VanityFair！Thismighthavebeen，butforyou，acheerylass——PeterButtandRoseahappymanandwife，inasnugfarm，withaheartyfamily；andanhonestportionofpleasures，cares，hopesandstruggles——butatitleandacoachandfouraretoysmorepreciousthanhappinessinVanityFair：andifHarrytheEighthorBluebeardwerealivenow，andwantedatenthwife，doyousupposehecouldnotgettheprettiestgirlthatshallbepresentedthisseason？
　　Thelanguiddulnessoftheirmammadidnot，asitmaybesupposed，awakenmuchaffectioninherlittledaughters，buttheywereveryhappyintheservants’hallandinthestables；andtheScotchgardenerhavingluckilyagoodwifeandsomegoodchildren，theygotalittlewholesomesocietyandinstructioninhislodge，whichwastheonlyeducationbestoweduponthemuntilMissSharpcame。
　　HerengagementwasowingtotheremonstrancesofMr。PittCrawley，theonlyfriendorprotectorLadyCrawleyeverhad，andtheonlyperson，besidesherchildren，forwhomsheentertainedalittlefeebleattachment。Mr。PitttookafterthenobleBinkies，fromwhomhewasdescended，andwasaverypoliteandpropergentleman。Whenhegrewtoman’sestate，andcamebackfromChristchurch，hebegantoreformtheslackeneddisciplineofthehall，inspiteofhisfather，whostoodinaweofhim。Hewasamanofsuchrigidrefinement，thathewouldhavestarvedratherthanhavedinedwithoutawhiteneckcloth。Once，whenjustfromcollege，andwhenHorrocksthebutlerbroughthimaletterwithoutplacingitpreviouslyonatray，hegavethatdomesticalook，andadministeredtohimaspeechsocutting，thatHorrockseveraftertrembledbeforehim；
　　thewholehouseholdbowedtohim：LadyCrawley’scurl-
　　paperscameoffearlierwhenhewasathome：SirPitt’smuddygaitersdisappeared；andifthatincorrigibleoldmanstilladheredtootheroldhabits，heneverfuddledhimselfwithrum-and-waterinhisson’spresence，andonlytalkedtohisservantsinaveryreservedandpolitemanner；andthosepersonsremarkedthatSirPittneversworeatLadyCrawleywhilehissonwasintheroom。
　　Itwashewhotaughtthebutlertosay，“Myladyisserved。”andwhoinsistedonhandingherladyshipintodinner。Heseldomspoketoher，butwhenhediditwaswiththemostpowerfulrespect；andheneverletherquittheapartmentwithoutrisinginthemoststatelymannertoopenthedoor，andmakinganelegantbowatheregress。
　　AtEtonhewascalledMissCrawley；andthere，I
　　amsorrytosay，hisyoungerbrotherRawdonusedtolickhimviolently。Butthoughhispartswerenotbrilliant，hemadeupforhislackoftalentbymeritoriousindustry，andwasneverknown，duringeightyearsatschool，tobesubjecttothatpunishmentwhichitisgenerallythoughtnonebutacherubcanescape。
　　Atcollegehiscareerwasofcoursehighlycreditable。
　　Andherehepreparedhimselfforpubliclife，intowhichhewastobeintroducedbythepatronageofhisgrandfather，LordBinkie，bystudyingtheancientandmodernoratorswithgreatassiduity，andbyspeakingunceasinglyatthedebatingsocieties。Butthoughhehadafinefluxofwords，anddeliveredhislittlevoicewithgreatpomposityandpleasuretohimself，andneveradvancedanysentimentoropinionwhichwasnotperfectlytriteandstale，andsupportedbyaLatinquotation；yethefailedsomehow，inspiteofamediocritywhichoughttohaveinsuredanymanasuccess。Hedidnotevengettheprizepoem，whichallhisfriendssaidhewassureof。
　　AfterleavingcollegehebecamePrivateSecretarytoLordBinkie，andwasthenappointedAttachetotheLegationatPumpernickel，whichposthefilledwithperfecthonour，andbroughthomedespatches，consistingofStrasburgpie，totheForeignMinisteroftheday。AfterremainingtenyearsAttacheseveralyearsafterthelamentedLordBinkie’sdemise，andfindingtheadvancementslow，heatlengthgaveupthediplomaticserviceinsomedisgust，andbegantoturncountrygentleman。
　　HewroteapamphletonMaltonreturningtoEnglandforhewasanambitiousman，andalwayslikedtobebeforethepublic，andtookastrongpartintheNegroEmancipationquestion。ThenhebecameafriendofMr。Wilberforce’s，whosepoliticsheadmired，andhadthatfamouscorrespondencewiththeReverendSilasHornblower，ontheAshanteeMission。HewasinLondon，ifnotfortheParliamentsession，atleastinMay，forthereligiousmeetings。Inthecountryhewasamagistrate，andanactivevisitorandspeakeramongthosedestituteofreligiousinstruction。HewassaidtobepayinghisaddressestoLadyJaneSheepshanks，LordSouthdown’sthirddaughter，andwhosesister，LadyEmily，wrotethosesweettracts，“TheSailor’sTrueBinnacle。”
　　and“TheApplewomanofFinchleyCommon。”
　　MissSharp’saccountsofhisemploymentatQueen’sCrawleywerenotcaricatures。Hesubjectedtheservantstheretothedevotionalexercisesbeforementioned，inwhichandsomuchthebetterhebroughthisfathertojoin。HepatronisedanIndependentmeeting-houseinCrawleyparish，muchtotheindignationofhisuncletheRector，andtotheconsequentdelightofSirPitt，whowasinducedtogohimselfonceortwice，whichoccasionedsomeviolentsermonsatCrawleyparishchurch，directedpoint-blankattheBaronet’soldGothicpewthere。HonestSirPitt，however，didnotfeeltheforceofthesediscourses，ashealwaystookhisnapduringsermon-time。
　　Mr。Crawleywasveryearnest，forthegoodofthenationandoftheChristianworld，thattheoldgentlemanshouldyieldhimuphisplaceinParliament；butthistheelderconstantlyrefusedtodo。BothwereofcoursetooprudenttogiveupthefifteenhundredayearwhichwasbroughtinbythesecondseatatthisperiodfilledbyMr。Quadroon，withcarteblancheontheSlavequestion；
　　indeedthefamilyestatewasmuchembarrassed，andtheincomedrawnfromtheboroughwasofgreatusetothehouseofQueen’sCrawley。
　　IthadneverrecoveredtheheavyfineimposeduponWalpoleCrawley，firstbaronet，forpeculationintheTapeandSealingWaxOffice。SirWalpolewasajollyfellow，eagertoseizeandtospendmoneyalieniappetens，suiprofusus，asMr。Crawleywouldremarkwithasigh，andinhisdaybelovedbyallthecountyfortheconstantdrunkennessandhospitalitywhichwasmaintainedatQueen’sCrawley。Thecellarswerefilledwithburgundythen，thekennelswithhounds，andthestableswithgallanthunters；now，suchhorsesasQueen’sCrawleypossessedwenttoplough，orranintheTrafalgarCoach；
　　anditwaswithateamoftheseveryhorses，onanoff-
　　day，thatMissSharpwasbroughttotheHall；forboorashewas，SirPittwasasticklerforhisdignitywhileathome，andseldomdroveoutbutwithfourhorses，andthoughhedinedoffboiledmutton，hadalwaysthreefootmentoserveit。
　　Ifmereparsimonycouldhavemadeamanrich，SirPittCrawleymighthavebecomeverywealthy——ifhehadbeenanattorneyinacountrytown，withnocapitalbuthisbrains，itisverypossiblethathewouldhaveturnedthemtogoodaccount，andmighthaveachievedforhimselfaveryconsiderableinfluenceandcompetency。
　　Buthewasunluckilyendowedwithagoodnameandalargethoughencumberedestate，bothofwhichwentrathertoinjurethantoadvancehim。Hehadatasteforlaw，whichcosthimmanythousandsyearly；
　　andbeingagreatdealtooclevertoberobbed，ashesaid，byanysingleagent，allowedhisaffairstobemismanagedbyadozen，whomheallequallymistrusted。
　　Hewassuchasharplandlord，thathecouldhardlyfindanybutbankrupttenants；andsuchaclosefarmer，astogrudgealmosttheseedtotheground，whereuponrevengefulNaturegrudgedhimthecropswhichshegrantedtomoreliberalhusbandmen。Hespeculatedineverypossibleway；heworkedmines；boughtcanal-shares；
　　horsedcoaches；tookgovernmentcontracts，andwasthebusiestmanandmagistrateofhiscounty。Ashewouldnotpayhonestagentsathisgranitequarry，hehadthesatisfactionoffindingthatfouroverseersranaway，andtookfortuneswiththemtoAmerica。Forwantofproperprecautions，hiscoal-minesfilledwithwater：
　　thegovernmentflunghiscontractofdamagedbeefuponhishands：andforhiscoach-horses，everymailproprietorinthekingdomknewthathelostmorehorsesthananymaninthecountry，fromunderfeedingandbuyingcheap。
　　Indispositionhewassociable，andfarfrombeingproud；
　　nay，heratherpreferredthesocietyofafarmerorahorse-dealertothatofagentleman，likemylord，hisson：hewasfondofdrink，ofswearing，ofjokingwiththefarmers’daughters：hewasneverknowntogiveawayashillingortodoagoodaction，butwasofapleasant，sly，laughingmood，andwouldcuthisjokeanddrinkhisglasswithatenantandsellhimupthenextday；
　　orhavehislaughwiththepoacherhewastransportingwithequalgoodhumour。HispolitenessforthefairsexhasalreadybeenhintedatbyMissRebeccaSharp——inaword，thewholebaronetage，peerage，commonageofEngland，didnotcontainamorecunning，mean，selfish，foolish，disreputableoldman。Thatblood-redhandofSirPittCrawley’swouldbeinanybody’spocketexcepthisown；anditiswithgriefandpain，that，asadmirersoftheBritisharistocracy，wefindourselvesobligedtoadmittheexistenceofsomanyillqualitiesinapersonwhosenameisinDebrett。
　　OnegreatcausewhyMr。Crawleyhadsuchaholdovertheaffectionsofhisfather，resultedfrommoneyarrangements。TheBaronetowedhissonasumofmoneyoutofthejointureofhismother，whichhedidnotfinditconvenienttopay；indeedhehadanalmostinvinciblerepugnancetopayinganybody，andcouldonlybebroughtbyforcetodischargehisdebts。MissSharpcalculatedforshebecame，asweshallhearspeedily，inductedintomostofthesecretsofthefamilythatthemerepaymentofhiscreditorscostthehonourableBaronetseveralhundredsyearly；butthiswasadelighthecouldnotforego；hehadasavagepleasureinmakingthepoorwretcheswait，andinshiftingfromcourttocourtandfromtermtotermtheperiodofsatisfaction。What’sthegoodofbeinginParliament，hesaid，ifyoumustpayyourdebts？Hence，indeed，hispositionasasenatorwasnotalittleusefultohim。
　　VanityFair——VanityFair！Herewasaman，whocouldnotspell，anddidnotcaretoread——whohadthehabitsandthecunningofaboor：whoseaiminlifewaspettifogging：whoneverhadataste，oremotion，orenjoyment，butwhatwassordidandfoul；andyethehadrank，andhonours，andpower，somehow：andwasadignitaryoftheland，andapillarofthestate。Hewashighsheriff，androdeinagoldencoach。Greatministersandstatesmencourtedhim；andinVanityFairhehadahigherplacethanthemostbrilliantgeniusorspotlessvirtue。
　　SirPitthadanunmarriedhalf-sisterwhoinheritedhermother’slargefortune，andthoughtheBaronetproposedtoborrowthismoneyofheronmortgage，MissCrawleydeclinedtheoffer，andpreferredthesecurityofthefunds。
　　Shehadsignified，however，herintentionofleavingherinheritancebetweenSirPitt’ssecondsonandthefamilyattheRectory，andhadonceortwicepaidthedebtsofRawdonCrawleyinhiscareeratcollegeandinthearmy。
　　MissCrawleywas，inconsequence，anobjectofgreatrespectwhenshecametoQueen’sCrawley，forshehadabalanceatherbanker’swhichwouldhavemadeherbelovedanywhere。
　　Whatadignityitgivesanoldlady，thatbalanceatthebanker’s！Howtenderlywelookatherfaultsifsheisarelativeandmayeveryreaderhaveascoreofsuch，whatakindgood-naturedoldcreaturewefindher！HowthejuniorpartnerofHobbsandDobbsleadshersmilingtothecarriagewiththelozengeuponit，andthefatwheezycoachman！How，whenshecomestopayusavisit，wegenerallyfindanopportunitytoletourfriendsknowherstationintheworld！WesayandwithperfecttruthIwishIhadMissMacWhirter’ssignaturetoachequeforfivethousandpounds。Shewouldn’tmissit，saysyourwife。Sheismyaunt，sayyou，inaneasycarelessway，whenyourfriendasksifMissMacWhirterisanyrelative。Yourwifeisperpetuallysendingherlittletestimoniesofaffection，yourlittlegirlsworkendlessworstedbaskets，cushions，andfootstoolsforher。Whatagoodfirethereisinherroomwhenshecomestopayyouavisit，althoughyourwifelacesherstayswithoutone！Thehouseduringherstayassumesafestive，neat，warm，jovial，snugappearancenotvisibleatotherseasons。Youyourself，dearsir，forgettogotosleepafterdinner，andfindyourselfallofasuddenthoughyouinvariablyloseveryfondofarubber。Whatgooddinnersyouhave——gameeveryday，Malmsey-Madeira，andnoendoffishfromLondon。Eventheservantsinthekitchenshareinthegeneralprosperity；and，somehow，duringthestayofMissMacWhirter’sfatcoachman，thebeerisgrownmuchstronger，andtheconsumptionofteaandsugarinthenurserywherehermaidtakeshermealsisnotregardedintheleast。Isitso，orisitnotso？Iappealtothemiddleclasses。Ah，graciouspowers！
　　Iwishyouwouldsendmeanoldaunt——amaidenaunt——anauntwithalozengeonhercarriage，andafrontoflightcoffee-colouredhair——howmychildrenshouldworkworkbagsforher，andmyJuliaandIwouldmakehercomfortable！Sweet——sweetvision！Foolish——foolishdream！