’Oh，asfortheChurchofEngland，’saidMr。Platitude，’Ihavelittletosay。ThankGod，IleftallmyChurchofEnglandprejudicesinItaly。HadtheChurchofEnglandknownitstrueinterests，itwouldlongagohavesoughtareconciliationwithitsillustriousmother。IftheChurchofEnglandhadnotbeeninsomedegreeaschismaticchurch，itwouldnothavefaredsoillatthetimeofwhichyouarespeaking；therestoftheChurchwouldhavecometoitsassistance。TheIrishwouldhavehelpedit，sowouldtheFrench，sowouldthePortuguese。DisunionhasalwaysbeenthebaneoftheChurch。’
　　OncemoreIfellintoareverie。Mymindnowrevertedtothepast；
　　methoughtIwasinasmallcomfortableroomwainscotedwithoak；I
　　wasseatedononesideofafireplace，closebyatableonwhichwerewineandfruit；ontheothersideofthefiresatamaninaplainsuitofbrown，withthehaircombedbackfromhissomewhathighforehead；hehadapipeinhismouth，whichforsometimehesmokedgravelyandplacidly，withoutsayingaword；atlength，afterdrawingatthepipeforsometimerathervigorously，heremoveditfromhismouth，and，emittinganaccumulatedcloudofsmoke，heexclaimedinaslowandmeasuredtone，’AsIwastellingyoujustnow，mygoodchap，Ihavealwaysbeenanenemytohumbug。’
　　WhenIawokefrommyreverietheReverendMr。Platitudewasquittingtheapartment。
　　’Whoisthatperson？’saidItomyentertainer，asthedoorclosedbehindhim。
　　’Whoishe？’saidmyhost；’why，theReverendMr。Platitude。’
　　’Doesheresideinthisneighbourhood？’
　　’Heholdsalivingaboutthreemilesfromhere；hishistory，asfarasIamacquaintedwithit，isasfollows。Hisfatherwasarespectabletannerintheneighbouringtown，who，wishingtomakehissonagentleman，senthimtocollege。Havingneverbeenatcollegemyself，Icannotsaywhetherhetookthewisestcourse；I
　　believeitismoreeasytounmakethantomakeagentleman；Ihaveknownmanygentlemanlyyouthsgotocollege，andreturnanythingbutwhattheywent。YoungMr。Platitudedidnotgotocollegeagentleman，butneitherdidhereturnone：hewenttocollegeanass，andreturnedaprig；tohisoriginalfollywassuperaddedavastquantityofconceit。Hetoldhisfatherthathehadadoptedhighprinciples，andwasdeterminedtodiscountenanceeverythinglowandmean；advisedhimtoeschewtrade，andtopurchasehimaliving。Theoldmanretiredfrombusiness，purchasedhissonaliving，andshortlyafterdied，leavinghimwhatremainedofhisfortune。ThefirstthingtheReverendMr。Platitudedid，afterhisfather’sdecease，wastosendhismotherandsisterintoWalestoliveuponasmallannuity，assigningasareasonthathewasaversetoanythinglow，andthattheytalkedungrammatically。Wishingtoshineinthepulpit，henowpreachedhighsermons，ashecalledthem，interspersedwithscrapsoflearning。Hissermonsdidnot，however，procurehimmuchpopularity；onthecontrary，hischurchsoonbecamenearlydeserted，thegreaterpartofhisflockgoingovertocertaindissentingpreachers，whohadshortlybeforemadetheirappearanceintheneighbourhood。Mr。Platitudewasfilledwithwrath，andabusedDissentersinmostunmeasuredterms。Comingincontactwithsomeofthepreachersatapublicmeeting，hewasrashenoughtoenterintoargumentwiththem。PoorPlatitude!hehadbetterhavebeenquiet，heappearedlikeachild，averyinfant，intheirgrasp；heattemptedtotakeshelterunderhiscollegelearning，butfound，tohisdismay，thathisopponentsknewmoreGreekandLatinthanhimself。Theseilliterateboors，ashehadsupposedthem，caughthimatonceinafalseconcord，andMr。
　　Platitudehadtoslinkhomeoverwhelmedwithshame。Toavengehimselfheappliedtotheecclesiasticalcourt，butwastoldthattheDissenterscouldnotbeputdownbythepresentecclesiasticallaw。HefoundtheChurchofEngland，tousehisownexpression，apoor，powerless，restrictedChurch。Henowthoughttoimprovehisconsequencebymarriage，andmadeuptoarichandbeautifulyoungladyintheneighbourhood；thedamselmeasuredhimfromheadtofootwithapairofverysharpeyes，droppedacurtsey，andrefusedhim。Mr。Platitude，findingEnglandaverystupidplace，determinedtotravel；hewenttoItaly；howhepassedhistimethereheknowsbest，tootherpeopleitisamatteroflittleimportance。AttheendoftwoyearshereturnedwitharealorassumedcontemptforeverythingEnglish，andespeciallyfortheChurchtowhichhebelongs，andoutofwhichheissupported。HeforthwithgaveoutthathehadleftbehindhimallhisChurchofEnglandprejudices，and，asaproofthereof，spokeagainstsacerdotalwedlockandthetolerationofschismatics。Inanevilhourformyselfhewasintroducedtomebyaclergymanofmyacquaintance，andfromthattimeIhavebeenpestered，asIwasthismorning，atleastonceaweek。Iseldomenterintoanydiscussionwithhim，butfixmyeyesontheportraitoverthemantelpiece，andendeavourtoconjureupsomecomicideaorsituation，whilsthegoesontalkingtomfoolerybythehouraboutChurchauthority，schismatics，andtheunlawfulnessofsacerdotalwedlock；occasionallyhebringswithhimastrangekindofbeing，whoseacquaintancehesayshemadeinItaly；Ibelieveheissomesharkingpriestwhohascomeovertoproselytiseandplunder。Thisbeinghassomepowersofconversationandsomelearning，butcarriesthecountenanceofanarchvillain；Platitudeisevidentlyhistool。’
　　’Ofwhatreligionareyou？’saidItomyhost。
　　’ThatoftheVicarofWakefield-good，quiet，ChurchofEngland，whichwouldliveandletlive，practisescharity，andrailsatnoone；wherethepriestisthehusbandofonewife，takescareofhisfamilyandhisparish-suchisthereligionforme，thoughI
　　confessIhavehithertothoughttoolittleofreligiousmatters。
　　When，however，IhavecompletedthisplaguyworkonwhichIamengaged，Ihopetobeabletodevotemoreattentiontothem。’
　　Aftersomefurtherconversation，thesubjectsbeing，ifIrememberright，collegeeducation，priggism，churchauthority，tomfoolery，andthelike，Iroseandsaidtomyhost，’Imustnowleaveyou。’
　　’Whitherareyougoing？’
　　’Idonotknow。’
　　’Stayhere，then-youshallbewelcomeasmanydays，months，andyearsasyoupleasetostay。’
　　’DoyouthinkIwouldhanguponanotherman？No，notifhewereEmperorofalltheChinas。Iwillnowmakemypreparations，andthenbidyoufarewell。’
　　IretiredtomyapartmentandcollectedthehandfulofthingswhichIcarriedwithmeonmytravels。
　　’Iwillwalkalittlewaywithyou，’saidmyfriendonmyreturn。
　　Hewalkedwithmetotheparkgate；neitherofussaidanythingbytheway。Whenwehadcomeupontheroad，Isaid，’Farewellnow；I
　　willnotpermityoutogiveyourselfanyfurthertroubleonmyaccount。Receivemybestthanksforyourkindness；beforewepart，however，Ishouldwishtoaskyouaquestion。Doyouthinkyoushallevergrowtiredofauthorship？’
　　’Ihavemyfears，’saidmyfriend，advancinghishandtooneoftheironbarsofthegate。
　　’Don’ttouch，’saidI，’itisabadhabit。Ihavebutonewordtoadd：shouldyouevergrowtiredofauthorshipfollowyourfirstideaofgettingintoParliament；youhavewordsenoughatcommand；
　　perhapsyouwantmannerandmethod；but，inthatcase，youmustapplytoateacher，youmusttakelessonsofamasterofelocution。’
　　’Thatwouldneverdo!’saidmyhost；’Iknowmyselftoowelltothinkofapplyingforassistancetoanyone。WereItobecomeaparliamentaryorator，Ishouldwishtobeanoriginalone，evenifnotabovemediocrity。WhatpleasureshouldItakeinanyspeechI
　　mightmake，howeveroriginalastothought，providedthegesturesI
　　employedandtheverymodulationofmyvoicewerenotmyown？Takelessons，indeed!why，thefellowwhotaughtme，theprofessor，mightbestandinginthegallerywhilstIspoke；and，atthebestpartsofmyspeech，mightsaytohimself，“Thatgestureismine-
　　thatmodulationismine。“Icouldnotbearthethoughtofsuchathing。’
　　’Farewell，’saidI，’andmayyouprosper。Ihavenothingmoretosay。’
　　Ideparted。AtthedistanceoftwentyyardsIturnedroundsuddenly；myfriendwasjustwithdrawinghisfingerfromthebarofthegate。
　　’Hehasbeentouching，’saidI，asIproceededonmyway；’Iwonderwhatwastheevilchancehewishedtobaffle。’
　　CHAPTERLXVIII
　　Elasticstep-Disconsolateparty-Nottheseason-Mendyourdraught-Goodale-Crotchet-Hammerandtongs-Schoolmaster-
　　TrueEdenlife-FlamingTinman-Twicemysize-Hardatwork-Mypoorwife-GreyMoll-ABible-Half-and-half-Whattodo-Halfinclined-Innotime-Ononecondition-Don’tstare-Likethewind。
　　AFTERwalkingsometime，Ifoundmyselfonthegreatroad，atthesamespotwhereIhadturnedasidethedaybeforewithmynew-madeacquaintance，inthedirectionofhishouse。Inowcontinuedmyjourneyasbefore，towardsthenorth。Theweather，thoughbeautiful，wasmuchcoolerthanithadbeenforsometimepast；I
　　walkedatagreatrate，withaspringingandelasticstep。InabouttwohoursIcametowhereakindofcottagestoodalittlewaybackfromtheroad，withahugeoakbeforeit，undertheshadeofwhichstoodalittleponyandacart，whichseemedtocontainvariousarticles。Iwasgoingpast-whenIsawscrawledoverthedoorofthecottage，’Goodbeersoldhere’；uponwhich，feelingmyselfallofasuddenverythirsty，Ideterminedtogoinandtastethebeverage。
　　Ienteredawell-sandedkitchen，andseatedmyselfonabench，ononesideofalongwhitetable；theotherside，whichwasnearesttothewall，wasoccupiedbyaparty，orratherfamily，consistingofagrimy-lookingman，somewhatunderthemiddlesize，dressedinfadedvelveteens，andwearingaleatherapron-aratherpretty-