gaintheimpressionthatthepairofusaresittingplungedinavoidofdarknesswherelifedoesnotexist,yetwherewearedestinedtobeginlife。
“However,themanwasalibertineandadrunkard,andmanyariotousnightdidhespendwithhiscroniesintheporter’slodgeoftheconvent。Also,hetriedtoarouseasimilartasteinmyself;andthoughforatimeIresistedthetendency,Iatlength,onhistakingtobeatingme,yielded。Onlyforoneman,however,hadIreallyaliking;andwithhimitwas,andnotwithmyhusband,thatIfirstlearntthemeaningofspousehood……
Unfortunately,myloverhimselfwasmarried;andintimehiswifecametohearofme,andprocuredmyhusband’sdismissal。Thechiefreasonwasthatthelady,apersonofgreatwealth,washerselfhandsome,albeitstout,anddidnotcaretoseeherplaceassumedbyanobody。Next,myhusbanddiedofdrink;andasmyfatherhadlongbeendead,andIfoundmyselfalone,Iwenttoseeandconsultmystepmother。Allthatshesaid,however,was:
’Whycometome?Goandthinkthingsoutforyourself。’AndItoothenreflected:’Yes,whyshouldIhavegonetoher?’andrepairedtotheconvent。Yeteventherethereseemedtobenoplaceleftforme,andeventuallyoldMotherTaisia,whohadoncebeenmygoverness,said:’Tatiana,doyoureturntotheworld,forthere,andonlythere,willyouhaveachanceofhappiness。
SototheworldIreturned——andstillamroamingit。“
“Yourquestofhappinessisnotfollowinganeasyroad!“
“Itisfollowingtheroadthatitbestcan。“
Bynowthedarknesshasceasedtokeepspreadoverus,asitwere,thestretchedwebofaheavycurtain,buthasgrownthinnerandmoretransparentwiththetension,savethat,inplacesforinstance,inthewindowofthehut,itstillliesinthickfoldsorclotsasitpeersatuswithitssightlesseyes。
Overthehummock-likeroofsofthehutsrisethechurch’ssteepleandthepoplartrees;whilehitherandthitheronthewallofthehut,thecracksandholesinthecrumblingplasterhavecausedthewalltoresemblethemapofanunknowncountry。
Glancingatthewoman’sdarkeyes,Iperceivethemtobeshiningaspensively,innocentlyastheeyesofayoungmaiden。
“Youareindeedacuriouswoman!“Iremark。
“PerhapsIam,“sherepliesasshemoistensherlipswithaslender,almostfelinetongue。
“Whatareyoureallyseeking?“
“Ihaveconsideredthematter,andknow,atlast,mymind。Itisthis:Ihopesomedaytofallinwithagoodmuzhikwithwhomtogoinsearchofland。Probablylandofthekind,Imean,istobefoundintheneighbourhoodofNewAthos,[AmonasteryintheCaucasus,builtonthereputedsiteofacavetenantedbySimeontheCanaanite]forIhavebeentherealready,andknowofalikelyspotforthepurpose。Andthereweshallsetourplaceinorder,andlayoutagardenandanorchard,andprepareasmuchploughlandaswemayneedforourworking。“
Herwordsarenowfirmer,moreassured。
“Andwhenwehaveputeverythinginorder,otherfolkmayjoinus;andthen,astheoldestsettlersintheplace,weshallholdthepositionofhonour。Andthusthingswillcontinueuntilanewvillage,reallyafinesettlement,willhavebecomeformed——asettlementofwhichmyhusbandwillbeselectedthewardenuntilsuchtimeasIshallhavemadeofhimabarin[Gentlemanorsquire]outright。Also,childrenmayonedayplayinthatgarden,andasummer-housebebuiltthere。Ah,howdelightfulsuchalifeappears!“
Infact,shehasplannedoutthefuturesothoroughlythatalreadyshecandescribethenewestablishmentinasmuchdetailasthoughshehaslongbeenaresidentinit。
“Yes,Iyearnindeedforanicehome!“shecontinues。“Ohthatsuchahomecouldfalltomylot!Butthefirstrequisite,ofcourse,isamuzhik。“
Hergentlefaceandeyespeerintothewaningnightasthoughtheyaspiretocaresseverythinguponwhichtheymaylight。
AndallthewhileIamfeelingsorryforher——sorryalmosttotears。ToconcealthefactImurmur:
“ShouldImyselfsuityou?“
Shegivesafaintlaugh。
“No。“
“Whynot?“
“Becausetheideasinyourmindaredifferentfrommine。“
“Howdoyouknowwhatmyideasare?“
Sheedgesawayfrommealittle,thensaysdrily:
“BecauseIcanseetheminyoureyes。Tobeplain,Icouldneverconsent。“
Withafingertappinguponthemouldy,gnarledoldoakenstumponwhichwearesitting,sheadds:
“TheCossacks,forinstance,livecomfortablyenough;yetIdonotlikethem。“
“Whatinthemisitthatdispleasesyou?“
“Somehowtheyrepelme。True,muchofeverythingistheirs;yetalsotheyhavewayswhichalienateme。“
Unableanylongertoconcealfromhermypity,Isaygently:
“Never,Ifear,willyoudiscoverwhatyouareseeking。“
Sheshakesherheadprotestingly。
“Andneveroughtawomantobediscouraged,“sheretorts。
“Woman’sproperroundistowishforachild,andtonurseit,and,whenithasbeenweaned,togetherselfreadytohaveanotherone。Thatishowwomanshouldlive。Sheshouldliveaspassspringandsummer,autumnandwinter。“
Ifinditapleasuretowatchtheplayofthewoman’sintellectualfeatures;andthough,also,Ilongtotakeherinmyarms,Ifeelthatmybetterplanwillbetoseekoncemorethequiet,emptysteppe,and,bearinginmetherecollectionofthiswoman,toresumemylonelyjourneytowardstheregionwherethesilverwallofthemountainsmergeswiththesky,andthedarkravinesgapeatthesteppewiththeirchillyjaws。Atthemoment,however,Icannotsodo,fortheCossackshavetemporarilydeprivedmeofmypassport。
“Whatareyouyourselfseeking?“sheaskssuddenlyasagainsheedgestowardsme。
“Simplynothing。Myonedesireistoobservehowfolklive。“
“Andareyoutravellingalone?“
“Iam。“
“EvenasamI。OhGod,howmanylonelypeoplethereareintheworld!“
Bythistimethecattleareawakeningfromslumber,and,withtheirsoftlowings,remindingoneofapipewhichIusedtohearplayedbyacertainblindoldman。Next,fourtimes,withunsteadytouch,thedrowsywatchmanstrikeshisgong——twicesoftly,oncewithavigourthatclangsthemetalagain,andafourthtimewithameretapoftheironhammeragainstthecopperplate。
“Whatsortoflivesdothemajorityoffolklead?“
“Sorrylives。“
“Yes,thatiswhatItoohavefound。“
Apausefollows。Thenthewomansaysquietly:
“See,dawnisbreaking,yetneverthisnighthavemyeyesclosed。OftenIamlikethat;oftenIkeepthinkingandthinkinguntilIseemtobetheonlyhumanbeingintheworld,andtheonlyhumanbeingdestinedtore-orderit。“
“Manyfolkliveunworthylives。Theylivethemamiddiscord,abasement,andwrongsinnumerable,wrongsbornofwantandstupidity。“
AndasthewordsleavemylipsmymindlosesitselfinrecollectionsofallthedarkandharrowingandshamefulscenesthatIhavebeheld。
“Listen,“Isay。“Youmayapproachamanwithnothingbutgoodinyourheart,andbepreparedtosurrenderbothyourfreedomandyourstrength;yetstillhemayfailtounderstandyouaright。
Andhowshallhebeblamedforthis,seeingthatnevermayhehavebeenshownwhatisgood?“
Shelaysahanduponmyshoulder,andlooksstraightintomyeyesasshepartshercomelylips。
“True,“sherejoins——“But,dearfriend,itisalsotruethatgoodnessneverbargains。“
TogethersheandIseemtobedriftingtowardsavistawhichiscomingtolook,asitsloughstheshadowofnight,everclearerandclearer。Itisavistaofwhitehuts,silverytrees,aredchurch,anddew-bespangledearth。Andasthesunrisesherevealstousclustered,transparentcloudswhich,likethousandsofsnow-whitebirds,goglidingoverourheads。
“Yes,“shewhispersagainasgentlyshegivesmeanudge。“Asonepursuesone’slonelywayonethinksandthinks——butofwhat?Dearfriend,youhavesaidthatnoonereallycareswhatisthematter。Ah,HOWtruethatis!“
Hereshespringstoherfeet,and,pullingmeupwithher,gluesherselftomybreastwithavehemencewhichcausesmemomentarilytopushheraway。Uponthis,burstingintotears,shetendstowardsmeagain,andkissesmewithlipssodryasalmosttocutme——shekissesmeinawaywhichpenetratestomyverysoul。
第40章