’Yes,’saidmyhost,sighing,’mynameissoandso,andIamtheauthorofsoandso;itismorethanprobablethatyouhaveheardbothofmynameandworks。Iwillnotdetainyoumuchlongerwithmyhistory;thenightisadvancing,andthestormappearstobeupontheincrease。Mylifesincetheperiodofmybecominganauthormaybesummedbrieflyasanalmostuninterruptedseriesofdoubts,anxieties,andtrepidations。Iseeclearlythatitisnotgoodtoloveanythingimmoderatelyinthisworld,butithasbeenmymisfortunetoloveimmoderatelyeverythingonwhichIhavesetmyheart。Thisisnotgood,Irepeat-butwhereistheremedy?
Theancientswerealwaysinthehabitofsaying,“Practisemoderation,“buttheancientsappeartohaveconsideredonlyoneportionofthesubject。Itisverypossibletopractisemoderationinsomethings,indrinkandthelike-torestraintheappetites-
butcanamanrestraintheaffectionsofhismind,andtellthem,sofaryoushallgo,andnofarther?Alas,no!forthemindisasubtleprinciple,andcannotbeconfined。Thewindsmaybeimprisoned;HomersaysthatOdysseuscarriedcertainwindsinhisship,confinedinleathernbags,butHomerneverspeaksofconfiningtheaffections。Itwerebutrightthatthosewhoexhortusagainstinordinateaffections,andsettingourheartstoomuchupontheworldanditsvanities,wouldtellushowtoavoiddoingso。
’IneedscarcelytellyouthatnosoonerdidIbecomeanauthorthanIgavemyselfupimmoderatelytomyvocation。Itbecamemyidol,and,asanecessaryconsequence,ithasprovedasourceofmiseryanddisquietudetome,insteadofpleasureandblessing。I
hadtroubleenoughinwritingmyfirstwork,andIwasnotlongindiscoveringthatitwasonethingtowriteastirringandspiritedaddresstoasetofcountyelectors,andanotherwidelydifferenttoproduceaworkatallcalculatedtomakeanimpressionuponthegreatworld。Ifelt,however,thatIwasinmypropersphere,andbydintofunwearieddiligenceandexertionIsucceededinevolvingfromthedepthsofmyagitatedbreastaworkwhich,thoughitdidnotexactlypleaseme,Ithoughtwouldservetomakeanexperimentuponthepublic;soIlaiditbeforethepublic,andthereceptionwhichitmetwithwasfarbeyondmywildestexpectations。Thepublicweredelightedwithit,butwhatweremyfeelings?
Anything,alas!butthoseofdelight。Nosoonerdidthepublicexpressitssatisfactionattheresultofmyendeavours,thanmyperverseimaginationbegantoconceiveathousandchimericaldoubts;forthwithIsatdowntoanalyseit;andmyworstenemy,andallpeoplehavetheirenemies,especiallyauthors-myworstenemycouldnothavediscoveredorsoughttodiscoveratenthpartofthefaultswhichI,theauthorandcreatoroftheunfortunateproduction,foundorsoughttofindinit。Ithasbeensaidthatlovemakesusblindtothefaultsofthelovedobject-commonlovedoes,perhaps-theloveofafathertohischild,orthatofalovertohismistress,butnottheinordinateloveofanauthortohisworks,atleastnotthelovewhichonelikemyselfbearstohisworks:tobebrief,Idiscoveredathousandfaultsinmywork,whichneitherpublicnorcriticsdiscovered。However,Iwasbeginningtogetoverthismisery,andtoforgivemyworkallitsimperfections,when-andIshakewhenImentionit-thesamekindofideawhichperplexedmewithregardtothehawksandthegypsyponyrushedintomymind,andIforthwithcommencedtouchingtheobjectsaroundme,inordertobaffletheevilchance,asyoucallit;itwasneithermorenorlessthanadoubtofthelegalityofmyclaimtothethoughts,expressions,andsituationscontainedinthebook;thatis,toallthatconstitutedthebook。HowdidIgetthem?Howdidtheycomeintomymind?DidIinventthem?Didtheyoriginatewithmyself?Aretheymyown,oraretheysomeotherbody’s?YouseeintowhatdifficultyIhadgot;Iwon’ttroubleyoubyrelatingallthatIenduredatthattime,butwillmerelysaythataftereatingmyownheart,astheItalianssay,andtouchingeveryobjectthatcameinmywayforsixmonths,Iatlengthflungmybook,ImeanthecopyofitwhichIpossessed,intothefire,andbegananother。
’Butitwasallinvain;Ilabouredatthisother,finishedit,andgaveittotheworld;andnosoonerhadIdoneso,thanthesamethoughtwasbusyinmybrain,poisoningallthepleasurewhichI
shouldotherwisehavederivedfrommywork。HowdidIgetallthematterwhichcomposedit?Outofmyownmind,unquestionably;buthowdiditcomethere-wasittheindigenousgrowthofthemind?
AndthenIwouldsitdownandponderoverthevariousscenesandadventuresinmybook,endeavouringtoascertainhowIcameoriginallytodevisethem,andbydintofreflectingIrememberedthattoasinglewordinconversation,orsomesimpleaccidentinastreetoronaroad,Iwasindebtedforsomeofthehappiestportionsofmywork;theywerebuttinyseeds,itistrue,whichinthesoilofmyimaginationhadsubsequentlybecomestatelytrees,butIreflectedthatwithoutthemnostatelytreeswouldhavebeenproduced,andthat,consequently,onlyapartinthemeritofthesecompositionswhichcharmedtheworld-forthedidcharmtheworld-wasduetomyself。Thus,adeadflywasinmyphial,poisoningallthepleasurewhichIshouldotherwisehavederivedfromtheresultofmybrain-sweat。“Howhard!“Iwouldexclaim,lookinguptothesky,“howhard!IamlikeVirgil’ssheep,bearingfleecesnotforthemselves。“But,nottotireyou,itfaredwithmysecondworkasitdidwithmyfirst;Iflungitaside,and,inordertoforgetit,Ibeganathird,onwhichIamnowoccupied;butthedifficultyofwritingitisimmense,myextremedesiretobeoriginalsadlycrampingthepowersofmymind;myfastidiousnessbeingsogreatthatIinvariablyrejectwhateverideasIdonotthinktobelegitimatelymyown。ButthereisonecircumstancetowhichIcannothelpalludinghere,asitservestoshowwhatmiseriesthisloveoforiginalitymustneedsbringuponanauthor。
Iamconstantlydiscoveringthat,howeveroriginalImaywishtobe,Iamcontinuallyproducingthesamethingswhichotherpeoplesayorwrite。Whenever,afterproducingsomethingwhichgivesmeperfectsatisfaction,andwhichhascostmeperhapsdaysandnightsofbrooding,Ichancetotakeupabookforthesakeofalittlerelaxation,abookwhichIneversawbefore,IamsuretofindinitsomethingmoreorlessresemblingsomepartofwhatIhavebeenjustcomposing。Youwilleasilyconceivethedistresswhichthencomesoverme;’tisthenthatIamalmosttemptedtoexecratethechancewhich,bydiscoveringmylatentpowers,inducedmetoadoptaprofessionofsuchanxietyandmisery。
’ForsometimepastIhavegivenupreadingalmostentirely,owingtothedreadwhichIentertainoflightinguponsomethingsimilartowhatImyselfhavewritten。Iscarcelyevertransgresswithouthavingalmostinstantreasontorepent。To-day,whenItookupthenewspaper,IsawinaspeechoftheDukeofRhododendron,atanagriculturaldinner,theverysameideas,andalmostthesameexpressionswhichIhadputintothemouthofanimaginarypersonageofmine,onawidelydifferentoccasion;yousawhowI
dashedthenewspaperdown-yousawhowItouchedthefloor;thetouchwastobaffletheevilchance,topreventthecriticsdetectinganysimilaritybetweenthespeechoftheDukeofRhododendronattheagriculturaldinnerandthespeechofmypersonage。Mysensibilityonthesubjectofmywritingsissogreatthatsometimesachancewordissufficienttounmanme,I
applyittotheminasuperstitioussense;forexample,whenyousaidsometimeagothatthedarkhourwascomingon,Iappliedittomyworks-itappearedtobodethemevilfortune;yousawhowI
touched,itwastobaffletheevilchance;butIdonotconfinemyselftotouchingwhenthefearoftheevilchanceisuponme。TobaffleitIoccasionallyperformactionswhichmustappearhighlyincomprehensible;Ihavebeenknown,whenridingincompanywithotherpeople,toleavethedirectroad,andmakealongcircuitbyamirylanetotheplacetowhichweweregoing。Ihavealsobeenseenattemptingtorideacrossamorass,whereIhadnobusinesswhatever,andinwhichmyhorsefinallysankuptoitssaddle-
girths,andwasonlyextricatedbythehelpofamultitudeofhands。Ihave,ofcourse,frequentlybeenaskedthereasonofsuchconduct,towhichIhaveinvariablyreturnednoanswer,forIscornduplicity;whereuponpeoplehavelookedmysteriously,andsometimesputtheirfingerstotheirforeheads。“Andyetitcan’tbe,“I
onceheardanoldgentlemansay;“don’tweknowwhatheiscapableof?“andtheoldmanwasright;Imerelydidthesethingstoavoidtheevilchance,impelledbythestrangefeelingwithinme;andthisevilchanceisinvariablyconnectedwithmywritings,theonlythingsatpresentwhichrenderlifevaluabletome。IfItouchvariousobjects,andrideintomiryplaces,itistobaffleanymischancebefallingmeasanauthor,topreventmybooksgettingintodisrepute;inninecasesoutoftentopreventanyexpressions,thoughts,orsituationsinanyworkwhichIamwritingfromresemblingthethoughts,expressions,andsituationsofotherauthors,formygreatwish,asItoldyoubefore,istobeoriginal。
’Ihavenowrelatedmyhistory,andhaverevealedtoyouthesecretsofmyinmostbosom。IshouldcertainlynothavespokensounreservedlyasIhavedone,hadInotdiscoveredinyouakindredspirit。Ihavelongwishedforanopportunityofdiscoursingonthepointwhichformsthepeculiarfeatureofmyhistorywithabeingwhocouldunderstandme;andtrulyitwasaluckychancewhichbroughtyoutotheseparts;youwhoseemtobeacquaintedwithallthingsstrangeandsingular,andwhoareaswellacquaintedwiththesubjectofthemagictouchaswithallthatrelatestothestarJupiterorthemysterioustreeatUpsal。’
Suchwasthestorywhichmyhostrelatedtomeinthelibrary,amidstthedarkness,occasionallybrokenbyflashesoflightning。
Bothofusremainedsilentforsometimeafteritwasconcluded。
’Itisasingularstory,’saidI,atlast,’thoughIconfessthatI
waspreparedforsomepartofit。Willyoupermitmetoaskyouaquestion?’
’Certainly,’saidmyhost。
’Didyouneverspeakinpublic?’saidI。
’Never。’
’Andwhenyoumadethisspeechofyoursinthedining-room,commencingwithMr。Speaker,noonewaspresent?’
’Noneintheworld,Idouble-lockedthedoor;whatdoyoumean?’
’Anideacameintomyhead-dearmehowtherainispouring-but,withrespecttoyourpresenttroublesandanxieties,woulditnotbewise,seeingthatauthorshipcausesyousomuchtroubleandanxiety,togiveitupaltogether?’
’Wereyouanauthoryourself,’repliedmyhost,’youwouldnottalkinthismanner;onceanauthor,everanauthor-besides,whatcouldIdo?returntomyformerstateofvegetation?no,muchasI
endure,Idonotwishthat;besides,everynowandthenmyreasontellsmethatthesetroublesandanxietiesofmineareutterlywithout;foundationthatwhateverIwriteisthelegitimategrowthofmyownmind,andthatitistheheightoffollytoafflictmyselfatanychanceresemblancebetweenmyownthoughtsandthoseofotherwriters,suchresemblancebeinginevitablefromthefactofourcommonhumanorigin。Inshort-’
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