OhJude!’Suebentherforeheadagainstthecornerofthecompartment。`Ithoughtyoumightdoit;andthatIwasdeceivingyou。ButIdidn’tmeanthat!’
  Inthepausewhichfollowed,Jude’seyesfixedthemselveswithastultifiedexpressionontheoppositeseat。`Well!’hesaid……`Well!’
  Heremainedinsilence;andseeinghowdiscomfitedhewassheputherfaceagainsthischeek,murmuring,`Don’tbevexed,dear!’
  `Oh-there’snoharmdone,’hesaid。`But-Iunderstooditlikethat……Isthisasuddenchangeofmind?’
  `Youhavenorighttoaskmesuchaquestion;andIshan’tanswer!’
  shesaid,smiling。
  `Mydearone,yourhappinessismoretomethananything-althoughweseemtovergeonquarrellingsooften!-andyourwillislawtome。
  Iamsomethingmorethanamere-selfishfellow,Ihope。Haveitasyouwish!’Onreflectionhisbrowshowedperplexity。`Butperhapsitisthatyoudon’tloveme-notthatyouhavebecomeconventional!Muchas,underyourteaching,Ihateconvention,Ihopeitisthat,nottheotherterriblealternative!’
  EvenatthisobviousmomentforcandourSuecouldnotbequitecandidastothestateofthatmystery,herheart。`Putitdowntomytimidity,’
  shesaidwithhurriedevasiveness;`toawoman’snaturaltimiditywhenthecrisiscomes。ImayfeelaswellasyouthatIhaveaperfectrighttolivewithyouasyouthought-fromthismoment。Imayholdtheopinionthat,inaproperstateofsociety,thefatherofawoman’schildwillbeasmuchaprivatematterofhersasthecutofherunderlinen,onwhomnobodywillhaveanyrighttoquestionher。Butpartly,perhaps,becauseitisbyhisgenerositythatIamnowfree,Iwouldrathernotbeotherthanalittlerigid。Iftherehadbeenarope-ladder,andhehadrunafteruswithpistols,itwouldhaveseemeddifferent,andImayhaveactedotherwise。
  Butdon’tpressmeandcriticizeme,Jude!AssumethatIhaven’tthecourageofmyopinions。IknowIamapoormiserablecreature。Mynatureisnotsopassionateasyours!’
  Herepeatedsimply!`Ithought-whatInaturallythought。Butifwearenotlovers,wearenot。Phillotsonthoughtso,Iamsure。See,hereiswhathehaswrittentome。’Heopenedthelettershehadbrought,andread:
  `Imakeonlyonecondition-thatyouaretenderandkindtoher。
  Iknowyouloveher。Butevenlovemaybecruelattimes。Youaremadeforeachother:itisobvious,palpable,toanyunbiasedolderperson。
  Youwereallalong`theshadowythird’inmyshortlifewithher。Irepeat,takecareofSue。’
  `He’sagoodfellow,isn’the!’shesaidwithlatenttears。Onreconsiderationsheadded,`Hewasveryresignedtolettingmego-tooresignedalmost!Ineverwassonearbeinginlovewithhimaswhenhemadesuchthoughtfularrangementsformybeingcomfortableonmyjourney,andofferingtoprovidemoney。YetIwasnot。IfIlovedhimeversolittleasawife,I’dgobacktohimevennow。’
  `Butyoudon’t,doyou?’
  `Itistrue-ohsoterriblytrue!-Idon’t。’
  `Normeneither,Ihalf-fear!’hesaidpettishly。`Noranybodyperhaps!Sue,sometimes,whenIamvexedwithyou,Ithinkyouareincapableofreallove。’
  `That’snotgoodandloyalofyou!’shesaid,anddrawingawayfromhimasfarasshecould,lookedseverelyoutintothedarkness。Sheaddedinhurttones,withoutturninground:`Mylikingforyouisnotassomewomen’sperhaps。Butitisadelightinbeingwithyou,ofasupremelydelicatekind,andIdon’twanttogofurtherandriskitby-anattempttointensifyit!Iquiterealizedthat,aswomanwithman,itwasarisktocome。But,asmewithyou,Iresolvedtotrustyoutosetmywishesaboveyourgratification。Don’tdiscussitfurther,dearJude!’
  `Ofcourse,ifitwouldmakeyoureproachyourself……butyoudolikemeverymuch,Sue?Sayyoudo!Saythatyoudoaquarter,atenth,asmuchasIdoyou,andI’llbecontent!’
  `I’veletyoukissme,andthattellsenough。’
  `Justonceorso!’
  `Well-don’tbeagreedyboy。’
  Heleantback,anddidnotlookatherforalongtime。Thatepisodeinherpasthistoryofwhichshehadtoldhim-ofthepoorChristminstergraduatewhomshehadhandledthus,returnedtoJude’smind;andhesawhimselfasapossiblesecondinsuchatorturingdestiny。
  `Thisisaqueerelopement!’hemurmured。`Perhapsyouaremakingacat’spawofmewithPhillotsonallthistime。Uponmyworditalmostseemsso-toseeyousittinguptheresoprim!’
  `Nowyoumustn’tbeangry-Iwon’tletyou!’shecoaxed,turningandmovingnearertohim。`Youdidkissmejustnow,youknow;andIdidn’tdislikeyouto,Iownit,Jude。OnlyIdon’twanttoletyoudoitagain,justyet-consideringhowwearecircumstanced,don’tyousee!’
  Hecouldneverresistherwhenshepleadedasshewellknew。
  Andtheysatsidebysidewithjoinedhands,tillshearousedherselfatsomethought。
  `Ican’tpossiblygotothatTemperanceInn,afteryourtelegraphingthatmessage!’
  `Whynot?’
  `Youcanseewellenough!’
  `Verywell;there’llbesomeotheroneopen,nodoubt。Ihavesometimesthought,sinceyourmarryingPhillotsonbecauseofastupidscandal,thatundertheaffectationofindependentviewsyouareasenslavedtothesocialcodeasanywomanIknow!’
  `Notmentally。ButIhaven’tthecourageofmyviews,asIsaidbefore。Ididn’tmarryhimaltogetherbecauseofthescandal。Butsometimesawoman’sloveofbeinglovedgetsthebetterofherconscience,andthoughsheisagonizedatthethoughtoftreatingamancruelly,sheencourageshimtoloveherwhileshedoesn’tlovehimatall。Then,whensheseeshimsuffering,herremorsesetsin,andshedoeswhatshecantorepairthewrong。’
  `Yousimplymeanthatyouflirtedoutrageouslywithhim,pooroldchap,andthenrepented,andtomakereparation,marriedhim,thoughyoutorturedyourselftodeathbydoingit。’
  `Well-ifyouwillputitbrutally!-itwasalittlelikethat-thatandthescandaltogether-andyourconcealingfrommewhatyououghttohavetoldmebefore!’
  Hecouldseethatshewasdistressedandtearfulathiscriticisms,andsoothedher,saying:`There,dear;don’tmind!Crucifyme,ifyouwill!
  Youknowyouarealltheworldtome,whateveryoudo!’
  `Iamverybadandunprincipled-Iknowyouthinkthat!’shesaid,tryingtoblinkawayhertears。
  `IthinkandknowyouaremydearSue,fromwhomneitherlengthnorbreadth,northingspresentnorthingstocome,candivideme!’
  Thoughsosophisticatedinmanythingsshewassuchachildinothersthatthissatisfiedher,andtheyreachedtheendoftheirjourneyonthebestofterms。Itwasaboutteno’clockwhentheyarrivedatAldbrickham,thecountytownofNorthWessex。AsshewouldnotgototheTemperanceHotelbecauseoftheformofhistelegram,Judeinquiredforanother;andayouthwhovolunteeredtofindonewheeledtheirluggagetotheGeorgefartheron,whichprovedtobetheinnatwhichJudehadstayedwithArabellaonthatoneoccasionoftheirmeetingaftertheirdivisionforyears。
  Owing,however,totheirnowenteringitbyanotherdoor,andtohispreoccupation,hedidnotatfirstrecognizetheplace。Whentheyhadengagedtheirrespectiveroomstheywentdowntoalatesupper。DuringJude’stemporaryabsencethewaiting-maidspoketoSue。
  `Ithink,ma’am,Irememberyourrelation,orfriend,orwhateverheis,cominghereoncebefore-late,justlikethis,withhiswife-
  alady,atanyrate,thatwasn’tyoubynomannerofmeans-jestasmedbewithyounow。’
  `Ohdoyou?’saidSue,withacertainsicknessofheart。`ThoughIthinkyoumustbemistaken!Howlongagowasit?’
  `Aboutamonthortwo。Ahandsome,full-figuredwoman。Theyhadthisroom。’
  WhenJudecamebackandsatdowntosupperSueseemedmopingandmiserable。`Jude,’shesaidtohimplaintively,attheirpartingthatnightuponthelanding,`itisnotsoniceandpleasantasitusedtobewithus!
  Idon’tlikeithere-Ican’tbeartheplace!AndIdon’tlikeyousowellasIdid!’
  `Howfidgetedyouseem,dear!Whydoyouchangelikethis?’
  `Becauseitwascrueltobringmehere!’
  `Why?’
  `YouwerelatelyherewithArabella。There,nowIhavesaidit!’
  `Dearme,why-`saidJudelookingroundhim。`Yes-itisthesame!Ireallydidn’tknowit,Sue。Well-itisnotcruel,sincewehavecomeaswehave-tworelationsstayingtogether。’
  `Howlongagowasityouwerehere?Tellme,tellme!’
  `ThedaybeforeImetyouinChristminster,whenwewentbacktoMarygreentogether。ItoldyouIhadmether。’
  `Yes,yousaidyouhadmether,butyoudidn’ttellmeall。Yourstorywasthatyouhadmetasestrangedpeople,whowerenothusbandandwifeatallinHeaven’ssight-notthatyouhadmadeitupwithher。’
  `Wedidn’tmakeitup,’hesaidsadly。`Ican’texplain,Sue。’
  `You’vebeenfalsetome;you,mylasthope!AndIshallneverforgetit,never!’