首页 >出版文学> Jude the Obscure>第23章

第23章

  Afterthelapseofafewdayshefoundhimselfhopingthatshewouldwriteagain。Buthereceivednofurthercommunication;andintheintensityofhissolicitudehesentanothernote,suggestingthatheshouldpayheravisitsomeSunday,thedistancebeingundereighteenmiles。
  Heexpectedareplyonthesecondmorningafterdespatchinghismissive;butnonecame。Thethirdmorningarrived;thepostmandidnotstop。ThiswasSaturday,andinafeverishstateofanxietyaboutherhesentoffthreebrieflinesstatingthathewascomingthefollowingday,forhefeltsuresomethinghadhappened。
  Hisfirstandnaturalthoughthadbeenthatshewasillfromherimmersion;butitsoonoccurredtohimthatsomebodywouldhavewrittenforherinsuchacase。Conjectureswereputanendtobyhisarrivalatthevillageschool-housenearShastononthebrightmorningofSunday,betweenelevenandtwelveo’clock,whentheparishwasasvacantasadesert,mostoftheinhabitantshavinggatheredinsidethechurch,whencetheirvoicescouldoccasionallybeheardinunison。
  Alittlegirlopenedthedoor。`MissBrideheadisup-stairs,’
  shesaid。`Andwillyoupleasewalkuptoher?’
  `Issheill?’askedJudehastily。
  `Onlyalittle-notvery。’
  Judeenteredandascended。Onreachingthelandingavoicetoldhimwhichwaytoturn-thevoiceofSuecallinghisname。Hepassedthedoorway,andfoundherlyinginalittlebedinaroomadozenfeetsquare。
  `Oh,Sue!’hecried,sittingdownbesideherandtakingherhand。
  `Howisthis!Youcouldn’twrite?’
  `No-itwasn’tthat!’sheanswered。`Ididcatchabadcold-
  butIcouldhavewritten。OnlyIwouldn’t!’
  `Whynot?-frighteningmelikethis!’
  `Yes-thatwaswhatIwasafraidof!ButIhaddecidednottowritetoyouanymore。Theywon’thavemebackattheschool-that’swhyIcouldn’twrite。Notthefact,butthereason!’
  `Well?’
  `Theynotonlywon’thaveme,buttheygavemeapartingpieceofadvice——’
  `What?’
  Shedidnotanswerdirectly。`IvowedIneverwouldtellyou,Jude-itissovulgaranddistressing!’
  `Isitaboutus?’
  `Yes。’
  `Butdotellme!’
  `Well-somebodyhassentthembaselessreportsaboutus,andtheysayyouandIoughttomarryassoonaspossible,forthesakeofmyreputation!……There-nowIhavetoldyou,andIwishIhadn’t!’
  `Oh,poorSue!’
  `Idon’tthinkofyoulikethatmeans!ItdidjustoccurtometoregardyouinthewaytheythinkIdo,butIhadn’tbegunto。
  Ihaverecognizedthatthecousinshipwasmerelynominal,sincewemetastotalstrangers。Butmymarryingyou,dearJude-why,ofcourse,ifIhadreckoneduponmarryingyoulshouldn’thavecometoyousooften!
  AndIneversupposedyouthoughtofsuchathingasmarryingmetilltheotherevening;whenIbegantofancyyoudidlovemealittle。PerhapsIoughtnottohavebeensointimatewithyou。Itisallmyfault。Everythingismyfaultalways!’
  Thespeechseemedalittleforcedandunreal,andtheyregardedeachotherwithamutualdistress。
  `Iwassoblindatfirst!’shewenton。`Ididn’tseewhatyoufeltatall。Oh,youhavebeenunkindtome-youhave-tolookuponmeasasweetheartwithoutsayingaword,andleavingmetodiscoveritmyself!
  Yourattitudetomehasbecomeknown;andnaturallytheythinkwe’vebeendoingwrong!I’llnevertrustyouagain!’
  `Yes,Sue,’hesaidsimply;`Iamtoblame-morethanyouthink。
  IwasquiteawarethatyoudidnotsuspecttillwithinthelastmeetingortwowhatIwasfeelingaboutyou。Iadmitthatourmeetingasstrangerspreventedasenseofrelationship,andthatitwasasortofsubterfugetoavailmyselfofit。Butdon’tyouthinkldeservealittleconsiderationforconcealingmywrong,verywrong,sentiments,sinceIcouldn’thelphavingthem?’
  Sheturnedhereyesdoubtfullytowardshim,andthenlookedawayasifafraidshemightforgivehim。
  Byeverylawofnatureandsexakisswastheonlyrejoinderthatfittedthemoodandthemoment,underthesuasionofwhichSue’sundemonstrativeregardofhimmightnotinconceivablyhavechangeditstemperature。Somemenwouldhavecastscruplestothewinds,andventuredit,obliviousbothofSue’sdeclarationofherneutralfeelings,andofthepairofautographsinthevestrychestofArabella’sparishchurch。Judedidnot。Hehad,infact,comeinparttotellhisownfatalstory。Itwasuponhislips;
  yetatthehourofthisdistresshecouldnotdiscloseit。Hepreferredtodwellupontherecognizedbarriersbetweenthem。
  `Ofcourse-Iknowyoudon’t-careaboutmeinanyparticularway,’hesorrowed。`Yououghtnot,andyouareright。Youbelongto-Mr。
  Phillotson。Isupposehehasbeentoseeyou?’
  `Yes,’shesaidshortly,herfacechangingalittle。`ThoughI
  didn’taskhimtocome。Youareglad,ofcourse,thathehasbeen!ButIshouldn’tcareifhedidn’tcomeanymore!’
  Itwasveryperplexingtoherloverthatsheshouldbepiquedathishonestacquiescenceinhisrival,ifJude’sfeelingsofloveweredeprecatedbyher。Hewentontosomethingelse。
  `Thiswillblowover,dearSue,’hesaid。`Thetraining-schoolauthoritiesarenotalltheworld。Youcangettobeastudentinsomeother,nodoubt。’
  `I’llaskMr。Phillotson,’shesaiddecisively。
  Sue’skindhostessnowreturnedfromchurch,andtherewasnomoreintimateconversation。Judeleftintheafternoon,hopelesslyunhappy。
  Buthehadseenher,andsatwithher。Suchintercourseasthatwouldhavetocontenthimfortheremainderofhislife。Thelessonofrenunciationitwasnecessaryandproperthathe,asaparishpriest,shouldlearn。
  Butthenextmorningwhenheawokehefeltrathervexedwithher,anddecidedthatshewasratherunreasonable,nottosaycapricious。Then,inillustrationofwhathehadbeguntodiscernasoneofherredeemingcharacteristicstherecamepromptlyanote,whichshemusthavewrittenalmostimmediatelyhehadgonefromher:
  Forgivemeformypetulanceyesterday!Iwashorridtoyou;
  Iknowit,andIfeelperfectlymiserableatmyhorridness。Itwassodearofyounottobeangry!Judepleasestillkeepmeasyourfriendandassociate,withallmyfaults。I’lltrynottohelikeitagain。
  IamcomingtoMelchesteronSaturday,togetmythingsawayfromtheT。S。,&;c。Icouldwalkwithyouforhalfanhour,ifyouwouldlike?-YourrepentantSue。Judeforgaveherstraightway,andaskedhertocallforhimatthecathedralworkswhenshecame。
  JudetheObscureChapter24III-viMeanwhileamiddle-agedmanwasdreamingadreamofgreatbeautyconcerningthewriteroftheaboveletter。HewasRichardPhillotson,whohadrecentlyremovedfromthemixedvillageschoolatLumsdonnearChristminster,toundertakealargeboys’schoolinhisnativetownofShaston,whichstoodonahillsixtymilestothesouth-westasthecrowflies。
  Aglanceattheplaceanditsaccessorieswasalmostenoughtorevealthattheschoolmaster’splansanddreamssolongindulgedinhadbeenabandonedforsomenewdreamwithwhichneithertheChurchnorliteraturehadmuchincommon。Essentiallyanunpracticalman,hewasnowbentonmakingandsavingmoneyforapracticalpurpose-thatofkeepingawife,who,ifshechose,mightconductoneofthegirls’schoolsadjoininghisown;forwhichpurposehehadadvisedhertogointotraining,sinceshewouldnotmarryhimoffhand。
  AboutthetimethatJudewasremovingfromMarygreentoMelchester,andenteringonadventuresatthelatterplacewithSue,theschoolmasterwassettlingdowninthenewschool-houseatShaston。Allthefurniturebeingfixed,thebooksshelved,andthenailsdriven,hehadbeguntositinhisparlourduringthedarkwinternightsandre-attemptsomeofhisoldstudies-onebranchofwhichhadincludedRoman-Britannicantiquities-anunremunerativelabourforanationalschool-masterbutasubject,that,afterhisabandonmentoftheuniversityscheme,hadinterestedhimasbeingacomparativelyunworkedmine;practicabletothosewho,likehimself,hadlivedinlonelyspotswheretheseremainswereabundant,andwereseentocompelinferencesinstartlingcontrasttoacceptedviewsonthecivilizationofthattime。
  AresumptionofthisinvestigationwastheoutwardandapparenthobbyofPhillotsonatpresent-hisostensiblereasonforgoingaloneintofieldswherecauseways,dykes,andtumuliabounded,orshuttinghimselfupinhishousewithafewurns,tiles,andmosaicshehadcollected,insteadofcallingrounduponhisnewneighbours,whofortheirparthadshowedthemselveswillingenoughtobefriendlywithhim。Butitwasnotthereal,orthewhole,reason,afterall。Thusonaparticulareveninginthemonth,whenithadgrownquitelate-tonearmidnight,indeed-andthelightofhislamp,shiningfromhiswindowatasalientangleofthehill-toptownoverinfinitemilesofvalleywestward,announcedasbywordsaplaceandpersongivenovertostudy,hewasnotexactlystudying。
  Theinterioroftheroom-thebooks,thefurniture,theschoolmaster’sloosecoat,hisattitudeatthetable,eventheflickeringofthefire,bespokethesamedignifiedtaleofundistractedresearch-morethancreditabletoamanwhohadhadnoadvantagesbeyondthoseofhisownmaking。Andyetthetale,trueenoughtilllatterly,wasnottruenow。Whathewasregardingwasnothistory。Theywerehistoricnotes,writteninaboldwomanlyhandathisdictationsomemonthsbefore,anditwastheclericalrenderingofwordafterwordthatabsorbedhim。
  Hepresentlytookfromadraweracarefullytiedbundleofletters,few,veryfew,ascorrespondencecountsnowadays。Eachwasinitsenvelopejustasithadarrived,andthehandwritingwasofthesamewomanlycharacterasthehistoricnotes。Heunfoldedthemonebyoneandreadthemmusingly。
  Atfirstsightthereseemedinthesesmalldocumentstobeabsolutelynothingtomuseover。Theywerestraightforward,frankletters,signed`SueB-
  `;justsuchonesaswouldbewrittenduringshortabsences,withnootherthoughtthantheirspeedydestruction,andchieflyconcerningbooksinreadingandotherexperiencesofatrainingschool,forgottendoubtlessbythewriterwiththepassingofthedayoftheirinditing。Inoneofthem-quitearecentnote-theyoungwomansaidthatshehadreceivedhisconsiderateletter,andthatitwashonourableandgenerousofhimtosayhewouldnotcometoseeheroftenerthanshedesiredtheschoolbeingsuchanawkwardplaceforcallers,andbecauseofherstrongwishthatherengagementtohimshouldnotbeknown,whichitwouldinfalliblybeifhevisitedheroften。Overthesephrasestheschool-masterpored。
  Whatpreciseshadeofsatisfactionwastobegatheredfromawoman’sgratitudethatthemanwholovedherhadnotbeenoftentoseeher?Theproblemoccupiedhim,distractedhim。
  Heopenedanotherdrawer,andfoundthereinanenvelope,fromwhichhedrewaphotographofSueasachild,longbeforehehadknownher,standingundertrellis-workwithalittlebasketinherhand。Therewasanotherofherasayoungwoman,herdarkeyesandhairmakingaverydistinctandattractivepictureofher,whichjustdisclosed,too,thethoughtfulnessthatlaybehindherlightermoods。ItwasaduplicateoftheoneshehadgivenJude,andwouldhavegiventoanyman。Phillotsonbroughtithalf-waytohislips,butwithdrewitindoubtatherperplexingphrases:ultimatelykissingthedeadpasteboardwithallthepassionateness,andmorethanallthedevotion,ofayoungmanofeighteen。
  Theschoolmaster’swasanunhealthy-looking,old-fashionedface,renderedmoreold-fashionedbyhisstyleofshaving。Acertaingentlemanlinesshadbeenimpartedtoitbynature,suggestinganinherentwishtodorightlybyall。Hisspeechwasalittleslow,buthistonesweresincereenoughtomakehishesitationnodefect。Hisgreyinghairwascurly,andradiatedfromapointinthemiddleofhiscrown。Therewerefourlinesacrosshisforehead,andheonlyworespectacleswhenreadingatnight。Itwasalmostcertainlyarenunciationforceduponhimbyhisacademicpurpose,ratherthanadistasteforwomen,whichhadhithertokepthimfromclosingwithoneofthesexinmatrimony。
  Suchsilentproceedingsasthoseofthiseveningwererepeatedmanyandofttimeswhenhewasnotundertheeyeoftheboys,whosequickandpenetratingregardwouldfrequentlybecomealmostintolerabletotheself-consciousmasterinhispresentanxiouscareforSue,makinghim,inthegreyhoursofmorning,dreadtomeetanewthegimletglances,lesttheyshouldreadwhatthedreamwithinhimwas。