首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第32章

第32章

  couldn’thelpit,althoughIhavebeen-pretendingIamhappy-Nowyou’llhaveacontemptformeforever,Isuppose!’Shebentdownherfaceuponherhandsastheylayuponthecloth,andsilentlysobbedinlittlejerksthatmadethefragilethree-leggedtablequiver。
  `Ihaveonlybeenmarriedamonthortwo!’shewenton,stillremainingbentuponthetable,andsobbingintoherhands。`Anditissaidthatwhatawomanshrinksfrom-intheearlydaysofhermarriage-sheshakesdowntowithcomfortableindifferenceinhalfadozenyears。Butthatismuchlikesayingthattheamputationofalimbisnoaffliction,sinceapersongetscomfortablyaccustomedtotheuseofawoodenlegorarminthecourseoftime!’
  Judecouldhardlyspeak,buthesaid,`Ithoughttherewassomethingwrong,Sue!Oh,Ithoughttherewas!’
  `Butitisnotasyouthink!-thereisnothingwrongexceptmyownwickedness,Isupposeyou’dcallit-arepugnanceonmypart,forareasonIcannotdisclose,andwhatwouldnotbeadmittedasonebytheworldingeneral!……Whattorturesmesomuchisthenecessityofbeingresponsivetothismanwheneverhewishes,goodasheismorally!-thedreadfulcontracttofeelinaparticularwayinamatterwhoseessenceisitsvoluntariness!……Iwishhewouldbeatme,orbefaithlesstome,ordosomeopenthingthatIcouldtalkaboutasajustificationforfeelingasIdo!Buthedoesnothing,exceptthathehasgrownalittlecoldsincehehasfoundouthowIfeel。That’swhyhedidn’tcometothefuneral……
  Oh,Iamverymiserable-Idon’tknowwhattodo!……Don’tcomenearme,Jude,becauseyoumustn’t。Don’t-don’t!’
  Buthehadjumpedupandputhisfaceagainsthers-orratheragainstherear,herfacebeinginaccessible。
  `Itoldyounotto,Jude!’
  `Iknowyoudid-Ionlywishto-consoleyou!Itallarosethroughmybeingmarriedbeforewemet,didn’tit?Youwouldhavebeenmywife,Sue,wouldn’tyou,ifithadn’tbeenforthat?’
  Insteadofreplyingsherosequickly,andsayingshewasgoingtowalktoheraunt’sgraveinthechurchyardtorecoverherself,wentoutofthehouse。Judedidnotfollowher。TwentyminuteslaterhesawhercrossthevillagegreentowardsMrs。Edlin’s,andsoonshesentalittlegirltofetchherbag,andtellhimshewastootiredtoseehimagainthatnight。
  Inthelonelyroomofhisaunt’shouse,JudesatwatchingthecottageoftheWidowEdlinasitdisappearedbehindthenightshade。HeknewthatSuewassittingwithinitswallsequallylonelyanddisheartened;
  andagainquestionedhisdevotionalmottothatallwasforthebest。
  Heretiredtorestearly,buthissleepwasfitfulfromthesensethatSuewassonearathand。Atsometimeneartwoo’clock,whenhewasbeginningtosleepmoresoundly,hewasarousedbyashrillsqueakthathadbeenfamiliarenoughtohimwhenhelivedregularlyatMarygreen。Itwasthecryofarabbitcaughtinagin。Aswasthelittlecreature’shabit,itdidnotsoonrepeatitscry;andprobablywouldnotdosomorethanonceortwice;butwouldremainbearingitstorturetillthemorrowwhenthetrapperwouldcomeandknockitonthehead。
  Hewhoinhischildhoodhadsavedthelivesoftheearthwormsnowbegantopicturetheagoniesoftherabbitfromitslaceratedleg。
  Ifitwerea`badcatch’bythehind-leg,theanimalwouldtugduringtheensuingsixhourstilltheironteethofthetraphadstrippedtheleg-boneofitsflesh,when,shouldaweak-springedinstrumentenableittoescape,itwoulddieinthefieldsfromthemortificationofthelimb。Ifitwerea`goodcatch,’namely,bythefore-leg,thebonewouldbebrokenandthelimbnearlytornintwoinattemptsatanimpossibleescape。
  Almosthalfanhourpassed,andtherabbitrepeateditscry。Judecouldrestnolongertillhehadputitoutofitspain,sodressinghimselfquicklyhedescended,andbythelightofthemoonwentacrossthegreeninthedirectionofthesound。Hereachedthehedgeborderingthewidow’sgarden,whenhestoodstill。Thefaintclickofthetrapasdraggedaboutbythewrithinganimalguidedhimnow,andreachingthespothestrucktherabbitonthebackoftheneckwiththesideofhispalm,anditstretcheditselfoutdead。
  Hewasturningawaywhenhesawawomanlookingoutoftheopencasementatawindowonthegroundflooroftheadjacentcottage。`Jude!’
  saidavoicetimidly-Sue’svoice。`Itisyou-isitnot?’
  `Yes,dear!’
  `Ihaven’tbeenabletosleepatall,andthenIheardtherabbit,andcouldn’thelpthinkingofwhatitsuffered,tillIfeltImustcomedownandkillit!ButIamsogladyougottherefirst……Theyoughtnottobeallowedtosetthesesteeltraps,oughtthey!’
  Judehadreachedthewindow,whichwasquitealowone,sothatshewasvisibledowntoherwaist。Sheletgothecasement-stayandputherhanduponhis,hermoonlitfaceregardinghimwistfully。
  `Diditkeepyouawake?’hesaid。
  `No-Iwasawake。’
  `Howwasthat?’
  `Oh,youknow-now!Iknowyou,withyourreligiousdoctrines,thinkthatamarriedwomanintroubleofakindlikeminecommitsamortalsininmakingamantheconfidantofit,asIdidyou。IwishIhadn’t,now!’
  `Don’twishit,dear,’hesaid。`Thatmayhavebeenmyview;butmydoctrinesandIbegintopartcompany。’
  `Iknewit-Iknewit!Andthat’swhyIvowedIwouldn’tdisturbyourbelief。But-Iamsogladtoseeyou!-and,oh,Ididn’tmeantoseeyouagain,nowthelasttiebetweenus,AuntDrusilla,isdead!’
  Judeseizedherhandandkissedit。`Thereisastrongeroneleft!’
  hesaid。`I’llnevercareaboutmydoctrinesormyreligionanymore!Letthemgo!Letmehelpyou,evenifIdoloveyou,andevenifyou……’
  `Don’tsayit!-Iknowwhatyoumean;butIcan’tadmitsomuchasthat。There!Guesswhatyoulike,butdon’tpressmetoanswerquestions!’
  `Iwishyouwerehappy,whateverImaybe!’
  `Ican’tbe!Sofewcouldenterintomyfeeling-theywouldsay’twasmyfancifulfastidiousness,orsomethingofthatsort,andcondemnme……Itisnoneofthenaturaltragediesoflovethat’slove’susualtragedyincivilizedlife,butatragedyartificiallymanufacturedforpeoplewhoinanaturalstatewouldfindreliefinparting!……Itwouldhavebeenwrong,perhaps,formetotellmydistresstoyou,ifIhadbeenabletotellittoanybodyelse。ButIhavenobody。AndImusttellsomebody!Jude,beforeImarriedhimIhadneverthoughtoutfullywhatmarriagemeant,eventhoughIknew。Itwasidioticofme-thereisnoexcuse。Iwasoldenough,andIthoughtIwasveryexperienced。SoIrushedon,whenIhadgotintothattrainingschoolscrape,withallthecock-surenessofthefoolthatIwas!……Iamcertainoneoughttobeallowedtoundowhatonehaddonesoignorantly!Idaresayithappenstolotsofwomen,onlytheysubmit,andIkick……Whenpeopleofalateragelookbackuponthebarbarouscustomsandsuperstitionsofthetimesthatwehavetheunhappinesstolivein,whatwilltheysay!’
  `Youareverybitter,darlingSue!HowIwish-Iwish——’
  `Youmustgoinnow!’
  Inamomentofimpulseshebentoverthesill,andlaidherfaceuponhishair,weeping,andthenimprintingascarcelyperceptiblelittlekissuponthetopofhishead,withdrawingquickly,sothathecouldnotputhisarmsroundher,asotherwiseheunquestionablywouldhavedone。
  Sheshutthecasement,andhereturnedtohiscottage。
  JudetheObscureChapter31IV-iiiSue’sdistressfulconfessionrecurredtoJude’smindallthenightasbeingasorrowindeed。
  Themorningafter,whenitwastimeforhertogo,theneighbourssawhercompanionandherselfdisappearingonfootdownthehillpathwhichledintothelonelyroadtoAlfredston。Anhourpassedbeforehereturnedalongthesameroute,andinhisfacetherewasalookofexaltationnotunmixedwithrecklessness。Anincidenthadoccurred。
  Theyhadstoodpartinginthesilenthighway,andtheirtenseandpassionatemoodshadledtobewilderedinquiriesofeachotheronhowfartheirintimacyoughttogo;tilltheyhadalmostquarrelled,andshesaidtearfullythatitwashardlyproperofhimasaparsoninembryotothinkofsuchathingaskissinghereveninfarewellashenowwishedtodo。Thenshehadconcededthatthefactofthekisswouldbenothing:
  allwoulddependuponthespiritofit。Ifgiveninthespiritofacousinandafriendshesawnoobjection:ifinthespiritofalovershecouldnotpermitit。`Willyouswearthatitwillnotbeinthatspirit?’shehadsaid。
  No:hewouldnot。Andthentheyhadturnedfromeachotherinestrangement,andgonetheirseveralways,tillatadistanceoftwentyorthirtyyardsbothhadlookedroundsimultaneously。Thatlookbehindwasfataltothereservehithertomoreorlessmaintained。Theyhadquicklyrunback,andmet,andembracingmostunpremeditatedly,kissedcloseandlong。Whentheypartedforgooditwaswithflushedcheeksonherside,andabeatingheartonhis。
  Thekisswasaturning-pointinJude’scareer。Backagaininthecottage,andlefttoreflection,hesawonething:thatthoughhiskissofthataerialbeinghadseemedthepurestmomentofhisfaultfullife,aslongashenourishedthisunlicensedtendernessitwasglaringlyinconsistentforhimtopursuetheideaofbecomingthesoldierandservantofareligioninwhichsexuallovewasregardedasatitsbestafrailty,andatitsworstdamnation。WhatSuehadsaidinwarmthwasreallythecoldtruth。
  Whentodefendhisaffectiontoothandnail,topersistwithheadlongforceinimpassionedattentionstoher,wasallhethoughtof,hewascondemnedipsofactoasaprofessoroftheacceptedschoolofmorals。Hewasasunfit,obviously,bynature,ashehadbeenbysocialposition,tofillthepartofapropounderofaccrediteddogma。
  Strangethathisfirstaspiration-towardsacademicalproficiency-hadbeencheckedbyawoman,andthathissecondaspiration-towardsapostleship-hadalsobeencheckedbyawoman。`Isit,’hesaid,`thatthewomenaretoblame;orisittheartificialsystemofthings,underwhichthenormalsex-impulsesareturnedintodevilishdomesticginsandspringstonooseandholdbackthosewhowanttoprogress?’
  Ithadbeenhisstandingdesiretobecomeaprophet,howeverhumble,tohisstrugglingfellow-creatures,withoutanythoughtofpersonalgain。
  Yetwithawifelivingawayfromhimwithanotherhusband,andhimselfinloveerratically,thelovedone’srevoltagainstherstatebeingpossiblyonhisaccount,hehadsunktobebarelyrespectableaccordingtoregulationviews。
  Itwasnotforhimtoconsiderfurther:hehadonlytoconfronttheobvious,whichwasthathehadmadehimselfquiteanimpostorasalaw-abidingreligiousteacher。
  Atduskthateveninghewentintothegardenanddugashallowhole,towhichhebroughtoutallthetheologicalandethicalworksthathepossessed,andhadstoredhere。Heknewthat,inthiscountryoftruebelievers,mostofthemwerenotsaleableatamuchhigherpricethanwaste-papervalue,andpreferredtogetridoftheminhisownway,evenifheshouldsacrificealittlemoneytothesentimentofthusdestroyingthem。Lightingsomeloosepamphletstobeginwith,hecutthevolumesintopiecesaswellashecould,andwithathree-prongedforkshookthemovertheflames。
  Theykindled,andlightedupthebackofthehouse,thepigsty,andhisownface,tilltheyweremoreorlessconsumed。
  Thoughhewasalmostastrangerherenow,passingcottagerstalkedtohimoverthegardenhedge。
  `Burningupyourawldaunt’srubbidge,Isuppose?Ay;alotgetsheapedupinnooksandcornerswhenyou’velivedeightyyearsinonehouse。’
  Itwasnearlyoneo’clockinthemorningbeforetheleaves,covers,andbindingofJeremyTaylor,Butler,Doddridge,Paley,Pusey,Newmanandtheresthadgonetoashes,butthenightwasquiet,andasheturnedandturnedthepapershredswiththefork,thesenseofbeingnolongerahypocritetohimselfaffordedhismindareliefwhichgavehimcalm。Hemightgoonbelievingasbefore,butheprofessednothing,andnolongerownedandexhibitedenginesoffaithwhich,astheirproprietor,hemightnaturallybesupposedtoexerciseonhimselffirstofall。InhispassionforSuehecouldnowstandasanordinarysinner,andnotasawhitedsepulchre。
  MeanwhileSue,afterpartingfromhimearlierintheday,hadgonealongtothestation,withtearsinhereyesforhavingrunbackandlethimkissher。Judeoughtnottohavepretendedthathewasnotalover,andmadehergivewaytoanimpulsetoactunconventionally,ifnotwrongly。
  Shewasinclinedtocallitthelatter;forSue’slogicwasextraordinarilycompounded,andseemedtomaintainthatbeforeathingwasdoneitmightberighttodo,butthatbeingdoneitbecamewrong;or,inotherwords,thatthingswhichwererightintheorywerewronginpractice。