Hewassilentforalongtime。
`Howareyougoingaboutitforus?’hesaid。
`WewillseeifDuncanwillconsenttofigureasco-respondent:thenwemustgetCliffordtodivorceConnie:andyoumustgoonwithyourdivorce,andyoumustbothkeepaparttillyouarefree。’
`Soundslikealunaticasylum。’
`Possibly!Andtheworldwouldlookonyouaslunatics:orworse。;
`Whatisworse?’
`Criminals,Isuppose。’
`HopeIcanplungeinthedaggerafewmoretimesyet,’hesaid,grinning。
Thenhewassilent,andangry。
`Well!’hesaidatlast。`Iagreetoanything。Theworldisaravingidiot,andnomancankillit:thoughI’lldomybest。Butyoureright。
Wemustrescueourselvesasbestwecan。’
Helookedinhumiliation,anger,wearinessandmiseryatConnie。
`Malass!’hesaid。`Theworld’sgoin’toputsaltonthytail。’
`Notifwedon’tletit,’shesaid。
Shemindedthisconnivingagainsttheworldlessthanhedid。
Duncan,whenapproached,alsoinsistedonseeingthedelinquentgame-keeper,sotherewasadinner,thistimeinhisflat:thefourofthem。Duncanwasarathershort,broad,dark-skinned,taciturnHamletofafellowwithstraightblackhairandaweirdCelticconceitofhimself。Hisartwasalltubesandvalvesandspiralsandstrangecolours,ultra-modern,yetwithacertainpower,evenacertainpurityofformandtone:onlyMellorsthoughtitcruelandrepellent。Hedidnotventuretosayso,forDuncanwasalmostinsaneonthepointofhisart:itwasapersonalcult,apersonalreligionwithhim。
Theywerelookingatthepicturesinthestudio,andDuncankepthissmallishbrowneyesontheotherman。Hewantedtohearwhatthegame-keeperwouldsay。HeknewalreadyConnie’sandHilda’sopinions。
`Itislikeapurebitofmurder,’saidMellorsatlast;aspeechDuncanbynomeansexpectedfromagame-keeper。
`Andwhoismurdered?’askedHilda,rathercoldlyandsneeringly。
`Me!Itmurdersallthebowelsofcompassioninaman。’
Awaveofpurehatecameoutoftheartist。Heheardthenoteofdislikeintheotherman’svoice,andthenoteofcontempt。Andhehimselfloathedthementionofbowelsofcompassion。Sicklysentiment!
Mellorsstoodrathertallandthin,worn-looking,gazingwithflickeringdetachmentthatwassomethinglikethedancingofamothonthewing,atthepictures。
`Perhapsstupidityismurdered;sentimentalstupidity,’sneeredtheartist。
`Doyouthinkso?Ithinkallthesetubesandcorrugatedvibrationsarestupidenoughforanything,andprettysentimental。Theyshowalotofself-pityandanawfullotofnervousself-opinion,seemstome。’
Inanotherwaveofhatetheartist’sfacelookedyellow。Butwithasortofsilenthauteurheturnedthepicturestothewall。
`Ithinkwemaygotothedining-room,’hesaid。Andtheytrailedoff,dismally。
Aftercoffee,Duncansaid:
`Idon’tatallmindposingasthefatherofConnie’schild。Butonlyontheconditionthatshe’llcomeandposeasamodelforme。I’vewantedherforyears,andshe’salwaysrefused。’Heuttereditwiththedarkfinalityofaninquisitorannouncinganautodafe。
`Ah!’saidMellors。`Youonlydoitoncondition,then?’
`Quite!Ionlydoitonthatcondition。’Theartisttriedtoputtheutmostcontemptoftheotherpersonintohisspeech。Heputalittletoomuch。
`Betterhavemeasamodelatthesametime,’saidMellors。`Betterdousinagroup,VulcanandVenusunderthenetofart。Iusedtobeablacksmith,beforeIwasagame-keeper。’
`Thankyou,’saidtheartist。`Idon’tthinkVulcanhasafigurethatinterestsme。’
`Notevenifitwastubifiedandtitivatedup?’
Therewasnoanswer。Theartistwastoohaughtyforfurtherwords。
Itwasadismalparty,inwhichtheartisthenceforthsteadilyignoredthepresenceoftheotherman,andtalkedonlybriefly,asifthewordswerewrungoutofthedepthsofhisgloomyportentousness,tothewomen。
`Youdidn’tlikehim,buthe’sbetterthanthat,really。He’sreallykind,’Connieexplainedastheyleft。
`He’salittleblackpupwithacorrugateddistemper,’saidMellors。
`No,hewasn’tnicetoday。’
`Andwillyougoandbeamodeltohim?’
`Oh,Idon’treallymindanymore。Hewon’ttouchme。AndIdon’tmindanything,ifitpavesthewaytoalifetogetherforyouandme。’
`Buthe’llonlyshitonyouoncanvas。’
`Idon’tcare。He’llonlybepaintinghisownfeelingsforme,andI
don’tmindifhedoesthat。Iwouldn’thavehimtouchme,notforanything。
Butifhethinkshecandoanythingwithhisowlishartystaring,lethimstare。Hecanmakeasmanyemptytubesandcorrugationsoutofmeashelikes。It’shisfuneral。Hehatedyouforwhatyousaid:thathistubifiedartissentimentalandself-important。Butofcourseit’strue。’
Chapter19DearClifford,Iamafraidwhatyouforesawhashappened。I
amreallyinlovewithanotherman,anddohopeyouwilldivorceme。I
amstayingatpresentwithDuncanitshisflat。ItoldyouhewasatVenicewithus。I’mawfullyunhappyforyoursake:butdotrytotakeitquietly。
Youdon’treallyneedmeanymore,andIcan’tbeartocomebacktoWragby。
I’mawfullysorry。Butdotrytoforgiveme,anddivorcemeandfindsomeonebetter。I’mnotreallytherightpersonforyou,Iamtooimpatientandselfish,Isuppose。ButIcan’tevercomebacktolivewithyouagain。
AndIfeelsofrightfullysorryaboutitall,foryoursake。Butifyoudon’tletyourselfgetworkedup,you’llseeyouwon’tmindsofrightfully。
Youdidn’treallycareaboutmepersonally。Sodoforgivemeandgetridofme。
Cliffordwasnotinwardlysurprisedtogetthisletter。Inwardly,hehadknownforalongtimeshewasleavinghim。Buthehadabsolutelyrefusedanyoutwardadmissionofit。Therefore,outwardly,itcameasthemostterribleblowandshocktohim,Hehadkeptthesurfaceofhisconfidenceinherquiteserene。
Andthatishowweare,Bystrengthofwillwecutoffourinnerintuitiveknowledgefromadmittedconsciousness。Thiscausesastateofdread,orapprehension,whichmakestheblowtentimesworsewhenitdoesfall。
Cliffordwaslikeahystericalchild。HegaveMrsBoltonaterribleshock,sittingupinbedghastlyandblank。
`Why,SirClifford,whatever’sthematter?’
Noanswer!Shewasterrifiedlesthehadhadastroke。Shehurriedandfelthisface,tookhispulse。
`Isthereapain?Dotryandtellmewhereithurtsyou。Dotellme!’
Noanswer!
`Ohdear,ohdear!ThenI’lltelephonetoSheffieldforDrCarrington,andDrLeckymayaswellrunroundstraightaway。’
Shewasmovingtothedoor,whenhesaidinahollowtone:
`No!’
Shestoppedandgazedathim。Hisfacewasyellow,blank,andlikethefaceofanidiot。
`Doyoumeanyou’dratherIdidn’tfetchthedoctor?’
`Yes!Idon’twanthim,’camethesepulchralvoice。
`Oh,butSirClifford,you’reill,andIdaren’ttaketheresponsibility。
Imustsendforthedoctor,orIshallbeblamed。’
Apause:thenthehollowvoicesaid:
`I’mnotill。Mywifeisn’tcomingback。’——Itwasasifanimagespoke。
`Notcomingback?youmeanherladyship?’MrsBoltonmovedalittlenearertothebed。`Oh,don’tyoubelieveit。Youcantrustherladyshiptocomeback。’
Theimageinthebeddidnotchange,butitpushedaletteroverthecounterpane。
`Readit!’saidthesepulchralvoice。
`Why,ifit’saletterfromherladyship,I’msureherladyshipwouldn’twantmetoreadherlettertoyou,SirClifford。Youcantellmewhatshesays,ifyouwish。’
`Readit!’repeatedthevoice。
`Why,ifImust,Idoittoobeyyou,SirClifford,’shesaid。Andshereadtheletter。
`Well,Iamsurprisedatherladyship,’shesaid。`Shepromisedsofaithfullyshe’dcomeback!’
Thefaceinthebedseemedtodeepenitsexpressionofwild,butmotionlessdistraction。MrsBoltonlookedatitandwasworried。Sheknewwhatshewasupagainst:malehysteria。Shehadnotnursedsoldierswithoutlearningsomethingaboutthatveryunpleasantdisease。
ShewasalittleimpatientofSirClifford。Anymaninhissensesmusthaveknownhiswifewasinlovewithsomebodyelse,andwasgoingtoleavehim。Even,shewassure,SirCliffordwasinwardlyabsolutelyawareofit,onlyhewouldn’tadmitittohimself。Ifhewouldhaveadmittedit,andpreparedhimselfforit:orifhewouldhaveadmittedit,andactivelystruggledwithhiswifeagainstit:thatwouldhavebeenactinglikeaman。Butno!heknewit,andallthetimetriedtokidhimselfitwasn’tso。Hefeltthedeviltwistinghistail,andpretendeditwastheangelssmilingonhim。Thisstateoffalsityhadnowbroughtonthatcrisisoffalsityanddislocation,hysteria,whichisaformofinsanity。`Itcomes’,shethoughttoherself,hatinghimalittle,`becausehealwaysthinksofhimself。He’ssowrappedupinhisownimmortalself,thatwhenhedoesgetashockhe’slikeamummytangledinitsownbandages。Lookathim!’
Buthysteriaisdangerous:andshewasanurse,itwasherdutytopullhimout。Anyattempttorousehismanhoodandhispridewouldonlymakehimworse:forhismanhoodwasdead,temporarilyifnotfinally。Hewouldonlysquirmsofterandsofter,likeaworm,andbecomemoredislocated。
Theonlythingwastoreleasehisself-pity。LiketheladyinTennyson,hemustweeporhemustdie。
SoMrsBoltonbegantoweepfirst。Shecoveredherfacewithherhandandburstintolittlewildsobs。`Iwouldneverhavebelieveditofherladyship,Iwouldn’t!’shewept,suddenlysummoningupallheroldgriefandsenseofwoe,andweepingthetearsofherownbitterchagrin。Onceshestarted,herweepingwasgenuineenough,forshehadhadsomethingtoweepfor。
CliffordthoughtofthewayhehadbeenbetrayedbythewomanConnie,andinacontagionofgrief,tearsfilledhiseyesandbegantorundownhischeeks。Hewasweepingforhimself。MrsBolton,assoonasshesawthetearsrunningoverhisblankface,hastilywipedherownwetcheeksonherlittlehandkerchief,andleanedtowardshim。
`Now,don’tyoufret,SirClifford!’shesaid,inaluxuryofemotion。
`Now,don’tyoufret,don’t,you’llonlydoyourselfaninjury!’
Hisbodyshiveredsuddenlyinanindrawnbreathofsilentsobbing,andthetearsranquickerdownhisface。Shelaidherhandonhisarm,andherowntearsfellagain。Againtheshiverwentthroughhim,likeaconvulsion,andshelaidherarmroundhisshoulder。`There,there!There,there!Don’tyoufret,then,don’tyou!Don’tyoufret!’shemoanedtohim,whileherowntearsfell。Andshedrewhimtoher,andheldherarmsroundhisgreatshoulders,whilehelaidhisfaceonherbosomandsobbed,shakingandhulkinghishugeshoulders,whilstshesoftlystrokedhisdusky-blondhairandsaid:`There!There!There!Therethen!Therethen!Neveryoumind!
Neveryoumind,then!’
Andheputhisarmsroundherandclungtoherlikeachild,wettingthebibofherstarchedwhiteapron,andthebosomofherpale-bluecottondress,withhistears。Hehadlethimselfgoaltogether,atlast。
Soatlengthshekissedhim,androckedhimonherbosom,andinherheartshesaidtoherself:`Oh,SirClifford!Oh,highandmightyChatterleys!
Isthiswhatyou’vecomedownto!’Andfinallyheevenwenttosleep,likeachild。Andshefeltwornout,andwenttoherownroom,whereshelaughedandcriedatonce,withahysteriaofherown。Itwassoridiculous!Itwassoawful!Suchacome-down!Soshameful!Anditwassoupsettingaswell。
Afterthis,CliffordbecamelikeachildwithMrsBolton。Hewouldholdherh,andresthisheadonherbreast,andwhensheoncelightlykissedhim,hesaid!`Yes!Dokissme!Dokissme!’Andwhenshespongedhisgreatblondbody,hewouldsaythesame!`Dokissme!’andshewouldlightlykisshisbody,anywhere,halfinmockery。
Andhelaywithaqueer,blankfacelikeachild,withabitofthewondermentofachild。Andhewouldgazeonherwithwide,childisheyes,inarelaxationofmadonna-worship。Itwassheerrelaxationonhispart,lettinggoallhismanhood,andsinkingbacktoachildishpositionthatwasreallyperverse。Andthenhewouldputhishandintoherbosomandfeelherbreasts,andkisstheminexultation,theexultationofperversity,ofbeingachildwhenhewasaman。
MrsBoltonwasboththrilledandashamed,shebothlovedandhatedit。
Yetsheneverrebuffednorrebukedhim。Andtheydrewintoacloserphysicalintimacy,anintimacyofperversity,whenhewasachildstrickenwithanapparentcandourandanapparentwonderment,thatlookedalmostlikeareligiousexaltation:theperverseandliteralrenderingof:`exceptyebecomeagainasalittlechild’——WhileshewastheMagnaMater,fullofpowerandpotency,havingthegreatblondchild-manunderherwillandherstrokeentirely。
Thecuriousthingwasthatwhenthischild-man,whichCliffordwasnowandwhichhehadbeenbecomingforyears,emergedintotheworld,itwasmuchsharperandkeenerthantherealmanheusedtobe。Thispervertedchild-manwasnowarealbusiness-man;whenitwasaquestionofaffairs,hewasanabsolutehe-man,sharpasaneedle,andimperviousasabitofsteel。Whenhewasoutamongmen,seekinghisownends,and`makinggood’hiscollieryworkings,hehadanalmostuncannyshrewdness,hardness,andastraightsharppunch。ItwasasifhisverypassivityandprostitutiontotheMagnaMatergavehiminsightintomaterialbusinessaffairs,andlenthimacertainremarkableinhumanforce。Thewallowinginprivateemotion,theutterabasementofhismanlyself,seemedtolendhimasecondnature,cold,almostvisionary,business-clever。Inbusinesshewasquiteinhuman。
AndinthisMrsBoltontriumphed。`Howhe’sgettingon!’shewouldsaytoherselfinpride。`Andthat’smydoing!Myword,he’dneverhavegotonlikethiswithLadyChatterley。Shewasnottheonetoputamanforward。
Shewantedtoomuchforherself。’
Atthesametime,insomecornerofherweirdfemalesoul,howshedespisedhimandhatedhim!Hewastoherthefallenbeast,thesquirmingmonster。
Andwhilesheaidedandabettedhimallshecould,awayintheremotestcornerofherancienthealthywomanhoodshedespisedhimwithasavagecontemptthatknewnobounds。Themeresttrampwasbetterthanhe。
HisbehaviourwithregardtoConniewascurious。Heinsistedonseeingheragain。Heinsisted,moreover,onhercomingtoWragby。Onthispointhewasfinallyandabsolutelyfixed。ConniehadpromisedtocomebacktoWragby,faithfully。