ThescenesofactionlieintheBritishIslands；-praybenotdispleased，gentlereader，ifperchancethouhastimaginedthatI
　　wasabouttoconducttheetodistantlands，anddidstpromisethyselfmuchinstructionandentertainmentfromwhatImighttelltheeofthem。Idoassuretheethatthouhastnoreasontobedispleased，inasmuchastherearenocountriesintheworldlessknownbytheBritishthantheseselfsameBritishIslands，orwheremorestrangethingsareeverydayoccurring，whetherinroadorstreet，houseordingle。
　　Thetimeembracesnearlythefirstquarterofthepresentcentury：
　　thisinformationagainmay，perhaps，beanythingbutagreeabletothee；itisalongtimetorevertto，butfretnotthyself，manymatterswhichatpresentmuchoccupythepublicmindoriginatedinsomedegreetowardsthelatterendofthatperiod，andsomeofthemwillbetreatedof。
　　Theprincipalactorsinthisdream，ordrama，are，asyouwillhavegatheredfromthetitle-page，aScholar，aGypsy，andaPriest。
　　Shouldyouimaginethatthesethreeformone，permitmetoassureyouthatyouareverymuchmistaken。ShouldtherebesomethingoftheGypsymanifestintheScholar，thereiscertainlynothingofthePriest。WithrespecttotheGypsy-decidedlythemostentertainingcharacterofthethree-thereiscertainlynothingoftheScholarorthePriestinhim；andasforthePriest，thoughtheremaybesomethinginhimbothofscholarshipandgypsyism，neithertheScholarnortheGypsywouldfeelatallflatteredbybeingconfoundedwithhim。
　　Manycharacterswhichmaybecalledsubordinatewillbefound，anditisprobablethatsomeofthesecharacterswillaffordmuchmoreinteresttothereaderthanthosestyledtheprincipal。Thefavouriteswiththewriterareabraveoldsoldierandhishelpmate，anancientgentlewomanwhosoldapples，andastrangekindofwanderingmanandhiswife。
　　Amongstthemanythingsattemptedinthisbookistheencouragementofcharity，andfreeandgenialmanners，andtheexposureofhumbug，ofwhichtherearevariouskinds，butofwhichthemostperfidious，themostdebasing，andthemostcruel，isthehumbugofthePriest。
　　Yetletnoonethinkthatirreligionisadvocatedinthisbook。
　　WithrespecttoreligioustenetsIwishtoobservethatIamamemberoftheChurchofEngland，intowhosecommunionIwasbaptized，andtowhichmyforefathersbelonged。ItsbeingthereligioninwhichIwasbaptized，andofmyforefathers，wouldbeastronginducementtometoclingtoit；forIdonothappentobeoneofthosechoicespirits’whoturnfromtheirbannerwhenthebattlebearsstronglyagainstit，andgoovertotheenemy，’andwhoreceiveatfirstahuganda’viva，’andinthesequelcontemptandspittleintheface；butmychiefreasonforbelongingtoitis，because，ofallchurchescallingthemselvesChristianones，I
　　believethereisnonesogood，sowellfoundeduponScripture，orwhoseministersare，uponthewhole，soexemplaryintheirlivesandconversation，sowellreadinthebookfromwhichtheypreach，orsoversedingenerallearning，sousefulintheirimmediateneighbourhoods，orsounwillingtopersecutepeopleofotherdenominationsformattersofdoctrine。
　　InthecommunionofthisChurch，andwiththereligiousconsolationofitsministers，Iwishandhopetoliveanddie，andinitsandtheirdefencewillatalltimesbeready，ifrequired，tospeak，thoughhumbly，andtofight，thoughfeebly，againstenemies，whethercarnalorspiritual。
　　AndistherenopriestcraftintheChurchofEngland？Thereiscertainly，orrathertherewas，amodicumofpriestcraftintheChurchofEngland，butIhavegenerallyfoundthatthosewhoaremostvehementagainsttheChurchofEnglandarechieflydissatisfiedwithherbecausethereisonlyamodicumofthatarticleinher-wereshestuffedtotheverycupolawithit，likeacertainotherChurch，theywouldhavemuchlesstosayagainsttheChurchofEngland。
　　BytheotherChurch，ImeanRome。ItssystemwasonceprevalentinEngland，and，duringtheperiodthatitprevailedthere，wasmoreprolificofdebasementandcrimethanallothercausesunited。ThepeopleandthegovernmentatlastbecomingenlightenedbymeansoftheScripturespurneditfromtheislandwithdisgustandhorror，thelandinstantlyafteritsdisappearancebecomingafairfield，inwhicharts，sciences，andalltheamiablevirtuesflourished，insteadofbeingapestilentmarshwhereswine-likeignorancewallowed，andartfulhypocrites，likesomanyWills-o’-the-wisp，playedanticgambolsabout，around，andabovedebasedhumanity。
　　ButPoperystillwishedtoplayheroldpart，toregainherlostdominion，toreconvertthesmilinglandintothepestilentialmorass，whereshecouldplayagainheroldantics。FromtheperiodoftheReformationinEnglanduptothepresenttime，shehaskeptheremissarieshere，individualscontemptibleinintellect，itistrue，butcat-likeandgliding，who，atherbidding，haveendeavoured，asmuchasintheirpowerhaslain，todampandstifleeverygenial，honest，loyal，andindependentthought，andtoreducemindstosuchastateofdotageaswouldenabletheiroldPopishmothertodowhatshepleasedwiththem。
　　Andineverycountry，howeverenlightened，therearealwaysmindsinclinedtogrovellingsuperstition-mindsfondofeatingdustandswallowingclay-mindsneveratrest，savewhenprostratebeforesomefellowinasurplice；andthesePopishemissariesfoundalwayssomeweakenoughtobowdownbeforethem，astoundedbytheirdreadfuldenunciationsofeternalwoeanddamnationtoanywhoshouldrefusetobelievetheirRomania；buttheyplayedapoorgame-thelawprotectedtheservantsofScripture，andthepriestwithhisbeadsseldomventuredtoapproachanybuttheremnantofthoseoftheeikonolatry-representativesofworm-eatenhouses，theirdebaseddependants，andafewpoorcrazycreaturesamongstthemiddleclasses-heplayedapoorgame，andthelabourwasabouttoprovealmostentirelyinvain，whentheEnglishlegislature，incompassionorcontempt，or，yetmoreprobably，influencedbythatspiritoftolerationandkindnesswhichissomixedupwithProtestantism，removedalmostentirelythedisabilitiesunderwhichPoperylaboured，andenabledittoraiseitsheadandtospeakoutalmostwithoutfear。
　　Anditdidraiseitshead，and，thoughitspokewithsomelittlefearatfirst，soondiscardedeveryrelicofit；wentaboutthelandutteringitsdamnationcry，gatheringaroundit-andfordoingsomanythankstoit-thefavourersofpriestcraftwholurkedwithinthewallsoftheChurchofEngland；frighteningwiththeloudnessofitsvoicetheweak，thetimid，andtheailing；
　　perpetrating，wheneverithadanopportunity，thatspeciesofcrimetowhichithaseverbeenmostpartial-DEATHBEDROBBERY；forasitiscruel，soisitdastardly。Yes，itwentonenlisting，plundering，andutteringitsterriblethreatstill-tillitbecame，asitalwaysdoeswhenlefttoitself，afool，averyfool。
　　Itsplunderingsmighthavebeenoverlooked，andsomightitsinsolence，haditbeencommoninsolence，butit-，andthentheroarofindignationwhicharosefromoutragedEnglandagainsttheviper，thefrozenviper，whichithadpermittedtowarmitselfuponitsbosom。
　　Butthanks，Popery，youhavedoneallthatthefriendsofenlightenmentandreligiouslibertycouldwish；butifevertherewereasetoffoolishonestobefoundunderheaven，surelyitisthepriestlyrabblewhocameoverfromRometodirectthegrandmovement-solonginitsgettingup。
　　Butnowagainthedamnationcryiswithdrawn，thereisasubduedmeeknessinyourdemeanour，youarenowoncemoreharmlessasalamb。Well，weshallseehowthetrick-’theoldtrick’-willserveyou。
　　CHAPTERI
　　Birth-Myfather-Tamerlane-BenBrain-FrenchProtestants-
　　EastAnglia-Sorrowandtroubles-Truepeace-Abeautifulchild-Foreigngrave-Mirrors-Alpinecountry-Emblems-Slowofspeech-TheJew-Strangegestures。
　　ONaneveningofJuly，intheyear18-，atEastD-，abeautifullittletowninacertaindistrictofEastAnglia，Ifirstsawthelight。
　　MyfatherwasaCornishman，theyoungest，asIhaveheardhimsay，ofsevenbrothers。Hesprangfromafamilyofgentlemen，or，assomepeoplewouldcallthem，gentillatres，fortheywerenotverywealthy；theyhadacoatofarms，however，andlivedontheirownpropertyataplacecalledTredinnock，whichbeinginterpretedmeansTHEHOUSEONTHEHILL，whichhouseandtheneighbouringacreshadbeenfromtimeimmemorialintheirpossession。ImentiontheseparticularsthatthereadermayseeatoncethatIamnotaltogetheroflowandplebeianorigin；thepresentageishighlyaristocratic，andIamconvincedthatthepublicwillreadmypageswithmorezestfrombeingtoldthatIamagentillatrebybirthwithCornishbloodinmyveins，ofafamilywholivedontheirownpropertyataplacebearingaCelticname，signifyingthehouseonthehill，ormorestrictlythehouseontheHILLOCK。
　　Myfatherwaswhatisgenerallytermedaposthumouschild-inotherwords，thegentillatrewhobegothimneverhadthesatisfactionofinvokingtheblessingoftheFatherofAlluponhishead；havingdepartedthislifesomemonthsbeforethebirthofhisyoungestson。Theboy，therefore，neverknewafather’scare；hewas，however，welltendedbyhismother，whosefavouritehewas；somuchso，indeed，thathisbrethren，theyoungestofwhomwasconsiderablyolderthanhimself，wereratherjealousofhim。I
　　neverheard，however，thattheytreatedhimwithanymarkedunkindness，anditwillbeaswelltoobserveherethatIambynomeanswellacquaintedwithhisearlyhistory，ofwhich，indeed，asIamnotwritinghislife，itisnotnecessarytosaymuch。
　　Shortlyafterhismother’sdeath，whichoccurredwhenhewaseighteen，headoptedtheprofessionofarms，whichhefollowedduringtheremainderofhislife，andinwhich，hadcircumstancespermitted，hewouldprobablyhaveshoneamongstthebest。Bynaturehewascoolandcollected，slowtoanger，thoughperfectlyfearless，patientofcontrol，ofgreatstrength；and，tocrownall，apropermanwithhishands。
　　Withfarinferiorqualificationsmanyamanhasbecomeafield-
　　marshalorgeneral；similaronesmadeTamerlane，whowasnotagentillatre，butthesonofablacksmith，emperorofone-thirdoftheworld；buttheraceisnotalwaysfortheswift，northebattleforthestrong，indeedIoughtrathertosayveryseldom；certainitis，thatmyfather，withallhishighmilitaryqualifications，neverbecameemperor，field-marshal，orevengeneral：indeed，hehadneveranopportunityofdistinguishinghimselfsaveinonebattle，andthattookplaceneitherinFlanders，Egypt，noronthebanksoftheIndusorOxus，butinHydePark。
　　Smilenot，gentlereader，manyabattlehasbeenfoughtinHydePark，inwhichasmuchskill，science，andbraveryhavebeendisplayedaseverachievedavictoryinFlandersorbytheIndus。
　　InsuchacombatasthattowhichIallude，IopinethatevenWellingtonorNapoleonwouldhavebeenheartilygladtocryforquartererethelapseoffiveminutes，andeventheBlacksmithTartarwould，perhaps，haveshrunkfromtheopponentwithwhom，afterhavinghadadisputewithhim，myfatherengagedinsinglecombatforonehour，attheendofwhichtimethechampionsshookhandsandretired，eachhavingexperiencedquiteenoughoftheother’sprowess。Thenameofmyfather’santagonistwasBrain。
　　What!stillasmile？didyouneverhearthatnamebefore？Icannothelpit!HonourtoBrain，whofourmonthsaftertheeventwhichI
　　havenownarratedwaschampionofEngland，havingconqueredtheheroicJohnson。HonourtoBrain，who，attheendofotherfourmonths，wornoutbythedreadfulblowswhichhehadreceivedinhismanlycombats，expiredinthearmsofmyfather，whoreadtheBibletohiminhislattermoments-BigBenBrain。
　　Younolongersmile，evenYOUhaveheardofBigBen。