If,seeingnobodyinthehouse,I
hadtakenanyofthemupinmyhanditcouldnotbeconcluded
thatIintendedtostealthem,forthatInevercarriedthem
fartherthanthedoortolookonthemwiththebetterlight。
TheCourtwouldnotallowthatbyanymeans,andmadea
kindofajestofmyintendingtobuythegoods,thatbeingno
shopforthesellingofanything,andastocarryingthemtothe
doortolookatthem,themaidsmadetheirimpudentmocks
uponthat,andspenttheirwituponitverymuch;toldthe
CourtIhadlookedatthemsufficiently,andapprovedthem
verywell,forIhadpackedthemupundermyclothes,and
wasa-goingwiththem。
Inshort,Iwasfoundguiltyoffelony,butacquittedofthe
burglary,whichwasbutsmallcomforttome,thefirstbringing
metoasentenceofdeath,andthelastwouldhavedoneno
more。
ThenextdayIwascarrieddowntoreceivethedreadful
sentence,andwhentheycametoaskmewhatIhadtosay
whysentenceshouldnotpass,Istoodmuteawhile,but
somebodythatstoodbehindmepromptedmealoudtospeak
tothejudges,forthattheycouldrepresentthingsfavourably
forme。
Thisencouragedmetospeak,andItoldthemIhad
nothingtosaytostopthesentence,butthatIhadmuchtosay
tobespeakthemercyoftheCourt;thatIhopedtheywould
allowsomethinginsuchacaseforthecircumstancesofit;
thatIhadbrokennodoors,hadcarriednothingoff;that
nobodyhadlostanything;thatthepersonwhosegoodsthey
werewaspleasedtosayhedesiredmercymightbeshown
whichindeedheveryhonestlydid;that,attheworst,itwas
thefirstoffence,andthatIhadneverbeenbeforeanycourt
ofjusticebefore;and,inaword,Ispokewithmorecourage
thatIthoughtIcouldhavedone,andinsuchamovingtone,
andthoughwithtears,yetnotsomanytearsastoobstructmy
speech,thatIcouldseeitmovedotherstotearsthatheardme。
Thejudgessatgraveandmute,gavemeaneasyhearing,and
timetosayallthatIwould,but,sayingneitherYesnorNoto
it,pronouncedthesentenceofdeathuponme,asentencethat
wastomelikedeathitself,which,afteritwasread,confounded
me。
Ihadnomorespiritleftinme,Ihadnotonguetospeak,
oreyestolookupeithertoGodorman。
Mypoorgovernesswasutterlydisconsolate,andshethatwas
mycomforterbefore,wantedcomfortnowherself;andsometimes
mourning,sometimesraging,wasasmuchoutofherself,asto
alloutwardappearance,asanymadwomaninBedlam。
Nor
wassheonlydisconsolateastome,butshewasstruckwith
horroratthesenseofherownwickedlife,andbegantolook
backuponitwithatastequitedifferentfrommine,forshe
waspenitenttothehighestdegreeforhersins,aswellas
sorrowfulforthemisfortune。
Shesentforaminister,too,a
serious,pious,goodman,andappliedherselfwithsuch
earnestness,byhisassistance,totheworkofasincererepentance,
thatIbelieve,andsodidtheministertoo,thatshewasatrue
penitent;and,whichisstillmore,shewasnotonlysoforthe
occasion,andatthatjuncture,butshecontinuedso,asIwas
informed,tothedayofherdeath。
Itisrathertobethoughtofthanexpressedwhatwasnowmy
condition。
Ihadnothingbeforemebutpresentdeath;andas
Ihadnofriendstoassistme,ortostirforme,Iexpected
nothingbuttofindmynameinthedeadwarrant,whichwas
tocomedownfortheexecution,theFridayafterwards,offive
moreandmyself。
Inthemeantimemypoordistressedgovernesssentmea
minister,whoatherrequestfirst,andatmyownafterwards,
cametovisitme。
Heexhortedmeseriouslytorepentofall
mysins,andtodallynolongerwithmysoul;notflattering
myselfwithhopesoflife,which,hesaid,hewasinformed
therewasnoroomtoexpect,butunfeignedlytolookupto
Godwithmywholesoul,andtocryforpardoninthename
ofJesusChrist。
Hebackedhisdiscourseswithproperquotations
ofScripture,encouragingthegreatestsinnertorepent,andturn
fromtheirevilway,andwhenhehaddone,hekneeleddown
andprayedwithme。
Itwasnowthat,forthefirsttime,Ifeltanyrealsignsof
repentance。
Inowbegantolookbackuponmypastlifewith
abhorrence,andhavingakindofviewintotheothersideof
time,andthingsoflife,asIbelievetheydowitheverybody
atsuchatime,begantolookwithadifferentaspect,andquite
anothershape,thantheydidbefore。
Thegreatestandbest
things,theviewsoffelicity,thejoy,thegriefsoflife,were
quiteotherthings;andIhadnothinginmythoughtsbutwhat
wassoinfinitelysuperiortowhatIhadknowninlife,thatit
appearedtometobethegreateststupidityinnaturetolay
anyweightuponanything,thoughthemostvaluableinthis
world。
Thewordeternityrepresenteditselfwithallitsincomprehensible
additions,andIhadsuchextendednotionsofit,thatIknow
nothowtoexpressthem。
Amongtherest,howvile,howgross,
howabsurddideverypleasantthinglook!——Imean,thatwe
hadcountedpleasantbefore——especiallywhenIreflectedthat
thesesordidtrifleswerethethingsforwhichweforfeited
eternalfelicity。
Withthesereflectionscame,ofmerecourse,severereproaches
ofmyownmindformywretchedbehaviourinmypastlife;
thatIhadforfeitedallhopeofanyhappinessintheeternity
thatIwasjustgoingtoenterinto,andonthecontrarywas
entitledtoallthatwasmiserable,orhadbeenconceivedof
misery;andallthiswiththefrightfuladditionofitsbeing
alsoeternal。
Iamnotcapableofreadinglecturesofinstructiontoanybody,
butIrelatethisintheverymannerinwhichthingsthen
appearedtome,asfarasIamable,butinfinitelyshortofthe
livelyimpressionswhichtheymadeonmysoulatthattime;
indeed,thoseimpressionsarenottobeexplainedbywords,
oriftheyare,Iamnotmistressofwordsenoughtoexpress
them。
Itmustbetheworkofeverysoberreadertomakejust
reflectionsonthem,astheirowncircumstancesmaydirect;
and,withoutquestion,thisiswhateveryoneatsometimeor
othermayfeelsomethingof;Imean,aclearersightintothings
tocomethantheyhadhere,andadarkviewoftheirown
concerninthem。
ButIgobacktomyowncase。
Theministerpressedmeto
tellhim,asfarasIthoughconvenient,inwhatstateIfound
myselfastothesightIhadofthingsbeyondlife。
Hetoldme
hedidnotcomeasordinaryoftheplace,whosebusinessit
istoextortconfessionsfromprisoners,forprivateends,or
forthefurtherdetectingofotheroffenders;thathisbusiness
wastomovemetosuchfreedomofdiscourseasmightserve
todisburthenmyownmind,andfurnishhimtoadminister
comforttomeasfaraswasinhispower;andassuredme,
thatwhateverIsaidtohimshouldremainwithhim,andbe
asmuchasecretasifitwasknownonlytoGodandmyself;
andthathedesiredtoknownothingofme,butasaboveto
qualifyhimtoapplyproperadviceandassistancetome,and
topraytoGodforme。
Thishonest,friendlywayoftreatingmeunlockedallthe
sluicesofmypassions。
Hebrokeintomyverysoulbyit;and
Iunravelledallthewickednessofmylifetohim。Inaword,I
gavehimanabridgmentofthiswholehistory;Igavehima
pictureofmyconductforfiftyyearsinminiature。
Ihidnothingfromhim,andheinreturnexhortedmetosincere
repentance,explainedtomewhathemeantbyrepentance,and
thendrewoutsuchaschemeofinfinitemercy,proclaimed
fromheaventosinnersofthegreatestmagnitude,thatheleft
menothingtosay,thatlookedlikedespair,ordoubtingof
beingaccepted;andinthisconditionheleftmethefirstnight。
Hevisitedmeagainthenextmorning,andwentonwithhis
methodofexplainingthetermsofdivinemercy,which
accordingtohimconsistedofnothingmore,ormoredifficult,
thanthatofbeingsincerelydesirousofit,andwillingtoaccept
it;onlyasincereregretfor,andhatredof,thosethingsIhad
done,whichrenderedmesojustanobjectofdivinevengeance。
Iamnotabletorepeattheexcellentdiscoursesofthis
extraordinaryman;’tisallthatIamabletodo,tosaythathe
revivedmyheart,andbroughtmeintosuchaconditionthat
Ineverknewanythingofinmylifebefore。
Iwascovered
withshameandtearsforthingspast,andyethadatthesame
timeasecretsurprisingjoyattheprospectofbeingatrue
penitent,andobtainingthecomfortofapenitent——Imean,the
hopeofbeingforgiven;andsoswiftdidthoughtscirculate,
andsohighdidtheimpressionstheyhadmadeuponmerun,
thatIthoughtIcouldfreelyhavegoneoutthatminuteto
execution,withoutanyuneasinessatall,castingmysoul
entirelyintothearmsofinfinitemercyasapenitent。
Thegoodgentlemanwassomovedalsoinmybehalfwitha
viewoftheinfluencewhichhesawthesethingshadonme,
thatheblessedGodhehadcometovisitme,andresolvednot
toleavemetillthelastmoment;thatis,nottoleavevisitingme。
Itwasnolessthantwelvedaysafterourreceivingsentence
beforeanywereorderedforexecution,andthenupona
Wednesdaythedeadwarrant,astheycallit,camedown,and
Ifoundmynamewasamongthem。
Aterribleblowthiswas
tomynewresolutions;indeedmyheartsankwithinme,and
Iswoonedawaytwice,oneafteranother,butspokenotaword。
Thegoodministerwassorelyafflictedforme,anddidwhathe
couldtocomfortmewiththesamearguments,andthesame
movingeloquencethathedidbefore,andleftmenotthat
eveningsolongastheprisonkeeperswouldsufferhimtostay
intheprison,unlesshewouldbelockedupwithmeallnight,
whichhewasnotwillingtobe。
IwonderedmuchthatIdidnotseehimallthenextday,it
beingthedaybeforethetimeappointedforexecution;andI
wasgreatlydiscouraged,anddejectedinmymind,andindeed
almostsankforwantofthecomfortwhichhehadsooften,
andwithsuchsuccess,yieldedmeonhisformervisits。
第60章